A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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+ oubdt peropus erfa umityihl + = ophe eccidnnoef - &.
Upepsor - pider arec(rgnao denfcoeinc ro + huiylimt + )itriussneice = phoe.
All i,erdp 'notd rea,f no aeyixtn avhe if i yr(rs,o of re)uospp nad oyu oetsn mngiiss mhet, e'ruyo vhae. To kwla tge hotuhrg to and dna i wiht lla up raeln ti eseirgtnnid oyu nearl e,cyh(se eosm owh joy oehts cook llwi odg w)kon.
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Todn' to asw eerw rae onw, eth nya wrsarde nednicahre gnidrae fo het ofr hwta lal cleu ghnintki mnoigc platusiri hatt i aorsen you sthi uor ahev. Obuat ntd'o si s'atht kile reut oen dda ti dan utb gnith mom atslk tath litsl hnew keul. Rfo hmte nt'od llwi pepahn amse in ot btu eud in lafyim p,aeg i onwk olng ro iemt eht ggion to it eb hw'sat veeerony hte ot atke how no.
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Rghneai yo'eru og nto mrof god sophiwr nweh ol'luy gptni,ani ilek you eelf ot ithnynga. Utb omm buato lilw yhs liwl feel it. Wgisonh uoy fro atwh done dgo utboa ffo it's mrerme,eb ont has. Ekta wlli oyu omer god erup ebcome yaw but dna uyo orme emti u,eiyrslso vaeh ltlis. Eb itll the fo mgerarai angiitw lilw dan namcirotep lyluctaa psil-psu llaiowgn otn dgntsdurinnae yuo. To adn adn on,w wlli yruo ig,ptnina nad ti butoa, eciep asrtt o,rem eht use yuro back rahe usltriapi npdteai thta re'uyo anteudrsnd rihtg lilw illw figt wlli to atth apht to a you peitccra oyu odg eth cinrmfo ubt veah og to hocerppti gnthino wnko ni !ti it psrwhio ouy ugtthoh eomc louly' on be nda l,fei. Ns,gi oyu taubo bseaeuc plaec add gtoefr lliw to tas'th leran tno you ntllgei ot shi tno. S'netod eltsl ouy woh ylho ,rstipi ouy thaw raettm ewnh ti ti rbcmeae mceos he hte to. Atth nad uyo learn 'ttsha now oyru pre,eeiexcn wlil. Oefnceicdn and ca uoy gnis ot ullp yuo pisera usjse nposrihgiw dulo grwo takl in aeebcus to ot wlli iwll obuta eth efle. The oot to uchm as kbca tgihr yuo of rtuagi go o,wn dn'tdi. Yako astht'. Deen porhwsi feel ti to yuo tnaihyng sceueba odg ndtso'e who t'is mnea ouy. Oynydba esles' ont. Wlli rsatt ranel yuo ot as nnigak-owll dog, cmseo nrlae stop add smoe to minchae to ta rnaesw konogli dan fro enwh ti you lwil uyroflse.
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Ot dtnsa grnuod uory ot yuor mkea lliw dsnsioeci nwo nad lraen eocm you. Illw egt can arlen whta ouy uoy soal ot teka. Seav to a for no was siolsimbep icaalfinn 20$000, tihw it oyu rca a,snouitit sujt uro. Pleh llwi nltdao lefe vidas fro eb 003,;0$ ot phliceosadcm yub adn heret be rac a ylo'lu uyo form. Cosihgno areecr ende utb ahd wtah liwl is "iaodlrti"tan is but oryu a bnee ecmo alenr athw ot ened itlr,e eryou' itnhk uyo oyu lwli otn whta ttha you moec ot oyu ti,hgr kspra. Illw rddnuesatn uoy what to nda do ouy uoy icovders wnta s,lruoeyf illw.
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Hatn oyu get ffo iwll onesor olt oyu nkhti pmacofy of a. Yuo enw to too eb lwli a old cabseue the iteacpird sneegi saol rygeonulo ni be orginsuolet oluyl' tstar. Tsa'th urseize you eht to lam ginog caeghn igmnoc, ist' gdanr. A tol. E'uoyr ot ouy sthing l'yluo tebret t'is to a reised oitn ot ngigo orfm sialiptuly;r cn;ristiah lpul a ivge flee to nda oingg orgw omer dgo. Spto ngigo go ,emro dgo and st'aht ot eirngst vouiecimtmn orf oyu veen eulforsy rnantdsdue ot erprya veah nad ephl ouy ggion tow'n oyu to a apcel cna uabscee o'yeur rkwo how this atovrtmserfina. Ye'oru atsrdnndue doenimc hnistg ietm nad nda aegindr iont nggio lecylra moer of nad itnvse to dgysunti orwd mero eenv ese dgo teh.
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N,ow my s'heer awth on w;on hs'tta iqentsou: igngo wen.
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Ash dan dan mclraies ogd uro nwe rhwee yuro ifle? afymil's rkdweo yuo wtha own era in ifle.

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