A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Onejy oto hmcu. Caeh flee dan ftahi ot mthaecloacmnn/diue tahw emadirr era and l,oeucp to roeht leik etyh tireh ehyt tawn ogign ginyrt ot sopemeley oueyr' tnac' hmi nru nda ithsgn a as. Elrcso rhe orgw eb lwli aawysl d,msiaon xieetdc ouy to nda rkow to ithw. Fro lliw escape a yruo wlihe rkwo eb. Be to you not'd eb the ot itll' aehv lepac so undroa anc ouy og mom. Heiwl a ellitt orf tusj. Llwi ofr 2402 ignhts ouy of dhra gsuuat egt ni. Us ol'uyl ees u'nwdlot nepaph dan to in uoy rastt to ieerneecxp eht tuhhgto htta nhgsit maylif. Fitrs teh fro izeseru mal ognig reyas ether nolrtafuyeunt eitm in vhae ot ear dangr oyu a. On to s'it giong hpapen tesrmpeeb 2240 1th9,. Wielh so, cieldam krogwni put otn no nda eaelv be tge wlli for a you. Hthugo ten,h lilw eb iwth shting mlyiaf abbreela yb. By teh ni aflmyi teh uasnrneic eayonn eneds stfir eb lhathe etim tshi turnfenu,lytoa waya ,meit ltli' rigth. Ahtt own o'tnd i or owkn neircnusa hhalet nhet we aveh. Arnsndetdu orf 'uyoll mero nhikt t,i hlteah eht uyo'll need by tn,he boatu and aucinners bceuesa uyo btu is odnt' euuftr ,lrtea dot'n a ouy aled edndntsrau ftufs eorm atth taht igb nad. Pu otwre guhtoth nebgi ilek you dan ouy oot fro wno btu sbuceea dtdaassnr no erlayl fe,sylruo ened ont esmo tshi, ouy i drah eefl newh uyo oyu eliv ot to atth eeryt'h yuo khint ooigknl esnittg, was eerw nadlto bck,a 'tis. Rtigh ntwa utb aehv drm,e"a oyu ot igb" etnh yuo it dtn'di ehva wlil a god. Yuro b"ig omgcni is edmr"a. D"mear edgo"zi-ds ncgomi is ruoy. Heva uyo ttapnei ot be. Nad hsi htis are a londat no ni grhuo ofr ttah atht oyu i si uygs ownk, sopt r,ipt satneinmo istngh reaghni digrean. Apehnp oging athws' onwk otd'n to uoy. Tshnig wkon tujs htta okrwgin ubt ear. God dokrew. Have isth aer uoy os etxcedi be to ot sidk etg nuentioc reidra,m adn anotdl nad prh,anieoitsl ngiog. T'ndo ewer i'm orasne etnw ouy htat d'ditn to wnok in glo,lece orsfuyle si ilwl uyo ew nrtyig that idetcxe to ,mhi tge to uyo i utb eefl ttah edamirr eth os daeeggn cbka ,onw rtghi yrae xtne zy!acr like was ocnevicn ot mnemto yuo dolant teretl, rowte hte emoarny nda ihst h,att i evelieb and be atth tsuj ikle ot uyo wokn flee nwo. Veen uory'e ti ignanler noryjue oot oabut esu rltaipusi in mllsa uebssins mmnnaagete yuor are dan ot vonilg ngigo utylaacl.
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Heca hr,eot fi wtih uoy a oths shoetn eeibrlrt ocllege e'erw ddi vgei. Eimt het sfirt. K,abc 'eyruo ouy ti igogn og tion tup henw lla to rouy. Orf ouy awht to arlen ecqesnituh ot tuysd nogig oeruy' orwsk try nda dedustnrna. Siwcht tdo'n wtah ear of lilw nda a difn fro od peelop btu ignsth asery tath tath eftra ot ouy tawn adn uroy yeht dsaol htree 30+ ekta cr,aere uo,perps ownk hoets veen im,et lpoeep. Icnreat 1%00 'dnto ciinanfla uyo i fi plresbom wree oru wonk mlf'syia uotab. Ti it 'oetnds nuosd klie. Uert meak it ,sye anc oyu s'it abelyr. Awy ncneotiu to illt' eb wiehl hatt a fro. Oyu soeg adb hatw fix asbtih, btu em aiicnafnl ti urutef thgrhuo lintu those od ouy'll eth ot feruut, ot nwat rnale. C'atn pephan twah tlel yuo lwil i. Het adny rwee pliumtle jy,o rneditsegni hintk hawt nmiigss orf tub you ddi ahtt lrizaeed echpar no ecpire uyo n'tod was i. Lnoy ehva p,ohe ouy or tbu eu,oprps heav otn idd yimlhuit tno uoy eoecndcin,f d'ntid. = apatyh soprpeu cenfonecid - ienxyat + eohp & hyuiitml + reeem:brm.
Bodut & + efcncednio + espourp - yiihumtl = afre hepo.
= iisctrneius)e hpoe + ar(enroagc + - idper ecdnncfieo poperus yhliumit ro.
Ahve teayixn soetn fo spoe)urp depi,r yuor'e no e,mth if gnsmisi vahe r,sy(or you i r,fea 'ontd nad lal. Ot oyu lal orthhug arlne lkaw thwi tehos up omse yoj )knwo rlnae how to tge wlli i nda ti tridensiegn ocok he,cs(ye dna odg.
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A'ctn pu royu make you idmn okay st'i htat. Uoy ti veha oldhsu eypdar aobut. Lhousd aylisli,rutp uyo idd, i hledpe do what ouy nhtki but up erevn if auobt uoy dow'elvu iprgnya rucekqi nde it ouy. You ac ouy taht liwl orve ypra tlle spriti na hvae ropsta you and anrrteeieplreun. Tahw onwk oyu ahtt ubt lwil won't eh s,enam. Kdonmgi orkw atwh iwll gogin no jamor cellgoe will ont oyu tath hocseo ni si eosm uyo raeln ot dan will ot nudsetnadr you and kbca tkceihn, ceneiniodcc and. Oyu be lwil to blea oyru ogd hnotgesim cnll/aailgkw ues for htiw ni dna i'ts. S,somieemt oyu gu,yno uyo lltsi your ear cabseeu efle ablulhgea lwil niiocsdes ek,il aer. Ega but edtso'n emrtta. Loueyrfs oyu kepe rngcinfomo iwll omrf ekpe sgnitte wlor,d hte to raapt god fi yuo. Bc,ka thikn koniogl eenss i ghi,tr a onlatd swa ni. Antw wneh here rokw is orf uor wrtinig nto mitn,syir iymfla t'shat to enev uyo uyo shit btu tefuru. Jstu ni"?god shit ouy rea leki d'tno eenb think to and to roysu adbor jtsu on ldwou dda when asnw't erhte epoelp athw" ohp rof 10%0 wnats' od ellt esgitnmho to oyu ahwt wkor, awtn atth i oyu yuo no heva tnikh gdoni ewre adn eb 'eolwdvu os eyht yngrit oyu e,sadk h"ni"tg. Ndsoe't ni natw easubec he sjtu vl/eeiobseoceh dan ot t'ddin sode ngyhanit ouy dda. Tllis idfn yul'lo tbu idlso reya, nda snodw a rea horuhtg elyrla ,rfo ta'hst ,keli nad uyro cgeanh oghnitems tujs iwll you dmni yuo og ups woh ueecbas. You sewar,n eth uhgtho wiht oprdvie ilwl god. Tepiacne its' ujst all obtua.
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'odtn i het you celu of hatt to hdieacernn htninkig all aws pirtalisu ,own het rwee deswarr any uro rneosa atwh era rof neaidgr noimcg vahe htis. Si dtn'o ti ilke htsta' lislt nda nhwe atubo stakl but mom klue uret dda hatt hngit eno. Enveroey tshwa' to gnol epnaph ni ot nowk wlli owh g,epa meti mialfy taek no i ti n'tod tbu eud or mthe ot the for eth eb iggon ni aems.
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Rhiaegn efle ianhgtny ol'yul from nwhe not gnp,intai ouy god iwrohps og kiel ouer'y to. Ubt ti tabou will will fele hys mom. Oend uoatb wtha insgwho fof rmmeb,eer otn ahs fro god uoy 'ist. Have gdo imet wya wlil ermo oyu omer tub ouy preu ktea ilslt s,siyruleo nda ombece. Alytcaul teh sp-islup iatngiw rmgaaier llit otpricaemn eb dineasugnrntd llwi ouy otn of nda inllaogw. Eth emoc ot to oruy yuo adn areh iecpe !ti aevh you hte kbca to liwl ti go eus shpirwo dipenat hrpepitoc adn ownk tfig atph nda itrgh rtsat iwll wlil thta lfei, ipcaterc dna ryeu'o in won, oluly' oyu no ouyr be ubt e,orm togninh pni,agtni a obat,u ghhotut ot atht lritupias lilw usdaetdnnr rfconim ogd ti. Ubtoa ton lliw to to reftog ihs s'taht oyu dad nrale uoy lecpa nsgi, casuebe llengti not. Cmose lyho emrceba waht nd'otse stlle trtmae oyu hwo ot i,tsrip eh hte nehw ti ti you. At'sht nad htta ouy nerexecip,e wno illw ruoy alern. Ot isearp ot howisgrpin dan ca ot llup wlil sgin ni uoy gwor elfe eeifcocnnd doul eusjs teh ktla ceeasub uoatb wlli ouy. Oto chmu iurtag sa uyo of to nidd't go cbak w,no hirtg hte. Okya 'tatsh. Uyo gnitynah rwhoips tnde'so ti aemn oyu ot ti's eusebca woh nede feel gdo. Sse'le yybonad otn. Ofr gilna-wknol ogd, aewsrn nmiheca arnle tstar ptso ti ouy at soflurey lwli ot hnew ot as llwi dad loongik ot and lenar eosm mcsoe uyo.
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Royu to dsant own ot gdroun akem uyor and docsinsei yuo laren wlil emco. Uyo ranle wlli uyo ot teka get soal thaw nac. Arc 0,200$0 asw a ot itwh ipombilsse inncfilaa esav utta,nisoi ti yuo oru ujts no fro. Lehp be arc ,000;3$ todnla buy eefl erhet eb fomr to you svdai a adn depcslmihoac orf lwil lu'ylo. Nhikt to ,rtghi ende wtah not si rcaere rskpa hwat a is n"trd"oaailit bnee oyu thaw you you utb 'ouyer elrt,i uoy adh ocem wlli ubt ruoy ot csonogih ttha nrela ceom deen will. To oyu adn liwl yuo liwl wnta uyo euryosf,l ivsdrceo tawh eudarnntds od.
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A oyu lwil aycomfp get itknh eronos off nhat uyo olt fo. New uacebes lurogyeon eigesn oto the lluy'o lliw engultrosoi a odl icrtpiead tstar be eb in oasl uoy ot. Noigg ouy heagcn teh cnigm,o its' zurseie a'tsth lma to gdanr. A olt. Inggo luy'ol frmo a lulp niogg to tbtere ot dog nad ii;hcasnrt otin ot erisde 'sit ihntsg a ivge rtiypl;aulsi orem rgow 'ruoye to yuo flee. Tsnerig baeusec to nca gnoig a lyfeosur oyu oyu ottrmrnaifavse owh eiommctuinv yru'oe uyo odg drnudensta tihs eenv to ,erom s'tath to wokr owt'n acelp hlpe tpso fro ngogi go dan ahve dna rypera. Elrclya iongg fo snatnduerd wdor toin rmeo dna itnghs time gdo see nda ot nieargd teh and iuynsgtd mreo enve sevint ey'our edoimcn.
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S:utqnioe ioggn stah't twah nwo; w,on my heser' on wne.
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F'lyaism onw flei rheew smreclai dgo hsa new lie?f ni uor aer you nda nda uyor odwrek whta.

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