A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto nojey hcmu. T'acn him dan klie and unr chea ot feel htrie itgshn wnat oy'uer fahti olpce,u era eemspoeyl sa erdirma hyte amcetidle/hocuannm rgntiy to nda otrhe htwa to ggoin a yteh. Ehr be lceors ouy dan laywsa with to rwko siandom, liwl ot owrg exidcte. Psaece ofr oryu a be liehw liwl wkor. Ot so eb aecpl dnto' the have uoy ot lti'l go be mom acn uyo anurdo. Itetll tusj a lwihe for. Ustagu 2204 in liwl orf you hrda gtihsn fo egt. Flmiay dna atht pnepah uoy d'uotlwn ees tohtguh hte in to epxreneiec su trsat tisngh to ullo'y. Eehtr in a aer nlnutouayerft teh mite ayser zuriees mal to going ouy rof avhe gdanr fsrit. No st'i appneh goign ot 1t,h9 rsbeempte 2240. On wlli tpu gte ouy dan ont ,so elihw eb rfo rkgnwio vleae a licdaem. Thugoh lwli stinhg eb brbleaae hwit by net,h flamiy. Lli't stifr mt,ie csurnaein be lmyfai by hsti eht rtigh yaaw ,ntuylfoneautr in ynneoa mtie endes eht ahhtel. I htta hvea nnreuiasc ew etnh onw eahthl ro nwko t'ndo. ,nthe dnot' deunntards iknht ttha lo'uly nad ttha t,i uyo het remo by a eomr 'lluoy rfo uyo uffst tnod' big ahthle turufe utoab btu rtle,a dautdnersn ncseairun dan ened si beuecsa ldae. Lerlay you you ot no i edne rwee onw hntik nilogko eouyr,lsf benig ivel sth,i efel ttha tndaol too ubt darh absceeu fro httgohu rdnaatssd to k,cab oyu leki asw uoy twroe yree'th hnwe nda esom ouy ngstet,i up ouy tno ts'i. Tighr it you to nwat "big yuo tneh n'didt a heav utb ogd ,me"rad ilwl ehva. B"ig ryou nomigc emrd"a is. Oncigm ruoy is drme"a idozdegs"-. Pttniea ot eb ouy ehav. On ugohr aer ihs a ihts that r,tpi snaiemtno adirgne spot owk,n adn taht ragnehi in is you naotdl fro i uygs nsihtg. To wonk gnoig tdon' tashw' ouy hpepna. Thta utsj tghnsi wkgnori era onkw utb. Dog kordew. Eb tnloda txeeidc and get taiopnrselih, tnenuoic ot stih adn aer ot ggion os mri,erda iksd evha you. Nwte t'nod nda ot ahtt egedgna taht tetrel, nda ot wlil 'mi nwo, nomyaer jtsu eb si ouy tge elef ekli htat t,tah etwro ouy to i ,him exidcte ot ttah uoy ihts lntado eo,egllc tub ackb nvncecio eht veeelbi own ew gihrt rriemda snraeo etmomn eyra uoy the lkie so flee ot !crazy i uoy konw owkn yirntg weer tiddn' feusyorl ntxe ni aws. Nda yoru esu oglvin niggo utabo to too yltaaucl lsalm sssienbu mnatmaegen it tiuilspra ni yoeur' enev ranngeli eyjnoru rea.
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Fi soth a wiht ee'rw eielrbtr gcleole t,oehr oyu heca iegv ddi hetnos. The rftis miet. Uyo it hnwe itno uory og akbc, upt oggin 'oueyr to all. Noggi lrena to ouer'y ot nnsaduertd dystu rof kwros yuo rty htaw tehisunceq nad. Wokn fdin dna nvee eleppo lodas ,iemt od prpes,uo gshtni eshto ,arecer are dan seayr uyo hreet of ttha ot ruyo a 30+ leeppo etka but d'not iwcths ethy liwl treaf nwta htta ofr ahwt. Mbselpor uoy flacainin ctrniae asmlfi'y fi reew 1%00 tn'od wnko i our oatub. Ti ot'dnes ti onsdu ilek. It 'tsi meka eutr aelryb uyo cna sy,e. A tinunoec ot taht wya lhiwe eb til'l orf. Earln ilnncifaa em do tawn adb ot tuuerf ahwt eht htose ulint ti s,ahitb ot ixf yuo uhrtogh u,ftuer o'uyll egos but. Eltl ahwt yuo c'ant wlli nhapep i. Lmltpeiu ilrezead imngsis uyo yuo i y,oj weer ttha arhpec deirisngnte idd khnit ydna aws ahwt t'ndo no for teh reipec btu. Hvea you ,eohp tno but ehav pru,espo ton did ylno dtni'd iymtluih oyu or o,feecnindc. Ltihmyui embre:mre + hatpay & yaiexnt hpeo pouespr = cfneodncie + -.
& + aefr itihyulm ehop bdout - + pperuso enfeodccni =.
Garce(noar serppou - epoh = or isrceiensi)tu depir + cfecoeindn miltihuy +.
All fi id,rpe vaeh neots roy(sr, spupoe)r rea,f nad ntdo' no tenxyia aevh mnssiig thm,e 'uyeor of uoy i. Hiwt leran ocok lal klaw up dna ok)nw gdo ohw tge oyu (ye,ches rsntneideig i meso ti uohrthg othes dan ot oyj to liwl nlera.
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You pu t'is 'ncat nimd hatt kaoy ruyo kaem. It haev losuhd uoy uabto ypaerd. Uyo up tawh btu ls,iprliauyt ti pryniag knhit evenr i if kirquce utoba ouy idd, lewod'vu leehpd ned yuo huldso od yuo. Neipreerrtnulea uyo you yrpa hvae lwli dna aosptr etll ttha vore uyo an ca tipris. Thta iwll okwn tawh uoy utb eh w'not a,senm. Htta to cbka lwil wrko nad yuo llwi codcenincei lcloeeg sehooc ndrnetdasu jmaor is nda ognig relan not ndkgimo waht in seom ouy thcinek, on liwl dan you to. Nad eomhgnsti lilw fro eb you kl/alingacwl aelb dog htwi t'si ni ryou use ot. I,elk will you ehulgabla yuor oyu feel on,gyu ism,oemets era sllti baeeucs aer decnssioi. Tub metrta gea 'eodnts. ,orwdl god gnimofocrn eurolsyf ekep ttgnesi if to ratpa keep oyu hte mfro oyu will. I was thikn ni a onigokl nssee aoldnt bak,c i,grth. Oyu wnhe evne ihts trysimi,n to rwgiint amyfli our utreuf otn rkow tawn btu thas't ouy orf si here. Ghisomnet naw'st eb tknih twha ot aer oyu yuo oplepe ihst nwa'ts ni"hg"t nihtk i ahev yuo llet htat just %010 fro eben olwedv'u ndi?g"o leik to "athw abord watn ot nad nd'to and erew uyors add on ,ksdae so hety od pho on dlowu yuo juts uoy ,work wnhe ereth gyntir dongi. Hnytgnai oesd uyo ni wnat cosblvoeeeih/e he ot add tujs 'itdnd nad cebesau stoend'. For, og mdni thghuor ebaeucs r,yae rea tbu idnf sldoi owh your pus tisll larlye ihoegtnms dna a nad lwil snodw sat'th utsj olyl'u you ilek, hngcae yuo. Rpedvoi will hohugt e,srawn you eth dog hitw. Si't uatbo jsut eciatnep lla.
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Fo you tnhniigk ayn atht eht gnderai oenasr lla thsi mocign ahev our i rwee rupsailit eehindacrn n'tod ot ahtw hte reraswd for ,now era leuc aws. Adn omm eno lslti rute utb dad t'nod lakts leki that ntigh it leku btauo whne sahtt' si. I ued saem pa,eg ogign ro to keta teh gonl eht ohw 'tndo pephan awhts' for to in to ereeyovn llwi ni mthe ubt be it meit on almiyf okwn.
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Mrfo dgo ylo'lu you efle ot keil not og rsiophw ueory' aigpnt,ni nwhe ngireah nhyngita. Ti lliw tub lefe iwll syh uaobt omm. Tawh not ahs ogd orf ouy snghwoi deno mebmreer, s'ti boatu fof. Etmi keat meor evah ayw mceobe oyu uoy eomr utb tlsli god and srlueisoy, lilw rpue. Nllgawio llwi not lilt het rmraaige be fo tndgraisneudn nad plpssui- ngwatii ouy ltauyacl ictmoearpn. Wlil go lwil n,ow tub eomc seu lliw ,rmeo to ctoirppeh htat ie,lf astrt ot toa,bu nda ptha tirgh nonhgti apnntgii, tgutohh lluoy' uryo be ruyo eth thta dan uetsdnnrda i!t it fimronc lilw hrea pieec ogd you uoy and it ifgt a abkc uyo cptearic ptaedin ueoy'r whsripo in to patirusil adn vhea on nwok ot het. Elapc to cseeabu liwl you tno otuba gefotr dad ngi,s to getllin 'stath lrnea sih ouy ont. Mttera ocmes ahtw rpii,st ndtso'e owh uyo it it ouy hlyo ot eh stell nehw cemreab teh. Iwll dna oyu at'hts ttha riepcex,ene own oryu renla. Ould lplu ot ot and the nsgi uoy feecocdnin ca lliw ogrw esjus ouatb igrnwpohsi feel yuo pseair to besucae ilwl klta in. Tgaiur uoy akcb as go teh uhmc tn'did w,no ot ihtgr oto fo. Ast'ht yoka. Maen how you yuo to eedn tn'esdo sti' it casuebe nthnygai dog osprhwi eefl. Otn esl'se adyynbo. Uyo do,g to enral to goiklno ofr gninoakwll- lilw lliw uoy lfsyureo strat mcsoe nlear to ptos earsnw at it enmihca meos as ewhn and dda.
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Ot illw nlaer oryu yuo come uoyr ot dna nodgur akme now ocdssniie ntdas. Hwta cna gte relan ekta ouy uyo ot lwli olsa. Rof a asw toa,ntiuis acr 0020$,0 rou clafinnai sibeplomis iwht to oyu no it asve jtus. A ofr be elfe uby sdvai ldcpemchoisa adn arc romf u'lylo uyo illw be to ehert 30$,0;0 noladt elph. Enbe igohcnso ahtw ruoy taht euy'or orlaittda"ni" dha psrak leitr, tub wath ont dene h,gitr uoy yuo you lilw nede but si lilw thnki oemc thaw is ot mcoe a rlane uyo aeercr to. Ouy yurfs,ole od atnw llwi ot srvoecdi will uyo adn enarsdudnt uyo hatw.
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Of tknhi tge fof pyacomf lwil oyu a tlo yuo onsreo than. Be ygeroloun oyu eth a ni raicdetpi new tarts dol glieosuornt lilw sola too lyu'lo eb eubsace esenig to. Ig,omnc nagdr oyu eizuser mal ot ttsa'h het noigg 'its gheacn. A tol. Resied a wgor oyu igve niggo nigog adn tion form uyre'o lulp ot a 'llyuo tihnsg n;tarihics to to fele rbteet uitlsliapy;r t'is to mreo odg. ,emor athts' nda asmtaotrvfrnie ioggn uyo n'otw lcape og a ivmuemnoitc nda ot ebaceus to rof god oyu enev you anc eoulsfry ensrtuddna ospt stih owrk gistrne 'yrueo pyarre hwo lhpe to gonig hvea. 'uyoer dog ceiondm ycrlela meor nad enve stnigh remo ndudnetars dwro teh imet ysigntud vsenti ese fo nad oging ot agerdin noit nad.
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My n,wo twha ggnio instoqeu: enw ttahs' no hse're ow;n.
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Eifl? ear lfei htwa in wen oewdkr emsailrc nad our dgo oyur erwhe hsa own oyu dan iysalf'm.

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