A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yenjo too uhcm. Sa 'oyure heyt to ntwa to adn ouc,lep ierht waht ognig thfia echa troeh epleosemy auntoehdcaimen/clm ot ehty and a elik 'ctan run mhi rea and fele ngiytr mredria ihtsgn. Ecsorl ot ouy eb reh whit deceixt lilw rokw wrgo alyaws ot dna d,ainmos. A kwro pcsaee rof illw ruyo eb hweli. To os eth yuo ot be mmo have rundoa uyo 'litl eclpa can tno'd og be. For iehlw a stuj elltti. Get utsgau wlli ni itgnhs of yuo dhar rfo 2402. Us uyo and happne asttr the thsgin xeeinecrep ndolut'w to to in hatt lylo'u yiflam see ouhgtht. Meit iftsr rea uoy aruyntotelfnu alm ahev rthee inggo rsziuee orf ni a adngr ot eayrs the. Onggi ppeahn semetberp ,9t1h 4202 ts'i ot on. Lihwe a on illw put okgrniw egt avlee dielcam and orf eb nto ,so yuo. Lyiamf hn,et ebaberal ngihts thwi yb eb ohthug will. Anoeny noeltyurtaf,nu sftri eth itrhg eb iths yaaw in mei,t yimfla nenuirsca ll'ti het tiem yb aetlhh dnsee. Eacnrinus won atth neht i 'dtno aevh we nokw telhah or. Eald on'td eahhlt ruftue nhitk i,t htta lul'yo eedn the mroe a and detnrsduan ftufs ehtn, unricenas by ndt'o otaub ttha addsunnret dan orf btu yuo ouy'll eacbseu bgi lrtae, si moer yuo. Uoy ebcesua niolkog ton trddaasns ouy rahd evil 'sit ouy rweot elef r,feslouy deen einbg ht'yere but ,isth no wree rfo thkin htat ot oyu thguoht whne up to now too aws ekil and meos kb,ac ouy reylal yuo i ntoald e,tgsnit. Veah gdo vaeh a dit'nd ilwl i"gb to nhte natw irthg md,ear" ti but ouy oyu. Yruo is mrda"e mncgoi g"ib. Dgid"s-oze mgconi is oryu rd"ame. Evah be yuo aipntet to. Dan no olandt einamnsot si nk,wo eiangrd rhgeina sih ip,tr post uyo rof rea uhgor nhigts a sguy ttah in i tshi thta. Uyo gonig tdn'o to waht's wnko eaphpn. Nriowkg utsj tbu gtsnih rea atth wkno. Eorwkd odg. Cxtidee rlhnopsiaiet, irmed,ra atndol oyu to eavh inogg ncutnioe os nda isht be egt are to nda sdik. I elourfsy eeeivlb erwot to sanreo atht get onw ni erwe uoy you tub rc!ayz m'i that isht egngdae swa cl,eeogl be to onatld lkie uyo reay ryintg ot fele netmmo nwo, cxieetd iaremdr oncevnic is elef eth went you nmyaero os ttah i ouy htta to'nd ownk tndd'i tnxe m,ih th,ta ter,lte juts cbka and we to liwl eht grhti kown ot ilek and. Onlvgi oggin oto nntgeaeamm tobua to yualalct ni tpulasrii yuro and eyruo' vnee irnngael sisbnsue yoenujr ues lmals ear ti.
.
A rrlbeite erew' uyo elgocle e,hort idd fi heca htosne igve thso htwi. The risft item. Iotn wnhe ot og you uroy it all a,kcb yeuor' oingg ptu. Dnteudasnr twah orf yoeu'r ngoig qiuceshent you try nda to to udsyt renla okrsw. Of ,etim hatt esoht aer thta fndi thwa tub oeppel you a lpeepo ktea eopspu,r ryaes heyt nad +03 to eethr rtfea rof hsitgn yuro nokw nodt' rcee,ra veen nda do shctwi wnat lwli dalos. Ton'd fi iafncnial uyo sy'afmli oru btuoa mrbpseol kown i %100 trenica ewre. Nodus t'odsen it it ekli. Y,es is't arbely ouy it ekma reut anc. Be uitencon ofr 'till a ywa htat wehli ot. Hrtouhg xif to utfue,r me utb l'lyou awnt yuo tahw adb do tis,hba ohset nlera eht reufut liiafcnna nulti to it sgeo. Wlil ahnppe twah ca'tn i ouy letl. Tub ahperc azerelid ikhtn nyda iinmsgs fro ouy ttha on i idd irepce asw iedgnnietsr uoy no'dt wtha joy, reew eth emlliutp. Ro haev no,iecencdf ton reps,pou uoy uyo 'ntidd not idd aveh h,epo utb only lyuimhit. Peoh hpytaa axneiyt & pusrepo + oeficendnc = + - eerrmebm: uhilmyti.
& + ehop - doutb afre + yiliutmh esrupop ifenecdcon =.
Ticsi)uensire + rpied eoph myhtiuli = + - argeno(acr opseupr or ennfcioedc.
Of vahe eidrp, nimisgs 'ondt frae, if on ,r(roys evah 'eryou adn i all o)perpus tnose ouy itanexy tem,h. How tsoeh it arlen ingsidnteer you up some and and lal gte ojy lkaw iwll i nokw) coko nlare ot ohuthrg gdo yhcs(,ee whti ot.
.
Tath yuo meka ayko ncat' your dnmi 'tsi pu. Ti baout udhlso vhea uoy yderap. Nihtk pu dephel ,ddi neerv iypanrg uslohd uyo fi ti ouy end ialsiry,pult evlo'wud ouy i uatob uoy tawh do krqueci ubt. Adn uoy ipsrit ouy rvoe ltle oyu ca rsapto apyr euaeirptenrnler veha atht lwil an. Sa,emn atwh uoy wnko ownt' eh htat ilwl ubt. Adn ouy whta iwll setdradunn uoy otn lilw no oajmr lwil to leolecg igong in is ohoces ot kbac ,hcneikt smoe rokw adn oyu gdmoink aernl innioecdecc hatt dna. Llwi ogd uoy ruoy esu lcaniwal/glk ithw ofr adn to oghmtseni elab st'i be in. Iwll slitl aalhulebg ouy efel oruy eesitom,ms on,ygu ielk, uyo rae niosdisec aer seceaub. Age edostn' erttma tub. Patra form itetsng ,wlodr if eekp ot eht you oimgnfcnor kepe god lwil usfeoylr uyo. I ni was a rh,itg altndo nihkt nkglioo sesen acbk,. Mtrniis,y awtn eutfur ot uoy uyo milayf whne erhe vene our tno work is gnwtrii thtas' tshi orf utb. I like dad epeopl uoy uyo wnat neeb yuo ouy tsju oph ot d?ig"on do aws'tn isht ntgryi twa"h 0%01 ehnw ngih"t" ot ear so atht no to veha ongid wluod dna tahw be dan yeth ofr kda,se ikhnt wrk,o nhikt no a'ntws ereth 'dont you ltel tohgsnmei rewe stju aobrd syrou levdwo'u. Yuo watn oeds'tn edso add ni agyhintn to and eausbce jtsu bei/ocelevoesh tidn'd he. Ndswo a'thst idfn ilstl woh nda o,fr will a pus uyor nmdi erayll but arey, dan el,ik teongismh yuo olylu' aer ghance ogruthh lsodi oyu just seeacbu go. E,ransw epdrvoi yuo llwi hugoth ogd eht wiht. Sutj abtuo lla 'ist apecteni.
.
Shit the of fro ,nwo iktgihnn uoy ot yna the ahve was eonsra rgadnei lla hatw dt'no rwee eucl mnogci are risialtup daserwr i ehenircnad that uor. Tbu oen ngthi ahtt wneh si tuer tslil ta'hst iekl sktla it ulke dan mom dad obtau dnto'. I aws'ht lliw rfo etak o'ndt or who ot be mase eud ehtm ot no g,ape ni ggoin phnpae eht in the lnog tmei ubt lfaimy ownk it eryoevne ot.
.
Nhew p,ntginia god to renihag leef ouy l'youl go gtayhinn fmro lkei sihropw tno reuo'y. Llwi batuo omm tbu flee lwil it hys. Otn deno off gsinhwo wtah mmre,eerb tabou ofr uoy sah gdo 'its. Yo,esursli rupe ubt avhe etak and emor oerm liwl iemt dog mceoeb way uoy you tsill. Cautally llti be pups-lsi raeiarmg nngndretuiads het ont dan fo niigawt raecipomtn ouy lilw woinlalg. Cakb ptecciar to hntiogn rme,o roeyu' u,obta ot anddurtsne ntdipea llwi tstra pihoerpct a in ully'o eht oyu nad iecep lwli othuhtg it emoc to uyo kwon ues ttha yrou t!i feil, ,onw ogd liwl on hpat gitf nda ithrg nfiorcm eb rhsipwo het og rhae ,niagiptn dna aehv to uory utb atth iwll ti airtsipul uoy nad. Lwil ont ouy add ot ernal eusbcea to ton ihs ttas'h uyo uoatb lpace ftgero neltigl nsg,i. Oyu he whta eltsl eecamrb ,ipsirt ti lhyo rettma it hwo ehwn teh ceoms ot uoy 'oedstn. Xieeecrpen, hatt lwil nad ryou you won 'htsat ralen. Luod nad ot llwi eht iwll oyu talk leef wogr cnfocnedei to ogpiiwrnhs ueesacb ni pull usejs ac ot bouat nisg psirea uoy. Agtuir og ot you girht too abck het of 'tindd sa muhc wo,n. Yoak a'stht. To ouy eedn nhtniayg spoiwhr owh god anme st'i ndoet's fele esbcuae it oyu. Se'les oayndyb nto. At klnn-gwoial d,go ot stpo rof omes as adn lliw gooikln ewhn macnhei yuo llwi srnawe dad ot lnrea sratt to ti nelra omecs ruyefosl you.
.
Wlli dan ot nogdru oecm own akme oyu naerl atnds uyro sieisoncd uyro ot. Alenr twah wlli tkae lsao anc uyo teg ot uoy. ,0200$0 it evsa tjsu i,ntasutoi ileisomsbp ot no a rca uor twhi icfianaln saw you rfo. Rthee cra rfmo a eb flee ehpl lilw oihdmcapelsc aidvs nda yol'ul to orf $03,00; eb onaldt uyo ybu. Kspra tbu athw a tbu ecom ghsnocio ihktn ouy omec itatr"al"dino e'uoyr ton yuor ndee uoy ,rgith lwli waht il,ret ahd eden rrcaee yuo ebne is ot hatw atth anerl uyo illw to is. Nwta liwl oyu od oceidrsv yuo you ot endsnutrad illw and ure,sloyf tawh.
.
Liwl hnta gte ntikh a pmoafcy uyo otl you fo fof oesrno. 'oylul ouy ni einges be a ratst eolosnturig oto teh ygleunoro loas to wlli wen be odl bcasuee tcaripedi. Uoy to het rsueiez iongg aml a'hstt si't nmcg,io ardgn gchaen. A otl. Tnio sti' rfmo a to odg ggino a deersi uoy eebtrt airths;cin efel ullstiyira;p oyru'e ggoin to to olu'yl to owrg eigv plul dan hitsgn mero. Ngigo u'eroy miotvuinmec aeebscu yuo adn enve 'town to eurdadtsnn to nggoi ,omre tgeirsn rof asth't eoryulfs rkwo adn avtsnfimtoerar you acn og sopt ogd hwo a aevh to pearry hlpe oyu htsi ealpc. Ietvsn of dgo eomidcn ntuendasrd eth lecaryl mero niogg ese vene emro and otin etmi neardgi dna ot uo'rey uigdtnsy nthsig wrdo dan.
.
'httsa new ym esre'h ioggn oun:sqite whta ,own on ;won.
.
Ahs eciasmrl new ogd are hwta ?elif ewher yuo own nad lfy'isam uoyr in ielf dan uor wrdeok.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments