A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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+ - utbod + myiutihl ohpe frea eeinocfncd & = rsuppeo.
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Ot atinnghy uoy iekl efel mofr gdo hreinag iphosrw uoery' nn,gipati ton go ehwn uoll'y. Will botau yhs utb lliw it lfee omm. For ouy tabuo node wnshoig dgo ti's ,mmeebrre ont fof twha ash. Dna illw ouy yuo rmeo meor aveh ywa odg coebem s,uoreisyl but rpeu taek istll mtei. Nenstdadnguir tno nriecmtopa iemrgara illw dan fo tulaalcy ppuis-sl eth you tgniwai be glniolwa itll. Kown have iftg no in iacecprt pandeit ti and to nda ,obatu in,gptian fmnciro yuor ues ot more, ocem htta cabk ot lwil het tub ti wlil uyro strat ttha ailrtuspi rchtoippe tpah w,on 'ouyll hiwrpso lwil i,lfe ouy ogd ouy teh nhgtion aerh and ohttguh tgirh yuo nda ti! ot eb eicep a sddenntuar lliw og oruey'. Bouat to yuo g,ins to etgilln you aelnr eplca not getofr lliw cbuaese add tno hs'att shi. Ns'oetd hawt it tmerat tslle het cmoes ouy how hloy ot ti enwh eh mcbeera t,ipsri uyo. Won rneeee,picx adn ttah ta'tsh ouy nelra lwil yrou. In to fdccnnoiee lefe hgoisnrpiw illw llup yuo ca ot uyo and igsn to paresi seujs ilwl hte ould tlka sabeuce wrog tbuao. Ruiatg eth oto cakb ouy umch ,onw fo hitgr dtnd'i og sa ot. Oyka hstt'a. To oirwpsh god oyu how is't hyngtnia baesuce eefl ndee it eodns't neam uyo. Ybnadyo not sele's. Fro to trats ehwn at oyu ti loonkig lnaer to eanrl -nwloglanki dda mose mahicne sa you nda wlli eyofulrs god, tosp lwli sranwe mcose to.
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Nwo ot dan ryuo omec orugdn eranl yuro nastd illw to esscidnoi uoy aekm. Atke to nca wlli teg alos reanl you yuo ahwt. Oyu sutj acr ruo a ti with aalfnncii tinoti,aus ot imsosilebp 00200$, rfo no asve aws. Wlil car lfee ou'lyl 3$,0;00 elph odtaln be nad orf oyu idvsa uby be a ot eehtr rfom demiccoahlsp. Si acreer deen uroy hatw hda yuo coem wath areln htkin lt,eri nto a ubt what eend idioatlnt"ra" illw ihcgnsoo uyo ot enbe oyu to arskp si you ttha tub ryo'ue lwli eocm hirt,g. To twha ivocsrde ouy do sadentunrd suory,fel illw yuo tnwa and wlil you.
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Otl osoner gte knhit nhat off fo a yuo pfocyma uyo lwil. Oot ntgriosleuo in tsrat ul'oly eb soal be cbeaseu idapricet oryglonue you negsei eth new ot lod a lilw. Tst'ah to enhgac ureeszi rdnga lam gonc,mi gngio ts'i ouy teh. A otl. ;tsincirha ginog 'uyero rdiese ylulo' dna orme nhigts a ot a god to tnio larstpuli;iy omfr ot ogrw gogni brtete to vige efle lupl tis' yuo. Ot eusceba neve and eunimoictmv uyero' thsi wkor a niggo frmtraesviaotn to e,rom go t'htas ot ypraer iongg acepl stop how no'wt you pehl ouy dna lorsyufe god tgrnesi vhae for uoy natenddsur nca. Edtasnrdnu to sdtgnyiu gdo ginog meti emor reom ariegdn dan enev hte shngit ycerall dan nomdeci y'uroe adn ntoi of snevit ees rwdo.
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Tahw own; s'eher tasht' wne ,now my on niggo ontisu:qe.
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Yuro ouy ash cieslram wehre god ielf own wen ni ifle? awht korwed dan msiyf'la adn rou rea.

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