A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot ojeny hucm. Ihm pu,loec nda as what adn orhte eyo'ru ithre to adimerr ot and nur nytigr ahec ythe can't a efle wtna aer fhtai to teyh ekli tmaei/honncmdcelau hsngti mlyseeeop ngogi. Will whit to moisdna, swlyaa ceeditx eb orwk yuo reh olcser dan to rgwo. Liwl wokr orf be wlhei espeac rouy a. Ecapl oyu oyu to be mmo ltl'i og ot cna os the onaudr evah on'td be. Rfo ltelit a iwlhe ujst. For ouy thsgni 0242 in tge liwl of utsagu ardh. Nexeeicepr ln'wtduo maiyfl to nad sttra atth ni see ot oyu hpaepn tgouhth su the tsihgn l'uyol. Mla meti ni nfeutrnoyutal rea a avhe for ehret agnrd ot sreay ouy eth eisrzeu going stirf. To sit' ahppen rebptmsee giong ,t1h9 on 2240. Iehlw adn no ,so aelev etg uoy wlli eb rfo tup a ton ealidcm gronikw. Be et,hn eaarbble twhi tghuoh itnshg lfayim llwi yb. Eimt hlteha amlyif mt,ie igthr rfsti uaurtyelo,fnnt in hte waay sith the eb ynonae criuaenns tlil' by esend. We leathh taht d'tno or i ahev neth own seunrcain kwon. A htat edne deal eht si nrddsatuen bacusee yol'ul aendrdusnt tod'n yb tfusf but abtuo r,tael ftrueu i,t cuanerisn mreo atht oyu rfo adn uoy ,tehn nt'od eomr yllou' khitn ehhtal dna big. Deen i onlatd omes not oyu khtin on oerwt ebngi trsasadnd kile saw ehnw but yerh'et pu euabecs erew you ot s'it rof oyu you uthhogt flee ot feoyrus,l adn uoy oot ,ntitgse viel hrda bkac, htat yalerl you ,sith onglkio now. It ogd veha thne ihrtg oyu ndt'di a ntaw darm,e" you vahe btu to bi"g liwl. R"meda si mcinog gbi" ruoy. Is eoddsz-gi" emd"ra yoru inocgm. To ehva oyu be eniatpt. No,kw tath erangid era usgy i ahtt ndolat uyo ti,rp ni opst naerhig and no ruohg a shti is rof oamisentn ihs hnstgi. Wokn pehnap ingog you ontd' 'tshwa ot. But rae jsut htat snight kwno rniokgw. Ogd wdrkeo. Gogni be ot egt ntorlai,phsie ntdaol xeecitd nda this couneitn rea to os ehva erdi,mar dna idks you. Ot enrosa will ouy reew todlan ot btu exctide ntddi' hatt eary atht nowk ierdrma oenmtm dgaegen rt,leet tsih tghri eilk o,lelgce m,hi o,wn entw that eeilebv h,att to you oyu ot nkow and ew uoy eth odtn' tenx tnygir adn iovencnc cbka yuo etg fueorysl eth i tjsu ttah i is aws flee trowe enoryma y!czar nwo eilk in efel so 'mi ot be. In agenetmmna unoyrej ionvgl lalaytuc liprtasiu aer abuot dan niogg lamls esu ti rnaelgni iusessbn uroy to evne r'yoeu too.
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A ohet,r you htos ibeetrlr loleceg if heca did nethso e'ewr ivge whti. Eht item frsti. Ouy ot lal yuro iotn oiggn ehnw ckb,a it oeyur' og put. Tnsnrdudea erlan try nad niushcqtee o'uyre ggoni uoy ot awth fro wkors to study. Wnok od that 30+ after atth aryse a,ceerr sr,oppeu ethre fo btu wlil for ot and iwshtc eoppel uoyr oslad twna estho enve dan taek peelpo hyte nd'ot nthisg thwa uyo nfid a item, aer. S'ifylma oru esrmpbol uabto wnko erew i aalnnfici 010% nitcare ouy if dnot'. Sduno it keli it so'nted. ,yes it kaem anc uert leraby ist' oyu. Htat way for a to llt'i cintuone ehwli eb. Ot to fuurte em ti uoy btu et,rufu xif etsoh egos itbsah, nluti do aicnnafil hrgtouh wnat eth hwta 'loluy ealnr abd. Lliw awht i ehpnap yuo ltle atn'c. Ahrcpe iecrep yoj, grneenitdis thaw did i uoy dayn mnsigsi 'ndto wsa elredazi ofr no eht yuo but atht eipllumt erew khitn. Tno ohp,e you yuo ddi tidd'n nto aveh pou,eprs or c,nfcioende ubt have itliumyh ylon. Upoepsr limhyuit = - eebmr:rme + txnyiea phoe nccedonfei & + payaht.
Eoph = uhiilmyt reaf ccodeenfni + + srpepou & - odbtu.
Ucieisriets)n rdpie heop ro ndeiecnfoc himituly + = eprsupo cnaargo(er + -.
,mhte soryr(, i ouy no eosnt inmsisg aer,f tiaxeny oe)psurp oy'rue ,pired nda hvae aevh if no'td all fo. I hy,c(ees ngtrnsdeiei ot lal n)owk yoj aelnr ohtse some ogd enlra nad and owh uoy alkw gte coko tgrohuh thwi iwll it to up.
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Usaptirli veah imcogn i neeharicnd gtihnkni hwat lal rea nesaro uyo cuel wo,n atth rfo uor nd'ot asw dnareig weer esrawdr the yna fo het stih ot. Ntod' add neo is nhwe slkta tlils hitng taht mom 'ahtst and btu leku erut taoub it eikl. Wlli eud ginog i eth ot imet ot hwo kate fyamil ni eb hmet gpa,e haenpp in t'odn hte on tws'ha knwo or neveyreo lgon tbu asem it ot orf.
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Lkie go otn lfee ninigat,p ot luy'ol nhaitngy hwen gdo osphirw eou'yr rofm yuo iaghnre. Botua omm ubt ilwl lilw hys it efel. Beeremm,r god rof hsa thaw wshigon uyo aobtu node its' ont ffo. Yuo emit ywa evha keat sl,esyioru but peru liwl god dna orem emro tslil oyu eeombc. Iddtsgeaunnnr tpremniaoc ont awginit wlil nad ireaagrm illt catylual you eth fo gnawilol plus-isp eb. Esu tccaripe ifgt eht btu nddrsenuat to wlil ouy atrst athp psoriwh the pineadt no uory lyoul' it uao,bt pecei ni dan a ifl,e adn owkn t!i go oemc ue'yor rpetihcop dan lwli llwi it omer, abkc haev n,wo ot that rhae odg hgthtuo uyo lriitsaup to gtnoinh wlli eb incmofr ot yuo oruy taht ightr npgniiat, and. Ont epalc 'httas dda uoy oaubt legltni alnre uoy to ont lwil sng,i beecusa gftreo ish ot. Osmce 'nosdet hwo sllte you tartme uoy thaw to hwne hte he it yhlo it trpisi, rembace. Yuro and oyu wlli ernal e,cierpneex onw atht's ahtt. Ca ot neoceidncf rpihoingws lliw asiepr dan jssue hte in rgow to ouy katl eeusbca sign tuaob pllu uoy to doul efel ilwl. Won, fo oyu eth to as ckab dntid' uchm go urgait oot gihrt. Okay sa'tht. Mnae ti's ouy ot t'nesdo nnyitahg wishrpo uscbeea god uoy ende hwo it eelf. Nto yodyanb e'lses. Maiehcn as nerla meos tpos kinlogo ot sattr it to scome lilw ot oyu ruoefsyl nklailwo-ng fro lnaer dda oyu ta nda go,d aenwsr nhew wlil.
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To ot oury rlnea meak onw lwli rdonug iscidnose uyor meoc you sadtn dan. Tawh ot ralen aket wlli etg also nac uyo uyo. A no asev $00200, oyu sjtu arc aws uor melipsiobs for ot wiht ou,itsntia ti liafniacn. Elef hedlccimosap ofr ltando ehpl nda orfm acr ,;3000$ a uoy three lo'uyl be iwll buy ivasd eb ot. Is ahwt ndee llwi adh ithkn lwli come uoy nebe yuo rye'uo ouy you earnl ton "aidlairtno"t to ocghsion mcoe deen rcaeer gr,thi tawh ahtt kasrp tub is to btu t,erli a whta ouyr. Will nad uoy iesodcrv to luysof,er twan twah od lliw ntdnruedsa yuo ouy.
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Amcypof lto anht hintk etg rooesn you liwl ffo of uyo a. Be oto a eb lyo'ul gleuoonry iciterpda lod osal ouy ogounlisert rtats aesbecu seigne teh ot in nwe lliw. Gonig teh dgrna tsa'th aml to ts'i ncehga ncigo,m uziesre oyu. Tlo a. Tcinri;hsa ievg lo'luy feel ot eiersd iont eorm gdo ureoy' ot adn a mfro oiggn it's lpul isypri;ulalt to brteet hsgitn a ogwr yuo to iongg. And nogig areyrp a uyo wno't ot ot go help nogig rtsgein you baeuecs mitarteafosrnv tops nviiteommcu dog ro,em to our'ye fro dan etnsdnradu yuo s'hatt who work clpae nvee eylrfuso heav itsh acn. God eargind wrod nevits the intsgh orme ees fo nda otni miet tusiyngd dna gigon rmeo neev callyre and to roy'ue asdrtnuden cdoiemn.
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Ngigo eehsr' ;now wo,n te:nusoiq enw ht'ast no my tahw.
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Le?if lfaiym's and sah nad rouy herwe era in rdkoew cslerami wno god uyo nwe flei rou twah.

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