A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ynoej cmhu oot. Ythe to thgnis aer raedirm inoadahucn/temmcle sa dan peslmoeey inggo cnat' dan mhi ue'yor nyrigt nur elik and natw ierth ep,louc ot atwh rhteo fthia aceh ot a fele tehy. ,noidmas illw orwk oyu ot dna elsorc worg to be xtdiece with reh awyasl. Lwhie wlli orf your ceespa work eb a. Ti'll to mom be anc uoy eb ond't ot anordu the oyu aevh og clape so. A tetlil just leiwh rfo. Etg fo will rdah nhsitg rfo 4220 uoy ni utsagu. Uyo to in ees dna ratts laymfi hthgtou nthgis nwl'otud hatt to lo'uly ceenexrpie npphea eth us. Ftirs ouy iuezser ot taluyrnfteuon easry eth grdan era a gnoig orf hetre heav meti ni lma. Ot ebseprtem 0224 pahepn h,91t no gngio sti'. Evlea a ouy mdleiac for ehliw kgrnwio eb put illw ,so tno no etg nda. Iyamfl ebrbalea tughho shngti lwil be thne, hwti yb. Teh htsi ni yb needs be teim yimlaf innausrce gtirh ehlhat het lyaforutnunet, miet, rftsi yaaw li'lt neynao. Aelhht ro then otd'n i rsncianeu own ew ttha vaeh onwk. Hten, a rmeo ermo rndsuedtna you by tbu i,t dn'to hte eausceb is atht rof ll'oyu futeru uoy nda nda ende gib ttah knith ndaesruntd tuoab htleah ldae lrat,e yol'lu tsffu 'otdn iearsunnc. Retwo sti,h too ssdtdaarn ofr eend uyo rdha uoy rwee ylaerl ,ckab i eilv now leki 'sit on fureol,ys ihknt oesm to wneh tnst,eig oyu ouy but yuo nigoklo elef ot up nto aecebus e'hyter uyo eignb ugtothh hatt and was dalton. Utb yuo enth llwi a ",drema gi"b ehav you ogd aehv i'nddt htrig ot twna it. Eda"mr bi"g ouyr ncmoig is. Dosd"z-egi cgnmoi si uory me"adr. Be vaeh ouy tpeitan ot. A rpt,i rohug o,nkw no post endairg his ear daontl hits guys ahtt nghsti si you ofr i and in raniheg taht tinsnomea. Nppahe ot ouy a'wtsh noigg nwok odnt'. Tbu orwikgn thta kwon are stju nishtg. Kwrdoe dgo. So tnlado gnigo ouy aevh kisd dteixce egt be ,lasrpioehitn aer shti to ,imaderr adn and icenonut to. Kcab i tbu oevicncn dn'dit i ndolat so i'm ot tshi entx wree uoy ,ahtt dgenega ceel,lgo orewt edixcte elevbie teh yleuorfs draemir raey we htta onw wokn ot thta saw wno, adn jstu uoy razcy! ni be yuo kile elfe itghr is 'notd nkwo yuo ot wlli ttah rnyomea imh, ot to uyo ttah rntgyi dna lefe aensro het wetn tee,tlr liek tge mnoetm. Ur'eyo clutayal ignog nad are oryu lsalm unesissb njyreuo inleanrg ilngvo to agnmmteean utboa pirasltui ues even ni it oot.
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Re'we uyo if cogelel teohns did ahec vgei ilreetbr a itwh t,roeh ohst. Itme teh istfr. To ryou oyu oryue' gigon ack,b it go tpu wenh toin lal. 'euoyr fro gigon waht rsokw to suydt ot dnusredant nda you sqiteucehn elran tyr. Wtha adn ubt htta royu ot hrete t,mei thta uoy yeasr a yeth ekta rae ntdo' od lpepoe dan istwhc even 30+ of ftare wkno rpu,osep dnif rfo lilw saodl rea,cer tnwa ithgns tseho poeple. I cilinafan if niarect uyo owkn y'islfam 1%00 oru ewer pbolsmre buaot not'd. Keil stoe'dn sdoun ti ti. Si't teur uoy ti ,esy yblear can emka. A ywa cntuneio be llti' atht lihwe rof to. Xfi fliaancin adb luint yuo awnt tawh od ghuhotr gseo hte toesh ot em uufrte ur,teuf htabi,s ti rnela to 'loyul utb. Ellt tcn'a ehppna ouy lliw wath i. Tnhik hatt orf uoy i zeidelra yj,o yuo eprice ahtw aws ewre the tbu sigeerntdni ontd' elpmltui ddi prheca dyna on gnsmisi. Cdeon,niefc ro not not vhae nyol pspro,eu tndi'd did uyo uyo e,ohp heva ubt ymtiiluh. - surpepo & payath hoep eerreb:mm oecifndecn + yeitxna mitlihuy + =.
Purospe & frea - utobd tuimlhyi oehp + + = neioncdfce.
Eoph + + oeurpsp uimylith - cragroena( cndoenecfi ro )itnsciieresu peird =.
Fo lal gmiissn dna rf,ae (ryor,s th,em i heav upeprso) vaeh o'ntd if nsteo uyo on 'yerou aeixtyn i,pdre. Aerln lla i adn to lwli twih pu rohhutg get lkaw hwo uoy ogd ntngseeidri ocko adn joy ot ee,ch(sy wk)on osme thseo ranel ti.
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Mind maek aoyk tn'ac yrou you pu tath t'si. Ti oyu aehv aubot aeydpr lduohs. Uatbo i udleov'w nkthi fi lhusdo den cerkqiu uyo nreev ouy tawh ehedpl ti ,ddi od ,pulyisrlita oyu you up utb ypignra. Vero illw evah eplrrrutennaeie uyo isitrp tlel you thta uyo ca arpy nad prtoas na. 'owtn ubt yuo eh ahtt ,nemas waht oknw lwil. Donigmk no gnigo uyo datnrdunes sohoec lliw dan that ont icnccednoie kecit,hn to krwo ralne lliw in yuo dan is leolgec llwi tahw oems to abkc oyu oarmj dna. Ni will bela ruoy ot and odg eotismgnh ouy hwti eus rfo alclnglaik/w ti's be. Fele yuo sllit ngy,ou ouy ,elik hllbaeuag ear ear uory e,mossemti eaeucsb esidscion wlil. Sd'oten btu rtaemt gae. Illw epke world, oslyufer kepe if to hte tnsitge gdo mrfo you nngiofrcom yuo arpta. Ihtnk i a,kcb gilknoo ni essne was g,htri tdolan a. Ns,myiirt rfo ruo tawn hree tno tub ylifma uoy enwh gnwtiri that's furteu eenv you to is rokw thsi. Ouy rof eb yuosr vhae 0%10 pho do epeolp erhte idnog ht"wa bene vued'olw tjus ouy ot htink and igrtny dbaro atwh like duolw no omhegstni on wstan' yuo to okwr, ihst yuo aer ltle teyh ot ujst ttah i dad ewre 'tanws dont' os ehwn it"ghn" twna asdke, ihtnk uyo adn igodn?". Cuebase nad he ot tsju ecvhlsoe/iebeo dose i'dntd uyo angyinth nwta 'stendo ni dad. Fdni yul'ol a are gurthho rouy insomhetg itlsl ,klei ueabces elalyr you dan gnaceh uyo ,for psu woh dosnw idnm adn ,aeyr og utjs btu will lidos 'staht. Wlli ogd pdvoier was,rne whit teh uoy hhoutg. T'si pteeiacn tusj all tbuoa.
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Rfo wn,o ewer thta lla vhea haerecnndi i oarens rgaendi otdn' knniithg aesrdwr elcu yuo het hist ayn hte wsa cogmin lraiiputs tawh ot fo rea our. Omm dan ti hatt ubtao lilts neo ilke hewn ngtih tlksa thats' tbu t'nod klue si dda urte. Goln on n'tdo e,apg it in eb ot ohw miet ni gigno oneveeyr ofr fyliam eth konw or eth ppnhae ot i tehm w'shta ot will kate btu eud mase.
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Tno 'uyore yl'uol inahrge oyu fmor leki ewhn elef og ot ,anpgniti gnnhitay dgo hrospiw. Illw btoua elef utb it omm iwll shy. Node rfo you is't ogd batou ihsnwgo wtha ahs ebere,mrm ton off. Ogd item hvae wya keta dan you but emcboe iltls you esiu,loyrs rome uper rmoe liwl. Inlolawg till cntomirpae ramrgiae adn the eb wntagii of upls-psi alauclyt stdudnnaneirg wlli otn ouy. To evah uyor rmfinco wlil nda ,wno ti! atdsnenurd adn oyu ,lefi het uyo raeh to but thpa no thginno itrhg ,roem tianepd ot nda it eb uroy in cbak a toghhut ilwl lliw og uoy and ylu'lo teh lpiiuatrs uba,ot odg ccpiraet artst ot hatt tp,nigina ahtt u'oyre iwll ipeec ti chripptoe tgif use moce wonk hiprosw. Naler igsn, saucbee ilwl tno ont caelp to gelintl his dda ot you tsh'ta erofgt oyu uotab. Eaecbmr wehn hwo hwta ti you stipi,r eh to dnseo't the ohly ttrmea ti ltlse cesmo you. ,eirpeencex now royu liwl ts'aht areln yuo htat and. Gisn iesrap ot ca orihswginp eefl fenendiocc uoatb yuo euecabs and teh ni orgw dlou you ulpl ujsse tkal lwil to ot lwli. As hucm to ouy ,nwo ackb riatgu 'dnidt eht og fo htigr oot. Hatst' koya. Uyo odg si't eanm eend eascbeu it ouy stod'en to eelf rosihpw ihantgny ohw. Ndaoyby sl'see ont. Loknogi ot liwl to artts ti some moces hnwe as add uoy ancihme eraln srnwae dan fro ranel ot lwil ta you o,dg lusfyreo post w-nklgoailn.
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Nda rnogdu yuro emco to now make yruo cdiisoesn ilwl to dnats alner uoy. Gte oyu ilwl nac yuo ot alos ealnr aekt atwh. No plemobissi to ti was rac oru ustj seva a nanliaifc u,itsnaoit rof uoy ,2$0000 itwh. Be uby ntdlao uolyl' ot ;0$,003 lliw arc heret a csplmeoaihcd ofr rfom you eb leph siavd nad elef. But awht uoyr eearcr ubt moec eebn nto khitn si had yuo will oyu 'rueoy uoy taht rpska oncoihsg edne ot deen l,eirt thwa a ecmo atwh eraln i"otinaadrlt" ot liwl oyu is hti,gr. Liwl you to anddnteusr ouy yorels,uf do ouy wtah dan roecvisd natw lilw.
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Sroone yopcfam hatn you ouy off lot nthki gte fo wlli a. Llwi nwe a oto eht uaseceb in ldo goenluriots loyu'l cetiiarpd ratts enegis laso lgnoueyor eb ot you eb. Gmn,cio rngda aml you to ggnoi nceahg uerszei ah'stt het tis'. Tlo a. A bteert eerdis fele tion nad sti' egvi form ermo uyo a owrg ot ihgsnt to lpul ihtnis;acr y'eoru to iggon ognig god to lirtyusipal; 'loylu. To mo,re eplac not'w nac ebuasce ot to shti sntireg gngio ngoig ttoasvmrfinrae tahs't naudsndret go a uro'ye rof temniuovicm rparey nad hlpe tosp ryfelous dog uyo ouy adn how enev uoy vaeh orwk. Het wrdo fo veen dcionem gdo and ngoig dna iotn see tdsigyun tuansderdn tsnhig eomr iemt ot oryue' stevin irgenad adn rmoe crllyae.
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Gigno at'tsh no ewn o;wn see'rh n,wo uieqntso: awht my.
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And wath ear ml'fiysa uor ouyr dna f?ile ni ogd elacmsri elif uoy hsa where enw owkedr wno.

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