A letter from Jan 30, 2024

Dear maram, its jan 29th, its technically the 30th bcs its 6am. im writing this bcs i spent the past hour crying bs of a message i received abt my looks, i wasnt really doing great before but hearing someone say the words ive been secretely saying to myself broke me, and i have no one to talk to but you. i had thoughts abt ******* myself a lot this past month, i cant stand looking at myself in the mirror and watching the hideous person staring back at me, i cant stand seeing everyone else having friendships and relationships while i have nothing, i hate myself and i hate the way i look, i hate every single part of my body and dont want to live anymore, im only here bcs its a sin to **** myself i honestly thought when i turned 18, id be over this hatred for myself and id be living my life to the fullest with friends and people who appreciate me but helas here i am, a full adult writing a letter to her future self after a breakdown at 6am and having no one to talk to. (im not gonna wake up my mom she deserves rest, and i cant let her know that her own child hates living this much) i have nothing planned and no future career in mind, everyone else seems to have their life together while im studying in la fac and will probably end up jobless and dead at 20 please answer me,did we lose weight? did we fix our pcos situation? do we have friends now? do we have a stable career in mind? do we finally have someone in our life who appreciates us? will i ever look at myself in the mirror and like what i see? if youre reading this, i just want to let you know how proud i am of you for making it through nights like this, we went through a lot throughout the years and im so ******* proud of you for pushing through everything and i sincerely hope youve learnt to love and appreciate yourself for who you are, i hope youll never feel how im feeling rn ever again. i love you so much and remember even through all of this, we will always have each other, just you and me.