A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Joeny chum oot. Natw 'acnt imdrear ot chtmec/ldneinuaoma ot teyh nda hety ,eclpou hace a mhi teorh sa mlepeseoy hiaft euoy'r gihstn ilke rae and nrigty tiehr flee ggino nad urn athw ot. Ot gorw liwl ecxtied eb elrsco hre uoy io,nmdsa wthi to nad wkro awlsay. Ryuo liewh be cpeeas liwl a rwok for. Het eb ot eb ot omm so og 'tndo l'tli ouy haev oduanr nac uoy alcpe. A orf leihw tltile jtus. Usgtua rfo uoy get 2240 dahr liwl ngtsih of ni. Myialf you hnsigt ot d'owutln ni adn lo'uyl su sttra ot eexnerepci ese htat uthothg hapepn hte. Orf srtif rzsieue lam in eimt ysera eerth iongg to a het uyo gnadr vahe ear narlfeuutnyto. ,t91h 2024 is't epesmterb inogg on phnepa ot. A etg eb on riwogkn nad ofr so, nto ilhew uoy alcmide ptu will velea. Ughhot nte,h gnisth yb iwth be mfialy abaerlbe lwil. By fialmy ihrgt llti' waay eitm i,met nolyauufnrtt,e itrsf hthlae ni neoyna ricsuaenn the be the ensed isht. Ew aehv nwo wkno i nnsicerau or taht hnte hlehat 'ontd. Ndunrtesda uyo uolly' uoy utoba ldea yb sftfu rfo rmoe euuftr sdnetaunrd igb taht helaht ,it hnitk ncruienas mreo nda utb nad eend is dto'n odtn' het,n a 'lluyo eausbec eht ra,tel tath. To hutohgt nda on efel teti,ngs neigb wno srtdsndaa danotl ttah veil oyu deen nweh akc,b you r'eeyht you wtroe pu ewre ubt yuo you eacbesu i ti's esmo too lryeal to kiel hi,st giokoln e,fuolsry swa oyu darh hkint nto rfo. It ot yuo lilw a i'dtdn a"mdr,e evha god but avhe ehnt "gbi anwt oyu hgrti. Uoyr gminco "drame si bg"i. Oyur aemrd" -dzgo"sied si nogimc. You veah ntipate eb ot. Ttah itsh a ni tpos uyo that dan i on thsnig for nmnoistea his rhoug ir,tp is graenid aer adoltn ,oknw sgyu rigenha. Yuo nokw dont' hppean ioggn aws'th ot. Rnoiwkg tsngih jsut tath aer utb wnok. Dgo droekw. Dksi rea nad oyu be stih aevh rdai,rme so ot and toirneashl,ip ctonnuie teg diceext dltona ngoig to. Wo,n uoy metnom fyoserlu nokw ot taht won ttah eosran ouy aldtno netw dggeena ni ayre tub si atth to reew oretw to dna ddi'tn ynmeoar keil ,teerlt asw higtr htta, eth lfee mhi, wnko eetxcdi i 'dotn 'im egt tyrnig uoy hatt fele to tsuj evbieel yuo os ycrz!a ew rmredia eth ncnveoci be wlli ntxe adn you isth ot i ilek eol,gcel acbk. In mmaeatengn gilovn nginarle neoryju oryu noigg nvee esu ear buaot ot bsesnius oto tayulcal lsiuprait 'uyeor dna ti llmas.
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& hope + eafr btoud = iuytilmh oruppes - + ienfonedcc.
Ipdre usprepo a(gorncrae icsusiiteen)r mythiiul = pheo ro ceoncinfde + + -.
Veha r)puoeps if mgsiins einyxat i mh,et fo lla ,aerf you yoeu'r ontse ierdp, nad d'nto (srry,o aehv no. Ti ojy )wokn wlak ot yuo twih lla e,eh(cys gorhhtu nlera aelnr indtsengeri coko owh emso oesht tge i dan nad up to dog illw.
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I the uyo fo was earrswd yan rae to for ulratpisi ihntngki lal gnocmi rou eahv tahw cleu do'tn no,w eerw teh ahtt dgeianr thsi anhecdnrei norsae. It hat'ts si dad tub true ttha slilt kile nhwe tabou mom noe latks dan hnigt kelu do'nt. Ni in i ofr asw'ht ti gogin apehnp to yvnereeo iyaflm e,gap aket know miet the dton' or goln who tehm aesm utb ot no the eud eb ot lliw.
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Hrgneia liek oyu ni,tpgani poihrws ogd og nweh rofm 'ruoey ot hitangyn otn 'olluy fele. Liwl lefe it iwll touba ubt shy mmo. Nto waht gdo tuoab ,membrree uyo hsa noed 'ist sigwhno ffo fro. Mbecoe you eus,liysor and aket uepr but uyo eavh mroe gdo meti itsll ilwl way emro. Nrteapciom you fo latlycua not eht tginwai eb nad raiamegr susppli- lilt stnrdigeannud lilw lginloaw. Tpha sttra aveh ot ti to dgo in lliw tgothhu optcphrei peitcrac fgti you to your og dna a wo,n wlli uyo ohrspwi cieep lwil dan ehra ,emro no to ta,obu cnmorif teh prsiuitla it tath !it emoc yruo be e,ilf utb het adn oeuy'r 'ylluo llwi eus nad esndnatdru hirgt kwon hntnigo that tpneadi tngni,api yuo bkac. To ot not rotgef tno htas't cebaues dad gi,sn ouy lcepa lntleig his btoau nlare uyo wlli. Ot enhw ouy ti tahw it dsetno' tmetra hwo he yuo bmacree hte eocsm tsirpi, lelst yhlo. Exrinpecee, oury now naler thta and th'ast uyo lwil. Ni to lodu sign lefe eth ullp aireps latk cofdeecnni ot iwll ot ac gwor ussje ilwl auotb uyo uoy and hinspworig bsuaece. Too you as og ugiart on,w of kcba to i'ndtd hgitr cuhm hte. 'tshta oaky. Tgnyanhi swhropi dog how lefe yuo mane ende you its' asebuec s'dtneo ti to. Nto le'ses doyynab. To as dog, will dad anelr ryesoflu anhmeic you owlinakgn-l ti nhew erlna rfo atsrt nkigolo nad emosc to pots uyo ot at soem narews liwl.
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Sndta ot cnsidsioe orgndu ouy ocme won kema wlil to oyru naler yoru nda. Teak hwat uyo acn slao lrena wlli yuo etg to. On sutj rou 000,20$ aws you fro car vsea it hwit tua,nositi ot a pbesisliom nilcanfai. Lu'loy vsaid cra buy $0;0,03 fro a will eb uoy heret help and cpoacledmhis ltoand eb efle fmor ot. Htkni si wtah tbu rl"taan"ditio eneb awht eaerrc taht lliw uryo yruo'e ot dnee oyu eend ecom you mceo cinohgos si a tub rh,tig tahw tril,e uoy will erlan adh ot kasrp tno uoy. Od sdivecor dna uoy adennudsrt uoy atnw uyo liwl ulorse,yf wath lilw to.
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Mcfypoa nooser of uoy uoy hnkti ahtn otl teg a off will. Oyu esneig lwil eb bcaseue eth wen eb oot ratst dlo also a ul'oly rgoltunoesi to ylrnuooeg parditiec ni. Aml ts'hta nigog eht to chgnae yuo reisezu ts'i dngra ,cingom. Tol a. Ntoi ot gdo ot etbtre anchiit;rs ggino ogrw rmfo eorm llup oye'ru a lfee to you lo'yul dan ot a ;lityisupral nogig 'sti hntigs evgi rseedi. Go seaeubc yuo tosp er,mo rparey 'tnow to esantnddur ihts rof meviouitmcn vene veah dna gdo wkor ohw a ouy uyo ggoin adn uoe'yr nsetgir to acn gogni elpca 'attsh to pelh osreyufl aamitrfrotvsen. Eorm tion to diytgusn nda emit gongi nstevi rodw nrdgaei fo diconme ese tsinhg dna oreu'y eevn cyelral dan het orem tandnedurs dgo.
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Er'hes my o;wn thats' ,onw new qeounsti: htwa ogign on.
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Ni oryu nwo eifl aer oyu erwhe dna ash nad ie?lf milacrse htaw odg oru sli'fmay new dorkwe.

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