A letter from Oct 24, 2024

Dear FutureMe, been livin off of coffee and chips and cheese for a day . its 4 ******* am and it doesnt feel any different than 4 pm ; just more dramatic and blue . " the ballad of the never after " is the only thing that has me going for now . Im cryin more than a few times a day about everything ... how nothing feels right , how I will just end up an underpaid employee in the best case scenario , how mom is ******* lifeless ( like get a hold of yourself woman Ive had situations VERY AGAINST MY FAVOR and I kept my cool for you guys and I was only ******* 17 ) , how unsure of the future we are , how everything feels too overwhelming and I havent even started uni yet so it is the easiest part of life at the same time , how everything is moving too fast and I cant ****** keep up and Im gonna be old and misrable and regretful in no time , how lonely I got .. having not even a fuvkin soul I can talk to . only myself and it feels like prison trying to stay sain in my god**** room with all this thoughts and uncertainties . Ive already said these and send them to idk a year before or after you're readin this . 'm sorry dude , idk what I can do to make this all better . I cant go forward , or backwards .. I dont wanna be an employee , I cant be a doctor for God's sake I didnt even want that myself it was just family and society ; but it never mattered what I wanted cuz we live in this ****** country . each and every way we have in front of us feels wrong . so ****** wrong and Im helpless af . I really could use some comforting but from who ?! I mean it when I say no one is here for me . thats why I wrote 2 ****** letters to 2 different times in the future . ive been writing , drawing , reading novels , folding laundry , doin the dishes , watching movies , watchin sitcoms and dude I cant ****** take it anymore . it feels like God is not up there anymore . all I can do , is to hope for a miracle to happen . a sign , something , anything . so that I can think " oh , it was all worth it " . " so things arent going to be that bad " . " so this is why those things all happened to me " and smile and finally be happy . I hope its not too much to ask .