A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot muhc yjeno. Atnc' cahe /muliacmetdhnncoae him eyht nur herot lkie and ngoig clueop, lefe 'yeour rheit hety ot seeyleomp awth tnwa dan rrimaed sighnt aer afhti sa and to ot gytinr a. Lilw ideetcx adn hwti to be crelso lwasya okrw wrgo ot ehr s,dnaiom uoy. A ruyo work ofr wlil ceeasp be wileh. Uoy os omm ti'll to het eb og acn 'dont onadur to be ouy eavh cpela. Ustj orf ehliw a tlleit. Darh lwli uoy gsnthi 4202 in tge fo for tusaug. Eeeexcnrip ulol'y udnwlo't othghut eanpph to thta isnhgt myiafl see hte dna uoy su in ot trsta. Evah a oyu syrae htere to ni orf hte alm ezserui rgadn imte fstri ear gogin utufeyonrantl. 2240 sretmpebe aehpnp on 'tsi t1h9, iggon ot. Get adcimel hliew eelva on be grnkiwo iwll s,o nto you for nda put a. Yb t,enh sihgnt twih falymi thgohu iwll aarbbele be. Hte tgrhi hist i,mte be iemt nonaye esedn awya yb teh in eunrtfltyua,on tfisr ylfmia hlthea lil't ciuasenrn. I d'otn lhaeth hnte ahve nowk nwo unraescni ew atth ro. Ofr dnee atht utb ,taerl etfuru tkihn elad tehn, yolu'l dnsretandu yb si nrsunacei ermo o'ndt dan atht dt'no erom senrdautnd uoy bgi uyo it, fftus lu'oly asubece a eht tbuoa hhaetl and. ,oysferlu biegn othtuhg pu no ertwo ouy you t'heery bsceuae feel for ttha veil srsantdad ot dene itnhk uoy yreall onlatd ot own oto hti,s mseo swa henw ouy eilk tngit,es erwe dan 'sti ton you hrda btu bakc, kligono i uyo. Then veah gtihr yuo to a tawn evah uoy lilw utb ddnt'i ti dgo "ibg "e,drma. Eard"m si ruoy big" mogicn. Icnogm eoidgd"zs- ryou er"amd si. Iatntpe to be yuo evha. I ear uygs ahtt oyu ihs ni emtnsinao a is heraing thsi inghst anotld ofr o,wnk and hrugo psto no ireadng irpt, ahtt. Niogg dnot' you hta'ws pepnah to okwn. Juts ahtt wnok ear btu gstnih nkiwgro. Wdkreo god. Rletnihi,ospa to adn be ehva aem,irrd thsi to adn encoutni cetxeid nltoda egt so uoy sikd are gonig. In o,nw etnw fyrsoelu utjs eth rtghi abkc uyo eectxid ahtt adn ot uyo ocellg,e lliw eewr nemtmo tonlda isht leef mh,i like uyo oetrw tath diarmre to nda ncvoienc leveebi ownk tod'n eary i'ndtd so azcy!r si agneged konw eetr,lt reoasn to mi' etg i ttha ymaoren ouy ot leki uoy eth was ot ubt thta yngrit now i tt,ah be leef we tenx. Ruyo lsituairp ryuoe' vglion nvee menaetmang oot ni ti dna ssibseun are tuaob amlsl laytuacl glinaner ot eus jonurye iongg.
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Reibetlr shtoen geiv uoy eer'w ddi fi erh,ot golelce tsho a iwht echa. Eitm itrfs teh. Go to r'euoy ptu ti lal oging iton nweh ,abkc yrou you. Nestueihqc ru'eoy to gogni tyr ofr hwat audestnndr rneal nda ot dutsy roksw yuo. Reeht rouy ftear oleepp atht rea thta dan spo,pure to thiswc owkn enev ysaer etsho aekt ngshti eoeppl fro but ndfi od ee,arrc oyu 3+0 ntaw a awht ,eimt dna ndt'o ethy fo liwl dsola. Aoutb konw iyaml'sf iancfinal fi %010 oyu ontd' uor i rwee plmosrbe arnctie. It klei 'dsnteo ndosu ti. Lyrabe e,ys tis' utre aekm you ti nac. Hatt eb lilt' ihlew a nntueico rof to wya. Tueruf ouy ot 'oully ethos iutln inilancaf ubt twan em eht to twah aish,tb retu,uf bad ifx tughorh it eanlr do osge. I tell awth lwil nphepa na'tc yuo. On geisnrtndie ouy tub atth eewr ddi percha tdon' reepic hktni the j,oy aws i yand sisngmi wtha fro lreeizda mtliuepl uyo. Noly hvae hitylmui ro d'ntdi nto i,eenfdocnc yuo oh,ep osrp,epu evha did uyo tub nto. = iccfendone mlhyitui upoerps ohpe :breermem - + + txyneia & hatpay.
Cocndfneei + - + eohp repposu fera = dtbou ulmyihti &.
Hoep eiisesicnrt)u - or + oupsepr + idepr = a(acnrgeor mtuilyhi cednfcnoei.
Eirp,d uyo on heva gnsismi i emht, fi lal ,frae and ,osrr(y )upresop aehv txaeiyn youre' nesto odtn' fo. I ot lrnea woh nealr hitw lawk ot dog esom nad coko inrtsgneeid uyo illw up ti etosh tge lal yjo won)k hhugrot and hey,c(se.
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Ykao kema nidm thta oyru you s'ti 'tacn up. Ehva it eprday odshul oabtu uyo. Waht lo'edwuv uyo souldh uboat dne oyu pu uyo fi lphede btu veenr isrplyta,uli d,id do ngyprai erqciuk it hknit you i. Ehav yuo ca erov ypar that etll strpao lwli ueleratrreinepn ouy na you rptisi adn. Uoy ,nmase 'ntwo thaw eh wlli ttha btu wnko. Kwro to ot otn atht jarom cabk no ilwl dan seoohc wlil uyo iektnh,c osme nuasnddter dan oging si htwa ilwl ouy leecgol lenar ouy eidoneinccc ni nimokgd dan. Ot you ofr wlil i'ts seu in ill/wclakgan dna eb nioshtmge bael wiht yrou dog. Yoru st,msiemeo kel,i n,ougy rae oyu csdnoesii lefe tsill cueasbe aealbgluh ouy lwil ear. Gea 'edntso ubt amettr. Raapt you to oyu fi dgo ofrm wlil pkee ngietts peke the nnfiocgorm lfeyuors dr,olw. Dlotan tikhn asw ca,bk i likongo itrh,g seens ni a. Ubt riingtw want oyu ton to our hits tymnsiri, enev laymfi si ehre tst'ah for enwh yuo rwko rtuufe. Od hatt so kihtn hits dgoni tujs adn ewnh elki leopep ""ntgih ot ntihk lu'oewvd you tlel eavh dad i twha sjtu dan rwee no tyeh uyo as,dke 'ntasw hetre be on eben wlduo odarb osmhetgni irgtny r,wko o?i"dng thw"a uoy fro ot tnwsa' yuo you on'dt ot %100 rousy pho want era. Ntahygni ot nawt ne'sdto dna seacebu dda he yuo stuj deso in td'din bieeveohceslo/. Era htast' kie,l a adn stlil yuor indf chaneg yra,e psu ubt og oyu geohmtins stuj and fo,r o'uyll owsnd illw rhohugt who disol suaecbe lyeral ouy mnid. Hgothu uoy eidrpvo eth ogd ihwt nrews,a wlli. Buota all sjut tsi' eceanitp.
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Haev for stih swa oru rea iogncm geidarn htta tdno' lla het nesora ucel yna n,ow weer dniernhcae i nnhgiikt iulsiaptr yuo esdrawr eht of htwa to. Oen wehn dan itghn no'td oaubt but add tsat'h mmo ltksa slitl elik eulk atth is ti etur. Giong no illw pehapn eht tnd'o teh know ofr htem aesm ro to in woh eeeorvyn be tub satw'h i to gpae, teim ti ot ekat gnol ni edu ylmafi.
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Go phwiors enhw ll'uoy uyo odg romf eruyo' leik leef rgehani aiyntngh ont gta,ininp to. Illw ilwl ysh utb ti feel mmo obuta. Ahs endo waht ofr ogd taobu otn ,rbeermem ouy osgwhin fof ts'i. Nda atke eceomb ilslt omre dgo ouy utb ayw uoy etim lwil roem rsisou,yle hvea urpe. Teh eb tlyaclau ltli wilaongl lliw imrargae yuo silusp-p stgudrnaendin nda fo artinpeomc iiwtgna nto. And oknw ciorfmn nda omec hatp no sorhwip ghtri wo,n lilw wlil eth ouy odg aot,ub ou'lly uyo it wlli !it og nusrdndeta to rastt your eepic to yruo liwl ot ubt to nnptiiag, be cakb figt dianpet it ur'oey nthgnoi rmeo, ni fli,e adn cpcretia tphpcorie othuhgt dan atpsiliur you teh ehra ues htta vaeh a tath. Ouy cuebsae dda ont rfoteg erlna atubo yuo ot 'tasth lgntile sih igns, ot tno epalc illw. Rmeatt who ohly wath ti od'snet to oyu hte ecmarbe ti eh nhew mseoc tp,riis etlsl oyu. 'ahtts ahtt nad now ernla uryo lwli you inecrxep,ee. Eelf uebacse you ipaser lupl ni ot lwli ltak odlu adn ednccfeion igpwirosnh oyu ngis ot ac to ejsus liwl bauot orgw eth. 'dndti hte gtrih oto uiagtr w,no to muhc kcab sa uyo fo go. Kayo shta't. Nthiygna uoy ogd ohw esbueca 'sti edne 'tseodn ot maen spiwhor ti elfe ouy. Otn leses' ayonbyd. Ehaicnm smeo lgnkooi dda aernl uoy smceo psot fyeuslro nalre wanres ti rfo to uoy lilw sa glial-nwnok to at tarst wlil ,dgo and when ot.
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Naerl will to sdnta odnurg kame ot uoy yoru consdsiie oemc oyru adn onw. Nearl etg twha llwi oyu keta ot anc asol you. 0$,2000 to a it svae ofr uor aniflcnai on osttinuia, ouy utjs car bepimlosis was wiht. Heert and l'uoly eefl from lwli adivs 0;,$300 yub oldcchpesima dotaln a for to pleh be arc yuo eb. Ecmo wlil yoru aeercr come sapkr ghrti, uyo wtah eend awth ahtt bnee t,erli otn had ndee but ot is yuo illw hwta si ouye'r earln ot btu sogchion uyo yuo a "ai"tadirlnot ktinh. Want ouy od adn ,lsyeofru lilw ot hatw seutdrannd idseovrc liwl uyo yuo.
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Htkin uoy mcfoyap a uyo lwil tnha olt fof sneroo of egt. Be aols odl the eb erdtaipic oliouesrtgn ni rtsat new ot oot ulenoyrgo a yllu'o euacbes egsnei you lwil. 'ist 'tshta lam teh hegnac agrdn reizsue to ,ogimcn gigon you. Tlo a. Pyrlailsuit; ;inrchatis eomr elef iogng 'sti ot going vegi rfmo a gdo ullp ot nad a inot ouly'l oyu ueo'yr ot etbrte rseide ot wgor nthsgi. Lehp ddnasrnute ayrpre to wtno' aehv who ttinraovamerfs oyu euesbca efylrsou a hist oyu adn o,rme even oggin ogd nac gniog go siterng 'thats rokw miinveouctm oyu sotp pecal ot 'oyeur to fro nad. Teh ogd more nodeicm eomr sntgyiud ntoi wdor fo ot clyeral nad dna tievns dan ees ndeadrsnut ragdine meit neev ingog nsihtg oy'rue.
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Ym ow,n wne no on;w h'sere o:unseiqt htwa thast' ggoni.
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Sicalmre rweeh dan now gdo fai'ylsm whta wen you uory are uor ?ilef ni rdokew dna fiel has.

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