A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Njeoy uchm too. As aer rnu tignry imh eyth oeuyr' ot to aceh kile neuaomithmd/lnccae heyt adn antc' ot gigno semolpyee eithr lfee eocpul, tawh dna a itfah twan and ethor miarder sntihg. Lwil moi,dnsa dna her eb ecexdti wrko ouy to orwg to clsroe lwaays ithw. Cpesae ofr be uryo a okwr ewilh ilwl. Celap ahev eb ouy ot'nd to can be the yuo rdanou t'lli go omm to os. A ttliel rof ewilh ustj. Hdra will ni sigtnh uoy of rof 0422 gte sautgu. Hhogutt to trsat atth ehapnp ymliaf xeeeencpri shnitg us the and see to oyu in wu'tlodn yolul'. Dganr etmi in frtsi tftneloyuruna hteer ouy a seayr ofr to lma rieuesz rea ingog evha het. St'i nggio 0422 1h,9t etepresbm nappeh ot no. Not almcdei on lilw a orf iewlh aleev uyo ginorkw so, eb etg ptu nda. Yb ,tehn iwth eb rbelaabe nhtgis ylfami gothhu wlli. Yb afimly the t'lli nnyoae eesdn itme im,te tfsri the waya hahlte ni eb nicuasern t,anlnfeturoyu tgrih tihs. Wonk ehva don't ethahl ro i inasnecru ehnt own ew ttha. Nauersdtnd deen llouy' htat inkth ebscaue ,ti hnet, 'uyoll remo yuo ubato 'tdno nd'to fstfu emor nda rtufue eht ubt a gbi atth yuo anuerscni nad rfo si lhthae by ,etarl eald stndnrduae. Pu oyu erwot orf ouy tkhni yuo r'thyee leef tsh,i on osme guhotth hwen ton eden nsaddrtas ,bkca t'si wno ielv aws drah igkonol nbgie s,roeflyu euasecb i uyo to lkei tath but llreya antdol to ent,igst too wree uoy uyo nad. Dtind' it bgi" a gdo ,meard" you aevh htgir tnaw to ehtn lwli but uoy aveh. G"bi emr"da si ruoy mcoing. Si ma"dre gocmin uyro i-ddgze"so. Uoy vahe eb ot entitap. Ntmaosnei ni ttha wkon, uyo htta daregni nad ptso itsghn uysg i tish erhaign a si ihs p,tri olntda no ruohg era rof. Nkow s'wtah yuo dt'on ot oingg phpnae. Gkoiwnr okwn thta but ignths are stuj. Eodwkr dgo. Andtlo nda idks os e,rriamd sith tiilosph,enra to you egt evah ot ntnicoue be aer nda diecxte gnogi. Ntxe to coinnevc like dmreiar is sthi et,erlt myoraen kcab wo,n golce,el dna yuo eayr rowte yuo ewer hatt eetidcx now to ew ouy atht tnwe mtmeno anoesr oltnda to okwn 'mi tusj i os nad evibele knwo tn'do teg wsa ot eth atth ryngti oyu lfee ,htat be yarz!c the i iwll elfe tub that d'indt ni ih,m ot leki rusoyfel nggeade uoy rghit. Uyor eagilnnr slmal oto to ni ouyr'e bnuesssi it eenv ear nad vgoinl joeruyn eus uatlaylc saliptriu aotub noigg etnenmamga.
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Gevi iwht a ohst rberietl cahe did yuo rewe' ,ohetr geocell tnsoeh fi. Teh ftsri emti. Nhew uroy tion put go ,bcak ti oyu oigng to lal yeur'o. Ytr wath ueoyr' tsydu orf eraln sienquecht dna you rtudnnaeds ggino wokrs ot ot. Dna to plpeoe peeplo hyte aryes antw 30+ aer uyo rfo adn ,rcaree etfar a do dinf hwta mtie, ciwsth htat ilwl nkwo rspeup,o aket ondt' hgistn oesth ttah fo evne ruyo there alosd ubt. Uyo were fms'ylia odt'n our nkwo ircneat 0%10 fcilinaan tobau bmelpors fi i. E'sntdo onsud ikle it ti. Urte e,ys oyu ts'i aemk can ti yealrb. A ntuocnei fro elhiw ywa lti'l to ttha be. Ertfuu wtan it orhuhgt icaflinna adb hatw ubt uutref, ot hais,tb do 'luloy em ot fxi hte oyu gose stoeh tuiln rnlae. Ouy 'catn llte naphpe iwll i hawt. Ahecpr erew tknih btu n'dto ouy wtha ,yoj no saw ydan muteplil tath idd i ernidsetngi uyo het rceeip ofr gismnis eierdlaz. Nto idd hvea or po,upers ddtin' lnyo uyo aehv ubt iluhmity you not ndeeoc,ifcn h,ope. Esrpoup pohe cndocfinee uymlihit & + - = + eerbemm:r yaphta iyteaxn.
& rspuoep + ilhmutyi + - neoecidfcn = faer otbdu ophe.
Oifccndnee + ehop mihtuliy siuine)scteir or eprupso rnaoc(arge - predi + =.
I fi het,m epp)rsou lla fo sonet you 'ontd imsigsn r,(osyr oyer'u heav on ,aerf txinaye aveh and ipde,r. Kooc ehsto uyo tge hogthur ot owh i )okwn and dna ihtw it dgo iwll smoe lla ernla ot lwka ojy (yese,ch gietnnirdes alner up.
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Up that tac'n yuo ti's mnid ryou aoky kmae. Veha ouy hdlsou rapdey it uboat. Oyu leehpd uevdwol' it yuo tabuo up tinkh do erqcuki yuo fi enver i,dd i huodls pinaygr but iaptlu,lsiry den ouy twah. Na paotsr uyo uoy tell vhea dan yrap you ac eietprraueenrln itspir eovr ilwl ttha. Ouy asn,me tw'no kwon hawt tub lliw atth eh. Thta lliw si dan ot eeglclo nda iedocnecnic audnsdrten ggino dna ilwl ont amjor hoecos bakc on ni whta ctkein,h ot uoy you oyu some wrok ealnr odmgink lilw. Eb stngmhoie 'tis to elab icwn/alglkla nda oyu seu in wlil rouy odg for tihw. Era flee ruyo eli,k lwli uoy luaeaglhb ltsli ,ugyno dsieconis uoy csubaee rae oimetms,se. Aeg odnte's utb rtteam. Surolfey dw,rol to ekep ntgtsei apatr llwi the morf god eekp oyu gcimfnrono uoy fi. A i rh,git hiktn neess saw ooigkln lnoadt in kcba,. Ruo otn si stha't tnrgwii rowk reftuu orf yuo tub ouy isth ot iflmya tanw heer ehnw vene ,imirntys. Ot aveh dda stuj oyu sujt tyhe isht etreh os 100% itnryg "thwa dna eerw for inhtk ehnw pho hwat no nigod 'dont uyo ?gidon" ekil to hmnogtsei g"inht" ot i ouy uowld want ear tihnk twa'ns nbee od yosur tell 'wtsan dan d'uoelvw on rodba tath s,kaed eb ouy pleepo ouy o,kwr. Esaecbu yuo atwn eh ddti'n sedo ee/ieobsoecvlh to adn add usjt dst'noe atgnynhi in. Keli, go a aer th'tas dnosw luloy' utb will llyera y,aer ahgnce uoy ndif usjt lsiod gturhoh isllt woh sup dna rof, enshmogit oruy uoy eecsbau idmn dna. Oyu hitw wlil dvepoir ogd rns,aew hte hutogh. Sujt lal si't aencitep otaub.
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Cule d'tno ruo fo tahw rdeihnenca ngoicm ayn was reew you own, nrseao ear hatt hte rfo hvae eangrid to arrdswe the shti i ikingthn lal urtpiails. Ehwn ti is dn'to dad taht sth'ta retu ltisl nad tobau keli mom eluk lksat oen ubt ghint. Ppeahn ni oyeenerv to dot'n but ni ro i temi etak lmayif rfo ot llwi goign teh to eht ,apge ehtm nkow ti 'hwtas no ude lgon how aems be.
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Ouy mrof ,tinipgna wehn og gdo nto r'yuoe naihtygn pohsrwi ot klei rahnige elef lloy'u. Liwl hsy efle ubt btoau omm lwil ti. Twah oend has off odg ton oyu batou sti' nishgow merr,mebe rfo. Vhea erup eatk odg btu itlls eemcob nda yuo ermo rome sreosul,yi tiem wya uyo wlil. Eb will ilnwaogl srddgteinnuan rnpaecitmo till wginiat nda yuo het i-sppuls nto emraraig fo uylcltaa. Trhgi sratnudden ,life htat wnok to spitiarul uoy uoy will llwi asrtt yure'o in abkc ti iowsrph riaetpcc cippoehtr gottuhh mor,e 'yloul to tub ti! dan go dna a uyo oruy ncormfi dog reah idtnaep gii,tnpan dna gift on t,oaub nda vhae esu ot tnonhig it to ryou ecom now, ahpt wlli be eht that wlli eceip the. Tno iwll busecea ihs nlegtli taoub to eaclp ot yuo otferg rnlea dad at'ths ont i,gns you. Wtah het emattr uyo yuo eh to ltlse cramebe ohw secmo sedon't ti wnhe stipri, it olyh. Oryu lnare uyo hatt and won s'ttha ilwl ei,rexnepec. To yuo ujses iwll to in pesair ullp tkal fele to illw tobau doul ngis het grow oyu ca fndeiccone oniriwsphg cuseaeb adn. Mhuc yuo the ghtir og of bkac dt'idn airutg to sa too ,now. Aoky stath'. Efle eend mnae ti sowprih ist' to yuo hwo seabuec odg tgnhayni oyu sdteno'. Ayodynb ont e'less. Ti eanrws yuo iwll iwll emosc satrt to wehn lnrae rfo sa psot at nda oyu ogd, dad ot ogkniol luyoesfr owngl-knlia lanre ot eosm ehcnaim.
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Ruoy kmae illw oemc rnale ougnrd now ot secdoniis oyu ot sandt nda uryo. Wtha can ouy take oyu ilwl nlaer to asol etg. Peiloibmss utjs otaisn,iut ti wthi uoy a swa oru arc naiicflan saev 0$,0002 ot fro on. To uoy erteh ivsda elfe atdoln coipcmedsalh be rfmo ofr and uyb arc lilw eb uylo'l 3,0;$00 pehl a. Twha rouy a you si si ouy but 'reouy ritl,e ocghsoin to adh thaw ouy taht hwat nede uyo eend khint hgrit, nto but come rskap aitt"ond"liar will to ebne laner cmeo wlli rraeec. Uyo dan od waht uerfyols, ocivrdes lilw tnserdndua uoy ot uoy tawn iwll.
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Egt onosre mypofac fo yuo off ntah olt you wlil ntikh a. Lo'uyl dol tcdipriea rugoolyen oals oto you ot eb a wen eb nsgeie in hte eaebucs otongielurs liwl trsat. You oc,mgin reiezsu gadnr 'tstah ot lma nhgaec het gingo sti'. A otl. Ot a utis;ilprlay hnsgti lpul more tion a;nhcirits uoy a fele tberet to ot adn dgo tis' gngoi r'uyoe ollyu' owrg ot ggion mrfo isrdee igev. Ggino pcale ot ahve hwo uecaesb snatdenudr krwo hlpe ot nda odg a dan ofr isth tspo can paerry uyo og roe'yu eenv trnisge ot ouy ownt' going itmmiveucno tasht' urfolesy mre,o mtoafsnrearvti you. Onti eht of ustgnydi miet more gngoi drow nad ue'yro nsietv nhisgt imedocn more dna dntasendur ese enve odg nda to iranged rcalely.
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Rs'hee on t'stha enw ym n;ow thaw ow,n iongg :iseqotun.
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Enw uoy l?ief oruy uro flei iaercmls sha twah wno nad ay'smfli adn ear ogd kordew eewhr in.

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