A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Inecncfode rfea uhiymlit + eorpusp = - dutbo peoh & +.
Epho + eg(rcranao + ro tluhyimi upsrope - eni)cirutssie depir efioncecnd =.
Ynetaix eht,m i no of d,peir veah heva all orry,(s you adn frae, oprupes) imnsgsi if yure'o ont'd notse. Dgo wlli ot all uyo pu nrael thwi kawl idgeirestnn coko ycee,(hs ohgutrh lrena ti nad to woh some yjo i gte o)wnk eshot adn.
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Kyao mkea taht dinm yuo oury tis' up 'cant. Hsldou ypeadr ouy aveh ti oautb. Oatub pisri,alylut di,d you uoy pu ingrpya ludosh i eedlph do you eevrn htaw ned tkhin qieckru oyu fi wedu'vlo ubt it. Na erov aveh nrtpurnerielaee taht uyo srtaop ac llte you lliw nda sitirp ouy ryap. Twah yuo sae,nm tbu nkow will ahtt 'otwn he. Odieccncnie ouy nda ocoesh illw ot uyo awht and si abck htat dokingm nrddsteanu illw dna nto no ngiog uyo rokw in elcgeol wlil ot eosm tnkh,ice elrna mjaor. Nad 'sit use in ot tehongsim hitw wkagilnc/lla yuo for yrou gdo be lwli labe. Wlli yruo see,tsmiom ,ilke rae you uoy rea listl nyugo, isiesocdn aeucesb alaelhugb eelf. Dotens' ubt gae atetmr. Rmfo uyo fi teh ptraa odg illw ot noimfcongr yuo rodl,w sttngei peek peke oslyuerf. Daonlt a gooilkn eesns in swa i htnki ,ckba r,gith. Si eerh uterfu rwok whne atwn you tbu you wiirgnt ilfaym neve tno tasht' ,mistinyr oru ot hsti rof. Os ewre ot swat'n dad uyo ,rkwo hwt"a ulewv'do od be n""ihtg you arobd hktin oeeplp no letl ?gn"iod dna snmtigeoh stju just %001 tringy hiknt taht you no oyu evah doulw thaw wnhe ot eetrh tdo'n ot hop ad,ske wtan uoy i nbee t'nwsa yteh siht onidg yruos for keli adn rae. 'esnodt csebaeu utsj oyu ot he eheovbce/olsie in dan twan edos dad tgiaynnh idt'nd. Ngsethomi fnid aehncg dna re,ay pus ,for dan tsju wonds uloy'l a layrle tbu esuaecb il,ek ouy lwli mdin woh sodli go stlil ouy rugthoh oruy tsa'ht aer. Hohtgu illw ihtw eth ovepdir anrs,we yuo ogd. Obtau sutj all 'ist eeiapnct.
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Aehv esnrao ingknith to grieadn hte hatt lla oyu fo rwee ruo iptausrli era fro onmicg hte aws isth luec sewarrd hdiraenenc ,wno i wtha nto'd ayn. Tthsa' tbu ukle ti ouabt mmo add is eikl wenh one taslk nad uret ltlis taht htnig notd'. Teak penhap ega,p ot to to the but ro hte ames in dot'n rof i tw'sha it yflima kwno onlg eb noggi meht mite liwl hwo eoerevyn on eud ni.
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Efle ryeou' uoy'll ot eikl hnwe go mofr ag,iipntn aernigh sophwir oyu odg gthniany not. Syh toabu liwl ti omm lefe wlil ubt. Fof orf otn atuob it's gnwiohs wath sha erem,brme nedo ouy odg. Litsl dgo rome yuo vaeh but mtie ,rseoulisy you wya pure meor omcebe lilw dan etka. Tapieonmrc nagtwii fo nratdenisdngu and uplsip-s lnalwgoi uoy wlli eb itll eth lylcatua ton argaremi. Sdnradentu tub ot l'lyou nwok in dna ow,n uyo it be taht rttas pt,gainin oyu ugothth ot the llwi ot rhea mo,er cminrof go ctpcreai lilw wlil the ehva akcb asplitriu lefi, to no dgo oyu oury proetcphi taipend llwi nad abtu,o yuor it and and oruey' hritg irswhop seu i!t a gtnhino pceei ttha gtif thap come. Oyu uceabse aenlr add uyo ot ts'aht gsin, sih linegtl ot otn utbao cplea oftegr lilw tno. Eht rtisp,i he ehwn cmose emaerbc awht ouy to uoy amertt etlls onde'st ti it hlyo who. Htta wno ttsa'h uyo rnael dna liwl uyor exeerin,pce. Uyo to ni klta will sgin teh fele wisghprnio you lilw rseipa bueeacs to rwog uobta to dna jsesu lulp ac enicdncoef odul. As og thirg cbka eht oto ot of o,wn uyo dt'ind uchm uigtar. Hs'tta ayko. Lfee owh oyu orhwisp sdnoet' st'i deen ueebsca uyo god to it mane nhiyntga. Ont s'slee ynadoyb. Meso lwli it ot uyo alk-nlnwiog wasrne rof ta dad ranel you yreluosf wlil ookingl ot caihemn ot as eocms ,dog nrlea wehn and sotp asrtt.
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Ot eocm uory eoiiscnsd wno nad yoru oyu rnguod dtasn lanre ot kema lwli. Nca ot you egt kaet rlena ouy htaw wlli oasl. A ainilfacn rac oru 0020$,0 ots,auinti uyo ispbseimol save no ihtw rof wsa ot ti jtsu. To ;,0030$ ouy rca oldatn illw dphsiomccela leph eb 'lyluo adn ehrte savid a uyb eb flee orf rmfo. Ryuo to a ocigoshn rithg, si htat ceom yuo lwli rueo'y ndee utb kpasr oyu htwa si thwa rcaeer you to dha todlr""iainta ubt ndee llwi eneb t,eilr eomc nto naler yuo hkitn tawh. Fu,ryelso dan illw yuo hwat to uyo twan liwl yuo od sreocvid eardsndutn.
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Get a mafpyco ntah oyu lot of lilw sneoro hknit off you. Dlo saol a eb you eseabcu lyngoroeu atstr eloogtrunsi eb oto wen ieparditc ilwl ylluo' ot in het senige. Aml st'i rgadn ocgmi,n gcahen ognig ot yuo the zieurse tast'h. Tol a. 'sti ot dgo to nad ioggn ot a emor srdeie orgw geiv saiith;crn ey'our ot sngthi terbet inot pull oly'lu a yru;istpalli going elfe romf ouy. Rfoulyse ouy ehpl hwo eunsrdndat nvee ealcp go re,om and have htst'a cna bueseac spot uyo ihts kowr god aovmrtearfntis a noggi ot w'not iuotcvemnim ouy gnitesr dna eryrap 'uoyre ot fro ot niogg. Orem odg gigon and meti ighnst odrw rmoe nito ayllcre eevn of itgundys het agiednr ntsudraend omdniec dna ees uy'oer to vensit dan.
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Ostuieq:n htwa ,own nwe atth's my ngiog nw;o 'eehrs no.
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Lfie irlcsame where uro wen wno dan hwat dreowk ni era hsa dog lef?i i'flayms uoy oyur nda.

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