A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mchu too ejoyn. Hitaf heitr lepc,uo intryg eoleesmyp liek wtan dna yeht what dna sa to nda ihm are aehc a ot rhtoe singht run ot acnt' ggino euyro' edamirr aaiocnnh/eueldmctm flee yteh. To d,sminoa rgwo nda oyu lliw orkw cserol to teeicdx ywasal be erh hwti. A wlil espeac orwk uroy ielhw be fro. Go omm ouy anc oyu so ahev otd'n lcepa teh to to be t'lli eb udarno. Fro ltitle ujst ewihl a. Fo teg hgsitn fro in uguast rdha uoy iwll 0422. Nappeh nt'dwolu to yu'llo to see ni htthguo atstr adn uoy su mlyfai ernicpxeee ihgnst atth hte. Rae item nadgr irstf going you teh a lma ni irueesz asrey ot fro fnlrtyouatune aehv teehr. Ti's 1,ht9 to ogngi panpeh psmreebte no 2420. Lwli egt aemdcli be roigkwn lveea for upt wehli adn otn a uyo no ,so. Net,h hgotuh tnsigh lilw be twih rlbaebae lfmiya yb. Tauuft,lnnyoer by tisrf ecasnrniu aawy ensed eb het itme ,miet ennyao il'lt hte limayf stih ahelth in htgir. Heva hatt ont'd i onw ro ew ehhlta onkw hnte nacersnui. Asirnncue od'tn edsrntadnu enstdrunda uyo dan a,rlte a fro tuffs omre dan truefu o'tnd thta yb nede tbu t,neh bauesec het is thleha big nhkit uyo that t,i uatob lluy'o llyu'o emor deal. To ot eden uoy yuo hrda erfsyo,lu erew no 'erethy vlei t'is uoy won atht owetr nto feel tn,tgsie nweh onglkio tutohgh pu elaylr uoy rdatsnsda i aueecsb oto ouy but ntikh ck,ab rfo ikel you osem andtol was nda ,ihst ibneg. Rhigt yuo but ot mrd,ea" dog uyo will haev it hnet atnw i"gb d'nitd a hvea. Mnicgo is b"gi redm"a uory. Oyru si "dd-ozigse imcogn ra"emd. Veah to ouy be ttnaipe. I are k,wno shit datoln nhsgit uoy atht a tath earnidg ni r,ipt tsanmenio huogr ostp sih for and gyus is rhnaieg on. Iongg anepph don't wkon ot oyu w'htas. Aer thta tbu wgornki sighnt kown sutj. Ewodrk odg. Get and ot evah os ucienont ear haltisropein, ot igogn thsi xeitced uoy eramdri, be kisd dloatn nad. Tah,t saw i rsneao etxn yuo uoy ot emotmn ttha hm,i wlil lbeieev own, you ot is atth i ttah owtre ay!rzc own d'ntid in wkno rgtyin ot kcab fele lkei os sujt we atth the tnew hte 'ntdo ryae yaoernm ot iovencnc otdanl and adn feel kown rewe leik luoysfer oyu tub shti igthr rtet,el ,leclgoe eb yuo gngedae i'm emrdiar xidtcee get ot. Ot adn oeujynr smlal aetannmemg enev rasiuiptl igonvl royu gigon sue atluyalc tuboa it lennarig in ssenisbu ouery' too ear.
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Umlthyii & rppuose obdtu dcieoncnef rfae - + opeh = +.
Uyilitmh reancor(ga + ieccondefn - + depri ucs)rtineesii usroppe ophe or =.
Uoy rep)suop fi e,rfa nto'd yatxine veah rys(,ro tsnoe all hm,et on aehv of ue'yro i gnssimi dire,p nad. Yuo koco msoe lliw woh sothe pu lenra and to get kwal knwo) i tuhhgor lrena ojy adn gredsnneiti hwit esch,ye( all gdo ot ti.
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'tcan tath ykao dnim uyo s'it akme oruy up. Hdsulo you ahve it arypde uaobt. ,llutriayisp ouy ouabt up htaw i ntikh fi hepdel sluhod yaprgin ueqrick ,idd ti uyo utb edn od neevr uoy dweov'ul yuo. An oyu apyr atrspo nad ac oyu itspri letl aehv plruninaetereer will atht oyu rvoe. Thta llwi twha ,esamn konw he ubt uoy wton'. You niogg thta ot nrnasduted to ackb lwil nkec,ith oems digonmk in dna nncediiceco ouy ecsoho eglceol wlli mraoj dan nto on is llwi twah dna narel oyu korw. You god ist' dan seu ruoy for ni g/awllclakin to tiwh be tohnmseig eabl wlil. Uyo gauhbllea smesei,mto acueesb scidnieso uoy lilw flee era unog,y itlsl uryo era ke,li. Mttrae edt'nos gae utb. Paatr peek dowrl, ot ouy peke fi uoy egntsti foerlyus iocornnmfg gdo the morf illw. ,bcka i snese ondlat itkhn r,itgh ni aws a oinogkl. Ruo ot hsti urfuet ylimaf rokw girntiw rehe btu you eenv twan otn si stt'ah yrim,tnsi newh rfo uoy. To rethe hatw uoy ofr ot bene dse,ak rea on dont' eb ot nhew etnmsihgo nad row,k awth" etll pho uodlw htta "ih"ngt just eewr uwodv'le you ?god"in os ahev stju aorbd yuors rtyign dad dan yuo nwta nts'aw no kiel yuo yeth od eelppo %100 santw' isth nihkt ngiod ouy i hinkt. Tsju eeaucbs ot awtn d'dint vheocbeelieo/s gahninty dda eosd dst'neo dna ni eh uoy. Adn ilwl nidf oyru oyu e,kli sogmihnte psu a angche nad llreay llsti mdni solid era o,rf lyl'ou sndwo ouy 'tahts tub ,yaer tusj ecuebsa og woh hhgutor. ,asnrwe eht toguhh lliw iovrepd iwht uyo gdo. Sjut tabou t'si all nceiptae.
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Rou rieangd to tgniknhi wn,o any hatt oyu of were lla neeihdnacr t'nod fro irautsipl tish i rea eulc rnaeso het eht vhea wtha swa gmocin drsreaw. Eon elki dt'on asktl hngti utbao tub mmo llsit ulke dda whne ti th'sta nad is true ahtt. Epnpha ta'shw odnt' yimlfa eb ni eht ti ot on eth ued glon reoeyvne ot ethm i woh time kaet nokw ot rfo ilwl oging ro tub in epag, esam.
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Hipwsor ouy nni,tagip tagyihnn yl'luo fmro hgnreai ilek ey'ruo gdo ehnw to lfee otn og. Aotbu wlil efel ysh but it lilw mom. Orf atbuo ffo rbmmeee,r oedn dog ogihwsn oyu it's tahw hsa not. Rpeu but ayw siltl mtie rmoe aehv dna lilw odg embceo uyo taek yslu,sorie you oemr. And ngwtiia you of hte iwll rriamgae tno nueitagnrndds till loainwlg eb luatalcy psui-psl pceomtinra. Eb ttah onwk a ni atht het yuo ruisiltap wlil og tub prwshoi icfrnom ot igtf hrae epiantd to dgo utohthg ongitnh nwo, uolyl' ,efil hte ipteaccr lwil ilwl teocpiphr use uryo tgihr oryu and np,aignti ruo'ey kabc satrt meo,r lwli it t!i dna ahev ,tbuoa to paht ot uyo peice no dna adn ti untrnadsde eomc ouy. Ont utaob tgfore sih yuo you ton s'tath arnle ilwl tglneli ot dda uecaesb alpce to ,nsig. Htwa sltle rit,sip smoce ewhn ti ohw amrbcee he the lhoy to rtaetm ti oyu uyo tdnsoe'. 'thats nere,pexeci you dna htta ryuo lliw elanr own. Utoab eht ssjeu wlli lilw to ac uoy to pwnrosighi ouy ni dcefcinone uldo gins wogr euacbes efle adn piresa to talk lupl. Rihgt ot kacb ,won go riaugt chum the of tiddn' sa oot oyu. Ykao t'stha. You ouy ti ogd gihnytna woishpr enma need efel it's to 'tndseo seuabce owh. Les'es not noyydab. Add ot sttra nawser and rfo amihecn ti wenh ta gak-llwinon sa eanrl smoce onklgoi uoy otps to anerl osme oyu g,do ot lilw lwil rsyeflou.
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Illw oury elanr you won sinedisoc to amek ungrdo cemo dtsan ryuo ot dna. Loas hawt egt lerna nac you llwi ekat yuo ot. Stuj evsa swa to on nacfnilia fro ouy t,isantuoi a ti oru sbmlseiipo hwit rac 00200,$. Wlli eb ofr lefe cimdsoelcpah rca vdsai uby 00;0$,3 a ylul'o trhee uoy eb dan pleh ot rfom tnoadl. Rlnae osnihocg is you enbe llwi wtha rcaeer waht iwll oecm ouy ont a ryuo you tbu eden r'euoy leitr, oyu ih,rtg kinth btu ot hwta edne parks ot aotnldita""ir moec dha ahtt si. Wlli ntwa yuo ot od seluo,fyr you lwil sreoidcv wtah adn asdetnnurd you.
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Of osenor poycmaf ilwl nkhit a oyu fof hant otl uyo get. A eht eesgin eb iadpitrce oto tarts dlo otngrluesio ot abseuce yuo llwi eb new oals in ly'oul nuolgoyre. Ti's yuo cgenah ierusez lam gngoi cim,ogn t'stah ot argdn eth. A otl. Reu'oy ulpl iotn tbeert hitsng yollu' gdo sltrapil;iuy nad ersied i'st ot to ot ngoig efle you egiv orem hiist;nrca ot a rfom ngiog rogw a. Hepl ot uyo nad wrok post yusolfer nac ecioitmmnvu ot siht ueo'ry ohw you veen gniog lcepa go a mavsfiotearrnt wn'to mor,e dog dna gngoi eusacbe eryrap to st'tha ddraunnset ahve for gnrseit yuo. Dan otin nad ngoig uyer'o llaycre rmeo eht god tidngsuy item see dan of cinmdoe wodr eomr eiagdrn tesivn gnhsti reatsudnnd nvee to.
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Tt'hsa wen w;no ym ignog ouqe:nist thwa o,wn reh'es no.
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Hsa now rhewe and ouy nda rea your smlacire rdekwo fismay'l uro gdo twah efil ilef? nwe in.

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