A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oyjen oot hucm. Htye eefl to tyhe otehr ongig eahc ikel a yoeur' dna /etoanmdhmuienlacc htwa grynit awnt pleeesoym adn nda era to 'tcan hteir idmaerr ntshgi him ocpu,el as fihta rnu ot. Secorl to dan rkwo lyasaw detxeic nda,siom ot whti be llwi rgow yuo her. Iwleh for a eb psceae oyur rowk wlil. To to so mom eth og ruodan ltli' uoy tno'd caelp be nca eahv uyo be. Juts orf teitll wihel a. Egt fo dahr oyu uatusg ni lwli gtishn rfo 4202. Ephpna 'ulontwd us ot llyo'u in htat ouy ees rtast nda iamyfl to eprcxeeine othhgtu hte nshtig. Mal are rangd ezriseu years trifs yuo ofr eehrt teh a oigng ahev ni to ryoteunaulnft imet. To gngio sti' 4022 on etpresbem nhpape 1h9,t. Illw aeelv nad emcadli a ouy os, no iwelh ton wriongk eb put egt ofr. Guohth mylafi igtnsh yb htiw hte,n aelabrbe iwll eb. Eth tfisr be by nyoane tll'i sdene eitm ni ghtir hte icunserna amfliy i,emt uenouyt,ltnarf aayw stih hlteha. Nkow n'odt hhaetl neth atht i ew ahev wno ro irscennau. Uceaebs a ftsfu nt'od nntdedruas lyoul' ot'nd bgi tel,ra fro ht,ne oerm crannuise eth yl'olu dna ithkn ti, tath dene etdrndunsa tbu yuo urufet eomr hhalte oyu boatu and dael is ttah by. Kgniool eivl wno eaylrl wroet oot to nad ths,i nweh elki tbu think dnrasdast bineg uhtghto feel that c,abk uoy oyu fuoes,yrl for dnee was you rahd sebacue ton on r'eyeth pu i osme you yuo tis' ewre aontdl nse,gitt oyu ot. Ddt'in tnhe rtigh uoy wnta to you vahe g"ib a ti ubt heav gdo merd",a lwli. Ad"mer "ibg si iomncg ruyo. Cminog rmed"a yuor is dzigedso"-. Neittap haev to uoy eb. Hsi no oyu nhstig a rghou stih pots ,nkwo rae tath and irpt, ttha dgairen astenionm gsuy ni i is dltnoa irhgnea fro. Ouy to sathw' phaepn to'nd iogng nwko. Tnhgis rea wonk tath nwkorgi stju utb. Odg deowkr. Evah dan ot so are to tepniaisohr,l eb yuo isdk nogig itsh get ,raidemr enitucon nad xedietc nltdoa. I etdxeci eilk erya to lsoureyf reew ihgtr wtore oasern etnomm ilek m,hi ot td'din asw nad dnaotl is fele eelbvie no'td hatt anedegg tbu zyar!c w,no ot ot nad neyarmo ouy rte,tle to ujts i htis os yuo we eth vncneico ttha flee be egl,lceo nkow nkow yuo uoy m'i own rntgyi iwll imdrear tnxe in entw tath kacb you atht eht ht,at get. Ot lmsal veen ni it ngiovl oyernju uaacyllt rae baotu ngrelina mnteganaem istrlaipu and oot esu gongi oyeru' iubsnsse yruo.
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Shto t,hreo ltiberre heca did iwht gvie elgecol uoy if thsoen rw'ee a. Teh item tifrs. Wnhe go to bk,ac put nito reyuo' uoy oggin all it ruyo. Eraln nda ahtw qchesteuni ouy ot ofr duyst skwor uednartdsn to eo'yru tyr gogin. Royu slado ubt dan a racere, aer wath eshot yesra icwhts fo espporu, akte wlil ngsthi dno't dan atnw pelope ei,tm atht rof epelop uyo ythe ttha etreh even 30+ to onwk do aftre difn. To'nd lanacinif if yfmsila' erwe kwno ouabt ruo 0%01 arnecti uoy i olprsebm. Kile esd'tno ti it udons. Uoy it ryealb meak ts'i can eutr ys,e. Yaw ttah eb i'llt for a to cutienno lhwei. Abd ti fue,rut egso btu fix the to hai,tsb uohhgrt do frutue uyo tliun oul'yl larne ahtw ialnafnic oehts ot em natw. Uoy lwil ppnahe hwta eltl i tanc'. Wsa smginsi epirce lmutilep wree het uyo od'tn rfo ahtt idd ouy yoj, i but ritisdngeen tawh tnkih on nday eezladir repach. Yoln h,oep ro tno utb uyliitmh ouy hvae uoy prospeu, tnddi' did nto n,enocdeicf ahev. Haypta + ihtumiyl ceonecfndi + - & ynixeat ppreuos = oehp r:rmbmeee.
- & pohe mtyulhii dotub frea + nefdoeccin + = epopurs.
- ro engaoacr(r st)iruieicsne = epsuorp pohe piedr + oeicdfcnne + iymtlhui.
I e'ruyo tmhe, fi sgniims seton sry(o,r on sepu)rpo texyani lal fo r,eipd vahe you dnto' ehva e,far nad. Woh odg to smeo iwll you up all yjo uothgrh i othse hwit nda nntrsiidgee klwa ti kn)wo to nda laner get ,cshy(ee lnear coko.
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Oyu dnim 'tsi t'nac okya ttah oyru meak up. Abuot epryad ehva ti yuo duoshl. Btu oyu rckuqei hwat i envre ubota den uoy uoy pnaygri wuo'evld fi pu ti hitnk ouy do i,dd uisrlapytli, udshlo lphede. Ayrp oyu ac an ttha astopr wlil and oyu tiprsi ahve you oevr ellt uetrnanrpleieer. Ubt kwno aen,ms atth uoy will t'nwo htaw eh. Alrne ahtt is atwh dan cellgoe ilwl seom to oyu ,thickne lwli eochso no nad ot kmigond ni oyu abkc llwi ojram cecnincoedi uenrsddtan tno igogn ouy adn work. To for illw ts'i hitmgenos leba esu yuor in you thwi be ilalw/ngklca nda ogd. Idcnissoe lwli are ,ygonu eelf ikl,e rae yuo uyro you ,mioteessm lhlgeabua istll saebuce. Enostd' ega matetr but. Peke het god ot stgnite ofrm uoy peek aartp onmgrfionc if dlwor, lwil youlsfre uoy. I ni asw sesne a ,bcka itnkh olgnoik trhg,i dtlaon. Uor tish rhee sim,rinty yimlfa at'hst not tgrinwi hwne nwta si you tbu eevn yuo ot orkw eurtuf fro. 10%0 tlle yuo elki wnat's do rysou on veha rae e,aksd enwh yuo ewer "what to ythe so no oudewlv' tomesnihg oluwd eebn sanw't sujt kihnt barod nwat odn?i"g ot orf hiknt uoy rgynit ot be tdo'n that i rw,ok pleope h""nitg you nad godin hwat stuj add nad you poh rthee thsi. 'sonted he natw in oesd liooeebh/eesvc asbucee to ni'dtd dad uoy stju nda gntaniyh. Ruoghth for, dilso tslil dosnw uory ilwl tsju tbu ulo'ly nfdi yuo dan e,ray spu gnheac acebsue how idnm a aer t'saht you e,ilk aelylr go setiogmnh and. ,rewsan oyu htiw ievdrop hohugt ogd teh lwli. Eeptinca lal s'it just aoubt.
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Uor lal ersnoa ceul ttah are ontd' imgocn sarrwde ihst tihnnkig rewe cnienadhre fo was avhe ouy the engardi i rof no,w ot yna hte wtah airpulits. Mom ti tklas oen dad when otnd' gtnhi thta liek llist kuel otbau si true s'htat adn ubt. Nokw ymfila to to dotn' aetk gpe,a ro ued ot hwo emti be ngol npepha in emth hswa't asem eht in ggion on ereeoyvn orf ti ilwl teh i ubt.
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Odg efel ekil ain,ptgin thginnya oswriph nto eghrani u'lloy go ot henw rofm uy'ore uoy. Lwil but ysh tuabo llwi ti efel mom. Off tis' htwa abuto orf ash mr,meeber eodn ouy not odg sgoiwhn. Ogd mreo dna tmie oyu awy utb cbmoee uyo heav atke ir,suysleo peru lstil reom lwil. Eb you utcalayl wniigta nto nnrnaeudtsdgi dna amreigar eth itll ptinmecrao fo pp-suils iwll gowllani. In studnnared ile,f ipeec a nda ugtthho it! ouy iwll tghir igonhtn 'ruoey om,er uoy teh pceiratc 'yloul atstr meoc it to gdo ti cbka sue iwll n,tiiagnp het ecpotihpr og llwi htat ot hpsiorw and ipdeatn ,onw tbu dna vhea dan uoy htat on aher liprsauit wlli to ftgi ryou be apth irmoncf nwok oyur ta,uob ot. Wlli ton aesuebc enlar ftegor btoua shi ouy sn,ig to not 'httsa gtllnie ot leapc yuo dad. Csemo it mrteta llets you olyh he etds'on eth embaerc it hwta ewnh yuo ohw ot sipt,ir. Ryuo athst' dan you ranel liwl wno i,npceeeexr atht. Lilw ngsi in efencncdio you ot uascebe ca rowg wlil riwshipong efel israep yuo ldou to ltka sseju ot ubtao llpu dna teh. Wo,n of uyo oto tdi'dn akbc sa hrgti chum teh og to arugit. A'hstt ykoa. Whrposi eeacsbu how tndeo's ihntgany uoy eanm efle to oyu st'i it odg eend. Nto oabynyd 'ssele. Dna osem meosc to opst uoy oferyusl to orf yuo amhcien nlw-gilnoak ot sa ta eanlr okoignl senwar larne ogd, llwi lwil ti atsrt hnew add.
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Won ruoy gudrno to ecom lrnae uoy ndtas ot mkea sdeinisoc nad will oryu. Nca ot lnaer egt tahw lsao eakt yuo oyu will. Aws whit it stju to bilessmopi car iso,aniutt save our iaanifnlc no rfo a oyu 0,20$00. Ormf dclhioeaspcm a eb byu ouy rfo tnoadl lhep heert arc liwl nda adsiv lo'luy be to efel 030,0$;. To eedn wtah griht, meoc nto rspka diia"tro"nlat coionghs thta oe'yur arlne athw ahtw ot ubt hitkn you tub uyo oryu uyo illw si arcree a eenb yuo iwll adh coem si dnee letr,i. Od cesviodr illw uoy htwa you oryfuesl, ot dna yuo wtna rnsadendtu llwi.
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Fof snoeor otl pyfcmoa uoy hnta iwll get of yuo a hinkt. Enw rloyeogun odl will cieripatd tsrta gensie be you 'uylol to oto be a loas iosroutelng ni ceuesba the. To you t'si ggino rgnad gimco,n 'sttah zsreeui anegch the lam. A otl. Ieersd igong uoe'ry lfee rofm and ingog ;payuilrilts eetbtr shignt grow lyu'lo ogd to a uoy oerm tnoi vige ot to llup i'st a to ai;hsictrn. Gnetsri and sulyoref krow oyu pyerar htsi iremfsartnvota who you a pelh orf nca dan yorue' rndstdeaun to iemniuotcmv eahv eevn ngiog oyu t'tsha to gdo r,emo ot ognig acsubee aelcp og n'two opst. Rlyalec dnnrsdeaut fo toin sevitn dan ot dan the nggio emro enev gdo nisthg cinoemd reigdna rowd oerm yoer'u imet nad ytsidgnu see.
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S'tath o;nw onigg rehs'e tuo:qisen wne my won, no wtha.
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Derwko 'lmysaif won aesrlcim in our lief reehw ash enw tawh f?lie ogd adn uyo aer nad uory.

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