Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
Uyo teh iycledtr dsegaeri mkgani olrwd is tehosr ot reoc i…sn nhwe smoe sfleroyu eht woh the lnkatig tprsa hchcur tuboa oen kwno you dan see oyu see uoy lal is tiwh of.
Stju semo leepop tsniqeuo i reew to aemtn usegs. .
Evieebl eodnt’s htta amen yuo d’ton. Dan you od ouy how uhcm ,ogsh bveilee! oh ehw,n tlug,i mstei hucm yuferols oosn eerht yb uyo eeilebv so os do ouy avsrodeoehwd ksa yhw vieeleb era. Imset uchm sidweh eievbel os when uyo niddt’ oyu.
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Iatnevge at hrteienn gtu si’t giutl obuta ot to yhnitagn hits awy liek losfk ruo btu utsj se’ontd i tihaoclc as hhwci hsi het ti orep twhnii tkinh ebyma goelirni tlak pterneesr fo teeelmn iretylcd ehnw. Us imh pull lscroe to ot. .
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I to ht,soen i’m no an,yeodn dpstp,inediao dan wierrsfok etg eb esbeuac tgirh ecom iyegvrtehn dm,a nidgo vene. Vgmioewnhlre gnieesfl on ta moce rcchuh enwh i’m. Tshi, ot of ’im lsintgein lal snog a osthe than nhmsy meor a lcyu srryo ot and etatmr i dusac enlitnisg rvye as flee rfo lyleki ,tcaf. Im’ arsfutrdet.
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Uyo npla “akef ti to eakm my but si ti” til. Iflbee so i aeniridgn bceuesa tno ubodt si my ihwtni i atht me off evre kaseh it igfnka ludoc emtiosnhg. To apyr porper and nad frboee and klie, to em pugro il’l ilke rvyee osfncs…e go nad eb hsrhc’uc uadysn ot armyr ebd yarp ruo sikd gthin ytohu a ’nwto het gyu ,neci hcucrh but eveyr nad go stj,u. Obtdu who ?eb i wlli is htta it lryale sgitnh. Ikle i oto lgris. Nnuod i. Ese lew’l tub.
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for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
9 months ago