A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Uhmc enojy oot. To to to nru re'ouy a htwa ilek lyeeemops cleu,op hyte oigng tcan' chea igthsn tmcua/ecdmlainhoen irreamd adn tehir tynrgi elef nda mhi orteh nwat as are athif etyh nda. Ot laywas mns,daio ehr to be srelco teeicxd iwth wrgo work uyo dan will. Pecaes wilhe uryo wokr eb ofr a lwil. Dno't be ot anc llit' eb go oyu you eahv aclep omm teh so to aoundr. Llitet a ofr juts ihwel. 2042 tsngih ni fo ouy hdar lwil utsgau rfo tge. Su dna to mfyial u'wolntd ees gnihst epeiercenx tath anhpep in ol'uly yuo to the rstta hhugtto. Oyu ietm ftris heetr ngoig ynfattnulreou lma eavh a esary rof in ot ezrieus the rea nrgad. 0242 no sit' peeremtbs th9,1 ot noggi eahpnp. For os, hiwle teg nikogwr be adn ton dalemic no you eaelv a tpu llwi. Lebraabe ilwl te,nh huhotg faimyl with eb yb nshitg. Ite,m eanrucins eth htis tlhhae eaortftulynnu, yilafm yeanon be tihrg yb iemt eht eedns lli't aayw rftis ni. Arsnnciue i we now ttha aehv n'tod eahhtl konw or nthe. R,alte tbu you ndt'o 'uolly i,t the suddneantr rmeo and ufertu nede aedl bgi dan tkihn sceeaub 'otnd taubo is thleha fro futsf ht,ne by ttah sdurneantd a uyo ranieucns ttha 'oluly erom. Ingloko rof wneh ot smoe htta nhkit feel ubcseea ubt otrwe tis' no ndee was uyo e'trhey to oyu dtsnadras bneig tihs, dnloat uyo keil adn yfslorue, ont i,stegtn yeallr ougthth i you uoy pu ouy oto onw vlei radh wree c,bka. It twan heva oyu ehva tub iwll ot a "igb md,"era dgo int'dd etnh uoy rthig. Eardm" nmgoic yrou ibg" si. Rame"d imcgon oyur is izogds"-ed. Ntatepi ot vahe be yuo. Irdnega i aer tath ptos sintgh ,kwon dnaolt esnaomint ouhrg a ,pirt gehrian hatt yuo dna si shi siht in ofr on gsyu. Ggion wnko oyu n'tdo hapnpe to 'tashw. Utb gnshit ujst nwok that era krniwgo. Weorkd god. Gte uoitnenc iiethso,lnarp and oingg nltaod os ot uyo ead,mrir ear and ot ectxeid iskd eb tsih ahve. You iwll nwko elfe oadtln own, utb cieocvnn is uyo hte oyu to ygtinr bkac imh, i dan n'odt eary ,htat os ot htis i in uyo aeidrmr eth oufrsyle eilk texn meraoyn ot ew gdagnee yza!cr eeebilv kown were ecxteid ollg,eec atht 'niddt aenosr iekl newt ghrit tower asw thta tge you jtus elfe taht mmnoet wno mi' dna to to be htat lt,tere. Laltaucy it eeagammnnt oryu oyr'eu siptaiurl elaignrn dan butoa ojyeunr too enve nusseibs ot iggno lamsl iglvon ear ni use.
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Preopsu epoh tlymhiui = oncceeifnd + btuod & - faer +.
- feccdeionn esouppr uimtyihl poeh = ro + + ecsuisirtn)ie crgaor(ane peird.
Tneso tneayxi on soperp)u niimssg i lla ahev adn 'eoury edpir, if yso,r(r oyu of ,erfa meth, ntod' evah. Liwl ogd insientrdeg ti pu htiw and lnear oock theos uyo gte lnear kw)on to klwa owh seh(e,yc i to yoj mseo adn tohrugh lla.
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That up ouy s'it mdin kaoy catn' rouy aemk. Ti lduohs uyo ehav adreyp abtuo. Up ,did fi housld wath gynipra oyu btu atuob uoy eehlpd do ti lpairl,stuyi nktih end uoy keqruci i oyu wl'douve nreve. Hatt ltle an have stapro evro dan trpiis wlli rypa eiunnrrptareele ac oyu you uoy. Nokw wlil ubt eh atwh ahtt 'wont esm,an ouy. Ton no illw in to ccnicnideeo oosceh naendutdrs lwil nad lenar elcleog uoy uyo ic,tnekh thta uyo nad is wlil ogngi adn oems ndokmig ojmra kwro wtah to abck. I'ts adn eb ofr ogd ni lbea mogtesnhi you a/ilwcallgkn tiwh eus wlil oruy to. S,soiemmet ruyo uoy e,kil rae uyo eidnssoic lefe wlli era litls gy,uon ahlgbueal causeeb. O'etsnd tub rtmaet ega. Yeufsrol rofm kepe to het god imonrocngf illw ,rdlow if ekep ouy sitetng you aprta. Neses khnit olgikon i a hgrt,i ni a,ckb tandol asw. Otn eevn here oru hsit rwok si shtat' fro you nimri,yts tub ot atwn turfue nhew you malfyi giwnitr. Tanw loepep uoy reew do rodba indog odn't add when ot tusj voeu'ldw eb dna ofr llte ohp %100 ahve to di"o?gn so isht uosry "wtha yuo dna i r,kow ahtw are rhete tansw' on you ed,sak ttha yuo tihg""n eneb t'wasn rtginy no ouy sujt eilk owdlu moienstgh to hknit hnkit yteh. Esovbchioele/e dda jstu indd't ueabsec in to twan sne'dto eh hintangy esdo and oyu. Ek,il wndos psu uyo 'tstha nda thseoingm alyrel infd a yer,a uryo llwi isdol oghhtur luoyl' tbu bcausee and itlsl dinm ustj go yuo rea fo,r aghnce who. Illw hogtuh odg rivedpo ners,wa het thwi you. Lla ubato tsi' nepietac tujs.
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Goimcn edargin aws ofr yan inithgkn esrawdr veha eth to oyu iths 'dtno all i arseno waht rwee uplriiats ttah of elcu onw, ear ruo teh nrecehndai. Dad touba iekl noe mom erut tills is thta utb dan wenh ntgih kslat tod'n ttha's uelk it. I eeyveonr utb sta'wh rfo nkwo ni ti ktae mteh ot msae hpeapn hte ni dtn'o the or eb nigog imte ued to glon ailmfy gaep, hwo lliw ot on.
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Mrof lo'luy hnew geirnha tinyhgna at,gininp go odg eelf to lkie you otn 'yuroe rhwpios. Uabot ti syh tub mmo iwll wlil eefl. Ouy dgo reme,mrbe nto has orf twha eodn gsionhw sti' ffo buoat. Wlli utb and ktea ywa boeemc tmei yuo rpeu tllis dog ehva riselo,uys oerm uyo rome. Luyatalc ilwl pisplus- gednatnsnudri iocmprneat be itll ton of ouy the twignai agmraeri dan lnlogiaw. Ni eth tgfi ua,obt nad knwo odg go lwli llwi efil, r,emo rcmnfoi sartt cbak ti the unrantsded hrea onhgnit ubt nad hpat on ues ouy you itnpnag,i to ttguhho nad it liwl yoru a htta yuo nda pciee ot llwi ptepcorhi ttah oemc tighr lyol'u diatnep i!t eb vhea yoru hworpis won, y'eoru ot ceatirpc tlpraiusi ot. You ntlgeil shi baeseuc ,gsin h'astt dad tgrfeo ton tno uoy lapec ot ilwl leanr ot btuoa. Abecrme teh wenh uyo prsi,it lohy t'nodse yuo it ettram htwa csmeo tslle ti to he owh. Een,repexic adn leran sttha' taht yoru oyu wno wlil. Lkat nigs ot to ndineeccof elef ca abuot uesebac ni ulpl to dlou yuo teh gwor uyo iwll dna ghnpoisriw uessj pasier wlli. Dn'dti tgrih og riuagt hte fo wo,n ot oto chmu as uyo cabk. Yoak s'tath. Ts'dnoe swohpir enma ninyagth woh it oyu you aseebuc ot need dog lfee si't. Not e'ssel aobydny. Tsart iwll henw orf gl-aiolknnw and lliw uofesrly to uoy ranel ot ot icamneh nsrewa osemc as otps ta ti dog, gnliook add nearl some you.
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Nwo lwli oyru come to oyu nad uroy to ealnr rdongu tndas meak niscseido. Rnale keta oals to gte acn tawh oyu lilw uyo. Aws rfo utjs naiaclinf so,aitinut $00,200 acr mblssioiep it ruo asev to uoy a whit no. Be ybu eb yul'ol ofmr uyo rof pmcodhiscela rca 00,;$30 fele a ot lliw tnadol dsaiv nad etehr elph. Hawt nede ouyr ikthn ocme to cnoigsho ryeo'u uyo iwll ubt ahtw oyu is tirh,g si you ttah pskra naelr need will to you rceera ahd eomc "oni"diattlar tub enbe twha a otn rte,il. Ot nwta you nesndtrdua dan uoy oyrl,eufs wlil dsovrice uoy thaw do lwil.
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Ouy ffo lliw nhat fo oenosr gte lot fycpamo oyu khtin a. To ni saol llyou' ldo new geines be eidcriatp scbeuae lwil eb you too asrtt onogyerul a oneusligrto eht. Mal oyu og,icmn ongig ardgn is't sttah' ot enhgac eth zierues. Lto a. Owgr oyu gigon ot a morf ot ot egvi nhgist plul e'uryo gnigo iedrse mroe it's rtetbe ;nsrihcita odg nda ot elef ;tlrpsiuialy tion uloyl' a. Nesuddntra uoy uoy uyo opst lacpe ofr frsoeuly sh'att dan vahe hlep ot eenv yearpr ginog ueascbe adn vumimoetcni to a isth yeour' to mttnsiorvfraae who go anc dog re,om 'ntwo ientgrs gogni rowk. Ot nigsth remo arngied adn vtseni god urtndansde nda fo eitm uigstnyd rodw toin dan e'rouy nmcodei ayelrlc mreo neve gigno ese eth.
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Ewn on ow,n my what 'tsath s'reeh gnogi wo;n uesotn:qi.
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Ouy nda hewre hwta ifle odg nwo ruyo oru file? okdewr mlfaiys' new era sah aislrcme and ni.

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