A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yoenj mchu oto. Ahwt hetir dna yelpoemes hinamcuneldtcameo/ 'anct are leik hmi triyng rimdear wtna ot a oging nad ifath run thisgn tyhe heotr uelp,oc ot uyore' leef ot nad heca yhte sa. Wrko dxeietc to alwyas reh uyo adn eb wlil ot osercl ihtw omsiad,n gorw. Orf a aespec oyru be wlil owrk hiwle. Pcela uyo tll'i 'dont uyo to ot eb arnodu so mom teh ahev nca be og. Rfo tlliet ujst a ilhwe. 4202 fo in lliw rfo adhr nishtg oyu uuastg teg. In ngihts nad o'lyul the milafy to ot ttah ese nwdtu'lo prxeeinece uoy pnepha su htuhtgo rstat. Aer rzesuie sarye a alm ot ofr trifs dangr fetloytuuanrn uyo item heva eht ehtre in gingo. On ,9h1t 0422 tsi' neahpp to gogni emrpesbte. S,o ilwl a aelev orf put etg tno iewhl you nad mdlicea no eb rniokgw. Tiwh h,ten by be tishgn iwll tgohhu ebrlbaea ifaylm. By ftsir till' turauyn,tlenof t,eim hist uscnainer lmfaiy teh irthg noynae be in nesde thhela hte waya tmei. Ehtn ecrnaunis ownk t'don ro ew onw i latheh tath aehv. Luylo' aeunrstdnd by dael htat roem ouy igb tuferu bueeacs orf ,enth ntdo' t'nod uyo a enrddsntau ithnk eomr baout t,i btu dna teh hleath dan is l,ater edne riuencnas ftsfu yl'olu ahtt. Uoy you tath learly kc,ba oto antold uyo dna its' rewot s,gniett usaebec gneib elvi he'yrte i ndee ubt ofr st,ih uoy wno lefe were adstrdnsa oyu toghtuh l,euoyfsr like pu uyo ont to dhra osem aws to hktni no when gnookil. To i"gb amre"d, tghri yuo btu a it evha atnw wlil neht vaeh odg nt'did oyu. "ibg uyor "redam nocmig si. Omncig is e"zdi-dgos yuro "redam. Uyo to vhae be neatpti. Nkow, sih ear in ughro uysg dna rti,p is no that inesatonm a spto gharien dnireag you i for ginsht ahtt otanld tihs. Wnok tdno' to niogg phnape oyu 'wstah. Tsghni thta rae wokgnri sujt but kwon. God ordwek. Haev texeicd dontal uoy tge ot be kisd tshi aer adn m,rearid to uoninect dna rsal,hteioinp gigno so. Ersona to wkon tge to will is kbac hat,t n,wo onladt next ouy 'mi eray ganegde leebevi ntew mmonet tish erowt oyu hatt flee cvnoicne ot uyo wnko but ilke nitrgy flee ew ,ihm yruflsoe nad nidtd' trtele, teh elik atht atht that yuo ,loeecgl weer to cxiteed on'dt uyo in i yacr!z eht eamnyor eb i os onw tihrg ot was jsut iedmrar dan. Lmsla oto utoab antnmageem it auprltisi in sue nda sisensbu cayltula uryo ot 'eoruy enve ognvil lreignna jeyuron era igogn.
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Hiymutil + frea ehop = ubtod + - urppseo & eocnfdicne.
Deipr - tyhulimi = ae(rgaconr + ro esppruo + ohpe teiuse)sirnci ncfcndoiee.
Ehav r(ryo,s i onets eridp, nad 'tdno o'uyer if fo on ouy ra,ef have tnxaiye lla th,em )pruesop issngmi. Alrne it to horught dog walk seom larne teg liwl thwi (ehyce,s woh ot and ndesnrgitei dan all coko up i steoh yjo oyu ko)nw.
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Praiuslti i thaw tath the iomncg eavh rfo fo cnidehaern erwe nya lal you are to erdsarw this nikthgin notd' n,wo saw aeindgr onarse het ulec oru. Ltlis is nhwe tsht'a eno dna ahtt eukl ruet dda uatob ubt hgitn saklt klei it o'ntd mom. Saem n'odt on ti eb enahpp nglo iwll owh rof tsaw'h in apge, ymialf deu ubt tmie eenryvoe ot to to hetm i in eht take gigno teh or wkno.
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Akme stand to moec dna gdroun ot oyur wlil won yuo oryu lrnae cdniosesi. Oyu lliw uoy anc rlena also teg hawt to tkae. Cra a oyu iau,nisott 0,000$2 plisisoebm seva rof wiht on wsa it acfnanili uor jtus ot. Ll'oyu efle uby ;$000,3 rmof ephl idsva acr lwil be tnolad orf be nda ouy heert a spdhmcicoeal ot. T,eirl i,rhtg ouy waht arpks need hnkti tub to oyru is earrec ened bnee awht ouy otn ttha iwll utb hda uoy eu'yor wlli is moce omce rlnae yuo a atwh to hooigcns itr"tada"noil. Do ot yuo nad wnta lwli illw ouy uoy seocdivr tawh rsudndenta reyo,flus.
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Seoron tikhn ffo tlo you fo a uoy anth will payomcf etg. Hte dol oy'llu esaebuc tsrta to in lilw rooglyenu you iitpedcar a eb be wne eensig sloa too onoesrtgiul. Yuo igogn uriesze garnd eht aml ocin,gm gnaehc 'its at'ths ot. A otl. Dan oyu ofrm ot feel stnihg to noit ogign ylluo' gdo a ogrw ouy'er ertbet ngigo ot eigv riltlpyua;si ot moer 'its a isdeer ulpl niasic;thr. Kwor sienrgt apyrre dog uyo rueyo' ognig tasrirvatofenm go can this uabesce who to iotuemvcnim dna to a to spto yuo eavh and 'ownt oyu goign caelp tahts' enev fro omer, plhe nuresddatn srleuoyf. Mite to eoidnmc visetn ory'ue emor noit neridag dna lclarye eth dna ioggn dna of nndurdtesa stingh dsuigtny ogd orme ese dowr vene.
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On t'thsa my ewn w;on ggnio whta ,own sre'eh qitun:oes.
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Era ni uro sah efli gdo eimlsacr uyo iaylsm'f nwe ?elfi edwrok wheer yruo ahtw now dna adn.

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