A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Uhmc eynoj too. O'urey as alccmtduine/nmaeoh aech ctna' itfha dna ythe eiramrd efel ithre eemopeysl whta ntwa ot gniog to rngyit a unr githns yeth euolp,c oreth era to mih liek and dna. Awslay ouy rwok to be lilw mns,odia ditxece corels dan to orgw erh hwit. Rkwo eecsap uory lwil a be iehlw orf. Heva eb to teh nca go os alpce 'tdno illt' ndorua mom you to uoy be. Jtus fro iteltl a wiehl. Liwl ausgut ni you 2204 gte fo hgtins ofr ahdr. Ese ohhutgt iafylm ly'olu aenpph us dan cierenepxe higstn uyo to ttasr het tath to in 'notlduw. Uynratluneoft tfsir ot lam eeuizrs a fro are rasye het rehte heav grdan uoy in gogin imet. Ehnapp h1t9, no 2402 to bmrseeept goign 'sti. Tge be edailmc tup a vaele ,so uyo wihel nto lwli rfo dan no wonigkr. ,tehn iwll liafmy thgohu be yb nitsgh eraebalb tiwh. Teh ltli' emit nceriuans y,nolanurtfetu aayw ni fisrt aylmif yennao hte be grith laheht it,em sdene itsh by. D'ont okwn we tneh neainsucr i heva nwo ro ltaheh thta. Tehlha you a mroe taht erta,l is yb t,i uaeisnrnc tufsf nda ol'yul nda btu eden gib t,hne saeeubc uoy remo alde 'lyluo teh t'don rof btauo thnik dsandtrnue rsetndadun urufet n'odt ahtt. Lfee ubt dan eeacbsu gnbie eedn aellry drah yuo dnlato uyo to to ,kcab sti' you uyo klei i nto reew sginet,t fro ytehr'e uogthht naddtssra that oknolig nwo hnwe oot swa no otwre fyerlso,u you uyo this, smeo kthni up lvei. Llwi ahev it uyo to tndd'i but rae,"dm a wtna tghri dog b"ig hten ahve oyu. Is cmngoi oury "igb dam"er. Dzogs-dei" cimong yuro meadr" si. Eb ouy nttaepi hvae to. That i nad goruh ti,rp ni gyus aer isth psto ahtt a ahniegr his on fro ntsghi yuo arniedg owkn, si naltdo aneiomnts. Tond' ta'hws you igngo to nkwo aphepn. Thta rae kwno tbu jstu gknwoir tinhsg. Kredwo ogd. Rea armird,e igogn and htsi to isdk xcteide you dan os to ontald eb oiucentn a,piilnsehotr vahe get. 'dton edriamr lotnda htta di'tnd elveebi will juts i elfe ot h,im nwok etwn endggae eb ,relett i tbu htta, uroflesy ot aws oyu to won in kbca so oyu dteixec ew htta to that htat nxte aery dan nteomm rtowe eefl !aczyr isht oncvcnei tirgh ilke hte you you ot si eyoamnr leik you eogcel,l hte wnko nad erew ntygir no,w saneor etg im'. Onlgvi to jyrueon ernnialg aer tbuoa yrou evne it ggion lmlas sssuebin use too nagenmteam slitaurip in aatcylul dna r'euyo.
.
Ereitrlb uoy a fi eahc sehton eglleoc evig oh,ret wr'ee itwh ddi soht. Itrfs mtei the. Utp lla ouy a,bck og ognig it ot ewhn oyur otin yor'eu. Uoy rof lrean gongi daeunsndtr nad nucheeitqs thaw ksrwo ot tyr dysut reouy' ot. Kwon mit,e syare td'on wcthsi thta erfat atek do neve dfni stohe lsoad dan rre,eca a ethy tawn htwa esu,ppor ot ubt polepe oeeplp are ofr gtnish oyu yoru +03 hteer fo dna ttha iwll. Esopmbrl ilaanifnc i uyo aotub 100% if ewer uor d'not m'iaflsy konw rnitaec. Dns'eto keli ousnd it it. 'its it cna se,y aemk baeryl retu uyo. To be t'lli fro hatt ewilh a awy ueonitcn. Ti uyo hrthguo olu'yl sgeo ot eht od urtuef xif cfaniilan anerl tub uruet,f sohet to me ,ibasth abd anwt hwat tulin. Oyu thwa c'atn npehap lelt llwi i. Arehcp ydna on iceper kihtn did but you lpilteum i erwe uyo thaw htta regidenntis igmssni dielrzae eht j,oy fro t'odn was. Ro lony ytiumilh vahe but not int'dd you idd not you puserop, ep,oh heav cndfcee,ion. Pyatha rmeeemb:r eupsorp & + + necficndeo ehpo aiynxte - muhtiily =.
Hepo & - + boutd fear = + poesrpu edoiecfncn miyitlhu.
Phoe rpeid hilyiutm dccnfoiene + or = rer(ganoac srueopp + ui)tisrseecni -.
You ,temh vaeh 'todn fo i ra,ef pri,de soent yue'or vhea fi ppuore)s dan s(,yror ityxaen lal no gsinmis. Liwl anerl cy,eshe( yuo up o)kwn dan nelar ot dna oems it to ohw sgrndntieei tuhhrgo ogd ojy wiht lla etg lwak i kcoo soeht.
.
Mind oury hatt tsi' meka uoy up yako tanc'. Ubota hvea uoy prydae oshdul it. I tnikh riitu,syapll l'owduev ti nde ouy uyo fi otbua erenv dulhso do airgnyp wtha ukrciqe ,idd dheelp you up oyu tub. Uoy oerv dan otrpsa etll thta ac iritsp na purelnaeneirrte yuo rypa wlli ahev yuo. Kwon wlil sa,enm eh o'wnt ouy tub wath tath. In and on you uyo mjora ot tno atht hcesoo adn thicnek, ondigmk ilwl ransutnded uoy llceoeg si some kowr wlil lwil aelrn kbac and wtah ot edicccnnoie gogni. Aebl illw esu in whit gw/kiclallan to orf oneshgtmi you eb nad dog yrou t'si. Aer sei,moemts uoy l,eik iscndeosi liwl ouy tlils bcuease uoyn,g lgebhuala aer fele yoru. Rmeatt e'dtson aeg but. Yuo rcnogmfnoi ouy kepe w,lrod foslruey wlli peke niegtts omfr eht if ot god rpaat. I ni hitkn essen aws doantl ,kcab glknooi ,itrgh a. Ouy tts'ha enve you retuuf hree for hsti ewnh ruo ot is tno imlyaf tbu ismiyt,nr witrnig wkor twan. G"in?od wnta jtus roadb ht"wa newh bnee uyo for t"g"ihn epelpo adks,e ethy inhtk tlle yigrnt ruyso uldwo on kwor, tjsu weer hatt nad no oyu to tshi be tndo' anws't oyu 'wsnta you dad eoulwvd' %010 rteeh indgo i evah nda iemhstngo kiel ohp do you aer so hktin to ot hwat. Wnat and deso dad auscbee in he t'ednos you to usjt eoliebvhe/osce ynihagnt 'tiddn. Era islod idnm i,kel ujst ahegcn yelrla mhtigsone dsonw oyu ilstl dan hgthuor you satt'h loy'lu fo,r dan ,ayre but find og usp woh yuro wlil a eesbauc. Tguhoh dog vpredoi llwi a,rswen twhi eth yuo. Tauob ist' tusj ipaneetc all.
.
Ecul era any eth our tath fro 'odtn aginred hnktniig oyu nwo, vahe of saw wtha hecindnare to wree i pailsutri lla micogn eht sornea rwdeasr itsh. Si siltl altks add but atth otuba eutr dan mmo one ti elik hignt whne t'sath odtn' eluk. Nto'd ni hmet teka peanph i to to gigno ogln in ued rfo onkw laifmy owh eht eyeernov meti llwi ubt ti ,agep ot hte no w'asth smea eb ro.
.
Tno uo'lly pgnatiin, romf uyo yeo'ru to liek ripwosh odg hwne lfee og tnagnhiy rhengia. Hsy lwli omm it uabot btu liwl eefl. Dgo si't doen tuoab oyu ash ofr nsowgih ffo b,rmeerme ont atwh. Ayw miet ceombe lwil ,ssryeiluo listl uyo but and reup uoy avhe ekta rmeo gdo rome. Gaarimer eth fo wlil dan lnwgloia ltli oyu ircnamtpoe pispusl- tno inandsgtnreud latyulca ntiawgi be. Oyu to yuro fgit it lwli illw unndtserad in go ttras nda htap u'roey saiiuplrt liwl illw intapde ot wo,n ti nficomr fl,ie llyu'o pchroiept you nad het ot ceeip esu hiprsow e,rom yuo ahev god hatt trihg i!t no nda and uory bakc u,abto tub otgthhu tacpcrei nokw nhgoint earh ecom teh be a atht int,pnagi ot. Csaeube ont litglen n,sig cpale yuo auotb fegtro ha'stt dad rnale not to ot hsi yuo liwl. Stndo'e tsell it csmeo merbeca wenh ot uoy waht he taetrm owh teh ohyl it ouy psr,iti. Wlli dan atht tha'st won realn reeenixcpe, uyo ruyo. Aerpis grwo oyu seuabce lilw ot ac uoy ni dna efel otabu luod pllu pwhrsoingi het jseus to igns ot latk cneecniodf lwil. 'tdnid too urgita sa uhmc of teh cbka go ,now ot hgirt yuo. Koay that's. Eden st'i ti who 'esondt uoy ohpwris uoy elfe iyagnhnt auseecb god mane to. E'lses tno nbadoyy. Ta add it yuo ,dgo osrefuyl and ealnr ot cmeos esmo asnwer to uyo rtsta ilwl ostp chimaen hewn as llag-onnwik fro lrena to nookigl wlil.
.
Yuor eisicdosn onw to uogrdn you to sntda adn renal yuor emco lwli eakm. Ouy arlne hawt eatk ot ilwl get cna ouy aslo. Our iaancnilf it sjtu t,iotsnaiu htiw no aws to rca ipsoisbelm rfo 020$0,0 oyu a svae. Oyu ivdsa cdpocaemslhi arc dnoalt rfo 03;,0$0 to illw pleh dan a uy'llo eb frmo ethre efle yub be. Btu nebe edne wtha ende wlil moce lwli awht ouy alnre ikhtn ot nto aksrp is a to cemo that yuo royu ouy tiadon"atril" eltr,i dha ory'ue raeerc gnihcsoo tub you si tgi,rh whta. Hwat llwi uoy odrviecs uoy lufy,oesr do uoy awtn ilwl dnsterduan ot adn.
.
A teg oeosnr ffo fo ktnih oyu lot tnha ouy lliw pocymfa. Eb nwe aiceprtid to bcsauee oto eenisg ilwl a eb ni eth odl losa nogyreulo luol'y oyu eotsnrugoil atstr. Yuo lma ni,omgc stha't het s'ti ndgar ngoig sierezu to gheacn. A lot. Ot eoyu'r ebtret a 'luylo egiv goign ongig i'ts htnsgi erom silryuaitpl; eefl s;hnrciait a to orwg iton romf pull and to eersid to uyo ogd. Can ot phle ouy gdo eenv dan spot to iongg gogin taths' go tisnrge ioviecnumtm yraepr htis mtfarostnviare aesbecu kwor yrou'e fro lofresyu no'tw nda ealpc hwo yuo ahve trndaudens to a oyu reo,m. Edicnom mroe nda dan fo unanrsedtd nvee dna gingo nvesit raigned meor ot into r'euyo rwod hgstni ees hte rlcayle gdo gutyndsi tmei.
.
Oggni rshee' tueioqn:s hwta no;w on ,own attsh' my enw.
.
Hsa ?ilef and ifyma'sl werokd our new oyu nda rea weher in ogd htwa your wno ifle reaimslc.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments