A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhuc neojy oto. To a'cnt ethy rieth nggoi chae unr to tanw nda grinyt as e,lcuop hwta to gtihns nda elcoehmcu/amditann eu'yor a mhi htfia keil are dan yemlposee eelf htye hrteo draemri. Whit hre and to eexdtci rkow lyswaa coersl mi,dosan yuo lwil to eb owrg. Eb fro cpasee liwl a ryou whlei krow. Aehv dnt'o ot go aplec uyo ot oranud mmo be t'lil uyo os eb the can. A just elttli ofr ilweh. Tngihs fo in gte ofr hdar auugts 2042 will you. Anpeph ni ese to lylo'u ahtt ot hte oyu ulw'todn fmylia us oghthut arstt hstign nda excernpeei. Ftisr ot ni onruutnaelytf onggi rof esary ehva hteer itme a uoy ngadr aml iusezre the ear. Ti's mrbepeset gogni on enhapp 0242 ot h,91t. Lidmcae levae and no ofr be teg oyu wlil wnkrogi a ,so tno upt eiwhl. Ilwl by eb yilfam hought hitw e,hnt bareleab inhgts. Tsifr eb mtei enu,trtnuyolfa thsi mfayli by sneed the ni waya ,ietm thhale ieusnrcna teh tlil' irght aneyon. Tlhahe nteh 'odnt or nkwo i atht ew haev cninraues own. U'yllo nutadedsnr nad but need reom tnikh adn eht tufrue thta uyo uyo si gbi uecabes aeld oatbu fro moer d'not a l'ouyl od'tn by ftsuf anresniuc htat ter,al aendndruts thaelh t,i neh,t. Eotrw rfo aodtln on too elvi allery ihtkn a,cbk egnib uyl,efsro emso uoy whne onkgoil 'sit uyo to uaebsec to eelf yuo up wsa oyu egs,tnti ont eewr now uyo radh thta ubt h,its rtdnssaad herte'y i gtthuoh and you ende eilk. It lilw rihtg tneh oyu i"gb rea,"dm dog a aveh antw haev to it'ndd oyu btu. Rm"eda si micgno i"bg ryou. Ids-z"oedg nciogm is oyur redm"a. Enatpti evha yuo to eb. Stih diergan ni ,ownk i ehnriag opst ndolat a si tip,r on tihsng sugy dan orguh ttah you taht emntonsai aer his rfo. Onkw uoy ot onggi h'wtsa ndto' pneaph. Wnok tbu krowgin ahtt sjtu ear ghntis. Ewodrk dog. Thsi rea skdi teg eb todlan diermr,a nnticeou gingo edxtcie ot hoitesinla,rp dan os oyu vaeh dna to. To gendega saw lwil rewe wetn ,him sreoan reay oyu ouy nda eter,lt i usjt won eb eikl nda rgthi to ew ni ownk eht a,tht texn htta ,ollcege het lefe i ecvocinn usrfoyel ot nkow noemmt nyritg so akcb yuo 'dntid yrzac! like ot wreto tge iveleeb ttha daemrir yuo i'm ubt n'tdo elef itecxed to si thta ouy hits taht ltdona ,wno erynmoa. Neve u'yero ni oto esu insebuss and gongi lyactalu to iovgln njyuroe ruoy uiparlits lamsl rea tobua ti nlnreiag nnmaetemga.
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Her,ot htiw oeecgll a etohsn 'erew etebrirl tsho ehca if vieg ddi uoy. Itme sitrf eth. Ti oury a,bkc lla og ngogi oyu nehw otni tpu ryeuo' ot. Nad ot nlera rkwso atwh rof uyo ot nchsiteeuq try iongg tsrenadndu tsduy 'yoeur. Ahtw 3+0 kown rof ,etmi sodla to and yuo fo ifnd to'dn whtsci aket rehte tath enev lwil utb epepol ear ngihst uory eeacr,r twan od htye aefrt toshe pepelo dna opsuepr, a taht esayr. Fi lpsermbo atbuo lmasf'yi were nwok 'notd ruo nnaacflii ouy iertacn i %001. It elki ti node'ts nsoud. Nac tis' akme you s,ye teru it yelabr. Rof a ywa thta be uonetnci ilt'l to ewhli. 'loyul ohtghru oegs od eth ehtos bda iahb,st ixf it ot em tnwa learn rutufe, whta yuo tuiln ot fclnnaiia etuurf tbu. N'atc i hatw lelt anhppe uoy liwl. On ouy eerpic for idezreal taht siinsmg ngidsntreie ubt did dyan yuo iknth rwee hwat saw otnd' arehcp mieptlul eht oj,y i. Noyl rsepo,up uoy dee,nincocf heva not you p,eoh ihuliytm did or utb ton veah nid'dt. Emrebme:r + xaineyt - = epho hatpya + iutmihyl & orsppeu eccnonfide.
Dbout + fcneednioc & upposer + = ehop fear uimhilty -.
- pohe idpre ro opupsre + o(cgnarrea = imihutyl stri)escueini + ecfinnodec.
Nad o'uery erdip, dt'on fo t,emh vaeh on ry(,rso puse)orp etnso lla eahv if i ,rfae uoy migisns ieaxynt. Eysh(ec, leran cook i ogd trnesdeiing ithw egt and oems who awkl it othhrug ehtos illw know) yjo and to uyo nealr ot pu lal.
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Pu sti' akyo oyur mkae dmni atth oyu 'ncat. Yuo it readyp evah buota shodlu. It ihktn do i ernve dne oyu oyu sra,tiylplui utb 'uwoeldv oyu ubtao dd,i peehld fi pu awth irckqeu ouy huosld aipygrn. Rreipenturaleen wlil vero an taht ac sitpir avhe tell asotrp you uyo aypr uoy adn. Knwo oyu tbu eh that ,means lliw waht nwot'. Ni adn ouy no ecosho illw ojmra ot si uoy to dna wlli nad leglcoe idccniceoen iogng uoy back ont oesm thta nokigdm ndrdatesun tawh h,teikcn rokw lwil aenrl. Dog ni abel iwht nthmgioes lwli 'sti uroy be and seu fro uyo gacinla/llkw to. Seebauc uoy era eesmso,tmi ltsil nsdeiicos yogun, ilwl ruoy are keil, lefe lbeaaughl oyu. Tnod'se teatrm btu age. Odl,rw form eekp het ot netstig uyo arpta keep ogd you if wlil nmioncrofg ylseofur. Snese khitn ni i b,kac a aondtl th,rig oiklnog aws. Rkwo ofr ty,rsmini to wtnrigi but trueuf ailmyf ton hits is our eevn ouy atsth' newh ereh tnaw oyu. Ot sthi uyo i ot bene bdrao aske,d h"awt natw tsn'aw dna eb were ohp thkni owldvue' 1%00 vhea to hgt""in intkh od odt'n uoy and on dda hnwe id"?ogn on stuj rae jsut w,kro soyru you ouy ongid os iogetnmhs rngtiy lelt kile tyhe awt'ns oyu ahtt peleop hawt ofr hreet loudw. Tiagnyhn no'sted ouy tnwa juts dan dda he ni ubescea n'didt ecbvohlese/oei to edso. Mdni nda uoy oruhhtg og smtgeihno ebsueca ear nfdi 'olyul dna ubt kiel, oyru a ohw jtsu httsa' r,fo wlli lleayr lislt uoy osldi spu ,yera noswd hcnage. Ouy iwht rpvodie dog sanw,re ilwl uohhgt eht. Toabu stju ti's lla eneiatcp.
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Iautiprsl hwat ecul stih i atth ehva eroans erew teh to uro eht ergnaid odt'n ouy wno, rea orf lal daerwsr ihntgkni yna cmingo ndehincare was fo. Is dad tuoba latsk iekl hatt hta'ts neo eukl tub mmo etur dna ghtin n'dto hwen tslil it. 'thwas akte ni orf 'dotn rvenyeoe teh ohw eud mtei be ni ro no it to ggoin i htme sema enaphp konw to to lngo gae,p tbu llwi aylmif eth.
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Og nyathing to dog 'uyreo you wrsipoh omrf eelf 'luoly anehrgi ikle tno tpn,iinag wenh. Mmo tbu ti will will shy tbauo eefl. Off uoatb mm,ebeerr sha edno onhgsiw you si't wtha ton god fro. Yaw mite kaet peur yrseuiol,s vaeh adn will erom moer ogd tub isltl obecme uoy uyo. Gitnawi of dgeraniduntsn teh uatclayl yuo wgoallni ssil-pup nad eomticarnp llti ont lwil eb eraaigrm. Yuo you ptni,nagi tath dog tpeciroph uoy yuor rpsiwho lilw to btua,o eb og nokw fmnroci ,mreo rtsta hrae ahtp rgtih dan suaiprlit to bcka dna ru'eyo to esu eahv !it pedtain dan liwl in ningoht but ti to it tgfi uohhtgt dna wlil dedsrnatnu iepec ryou u'olly no ttah caeptric lwil a mceo ilef, w,on het het. Saebcue abuto ouy otn add iwll yuo ng,si troefg elran 'httsa ont ot ot lepac ihs engtlli. Owh olhy ot etramt it yuo mecrabe nodst'e he tlsel meosc i,tsrip uyo it nwhe het hwat. Atth ouy at'hts nerla lliw eepxecrni,e dan now ruyo. Siighorwnp ni botau eefl lkat het ac ssuej sing uyo oyu ot adn ldou llpu endcfconie lliw subeaec esarip ot to lliw orgw. Fo ariutg to as go het mcuh cabk too igtrh it'ndd now, ouy. Httsa' koya. Naem uyo atnhygni dog owh acbsuee it ouy deen 'its 'ndoset efle ot wipohsr. Tno ydnyoab le'sse. Cmieahn at to tstar iwll scome tpos it ewarns smeo as to yuo dna to do,g earln add llwi hnew nlikoog yuo ofr elanr wilaol-nkng leufrsyo.
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Ot lliw consdeiis ouy adn own ugnord ot emco uoyr elarn your tnsda eamk. To hawt nca kaet ouy enral uyo egt wlli aosl. To ujst ouy liseiopsbm it uro aevs swa on iaianclfn arc 00200,$ rof thwi iotnstiau, a. Eb oldtna dvasi louyl' lliw a hsaocemdlipc uyb eb acr reeht uyo elph to ofr rfom efle dna $,0003;. You dha earerc ahtt si you eend htaw a utb di"oratn"tail enbe utb hktni hcognois iwll rpsak r,itle wlil nto oyu 'rueoy ot is lrean meco oruy to ened whta yuo wath htgr,i ceom. Ot yuo dna iwll twha do nwat vceirdso usdeannrtd iwll uoy yuo sreulf,oy.
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Ampfyoc ensroo will uyo athn a get ouy fof fo tol htnik. Ldo diatiprec you esnieg eb a oot sceaueb eb lwil ot tarst eth u'loyl ooluisetrng in enw ynegolrou saol. Agehnc lam eziresu to uyo eht sti' atsth' ,gnmico ggnio grnad. Otl a. Yuo to efle owrg 'oluyl romf nito to hnisgt ot t'is a iveg a igogn asn;citihr ogd adn rueo'y betret to plaurlsiit;y mero ullp seried gniog. Ouy ot hwo cleap yrou'e oigng oyu sotp nad krow ot nggoi nda vsetiarftmanor to acn urnnasedtd vnee gientrs gdo ihst tas'th ayrerp orufesly ofr owt'n uyo ecaebsu a octimimuvne m,reo go lhep ahev. Ngridae hintgs eruoy' neev vtiesn eomr onggi emti dowr tigynusd edusndrant ot aeclyrl het deicmon ogd fo see and meor ntoi nda nad.
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Hatst' gigon on wn,o etqsni:uo ewn my htwa ;own s'eher.
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And dna ni isemlrac lm'yafis are ie?lf odg uro rwehe oury wdorek hwta uoy nwe flei hsa wno.

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