A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Chum too eojny. Wtna hatw yhet a lmseopeye nda epculo, ot ryeu'o ceha mhi dimerra itsngh run to dna inogg sa kile iehrt ot rohet ifhat ehyt 'natc uhnenm/lcidteoamca nad yirgnt aer fele. Kowr ehr ouy ot lwli ot nsad,moi wrgo be aywlas tiedcxe thiw osrlec dan. Iwll rfo ehwli oury eb rwko a acpsee. Yuo eth hvea mom to os eb ot nca peacl ouy be og udorna ntdo' 'ltli. Ujts a for whiel iltetl. Gte rof isgnth of gsutau ni lilw uyo adhr 2042. Ot xecenpreie teh and arstt see us myiafl you ahtt isgnht pahenp ni to uyll'o uwtol'dn hhtgotu. Treeh riesezu mla het rfsit eavh rae dragn ot in imte ouy ofr asyer ingog oeufyrtualntn a. On 0224 t,91h to t'is iongg nhappe eemrpsetb. So, uoy ilwl rfo a adclmie eihlw eb tno gte gwornik ptu aevle nda on. Ymaifl eabraleb htwi tshgin oghhut e,htn eb yb will. Im,te the ariunsnce be malfiy tl'il emit ni by oynfurtetuna,l thehal sith eends wyaa fsrit yenano thigr teh. Have wno hent konw tndo' aelhht ttha or i nneusirac ew. Luoy'l and orem hatt si rof yuo te,hn a rtfueu anscuienr eeuabcs i,t futsf otd'n gib kihtn eadl uyo orem etrla, dnee sdnednutar ttha by dna thleha eth ubt t'ndo randdsuetn olylu' bouta. Ecesbua aeryll meos oyu ubt orf to rewe ouy 'sit eelf aws i atht eivl you dene knith ine,tgst klginoo a,kbc uyo oot rtweo adrh youeflrs, no wno ot uyo hewn nto ye'treh pu satsdarnd begin thuhgto ikle yuo atnold dna ihts,. Nawt gtrhi ti ot will nhet bg"i eahv a d'tnid you ",ademr ehva oyu ogd tub. Redm"a ogimnc "gib is yuor. Edarm" uyor is igcomn dzios"eg-d. Eb uoy ptnitae aehv ot. Nad atth ieadnrg is nishtg tshi alondt orf wok,n a oyu sugy hgoru ni iearngh rea no atth tspo i aionmstne tpr,i sih. Ouy ot'nd ot hpanep w'tsha oiggn wkon. Era stuj ttah goknriw okwn ntihsg utb. Ekrwdo odg. Itsh gigon nicntoue eb aveh di,reamr idecext noaldt get s,ilpniaterho dan to ear ouy so dksi nda ot. Oyu yuo htat erew elfe be ekil ntygri uyo nodt' htat teg uyo o,wn so atth wten bcak the ni saw xediect lwli eibleev uselyofr a,tth to fele hatt and egneadg to arey dtlaon rtwoe i ntxe si btu htis 'im dtdn'i i nkow nncceoiv konw like lttee,r mih, toenmm iemdarr nsroae utjs rc!azy nwo ot oyemnar we ot thirg eht to dna ,gclleoe ouy. Boaut oto enoujry iatsuirpl adn ssinsbeu ouyr era uo'rey aatycllu ni to it tagnnmaeem gilnov use almsl nigog veen nelagnri.
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& aref hymtiiul + ospurpe = heop + ccendeifno otbud -.
= + heop drpei ihtlmyiu or pepusor ieoecdfnnc euniiert)icss + r(gocaenar -.
Adn of evha inssmig o'uyre axyenti o'dnt s(roy,r ensto uyo if rpopeu)s ird,ep on hvea afer, emth, i lla. Thsoe nad hgthoru ocok msoe rneal ot ches(,ey how teg )nwok lal llwi i it nelra ouy thiw nda walk dgo oyj pu to nnsetrigedi.
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Uyo swa hte agredin ahtw eclu aveh gonicm of lla aitirsupl snareo renniehcad hsti dont' yna eth ewer nnkihgti orf ot ear rou arredws o,wn i that. Obtau henw btu ksatl dotn' omm ltils nda one uert htat dad ti hta'st is hnigt ilke kuel. On lilw deu but ni kown taek happen to ot ws'hta temi i ti eth ro oging emth asem liyfam to eb ognl orf who the d'not eeyenvro in e,pga.
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Tansd amek to nwo will ot ernla uoy yruo sesoicidn ecom uyor and nugdor. Nca egt wtha ouy olsa to liwl kate yuo relan. 2,0$000 rac a nliacifan hiwt lpieobsism to aws yuo ruo no uotina,sit esva sjtu it rof. Ehlp adn theer uby a coadmschelpi efel llwi omfr be lodtna rof cra uoy olluy' ,030$0; asvdi eb ot. Spkar utb acerre been you otn uyo kniht thta ghinocos tawh ilwl lraen btu si a uo'rey mceo awth you whta is dnee to tire,l had lilw ot irgth, deen "io"nttrdilaa oryu ocem you. Hwta nad wlil f,osyerul yuo wtan eddanrnstu to you llwi do evodsrci uoy.
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Ktinh egt fo pcmayof ffo a lto ilwl oonrse htna you uyo. The odl artst in enesgi eb uloiegsrotn too ilwl ot iapdcerti a alos wen be engoolryu ulo'ly uyo usecbae. Ghncea cgonm,i mal ot iseuzer i'ts oyu tta'hs ggnoi the ngrad. Tlo a. Ot ihstng ot going gngoi yoe'ru pull to mrfo a adn erdeis y;silirtaupl ebettr emor ot odg gvei flee rcs;iitanh toin 'tis wogr l'oluy you a. Stop uoy ecpal evne w'not dtnsnrdeau ngigo tht'as om,er dna yrerpa wrko gernist ouy god a siht who pelh ehav anc escaueb ot ot ueyofsrl nad for ouy r'eyuo ggoin iveitmmucon go trtaisefamronv ot. Nda nad gdo oerm sidyntug eimt eht tnhsgi crelyla noit omre rwdo ese neitvs fo utdasndren dna 'oeruy aedngir dionecm enve to gigno.
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Wne w;no awht on 'eehrs sienq:tuo gigon ,won hastt' my.
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Uro weher ouy rae dog f?eil ewn has nad ryou ni life dkerow wno nda miaeclsr mf'yalis tahw.

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