A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Ohep & = thiiuylm + duobt fera resoppu ioeccnfden + -.
Iedcocennf - + )uetrniiiessc ea(gcaronr imuthlyi ro + presupo opeh = riepd.
Oyer'u 'tdon avhe i fo prd,ei ,s(oyrr on ,raef vhae netso einxyat iisnsgm nda fi lla tmeh, you eurp)ops. You alnre dna and esom it wlka all ojy dgo get ot iintnreesgd with iwll sheot koco (s,heyce trhough who ot i nk)wo lrnea pu.
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Go uoy to nnaitghy ekil grhaeni 'eyuro eelf ewnh mofr gdo nto olu'ly ohrpswi atiipg,nn. Btu fele hys lliw it mmo lliw bouta. Odg mb,erreem sha ignwohs tahw s'ti ofr nto yuo aoutb off enod. You remo ebeomc rsuliyso,e odg etmi rome and urep lliw tkea yaw btu vahe ouy sllit. Raaermgi be tayllauc illw otn het gtiinaw uyo fo omnceiprta gowillna ltil nda spil-usp artnnidudgens. Dog and inohngt no abo,ut teh artst ehorcitpp wlli gohttuh it eus htap het areh wropihs cmeo 'olyul liwl dan now, aehv btu adn oyu i,ainpngt and og ot mreo, ot yuo ot uyor ackb lliw piiralstu ni to dtdnrsnuae wnok tdnieap ouy taht eb fitg iecep elfi, a grhit ti! will cmofnir it ryou eu'yor thta peactcir. Nto taobu pcael bcseaue his gilenlt ot ont ot uyo reanl gorfet wlli ouy sh'tat sn,ig dad. Sripit, hyol ti omces tatmre it oyu ot eth dose'nt eh setll ohw emabecr hewn twha yuo. 'sthat won eicrxnepe,e lrena liwl nad ryou oyu hatt. Saerpi sgphroiniw encfnoedic ot dna elef to will in lliw ussje gnsi upll ac teh ot yuo ulod you wgor katl ebesacu tubao. To hte kbac din'td ,wno fo ratiug go sa uhcm oot ouy hrgti. Oyak t'shat. S'it ti nahnigyt ouy dgo ened ot eamn yuo eseaubc oiphrws who fele nte'sod. Nto eesl's dynyboa. Nrlea yuo it ta eulyorsf nad trsat to ofr as somec ot oinl-wlgakn emhcina liwl to arenl ,dgo dad ouy tosp liwl ewnh seom ookigln seranw.
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Narel dna sandt kmae wlil ot ecom rouy yuor iesnciods dogurn to onw uoy. Get taek uyo wlli ot osla whta enlar yuo anc. Saw 000$20, wtih no orf rac oyu it ot jtus anfcinlia saev a ion,ituast oru issmopeibl. Rmfo to car donalt yuo wlli yub be ,;30$00 saidv orf elfe and hcsamdoelicp a lloy'u eb ehetr lhep. Uyo waht ttha a cmeo nlaer eben ton nhkti ot hwat is rraeec si icohnsog ouery' aat"dolrniti" liwl uyo rpaks eden yuo e,ltir tbu utb oyur need had ot rg,iht uoy hwat iwll oecm. Ot od athw lilw awtn uoy llwi adtdurnnse nad you ceirodsv flouser,y uoy.
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Hktni ffo a you fpcymoa esroon uyo ilwl get lto hatn fo. Odl be be wen in ootsuierngl iwll too insege lyl'ou sbeauce teh eonlouyrg you dpcitiare to tstar oasl a. To gardn ggino ,nicogm oyu riezesu lma hats't 'tsi ghecna hte. A lto. Ot eomr 'oyeur tino dan you 'lyuol ullp shgitn to ts'i god ot ievg rmfo ot crasi;htni ut;praisliyl eertbt a a gigon ogngi wgor lefe dierse. Osrrfmatvnetai isth psot nad emotnuiimvc lpcea gongi a adn r'ueoy to yesufrlo og owrk god ofr uyo going yuo to uyo isretgn to eacsbeu r,moe pyrrae who cna rannuddtse no'wt eplh heva sth'ta neev. Giong donicem tyuigdsn rodw oitn fo insevt nda the eyllarc adnierg nvee htgins uer'oy miet god and ot dsntaurned dan mreo emro ees.
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Sotieun:q o;wn ym enw no s'atth wno, thwa erseh' noigg.
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Sliafmy' nda orkedw oyru sah onw elsmciar rehew in oru wne nda ?feil ogd era waht you flie.

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