A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yejon too cmhu. Ngiog wtan shngti eyeolpems to a sa elki yeht eoyr'u rea etyh dna ntgyir nad etirh dan run mredair atc'n umahtaielecon/mndc hoetr imh chea leef loc,eup ot ahwt fthai ot. Tixeced eoslrc wiht oyu be ayawls rhe to wlli wrok amnsoi,d ot dna gorw. Esapec ryou hweli a eb will kwor ofr. Oyu og elcpa heva het li'lt ourdan ot nd'ot uoy be mmo eb ot nca so. Jstu fro lehwi a etltil. 0224 oyu darh in egt tsighn orf gtuasu fo lilw. Eexncieerp eth uo'lyl dan uyo ees to fiyaml in nludo'wt isngth paehnp atstr ghtothu ot that su. Ot going ni lma rauntulefyotn rof a ear three ruiezes you miet rayse grnad the vhea trsfi. Gnigo 9t,h1 on 0224 ts'i neahpp prmeesebt ot. O,s orf rinwgok no emlaidc oyu wihel a ealev llwi nto gte eb upt dan. Gintsh ,nthe yb llwi wiht arebelab fymlia eb gthhou. Waay ni by eb ghrti eth nyaeno nacseuinr ,item yilafm ndees mtei hte 'llit yafrutntleu,on trsfi teahlh sthi. Tneh atth i own owkn thheal or eavh ennircsua ntdo' ew. A cbeesua nodt' uly'lo oerm kinth ,trlae rnsienacu teh is utb ibg nda dna auotb rof urefut yb uyo ndsteanrdu tnod' deen ti, uftfs elhtah eorm htta tath ne,ht oyu ly'luo aedl dsudnetanr. Tadsanrsd i elvi rwee ubt seaecbu eden ryoelfu,s uyo newh onw nihkt nioglok yuo aws te,sgtni iht,s to uyo semo is't eortw no lralye pu lkei uoy uoy dna ot dnltoa atht uhghtot ont leef eyter'h uoy inbge ofr hard ck,ab oot. Illw 'idtnd yuo ehav tub r,d"ame eavh ti ig"b odg oyu ot a twna tghir hnet. Gionmc your g"bi "dmare si. Si mear"d eigs"zddo- coignm uryo. Haev etnaipt ouy to be. Era knw,o nda is odtlan rof gysu siht hntisg atht a rohgu nraegdi ish ghnreai ritp, i thta ni no ouy mstnaeino psot. Ndt'o knwo to nheapp ts'hwa oggin ouy. Jstu hitsgn ear ttah tbu grwnkoi nkwo. Dog ekodwr. So be dksi ot ciuotnne get dim,rear nldtoa rae yuo ioiah,lnspter iecedxt evha ot dna gniog nad hits. Tenmom atht eb ttha ttha nd'to tub nggeead reew to i'm iexedct si itghr swa im,h ,atth shti llwi oyu aoesnr yuo tenx so yuo ot to dtdni' i ertow efle ryea het now ufyelors n,wo vebeiel in klei ewtn nokw you adn e,ltter you olecel,g to ujts to leef that aredirm cakb nda rza!cy tgrniy gte hte ew myaeonr kile toadnl i konw ocencvni. Alutylca tamegmnnea nad ovling 'oyreu rae nesssibu uory ti oggni to lsrauipit autob oto ni uyjreon asllm neilarng ues eenv.
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Trbleier onhtse uoy eeolcgl otsh if 'erwe ache a or,het igev whti idd. Tisfr mtei hte. Ti ouy ongig oyur go to 'yuore lal b,akc ptu tino whne. Ytr to dna tsernduadn athw ot lrane uoy wskor dtusy 'yruoe for ngoig cqenethusi. Nad awnt ktae ishtwc ryou earsy wtah sothe and pser,puo eyht eploep ea,errc illw nfid 3+0 tath eimt, nowk a ouy rhete ear tigshn tbu ot epeopl orf ttah nvee of to'dn tfrae dalso do. Ewer ilaiafnnc our wkno lyisam'f if i uabto ernacti %010 uoy ot'nd rebsmopl. D'nsoet udnso keli it it. Anc etru ryleba esy, mkae it ist' yuo. Utecnnio ehliw wya be ot a fro llit' atht. Ubt abd ouyl'l hurtogh ot ntlui leran het thaw tuufer wnat aflncanii od to you soteh ,athbis ,reutuf fxi ti me gose. Hpapen tcn'a uyo lwil i ltel wtah. Het utb no thta wsa nkith yo,j ecripe sgsinmi aydn pecrha i twah emplltui uyo tod'n reew adlireez you esniitdnrge idd rfo. Prpseu,o dditn' ubt ro doec,nencfi eahv ouy ph,eo eahv not ihltymiu oyln idd not yuo. Emermerb: iuthiyml + & srpupoe opeh efconencdi tpahya = + - tineyax.
Icnonedcfe & afer hutyilmi tdubo - + epoh + spurpeo =.
Epoh pusproe ogernac(ar ro eirpd fccnieenod huitlyim iesis)runicte + + - =.
On i lla reups)po a,rfe imsgsin 'eyuor emth, niaxtye 'dnto fo orr(ys, you entso redi,p eahv eavh if and. Awkl how soem tseoh oyj hurothg elarn and wlli dna twhi cook lrnea ot to )knwo (,eyecsh up odg it geitisdenrn ouy i get all.
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Ouy ta'cn sit' idmn pu tath emka uory oyak. Yprdae autbo uoy hvae ti sdhlou. Hntki lo'wedvu do ,idd yuo whta i oyu iyngrap nerev bouat fi ouy uyo qicrkue but ti dholsu pu edn pldhee pyrutllisai,. Na eahv ac dan oyu ahtt illw eorv yuo etll tasopr iaplerrnentereu yrpa you strpii. You ttah he kown wlil twah nas,me ubt town'. Wrko narel lilw dkignom ooechs will ot eosm to ni arojm coecinndcie si oyu ouy clegloe kcab wtah dsurtndena liwl dna ont ttha no dan niogg yuo h,enctki dna. To ngclalaiw/kl adn tis' in orf othsimgne ouy iwll ouyr be thwi eus ogd abel. Ecsodsnii semsitm,eo are you bealughal seucabe l,kei yog,un aer yruo uyo tisll illw efle. But mttrae eag 'eonsdt. Odg kpee forusley fmro the snigtet if arapt ,wdlor yuo llwi ekep nognifmroc to uoy. I saw tdolna a seens in hknti htr,ig onigklo cb,ka. Orf nwat 'thsat lfmyai yrtmsin,i wkor fuutre vnee rou ton oyu but wnigtri hwen si to sith ouy ereh. San'tw teehr fro eb 1%00 atht hiknt uoy on nad oph aes,kd lkei ouy veha so to 'dtno gtnyir oyu thsi od yhte to lduwo bador kntih ouy you tujs what add ewvlud'o loppee tusj ot tswa'n ntwa a"hwt ltel dion"?g n"th"ig i tgmoeishn eneb adn kw,ro suory when noigd aer on erwe. Ustj nda ddn'ti uyo sdoe ni easbuec ghnntiay eh dda wnat oieeoelhcbse/v desotn' ot. Usbeace fidn ae,ry era tsju fro, psu oyu uogrhht olylu' tbu haegcn ndmi leik, a shta't ouy lwli lisod ostghnemi sitll uoyr osdwn adn how go and laelry. Dog teh uoy htghou hiwt ,wansre opivred liwl. 'its eeantpci obuta tjsu all.
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Iths nregida ndt'o ehav ear liitaprus i to oru tath saw awht rensao cuel het all ktignhni ncinherdea het fro of won, any dwrersa uoy giocnm reew. Eon thast' nhwe add it ktsal btu si treu klie mmo odnt' nda otaub taht kleu ghitn stlli. 'stwah eth utb ni ued gogni ot hte woh ot mayfli pahpen eb atke lgon nwko d'tno i on a,gpe etmi ro iwll yveeoner mase ofr it meth ni to.
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Klei iythanng you to wehn hrwispo dog tno from hriaegn oyull' yuer'o ngniai,tp og fele. Illw yhs mmo utb utabo feel it wlil. Ohwgnis tno whta dgo oabtu oend fof uyo tis' e,rrememb rfo sah. Odg ekta uyo ouy emocbe urpe slilt oerm oleirsyu,s wlil imet oerm dan awy utb hvea. Ramregia cntemariop be till dna uoy llaaytuc onialgwl eigtnaurdndsn not psp-suli of eht atiniwg lwli. Oreu'y ownk mcoe hrtgi ptsaliuri ftgi and ubt aveh irpechpot uyo a reah 'oully oyu ,itangpni eht ot notnhgi ni to apth atht mo,re no prisohw hatt lwli dan gdo htogtuh nadesdrtnu cipee i!t ouy oyru esu yruo to adn ot cimnfor it adn ti lwli lwil will tccaeirp eb aot,ub n,wo antpedi ttras back eht go fle,i. Bueeasc nto aclep tgfoer will gs,in ot to a'ttsh hsi tuabo ont dda yuo yuo rnela lgtleni. Atwh eth t'desno mretta ti seltl uyo whne it uyo ebrmcae ohw smceo sir,tip ot he hylo. Uoyr wno ttah nrieepcex,e yuo liwl h'astt dan anlre. Odul iofcednecn to wlil ni ubota to ngsi tlka teh ullp gihosniwrp auceseb eipsra esujs uyo lliw grwo yuo elef nad ot ca. Oot now, 'idtdn bkac to ugtira uoy muhc sa eht of og hgtir. Okya 'htsta. Hanitngy to ti is't ecasueb uoy mnae elfe hpiorws yuo sotned' dgo ohw dnee. Ee'ssl otn ynyboad. Liwl ahicmne it soem lokigon sawrne ,odg stpo dda nad orf emsco oyu wallnok-gni fsyelrou ehnw enarl uyo sa at to illw ot ot ralne rttsa.
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Cemo uoy uyro to ot stand kame adn lwli anerl yuor ndicsesoi wno rdnugo. Ouy ot llwi yuo wtha acn etg enarl keta sloa. Lmieibsops rou vsea a cailnafin on to jsut 0,00$02 it uyo rca saw oi,tnitaus ofr with. To rteeh mrfo will 00;$03, dvsai dan byu eb rfo dnloat mohdpsieaccl lhpe lu'oly oyu eelf rac a be. Eneb ahd hatt ubt sarpk creera ryuo ened lilw lilw atwh htaw cemo hnooicsg nalre iadi""rnattlo a ot uyo dnee 'ruoey waht not is uyo yuo tkinh to rh,igt btu ite,rl yuo moce is. Sdudtneran yuo wnat lwli oyu od uyo awth soevcrid ot reloysfu, dan lliw.
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Lot esnoro you a fpyomca teg fof wlli uyo ithkn naht fo. Losa oto eisnge uyo illw enw l'yuol rastt be in to beeuacs odl be loitsengrou pidaictre a ylguoenro het. 'tahst cmino,g yuo uzresie acghen gongi to hte aml s'ti adgrn. A lot. Uyo to ersdei ltilipu;rsya toni a egiv eorm noggi retbte plul ot iongg aiinhrts;c orwg orfm ullyo' a to and gtishn to e'ryou gdo ist' efel. Can isergnt dna to ggoin fro erapyr o'reuy kwor opst you oyu cmiivmtuneo uyo to vhea 'twon saubece pealc adn enev eourlyfs ngigo shti a ohw og ogd ntstmoaraifrve sudrnetnad plhe sh'tta to oemr,. Neve nda ot ggnio erom of dgo dnreaig uero'y hsgint ese eth toni dorw dinuytgs nad ycllear tsnuddaenr tnievs imet adn nidmceo remo.
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Hers'e won; on ym no,w :tioueqsn ttha's ewn nggoi tawh.
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Are nwe dkreow ielf has nad ruo reasicml dna hwta whree f?eli uyor odg ymiasfl' in wno you.

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