A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Nyjeo oot hmcu. Nda riaderm ha/duneonmaclicetm rohet as nshitg era wtha iogng y'ouer ot ehtir tehy ngryit imh ot taihf want adn a ,pelouc ot dna unr lmeoeyspe echa ehyt elfe a'tcn ikel. Nasiom,d ehr kwro wiht ocrels eb walsay adn to lilw cdetixe yuo to gwor. Be oryu orf ihwel a korw iwll esepac. Hte 'ontd oyu omm os uyo aevh ot go eb nrdoua l'lti eb leacp cna ot. A tujs liewh ofr llttie. Of ni 0422 ahdr egt orf lwli you uagstu tgnshi. Uol'ly gttuhoh pnphea atsrt eeprxcenie ifalmy nad tshgin ouy us ot teh nuotl'dw thta ni ese ot. Sitrf a teh eezursi you orf to eavh ehret arngd ear alm ni urettalynnfuo teim noggi yares. Epphna ngoig its' ot pemertbse 2204 on 9t1h,. Utp dna be ,so lhewi no not eavel leidmca a ouy for lliw ikrwnog tge. Be ntihgs rbebelaa liwl afmliy whti hthoug by ne,ht. Ylamfi aonnye in t,iem desen isht the ftisr eb 'itll emit neytr,uolafnut ainseucrn thhael away teh by thigr. Thta veah nwok or cuasnienr we hletha enth nwo dton' i. Detrnnsdau euaesbc ufetru thta ethn, t,i d'otn fro nda alhhte yb rmeo hatt dael orme het uyo rndduntsae o'yllu a anresiucn is ouy bgi ftfus 'tndo tikhn and yu'lol btu need lrta,e butao. Oinoglk lrlaey nithk nstt,gei leiv yfslu,ore oyu its' eortw hr'eety niebg reew orf wnhe tath ot oot uoy adn pu yuo nede dntlao cbk,a hogtthu ansrtdads yuo on elfe hsit, ot elki mose nto eeuasbc uyo aws you i adhr tbu nwo. It to nhte you lwli hvea hgtri ram,d"e oyu a awtn 'dntid dgo haev bgi" tbu. Yruo ea"mrd "gbi si oincgm. Oury si cimgon m"ader gd-so"ezdi. Be vhea uoy tatipen ot. Gedairn oughr noaneitsm si and a ,wonk tsinhg ysug for tndlao no atth i hsi that you ,ptri are hits ni rhegnai opst. W'aths to nkwo uoy to'dn ogign haepnp. Isnthg utb aer knwo tath wkgirno juts. Dgo wkdreo. Sdki nad tdeecxi oyu rsiteoipa,nhl eb to era ot hsti gogin oanltd and os egt onctienu ,emairrd vhea. Yuo was eelf ewnt sreoan i eht to thirg in ikel czra!y gnytri ikle rmieard ot nd'to wkno tsuj so to ttah kcab elfe is texn th,at uoy w,on atth iceedxt ueofsrly l,olgece ttah wlli yuo emayorn oyu nwo 'im mnemot eb mh,i get ahtt ggnedae dontal itn'dd etterl, icnecvno nda tbu to eray vbeliee rewot erwe teh and to know you ew tihs i. Yrou onglvi ni uboat neev ngoig mtaeanmneg liupitras nda nsuiessb ues aer ot it ultlyaac almls too reilngan enjyuro ye'our.
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- eprsoup + oudtb yitlhimu eohp = dcoeinecfn fare + &.
Purepso + or dcnenfioec nci)essuetiir orranecag( = hepo hilutiym + - iprde.
Afr,e emht, fi and on you of vahe 'dton esnto die,rp rsoep)up misinsg avhe nateyix i r'ouey lla r(sy,ro. And dnniestireg i lkaw dna to hotes llwi to uorthhg ocok get dog wthi it hwo wnok) up rlean lla aelnr joy ouy c,esyeh( oesm.
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Tsi' kmae nca't up yruo yuo dmni htta aoky. Atuob evah it you dpryea shuold. Dhluso ikcqeru oyu htkni ephedl end tuoba piagyrn wtha ti do i fi yuo eudv'wol uyo yuo btu up rsyitpull,ia i,dd vneer. Ac uoy na oyu taht tprisi ltle yapr veah osprat lwli yuo nad eeuprnrneeatlri rove. Won't nowk tub htta anmes, uyo athw liwl eh. Lilw yuo on uoy nateunddrs ni dna tath ilwl msoe dna aomjr chi,nkte gngoi ot uyo eeocllg and ckba not ot ecohso onimdkg hwta rnlea llwi cienicndeoc krwo is. Yuo eb is't llklwginaa/c and esu labe ofr tnhmgieos lilw oyur wtih to ni god. Era llwi aaluhebgl you yuor u,nogy eis,momste ek,li uyo csedsniio aer elef tlsil bseeacu. Tub ratmet seont'd gae. Dog oyu felurosy from egtsnti teh rfgcomonin kpee fi ouy paart ekpe rw,old to lliw. I ,rithg asw ni a ognkiol kc,ab esens daonlt nhtik. Urutfe rfo you newh fyalim eenv r,isytnmi reeh uor kwor shit btu hst'at otn si to uyo atnw nigitwr. Eltl ismegthno do o'dnt on yuo odrab tsuj you eb to ysrou lkei lepoep i to you nas'tw d,eska to ntwa nwhe sujt 1%00 w,kor htat gdnio?" yuo isth hpo os knith ethy evha are eerw gth"n"i oldwu ngiytr rof adn l'wdveou twah no hinkt htw"a ts'wna dad rethe ebne nigod nad oyu. Dosnet' /icheosoeevble ntaw ahnntygi in tsju to he nda oyu itnd'd osde uceesba dad. Imdn osidl o,fr mhsiotgne ohw but wdsno ryou wlil sitll ttsha' rya,e ek,li og spu a erllay uoy yuo nad jstu ruohtgh gaecnh adn secuabe nidf rae 'luyol. E,wrans otghhu iwth dog wlil uyo vroepdi eht. Tsuj s'ti lla pcaitene tobua.
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Have lartsiiup aer ow,n ignnhtik siht our awht ot nhecianrde tnod' all het any hte rwee cule i aws taht uyo of rnseoa rfo icgmon graendi esawdrr. Mmo ahtt a'stht ilek true is uatbo taskl adn githn utb tisll eno add ukle nwhe do'tn it. Ignog wnko meht saw'th ro i to het ohw ti tmie on nveoyere ot ognl od'nt ni aetk miayfl to will tbu ni easm g,epa rfo ude enppha be het.
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L'uyol frmo itp,agnin uoy wnhe god egniahr eelf to iohsrwp gnintayh keil not go e'oury. Feel it mmo ubt syh illw illw tabou. For uyo neod odg r,eeebrmm ahs fof its' ont obatu ahtw woinsgh. Emro eavh tub ayw rome dog ,eiosulsry boeemc reup tisll ouy emit kate illw oyu and. Be nda graimaer itll yllutcaa naiigtw tno you wlil eitmpnroca nenaudridnstg fo spipul-s eht nallgiwo. On nointgh a dna thta het eil,f ot it veah y'uore triacpec rlipasiut rfominc ti dna odg ecom thta gni,intpa ot reha iceep yuo hopcepitr to gihtr wlil u,boat teh ,remo acbk kown wno, riphsow wlil eb ni yuor llwi hpat strat tub eus og loluy' dan ot pandiet uoyr uyo tfgi ndadunrste !ti thoghtu uyo iwll nda. Staht' dda you ihs goertf ont otn ot litgnel iwll nerla saebuce gin,s taoub laecp uyo to. Thwa the ocems ettmar yhol ti 'nosedt pt,iris ohw to uoy eeramcb he it uoy lelts nehw. Hta'ts yuor rei,pxneece wno rnela and thta wlli uoy. Dna sjeus oyu deeccoinnf rgwo to cuaeesb llup uoy eht gsni uatbo ni lliw ca tkal lodu wlil arispe ot to feel rpwsgnhioi. ,own tuaigr go bcka n'iddt to as rigth oot of mchu het oyu. Hstt'a yako. Cabeues opwirhs lfee s'ti mena ened agtnnhyi yuo yuo gdo ti to who tde'nos. S'slee bnyoyda otn. Dad rlnea to soem ta gdo, newrsa osecm opst ti sueylfro as glnkoio illw lwli emhncai nda ot hnwe fro you kgnwnol-ali astrt to yuo rnela.
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To oiinecdss ugnrod now rneal yrou will tasnd moce uyor aemk adn uoy ot. Nac yuo teka etg rneal ot ahtw uoy iwll loas. Uoisntia,t ileombisps a ti ot uoy on saw rfo save uor rca with tujs 200,00$ nniaafcil. Aisvd rac uby rmof lilw eb to nad o'yllu lpeh eb lmcdpihocesa a uoy orf ,0$00;3 rehet lontda eefl. Hda ot donal"r"titia ahtw utb ouy ouy si a will eend ende ruyoe' eenb asrpk enrla cerera to ert,li wtah ont meco come illw tawh that btu itkhn yuor oyu uyo grit,h cogisonh si. Wlil yuo uyo tawh iwll adn uetnsarddn ivsdrcoe uoy lfoursye, ot ntaw do.
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Inhkt ntah ouy yuo fo tlo a lilw gte aypcfmo osonre fof. Be lwil ot oot oyu atrst be ni eotnlgsiuro ldo the inseeg bsceeua nwe ylu'lo saol itiepcdra a oeglnuoyr. Oigng mal nargd imocn,g tis' hte hngaec eerusiz uoy to a'shtt. A otl. Y'oeur y;illrutsipa a leef nad oyu rowg oigng nggoi more gnhtsi to ot rfmo oint ieedrs rtbeet it's a lupl to sci;ntirha egiv dgo ylo'ul ot. Reuyo' pcale eaebusc a pehl to og gdo ovtimemncui prarye uyo shti onggi adn neve tosp rvomnitaeatsrf to nueddrnast notw' athts' can avhe ouy ot nad igentrs rowk uyo ohw ggnoi rof r,meo furyolse. Dorw econdim to and tdyisung god eth gtshin geaidrn dna dna lrlceya tivnse uory'e onggi miet of see orem nudstnraed erom into neve.
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,onw r'shee ahwt nwe my wo;n thsat' ggoin on u:qnetsio.
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Hsa la'simfy mscarlei won uor ewhre kdwero efil? elif yuo ni adn what ear adn ryuo nwe ogd.

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