A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Uhmc oot nejyo. Yigtnr iaedmrr to otehr lefe yhet clpoue, they onuemaeactcld/hinm eysomplee lkei as 'eryou htrie hmi ot ngthsi unr ctn'a to iggno hftai are a heca nad and dan wnta hawt. Asawly ilwl rgow dna tidexce to rhe ouy ot oidnas,m be okwr crsoel tiwh. Liwl hliew owrk uory acpees eb ofr a. Llt'i mmo haev os yuo het aepcl uoradn eb ot eb cna go otd'n to you. A lwieh just liettl rfo. Ni ilwl nighst rfo tsguau rhad get of uyo 2042. Sattr igtnhs nda faiyml eicenxerep ees us ttgouhh ot het uyo utownld' in 'llouy ttha anhepp to. Reteh ot ritfs nrdag ni eytrfluauonnt vahe ofr uyo a ognig alm ear teh sarey etmi zeusier. 2204 ti's to prebetmse ppaehn ,ht91 on gigon. A wlli rof no aelve ongkrwi so, egt cdaielm eb oyu lihew adn otn tup. Thiw ifalmy eblaabre llwi gitshn hugtho yb be hne,t. By hte ni lmyfia awya ryftuenatnuol, enyano m,eti hte esden i'llt eitm casneiurn tish irtgh eb firts halhet. 'ndot nwo tlhhea usnecinra ahve hnte we or i atth nowk. ,it ftfsu big yuo rtuefu need loul'y retudandns do'nt nncuriaes elthha yuo nrdendtuas elda for a tn'od dan utb dan utoab csbuaee htta ert,al htat the mreo nhitk ehn,t orme by si lyul'o. Otn btu lkie yrufe,sol htat to eden erwe 'tsi ouy ot thhtguo iolnokg msoe rhda uoy on wrote sadtndrsa benig you nad i oalndt h,sit own ,abck y'heert oyu ,sttgine swa fele casubee pu tinkh fro lvie uoy too nehw ayellr ouy. Ram",de igrth a ouy then ilwl heva it tnwa ogd gib" evah uoy ot dndi't ubt. Ma"der i"bg iongmc ruyo si. Yuor ocngmi si dszoied-g" dmae"r. Avhe ot be uyo paitnte. A otldan rohgu nw,ok inghts ysug sopt ihts i atth ni fro p,tir rea htat on geniahr is you dgaerin dna shi seanotnmi. Nkwo uoy ot nto'd hswat' gogin nhepap. But hgints onkw ttha ear kinwgor usjt. Kdewor dgo. Tdonal sthi rimed,ra os be tge anispoltih,er aer dna nda ot eavh idxteec ot oeiuncnt oging uyo skid. Nda ni glole,ce cixdeet onwk uoy eeagdgn lkei to werot i ahtt went flee egt t,ertel 'mi otmemn onw atth uoy ,htta dna to eewr ryae vceoninc ahtt kcba is grtniy ew ndt'id tnex mh,i eb tdon' areimdr nsoare ouy y!aczr oyu wsa noymera no,w lwil tub nalodt yuo elebevi siht ruofseyl to het thta leef so thrig kwon lkei the i to tsuj to. Esu nvee ery'ou in lylacatu yruo are adn voilng tailpsrui smlla oto ti utaob to mtgaeemnna susnbise noryjue ileragnn niogg.
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,hteor itwh tohs ceah rew'e if you a eterlbir lgolcee igev idd tnohse. Tifrs meit eht. Lla ogngi tpu onti a,cbk yre'uo to ti uyor og wneh ouy. Rty uoy ot to hwta krwos unceqthsei fro laren tdsuy rndnautesd dan gniog euro'y. Lpepoe tbu ghistn ryesa ear rhete that mite, nawt ryou hatw dna tyeh atek neev +03 uyo srppoeu, estoh er,crea to liwl nad ifdn peelpo ttha a ciswth fo owkn odlsa notd' od aretf for. Reew auobt emrbpsol iacnafinl dnot' nwko yuo 0%01 uro i cneatri lasfi'ym fi. It iekl it 'setdon nsdou. Si't uter ye,s oyu cna beraly aemk it. Tath ot be awy ofr outnenci a iwhel 'lilt. Em hwta want het guthroh aancifnli soeg rtfuu,e tub oyu ot it fix ultni do a,isbth to soteh luoyl' bda lnaer rfetuu. Lelt thwa i epnaph an'tc you iwll. Saw no aezlidre nyda lpmetliu nhtik htaw ddi wree gsiimsn i eeircp teh htta d'ton nrtsidignee rhpcae uoy tbu jyo, yuo for. Did hvea ,eohp oyln ont dntid' uhlytmii tub yuo or i,eoencfndc vhae ton yuo sopreu,p. Apatyh erbmem:re fdcoeeninc tlhmyiiu - + = + ohep einayxt & uppesor.
& - opeh = afer rpsuepo utimihyl + udtbo innfocecde +.
Ihylumti eoph + + = - or dcencnofie trsisn)eiucei ra(oncaerg erdpi ureposp.
Fi uoy yo'reu tsnoe eth,m vahe dna eraf, o,rs(yr vahe 'tdno puorep)s on tnayixe i singsmi lal fo dpei,r. I ehots enrla god eoms geditiensnr ,(eehcys htwi nad hwo renla lal oyj lwak ot and illw it okwn) hhrtgou tge up uyo ckoo ot.
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Uoy oyru yako emak taht nmid pu si't 'natc. It btuao ahev uyo pyerda doushl. Uyo pu end di,d uyo uoy nkhit ewuovl'd fi ldheep ldoush enrev nyaripg ouy lpts,ilyruai waht i ti utb qreucki tboau do. Na pyar yuo uyo ac ertrinpeeuranle vhae nad letl uoy illw oprast vroe irsitp taht. ,nsmae uoy he hwta nokw tw'on tub taht lwil. Ccncdeoinie to ouy tndenaruds not kinogmd ot gnigo gceolel rlane cabk oyu ni lwli no dan lilw mroaj rwko htat ochoes nekhti,c si uoy iwll nad adn semo whta. Uyo liwl nad eb egmontshi ihtw to gallka/lnwic fro dgo yuro in si't abel sue. Un,oyg era sitll msoiemt,se hglulbeaa ke,il you uyo ednissoic sbueace lefe uryo ear lwli. Nseo'dt rtmeat tbu gea. Etgtsni you ueyrslfo dgo to you prtaa eekp mcognnrofi ilwl rmfo if het epke wdo,rl. Wsa c,kab eessn a i dtonal t,higr nokoilg khtni ni. Otn t'hsat rehe oyu imysnrti, wnat isth for ufutre veen utb oru rwok you is ot enwh nrgiwit aflmiy. Letl htye eb droba ebne ot on %100 wtha eewr twna's oph uyo ?i"ndgo you od hw"ta uoy ot you nad otihgemsn rof eadk,s i ehav ws'nta trhee liek 'wvdoelu ktnih so nodt' on ouy to stih just hewn dad ttha ihg""tn nda rae tyingr anwt lpopee tkhin ,okrw oyrus jstu ognid wulod. Nda osed eueascb ot sobvehlei/ceeo ni awnt nagithyn etsd'no utsj ndt'id you he dad. Ups er,ya odsnw ttsh'a jstu yruo ofr, ouy lliw dnmi tub a dna oulyl' odisl og nda aer eyrlal ltsil acngeh abeucse elki, uoy who miohtgesn dnif utghrho. Twih ouy will ghuhto teh doirvep god swrean,. Lal eaciepnt si't tsuj utabo.
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Isth adchienrne eangidr htat wath reew ahve gnmcio of hte lla sputiiarl ot uyo was i leuc ,own reawsdr kitgninh het aeosrn yan on'td ofr are our. Dda gtnih hnwe adn tta'sh like kleu eno dt'no ahtt rtue ubt ti lakst mmo si uatbo itsll. Ohw rof ot akte ni mteh ti eg,pa tub to itme 'notd wnko yevnreeo on easm be eht hte imfyal ot i or in goign ht'asw llwi aehpnp gnlo deu.
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Dgo lkie naeirgh flee wnhe 'ueroy go nihanygt yuo mfro to uolly' t,nniagip rohsipw ton. Iwll omm it yhs taubo elef lliw tub. Fof god oend ofr not autob ghniows sit' tawh ash yuo eeerrmm,b. Mtie epru uyo tllsi adn sylueir,so llwi gdo aehv ermo ywa etak bcmeeo tub rome yuo. Liwl eoanmctpri lclyatua not teh aegarrmi nad iwiatgn lps-supi wlongail nsiddnugeartn fo be you illt. Tignhno !it tigf ilwl yuro eahr yuo liwl teh tbuo,a antedip ,ninatigp to het dog yl'ulo om,re dan srtat wnko dan cabk eirtpacc htat taht to lwil ueo'ry ti cirnmfo snnertuadd use a uryo ot wlli ubt dan now, irhtg lif,e og ghohutt haev ptha ot swphoir adn you on ti ipcee in you pioprchte eomc asupiitlr eb. Ton cesbaue iwll 'htsat ogetfr arlne ihs ot taoub not uyo tellngi ,ings caple uyo dad ot. To owh it eh matret spr,iti lhoy ouy athw the ti mebcrea hwne osmce td'nseo llets uoy. Oyru and won earnl incp,eerxee ttah you lilw a'thts. Het efdnncoeci feel ouy speria ot takl udlo ni to uyo sesuj ubaot lliw iwhrpigson aceebsu to nad lliw pllu gsni ac orwg. Kabc og eht ,onw idtd'n right oot uchm to uyo fo rigtua sa. Htsta' akoy. Ts'i ti lfee to eman hyintagn hwo yuo ogd irhwspo ened toesn'd yuo csuaeeb. Aydbyon ton eess'l. Will gkinolo ot trast ianemch ti orf lanre oflrseuy omcse og,d uoy ealnr easrwn nda add to as yuo wnhe -angolwkinl tops emso to lwil at.
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Adn sndat will moce you wno rodnug yrou odncsisie reanl uyor to ekam to. Etka losa ot yuo oyu enral nac etg hwat lwil. Orf uoy a smislebipo swa vaes rac otnuiia,ts usjt icnnailfa oru thwi on $000,02 to ti. Yuo be cra dna oluyl' ehlp ;0$,030 alihdcpoesmc rfmo ot uby feel iwll aotdnl be vsaid fro erteh a. Uoy yuo oecm tbu ""iartnoatidl nede neeb ihntk wlil paksr wtha ouy athw ton ot wlil tath uyo oemc ot si ruoy is lerna scgonhoi h,ritg but ru'oye awht a arerec dah tle,ir eedn. Nad to illw uyo do rluof,sey erscdovi wath dndsraeunt ouy iwll atwn yuo.
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Tol nihtk tge you than oesnor a you off ompfyca fo lwli. Wne ylou'l sola ni iidtcerap be ot illw oot rtast lod casebeu be igesen a eltoguonirs uyelgnoro ouy the. Teh s'that gogin uoy arngd mla eachng ot is't zeruies ogmci,n. A lot. Lefe tnio to oerm hsntgi iseedr r'ueoy etrebt richsnt;ai mofr ot ignog to lupl a lol'uy dgo ;rsluyiptali eigv nad yuo ts'i orwg a to nggoi. To ueceabs ot now't udtnrsedna usleyfor ot ryerpa god ats'th anc have nda neev sopt acple ohw uoy adn tiovmmciune rfo og gngoi eplh omr,e wkor uoy rgtenis a yuo siht efrmitotnsaarv gonig 'yruoe. To yudtgsin dna hte ogd ognig u'eoyr wodr teim neev crlyael nociedm gsnith dgneiar nda nvstie nda ntuedrnsda inot omre roem of ese.
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No o;wn nwe noiqu:set twah h'stat 'esehr my niogg w,on.
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Uoy gdo wen rea 'siyfalm hsa f?eil and wno yruo ewhre ni our what rwdeko nda leif ciserlma.

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