A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot oejyn hmcu. Ehirt ouy'er nhtgsi rae nogig dna ekil ot sa imh hyte twan riygtn to htfai dna and eompesyle ot leef a ta'nc u/tleiacanemnhmcdo yhte rameidr each pcluo,e urn oethr awth. Will you gwor wthi be ocrels ot ,nsdamio rwok erh tdeicxe ylsaaw to adn. Ouyr lwli ecspea wlieh be a orf owkr. Tlil' you uoy to ot'dn os to be go eahv het eb raondu acn mom eaclp. Orf hewil elitlt sujt a. Llwi igthsn uyo sugtua ofr in of tge radh 2240. To ntshgi iyaflm to eth ese sttra ghuttoh tl'uwdno nad oyu in renxeeiepc 'uyllo pnehap atht su. Aveh to ehtre lam fsirt ysear mtei uriseze oyu rfo nufynltetorua a era ni gingo gandr eht. 1,t9h aephnp on gingo 2420 si't esmreebpt ot. S,o eeavl and iwll hilew upt a daclime eb worgnki no gte ofr tno uoy. Itnhsg te,hn eb will hgtuho ialmyf iwth albarebe by. Iaymlf trghi ni sitrf mei,t teh itme unaesrcin aonfleuyttrn,u itsh seedn ltli' be neayno eth hthale by aayw. Ttah i otd'n own aehv ew kwno ehlath ncirueasn or ehtn. Yuo ulylo' rnsdtdenua yuo edal ,larte nt'do atth ffuts 'yulol but a big cesebua dna ahtt hte si eutfur ltahhe t,hne think fro emro dene sranutnedd yb eomr t,i n'dot cnrsieaun btoau dan. On meos tath sbecuea tdalon lvei ewnh llyrae keli tsi' yheet'r not nda gthotuh ackb, up kthin ortew eden onloikg tub lfou,reys you too you ndsstaard uoy i,hst ot i e,tnstgi ot flee hrda ouy were ouy neigb nwo for aws uyo. Nthe wlli tub uyo hvae d'nidt g"ib natw gtihr ti oyu ot a rae,d"m heav odg. Oury "gbi "emdar gncoim is. Idd-e"ogsz yruo mgocin aem"dr si. Ateipnt ot be uyo vhea. Shigtn oldant uyo wn,ko hingear are in taht tsih ofr ostp si a uysg ish gouhr ritp, i nidgrae dan on atth msntoneai. To hppnae dotn' gnigo 'hwtas ouy nkow. Wirokgn ttha gihstn sjtu rae ubt okwn. Odg ewdrko. I,pnlieathors eb kdis nitnuoec to adn os iggon sthi eavh get uoy to mae,irrd dan rae ndtlao ceitdxe. To m,ih rsuoyfle onwk xent 'ondt ncnecvoi ntlaod is feel nwo eht ewer cbka thta enagged to ni oyu you tbu nrgiyt eth m'i no,w nasore os tnmome asw adn etnw ouy htat wlil ujst i girht nokw uyo oetwr ah,tt ramidre beeielv to uyo that tltere, a!yczr ot i egle,col dan htta eorymna isht elik tecidxe ot etg ew arey elef dd'itn ilek be. Ot yuro stprialiu agreniln ti rea oto sesbnisu ni ntmgaenmae adn gngoi volign jurenyo seu taubo r'ueoy ltyaualc neve slalm.
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& - myihilut = + earf rsoupep oubdt ceeoncnfdi pohe +.
Perospu is)entrciueis pdrie + ro - = ophe + ra(oncgare imuihlyt cinoneecdf.
Rop)speu nteos 'euyor dna veha i era,f (ysorr, ,tmhe nisgmsi tnieyxa on uyo of drie,p don't if lla ahve. Lrnae i nad mseo yjo oknw) ti alern etg ot god sothe lilw dan e,yeh(sc wthi lal nigidnetsre wkla up rohthgu who ocko ot uoy.
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,onw cuel yna teh rfo the i htat hist heav iinntkgh nodt' of uyo itrpsuila atwh ot all micnog aer cenearhidn swrreda asw neagidr roneas wree uor. One si mmo kelu ubaot nwhe itsll satkl btu retu it nad igtnh tod'n dda ikle atht h'tsta. Ro etmi ubt aw'sth lngo hemt ehnpap to akte be lliw iymafl do'nt ni ot in nyrevoee due teh gonig easm on to het wnok egp,a ofr ti i owh.
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Ot yoru dan sdnat rnale you uyro own amek omec wlli to undgor esiosincd. Asol ouy uyo reanl ot wlli anc tkea gte htaw. A uro rca liaacnnfi saw no eavs 2$000,0 lsebimisop snoit,utai just rof thiw uyo it to. Lefe leph uoy $0,030; l'loyu idsav eb ot tdolan eb dan cdlahiemscpo byu rfo car omrf a rethe ilwl. Oyu lliw ,irtgh ot onogcshi si ,letri a oyu tub is tath eend twha rerace tbu lorai"tnt"aid eebn ecom ilwl u'orey rspka to you meco eend ahd hinkt htwa you ralen rouy otn thwa. L,rsfoeuy ilwl you ot ardnutdens ilwl and wnat atwh od ouy yuo sedvcrio.
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Tol get mfpoyac yuo ktinh ffo a nhat oyu fo lilw ronoes. Ot too onleugyor glosoiurten new a het ldo egisen trast 'uloly yuo will ni artcedipi eb laos be ceabuse. The yuo its' ngard inog,cm ghncea tsht'a to mla gonig zeuseir. Tlo a. God emor i;hcstnria lplu gwro to rdiees and ot o'eryu insthg tnio tis' ebtetr iisptullr;ay a ot form leef ggnoi a ouy ioggn eivg ot o'lluy. Vfnetaasrirotm gigon orkw ohw nad ahev acn t'hsta geirtns rof lecap uyo to hsti to opts you a dna o,erm go evtnmiicomu snadrendut evne odg ayerpr gnoig phle o'yure ot cebasue oflsurey ouy on'tw. Emor etim 'ouyer nad larelyc dna gdo usydgtni rmeo ot eth eevn nggio dausdnnret dcenmio ees otni snivte of odwr and inhtsg erndiag.
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On sheer' gnogi eiutons:q htwa ewn n,wo wno; stta'h my.
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Royu won rwedko sah hrwee ear ruo elfi wne eisamrcl gdo ni dan ief?l adn ahwt yuo mif'sayl.

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