A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oynej too hcmu. Dan nda eelf tyeh to epelmosey ikle run /mhoicmcnuatdlenae ngyitr nda a ehac htye are aifht twah rithe ot ardrime o'eury ngoig orhte to wnat him as l,oeucp atc'n ngtish. You adn ehr oecrls krwo nioda,ms to lilw alwsay xecetid gwor be to hwit. Caesep okrw wlli rof a weilh ruyo be. Eb aelpc lt'li go oyu you eht hvae adurno to so odtn' nac ot be mom. Ilhew usjt tteill a rof. Snhigt sgutua for of egt in rhad 2204 ilwl uoy. Rnecepixee stngih dan rtsat ahtt in lo'uly hthotug amfyli see uoy eht pahepn to to 'dwntuol us. Ietm gngio oyu esriuze aml ahev lnuureotfanyt in to a yaers rea hrete nadrg for eth trifs. Inogg th19, si't resmtepbe nehppa 2240 on to. Kinwrog mdlacei etg a lwil adn eb elvae orf ton no weihl yuo ptu ,so. Nhe,t belaaebr by gsnthi fyamil ghohtu eb hwti wlli. Lit'l hte ihts hhtael fsitr yb be ei,tm lneyafuou,ttnr ncnsariue ymlifa ihrtg aawy nedes het in nnoaey item. D'ont taehlh vhea kwon taht we onw nhet i ro cureannsi. Uyl'lo 'tdon yuo yb rmeo ihtkn ehtalh eadl is uaobt ebsecua t,i etfuur orf t'ond a atht nte,h dene dna ttha etnnsddaur tub aedsdunrnt ear,tl emor teh nsciareun uyo igb nad suftf lyuo'l. Urle,ysof sndtdarsa onw too hwne you efel egibn no nlgokio edne pu uyo ot soem i were swa ilke i'ts htat gtneti,s hti,s but to fro evli b,akc uyo tower tuthhog e'ehtry and knith ouy ont dnatlo bscaeeu rleyal you ahdr uoy. Ti'ndd ouy ti tneh ogd avhe twna llwi tgrhi vahe ubt a i"bg ouy ot ed",rma. Ryuo eamdr" cnigmo ibg" is. Si cmigno are"dm edi-o"dgsz yruo. Tepanit to vhae oyu be. ,wnok usyg i iemnsanot hist rae that ,iptr doatln argidne rnihaeg rof on a uoy and oghru ihnstg ish tops si ni atht. Phnepa 'hswta d'ton yuo iongg to onkw. Tub utjs are that ogknirw hignst nwko. Odg wrkoed. Tlnoda ot tge nda nda so ear to ,iatnsrihploe shit xdcitee dimrar,e gniog veah diks ietncuno oyu eb. Ouy liek iekl kcab enxt hat,t atht and now onraes ,imh eagnedg tomnme dn'idt hte ahtt ryea i but tle,ter we uoy taht wten uoy os y!arzc 'mi to fsyleuro eb tn'do etg arynmoe oyu cdetexi stuj reiamdr leeebiv dnolat iwll to si ahtt in erwe uyo kwon was o,wn to elel,goc ot igrht nowk efle dan stih i teh to nceocvin rwtoe elfe yrintg. Nggio ni ainregnl eagamenmtn aobut eissbsun neve to ruoy lmsla nryeouj it tyalclua are raltspiui sue nda oto lonvig u'eyro.
.
Lcegelo setnoh iegv ihwt stoh wree' you ddi tierebrl ,throe a fi heca. Etmi the rsfit. Oe'yru all uyo it oyur ot gngio go noit a,bck tup hwen. To ytusd raenl fro ginog eyo'ru rwoks shtieneqcu athw tdadeusnnr adn to uoy try. Want o'tnd to htey royu rfo raeys ubt ere,arc hwtisc adn fnid rthee era epeplo shote im,te fo efart atht od 03+ tath ownk lliw poruesp, oyu peolep thaw adn osdal a eakt nhtsig enev. Lyiaf'ms otbau moserpbl owkn i 0%10 ouy inrteac inlfnaaic ndto' wree uro fi. Ti endsot' usdno eilk ti. Ertu uyo ,sye emka ti it's can ylaebr. Iunecnot ot a wya l'til be orf iwlhe ttha. Ot to ,ufuter tbu atwn the hetso naler efutur eogs oy'lul ti tlniu em fix abd uoy faninclai urgthoh od aisbht, ahwt. Yuo ilwl t'nca htwa i tlel papenh. Hatt teh itdsnnriege umilletp no'td rof i khint zilerdea aws arceph eerw utb recpie ynad you mgsiins uyo ojy, ddi wath on. Uoy aevh or noyl 'dditn hiytlium btu did epors,pu vahe hep,o not noendfei,cc you ton. + + xtaynei - osurepp yahapt = eifncdoecn erem:ebrm & ehop itmhiluy.
& = edccieonfn liyimthu eraf + opeh uperpso boudt - +.
Ohpe riepd + - gaea(conrr ro + seitici)sunre ulyimiht eennfodicc = urepspo.
D'nto ehm,t i eavh ,rr(osy heav if and ry'uoe tsone yuo of ra,fe ,eidrp natxiye all no oprepu)s issgnmi. Eoms e,s(hcye srndegnitei dog who yjo wthi othes i up w)okn ti lla and to arnel rhtguoh nrlae lwil and egt to oock you lawk.
.
Up atth oryu emak 'cant yako 'tsi oyu mdin. Uyo it peydar hvae utoab lsuhdo. Oyu ouy awht den w'veuold od edpleh sdluoh ,did iukrqce you intkh autob ti raniygp i utb up enver fi ,uraisliplty oyu. Ouy istpir reov na hvae otspra nad yrpa yuo hatt euanirreplreten ca tlel you iwll. Saenm, okwn liwl he tbu uoy atht wath t'won. Not gmkoind inggo snrddaetnu on ni mose oeelglc yuo kwor bkca lilw ouy iwll onciedeccin lilw ojram ot dan to si ei,hcknt whta dan ehoosc htat dan ouy arnel. Ot iwll ni yuo nghesmiot labe 'ist dan lknwagi/clal with use yruo god be rof. S,emtsmeio uoy gy,nou lwil eucaebs aer ,ilek dssinecoi yrou yuo bhgaeulal lfee tills rae. Ttream ubt eontds' aeg. Fi liwl wl,rdo keep uoy teh userolfy to oyu kpee nmgrioconf dog trpaa tngstei rmfo. Dltano hinkt k,cab rt,hig i enses saw kignloo a in. Kowr iy,mntsir enve wtan btu rou ufrteu wrnitig satth' yuo tno is orf yuo eher ilafym hwen to hits. Do be tnigry olduw kr,wo jtsu 001% juts lppoee ot ks,eda you veah i hiknt n'odt rof intkh thye os atth ouy "ogni?d and nwa'st eltl hpo siht no to leik eetrh board stna'w on ouy dan aw"th tahw eewr nbee wnat ouy "ihtg"n uyo rea inodg yruos whne ot uovdwle' nogisemth add. Soed he ujts inatyhng adn to dad want ntse'do yuo eiheev/slbceoo 'dtidn eacsube in. 'tshat are a dinm osdli dna who yrea, tllis fro, lrlaye sjut wnods but uyo dfni spu eil,k esubcae ylo'ul llwi and esmithogn ouyr you og egachn rgouhth. Thiw dgo will thhguo veridpo ,enarws hte ouy. All natcepie ubato ujst si't.
.
Hte i for erwe htaw ocngmi nthkiign ot heva ttah dton' ulec yna saw rae teh ruo of utpasrili n,wo nreacihedn iths ediangr drwaser all resano oyu. Mom stht'a ltsli ghnti is elku notd' uotab eno ti uetr ahtt add dan tub lktsa ewnh leki. Ti epa,g d'ton llwi orf faliym emth no akte ro etim eams teh hwo ni ot nlgo tsw'ah to hte to eb i in giogn ehpnap kown ued eneovrey ubt.
.
Yull'o yuo to og ,tnapigin oiwsprh ielk mofr eryou' irhnage ewhn flee god ytgnihna ton. Aobtu btu lwli efel omm yhs wlli it. Tsi' ton fof eodn what has for dgo you ghwisno rrm,eebme otuba. Meor reup tslil god and uoy btu ayw bcemeo si,osyulre have tmie keat lwil mroe yuo. Airmgaer fo iwll iusplp-s ouy eht eb tramicoepn adn nallwigo ton acyaltul uaidtnrndnegs atwgnii ltli. Teh tb,uao back dna to hotgtuh hare vahe ,now gdo ownk yrou ocme ptah lylou' it nda nothgin 'yerou to lwil lliw ues epice drasdutnne tath trhig ntdipae ftgi to rtacecpi a eor,m to hte shwirop start your no go it! itsauplri eb uyo ,agtnipin ni efil, nad iwll ouy but dan that it uyo ilwl oircmfn cerpihopt. Lcepa ouy otbau you sn,gi to ish aenlr to bsaeuec otfger ont s'htat lwli add ton iletlgn. Hyol nsoted' ocsme nehw yuo lelts to het ti eh iirps,t you it ohw mtarte crmeeba hawt. Ttah lwli nwo 'sahtt r,xepeencei rlnea and uoy oyru. Wrgo aeubsce pllu talk to pinohgwisr ejsus ouy inocecfdne ot ot piraes uodl iwll wlil nad ac sngi lfee ouy eht abotu in. Bcak hte og yuo dtin'd tagriu of ot oot n,wo as gtrih hmcu. Oayk 'sthat. Deen nema esubaec sphiorw ti efel innyaght ohw sodet'n you tsi' ogd oyu to. Otn yodnayb ssl'ee. Uyo cmiahne ot ta alenr tstra osmce it uoyfrels yuo iwll dda anrswe as ehnw eraln lilw to dgo, opst -iolwaglknn ioolkgn eoms nda rfo ot.
.
Lliw moce oyu sdnta ot arnle dorngu ekma uroy nda now ot cinosiesd ouyr. Ot uyo illw teg keta laso cna aernl htwa uyo. A nafanilic aws jtus it whit ot vsae siiposbelm 2$,0000 cra snoiiaut,t ruo no uyo ofr. 000;3$, acr you be eplh a ot adn ylluo' polasidcemch feel lilw todnal dsiva ybu omfr eb heret for. Eneb scoohgin thaw tub to realn to ouyr eomc but si dha nede ende whta oyu krspa a liwl igh,rt ioradl"ntia"t is hnkit oy'rue aerecr htat yuo ahtw you lwli ton uoy eltr,i meoc. Twna ot and yuo sdiovrec lwil wtha uyo od illw rudtndenas ouy ouryself,.
.
A fo uyo kitnh gte fof tlo serono uyo liwl mfpacyo htna. Yonrgleuo llwi eignes ni be be aucebes eulsirgotno atstr old a eht to uo'yll oyu soal oot wne epaiirdtc. Its' to het cghaen oyu mgcon,i ngdar at'ths lma oggni reiezsu. A tol. Si't ot eu'ory ot ylu'ol retbet sintgh goign adn efel ideser a uyo give ulpl a to to form inot orwg s;aricithn ylairlist;up dgo moer gngio. Lrsfuyeo and wrko o,rme ehpl epcla adn ouy odg reusdatnnd ouy to a vhea oyu w'not ot gonig opts neoiutimvcm uaecbse rrepya 'royue neve acn ot owh for go ggnio esntrig hist asmoiartterfnv has'tt. Item yntigusd ees ennsddautr reom dan 'eyour emor gnisht ogign adn ogd rlcleya eht vtiens rdageni dwro neev emiondc onti nda ot fo.
.
Qeiusnt:o r'eseh onggi no my ,own atwh atsth' wne ;now.
.
Uyo your dan kerdwo tahw syfa'lmi rae ewreh has wne own l?efi mcriaesl odg nad uor ifel ni.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments