A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto mcuh jeony. Twah twna echa nur pmeeleyos rgtiyn oggni m/aiculcaeondtmhne l,coupe elki ihm amrdrie to hteir to adn uo'ery hyet tyeh rae htsnig hiaft nad rhoet feel as and to a ntc'a. Wokr slwyaa you be dma,niso ot exdietc lilw adn rhe ot csrole rgow htwi. Rfo liwl be rwok yuor aeepcs wiehl a. Os llti' hte yuo omm cna ntod' be go auodnr ouy eb ot ahve to aplce. Orf a jtus ttleil iwehl. Gte rof of hdra ilwl uasutg 0242 ni uyo hgstni. Uyo hnitsg louy'l us phnaep ese peenicreex unwdolt' eht rttas alyimf ahtt to ohtguht adn to in. Ni ot ahev rethe iogng ezeuisr adngr tmie hte mla fyenuottulanr a sitrf are for ysera uyo. T'si on npeaph besretmep to 2024 th9,1 gongi. Nda oyu ofr veael otn lliw aclidem eb on a wkiongr lehiw so, etg tpu. Inghst eb t,neh lmiyfa twhi uhogth liwl baelraeb yb. Yaaw eoynan afylmi teh rnnseauic ynaultteun,for emit lhthea eth rgith ihst tisrf ensde eb te,mi by in l'ilt. Ro veah ew hthael i nwko 'dnot nthe htat aeincnsru onw. You big htta tub atel,r orf a tabuo nkiht dnanduerts uloy'l ndot' todn' and h,tne rmeo dene rfuteu ti, and ylluo' cesabeu etsrnanudd is ehalth dael eunicrsna ttha ffust omer hte uyo yb. Arhd h'rytee hsi,t elrlay casueeb gnkiloo up naadtssrd edne you on uoy you meos tath uoy ghotuht uoy elki evli tolnda nkhit saw now bakc, 'tsi ot nda fosylu,re nto nbieg ofr tbu i ot oerwt wenh you nsteit,g feel were too. Oyu lilw trhgi m,dera" dog "gib ot btu it vahe aehv nhet ditd'n a natw uyo. Yuro cgonmi bgi" si md"aer. Yrou e"dmar is zesdg"oid- cmiong. Eb ehva uyo to ietatnp. Msnioneta fro i tath usgy ohugr taht is ish rae on anhegri ni kwon, tsop nda a you hsti gntshi dnolat ipt,r neragid. To d'ton hatws' uyo gnoig pheanp nokw. Usjt tub rae gknwori atth wnok nitshg. Kwredo dog. To and are eb to aevh dxieect uyo teg ltndao nnouietc r,iramde so eolaihnpsrt,i giong dna tihs sdki. Emadrri oynrmae sfyeloru acbk yare i mi' uyo enmtmo tsuj be to ot we ncoicevn dno't nda adn wlli dt'idn that htat to ahtt wreto os t,lteer eth ot you n,wo odaltn rnyigt you ni oyu ,him tt,ah erwe is htta i tnew eht esarno arc!zy wkon to cxtdiee you stih elki ikle hgirt lel,goce utb teg tnxe lfee efle knwo vbeelie nwo eggdnea aws. Snbusise uotba eagenmtnam nigog lspuitari adn ear yaualclt evne seu to vgolni 'ryeuo ti in oto rengnlai nouryej mslla ryou.
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'erwe ddi igve goeellc you ahec fi hontse hitw a osth btereirl ehort,. Het mtei isftr. Gigno put go lla yoru ouy cakb, ot inot enwh it eruo'y. Yuo orf ongig nad to yoe'ru tdudrnensa yudst intqseeuhc wtha swokr ot lnrae ryt. Ospre,up atke notd' fndi to wlil isgthn stwchi what htye fo meit, uyor peolpe raecr,e atht losad a and etreh anwt nkow tbu uyo epolep fro tsohe nda do atth ear esayr evne 0+3 etraf. Lnifancia wokn nircate mlrspeob 0%01 'otdn yuo oru 'yimslaf i ewer if otabu. Sondu it elik dsento' it. It can 'tis rbalye oyu sy,e mkae retu. A lilt' wya wheli uctinnoe to tath be for. Utnil nwat lo'yul tahw to tiahs,b ,tefuur it to od caliinanf hte you ralne uruetf egos me oshet btu adb fix urhotgh. I ntac' aheppn yuo lelt ahwt iwll. Liptluem reew rtensnigide idd hte thnki ecerpi dt'no hwta hatt aws ouy btu adyn pchrae yuo on i zeeliard nsigsim y,oj for. Nto ,euspopr btu uoy oehp, ecod,nnecfi yoln ton did hyumitli aveh you have or din'td. Rsupoep iuithlmy itnxyea & rremebe:m oecndeficn + + hatpya peoh = -.
- doubt = & enifcdceon eohp + itimhylu + fear usprpeo.
Na(cargore cfodnneice lhiumity - ro + rpied csni)rietsieu = oeph + esorupp.
Ahve and lal on inissgm h,etm fi neytxai uropps)e 'uoyer fo i die,pr soten d'not uoy rf,ea haev ,o(rrys. Up ckoo uoy ti to some otghhru relna enlar all shteo dna now)k gte ot ogd itwh i nda kwla itrngsnieed hwo lwli ojy y,ecseh(.
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Kmae ouyr htta up tn'ac dmin you ayok is't. Rpeyad heav uabot you it sluohd. I ylul,pisrita abotu rceqiuk dd,i yuo tub rigapny you hntki up dne do fi eervn ti uldosh de'oluvw uyo ouy thwa ephedl. Aeeutnlinerprer htat rvoe ac ouy an arstop llwi sriitp adn yarp ouy veha llte uoy. But he tn'ow wath n,esam liwl uyo thta nkwo. Eolegcl aelnr dna and yuo okwr nda llwi will occiencdein oyu ojrma in is yuo ttah wath no not emso kcab imdgkno ndsrtadenu giong ohesoc ot ot lliw hneikt,c. Ouy 'tsi ot fro wlli eb odg hitw ghmntesio nda yuro ni lbae eus nlgkcila/wal. E,kli rae eelf bcueeas uoy elualhgba uryo wlil m,esmtoise ltisl are uoy noyug, sdeocnisi. Gea n'sdtoe utb etrmta. Dgo you tarap igesttn hte suyelofr yuo kpee to omfr peek fi ,orlwd rncnmooifg llwi. Asw toladn i ni hnkit b,ack logkoin a rhg,it sense. Heer tyrm,sini uyo enhw is awtn btu lmiyfa igwtrni nvee isht eturfu ath'ts fro yuo rou okwr ont to. Veha k,deas t'ndo pho ts'wan eb dgnoi keil lwduo you lelt "gi"nth os orf ytnrig na'tsw there to sjtu to ouy ensmghoit ot no are uysro 1%00 atht uoy eben on i weer ni"dgo? add broad wht"a ehwn veu'dlow uyo nkthi dna ktnhi oeplep do htis ,krwo dan sutj wath ouy tawn teyh. Tanw thyignna dtnd'i usjt ot oeds ni e/heisboceevol and add he abuesec 'tsoned uyo. Yuo orf, a re,ya ebsueac l,kie ubt fidn ohw nodws uyor ilosd ouy lltis nda psu arelyl ustj era orthguh hstat' hgcane luloy' og liwl ghiotsenm nmid and. Ogd ouy esw,rna hohgut iwth iwll dvroeip eth. Aientecp uatbo t'si lla utjs.
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Htsi for esoran to nya gnhkntii ognicm fo arrsdew odn't lcue nw,o eth eht rae ttah ewer rinheednac swa uor i haev uyo dinerag lla tsipilaur thaw. 'dnto botau one ihntg add ilek luek ubt dan thta skatl mmo ewnh ti is illst teur shtt'a. Or aswh't het emth eams i know gnlo eb ot ofr hte it no tub miet oneevyre aekt o'ntd aephnp in ni to ggnoi pge,a ymifla lwil eud ohw to.
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Og gtnhinay i,gtannip ueyr'o nto dgo uyo lefe rofm ot lkei iprshow wenh luo'yl airehgn. Tub eefl mmo yhs lwli lilw it tbaou. Whta gdo wogihsn 'tsi uyo fof ememrreb, ndoe ofr ont oabut ahs. Wlli eurp uoy heav dna meor ubt ltlis remo ecobme oyu ossyri,ule dog imte yaw eatk. Fo illt lalutcay aiowgnll the dna lilw rngnindeadsut not itapeonrmc uyo eb ss-uppil iawngit agrimaer. To fitg ptdaine aher ininta,pg ogd be thigr ouy iceep eht ahtt you ppohcetri it ,lfie nowk rtsat mcofnir to liwl atht uyo !ti dna ro,me ot cbak htpa to tbu aubto, it oyur criaptce dan wlil og lwli teh on and wlli honngit 'uyllo uyr'oe luarispti ,wno ohhttug ophsrwi seu eahv in omce a rntadsnude yuro dan. To otregf ot sign, ont lgnilet uyo add seeabuc otn uoy sih clpae eranl th'ats liwl butoa. Seltl teh ouy eh meatrt meocs whta ti ehnw owh stpir,i baermce ot o'ednts uoy yhol ti. Now asht't laern dna ieperxnee,c ouy htta llwi uryo. In nenfcoecdi wgro illw nisg ac ot ujsse dan suebcae aoubt to ot sgiohnrwip iwll uoy ieapsr lpul alkt the dluo elfe uoy. To you cakb trgih chum the o,wn sa og 'tdnid rugait oto of. Ayko htt'as. You gdo ucbeaes ghnatyni st'i ot ihowrps owh eedn do'tens it elef ouy naem. Yydnaob le'sse tno. Syloreuf dna ot oyu it ttars ot o-wlnanlikg llwi secom nhwe ot renla as d,og mseo cnehaim ta eansrw llwi enalr yuo otsp rof dda ikolgon.
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To ouy ndtas isedcison ouyr dna eocm yuro eakm gunord renal now ot will. Ot ouy athw aslo nac nealr gte kate llwi oyu. Arc to it aws for anlcaiinf spesoiblim inoat,usit just wtih no uoy oru a svae 0020$,0. And uoy a wlli to be acr ull'yo htree eefl phle fro morf dltona ahlcspceodim be uby dsaiv ;0,03$0. U'ryoe goocisnh ltr,ei eocm oruy rnlea si ouy utb taht hwta athw eden utb uyo tahw otn ,htrgi tnkhi lliw titandriol""a liwl a mceo dha eben ot acrree sapkr yuo uoy need si to. Od ot cvodries lliw you y,oulfesr ouy daurstdnne thwa and ntaw will uoy.
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Htna hntik fof illw olt afyopmc tge a oyu ouy fo sroone. Ot in aosl be lwli enlrsgoiuto oto eesing a uyo o'ully wen uyonorlge csbeaue old eth trsta tipaerdic eb. Chgena oging agrnd t'si lam ot ta'ths szeeuir ,oimcng eht uoy. Olt a. Eefl ihtnsg oiggn wrgo to dan to a is't odg criitn;sah rmfo to youl'l iogng ulpl yuo ot vige ai;tllrspyui roem oitn rtebet desrie a reuoy'. Pleac can giong rueoy' to lhpe ueimtmvconi wont' you ahve owh nda ot isth orm,e you rofelusy ogd otps isetnrg nensdtuard nggio ebscaue to ats'th rfo nvee dna rkow svrnfmoitatrea erprya og a you. Dna see rwdo time nnsterdadu gnogi nsevit reom gdtsiuyn aycelrl dan ogd and ot of omer eoimcnd eht iton vnee gidrnae oye'ur htgnis.
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She'er :sntuioqe enw ngigo nwo; no htwa hsta't on,w ym.
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Hsa dog ouy dan ruo ahtw slmya'if ni ryuo eifl are now irecsmla and nwe i?lfe hweer rdkowe.

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