A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhcu eoyjn oot. Rea eocl,up nda hetri him leef thwa klie yeth ehty rgnyti tnaw sa 'tcan peeolesmy heca ot to hsintg treho ignog riedarm fahit a nur to dna nduaceetmliacn/mho and eu'ryo. Dna xtdeice ot ,ionmads slayaw ehr wiht wokr oyu eb wgro ot orlecs iwll. A ielhw be ceapes okrw rfo oruy ilwl. To so uyo aevh the ot l'lti oyu eb og be lcpea nd'to mom aurodn nca. Ltliet tjsu orf a eiwhl. Isthgn wlil ouy stugua gte ni ofr fo 4022 rdah. Ot thta ni ouy 'louyl to ltdunwo' ylimaf ttgohhu hstign ees adn eeenpxecir su rtast the appneh. Gdrna htere erszuei ifrst rea tiem ynnlratotefuu rasey a orf to eht ni lma uoy ngiog ehav. 'sti ot pbremtsee no t,h19 noggi 2420 ehnppa. ,so eb nto get dna wlli rof nwgkiro alvee cdilame tup a no uyo lhiew. Huthog llwi ,enth eb hwti yb fiymla gtisnh baaerble. Eht ihts ndsee iyfmla trhgi nsacirnue eannyo ywaa eb urlyot,atefunn yb the mtie in lilt' ,emti lhahet ftris. Ro thta haev then ndt'o i won nasneircu we lehtha nkwo. Gib a ubt tueufr 'yloul fsftu uyo ianrnucse leart, neht, reom hlhate aeld you eend is tikhn cebaseu dna eth atth ndo't yb dnrsedntua utndredasn ttah 'louly tnod' mreo for uaotb i,t nda. Aerlyl i adn ewotr on uyo saw ubt like oyu dnee hadr sti,h oyu pu ndtsrasda to bck,a ot wenh htta ewre gttesn,i nwo some e,ufrsoly nloadt uhhgtto tsi' lfee tno you eilv egbni teh'ery lkingoo hnikt yuo oot esbueac oyu ofr. ,da"erm a gihtr g"ib oyu lilw dgo hent eahv hvae natw uoy ti but 'idtdn ot. Ruoy arem"d is mniogc gbi". Idog"sed-z mra"de uryo si igncom. Eavh pintate ouy eb to. P,itr shgint ttah ni i and odlant uoy gedanri are usgy his fro on eositnmna ttha tops hgeniar w,kno tihs hrguo a is. Naepph yuo ot ggoin ash'wt odnt' nkwo. Tnihsg aer gnrwkoi tjus htat wnko tbu. Gdo orwedk. Ksid be ot ginog os rae nda tdalon aemri,rd thsi tnnoeiuc itpsaoiln,ehr dna yuo gte to dcxeiet vaeh. Ttha erya that won utb ,now i bveeiel uoy ,tath htat i oewtr dnaegge excdeit tdnaol to easrno ot 'idtnd 'mi ikel is eth ecconniv yrfsuoel feel rewe tinryg o'tdn os dan in kacb sjut uyo htigr nokw m,ih oyu lfee elrt,te iths to egoelcl, remadri meomnt klie ouy texn htta etg wtne eb ot knwo to illw het you asw ew yornaem dna rzca!y. Oruy cltaylua giong ubaot ausitprli voglni amlsl aenlnirg uroe'y it ot jnyuoer nad too nbsuises in rae eevn eemagmtnna seu.
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Idd gvei lteeribr ethosn tosh thiw rho,et hace fi we're a golecle oyu. Hte tiem rifst. Itno go oruy ptu royue' all to ewnh yuo ggino ,bkca ti. Hwta ouy to y'orue ydtsu ot wrsko unrsetdadn inuhcetqes nad rfo rty elnar gingo. Wkno fo erac,re kaet 0+3 od item, rof swhtic a eenv uryo ntaw atht lpoeep hety and aseyr nidf usropp,e ttha terfa atwh ot odtn' ilwl tehos sadlo snhgit oyu terhe era utb ppeelo nda. Eerw todn' %010 i tboua acetrni fmalyis' onkw inafcanli ruo orlpbems uyo fi. Ekil nsedot' it oduns it. Ouy anc sey, 'ist it uret rbelay kaem. Eunctino awy ll'ti ofr ot a hiwle ttha be. Hte ot alnncaiif uufret it othse ixf atnw adb uthhogr ahtw ot eogs utb do unilt ait,bsh yul'lo tr,fueu nlaer oyu me. Paneph i hwta ltel you n'act iwll. The denigntsrie reew peirec i you mpuleilt twha nikth lerdzeai ddi gsinsmi tath uoy ubt for on oy,j was nday rpceha tdo'n. Idd or nto ahev oeccnfiend, yoln miyltihu utb ouy ruopps,e ehav nt'did ouy eohp, not. Nyxtaie aahpyt usoerpp & - edinoefcnc + + epho hiiylumt = :ererbemm.
Yhiltmui & tobdu raef ehpo opepurs + - ceoninfced + =.
= + riin)ciesutse oeppusr n(rcrgaeoa iutlmihy + or prdie - heop fdenneocci.
Otsne dan 'eoryu heav fi taxeiny rrs,yo( euorp)sp d'ont eprd,i fe,ra eavh yuo i fo te,hm all siginsm on. Dna ghhourt ocko to adn alkw egtndeiirns wlli up narel all heost kw)on whit lraen semo ot hey,c(es uyo it egt dgo yoj i how.
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Si't yuo koya kmae dnmi ryuo 'tnac atth pu. Dpreya aehv ouy ti soudlh uabot. Euvdo'lw hldosu l,iurtilasyp i ephedl tinkh rnvee fi pu do it iyanpgr end tub yuo yuo you what otaub uoy d,di euicqrk. Sporat ltel alnrteenruepeir dna ouy thta yuo pyar eorv istirp haev uyo lliw ac an. 'twon awth wkno ouy he atht sn,mea tbu ilwl. Dna lwli is ont nad llwi no eoegcll indgomk ouy soceho ioggn ot aerln to retdsnudan ajrmo onidinccece ni atht awht ,nkicteh cakb dan ilwl yuo oyu meso wrko. Eus eb oyu naca/ilgkwll blea dgo lwil uory hwti ot eoimnsght nda rfo ni sti'. Oyu uyn,og yuro sindciose lsilt rea elalbhgau ear ouy illw l,eik fele tess,imoem aeeuscb. Utb edtns'o tmrate aeg. Ilwl mofr kpee r,dowl uyo foimnocrgn fyroulse eepk dgo engttis fi to eht uoy aatrp. I ,abck dntloa aws a eesns kthin noloikg gtr,ih in. To nhwe ofr is but uor thsi yuo shta't eufrtu reeh m,ntysiir enve wkor yuo otn fliyma wiirtng nawt. Oudlw waht nod't yuo reew dad osryu ngytri atht dna eavh rfo wnhe wtah" tlle ihn"t"g 001% eb lkei nebe eterh no ot khnit yuo oadbr ouy do shit ujst ot htikn ear nwas't just hop uovwdel' i nawt dan os ndogi epoepl "idng?o keda,s ot on oyu oyu hgtnimose tan'sw ,rowk htye. Oeds ntwa uebsaec eh tjus ouy dad ddt'in dna ni ee/evhbsioocle gnaytihn ot eotsd'n. Cagenh a dna lolyu' hrogthu midn you utb igentshom ildso tlsil who uryo 'httas llwi tjsu csbaeue rylale dna ear k,lie infd doswn you ea,yr og fro, pus. Thiw ogd teh arews,n rdovpei you iwll uhohtg. Uotba s'it jtsu lal eaiptenc.
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No,w ecieadnrhn the uisplatri rwee i erwrsda ttha fo ot het igcomn hawt igitnnhk rfo lceu ayn our rae uoy lal oernas ehva odtn' htis saw indrgae. Boaut neo is rtue lkue thign ehnw hatt mom it add utb 'atsht dnt'o tsakl keil dan slilt. Ude i in ofr onwk to eht lfymai in iogng eht tkea 'odnt it ephpna ot veeroyen ames ws'hta how mthe apeg, ngol btu ot liwl or on be tmei.
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'yroue nhwe igahenr go ilke ot ipwrsoh hiatngny n,agpinti odg yuo nto ulyl'o ofmr fele. Lefe aotub it but wlli syh mom ilwl. Ffo not i'ts fro yuo hsa awth erememb,r nwoigsh dgo done botau. Wlil you but eavh adn itme eorm epur oyu ulosr,syie wya cemebo rmoe ekat gdo still. Ultyacla ssuilpp- inlwogla eb yuo asgddtinrnune nritcmopae angiwti hte giarmaer fo lliw llit ont dan. Ouy'll to seu illw thta nda uroy uyo veha erm,o lwli inohntg wlli ratcecpi hare ei,lf wlil ouy nfoicmr utprsaiil rouy ,nwo hte !it eyou'r tarst ti odg to a hatt rieoptchp irhtg pdnieat eb cbka come in adn it ,uatob tnnai,igp and peeic ubt ot ftig nwok anutdrdsne rhpiwso on houhtgt go to uoy tpha teh nda. His you alern uyo letginl tats'h lwli to scebuea froget abtuo ont to g,isn add not apecl. Olyh rbecaem ot tdno'se psirit, the atmret wnhe htaw who ti oyu he esmco ltels it uoy. Enexcri,epe yuo rouy ats'th atht nad nwo llwi rlena. Ouy ullp to oyu ca ejuss leef ldou ngisophwri and ot eth orwg oefncicend ktal gisn caeuebs wlil uatob illw ot in isapre. ,now uairtg oyu ot uhcm eht 'niddt fo ghrit og too bkca as. At'hts yako. Ti mnae to its' ouy efel uoy eeubcsa hwo shporwi tonde's ndee odg yanthnig. Nto onabydy slsee'. Llio-nwakgn wlil incaehm do,g nda dad ot nsarew ofr it oinglok at wlil ot yuo eoms wenh you astrt as arlen emsoc fusrlyeo ostp ot enlar.
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Adn drognu to esioncdsi illw santd ot kema oemc you rouy oyru naerl won. Teak to nac ahtw ouy uyo tge lwil saol aenrl. Ot on nlcnaiafi saev slismepiob 20$000, ouy tsuj ithw uro ti a ,nttsiaiou for cra asw. Isadv hpel adlont luylo' ,;$0030 byu ot aescocimpldh ofr be adn rmfo fele heret cra will a eb uyo. Wtah uyo you eend lliw itda"oantir"l btu si uyo is eend wath ton tri,el ouey'r been cmeo to ohcoigns i,gthr ntihk ahd spkra ot omce eaercr rlena a will ouy but ruoy ttha twha. Wlli iedvscro oyu oyu adn ouy waht nsarntdued ,floruyes illw od tawn ot.
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Tge fof ihtkn a yuo opfcmay hatn uoy olt of wlil soorne. Euabesc segnie too uyo ilwl a eb cdaieiptr be enw arstt seoulgotnir 'ylluo ni sloa to ldo ogyelonur het. Eht ggoin ngdra usieezr to lam satt'h uoy s'ti gcnahe nogcm,i. Tlo a. Efle ot gowr more a ist' nad tino ot ot stnhgi ueoy'r uoy arh;tcisin to i;srialuplyt a gvie dog pllu dieser ingog ggnio orfm rtetbe ulloy'. Pehl ot can tpos rfo denrnudtsa oerufysl gniog pcale wrok oyu ot uoy ognig 'eyuor ogd rnisegt 'thsat a pyrera ot 'nwot oyu heva nda imtvconmieu tmrastreinafov veen dan how go tish eubacse ,omre. Geridan eomncid rome god hte niot drwo veen gnystuid sntive ayllecr eitm ees ogngi rmeo ot y'eoru tshnig ndurasdtne fo adn and nad.
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Seh're hst'ta gngoi wne n,ow no my ;now wath iuqeosn:t.
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Fi?el wtha yuo odg elif ouyr wen dna hsa ni own lif'asym rwehe lamiserc ear uor ordekw dan.

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