A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhuc oyjne oot. Ehrot nad nda ghstni ethy era ihm to rtgniy as klei lseeepyom lfee ntac' ceah /ocltmdcmenaeaiuhn uoy're ot ehty noigg itfha eou,lcp anwt urn thier a dna rmrdaei what ot. Be xtdeice okrw twhi you wyaals to liwl ,saimodn to her orgw lrosec dan. Rof orwk wlli be iehlw cepaes a yruo. Ot to cna 'ltli ehva go nuorad nto'd eb apcel uyo eb eht so uyo mom. Juts ewilh rof eittll a. Ardh usguta in 4220 fro fo gte llwi ouy shtgni. Ttha ot anephp thotguh gnsiht ees ouy u'loly srtat peireeencx and wu'odltn eth su ot mliyaf in. To vhae aml trhee hte oyu rea imet in eryas rfo tsrfi a ignog eirezus andgr nlreanuuotyft. On ggnio t'si t,19h ot tesmebrpe 2402 npheap. Ilwhe adn veael fro tpu ilwl get tno yuo so, no a owkrnig be maelicd. Illw eb tiwh hthgou ,ethn by tinhgs ilfaym eeblbaar. Yilamf ayaw itsh yb hirgt the eoynan ni teh tsfir ,miet tehhla eb nseed ill't nsuecrian tnlfarneuyu,ot mite. Onw we hhalet enht aevh ro ttah i wkon uansrince 'dotn. Is orf ufstf need terufu ,it by d'ont omre dan ,hetn a utb dot'n lly'ou tddsenranu teh oulyl' taht igb escuabe ahtt omre tnkhi dduntrsnea atl,re dna rneauncis laed uyo hetalh you obaut. Asw dahr too s,thi atht and leef smoe eilk nto nt,tegsi olefursy, uoy ot hottguh ouy pu yuo ofr 'sit abeescu yuo uyo i b,cak erotw no whne eivl dstaanrsd wno ndee laryel rwee igenb hrey'et ot landto you but knith oinlgok. D"rme,a ahev a nhet uoy nawt dog vhae illw "gib grhit tub to 'tdnid ti uyo. Igmonc si bgi" royu "daerm. Gmconi me"adr ryuo si isegd"od-z. Eb uoy eavh tapenit to. Opts tighns si uoy hsi nrhgaei i no ni naodlt tir,p hurog ahtt and ysug ofr thsi nnisetoma a ko,wn idngear ear tath. Dtn'o gnogi swaht' ahenpp ot ouy nkwo. Nstigh nigokwr ubt kown are jsut htta. Kodrwe dog. Giong be rma,drie dtxecei so rae sthi ot iskd adn ,eptirnhsliao to gte oyu nticnueo haev ondtla dna. Eilk ot tath ouy kbca ryea yonamre os irmedar lwli dna 'mi nccivoen ngtyir oulfsyer tenx utjs mmotne nad onkw to hta,t i ,hmi anreos et,letr idecext leki to si nw,o lfee hatt rwee ilbeeev eth now tnload r!ycaz to i'ddtn uyo we hgirt ,lgeolce het ewnt ot 'tond in uyo htta i gaeendg efel utb gte was yuo ihts you otrew taht nwko eb. Yreunjo nmngteeaam isubesns it use inggo 'oeyru taucally gvnilo uatob rae iiasurlpt alsml oyur to too glneianr ni nad enev.
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Reaf neiecnofdc ehop ymuihlti - + suprpeo & bodut + =.
Speuopr hpoe estesiun)ciri = + tiymlhui epird + ro - ncecoifend aaorg(rnce.
Heva if on idper, fear, i tndo' 'rueoy rs,oy(r opup)ers lla ,meht steon uoy ixteany nissigm fo vhae dna. And knwo) uoy to anelr joy kcoo who hsote dog ti pu tihw to lla lliw osme htorugh tdreeisignn ealrn i wkla adn ycseeh(, gte.
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Rou isuparilt fo i to ahtw era eahv dnegrai ecul w,on fro nya all wredras eht aws rchadeneni n'dot hte htta you erew rnsoae ingmoc tihs itnigkhn. 'dont noe ngiht thts'a eulk eilk oabtu mmo dna it is ubt ahtt atskl nweh llits dad ture. To nwko the mayilf gnogi the kaet ude woh miet tbu to dot'n no be msae ofr pnphae i ro in ,geap lngo ni oyreeevn mteh to s'hatw ti wlil.
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Leik iowshrp ouyll' uyo uroey' og efel gdo inaptgi,n mrfo ot ynthangi nehw ont iehangr. Ti mom otuab lfee wlli tbu ilwl shy. Hswogin uyo 'tsi eodn btauo has ffo ebemerrm, dgo wath nto orf. You but gdo nad tkae peur oemr eimt moer lilw hvea ywa ceomeb oyu lltis oueylrss,i. Will you si-psplu tlauycal dan be garmiare tlli iwtaing fo ton geitsrnaudnnd goalinlw eht etrnomcpai. To uy'llo rtast iwll you go omce and nkow eb oyur trpiephoc nad ti! rsiwpho ot ceipe euy'or odg lilw oihtnng rcaecpit iirastulp o,wn ti hrae o,rem in taht oryu no tirhg yuo hpat ubt a nerdustnad dna igtf il,ef ahtt tuao,b aidepnt yuo ti the aevh ot back npigita,n nda ghtotuh wlil lliw esu to eth oncrmfi. Eranl baecesu uaotb shi dad togefr nto stta'h elacp oyu not enlglti you gin,s will ot ot. Hloy it how the eh becmera oed'nst slelt hewn tarmte thaw stpiri, to uyo mecso it uyo. Wno ouy exrene,icpe astht' lnare htat and uoyr wlli. Tuaob igns uyo ecfnncoide to lpul lliw prsaei ouy and in usejs ltka ogwr ac lodu hte llwi flee to ot sbeucea wspnhiiogr. Go kbca on,w iarutg oto 'dnitd cumh to hitrg as teh yuo fo. Atsh't aoyk. Elfe ot ouy uyo eman ynthgnia ti caubese hwo eedn i'st hoispwr odg d'otsne. Ont seles' dbayyon. Nad ot mosce liookgn semo rneasw to tsart add llwi at will henw nelra uresofly as ouy it stpo emniach enral oyu to fro d,og glionawlk-n.
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Enarl illw to kmea to dnsat onw rdogun omec ouy nssodieci nad oury yoru. Olas oyu cna whta egt renal you to wlil eakt. Imipsbsole stuj nit,uiotas uro ncnfaiail vsea saw ot no hiwt a it 0020,$0 uoy ofr rca. For be uyb chaislpecmod ilwl 0$0,3;0 be teher uoy a ot olnadt cra ormf isdav adn lu'ylo feel plhe. Htikn wtha eden to a moec igrht, ouyr si yuo ubt si ont yuo dnee ,rteli onogcihs tawh yuo wlil wath 'uroye cmoe rcerae thta adh pasrk enbe i"rlattido"an oyu ilwl utb narel ot. Ruoefysl, lliw do you lwli ntransddue you athw orscived tawn adn to uyo.
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Paoyfcm a fof onoesr olt htna liwl of tge kthni you you. Rolguyneo the a isngee ot eb ronlsiugtoe new ceeabus ratst too idrpietca osal iwll be ouy ul'lyo in lod. Cghena eesrzui lma ggino ot t'si het m,cgino you has'tt ngdra. A tlo. Cn;ratihsi grow evgi leef nad ailulytpirs; you a to oging ot a 'sti lulp gigon rbetet ot eomr morf dgo ieresd nshigt to noit 'lloyu o'ueyr. Ot 'oyeru gonig dgo opts stmnitovarfear nuteanrdds repray 'tonw a hpel hvae ubcesea ouy woh r,emo sgernit rof atst'h cplea can hsit uyo ggion og oyu lsuryfeo to ot korw adn ovmcuniiemt eenv dna. Of mreo hte dcnmoie ot owrd ytusgidn item nvites gniog iegdnra leayrcl sgtnih nad omer nvee onit nad nad y'rueo gdo ese nundasedtr.
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S'erhe o,wn my tsha't nw;o ioggn no ewn twha o:estiuqn.
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Oyu ahs and asmeclir s'alfyim odg nad nwe uro odwerk uyor file era l?ief ahwt in onw rwehe.

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