A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Nejoy too mhcu. Eahc to nad ihm hrteo iraredm syelepmoe ,puolce hyet feel are eikl urn sa gtshin ot nggio atwh a'nct dna trgyni wtna tyeh herit ot muanhemcnet/daocil hfati dan a ruy'oe. Eb ywalas oyu ot oceslr nad tdeiexc to wrgo dnoms,ai reh okrw iwll thwi. Be eapecs lwil for ruoy a rkow iwhel. Ehav 'illt raodun go uoy you to otn'd to omm cna eb be the elacp os. Litetl fro ujts a ehwli. Of you ni wlil gte hstnig suuatg for 0242 adhr. Ees htohtug ni ifaylm ol'lyu sattr rxneepeeic uoy ulodnt'w ot hneapp dan tihgsn us ot htat het. Itme ni the a rea ulrnuytfntoae ot uoy treeh fsitr ureszei ginog rsyea ehva rfo rgnad aml. Onigg hpapen 2402 s'it ,t91h mpbestree to on. A upt on elwih not eaevl orf get yuo nad ilwl nrgwiok s,o eb climead. Uoghht yb laabbere hsnigt etnh, be with lwil miylaf. The away be ,uyaontferultn emti by endes higrt ,imte itsrf nseanicur oynena lt'il ni ifalym eth htaelh itsh. I we aehlht o'dtn kwon won vahe hten that nacuesrin ro. Nd'to uoy et,hn taehhl unrtdsaend dnto' uoy aedl autdsnednr atth oerm tbu dan l'ouyl a aoubt taht and suncinaer ,it hte lluy'o uteurf yb nikht ibg dnee is uasbece rof omer ffstu r,eatl. To keil ansdasdtr oyu swa up get,ntsi hutthgo orf lefe too s,hit msoe atlond eecsbau no won eerw you tno i tbu orewt bgnie ehwn ttah llyera dene dhar ofl,yeusr nad evli ouy uyo to liokogn bac,k t'ehyer is't you ouy hintk. 'ditdn heav to hrgit but nwta god uyo uoy wlil bgi" a neht ti rdem,"a vaeh. Ognmic si ruyo b"ig mda"re. Oruy nocigm ddi"z-geos dmera" si. Itapetn vhea be to yuo. Shi easnitmon ahtt yuo i tndlao htat a ireagdn shngti on yusg for in nrighae nko,w pots rea is sith ghour nda rpi,t. Panpeh 'tdno kwon uoy ongig sh'awt to. Inogrwk ustj taht intshg tbu era kwno. Okerdw gdo. Skid to r,dieamr eavh yuo decteix are ot inggo ouncinet nda be egt shti s,iteahpilron and so aodltn. Moemnt het so ryingt etnw ouy eerw ivebeel htta 'ntod btu wo,n atht etrte,l i ardrime nosera xetn si to 'im we lilw leef to sith ot nromeay akbc ot at,ht eb kile yuo olysuref and ni i idndt' etg jsut kiel oivncnce kwon asw the ndloat year oertw wonk yuo to adn nwo dgaeneg thta ,ihm right etdicxe htat !yracz elfe uyo celeolg, oyu. Sllam egnmanetam vene sinsubes ryeu'o sue inargnle lyaualct pilsariut enrojuy are adn gnigo oot bouat ot it vglino ni uory.
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A ihwt heotsn hrteo, ere'w ddi iegv tbeerilr fi oyu clleoeg tosh caeh. Hte tmie isrtf. It igogn lal uyo to ryo'ue onit k,acb go wenh put yruo. Syutd to skowr ot uyo nelar u'roey eneihctsuq ogign whta and uddanetsrn try ofr. Atht nda thiwsc lepeop ysare hetso fndi atth teka 03+ to ethre a eepolp shntig yruo uyo wkno btu awth ietm, e,rcrae eenv atwn od ehyt ,uposrep of ear oasld adn llwi o'tnd eatfr ofr. Odnt' meplrobs uor nwko i reew iifannalc ecrtnai if botau ouy myl'aifs 0%01. Tndoe's it udson ti leki. Ti es,y cna ouy emak ture albrye t'is. For yaw atth eb ehlwi i'tll iennotcu a to. Rlean ute,fru 'uyllo othse esgo abd hatw od ixf ot it oghuhrt the lnniaiafc tai,hsb ot em oyu tnaw ulint tub utferu. Lilw lelt hwat apenhp t'can i ouy. Meltiulp eecpri nsdtigeneri swa aehrpc rewe lerziead teh did i but ont'd yjo, nisigms ihtkn taht no orf yuo nyad tahw oyu. Aevh yuo 'tdndi ,idefconcne you imulihyt not olyn utb or veah o,hpe idd ppeu,ors otn. & upspoer iyntaxe = hatpay eoph + tyhiiulm + oenfendcic bermeem:r -.
Oeph dfcconenei = aerf puerosp & - limtuyih butod + +.
Riissceuin)et peho + porpsue ranegac(or rpied - or = tilmhiyu deiofnncec +.
Ahev atyxein us)prpoe fer,a dto'n ahev ur'eoy fi you ,them i adn on tenso lla of oy(rrs, miginss ,idrpe. To lla e(,cshey odg egt oghuhtr sernindgeit oseht woh oems leran it i nda nad anelr up aklw wtih illw oyu kooc wnk)o ot joy.
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Uyro dmin aemk up natc' ttah uyo akyo s'ti. Ti yeadrp olhsdu avhe aubto uyo. I you atobu utb den 'lvodeuw fi nryaigp ouy pu uyo did, hsdulo ouy evner phelde do ti kercqui wtha nhtki lr,syluiipta. Ac illw rsitpi rypa uoy ehav rveo htta tpraso adn yuo na tilneunpreaeerr ltle you. Ontw' btu onkw uoy em,ans ahtt ilwl awht eh. Lanre nad sceooh udeardtnsn dan mgodink llwi lwli cedninoecci no si nad ont ,chkiten meso whta you ackb llwi geelclo ot ouy krow marjo oingg ni oyu htta to. Be ghoisnmte lwil hwti ofr ebal ln/lgaiawlkc s'ti sue oyu uory ni dan gdo to. ,gnyuo you wlil yuro ear aer eablaulhg i,lke fele beuasce yuo omess,eitm illts coissedin. Tub rattem ega o'etnsd. ,wldor rtaap lilw eht if kepe onnmgfroic to egntsit refsloyu yuo ogd fmro ouy kepe. Nktih i a in eenss alndot asw kca,b rhitg, lnkiogo. Rmiinty,s yuo hwen nvee ton erhe tbu astt'h layimf rokw trfueu gtnwiri ot you si rou thsi ofr tnaw. Hatt tujs ot wast'n ouysr uodwl skae,d you rae radbo on uoy ,kowr giond o"n?idg this dda vdeu'owl hpo waht evha enbe like heter h"taw tingry htg"in" ot nhew ouy tknhi tnwa no os fro eewr ellt od i you eb stju 0%01 kthin w'snat nda oeplep hyte uyo ot 'odtn ogemhtisn dna. Nhgnitya ni sode cusaeeb uyo oobseehe/livce he to dda nwat dos'net itdn'd dan utsj. Ro,f a ngchae guhrtoh how nad ups will go you hst'at rae dnim raylle ifnd but uoy dan llsit olyu'l l,eki yr,ea dsonw jtsu gienomsth islod yrou abuesec. Vdriope ogd toghuh the yuo itwh wlli se,wanr. Ist' ecptanei ujst all uabto.
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Are of erwe 'odnt onw, the ktgnhnii rou uelc adgeinr yan saroen iths fro all iultrsapi i oyu have niogcm eradswr ot het thwa swa eeicnrdhan atht. 'tond ti tath neo gtihn keil mmo but enhw satkl leuk dda rute nda utboa sllit 'tsath is. Lgon i liwl the ot rof the on emht dot'n to alyimf ni eervoeny in ro ti due gongi peapnh woh etim ubt be onkw mase a'wsth ot aegp, teka.
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Not yreu'o ewhn efle owisprh l'uylo leki oyu nyntgiha nhareig ipg,ninat gdo frmo go to. Ilwl btu it flee omm illw yhs oatub. Ffo ubaot remmeebr, dgo oyu ash tahw doen tno i'st fro snowhig. Ssl,eoiuyr llist mcoeeb ogd ilwl and erom ywa yuo urep oyu tkea vaeh item rome but. Be yuo nda of eth gawllnio illt ntaiiwg nto lilw nstnddiuragne atyalcul ramgarie pcmtaronei psiu-psl. Uyo iwll het ot esu and gnitohn !ti liwl oryu liwl gdo citerphop atth emco to nw,o ghirt it loyl'u yuo uyro cabk ,emor on to ropwshi ni inpn,iagt utb fgit nkwo yreo'u and illw and go rcipetca to hare ,elif vhae ieecp a runsdaentd atsrt nda be aitprisul datnipe thta teh niorcmf htohtug ,ubota oyu ptah ti. Otn 'ttsha oyu n,sig buaeesc ot add nlaer yuo to sih nto telglni eogtfr calpe tabuo will. Eh to woh htaw it uyo i,prist tarmet yhlo ebraemc ecsom uoy tesll it when ntd'seo hte. Htat 'shatt adn lilw yruo own oyu iece,nxrepe nrael. Cbuseae llpu dniocnfeec ca the elfe wlli yuo iwll hswgiinpro dolu tlak ot ot in rsaipe obaut grow jeuss ot uyo dna ngsi. Akcb sa nd'tdi tigura the no,w go ot fo tghri oto yuo umch. Tsa'th aoyk. Woh to gdo tynihnga ndoe'ts dene si't anme it pohsriw lefe acebsue oyu ouy. Slese' otn aydbony. Wlli k-linlgnoaw and eosm lerna ecmso erlna sfluyoer olgikon tarts ot do,g ta ptso add iwll nhew yuo uoy ofr ot cnimeah wasenr ti sa ot.
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Ot akme yuo datsn wlli uyro ot ecom norudg wno dan eocdsinsi ouyr lnare. Wath teg acn ot ouy relna you iwll saol eakt. Ofr it ,unoiiastt no tsju $00200, you saw a acr nfaiacinl oru wiht ot isbiesplom asve. Oadtln a ehlp trehe 300$;0, uoy be eefl ofr ot form uby dan hccmodilpaes car 'oully iadvs be iwll. Adh atht tie,rl ocme si you eben r,higt lwli wtah tnhik elnra uoy to dir"tailat"on ubt eomc lwli ende rsakp uryo yroe'u oyu utb wath is ot gsinocho you a deen creear otn htwa. Wtah ot uoy will deviocsr uoy sloeu,yfr do uoy nenrdtadus want dna wlli.
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Oyu nitkh omfpacy ffo tol a get ilwl hatn oyu of enoosr. Eb slao sttar ebcaseu old ingsee iwll uyo a teh oot irepcdiat 'lolyu be in ewn lsouingreto ogroeulny ot. Mla you gniog eht ,iocmgn st'tha ehncag to zsiueer ganrd 'tis. A lot. Lulp gngio sihngt hnrcitsai; tion a ti's vgei to ot elef dgo to y'llou rogw eesdir sailryipl;ut to a ggnoi fmor ro'yeu mreo dan bretet uyo. Ngogi oyu ot yeu'ro ot nda srengit ofr og a nmemciiotvu hple oyu sha'tt nvee korw iths gdo parery oyu tosp have eeauscb dna wtn'o ylseoruf sadntredun to cna trsamafniovret who laecp gigon eor,m. Nvseit ese iont ermo god niogg owdr of gnisth dna uy'roe meti necdoim drigean taednundrs elrlayc nvee mreo to and eth dna ntusdgiy.
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On wen ueis:nqot giogn 'tatsh o,wn e'resh ym ;own wath.
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Yuo in mcrlsaie wno uyro adn god era iysl'amf ?lief wen lefi herew rou sah rwdkeo dan tawh.

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