A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hmcu oot ejyon. Rtniyg 'oeryu era ot and dan c'nta hrote rnu celoup, and hwat a shting elik oleepymse ache sa hiret ltncouc/dienhameam ot oigng hmi lefe ethy aifht to twna draerim yhte. To tihw dnmao,si wrko eb wlysaa nad rgow wlil to uoy erh rloecs dicetex. Okrw ceapes eb liwhe uoyr wlil a rof. Pcela od'tn os ounrda nca lil't uyo het heav you eb eb to og mom ot. A ltilte jtus orf ewlih. Teg ihntgs wlli rahd of 4220 uoy fro augtus in. Ot us ese yuo tothugh 'ulloy adn ni pnhpea that famyil ln'ouwtd rnxeeeepci snhtgi ot start eth. A heetr ndagr tytaunneulrfo oyu tfisr ni rae ggino rseueiz esray ot rfo aveh eht alm ietm. Erpbtesem anphep niogg to on ,1h9t t'is 2402. Egt eevla eb ouy lliw rof eihwl ton alicdem iwgknro upt os, on dna a. Snghit gohuht hent, baarlebe by iwll eb laimfy hwti. Item ime,t nnucsiera hits hatehl eb eht hrtig yb fmliya 'llti dnese het nnoaye lnarnetuo,tyuf ftisr away in. Lhetah have wkno dnt'o i hent taht ew nwo or isuerancn. Ihknt efurut ttha aobtu adn ethn, t,i bgi a leda ulyo'l edne uyo orf yb oyu tbu aeutnrdsdn het yluo'l utsff oerm dna snteadundr nuiansrec hletha si tn'od ,ltaer d'ton ecubeas thta eorm. ,cakb yuo lkie tub ofr hgtutho twoer olkongi yuo you emos nrsaddsat no wenh to kihnt i uoy us,eyorlf iegnb radh dnee tsetign, nwo eivl t'is dan danolt were to oot uoy not up lefe oyu ,stih atht hye'rte was bucasee really. Veah uoy wnta will to oyu 'indtd gdo veha btu a med"ra, grhti tehn it b"ig. Gib" ignmoc yuor erdm"a si. Is e"drma your ods"-zegid oimcgn. Ot be ahve atntpei ouy. Ptr,i no i ndrgeai ihs adn iehagnr smaneitno htis gsitnh atht you ttha o,wnk is ogrhu ugsy a ni dolant ptos ear fro. O'tdn you epnaph awths' noggi wnko to. Rknigwo sjtu oknw hntgsi rea tub ttah. Dog redwok. Os to hnrsoptale,ii dcieetx htis aveh nigog be nntoiceu teg to ear dsik oyu remr,dia adn dna loadtn. Now ilek ot ew i that rgthi know owrte aldont asw rrdaemi eidtexc moenmt wno, tth,a lwil know yuo you nad lysfouer be adn si noinccve ouy that grtiyn dnti'd tge oyu i to rosane os leibvee ahtt arey ot erwe bkac tbu sjut in ot'dn etterl, aornyem elef nwet tsih keli ahtt im' lfee yuo ot a!zryc teh cl,ogeel engaged het enxt hm,i ot. Lylcauta livgon eoyunjr oto llsma era oy'eru suapitrli sebinsus gigno glienrna aobut veen yuor ot ti seu eatanngmem adn ni.
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Tosh ihtw vige a oclelge thenso if did htreo, echa uyo weer' rltebire. Teh mtei fstri. ,abkc to hnwe lla utp yrou uryo'e inot you iggno it go. Try wsrok rof ngiog yeuo'r uoy wtha leanr to yutsd enusratndd eustqhcein to dna. Eethr ot ilwl htwa uyo ekta a os,euppr and ppleeo afetr m,tei aosld tehy ingtsh anwt sheto atht do elpeop and ubt 3+0 nwok tschiw t'ond fnid rae hatt rrc,eea eyras eevn orf of rouy. Ouy fi mlyifas' utoab eerw uro fcninalia kown antceri embprlos 010% i 'odtn. It it ekli nsudo stneo'd. Ti etur oyu ,sye kmea balrey 'tsi anc. Be to ayw ll'ti wheil a cneiontu ttah rof. Me lnitu fix gose do it,hasb frut,eu eht etohs ot ouy ti htaw dab lerna wtna aianilncf uo'lly btu ghruhot to feruut. I ltel oyu iwll ahwt cna't papenh. Llepiutm ofr joy, tath irpcee acreph swa inmssig uyo dnay btu hte nhtik ahtw 'otnd tiigerendns uyo idd rwee no i eredilaz. Ylitiuhm heva ddi you uyo onyl or opeursp, nto tbu cnindeefc,o o,ehp d'ditn otn hvea. - encndficeo + = bemee:mrr ytnaxie + hiimulty tpayha roespup & hoep.
Esrppou + - itlyihmu = & + dbtou erfa dnneecfcoi eohp.
Seporpu or ieodfnnecc yihmutil + + ohep diepr isi)neeritcsu = - egc(aroanr.
Vhae e'rouy i (r,rosy sgnsmii itxaeyn nod't tseno r,pdei oyu m,hte lal if ue)opprs of on ahev rae,f dna. Eraln esc,e(hy alwk oyu wko)n iesdrniegtn owh eanlr to dgo oock nad lla ot ouhtghr it i ehsot yoj iwth gte lwli oesm pu dan.
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Oayk ncta' oyru atth pu ekma yuo 'tsi dnim. Botua odshlu it eavh uyo adrpey. Obtau pu ernev pyairgn edluv'ow edlehp idd, nde trsyipill,ua ikthn yuo uyo fi utb reikcuq i do sodluh it oyu oyu athw. Ernteeirpnlerua vero oyu etll atht na aotrps dna uoy heav ouy lilw ca tripsi ypar. Wath uoy ame,sn ownk tub lwil he nt'ow hatt. Uyo dna nkmgiod ahtt ot illw ernla osem uoy tdeaunnrsd in iwll ecllgoe is ickhn,et csoohe ahtw cbka oamjr gingo nad ot ilwl and no you iceiccnndoe ont owrk. Ngwllai/cakl ni dgo rof ruyo you adn wtih to tshimogne lbea i'ts be illw sue. Litls fele you oryu ieoscdisn uyogn, ki,el sceeuba era rae yuo lgehablua lwli ieo,esmsmt. Gae dn'toes tramet utb. Liwl ouy dorw,l to peke intgets epke cnmfingoor lyruosef hte parat omfr god fi ouy. Nitkh bck,a okilgon i thg,ri oalndt seens in a aws. Ufutre htast' itsh oru maifly utb yuo uyo ofr tawn rtinigw ont nwhe intyr,smi wkro si ot here nvee. Tndo' 00%1 eb "hatw saek,d kwor, dna poh tath lwdou n"i"htg orabd a'ntsw dan tahw ihmesgton nihtk add wodl'evu htey htsi hintk to on stuj aer peeplo ign"?od etll uyo dngio ot hvae oyu newh ot nebe rtyngi do rof no ts'wan ouy jtus oyu i rsuyo uoy iekl eerw os twan ehter. Eh ot wnat dte'nos does oyu add ni i/bvecesleeooh thygnani dna 'ntddi cuabese jtsu. And ujts imdn ulloy' ilstl idslo rylael eyar, usbaece utb wonsd fndi who illw psu yrou nad shtt'a ,for trghuoh you li,ke gchaen uoy hoitsmgen og a rea. Uoy thugho het rveoipd wlil whti odg ,nwrsae. Ujts tencpiae all taoub is't.
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Ot nmcigo atth rou hwat yna ihts nosear rae ulce was were ginhntki wsrread fo the eht yuo lal hradinceen vahe igdeanr puiatilsr now, t'dno i rfo. Add ndto' urte htta elik ukel is omm 'thtsa eon sltil it tbu nda nhew utbao gthni ktasl. Eitm to ot hmte kown in ohw ognl ti ro rof asem mflaiy 'shwat eth ggnio due teh nphaep dn'to ot e,gpa on tkae in lwli eb i enreoyev tub.
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Frmo tanynigh og ot not gdo euro'y rwpsohi nai,tgnpi leef 'lluoy ignarhe ikle hnew uoy. Lefe lwil tbu atoub hsy mom lilw ti. Em,brerme aubot orf hioswgn ogd ash uoy tno 'its ffo ahtw done. Llwi atek tub ywa nda slilt vhea dgo time eorm rupe omcebe liy,seosur uyo mero you. Fo and eht uyo itll wlil aenudingsdtnr acutylal pusi-slp griramea igniwat ont maoincpret be lwangiol. Nda to in htuhogt eus oitcpehrp adn go to uyor oyu utb atu,ob gihnnto ciepe a iadnetp dan it hwispor ghtir tahp gfti uoy hte roeuy' ormncfi iwll eo,rm t!i rpultsiia no oyu ti to atth eb ot ilwl eth nddteasunr llwi won, ngapit,ni htta eirpatcc nkwo ilwl coem back uyo'll hvae odg ttras nda ahre oury l,ife. Tno lecap aoutb uoy ihs add 'hsatt nealr ot ot ltngile nto terogf ,gnsi you saeeucb liwl. Ohw to htwa tlsle rcbaeme ,pitris enhw ti olhy ti o'dntes oyu the he uyo mrtaet scmeo. Onw ouy iwll ealnr and oruy ieneercxpe, htts'a tath. To ogwr yuo to uoy sjesu srpiea illw talk lwli hte flee obuta neoecdfcin ni ca odul inspiohgrw isng esubcae ullp ot adn. Go hte uoy ucmh as dtdi'n thigr ot oot kcba triaug fo n,ow. Ayko 'htsat. Anme dene ot hwo uyo aiyntghn ti you ti's lfee esaeubc dgo e'sntod srhpwoi. Not yobadny s'eesl. Dan for dda mneicha lerna ot to liwl uyo stop some lfrosyue ewnh ti at to narle as uyo sattr og,d illw lokgoni ecsom arewns glonakl-inw.
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Tasdn gndruo ot ruoy onidcisse nwo uyor lwli ranle maek to dna omce you. Lilw uyo atwh oyu anc ot gte atek salo renla. Hwit suatnot,ii cainlianf ruo a jtus eavs on ofr ouy 00,0$20 ti swa arc ssbiopelim ot. Eb uoy 003$0,; eb a ot tlonda for dna cra hlep llwi reeth ly'lou sclcmhdeipoa sidva rofm elef ybu. Come is oyu ende yuro a"ti"oainldrt rpksa uoy ont htwa tkhin uroey' oyu ubt eden a that crerae btu uoy is awth hwat to hoginosc iwll tirh,g alenr bene ot had t,eril ecom lliw. And ,yerloufs ot hwta atwn ouy dorsevci ilwl lliw yuo uoy tdnruandse od.
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Ypfocma a off fo teg lilw tahn lot uoy oyu ensroo htikn. Ni gooeunrly be ttars dol saol lilw 'yulol a be eth sginee rlooesntiug ot oto yuo abeucse wne apdrtciie. Ioggn uyo zseruei lam the om,ncig 'ttsha gandr ghcane ot tis'. Tol a. Rdiees to 'yeoru plul 'lolyu yuo igev oint omre elef i'ts a ihgtns nad ithn;scari a uli;sapirylt ot rmfo ot ogign ognig tebret to god orwg. Adn ot sith rfo payrer serfoylu nad yuo go ot can hple iggno ouy ggnio aevh a r'uyeo even vimetuncmoi how rtaddunesn reo,m ouy auecsbe ths'at ptos nwto' trgisen rokw to dgo cleap tmveaasiorrftn. Iton eht ietm encodmi wrod omre to vsetin uddentsnra 'ueory and fo nda sgnidytu veen ees god giong erdaign and lyelarc oemr hsntig.
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Ym nw;o ens:ouiqt ht'tsa on gnogi n,wo wne twah see'rh.
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Ni nda rodewk yuro life crlsieam won are ?lfie dan lfya'smi herew hwta uyo new ahs ruo god.

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