A letter from August 17th, 2012

Dear FutureMe, I am about to start school soon. There's been many times during your young life where you thought, this just isn't going to happen. You'd think that you'd end up a deadbeat with no future. Maybe you'd do art, or act or model. You don't need a degree to do those things, right? But I don't need to think things like that anymore. You've been with the alternative school for a year now, or at least it's been a year since you went to your first day. Do you remember when you took that test, and how you couldn't stop smiling that entire day? How you just walked around in a daze, it felt so much like a dream but as if it were a dream, you did no reality checks. Why would you? You finally felt a sense of euphoria, it was beautiful. Life itself was beautiful. At the school, when you were doing the test, the boy next to you seemed so annoyed he was there. He didn't care, and it's possible nobody you meet is actually going to care. But don't let that thought process change you. You have waited for this since 2006. For so many years you waited, and watched as nothing changed. Lies were told to you, fibs that you'd go back to school and that you wouldn't have a hard time. You're smart, it's okay. It's okay. It's not okay, it wasn't okay. Plans were delayed, we can't do it for this reason, we can't do it for that reason, no, no, no. Can't do it. So you took matters into your own hands. 17 years old, but you've felt like an adult for so much longer. E-mailing the school-- that step was huge. A momentous journey is to be had. You've changed your life forever, and you made the choice to do it. You chose to not be your brothers, who place blame in others or delay what they need to do for what they want to do. You chose to be responsible, to be independent from others. You could have relied on the failed phone calls your mother made, but instead, you e-mailed two people who are going to play a leading role in your life. If you did that, then you can do this. Continue your schooling. Graduate high school, go to whatever college you're looking at. Maybe it's in Southern California, maybe it's in Washington, I don't know where you'll go. But you're going there. This day, this gorgeous day... it changed your life. Before, days were blurred together. A never ending blankness was to be seen in the future; nothing to look forward to, nothing to think about. But in one movement you went from the girl with the deep seeded resentment to the responsible young adult, who honestly, truly cares about her future. There was this moment, just before you got in the car, where you looked at yourself in the reflection of the window. You looked like this scared little girl, and wondered to yourself, "What if I just ran right now? Just... never looked back?" But you didn't. You got into the car, and walked into the school and you passed. You passed the test. I don't know where you are schooling-wise. If you're at high school level after only a year, or still struggling. If it's the latter, continue that struggle. Not everything is going to come easy to you, nor should it. Struggle and gasp and grasp at the walls as you climb upwards and out of your inner darkness. For this, too, shall pass. For a long time I tried not to think about school. It isn't happening, why should I torture myself more than I need to? I'll never make anything of myself. I don't care, I don't care. Disassociate, desensitize, it doesn't matter, I don't care. It's not my fault. But it would have been your fault if you hadn't done the right thing. If you hadn't pressed 'send' on that e-mail you wouldn't have gotten into school on time. You'd probably still be sitting on your rear, playing WoW all day every day. Skyping it up. Using the excuse that, because you didn't get into the start of the year, you didn't want to go. Next year, next year. I do hope you've kept your friends, your real friends. The friends who are here for you, the ones that are going to last you as long as possible. Jaden and Neil, Joe and Jack. These are the keepers. Even when Joe becomes a serial ****** he'll still be a keeper (Joking, of course. He's morbid but he ain't ******* anybody... I hope). I hope you haven't changed much. Still the sweet girl, non-alcoholic, not addicted to drugs, doesn't say anything worse than "God dammit!" (Though really, adding a few more swear words while playing video games is A-OK in my book) Tomboyish. Nerdy. Sweet. Caring. Don't change yourself for someone else. If you're going to change, do it for you. If someone doesn't like you, your sense of humor, the shows you watch or the music you like, well, don't change. I like the person you are, which is a rare thing for someone to be able to say. I actually like me, I like who I am and who I strive to be. It feels right. Get your education. Go to college. Act, draw, join a band. Do what's right. -- Your self from the past.