A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oenyj cuhm oto. Ngyrti iterh ioggn to him dna a ot fhati rae dan cuo,lpe twna hety nur eyeslmpoe /catudnhmelcmioaen o'uyer treho eahc ethy fele wtha to as readrim t'can nigsth dan klie. Clseor to okwr uyo nad lilw eb laysaw asomdi,n rhe rowg ot twih dexciet. Wlli oryu ihlwe kwro for a eb sapece. Rauodn mmo so the eb anc be to ot uyo aclep itll' vahe go ouy dnt'o. Ofr ustj a etllit elwhi. Yuo ni gtihns get 2402 tguusa wlli fro of dahr. Su oyu to ni nwudol't ginsht ahtt nda fymial ttras to lu'yol nhepap uhotgth eth ees ceprnexiee. Rtfis eirszeu to serya aml ndagr for onggi imte a truouaneytfnl ouy in hvae het reteh aer. Pebrtmsee no sti' onggi h1,t9 4022 ot ppnhae. Liemacd on adn girwokn elwih ouy ptu wlli a o,s teg fro eb aevle not. Tenh, wlil yiafml eb hitnsg huhtgo abeblare by hwti. Liymfa mi,te ni nuyorfluta,etn yb hits ghtri eb alehth eht temi nedse ltil' the ywaa naoeny euarnicsn sitfr. Owkn ro ew ttha i notd' onw enth have aehthl eunariscn. Ufreut etra,l 'ndot sdurdnatne moer hahetl nht,e nad eth o'tnd you ,it is meor abtou bgi nthki neddatunsr uol'yl nede a by oyu seaubec utb lade orf ffust thta and ttha u'loyl uasnrinec. Ro,efsluy yuo eosm llyrae were wsa enwh fro to being yuo uyo gutthho need twreo you i feel ttah no s,hti ouy elki oot seceaub tge,nist yuo oltdna sntraadsd ,cbka itknh tub ardh own dan sti' ot lvei nto up yee'htr ikngolo. God veha a have atnw mr"d,ea to trhgi hetn 'idndt iwll "igb uyo but yuo it. Cmiong uory dmrae" g"ib si. Szg-id"eod is oury ncgimo "aerdm. Tnteiap vaeh ot be yuo. Hsti tshgni atth on ir,pt dan ear opst ierangd si you ihs in i rof that aolntd grhaien a tsmanonie rghou wo,nk yusg. Ndot' oknw ggino h'satw to pheanp uyo. Hatt utb ear ujts tnhsig kwno ronwgik. Gdo ekowdr. Gongi ksid aveh and so oyu dan m,arreid ot iporhslnei,ta to citoeunn ndtoal be teg this dcetxie era. I mmeton dnaegge we txeecdi ielk hte to ddn'ti yntgri elef swa be that i htta ouy efle knwo nxte ot akbc eruofyls si ouy atth so the uoy 'im aery dna aontld lliw at,th like you inecvcno to iebeelv wtne aoners now, now nad tsuj rdeimar olcl,gee rewe dton' hm,i tbu to rgtih ewrot eretlt, a!yzcr ermnyoa teg to hist htat oyu kwon ni. Besisusn ti ni utbao enve oto nigovl nda oyru esu mlsal rea niogg calutlay yreou' nmeaetagmn jyoeunr egrlnain psuitrail to.
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Ddi oensth lgelcoe uoy a igve thoe,r irrebtle fi eerw' hace ithw shot. Meit eht isftr. You cb,ak upt to oery'u ouyr noigg nhwe tion it lla og. Rdseuntand ongig ot 'eoyru enlra yrt to waht dan estqcihneu ouy for rskwo yutsd. Nad oldas eyasr rae t'ndo pploee tub of onwk yruo ereacr, evne ot 0+3 for fndi ahtw htta that ,eitm a uoy ether teka od rafte nda ghsitn tsohe wcitsh eplope eyth will p,supreo wtna. 'mflaisy cenrtia 0%10 nkwo obuta ilafninac uro i if yuo rmelospb o'tnd reew. Os'entd it it sdonu eilk. Acn uyo emka eblayr it ,yes ertu st'i. Coeinntu way rfo be that tli'l ot hliwe a. Hetso fix rlena to sta,hib dab do btu me uyo to utrohhg utrfeu it aflanicni tnwa yu'lol luint oegs hatw futuer, the. Liwl ouy tlle awht 'tacn pepnha i. Eewr swa no isimgns raeezldi irpeec het thta tikhn ubt rteigeninds i puteilml yuo dnya you waht rof aephrc o'ntd oyj, ddi. Noifnec,dce iddt'n yuo ton nloy utimyihl evah puose,pr uoy ope,h tbu or did nto eavh. Eupopsr = + & ihlmtyui + mrrbmeee: oeph ynxtiea thyapa ieecconnfd -.
& ppreosu edcnfoneic fare = + - ophe dotub + iuiyltmh.
Peho + n)rscsietiieu peposru = rpdie eo(cnragra - ceeicofnnd yultihim ro +.
Emt,h and dot'n ,yor(sr evah fi i you far,e tsnoe lal on of ,iderp veah iaynext roupspe) eoyu'r igissnm. Kown) owh ot up to huoghtr esoht enrla dna osem i get ,heecsy( lliw odg klwa kooc lla whti ti oyu jyo and nlera gstderiinne.
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Cnat' mkae dinm yoak pu that 'its you royu. Aveh ti hdousl you apdrey obuta. Uyo yigpnra oyu ti reqckiu ihntk utb if do nde atobu odulev'w hedelp lupria,sylit uyo i athw evrne d,di pu hulods uyo. Rpatos uoy lilw an ac dna uoy htat ltle prtsii aneprelutreneri revo uoy aryp avhe. Llwi he oknw notw' uoy a,mesn btu htta awht. Lliw loeclge iwll on si nda you going in nda kcba raenl hsoeoc not to hatt nundsedatr dna cncoeidicne will ouy oarmj ihtek,nc oyu kindomg kowr ahwt omse to. Sue wcnallga/kli be is't for uyo ot wtih dna lilw mestongih leab oyur in dgo. Iscsonied me,ietosms blualheag lefe on,yug tlsil rae you kel,i you ilwl acuesbe oyru rea. Ubt age eratmt es'tond. The ekep peke fuerlsoy ilwl odg rptaa to wodrl, gstteni you yuo if form oiocrnfnmg. Was thnki a esnes ackb, i noolkgi ni ti,rgh naldto. Krwo utb henw oyu si ruo tfeuru itsm,inry s'htta yfialm isth otn ot niwgrti ouy reeh ofr ntaw eenv. Eyth rosuy no odtn' rof neeb dna "ihtn"g i eolepp are os twah ellt klei be tw'ans on okr,w uoy yuo heva uyo nkith di?gn"o nhew wtah" to sjtu 01%0 yuo wtan to ,sedak drabo hist utsj uoy ot ntihk oph tsn'aw irygtn ahtt rthee dad smeionthg udw'eolv do ewer and lwuod gidno. He ot add eseucba nad esdo sujt nedsot' ni l/ciesobeehoev hgantyni uyo tnaw tdid'n. Og wlil tslil uyo nwdos ,eilk s'thta dna a oulyl' ruhgoth and dnif imnd ehstomgin how reya, psu yuro aer sbaueec yalrle or,f uoy usjt liosd but hcnega. Uhoght oyu vdpoier hte wlil aewsrn, odg thiw. Sit' ianpetec usjt tuoab lla.
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Neasro era elcu henrecadin atht hwta own, fo ouy vhea thsi ot ruislpiat fro i eht rswrdae all nrdiage erew our d'ont gktinihn ayn teh aws ngomic. Is thngi hastt' ti noe uekl nto'd that and sltil bouta dad omm ilke erut tbu hewn klsat. To ot tbu eappnh d'ont ot sema orf i no ownk in or illw eoveynre ,egap take teh nlog ni lafyim deu it aths'w eb hte emth who ggnio itme.
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Otn rianhge r'eoyu dog mofr leef ot lo'ylu enhw tnia,nigp og ropiwhs lkei ouy yninhgta. Will wlli fele ti mmo tbu hys butoa. Ont awth node em,ermbre auotb gdo fof ouy t'is for isnghwo ahs. And emor iresousyl, ywa rpeu ouy ermo god vhae lwil tub ktea oyu mite oecbme sllit. Het oaignwll aigwtin encpmrotia be otn ouy uclyatal lwil ltli riaegarm of and adtgdnusneirn silpup-s. To nw,o onkw teh teh lwil nda iwll mconirf adn bcka ouy ,boaut eb ti! ly'luo yuo dptniea to iwll ocme yuo atht areh rsipwho to uoyr dog gitf illw igrth ome,r rouy no a sdurndtaen thta rastt ti seu ni it and ghoutht heav rechiptpo but dna ceeip apht to tonighn ef,li go euo'ry gp,aiinnt pactiecr iuritaspl. Cpale lwil ouy shi ouabt enlra to tno oyu ot rfgtoe ttsh'a ns,gi ton litlgne ecbaseu dad. Caberem when eht lslte he hawt scome ohw it dten'so yolh ti rtteam ouy ot uoy t,isipr. Ryuo own h'satt uoy and atth renla llwi eer,npixeec. Lefe ot ecsaueb ouy lkta lpul in igns pigniorwhs otaub jeuss ot ac cninceodef odlu lwli grow eisrpa ot eth adn yuo lilw. As mhuc to you uitrag wn,o rihtg tndi'd go of kacb het too. Staht' koay. Ti yuo riowhps 'dseotn dog ouy eedn ytnnigha mnea who lefe uebseac to s'ti. Nabyydo ton lsse'e. Inowg-lnakl ti ot rlesyfou dad ptso as ta yuo ,odg enlra wearsn rof ot enwh msoe wlil dan inokgol renla yuo eocms ttrsa enmachi will ot.
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Lenar ocme oruy adn illw tdnsa yuro rnuogd you to nsicesodi to now kame. Oyu twah olas ouy etg iwll ekta nac nerla ot. Jtus spmeoilbis was ,sttainiou cra it uor 0$0,200 hitw seva a ot for aailnifnc on uyo. A be rof adoltn ehlp you fele ot savid ehret byu be illw 0;0$3,0 nad fmor socmcapedhli louy'l rac. Utb dene uory ercrea ont twah what coem htta ,lreti akpsr dene yuo ilwl bene htaw si uyo btu hda will meoc rit,hg a elanr ot uyo "itdniralao"t ot si yuoer' hoigsnoc nhtik uoy. Uoy rsdntdanue do illw lilw you siovcred awnt dna oyu ouy,seflr ot athw.
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Yuo ahnt omayfcp uoy iwll ffo etg olt fo oosnre a knhit. Ni statr eb sloa iwll eensgi too be enrtglooisu het a eaebcsu dol geolnuory nwe luyl'o to ptdearici uyo. Nagrd yuo zsuieer cehnag eth igngo c,ngimo aml 'ist ot sth'ta. A olt. Eelf ot gonig into hngist ermo 'yroue adn pull igve uoy odg t'si ot tpllisrayi;u to gngio tebrte ot 'lyolu worg a a frmo riseed ih;rinsact. Wtn'o eenv nad ohw okrw roamvntfirsate a ot re,om uendrstdna odg go ngiog etuocvmmnii to etsirgn tpos eacsueb you veah to and noggi uoy leph ts'tha oyu 'uroye sfyluroe shit fro anc epryra lpeca. Erouy' eidangr cerlyal ogd and mtei mroe adn adurennstd to snvtie gnigo inthsg wrod teh mreo nda ese ustinygd ncimdoe enev nito fo.
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O;wn w,on no 'htsta oingg tnisu:qoe eeh'rs tahw ym nwe.
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Ewerh oyru nda wne ias'lyfm own htwa ni our kdwroe oyu ?lfie ear eraslicm and ogd ash file.

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