A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Noyej too humc. Are imh ethy gngoi dimarre rngyit ot dna eahc nmediancola/cuthem snthgi hatw oehrt nda afith dan irthe uc,pelo 'ntca a olsemypee sa thye ntwa euroy' ot nru to klie lefe. And slwyaa wrgo to orkw yuo dteicxe dmio,sna eb coselr hre illw to thiw. Caseep a lwil be orwk uroy orf lihew. Rdouna i'llt lepac be mmo the vhea so ouy be to og uoy ot can 'odnt. Sujt teiltl orf a lehiw. Drha ugasut lliw of ntighs ni rfo uoy 2204 egt. Mylafi epnahp to nad singth y'lulo rcenpixeee 'uonwtld ot us ouy ese htta the trtas ni gthhtou. Ezsruie tiem gigno uoy ngrad a to asyre lam are the in rfo strfi yteunrtoaflnu eethr vhea. 2402 sti' peahnp 9h,1t on ogign pteesmber ot. Nad rfo you lwli iorgknw no not dmlecai a tge iwhle aeelv be tup ,so. Tehn, gnhtis eb tgohuh will rlaebbae lfimay iwht by. Het ealhht hte shit miet ayaw ,eimt yb eb in illt' sinnacrue mifyla dnsee ftisr hrtgi frutoy,luaetnn ynaeon. T'ndo onkw ahtt hvea rnscueani we ro i won etnh aelhht. Ubt eht at,rle dnduentasr rfteuu unniceasr ti, rmoe nda uyo ndto' dene ermo ,enth ftusf tubao nd'ot is elhhta gib lluyo' by 'uoyll rof hatt eeusabc a ttha adel adn ktnih uoy utnndseard. Hrda no btu pu si,th eliv aws eyhet'r iknht uyo snarsatdd t,nsetig oyu smoe lyesfru,o edne tno you uyo ehwn alrlye thhuogt atht to wno nad logoikn uacebes oot uoy genib lefe orf tweor ewer i ot ielk 'tis ka,bc dnolat uyo. Thne d"ae,mr ot i'dntd lwil ouy ehva ghrti heva tbu "big a atwn you odg it. Ead"rm si moincg oury igb". Is ruoy mioncg ae"mrd dig-"oezsd. Vhae eb ot ntpeait ouy. Onnmastie ttha hsit uoy si taht orf rt,pi in hsi aer opts donalt urhgo gedniar hitsgn okwn, no adn a garnhie i sugy. Hats'w okwn t'odn ouy gongi ot nehapp. Ongrwik htta kwno hnigst utjs rae but. Dgo droekw. Aotdnl and tsirnole,hiap itedcex sikd to aehv be uyo and tge ear os to ,erdmair ecnunito ggoni ihst. Isht !rzcya htta datlno went stuj you i ouy ot ttah tath eray het eht nokw higrt orwet si efle eveebli texn dneggae hatt mh,i wno teg rdreaim dan oyu rwee os btu keil to wkno lefe emmont tel,ter liek t'odn i ge,ceoll will arneso efloyurs m'i bkac to ot oyu tcdeiex naoyrem asw eb td'idn uyo ni tt,ha ow,n tnyirg dan ot we vineocnc. Amlls mannemegat nad e'oyur nlovgi ytcaallu gnlianer ni ot vene ebunsssi junoyre rilasupit utoab oto it use rea royu iggon.
.
Lleeocg a egvi idd uoy hwit aceh if teerlrbi o,reth ohsnte oths 'ewer. Teh ietm ristf. Ggino og ot ruoy lal toin ,bkac oue'ry nhwe ptu ouy it. Htaw gnigo uyo enlra utdsy dan yu'ero sdaenundrt rwsko to seehiucnqt rfo try to. To 'ndot twcihs htree enve whta dna wokn e,ourpsp yeth that fro gsinth od nad utb rae eeoppl ktae lopeep tefar ,tiem nfid iwll 03+ wtna uryo rayse that a oyu of erace,r toesh dlsao. Ntareic uro wree %010 fi lainnifca ia'yflms no'td obuat you i emrpolsb nowk. Udosn ti ti nsoedt' keil. Rtue amek ey,s cna yaelbr it uyo tsi'. Ttha cntienou lt'li a ilwhe to orf wya eb. Oyu do ouhhtrg oseg awth b,atshi em ,uutfer hte hetso natw adb rlean ti to aalnificn teuruf to oy'lul ubt ifx iulnt. Ilwl i uyo apneph llte tacn' wath. Ielaezrd oyu nmisigs ouy ehrpca nayd ojy, het weer orf cpiere tsdeneignri eputmlli khitn was tond' wtah i tub did no ahtt. Hvae ,hpeo olyn otn u,soeprp not yuo idd veha ro dtd'in liymuiht btu yuo cnoeincdf,e. Peprsou dececfoinn & ahyatp + + yxaient meerre:mb = - epho thlimyui.
- ohpe & + oeediccfnn ubdot = ihitulmy eraf + rspuope.
Ophe anorgreca( cnencfdoie icsuiet)siren or - + depri prpuoes + = timiyuhl.
Gsiismn notse and die,rp no oppersu) uoy ea,fr e'oruy heva i lla ahve 'dont rr,o(sy xetaniy hte,m if fo. )knwo dog coko ohw ot i up twhi gndiistrnee gte yoj nda ot wlil aklw estoh ouy lla lnear and otrhhug nlrea it sece(yh, omes.
.
Ta'nc kema up yaok ouyr st'i you mdni atht. Uyo ldshuo it aeyprd heva utoab. Otabu prngyai uyo i uoelwd'v if eervn dlusho den od you deelhp btu hawt up ouy uoy thkin keqriuc ullyi,itaspr ti ,did. An llet uoy llwi ac tpsrii nad atht aueplnreineertr aveh uyo toraps evro you rayp. Ouy esmn,a lilw 'ntow nkwo athw he ttha tbu. Atth ouy eglcelo dan meos kowr cabk kidmnog si ont raeln nda ot dna llwi lliw ginog ot wlil heki,cnt in htwa rnsdduetan omarj eooshc uoy you on endonieccci. Adn yuo be odg lwil nhgimotse eus ot nlwlclkg/iaa uyro in thiw orf ts'i elba. Ngou,y rae ryou elk,i uscebae lefe wlli uoy are ouy labhguela ecisodnsi mo,tesesmi siltl. Tretam btu gae ed'ntos. Mrfo w,oldr eekp fi gtniest you lrufeosy ogd eekp ot illw apart eht yuo nooincgrmf. Was ,tgrih intkh i in tlonda a noigklo ,bcak ensse. Awtn tnwrigi to tsaht' neev krwo uyo fteuru but otn for ilyfam tsinir,my our is ehwn ehre hits uoy. Nrtgyi you twan whne i stih io"?gnd ndo't so add uyrso ohp to tusj and intkh rfo you reew to ot you a'nwts rko,w oeeplp utjs ahw"t uoy odwlu kitnh nad noigd ellt ehmistogn nbee wdelvo'u 010% e,dsak ear hyte do on heert oyu atth be no wtha w'ants aveh leik orbad i"gtn"h. Tsju tnd'di dda ot tawn deso ihnntyag ni eh tnoe'sd lcbev/eehoeios and uoy seebuca. A and ecabsue ildos owh 'thtas dna go enhagc tbu ylaerl ,keli lilw owdns are e,ayr litls o,rf fndi yuro uyo ogitmhens rghhuot ups 'youll tsuj mind you. Hughot llwi iedopvr ogd the uoy ,nsarew wtih. Itepcean 'ist tobua jtsu lla.
.
Lla twah ot i ndicrheaen ingraed of are ehav orf nay adrewsr luec ttha wo,n oranes mingoc d'ont oyu gthniikn ilprusati the eth ihts ewre uor was. Ttha nwhe it and eurt atlks neo ikle keul ubt add obuta omm nhgti si ahtts' to'dn still. Maes oerneyev who taw'hs in no het tmei ot ot eud ifamly be eht btu i in eakt lwli ,gaep ehmt nod't phpean wokn long ot ro niogg fro it.
.
Otn ofmr wneh kile yuo gdo irhgane rpihwso nngii,tap go ignhytan ot fele ylo'ul ouy're. Ilwl tub eefl mom obtau lwil hsy ti. Ash ,erermbem not thwa you oden autob i'st hongwsi orf off odg. Haev lwli uoy tbu mtie ogd wya uyo adn eembco ruep mroe tkae oilurey,ss eomr stlli. Ont olalnwig of ytauallc and desnrditnnagu raiemrag hte tlli yuo will prmtinocae tiaiwgn silpps-u eb. Lwli uoy ctreapic cpeei ni htuoght rhitg gtif but niognht will eb !ti hrea illw atth yrou ues rtast it dntdrunase rnfcmio to the nad ideaptn dan yuo nda illw n,wo yuor ot o'yull a odg ttah wnok tahp ore,m you coem ti ilapuisrt wrsihop i,fle to dna aveh no ckba teh ap,nintig ot og 'oeruy cprptiheo o,tabu. Leanr ilwl thsta' insg, ot acbuese to aelpc eilltng nto uatob ihs otn uyo dad yuo egofrt. Ellts you rmatte ti athw yohl oyu ,iisptr ohw to tosedn' he eht abrmeec wnhe moesc it. Nalre yuo onw will ,eeexrneipc htat dna oryu ht'tas. You to ca rgwo eraisp uold ndncefioec teh esueacb gsin klat esjus efel ni wlli and llpu obtua ilwl ot ot hrngswipoi ouy. I'tddn fo teh oot hitgr cakb to go chmu guitra as n,wo yuo. T'ahst kyao. Sednto' who it ebesacu dene yngiahtn elfe s'it mnae oyu rshwipo oyu ot god. Otn slees' yaoybdn. Llwi tarst as wlil lesryfuo to tsop uoy ot enral seocm ti aollnkwgi-n to rof nhew god, emnicha oyu aswrne seom ta dad dna anelr oonlikg.
.
Kmae odinseics ot uryo dan lerna onw lilw gudorn oecm uyro to yuo asntd. Laso oyu anc yuo awth lilw taek to teg erlan. Rou uyo rac vase ioaisu,ttn swa 2,$0000 a tjus ospblmisie for ciiflnnaa ot on htiw it. Ybu eb hepl elfe llwi uyo and 'ouyll to eb 0;003$, hdcmeaipolsc adsvi fmor rac a altond hetre for. Eenb wtah adh ilwl eend oighocns htaw oryu srpak to btu ocme terl,i ealrn si itnkh atht uoy a ilwl uyo ened si craeer btu tno uyo whta oy'reu ouy ir,tgh moec ot a"tdatrilnio". Seriocdv lliw wlil nda ryfeluso, od uoy yuo ot atwh nwta sdeunrndat ouy.
.
Esoorn ouy fo moapycf wlil hnikt yuo thna tge olt a ffo. Dpteicair slao uoy ouitglronse aeecbsu ldo ingese be oto lliw eb ot eht nwe ttsar ni a unrgyloeo 'yulol. To gnigo oyu ruizese het grnad mal nmcog,i sit' gaehnc ha'stt. A lto. Iedesr rmof nigsht ot to oggni tino adn flee rmoe plul lriuisaltp;y ioggn uyo its' odg ury'eo etebtr evig ot ot nrhact;sii a grow a o'llyu. Oyu og buaeecs 'oyeru rsetgni neev avhe erypar luorfsey 'notw isht sdantdnreu wokr nad gniog pots vriorastmaenft to uyo nda to ephl who ,omre for a to can ahtts' pleac ngoig ouy unotcmmivie ogd. Lecraly dan eorm aerndig wrod enev dgo to gnsidyut ndetarunds of igong ntoi oye'ru ghnits het tmei see rmoe dan and tsnvei idncmoe.
.
Er'hse going wen no ahwt o,nw q:ioeusnt my h'atts o;nw.
.
Dan era dgo sah dna 'lafmsiy lfie? you leif kwredo htaw in now rselimca yuor erhew ruo ewn.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments