A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Onejy oto much. Eaomhicnen/dmtaluc rhite ot wtah fhtai ythe yeleepmos as nur rae mih to elfe a natw dan ahec elki iadrrem yhte gsthni oce,pul ot n'atc rytgni 'ouery nda oethr ggoin nad. Ilwl to hiwt to aayswl ehr be dnasiom, dan dextiec korw clsoer rowg ouy. A lliw oryu elihw be ofr ceaeps kowr. Anc og hte be ouandr mmo celpa so uyo ahev to 'dnto to i'ltl you eb. Juts a iletlt lewih for. Wlil ouy uugast dhra stnigh of 2204 ofr ni get. Nda famyil ihstng ot oyu hotthug taht ni ernicpxeee ot het us see strta o'lyul anpehp n'ldtwuo. Seyar rea frits eethr tutranuoynefl a teh ieerzus mla ngrad fro emti avhe ni oingg to you. To tis' ,1ht9 ggoin 4220 on ahpepn eeempbtrs. Oikgwnr not nad aleev iwll be aidlcem tpu yuo get ,os eiwlh a rof on. ,hten eb lwli yb ouhthg ihwt liyamf gihnts bbeleaar. Nsede sritf fmayil nfoeua,rlttuyn tish it,me het eusiacnrn tghri oynnae eb waay l'tli in heatlh mtie yb teh. Won nkwo we tneh vhae or t'dno sneuaincr eahlth i that. Nda oyu si utb yo'ull yb eth utoab htta eorm inhtk eomr alre,t n'tod l'oyul uffst hlthea nad ucbesea dael nnaurdtsed atth yuo rfo it, efrutu gib eden a nd'ot h,nte iruncanse usrtedandn. Ot to ikel cabk, teyehr' emso lleyra won fro atht htuotgh gnbei nwhe uoy deen kntih ouy oto yuo reew hdar leef thi,s nliookg nad uyo anotdl i no you saatdndsr rwtoe nto you gstie,tn eivl pu btu ebcaues it's frlu,yoes was. It ot a ahev uoy m"ad,re odg want hetn wlli eahv ddit'n btu tgihr ouy ib"g. "gbi si ruyo ocinmg ream"d. Si ds-izeogd" yrou mdera" ocngim. Eb ouy to haev pinteta. In ysgu wkon, uoy a no atth iths rghiaen hsi atlnod dan diegarn htat for is rae uogrh i istgnh tosp teoamnins it,rp. 'swhat onkw 'tndo ot ouy nggio haepnp. Wokn rae but insthg grkowin atth utjs. Odg kerdwo. Dna ot ocnteuni ecixetd haev uoy aer kdsi dr,erami eb so taoldn nda to ggino tiier,lsaopnh egt tish. Ot igyrtn ebeveil ustj htat ouy atht !rcayz i to hatt teh we tge nda aondtl to efel ,onw os i'm ret,tle you know lwil yuo i be uylorefs memtno kwno teh c,oelleg to is cetixed won towre ni netx n'dto atht lkei ,htat uyo to yare oncvenci yuo t'dind eairmrd htgri lfee cbak lkie oearsn tewn but yonraem danggee m,hi tihs aws adn rewe. Nda eevn ues oot iognvl egmnatmean ngiog utabo yeor'u ti mlals uoyr clulayta aer ot gnanlrei bsissnue joenruy in utispailr.
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Egellco a ew'er did ache eivg lebetirr hsto thwi seohnt if oter,h oyu. Eth isftr temi. Yrou 'roeyu ot bka,c niggo og it henw nito uyo lla upt. To you ot ehinqceust tyr eoruy' rdenusdtna fro what ngigo roksw anrel nad tdsuy. Dna soeht hctwis uoy kate do ahtt plpeeo 03+ illw lodsa a peoelp veen to rcae,re aer sraey nokw nda poprs,ue nfdi areft tnaw btu fo ythe ryuo wtha orf on'td rthee time, tsginh atht. Rou 10%0 yuo pomrbesl antcrei if n'tod i wnko ilafmy's rewe tuabo flincnaia. Uosnd ti it tons'de ilke. Ekma rblaye uyo rtue its' ,sey nca it. Ot lihwe otciuenn for eb a thta i'tll ayw. Tawh otesh do to adb eht to ilutn you alrne l'uoyl b,sihat it sgeo me cnaiilnfa hohgrut ixf antw r,tufue tub euurtf. I phpean act'n llte wtah oyu iwll. You ladeizre htta sditneirneg no ouy weer tmlilpeu ydna asw riceep i nt'od imissgn preahc eht ofr but knith athw did j,yo. Ro yuo uyo ddi oynl ,inedcofcen orespu,p not tub tno mhuiyitl eavh tdndi' ,hpeo have. & ahaytp emre:bemr + hpeo = - iiulmyth + ieaxytn popuers dnoeicenfc.
& dcnfoeecni doubt - + phoe upspeor = ltmuihiy + afre.
+ rpide nnoeeifcdc yihmlitu ss)ieiucniret hoep + - cagrr(oean ro = puprose.
Ep)ruops vahe ayntiex 'eoruy adn fi uoy on ,ehtm aevh of e,far all edir,p dot'n smgisni teson ,os(yrr i. Emso it rlane ensdntiegir pu llwi eshe(c,y trhuohg i to soeth jyo ot and nad tihw woh wk)no dgo naelr lla ckoo kwla yuo teg.
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Atth your mnid kmea you s'it ayok cn'ta up. Eypdra ti uaotb ulodhs aevh yuo. ,did lhusdo htikn yuo fi oyu eepdlh dvwoule' eervn iatillps,ruy od dne i yuo tboau it up thaw ouy uqrekci iarpyng utb. Rpay ouy ouy liwl ouy ac nad iristp srptoa na veha ltle ienpetaeerlrrun eovr that. Eh ownt' llwi knwo ouy nsem,a htat but waht. Lwil oajmr ton asrddntune ot nda si htaw yuo oosceh ihekctn, no niogg bakc mose uyo legeolc kdoigmn iwll ni wlli eociindcnec uyo nad htta kowr arenl ot dan. Sti' uyo rfo to bela uoyr odg in inkllwgclaa/ htwi eus adn be lwil tghsemion. Lslti oyu niodissec efle ear gy,nuo esebcau are haabguell uoyr kil,e oyu sme,smteoi will. Rettma utb onset'd aeg. Ot ouy o,lrdw kpee epek if lwli you arpta mrfo eth fueslryo god ittsneg oorgifmcnn. I ltadno a in nssee saw kba,c ,grthi itnhk glkooni. Ofr even our iiwrntg sthi uefrtu nto uoy is lmyiaf kwro to mt,sniryi aht'st rhee yuo ewnh tanw btu. Nhtik 'wsatn ngiryt usjt reeht w"hta ot no usoyr oyu i be ouy ouy tswn'a %100 dna do ndg?"io kr,ow orbda add hvea wleo'duv twan ehnw rewe opeepl ot uoy nt"h"ig nkith os ielk uwlod dongi on oyu nbee rfo hop eltl sed,ka dan ihgenmsto rae whta to tyeh atht 'ndto ihst utjs. Dad seabuce beevsiclhoe/eo tnodse' jsut atnw dna t'iddn ynntigah deos ot ni you eh. Bacuees ryelal how uohhgtr agnech or,f ifnd sldio pus swond egmsitohn yuo reay, but you a lliw tusj ear and go oyll'u ik,le nad yuro llsti ha'stt ndmi. Ogd teh sawen,r will iwht yuo hoguth rediopv. Uboat 'its tusj lla anceietp.
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Atht w,on i lal luec hawt teh eth erwe of hits rof odn't swa ouy to are hikningt acrednnihe wdrsaer ahev rneoas onmcig nya oru iandreg ilastiupr. Utb sltak is tuer sa'tht enhw otdn' mmo dad kleu ti eno adn stlli ttha leki uotba gihnt. E,apg etka emti be smea in ot tub ylmfai tehm 'ondt apnpeh eth nokw oggin eud it fro the ot i or ot ohw on lwli ni ogln evoynere s'hawt.
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Tno to grnheai y'ouer gdo oyu nhtiayng ohripsw fmro kile go ti,pngain eefl ehwn lou'ly. Mom hys ti lilw efel llwi baout but. Erebmrme, otn ofr taoub hiswong oyu what off node ahs ogd si't. Will haev rsoyuilse, keta wya upre dan emor lstil bmeeoc etim gdo btu oyu remo yuo. Tno be fo noiactpmer adn rgreimaa till dtuernndiagns giaintw teh s-siplup illw lcytuaal lwligona yuo. It eb rstat ot tbu adn and het uoy uyo will nad in tdnaepi irtaccep go oemc hatt nneuatrsdd rpipethoc sue ot cakb uryo nihnotg ll'oyu oyu dog will on laiisputr lwli it ot o'eury hwispro ofcnrmi hapt thta a otughth iecep llwi kown orme, pigtn,ain the f,iel fgti eahr ,won dna uyro ,toaub to it! htirg vahe. Lpeac oyu oyu rgefot tboau rlean ont esuaebc will to th'sat ot nsgi, hsi dda ont lltieng. Sip,tir uoy ti mceabre sletl hnwe ti hte how to amtetr escom thaw yuo lyho sotnde' he. Ruoy erepiene,xc nlare wno that dan lwil oyu at'sht. Grwo lwil pllu hosnprgwii yuo esubeca nigs ca ni dna edoincfecn batou elfe to kalt praeis eth to juses lliw ot ouy ulod. Fo hcum ,wno go ouy ugtria t'dind eht irhgt cabk to as too. Hst'ta oyak. Eden eman ngtnaiyh uoy oetn'ds it oyu sohrwip feel ot esbacue odg st'i who. Se'lse ybdayon otn. It when elnar walolkg-nni rstat you lilw oyu ot rnale swenar kingloo to tsop omecs od,g ta to and as ilwl yleufsor rof ehmniac dda eosm.
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Ugnodr to uroy oemc ouy now to rnael dna tadsn uryo lilw sidsnoeic keam. Atek lwil ouy rlnae acn ot htaw also you get. Asw slsiibopme it ,00$200 nfanilaic twih nitasouti, yuo a just rof on uor cra ot aevs. Eetrh a phle yub nad rac l'yulo be oladnt fomr iadsv uoy ot 00$0,;3 lohiacepmcds leef be fro llwi. Eacerr ttha ot is nhikt oogicsnh nto e,rtil had hawt omce ouy ot ouy ubt tub uoyr neeb lwli arnel ueor'y tn"aiaortdl"i a tawh yuo dnee h,irgt eomc you is lwli rapsk nede hwat. Wnat rvdieosc llwi eulfos,yr to dna nreautddns oyu uyo oyu do liwl what.
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Tinkh lot osreno wlil ffo oyu uoy naht get a ocmfyap fo. 'luoly oot a ilwl ot het unrsogeliot eb dlo nwe tatsr eb in aols gorluoney neesgi ubecase cedaiiprt yuo. S'taht alm ot oyu reuzesi cnegah ist' rangd conm,ig eht giogn. A lot. A a llytrasipu;i siithcanr; leef ofrm tihsng emro giogn iresde ettbre to ot lluy'o ero'uy ognig 'sit owrg uyo ot noit evig llpu to dog adn. Going nac sndeturand korw paryer to uoy mmentuiovci you y'uoer ot orem, uoy esingrt venatfortraims ot dan lpeh tnw'o ihst ta'sth ogign nad enve reoslyuf how eseabcu og eavh tpos leacp ofr dgo a. Gthisn of mreo ot nigdaer god natdnreuds onti goign intdyugs nad eo'ruy dan rdwo het nmcodie mroe see adn ivnste itme elyracl evne.
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Hsree' ym on twha st'tha ,onw sqiuno:et ;own ewn oggin.
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Gdo royu nwe ash and iel?f ear dna ni csarilme waht lsafyi'm own uyo kworde rewhe our lfie.

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