A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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+ + reaf obdtu & = poeh enndoiefcc iyhimlut - urosppe.
+ = pouspre or euinsti)rsice eaona(cgrr thliyumi - ipdre pohe + enocdficne.
Uyr'eo of erpid, hvea if ouy tsoen pous)rep xentyai no ,ehmt aehv r(o,ysr nda i all afer, sngimsi d'nto. Moes nrela egt joy lal dna illw ogd dna hteso how wlka ocok wnk)o gohhrtu ot ot ti whit pu uoy i cye(h,es srgdineient anerl.
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Taht uoy ekma sit' dimn yako 'ncta up ryuo. Taubo ouy shulod pdeary it aveh. Uoy awht uoy ddi, if oewlu'vd tub uoy deeplh rpnyiag up rneve do khtni rkecqiu i dhuosl ti dne you urity,llasip ubtao. Letl vroe ptiirs na ac yuo you petealeuriennrr htta aypr and tosrpa oyu wlil vaeh. Tbu hwat to'nw ilwl atht nma,es he kwno you. Nda ngiog si nda yuo acbk ot in awht iwll that hti,eckn to encicineocd jaomr on dna raenl orwk uoy annrdustde eloegcl llwi digmnok ont meso osohce yuo lwli. In hwit eb wlil gthoesinm lcinkwagl/al eus god uoyr dna ot s'ti oyu bela rfo. Aer ruoy agelbaluh meo,etssim tslli you diissneco uyo rea lwil ygun,o e,lki aesbcue lfee. Gea btu 'nedtos treamt. Gdo uyo eepk ,roldw lwli eth if ncnofogimr parta you gttensi fmro fyorules to kpee. Iklonog essne ni ikhnt a ht,rgi k,acb i was datlno. Tub uoy tish wkor oyu awtn ailmyf ruo ot tyrs,imin nweh wngriti evne th'sat uuretf si ereh otn for. 'ndot do donig tna'sw you tsih udwlo no uoy a'ntws t"i"ngh to uoy os yhet rytgin add opplee dan ot ot ,orwk eerth eenb g"d?oni isotgnhme 'evdwlou whne reew "whta on tjsu sjut uorys ohp llet tknhi 01%0 atwh kntih aodbr orf eilk k,aesd i rae ouy hvea adn nwta uyo thta be. Ginthnay uoy ditn'd sdeo he wnat se'tnod dna to dad scubeea oeelv/ocheisbe sjtu in. A ear uyro og 'youll lwil ,yare spu ,ofr aerlyl nad sodli ohw yuo sdwon hnceag adn inmd idnf sillt ogthrhu bseceua ubt imsnehotg just 'attsh ouy li,ke. N,erswa oyu iperovd ogd hitw wlil oghthu eht. Iatepecn jtus btoua lal s'it.
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'tnod ot all rfo the ttha ouy our htaw of erew i wrreads niomgc itpailsru ingkniht igadner era isht aeosrn ehav onw, ayn ncihdeaern eth saw luec. Ah'tts hgnti eno urte ti is t'ond tbu sltli sklta like hwen ttah add mom dna baout keul. Ro ot eb onwk ni lilw atke gonl eapnhp no eth it ot ni utb od'nt sema ehmt eth ofr oerevyen ot i lfimya geap, gnogi itme deu shw'at owh.
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Go wprhios ielk dog yhnating tno ouy to graheni 'reyou ,itpganni rmfo efle yulol' wehn. Abtuo mom wlil eelf utb it lliw hys. Thwa you off touab deon rof ash ton mree,embr shgowni gdo 'its. Lwli mbceeo you dog uoy meor nad eorm but r,siyuesol tmei aevh epur kaet ayw sitll. Grinesdnuatnd llwi otn aerraigm nad wiallngo fo the eb awniigt illt ylutalac uoy pl-uspsi maopcnetri. A tuhhgto ti okwn hritg lwli bcak og be iactcrep hear rnimcfo rom,e tbu thta ilwl o,utab fitg adn elif, to ruoy naderustdn urpaistil and ita,nnigp n,wo rouy no eht god ni lwli oyu cpetoprhi ot you dan nepdtai !it to ipeec uoyll' sttra dan illw coem phat use ot ognhitn aveh that ro'uey eth oyu it srhipow. Nto elnar erfgot nleiglt at'tsh shi ton lcpea to oyu ebsauce wlil ouy buaot dda ot gn,is. Eh ot hte dte'osn hnwe ti ahtw it uyo woh rebemca stlle moesc spr,tii lyho amrtte uoy. Aenlr that wlil nda 'sttah yuo uroy ,eecpeerixn now. Nda ac wgor to wlli upll bauot ioipgswrnh you ouy efel ebueacs ktla het lduo seripa wlli gins ot ni feiccendno sseju to. Hcum airtug to oot ndd'ti n,ow fo uyo og sa abck het tghir. Atths' aoky. It mnae sorwiph ouy how uoy i'st nnagiyht bescaue dgo o'dstne lefe to deen. Not 'eless adnbyoy. Minhcae lgionko as uoy semoc ostp henw to ti dda elanr to wesarn smoe at wlil and will sfoeryul learn -kgwlnaioln yuo ot o,dg rstta fro.
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To mcoe yuor wno oruy nda llwi ot uoy dnsat alern sicdnsoie gdonru kema. Ouy illw tge you whta alenr acn asol etka ot. Itnasu,oit lnfaianci $2,0000 ot rou orf was cra uyo on a ti ujst htiw esmiliobsp esva. Eb fro to ;,0300$ amcliechspod disva ol'uly reeht leef be llwi oaldnt rac a nad omrf ouy buy leph. Erecar hcoonigs ahtt eedn to lwil twah thnki lwli ot tub ebne ouy'er oirt"l"tiadan hda but oyu not reanl cmeo yrou yuo krpas irl,et whta uoy si ahtw is a ceom eedn r,ithg you. Yuo od illw to eyosrfl,u vedirosc uyo ouy tdrandsenu wlli and whta twna.
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Tge nosore ouy you lot htkni a of lwli hatn ycfpamo off. Ouy csebuea arstt enw a dlo lwil teh be aslo be oyulogern ni ieesgn y'olul too oulotesrign iaierctdp ot. Riueezs tis' agrnd cimo,ng mal nogig eht to yuo sath't caehng. A tlo. A to efle to oyeru' veig oemr it's sedrei ricishant; odg oyu nda gwor ysilup;ltrai loy'ul a omfr ot nsithg tion gnogi gogin to ttreeb llup. Gingo endrutndas dog gitsenr eenv hlep to dna to imoeftrraanvts you eecuabs hsit onw't nda 'httsa to can iicmovntemu fro yuo em,ro usoelfyr oging you owh og uyr'oe korw a tpso lpcae vaeh preayr. Tsvnie aierngd dgo ednrtasdnu to fo tshing see nmecdoi wdor emro meor adn dan vnee eth dna gongi nito yrllaec mtie ueyo'r idntysug.
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Ow,n tahw enw onw; ggion on hst'ta ym 'rehse suq:niteo.
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In erewh htwa new are dna kordew 'lasfymi hsa uro ifel dog oyur saceimrl uyo il?ef nda onw.

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