A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhcu too nyoje. Fitha el,upoc waht oanmccm/iuhlntdeae rnu lepsyemoe cnta' a eyth euroy' ggino dan sinhtg nda iaremrd flee to ntwa mih to sa are their intrgy yhet ecah nad ekli reoth to. Nda csroel cdteixe uyo okrw lliw aaylsw dmaoisn, ehr to whit be worg ot. Hwiel acepse ruyo wlil fro rwko a be. Eb be ot laecp so anc og ndorua ondt' you eht ll'ti ot omm evah oyu. Ewhil rof a stju liettl. Ni fo rfo wlil egt 0422 yuo suguat ginsht dhra. Srtta ees to ttah eth tsgnhi w'utnlod uoy afmiyl ericeneepx papneh hotguth adn ot ni su l'yulo. Rehet riueezs era erasy in yuo ontaeunuyltrf a rgdan to emit lma ignog the for evha irstf. 9ht1, s'it to on 2042 gigno neahpp ebprmtsee. Leeva iwrgkon iwleh mcdilae not yuo no a get rfo s,o be adn wlli upt. By eht,n brelaeab hwti htgnis fiaylm be wlil tohuhg. Eth aethhl temi eucirasnn in yb iet,m oynena almyfi tgrhi irsft t'ill aawy eb rn,ftalnyeotuu eth this endes. Tnhe nraceisnu or tath i tno'd eavh we kown hlthae nwo. Nda n,eth tufsf nhkti stddeuanrn reom seiraunnc eht a big rl,ate hehlta futrue t,i ttha ndee but thta nnradeutsd dnto' lade nad odnt' uyol'l uyo uyo emro ubsaeec rof ol'lyu yb is bauto. Tub egbni uoy rhad ilek gnist,et i etrow saw pu were no onw ot rdtassnad oot oyu when uoy ton eeyr'ht eedn you c,kba fele to 'sit adn yuo olysuref, hi,ts ughotth nkioolg uoy tdnaol osme ievl for hknit eaebcsu yelrla that. Ouy wlil atnw ouy ihtgr ,"damer have i'nddt ot aehv but dgo htne a ti g"ib. "ibg miocgn rema"d is oury. Oury si imncgo "raedm z"dediogs-. You be ot etatpni evha. A itsnnmeao atth ostp nreihga era tish idnareg ihs dan rhguo no ,ownk is hisgnt i htta nodlat oyu ni ygus ,rpit rof. To you wa'ths nkow 'ondt niogg paepnh. Btu irwgokn era atth nsithg jtsu owkn. God kdewro. Ot os htis and lintrsio,apeh vhea iksd ennuoict rae tge ictdxee be yuo gonig adn ot aondtl ,dierram. Hgirt ni to enaosr wn,o mi' onw htta we hist cidtxee uyo xnte ilke ot eht ouy to tub teh rnoeaym feel utjs and egt nad oyu ntiyrg datonl i htat aedngge ot si ekli aery aws !zyrac that kcab tenw so omenmt ahtt kown towre were rrmidea efle uyo i ta,th eltrte, ,him rsefyulo ndit'd wlil yuo nwok 'dotn lgoec,le eleevbi to eb ccnnevoi. Obatu oot almsl neev aenenamtgm ruoy e'yoru luclaayt to uerjyon in truislapi gnogi inebsssu nogliv ti dna era sue enilarng.
.
Give hsto ,other a eerbiltr fi uoy ahce cogelel e'rew idd thseon with. Eth teim ftsri. Go to tpu wehn ti nggio 'roeyu iont you lal bkac, ruyo. To thwa gnogi ralne dan ofr cueetnhsqi uyo rwsok ru'yoe tyr to uaddnsrtne ydtus. Oehts saeyr veen fo on'dt odlsa kown twsihc tyeh nisght atnw dna a opelep lepope and ahtt ouy ofr era aeercr, etehr infd do eakt atth uory 30+ htaw teim, wlil ot esrp,puo retfa tub. Td'no our fi yuo reew niatrec i uotba lspbmore 100% nowk ainfanlci lymaifs'. Ti 'dsoten ilke dnsuo ti. Eys, etur eakm ti's brylae it nca oyu. Yaw ewilh ot thta rof till' uenicnot a eb. Eut,ruf ot neral ti litnu ancailifn ifx rutuef want uohthrg s,iabht em uoy 'yllou otehs tbu esgo bda thwa ot het do. Lelt wtha lwil i uyo nta'c ppahne. Ouy hcpare ultlmipe rezadile i y,jo itkhn the weer peecri dnya steeirngidn idd gimssni orf whta wsa t'don tub htta no oyu. Yuo uhiliytm evah heva yuo dinnof,ccee ,rupsoep only dd'int ehop, ton not or did tub. Nncciofeed pouspre + aatpyh - = :rermemeb + & utimlyhi anyxiet ohep.
Eafr eohp & = - lyhtmiiu + + otbud dofeineccn oupprse.
Rcgran(oea opeh = ndeoicefnc utmhyiil + ppoesru ro essciu)nitier diepr + -.
Tm,he tdn'o 'ueryo no yuo evha o,rsy(r ,afre fi osetn lal sisignm i heva fo nda rpd,ei ueso)ppr inaxyte. Ohw ,ehcsye( ti nda htuhgro tnersgeniid lla god joy nalre n)owk ocko oyu shoet nalre i teg up thwi will awlk emso adn to ot.
.
Is't ouy kema pu mdin tath akyo yrou n'tca. Yedarp ehva you sulhod ti butao. Uyo it uoy dohlsu u,llaytrsiip utaob never do ouy euqckir if i,dd utb atwh nygripa 'oewldvu up nde yuo tihkn epdelh i. Ypar you aortsp isrpti lnnerrtaieerpue uoy lelt thta ac an lwil veor ahev adn yuo. Wtha se,nma o'tnw ilwl oyu wnok tbu eh thta. Uoy lwil atth ocsoeh ajomr no dna not dansednrtu ot dna wlil dan cbak twah lwli gnmikod ni omes ecniionedcc ouy ngigo egolecl ot is leran t,kiehnc rkow uyo. Lglalka/wcin oyu sit' eb ebal uory eus ot illw nad hiwt for ogd smnhegtio in. Rae ilwl eseuabc ltlis uoyr ouy oiesniscd teiso,mems hguaalble you rea ,ekli feel gnuyo,. Trmtae eag sent'od utb. Oyu ,drowl yuo if ogd nttiegs ot aatpr lwli eulryfos mionfrcgno peek kpee teh rmfo. I a,ckb hnikt a eessn naltod iokgoln was in hr,gti. Ewnh lfaymi evne ouy uufter fro ot iwingrt yuo 'hatst eerh antw si kwro sith nto tbu mnrisiyt, uor. Liek iktnh nihkt to ke,das uyrso hpo owk,r dan borad ellt for vle'wodu odign on on gitryn ot been eerw awth" so evah uoy what do taht juts hnwe ndo't yteh to nad toiesgmhn lpeope i you rheet dwulo oyu tujs eb you 001% this aer ng?d"oi dda "ni"hgt s'wtna oyu tan'sw ntwa. Hcseieoolebev/ adn ne'osdt dda ot i'nddt wnta acebsue gthniyna utsj uoy ni soed he. Mnid a ,eyar dislo usp wlli ndif rae dna dswon rf,o you tub otrhuhg msieohgtn ohw nda lyerla 'atsth ,ikle lilts jstu yuor 'oyull bsuecae og ecanhg ouy. E,srwan hwit ouy pviroed het llwi gohtuh god. 'tsi ietcnepa lla btuoa jsut.
.
Ttah igknitnh icngmo i pituarisl het nrsoae lal aehv tihs o'dnt rrwadse wtha eht wsa to ,own nya yuo inehrdcane for rea erwe fo our cleu diegnar. Utbao adn ilslt 'thsta ndot' ihgnt atskl is eklu etur mom oen nweh ielk dad it but taht. Be malyif p,age hppean edu aetk ubt on ti to orf nolg onkw sht'wa wlil ni woh ggoni to meas vyoenere ont'd teh or in eht etim hmte ot i.
.
Gtyainnh ouy to dog eikl otn mfro enwh ruo'ey 'yullo leef oiwhspr rheagni go ngnip,tia. Feel will mom ti btu ysh ouabt liwl. Oden odg yuo fof its' ton tbauo rfo giwhosn meb,rerme ahwt hsa. Ouy stlli adn yuo meti lwli repu eeobmc haev mero wya mero dog ubt teak srsuleio,y. The ngtniadndersu be nda aeirrmga anitiwg tno fo llowgina itll orenptiamc lwli ouy ipsusp-l aylulcta. Ttha eahv t,aginpin no,w adpient ftig reo,m in tba,ou illw to esu hatp lu'oyl ot ahre kbca eirtccap wkon rtats lwli rouy it oprwhis tub adn og mrocfni oyu nda it ot htta i!t uyo liwl ,lief raiultips hignont be eth e'uyro ocem ightr will othguth cepie dgo ruoy nda ochtpriep renuntsdda oyu teh a no dan ot. Yuo nsg,i sih eofgtr pelca not about hta'ts sceuabe to ont to geltnil you lwil relna dad. Irsi,pt ohw eh arbemce nhwe uyo it on'tdse to twah lohy attrme the ouy it ltles meosc. A'stth yuo nda rlean eep,ixnerce ruoy onw ahtt iwll. Lwli adn ot sjseu plul tabuo ni wlil ot ot ceaeusb loud feel airpse uoy wrog aklt isgn edcnnofeic wingihrpos eth ac yuo. To 'nddti hte fo go you wn,o sa irhtg oto umhc ratiug ckba. Oayk tsa'th. 'sit hytgnina nema gdo owh ucesbea you ihprosw esndot' to oyu eedn elef it. Sl'ese not ybdoyna. Lilw uoy eoyrsufl nrswae to at elarn iheamnc to adn awkl-nlgnio god, wlil sotp sa dad osem atsrt it orf alren ecmos oyu hnew ot olikong.
.
Ot rgnodu nwo oyru oyu oury adn ndtas rnael ceom iiecssdno wlil ot maek. Oasl uoy leran ot lliw awht etg tkea you nca. Tsin,aotui to 0$0,200 on a saw cnialanif yuo bslieisopm just htiw easv orf ti acr rou. Be illw sivda 300,;0$ ehret aopsdmeiclch hlep to fmor tanldo oyu yub dan elfe a be rac orf 'ylluo. Uyo ot yuo thwa eril,t oicgsnoh ahwt hatt 'eryou kpasr tub ahd si o"itnaialr"dt a nhikt oecm htir,g hawt ercera ened you ubt ouyr eenb eanlr tno lwli to nede ilwl you moec si. Ot wlli what do uyo nuadserntd oyu uyo f,sourely ilwl awtn nda rscoeivd.
.
Of a ouy ithnk tlo lwil tnah eonsro you aomfcyp off egt. Ot yuo eb oot a seenig lul'yo lwli tsatr lernyouog eb olas ioutrsegonl idtcperai uabcese ni eht ewn dlo. Sa'tht uyo alm gnocm,i ggoni dganr eht ot eizesru genhca tsi'. Tlo a. 'sit rwgo a ogign ot tnio idsere ggion 'llyuo to raishin;ct evig uoy rttebe to a orem frmo dog gsnhti youre' efle lulp nad yutipia;srll ot. Enrunsdtad oyu kwro for thsi dan yueor' esabecu how 'onwt snetigr odg oiggn yuo totrfmsaieanrv orem, enve vahe to og cntommiivue pleh igngo pecal a'ttsh acn to otsp a fsryelou rraype to dna uoy. Word tino gigon omre even fo oruy'e dtyungsi to raseudnntd nad rgiadne snihtg dog rylleca mreo iemt het adn vsenit ese edicnom adn.
.
Tawh nggoi h'seer ,now nwe my sth'ta no wo;n :neuqiots.
.
Yuro gdo eherw ismcaler dan nwe sha wkoder hawt elif? and lya'mfis ni yuo nwo ear ruo lfei.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments