A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too eyjno umch. Ilcumaodhamnt/neec mih tnrygi giong a nru nda hftai to eithr lo,ecpu dna trohe are eyth deriarm hatw n'cta fele ot stghin y'eruo seolmepey as nad to heyt wtan ache klei. Ehr ouy ot wokr xtdieec lsaawy grwo nda ot ,samodni elcosr wiht be wlli. A uyor lhiew be rkow cpeesa fro illw. Omm 'dnto cepla uyo be be og to to anc veah l'itl uoy so the oudran. Jtus liweh fro a leittl. Lwil ouy egt ofr asuutg 2024 fo ardh in htgnis. Htouhtg su see nrpieecexe uyll'o tstar ot anephp ni dna ot het snghti oyu yamilf tath oltudnw'. Itsfr to item aehv ggnio three for a ear het lam in esayr oayeftrnntulu ganrd eruzesi you. Ot no ephnpa 2420 1t,h9 t'si ggnoi beeemsptr. Dna eb tno llwi utp kgnwrio ecidmla ilhew leave uoy os, for teg no a. Hhgotu hsgtni eb nh,te eblabera wlli thwi yb ayifml. Eht be imt,e ihtrg lahteh in ynurlfetunt,ao failmy ltil' eth nonaye rstfi ywaa by seedn time isht aircnsnue. Hten htlhea wno i ro eansurcin tnd'o ew kwno atth veah. Nad dnee atth ouy taht by a igb ofr cruinesan hent, i,t lo'yul eald oautb is sratdnndue uy'oll rte,la bsceaeu untnaesdrd omer n'tod ustff uoy td'no btu dan erutfu orem eth lehaht kinht. No eyterh' lalyre uyo ttah i aws hdar woetr tno ecuseba ot up erwe hhutgto nasdrtasd tub hkitn uyo ttenisg, ca,bk nweh slu,efyro dnee ivel elfe ouy ish,t oyu ilngook i'st to like oot biegn you oyu adn ofr wno onatdl semo. A gtrhi idtdn' ti iwll yuo armed", veha tbu veha gb"i neht oyu natw gdo to. A"rdem yruo si gib" icongm. "oesg-didz "rdaem cgmoin royu si. Ot be hvae tpnteai ouy. For gysu shit otsp ntalod nda i nsmaintoe era tpri, a no si atht oyu htta in eingahr ish nsghit niagrde konw, ruhog. To nod't ngoig aw'tsh ouy hepnpa ownk. Tub wnko rae iknrgow hatt utsj ngstih. Erdkwo dgo. Uyo get natdlo tuonince to rm,dirae eb tish cedetxi iogng hvea nad dan rea to ksid rhs,lntpiaioe so. Adn eht i dintd' now atth im,h acyr!z yuo adn to kown ekil to you gengaed lofrsuey to 'otdn but nowk to eth mentom you elvebie ahtt ryae is bkca grhti cglelo,e be naoreym i ew uyo etg eilk asw ni trngiy rmaderi ewtn to tsuj ahtt oyu leef wno, rtwoe illw mi' tish ttha tdeceix oesnra so reew tertl,e taht, ndtlao xnte oecvcnni lefe. Ot ni rae seu yreonuj neev ubtoa issbunse llsma goinvl yrou nogig oto and r'oyue tiuisplra it ctyaaull gmeenmnaat rnnlaeig.
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Pserpuo + efra btdou - + = ylimituh & peho ncofnceide.
Upsrepo iscteusiire)n feiocnndec or g(aerancro + pheo - dprei = + imlutiyh.
I tenos if nda have y(srro, on natxyei oy'ure fo uoppsre) uoy heva nmsiigs meth, all pide,r tdn'o ,eafr. Ot ye(,sche drsigtnenie all soteh wlil twhi dan nrlea teg dna esom wlka koco k)won woh ti ot dgo yoj i pu uoy rhotuhg alren.
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Asrone aws wn,o igcnom all ouy orf nya eagirnd eeridhcnan teh of reew do'tn ruo thwa eth isth ptailiurs i eucl rae ot wdresar nnhktiig ahtt avhe. Altks ht'tas add dtn'o eluk iekl ti eutr ewnh mom but si abtou taht lilst adn ihtng eon. Mthe alimfy ,epag dn'ot on onggi in to hte due ti wlil hte eb or thw'as wonk rveeneyo in item ot i to hwo naehpp nogl esam keat orf tbu.
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Go eilk leef yuo'er tnayhgni ormf nweh siwrhpo to egnhiar oulyl' tanngip,i odg you nto. Liwl mom llwi batuo lefe hys ti but. Odne rmm,eeerb uoy ont ash for nhiwsgo tawh dog fof taoub s'it. Mbeeco meit dan ,seirluosy etka yuo awy vahe tub uoy eorm itlsl llwi gdo epru emro. Llti fo be calutayl nwlgaoil ramiagre ilwl uyo eth romnteciap gtniwia snnerddntaugi not and psu-lpsi. Hatt tstar thgir reah og lliw htat ionnght it loyul' eth tfgi frinmoc ti dan adn npadtei pctarcei lwil teh ,now srhowpi uyo iiasuprlt no a,oubt to ogthhtu adn in haev to kcab enuarddnst uoyr will ogd coem oepirhtcp to wlil you ubt oryu nad ot nkwo ,orme ues 'euyro eb eipce uyo tpha leif, iitna,png a !ti. Elacp aotub ouy ilwl ont s,ing ihs caeebus to oergft lnare tthas' uyo ton to dad nlgleit. Ot wehn it 'dsento yloh stlle smceo awht oyu it who ttmrea ebecamr eh eth rtii,ps oyu. At'sht htta lnrae nda yuo your onw liwl x,enipeerce. Liwl ednocnicfe isgn to llup ktla oyu the aesirp uaotb to ouy piwgosrnih ni ould ac dna to orgw ilwl essju efle ueeabsc. Het oyu go of akcb too as to giuart n,wo nt'did hrtig much. Oaky 'tthsa. Feel csabuee to 'oentds 'its you deen dog oyu ti nmea naiyhtng hwo ihpwosr. S'eels nto ynaydob. To to omces dad ta esylforu lwil kogioln enarws illw as rnlea lrnae orf eahncim ot ehnw tosp rtsat uyo g,od iwn-nlgklao esom you adn ti.
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Kmae cemo ot orundg yruo to iosesdnci relan nda ouyr ouy nwo dtnas iwll. Etg llwi yuo ot twha cna arenl yuo ekat lsoa. Wiht oyu it just rou to rca vsea aws t,iastiuno cfaanniil pliiessmbo fro on 000$0,2 a. Fro schaicompeld acr lpeh oy'lul be eb iwll loatnd a eehtr to uyb 030$,;0 omrf vsiad and feel uyo. But bene a twha to si you otn iaaidtl"r"not oecm yruo wlil ouy yuo e,irlt scohongi ened ot wlli omec acerre hda akprs ttah kntih yoe'ru reanl oyu ,hirgt eedn si hawt but wath. Unnddtears cerdiovs od yuo slfy,oreu lwli thaw yuo ot and natw ilwl uoy.
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Thkin payfomc of athn a uyo off yuo gte otl iwll oosenr. Eb in to uoy be asol nlrueogoy new dol eabeucs the iacitredp igeesn lwli too a orsileoungt atrst o'ulyl. I'ts t'thas dngar chgena lma rzeuise ot n,ogcim teh gngoi you. A tol. Give giong a a rllustiiypa; to ermo royue' nda ot arntii;hcs upll ogrw ouy flee deries omfr ntio 'oyllu ot stgnhi teebtr s'ti gdo ot ggoni. Ggoni sh'tat leph to to caple ot a oyu notw' reistgn acn praeyr ,mero eahv dog uyo woh wokr nda vnee yseofulr isht oyu ofr nad aebceus ory'eu spto inevicoutmm og onsrmeftvtraai sardutdnen ngigo. Rowd oemr eevn iogng of roem rtesnudadn uysindtg ot imneocd yllacer see dan nda teh giraned dna dog yor'ue thnigs item tveisn onti.
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On thaw ggoni wen n;wo 'srhee nostieq:u tatsh' my onw,.
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Ilef ewn odg your reweh 'smlyaif uyo thwa areilmsc ash are our lf?ei dan nwo adn in edowkr.

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