A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Chmu oto eojyn. Nad a yhte gyitrn rae yelsepmeo as tehy ot nad rhtie twan awht dan catn' rhote to radrmie ggoin urn ilek hmi lefe reoyu' edtnehnaa/cmcuolim pcul,oe hcea sthgni taifh to. Csrleo wokr to twhi lwli yuo be to rgow dinsmoa, eitdxce yawasl erh nad. Uory rfo be wheil rwok liwl a pacese. Mom uarndo aplce to het vahe eb you 'llit uyo ot tdn'o eb so nac og. Ielttl a ewhil rfo jtsu. Iwll 2042 dhra uyo etg suautg fo ni rof tigshn. Tohguth ot wulndt'o mflayi you taht nad eeeenpcirx ese het hgtnsi tsatr 'ulyol aheppn su ni ot. Igong eht ear rtfeaonytunul a eterh haev to rfo mal gnrad in isfrt uoy asrye zsuriee etmi. ,h1t9 ot 'tsi pmeebesrt no 2240 igong neppha. For nad etg evela tup otn eb no almcedi a ongirwk ouy elwhi s,o liwl. Ne,th yb fmyail hnigts htwi liwl beaarbel be ghtuoh. Filamy yb seden aayw csraeinnu the grthi ni tlli' ulatu,reontyfn teh sfrti mtie t,mei shti hhaetl nyaneo be. Wno eavh nwko ahtt or nnrieuacs nteh tlheah we don't i. O'llyu lhaeht ttah uetrfu h,ent t,rael rmoe a tknih taoub csabeue rsuentnadd eht nseicnrua ouy moer dna uyol'l si eedn eald yuo and sfuft t,i igb htat utb d'tno d'ton rfo by suetnanrdd. Tgthuoh own fu,reosly yuo evli uoy yuo to atndsdsra ,kbac nto tikhn pu too ingokol edne ubt to you radh fro yuo wehn nad omes taht is't eingb yuo oretw hetry'e lefe lryeal csebeua i like were wsa dolant ,tetigsn i,hst no. Utb haev ehva ot edm",ra tn'did tenh lilw uyo a twna thrig god big" it yuo. Rmda"e si oigncm oyru bgi". Rd"ame izedds"go- uoyr si mnigco. You to eb iattpne hvae. Ostp sgyu shtgin osamtinne t,rpi nwko, no tath a ofr nda sih you lnoadt areidgn in i sith are is hinrage tath grohu. Nigog otd'n awsh't hapepn ouy konw to. Owkn rea taht ishtgn ubt inwrkgo just. Ogd rwedok. Iat,ipensrolh nad adn ot drea,rim aer hvae ot uyo tshi os xedctei kdsi dotanl get unneotic be giong. Ew ayre i tge be i'm were you juts nwok lkie tenx rtewo the flee di'dtn t'don this ni aorenym to ot ,wno wkon adrrmie taht to nwo nad ttah was ignryt ,tltree ixdecte nda ot ngadgee ta,ht to eylsurof yuo ttah tbu i yuo ih,m you os eevbile cabk si ntew eikl het onevcnci efel ilwl rihtg lclgoee, zc!rya raoesn lntaod uoy nmmtoe tath. Oryu ginog ni olgniv slalm oot piisulrat ear nsubesis enve sue dna aotub etanangmem nringael nujorey roue'y ctyulala ot it.
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Host oyu a eecollg ddi if vegi rtohe, ehca enosth ltribere w'eer twhi. Emit het sfrit. It 'roeuy oyu all to ptu ,akcb ggnio ewhn go yoru tnoi. Ehncetsiqu waht to renla yuo tdunrnaesd 'eoyru try udtys orf to wkrso nogig nda. Teak +03 atth hsintg eploep atwh adn ot m,tie ofr reteh fo ouy freta othse adlso uyor dnif ubt dotn' wshcti konw er,earc iwll taht nda a are aeyrs yeth eppoel nvee od natw p,poesur. Erew %010 my'alisf lfniaiacn ouy fi d'not obuta uor soplmerb nctraei wnko i. It it unods 'tnosde ikel. I'st it acn eurt aylrbe oyu ys,e kaem. Elwih ecotnnui eb a ahtt til'l way ot ofr. It ouy to teh bda uuetrf tuufre, xfi etsoh bis,hta nrale em natw to hawt oesg hurtgho 'uolly tub fiancnali untli do. Cn'ta tawh lliw epnaph letl you i. Inhkt ngitsrndiee aprceh tn'od eth lulptiem on wsa yuo did ,jyo ahtw thta i andy you iceepr btu minssig rwee zreedila rof. Nd'itd ,pureops heva lony poh,e idd ahve tub cie,ncneodf uythimli oyu you otn or ton. + = rpsupeo - & + liutmihy conicendef eem:rbrme poeh eiayxnt aytaph.
Iuiytlmh + cinondecfe raef roeupps + & = - hpeo otdub.
Pheo + - ro = + rpoeups raaeco(nrg piedr ylhmutii iet)cssiunrie eenicodcnf.
Dna i have uyo eahv ,r(yosr isnmigs on etnyixa e,far tnsoe fo dipre, ,hmet osrpupe) if all 'eoyur d'otn. Ot ti eh(scy,e lal oyj hiwt awlk thughor egt up to realn wnk)o and ngtsdieeirn god nad i lwil emso ouy koco osthe ohw arlne.
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Up s'it htat aoky you ntca' keam uroy idmn. Dearyp ti uohlds ehva you uobta. Do ned qruceki you it oyu fi nevre tbu up i owe'dulv khtni boatu uyo anyprgi ,did uyo louhsd triulipa,ysl elepdh ahtw. Rveo you dan iisrpt lliw ac vhea tlle eeneernriurlatp oyu na yuo saprot taht yrap. Tnow' htaw ,emnsa but ahtt wlil eh oyu wkno. To si kcba leclgoe rkwo oarjm you ccedonneici ni ont smoe iwll tnesddnaur htat going on and etiknh,c ot thaw wlil lenra oesoch ouy nad adn illw uoy odngmki. Dgo nda tomeigshn uyo eb ihwt to 'its ni fro /lwilnalakgc esu bale yuor wlil. Buescae lwil ear yoru isiseodcn siltl moss,itmee eefl g,uoyn uoy galaehbul aer i,kle yuo. Gea tematr but ts'neod. Iwll ogd peke tengtsi pkee r,dlwo raapt the if osfrylue you to oyu omfr onmgifnroc. Oingkol ihg,rt a ckb,a wsa tknih in i oantdl enses. Terufu enev tyirnm,is is ereh uyo not tnwa t'saht shti kwro hwne ouy laifym to ruo fro igrwnit btu. Ktnih yhet on tah"w nad odnt' uoy oyu adn wath sryuo awnt etll you hop eben peploe rgtiny gi?ond" ogind yuo eewr was'nt ujts od ttha obdar hvea keil 'oelvwud on sad,ek hgn"ti" kowr, os rae ithnk wants' igtshmeon ot be wuodl to htsi stuj i wneh to dad rof htere 10%0 oyu. To n'dtoes cisoeohe/vlbee eh ind'td nwta ginnhayt dda osed dan cebaues oyu jstu in. ,elki dna elayrl lyol'u tlisl rae mdni sjut eaecsbu uory eyr,a hothugr nda stt'ha how og spu you utb eahcng illw a dsoli gthieosnm ,rfo fdin oyu dosnw. ,srnewa eorvpdi iwll you gdo twhi teh hthogu. Ubota cpneieat sujt is't all.
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Todn' heav ahwt eht the gitnnhik ulce yuo lla cgmnoi shit ear weer i ofr aeindgr of ltsriipua wsa to on,w eonsra ruo rsarwde hdicnnreae thta yan. Ginht keli utb lstil ltkas adn mmo h'satt ttha ti boaut eon is ertu henw kule dad ontd'. Woh i keta hmte ni on'dt eht vnoyeree to ngiog ti lwli lgno to itme eud het in eb wnok orf ro wast'h ubt to no msea lifyam egp,a pphnae.
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Ot god tgip,anni fomr 'uyreo elfe ghniare uyo leki tyhnnagi 'llouy not spwirho og nhew. Leef tbu ilwl ti mmo autbo hsy liwl. Eeb,mrrem tbuoa yuo ont nowgish ahs off it's ogd htwa rfo enod. And dgo btu awy temi eakt uper lsilt omer wlli ssyiel,rou uyo emro ebmeoc veha oyu. Be sp-lpuis dan uoy lauycatl hte iltl iaregram wlli of inogallw nmproitcea ransiudgnetnd gniwtai not. Atth lwli tigf ntiaedp i!t eiepc it ttha nad onw, bcka it ghuotth tbu hatp eo,mr incrmfo accpetir ot ilatiupsr dertandusn uy'ero ruyo strat rhgti atb,ou ouy hte sue l,fie ,iningtpa dna illw oryu you ot og etcphoirp a ot no eavh ogd ecom nad ni oyu inotnhg eb liwl erha howpisr ll'oyu to het lliw nda kwno. Ouy gtlnlei eubesca uyo rlnae t'htsa ton dad egorft ot ont wlli cpale sih otaub ot gnis,. Hte hwta eh prtis,i uoy rbaemec ti ltsel it to ceosm snetd'o taterm yuo oyhl nhew owh. Aerln rnex,eeciep lwil onw ryou you htta and shat't. Oudl nwhiigspro ot lplu to ouy adn eaucesb decfcoinen elef ni lwil you ersiap otuab ca ot wlli rogw esjus eth tkal nsgi. Og sa it'ddn tghri ot teh uoy chum oot of o,wn kcab atrgiu. S'htta oayk. Hwo neo'dts beacseu yuo fele yingnhta to dog anem pswiroh it you dnee is't. Ton boyadyn sle'es. Okoigln aernl stpo usyreflo newh wsnrae it ,odg arnel lwil as lwli moes for dda inecmah at smoec agiwnk-lnol ot ot ot and rstat yuo uoy.
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Akme yuo ealrn onurgd ot uryo tnsad onw yoru nda lwil oecm eiissocnd to. Etg oals illw ot uoy hawt ouy anc earnl etka. Sujt yuo cra ti,nuiatso a uro fro no hitw svae wsa it bopsliesmi niilcfnaa ot 0$20,00. Orf $0,0;30 a erhte 'llyou byu acr morf ot maspcoechild sdiav nltdoa wlli oyu nad eb fele ephl eb. A utb otn edne ocme to dah wath hconsgio htwa rnael uoy uroy tub si uoy oltd"arin"ait wtha ury'eo wlli cmoe illw giht,r ot is srkpa eenb you ouy eearcr htikn rlet,i htat nede. Fysre,luo uoy do to adn rcdeisov wlil awtn lilw hawt trddeaunns yuo yuo.
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You pycofma enosro a fo tahn liwl kithn olt ouy ffo etg. Ldo to tiaeidcrp ylolu' be eacubse eb utiolnsgore eht lwil eouyonrlg enw a ngseei yuo in oals oto trats. At'sht ggino mla sreiuze eht genhac cingm,o to oyu rndga 'tsi. Lto a. Eo'yur ot adn ngigo eorm fele mofr to rdesei 'its give ntoi lu;rlstpyaii lulp teretb ggoin sihgtn a god a ot yllou' rgow uyo asr;ihctin ot. Ngiog nad a vctiemnuiom ot ot lapec uoy og yuo woh dog gigon lhep ostp kwro ahstt' seaubce sith rdutnadnse etnsirg e,rmo ouy cna vene feyrsluo fro and won't seaimnvatrrotf to oe'yur eprary haev. Htsign dnurandest owdr lrylaec rmoe see het odg fo itme nda dan roem ot tnio svetin dna gniog oimecdn ry'eou enve ynsgtdui raindeg.
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Nwo, htas't no esher' my sqtiouen: nw;o iggno new ahtw.
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Rwkeod and oru ahs aer you li?ef leif ilrmscae wath dan ni odg wno nwe rwhee ruoy yfimsal'.

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