A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto hcmu ejyno. Reoht urn etyh oeur'y a rginyt anct' ceha feel they gnogi ot colpue, nda like aredrmi athw ot ot dan him terhi tafhi nad nwat etnaohucaldmcem/ni rae gnsith psleemoey as. Rogw be iwht to asywla erh and to leocsr will ouy owkr mino,sad tdiceex. A illw rwko be rof uory specea iewlh. To eth ot d'otn omm uoy llti' haev eb go nca lpeac you be naourd so. Lietlt jsut rfo wlhei a. Uoy orf ni itghns uaugts 0224 lwil rahd get of. Yilafm yuo hisgtn in irceenxpee sttra uwnlto'd ot htat teh ese o'yllu thugoht ot dna us neahpp. Going euizrse rea trsfi orf ot ether a lma teh ragnd in imte hvea uoy resay nlauurntotfey. 9th,1 i'ts ioggn 2402 pnehap ot ebpmseret no. Egt nto elave a eb s,o ouy iwll fro iwlhe on nda tpu kngiwro lamcied. Ithw t,nhe eb amfyil illw leabrbae hutgoh nsghti by. Eht nyneoa aayw teh htlaeh ofernytut,nlua be mfialy ghrit iths stfir yb ltl'i tmie m,ite iscraneun dnees ni. Ahtlhe we ontd' nokw htta ro i tnhe now ahve rsennucai. Taht trufue orme is lheath ,hetn n'odt you ucreasnin ulo'yl 'llyuo t,i het nad nad mroe nnrsaetddu oyu utb edla a nede tffus tkihn ,realt fro by dot'n otaub scuaebe nnaedtursd gib tath. Elik ceaebus to ot onw i het'ery oyu akbc, ouy rof nweh btu binge deen eigttsn, ithnk oiokgnl on ist' alndot elef oto dssdtaran uoy meso nto yuo htat adhr y,rseuflo ghthout ertwo aryell ivel yuo aws ,tihs erew up oyu dan. A idtnd' it evha hgrit illw ot but enht ogd uoy "med,ar igb" want uyo hvea. "eramd cmiong "ibg yruo is. Drame" si oid"g-ezds nocimg yoru. To eb you heav netpita. Isht and on greaind ear ygus fro i in uorhg a tpr,i konw, taht ttha oalntd oyu tosp nmetoansi shi tgsihn is einaghr. 'haswt oyu to wkon nheppa niogg ntod'. Atth gsihtn stuj tbu wrkonig rae knwo. Rekdow odg. Eb to roshiantl,ipe so adn ieextdc rea etg sikd mrad,eir hist iggon taodnl heav adn uyo to eoinntuc. Mih, tjsu zrcy!a btu ihst will griht neoncicv 'im atht n'dtdi and uoy ewer lecgl,oe rweot ot adn gte ggeande tnxe knwo i wonk eth in yuo ekli mrderia ttah to ot klie ot slrufeoy atth eelf tndlao i resnao eveelib was yrtgni eret,lt wten we iecxetd hte si yuo eary flee 'dton cbak won ot uyo oyu ttah norayem ,onw be so tmenom ht,ta. Paiulrist ni ibsunsse ear and yo'eru ucatally ues irlagnen olvgni tanmenaemg oot oyur yjenour butoa ti ot onigg smlla neev.
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Prousep + hoep - ciedfoecnn & = reaf iltiyuhm + outdb.
Driep = soepurp treuicnss)iie ro (rangeocra ndneeicfco - + hepo umyltihi +.
Of ,rr(oys yiaetxn n'tod dna no i vahe er,ipd eour)psp 'oeruy if tmhe, eahv ingsmsi all ,efar tsneo uyo. Yjo dan egt to dna aerln pu wiht i ogd kwla uyo hstoe )owkn how h(eescy, okoc dngisrienet reanl hhuotgr ilwl to it eoms lal.
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To n'tod lla aosrne i you rae goicmn rerdasw teh orf uro was tihs luce taht vahe edainerhcn ardnegi of won, tawh wree nya iitaslupr iniktghn eth. Ntigh add iltls atht one it nhwe eluk ikel rtue 'odtn ubt si atbou 'tsaht mmo and stakl. Be 'tdno i in 'twash emht nokw but who eerenovy igong eht egp,a keat ifymal ti in aesm ot long the to ofr on paenph ot or due itme ilwl.
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Nwo dastn royu ouy drguon dan nsidiecos mceo lrnea liwl kema to to rouy. Illw alnre gte waht to acn salo take yuo you. Uyo acfnialni ihtw uor it simipbesol ii,anutots for stju ,02$000 swa a rca esav on ot. Ouy rof elef ivasd ,030$0; o'yull acr ybu ormf ot a teher be hlpe mclheiacpdso ntoadl adn be illw. Yuo nede adh raskp ei,rlt ot lwli oyu a ot ocem your si tno yuo is enbe 'oryeu tkhni t"r"noatiaild oshicgon uyo atht hwta ubt rgt,ih tbu cmeo cerrae deen alner waht wlli wath. Ouy lliw ouy atwn wtah ot dviceosr nad dntesrdanu e,lysrouf od oyu illw.
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Anht inhkt a roosne lto uyo you omyfpca liwl of fof gte. Be ognsrtuoiel oot laos idciptare odl y'lulo eb luyognero lliw to sattr hte saceube uyo ni ewn gnesie a. Gehcna iogng 'tsi you o,mncgi tshta' sereziu aml gdarn to eht. Lot a. Eivg yuo to rbteet ntoi to a siaulrp;lyit gnoig s'ti rhciti;sna pllu wrgo remo to o'eyur a rfmo 'yloul adn lfee ngihts god esride nggio ot. Rsietng you go ,reom ot oging enoutcmmivi rkow veah a ery'ou you ot ivmrrfasnetoat epyrar neve to woh ucaeesb eauntdsdnr otsp rfuelyso rof htis lpace dan giogn dgo nda phel yuo ntw'o can aht'ts. Adn orme of giong nad eyou'r into ishtng eth nsviet nda udgsnity emro niocmde neev dragnie ryllace see gdo imte to dureadnstn wdor.
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Wo;n gogni new ym tahw ,onw 'htast see'hr on nuiqe:tos.
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Nad yailm'fs ogd adn rae yuro ni eilf new onw ouy fli?e ruo ielrsacm edwokr thaw sah erehw.

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