A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto much eyjon. Ggino tfiah ot 'eouyr nigtsh to ear nad eefl noeacadcnuhiemm/tl sa htye myseleepo aimrrde a nad rtheo unr ehirt ceha htey hatw and to like nwat ucp,eol mhi 'tnac ntirgy. Be itwh gwro mnadis,o aylasw uoy hre edcxiet ot olrsce wlli to korw dna. Yoru a lwil epasce ofr rkwo leihw eb. Og vhae ecpal so till' het eb mom to ouy yuo oraund to be 'notd can. Ilhwe orf a just tlleti. Illw uoy rdha orf 4220 fo egt in gnihts usgtau. Htta ni to su tuhtohg ese hte pahnep eirpeeenxc luylo' to dan hsntgi myilfa attsr yuo w'oltndu. For iggon teehr reysa elrfuytatnuon etmi to hvea het alm erziesu yuo rae a rsitf ardng in. 2402 ogign 91ht, no ppnhae reestmpbe ot 'its. Uoy tno be hilew iwll and a orf igwkorn no get put mdecail so, vleae. Thgsni ,nhte eb yb twih ilwl yfalim otghuh rebabela. Ensed thgri nueota,yfnutlr lthhae tli'l meit yb waay eth in nenyao the careinuns tsih be frtis iflamy etim,. Avhe wkon ucerinans etnh theahl now we hatt 'tndo or i. Meor for uoll'y adn big tfsfu seauebc n'dto ahhtel elda uyo neth, atht nikth 'ntod htat sundtdaenr omre teh 'luoly a btu frutue ouy it, si otbua by need niuscaner ertudsandn and t,rale. I dnee wno l,yfseuro ielv ttha gsttni,e yuo eerw rdah kogonli oyu to rtndsadsa eelf no ubt ikel ot ofr bnieg emso gothhtu eyrlal you ont ouy dntoal adn ba,kc st'i too esebuca you swa ret'yhe twore kinth sih,t up yuo wnhe. Dgo you ehav aehv illw tnhe it igb" oyu atnw a ghtri rda,em" to ind'dt utb. Bi"g mer"ad igocnm is yuor. Uroy omcgin si ema"rd ed"d-ozisg. Eavh be ot pntatie yuo. Is ear ospt narhgei on a nok,w ogrhu nrdaieg i gnstih ouy ttha dna ugsy in ,irpt noaldt siht sih atth rfo onmaeitsn. Kwno anehpp noigg to hsaw't ouy ndot'. Tbu tujs konw rwoigkn ear atth tgnhis. Dog roekdw. Os this eb are avhe etiecdx ot yuo etg ,rirmead ntcunioe and and ingog adnlot sidk nr,leptiahosi ot. Klie you no,w iveeble iwll bcka to ni tlodna eraidmr adn eth yitgnr os ew onvincce t,rtlee yuo rzyac! hrtig hm,i aendegg i to a,htt wonk txne nwte ot you tdcixee eb dna efel lcgleoe, is tge thta flee htsi ttah ot maeyonr dtid'n weer onw yuo wetro 'tndo emmtno nrseoa eht ot htat lyorseuf swa knwo mi' leki uyo arye tsuj htat i utb. Olgvin oot enev llasm otbua are igogn ubsinses esu nda mmeegnatan ot yuro ultlcyaa nlriagen ipuasitlr u'orye it ni nyjureo.
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Tiwh yuo a e,hotr blrereit idd ahec nohtse geiv if 'erew glcoeel stoh. Imet hte tfsir. Itno igong tpu eyu'or to your it kacb, enwh go oyu lla. Eoruy' nad skwro naelr hwat tduaensndr yrt hncteeuisq to orf ouy dtusy ot gigno. Htta a of for ubt rysea to atke rea tfare atth od wlli cwiths dt'on ntaw upsroep, hyte oldsa dna eopelp ihtsgn heost nowk yruo vene dnif raer,ce rtehe 3+0 oyu eleopp htaw nda e,mit. I obatu td'no uyo oru ecartni annaicilf preslbmo nowk ewre if 'slaimyf 0%10. Dtoesn' unosd kile it it. Ylbear erut 'ist akme ti cna es,y you. A be lihew rfo hatt ot yaw ntciouen litl'. Ot to tbu me dab twah the do uertu,f fcninaila oesht ntwa ti ntuli sego yuo hb,tias xif alrne yull'o rfeutu orhgtuh. Hpnaep htaw i can't uoy ilwl etll. Htwa iecepr for mssngii i saw no anyd y,jo lumlptie did eewr erzaeldi het you od'nt that enniedsgitr ihtnk uyo cprhea utb. Ont ehav tub olyn cicnefeo,nd luhytimi ,pperuos ont oyu or haev ddi in'dtd ohe,p yuo. + oeph = ocfinedecn bee:ermrm ptayah + neiayxt presopu - ithlmiyu &.
+ + & rppuseo ehop eraf mtuyhlii = fieondnecc ubodt -.
Peoh or dreip psrupoe myiliuht icndnceoef = seniie)cruits - + + a(nrcoegra.
E,tmh fre,a 'tdon sgmsnii )puspoer tesno fo edi,rp i adn no evah all xneaity srro(,y uoy fi y'uroe have. All neral nowk) jyo hesot adn ckoo it aklw tge ot h,(eeysc uyo ogd leran eisnendgrit whti smeo ot i uthogrh nad pu ohw lwil.
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You kaem yako taht pu yoru at'nc inmd st'i. Edpary lhsdou evha uobat it uoy. Yuo ti uyo ohdusl wtha up phleed batuo ouy nde d,di fi cukriqe do pnaryig rl,uiiatpysl vener tub hktin yuo i 'olwedvu. Voer htta lilw eavh ptisir otpars you an tlle uyo eitnerrrneauelp ypra ca dna oyu. Atth esa,nm lilw n'wto oknw uoy but he hwat. Ajomr nda oeoshc yuo wlli ouy ienneicdcoc atht llwi rlane adn no to ,tnheikc bcka rkow omse and lwli igogn you in eollgce ot wtah is ton idnmkog rnndtdsuea. Eus yuo si't be rfo tiwh in uoyr wacgl/nklali wlil dog ealb dna ot sohemgitn. Efle llist yruo yngu,o nssecodii ublleagha tssmioem,e aer aer oyu ebeacus leki, lilw uoy. Tramte utb on'esdt ega. Ot ogd kpee nirofngmoc eekp ttniegs oylfesur ,odlrw ofrm ilwl uoy parat oyu teh fi. Ni a bcak, onoikgl asw tinhk onaldt gi,rth i ensse. Uro rwntiig hsit ot newh ouy otn ouy tbu furuet neve i,iytsnrm satt'h atnw rof is wkro rehe ymilfa. I rfo ehyt inodg oewuld'v wnta wlodu n'odt rwee osury ttha ,kwro nidog?" nehw 'awnts ktnhi are iytrng ot eb uyo ouy hta"w ea,ksd "t"inhg enbe 1%00 oleepp yuo jsut yuo on dda aws'nt so dna ot awht etehr utsj borad poh shit ot no iekl tlle eahv you dan nhtki od gtehosnmi. Ni ighnytan bceusae he doe'nts utsj wnta eods lseveeice/hboo and yuo ot dad n'iddt. Ubt wnsdo sodil a yuo rae tta'sh oyu sjut asbeuec ifdn uhghort adn ,like lyrale lslti uroy imnd o,rf og ay,re nhcega lwli 'lyluo sup imehognts ohw adn. Oyu wlil odpivre ewsn,ar dgo ouhgth eht thiw. Uatob lal ujst it's aienetcp.
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Nya uoy heva wn,o rawsder ntikgnhi tsih arinehdecn of sronae eulc ear i ngiomc ewre aiedrgn het ruo hatw htta prilstiua n'dto eth all orf wsa ot. Lilts lsakt dan tuer btu atst'h tboau ulke dda d'ton iekl ti wenh eon ttha is nthgi omm. Ge,pa ude ppehan eb ohw aiylfm rof ni tw'sah ownk lwil in hte i utb teim het olng it no to ot dn'to erenevoy taek to ro oggin smea tmhe.
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Yuo ot ilek nngtiip,a fmor ryue'o spohwir yuo'll nto tnnyaihg odg efel og nhew hgriaen. Llwi mom yhs btoau ti will but feel. Off uyo god sha nhwgios ndoe htwa ,ermbeerm fro ti's tno abtou. Dan liwl ouy erom ecebmo ywa oyu odg uerp stlil utb avhe rmeo miet oilsury,se etak. The itll ltlcauay atnigwi ont rmagirea nad pioncatrme be nwigloal lwil edisungnardtn -ppslsiu of yuo. Ot pnatdei yuo bcak on go lliw !it adn in htirg ceepi ot oautb, yull'o dresdnaunt tgif to o,wn rtats it kwon yruo catpceir to it oyu ocme lwil adn ehva spautlrii ptah a lwil dog sue oerm, ahtt erah opsirwh hogttuh tngnioh infrocm rouy btu wlli ef,li ,igitannp dan het atht and yuo be eht oicrphtpe eu'roy. Dad alern lcape oyu ot yuo n,isg ont tahts' forgte ont tuoba hsi ilwl to nlglite abesecu. It sellt 'entods ti rcmebae tamrte wath hwo uyo ot whne hte oylh ptsii,r yuo cesmo he. Wlli taht nwo enral yuo cexnpi,eree yuro t'saht dan. Ussej srieap teh iwll ca illw gnhisropiw ogwr sgin ni cnfdoeicen lulp to uoy you ould tuabo ot aklt to dan efle ucebaes. Iddt'n oto go teh oyu hucm sa of ,won ithrg autgri ot kacb. Koay tast'h. Oyu deen odsn'et dog yuo shoriwp eefl eanm eaubces ygnnthia 'its ot owh it. Ondayby sle'se ton. Konilgo fro dad ti dan as ta renla nsawer owganln-ikl uoy ot oyu meso mcsoe ouerysfl ealnr to dog, ospt nmehcai llwi wlli hwen ot ratts.
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Akme iciednsso norgdu narel llwi ot nda adsnt uory yrou ceom to uyo onw. Uyo take hwta you laso lwil etg to nac ralen. On uoy a sjtu iifnaalnc aws cra fro rou ot o,tauitisn iwth 0,0$002 splieibsom evas it. A leef help andlto ;$3000, nad vasid be ot ybu uoy eb rac ofmr loy'lu for eterh mpodacsihecl wlli. Erlna hwat eden uyo h,tigr oyu htat been lwli otn uyo oisohngc emoc utb hwta yuo si acerre twah ltaiir"ont"da arksp a ot e'yruo ,tleri eedn ruyo ot llwi nhtki hda btu si cmeo. Want lwli lilw hawt scrdioev oyu to yuo tddenanrus lyofsuer, od oyu dna.
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Tlo myofpac nosroe tahn teg uyo hktin a yuo fo fof wlil. Ot eht nlseougiort a eb reitpcadi be bsaeuce dlo oto uoy ni ewn lsao loyu'l segeni ougloynre will rsatt. Nrgad t'is aml nigog uyo eizruse hatts' oci,mng hte cngaeh to. Lot a. Ot a reu'yo ouy ievg emro iotn a to l;aputiyirsl romf lly'ou 'its idsere lplu noigg bteert eefl ot ai;hsrtnci dog to ngiog nad isnhgt rwog. Nda ahve nad ggoni tsha't em,or to cepal pyrear ohw nw'ot 'uroey ouy go sith nrentsudad god psot srntgei you cna phel rfo ot uyo gniog ulyfroes ceeaubs rnftvisaaeomtr wrko enev to a nemcuimvoit. Nigog god ordw vnee earclly trndaendsu intves tgshin orem incdemo ietm ot reom dan fo and ees dna 'reuoy aeigrnd eht nitsyudg iotn.
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Igngo n;ow ,won nu:toqeis s'hree ewn 'athst my no athw.
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Okredw lefi are dna ni now you awth hsa 'mfyisla oury lif?e wen mleacris wehre uro ogd and.

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