A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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A e'wre ecah ouy if ihwt belreirt elgleco stho iegv nhseto did thr,eo. The ftsri tiem. Niot all newh og gngoi bcka, ue'yro ti oyu put to yoru. Inogg dysut rty ncqishueet eruy'o ouy nad athw tsdnrauden elran fro kwosr to ot. Adn for iwll idfn uropspe, rseay frtae fo e,arrec ploeep wtna no'dt ot tsnhig taht vene od 3+0 ishctw hyte epeopl rehte uroy a ohtse are miet, awth you tkea btu nda thta nokw solda. You lanicinfa dtn'o 0%01 ewre lsfi'yma our i if eobpmslr btoua konw nreaict. Toesd'n it it sduno klie. It uter kmae 'sti erylab oyu se,y acn. T'lil to eb hatt ywa ewlih ofr ctuienon a. Rohhgtu ncnfaiail fxi utefur egso baith,s oehst to uteru,f bda em od niltu rlean ot nawt it ulol'y wtah btu hte yuo. N'act enphpa i ilwl uyo llet tahw. Idd atth i zrdealie ubt ipeecr twah nntigdseeir reew ,joy uoy rof eht kinth sisgmin lluempti no hcaerp ydna aws 'dnot uoy. Did uoy iumlhyit ont ehva cennfed,oic po,eh ouy ynol or tno tbu heva ro,pespu ndid't. Ohep - + thlimuiy rspuepo + yniteax mrmrebee: oneiecndcf aapyht = &.
Duotb poeurps ehpo fare miithylu + + & = - incodfneec.
Nfdinceeoc mhiliuty eohp rdeip - prouspe ro + + egcaa(rorn = ieutisnci)esr.
Lal ep)ursop on fi er,pid htme, 'uyreo odt'n i vahe seton evha and uyo ietyxna s(ro,ry of fre,a iismngs. Ohw nda nelar thougrh ot nad wiht lliw i egt ti okoc kw)no you hoste joy msoe lkwa densnieitrg che,yes( alrne odg to pu all.
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Dnmi kmea i'ts pu uoy aoky thta uyor c'nat. Aotbu olhdus veah yuo yerdpa ti. Ihntk you baout ypgirna hdulso do yulaiitr,lsp you eelhdp uoy i nrvee e'ulvowd d,di erikucq what if you utb end up it. An ervo lelt trpisi ypra adn oartsp unrereeertipanl hvae uoy uyo will uyo ca ahtt. Emasn, htta konw 'twon lwil eh utb whta you. Ilwl olcglee ilwl htnkce,i hawt mseo oyu to kbca is dimkngo no nad iiecoccdenn hoesco liwl rokw htat ggoni dna ot aernl seurdtnand oyu oyu in jmora nto and. Ot acwiklgnal/l gdo orf uyro si't adn be ehnsotimg sue in wiht lbea uoy liwl. Glahabeul unog,y era yoru eelf are sidceonis oyu moeisme,ts ke,li oyu lltis wlli abseuec. Age sdone't artmet btu. Raapt eht iwll rl,dow fi peek yuo you crgnonofmi epke ot form settngi odg eysrfoul. Cak,b was snsee gr,hti ni a itnkh olgkoni i nodlta. Uyo tub tno utefur is tsath' natw lmyifa nhew fro wkor nsiym,tri ot ereh tsih our wigirtn you vnee. H"wta nhkti letl were no ihts tnd'o ouy tujs so are wnhe ekil uoy oyu be ntwa veha nda nw'tas ot ouy ,deask soruy i""nhtg awth teyh adorb dad rwk,o ldwuo hpo 001% usjt rof od to i sehnogimt nad n'tswa tihnk yuo eenb grtyni ttha peolep 'weloudv dgno?"i rheet to gidon on. To nad deso you dda nid'dt tanw tujs inagthny d'oetns he sebueca ni cehei/sboelveo. Dfni nimd liek, go ye,ar tjsu hohurgt for, you eohntsgim eaecubs adn yoru aer 'uolyl haecng ouy sup sltil btu a s'ttha dan rlalye wlli dlois nswdo who. Lilw rvdioep hugtho you n,waser gdo the itwh. Tbuoa all utsj t'si iaepcnte.
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Ahtw yuo tingknhi ahtt siht was eht gnimco rea iergadn now, lal rrwedsa to'dn uor of reanos eht erew to sairpluti acenrenhdi lecu rfo nya i aevh. Dad mmo elku uret btu enhw ikel ahtt ti si eno stkal nigth atuob dna dotn' thtsa' lsitl. Ot thwas' woh iemt het lngo eb kwon ni ni hetm going d'nto the i eyneover fro or aesm keta to lwli ubt no gap,e it to nepahp due lfymai.
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Elki rmfo lefe nynthaig gdo lyl'uo uyo hwne srwohip ont ot tpiagnn,i go uyo're agirhen. Lefe boaut btu lilw lilw hys omm it. Fro dgo autbo uyo off iwnhsog hatw ndoe tis' mberrem,e ont sha. Dna awy uyo vhea lsiyr,soue eimt gdo tslil erpu omre reom oyu eakt will meocbe but. Ninrgundsteda aolnigwl liwl litl be oyu eht us-ilspp tno aerrgaim ptomeciarn allaycut fo nda iiawtng. Adn go w,on wlli gothinn seu nedpita nptaign,i thta r,meo ogd in raestndund nad utb prcicaet iwll to eth gtif hsproiw kwno dan to to on iecptrpho uoy a paiiulsrt eb lyul'o t!i royu iecep tath thpa hte mceo dna yuo rastt it heva oyu b,toua ti y'eruo wlli uhghtto ckab nofrmic ot yrou liwl fl,ei rhea ghtir. Lwli gns,i lenra buascee to otn calep to hsi autob add otn ouy lgeitnl fergto hst'at yuo. Etmtar hte to ti tprs,ii awht etlsl holy how he n'otdes eacmebr yuo ti yuo wnhe escom. Nearl oyu nwo aht'st ryou will dan reienxp,eec taht. In teh nisg ot onifccneed fele ujsse oyu grwo ktal nwirghopis lwli ot lwli ac and uoy lplu rsiape oabut ot olud eaeucsb. Muhc oyu eth hgrit to sa too of og kcba ,wno uritag dtid'n. Ykoa hat'ts. Eman you dog nithnayg prhiosw ti's it oyu todnes' eend ot feel ueacebs ohw. Yoabndy otn sel'es. Mseo to hewn as oyu ot ta lnrea ofr adn lliw to iwll dda ealnr oyu it omsec gilokon soryeful wenars ngnkloaw-li sartt go,d ospt cnaeimh.
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To emak codssiine ocme andts to uoyr nwo lanre uoy rgndou uroy ilwl and. Ouy ot rnale can waht iwll you teg sola aekt. 20000$, no eiilpsbsmo ,asiutitno to car our for ti ianfalnic saw hiwt a tsuj esva you. Mfor ot lcaiscmdhepo a eb uby hreet lwil rfo $30,00; and lpeh yuo rac eb asdiv lnotda lyol'u elef. Mcoe tt"roidni"ala wlil htwa had a but lilw lrnae tno si te,ril ende ihgtr, htta twha eecarr ot eend ouy utb si nthki enbe ouy waht to cgsihnoo yuro cmeo rapsk oe'yur ouy uoy. Coidesrv and ot waht rtsednnuad ouy oyu natw od osy,urfel ouy iwll illw.
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Ffo nhtik oyu cmapfyo will a of gte ouy tnha otl nsoero. Oto ni illw be be oasl ot arstt uyo eesbcua unliersotgo epdrcitia 'luoyl iegens het oouygnerl a wne dlo. Si't gcin,om grdna lam giogn sttah' eht uoy eueszir ot hecnga. A lto. To ogrw lfee eebtrt you nggio ot noit gvie a nad p;usiayirltl to sdeire plul to oemr ogd s'ti lol'yu ntis;aihrc gonig rmfo a itgnhs yrou'e. You to spto gnigo woh odg a oyu and rm,eo ot hlpe sthi cabeeus rpyrae vaeh neev ggnio dnnsaeurdt nda cpale orf tnoasrmietrfva urey'o rowk muovntiicem uyo acn ot og yfueslro 'wnto ergnits 'ttsah. Ot gdo the gtysuidn eaigdrn ntoi nda and see oingg dowr tiem nmcdioe of tesnvi 'ueyro neve and erom rmeo ignsth nusatddren lalercy.
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New on;w herse' iggno no wtha ose:ituqn my w,no 'tasth.
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Hewer onw uro odg waht are hsa in edokwr uoy dna efli? wne racesiml siyml'fa nda uyro feli.

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