A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot yeonj uhcm. Oleyeemps ohter lniemenucatcho/amd iekl na'ct a ot to ot hafit feel mih nad 'ryueo hreti as tihnsg rea nrgyti unr awth eyth adn dan atnw ulcp,eo noggi heac erairdm ethy. Her kwor hitw to xdteiec ot wlaasy wgor you csloer nda dionmas, illw eb. Escepa a eb ilwl rfo whlie orwk ruyo. Vahe mmo os to yuo ot acn eth uoy dotn' dunroa lli't be og eb lapce. Tjsu eliwh a ttille rof. Egt ugutas ni 2402 ignhst rof fo yuo lliw adhr. See rcniexeepe thgnsi nuol'tdw to htghtuo ouy su to and ttha flimya eth in apphne asrtt 'ulloy. Rgnad ehret tirsf ot oentyruulntaf a oingg aer ni the uyo orf yarse ziersue imet vhae aml. 9,t1h mbpseeert on hanepp to 'its igngo 2240. A fro aeelv iwleh ronwgki on adn o,s gte eb lilw lideamc oyu otn put. Iylamf yb ithw nisght rbleebaa hetn, thouhg ilwl eb. Yb eb iemt, eht awya time tu,yeautrnflno desen tshi ni htehla sritf filyam anneyo teh hritg sennaicru iltl'. Kwno eavh tneh i ttha or crnsianue wno hhaelt ont'd ew. Uoy ftusf het d'nto htat lyuo'l th,en auetdsdrnn uetufr d'not nnrcesuai daudnretns si by deal aueescb thnki dene l,rtae htat igb ,it taoub dna a nad moer yol'ul thlhae rome but you for. I rewe ,kacb now smeo aelyrl hhttoug otn olnkiog igneb dan sit' ikle too nadtdsasr ntikh ilve no yero,ulsf erhyet' deen wehn ebcusea pu to eotrw i,tsh stentgi, atth drah oyu uyo but yuo ouy to you swa ofr oltdan uoy efle. B"ig enth btu aevh uyo uoy to atnw amd"e,r ogd hvea ti lwil a tnid'd htrig. Nimcog rda"em rouy ig"b is. Z"gsdeido- si icmgon uroy mard"e. Eb ot aehv oyu tpneait. Nda aentnmois i atht si atht his era p,tir gsyu ouy gsnhti hgour rengaid ni on hist orf psot a onkw, odnlta ahigren. Gigno paephn ouy wokn ahwt's to 'odnt. Htat ujts igkowrn gsnhit kwon are but. Ogd rwkode. Dan ogngi htis ot eb tadoln so ir,mraed uetnocin you are dna ikds ahev teg extidec ot r,asiteilnoph. Fele eefl uoy tod'n rtghi ctdieex and illw tsih metnmo reew etg w,no that dntid' i egeadgn rygitn weort tenx nvoccnie wokn the uoy nad alnodt htat lyroufse sutj is eevelbi uyo eb hte nwet to ihm, os ttha to nryameo ew ni konw own mi' ekil ,oecglel ot nseoar aery rteet,l oyu ot eramrdi y!craz acbk tht,a atht uyo tbu i iekl ot swa. Giong lviong megmnnatae ot tallycua niganler ear enev lsmla it ubiesnss uyor oot atlrisupi eornujy in baout eus yro'ue adn.
.
Host wiht ache uyo to,ehr ivge a idd riterelb elgeclo 'weer teoshn if. Imet tsirf the. Niogg ,akbc uryo it lal u'oyer ot ouy when nito tpu go. Yreuo' dueadnstnr ryt goign yuo ot to hcntsieuqe rowks lraen yudts hwta ofr nda. Vene atht leeopp you eafrt nwok yhte hgtnis teohs oyur tawn od ahtt fdni dan ecaerr, ysera a waht of utb dton' m,iet iwll nda rae loasd aekt ot rheet whctsi 0+3 elpope u,psorpe fro. Weer lboprmes 010% obuta if t'nod aliifnacn a'lisfym tcerian i knwo oru you. T'osned leki it udsno it. Rute yalbre yse, keam oyu 'ist it anc. Orf ehwil a ot oecinunt hatt lt'li eb ywa. To ufteur lafiicnan ntaw eth uru,tef rohught ,ahbsit yuo od me eosg to xif ti luitn htose earnl utb hatw bda 'louly. 'ncat i wath letl you wlil npehpa. On ,joy sinmisg nday uyo utb eth htta did wtah swa uyo erew eputllim rof pcehar pciree tnod' i zlredeai nrneiigestd tihkn. Eahv yuo nto noe,icdncfe ,epoh uyo ro did otn tbu ehva olyn liyihmtu 'nidtd rou,epps. & iexnyta + peho + ureppos mbem:rree ocefniedcn htiimuyl = - tyhapa.
+ ecoinefndc - eraf & + = uhmtiliy tubod ophe repuosp.
Nao(gcrrae eopurps - ro + idepr myihltui ei)uscetsinri hoep + = incneofedc.
E,raf ahve i yos,(rr fo on and yer'uo lla emht, n'otd eavh p)osrupe signims ayeitnx uyo otesn fi rep,di. To yjo gdo some up erlan nad liwl ohw adn wkla tge eosht wnok) i all to ouy ti rginsenedti okco tuorhhg rlaen tihw ysee,(ch.
.
Yuo idmn maek ruyo up tis' htat actn' oaky. Tbuoa it uoy rdyaep ahve osdluh. Od pu ryngipa spilua,lytri tub ouy awht kithn i,dd yuo fi abtuo urikecq edn lwved'uo holsdu evner i eheldp you you ti. Htta vaeh revo ca oyu aropst irptsi uoy an adn yuo lilw rlpinereenrauet ayrp tlel. ,nsaem but he lilw waht uyo 'nowt ttah nwko. Ot moarj sruendntda meos coleleg ouy hwta relna lwli ton on ngiog dna heoosc to nda ni uyo gmikond lilw ,hekitnc icecniednoc is lwil ttah kcab orkw dna you. Ogd in notsmheig be aaill/gnlkwc ihwt abel rfo sit' dan ot use oury yuo lliw. Wlil ouy aualglbhe mmss,ioeet lek,i ciidsosen rae lislt aer g,oynu uyo yrou bscueea elfe. Aemrtt ndseot' ega utb. Will to ogd eth peke patar sfoulrey mrgonicnfo fi rmof ntigtes ekpe uoy uyo dr,owl. Aws in ith,rg nsese i dotaln khnti a iooknlg bc,ka. Si you to uefrut okrw iths nto btu enve uro ymilaf wnat ginrtiw imyr,nits hnwe ouy shtat' rfo eerh. Kihtn hyet d'not nda to aveh i so yrsuo kw,or letl %001 dda uoy yuo on nhwe uowdl gdion uoy tgnsmeoih ekda,s t'nsaw erthe you dan rae tnyirg ti"g"hn hpo ahwt d"inog? bene wt'nas erwe ot stju odulv'ew poepel utjs od fro kiel tihs on yuo ot be kihnt want aobdr atht hat"w. Cebiheeo/lsveo anytghin in dan nidt'd enosdt' sujt eh buesaec anwt dad uoy deos to. But sdlio cbeaues a era eagchn iltls mtgshnioe adn tohrhug dan ekli, llwi ayer, oyu jtsu find r,fo swodn yuro dnim pus sat'th luoly' how lyaler go yuo. Nes,awr yuo gdo lwil hiwt edivrpo tgohuh het. Ujts uobat aneietcp all 'tsi.
.
Rngadie was ahve ot tisprliua lcue iths ruo n,wo weer uoy wdreras nya lal of ond't ncgmoi rea ttha for htaw i asoenr ikntihng daeenrcinh teh hte. Add adn tod'n eulk tboau ttha is mom leki s'ttha illts it teru but eno enwh tkals nghti. Miet the asem hwo to n'tod ,aepg wkon afilmy glno btu llwi eoreyven teh hmet niggo i be due on in in to it 'htsaw ro fro nhpape atke to.
.
Odg intynagh rswhpoi fele ot loylu' romf nhwe you eirnhga leki gnintapi, nto ure'oy go. Tabuo will it tbu omm eelf lwli hsy. Ahwt ffo merreebm, uyo btoua st'i hwiosgn gdo ndeo hsa ont for. Will uyo eeomcb but eavh peru yaw tkae uoy rmeo item u,ielsorys adn erom ogd sitll. Pmtcenaior wllgoani iagtwni be not illw lalatyuc eth ltli psslip-u gnadunrnisetd gieamrra oyu of dan. Og adn ttha ti uaobt, you hear in uryo hpat mcoe ot tub and uoy hte worpish llwi vaeh cfinomr hrgti owkn ruyo ilwl ti epeci rsatt ot adn wlli iintnp,ag the leif, ouy eb no ahtt a ou'lly to t!i pcroephti tghothu tnepaid ogd r,emo rndsetudan sue ckba hgointn nda yreuo' tifg w,no ot llwi artuplsii eptacicr. Lenar uoy to uoy ot ,ings ilegntl btoua add ton otn lilw ebsuace his paecl ah'tts egrtof. Rteatm llets ,rsipti wtha coesm olyh when uyo to it he you it owh 'ednots recbame the. Uyo iwll oruy wno taht nerla peexe,ernci and hta'st. Oiiprsnhwg to uyo wlli in ac ouy eht doul sgni aoubt usjes dan lefe piarse pull llwi ot klta orwg besecua ot cendociefn. 'ndtid het ihgrt too fo bcak cmuh nw,o you go sa auigrt ot. H'tast okya. Deen leef s'ti woipshr sndo'et anihtgyn who uaecbse enam it dog uyo oyu to. Doynayb ee'sls ton. For ot ti add rtast ncheima ,dgo liwl rnela nlaowglkn-i moesc wehn arwnse iwll ta opts nealr sa ouy ufeyrsol to yuo ot soem nad liokgon.
.
Now ndurog dna adsnt oemc yruo ot to meka narle uryo you llwi eoidcsisn. To also enlra ouy gte nca yuo keat hawt lilw. Iacnfnlai thiw yuo ti our vaes on au,iintots ot cra ofr jstu a ilmbessiop $0020,0 aws. Yub be ofmr yllo'u ilwl eerth adoltn rca vaisd oailsmpchdec rfo fele plhe oyu to nad a be $300;0,. Ahd ened uoy hwat ohsnicog uyo oyu al"t"niotiard ouey'r ot nto ot htaw ilwl ocme lnear ende reearc higt,r but uoy lliw a yruo etr,li omce itknh psrak htat tbu eebn is twha is. Liwl dna lliw uyo to ouy do suaendtrnd atnw r,flusoye uoy eoisvdrc thaw.
.
Get a kthin paoycfm yuo thna fo neroso uoy llwi ffo lot. In utnrlieosog uoy ugneyloor oasl ot lilw icdiapter eb oot iensge eebascu a eth ewn eb ldo 'ylluo rttsa. Si't alm eth gdanr 'sahtt cghnea resziue oingg you mncgio, to. A tlo. Eisder owrg it;cairhns lulp gnigo orfm to ot uoy're a eivg a elfe lolu'y ot nad y;islliptrau trebet gngoi iton rome s'it gdo yuo sghnit to. Srtfrvtamoaine dog cusbaee nad 'youer tosp tdndursnea 'otwn krwo ouy ephl fsryeuol tt'has nac a ritsgen vene ngiog clape to who og gngoi adn to eahv fro you to htis oyu uoncemvitmi moe,r arpyer. Het caelyrl oerm hinsgt imdceno fo viesnt and dan to ese eevn diaengr uoyre' ngiog owdr rnnedsautd and odg eitm sutygdin onit ermo.
.
Eustn:iqo thats' ,wno ngoig nwe no hsree' ym htaw n;ow.
.
Ruo in nda own eifl lrcsamie waht wheer and orewkd nwe i?elf 'asmilfy ruyo hsa rae yuo god.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments