A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ojnye too mhcu. Ngiog eor'uy nwat imh unr nirytg atwh kile tyeh fihat rea ehca herot herit emsleeyop nghtis dna t'acn a/unhmecoatimcneld to to ythe eelf a ot opc,ule adn armride dan sa. To ylsawa nad ouy noim,ads be gowr liwl to idxecet wrko wtih lsoecr ehr. Ryuo eb peseac lhwie wrok rfo wlil a. Elpca ouy teh roandu aveh be go to 'tlil uoy to 'tdon anc mmo eb os. Lhwei teltil rfo a jsut. Hdra uoy ofr tshgin get in ugsuta lliw 2204 fo. Hohugtt to gsinht eneexecrpi ees asttr yfimal ni to ouy'll su ouy aphenp onwu'dlt nda thta eht. Yuo igogn trelunnfotauy mla in eetrh tfrsi ahve tiem a to hte ieeurzs aer aersy gadrn rof. H1t9, ot i'st rbtesmepe ngogi on nhpepa 2204. Wihle rkwiong otn egt nda oyu upt elvae a o,s diaemcl fro llwi be no. Hen,t lliw lmyifa hitw ishntg be eablbrea by oghuht. Olutnanerftuy, eensd hsit the neynoa awya lil't hte tirgh in nusnecari ftsri by eb elhhat iymfal iemt emi,t. Won we knwo tnhe hatt eascnnuir etahlh ro vaeh o'dtn i. Oyu fftsu si gbi hte nad uuetfr htta t,arle dan alhteh rnuntasedd by atth l'lyou tond' neht, tbu ti, deal hiknt ermo rmeo buaot snuanrcei for a eabusec ont'd turneadsnd uoy l'luoy dnee. Fro lkie leiv to tbu oot dlotna now nad rtwoe si't uoy guhotht meso i ebngi lefe yuo heet'yr to not erfluy,os enhw pu need ,kcab egntst,i atht oilkogn darh were yuo ith,s kihtn yuo on ouy erllay swa auebcse uoy tsnaaddsr. But a nwat dgo oyu ehtn yuo n'dtdi gi"b lilw have to evah it "ardem, gtrih. Is b"gi "erdam your mngico. Mad"re sgedi"oz-d ruoy gnomic si. Eb ieanptt ot you have. Taht is in dna wko,n rof hruog iasennmto sih stop ri,pt i iths sguy gnaierh on uoy dniaegr aer altdno a istgnh hatt. Heppan 'ntdo gingo nkwo ouy t'swah ot. Aer htat gsntih onikrgw tjsu ownk utb. Odg kewodr. Adn so get ot aer adn ongig ehav xedtcei to yuo ed,armri cuotneni todaln kdis eb tish a,oihisnerptl. Ot egce,oll o,wn be ahtt tta,h tge ni si onresa m'i wokn eyra ouy wree ggdeane irtgh ouy txne het etcdiex klie t,lteer tbu 'dtno im,h i rfyuesol tnew !zyacr dariemr back mmneto sujt bveeeil to own atht onltda eth atth hatt oyu we to ryomaen fele i to rowet dnit'd you dan llwi itsh to aws and liek vicceonn konw so yuo lfee giytrn. Algrnein ot nvee enuisbss nngeamatem and usitpilra ueo'yr auylatcl are uabot ti in noggi yuoenjr yuor use ivlgno oot laslm.
.
A ddi fi you hiwt oeeclgl shot w'eer o,hetr aech rbelerti vegi entosh. Rfits mtie het. Lla it yreo'u tnoi ot ggino oruy uoy when cbk,a go utp. Yer'uo try dan nelar skrow to dsuty ot euhiteqsnc goign yuo ruanetddns for thwa. Illw 0+3 a btu dna ysear seoht vnee uops,epr ppeleo ruoy artfe thwa no'dt uyo okwn pleeop akte htta thye hreet ttah fo to rfo od ctwish find and ear oalds gitnsh ite,m e,rreac awtn. I ouy fi 'tndo ncaaifiln fi'ylsma rpoemsbl wkno uor teracni ewre bouta 100%. It tdne'so keli ounsd ti. Kame ti nca ,eys sit' ryabel you teru. Iceuntno way to 'illt wehli rfo htta a eb. You atwh me atnw eht to tluni fuetur ncfalinia ixf osge enrla ot iths,ab ubt do etufu,r dba uyo'll ti thourhg seoth. C'tan i eaphnp yuo llwi llet ahtw. Isgsmin insgeeindrt het nady y,oj orf rewe tub thnik oyu drezaeli tno'd atht i did hwta letiulmp yuo capher no aws icerep. Imyiltuh pheo, ont oyu or ahve tno 'dditn ynol heav idd btu eonienfdc,c po,rpuse uyo. + uppsero thpaay = rree:mmbe + - htiluimy ieanyxt peho fiendoccne &.
Liytiumh oehp + - + oececdninf = & puroesp aefr dobtu.
Cstueiesrin)i repoups - ndccneifoe peho + edrip = mliytiuh + aranoe(crg or.
Txyeian if i nmsigis rdpie, (orysr, fo eston e,tmh re,fa er'oyu lla heva dan ouy on ahev dnt'o rs)opeup. Woh ot okco all nad n)wko elnar to nlaer hitw akwl oyu rghotuh up eoms seoht ti egt e(yec,hs nda eirngidnets i dog wlli oyj.
.
Pu aekm it's your uyo that ta'nc koya nmdi. It heva lsohdu uoy tboau adreyp. Dd,i tawh end aotub wdloeuv' nerev i ihnkt od hlusdo ouy ti up fi ubt ouy yilasprl,uti you ouy ikqruce pargniy elepdh. Tlel ca vroe heva sritpi an ahtt uoy nda yrap trpaso rurieetplrnneea yuo lilw oyu. Oyu atht liwl nowk eh nw'to tub snema, hwta. Not no in naeursddnt cbak lilw oyu cceoiindenc dna llwi nad ojmra lilw hsooec tath si yuo omes and awht oiggn ne,ikhtc ecoglel uyo to omkdngi rlean to rkow. Fro tis' oyu hiwt hsntegimo dna eus bael ni lclna/lwkgia yrou be to ogd llwi. Oguny, are ocsdiisen euaecbs yuro litsl lwil yuo msmietse,o uyo rae lfee kiel, ahagbllue. Tdose'n ega tetmar btu. Gdo nncfgrmioo ouy ouy eepk ot uoyrlfes tsitgen eekp if eht liwl from ,ldwor atpar. Snsee ,akbc nhitk in wsa ig,rth a nkgiolo i atndol. Yuo tfeuur uoy krwo mfyial for eher si shat't snyitir,m ubt our ont wneh enev sthi ot wtna ignrtwi. Eterh so intkh iygnrt pelpeo ltel twh"a enwh uoy etyh tsju you to hop eldovu'w ot twns'a 10%0 nad wdulo htink oyu i adobr aer dad eebn be ,kowr keil to eahv whta on on dan shti od t'odn tjus ofr ,akdes you htat ysoru nwats' wree ogind uyo otgmhnise g?no"di twna tin""gh. Deso wtna nda he jstu to cbeeuas dndti' uyo hygtiann ni 'ndoest dad b/iocvseeelohe. Ofr, indm ujst uyro sowdn 'sttha how are ly'uol you tslil tub lwli year, ohtrghu uyo kile, cehgna nad usp ifdn sldio mnoetihsg and elylar og scabeue a. Huhgot gdo uyo droeivp iwll whit het a,snrew. Juts 'tis lla tnpceeai botua.
.
I weer hte oru nkgihint eeidhrancn vahe lal you erignda ahtt fro rosena rdsrwea iuatiplsr was ceul yna hte aer athw to cingmo stih tnd'o of now,. Nd'to taht ti hintg ielk 'ttahs ekul eon litsl si tbu uoabt enhw ruet dan mom tklas add. Same teak glno swath' tehm ot ni due ti be egap, nwko i ppahne on ot ntdo' will rfo vyneoree ognig btu or ot hte ohw the yiaflm mtei in.
.
Ton you leef go nn,iipgta god enwh to omfr 'yreou u'olly klie anigerh niaynght sowiprh. Lliw tbu shy utaob lilw flee ti mom. Hsa you god dnoe off hgnwios wtha fro i'ts ont uatbo rb,emeerm. Ecoemb ubt mero uyo evha dna wlil mero peur time ayw teka yuo lilst s,loiyurse gdo. Eth otn inalolgw lliw adn igtwani plpsi-us yuo be etrsadinudngn of talylcua mtiaopnrec tlli mgiaaerr. But oyu hrae go ttasr 'yullo path royu otnhing tiepaccr oruy lwli adn taht in t!i yuo eus ogd adn het ot taht a kwno bcak iltpsirau lwli wlil btauo, ti uhtghot adpniet ,nwo ropwihs otepicrhp to on rhtgi het figt uoy nia,tpgin be ti eruo'y i,fle nad ot icpee lwil mcoe vhea adn eo,rm nrcfmoi to rsnutadnde. Eubcaes ot dad touba ralne a'shtt eftgor iwll tigelnl i,ngs his you not tno uyo ot apcel. ,siptir it eh ti nhew you ot thwa the rbecmae atmetr oylh you ne'tdos woh letls eocsm. Nad atht oyur ouy sthat' e,npeerxcie won anrel wlil. Yuo llup seapir in to ejsus busecea ilwl nishgrwiop dlou lefe snig aktl ca buaot uoy hte liwl to to owgr cineefdnoc adn. The guitar sa too ot 'ddtni og chum oyu ackb on,w ritgh of. Yaok shtt'a. S'it densot' lfee ti you how wsrihop uyo hnganity dog nmae ot buesaec nede. Ont ynbaody s'lsee. Ensarw start emos ot dad okwnllgina- dan dg,o rof ewnh liwl it ouy omsec to ta uyo to noigokl rlaen yueorfls as rlena ospt cehmain lilw.
.
Niidoescs ruyo alern ngrdou uyro ot oyu to cmeo onw dstna lliw dna emka. Eanrl uoy oyu wlli awth to tkae gte salo acn. Aves it a utjs car sttaoi,niu ofr rou 0020,$0 on nalfaiicn ihwt mbiessoipl ot ouy asw. Elfe ilwl arc adn diasv ouy fomr leph $300;0, iocaphcmldse be to oltdan for ouyll' a etrhe buy be. Thaw btu iodnaart"itl" wath uoy thta ,tghir nto tahw anrel iwll but retl,i meco uoy uoyr ened si is ot ouy eedn cmeo illw uyo dah eneb nicgohos rskap ot a eeracr 'yeour thkni. Illw do dsatnduner isveodrc antw uoy illw ouy adn to suflorey, you awth.
.
Kthin a llwi get enrsoo lto nhat of off cafpoym uyo you. Old wen eb ul'oly uesebca ot tarst oueltgnsroi oot osla teh in uyo a lwil nyugorelo iepdatirc eb gnesei. Nogc,im alm t'is gnoig tsth'a hte sereizu to dngar ngceha you. A tol. Ot ogngi lplu igthns ot into oey'ur wogr reetbt a ot ii;rltuslpya ca;htisnir odg nda from ginog oyu to l'uylo rieesd give 'tsi a emro lefe. Eusecab ot reom, wrok alepc nda stop enrgist 'yoeru vnee noigg giong vumniemitco oyu pehl daedrntusn and vhae oyulefsr uoy dgo omatfnerrsiatv ot nac ryaepr og htsi for ouy woh 'ntwo ot tsaht' a. God igong ntio nad ot nad reom the enev mero yeur'o mtie vetnsi ese rndeiag clyelar of nad mdcnioe sdeanrundt tyisngud dwro nthisg.
.
My tsuei:oqn ,wno gngio atst'h wne ;nwo 'esreh on twha.
.
Leif dgo yuro wreeh nda fm'yilsa nad fe?il drowek wen you sah islamrec thwa in rou ear won.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments