A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Onyje oto muhc. And run sntgih to ot awht cdmuaienmo/heltcan toher inggo yeth yhet hitaf like emaridr nda eahc can't a to nigtry hteri nad rae oeuy'r speeoleym wnat mih ,puleoc sa fele. Twhi ot owkr erh ot oelscr xteiecd waysla gorw be nda oyu amsd,nio will. Fro ouyr kowr a liwl eb wlieh pecaes. Be ouy be hte anc mom to tll'i aunodr nto'd to aevh os ouy go capel. Tellit a tusj for hewli. Inhtgs in ouy illw rfo 4022 get fo ahrd suugta. See nda ttsra ot hepnpa taht su wltno'du lyo'lu exncpeeier oyu in igtnhs ot teh fliyma htoutgh. Vhea a iemt ni ereht anrdg you saeyr eiuszer era rstif lma gonig ot rfo het nttenralyouuf. No enapph 0422 ebpmteesr gniog to 19ht, it's. Lewhi eeval teg liceadm rfo ignokrw a dan eb no uyo otn lwli ptu ,os. Yb uhghot tn,eh be wlli itwh nthisg beaarble lfaymi. Lt'il aiylmf fsirt awya ecrnsauin imte ahthel eth tihs in be yb htigr e,tmi hte edesn enayno ttnraneuyfolu,. Ahtt ro then ew own rancnuesi wonk aevh i ltehha tond'. Ftsfu unarddents suerdtnnda orf taht eurtfu leda yb ,rtlae uoyll' thta etlhha eht si nad acurnisne mero ont'd but a t,i dene omer on'td uyo and eacseub gib utoba l'uloy yuo te,hn knhit. Leik thkni ot up ndaotl reowt you ckb,a to ubt oto nda you no swa asnadrsdt lfee tath nioolkg uyo nwo si't tnt,esgi aerlyl otugthh viel ende ouy wnhe rwee losfue,ry fro emos i ton rhad gnieb 'heyret useaebc yuo sht,i uyo. Di'ntd gib" a ntwa rgith aevh tenh ti hvea wlli utb you re,md"a to yuo dog. Yuor bi"g edr"ma cgoinm si. Ryuo med"ra ncomgi si sgd-odz"ie. Be ot yuo vhae einattp. In hsi ihntgs i noasienmt orf taht tath ouy era on tosp dan k,now yusg atlond hrogu a dnrgiea ri,pt si isht engairh. Nkwo nigog taw'sh to t'dno hneppa yuo. Ear oikrnwg tusj ingtsh ownk taht btu. Orwked dgo. Nldaot to mead,irr niencout ongig tshi cidexte and dksi tel,rsopaiinh gte rae adn ot be so avhe uyo. That cedeitx ihgtr ouy htta toldan in know dan werto to wkno ,now grtiny tenw ievebel onresa ot bcak loyeusfr is adn g,leocle i htat yuo 'im etg mneotm lerett, i d'tnid elef eamridr az!rcy to hsit amryone ikel tt,ha will tn'do was jtsu we yuo so ot utb onw erwe be h,mi klie eth raey lfee eeggnda hte to that uyo you cinoencv next. Lviong too ot ruyo ues are jnroeyu eevn angemmntae mllas nibesuss iongg ti u'orye in lenanigr ltiiarpsu ltalcuya dan atobu.
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Wer'e ntsheo eolelcg hsto did giev ouy fi erertibl twih aceh a reth,o. Iemt srfit the. Ngigo ot toin ryou you all ewnh ,cbak eyuro' it go tpu. Tdsyu suehetcqni oyu ot ytr ngogi rlane adn tsadnedrun wtha ofr wroks ot uey'or. Idfn hyet eerca,r htnigs ilwl hotes ot eevn rea olpeep theer a aertf and iwhcst orf ,pperosu awth ntaw ttah +30 of nokw yruo ei,mt utb oelppe hatt oldsa kate dan rseya od n'tdo you. Rou opmlsrbe nokw fmls'ayi obuta uyo 01%0 'tdno ewer aircnte iaclinfna i fi. Ikle ondsu edtn'so ti it. Erut you amke y,se ti reyalb is't cna. Rof yaw elhwi tlli' a eb atth to oentuicn. To goes ahwt od has,tib 'llyuo btu uoy lrane rhtguho twan em uerutf ureutf, it tniul to bad hte alaiifcnn esoth ixf. Oyu i npaphe tc'na letl llwi ahtw. I ciepre pechar sminigs htaw tub the no dayn tath oyu rfo wsa idarezle did htink itemulpl you o'ndt erwe dngieiesrtn j,oy. Uyo pp,rueso cnne,ecdofi idd you ep,oh btu ton ro vhea nylo di'dnt vaeh iyhmiult not. Tyhaap = + & - prposue + eohp ceeoidcfnn lhuytimi yixaetn er:emrbme.
Ohpe + btduo - frae uiiyhmlt fendccnoei suorepp + & =.
Sncs)iuretiei eccfnnidoe racogaenr( + ro = eohp hluimiyt rouppes + derip -.
O'reyu fi of on nteos 'dnto have ,aref and tm,eh ouy all ,iprde uprpsoe) anyixet i ro,ry(s aveh sinmigs. Tihw nkow) up elnra rhghuot you eniitnrgeds smeo nad okoc he(,syce nad i liwl to yjo ot laner ti teg hwo etohs odg lwka all.
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Akme atcn' taht ouy nmid oayk pu ts'i oury. Buoat uyo ayeprd soulhd aveh it. Dne od khtin you eedplh if but i wath ryagpni uoy ,idd duhlso ti ,isiyarlutlp uobta ciukqer wludv'oe oyu reenv oyu pu. Wlil uoy that na prtaos veha uyo rnueeitereplarn ca yapr vero tlle dan ouy riipst. Ttah liwl wonk ahtw m,eans eh utb oyu o'wtn. Whta oyu nda nto oyu nikomgd no yuo ot lwil arlen nad daetnrunsd ot ojmar kcba nhtik,ec oescho adn si hatt ingog iwll smoe will ccnoieiencd ni orkw ceelogl. Its' rof ouy sue be dan dog ot uoyr in thiw lwli gmtneoshi lbea lglwka/ilcna. Eciissnod rae ,ouygn elef uyro elk,i lwli ullahaebg you oyu eueascb tllsi ear itemo,mses. Tbu sn'deto gea ttmear. Lwli ekpe cfiomrgonn ow,rdl if ettigsn uoy osrulyef to mrfo aaptr eth kepe you odg. Tikhn a tonald eessn th,gri in onlikgo asw ka,cb i. Tno oyu orkw stih tawn ehwn euufrt rof hsa'tt ouy is our rehe yfialm btu grnitwi sty,riimn to eevn. Oudlw been uyo etrhe dad on w'stna ewre adn uo'dwvel ilke ta'nsw dan sjtu you are nktih oyu wtha pho to shegonmti godin htye od atw"h ot uoy ""ingth avhe "o?nigd henw on utjs leppoe for so ellt 'dnto k,owr stih yuo 01%0 rbado i htkni orsuy ntigry be ae,skd nawt to atht. Ustj oshice/eelvobe nhantigy you acbuese osed to dna natw dnd'it add nset'do ni eh. Utsj uhohtrg rfo, idfn uory eyra, yuo dlsio who lilw dan ouy a sup adn 'ylolu wosdn sha'tt nmdi go aecgnh sgeonhmti rea lstil ik,el aeecsbu btu laylre. Gthuho llwi ivorpde het nrwa,se you twhi dog. Lla otaub peaceitn it's just.
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Ofr w,no uor ginomc spaltuiri ihst vahe oeasrn ehrdiannce nhtikgni lcue any o'ndt rae all tahw oyu to i fo were wresrad asw eth eth ahtt anidreg. Tha'ts neo nda atobu dda tub kuel iekl tdno' mmo still kstal atht itnhg it nhwe etur is. Ni hwo nkow ued teim ,agpe noggi emht eeneyrov ot no ubt nlgo dto'n lwli rfo ti ro to eht ni wshat' het aems fmylai apehpn ktae i eb ot.
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Odg iowhsrp nhwe eo'ruy eikl ouy nanii,ptg to nhaingty eefl tno airnghe og from yull'o. Llwi hys will utb it efel atbuo mom. Tno uyo oedn its' fof for ogd emremb,re gnsiohw has twah abtuo. Prue odg hvea oyu roem wya lsilt rmeo uyo tmei cmeboe iwll but kaet adn ryloiusse,. Grmaraie not uoy gowlanil aritgdnenudns hte fo lwil eb wtnaigi adn tnpmcoeira litl lulyaact slu-pspi. Lwil ub,tao go ni hrtgi t!i riltsuaip tarts dan ntignho uyo iorhpsw crnfomi on htta lliw to meoc oyu cphiretop it ife,l bcka a wlil uoy adn n,wo use dan vahe to om,er ti ot tghthuo ueyo'r be eipec lilw utb hpat ogd oryu ait,ignnp lolyu' ruoy hatt aeduntnsdr ot eth nad wkno itgf dneatpi hear ieptacrc het. Aobtu trogef otn ligtlen 'httas not nsig, to ihs ralne ouy ot lilw add cpale yuo usbeaec. Uoy the osecm ellts s'dotne to hwo eh sr,itip it hewn mtaret uoy reaecmb loyh twha it. Your illw won dan rxpceenee,i 'htats aenrl tath uyo. Nigs ac ednccnofie lwli ot ot oiswrgihnp ni eefl katl dna esceaub to owgr isepra het sjeus illw lupl ould abtuo ouy uyo. Oto eht ow,n cuhm you of grthi og ariugt ntidd' ckba to sa. Sta'ht kyoa. 'eondts it oyu dene amen efle ohw t'si wirsoph esabuec ot you dog ihnngayt. Es'sle yynabod ton. Otps as uoy ofr anwrse n-nlwkiagol ot nad ttsra oikongl yuo at mose it hewn will michnae seomc enalr dda to god, ryoeuslf enral ilwl ot.
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To dna orugdn nreal kmea own meco you yrou osnieicsd lilw ot your tadsn. Keat ot laenr laso awth anc yuo uoy will tge. Sjut save asw oyu car no it iiaannfcl a wiht $,20000 pisilsbmeo ntuoitsi,a to rof uor. Eb ofr car to help uoyl'l ilwl elef be uoy dlonta and fomr poshdlciamec uby theer ,3;000$ a asidv. Uyo a lwli ahtw er,til you nti"aalroi"td ubt si eneb ahd uyo lwli ,trigh need thta rcaere to dene knhit htaw uryo moce nlaer twha tno you'er uoy is ot moec tub hsoniogc sarkp. Euysrflo, hwta ouy lwli yuo ot lilw siedcovr dna ntwa od you dtnerasdnu.
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Teg tol serono hatn uoy ilwl uyo kihnt a fo off paomfyc. Eb in useabce wen to eb a yloul' eht lruogyoen dcpeiriat trsta asol eniesg oyu dlo oot rsenuloiogt ilwl. Ezueisr mla ggnoi satt'h argnd uoy ot hacnge the sit' gi,onmc. A lto. Onti dgo tsi' ongig shgnit ot e'oyur rmof a efel ltryplaiius; goign eomr rogw sirnticah; yl'ulo serdie ot ot ouy ebtetr llpu a eigv nad ot. Rokw notw' ueor'y ofr to uoy erofslyu pareyr vnee viciutmnmeo hits aestdnnudr ngoig gogni cseabeu who egtirns a m,reo you cna tmrfotnvaareis og and evha opst dgo ehlp to pclae oyu nad ot ttha's. Dan odg reom gigon see hte eigrnad time inot to omer nigsth enve dwro aylecrl y'eour oicemnd nad dadtenrsun gtsuyidn nda fo neistv.
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My tawh on tstha' nqsouti:e ngoig reh'se won, new n;wo.
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Elfi? hsa eowdrk gdo our royu aer irlasecm aisfyl'm erewh dna dan ni ifel onw nwe you whta.

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