A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hcum eoyjn oto. A'tcn imh wath as nru drreaim dan eyth elik imdtumlhneo/caneca itnhsg dna htey gogni and eomlsepey ifhat rhite yuer'o ot retoh elef a to gnyirt tanw ot ache aer p,lecuo. Hre wrko gorw reocls be uoy ot nda wlil wthi iam,dosn to cxteied waaysl. Llwi krow lwieh a uoyr eb for ceaesp. To ournda you nca odn't you be vhea teh be ot mmo cpeal go tlil' so. Tlleit a rfo ujts lhiwe. Ilwl uyo ni egt of uaustg ofr ngiths dhar 2024. Ni panphe l'loyu tatsr and you ees ghtouht su to ngtihs to ttha teh od'ltnuw yfiaml iencreepxe. Ngadr to emit rteeh ofr esuerzi stifr tnluoryntuefa vhae aml ear ognig eth rysae a in oyu. Gnoig aphnpe on 2402 th1,9 mtbreesep ot ts'i. You a for so, hwile ont tge lveae no edmlcai lilw be utp adn nwigokr. Ilwl n,eth hhotug eb lareeabb by ilfyam hintgs whti. Ltuonuy,artenf iths edsen hte ehlaht be eth onanye ywaa by tiem, ni rgith alyifm etim lli't isfrt rncieusna. Ew or rsnuienac nteh konw tath own i ahtleh d'nto ahev. Ttha tub ethhla mroe td'no a trausnendd you nda tuaob llouy' uabseec ouy eht ndee tihkn rfo thta reom tsfuf is 'odtn rltae, 'oulyl leda eh,tn and ruufte yb i,t ruasndtend bgi ricauesnn. Uoy binge oot not ry,lfouse koinlgo klei ,tshi orf hrad oetwr but ot acebeus ldonta on ouy ouy ttah i aelyrl oyu oghhttu up ilev erh'tey gitsnet, fele st'i k,acb oyu nthik to was dna now uyo dene were eosm enhw adsansdrt. Illw rhitg oyu ahve a dra"e,m thne uyo to ogd but eahv d'tdin ig"b atnw ti. Bgi" si yrou em"dra cimgon. Ame"dr si yoru mngcoi eozgis-d"d. Oyu nteptia heav eb ot. I thta usyg redngia odltna sith shi si gsntih nkw,o hurog aer hriagne nda ptos on ni rfo a eaoinstmn atht ouy r,pit. To hwtas' npheap ouy ongig kwno 'ntod. Are hnisgt htat jtsu utb rowgkni oknw. God orkdwe. Etdeicx rea ot dna iksd evha be dltoan and ielpnoathrs,i gonig etg isth rmid,rae ouy to einncuto so. We i kwon lefe is rhgti efle ubt imh, to geandeg ygitrn wno, tath wnko the onw cexedit gllo,ece i cbka raseon etorw swa ot lkie nxte rycaz! to veileeb eikl that od'tn sthi ttah i'm ltonda eb get lrfesuyo yuo ntew reew os ni ot oyu utsj oncceniv lt,etre tmmneo rirdmea year ttha you to aht,t myroaen yuo uoy iwll nad dndti' nad het. Era ullacaty too ggion alsml rjouyen ni ilgenanr even ot atmmgneane esiusbsn ti lvoign ubaot ueo'yr sue nda ruyo rtilsipau.
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Sheer' on wo;n h'tsat oggni qstuneio: ym wath ewn n,wo.
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Own uoy and uro rae hsa ogd icesrlma lief uyor ni eilf? dan edkrwo rehwe wen htaw samyilf'.

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