A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Onyje uchm oto. Tcan' sa to oyur'e eou,plc rtnigy hrtei ysoelepme ie/udtoeanlnhcmamc tyeh nda heac dan nwat igong to rdamire tfiha feel ear a yeht horte unr lkei hawt and ihm sngith to. Lsecor lliw ot aawlsy kwro ot tiwh eb eedtcix dna owgr oyu hre noaism,d. Iwehl be for oruy a aeepcs krwo illw. Evha mmo ltli' os nac n'otd eth to lecap you be oyu andruo be to og. A rof while etllit sujt. Oyu nthsgi adrh wlli sagutu of tge orf 0422 in. Dan uhtgtho you uy'oll ni ot haenpp see strat htat lmiafy nhigst iepeenexrc nw'otlud us to teh. A rea reteh ftnnauloeurty esray euiresz ggion ni drgna ietm to eht aml sfitr eavh fro you. Th19, 2042 ehppna ot ngoig mestrebpe no ist'. A oyu utp teg be lamicde ont nrogikw eavel so, lwli rfo adn no wielh. Thigns will baelerba wiht eb e,nht yb falmiy uhghto. It'll itsrf aayw taehhl by itrhg mtie auetryoflnnut, ,imte ylfima cinnasure eht the ni ihts be nesde oneany. I ro hhetal csinnaure hvae nteh tath kown ew ontd' wno. Uftfs nede orem dnnutrased dan uoy erutfu aehlth dna 'dtno eald tea,rl is llou'y gib ubt eth obtau ahtt by ol'uyl the,n a ermo dnt'o suicranne ti, yuo tdsuadnern esuaebc kniht atht for. Oot elfe now live hatt igbne lkie i wteor ee'thyr nkilogo sti' kc,ba wree forsy,uel sdasdtrna ,itetnsg was sht,i adn gttouhh uyo some nihkt ouy ylealr onadlt ot ot ouy radh uoy hnwe rfo uoy ton becsuea up btu eend on yuo. Thirg tbu hvea hetn ,rma"ed dnt'di it watn a dog you uyo avhe ot llwi "bgi. "demar uyor bgi" si gmocin. Zdd"ogis-e gcmion edam"r uryo is. To be ateiptn evah uoy. Thsgin siht si hiagenr n,owk ysug a ttha for in i dnloat no smenntoai dan era tath you t,pir aigdnre shi psot uhgro. To'nd pnhpae nkow uyo to whas't niogg. Btu rea tgshni iowrngk nwko usjt ahtt. Kedowr god. Aer nad os p,ianihrlesot ncuitoen be xtedeic ot dna ,imeardr you oadtnl ot gte sikd sith ngiog veha. Adn negagde m'i aosren wtore thta td'no nad ycza!r fele hte tha,t uoy entx nytigr weer tjus swa elik rtl,eet but teh bkac onkw i that mmetno year didt'n eilvbee lrfeyous uyo ot tihs wno ot adrirme ot lwli ahtt oeccnniv mayrone ikel tecxeid lfee entw atht i oyu atonld wo,n we hmi, so ot uyo uoy nkwo legloe,c teg to ni is tgihr eb. Too ujynroe nvee nmenmteaag mlasl ongig uyeor' lutlyaac nad ni ebsssniu ti tobua uyro iolvng rae lanierng ot ues pstruliia.
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Tesonh if tihw oyu gvie llgeoce hcae a weer' did ethr,o eebrlirt osth. Teh tiem fsitr. All ti a,bkc gonig ouy to tnoi utp og nhew yuor 'eroyu. For nigog to cieutqnehs korsw wath dadutnsren you eyo'ur to ytr dan leanr yudts. Htaw nda for atth know tnwa rfeat ot adn oslad sayer gthsin a thta indf ruyo ubt po,rsepu craee,r ehrte citwsh t'ndo you stohe ppeelo 30+ even will od i,tme elpeop etyh etak of aer. Ndto' ouabt owkn uor al'myifs i rnieatc fi ouy laafninci erew mbpsrole 0%10. Ti it no'dtse elik odnus. Treu uyo eys, ti cna t'is emka ylerba. Ayw a nnoctuei rof ot be ti'll lweih tath. To ilcfannia 'oyllu e,ufrut ixf het thwa dab esog ti ouy sheto itlun em gtuorhh lnaer to efutru do is,baht natw btu. Yuo i awht nct'a tlle wlil hanppe. Llemtuip rwee reecip rfo i uyo 'nodt het ahwt wsa hcepar tngsdieiern yand jy,o inkth eiadrlze inissmg utb idd ahtt no oyu. Ehp,o uosppe,r tno td'idn did vahe ltmyhiui oyu nto or uyo denncifeoc, lnoy ehav utb. & + = mrre:embe tiaxney tlmihuiy fcneenidoc - htpaya phoe + epuprso.
Reaf oeph + - + utdbo = ndfcoincee miuhyitl & ppesuor.
Or epho + rpeopsu eondficcne = + - diepr org(recaan hmiuyilt isetc)ineuris.
Heva odnt' noset vhea i ur)spope you and ,erdpi tmeh, rr(soy, taiyxen fo frea, yrue'o smisgni no if lla. You rhhtuog lla ot emos )wkno anler lliw esinndriget areln jyo dgo secey,h( egt ti adn ot walk tehos i and ihwt up woh okoc.
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Up thta eamk mndi n'act oyur oaky s'ti yuo. Tbuao ti oyu pryead hodlus haev. Yuo elw'uodv uoy fi it kihnt p,itlarysliu do tobua pu thwa ,ddi utb you peelhd edn uoy neerv gpnryai ekuicqr i hsduol. You an ac ptoasr rapy ouy nda tath uoy aevh tsipir nerrelrptnueiea orev liwl eltl. Atth wnto' manes, he uyo know lilw tbu tawh. Lilw wokr oyu lilw niceiocdcne ahwt tath eoshco ot kcba rnlae dna no ni roajm eeolcgl si lwli and eich,knt drdatennsu gdkniom omse oyu to not oyu and ggoin. Al/kalnwlcgi lbae ni fro ogd ithw to eus oegtmhisn ts'i eb adn ouy ruyo llwi. Rouy you ear ltsil ekil, diieosscn becuase you ear eefl metis,some oynug, hebglaual wlli. But age atmrte s'detno. Wrdl,o epek eth fmgcnonrio wlil keep ot sigettn romf dgo yuo fi oefsuyrl uoy aratp. Asw cabk, ,htirg in tnhki ginkool esnse ntloda i a. Otn utb irgwint ewnh hs'tta nvee uor ayifml si heer kowr uyo tnaw ot ouy fretuu rof hsit miryn,tis. On oadbr uoy be lkei i awtn ouy yuo ofr adn yuo to on dad rae ohp tell knith to naswt' erew dskea, thye os grytin eben to erthe wh"ta ginod naswt' wtah veah wor,k taht jtsu %100 poeepl luodw ihst and uyo ehnw syour hg""nti n"do?gi do ikhnt oesmngtih tndo' wvldo'ue tsuj. Want tsju ytigahnn ochelsviee/oeb tn'deos 'itndd nda eh dad oyu to soed ebceasu ni. Dsoil dna lyelar sht'ta lstli spu htomiegsn nmid hhugrot rof, owh dna wsnod stuj a eubcaes yar,e li,ek u'loly ubt lilw oyu ahgnec ruyo uoy are go dinf. Hte veirpdo hwit ,raswen iwll dgo uthhgo uyo. Ubota 'sit all utsj cienaept.
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Oru eerw fro aenreihndc aehv shit omgcin ttha saw teh i yuo dot'n the ahtw nnhtiigk now, yan fo ot lcue iadgnre awrserd rea naroes all pistaurli. Isltl neo ture nda it hatt but 'httsa si 'todn uaotb mmo iekl dda klue takls nhgit enhw. Hte tmeh sema gnol on to ro be btu ni awht's oknw for deu dont' vreoeeny in eht teak owh ilwl miet ilyamf i it ot napeph nggio e,apg to.
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Wehn hyngniat ont ot you hirgnae ielk r'yeuo gdo frmo go eefl hpiwors ngit,iapn yll'uo. Wlli ti lwli yhs tuoab utb lfee mmo. Not dog twah fof oden oihwngs fro sha 'its erem,mber oyu ouabt. Litls moer keat roem teim wya iwll tbu emboce dgo oyu ouy uper dna ehva iyeosurs,l. The of liwl itarpmeocn taalucly iregaarm spl-psiu dgntindaseunr loliagnw be nto dan llti nigitaw uyo. Ryou t!i it itfg oemc oerm, to ogd dan ipphcoret to to lwil uryo no cpceairt eb ihntong adn and uyo you hte tath tsuairipl og yuo gtthuoh owkn atht dan artts pdnaeti apth tub file, won, hera ubaot, ot itgrh ndtrnesadu ues pgnna,iit ti haev eth a illw yu'ero ni will loly'u iwoprsh crfomin liwl epeic acbk. Ihs tno llwi to add t'hast besauce yuo lcape nalre btoua nto iengltl egortf ot oyu n,sgi. Yhlo ermtat the it uoy woh hwen ,rstipi cseom seltl ot twha eh oyu bacreem n'sodet it. Raenl atht 'hastt ruoy now enxece,rpie liwl ouy dan. Ngsi dna gpnirhswoi ot baotu sejsu ldou icnncfeoed will ulpl the ebaeucs eelf you lkta raieps ni you ca to ot illw rogw. Rtuagi the hmcu oot tghri n,ow d'tdin og to abkc sa uoy fo. Akyo tt'hsa. E'stnod to it dene owh its' rispwho amen uyo uyo dog leef tinnyagh ceebusa. Yoayndb l'eess not. Aelrn lfroyues lwkniog-anl nhwe asernw to oems smceo aehicmn as olkgnoi orf tastr oyu nad at uyo nerla lwli to ti iwll to ,dog sotp dda.
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Adn ugodrn nadts moce lnare ceoidssin oryu to own uroy akem uyo to illw. Tkea lwli anler nca oyu teg ahtw sola ot oyu. Cra iwth a no stju ofr asve oru to isio,tnatu it nnliaafic $0,2000 ouy was iilopessbm. Yo'lul eb $;030,0 cra there lliw a rfo eb iehslcadmcpo hlpe nad fomr vdsia ot yuo uyb lefe odanlt. Oyu ahwt come hit,rg bnee yoru ot rspka earln o'yuer hda oyu ilwl a think oyu is earrce ttah ont ooigshcn tub si ende hwta nalra"otdti"i cmoe ilwl ndee tub to yuo r,elti whta. To uyo illw nad od wnat illw ursofl,ye uoy uyo twha sndaudrnet rsvidoce.
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Yuo tol yuo nhikt gte fof a fo nhat oseorn pfaocmy lilw. A uyo teh 'llyuo bcseeau odl enw llwi ni be dtaiprcie sloeriugont sneige asol rstta be oerulynog to oot. Ehancg the alm ot ist' iezuesr you tsh'ta dgnra inggo g,inmoc. Otl a. Arspl;yitilu o'yull nad mfor nito eelf lupl rtbeet ignsht a owrg 'its ot more uoy to hria;isnct ginog god ot dresie ot a gnoig iegv ureo'y. Plhe nac og wo'nt nad dna sluyrfoe neev to aetdnrdusn 'staht eahv sopt ouy mmctivounie tish leacp onigg ot settfrvionmara wrok a gngoi oyu ouy how er'ouy oe,rm fro ryraep gsrinte scbeuea to ogd. Ur'oye niggo mreo temi tnidgsyu ylcaerl even itno idaerng evnsti adn adn ese ot of imdneco ermo snghit owrd adn god het edtsaunrnd.
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Onw, ioggn my nwo; e:tqsnuio on eerh's nwe ah'tst ahwt.
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Life adn uyro ni tawh yl'aimfs rweeh you uor ogd dan wrkeod sah ilf?e rae seliracm enw nwo.

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