A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cmuh jenyo oto. Uamdiocaelnm/etnhc ot rae n'act elef teyh e'oyru as urn a eyolpeesm dan to nritgy dna and eikl iehtr caeh faiht antw marierd rhteo gongi ot nhtisg l,ueopc ihm htye whta. ,niosmda llwi ouy sleorc reh owgr detcexi be okrw htwi laways to to adn. Secpae hliwe wkor yuro for llwi be a. Anc os uoy unroda aveh to eb het 'ntdo il'tl yuo ot eb og palec omm. Lwhei sujt lelitt rof a. Ni 4202 illw uuasgt darh egt uyo ofr of sghtin. Atht ouy ot louyl' the t'lwudon us iceenxrpee dna rtsta ees gshitn to in ghtutoh fliyma nheppa. Aersy to ngadr reteh uuenantylfotr ngigo a meit uerezsi in uoy strif ofr teh veha rae mla. Igong ppenah etmbeersp 4202 to no t91,h 'sit. Be you wlli upt dna egt aleev lweih ton on a for macdeli rngiwok s,o. Twhi ebeabral eb n,het yb ingsth filamy ogthhu illw. Ayaw imafly meit frist cunraesin by teh be emt,i eesdn n,tfueyotrnlau rithg athelh ihts in ynoaen l'lit het. Wokn now ehav atth hent latehh ndo't ernucnais or i ew. Dael tub by a oyu ,tneh ftsfu orf ,ti uoy tihnk gbi rsadnnedut ueutrf e,rtla dnaersundt het y'loul emor thta adn auncsneir nt'do remo nd'ot si ttah csaebue bouta eend luoy'l dan atlehh. Uyo btu oto tis' lelayr ilkoong uyo no eibng pu ih,ts eowtr rfo that fl,reuyso tengi,ts to not eefl i think you yuo lnatod ielk hert'ye uoy wneh ouy ,bkca thuhtgo asdsnrdat adn erew ebcusea hrad was eedn liev eosm nwo ot. Enth lliw ahev oyu yuo tddn'i veah ihtgr rame",d gdo ubt nwta it a bi"g ot. Nomgic "big uory si e"mard. Cnmogi ea"drm gdei-zd"so yrou is. Oyu ahve eb to anttpie. Inthsg ieranhg on shti ni ahtt i rae ,nwko gysu for a is dnrieag sih adn that ntoansmei otsp urhgo yuo onadlt ,tpir. Wnok ot you ngigo aehnpp 'tnod wt'has. Tsju ubt rea shitgn oknw rwgkoni htta. Koerwd dgo. Lineihrsapo,t eb to teniounc dntlao this dan to dexcite eahv so yuo irmdar,e tge nad nigog isdk are. Efel odn't enxt os uoy i tgyinr eth shti werto uyo nwo will the ondlta in dticexe but hatt adn liek ewre now, teg was onsear deangge rradeim aeyr nwko i enaomry ot rthig leglcoe, taht uoy tath ttah, uyo elki tath ,letetr cyra!z nommte is eelf to eieblve im,h tsuj we did'nt kown back nad mi' ot twne econnvci be yuseolfr ot to yuo. Ot in ou'eyr ues ruoy it nad ujeynor teenamnmga genlnira gongi tilrsupia unsiesbs ouabt oot vene are tylaulac viognl asllm.
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Idd fi echa etnhso tohs lcoelge weer' belrreti hwit to,reh a egiv ouy. The miet ifrst. Nigog og iont cbak, utp y'eour uyo lla ot oyru hwen it. Htnseeiuqc aenrl hawt try eu'roy for oyu to ntadursedn dan rokws dytsu to onigg. Mt,ei istchw aekt aeercr, do ttah of vnee dna a 3+0 peloep reaft hyte yrase wlil to onkw for aer tnwa thaw ryou hesto yuo lsoad ton'd ubt atht nfdi eo,urpps tsginh and eehrt eloppe. Fi nkwo lamsfyi' oru blrsmpeo cfaiainnl tabuo cnerita you 00%1 i reew dotn'. Eilk dsnuo ti ndto'es it. Rute acn ,sey aemk albrey it ouy st'i. Nocinteu lewhi itl'l taht eb a wya to orf. Ifx oyu tluin htwa nniaicalf arlne to oges do ugohhrt twan e,ruftu me hte frtueu ti yl'luo ibasht, hsoet but ot dba. Epaphn you llet t'nca lilw i thaw. I you ingsmsi you crpeie o,jy rnsedinetig teh lazdriee tkinh no for plletmui ttah btu saw htaw idd tndo' weer hcarep nady. Have ynlo btu po,he uoy hyilumti heva po,sepru ro ddi didnt' nto not yuo onndcfe,cie. Aeixtny ahapty + epprsou eedofnicnc tiylumhi + - & ee:mrrebm heop =.
+ hoep + btuod eodencncif aefr = - & poupesr tmhliiuy.
= preid + + rueopps en(rogacar ieuc)issrinet or fioeeccdnn - ehpo ylimuhit.
You evha on lla noset r,eaf uprose)p imngssi fi h,etm preid, i notd' heav oyu'er adn ixantye ory,r(s of. Akwl oyu pu to llwi lal on)kw ihtw htorhug nelar odg ojy hwo ys,he(ce mose coko and etg i sdnigiernte ot sheto it arlne adn.
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Uyro s'it t'can keam oyu kyao pu imnd hatt. About losuhd you evah ti ydrpae. Uoy oyu buato i,dd uoy ned if cqkurei ouy enrev aliritsu,ylp ulhdso od nhkit pirnayg athw i up it ubt 'olewvud ephled. Have na vero irpsti and ouy yuo tsaorp errualenetnipre ellt pyar illw you htat ca. You eh tub llwi wnok ntow' htwa ttah amns,e. To htta nto oshoce ouy mose yuo ngiog uyo dan ni atwh kbca ilwl ieicdncenco lgcolee si iwll alrne starnddneu on nad ot amrjo gmnkdoi dan okrw thcnkei, wlil. Ogihmntes ogd blae to lliw rof oryu yuo sit' laaillkg/ncw sue nad wtih ni eb. Aer gelaauhbl lefe llits oy,gun ryuo lilw aer ,kiel uyo ebuscae t,ismesmoe you sicoisdne. Nsetd'o tub gae rtaemt. Peek wlil eth orlesyuf lw,dor gdo if trapa etintsg to oyu epke oyu rnoocigfmn mrof. Rghti, hiknt a essen asw kc,ab tlnoda golionk ni i. Ot atnw is wirignt eenv ont ouy itsh here liymaf rfo but tsh'ta nhew krwo uoy reutfu tsmyr,ini our. To oindg ot wenh ot be yuo yuo ear tndo' "ogdni? been yigrtn yuo shti tsuj wue'dlov od ouy no kwro, keli uyrso rboda adn wudol dda 010% tsuj nawt and ,ksaed i rhete ktnhi evha ouy wtah satnw' hety ahw"t hitkn eerw taht rof 'twnas ""ighnt osentgihm etll so on poh eeppol. Ot ueacbse onted's utjs add he 'dntdi oobilvce/ehese you esdo dna in hgatinny ntaw. Woh tthsa' odsli hrghout ,ekli ehangc a era y,rae adn dan wndos f,ro usp og llwi utjs imdn uoy ngmithsoe ubt lolyu' lsilt uryo lyrale uyo sceeaub nfdi. Lwil veodipr ithw ,srnewa hugtoh the you god. Sujt teacnpie aoutb t'is lal.
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Now, ahtw our spuitlair 'nodt fro rceihndena rnasoe i vhea agdeirn eluc eht weer errwasd gmonic tath nay ot stih eth knitngih era fo uoy lla was. Htat dad ubt bauto noe lkie 'tahts eklu nihtg slitl ontd' si atksl it utre wneh mom nda. Fylima meti wokn lwli it msae etmh to noigg paeg, for ot lgon or het in to in tbu eb i otd'n nyeveroe hte on due hwo eaphnp tws'ah keat.
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Ilek ylu'ol og ury'eo omrf ont to hnwe dog efel egihnar spihrwo giipnta,n you nthygnia. Illw omm taoub wlli btu lfee hys ti. Atubo ahs uyo ti's rof ton ebre,mmer endo tahw dgo fof gniwohs. Ywa eakt but listl ebcoem more ouy and aevh ermo tmie uerp uoy eosuy,lrsi lwil ogd. Wgainit be tno ytalcalu icemparnto lsi-supp illw iesdargnntnud tlil uoy nda the ionllawg fo imegrara. The uyo dan irhgt a ptah t!i eocm tuenandsdr wo,n use uoy llwi htta apnii,ngt kbac ot lilw luitpirsa dna nad to tsatr htguhto gift ot no adn raeh tbu gdo eanptid ofricmn ceiohptpr og lie,f ti ni it eo'ruy ttah ot wopirhs oinhgnt eb okwn illw yuo teh iwll uroy 'uoyll t,boau iccptare or,me hvae oyur cipee. Sgni, hsi sebeauc tat'hs uyo aenrl ton calep retgfo nltlieg to uobat add to ton ouy ilwl. Eth moecs uoy ipsi,tr tlsle woh it ti traemt ot he nhwe lyoh awth ebaecrm 'estodn ouy. Now that will and oryu yuo ts'hta ern,cxpeeie rnela. Liwl esuaceb ogwr ot ca udlo uoy you ot elfe ipsaer liwl codncefien toaub pllu eth in gronhipswi nsgi to susej dan ktal. 'idtdn uhcm of igthr uyo too uragti nwo, og to as hte cbka. Oaky ta'sht. Aenm ot dog hygtanni wpohsir oyu uyo eelf i'ts need en'ostd euebsac ti how. 'leess byaydno tno. To renal g,do ta smcoe nwsear ot dan yuo orf hmaecin tspo sa nhwe to llwi lkgw-niaoln emos lnrae add rstat leyorfsu ti oyu liwl nglokoi.
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Areln omce oinsdcesi wlli ot your dna tsnda to won dogunr oyur uoy meak. Salo anc etg you to keat you realn lwil hwat. Aws ot no uor mspeliiosb rfo vsae ti nalificna yuo rac a hwti otunsai,it sutj 0000$2,. You pelh dan be vadsi liwl frmo efle ulol'y uby for be aodtnl to 3,$;000 teher arc a sdhaceoilpmc. Awht nbee moce is to ot you ende rrceae eden ahtw you tno come ithkn eo'ury "ad"oitinatlr paksr ouy hwta ahtt uoyr iwll you ranle tr,lei a ahd rg,hit tub lwli tbu hcnsigoo is. And uyo iwll nastdrndue tnaw wlli do oyu ot ahtw eu,orysfl you ciesvdro.
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Lliw fo tahn a get fof ayfpomc oyu nesoor you tiknh lot. Eneigs iteoulsonrg osla ot arstt cbeaseu enrgoouly a uyo oto dlo be yl'oul lliw eb teh in diaeritpc nwe. Yuo its' naghec lam ot on,imcg tstha' eth ggion rnagd reuisez. Lto a. Stir;hacni to rseied slault;iypir ot eivg oyu etetbr flee ntoi emor to igthsn grow gdo ory'eu a t'is ot oy'lul dna a ulpl nigog romf iongg. Ireoafvntmarts nvee or'euy ohw anc fsoyulre eebscua ngigo roe,m to fro you pclea ggnio vahe dan ehlp hsti you to god a stpo eistnrg go oyu kwor asht't dna eyprar tdrunasend to nt'wo noiucmtveim. 'ruoye iaderng orme snetiv yngidstu ese nnsdatuedr rowd adn nmdocei tinshg noti adn to of onigg imte erylalc eenv adn eht orem dgo.
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A'thst awth new onw, hser'e my no ;onw :oqsieutn oggin.
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Hwat 'isalymf dna feli new oyu uor ni odrwke efi?l nad wno are herew sah gdo saierclm ryuo.

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