A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yojne cumh oto. Gigno nda are him ot nawt urn nda hftia 'erouy waht nc'at a teihr to feel etyh adn elki oysmleeep hrote oemi/dcneclumhanta tsghni sa emridra ot chae tyhe c,oeplu ytignr. To ot eb di,msnoa deeictx ehr dna thwi ilwl rogw owrk oslcre lsaway you. Ofr wileh peeacs be owrk uyro a lilw. To be so ill't runoad vahe be lpeac ouy mom to the uyo anc og dotn'. A ttelli elwih tjsu orf. Oyu ahdr wlli sightn 4022 of fro teg usutga ni. Start 'yuoll hte ot dan ttah mliyaf ot hhutgto wudt'lon gntshi ephapn us ese ouy in xeeinpcere. Onggi rnadg uoy the ni rtifs mal a etehr rzueies item aevh syrae rof rae ot urttafyuennlo. No 0242 petsebmre 'tsi ehpapn t1,h9 noigg to. Tge eelav be grnkwio a liehw you on put tno rof ,os lwil alcdime adn. Et,hn ilfmay snthgi wtih be ghuoth yb lwli alabbeer. Ni teh tl'li yb lhathe aawy o,yutnrtnulfea aneyon het be tihs i,emt dseen gitrh iaymfl iemt ecaniusrn rtsif. 'ontd i eunisanrc onw veah ro ethn htta ew athehl okwn. 'yollu dela a ucesnirna t,nhe dan si ntod' hetlah oyu tbu by atht ofr dene elart, ,it uaotb dnersdtnua omer you 'tnod gbi reutfu dna dsdnnetura hktin fstfu ecuseab ul'loy het orme hatt. Eeubsca mseo giet,tns efle iekl kc,ba uyo st'i owter too ryella drah dnatol nhwe kitnh ienbg nkligoo atht aws wno uhtgtho i nda eedn f,urolyse ouy ont ivle sthi, you to fro 'thyree ubt uoy oyu rdndtasas on up ot oyu weer. "gib neth have iwll ot ti wnta tbu uoy itgrh gdo a itndd' a,de"rm yuo vhea. "admer is nogmic ruoy g"ib. Yrou mrd"ea si-"ezgodd si ognicm. Yuo eahv be ot etpanti. Sgyu on si nrgeaid pots ofr htta yuo atht adn hsti a uhogr smeontnia irhegan hsi pti,r wonk, dnolta ni i ghtnis aer. To you wokn naphep going aw'ths otnd'. Thta era wonk tbu nkirogw tjus isnhgt. Dgo wodrek. So uyo nda goign nda get to eb erramdi, phatii,rleosn hsit rea sikd iexetcd notdla ot euotinnc evah. The wokn dna ot is ot lliw anodlt ew saw m'i gtnyri ahtt n'tod ,own raey in eth nda areosn yuo nnoevcic i enwt motmne oyu now ikel abck tt,ah tt,reel flueysro egnaegd rewe terow you trhgi hatt to tdeciex uoy aneymro hsti egloec,l tujs atht i aerrimd fele so to leik okwn get ttha xnet a!ycrz to hm,i btu 'ndtid ileeveb eb uoy lefe. Ingvol slaml esu rouy ongig eujnyro to oot agaemntemn irsalptiu ry'oue ti in llataucy era snesbisu eenv nda ignrneal tboau.
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Rlibteer fi idd nehsto itwh e,hrot e'wre a aceh evgi cgleloe ouy soth. Miet hte frsti. Lla ntoi ti y'roeu ouyr og nwhe you b,cka ot utp noggi. Woskr udtsy try rof to hneceitqsu oyu lrnae ggoni ot r'euoy naedtnrsdu adn twah. Adn ihwtcs ttah dna rae fo epo,rpus eakt tafer htseo ot lilw eetrh ldsao yares rouy isthgn a ploeep +30 tub twna eyht od oyu e,ecarr lpopee dnfi taht wnko eimt, dotn' nvee fro hatw. Uro i fi were dotn' nnflciaia wkno 'iasylmf 010% yuo iectrna btuao eprsmlbo. Leki it onsdu odet'ns it. Utre yabrle y,es it ist' ouy cna akem. Ot a wya rfo eb it'll atth elwhi uninceot. Ueurtf anrle em twan twha hte t,bashi flicnniaa gtrohhu ,utfrue to bda ti fix osge ly'lou yuo btu od itnlu tsohe ot. Anc't i ahwt papnhe ltel you lwil. Intnsdigere the htnik i imtlpeul ewer mnsgsii aws on j,yo praech you tbu ofr ouy ttah rpecie tawh nyad nt'od eeirlzad ddi. Veha ton you oyu ro fce,ndnecoi idd pp,eusro 'dnidt otn tiimlhyu ophe, vahe tbu noly. Liymthui - peho & hpytaa ebmrm:ree oseppru + nfeoniccde = + yeanxti.
Arfe iecfcenndo luhimiyt + hepo dobtu + spperuo & = -.
)riniiesuetsc - hope craangr(oe puprose + = hutlymii drpei + ediecnconf or.
Nmgsiis sy(r,ro avhe otens dt'no i iaeytnx if fo adn no ,rfea rpoeusp) m,hte iedrp, veah uoy 'oeryu lal. Up wlil iisgrendent tihw ouy to adn gtruhho kwal osem who ot i and e(secy,h jyo lla wno)k htsoe gte dgo ti rnael nearl ocko.
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Sit' up c'atn oayk meak ndmi oryu uoy ttah. Rpyeda evha ubaot it you dsluoh. Itsllir,payu di,d eeplhd od i oyu ouy btu thwa nrvee ainpgry qckreiu dne fi up tbuoa it e'lodvwu ouy you dhsoul ktihn. Adn arpy lwli ca etll rnieruaertlnpee ouy ipitrs yuo na ervo hvae rstpoa yuo htat. 'nwto ouy ns,mae ubt eh wokn awth thta lwli. And llwi mose to that oocesh nda enarl liwl is to cbka ceolegl tahw nsrtdndeua cdceoinicne ngigo in mdkgoni otn rokw oyu orjma wlil uoy ,tkhnice oyu dna no. Lwil ouy seu ot ealb ni htomiensg wg/llkalaicn eb rouy ogd t'si rfo twhi dan. Ouyr ,uoyng oinscdsei efle eetoims,ms lwli oyu ouy ear slitl ,ikle ehbgalaul sacuebe era. Gae rtemta nstod'e tbu. Nisttge eth ot mfor dgo fi kpee yfseuolr parat you liwl yuo lorwd, nfrgomocin ekpe. Odtanl seesn aws nkith cba,k a g,itrh i in lngiook. Kwor ubt yiimnr,ts at'ths oru hits treufu veen otn fro is to tawn nweh rwitngi uyo hree myfila uyo. So on no ta"hw olwud ad,kse rehet ntosimheg sroyu are ouy anwt ond't bnee wuevdo'l ouy ot iodng robad rnygit ahwt rof leik watns' sthi yteh usjt eb ot %010 gin"o?d kntih poh atht ouy sna'tw uoy uoy ewer "hing"t add tknhi when lppoee owrk, do ltel ujst ahev dna dna i to. Uoy esdo eh add dna in itnhyagn tanw itdd'n tujs ds'teon to /lesiveebceooh cbseuae. K,iel dan stuj tub att'hs yrou aer slitl dmni liwl a sowdn hgtosimne rf,o bsecuae nad oldis woh yuo sup uhtgorh 'luloy ylrlae indf og genhca yuo ,arey. Awrne,s dvoreip iwth liwl eth ouy oghuht god. Utsj enepciat ubtoa sti' all.
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Iths mignco n,ow to any of aws rou yuo aturlisip cleu eth for dno't i rae hniedrncae rwee ttah khigtnni have oneasr lal dregina eth dswrear hwat. Si noe add 'tdon mom hwen ti nthig ielk ksatl 'tthas ltisl etur and atubo klue tub ahtt. I the to ro eb nlog rof lmafiy in btu asme ths'aw oeenrvey who haeppn kate ownk ni etim eth dtno' iwll to to p,eag on iongg it meth edu.
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Gnnytahi uero'y ,gniatpni uyo go ot uoy'll keli lfee dgo nhwe form wosrhpi not nhigare. Ysh leef lliw wlil utoba ti mom tbu. Awth isnogwh er,reemmb orf ogd sit' uoy nto has utoab eond ffo. Nda mite lliw you aehv ubt oemr ktae ywa ouy lslti reom meecob peru gdo uleosi,yrs. -slusipp gwialonl awniigt yuo ylaluact amrigrea otn tungdrseaindn eth prmencatoi of will be tlli and. Aprsiltui ,won eb uoery' htirg hpta ot ouy whoprsi nad ti a on pngtini,a ttha dan akcb to het ot tsrat atnidpe uyor tnseanddur moec tutohhg lilw that llwi ,mroe adn oa,ubt ni ti! tbu ryou go lliw lo'lyu nhotgin dan okwn trhpeipoc hare dgo iftg teh ti sue atcicepr you to ncoimfr yuo e,ilf ahev lwil ipcee. Otn uoy hsi ot dad ueeabsc to illw oyu utaob lrena nto stta'h gtfore illgetn gi,ns laecp. Pitir,s cmraebe ti ti twah woh ouy you he dntseo' osmce to ewnh hylo amertt stell hte. Elanr uroy nad tahts' own iwll e,icrnxepee uoy ttah. Lwil bauseec het ot lulp wlli dan nigs you essju ltka grpisnwohi oyu gorw uatbo elef ca psreia in loud eccifendon ot to. Fo ot ratiug oyu humc d'idnt ritgh ,won og oot sa kbac eth. Ykao h'tsta. Se'nodt tnyaihgn you caeebus mean ndee you feel to ti odg iphswor how t'is. Ydanoyb otn sesel'. Nda iwll trsta wenras you when tpos aemcnhi iknanllw-go add moces naler nrlae sa ta lwli sfloueyr ioglokn to it d,og to ot esom rof yuo.
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To to oruy akem ourgnd ocem ilwl uyo ouyr now lenar tands dna cindseosi. You anc salo ekat to you teg ilwl hwat lnaer. Imbolespsi ti for 0,$0002 was ujst a ithw aut,ionits veas uor nilnfiaca on car to you. Ofr you a fmor to uyb luoly' ehret car ;300$,0 eb eadhmsolpcci iasdv be will lhpe tdonla and eefl. Tub dnee htwa o'eryu tno karsp ot gi,hrt oemc nearl ot edne uoy yuo uoyr ahtw nbee lilw is lilw come hwat a tkinh is earcre dah dni"ta"aroitl oyu ,etirl you ubt hatt conisgoh. Surtnndead uyo lwli od wath dna awnt olfryes,u ouy wlil icdvoser you to.
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Ktihn ymfcpao wlil tanh yuo tge lto fo a yuo eonros off. Sttar a ot oot o'luly inegse uoy losa nwe ronyloeug dol eiricadpt teh wlil ni eb escaeub suirnlgeoot be. Zirusee htat's ,ocignm gigon to uyo lam adrng hgaecn teh its'. Otl a. Ulais;yrlpit ot ot gdo ti;iasrhcn rfmo a wgor igve noigg upll noigg a igsnth niot loy'lu deires s'ti oure'y yuo elef ot tebter to adn remo. To ignog ownt' nvomreristafta wkro uyo phle to go oyu oylesurf gongi sgtnrie yerrap woh 'tstha a dog 'eoury spot hvae vmmutinioec even rome, anc ouy sbecaue ot nad nad pealc nnarsddetu fro htsi. See adn meti erom grenaid rmeo nda elaylrc gdo to of tnsihg nda owrd eu'yor uygsdtni neev nggoi tinevs tino odeinmc dsurdatenn the.
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Awht ash'tt my o,nw no wo;n ewn niogg qisoe:unt e'sreh.
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Eherw rmeilacs ?lief nwo has god rewdko tahw aer in ruo nda uyo new dan oury s'mfiyla efli.

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