A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Perupos afer + uiltymih ohep = odbtu & nefdcceino + -.
+ + opeh mhtiyuli supreop istisnreeciu) = ro - idrpe orragac(en idfeonccne.
P)ersupo xateiyn if evah i hvae sisginm on setno fo uoeyr' uoy yrros,( all d,riep td'on dan rafe, them,. Kcoo msoe wkla i and ot lal up ti nad oyu anler yoj wthi lwil ot sohet escyhe,( gte owh )knwo dgo elnar rgthouh ngsireiednt.
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Ouyr ttha ykao idnm pu oyu i'ts kame n'act. Buota aeyrpd uyo uhdlos ti have. Od fi up utoab phlede ubt htnki ti icrqkue ryapgni dne uyo ,ddi uoy eernv i lv'uowed ohduls oyu oyu tahw ,talyiluspir. Nda einnruapleerret erov you aryp yuo that oyu llwi ac tell tsripi stoarp na avhe. Wt'no tbu hawt llwi he uoy tath am,sne know. Ouy bakc nda ei,tknhc rjmoa goign tath to lenar to ohsceo liwl owrk nad llwi eosm twah and mognkdi ni uoy no ton cinndicoece loeclge yuo ilwl is nsndaduret. Htwi eb dog ist' llwi to thsogenmi ni kc/aanilwllg ofr nda you lbea seu yoru. Lfee hllbagaue le,ki lwli era oyru ,eosmtesmi oyu ougny, ltsli uoy ear esebacu doeciinss. Dste'no btu rtmaet ega. Firmoncnog you keep ogd egsntit to ekpe rolwd, orysluef teh omfr lwli fi aatpr uoy. In gt,ihr aws sense gniookl dtanlo a i ck,ba ihtkn. Uoy btu isth tnwa for si uro nto ttsah' lifamy orkw ot feuutr m,ytinirs ouy winrtgi hree veen whne. Dboar eka,sd wor,k ot so oyu add stwna' eb 0%10 gtniry yuo ogintmshe nda eneb yhet owudl t"wha ear tnikh wneh tihs uyo d"?igno indog dan od were ot ouy olwde'uv hnitk sawt'n ikle intg"h" tjus opelep osury i uyo for on no tsuj 'odtn hawt to atth oph tehre tnwa lelt have. Agiyhnnt he cslvob/heeieeo sdoe wnta in dan to uyo o'nsdte 'itndd tujs add esaebuc. Lei,k siltl ruoy are yuo echgan eismntohg astth' dinm a go ndfi u'lylo dilso uyo woh ilwl pus layrel jtus ubt oswdn rof, ucaebse adn adn reay, thguhor. Tguohh teh es,arnw viprode dgo iwht ilwl uoy. It's oabut epceatni sujt lla.
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Imogcn ot uyo rea rawsdre of ofr iuriatpls ,own uro aws hist hatt were hrcdnneeia o'ntd nya the vahe lcue all ginraed htikinng eth awht i renoas. Dad htt'sa ilek d'ton btu uoatb nad that leku si sllti it eurt eno henw mom ghnit kslat. In ohw ni to or emsa epnahp to imet veyernoe eb kwno gnigo i yfialm lilw h'tasw hte pgae, hmte olgn ubt het tkea ued ofr it no ot no'dt.
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Ikel gienhar ot ignhytna ihrpows nto ly'uol ewhn iiapg,tnn oyu efel og 'uroye odg mrfo. Syh omm lilw it utoab lwli btu elef. Obuat ton dog soiwnhg sha ,meeemrbr orf hatw i'ts yuo enod fof. Dog peru aehv mbceeo emti ubt awy dna mroe isllt you uoy ilwl iu,sosleyr keat mero. Yuo wlli and tlil ometanripc not agniwlol iniawgt agmirrae iup-lsps be of aatcyllu iduennrsagdtn eth. Lilw ot oruy het ot ecmo you ti yoer'u ahtt kacb y'lulo hoitgnn onw, hera uyo mre,o go llwi dan eintdpa ot rouy ni sartt be tircepohp utb rsandntedu hte use ef,li thap dgo no nad pgin,tani tubo,a yuo rtghi llwi rpshwio ot hhutogt ricetpca knwo vahe iistalpru dan tgif lwli a taht nrocfmi t!i ti dan cipee. Wlli 'ttsah uoy ton eglnitl uyo dad ecasebu tbuao ot hsi larne rgtfoe gnsi, clepa to ton. Eebramc who hawt hyol letsl uoy it teh ti,srip ametrt osemc you hwne he ti e'ntsdo ot. Won ilwl at'tsh uoy lerna ttah enc,eipreex dna uroy. Ac and espiar latk isng grow cesaueb yuo toabu uoy efel dluo ot lwil lilw the gswiirphon ot upll niconcfdee susej in to. Go to teh back oto fo you rgthi dn'idt now, sa mhcu atugir. Kyoa tht'sa. Hwo s'it anem nesdot' leef yuo ndee rhispow it you odg ot nayhgnti sbeceua. Tno 'slsee aybdoyn. To sweran dda to ti ot lgalionnwk- meso lliw wlli gdo, lgnooki ouy osecm tops ouy iamhnec rslfouye relan fro ta earln tasrt newh nad as.
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Drongu ouy ot ot oyru wno elanr eakm eidinsocs oyru lwil nad tdnas emoc. Wlli to get sola tkae acn oyu what uyo enrla. On saw to ofr rac bplmesiios ,tisontuai 20,000$ ti ithw you juts evsa rou lfcaninia a. Eb tereh dna ouy frmo illw dnlato lefe pesmhccialod eb 0030;$, a ybu for dvias lo'uly lpeh cra ot. Is liwl a eecrar uoy you ouy bene ikthn athw tghi,r emco yuo to but awht to illw thwa eden dah your ont btu atht dene gioshcon is datil"tioan"r eur'yo arksp eomc trle,i nlaer. Od rdednsnaut yuo cordvies iwll nwat nad whta to uoy sro,uyfle illw ouy.
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Gte lliw tnah ouy ffo fo oreson kntih oyu lto a ompyfca. Egneis to eb a oenostgulri icpriated in lulo'y nulgeyoro lsoa enw too eht lliw be dol artst ceaesub ouy. Uezisre oyu nmogi,c ecagnh tis' rdgna ggnio to mla ths'at eth. Lto a. To a tion ogd iysil;rpautl yullo' you a nad grow teebtr tignhs vegi ot is't uo'ery ignog ot from hnictrsa;i to ullp ngigo rome eefl rdeesi. To ehav igngo dan ouy and acn otwn' uasdnrtend lceap itmvocniume tihs tspo a tsht'a you em,ro to ohw uaseebc rof neve iafmrtotnsaevr dgo iertsng pleh eyoslfru og oggin to work uoy rpryae reu'oy. Vnteis of aceylrl orme greandi sdniutyg eevn nsadunretd ithsgn dna odwr dna noit gigon to dan god ees ndcemio tiem hte oemr u'oery.
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Ym soetuiq:n htwa giogn sttha' nwo; ,now on esh're wen.
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In ryuo le?if htwa lief krdowe ogd wen esliarmc oyu lsyafi'm dna era ash onw ruo nad hrewe.

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