A letter from April 3rd, 2014

Hey love, rather than keep sending myself letters I decided to send one to our mother dearest. It feels like to me that these few years had been the best of times and the worst of times. I remember how proud I was when you became the head of your division. God mom, you rocked. I was excited for days when you had that presentation as the official head - I love you, so so much. For the past few years I've learned that there is nothing in this world that I would trade you guys with. I have freaking awesome parents, did you know that? Mom I know how we often take you for granted and how stressful it is taking care of us who all have quite the different views on things and a stubborn mind. But you held out. For us you did. You made it through. Thank you for doing that. By the time that this letter reaches myself in the future, all the ****** mess should be over. High school should be the past already and I'm either going or already in my next step of life. Chances are that I could have either followed my dream or followed your expectations. You know, I do have dreams. Even though I may not have an interest in anything in general I have a dream. I have things that I want to accomplish, a lifestyle that I want to live. Did you know that? No, you probably don't. All you probably had in your head was a future that you "think" is best. For two years I've spent my days thinking of suicide and believing that there is no point to living. I spent many nights crying about my existence and plotting the ***** of myself. You know I even wrote a will at one point. But I made it through, and what helped me make it through was the discovery I made during that time... I found myself and who I want to be. I want to study in Germany. I want to be a doctor, like you. A doctor that is exactly like you and dad. And never had I been that sure in my life of a decision I've made. Never had I felt the feeling of actually chasing and doing things for a purpose. It gave my life so much more colors. Did you know that? You crushed it easily. The decision that took me years to make and accomplish you crushed it without much of a thought. It was the first time I felt such.... despise for you. It's not anger, but disappointment. How can you do that to my dream? How am I suppose to respond when I know what you want is but the best. But you don't understand do you? That what I want isn't success, isn't fame, isn't money. But happiness for doing what I want and being who I am. Is it selfish to respond to you and reject your expectations for my dream when you've done so much for me? I don't know. Between the confusion of AP courses and your constant doubt of me I don't know anymore. I don't know what does it mean to like something, I don't know what is happiness anymore. Am I to turn away from my dream to please you? Am I to turn away from my life to live one that you want me to? I don't know. And at this point I know that no matter which path I had chosen to follow I would never blame you. Even if I went to america I know that I would walk on with excitement for the days to come. But the disappointment that exists won't ever fade. I'm so tired right now. My throat burns and it's so hard to breath. I love you oh so much. But I often wonder when will you truly see me for who I am rather than who you wish me to be?