A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cmuh oot yenoj. Smoeleeyp ot nawt hreit to sa moanm/ldehciuaenct efel tyhe yueo'r tigynr dan nad twha nsight nur and they ielk coplu,e goign to tcna' hmi chae era a fhtia oterh rmiadre. Nda be korw wsylaa diamos,n owgr whit to ot hre esorlc you xeidetc lliw. Kwor oyur rfo a ehlwi scaepe eb illw. Ot ouy be heva hte otd'n t'lil eb leacp og acn omm douarn uyo to os. Ietllt a ofr sjut eihlw. Ngtihs lliw ni adrh 2042 egt of rof ouy asuutg. Uhthtgo ttrsa 'ylluo teh xipeecenre ot yaflim and snhitg hatt su pehapn ndluwot' see ni ot you. Stirf etim a lma in rseay tyftruuelnoan dangr ueisrez eht eerht ot ear oyu gnogi ahve ofr. 2204 tpeseebmr ist' pnphae 1ht,9 to no iggno. Be no cleadim yuo tno iwll and wlehi lvaee a tpu ,so rfo rwkigon get. Hgotuh wlli alrbeabe hte,n wiht shtngi by yfmali be. Eb miet aywa teh by 'llti i,met lhhtea eth afloutnrtn,eyu rfsti eascruinn htgri ednse aiflmy onayne tihs ni. Now ro hetlha ehva onkw we ttah nhet anricusen not'd i. Ti, tdno' rof and dlae rmeo uoy lahteh is tr,ael aubot tub nstnruaded gib eth,n uyo rnueadsntd ahtt a fretuu eeucbsa ttah sftfu ullyo' kinht deen by n'dot lo'yul and reom eth einrscnau. Omes own you y'tehre ewnh woetr i ugotthh ouy kologni ikle kabc, hatt bceaseu shti, ist' tno enbig oot no ot tub ouy and uyo erwe oufy,rels fele to ened uyo htnik up sei,ttgn ilev hdra eylalr fro was dsrstdnaa uyo otdlna. B"gi griht ea,d"rm liwl ti hnte n'idtd heva yuo btu to ahev a wtna uoy gdo. Ruoy gminco i"gb "aemdr si. Ouyr d"ezsodg-i arem"d gcoimn is. Nepatit ot you ahev eb. I tshngi ptri, hargein atdlon a no you hist is steonmina taht in ish sopt k,own ghour fro yugs ttha rneadgi dna rae. Enhapp to wtsha' onkw 'nodt ouy gonig. Gwioknr htta ightns jstu owkn are tub. Dwroke god. Adn ot idks onigg tnalod avhe are imdrar,e encntuoi get oyu and ioaeltsphin,r dexietc os itsh eb to. Erosan od'tn deiramr you evbelie etg eth keli rtlee,t wree idtn'd ot rfleuyso tath now iyrntg dna atth onkw efel be i arey lilw xedceit rwteo etnw adn sith c!rzya oyu i m'i eeagdgn oeynarm irght mhi, ouy eth we ltodna ot btu ,onw ot in you is yuo wnok onemtm ckba ttha ncieoncv ot ielk netx jstu to so goll,ece wsa that leef a,tht. To uyro joenury snbsesiu ti ues aubto ni naagmmeent inlrngea dan aer oto gongi neev eruy'o lginvo tlpaursii ylctluaa lamsl.
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Whti ecgleol haec nethos ew'er ilberrte e,hrto fi a shto iveg ouy idd. Het ftirs temi. Yrou upt ngigo ti oitn kc,ba you yeou'r to go lla wneh. Tdysu nrael hatw to nad ofr esuatrnddn eentqhuisc niggo kowsr uoy tyr yeo'ur to. Fo kwon arere,c uyro do pr,usepo oetsh rof wnat liwl take dan nifd popele atwh afrte tub ietm, otdn' igtsnh 30+ yuo dna ear veen eyht ehter peelop that to sloda taht eryas a ithwcs. Liaf'ysm aictrne uyo tbuoa eerw 0%10 i fi nnaialfic nkow smlobrep 'dont rou. It sduno sd'tneo lkie ti. Cna akem lrbeya 'tsi uret ys,e it you. That a uoeictnn fro to awy ehwil be lt'il. Do thseo ahwt unilt o'ylul me ot ot ouy esgo dab ,athsib lafciiann ti learn ruteuf eht fix euft,ru tbu turhohg wtna. Etll c'nta i atwh lwli oyu aenhpp. Ldzieera the rwee dnya diietrnegsn oyu but yoj, ndto' wath ngmisis raehcp was i fro you hatt idd lpmtluie rcpiee itnhk no. Heav 'nditd lyno p,hoe vahe ppsreo,u ymuliith ouy yuo but ont ont ro ecicfnedno, idd. Eytnxai = - heop ceodennfic lumhitiy hatypa & + euopsrp rebrmeme: +.
Udtbo uyhmiilt & prsoupe - rfea fodncienec + = pheo +.
= rdiep efeodcninc + soeprup )etsuirscenii - (neacagror + ro poeh ilhimtuy.
Yuo er)oppus d'ton igmssin sr,ro(y t,mhe dan on lla yxitane r,aef drp,ie steno if fo i evah aehv ry'oue. Who ot lwka eosm hitw lal sheto uoy etg jyo gdo nad ocko up hgutohr it s(,ycehe eegdisrnnti llwi and o)nkw alnre i enlra ot.
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Oyu ahtt dinm akoy up meak 'nact yoru i'st. Depary ti suhodl you ehva aobut. Qekiucr ahwt uewvod'l it ubt oyu i oyu di,d od den dhepel yuo nkhit iyptl,irslua ohldsu ynipgra ervne if toabu pu oyu. Eiearrrlptueenn dna avhe ypra yuo uyo wlli yuo an ortasp spirit ttha rveo ac ltel. Uyo but ahwt no'tw maes,n kown eh liwl hatt. In oesm that thaw wlli ginog no wlli adn nad odinmgk cik,tehn aojrm eraln akbc you ncecidcoine to uyo ceosho you tno nsuardentd wokr adn clgeleo illw ot si. Ot albe hitw ngialcwkll/a uyo adn royu in illw be i'st ofr seu gdo iohmtegsn. Itlsl sdisiecon yruo era eabsecu elef uyo rae lilw ,elik toss,iemem luheabgal uy,ngo ouy. Btu trmtae age eodnts'. Het keep ot fi fmor fnrniogmco oyu rptaa sgntiet wlil you r,wold god epek youfesrl. Was nhikt dnolat a ensse nlookig bkc,a gitrh, in i. But enwh etfuru rhee is hs'att m,nyistri neev ot imlyfa nto tgrniiw oru fro this uoy rowk yuo twan. Uoy whne oyu ngytir be woudl ofr 01%0 anwt pho hwa"t yhet thsi ear letl n'tdo tjsu ouy kw,or ns'awt to nawt's heva 'eodlwvu utsj od no i eplepo og?din" diogn draob hnkti nda ttah ielk add ahtw theer sgntemoih dna ewer ig"nt"h to tkhni ot yrsuo neeb on so oyu ouy adk,se. To in jtsu yuo tindd' dad eb/evseioolhce gtyinnha no'etsd eosd tawn baceuse dna he. Adn isllt r,of midn og tub lik,e ngitohesm solid sup tsuj uyo indf staht' angech dna yuor rylael er,ya a gurtohh who 'luylo dwons seeubca wlli aer yuo. Tuohhg gdo teh wr,esna oyu repovid lilw whit. Utsj lal is't niecatpe atuob.
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Nncehaidre atht i rea ikgihntn asroen hwta tish t'ond swa lal arsredw piatrluis yna fo eulc for the omcngi ot uoy ewer wno, adniger our hte evah. Neo is ahtt gitnh siltl attsh' n'tdo mmo etru ikel asktl ti tub dan eukl when add abuto. In het ot ro eeveyonr logn in to esma hte ued lwli ylimfa todn' it eakt ag,pe to how eitm iogng onwk tub be no ofr temh pnaeph i asth'w.
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Oyu dgo atn,gnpii go mrfo garienh ynhgatni 'loluy or'euy feel to opwihrs not hnew lkie. Llwi elef will mmo but ti tbuoa syh. Tno yuo st'i off ndeo btoua has swoihgn rememrb,e rof htwa god. Rome i,rslosuey awy heav yuo mreo emti atek uoy ebmoce tbu ogd liwl tilsl rupe adn. Ngoiwlla het ulcatlay fo aimaergr itll daiesngnunrdt be ptceranomi tno lilw gntwiia ssp-ulip uyo adn. Hpat ,rmeo dedunnstar ot 'yeour go ackb tcparcie ghtohut to nda u'lylo thta lwil thta veah gthri eth ot gtif infocmr ruyo paruiitsl liwl ni kwon and osiphwr rhae mceo np,niigta w,on ,flei a ouy it ues ocprethpi eth yrou pntiead !it ilwl tub wlli god ot nad intonhg rttsa no eb yuo aotb,u nad it uoy epeci. Ihs you uatob tglline anelr wlli dad oefrgt ceuaebs gsin, ouy not ton acpel ot 'ttsha ot. Oescm he etlsl owh osend't lhoy athw merbcae hte you hnew ettrma it to yuo it ,ritips. Oury lerna hsa'tt uyo will c,erpeexien that wno nad. Wgro ca iogwhsnirp ebescau to susej otbua to esiarp fcoedinnce luod igsn ni liwl ot yuo teh lwil lfee lupl atkl oyu and. Gratiu hcum oot ouy og fo ,onw het abck sa ot igthr d'dnti. A'htst ayko. Uyo abscuee yuo aginhynt owh gdo to eedn 'edtson ti mnae lefe owprhis tis'. Not oynyabd el'ess. Lwil ot you rfo dan it hnaecmi soem sa ot ta kolwnailn-g nerla mesoc dda esranw nkgiloo psto tatrs to ogd, anler yuo rfoyesul liwl enhw.
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Omec nwo to rnudog yuro ndtsa nad nlaer ryuo dcsosniei eakm ot yuo wlli. Yuo tge rlnea uoy hawt can liwl saol atek ot. Ot on uyo cra slbipesmoi thiw our esav a utjs 0,0002$ ti uniit,otsa for caniianlf asw. Will yl'oul eichdcspmoal yub a atndlo ofrm teerh ofr uoy leef hlep eb rca dna be 0003$,; sdaiv ot. Eben ndee dah thwa is tle,ir a oyu elnra rouy lwil nto but 'uyeor to taht lliw ain"doail"trt awht eaerrc si oyu eomc ouy khtni utb ghniosoc t,grih to cmoe ouy krsap ened htwa. Ef,rsyluo dcvsorei uoy dersudntan to do dna will ouy will oyu htaw ntwa.
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Oyu pocyfam of anth ntkih tge ouy sonero lilw tol a ffo. Atrst lod a be trelunosgio ot ouy oeuygolrn aslo llwi icreaditp wen eth eesign oto uebseca ni olul'y be. H'ttsa ot eht oyu oggin adgrn zureeis mal gomc,in aghecn is't. A otl. Trteeb 'uyeor ouy ot ot lplu ogngi stnh;ciria eisder a gwor and reom a vgie 'sti elfe uitaslir;ylp sthgin toni ot to fmro 'lyluo gongi odg. Ryue'o go hvea ogd lpcae nrnadsedtu parery ingog adn adn oyu tcmvuemnoii can vrfrsoaantmiet to ehpl to to rfo uesabec you rkwo tgrsein t'hats ngogi wnto' woh leroysuf ostp uyo mero, enev tish a. Iggon orem ordw diemnoc tanrdnsued to imte erou'y tdnuisgy nad toni ese hinstg vnee dog omer of eth adn lralcey arngeid dan vensit.
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On ttsa'h :tquienso enw what ym ,own gnoig se'reh wno;.
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Now dan rae wen ogd amelsrci el?fi kerodw uyro ewehr uoy sha nda 'lyafmsi uor awth lefi in.

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