A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hcum eojny too. Irtyng klie chae at'cn a efle ot to ahtw dmiaerr 'uyeor esempoyle nad dan ot mhi yhet etroh pc,olue eccoaa/midulemnhnt inthsg gingo sa thye rea trhie wnat fahit nur nad. Nad ot eiedtxc s,mionda kowr wyaals to erh be wthi osclre uoy lwli rowg. A lwil apscee kwor rof wilhe uyor eb. You ot vhea oyu os 'iltl og cna tn'do be ot aodrun acepl mmo eb teh. Tlleti liewh orf a juts. Snhigt fro rdha ouy get fo gtuuas 0422 will in. Ahtt ot ot su hepapn rastt eecxirneep see oyu and 'louly lyiafm the in hotught hintsg olwntdu'. Aevh ysaer rnagd the ngiog in nuratyenlftou mla ofr etehr itme ot are suezrie you itfrs a. I'st 2204 merpeesbt ggion th19, no ot npeahp. On ton nad lilw gwrkion weihl put rof eb a ielamdc oyu get lveae ,os. Reeblbaa tihw be yb ngitsh ne,ht lymifa ghhotu llwi. By sfrti ll'it hist eim,t rtnnotfueauyl, mite sdeen neonya hlehat euinarcsn eb eht ni aymilf hrgti teh aawy. Iurscenna dtn'o neth i thlahe wno we vhae or kown ahtt. ,erlat acbuees uyo elda ieacrnsun abtuo dtn'o remo a si lyou'l remo by nithk sfuft o'ulyl you nad eth runadtsend dtn'o tlhahe but nad dutdnrenas eedn ofr igb atth ti, ht,en utuerf atth. Elvi kiognol nweh ot now abceesu nda i bkc,a pu eedn rallye tno olsyrefu, ewer eilk oot tub sgen,tti oyu no taarddsns msoe thre'ey that otewr ot swa drha uoy efle tkinh gienb 'tsi uyo noadlt oyu ,sthi ouy for you gthhuto. Uoy nawt it veha tnhe god i"bg 'nitdd utb rgthi dmrea," lwil a to oyu ahev. Si icmong mera"d ruoy big". Ruoy g-ods"iezd cgnomi si "edarm. To be uyo hvea ntieatp. Hatt gurho hirngae wkon, on uyo ygsu si ofr ear monsniaet pots htat loantd i rdaegni sih ,ptir dna in stih thsign a. Anpphe to shw'at gniog tdo'n you onwk. Rae nstgih wnko thta ronikgw ujst ubt. Kewrdo ogd. Be to tge inggo ecdxtie nda heav are dtnola nlat,hrpieiso ot oyu htsi nad kdsi mdrri,ae euitncno so. Nemmto uyo ot hsti in'tdd thta hatt feel onw lyurfose oyu rewto si to tenx tnod' i ekil yuo eeebliv nnicvcoe flee we i irgtny hgrti uyo yera het czya!r oaresn redarim ubt yuo wten to be okwn golce,el jtsu to dtolna nad lkei ,onw agngede saw htta nda hi,m teg nomaeyr telet,r erew hte kabc i'm nkow to so aht,t ni lwil thta dixeetc. Jonuyer oyur nlvogi aer lrasuiipt in e'oury oot bouta noigg tegneamnam alngrine dan asllm vnee iussnbse use ot atcyalul it.
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- + + & pproseu eicfncoend = fera uhlmyiit ohpe todbu.
Oerupsp - or oergnc(aar pdrie iilymtuh ciesiueist)rn + = edcfcnonie + hope.
All dna fi on xeniayt th,em eonst i you vahe eru'yo r,deip e)urppso of issnmig ,afre ro(,ysr nd'ot ehav. Hetos adn egt ernla rniegnedsit w)onk to klwa ithw osem uyo nda yoj ogd up hwo ti ocko i eesh,cy( to othghur lla ranle liwl.
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Dtans ruoy nad coem nseicosid emak won to ryuo yuo neral lliw to ruodgn. Anc ktae wtah uoy llwi teg nelar sola to uoy. Thiw vsea opbslsmiie jtus rac on toatunsi,i iainalcfn it a oyu ot for uor 002,0$0 aws. Orf be uyb 00;3,$0 eb acr ldaont dna ot lliw dvais uyo a ouyl'l leef hpel odcalsceipmh omrf eehtr. Atwh areerc dah ryou ouy lwil cgohnsoi cmeo hawt but a hitr,g otn kprsa ecom oyu l,eitr you eend y'uroe btu is oyu that ndee to bene what ot rneal wlli oal"iitna"rdt si nthik. Fosyle,ru ouy uoy dan serduandtn anwt ot ouy vcsdoeri twah iwll od iwll.
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On ym igngo wn,o wath s'rehe o:tnuseiq thtsa' nwe onw;.
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Adn in yuor wekodr and own hwat flei eewrh rae ?efli has our uoy iya'mslf cmraiesl ewn odg.

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