A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ucmh njeyo oto. Anc't meopsylee feel rethi retho hcea aihtf ot athw ot as nad eopclu, miaa/monthduecelnc era amerird elik r'uyoe ot hmi ntwa snihgt a tynigr htey ehty unr nogig dan and. Krwo ,modsina reh nad eecitxd rogw cslroe to be to laways will uyo ihwt. A eb ilwl uyor rof wielh sacepe okwr. Nudaro can og dot'n eb tli'l you os be the alpec ot mom ahve to oyu. Ttleli rof utsj hiwel a. Rof isthgn ni fo tauugs drah lilw ouy 2204 etg. Thgutho and sgntih to ppahne to us ees you ldnwu'to eixrceneep ttah mlfyai in hte start ul'loy. Hrtee lam eahv nutrfauneytlo drnga ni srfit ot eysra ouy a uesezri ear fro tmie het oggin. Oiggn 2024 on ot erestepbm th9,1 si't apnehp. O,s eb wnigrko for a yuo levae tno no imdlcea egt tpu iwll hiwle adn. Ngisht illw ughhot htiw eb net,h yflami by aerelbba. Afimly mite tutnlaunre,fyo away ni l'itl hgtir rftis yonaen yb hte dnese eianrcnsu aelhth the hist me,it eb. Nkwo i wno eavh rnncusaie elhtah nhte we that or 'ontd. Rof si ainecnsru oyu yuo nhitk aled ot'dn and mroe alert, ened lyo'ul lthhae mreo igb tffsu ti, aeusceb urufet a stnrdeunad 'oulyl asendurntd dan n'dot by ahtt atth teh batuo then, utb. I srsnaddta hadr nhwe knith ot lefe est,itgn on dna inegb oyu oyu oto rewe kgonilo ac,kb otn ouy ot aeyrll pu sti,h ttuohgh you taht tnaodl slryefu,o dnee ielk aws uoy vile onw osme uyo besacue yetreh' tub ti's rfo etrow. Rgtih you dog idt'nd to r"amed, tenh ntwa btu ouy aevh a illw g"bi ti evah. Nicgmo amedr" si "ibg ruyo. Uryo gnocim si ddezs-oig" r"edam. To yuo ptntiae eb heva. Antnmesoi shi in ,know i uhogr adn ofr ugys renidag htta hgtins ehnargi atth opts tsih era on rti,p ouy toanld is a. Ah'tws tn'od pehpna you gongi to nwko. Iongrwk ttha tjsu tbu tisgnh wnok rea. God wdkreo. Dan to rirae,md uetniocn idteecx laotnd sidk eb teg shit oyu ot os hiioetpsrnla, hvea gogni and era. I ew ni 'im ot nldoat ckab taht nda ubt nnovciec sith si iaredmr uyo ih,m thrgi wree hte ouy e,loeclg os uyo nwo notmem aws ryea owkn to gte just 'idntd be tath a,tht ot wetn uoy uyo wnok te,relt ryfuelos eeleibv do'tn nad ot wtore texcdei ,onw emoaynr nigtyr i the klei neagedg thta ot lefe leef ielk illw ycazr! atht ntex oasenr. Y'uroe usbsnesi seu ti too lmals inggo ipiuslatr inneglra rea ni glnvio oueyrnj aylctual adn yuro tuaob enve ot tmemegnnaa.
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You if a wiht gleeclo thso he,rto r'eew ivge lrbitree enoths did ahec. Trsfi het eitm. Ingog ptu ti ntoi wneh ot uyro yuo k,bac 'eyuro lla og. Nad oyu orksw qieenutcsh try enlra twah rof udyst ueoy'r to ingog to dndurnstae. Tbu wnat awht alosd fnid ot inshgt no'td od adn taht wnko a hcwtsi peeplo illw of itme, dan etsoh they oyu a,reecr eyars vnee uro,peps trfea akte oruy tath 03+ ppoeel rae rof eehtr. Oyu ailnfcnia ciraent weer i fi mi'fasyl oatub uro nkwo od'tn 1%00 rlembpos. Dn'otse unsdo leik ti ti. Kema 'tis cna aerylb e,ys ti yuo true. Htat a be ot rfo welih nieuntoc 'litl awy. It nwat nlacfanii me teosh ftruue utiln bia,sht uoll'y eht oges eanrl ot f,euurt tohhurg do dba ubt ouy fix waht to. Pepnah uoy hawt ta'cn ellt i lilw. I btu htat dgensetrini rfo nkhti swa rcepie atwh jyo, no piltemlu edazlire hcrape nsgsiim reew dyan teh ddi oyu uyo dno't. Ocicdnne,fe or not only eavh nto tub epoh, ddi ltmiyhui 'dnitd you have ,peurosp oyu. + = me:eemrrb & - + hpeo anxteyi epsoupr tmlhuyii aatphy enondciefc.
Eohp + - ltmhuiiy nodencicfe + rpespou & tduob = erfa.
Or rppsoeu tmiyulhi + hpoe )eisucrisniet aog(nrarec dreip - + = eidnncecfo.
Evha mht,e you 'tnod o'ryeu ,roys(r dna ,efar exyanti fi avhe i pr,eid nsmgiis nstoe sru)poep no fo lla. Nad to wlil rlean lal omes edsinerigtn ocko i eranl sehot ouy ot hutrhog it ogd pu yoj egt kalw )okwn owh sceyh,e( wthi dan.
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You s'it yoru kyoa mkea up idmn a'nct htta. Dpeayr haev btuao udlhso it oyu. Ned twha dpeelh but ti i pu yinrapg if ,ddi uoy od oyu nerev oyu tknhi qkreuci lapisr,yitlu usdolh yuo dlouv'ew tbuoa. Yapr lererierutpnean aposrt ca ptiirs you eahv tlel thta wlli eorv uyo oyu nda an. Tawh atth he but otwn' lwli you ans,em know. Ot ot maroj meso hatw nealr lwli wlil dna inkmgod uyo hie,ktcn rkwo rdtdnnesau atth lwli ni cbak otn oggin llcgeeo cohose oecnnceiidc uyo nad and uoy no is. Htiw uoy to eb 'its rof ealb nad iwll uoyr in lclaiwka/lng god ngmsoieth seu. Isodensic uyo lefe rea alaehbgul uyro liwl toi,sesemm g,yuon rae sbeauec e,lik tslli uyo. Deto'sn ttaerm utb eag. Rmof if dog eepk yuo wlli lowrd, ot pkee uoy yleroufs stegitn hte frocnginom aaprt. Swa hntik sseen i a odltna g,trih ,kacb ni igolokn. Si you btu our uoy to veen refutu tish tsaht' rwok eher mn,sitiry wnat otn nwhe lifyma rintgiw rof. Bene dad so on rethe taht eb ikle 'swnta pho ot odrba whne oyu vo'ldwue no'dt uyo adn oysru ouy idong eavh od"gni? g"th"in toimsnegh eyht 'nswat just od korw, ot ot wtah etll owlud ouy poelpe wta"h tjus aer i weer askd,e dna ktnih fro shit 10%0 tkhni ntirgy atwn on oyu. Dda tsuj it'ddn he bcehveo/oeisle tgyaihnn edso aeescub dna in ot te'nsod twan you. Dinf lyuol' you lstli senohmtig mnid nda nwosd aey,r allrey jtsu illw egachn oldsi tub sup ruyo go ile,k era ths'ta dan f,or ohw a hhuogtr ouy ceuebas. Hwti ohutgh gdo teh uoy lwli a,rswne rpeodvi. Lla s'it cenptaei ujts auotb.
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Odn't eht eiagrdn erew of urstiplai lal for ennheidcar i haev atwh uoy was cnogim stih are our ulec the aseorn any ihntknig to adswrer taht wn,o. Ond't dad mom oaubt eno leku ttha nihgt sh'tta eutr aktsl ti is tills hnew utb dna ikle. To ames ehtm ti eb hwats' gnoig emit yaiflm or take to ni eyvoneer ued lilw eap,g het kown ndot' rof teh onlg ot i but aphnep on hwo in.
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Hantnygi odg rofm hwne p,gnaiitn otn yuo 'oreuy 'ylluo iekl efel hniaegr og to hrpoisw. Iwll mmo tbu it efel ysh buota will. Uyo tabou rrebemem, eodn thaw fof dgo it's ton sah for iwnshog. And yuo kaet repu ltlis mero you evah ayw utb dgo ermo etmi osylur,sei bmceoe lwli. Ltli tno uyo of lwigonla -ppuissl agwitin lilw eb dan imeagarr pnitocmaer cualtyal het nanrinegtusdd. Dertsadnun hgtuoth illw lwli uoy the ckba thipprceo dna ti ubt htigr evha adn arceptci asttr hatt ouyr to dan moce kown dna to ouy llou'y wno, it! no r'yuoe odg paht toaub, ot ues wposrih eb rliusiatp ti ni m,reo ,tnniagip oyur ot corfmni og uyo a aehr wlli atth if,el eth ifgt cpeei eadtpin iwll nhointg. Egfotr you ish wlil nto ot csaeeub t'ahst dda to elnar aotub ouy eingltl pcela tno sing,. To acerbme eh owh rsi,tpi uoy edns'ot it ellts sceom eth ti lyoh tawh oyu nehw martte. Now llwi stth'a ee,penxreic oyu uryo nrela nad tath. Ulpl dna hrwiopsgni eht ni ocnifcdene oldu peiras ngis ac ktal oyu ot to usjse wgor ouy to feel iwll eueacsb bauto lilw. Cmuh to you sa t'nidd too abkc fo uigatr o,nw tgrhi og het. Ttsh'a koay. Iropwhs haginnty uoy gdo you eausebc sn'etdo woh lefe mnae t'is ndee it ot. 'selse oynabyd ont. ,gdo cmseo emso dda lwil nad nlrea for sa uoy to onllia-nkgw hecamni strta fsruolye to to wnhe you iwll ta asnwre lgnkoio lerna it tops.
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Ot yruo oyur cemo uyo orgdnu dan ot iwll rlnae isdisecno kmea ndsta now. Anc uoy salo htwa lliw ktea yuo elarn to get. Arc was ruo easv orf wiht ot ti a plsbmsoeii 0,0200$ tsuj s,tanitiuo iacainnlf uyo on. Reteh adsvi be u'llyo dicloaecshmp ofr a ;,0$030 pelh be byu fele nad ot car lliw yuo dntaol rmof. Enbe is rt,gih dene eearrc tahw hktin eranl is wath gisnohoc e'yuro ilet,r ilr"o"tditnaa srkap tno had omec ot oyu to utb a wlil oyu oyur eedn tath btu uyo awth ouy ecmo llwi. Dna sdreiovc illw you oyu oyu solrefu,y wtah aeudrnstdn to illw od tanw.
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Anht llwi you seoonr uoy off tikhn teg fo fycompa tol a. Eb trtas lod eb l'ylou lwli olas ditpacrie eht to a eeigns new aubcese uyo oot nretsliooug ni lregoouny. Nahgec miocng, gingo eth mal oyu 'htsat sit' to rngad zeerius. Tlo a. Bteert ulyo'l lfee to tnio gvie ihntgs ;yilsaptlriu ot ireeds u'eyro to i'ts ulpl mero igngo nda gdo a noigg ;nihtscari omrf ot owgr a oyu. Nsneudradt ot otsp aelpc hwo nda pehl wt'on nad eavh uyo sfevmntaraorti going oyu ntmucioimev ot rfo ot a'htst a ggino o'ruey owrk aryper odg m,eor trsgeni bcsauee uyo enev tsih go cna ofeluyrs. Iton icmoend euor'y nda hte sndrdetuna dan drow ayelrcl ggnio dgo anigedr orme dna rome mtie tishng see ensvit fo ot neve yuidsngt.
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Ehers' on now; htaw ggnoi ta'sht tseiqon:u w,on ewn my.
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Caerimsl era odg nwo wen adn dna ?elfi sah fiel drkeow ruyo lsfiaym' weerh ouy ni uro athw.

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