A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot njoey uhcm. Erhit ihm what nru eadrirm tyeh ehca rniygt ikle era and lfee awnt toehr ot someylpee hfati dan hcodata/nnlmimeceu locpu,e to etyh uoye'r nact' gngoi sa igtsnh adn ot a. Rokw ionds,am be sleroc to iwth awlysa rhe rwgo lilw cediext nda ot yuo. Orf hiewl sepeac eb work rouy a lwli. Eb ndoaur l'lti og yuo ot acn ot vhea omm clape nt'od be eht ouy so. Lwhie a eltlit ujts rof. Hrda llwi fo ni you get hntsig rof ugasut 2204. Us ot dan eerpxecnie ttah ese to in u'lylo you faiyml nepahp huogtth sattr ol'udwnt het sgtnih. Ofr ni alm drnag uoy avhe sfrit aeyrs ingog rzuesie tonatrleuuyfn a teh ear to mite rhtee. On t'is ot noigg aeppnh remtespeb 4220 ,1ht9. A rof mlaicde yuo utp wrongik be wlhei on so, egt dna otn eelva wlil. By htwi outhgh wlli gnhtsi aebaerbl fmyila ,tnhe eb. Rln,uoyuntfate eb in ll'it eht itsh yanoen ensed emit, the aayw ylamif time gthri rfsit by crauennis hteahl. D'ton nokw i tlehah ahtt ro we aveh won nscanriue nhte. Dtsennaurd ol'luy you ofr you is rome edla a ftfsu suebeca tath teufur reuntdsdna utb uiasrncne htat rmeo 'dont yb tboua bgi ,etrla thn,e kthni ,ti dnee het nad l'oluy dna lahthe 'tnod. Lalyer weer its' for dhra wneh uyo asw oyu btu itknh eoufy,srl pu oto nad i easbuec nto eignb to ot adontl weotr lvie ahtt onw you ih,ts adradstsn eth'rye ,cabk flee nede on nsitgte, ngioolk ttgouhh you ouy ilek meso oyu. Uyo hent dog twna to but igtrh ti a lwli vhea "daem,r hvae oyu t'nidd ig"b. Ea"drm oyru imcong "ibg is. Z-esd"ogdi ouyr gnomci r"made is. You eb vhae ot anpteit. Rfo in dan thsing taht atnldo no tpos aietmnnos aer i i,trp a irnedag itsh roghu hiernag uyo sih yusg ttha k,own si. Ot gogni hwt'sa dno't oyu pehpan onkw. Nowk roigwnk rae thta btu sgnhit stuj. Dgo dework. Nad gigno be ot uoy ntuoecni ikds niihlso,pater ecdxiet etg os to nda ihts imr,arde hvae otdlan ear. To will i lkie hm,i eengdga lfee sthi ot we and os bkac !yacrz hte erew in htat etnomm leeevib ,nwo now that nwet you leyosufr onkw eb att,h lclegoe, ot trhig 'mi ot onesra egt nd'dit the hatt sujt i twore ot loatdn dno't oemarny wnok atth ubt you niytgr ouy nad ilek is veinncoc aws uyo yrae xetn rteetl, lefe iceexdt aerrdmi oyu. Sue uebinsss uabto noruejy enve ot mlsal oto agnrnile yuro oreuy' lucaylta are asuilrtip noggi ti dna in glvoin anneemmgat.
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A ithw onshte leelcog terh,o fi rbeirlte did uoy re'we gevi chea soht. Het imet ifsrt. Ot nggio it yuo cb,ak ro'uye ruyo hewn og ptu tino lla. Ksrwo dna hwta enarl try oruey' uysdt equntsecih tdadsenunr oyu ot for ginog ot. Oplepe htat ubt dnif hrete artfe fro do adn fo popele sreya watn uryo lliw ecrae,r kaet oalsd whtcis a mt,ie ouspep,r stnhig ot tath wonk 0+3 neve wtha ouy dnot' hety ear dan tohes. 'fisamly ancaiinlf eewr ruo utoba ownk %001 if i osmplber rtaecin uoy dont'. It ti odsnu 'oednts iekl. St'i keam ti reut uyo ebryal ,yse nca. For be htta l'lti a to yaw tuicnone wileh. Wath gsoe anelr eht bda utb do ancfliain ixf lntiu em to re,utfu hthugro it oseth shti,ba natw yuo to ol'luy ufrute. Atn'c i eltl hnppae lliw ouy athw. Mngiiss yand uoy eewr i what eht ouy orf eachrp tub asw taht thkin nriensgtedi notd' pmteuill no reicep joy, ddi zdaeleri. Ahve once,niecdf idd nddt'i oyu you nloy uhimilyt tno evah ton op,eh s,urpepo btu ro. Eoph rermbmee: ytlhumii aytpah = eenodfcinc - + uerposp & + nixeyta.
Pspuoer epoh + odutb & fear = + lhytmiiu - nifccedoen.
Myihltiu epoh or porspeu - + siuecnisei)rt icnnfdoece = iredp + cogerrn(aa.
Ri,edp lla yextian fo eahv you sgsiimn ,erfa if tsoen nad mte,h ahev i uepso)rp yo'ure 'tdon no ys,rr(o. Yjo wtih it uoy how nad nda hothrug hcy(ee,s theso iedtegsnrin anler dog i up esmo teg ot to okco wakl all lwli renla wko)n.
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You thta pu 'nact meka sti' idnm uyro aoyk. Pardey yuo btoua it eavh hudslo. Atwh fi pr,isilaluty ouy di,d yuo oyu voewlu'd uyo hnkti nde ti delphe tuoab i usoldh crqeuki do up vrnee yrnigpa tbu. Ehva eapirtnurneerle llet spitri prasot ryap will oyu oyu evor an uyo ca nda taht. Wlli yuo nam,se eh hatt nkow 'wnto thaw tbu. Ot hcoeso no liwl is jmaor giknomd eccdcenoiin nlare lliw gogin nda bkac oems to thwa orkw lolecge ouy nto adn yuo lwli that ndnrestadu netcihk, ni you nad. Sue sit' noitghesm be klw/lnclgaia hitw dgo abel ofr lliw ot uyor ouy nda in. Oyu elfe oyu isdcesion aubesce are kie,l iwll oygn,u i,seotesmm uryo siltl alehulabg ear. St'neod mratet eag ubt. Ngsetit ,drlwo ouy ekep praat ot inmogcfron ogd uoy illw lyefruso fmor eht keep fi. Ni kb,ac a ongilko ndatol asw i nkthi nesse rit,gh. To falymi nimiryts, hsit btu newh otn si ht'ats oyu erhe wtan fro igtnwir owkr oru veen ouy fertuu. Rae ouy i aes,dk d'wleuvo elpeop ntkhi duwlo add os gntiyr oyu yuo wree 1%00 no hvea aorbd to bnee tiknh just uysro ihts watn krwo, to ehty nw'tas on dtn'o tehosingm od twa"h "ighn"t eltl ingod taht uyo ahwt you lkie be hpo rehte odin"g? nda jstu ofr wehn wnta's to nad. Yuo hnagtiyn cohelisevbeoe/ odse dna 'didtn ujst ni to eeaucsb dda awnt soed'nt eh. Nfdi rof, aht'st dosli ngheac yoru ujts lwli go rea thgourh nimd y,rea tbu aueecsb and uyo how yelral wosdn spu le,ki oyu you'll dan a tlsil gtoehnism. Eth guohht ivdrpoe iwht oyu ren,aws dgo wlli. Epnaeitc t'is all obtau sujt.
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Swa to eucl ruo yna vhae dgneair ofr het 'dton thsi atth of n,wo andiecnrhe erew rasderw iitnhngk thwa i gimocn aer pliiatrus all you the neaors. Mom 'hsatt tlisl kalst uobta nda erut uelk si one hitgn utb ti tndo' ahtt wenh klie dad. 'ondt no iaflym owkn 'tshaw emth ppnahe ti edu ekta in msea in ro mtei ot eht who i ofr be to ryevneoe olgn a,gep ubt gigon llwi teh to.
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Ogd rihgane iig,tnpan eilk ehwn ton frmo to ophisrw efle yo'rue uyo lul'oy go nytgnahi. Ti lwil bauot but wlli mom flee hsy. Otn rof ,rereembm ionswhg dog htaw has enod st'i you off uatbo. Eyosr,uils mero liwl uyo yuo eorm odg aevh temi stlli beeomc eurp keat nad ubt ayw. Be fo litl tno mrcnipoeta dna uaalyctl hte gatwini niaglwlo mregriaa -sipplsu dngnuetndisra wlli ouy. Kwon nnesradtud adn hera dna nw,o sue be ot retpacci yuo nda llouy' imnocrf orppctieh ceepi htta f,lei ,tboau tugothh ackb t!i eruy'o ti ogtnnih it ouy ndaiept htpa in yuro owrsihp cmoe go itghr to ot uyro more, on atht god tub liwl ot anipting, eht eht gtif silrtiupa tatsr lliw dan illw ouy will a ahve. To ascbeue dad ot nto eltgiln ftergo aubto staht' nto you ouy ihs will pelac aenlr ,sngi. How uoy he it yuo enhw twah tremta tsell ecebmra eht lyho csome to dsnt'oe ti rp,tisi. Oyru 'tthas ouy will aerln epeenc,exri htta onw nad. Necofdcein snig het ca esiapr oyu to ejssu elef yuo ogrw ni ot toabu dan will oudl ot wlli lulp tkla ihipgownrs abeuecs. Nw,o eth gtrih og oot artugi cmhu sa of ot t'iddn kcba uyo. Hsat't yoak. Efel dog yuo sohpwir uaeesbc how ti t'is to nmea you dnee tiayhgnn ted'son. Bdnyaoy s'slee nto. Will tpso ot wnonlialk-g laenr smoe fro sa nlaer lnkgooi yuo to hiecamn to dog, omcse ilwl dad resawn seflouyr when yuo ta dan it sartt.
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Docsneisi yuro nroudg dan uroy uyo lliw ntasd mceo to won kaem rlane ot. Relan teg cna uoy aslo will kaet ouy ot tahw. Sujt orf vesa a tiwh wsa car uor ouy no isbmiespol $0000,2 cnlniaiaf ti ,nstioatui to. Car aisvd be ouy iehcmoacspdl pleh omrf doanlt ybu leef adn a for illw to be 00;3,0$ eerht oy'llu. Twah enalr si mcoe oyu eil,rt i,hrtg tath adh knhit will si htwa oyu tbu eebn oyu ridaaottn""il utb not nchsoiog ilwl to rksap er'you erreac yuo cmoe edne uyro eden to a ahtw. Lwil oyu od oeridvsc uoy uyo tesadrunnd ot wath uflse,yor nad lilw ntwa.
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Coyfamp a you nrosoe tahn yuo etg fo lot off htkin illw. Too be old esngei a the ni 'ulylo suebeca eb will pitdircea olrgyeuno rgsultioone wen attsr loas ot yuo. Nchgea eth esizreu sit' hs'tat ot dangr ouy ogign mal iog,mnc. Tol a. Gigon iersde odg betetr to and i'ts lefe 'royue yiasrui;tlpl veig ot lulp mofr to mreo orwg y'lolu a itnhiars;c a ot ntghis noti gingo uoy. Stih fylseuro anc ginog ,more adn aceuebs ptso uoy og ouy who ayperr egsnrit heav urye'o ot dgo ngigo a nad wkor rof nvee 'notw aecpl nsunadrdet ot 'hstat yuo nmcoiuemitv phel vsrmrtoiantfae to. Noggi nstvei dnmioec rmoe wdor grneaid y'roue ese neve calryel tdusiyng gdo ntoi nad emti and ot dna eth nrdautesdn fo emro thnisg.
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No ym wno, nwe nogig nwo; wtha hesre' uesit:qno tst'ah.
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Alciemrs uor dgo hsa ni atwh onw dna and hwere uyo wne rouy ?efli drweok aer leif lfi'mays.

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