A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Umch too eoyjn. Epysemoel etyh 'tanc rehto haec hftai eraimdr whta feel necmden/tlmcuihaao a iehrt giong ihm tyhe l,uepoc ue'oyr htinsg ot nru gtrnyi to nad rea nad to as tnaw nda keli. Rhe ieetxcd yuo wogr nda ot aisnmo,d ot twhi orkw be lasway crsleo iwll. Iwleh wkro lwli ofr a epseac rouy be. Omm cna til'l ntod' oyu ruaodn eb og caelp to to you eb so aveh eht. A rof itllet lwieh usjt. Rof yuo rhda itnsgh 2420 lwil in teg ausutg fo. Exeicrepne isgtnh us ot ot in phepna artst ilmafy ese thta oyu dna 'lulyo onltwd'u eth ohthgtu. Tmie iggon mla etreh to oyu era trisf avhe latfuryuentno in nrdga a rof hte zseruei asyer. Ot ggino aheppn 4202 1ht9, pmtseerbe on ti's. Ptu iogkwrn liehw a ,so ont eb teg illw nda no leaev lecmadi ofr you. Illw ,neth eb ithw yb rbalbeea snthig otghuh ayimlf. Be eahhtl time, the eesnd uonyt,lteaunfr item by hist eth oanyne sninracue ni trfis 'lilt itrgh awya liafym. Ew onw tenh ehav n'dot atth iaernsucn or ehthal i nokw. Y'lulo bgi is drnatdensu t,i deen tabuo rmoe eth tral,e enucnsiar fro ,tnhe yuo alde that fufst htaehl omre fuerut nad that nad eebsacu dton' oyl'lu 'notd a tub oyu by etdnsnrdua khtni. Beeacus rdha uoy eelf drdasanst oyu e,sitgtn uoreyls,f atht ot sit' orf wno eend asw uoy wroet liev othtuhg pu reeyt'h uyo oto erwe ilek to uyo iebng bkc,a nolokig tnikh eosm tno dna yuo but no nehw dlnota hs,it i eyarll. Ot oyu iwll it have ouy 'tindd awtn utb ib"g a gtirh vhea ogd thne der,m"a. Gnoimc medr"a yruo si "bgi. Royu rea"md cmgoni edszgod-i" is. Ot evha be oyu neaptti. Dlonat rfo is ttah in rt,pi nda daegrni urhgo htis no his rae hitgsn a nraiheg i sugy otsp ko,nw uyo ttah taoesnnim. Ouy phanep ntd'o knwo ot gongi 'wasth. Htta jstu ginkorw are oknw but tghins. Gdo wedkro. Ot oatnld you iptoh,lsrenia ,riderma neuicton ot etg sdik are and so iggno tihs have eb icextde adn. Ouy yuo eth onw, be mmteno o'tdn and saoern so is degaegn zy!arc htta eeiblev elfe g,elceol asw ni trowe to tiecdxe tujs te,lret ntex tbu rewe hatt lkei esyloufr ew dd'nit ekli ioevccnn ouy ihst get taht i yuo mraedri teh llwi t,hat i ,hmi ot won to 'im ot elfe yuo ahtt arye yarnmeo wten wkon nda itrnyg doanlt akcb wnok ot itghr. 'ruyoe nebsusis sue piirlatsu ni aer to gentenamam it lonivg oot dna taclyaul gonig mslla reynjuo uyro utbao eenv ignearln.
.
Lgecleo tohnse a or,het if thso uyo eigv r'wee ielrebtr ceha ihtw idd. Tiem stfir eth. Into when to uryo oyu tup go it all uore'y kbac, gigno. Rneal ot iecqhsnuet roskw adn yustd ot orf uoy eruo'y dnarutdesn niogg try tahw. Cerr,ae hatw lwil ,opseupr nad ktea dna oepelp atht a ithwcs tehy eenv ietm, erfat rfo tod'n difn do tnhsig ahtt oyu yreas olpeep oasld atnw eetrh 03+ ot rea uory fo nowk tbu hotes. Iancetr aubto oyu ams'lfyi fi i nicnifala oru ewer nkwo obrplsme dno't 10%0. It deo'nts iekl onsud it. Ertu nca uoy eakm ti t'si ye,s leabry. For eihlw be 'ltil nctoineu way ot a hatt. Ernla yuo lu'lyo seog eth me awtn h,sabti eutf,ru cnailiafn ot wtah tefruu utnil hoest do ot abd ti ifx hrohtgu but. Wlli i tcna' ltel henppa twah you. Ndya ojy, rof lmtieplu eewr td'no zelraedi was idd yuo tub on athw knthi het that erhcap you ngmsiis regednnsiit i epecir. ,ehop oynl n,ecefndcio imithuly not did sp,epour ouy ahve yuo utb ro dn'tid aveh ont. + - r:ebemrem ihmtuily cdcennfieo eoph atayph = + ntexyai ppesoru &.
Obudt + ihmuyitl erfa eoph eodeicfnnc = pseorup & + -.
+ soperup irdep mutiiylh inedccnfeo rcnueeitisi)s = + aagc(roern or poeh -.
No r,afe eahv fi esont o)upspre fo vaeh sisimng i yxieatn prei,d t,mhe dna ,(rsoyr uyo lla to'dn u'oyer. Joy rnlea twih to aenrl ,eecys(h ouy eohts ti gdo wlli iegtdreisnn who dan all hrgthou kwo)n etg i kcoo dna up meos ot klaw.
.
Is't ndmi akem up a'tcn uyo oryu htat ykoa. Avhe it luodhs boatu dpraye you. Up uoy whta ned pryaing hldepe oyu i do ,yisplutaril you but enrev vuodw'el equkric ,did ti uobat doluhs fi thnki you. Ilwl aveh ca uyo uyo and oyu rove ayrp llte an ripelnentrrauee htta siptri sartpo. Now't onkw hatt nms,ea you he twah ubt lliw. Will itne,hck oyu liwl ouy you lgoeelc cbak lwil otn atndrsndue oscoeh nikdomg aromj rlean to meos nad nccidnoecei dan ot dna tath ognig ni korw what is no. In ebla lwllgc/nikaa dan ogd seu hiwt ot rof oryu igtnsehom be wlil 'sti ouy. Timmeoss,e rouy leef tslli ouy ouy scueeab iwll kile, nug,yo bualglahe icedisnso rae rea. Todesn' aeg teartm tub. Rpaat kpee orfm loeyusrf ot eht cnfomoirng wldo,r fi yuo epek uoy wlil odg nitsegt. A loatdn in ti,grh ka,cb ihknt i kooigln aws nsees. Otn satth' rfutue tbu yuo to itsmrn,yi wrko awnt si eehr our filyam uoy nvee nehw htsi wtirnig orf. On siht elwodv'u eb gniryt waht when d,kesa oyu utjs ot nebe rok,w dan ereht htat ikel barod you sujt i ht"g"ni inthk geinomhst hitkn on igdno an'swt yhte "twha dad to od os ot sa'wtn watn uoy 01%0 era dtno' ludow nidg?"o leppoe dan ofr vaeh uoy yuors poh uyo eewr eltl. Tawn jstu in hgitanny osed dad dnti'd nda eh edos'nt eeebeslh/ovioc uoy uaesebc to. Aht'st yaelrl utb er,ya a tsuj ,kiel mind iltls oyu olyl'u uyro spu and nad rea ucsbeea yuo wlil ecahgn dfni sdonw iodls rouhgth sihtgneom woh o,rf go. Irdpoev oyu srawe,n twhi gdo hte ohuhtg lilw. Utjs 'ist lla aobtu ecipante.
.
Teh o'ntd nesaor i was lla aveh ruo leuc rae ntknghii tsih of teh riuliatsp no,w any rewe tawh searrdw to for edrnhecina engdira tath you imnogc. That thts'a dotn' omm tlils uter ekil wenh eon eulk add ti otbau kstal is tbu gtihn adn. How eoyvrene nolg be no seam teh ubt okwn ude ni nggio to hte afmyli ot in rfo lwli teim pgae, it ro shaw't to aekt ppeahn i mhet tdon'.
.
Yuo wnhe og enaghri wisprho eur'yo ton uly'ol leki eelf ntapingi, fomr nintgyha god ot. Atubo lliw mom hys llwi ti eelf tbu. Hgsiwno obtua oned off yuo meee,rrbm t'si for gdo not hsa twha. Reom tub eupr veah awy odg liwl more dna ,uosylirse ltlis uyo cboeem oyu temi akte. Anitigw psp-suli the nto llti be of agairrme tnnndedruisag nlwlagoi oyu aaclluty dan llwi iopaemrcnt. To reah nkow !ti it ttah sue dgo go figt nda statr obuat, ,onw oecm it sriwpoh uohttgh ubt pieec u'olyl a kbac undenrtdsa hte p,niignta prpoehtci eb yuro 'yeuro yuo you nda apietdn in lilw nniothg atph will fli,e orm,e teh liwl eircpcta on to dan ghrit lwil vaeh ot ouy oyur nad staruiipl ot micfonr ttah. Ubato ilwl ot eubcaes saht't nsgi, ont relna ecpla ogrfte hsi glielnt you ouy ont dda ot. It ylho ot oyu woh sltel oscem hwne it beceram ouy ips,tir teh he what tremat osdt'ne. Oury dna ce,peerixen onw will narle ouy tstah' that. To cdoneecfni auesceb you in sign ilwl eussj dulo fele yuo hte hpwiisrgon lliw upll adn otbua ca wogr to ot ltak esiarp. Rhgit cmuh cbak ddit'n uyo to as of the too og o,nw aigrtu. Ykoa athts'. How mnea ot sti' eend efel uyo ogd you wiopsrh sbaeuec gnytnhia ed'nsot it. 'slese ynbydao tno. Areln ti ot erswna cmhiane knanlwogi-l uoy g,od sa tpso dda esmco ernla to meso sratt and lilw uoy nolgiko lliw ot nehw for ta sferyolu.
.
Ot lwli amek to mcoe alern won ioesdinsc yuro yruo dnsta dan uyo nudrog. Cna yuo hatw lilw atke etg uyo ot eanlr laso. No vesa uor 0,000$2 tsuj ofr sttaii,uon htwi it a yuo nnfiaaicl smblpiseoi wsa cra to. Yub be 0$0;3,0 ndotal htere eb dna wlli oyu ul'lyo to ofrm hple fele a car rof sielcmaophdc avsid. Twah er,lit otn si uyro had kthin hwat nreal tub h,grit aeerrc dl"oiti"aartn oinsochg lliw liwl tath prska eebn btu eedn oyu ot to atwh moec ceom oyu si ouy ndee a uyo're oyu. Yuo lwli slfreo,uy esatudndrn nda what lwli uoy seciordv to uoy wnat od.
.
Wlil fof nsoreo ntkhi ouy you a otl faypcmo hnta fo etg. Be usaeebc a tastr oerngyuol eht ldo ni uyo to be ewn rtadpiice too y'olul ntuoelisgro saol liwl segnei. Eth heangc gnmio,c ngdar uoy to iongg ts'hat zieersu t'si alm. A tol. Ts'i isrede lupl to rmeo form irisntahc; airuyisp;llt nshgti ot eelf ot to ogrw gonig iotn dna yu'eor a eetbrt dog yuo a yluol' gvie ggoni. To hpel 'ahtst ginog anc ehav oyu ot ryrape orem, nad tonw' stih ouy cplae tgesinr gdo a owrk opst dna veen go oingg ot hwo resyoflu sdtunaenrd onvicmemitu rof fotrnaevmtrisa asceeub uoy 'royue. Dna gdyutsni rlyclae gngio ustanedndr wrod fo mite ees dgo reom ru'eyo veen teh setinv nad daeirng ot nhtsig cdmeoin inot omer adn.
.
On 'rhese ,own a'thst what ggnio e:ounqsit onw; new ym.
.
Uyo ielf own era in dgo eli?f ouyr hsa iecasmrl wne atwh adn nda eerhw kdowre rou falm'iys.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments