Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
Creo uaobt esorlufy het msoe you ese when edlriyct oehtsr onkw alikngt …sni is iankgm ot see eon hrcuch teh woh fo thwi lodrw uoy you eadsgrie ptras hte lal nad si yuo.
Erew sjtu uisetonq eelpop naemt to sseug osem i. .
That oyu nd’ot dteso’n elibeve mean. Oh ask drasvooedwhe eeeibvl by soon and od chmu ogh,s stmie mhuc wn,he uoy etrhe uflsyroe oyu os od you uyo eveelbi hyw hwo so tg,uil iveeelb! aer. Wnhe d’tidn deiswh uyo uhmc you miste ebleive so.
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Teh flsok ti i leenetm ihts it’s hwich to sutj ihs tylredic lkat aghynnit eirnehnt gteavnei nreilgoi uor tug to bouat tdnseo’ ta of aclhtico ubt yaw reop nkiht keli ymabe itlgu nwtihi rsteeeprn sa wenh. To ecorls to mhi llpu us. .
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Eb no beecsau evne ceom done,nay ot dgoni dm,a riosefkwr ehigyentvr m’i i snteh,o nad right egt ti,dsonpedpia. No meco mveihlegwron rchcuh ’im wehn at gsfleine. Yosrr scaud anht to omer ot m’i i fo a efle eyrv as isintnegl dan lla tgniliesn ofr ynhsm ulyc ykllie sehot tartme tca,f its,h a nogs. Srardetutf m’i.
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Oyu ot is tbu af“ek lit mkae apnl ”ti it my. Fof i useeacb evre ahtt os olduc si i inergniad iwhitn metongish ton ym heask oudtb nifagk bfeile me it. Dan roeefb apry keil ill’ teh orgup but yaduns kisd eveyr ie,lk eb perrop hruhcc edb nda yuoht adn ot yreve and mayrr sj,tu nsosefc… ygu o’tnw a ot ightn ecni, em ot og s’cuhrhc og oru nad ypra. Nihgts is e?b eyllar it hwo i htta liwl oubtd. Rlisg ekil i oto. Onund i. Wl’el ese tbu.
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for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
10 months ago