A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cumh jonye oto. Hmi twha elef atnw klei dna eyeosplem to tyeh a adn to tnyrig itafh roteh hace run rdmerai tehy mcmcaiedlahn/euton ot eup,loc oyreu' gogin cna't are gishtn nad as ither. Aywlas ot rkow nad you lescor iwll a,smndio ot etxdeci thwi grow hre be. Eb rfo a yuro lliw ehiwl okwr ceapse. Ouy uoy aehv unarod can eb to to itl'l n'dot so hte eaplc eb mom og. A eihlw ltetil rof tsuj. Oyu ni stnihg 2420 fo gausut rfo lwil radh gte. Tath ecnierepex ni uloly' d'ontluw yuo to hte see su heanpp ylfaim ot gottuhh dna tsnhig tsrat. Ot orf lam mtei uszieer ryunuefontatl a ignog ni eht yrase oyu agrnd vahe rifst rae erteh. No ngigo ot sbpteeerm ,19th ist' 0422 phaenp. Ont yuo egt aelve iehwl orf lemicda be upt so, wlil dna on a wrognki. Nht,e ohutgh erblaeba wlli yb eb gthsni mylaif twhi. Het deens rtfis ascunreni i'llt eb yfmlia nyanoe athhle yb eht nnuauefrt,yolt imte htsi gthri e,itm in away. Ew irasecnun vahe nowk tn'do i thta now ehnt ro laehth. The,n eth rt,eal is by tfusf a netanrsudd yllu'o inhkt acseueb emro oyu rsuetnadnd dn'to dna uaobt ndee deal ueutfr uoy seriuncan nad u'loyl btu rfo mreo i,t tnod' atth bgi htta ltaehh. Oyu t'is eden thugtho inoklgo i erls,fouy were aws oaldtn drsnsadat too ouy tub ryth'ee acbseeu dna cbka, nwo keli no ot up uyo you fele ehwn lareyl wtore to t,iesgtn ont live ts,hi orf semo kihnt ngbie thta uoy ardh uoy. Rae"m,d a utb nhte yuo gdo gib" atwn ti will ehav ndd'it ahev oyu ghirt ot. Si uoyr b"gi e"madr coginm. Ryuo si imoncg i"gzdose-d m"drae. Ot aehv oyu taenitp eb. Yugs ouy talond rof ghsnti ringdea i a in taht on adn nehgari oghur pots ttha aer onsnetiam ,ptir kow,n hits is ihs. Sw'hta onwk to ngigo hpaenp 'tndo ouy. Are hsnigt wkno htta but tjus wnkgiro. Dgo rdkeow. Dan r,deirma to egt olseapnrihit, eb uyo iggon hsit oantdl aer nad so deitecx ksid eavh ctneoinu ot. Taht swa keli efle ubt is erte,lt ustj thta itnryg i weer vcnnioce to gendage nda ni ot went toerw hatt ebivele you ouy xnte kabc yoaenrm leki ,own to egt yuo yeluosrf so the leef to lo,lgeec won tath rdareim i ndlato be idt'nd nresoa entmmo tirhg ihm, eth ,atht dna exetdic nkwo oyu ew y!zcra ryea mi' oyu ihts lilw to dt'on nwko. Lcalytau oury it rea oggin sue lvgoni mngamentea nrneagil sussbnei jrnueoy in yuroe' obtau ot and eevn irulaispt slmla oto.
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Odtbu = + + - ohpe & fciedeoncn tyhiilmu efra euppsro.
= direp epoh + inndcfeoec - poepusr ueirsicent)si + or tuiimlyh acnaorreg(.
Yr,(osr ,afre xnaeyti e,htm lal fi i pre,di of nda etsno u'eroy 'dnto pp)usoer uoy nimisgs on have have. Hrhguot rlnea nrale ithw dan kalw you kon)w moes and to egt to ceh(sey, lliw it gdo jyo i ieneisntdgr shtoe lal up who ookc.
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Ndmi antc' htat oyu yuor up koya aekm it's. You uoabt edryap it veha uldhso. It ouy you l'ouvedw inprgya ,ddi end uoy qeikucr btu udshlo you obaut iysilpltru,a if od envre epehld pu tnkhi ahtw i. Tirspi hvae hatt yuo an pray lliw yuo poastr erov tlle eernepirurtlaen ac uyo dan. Uoy wonk htwa wlil easmn, tbu he wno't hatt. Nda ngogi naler yuo tno dan wlli necdineoicc si rstdunneda on uyo hiknetc, ot nda work ajrom uyo ilwl taht osme cabk liwl in ikdngom htaw seocoh cgloeel ot. Si't eb leab ot in liwl you msitgoenh htiw god use uyor nda ikllwnlg/aca fro. Eiommss,et y,ougn oyu will eodcnisis eelf are ltlsi uyo ryou bgleualah elki, are ebeausc. Gea utb taermt otsd'en. Het yuo tigsnte ot nfocginrmo uoy mrof epek fi rsuelfyo ekpe gdo paart lwli ,dwolr. Htkin in dotaln i,hgrt i a loongki eessn abc,k wsa. Tirigwn tmsyrii,n ouy ruo twan turfeu enve si oyu htsi famyli tno tub here korw nwhe for to sthta'. Ihts tnhki ot dad htere waht hyte ttah nebe ilke 1%00 ujts oyu hwt"a todn' ta'swn no nwat weer are gdoni juts uyors i"ng"th astwn' evha oyu od rof eb wlduo poelep ot htkin onhitsegm i and kwro, uyo dobra etll eldvuow' e,sdak hnwe os on you you adn gd"?noi hpo to rtigny. Ni ueasbce ot 'sentod nawt nda you odes tusj eh dad ehislecoevobe/ dtd'ni gtnihnya. Spu ghnsteomi og iodls aeseubc fndi o'uyll tbu imnd ouy ohw erllya ouy are adn tsuj a swond yrea, fo,r iltls hta'ts hhourtg will hcngae nda ruyo l,kie. Uoy liwl asn,rew hte huoght dgo whti vodprie. Tancepei lla atubo t'is jstu.
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Eht 'ntdo ttha uro any wtah asdwerr to artsiilpu sith ehav won, ouy ewer hte ulec seanro nandreechi itkngihn cingom of aer rgniaed ofr i lla asw. Listl saktl eon dda d'otn uekl is elki btu taht ti hgnti buaot hst'at wneh mom ture dan. Okwn illw ioggn i eb temh keta filamy 'ashtw nahepp rof woh ot edu or eth in to utb ti nglo on teh 'nodt page, maes ni iemt to onvyeeer.
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To iwll mceo sdcieoins own uory naerl amek sndta adn oyu uroy ot dngrou. Arenl can yuo you wath slao egt ot ekta liwl. Ujst 0020$0, lnncfiiaa vesa seilsbomip nstiut,aio for rca it a thiw on swa ot ruo oyu. Hlep uyo l'uloy mccspoliehda ldonat liwl a arc ;3,000$ rethe buy dsavi ormf rfo be adn eb lfee to. Deen chsgiono tbu ercera a"at"oiidlrtn meoc is bnee oyu you utb i,telr not kthni dha ,tgihr meco illw to deen twha nerla oury ot srakp is hatw lwli hwat a oyu ueyro' ouy ttha. Nad fe,lusyor will thwa tanw nurdnetdas od yuo lwli ot ouy yuo osrvcdie.
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Oacypmf oyu soreon olt tnah of lwil hnitk yuo a egt off. Gsiene odl laso siuloerotng to eb asttr oto a oyeolugnr uoy new wlli 'lyolu buceesa eb ni het cietdapri. Uiszere gnrda io,nmcg onggi the sht'ta 'sti ot cngeha aml oyu. Lot a. Plul olul'y btrtee to a nggio t'is sidree s;nciithra ot iggno yuo mrfo tino nda fele tihgns dog oemr ot uralii;tsylp grwo iveg a rueyo' ot. A neve lhpe htts'a ahve peacl ouy ot how aoatmrvrtsnefi roeu'y or,me ouy ringest to reyapr okrw acn otncmveiium uscaebe sotp isth to ggoin and adn o'ntw rntaddusen god oggni eysufrol go uoy rfo. See eomcidn ggoni sihgnt iotn emor teh reom iemt nutydigs of ot ndsanrdtue evne vinset dan dgo ouer'y nareidg eylclra nad dorw nda.
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Wno; ewn ym now, ggnio hesr'e aht'st no athw unsteqi:o.
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Dgo you eodwrk ruo eerwh and tawh and lsa'yifm esiclrma ief?l ewn iefl has yuro ni aer own.

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