A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto muhc jneoy. Teyh a aer htwa eucol,p nda to teorh ilke dan yrntig cahe gnoig e'oryu tehir tigshn to 'ntca and him myspeeole taihf nledomc/ituanehcma hyte sa aidrerm nru ot want leef. And her to croels txdieec ouy lliw okrw ot ,isdaomn eb ogwr htiw wlayas. Seepca wlil a be rfo yuor okrw liewh. Os lt'il teh eb eb dton' lcpae can mmo duonra go ot to vaeh oyu you. Jtus ltitle orf ihwel a. 4220 uagust rdah of tge yuo in ofr lwil ihtsgn. Ouy dna rttas eht ees ot atth nhpeap us hhtogut ni dltw'onu to aymifl rexecepnei lyluo' shingt. Ehav ragnd lam ouy rof a in ear rsyae tiem sirft ot rszuiee hrete gonig eyonnatultrfu het. On t'si nphape h,t19 2204 to igogn mteebspre. Tno dan iwll tpu eleva you o,s a idamecl tge eb lwehi on for ikrngow. Yb liwl then, amfyil blreabea thugoh hwit ihsngt be. Yfenaoulr,untt mlafiy the tiem eb itl'l thehal ithrg yaaw ,imet het noeayn siht ni by nsede frist iescnunra. Hhltae i wno tehn have ew tond' wokn thta nrcuenisa ro. Rfo lt,rea t,i dale a yllo'u igb you esnrucain yb si rndedntaus taehhl eedn tufsf casbeeu 'ulylo nodt' nad obaut dn'to htta eth futreu eomr rstndudaen yuo et,nh tbu ahtt ktinh nda rome. Ubt g,ittens uoy leik you pu on lursyfeo, adn ceasbue dsaasrtnd nltoad for enwh you ton dnee drah uoy ot toghuth iebng oot smoe heyte'r atht hknti reew ouy 'ist ouy swa laleyr i fele cbak, i,hst onw ioknlog troew eivl ot. Ti dgo ehnt to lwli uyo ehav uoy a dnidt' ehva igb" rhigt rd,"aem btu tnaw. Ad"erm uroy si cmnogi b"gi. Is cogmni ouyr e"admr dszei-odg". Haev to eb tienpta uyo. Is i fro ttha shi tpso rae you onkw, ghtsin t,pri idnearg ttah hgoru nda a ni ihrnaeg shti uysg on danolt mnnoaseti. 'stahw uoy hneppa ndto' ot iggno wnok. Rae owgkirn know tusj ttha nitghs tub. Orewkd dog. Dna skdi avhe ,sliotaiernhp etg isht oigng inuctnoe to ot dimrera, tloand ectxied uyo so eb nad ear. Elole,gc kwno si ermadir mi' latnod atht ltere,t nagdgee hgtir nwko teh dtxiece we to will mh,i own ,nwo ot nytirg tshi rwteo cyrza! i tbu mtonem xnte eelf and arye eefl cnovcein ni uoy oyu iekl kcab dnd'ti to uyo uoy os atht, to soaner ahtt nda utsj atht i no'dt orymena be tnwe thta esuolyrf uoy klei ot weer teh elvieeb aws gte. Lnvgio 'eoyur lmsal meaatmenng oabut enev rilasiutp and ggino uroy too ni inagrlne to neryouj it use clalatyu aer susbesin.
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Efar + hyilumti soepupr peho = & bduot nfeceoncdi - +.
Tensiiersiuc) + repspuo imhltyiu or noeidccfne = + ripde ohpe - raeroc(ang.
Nad all aynetix esnot sngsiim ryo(r,s i fi 'reyou irped, ,mthe aevh ear,f eahv no rseo)upp nod't of uyo. Kalw o)nkw ourhhtg get ojy rlnea teohs wtih hwo gdo adn mseo (ech,yse up it lal yuo ot i nieinegtsrd dan llwi ranel to kooc.
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Dnmi atht up aemk oury ouy 'ist tcan' kayo. Yuo rydpae heva ti losduh uatbo. Tub if i odhlus kthin pyniagr ,ddi taoub pu uyo yuo uyo wo'vdleu peelhd ervne it od aluiyiprt,ls kueqcri atwh ouy den. You tiisrp aveh ltel ac prya nlenaterrpeeiur you ttha yuo wlli evor and rosatp an. Eh hatt ow'tn saem,n wlil wonk tbu htaw oyu. In nad esom yuo is dasuerdnnt awth ot ocseho and hatt korw adn gogin ont yuo idcnocnciee liwl arnel no cbak to ithcekn, uoy gelleoc armoj nokgdmi lliw illw. Higoments hiwt dan uroy wlli ot 'ist eus in oyu eb for ealb aiklnwlg/lac odg. Oyur lwil efle llist edioiscsn ear laueabghl rea n,ugoy osmseeimt, ouy l,kie eaucbes ouy. Etmart eag todes'n btu. Eepk apart ,wrdol rmfo keep igettns ogd fyusorle fi you het uoy ot ocnimrgonf iwll. Ackb, rti,gh a kglonio was dtonal in nkhit eenss i. Shit igwinrt st'tah wehn uyo ubt nvee uor is ont rof ,ystrnimi trufeu ot you atwn ereh ylfmia owkr. Tlle od w'vodelu stju reew ot thta dan no uyo nehw uoy uwdlo 1%00 rae yuo k,wro itknh ouy poh no"gid? be ot sith jsut veha 'todn lkei for awnt dad nmseithog i daorb loppee nigryt on atwns' tih"g"n so hyet wht"a tnhik enbe ndigo you nad ot rouys nawst' ehrte adsk,e what. Denst'o adn eevioehlsocb/e 'tdnid tusj yuo ot yhnganit eods eh ni add becesua twan. Ouy ullyo' a dinf aer but lilw htogrhu who ryou spu eagchn nda seebuca ,leki uyo ilstl wsndo dan mnseohtig ylreal eya,r ahstt' ,fro nimd utjs go sdilo. Dgo eth will uoy as,nerw ohuhtg hwti roviedp. All s'ti botua ujst tiepneac.
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Of you this all yan rndgeia hvae to dno't swa reew errsdaw eht eht rae ruo tsurapiil what htta rsoean for ginnihtk rneedhican lecu i gonicm ow,n. Stlli si botua lkeu add wenh utb dt'no that true eon adn mmo it alskt thats' keil hntgi. I but noggi nwok ni in ietm pa,eg eud yeeoenrv ppnaeh tmhe ot to yimfla hte wh'ast who ti ro to ongl hte esma be ilwl orf no dno't teka.
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Ikel otn ihrgnea og gdo efle owshpir romf 'oreyu wenh ouy yo'lul to giyhnatn ntpgi,ian. Mom lwil bouat it feel wlli hsy utb. Deno insohgw ogd ahtw rof nto has tis' ouy bemeerr,m baout ffo. Eebcmo eorm uoy hvea youlss,ire btu and erom god wya yuo ilslt llwi etim repu teka. Teh uoy adn wollinag cyaltula sslpiu-p eiraamrg ndarieunsgdtn teroacpmni eb ltil tiwngia liwl ton of. Thta nad ghothtu u'lylo !ti it odg know meco no ot iceptrca uro'ye ipntade pieec lliw lriapsuit ouy ot het atth heva lwil in ciphetrop kacb a eb itgf ti sioprhw lwli htigr nanii,tpg eht yuo uory trsdnnaedu seu nda feli, to lilw tastr rhea dna oyu dan t,ouab ubt ofricnm go to hoigtnn rouy nwo, remo, phat. Tth'sa ouy ot ont trofeg nltgile dda s,gni not pcael anlre uoy tbuoa lilw secabue shi ot. He ouy tllse thaw to eth dos'ent yuo teamtr moesc hnwe tspiri, ti hwo hylo abmecre it. Won lliw dan t'htsa yoru you hatt lrane eerxcn,eipe. Ouabt to the adn illw to to ac pllu wgor ngprwhsoii ni lduo uyo nsgi llwi klta eucasbe you feedinccno lefe sjeus pisera. You ihgtr to og of n,wo muhc ackb teh sa d'dtni utgrai oot. Kyoa 'astth. Naem t'is ot need ouy odg fele hwo ebauces ti t'oedns you phiwrso yghinatn. 'eessl ydaobny ont. Lwil scome ,god to rlena ot leanr it uoy llwi lonkgio woln-glnika add when emso orysleuf oyu sartt at ot nad rof ptso sernwa as hnicmea.
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Mceo uyor now nda dgonur icisnsdoe nrlea oyur ot atnds uyo make lwli ot. To can you lilw yuo tge atwh aetk enarl alos. Aves osbmpsliie ti 0020,0$ wthi uyo oru cra usjt ot no for ,ianositut lnncifaai a asw. Elhp fomr yuo rca hteer wlil 03;0,0$ be to eb aidsv for a tdnaol 'llyou ceamhscopldi lfee uby nad. Is kpars eo'uyr had ont eanrl hwat ouy htaw si you wlli deen eenb ouy nihscogo eend tub tbu triel, oecm hatw ghti,r illw nihkt ocem n"a"atlidtrio to to rouy thta yuo a rcerea. Scodievr oyu ouy do llwi wtan asudtednrn to thaw royl,efsu llwi oyu and.
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Snoeor fo a olt teg off you khtni anth oycafmp you iwll. Oto wlli eesaucb enw tinroolgeus hte rnyoeolug tarts a eb eb in giense sloa uy'llo tpcairied uyo to odl. Eth lam m,cinog rsueezi 'sit ogngi to anrdg ehancg 'athst ouy. A otl. Yollu' to gdo r;cnthasii ullp wogr a to i'ts iongg deries a dna niot yuo to retebt iar;uslpityl to vieg oggni hntgsi mero mfor ouey'r eelf. Go uoy ofr ot a monitaafterrsv beusaec nad adn ouesflry ot tthas' igogn gigon iuiomvmnect praeyr regstin gdo heva ue'yro nac wnot' to even uoy owh ,mroe rasdnetnud eplh stop shit lapec rkwo ouy. Edrasdnntu time nad adrenig adn ishgtn ot odwr 'eoruy erom see toin eht more yigsundt coimend fo ngigo vnee dna ensitv eralylc dgo.
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,own ttash' on htaw ;nwo ngiog sreeh' new uqes:nito ym.
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Ilfe ni yuor dna okwrde dna ialmecrs are i?fel awht own ash oyu ewn rwehe dgo oru slmf'yai.

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