I’m Having a Hard Time. May 23, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Today I have been out of rehab for about 2 months almost and it’s been weird and hard and frustrating and just bad I am so lost as to what I can even do for myself. I find that when I get to go home and remember everything good that is waiting for me in the future I feel better but only for a bit, I am empty and tired of it all. Near to nothing has felt like it’s mattered since i’ve gotten back and it’s only feeling worse. All I want is to be able to function as a normal human being again that’s it. I am keeping it going though because I need to for my pets (rats),I love them more than the Earth itself and am trying my best to be the very best version of myself that I can be for them. That being said, i’ve also had an interesting development in the past few weeks that is quite notable. Me and E (?) have been becoming close friends for two weeks and we just called last night for the second time (both times we have called this week it has been through the entire night and we haven’t really slept because of those 8-10 hour calls…). This frightens me though, i’m scared because I believe that they are an incredibly important wonderful intelligent admirable and deeply caring individual that I have now come to value very much in my life… I genuinely see them as the absolute light of the world and if you could see them smile you would understand. I also just need to talk about how they are so passionate about so many things! Things that you would never even think twice about or believe there was any deeper meaning behind, and I think it’s beautiful that they see that. E brightens up my entire day when I get to see them, it’s like everything moves slower and time goes by faster. We have been hanging out daily and have so much in common but i’m terrified. They are such a beautiful human being but have had so many horrible experiences throughout their life especially recently, i’m worried that might cause me more distress than happiness if I let that get to me too much like with my ex. I just want to see them be happy and safe and I don’t want anyone to ever hurt them again I want them to feel so loved and appreciated and like they aren’t annoying or ugly or a burden at all on anyone, and especially not to me. If I could I would reshape the world so that they are able to live in it comfortably and happily, they deserve the chance to be themselves freely and without any fears of what could happen again and I want anyone that’s ever hurt E to never be able to get near them again. I want them to never have to think about it anymore :( I really don’t know why I feel so much intense love for this person because we barely started becoming closer friends TWO WEEKS AGO. I just think I love them and when I say this I mean I love them a lot, it’s a weird feeling I haven’t experienced in an incredibly long time. I hope at least if not now then eventually, they care about me as much as I care about them even if it isn’t in the same way. :)