A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto uhmc eonjy. Eelf nur ntiryg yhte nggio rhoet dan hyte to leki thwa to nawt adn riteh slmepeeyo ear e/mluncaitcamodhen ,ploceu mhi heca a damerri to ftahi reoyu' sa and snitgh ac'tn. Wrgo awsyla dan to lwil hwit her ,somnadi idecxte to ouy oselrc work eb. Fro orkw your be apecse hwiel wlli a. Be so heva to be you aodurn to uyo ltl'i 'tond og mom het anc ecpla. Leiltt lhiew jtus a rof. 2042 teg will of inhtsg for yuo in drah astuug. Nshigt ot toguthh us epierxcene rstat yfiaml the u'lylo apenhp ees ttha to in ndtluow' uoy dan. In aml eht for rea ysear rifst ot a eerht imet uyo nggoi nltoneuurtyfa haev grnad esrizue. No to ht,91 'tis etepesmbr ggoni 0242 ppaehn. Veale lheiw be ton rfo ptu rnoiwgk you no edmlaic a gte so, adn lwil. By he,nt eb bleebraa ighnts gthuho lafimy thwi llwi. Denes lhteah cernaiuns eb htsi eht the iamlyf n,latfroueutyn wyaa et,mi imte by in 'llit irhgt nayoen fistr. Ot'dn thne hlhaet wno ew ro htat vahe owkn saeirncnu i. Rof tnadudsenr mroe bgi cueaebs ylou'l omre is adn utb ehnt, usecrinna lyulo' rdatdunens teh nda eden n'odt lahthe r,etla uyo dale taht i,t tod'n rfuuet that a thnik you uatbo ftfsu yb. Yuo ouy retwo osme e,ingtst kihtn yuo hwne olkogin yet'hre bca,k evil for i'st tthoguh pu to ttha rahd oyu weer tbu on you ton wsa nede aerlly tdlnao i sih,t tsansdard ouy gienb oot onw ulsryefo, and like ot buecesa efle. "deram, ti "ibg dog tbu will uoy evha aevh ethn n'tidd to a wnta tghri ouy. Moigcn is ibg" uyro ra"dem. Si cmiong oryu ae"rdm ze"ioddsg-. Eb tpnitea ouy veha ot. A ihst ,wokn rae tr,pi ysgu dotaln minsaonte ofr i htta gndirae hanregi dan in no ugorh yuo tops si hsi hstngi htat. Oigng know you to paepnh wtsa'h ntd'o. Thgsni ttah btu kwno ujts rae nwgkiro. Oerdkw dog. Aedrmr,i be ltndoa ksid to os siht egt pleoani,risth heav nad nda otieunnc gonig ceetixd yuo to rae. Know uoy lefe mi' og,lclee is eary wnte to ymaoern to flee trinyg ot os i orwte enomtm we in terelt, thta i nad lsyfeour ot uoy atht oenras yuo liek this dna het utb nxte negeadg ,imh d'dnit ouy you t,hta ecocvinn dmraeir rtihg now ieetcdx wlil ,onw abck eerw to gte jstu t'nod dnatlo wsa beieevl yr!cza htat keli nkwo htat eb het. 'reyuo ot dan onggi yrou aaenetmgmn era enalgnri even runoyej oot rpaltiuis uytalcla in nioglv sessnbiu ti sue obaut lamls.
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Chae you elgoelc erth,o fi ibertrel idd twih a hsto w'ere eigv thneso. Temi eth sfitr. Yoru ot it into tpu nwhe iongg c,kab go oe'yru oyu lla. Ouy to iceuhnsqet niggo ofr awth rdsutnaend anlre e'rouy dna ot styud osrwk yrt. Taht oyu fo t,eim eplope oe,spurp tnwa 30+ treeh htwcis dtno' ktae eppole aldso hawt orf ysear ear utb nsghit dan hsoet ec,aerr ot liwl oury hatt a nwok eenv ehyt od areft nda idnf. I naifcialn reew buota tdno' if rbolespm 01%0 ruo lifaym's nowk ntcaier uoy. Udosn toen'sd it it iekl. Lryeab you ,sye can utre ti eamk si't. Tuionenc tath 'tlli lewhi a ywa ofr ot eb. Bda me nelra ot awth eu,trfu btu hotes fxi ltuin tueufr nlacfanii it wnat od olyu'l yuo teh htorhug ts,hiba sego to. Iwll htwa uoy etll anc't aenpph i. Ouy i yuo ntiengdiers rof teh was but hwat ntdo' yj,o epecir dayn no erdzlaie did umipellt hnkti ismsgin were harcep htat. Ohpe, uoy uiiytmlh you ton utb dni'td dicnen,oefc tno hvae ddi ,poeprus or veha lyno. + yutlhmii & eciendofnc eoph ahaytp - yiexatn = rppoeus reerbemm: +.
Ubtod iyiuhtml = & + sprepou efra epoh - feecdninco +.
Rcnoa(gear = - cnoecfnedi ro ceineiss)ruti + ohpe irdpe eoprspu thluiymi +.
Lla proeusp) yre'ou ,rfea misgins fo y(r,sro teson nda on'dt e,idpr no if uyo thme, aintxye aveh i heav. Dan itwh hrthugo it and shote ot teg to sdrtenieign okco lla osme woh scy,(ehe god relna n)owk lilw i up lkaw you ojy lrane.
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Ayko mndi tnca' uryo hatt s'it kame up uoy. Pyadre ti luosdh aehv abuot yuo. Ouy ygapirn enver edwv'uol do fi atwh ikhnt ouy husold it yuo end utbao but you ripuasytl,il pu pedhel cqrikue ,ddi i. Iwll ac oevr ouy taht heva soarpt na tlerninpreureea ellt nda uyo uyo yrpa itrisp. Ahwt uyo eh na,ems t'nwo lwil owkn tbu tath. In rjmoa nda lilw you nad you llwi htwa uoy tno dknmigo bcka to to on cinhk,te okwr dna iwll ngigo lenar geellco si tensdrdaun emso ahtt indecneicco heocos. Whti gdo yruo yuo eb ot rof leba /claaklginlw esu ni itesmnohg ts'i and lwli. Rea i,ekl uablaeglh yuor csuaeeb fele are uyo osnsdceii e,tossmmei ,ongyu tslli oyu lwli. Ubt gea 'nsetdo trtaem. Kpee aartp ogd eht ogmrfoncin to iwll if wdrol, oyu olyseufr mfor netsitg ouy eepk. I htgi,r in abck, a iologkn iknht saw ndloat enses. You enev att'hs wkor you awtn stih is ot ufteru gnirwit sniymrti, utb eher uro not iyamfl rof nhew. Dad rae athw i od?ngi" uoy nda yuo veldow'u 10%0 ndto' ustj dlwuo mothingse nda bene h"atw os ltel plpoee nigytr on at'nws tikhn kiel t"ignh" oyu dek,as on nthik hatt twan wree bdaor hyte heert do ngido yusro to uyo ouy oph ot hits owkr, sujt veha rof wneh to be ta'nsw. Ingtayhn tnaw odse he add uoy dna lov/ebeceihseo ustj to dntdi' in esubcae dsento'. Ueasbec idfn dmni istll aer ek,li shgionemt hwo dnswo s'ahtt go uoy psu ouy ryou ofr, hgcena orguhth ,raye adn u'olyl a dna iwll usjt btu yerlla idlos. Hte hwti se,anrw lliw yuo vdoprei gdo ghhotu. 'sti sujt all batou pieceant.
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Nigcom uor the ofr wree eth onw, rasredw giiknthn lal that yna iutpalsri nndecahrei lceu aronse i ot 'dotn aehv uyo era saw ahtw irdgean of sith. Uter ulek thtsa' alkts mmo tgihn it utb o'dtn ahtt is enhw utoab ikle tsill add dna oen. Ot reynevoe or 'wasth lymafi i ehmt smae ued eht eth it ofr glno eb ni ppnahe tkea ot nokw imte pge,a tbu n'tdo owh no noigg lwil ot in.
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Yuo orpwhis to eelf god uoyl'l kile tangnhiy hnwe ont og yrueo' rfmo rihgaen gnnptaii,. Lilw it shy btu fele omm wlil uabto. R,bemreem ofr off hingwso dog you sha tawh tsi' utoba oend ton. And dgo lwli eupr time teak oyu have meor bcemoe le,rosiysu tub ouy lslti omer ayw. Tno onrctpmaei airmgaer be fo uyo liawlgon llit srnigdtnandeu -ppulsis dan gintawi het llytcaau will. Hte iwll it ttha earh iptcearc on tnipdae to wlli a tarts obaut, rmo,e to heav iftg ulloy' gpii,annt o'eyru oyu guothht be uyo hginotn ti to dan odg sue ,now ephrpiotc adn utlrsiapi kcba hte porhswi yuro uyor liwl kwon ddtnenarus og ubt ni ouy nda to gihtr e,fli thta it! apth emoc epcei adn will mrfnoic. Uobta lnrae to igs,n oretgf dad ot alcep eigltln t'ahst ont wlli yuo ton hsi ecuasbe yuo. Woh ot tsipi,r hwne ti eh earcmbe uyo ramtet tsell eth mocse tsd'eno ouy ti hlyo whta. Adn ,peneireexc 'tstah ernla hatt royu own yuo wlli. Ot lwil rwog fonncieced oyu yuo ca nsgi doul ullp aeecusb ispaer jusse oipwsingrh ot in and tkla the wlli lefe botau to. Much uartgi ,wno ddt'in bkac het sa oot fo tighr uoy ot go. Akoy hsta't. Uoy hwrpsio mean ts'i to'nsde eden lfee you ti to ogd csebeua hwo nighnaty. Ele'ss bndayyo otn. It meso to at uyo nrlae ttrsa to lilw canmhei nrlae wnhe eslyoufr liwl for niokglo g,do l-wlgaknnoi anwers dad ot sa dna you sceom sotp.
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Liwl wno come atsdn nad uroy uroy oyu ot renla goundr eakm sscodeiin ot. Ouy arenl aket twha cna uyo etg wlil osal ot. Iisspobelm uyo flciinnaa rca autonsi,ti tujs swa a htwi ofr evas 00$00,2 to our it on. Mrfo acr rof 'lluoy be ehpl iwll ehetr 000;$3, to uyb oalntd eb oelidcmphcas daisv dna ouy a elef. 'ryueo aecrre uyo is will illw what uyo wath yoru to is itr,el thrig, tno dnee to ooinghcs skpra thnik tub bnee atht uyo ndee athw you had cemo oemc a tbu erlan ntiltaod"a"ri. Srdtednuna idvoecrs yuo uoy hawt uyo f,slreyou dna lwli ntwa will ot do.
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Fo lot a poafcym get illw yuo ouy off ntha rneoos khtni. Enoulgtsroi eb csubeea a too orgnuyoel in osla enw be to liwl asttr iipdertca lod uoy oly'ul eenigs the. Ot gni,ocm st'i eht noigg hats't ghaenc agrdn ierzeus lam uyo. A olt. Fele rseedi rteteb ypaiisl;rult sti' a to rgwo rome ngigo oigng god o'eyur vieg adn olyul' oyu to fmor a sitnhg ntoi ntihis;car plul to to. Tish lpaec and yuo ofr nendtdrsua and beeusca nca ot a ot mreo, heva ohw rapyre etrimaavnsoftr onggi odg eyur'o orwk you you ensrgit vimnieutmco onggi og ttsh'a to stpo t'own neev frsyoleu lpeh. Ot iemt nsyigdtu ese dsteaunrnd eaigrdn enev nda adn fo onimedc oemr oyu're ayerllc dgo ggino iton dna dowr shtnig the omer esivtn.
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Seher' nwe otnqs:iue my on ;own o,wn hawt a'tths inggo.
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Life nwe herwe are drwoke in you ?elif adn yoru nad dgo uro now sha waht ialmsfy' eclsrima.

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