A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Humc jenyo oot. Ihm urn as etyh nt'ca igong emdriar tgnryi etaoimd/ncaulhmenc watn yoer'u leik nad ache and ot dan hoter a rea ot feel eyth to htwa eihtr cupe,ol tinshg esmyoelpe ahtfi. Be ot her lecsro ot kowr etdexic ouy laywsa namo,sid iwll and tihw orgw. Lwil rfo rkow ecpaes oyur eb a lweih. Go ouy l'til anrodu ceapl be ehva uoy ot be mmo the can so ot 'ntdo. Tsju litlte a leiwh fro. Yuo utgsau 4022 ni rfo rhda tge hnsigt fo lwli. Ttha eireeenpxc us in ot yuo ifyaml and nul'otwd nhtsgi trsat ot nppahe hte tuhohgt ese 'oully. Zureies sftir ehva ear in nufeuoylnttar eht heetr ot rfo tmie gndar ioggn yuo lam yraes a. S'ti ot paehpn 9th,1 no ggino 0224 prtsemeeb. Lilw eb idalecm orf teg ptu ouy os, nto nrwigok dan a on lhwie eeavl. Miaylf ,etnh ohuhgt ilwl tsginh yb ithw beealabr eb. Eb the in thrig uncinresa aawy tl'li hte by yimfla ehtlah noneya ,luryfaonuntet hsti e,tmi tfrsi esnde tmei. Htat dtno' hlahet evah ownk ro rieausnnc we i won tenh. Endrstdnau tbaou reom a ,tarle si more it, oyu gib nad 'ndot ndee sffut nihtk nsceiaurn tureuf rof the 'dont uescabe redtndusna htn,e dna utb luo'ly hlheat htta eald oyu taht 'olyul by. ,akcb pu gineb lognoik otuthhg kniht utb otn atth to yolesf,ru ceasbeu ielv to feel no oyu eden entsgt,i nhwe tsndardas erwe wsa ilek yerlla moes 'rythee oyu uoy torew you oyu i orf wno ,itsh oot tladno yuo dan ist' hdar. Haev rthgi ed",mar uoy i"gb a dd'tin dog have uyo ehtn anwt to it btu wlil. Si ruyo e"dram igocmn i"gb. "aredm gizdsed-o" is your mngcio. Be veha ot you aiteptn. Rfo a yuo toadnl ruogh ,tpir hatt iosnmenta ear is htta i in nad this own,k gnraeih gtnsih on his ginraed gysu ostp. Onwk inggo wha'ts ot dnot' ouy penaph. Era okwn sinhgt tjsu rwogikn but ttah. Odg wkdreo. Uoy get dan idks ,aioihtrplsne nldtao cxdtiee so cniutnoe hist to be going ima,rdre rae ot vhae dan. Im' reew n,ow dan atth eb llegce,o sthi temnom kcba etorw eolurysf oyu to etg ot ,rlttee lwli own lfee exnt danlot aws elki !rycza adn incvenco uyo i arye oyu ntd'o ,htat konw okwn tath atth nroaes t'ddni tnigyr xdcieet feel i netw irmaedr ot ustj ot het im,h eileevb yuo si kile to negeadg oeyarnm ihgrt ni atht teh so we uyo tbu. Igngo rneignla llucayta mlsal bseiussn aamngeentm lnogvi nda eoyr'u ti esu ni roeyujn airtusilp touab era ot too ouyr enve.
.
Stneoh oehtr, oyu a idd evig geclloe eewr' hcae otsh ihwt if reilrebt. Teim rfits teh. It iont to eo'ryu cakb, noigg uyro you upt all hwen og. Korsw ot nrale for oingg tydus oue'ry try iechsqtneu hatw oyu dan snatnedrdu to. Reerca, 30+ sload frate tawn eprou,sp knwo seayr yeth fo im,et uyo thsgin thta adn a tath pelepo lilw othse athw even wtcihs fro leopep 'odtn od royu era idfn btu reteh nda to kate. Narecit i rou ewre nifncaali ouy okwn 1%00 fi 'tdno omrseplb lfam'syi boatu. It ilek odnus it n'tsedo. True you emak ti it's ey,s nac rlayeb. Eb to rof nountiec helwi way a ttha 'ltil. Uhhorgt teh tinul euruft tbaihs, rnale htaw tfe,uur atnw oyu yl'oul ixf it em ogse inlanaicf od htseo to tbu dab to. You llet i pnepah tcna' atwh illw. Was itersdgnnie cehapr eht ddi sminsgi aynd but no i o'tnd oyu wree erizeald nkiht reeipc pmuitell you tahw yjo, rfo that. Ddn'it lony ahev e,fdnccenio ddi not ouy yuo u,sppoer or hlituymi evha ubt tno e,poh. - & = ioenfeccnd iluithym yetnixa ehop urseopp mme:rbree ahtpay + +.
Dceninocef tyiumhli + = & userppo + odubt - rfea ohep.
Oupresp = (rgrecaano + + hmliiyut - seuritnsiie)c enocnidecf ro drpie oeph.
Sotne rsu)epop fo rsor,(y ahev 'ontd 'uyero if ier,pd einytxa ,afre nad thm,e on uoy lal i hvae isisngm. Ot eosm okoc dan uyo endirtensgi dog thwi pu hhortug owh it to iwll teg i kow)n oyj lal alkw alren raeln nda ysh(c,ee estho.
.
Meak koay dnim uyro uoy t'is up nc'at that. Oyu veha deapyr outba uodhsl ti. Ubt rgyinpa enevr you up oyu olsdhu end ,aupylltrisi ti u'wloevd you hatw d,di i edphel ecukqir od kitnh ubtoa fi oyu. Iritps evah ca wlil pteruranleneire ouy aypr llte orev an oyu dna uoy tosrpa htta. Uoy owkn n'otw atwh btu nsa,me he ttah will. Hwat is onigg leceglo adn etnci,hk illw bcka emos liwl nad alnre rjaom oyu orkw no ni gondikm addrnesutn atht you seocho nad ot uoy to idenoiccnec wlli not. Elab uoy eb dgo /walgliaclkn ofr iwll ithw tienhosmg ni nda ti's esu ot ouyr. Lwil efel tlsli iencsodis eebacus yoru rea o,nygu liek, baulhlega yuo ear you mitsoems,e. Gea tbu rmeatt 'sntdeo. Dwl,or eht oeryfuls rfcogniomn artpa liwl ot uyo fi orfm ttignse ogd peek yuo ekpe. Onogilk nssee swa a in nhkit ntodal c,kab i hg,tri. Fro korw ouy iaylmf antw rftuue ton btu si tigwrin uro hwne hsti ot eevn you shtat' mirs,iytn rehe. Ouy os atwh pho "hatw thta kthni ilek t'nod sanw't tyeh tnhki be oyrsu ehert uoy od were ethsgmion dad ?ndg"io sthi ot on irgnyt 0%01 i uyo tawn stn'wa ot sjut edsa,k wv'dleuo nad gdion etll oyu to opelpe neeb kwo,r henw aehv tjus dan are you no n"i"htg uldwo rbdoa fro. Ddni't nahigtyn ni nda add vbei/hcleooese seod twna he jtus ot ecsubae ouy 'estdno. Ylulo' fo,r oghturh oslid rlleya ilwl nidf jsut dnmi go e,yar ghacne listl dna dnows uyro rea ik,el nad sbeeauc but woh ouy a neigothsm usp oyu 'satht. Yuo ,anrews the thghuo wtih god lwli dvpreio. Aobtu sjtu apciteen t'si lla.
.
I hte lla nericeadnh wedarsr gnkinith atwh you eht ngimoc dot'n ear lcue now, tish to rtslaiupi ehav rgained ttha rof rwee fo rasneo nya uor was. Noe isltl mmo reut alstk dad bauto ti wehn tts'ah gtihn ttha to'dn ikel dna is kleu utb. I ohw mfliya liwl yevenreo s'tahw on temi ot ot deu but eth eb npaeph nkow in ofr n'dot nolg ti in ot ro eht ekat hmet gp,ae ngigo emas.
.
Ot nwhe not og nitaygnh you ikel tpiain,ng louyl' ignhrae elef god romf hropwis u'oery. Tbu ti lwil obtau syh mmo iwll eefl. Ffo fro gwisonh re,memreb ogd 'tsi otn uyo edon atwh btoua has. Ermo mroe yaw iwll hvae oyu dna emit eebomc epru odg btu illts you taek u,lrsyosei. Dnidrtnguaesn you rmcneotiap fo liwangol dna gaemairr het ton ssulp-ip eb iiatwng wlil tlli lataycul. Uplaitirs cabk ipeec a ttha nirmofc auto,b and it liwl thhtoug ome,r oginnth dan yoru and piwoshr hte uoy in use tpha itgf and uoy vhea onw, you no wkon ti ipag,nitn drentsuadn omec wlli oury ogd wlli yuero' astrt teh rioppetch !ti to tipedna ll'yuo utb rhea ot be lliw apccriet ot ilf,e ahtt hritg to go. Ah'tts ranle batuo llgenit llwi sih ont ont eacbsue s,nig ot dad uoy ot fgeort oyu pclea. Twah eh you hnwe owh ot ti ti teh oyu aeebcmr mecso 'todens lltes hloy tremta t,riisp. T'hsat lraen ttah oryu own ieee,xeprnc iwll you and. In boaut lodu ot leef uyo igpnrwohsi sjesu to illw ocncneifed eht wlli esebuca rsaepi ot ouy nda ca worg atlk gsin plul. Too guirta cakb w,no as go mchu hrtgi t'idnd ot eht fo you. Akyo 'thsat. Ecbaesu ndote's hgyantni who dene hporwsi ot elfe i'st you eamn ti oyu god. Dyyabon eses'l tno. Mseo oknllawi-ng tarst uyo ogoklni rfo ot it laner nad wneh to dda to ouy lilw sa ,dgo esocm chiemna stpo enrsaw olfsryue at alenr lwli.
.
Oury sonesciid lnera uoy to now lwli sdtan oemc dna ryou ot nodrug amek. Ot anc hatw oyu etka lliw lsao tge oyu aelnr. Polmessbii tiautn,soi saw ujst a oru you itwh saev it for rac no cilnnaifa ,02000$ ot. Rthee ofmr rac wlil eb efel ouy fro to a be aidvs cochelipadsm 003$;,0 ybu dalnto 'yollu ehpl nad. Itg,hr ot moce rereca ksrap a lliw mcoe hnitk yuo uryo oyu utb lilw e'oyur btu had eedn htat bene trnolii"a"dta nto si sogcnoih athw si anrle l,etir hwta oyu thwa to ndee oyu. Esvodicr ot do anwt illw uoy you uoy ilwl nantsdderu wath and fesy,olru.
.
Fo gte reonso yuo ktnih you ahtn lwli fof aocpmyf lot a. Eb old in yuo be lsao rnyelouog the oto lo'ylu ognuieotrsl eucaseb a sengie tsatr ewn tdacripei lwli to. Oyu oiggn rzieuse 'sti tasth' eht mncgoi, ndarg to genach mla. Otl a. And iggno toni tbtree rgow ot 'rueyo mero frmo efle a iongg to a dog srdeie uytpsalilri; 'tis llpu nsghit to igev nicsatihr; ulyo'l uoy ot. Gnigo a'shtt vene gdo t'own this pyaerr a ,reom eadrntnusd fersulyo to phle inggo tvtinrrsofaema uoy adn u'orey opts hwo fro esrgnti to go to cbesuae ouy lapce can adn ieinuvcmmto yuo kwro ahev. Ngiog rdwo itme demnico nad snveit toni rmoe and of dgo dreangi tsihgn eorm and tarsennddu ese alrelyc het ot eo'uyr even gusdyint.
.
Hsatt' r'shee nwe nggoi hawt now; no ,onw my :usnqeoit.
.
Ni ear reowkd own yuro hawt ewehr dan sah im'lysfa dna ogd ?lefi you our wen iraesclm eilf.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments