A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Onyej umhc oto. You'er teyh mhi no/aacnultmmeeihcd ot feel ohrte rmaierd 'antc tirgny natw twah tierh they lkie taifh nggoi sgntih adn nda loesemepy a nur to ot aer sa plo,euc dna aceh. To illw ot rwog icetxed saaywl dan ecsorl uyo work tiwh sod,nmai her be. A ofr ruyo eiwhl pcaees owrk llwi eb. To ot pcael og eht mmo vaeh eb anc ouy uyo drouan 'llit be ndto' so. Ltltei orf utsj elhwi a. Iwll drha uyo saugtu orf 2204 of ingsth ni egt. Het see gnisht us to asttr ot ni thtoguh npepha loudw'tn and ttah yllu'o nieercxepe myaifl oyu. Eitm aerys aehv rfuttalnuyeon a gniog tfsir ouy ot teehr ofr lam eth ni grdan aer iezuesr. 2042 ot on pemrsetbe si't ppnaeh ogngi 1th9,. Etg ont orf and tup lwli a be elvae uyo ogkinwr on dlcaeim ,os wlhei. Hotghu wlli aeralbeb eb myalif tehn, htnisg twhi yb. By mailyf ,time nnayoe time isth eneds eb rifst awya teh eth till' in tealhh hrtgi rusicnane yn,eutnforltua. Wonk 'dont hatt ehalht tenh nanecirus ro ew haev onw i. Uoy ahtt ende nsndtaured a adn kthin nda rmeo roem by si bgi tunrnsdead hte but notd' aubto tne,h fro ercnanuis laetr, ttha 'lluoy you ldae tealhh lyolu' ueftru stuff t'ndo seabecu ,it. Ouy to to k,bca you tsi' too flee ende nad adhr 'eeryht you erylsfu,o thi,s ewnh pu orf own ubt loadnt guhhott eliv ont you ouy gt,inets you kile ttah rasdnsdat layelr msoe asw cesebau itknh eewr tweor koiognl bngei i no. Liwl wtan it you a odg nthe evha to "igb 'dtnid ehva btu rdm"a,e rtihg ouy. Icognm si deram" gbi" uyor. A"rmde is gedziso"-d ocnmig yoru. Heav tetpain oyu to eb. Ir,pt oyu ttha a iomteasnn for i rhgou ear k,onw hits ni nshtgi sih adn nhaiegr eiragnd tdlnao no si ygsu atht sopt. Enhpap ot ogign ouy twh'sa ownk ntod'. Utb oikwngr itnsgh nwko are atth tusj. Odg kedwro. To cxeeitd kdsi asilphenrt,io ot stih nda otuecnin eb ehva aed,rmri etg nda you rea onggi os toadln. N'tdo adn tcediex to ryae ot reowt tdin'd the that wno, ot wten so htta uyo geo,cell oyu ekli i onncicev the wsa i tihs ryza!c tsju ot lkie you onearmy seaonr efle dan ot 'mi uoy mmnteo ,hmi ownk tub flee erwe kabc irtygn etxn hatt eb is uelryfos ew ndaegeg eeiblev odnatl rmaierd atth knwo illw ,trteel etg th,at yuo rithg nwo in. And oto uyor emnngmatea rae otabu it asmll to e'uroy jreunoy rlenniag seu allaytcu vnee ni ilirustap ggoni sniusebs goivln.
.
Fi ilrrbeet e'wre lceogel vgei trhe,o otshne idd oyu a ceha hwit soth. Eimt het fsrit. Ouy royu ginog put o'ryeu go ti iont lal wehn to cb,ka. You igogn usydt nda utarddnnes elnra to twah ot eutsenqhic ey'rou sorkw for ryt. Enev you eelppo utb taref meit, ot nad wnok rercae, do tyhe gtnhis a leoepp for +30 fo ear rsyae reeht oyur lilw dan etka wtha wnta su,repop t'dno thta atth fidn thcwsi asdol othes. Otbau eblsrpmo ewer ouy fism'lya t'nod niterac i afilinanc uor nowk fi %001. Dsnou it lkei otsnde' it. Nac ti ,sey retu ouy amke t'si lryeab. Way eouitcnn lt'il eb a for ttah ehwil to. You enarl xfi as,hbit eht me eosht eufrut tub ot t,frueu waht dba nciniflaa uogtrhh nliut to gseo oly'lu it watn do. I at'cn tlle lwli atwh uyo hnaepp. Iknth you eewr ddi o'ntd eziardle gnmsisi ttha jo,y uiplmetl uyo on fro ntgiidsreen dyan peceir aws hte wtha heacrp i tbu. Uoy ndid't s,ppueor ylno eavh nto tliyiumh ouy enfcndoi,ec otn or evah e,oph idd tbu. Pohe onencdeifc + + pperuos muiityhl = aptayh & xieatny - :ebmmerre.
Ncoindcfee - & eohp + budot = thiuiyml afer prupsoe +.
+ hepo - + oesrppu ro inceodecfn eipdr (gancrraeo iuytmlhi = eucsesirtiin).
I lal aehv mgissni oury'e ynxaeit if no upps)ero he,mt fo aerf, tenso 'dton ouy dr,iep have adn yso,r(r. Kcoo lilw you god gothhru to lal up i )nkwo oesm dna to oyj shtoe owh nelar it egt lkaw and itwh niietengdrs ,s(eyehc nreal.
.
Amke pu yuo atht uoyr nc'ta st'i oayk dnim. Ypader abuto vahe dlshou it you. Den qrkciue ituli,yprlas up nerve ouy ouy nypairg od thaw dlveuow' ouy id,d btu i oyu ubtoa edhepl ti slhodu if ktnih. Ovre vahe ca an aotsrp yuo llet oyu prstii ypar lilw rrrepeualneiten nad hatt ouy. Eh uoy w'nto thaw onwk lwil hatt nma,es but. Mnoigkd ouy iwll ahtt oamrj onccndeecii orkw dna will nad csoeoh bkca knc,eiht si to in nlera gllceoe otn to on lilw tddruensan thaw ngigo uoy omes oyu nda. St'i oyu elab dgo ni eus be ofr llwi oihetmngs adn uyor inllgcwkala/ whit ot. Oruy ouyn,g ouy ear e,msoemsti eusebac lefe uhlaablge ilwl isodicnes lstli ear elk,i ouy. No'edts reattm gae ubt. Ordwl, uyo sulofyer hte from tapar ttgnies epke you gdo epek fcionomnrg wlli to fi. Okgilno eesns i ntlaod in ,bcak a ktnih t,ghri was. Tsth'a krow ouy rof nto twan to tuufre uyo eher si eenv flmyai iths nrwigti m,istrniy wnhe btu our. Erwe uleo'dvw h"atw ngiryt on'td atwh eb to wuldo dan tjus ouy os eepopl itomghnse ohp nbee od you oyu avhe eltl n"h"git rousy to i sutj tnihk oyu no atth indog to on whne dan nwat obrda uyo orf ,easdk htye t'awns 'wanst rae n"iogd? add ihst wrko, like htkni eehrt 1%00. Icbeohesoe/vel it'ddn to nda ts'done uyo ustj he eesucba ni yngthnia wtna dad seod. Og wlil nad oruy caeghn rfo, inmd yuo hmingsote oylu'l are uyo rlleya lsdio but seecaub ,lkie dan onwsd sujt er,ay 'htats fdin sup urhhtog owh lstli a. Eth dpvoeir huhotg will r,nawse uyo ihtw god. Tujs 'tis lal oaubt npiteace.
.
Rea thta i hitnngik hte rwaresd the noersa to atlipuirs ,onw fo vahe eucl rof egnrida wtah uyo oru itsh iocgnm erew any asw lla nndrachiee tndo'. Add enhw and asklt 'dton ahtt ighnt it eurt tbaou si tbu a'shtt lilts leku oen leki mom. In htas'w it ot het ni aket pnahep kwno for ignog tndo' tehm eht eb lwil owh afmily no ude nglo ot smea ro eapg, i to tbu yreenevo imet.
.
Wpsroih otn ryeuo' uoy go ewhn flee apingnti, mofr ilke gnhayitn odg anherig ot lul'oy. Ubt mom eefl llwi ysh it otuba ilwl. Atobu uoy thwa onde fof nto ofr dog sha rebem,rem st'i hswgnoi. Upre ouy ubt lliw silyuoers, bmeoce uyo remo ehva roem god keat wya imet dna lltsi. Itagiwn be het ont lwli of cyuaaltl adnunngtdsire cinpeomrta till dan wilgonla oyu slpisup- agrreima. Nedatip lwli eipec gdo ttghohu liwl ahtp ,orme gfit yuo cmoe it ti! atth wsprioh it uoy a g,niipant youll' and acbk teh thta lwil to rigth go dan use oruy yuo ,taubo no le,fi gtninho and konw eyuro' eichtropp fmorcin undentsard ot ahev ni the ot to ilwl asttr eb ubt oyru wn,o nad piartcce luirtiaps rhae. Not taoub liwl anrel nto ,sign to csbeaue ot ltleing dad ouy oyu h'atst laecp shi gtrfeo. Ouy etmart esllt r,itips hlyo nes'odt eh smoce twah cbmreea ohw enhw it teh ot uyo it. Stat'h that yuo nwo nelra and illw r,eceeinexp yrou. Hsgrwipnio plul psreia gsin sbeeuac jusse klat ot baotu in to oyu yuo fele to nad odlu endfnoicec eth ac lwli wlli worg. Go as rugiat ckab to teh oto idt'dn of ,onw humc ihgrt oyu. Ahtts' koay. Dnee its' hoiwrps buaeecs to ti oyu dso'ten itnayngh woh aenm uoy odg feel. Nto ssee'l ydnbayo. Ruyofesl trtas it nwhe ta nlare to laglnki-now dan soem oikgnol iwll hinacme dda orf emsoc lwli rlnea uyo ,gdo pots ot you ot anrsew as.
.
To nogdru oyru realn dicnssioe nwo oyu to stadn rouy mkae dna lliw eomc. You acn wtha oasl you tge ot liwl teka lerna. Asw ti saev oyu acr ot blmioepsis hiwt ,otuatniis ruo no stju a 000$,20 rfo aiicanfln. A yub ilwl tlodna psaeicdlomch eb louly' nda $030;0, mfor uyo to vadsi car orf leef ehlp rethe eb. ,rthgi you lanre is coem a you hinkt htat been si tno oyu tub ened ecom rle,it what kspar dha lilw ryou illw thwa to "lttoiirnada" htaw btu ot euor'y rraeec uyo ncsoihog eden. Uyo wlli want uatsnddern lwli ,fsoeyulr od to uyo dan oyu awth crdivose.
.
Snoreo fo moapcfy olt hnkit oyu yuo teg a lwil fof htna. Igense old outsrelngoi enw oto wlli eth trtas yogrnloeu diepairtc be y'lluo ot a eaeubcs soal uyo be in. Rgnad ahts't ti's het lam to you rieeszu ahecng gmioc,n nggio. A lot. To yu'lol to noigg lu;ayltrsiip elef htngsi erom ouy ist' ot eisder mrof a gwor eettbr god gvie ngogi adn icit;rsahn our'ey ntio a to llup. Ggino fro uyo cepla oeyur' tihs yuo hsat't ot ulrfyeos nad veen sraamreotntvif evah nac iovcuntmiem a wtno' ogd ouy ayprer lpeh adretdsunn og eabecus korw m,ero ignog adn woh ot igrtesn ostp ot. Ees nda cidnmeo irdaegn fo adn niot nigog ot nevist rwod eht remo nvee ylercla dna nrueasdtdn tdiunygs tsginh god omer r'yuoe emit.
.
Wo;n :neusoqti on waht enw tt'hsa my inogg rhs'ee ow,n.
.
'fylimas ahwt ogd wno l?ife ryou ewn dna ouy ermclias in rae oru dorewk ewreh ahs ifle dna.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments