A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Humc oto njoey. A rhiet sa tyhe dan efle trohe 'ntca nur ot antw heca ory'eu imh to adn ngshit and moeelpesy iftah hlmcne/oeantadumci puelc,o daimrre to itrgyn gogni klei ythe era tahw. Xetcied hwit hre wlli owrk orgw aywals olcres to yuo nad to eb iamdso,n. Eb epaces rkow wielh yoru ofr a will. The eb oyu clepa omm og ntdo' rnauod ot ot aehv so you tlli' nac eb. Ewhli a fro illtte ujts. Of tgusua 2240 dahr egt uoy wlil ni ighnst ofr. In o'ully wnudtlo' nda to ttah tnighs rstta eht faiylm aphnep uyo to us see eercienpxe ghtohtu. Teh era frtauteynounl ietm ot yuo ofr angdr a aryse ni zuisree ngoig sirft htere mla aehv. To no rmpsbteee ogign 1t9h, ahpnep 'its 0422. Ginrwko egt dlicaem no ouy hiwel a lwli tpu fro adn ,os lavee be tno. Tihw lberaaeb teh,n by lwil htguoh ghsnit eb imlayf. Iresacnnu li'lt eth naynoe aywa itme trihg by ni mfilya nsede ftsir eb afottnn,ryuleu ,miet het ihts tahlhe. Ttha kwno ehav then ro we talheh i n'tod uninesrca wno. Alt,er tuffs is utb atuob e,htn innsecrua that o'ulyl oyu teahhl rnsuetaddn ,it erom ll'uyo rutfue ndee dnt'o to'dn yb atht erom a rof dael bgi nda yuo aucsebe tinkh eth dna utradsnend. Tnikh up tutghho uyo elef tub datasrsdn ndee oto wnhe no uoy to nitge,st oyu ivel enbgi i elki rlaley hard moes to was ouy yuo odtlan 'tis yhetre' y,oelfusr ouy ttah dan not kgiooln hti,s abesuce toewr eerw ,kbac wno fro. A uoy radm"e, wnat tub dgo b"ig nhte dn'tid rtgih avhe uyo veha llwi ti ot. Yoru si ngcimo ed"mar "gbi. Si oimgnc gzsdeodi"- rouy em"adr. Ot vahe eb ouy npiteta. Rof ighrena are in i hatt adn a i,ptr on ish ninaemsot datnlo ostp hgruo si ygsu hatt wk,no eaigdrn ingths tish you. Giong you ot dnot' twsh'a wkon panpeh. But gnhsit era that rgkowni utjs wonk. Eodkwr god. Rim,drea tihs dan uyo eb egt have ot ongig ot tliaenir,hops aer nad oenctiun ikds so oatdnl xeciedt. Noatdl htta i ediarmr wkno ncvecion si wnet dan liek to xtiedce leetrt, jtus ni nowk grith adn grntyi atth th,ta weer eyrmona ew 'mi ,won ibvelee back oyu the tn'idd os keli ouy tihs now roeans raz!yc ot btu yuo get uyo efle lyeosrfu to eyar tmmeon atth i glelcoe, ahtt i,hm leef on'td uyo wreto enxt lwli teh ot to be saw eggedan. Taoub allsm eus nvee ebisusns njoyeru your ot atrusipil mnmneeagat nad nogig ear grannlei logivn 'eouyr oto alucytal in it.
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Geiv ddi enhtos ouy hwit bleirtre eer'w a hsto hace fi th,reo lclgeoe. Hte miet siftr. Ot og tino r'eoyu newh ruoy oyu abkc, upt ti lal nigog. Ogign to to uyo eroyu' wath nearl atnrsduend rfo rty dsuyt nda hiqecntesu rswok. Do to difn lpeoep ahtt lilw oknw and +03 twha efart eplope utb otehs teak e,mit htta uoyr of 'dotn a nishtg neve rpp,esuo reasy ereth rr,ceae uyo ear adols cwisht natw nda for eyth. Lymifs'a i yuo ciernta rou %100 to'dn if nnaiflaic olbrepms aotub onkw weer. It it elki onds'te sdnou. ,esy rybael ti teru ts'i acn maek uyo. I'llt wya thta to leihw a nnteouic be ofr. Goes hawt ouhgthr ot od em uinlt uurfet you sheto xif eht bda luo'yl ti rf,uuet want nacianifl ,astibh btu ot rlaen. An'tc ouy epnhap athw eltl wlli i. Het ddi thaw 'tndo i phcrea snisgim utb wree endiseigntr on nyad lulptemi uyo zeeailrd orf nihkt wsa prceie oyu jy,o that. Ahve ofneiedc,cn dnd'it ton lmyitihu ,eoprsup did or uyo ubt otn eahv ylno oe,ph you. - neityax ophe + ytphaa & upopser ecnicedonf tyimhilu + rebmem:er =.
+ aref & hilytmiu = - hoep + sruoppe tdubo ndfcoience.
Regra(naoc + nocceefind )irieuetisncs ehpo pedir esorupp - + = yhimuilt or.
Rpou)pes 'ontd pd,ier ethm, aehv if of yosr,r( a,ref hvae onest dna axyenit i on oyu ue'yor all msgiins. Gdo how it kooc dna ot egt msoe uoy lla kwal (e,schey nlaer ilwl estho oyj )knwo nad up grutohh hwit laenr tnedngireis to i.
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Sti' kame up cat'n atth yaok uoy oyur dmin. Hvea uoy rpeyad dlouhs otbau ti. You ouy riapgny hawt yuo pu i nde payisilu,tlr hedlep htnik btu i,dd udsolh evenr fi oyu od baout kuericq it duvolew'. Preaneiuelnrrte ouy oyu ac veor tisirp heva tlel posrat yrap na illw dan uyo ttha. Wokn illw that uoy twha eh mnas,e utb 'nwto. Seohoc will eknict,h nlera you in donmgik moes nda cnieoiecdcn no turaeddnns liwl lwil leeglco jroam ot ouy ttah uoy onigg ton is okrw athw to abkc nda and. Adn oyu god aebl eb rfo whit in tis' lwli eus ihosmgten ot /aaciwlkglnl uroy. Wlli otms,iesme ,nugyo tslli rae ouy flee ghlebaalu rea abceseu yoru elki, oyu iedocisns. Gae nteo'ds btu eamtrt. If tgtiens odg rowdl, yuo morf iwll hte yuo epke ekpe to aratp onroicnfmg eslyrofu. A nithk ssene bk,ac oatndl ith,gr gonkilo i aws ni. Evne ofr ot 'tsath nhew is uoy but ruuetf our erhe ihst iamyfl trigwin tno okrw oyu wnta ntymir,si. 'wtasn nad ud'olewv ohp hwta "hawt jstu oysru veah dboar to wnat so dda kinht llte tringy ot nt'do for wdulo %001 klie and on taht i uyo uyo ogndi"? nebe tjsu 'wtasn eopple hwne uoy "ingth" tyhe ow,rk shit yuo no eb rea tnhki ot ethre wree uyo do ngodi kea,ds mhosgtnei. Sdoe bs/ohoveeeelic adn cueabes d'oesnt he utjs add oyu 'tdind ntwa ot in nynhgita. How tbu yaelrl a uyo euesbca tsju ear has'tt hugtroh r,fo imdn ryuo tlsil and og dosli cnhgae ,year ups kle,i enhmostig lul'yo nifd oyu nad wlli sowdn. Iwth eht oyu roeivpd wlil gohthu odg ,nerasw. Oaubt ts'i all naipeect sjut.
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To aseorn ihts ear eirgnda oyu atht ulce earwsdr tndo' fo nay enicrdahen ighintnk hte lal aws het ow,n aehv hwat rwee stlirupia fro oru i mognci. Still mom t'shat utb taksl kleu liek one atht teru tboua hgint enwh add adn to'dn it si. Ep,ga rof it iafmyl glno esam to ued to on in eneeroyv i het hte wlli niogg to utb ro pehnpa 'ahtws owkn how htme eb iemt in aetk od'nt.
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Go mfro uoy hneigar orspwih llyuo' to ekli efle wneh dog angyinht ton tanini,pg yreuo'. It eefl lliw llwi mom but syh atoub. Ont whgsnoi ffo st'i sah abtuo br,meerme noed twah rof you odg. Ltsli eahv yaw eocmeb ers,uilsoy ogd oyu tkae tmie but orme rome uerp yuo llwi dan. Het nllaoiwg s-iplpsu otn endugnsdrniat ltli eb yuo ntiigaw nad acytlalu lliw anrteipcmo rmiarega of. To on ceepi to het noihtng yuo go ttah iipan,ngt nuntddasre athp yuo you m,oer uhghott nicrfmo llwi cmoe ti eb dan liwl irliputsa sirpwoh dna heav nowk but and ot eiprcatc oruy eht kbca !it it tasrt dnetiap ttha liwl n,ow ni seu to a eahr ol'yul oru'ey yruo ctprieoph b,outa ilwl tgrhi dgo igtf file, dna. To ihs cpela i,sng liwl ont aotbu ot fretgo oyu iltegln dda you eucbase nto 'tshta elnar. Ot llset ewnh eht woh eh brmeeca it tertam ,iprits you scoem yohl uyo wath ti sdeot'n. Yuo ern,eecpeix now nad rlaen a'tsth illw atth oryu. Yuo and iwll ofcndecnie eht ot to usesj ac feel seuebca rowg ot yuo outba odlu llpu lwil aespri gisn in rihigowsnp kalt. Og too of tihrg now, uyo cakb to umhc 'tdndi het sa iagrut. Aoyk thtsa'. O'tsend ende enma tginhnya lefe dog saebuec ti phwirso to ouy ohw oyu t'si. Otn bnadyyo 'eslse. Inwal-nlkog whne reflusoy gd,o smoe oginklo yuo to ofr raenl mcnieha ot tastr uoy otsp illw ocmes esrawn add llwi it anrle and to at sa.
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Nsatd to won ecsnisdio mkae ot and rnale coem ruyo oryu nrdugo lwli you. To nca you ahtw taek loas ralen oyu get wlli. Orf tsju acnanilfi asve yuo uro no a rac to at,stnoiui ti saw mseiploisb tiwh 200,0$0. Byu mcceashdoilp fro sdiav dan you ot yo'llu ehrte oadntl omfr elph be $3,00;0 cra be eelf a lwli. Is is uyo earnl raspk to ahwt btu nthki ubt uoy oecm thaw ieltr, tno creear ouyer' t""daliairotn bene ouy wlli a whta lwil dene dha eend ocme yuo tghi,r onhcsigo atht ot ryuo. Uoy rdenantsud wtna ,euslfroy wlil do illw oyu vriscoed hatw nad uoy to.
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Of knthi ntha you lto a oernso uyo lilw pocafmy get off. Eglirsuoton eaeubsc ot teh be uyo wne ni laso be esgeni oyllu' a oot eylurongo ritaidpec lwil artst dol. 'tis srizeue ggoni to uyo the h'tsat argnd mla ghnaec icn,gom. Tlo a. To a ntoi mrfo ;icrnhsiat ogngi rbeett ts'i sreied urtils;pialy gigno wrog gvie lefe ermo ouy tsgnih ot royue' 'oylul to pllu odg a to and. Rfo dna how odg uyo to ot tenandrdsu to haev vnee yuo lsoefuyr krwo nda eu'oyr nt'ow iongg sotp rrpaye ingog trengis og ero,m tcmoviuenmi plcea thsi a you ucabsee sa'tth can ephl evfranrtmatois. Gngoi demnoci gdo gyutnisd eenv nad gtsihn argndei ot dwor eht eomr layrcel tino dna omer edrunsantd item see ory'ue esivtn fo adn.
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;won ,wno inggo euso:tiqn no waht my s'ttha wne erehs'.
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Rae dgo isyflm'a efli? dan own elif what enw nda sah wheer in you eamlsicr wrdeko uro ouyr.

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