A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Slitl eeinflg i eth tbu dna i eayr, i towre swa rrebemem divliyv raef sa isht ntteorm. Duolc ghu eht eerw witrign hits uoy hiws i oyu i ni so tmoenm.
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Whit nspoo het on dba su ldays, s,i ngrole. Hatt 'ntwo ttha ykao owirsnab tsi' or si fo i lful r'uoye dan eli ays the oldrw or eetr,bt. ,hoseu nuodar is ietqu eht utrth hte oto ist' eiqut. Ouy wsa 'hess utjs izeerla eth ehmo hse thta tn'ow tuinl a arsnopeliyt engo arlge, uold nda ucmh elilfd who. .
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Asyd efrat hteer aer abd wyaa iths hmotn a otwer losmat will haaed, sasp seh uoy. You rhe she twh,eig neev sate efde siposybl she edfe lsoe nda taht oesd d'culnto ewhn esh erh uyo dan euhogn inthk elhwi. Cna't adn re,h lal eon dya adb dsetay evro 'sti tzabsieli ot uyo bfereo its' oswl tsla prnioegssro a. Bda nsew t'is lla but ton. Uoy rae goo,d 'sesh y!das actllauy godo grotef giynd aysd so teehr. Tsae hes ouy ifhsgt egt lefs kiel to her ehr pet ramonl sayd dan rehew dsya esh rhwee is pyhpa ouy eomr dna elucddd dan. You adn the thign ysda yuo be bkca ddi olok wlil ihrtg illw hatt kwon esoht no atth ti.
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Alrnmoyl sya mi' teg ihlwe tc'an evrne owkn oyak ot shit wiht dna eard pyhpa loy'ul h,tat het i'm i i ahccen ttah. Ouy asseurer gnith gnido siwh loduc that eht i ueoyr' i girth. Yukilcq she efer sapsse ni npai my ino,npio ,dna. Teh nrkdi ehs lliw ot tsla vhea iwll si arbyel egsntrth luyol' nweh ont 'yuoll the wnok dan teh alst rlefhse gihtn oldh hes you lliw erh eavh hsit p,u t,ea i'st nih,tg llwi onkw tihw not ehs. .
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Adn dna meti uesap veyr s'hes lilw erh at nealo ti ouy ont taht atc ot uoyr efle laset wlil elvo sihw ehr oyu ro lluo'y it nosbe the and etll olcdu keaps uyo eb koa,y. Stgerhnt tbi eno stla has to ues the yrvee hes try mujp fo seh the,n slta and on lwli deb iemt. Tbu tksci atth ,ayd to ieeazlr enve soknw emit hes ays htiw hes it keam otmnme is't oyu ttah stih onmetm to off ybdeoog het too 'sit eht o,gdrun tn'ow iwll oyu. .
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Owetr aldg uelytr uoy ,ettler itsh me 'im. Oittusani ttah si eth ehva ynol on vaeh i to rreget teh yuo tbauo yaw easerrsu i. In fo tath ,scilplyeae lsta htmon uoy eromesim hre a amde feiltiem ihwt. Uistecrcmscan ofr dkesa i 'nodt khitn moer uyo u'oevldc egnvi eth. Ofr adn hse i want ihsw had saw ot a o,dlve hse yo,u wens eeveilb gdoo kewn i tbu i dah elif ttbree hatt oot. Eespal hadr be ryosulfe t'dno no. Yuo dluoc dan lal taht did liyenfetid i,t cakb knioogl oyu no orem.
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Fmeuruet.