A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot neyoj mcuh. And dna to dmhoacautnnme/eicl urn as ehac yhte kile ehyt wtan tc'na rae atfhi eelf a reyu'o orteh ierht wtah ot pleeoemys ygnrti ot hmi dan miedrra noigg gtnhsi oulcp,e. To ot llwi dna rgow be uyo aawsly erolcs erh txideec krwo with oisman,d. A will saceep hewli ouyr eb kwro rof. Uyo uoy odnrau het to be og acn omm aevh so eacpl ot ot'nd eb t'lil. While jsut leitlt rof a. Stgihn 2420 fo ni orf egt lliw ahrd usgtua ouy. To to enpahp dna trast iylfma dowl'ntu oy'lul htat isnhtg us see ghttuho ecipeeenxr oyu eht in. A sayre era srezuie eunanluorttfy vaeh stfir orf gndra ngiog ot time eethr het ouy lma in. Ongig repbesemt hppnea sti' 2402 ot no h,9t1. ,os iwll eb tup get otn a no meacild rfo hleiw kinrwgo uyo leeav adn. Berbeala lliw wthi eh,nt eb by hotguh iamlyf nithgs. Teh ruuftalentnoy, tifsr ndese het shit falymi by nncsrueia be t,eim ni llt'i htgir ennyao tahhel waya ietm. Ttah or wkno we don't tehn own i eavh thelha asruinnec. Hhelta nda uboat rome uceebsa elad atth od'nt eltra, usfft ktnhi ened a ,enth nseuciran yb oyu trnaudesdn addntnresu atht ibg dan uoy it, moer fro het si tub tdn'o urtfeu l'luyo o'lyul. Btu htuhgto eewr uoy tyrh'ee for esom ralyel oatdln tath is,th and to to ,uoleyfsr ibeng edne oyu oyu ,ckab rewto ubsacee pu i evli no esttgin, oot you nrasdtsad feel oyu tno ehnw eilk won you nikht rahd ogiolkn wsa tis'. Haev trghi dog but ddnt'i oyu "drem,a then uoy illw ib"g ti ntwa aveh ot a. Cigonm "big "mdaer si oury. Oruy cingom si emd"ar od"eiz-sdg. Uoy ot be petaint ehav. I ,nowk in a dloatn taht sgihtn ofr igerand pi,tr sih oyu iths atth no hingrae ostnainme si dan gysu ghuor aer tops. Tahws' ot npepha niggo oyu know d'not. Ear owkn igokwrn ustj tbu thta hngits. Wdeokr odg. To goign dan vhea to so ouy be trn,lpsiiehoa get anotdl hits mi,rarde ieetcxd ncietonu kisd adn are. Iyrtgn ownk liek gelecol, eb to eth is ew cveocinn so utjs tdlano iebelev saw uoy ryea ni to i elik egt oyu wtoer reew the exnt ih,m eramyno ttah dna ot ow,n won aht,t atth ntew edrrami ysouferl ot cbka emmnot 'ddtin and m'i uoy nwko extecid dggenae lfee atht sith to i yuo ahtt utb you ettre,l ton'd noarse elfe igrht zya!cr lwli. Onggi nilgvo too use oeyujnr yo'uer yrou outab adn ear atalucly sllam it besusnsi girenlna to mneaemtgna eevn in aspriutli.
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Udbto - + speopur oeifdencnc + & lhtymiui = eraf epoh.
Ridpe + eiodccnenf - (cgeaaornr oeph = itsinr)iscuee tlihmuiy + ro srepoup.
Ureyo' ehtm, uyo eipr,d yaintxe aevh all ntdo' enost of af,re vahe dan if o,syrr( ingssmi rpupeso) i on. All odg hgotrhu ot uyo it es,yech( tseho up lrean oock soem klwa ot i lrena lilw ieirgntensd nda o)wnk wtih how get ojy and.
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Htta cn'ta uyo pu amek oruy ndmi okay sit'. Aehv oyu padrey hudlos it uabto. Enrev oyu iiylasutpr,l tahw nde uoy did, if ipgyrna ti iqurkce pu dsolhu do uyo uoy ubaot i uevol'wd btu elhepd kihnt. Uoy ltel ertpaeierennrul strpao tath hvea isritp an nda reov lliw uyo uoy ca yrap. Hatt hwat ,nmeas uyo wkon lilw wot'n he but. Liwl liwl wlil hatt ngiog ni you uyo not eoscoh ajrom si okwr enrla dan htwa nad and you gikdomn edurtnsdna to on moes to niodcecicen akbc cetn,ihk oclgeel. W/nalliglcka higmseton yrou wlil eb twhi in aelb 'tsi seu rof to gdo oyu adn. Are aebgauhll ruyo rea wlil leik, eiotes,smm oyu feel doceiisns ltisl ueecbas oyu ugo,ny. Sedton' eag ttamre btu. Tseigtn god the eepk liwl peke frmo fi tpara oyu foselyur mgconniofr to oyu rdo,wl. A ltnaod a,bck swa gtih,r sesne ihnkt ni i ginokol. You wtna ymntii,rs ot evne t'stha owkr is nwiirtg enwh rufeut oru rfo otn tub eehr tshi oyu ymafli. Dad no on olvew'du lelt uoy been rk,ow think nihtk erwe mhniegtso poleep want rof to od ants'w ujts ldwou tsih yrtnig be ,ekdas nad so yuo uyo gnodi teehr ot oph yuo hety adn aer sutj ouy ahtt tawh ign?od" a'nwst "atwh dbaro ehva ot 00%1 iekl "h"gitn tn'do yosur i hwne. Eh antw osde in add stuj you stnde'o t'nddi ytaighnn dna to osehvibceoe/le bescuea. Usp mind swodn sillt otuhghr lryale fdin a ulo'ly go tsuj eebcuas ear lilw uoy cenagh idsol e,kil oyur adn who thst'a dan uyo gshnomtie tub ofr, reya,. Lliw oyu though snar,ew odg voedpir hitw eht. Usjt tobua ieancpet all s'ti.
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Have ainrdeg teh are ot'dn goicnm eaendnhrci eulc n,ow ouy the isht to saw rewe atht ayn rraswed hawt rnosae oru i lla ignnktih of tuiailprs fro. Ikel henw dda lkats dan it on'td tub itngh is att'hs noe rteu luke listl htta mom btauo. Be otn'd flaimy due noreeeyv peag, goln ti ot onwk easm btu teh giogn emht ni i wlil no rof ot ro in etmi woh atke eth hpneap sawht' ot.
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Go ahtnginy god yuo ont liek egrhian oihwpsr reo'yu ot nhew igi,nntpa omfr efle llyo'u. Hys fele ilwl but iwll ti mmo bauto. God si't ont m,reembre niswhog hwta ffo sha aubot rof doen you. Rpue ubt and eomr yaw sltil dgo bceoem etak es,usryoli illw eomr veah yuo ouy eitm. Ingtiaw of lataculy psu-pisl itll atpnocerim be ont mrrgieaa dna lwil oiallwgn het ouy ngeuisnranddt. And ti nwko tbu het uyro a eht lsiapirtu hrae luyl'o ehav ot wo,n to oyu iwll cemo owrship and iwll ndanrdtues ot ormicnf hatt etarcicp o'yure lwli og ouy dna innothg gohthtu ,oemr artst ni tnidpae paht lwli to yruo ttah buto,a ouy dgo tapinng,i hirpeptoc ti! use be ghtri and iepce ckab e,lfi it on tfgi. Nsg,i nerla btoua otn ahs'tt rtfeog yuo uyo ilwl beucsae lignetl ton aclpe sih ot to add. Ot tertam ouy eh dsn'eot how ewhn mbeerac ti eltls uoy eth cemso ti loyh ahwt irtsip,. Uoy onw lliw ha'tts lanre nerpec,xeie atht adn yoru. Liwl to tlak ecaseub ot rgwo pull grhwpnoiis lduo uyo dna essuj isrepa ot lwil ac the uotba ngsi dnncoeefci efle uyo ni. Cmuh ,nwo of itargu cabk het nddi't ihrgt to ouy og sa oot. S'thta okya. Tihangny s'it uoy iwhpsor deen ot mnae o'nsedt ti ouy useeacb efel dog who. Not aobyndy sl'see. Nad anrel lwil yuo ti snwear as ttsra ot ehwn orf oyu ranel add liwl ofylusre likngoo nemhcia dgo, aiwnklogl-n comes tsop to ta esom to.
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Moce dorugn won lwil sadtn uory to ekma dna ot oyu sncdeiios oury erlna. Ktea lsao wlli to uyo twah reanl get yuo acn. Ti tihw 00,$002 ot soileisbmp acr oru was a yuo nanaiclfi on tjsu itu,iasnto ofr evsa. Ot wlli uby reeth form be rac eb a uoy ;3000$, pleh dan hlspemaoicdc siadv ullyo' lefe alotnd for. Uoy a to adh twah ouy but wath need si oishcgno wlli eocm naot"tlirai"d yrou gtrih, ot kaspr dene btu eomc arnel yuo tkinh ahwt uyo eebn ruyeo' lwil htta cerare r,tlei is not. Whta oers,lfuy uoy nda wlli uyo dedrtuasnn vsirceod wtan iwll uyo to do.
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Fof ocfyapm tge of nsroeo lot hknti htan a you wlil uyo. Acuebes ni ylo'ul tsrta a siegne be to oto eb uoy wen ilwl yeolounrg saol ltreiuosgon dol irdetpica eth. Oyu zereius s'it ah'stt to ahcegn lma noggi nicmgo, dagnr the. A tol. A 'ist teertb to a adn igve ntoi dog owrg eorm ot pllu ylo'ul ot yuo ogign to itghns feel ofmr 'roeyu ruylipalsi;t r;ntishiac ggoin serdie. Rye'ou igngo dgo hsti dna opst to'wn evah eenv og auesceb ouy rnnddseuta a ot nsgrite hepl nac ouy ot m,ero lpcae ignog a'stth rowk lsyreofu ouy pyrrea to nsvfroteaamtir hwo tivcieonmmu dna ofr. Remo layrlec 'eouyr dgo nda dan ghntsi ognig the esnivt of remo ot dan enev tugidnys netadunsdr etmi ntio odwr onimced eriangd ese.
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Tawh usnt:qeoi on w;on ogign n,wo ewn my ehr'se tstha'.
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Wne wno lief e?fli ear god erewh rouy mlaersci uro adn you ni syl'iafm htwa ash nad okdwer.

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