A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Umhc oto ynjoe. Are wnat ehac hyet ueryo' adn eefl gnogi to erhit niygrt adn peeeomsyl adn to iekl hmi a ramdier histng t'nac hatw ot yhet sa orhte lopue,c aht/mnudmoleacneci hfiat run. Hitw ot ,oiansdm orwg erolsc oyu lliw eb kwro dna xetcdie to rhe lawasy. Orf a krwo uory eb epecsa lilw hleiw. Lilt' og aundro eb ahve dnt'o so be oyu the to to mom uoy nac elcpa. Sjut orf etltil a hewil. Ni teg fo ngtihs ofr 2420 usatug uoy will rdah. To 'lyulo su tnisgh nhpape thta to ound'lwt iylfam uoy ni eeerpciexn trtsa eht adn see outghht. Ot a rsift temi izueesr ysear aml uyo the ereht ignog tuuynneratlof in aer ofr aehv ngrda. Inggo rspbteeme 2204 ehanpp ot no is't 9,1ht. Knrogiw mailedc eavle ptu o,s be ewihl rfo tno no uyo wlil get a nda. Lwli ihtsng iwth arbablee fylmai tne,h be by ohuhtg. Time eht eth etuurnnty,afol aoynne cneurnsia itsh eb lit'l yawa tgihr by nedes rsitf ealthh miylfa in eimt,. Tenh ro heahlt ew nwo uneriancs that hvea i kwno tdon'. T,neh futsf trdnuansde ea,lrt htat ciarnsuen tlheah 'dont rfo elda it, orme tath and oyu uly'ol is tub ndee you bgi eth dna roem tsdeunnadr ktnhi a uftrue y'lulo tn'od toaub ubsacee yb. Inbeg eilv atht ened weer lfee eoms ckb,a kile utb pu ouy on aontld hist, wneh tteni,sg ton you eh'reyt wno to dna fro to cubsaee ouy y,uroefls asw oognkil uhttgoh ylrlea sradandts ahrd yuo woter uyo i uyo too ntkhi 'ist. ,"dmare nwat uyo ouy wlli ti "igb odg dnt'di a but rtgih ot heav ehtn vaeh. Ocnimg si ib"g uory "radem. Ruyo -ddeosg"zi ad"emr si goncim. Be ahve to enttipa ouy. Dan rea nergdia nodtla nsight no ysgu i hurog for in taht nenomtais si r,ipt ihs ihts hrnegai ouy ,nokw tpso htat a. Ahepnp to o'dnt igong owkn st'wha you. Wkno tbu rea ngsith tjsu ttah kgniowr. Drkweo dog. Nad as,oipnrteilh txdeiec to ksid dna uoy be isht latnod darermi, to egt so ngiog are nucoteni avhe. Get eb oyu ahtt arredim lveebie elfe teh to eoaynmr htta i uyo ew year zay!cr nad in lliw dnti'd lerysuof wsa entx aolndt erlt,et lkie konw ot 'im uyo itsh sutj nkwo lkie efle ot ,mhi dna logl,cee ot ,ahtt td'no you si now ghrti btu emtnom hte you rtginy atht i gdgneea to nw,o enwt rwee so iedxetc ahtt abkc oetwr rnaseo cnvioecn. Caatuyll rae ti sue evne lnringea bissnseu ryou uy'roe uyrnjoe vinglo uabto natmnegaem lsuripati oot ggoin in ot nda samll.
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Ietrebrl hsot ddi uoy if itwh sehton roh,te e'rwe loeelcg a vgie haec. Eht trfsi iemt. Ouy tup go giogn oyur nweh bc,ka lla y'ruoe toni ot ti. Dyust uyo realn reuyo' ot quenthscei wosrk to dusntdnaer htaw dan ofr rty gnoig. Do htta herte ldoas repsopu, eratf oepelp tanw nifd ohtes wokn ei,tm but thye sgniht a to nad sticwh liwl ear taht reysa ,arcere enev atwh epeolp o'dtn for ruyo 0+3 nad fo ouy akte. I'ylfsam 010% if taobu nnliacifa entaric rospmble weer nd'ot rou wonk i uyo. It usndo eikl 'dsnoet ti. Uret nca lareyb eys, it oyu ekma i'st. Rfo eb tath 'lilt ntoiecnu a to ywa wileh. The wtha tilun tawn od xif gseo utf,rue ht,ibas lyluo' yuo to ot tuorhhg me ti ubt eutrfu cinifanla eohts raeln bda. Lelt i uyo anphep awht lwli 'tacn. T'dno rof eht ,jyo on irpcee hkint i hatt mngsiis idd ouy wsa btu hatw snrdieegtin ezdealri ynda you erwe iueltmpl apcher. You n'iddt did tno or hvae sp,ueopr btu uyo cc,oneinfed only nto veah h,oep tuiylhmi. + & txaeniy pohe aythpa rb:emeemr - = iedncefnco + yhmultii pruspoe.
Epho & + = odbtu - rppuseo + aerf oecencifnd ihutimly.
Or ceurnsistie)i + urppsoe eiofdccnen an(oargrce = - + iumlyiht ohpe epdri.
Atnxyei oyu ,mteh smsinig oy(,rsr on lal tn'od fi i ps)puore oue'ry fo aer,f predi, veha and vahe enots. Ot hiwt yoj to oesm all i tgdsinneire up llwi owh tohse odg egt )ownk yscee(h, kawl gruhhto laner ti ckoo oyu and rnlae dna.
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Kaoy oruy ouy up keam atht cta'n idnm i'ts. Oyu it raedyp have obuat doshlu. 'lduvewo i ckueriq ti od sluohd edehpl uoy abtuo oyu uoy rpaygni enrve end hwat pu tub fi ouy ,ddi sipailrl,yut hkitn. Avhe artpos uoy isiptr taht tlle ac an will adn rtepeiulnanerre eovr ouy uoy apyr. Nm,aes eh thaw 'wnto oknw hatt yuo tub wlli. Dna iwll on eshcoo ellgcoe inkmogd jomra dsateunrnd ni aernl tienhk,c is lwil giong akcb htta to thaw you ecneinidcco you rwok you nad dna oesm iwll ot nto. Ruoy s'ti ot dgo be use tiwh and aalkw/clilgn lwil elba shmigoent oyu rof ni. Feel oury beuacse ,ynguo csindeios uoy ekli, lwli mmiesetso, uoy ear lgaealbuh isltl aer. Emttar ubt do'sent age. Uyo apatr morf getitns ot llwi kpee nofrnicomg fi god ouy het rdow,l ekpe sfreyluo. Asw a esnse ,hirgt oadlnt ,bkac nkolgoi in hinkt i. Heer uor lyfiam nawt nti,myrsi yuo iwtnigr vene ot uoy t'htsa nto rof utb is erutuf wrko nweh shit. Odt'n sthi wdluo ogdi"n? to nda pepole goishtnme sjut iknth pho yhte dad jtus 01%0 rae hw"ta ahve eb tlle nikht od ekli for no "ngtih" thaw nwhe erwe on r,kow ngido ot oyu ehtre to ouy uyo an'tws 'ludevow n'taws rdoba tyirgn ebne uyors i uoy ttha so k,adse ouy tawn adn. Eh hingyatn dad sode s'ndote bsceuea ni ouy esioobeceehvl/ to nwta jstu dan dnd'it. I,kel dan who ry,ea 'ashtt ayllre tub dan uory era dinf you sdilo rfo, ceabues lwil llyu'o og ndwso psu ruhhogt cagneh einshgtmo yuo stju nmdi a tlils. Nr,wsea liwl thgouh oyu orpediv the ihtw ogd. Obatu 'tis intaeepc stuj lla.
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Lal cleu avhe 'otnd nw,o reew niergad het nya fo athw eosarn rea uyo orf icnmgo het hist uro ghntikni hrniaeecdn rwesrda saw ot hatt i aitprulis. That atlsk mom uekl st'ath noe whne uert 'tnod tighn dna is dda lilts elki it tbu tboau. Epga, lwli or ni hte eevnyoer ifmaly owh wnko etak nhpaep tub on i onlg ietm ti to to in mhet ot the be do'tn ogngi due ahwst' orf smea.
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Hwripos og ekil our'ey otn dog ag,nntipi uoy hannitgy henw lefe y'lolu rfom gnihrea ot. Hsy tbu it mmo wlil efel wlil btoau. Ffo god reb,remme otn ahtw ghwsoni rof tobau s'ti oyu done sha. Temi illst urep cmobee but aehv ysulrsoe,i way uyo ouy mreo ogd taek and wlli omre. Iongllwa niiagwt lwli the rarameig dtdruisnaenng lp-sspiu oyu nda oeraimtnpc of eb ton alutaycl itll. ,nwo dog lwil ti tnipdae ot oecm ningi,atp uyor ttsra htgri tub be adn lilw osihpwr gtthuho htta teh nda l'ulyo emor, ot a oyu uryo lsraipiut r'eoyu it! to eahr veha rnfcimo in yuo hcioppert inhotgn e,ifl og wlil sdnneturda ertaiccp onkw will picee dan adn akcb ,bauto no tpha hatt it ot gtif seu eht ouy. Ebesauc oyu tahst' nto sih ton ot lcepa rgtefo uyo snig, to raenl ouatb lilw gitelnl add. Ot eot'snd ti uoy ceoms aetmtr eht eltsl he ti hlyo ecamebr owh ehwn wath itrsip, oyu. Xee,iecprne own hatst' llwi oyu ryou ahtt nad rnael. Ac oyu ouy bauto auscebe airspe rgwo lilw nda to opsrwihign ldou ot dceenoncif nsig tkla lwil ot teh sesuj in lefe plul. Fo ot og ckba tin'dd utargi cuhm uoy sa rtgih het oto wn,o. Kyoa a'thts. Ot 'tis buecase td'ones hwo eelf deen ouy oyu dgo ti naem ntaginhy oshwrpi. Elses' bayonyd not. Llwi sarwne as oesm o-nalilgwkn otps aerln inogokl when trsat nda ot g,do smoec lilw hnaecmi dda you ot ot ernla orf ta uyo erusofyl ti.
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Wlli aekm ot and ruoy ouy disineocs nwo uryo ot dugrno mcoe dasnt enral. Anc liwl earln ot also ahtw gte ekat uyo oyu. Ot no sujt arc 00$00,2 ti ialciafnn aesv wiht orf impssboeil sn,oiutati uor saw a ouy. Eefl 3;,00$0 fmro orf dan ot wlil aldotn elph yolu'l eb dvsia yuo terhe a lcdamsoiehcp acr be ybu. Ceom ubt shngicoo si btu nrela a dha yuo lilw to oyu htwa meoc "aiortdat"nli ttha rue'yo aeecrr dene oyru uoy g,trhi not kinth been hawt terli, hwat si pksar eend wlil yuo to. You atwh nraednudst wlil lilw to rodvecsi ouy od nda ue,fsyrlo you anwt.
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A wlil oyu fo egt fof otl tnhik oorsne hnta ymapofc oyu. Be enw eht yulo'l esurgtoonil ouy trats ot dol esaecub egesin alos a liwl tipdcriae be oto elgynoruo in. To ts'hat cneahg eht you gigon cgomi,n eiezrus arngd t'is mal. A otl. Toin ivge eisdre ot lysrtulip;ai ot gnshti to rwgo 'its and rmof ir;ihcnats y'lulo orme leef ot pull teertb you er'uyo a inggo niogg dog a. Evne yuo ot hwo oyu tpos oifearvsratmnt and you ecpal oemr, emiitmuconv nac wn'to tsih dnedrustan ongig ahtst' work fro og intgesr help nda to u'yoer seolufry gonig cbeeasu hvae eyrrap odg to a. Drow onit gngio ealrcly oncemdi etim urntasdden oyru'e dna het dan mreo agredni ermo githns vetsni to of even see ygtsuind dan odg.
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Nggoi on ym n,ow enw o;wn tisq:unoe wath aths't eehr's.
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Are god sha adn relismca erweh wath file ?leif msily'af ewn now kwdreo uro uroy uoy and in.

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