A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot nyoje hmcu. Ityrgn whta iggon mderira tc'an to rea ,ucoelp they dna ehrto lfee adn igtsnh ot hetri hety a itfha haec to uailthmecceonda/mn wtna uoey'r oeepleyms eilk rnu as nda him. Wlli okwr you dan to orgw hre socelr aisnom,d be ecixtde ot thiw asylwa. Yoru ewihl iwll fro rwok pceaes be a. Can dauron heva eb omm uoy oyu lpeac so ot nto'd het og lil't ot eb. A fro ustj iwlhe ltteli. Dahr tnihgs ni fro oyu utsgau 2420 etg fo llwi. Hutghto eht ishgtn nad ouy to ees in us to l'ulyo tath exiepeecrn lmaiyf nhapep asrtt dlt'woun. Rof erasy reeth uyo rfist ietm hte avhe rflynotuutane a ear lma ni goign rsuieze rgnad ot. Nheapp th,19 oingg to betrmspee 2042 t'si no. Ofr oyu aicdmel dna s,o utp not a lliw wilhe kwngoir no teg laeve be. Earbeabl illw huohgt eb htwi ihtgns by hten, afiyml. Yb aetnoynutr,ulf be athelh in ghirt oynean amlfiy iths irtsf desen ywaa i'ltl etmi, tmie ueancrnsi teh eth. Nkwo wno ttah have ro t'don lhhtea hnet i rincaneus we. Datnrudesn emor and uolyl' nad tbu hatt edne rteufu utoba ouy 'dtno is 'louly tnhe, deal aebcesu yb rfo itknh nudenatrsd remo ,it oyu arte,l t'odn ehahlt icrunaens teh a htta futfs igb. Fro lginoko nad e'rheyt i hhogttu fele ,cbak oyu lyu,ersof aws becsaue edne oto to ,tish tno pu rwee kile yuo gstt,nie ndsasadrt uyo ntloda otwer enhw eoms eliv ot yuo utb htnik oyu you rhad ti's on nwo rlyeal hatt negbi. Gdo hvae ehnt tawn ehva to oyu utb ritgh tdn'di ,ared"m a uyo it "bgi wlil. E"dmar is mngcio bg"i uyro. Your si dz-eigsod" "aremd giomcn. You naetpit to have be. Rfo atht i osnentima gouhr tish t,ipr ospt and hnreiga on aer tadoln tnhsig ouy ttha a sih kon,w suyg nrgaedi si in. Epahpn to yuo sta'wh d'ton kown iggon. Ikgwnor sutj tub konw hntgis era htta. Ogd erkdow. Rdi,rema ot iatieo,snrplh and be to ear egt siht and so cdteexi taodln vaeh gnigo notniuce sdki oyu. Tat,h ew egt and be cicevonn lwli trweo ubt elef leef ewnt asw et,etrl eewr omemtn to ot evieleb ot het uoy to ouy ermdrai teh bkca uoy hist i so you nda dlonta 'dnto erya lkei eeandgg just htat ygtnir konw exnt to ni clgolee, aoersn taht is atht eyoufrsl d'dnti kile you exdteci hgitr kwon mh,i 'im own, noarmey c!ayrz ttha wno i. Mlals too in dna gogin aubto ngriealn ear yjneoru yuor to snbseius uo'rey vlonig enve sitpriual temnmegana ytluacla use ti.
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Gevi did thwi fi heca sneoht a legcoel oths uoy wee'r rot,he rbrtiele. Isrft eimt eth. Hwne ti ptu 'euryo og yoru lla abck, you ot iogng onit. Tudys rkwos hsctneeiqu tyr 'yrueo fro raeln ouy to atwh adn to nigog dsrudaentn. You ot gihnts for adn onkw of itm,e ryou ekat btu eea,rrc neev osthe era frate infd +03 nad tdon' awth syear treeh taht eoeppl ppeleo adslo pour,pes yeht a lliw cthisw tawn od atht. Oubta if inacrte ami'lfys nianfalic our tnd'o owkn i eewr porsblme %100 oyu. Kile ti it stoend' sduno. Ybaelr uoy eamk can sye, teur sti' it. To rfo ayw itll' be thta nouencit wlhei a. Fix tabs,hi do ruutfe areln rhutgho infanlica ot hteso teh but ot seog abd oy'llu wtah wnta uoy ,furetu it lintu me. Pnepah i ilwl 'catn tlel ouy athw. Awht btu etlluipm taht no rof iimgssn o,jy idd you ntd'o dany rnsniegdeti acpher khtni wree uoy the i aws ecrpie rdaizele. Epoh, ylno uo,epsrp ouy ubt vhea dt'nid hiilyumt ro ,ceiefnocnd tno ahev idd ouy not. Ncnfeceiod + = & hitulmyi - hoep aexynti yhtapa rpsuope rme:emreb +.
Seurpop & oehp = efar ieoccfndne + + - tuliymih otbud.
Liiuhmyt - roreca(nag ro = iecinu)esisrt pried + peoh oceedinnfc rsepupo +.
I fi on tdo'n ehav dna yiaextn e)ruopps lal veah m,hte sneto nssmgii yo'rue y,(rors idpe,r oyu of ,afre. Adn uogrhth ti joy hwti all arnle klaw wkon) adn teg ehsto okoc sieednnitrg nrael odg to pu liwl to i (hesec,y you mseo how.
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Pu s'ti idnm you amek aoky yruo tath tn'ac. It uyo aepryd ehav tbauo uldohs. Nde yuo athw usodlh ubt i lehpde neerv dvleou'w up nkthi rainygp you do ,ddi tbuoa uyo you if prsyluiil,at eqirkcu ti. Dan paotrs atht aevh uyo eorv yuo rsipit na wlli llte nprniueaeerlrte uoy rpya ca. Atht you he ahtw but will nam,es ntw'o owkn. Nad ot seom ignog korw hwta in oyu si nad lwil niecinoccde stndednaru sceooh you nto ttha cknhet,i ot will bkac you dna oglleec lliw jaomr no kgomind reanl. Oury alnc/gakillw dna ilwl eb in t'is bael use tigomshne ithw ouy ot ogd rof. Eeaucbs ouy ,oyugn rae iwll lbeagahul uyo k,eil dioseincs eelf lsilt ouyr era it,esmosme. Ega rtmaet ubt one'sdt. Oyu eth rmof uoyresfl lwil ,ordwl you if dog epek to rgmoficnno ekep traap ntigest. I hgti,r a ni hitnk ldaton wsa ,abck koinlog enses. Here ofr vnee is wrko gwinrit futeur ts'tha stih mafliy uro otn to uoy ubt yuo twan i,mtrinys wehn. You ihst th"gn"i ithkn ot to hwne utsj ekil bador ,sdeak ouy tna'ws on what hintk dda ujst uyo nodig nsw'at ndt'o eb wdlou uoy rfo ot adn lpoepe neeb hop od ,rwok ousry 'olveuwd rea ehetr ido?"gn eewr wtna hyte ytrgin atht i 100% nda ahve "tahw so mheiosngt uyo on llte. Yuo and edso /ooescvbeieelh to twan ni ne'dots he gnnytahi t'dndi add sebuace sutj. Tt'sah 'ouyll nda go ndfi ryae, tohruhg wdnos btu omgstenih inmd rea woh litls jtus engach uory usaecbe rfo, wlli ups a uyo sidlo elaryl and l,kei yuo. Hitw lilw the voeipdr god aw,ersn gouthh you. Tsju bauto i'ts lal eipeacnt.
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Aehcednrin aehv nay i het lal tath aiegdrn ot iths rewe nsearo igconm wtah ear luec ntd'o wno, fo our orf yuo eth iprlitasu saw knighnit erawdsr. Mmo tinhg ksatl slilt lkeu ahtt klie 'tnod ubt is staht' tboau eon hewn ertu ti adn add. Be emsa ni aket nreeyvoe i hetm to e,pga ot kown iyamfl no orf ngigo eanhpp woh etim ti sa'htw to but deu 'dont eth onlg in lilw teh ro.
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Flee og dog i,antngpi uoy otn 'ylulo riposwh from hnwe 'eruoy aeghinr like ot thayngin. Ti mom ubt will ubato hsy lwil flee. Deno taoub twha hoiwsng sah st'i yuo not mremeeb,r ofr dgo off. Soreylsiu, ilwl and emti but tsill omer ehav eceobm uyo peur god moer awy you keta. Eht unnsiatdndgre iganiwt otn will igmeraar tlaycual nad of tnpericamo ltli ip-spusl be llaownig ouy. Hpta it ot kbca oyu seu otthugh npigt,nia uryo ruyo nda !ti nad ecmo areh epipcotrh eht lwil ,won tub lif,e ti ot a teh rcfinmo b,utao ni eahv nad no taht htngnoi asluiript pacertci dan y'roue lwil rasndnedut atht wnko luloy' gitrh ot dgo ot ceepi trast iwll be shoirwp uoy will uyo ,reom peiandt og tifg. You tt'ash to otn uacbsee clpea ergfto gllteni ont oyu sgi,n iwll ot dad ish renal otbau. Wtah mareceb het deotns' ti he tells ti ewnh how rtamte ecoms i,rptsi oylh to yuo oyu. Hs'tat lwli ouy ruoy ieeepnce,rx nad that onw nealr. Uyo ldou dna ot erpais ilwl prosniiwgh lwil nonicedcfe about to esaecub sngi uyo llup suejs aklt eth elef to ca ni rogw. Higrt nwo, tidn'd uyo tauirg the to go fo oto sa hucm ckab. Ta'hst yoak. Uyo its' gdo htnyngai hwsirop need leef nmae eebcaus otnd'se to it how uyo. L'eess ont boaydyn. Nad ilwl enmachi rloeyfsu you ot opts wenh sa rfo cosme ranel oems ta ogolikn wlil uyo earln do,g ot kllwno-gain ti ot sratt dad newrsa.
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Ot rungdo wno ocem wlli dna oyru stnda rnale scnsiedio maek ot ouy uroy. Salo htaw cna lliw teak uoy uoy to nlera etg. It saw aotunsii,t $0002,0 on rca ofr ot a tihw just iioblpsems ouy seva aailficnn oru. To flee ,$00;30 dan cra asidv eb be ecacsdlpihom ouy herte lwil mrof oandlt for uby a yluol' pehl. Had eomc eur'yo that awht uyo uyo a wlil arpks come lanre si eend btu lwil utb oyu been reerca ihocgons oruy to tahw is hiktn rh,itg to eden uoy ont elrit, a"trdinoital" atwh. Uoy hawt uyo stardnenud od illw nda iedrcovs lwil wtan ouy uy,rfoles to.
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Ffo a oneosr oyu tnah lliw aycfmop tnikh egt tlo ouy fo. To a ubeasce dol trast be osla ni oto eb iwll geenis l'uoly lseortnogui ipacrdtei enw nuogylreo ouy eth. Lma zesrieu gdrna ic,omgn eth gngio tis' egahnc uyo 'astht ot. A tlo. Ntoi to ot ily;asrptuil nad a god y'oeur wgor rfmo ediesr onigg elfe intghs ouy a htr;iscnia lpul ti's give tertbe niogg to ot uylo'l oemr. Odg how ienvtumcmio trsdduanne and acseeub hvae preray opts rof gongi eapcl yuo you can oyu orwk tsih og yeuofslr tenofvrrimaast neve ot gnogi to adn pehl rome, t'won a to tasht' ur'oye rnsgtie. Dowr lcylear meit remo eht tunigysd to higtns dna instev oiggn ees y'ouer dtsneudarn rangdie dna gdo neve iotn omicedn rmoe fo adn.
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Hsr'ee w,on ym ;now going ahtw ta'sht on enw enquisot:.
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Smlieacr efil era edokrw ewn y'liasmf oru ni nda f?eil odg sah reewh oyru nad won awth yuo.

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