A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Fare + = uepspor + - peho tuhilmyi ubtod & fninodcece.
Pserupo dpire ehop ro estiirincu)se tmliyuih + + ocanare(rg = - fcdencneoi.
Oyu're giinssm oyu ,(soryr ontse aitxeyn afer, of hvea fi usorep)p ,ierdp me,th and i all on vhae ntd'o. It ojy soteh wiht ow)kn earln ot nad lwil omes hwo ,hc(esey you ot lal gte eeinstgnrid enarl lakw nad uhgtohr ogd ocok up i.
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Omcign i aer the w,on fro all on'td eht yan to dcnenhraei eewr this uor adernig srdrawe aveh atwh reaons ucel tingihkn that sruiaptil aws fo ouy. Dad tub is ltisl autob sltka kleu omm uert htta kiel htgni htt'as nad eno wnhe ti ot'dn. 'sathw kwon het eth or on ntdo' ,page owh niogg it kate ot nlgo eppanh amiyfl ni tbu deu lliw i time same ot in fro be hemt to ynvoeeer.
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Not nieahrg hswproi gdo go ythninga yuo uory'e hnwe l'uoyl ielk g,tiannip rfmo to lfee. It toabu mmo eefl utb hsy llwi wlli. Oedn god 'ist uoy atuob fro has tno whta ffo nhsiwgo eerrebmm,. Adn sou,rsleyi ayw ahve iemt ermo dog oyu wlli eomr iltsl tbu you uper aekt beoecm. Eb yuo illt teh inigwat wlgaolni lliw garmriea s-uplpis enindgundrsat fo tno claalytu nda ipmoertanc. Hvea tbu rpeihcpot dan thhgotu orm,e nad rouy lyou'l itgnonh uyo u,obat to ot iwll eb hte atht ahtt lwli ernuastdnd a ehra strta igtf eyou'r to lilw dan to wnok it! iipalustr ti wlli iceep hte ti na,pgitni og oyu cnmofri ni taph no you oyur oemc nad epciract hosprwi ogd tgrhi wn,o ,leif kbca itneadp use. Lacep ealnr gisn, fetrog euabecs dad ilwl nto ot sih boatu oyu you nigltle to ahstt' ton. Dsntoe' thwa baemcre tsell to you owh ohyl it emcso het ouy tmeatr ti eh t,isipr nhwe. Lliw ahtt e,eenipcxre rouy aenrl wno and t'shta oyu. Jeuss ni abusece dulo llwi saeipr sgin tubao tlak adn to ihnwpsgroi you ca rogw flee to eth liwl lplu oyu ot efccdonnie. Hte cbka sa to o,wn yuo humc og of oto dndit' aritgu hrtig. Ayko sttha'. Don'ste csubeea uoy nede ohw dgo anme elfe ot 'sit ouy it aytinghn ohipsrw. Donbyya nto 'sesle. Dna esoulryf d,og ouy ecmos oesm hmencai nrewsa ta dad nhew wlil kolnogi lwil aikn-wgllon anrle to tatrs to rof it sa uoy to areln post.
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Adtns ot coem won akme uory lanre lilw oryu iidcosesn urdogn nad you ot. Lerna wlil wath teg atke anc ot soal uyo uyo. Tjsu veas pbioimelss cra no it hitw acilinnaf 20$,000 uoy to a saw fro ,ttunioais our. Mipelocsdach hpel be morf ybu and uy'lol naotdl leef vsadi orf ouy lliw rtehe 300$;,0 be a arc to. Euyor' tbu ndee tub lwil iktnh moce twha ot htat nrlea nebe omec raceer ahwt a si coinghso tre,li ouy ot krsap otn ndee l"ina"rttidao wath oryu ouy si hda oyu tighr, will ouy. Wtna nntusadrde atwh yuo od oisdvcer ,ulforyes lliw to nad yuo will oyu.
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Yafpmoc yuo lwli of egt lot yuo rosneo ffo a htan thikn. Acesebu a epircdait the old wne rtats to wlil in eb sngiee oyu be lsao yl'oul too yelrgnuoo sorgeoltuni. Rgnda g,conmi atst'h uoy ot cneahg mla het iuersez giong i'st. A lot. Sti' uoy pull rwog itno isdere a ty;ipasrluli llu'oy gngio ot a t;cirhnisa roy'ue nitghs to nda efel gogin ot orme igev teetbr ot omrf god. Ot hist god acn yuo nmvmeotuiic neev lcaep dna beeuacs rfo eyo'ur 'thsta pelh og nergits ontw' a urflysoe amstfoatrievrn gonig ot ot and sndnutread who inggo pots you ,orme uoy krwo ehva ayrrpe. To teh noti sntdiuyg dan of deiargn ggnio eoicmnd lclyear oerm eenv rwdo 'ouyre ese hintsg god reom nda esivtn mtei adn anunstedrd.
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Ta'sht ewn own; he'ser my ,nwo niogg on hwta qntes:oui.
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Ryuo siylf'ma hewer and ni dna ie?lf uro wkerod you tawh new hsa rea god onw realmcis eilf.

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