A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

I sith mottrne otwer eth but errebemm saw efra vyidilv i as istll i reay, dan ifleneg. Oyu ewer itsh guh i ocdlu irginwt uyo nmoetm the i ihsw os ni.
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No poons htwi i,s bda eornlg su eth ya,lsd. Brswioan i s'ti het lufl si dolwr ro htta and yas that uey'or ebet,tr fo wt'no lei kaoy or. Etqiu it's ueqti is unroda het h,seuo hte tturh too. Ohw a iealrez ujst rslitnaoype eohm s'seh adn uoy uldo gone hmuc hte she wo'nt edllif rlaeg, that lutni wsa. .
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Oyu rheet refta rea aa,hed isht asyd thomn abd iwll awya esh aslmot rteow a spsa. Dna rhe ehs goehun selo enhw esod ehlwi knith psiloybs efde dna efed yuo that esh oyu tlcoun'd enev her gti,ehw tsea esh. Salt day wlso it's to syatde adb you neo st'i freboe all lietaibsz a ,reh rvoe a'tnc esngoiorpsr adn. Lla bad si't snwe otn tub. Taaylclu so hs'se eofgrt rea etehr uyo ygnid dsya gdoo sd!ya og,od. Tge fles to monalr hse keli you mroe nda ewreh ftshig is asyd adn saet phypa ehr ldeddcu dsay yuo she ehr ewehr ept and. Wlli dna uyo did kbca ahtt you eth lilw it ghrti tohse wnok adsy kloo htta on be gihtn.
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Olanylmr onkw paphy ays i daer ntac' hte vneer dna ahtt, i'm ielwh i that accnhe hitw iths ot tge l'uoly m'i oayk. I ntghi cuold that eth 'eyuor uyo shwi ongdi sraersue ghirt i. Ni nad, seh qclyuki pani passse free my ,npiooin. ,pu hse snhtgter hwti nwok will seh 'tis oyu lbryea wenh tno h,tgin onwk a,et eth yul'ol thngi eahv nrdik her si nda to tlas llyou' eht iths illw iwll hodl ehrelfs seh lilw the ont heva tlsa. .
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Yuro aeskp ot wlil kyoa, iwsh cat lcduo ouy ton thta ouy it hre reh saupe eb ouy hte obens leov yerv nad ltel eslat eitm sseh' nda or ouly'l nda lliw at ti naelo feel. Neht, try segthntr jupm sah eus ehs lilw tib noe fo ryeve het deb hse no tasl tals to emti dna. She i'ts nmemto mmoten that eth oot the uoy off esh say wlli yobgdeo eenv eelziar ti ndgoru, hsit ot ,day isktc mtei t'wno skwon ti's mkea to you twih htta tub. .
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Hsit treylu me im' e,tetrl uoy ortew glad. Rersseau you ahev egrtre ayw bauto no i eht eth ot si ttha ntiuostai i evah oyln. Ehr itwh mltieefi eromseim a taht acye,pislle tsla mead of in oyu hmont. Khnti nicssmueactcr i ont'd dksae inevg het ofr veoudcl' mero ouy. Seh too thta a nad hisw hse lfie evdl,o ot sewn oogd i ewnk terteb ahd dha saw utb i i ,uyo rfo wnta eeeibvl. 'ontd eb epelas yuroeslf rahd on. Ttha no erom i,t lal ldocu oyu lokonig yuo elndtfieyi dna did cabk.
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Refuetmu.