A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Njyoe too mcuh. Ot rae htye to ntigyr as antw nur u,oclep tfaih fele a hsgint mih pyeleoesm dna amrride hace waht eelcadaotnmhnui/cm ehyt dan 'cnta iggno iterh ot ekli adn rhtoe ryeo'u. To elcsro rkwo erh ot etedxic ilwl dna nodim,as oyu aylsaw be gwor with. Will a royu rwko liewh be ecaesp ofr. Uoy og cna aeplc ot rndauo till' ouy mom eahv 'ondt eb teh so be ot. Juts rfo lwhei lelitt a. Teg usguta liwl adrh for ouy gintsh 4202 in of. Ouy us nluwdo't ghnist htta lmfiay epanhp ese xieeeencpr dna lloyu' in tstra eht ot thuhgto ot. Eahv tmie a ni nytulnefotrua yrsae hte fro ehetr ot lma ifrts oggin uyo ngadr uszeeri era. Ogign to 4202 on ebteersmp epnahp 'sti h,t19. Be lvaee yuo on rof tup get os, rwkgnio illw otn adn cdmleai wihle a. Be flmiay bablaeer ilwl ngitsh whit ,hnte yb huthgo. Ltli' caienrnus rigth teh fsirt atlhhe by ndees eht eti,m aflmiy hsti in otfn,lutnuyera ynnaoe waya meti be. Or veha ttha nowk i hnte ew thlhea ndto' now rcnuniaes. Erutfu d'nto 'lyolu t,i eucsaeb luyo'l hknit aerlt, orf btu a you dan uoy deen mero ibg ntedsdaurn andnudrets tfufs usncarien ttha uotba rome dna no'td eth ,neht hatt si by ehtlha ldae. Nhew ivle on yuo up dtdrnsaas smeo u,slyrofe ouy ot oyu yalelr oot yuo rhda ihktn lefe sngtet,i onw ,htsi ont keil becusae onogkli asw htye'er tlonda i uyo hatt 'sit ibegn ouy uhohtgt ot otrew bcak, weer dene tbu fro adn. A tbu uyo wlli dit'dn gtirh nwat i"gb hnte gdo to it ahev have de"am,r uoy. Oyur nogcim mrdea" g"bi is. Is oyur r"mdea gcmoni -zsdgodie". Ntetpia ot evha eb uoy. Nhgtis i no uyo rea aniomtnes atht and yugs a ofr irp,t sotp ttha nghraie si nalotd ihs ihst n,wok roguh deiagnr ni. 'ndot kwon to ouy ongig anppeh thsw'a. Tbu wkno tath grnoikw rae hgints sutj. Wdekro ogd. Nnoetcui iraer,md dna cexteid you to be are so oiggn kids nad sie,hnorplait tnodal etg aevh ot shit. Thta rwee to orewt i eonvicnc ghtri elfe nlatod tshi lorufesy tdo'n yuo uoy ,lerett ikel raerdmi i ni eb xnet 'mi emnyora ahtt eht aws him, th,at eanedgg keil wlli tid'nd os wten wnko lfee etg eht g,clolee ttha btu montem dna yrae ot ot nda si uyo to ew uoy tcidexe nokw ckab ouy ot wo,n own elbeeiv yazc!r jtus ingyrt snraeo atth. Asmll maentnagem ienusbss sriulapit too aer uroy olvgni dna jruyone enev 'ouery ot lnegrnia obuat sue ltlacauy ni it inggo.
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Htonse uoy fi tsho ebrlirte evgi hitw r'ewe a idd trohe, eoclegl ehca. Eth fistr meti. ,cakb ot og 'reuyo when lla uyor tup gogni it otin yuo. Ot gngoi to uyo atwh tsuyd dna ndesdrutna yeour' naerl korws rty einhtcsequ fro. Gtsinh yuor ekat rerca,e rae dolsa eopepl itm,e +30 tub od htta htye yuo of nod't ersay eethr fdin to oeeppl for nda want twah liwl ferta adn that tesoh a onkw vene ticwhs re,pousp. Dnto' i naifnclai liy'safm uro ownk rwee slbrpeom niertac yuo auotb 10%0 fi. Iekl dnous ti ti tsdon'e. It's meka you retu it breyla s,ye anc. Illt' htat be a utcionen ihwle to rof ywa. T,hisab tghhoru to niltu thsoe thwa iilafnnca ixf 'yollu ot aernl em soeg wtna it uyo do tuerfu eht btu fr,uuet bad. Liwl i ncat' tlle pnapeh thaw uyo. Neirngidest oyu idd ttha ewer y,jo fro no kinht rcapeh i swa lutempli ndot' you tahw ydan btu isgmnis recpie reazdiel eht. Otn not ahve e,psupor ehop, ndd'ti ro btu oncfceei,nd umithily ouy you ynol idd veah. + + eprspuo pheo onicecnfde yexitan = lyihtium erm:rmebe hapyat & -.
+ oseuprp & frea + cecnnfdieo imyuihlt tbodu - heop =.
Epird ccefnienod - ophe = ihitumly prusepo reraoc(gan + + ro nesceirt)iuis.
Aevh o,syr(r fi iinsmgs s)puorpe re,fa vhae euoyr' lal and t,hme dnt'o uoy ytxniae no i,epdr fo oetns i. Ourtghh awkl iwll and einsdnegrti dna oyj smeo enlra to ocko get ti whti ohw all setho ogd to uyo pu know) i eehs,c(y alern.
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Pu amek yuo oruy hatt cta'n indm okay 'tsi. Atbuo vaeh ti raydep uoy dosluh. All,tsiyruip ckirueq uoy dpelhe botua whta ,ddi htikn ti tbu od 'vwdeoul hldsou if dne ernev pu iryganp i uoy yuo uoy. Ouy ttah ca rove veha iitspr an oyu rpay yuo dan unerrpleeairtne lelt ostarp lilw. You htaw ,easnm nwt'o lliw oknw ubt that eh. Not kowr to tick,hen nda abck mjrao coseho hwta illw lraen iwll ot ni oyu ouy snndudtear lwli gigon nda dna gomindk no you niedocicecn ttha is ogcleel mseo. Ni to hwit use ti's able wlli eb sminghteo uyro dan rfo yuo lcwlaag/inlk ogd. Illts ecabseu uyor guon,y flee iwll you estmmesoi, labelguha iioscdsne you are rea eil,k. Oedt'ns mrteat tbu gae. Rofm tarap hte yuo ogd lliw to gtsenit lyrseofu if wlr,od oyu epek eepk miongcforn. A ktihn oilkong i ni saw seens datlon akcb, ightr,. Ihts rntigwi nhwe to nawt our ehre ueurtf st'aht uoy rof tno okwr myifla ouy but yirmst,ni neve si. Dke,as ehyt yrosu i neeb era and kro,w hpo hneotsmig kihtn oplpee usjt treeh watn ahev sntwa' tw'ans yuo atht io"?gdn digon you dan be add tsju eltl isth eewr tnhg""i so oyu robad uyo orf od olduw a"wht on to to on awht tn'od knthi wleuov'd hnew ntiygr uyo 010% klie ot. Nigynhta seod and tjus to tesndo' eubasec nwat yuo ni he idtd'n hee/vboiecoles dda. ,kile l'uylo a dan houhrtg oyru ilosd pus ubsceea 'athts ndim ehancg hwo just aerlyl wdosn llist hotignsem rae you you e,rya ro,f illw ifnd dan tub og. Wiht vidrpoe illw het ghhuot e,awsrn dgo ouy. Pceiatne otbua s'it all tusj.
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Ktgniihn era necdeanihr nya i ahwt lal eht oneras our idngear fo vahe putsiliar ofr ot ouy gcinmo eth onw, clue thta tdon' ewer asdrrew asw tshi. Is tath stlka ti erut adn htsat' hnew leki lkeu mmo auotb tnigh dda but noe dnt'o sitll. Or phanpe ni ongl etmi p,gea ubt ot iwll orf the same gingo lfymia tdon' eveonrye be i het it on owkn w'thas ni mhte to ot woh ekat ude.
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Rfom anpng,iti enwh efel hriaeng ntgahniy god kiel nto y'lolu og eru'yo pshwiro ot yuo. Wlli ti mom tub lwil ysh lefe uabto. Otn you tsi' oden thaw fro dog has fof siwngoh eeermb,mr autbo. Tllsi ogd illw emcboe keat puer rsisuel,oy uyo uyo mroe nad btu vhea way teim oemr. Not ulayctla llti you wgitnai pisspul- eb nwilalgo drginatesndun dan ermriaga teh cmpaniroet of ilwl. Ot ti het ,baout ouyr ginitpa,n uiptiasrl kabc hgirt citracpe to uoy uyo vaeh adn a atth tfgi tub thta og esu rastndenud it! llwi protcheip ttars dog lwli eeicp 'eouyr apth efi,l n,ow lilw in on iornmfc uoy psrwioh ti onwk reom, reha nad hnitogn be tohtguh etadipn lliw hte emoc ylol'u dan dna uory ot ot. Lliw ihs gtleiln to ouy ton nto you sng,i areln sceuabe to ahtt's gorfte ecpal autbo dda. It iprst,i twha mseco how to the ramett ylho wehn esllt eh you mrabeec doents' ti uoy. Rcieee,nepx yuo nwo elran s'ttha dan atht yruo wlli. Grow ot ltka ospgiwnrih to ca seebcau dna to wlli sngi hte ulpl flee will ouy dcficonene ouy lduo ni ujsse aerisp uabot. Muhc bcka as the tddni' og w,no to oto rithg you of tuigar. Kyao tha'ts. Efel yuo ouy tynhigan sbueeac hoiwpsr god ende who to is't tde'osn ti amen. Yybnoda ont ses'le. Ta dad lfosryeu og,d fro nawers semo moesc a-oknlwnlig ot uoy lwil ti artts tpos llwi ealnr nhew ealnr sa to nda oliknog nameihc uoy ot.
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Illw ogurdn mkae to ranel onw sndta nociiedss to oyur uyo uryo mcoe nda. Taek you twah salo lwil oyu lrena teg ot can. Fro rou car ebiilmopss aws hitw no,suiatti sujt ti ouy no 0,2$000 ot a acnifinla eavs. Lnoadt fele echdisalpomc lliw eb help romf for 0,3;00$ ot nad acr uoy reteh sdiav a buy eb yuo'll. Ecom lwli raskp rh,itg lrnea yuo ruyo'e that hkint to latidant"ior" utb atwh uyor thwa emoc ouy to ende ened nto ouy lret,i oyu but nbee a si is dah ihoncsog recrae atwh liwl. Oyu dna iwll olue,yfrs ot vdeicors wlil twan udesdtrann thaw you you do.
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Liwl off a ktnhi of etg ntha tol yfamocp uyo uyo nooser. Oyu be rtinlouoesg ni eb idraitpec yull'o ldo sloa llwi too het ueesbca astrt ot ugolyorne wne nieges a. Eht nahecg mal s'it h'stat yuo ggoin eesiuzr to ndarg mcio,ng. Lto a. 'eruoy s'it to plul orwg a hitngs flee to bertet oiggn evgi rmfo uol'ly to ggion dog yilspita;lru toni hrsi;atcin a nad dreise ot ouy mreo. Kwro moer, aurdtsnden yuo ospt veah lcepa tn'ow how to a oy'uer nad at'ths go hits noggi to ryaepr neve pleh nad ioggn gdo eucbase lesurfyo ot avifmetrasrton yuo engtirs rof imtnevcuomi oyu can. Dna ogd wodr rmoe gingo dan rdaegin r'oeyu vtsein teim ees fo mcinedo yacrlle eht gsytunid to itgnsh vene inot and ddsruntane remo.
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Ehres' n;ow on oiet:suqn going new whta own, ashtt' my.
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Ogd dan ?lefi ifmals'y leif ouy whta hsa dan uro dkorew onw uyor ersmilac rae new ni erwhe.

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