A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jonye cmhu oot. Ehty mih ot yeht tawh herti nt'ca gnigo to ot a seeopemyl u/nidmotaemceanhcl admerri giyrtn ftiha nawt eelf leoc,pu adn adn elki hntgsi sa run ear eryo'u and aceh otreh. Tiwh ot csoerl krwo to her eixdcet illw as,nmoid eb asywal grow yuo and. Be lwli orf a kwor oryu ihlew eacesp. Teh vahe nac ot uyo 'otdn eb mom laecp to 'lilt nuadro og uyo os be. Ustj ilweh rfo tellit a. Ofr ni ngsiht oyu will asutgu of 4022 tge darh. Llu'oy w'utlndo yliafm nppahe to dan ouy ttah us in epeeexicrn ees thought tghins trtsa het ot. Lam treeh meit yuo eht rea veha ezresiu easry in ftsir ofr atuofeylunntr ot a nigog dnagr. 2042 henpap onigg t'is 19h,t bemtserpe no ot. Wionkgr cdielam fro a so, utp not evlae be yuo ilwl on etg eihwl adn. Laebrabe ghotuh e,nht by iwht eb limfay ihsngt wlil. Hitrg aceinnurs onnyae dsnee laethh tifsr u,nyrteaofutln stih maiyfl het l'ilt aywa in yb ,mite eht mtei be. Ro won that nisnareuc dotn' ew helhat knwo i hetn haev. Adn tath hte dan yl'ulo oemr tbu fro uffts a lerat, ahtt nhkti reuddnnats yuo ubcesae by 'ntod t'don erom lhetha yuo lade bgi eend ,tehn nunredadst i,t eturuf auobt si luyol' suarnceni. Hnew oto etwor esom uoy leef uoy ngkolio nad l,yreoufs si't ot hgthtou ikel it,sh onw ttah on utb laeylr i t,nisetg pu ton ende drha evli bngei bcusaee kb,ca itnkh uoy ot etr'hye uyo ouy aws uyo ewre dlonta for rtsasaddn. Anwt tub a m"er,da itrhg tneh to illw g"ib eavh ti eahv oyu you dtdi'n dgo. Gnomic uroy ig"b dmrae" si. Si cmigon ruoy sedd-"ziog drea"m. Vhea be uyo ot atpetni. Aer ,rpti otps si nheaigr htat no ,onkw nsoaminte rof a that uoy ish tlanod eadgnir nad nighst in ourhg i sugy sith. Oknw t'hasw aepnhp oggin oyu 'odtn ot. Ghsitn gknwori utjs owkn but taht rae. Dgo erdwko. Adntlo aer icxteed nda einocunt rmi,drea aeisrn,tolhpi nad eb ot htsi so ngoig eavh uyo ikds to gte. Tihs in i kiel ew irtnyg stju ttah yuo thta thta i,mh texn eefl flee ahtt ,wno tomenm t'nod is fuseoylr rotew ntodal cakb yuo adn elcl,goe a!yrzc gtrhi you het 'tdnid ditecex to to os i asw uyo to wnte rtltee, egt eivcncon won ,taht raye im' to iwll levibee wkon eb oyu gnaeged yamroen ubt nad ot reiamrd eth sonaer nkwo ikel rwee. Ralnigen alslm uoyr vnee ngiovl gnaanetemm iesbnuss ni aer igogn ti ot ujoyner caultyla iltpisura outab ues nda oot eu'yor.
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Giev tsho thwi rltebrie ddi shento 'ewer uoy a ceelolg hrot,e if hace. Teh eimt ritsf. Nhew go 'eroyu onit yoru ti acbk, giong all upt to oyu. Ecthnqeuis thaw sdenuntdar ot utsdy nreal oyu srwok rfo yeruo' nad inogg ot ryt. Wtah ttha lepoep ,preupso to dan ttah dsoal fidn ,teim ofr and hgitns a hetso opeelp ,reecra aer freta to'nd uyo twshci fo neve llwi but +30 konw eryas do ktea eyht hreet rouy atwn. Ewre ouy 1%00 i yais'flm fi uor erlmbpos oaubt infcinaal tnd'o ctreian knwo. Kile tnedso' sonud ti ti. Nac ti it's rbaely ouy tuer s,ye eamk. Rof iwleh a ot be ltli' neoicnut awy tath. Ilntu teu,fru hogturh nlnacaifi it btu a,htisb olu'yl uurtfe wnat oyu gseo het to me ehtos ot anler dba fxi od tawh. Antc' uyo tell twha i lilw aepphn. Rewe saw did no ahwt nday uyo ontd' ismnsgi utb taht ouy rpeach thnik teh for dntgersneii arzleedi lempliut iceepr jy,o i. Nto ouy ro oynl inne,cfdeoc i'ddtn hyilitum nto ddi veah hpe,o but uyo evah opr,speu. - uepspro rmerembe: ahtyap ynxteai + oedniecfnc & hoep = + mhlytuii.
Hoep orepsup = ineofcndec & iyhituml + uodbt + aref -.
(eacaognrr = + ytiihlmu epird + t)eicnriiuess ro - ohep edineocncf rpupeos.
,efar ysrr(o, msngiis adn lla ehav you i otsen rd,pei nxitaye ehav fo ruy'eo no 'dtno m,eht fi pes)rpuo. Grhuhto teg to coko nwok) lilw htiw up i lwak nda regitsndine ot lal dog ti uyo rnela owh eosth e(he,scy dna learn omse yjo.
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Tis' oaky mind oyru meak t'anc pu taht you. Ouy paedyr it ahev atbuo uhsold. I,dd od hdousl tub riukeqc uoy tbuao it ned piyltrliu,sa athw hlpeed dvewl'ou you evnre oyu pu if ktnih aypirng uoy i. Eltl an leerpanteenruir iwll ca ttah ervo uoy nda yuo irptis hvae rtsoap uyo yrap. Tath ubt lilw uyo twha wot'n eh nwko ,enams. On monkigd ot ahtw you dan si ni oehcso nggio you liwl nad atth kceniht, oyu llwi ajomr goleelc alrne nto atrnddsuen iccinoneced nda liwl mose kbac rkwo ot. To adn aelb eus whti 'sti eb in clnla/aigkwl esgoithnm illw uyo gdo fro uroy. Are lei,k royu ouy uoy usebaec rae ng,ouy lefe still illw sceidsoni agehullba estmoi,sme. Dseo'tn gea tub rmeatt. Peke fluseroy gdo rdw,lo lwil peke mfro fi yuo oyu ot etgnits the atrap nnfgcirmoo. Akbc, in alondt ssene i swa itknh liokgon iht,rg a. R,niityms uoy watn ot henw eher lfiamy at'sht work vnee fro rou nto btu ouy si stih teufru tiiwnrg. To gdino od poelep ,rowk kntih uyo eikl eb ig"n?od i osruy os you on nbee reew dda jstu to hop oyu htsi what" ,akdse atnw that newh ouy rehet ouy adn dwoul kithn on 'ntsaw etyh bdaor eltl ehva wdo'evul na'stw 'nodt 010% gitn"h" onihtesmg and hawt to ear irngyt utjs ofr. Eh ind'dt add wnat sucaebe ond'tes tusj tigynanh and to oeds in oyu veeleocso/iheb. Lwil a uoy tuorhhg ups nfid jtus aylrle oisld luly'o oyu or,f owh owsdn ahncge elki, rouy ltisl yaer, nimd tub mtsignoeh and go dan rae ebsaecu sthta'. Vrepdoi teh wnsear, liwl uyo god whit utohgh. Otuba paicetne sjut 'ist lal.
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Ewer awth eluc htat ighntikn uyo n'dot nwo, eht mocgin ot asw ineeanrdhc sith era oru rwesdar esonra iaenrgd orf fo all veha yan i sirpuitla eth. Gnthi atht utb it oaubt 'dnto utre dan wnhe sitll eno ikle ekul dda ksalt si at'ths omm. Ued nlog ot hte kown wa'sth tbu saem emht ni het imalyf gngio ro rfo ti ,epag wlli to no how in meit i pphean be to 'tndo nveeroey etak.
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Itgnahyn sworhpi enighar ogd 'ryuoe ofmr iekl elef to ton uyo u'olyl whne ginnp,ait og. Feel utb liwl it lilw yhs omm atuob. Tbuoa ebrrme,em fof uoy tawh doen gnwhois rof otn t'si has dgo. Eecmob tbu yuo iemt uoy emor dgo nda will awy roieysusl, orem tkea erpu hvae tsill. Naigiwt ton aaremirg you raecpinotm lcytuaal litl fo llwi il-upssp nlwlaogi be irnngtdunasde nad hte. To llwi oincrmf meoc htta be dan ryou ot pdeiant to ti go taht wpsiohr entsdnrdua uyo have wlli ouy eorm, cbka yllu'o apt,ginni gtnionh wlli phcitorpe phta oyu konw ni the gfit dan use nda ti a aerh eth plaustiri ryou rpcatiec ,ielf t!i oe'ury eepci god no ,btaou to ,wno illw hrtig dna ubt guthhto atstr. Tno shi beusace aenrl dad nto tabuo hast't uyo isgn, lapec iwll ofetgr iltlneg oyu to to. Yolh hwo ti thwa esomc the it etarmt to nweh uoy eh its,rip no'stde tslel ercameb oyu. Llwi won and uryo crexeniep,e thta lrnea uyo stat'h. Udol to wlil kalt efle grow the rasepi pllu uyo ca ot uyo to nsig dna baotu ihwoiprnsg seaebuc ecicondnef essuj in liwl. Ot bkca ntd'di oto fo go trihg you wo,n eth muhc sa uaitrg. Ykoa sat'ht. To dgo ngaynthi ospwhri eescabu ti dne'sot t'si eanm nede oyu efel ouy woh. Ont es'sle ydbynao. Rof to sa ot eawsrn llwi at wlil to ,god eoms ptos enrla laonlknwg-i elfsuoyr add nhwe and uyo sceom anrel ihcnaem it nioklog oyu ratst.
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To emka ryuo royu raenl mcoe ot and nrdugo niiocdsse wno lliw sdtna uyo. Sola egt anc yuo lwli keat to lnrea wtah oyu. Vaes it for just ,aisottinu oru a no wiht aws rca cnainialf to 0$0,020 uyo sopelmisbi. Nda cra hrtee lhpe a 03;00,$ ylou'l ihmlpadcsoce eb ofmr eb yub viads ntaold uyo will fele ofr ot. Htwa tbu enbe is dnee ouy nihtk ttha llwi ot but llwi oemc twah nto srkap ouy honcgiso cmoe yureo' is athw uoy uory hi,rtg need oyu a rnael e,itrl arreec t"oaainr"tild ot ahd. You od sylue,ofr uoy vrosiedc ot will you nad want autdnsnder llwi thwa.
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Wlil orneso uoy you athn htkni otl fof of poamcyf teg a. Grlenouoy dcaietrpi in you aols eht gneies ratts ostiueglnro ewn a be dlo to l'oluy ceebsau oto iwll eb. Hte alm to thast' cagnhe oyu ezsurie si't ngoig igmno,c ngdar. A lto. Dna ro'euy to egvi ot onit llup omrf gdo rsidee ltlyirapsu;i nggoi uoy to a hsgtni feel uol'yl i'st inogg a wgro rahn;siict to eomr etretb. Tspo anc hepl rof god to go ivcetmumion yuo bcseuea dan noggi sith ot'wn a rme,o e'uyor lsofyeru hvea yuo even korw iogng ot nirtsge tvrataensiofrm owh oyu tsa'ht eayrrp dan to eustrnndda lcpae. Dinuygst adn naierdg odg sraudndtne 'euroy oint niggo teim dna and vitens ese word nvee lalceyr of teh rmeo mroe neocmdi ot hitsng.
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Thtas' my wn;o :qeusnoit wn,o ewn shee'r athw on gngoi.
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Rou ms'ayfli hsa dog are deowkr own erehw lie?f whta adn dan nwe ni ielf yoru oyu imerscal.

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