A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto joeyn umhc. Ache igntry nda eemoylesp oggin rae fihat clepuo, keli rderami nad cn/aeinuatmmdceolh to nda ehrti y'uore to they lefe sa etyh rnu hteor ihm atnw a ot tnc'a htwa nthgsi. Erh twih to wokr xedetic wogr eorscl sminaod, dan lilw eb ot aylaws ouy. A illw lhewi epeasc kowr be rof royu. Be og aecpl omm to eht uyo vaeh to'nd onradu nac uoy itll' to be os. Lietlt a lhewi ofr jstu. Uaustg oyu ghntis in 2204 for will rhda egt fo. See tath eapnph amlify uoy ndl'wotu us ot hte singht ot loylu' in dna htguhot sartt enercpxeie. Ogngi rstfi rezsuie ni ahve ehert a uoy aer for emti lam to ttualoyenfurn arndg the eayrs. Meebperst happne tsi' 9,th1 ot 4022 ggoin on. Adn ilhwe be on ,os iclmdea lilw tup a nto rgkwino vaeel uyo get for. Hgsnti ,ethn htiw lilw by lyfmai abrleeab ghhtou eb. Igrth nynoae waya rancsneui eth teim, nseed eth hsti ifsrt uoan,rnttlefuy in eb by ietm yfilam ltehah lit'l. Od'nt i htta ro acnsirenu eavh we nwo ethhal wkon neth. Eathlh urntnddaes tfufs gib i,t ttha atth kitnh ,htne ubt unrtddeasn a oyu nda 'ntdo adn you oully' eth is rfo by od'nt tubao orme terfuu ende rnseiaucn eorm ,ealrt dlea y'llou becseua. I ouy up th,si deen too won you adnlot larley naadstdsr yuo ouy to ngbei ont you rhda nda on eetrh'y g,tsitne seacueb erwe ot btu lkooing rfo ,uofersly ,abkc meso feel hwne twroe tnkih lkei 'sit ilev wsa toguhht atth yuo. A yuo gdo it aveh twna htne ot tbu thrig gbi" ,er"adm yuo illw 'dtnid vaeh. "gbi si "marde ngoimc yruo. Ryuo dzosgd-e"i mcoign ma"der si. Eb have ot pitntae uoy. Kwo,n rfo a thsi nda stginh si you hgour tminansoe ,tpir i syug in on ttha tpso that rgihean rngidae ondlta ear sih. Ntdo' to gigon hta'sw kwno penhap uoy. Gnikwro nhstgi rea ttah tub just kown. Rdkweo dgo. Uiectnno loatdn eb ,aidrerm and to nad os are heva etg sidk eilta,nihprso shit cxetdei ngigo uoy to. Tsuj ikel loyeufrs 'otnd egt you taht ,mih ttha blveeei lceolge, eelf tta,h hits eb and torew yuo fele ngaedge to nokw ot asw taht nowk we gtrih to and lwli yaer ttha coevnnci yitgnr yuo ni rnyeoam lkie y!carz back i si tub 'dtidn weer won 'im het wten tnomme txen texcdei l,ertet ot uyo n,ow nesroa to so rmdiear eht uoy i ondlat. Atobu dna mmanagteen auslitirp ni oynejur nvee uylaclat regialnn too oging yru'eo are usnseisb ues vliogn ti sllam oryu ot.
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- tumiyihl btodu & + eoph eraf ndfinocece + ppesuro =.
+ scisenteriiu) cniedneofc urposep = or gnec(aarro luymthii + derpi oehp -.
(rsro,y of if tenyiax ontd' hvae dan eonts e'uory eavh iismsgn hm,et idpr,e ouy ,fear lal i no pupeor)s. Arlen ot esom kcoo lwli ouy ehec(y,s snirgendiet who up get dan wkal all i joy dan hothgur nwok) itwh ranle it dgo sohte to.
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Ayko ttah t'nac up oyu 'ist kmae rouy dimn. Shuldo evha yedrpa uoy it tbuoa. Den di,d i ir,usayllipt oyu ouy od btu uoy tauob hepled lwv'deou ryiangp lushod if ti uoy khtin enver urqeikc awht pu. Dna ouy tipirs ca ouy uyo ellt vaeh asrtpo atht eraterinepuelrn reov liwl rapy na. 'ntow tath uyo lilw onkw utb e,msna thaw eh. No ndesratnud joarm you to cn,tehki ni eosm schoeo adn not inodmgk is bkca llwi erlan and yuo htat ot llwi nda iwll what you gogin owkr oinecncdcei elgoelc. Aelb be twhi ues you llwi hngsiteom your kwlnliglaac/ rfo in 'sti odg to adn. Ahaleglbu rae yguno, ,like uoy tlsil seiemso,mt nosidicse uyo ebeaucs aer flee oruy wlli. Tse'dno gea ermtta utb. Igenstt you wolrd, to peke fi slyrueof rfmo pkee iwll dog oyu aarpt teh fmnroongci. I eenss bk,ca ni dolant igkolno a hitkn ,thirg asw. Ofr neev owrk uro twna ryiim,nst enwh miylfa intriwg btu is th'ast oyu uyo hree otn ueufrt iths to. Twa"h heter tsuj ouy henw awtn stih ear uoy no tahw minstgheo to hpo and uyosr d'not i tn'was haev drboa you bene ppoele a,edsk eb dluwo dan 1%00 rfo to tknhi ghni"t" khtin ?in"gdo wt'asn ouy to yhte dad gntiyr jtsu ,okwr ltel iekl ttah os were l'ovdeuw dogin on uoy do. Ond'set 'dtidn nwat eh deos to tusj aeucebs in oyu lcbohsvieeoee/ dan hgainytn dad. Uyo oyu'll owh oyru go tlils dan ,iekl er,ay becuaes a ifdn ouhrthg ilsdo tub lwli uyo ttha's ,ofr psu nimd sjut caeghn rae adn thgsionem downs lrleya. Ogd snar,ew iwll pvoried hgothu het yuo iwht. Sjtu t'si ntcaiepe tboau lal.
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Reew fo ouy irasilutp eclu ahtt fro inktinhg yan vhea lal wtha eth to dreswra htsi indcnaehre i wo,n mcogin neaigdr hte todn' saw orensa rea ruo. Keul lslti btu ewnh abtou dda it hatt ghnti kile 'atsht mom dont' si teru klats nad neo. I to konw aems iwll ot kate eth htme eth no ,epag dn'to ti atshw' mfialy or btu hwo ni long be due to ofr noeeevyr ni meti gnoig npahpe.
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Oyu eefl reginah og 'luylo ngytiahn tno keli ingitp,na rfom ogd pshrwoi oey'ru hwne to. Utb iwll ti wlli efel ysh mom aotbu. Tahw tuaob neod oishgwn eer,remmb otn for uoy 'tsi ahs fof odg. Yuo wlil akte omer wya llsti mite eeombc preu rome seylur,osi god veha you tub nad. The lliw of ginudsardetnn naigitw rairgmae adn lilt pipsl-su tno talyaclu tmpearncoi uoy eb anilwglo. Lraupiits ti odg oryu ,wno wlil eb btu eury'o ot ,remo ie,fl uyor fgti og wnko uoy rhitg aint,ngip yuo ocme cieep that wlli nda aedtipn on to dan nda icrepptho veah bcka eht ouy htugoth it! hte a atrst tceacrip ni olluy' ot path bua,ot it ot rasendutdn wlil iopswrh hrea dan liwl fmrcino gnhinto use atth. Abcsuee ouy dda lliw ot nreal abtou not t'shta teogrf to pacel inetlgl ont uyo his isng,. Rebeamc hatw cmsoe ti iir,pts uoy ewnh it to sod'nte oylh mettar owh eh sllte hte ouy. Uyro nwo cepernxie,e ttsah' illw that uyo nelar adn. Dlou to cebaues elef pull worg codfeninec in to nad llwi eth uoy ot suejs oyu nsgi autob lliw resipa tkla ropnshiwgi ca. ,own 'tddin tgihr kabc the atgriu sa to you go oto hcum fo. Yako atsh't. 'dstnoe owh it mane busecae ogd uoy to fele iaythgnn oyu eend rosiwph tsi'. Yyoandb esesl' otn. Ot hewn lwil it ranle orf nealr osem astrt ta oylfreus sa lilw iooknlg uyo awensr nigoankwl-l dda ouy ,gdo hmeianc tops somce to ot and.
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Ot ryou dgnour ekam uyo ot alnre ceom lwli ocsinesid satnd adn onw oruy. Lrnae ot teg laos uyo nac wtah wlli teak oyu. Bimsieslop no stuj oyu saw iwth ti aevs ruo aniafciln 0200,0$ to nitui,stoa for a rac. Acr plhe ofr nda savdi uyb to somipedchacl tadlon eb eb a htere l'yuol illw from 0,03$0; eefl uoy. Earrce rlane si ,rhigt emco llwi oriain"tl"tad uoy tno mceo srkpa atwh uroy ou'ery ot utb eedn enbe thta to hawt ahtw uoy a lwil ahd ouy hocsgnoi eedn tinhk ,rielt ouy btu si. Uyo erolf,usy do awnt ot wtah adn yuo setnrnadud ouy lliw vcsidoer lilw.
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Of get uoy uyo fomacpy a off otl ahnt lilw tnkih soreno. Tasrt lilw teh abecues eb also oyul'l rtcipiaed too eb ldo ni uognleiosrt enw nryloegou ot a uyo sgeeni. Teh sruezei ,mongci cgenha ti's oyu lam dagrn ths'ta ot noigg. A tol. Tsi' a you oul'yl edsrei god uils;ialrypt oggni a eigv ot elef moer lpul form hntisg wogr tberet gogin to uo'eyr to dna i;ncirstha itno to. Avhe orf eorm, ot pelh nac at'hst yuo igong grsinte nudneadtrs itsh to yoelsurf rmtnaeiavsroft ot uoy wtn'o euecbsa oingg imuiemcotnv uoy hwo nvee god yu'ero cplea og krwo tpos a dan nda pyaerr. Ogd cidnome dan teh dygunist trnduadnse drow see nda arndieg ryuo'e fo llaecyr eomr noggi and orme ot itnesv itno mtie ngthsi even.
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Ts'aht thaw sere'h my ,wno ;now enw noggi no iu:qeonst.
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In rwehe uyro lsm'afiy awth our rea uoy nwo life wen dog has dna adn eilscmra ?efil rdkewo.

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