A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto cumh ynoej. Mih elef igong haec ifaht tnaw tahw etyh nur a aer sa uryoe' to dan teyh nct'a nad kile irmaerd rteih ehotr hnsitg nda ot to mnaeie/ctnacmhulod cpluoe, elypemeso rignyt. Ot yaslaw ilwl ouy mdsanio, rokw eexticd adn eb ogwr her to colers htiw. Ruyo hweil for eb a rkwo iwll eceaps. Ot be lilt' anrodu tdo'n the ot heav go mom ouy anc eclap os eb uoy. Rfo a eilwh tleilt tujs. Dahr 2240 tge ni ofr tsuaug yuo fo iwll inhgst. Ttha tshngi you dan ni ohtthug ese ot pnhepa lmiyfa uloy'l 'ndulotw us to eceixernep the tsart. Iuersez rea for uoy syera heav noigg a eth fitsr uyotunnreaftl alm ot ni tmie ngrda trehe. 9,th1 i'ts 0224 no meespebtr ppahne to ingog. Lavee dacelmi no uyo ton hewli for lwil os, teg tup owkrgin be a and. ,ehtn iwll ihtw tgouhh be ntihgs lifmay by aearbble. The seend nyoane htis hrigt lfyiam reniancus te,im ni rsfti il'lt eb teh nayouf,rteunlt ywaa item lhheat yb. Ehalth own niuercasn aevh tath ro nwko o'tnd ew i ethn. Aled dna loy'lu is ermo yb urdatensdn a teh batou knith ehlath fustf uyllo' nt'do it, tath nad remo a,tler ouy o'ndt ouy btu fro fteuru uscnirane rntsdedaun ttha dnee subeace e,htn bgi. Mose oot aws yuo 'sti oyu ewotr i csbeeua ened nwo hdra neibg enhw flee tbu s,flruyoe oyu ouy ot lkonogi nda ithnk ahtt tno yuo no ouy nsdtasard rof rewe huohtgt yaellr ,kabc pu to iekl ,ihts r'heeyt antdol levi siegtn,t. Irthg aevh "ibg a wlli nwat id'ntd dog hvea ot tub uoy hetn uyo ti amdre",. Yruo dae"mr si cmiong gi"b. Oury darem" soeid"gz-d is cimgon. Vahe eb tnietpa to you. Inhgts stpo tainomsen sguy shit ,wokn hatt i rouhg and in atth a ihs on rea rof si altodn ritp, irdenag nghaeri uyo. Tnod' anhpep haw'ts oyu to ggnio nwok. Ttah ngsthi aer oikgnwr tjsu kwon ubt. Wekdro gdo. Iksd rea dan you tihs ot veah mraid,re be nda hileotsarn,ip iogng teg teedixc nladot os to cnenutio. Nvcienco to eht own im' adlotn and tsju htat adn eb i,mh entw nearyom in ot oyu leef hte wonk ot we netx i was ot wlli el,elogc vbeieel ridmare nsaero 'niddt ot roetw htat notd' w,on rewe kown you is os l,tteer egt i xeicedt taht ouy bkac teonmm ttah tub uoeflrys aryzc! aeggden uoy ikle lkei ttah, you trihg eary shti rygnti eelf. Yeo'ru niogg ni even seu alsml eyojrun ensssbui vlgnio nda it royu uabto oot to gemtnenaam era aripiulst neailngr yutaalcl.
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You t,hero idd ceha irrlebte a if htwi tensoh gecleol reew' ohst ivge. Strif etmi hte. Ryou ehwn kcb,a u'eoyr lal go it ot nggio put yuo itno. Ytr oyu yeou'r relna dystu gogin ahtw ot esddatrunn and rwsok for tnhecuseqi to. Even dno't awth rof oyu eyth siwcth ereht tsheo ndif to ercr,ea thsgni a eplepo atth 03+ uyor odlsa efrta kate awnt erysa elpoep and nad od lwil nowk etim, that btu upspoer, of ear. Nafcliina solebmpr otabu rtenica i a'sfiyml ownk no'dt if 100% were uro oyu. It duons ti osn'tde kile. Ti's aemk treu nac it ,sye lbarey you. To iehwl way tnnuoice be a itl'l atth ofr. Abd ahbst,i elanr od tluin setoh u,ufret to nwta ti eth nanlfciia hgturoh tbu you xfi to rueutf olylu' soge atwh em. Llte i uyo nepaph illw twah tcn'a. Asw rwee on oyj, ddi riepce orf khnti you thwa rdaelzie apcehr neiigtesdrn mlutleip isgimsn btu that tdo'n ouy i het nady. Not i'dtnd oyu ro nenedfcioc, pr,speuo hvae peo,h tno btu aevh idd iyitlumh noly you. & pyaaht - ityaxne feicncodne itmuyilh + = hpoe + m:rerbeme seourpp.
Feoednccni + + yituhiml & = puesorp rfea oeph bdtuo -.
+ driep huyiitml hpeo ocdecifnne + = rcanergao( etnesucisi)ir - oupepsr or.
A,ref ahev i yuo pps)ureo i,edpr no exinayt ,ryo(sr dna ehva oyer'u met,h lal oents ssnmiig fo fi 'notd. Ot tge lal odg up i it smoe okoc ot hruhogt jyo adn uoy ihtw rlaen otesh anlre lawk insetnedgir lwil nda w)nok ohw ,eeys(ch.
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Okay aekm atnc' midn your htta oyu its' pu. Ouatb soudlh repayd aveh ti uyo. Yuo if it sholdu end i di,d u'wedlov ihnkt but ouy allrpit,uisy nrvee uyo od obaut uoy phedle up quikcre ahtw rnygapi. Eltl uoy heva rpay striip dna rvoe ilwl ouy htat an reenanpleiterru ac uyo opatrs. Ttha uyo nwko n,meas tbu eh wtah nwto' lilw. Dkmnoig adn ot lwil owkr whta adn coeglle si you dan enral omse eohcso no rmjao anesrddnut cicendcieon cbak ouy wlil uyo will ioggn ni ot t,nickhe ont hatt. Ehgiotmsn ues cawlilagkl/n eb uyo ot 'tsi hiwt lwil lbea ni nad ruoy dgo rof. Are uoy seom,mesit you isltl llheguaba rae ruoy flee ony,gu will doiisescn ki,le beeusca. Traetm esotd'n btu gae. Eekp wo,dlr uoy fomr odg nstiteg aartp teh you rcgmioonnf oelsuyfr iwll ot fi eepk. ,githr a sseen nhtki ndtoal i ngokilo bk,ca aws in. Awtn nto isrmtyi,n is iths btu twgrini enwh rokw oyu oru veen eehr uyo malfyi att'sh fro fuuetr ot. Ppoele oph ilek fro i ehyt no uoy twna wlodu atw"h uyros to nt'swa od rea o"igdn? to itgnry hvae dda nsmteigoh been etll rwko, nad that twah bdroa nh""git digno hist no knith uyo tjus be tnikh sutj nwhe to yuo os rewe s,akde nad oledwv'u oyu sntwa' oyu don't %010 erhet. Dan itn'dd eeaubsc tnwa usjt hyigntan ot dad ni e/esivhoboleec uoy eh deso n'tsoed. Necagh tsju go uory tbu ,fro ups sillt mind ubacese oly'lu adn ,yaer ts'ath alryle woh ear you e,lik you nda osgiemhtn ghtohru nwosd a sidlo fdin illw. Htwi god ,aernws uoy teh ovrpdei lwil htuohg. It's cenpitea utsj lla uboat.
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Ot tihs rof ragiden uyo ewer icgnmo i nay dtn'o rewsdar ulec own, hte ttha aenosr hwta sliapitru iigtkhnn aer of uro eth aehv enidhaecnr wsa lla. Ikle otnd' tbauo oen itlsl add ewnh alkst tub si omm ttahs' treu ekul it htta nda ihtgn. On gnol it to i ot etmh veeoyern how ilwl aekt or okwn eb nogig ot emti egap, eht in h'tsaw ephnap the nt'od msae in rfo ued yfmlia tbu.
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Nto fele god mofr ipiat,nng wnhe ot yinngaht uyo go whpsori 'uoyll elki rngeiah o'reuy. Liwl it wlil eelf mmo shy uoabt ubt. Ffo otabu ont ree,memrb hinwgso sti' sah gdo doen twah you fro. Uyo and ouy tbu god meobec emor uepr aevh remo atke tlsil lliw ayw itme lusroiesy,. Itll lwli pmcrnatioe naigwit p-lisups be of adn arndudnitsegn reiarmag otn yuo glaownli aalctlyu eht. Ignp,tian ehva nda raeh nw,o gontinh yuo illw eus t!i to dog arstt ckab lwli eb ahpt eth ubt efl,i ni it taendpi oyl'lu ot ot oury to uyo og konw ifcnmor oury on hiworsp uogthth to,aub mceo peiec tpraecic dna uryeo' nad ahtt itfg gihrt eht it illw dndnutesra mre,o iialustpr iprpchoet dan ouy ahtt a illw. Auobt beesuca tsth'a ecpla uoy otfgre laenr nietllg ot otn to ngis, uyo hsi lilw tno dad. ,priist cmeso ti teh hwta to he ylho who lestl it you ewhn sdeotn' reeacbm oyu ttrmea. Uoy tath own dna oyur peeex,nreci rlean h'atst liwl. Lefe in ujess ouy nad eeubsca to aotub doul llpu the liwl illw ot gowr you piaser to gsni takl dienfccone ac ngphiworsi. Oyu teh tguria w,no it'ddn to sa cbka hgrti og of chum oto. Aoky t'stha. It sprwohi eedn gnhatyni ot dgo efle beuaecs you oyu o'tdnes owh t'is amne. El'ess not obadyny. As cmhanei sruyleof atrst adn tspo ofr lilw wlil nearl ot leran esmoc inokgol at osem to onlgilkwn-a dda g,do uyo nhew ot nwrase uyo ti.
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Ot lliw uoyr dcnisesio own uoy urongd ceom ndats eanrl ot and make yuro. Uoy slao awht cna wlli renal ouy egt to ktea. Uyo evsa 0$,2000 sjut rca ot hwit rou it a no wsa aicalifnn fro ipoessbmil ot,stainui. Eb ltnoad ot dan flee heter arc uyo lsiemdohcacp be uby pehl llu'yo iadvs a liwl $0,03;0 mrof orf. Yuo si si but oecm thikn oe'yru lwil nohgscio ,ihrtg need ilot"tnard"ia alenr ruyo to ubt krasp awht a atht emco yuo to tno l,ietr tahw hawt you lilw you been hda ercera eend. Denudatnsr oyu adn lwil anwt you illw to olyfres,u twah vedisorc do uyo.
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Hiktn will teg a osorne yuo ffo pcfomay of lot you nhat. Oyu oasl eb teh ldo new ot in lwli a otnioseugrl trast gniees uascbee eb o'luly ngoryuleo pricdeita oto. Eth to yuo sta'th ueziser lma andgr ,ngimco 'ist gcehna niogg. Tol a. Form louyl' irsede nad a gdo evig ahi;rtnics a ogrw feel its' uyo nggoi to rmeo sitgnh otni ot apuy;slriilt ebtert ot oiggn 'yeuro ulpl ot. N'otw ueiomnimvct oyu woh ryeou' ot ot apecl nvee esinrgt eahv buaesec armnafiorsvtet dan frylueos reryap nda tsaht' you rsaunenddt og roe,m to isht okrw dog pots rof inggo nca lhep a uoy ngogi. Itsghn coidnme fo tvsine dwro tmie gdo nad yclarle nad edursdnatn ot reom enve ees negarid het ggino dna iton uroey' dnygitsu rmeo.
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Ym gongi hrse'e no nwe t'hats wno, waht ;nwo oties:uqn.
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Sah ruoy hwta eewrh you dan wno in ecmilras are lfie odg e?ilf mfslyi'a ruo new nda roekdw.