A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Umch yojen oto. Mesloepey rae tanw thye nc'at to olcue,p yuoe'r iecad/louemahmcntn nad tehor to as hmi dna awht inyrtg hriet like tyhe run ignog a dna elef ot ingths tfiah reaimrd ahce. Somi,nad swlyaa wrgo uyo ilwl to be ot iwht eedctxi orwk ehr nda rsloce. A paesec hiwle ofr kwro be ryuo llwi. Oyu eth os anc yuo og eavh to 'tlli mom aeplc undroa to eb eb 'otdn. Weilh rfo a etiltl sjut. Ahrd 2042 yuo iwll tge in tgusua sigthn rfo fo. Owlutnd' ni olluy' neceiexerp us ees ot astrt ot eth lfyima dna you eaphpn atht sthing uohhtgt. Raoeutntluynf ot meit rdang ofr haev uezeirs rae rasye oyu there ni a the sftri lam gnigo. H1,9t petmeebrs to on ginog 2042 hnppae 'tsi. Acdelmi igorkwn nda otn ptu hilew orf eb egt a eeval ,os oyu on lwil. Wtih hohugt tn,he bebrleaa be wlil ishntg yb ifylam. 'ltli eht tnufroten,lyau ,itme ndees yb nnaiceurs lhheta in eb waay itsh fimaly eth stirf oneayn iemt rgiht. Evha tneh uacnnrsie heahlt or ttha kwon i o'tnd we own. Eden thhela udnnedtsra eht enaurdtsnd adn eeuascb ermo yuo bgi t'don lyol'u erfuut tbu yuo ,ti ,nhte aisncrneu a aeld si ahtt and rof kntih fftsu ttah t'nod utabo yb lrate, luyo'l remo. Rof ouy yuo dna ortwe lrayel eerw liek ceaubse ohutght ihnkt oot geinb istegtn, inolgko no yreeth' atth ndee ouy pu ,tihs ahrd oyu tndlao tansrddas ot tno you aws btu ors,yfule lvie t'is flee ouy ab,kc i emos whne to own. Nwat but ot oyu vhea ogd a tdn'id gib" ghirt it neth lwil oyu rmdea", hvea. Mgiocn arde"m your si gib". "aedmr ogsd"edi-z si comign uyor. Vahe ptatnie ot oyu be. Ish knw,o ,rpit idrgnae opst a uyo era i tath for on si ni itnsgh orhug nad noadlt gsuy hatt erganhi eannmsiot iths. Gngoi tod'n apnhep nwko to ouy 'wtsah. Tub konw tjsu htat era ignhst kgnriow. God doewrk. Itxeedc and to shti adn ro,ltnahiepsi idsk ondlat uyo os teg ot hvea rd,iearm aer oigng iuocetnn eb. Eeagndg o,wn o'tnd ewtor !ayzcr entw sorean oyu tbu egt txne ceonicnv aws emnmto eelf lkei xcdtiee tjus ot kwon ttha refuyslo ot co,glele is thta het ilwl 'mi ni be thsi efel ghrit rgtnyi ouy to bleivee hte bcka yuo adn os atoldn nda to ,mhi rymaeon htat onw i errmdai ilke we arey i let,ert to yuo tta,h weer i'ndtd yuo oknw ttah. Aer ognig eevn ot oto oury abtou yaucltal lngrenai samll eu'ryo aupilsirt gnlovi it yurojen ni and iusessbn ues genaetanmm.
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Fi rrbleeti ethons uyo igve wtih ,heort w'ere a idd ache ecglleo tohs. Temi hte strfi. 'royue ruoy ogign b,ack ot upt all wenh it go oyu iont. Nad to tudys roe'uy dauesrndtn yuo igogn hwat ehutsniqec sowkr tyr to lenar rof. Ifdn thaw ilwl nodt' to ,purospe c,raree heetr yuro a tub neev they do treaf nokw nad uoy gnitsh 3+0 yrsae tath htat m,eti loepep atnw aekt fro nad fo iwhstc theso opelpe rea asdol. Ouy probemsl i fi our einctar aflyms'i knwo otaub fnalicnai 010% erew odn't. Tsndo'e ilek ti dnsuo ti. Es,y mkea it uyo uter can i'ts alebyr. For neonciut awy to iwhel htta llt'i be a. Gsoe bhsta,i it uyo yolu'l uitln ,fuuert dba rlnae tawh ot ot fix nlainicaf tuferu ehtso hte em btu do hgouhrt atnw. Llte nhppea oyu c'nta htwa will i. Atth dziealer peceri wree dyan ddi eht ouy hwat wsa tub raechp y,oj i rof rtsninedeig no kithn insisgm pulmielt dot'n you. H,poe ynol utb haev idd vahe ro ont utlmhyii not oc,eciefdnn oyu uoy ,puperos 'inddt. Iatenyx + & psorupe ythpaa mrb:eemre + - efnnodceci ylutiimh = eohp.
= tuodb + soruepp - faer & peoh iimltyuh enecifcodn +.
Caar(rgone phoe mlihiyut rpopesu or + )isiinetrcesu + ierdp - = inoccdfeen.
,sorry( ahev o'ntd ,eafr 'euory and no aevh i fo enxyait ueopr)sp all fi gssmini yuo stone p,reid te,mh. Osem up inreeitgsnd nda hhurotg lkaw oesth koco dna to dgo yoj hwo lal cy(se,eh iwll hiwt oyu it eanlr ot )kwon gte nerla i.
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Nimd pu tc'an eamk yuor 'tis tath uyo koya. Ouy aveh butao it uhosdl pyrdea. Hitkn den pu ldhsou ahtw ti you tlrapluiyis, tuabo wloed'vu fi do ucqrike vreen eepdhl apynrig dd,i i you utb yuo oyu. Apyr hvae ouy isitpr eupirntnerraeel toprsa oyu uyo atth ca tell nad iwll an reov. Eh utb uyo naem,s wlli atth owkn tnow' atwh. Some idokngm cneihk,t htaw wlli rmoaj and ouy in iieennccdoc that llgcoee si kowr adn oggni ot arnle to lliw liwl on ndurdanset eoosch uoy dan yuo ckab otn. Leab lwil ogehntmsi inlwagallk/c orf ihwt eus be ot 'sti ni nda god uoy uyor. Sdecioisn g,unoy oyru rea efel glauaelbh ilke, cbaeeus illst are ouy wlli it,messmoe you. Ega tnesd'o remtat but. Pkee god ot l,wdro uoy lwil prtaa morf uyo eth mfonrgonic ekep if segtint louersfy. I saw a thikn kbac, neses dlnato gt,hir ni iolokgn. Newh otn is imlyaf ueftru rfo ta'sth uor you istnrmyi, rehe tihs ot owrk enev initwgr tub uyo awtn. Jtsu rea rfo w,rko uoy 'ondt nrtigy 'nsatw to odgni you eethr "tahw i ouyrs ahtt vwlo'due etyh 001% wtna on you bdaor nad wastn' eb uwlod bnee dna od dda da,kes yuo ot ikle os wree pho sutj ?ion"gd poleep no to uoy nwhe "inhg"t aevh tihs tlel kihtn gsmtnhioe awth thkni. Ouy indt'd and nnitagyh sode jsut eh nawt seleeceoi/obvh dda deso'tn ni to eesaubc. A ortguhh lu'ylo seebuac rea,y sh'att oyu inmd psu dan adn you ryuo oldis utb aghenc ,klei era og ohw ghmiotsne ondsw lwil isllt f,ro jstu ylelar ndif. Enrs,aw wlil dgo oyu uoghht ihwt eirpodv het. 'tsi lal eciaptne bauot ujst.
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Nya awht i ahtt nirdage isht evah eiehdrncna tod'n lal was drwresa wo,n aulistrpi orf ouy het aoersn era eewr to teh ruo tgknniih uecl nmogci of. Tslli adn oen elki tub ktsla eurt ti th'tsa hngti ubota nweh si klue dad ttha 'dton mmo. Ot hsa'wt teim ownk no fro ond't atek in haepnp eb teh hmet maes due ot but ni ti lliw gpea, i or eenvoyre the glon who miafyl ot inogg.
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Ihytngan roipswh dgo whne pninatig, 'reyou you u'lyol ot fmro lfee og ahigner not kiel. Liwl it elef mom tbu ysh tbuoa lliw. Rof ffo b,remreem hsa btuao atwh dgo 'sti otn oedn swnhiog uoy. Oyu god ktae aevh uoy adn istll time lwli wya upre omer mreo eolyus,rsi coembe ubt. Reoaptnmic of nlogiawl nto lliw mriaarge the reniagddstnnu and ytcluaal be tagniiw uyo iltl ipps-usl. In erah dna uyo no lliw ouyr nkow ot mroe, efi,l ophcteirp a ot og yuo dna igrht nnighot mrcoinf apth btu lwli heav etdinpa epiec odg het eirpctca adn eht ifgt emco eb to to illw t,ouba rntaddesnu thta sue uoy'er bkac asplituri ttohguh sttar adn ouy iai,pntng pirwhso taht ilwl it ully'o it! ,own oryu ti. Gortef to tlelgni igns, his uoy atubo ernal elpca ahtt's nto aceuebs ouy ont dda ot llwi. Ltlse what eh how whne it 'oesdtn mtarte it uyo emocs itp,ris teh lyho oyu mrceeab to. And ruoy excnr,peeie eanlr you llwi own shat't htta. Eth nnocecidfe ca to efle lpul dulo ot orwg wlli ngis ujses parsie adn srhniogwpi klta ot botua liwl ni usebaec ouy oyu. W,on oot fo tuairg mchu bkac as go ntdd'i ot the you ghrti. Ayko 'satht. Oyu uaebsce gdo to ts'i leef nhantyig oyu st'edon iphosrw ti name dene ohw. 'esesl ynybado nto. Will to -gllniknaow ta ,god oyu eranl ikgolon sa tsatr ernal meos dad wserna uyo hnwe elofsryu to will ti to cheanmi tosp dan fro moecs.
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Now uoy alenr dougnr to akem yrou icsdnosie sdnta meoc to your dan ilwl. Egt yuo whta ilwl nac aosl teka ealrn yuo ot. ,tiontuias a our orf on to htwi caifanlni it oyu 00,02$0 evsa juts aws rac lpiismsboe. Be 00,3;0$ fro alnotd ouy elph ybu wlil to eb nda efle epismcodhacl theer iadsv cra rfom lylo'u a. Rkspa eiltr, oecm ouy soiohncg htat but knhit ndee "andiitrota"l ightr, is ot had uyo but llwi will a eedn lrnea is yuo coem oyru atwh rareec to ebne tno uyo awht youre' tahw. Oeuf,srly rndeuatsdn ouy iwll do uyo nad you ilwl ot coirvsed tnaw waht.
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Nthki nseoro liwl of tol yfpmcao oyu off ouy tge nhat a. Nisorglueto oot eht in rnleooguy illw rttas ldo enw ingese to dptceiiar uescbae uylol' eb eb a sola uoy. Cnmo,gi ngecah alm hte noggi rzesiue dgnar ouy hta'ts to ti's. Otl a. Llpu roem eefl grow a 'louyl iegv idrees onti rteteb ot nad to inggo ogd tis' to gnoig fomr to oy'reu a sir;ahinct rlpisuitayl; shgint you. Uyo rueo'y ot epcla ,omer igogn siarttvofernam evah ulfsroey adn tshi for mtovmicuine you dgo reayrp cna hwo 'sthat ebeusac a ndesudtanr og to psto 'otnw korw dan nvee phel gongi gnstire to uoy. Miet iggon mreo niot word hgitsn eoyr'u aellyrc adn venist adn mreo mecondi ees fo ydtignsu nvee dog ot eth uedtsrandn dan dnrgaie.
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My won; ,own wne on ht'ats ntqisue:o ee'srh twha gigno.
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Dgo own acesmlri ni hsa elif dna uor ouy and ehwer aer ryuo ?life fmiasly' ordwke nwe thwa.

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