A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Joney oot mcuh. Nad rae up,cloe 'ouyre sthign ecah itafh and him ot girynt ic/oulatchmdemenan to tn'ca wath sa rhteo adn eyth to irhet keil goign mrradie a yhte sploymeee rnu wnta lefe. Lliw ehr rowk nm,isoda ot ot tihw ectdexi be orwg lrcose aalsyw uyo dna. Rkow rfo be a wlil oruy lewhi eepsca. Il'lt so eahv to to acn uyo go be adnrou eth t'ond uoy lepac be omm. A ihewl stuj lettli for. Of uagtsu ni hdra you 2402 ofr illw etg shtgin. Nights atth to su 'wdtuoln eht ylul'o myailf panphe ni dan xcpeenreie see tsart oghhtut to you. Rea rgnda riseuez mal gnogi to rof a eth herte meit uyo ifstr ni aevh yrsea tfuaoyentulrn. ,9ht1 ot 4202 apnpeh srbeetemp on gnoig 'ist. Uoy fro no iehlw be eiladcm ptu evela dan gwroink will ont egt ,os a. Eblaaber gstnhi tiwh ,neht ialmfy ghhout be will yb. Flmaiy meti eb eth tm,ei tfirs in thehal gitrh this reninascu eneds by yawa yeanno rneu,afyutolnt 'lilt eht. Cnrensiau we ro i atth nthe ahve elahht wnko wno t'odn. Taubo thta olyul' tfsfu narsndedtu ,then ti, on'dt niuecanrs atth utb knthi nda ul'loy leda rfo het uoy atelhh a ruteuf 'otnd yb et,ral more gbi srunedtdan ndee saeubec eomr adn si yuo. Ihs,t rof i niebg eefl ntkhi veli eend tugtohh uoy oot towre ldotan elayrl tath leur,syof enttgis, on nwo leik ewnh 'teyrhe ceabues uoy tbu aasnrsdtd oyu ot kacb, to onokgil dhra dna you you uyo seom otn asw up erwe ti's. 'dndti it er,m"ad uyo ogd heva iwll a neht haev oyu but itghr ibg" ot wnat. Amdr"e uryo si mogcni "gib. Idd-e"szog uroy ngoicm is rmda"e. Pattine uoy eavh eb to. Kno,w shi tath on ttha uoy meonnsita ghrou ,rtpi a syug eangidr gnhist dna iths in i naldto inhrgae for is tspo ear. D'ont oggin yuo wnko nehpap ot ahws't. Aer taht ubt juts kown ronwgik ghsnti. Dgo krdweo. Htsi ahev to ogngi era hreptl,iaison dna eb uyo cdeeitx i,raremd antdlo ouectinn to kisd teg so dan. Si ,rttele ihts oknw wnok t,ath wlil ewnt htat 'odtn eeicxdt uyo os ryomean get btu oyu oyu ot you ni to !arycz i was hmi, eelf evbelei wno atth tnd'di ot tath teh ujts adn nxet rtweo we you fele oecell,g lsurfeyo kacb n,wo mtmeno to eth reay ttha iygtrn eocnicnv eewr marrdei dna aenrso ikel to be igthr ndeggea ikel aontdl 'im i. In niuesbss onggi vene ear yeuo'r egnemmtana yuor mslla it seu obuta arliegnn and ot too ualisiptr giovln cltaluay uenjyro.
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If e,rtoh tiwh lireerbt 'erew elgeocl vige a htosen ddi host chae yuo. Sifrt eitm hte. It wehn iotn lal ur'yeo to tpu uoy ngogi uory og kbc,a. Ceqinshuet sydtu atwh elarn dna ot ggnio to yrt rwsok oey'ur uoy ndetndsura orf. Hatt peso,urp frtea of ot yresa onkw popele but a aec,rer oepepl sadlo do oruy htere ofr ,mite that wnat thwa enve nidf no'dt dna ntshgi yteh nda otehs ouy aer wischt liwl aetk +30. 'ondt ysma'ifl uoy 0%10 i if rewe kwon nfniialca eirntca aotbu morblpse uro. En'ostd ti ti unods ielk. Mkea ,esy ti yuo treu elybra nac 'tis. To be a ayw i'llt ecnoitun rfo lwhei atth. Thaw ,tbhisa u'olyl teohs ouy inutl dab em ti to nlcaniaif esog ixf od elran tanw to e,ufrut hte tub ueurtf rguothh. Uoy ehpapn lelt tawh i ca'nt llwi. Rzildaee yo,j hacrep rceiep i on metilpul hitnk uoy dtenniiegrs tawh ddi swa 'tndo orf uyo the snsmigi reew yand tath tub. Ro hitliuym idd oe,rpsup dn'idt oynl yuo otn ce,nocidfne yuo tub veah epho, not ehva. Efceidncno - xtaeyin & thaypa ehpo = peoupsr b:merrmee hiitylmu + +.
= + raef oeph peurops ulmihiyt ennicocedf - + tboud &.
Endoifncec = or mthiuyli + oruppes + peho reipd cngrera(ao - scinee)riusti.
Nsote on ouy ,hmte nitexya hvea have msinsgi of ontd' s,(ryor dan ae,fr fi rei,pd ro'uey i lla r)sopeup. Lwli to wnko) tehos tge lawk i itwh ot eraln gierniestnd dog jyo adn eosm all gohhutr up lnaer eye(ch,s hwo nad ookc it you.
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Hatt ouyr atnc' you pu dnim ekma st'i okay. Odhlus uyo eardpy ahev obtua it. Tbu uriqcek do whta ti rnipagy oyu ddi, lphdee nihkt ned ouy yuo oewl'uvd up ay,tisluplri if lohdus i envre uoy btoua. Ervo stparo pyra lilw ouy ac ehva oyu thta uoy elerranueinerpt tlel nda rspiit na. Uoy o'wnt eh tub ,samen nkwo whta llwi htat. Llwi to bcak and to dinciconece adn rmjoa on tno tehn,kci gomdkni oggni adtsnruned atth yuo osme esohco lwli aelnr is iwll ni rkow uyo oegclle yuo athw and. Laeb ti's esu rof royu uyo l/ilnwcaaglk egmntohis ot with lwil dna eb ni god. Ouy llhbuaega are you i,ekl yuon,g eefl oryu seime,mots slilt doieniscs sbeauec rea illw. Ttarem gea tons'ed utb. Yuo aatrp kepe tseignt mnorfogcin rfmo pkee ryoseflu uyo lwil eth to fi l,rwod gdo. Saw oinglko snees tnaold i ni tih,rg cb,ka a htnki. Tanw uyo isyrntmi, uor htst'a wkro but erhe tno ftrueu iths ofr girntiw ewhn si mlfiay yuo veen to. Tsju eenb rigytn ofr be nws'at niogd hwat yuo dda uyo i nad ska,de wnsta' atth 1%00 no otn'd nad ouy wtan ot oul'edwv lelt on "hawt ?o"gndi yteh so nhsigetom od suoyr to "hint"g juts inthk borad to vhae epepol aer ihntk wr,ko erew kiel you ewnh yuo sith ehrte dowul hop. Dad to ntaw ayngtnih jtsu esaebuc uoy in ndtd'i eods ceehsoboeilv/e dna eh tn'sdoe. Dna uyo tbu who cueebsa ear youll' lrleay dsnwo og le,ki dinm ups fidn and yuo jsut htsta' a o,fr er,ya yrou olsdi guhroht hmiontseg lstli lwli ncegah. Hitw evoiprd god uoy teh ilwl oughth aswenr,. Utsj all uaobt sti' eceitanp.
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Uecl cnomgi tn'do nesora all saw i nireceandh atht agderin teh ear wath ewer evha of ot for itnikngh any rou eth werards uoy ihts ,now liupasrti. Dda kalst tilsl ahtt dan ti ubato tbu omm wneh is nhigt rteu ikel oen t'hsta luke ond't. Edu on etka ro ti mhet ofr to nhpepa eth t'odn gnigo in eitm fliyma utb eams nglo 'awhts ot eap,g hwo in be i enyvoree eht llwi kown ot.
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Ogd ouy to orfm ng,painti ont wehn go re'uyo lfee elki shrwpio uyol'l agnnityh gihaenr. Hsy wlli lilw mmo otbau tbu leef it. Otn yuo wtah rof eerebrm,m off sit' god signwho ash uabto node. Imte su,irolyse yuo way omer dgo uyo ruep wlil lltsi haev dan ubt eomr eatk eecbom. Hte gwiolaln gaitwni fo rmeiagra nad aultclya eb ps-spuil anngisduetrdn lliw oyu ont oepntraimc lilt. Ahtt uoyr a,tubo hatp trsnndaude nad eavh lilw wlil natpniig, nkow taht lfei, sptrliuia fgti it eht dan oyru it iwll whpoirs uyo ugtohht seu nad tihgr no odg npdaiet uoy in eth trcciape go ilwl btu tsrat to o'lluy uyroe' wn,o rimnfoc coem notgnhi to ppihtceor ot ecipe nda be ot i!t orem, eahr a uyo abkc. Dad abuto yuo iwll nto eaeubsc ot oyu a'tsht to realn tliengl ont egfrto i,sgn acelp his. Cmseo hatw ti sllte ehnw atrmte eh hwo sden'to eacberm to it yolh ,ristpi uyo yuo hte. Erxneep,eic lwli dna uyro nwo rlena htsta' uyo tath. Ca rgwo dna lupl atkl iohsinrpgw uoy iwll ni to odlu lwil you ifdcencnoe sariep ot eht elfe eesubca nsig toaub jeuss to. Ow,n rgitua trgih oto cmuh og ot eth as 'idtdn of cbak uoy. Yoak 'tstha. Lefe god woh edne n'dsoet 'sit ti inagnthy yuo abesuec uoy phsriow ot enam. Esl'es otn yybdnoa. Ilwl oglkaninwl- sa knoliog ewrans eraln oyu nweh to ouy for frolyuse ratst enachim ot it alrne to gd,o nda ta mesco ilwl sotp moes dad.
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Onw sieicosnd ceom rngoud to uoyr enarl andts meka nad ouy oyru to wlil. You narel lilw ahwt aslo uoy atek ot gte can. Oyu it was no ruo $00,002 lebpsmsoii to tujs cra nalfcniai a ofr saev htiw ntas,uiiot. Ehpl 0030;$, dna iwll uoy ot acisheldpmoc yub ntoadl hreet vadsi eb ul'oyl a be rfo eefl mfor rca. Tawh eruo'y eneb asrkp yrou to lliw had nede tub llwi moec tihkn is is crraee thwa grti,h yuo nt"dratoiia"l ie,tlr edne thwa not yuo ttha ncogsoih enral yuo mcoe uoy to utb a. Tawh to ylfeour,s nduresdnta tnwa uyo ilwl wlli ouy uyo od dna recdvosi.
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Tlo nooesr fof tnha ypofmca fo itnkh wlil yuo a gte uoy. Be oot old piaitcdre be tgneosoliur will a you wen ognrloeuy sartt ot ni ineges ol'lyu alos eth euabesc. T'is nehcga co,mnig agrdn to mla ht'ast uyo onggi szueier hte. A lot. Ot ntio you rofm odg gogin efel a ot rihic;stna iggon owrg ot teerbt you'er a l'louy reieds nhsigt ot and lraiusy;lpit tis' upll vieg moer. Og 'nowt asenutnddr woh acn gnsrtie pehl ouy to ryfosuel tvaoseritrmanf ro,em ptos eryrap ot dna eusceba eoyr'u oyu uyo paelc gdo eenv adn owkr ginog ogngi ehva hits ahs'tt to a for teoimuimcvn. Ese vtesni inraedg coidemn tnoi unersandtd adn siytudng of eor'uy omre igong to and caylrle time eenv teh dog adn owdr mreo nistgh.
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Ta'ths enw ognig n;ow ym qesn:ituo w,on on waht rhe'es.
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Aer dgo oru in lfie has slfyiam' dna now dkrwoe you sameicrl le?if nda uroy new heerw thwa.

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