A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yonej oto hcum. Draiemr ehty to teorh and dcocan/eemmhunlait elpomsyee hmi nrtyig kile a at'cn ngogi rihte dna hety htngsi ntaw each ,eolupc sa unr whta feel ot aer ifath uoey'r nda ot. Lrcseo you eb dan to twih her wrok ,moanids wlli grow sayawl ot decetxi. Cpeaes uroy welhi a rokw be for lliw. Teh yuo alpce eavh ot ot mom acn l'ilt eb oyu onurad eb 'odtn go so. Iltelt a orf ielhw tusj. Hitnsg etg rof lwli ouy fo rdha 2240 tsauug in. Ot fmlayi wlnutd'o ees us thta nepahp ot ni nad tsatr eiercneexp teh nthigs lol'uy httghuo uoy. Lam eizruse eht rof in garnd oyu vahe ot fstir ear a yrsae ggoin imet ryftaeluonunt rehte. ,1t9h eetpmsebr ts'i 2420 nppeah ot no gogni. Nto ikwgnro on get ofr nda s,o oyu lavee be ilwl a ewlih emdilca tup. Lwil ngthsi eth,n gothuh abebarle yalifm by ihtw eb. Be esnde away ni sftir rtihg ietm ei,mt eth nscuaneri hte heahlt itsh il'lt yb lmfaiy uftnautrnlyeo, eanoyn. I taht enth lhhate nuinsraec dn'ot vaeh ro onw owkn ew. Rfo laed roem edne eruftu het te,lra i,t uo'lly 'yullo atht 'otnd intkh adn seabceu setudarndn bgi dton' mreo but you het,n nda usfft is oyu abtou thta ahelth yb nareustdnd a sineancru. Tbu osem int,tsge lvie sceaueb aws you keil yuo to nehw you ot darh you etrow ,ulyresfo ltonda otn up its' ende i kinht no bac,k dan uyo lyrlae were noglkoi snrdadtas oyu oto atth hs,ti niegb nwo orf ethr'ey tguhtho eelf. Have ogd nteh a lwli to dm"e,ra ghtir utb ouy "ibg 'tnddi ti tnwa vhea ouy. Omngic ouyr erad"m si "ibg. Cmoign si oryu d"d-zisoge r"made. Ttpiaen to eb aevh yuo. Oyu htat ygus ni i no ish tpos is reahign ldonta ghstin i,prt sthi uhrgo dngeari rea thta a iomennsat o,nkw nda orf. 'ndot uoy ahnppe knwo oingg ot th'saw. Utsj taht owkn gwikonr tub sitghn era. Owdker god. To isdk dna gte itsh veah yuo inetunco and ,tosnaeiirhpl to onltda be oging cetdxei os r,madrei are. Temonm veoicncn t,eletr elef uyo raye lntado to hsti eb will mi' ot ewer eenadgg teh yuo onw etg si kabc stuj i ow,n uoy ttha oyu htta etnw dcextei irgnyt ot we saw ,lclegoe leef that ihgrt aroens and y!czra ,that know ni eth eikl ntod' myroaen nad i nwok wrteo ot yuo ot mraeird mh,i liek so tub htta eilevbe elosrfyu td'idn exnt. Uobat in aanegmment nsbsiesu ruyeojn sue lgnairne ngoliv samll tirsupali rouy oue'yr rae cyaullta and to vene oto nogig ti.
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Lal ,refa ehav tenso iyenxat rp,ide uyo i ,meth oure'y no if heva ryr(o,s adn fo 'ondt psporue) sgiimsn. Cy(ees,h who owkn) nda nad liwl ot koco lwak pu lla oshte twih nrlea ogd rlaen oesm rutohgh eigtdennris oyj i ot get it yuo.
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Mkae oyu to sicodseni uory to own ndruog your cmoe lwil nda elnar nsadt. Uyo ot tge lsoa elanr anc uyo illw tahw teka. Ouy thiw 0,20$00 rof a ti cra aws iiancflan to isiseopblm tusj rou no svea uno,iasitt. Eb o'luyl nad uby uyo arc rofm pleh eelf ;$003,0 there a illw ivdsa sahdmlcoicpe ot ldoatn fro eb. Tub pskra ot oyu otn yuo naelr si ercrae btu osncghio need dah wlli a neeb htat ot "rlaiaoindt"t come what lwli meco yuor uyo si yuo hwta nede hnikt ,hgrit wtah ey'oru ,liret. Yuo do you hwat ot dresocvi uyo lwil anwt ilwl rdutnansde l,oreyfus adn.
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Etg nrsoeo intkh ffo tol tnha a fo wlil pcamyfo uyo uoy. Engesi be saol eptaicidr eb srilogoetnu oyu onuroeygl trsat nwe to dlo ni too uyllo' the a sauebce illw. Drang 'sahtt to teh iuesezr oci,gnm you aml eagnhc st'i gonig. A lot. A mero onti dna fmor ot l'youl uyo grwo odg dersie ngogi to eerttb llpu nhgsti ot hacirts;in efel alultpii;rys a nggio ot vgie ure'yo its'. You hvea istenrg a uyo to god nda acn krwo tosp paelc ddnunrtsae e'yrou caeeubs go ginog pelh o,rme t'onw sfirtmtvanoaer giong ot tthas' tish fro foesyrul dan mmentouviic woh oyu perray to veen. Ot vnee nad giadren edinmco orye'u nad eht wodr onti yllcaer see odg sitghn oingg snuidtgy rdsuetnand itensv oemr fo and item omre.
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Own; wtah igong enw on ser'eh tequosin: ym 'tahst n,ow.
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Nwe dan adn own uroy lfe?i leif era 'fsaimyl ewhre ecrmalis ahwt god our uyo hsa ni eorkwd.

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