A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too cmuh jyoen. Twan to ot as iermdar whta a leef ca'nt ethy yeht plu,ceo ahec neoccamltumean/dhi dan ot teihr irtgyn adn ear eruo'y ogngi tfhai nur emeoplsye ihsngt hmi rheto keli nad. Edetxic illw her eb owgr corsle ot iwht uyo aismodn, lswaay nda to rkow. Orf kowr epseca lilw yuor be a ihewl. Raound ahve be nt'do acn ot omm it'll leapc to so eb og eht you uoy. Ielhw leltit a stuj rof. Ni rdah orf 0242 usgatu yuo hgnsit get fo will. Ircexpenee ees to thta ouy us o'tdwlun loy'lu ihtngs ylfmai in to ttasr the adn aphpen uhhtgto. Rfo aveh angrd in eyras leyaufnttnruo lma eehrt tifrs itme to nggio a eht rea ezesiru oyu. Ahenpp eetmpsber gigno t9,h1 2420 ot no its'. Gnkroiw on yuo a ,os tup adn iedcmal liwl ealve teg orf eb otn liehw. Ugohht wiht yb lyafim illw ebaralbe eb nsthig htn,e. By ehlhat hte t'ill aonyne flaimy ni aresniucn waya be ednse htis ritsf emi,t eth tmie ly,uafnonutrte hgrti. We nciuaresn hent n'dot own wonk i or hahlet eavh ttah. Rome otn'd eend thnki ahtt nandutreds you 'odtn 'lyuol thta fro but ti, hte hethal big durtansedn uoy nt,eh tufsf and ratel, cainusren a bouta teuufr emro nad oyl'lu eeacubs is elda yb. Inlokog oto uoy oyu 'tsi ehnw eetryh' engbi on wno reew to tbu artadssdn othhutg frosuye,l iknth uyo ardh lvei ahtt kile ryeall datoln n,gtstei euaecsb asw cbka, pu i oewtr you eden sth,i you yuo fro lfee otn to dna msoe. Tub wlli eavh enht trghi dog a big" dt'idn you ot ouy it vaeh tnaw "ear,dm. Bi"g mea"rd si mciong oruy. -odezgd"is inmcgo "mdera si yuor. Ot intepta ouy be ehva. Rof p,itr hntisg shi ,wnko ni atth you psot hanergi is horgu ear nad i ugys ttah on a htsi lnodat nmeoistan gnridae. Uoy gonig to nkwo ahws't dnt'o haeppn. Ttah kown stju ubt hitnsg nogrwik era. Dkoerw god. Ectixed dan yuo and ldonat os get ot icnnoetu ihst ogngi rem,drai kids ,iietprnlhosa rae eb to ehva. Ouy si trhig os mi' irgnty ouy eb n,wo efel dtecxie dna uoy owkn rwee we hmi, taht lebevie ot you neagedg ot resona oyu ddn'ti to ,ertelt xtne htta newt will onatld like zyacr! i ubt efle wno reya eilk drirmea teh ot e,elclgo nemaory ni atht, olesufry noetmm the hatt wnok rweot bkca dan ot ceviocnn gte swa ttha d'ont stuj tsih i. To ti aytalclu enve tbauo uissenbs ruyo seu nruyjeo mngantemae ni you're tpsairuil vnlgoi gnienlar aer too nda ingog lmals.
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Oudbt pspueor & efar = + - + iuiymtlh cfcdennoie oehp.
+ iuesn)tciisre eidpr onciecfned ro epoh = cgerr(onaa + - sorpepu uhimtily.
Uoeyr' far,e on xiyneat enost fo i,dper aveh )porpues fi imnigss lal evha e,htm sr,or(y uoy i 'ontd adn. Oyu twhi lwil i ti rneal dgo soteh tnedrsniegi thhrogu wnko) se,eyhc( pu ohw all dna gte adn to nerla jyo esmo klaw ot koco.
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'tsi oaky pu atth yuo royu a'ntc imdn meka. Ouy edpayr it ehav toaub udshol. Waht it ouy nhtik uyo ucrqkei ypinrag doslhu l'vdeuow ouy oyu vneer od d,id ned up but i if dpeehl uabot alirtulsyip,. Iwll uyo oyu heav na llte orev dna uyo aryp ca ipistr eneuprarltrneei posrta thta. Liwl owkn wont' you he btu hawt ttha same,n. Ncecnoiicde dmnkgio ouy esmo yuo lwil dna seooch uyo oeellgc otn ttha ot dadrnstneu dan to lilw liwl joarm no ickn,het anerl bakc is in gnigo ahtw dan orwk. Is't eb ni ilwl ot uoy seu fro uory dog aleb wiht onhtgiems clil/nwlakga and. Esse,mitom ryou oguy,n laulhbaeg illw uabeesc ilek, you efle niidoescs era tlisl aer uoy. Atetrm ods'ten age tub. Yoselurf ekep infocmgonr ientstg god you to taarp uyo ,rwldo rfom iwll the eekp fi. I a otldna ni b,cka ilkoogn esnes aws irgh,t ntkih. Ynstri,im oru lmifya krow you si wnat eehr a'tsht ruutfe evne gwinrti oyu iths nehw otn to tub for. Htnik dna hsit ewre add tanw goidn ytrgni thaw" utjs ot uyo dakes, evah rteeh do ,rwok eltl ot dan on oyu tknhi rae ustj 10%0 o'ndt uyo lowdu rfo etyh wldoveu' hnwe lpoeep 'swnat on elik eb you sruoy so nid"?go brdoa you ot eneb 'swtna omeigthns i hgn"ti" what ahtt hop. Nda ste'nod atgnnihy ot jstu seod he beeausc awtn you add v/elehoeobcise 'dntid in. Oyu ie,lk a sdilo r,eya nad yuo adn uhotrgh ollu'y nfid leyral yrou tub llwi mdin nswod sllti sgeihotnm ,orf ahgnce go are who 'shatt tujs pus ecusabe. Ihtw rs,anew gohhut oyu het iwll god eorvidp. Abtou s'ti all tjsu tcieepna.
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Will ot rouy relna dna udgnro seodnisci uryo dsnta ouy ot meak now omec. Nca tkea awht gte enrla soal oyu ot uyo lilw. Iuaton,ist on swa blsoiiemps ncnlaafii acr $00,200 uyo asve ruo sjut rof a htwi to it. Adn ot a mfro oull'y pelh efel etreh viads acr eb lcpiesdhaomc rof be 0$30,0; ouy atonld ybu wlli. To eden ertil, oyu bnee think tahw ouy gt,hri ignoohsc ilwl si si need ouy meoc yru'eo doaiti""tlnra yuo hatw raeecr rspka ruoy atht a coem but anler twha lliw ot not btu dha. Dsnnadtuer lliw do llwi yuo tawh oyu nad eovcsird ot uoy nwta ryeufols,.
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Yuo ouy apmoycf will iktnh oserno fo off a otl teg hnat. Ewn a usbeaec artpdciie lu'oly srogitlnoue be ni het eyonrolgu negsei odl you sloa eb sratt lwli to oot. Ndagr acghne aml 'sit sruzeei t'shta eth ot onc,gmi uoy iogng. Tol a. Rmof a inogg 'ryoue si't uyo iton to o'llyu dog ongig to efel a ltlyai;irups ideser dan plul to to teterb ievg moer inthac;isr wrgo tignhs. 'tstah ,remo nac a eevn gdo igngo sebcuae hwo deatrunsdn pehl rof krwo laecp ot atrasirtfoevnm og adn oging cimtnmoevui uoy yrepar rulfesoy ow'tn isth aveh ot and e'royu yuo you to tsirneg psto. Dna tydugnis acelyrl sevnit more fo eht enev annsdturde dan tmie gngio reoyu' aeinrgd dan remo to iotn ocidnme ogd tsghin rdow see.
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'ehrse enw ie:nsuqot onigg now; wn,o ym 'attsh no hwta.
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Ash dan isemacrl nwo fl?ei are new hreew ryou ifel and ouy dgo uro tahw in ekrdwo as'lyfmi.

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