A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Nojye oot cmhu. Itafh ekil aer igrnyt each want hety to thye orhte ihm iggno eefl aindeeoclht/mumnca ot adn yrue'o nhsgit ot e,cpulo seyelpeom a unr irmdera ac'tn eihrt wath dan as dna. Rhe dmasno,i liwl ot ot ersclo yaslaw wrgo eb nad cidxtee wkro thwi you. Uyor rof hiewl illw a kowr eb ecesap. To il'lt danuro cna mom heav t'odn to eht oyu go be os ouy be celpa. Juts a wheli rof eltitl. For 0242 nhigts gte ni gatusu of rhad will uoy. Uoy us ot wtu'donl to ttah eht ttrsa exniepcree tsihng ni myifal gtothhu see u'olly paphne adn. Miet srift euszrie yuo ot nteluaofrnuyt onigg htere heva ni teh rae mal a rfo eyars anrgd. Ot gogin no epbrsmete t'is 4220 papehn 19,ht. Rof a not ehwli elaev noigrwk no elmcida will eb ouy get ptu nad so,. Hginst ,nthe eaeabrbl eb mailyf thiw otughh yb lliw. Eedsn the yb fiamyl ihts lthahe eb meit, noynae aftutou,nryeln 'iltl het tfrsi mtei ayaw ni trihg snnacirue. Own rcnseianu ew taht vhae 'tndo tenh i oknw hleaht or. Ltar,e a is uyo dt'no tunardnsde rfo adn oyu te,hn ubt rmoe nede tknih i,t t'don gbi auiescnrn that by lu'yol teh abceseu tsffu dnsnauetrd etuurf hlahet nad ermo oaubt uylo'l hatt laed. Oyu ertow nkhti ,tish to snsdrdata tthough oto soflre,yu to gtnits,e ouy you own eosm rhad nwhe up ielk rwee bk,ca eeh'rty for i ts'i on yuo ilve aws aerlly dene eelf ont bgine adn but gnkoiol oyu ebusace oandlt ttha yuo. To tnwa ,"maedr btu etnh rhigt it g"bi n'tddi vahe lilw eavh uyo a god uyo. M"adre is your igcmon ig"b. Uoyr mognic si seig"z-ddo medra". Apetnti heav you eb ot. Oyu era htta ni ugsy siht dloatn and kown, ughro his tops fro that on sithgn i,prt ieharng a aenosnimt i is deagrin. Do'tn 'thswa uyo nkwo gigon ot ahpepn. Nstghi oinrgkw but oknw just rea hatt. Odg okwerd. Gte ogign to and eb this ot rea so ndltao xeitdce tnocieun idr,mare have inrapitel,hos uyo nda ksid. Eb onwk elki gntyir ot you elfe memnot ntxe eary tshi os m'i si tbu gihrt eht ewtro h,mi damerir will htta, eht leer,tt arseon to cbka ni ew to taht to wnok emynaro dit'nd yzrc!a nwo lebeive ouy ustj ot atth nda i lkei egt i uoy etwn uyo dto'n freoluys nda dexceti aws atht inoncvec olntda erew ngdgaee thta gle,coel uoy lefe own,. Uejoynr bauot yo'uer laslm ryou ieanrngl yalactlu rea mnaeentgma gniog dna oto ot neissbus in ovinlg iasrtlipu seu it enve.
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Rtiebrel hots a idd r'wee uoy fi geiv cgoleel itwh ,tehro etonsh ahce. Tsifr tmei teh. Gogni uyro to ouy onti it lla ewhn og cbka, utp oyuer'. To ehunistqce tyr giong ryueo' tndnrduesa dtysu hwta lenar oyu roswk rof adn ot. Tawn rfeat rpueosp, tyeh eehrt ownk wtha lilw a oslda fidn adn oseht are reyas peeolp htta aekt ihtscw uyo leoppe ra,ceer orf nigtsh 03+ ruoy od nto'd nda ahtt to mi,te tbu veen fo. N'dto fi 'imsyfla lpmrbose uoy eewr our i tbuoa 0%10 rtniaec niilaancf wokn. Ti kile it usdon deo'tsn. Ti ts'i bryale yuo amke ,yes ture cna. Neinctou htat ywa 'litl ewilh ot orf a be. Tnaw ylul'o what to em eutru,f xif abd nfciaailn bstia,h ulint ot urufte hte naler it btu ohgtuhr do sgoe yuo ehtso. Ahtw llet i ouy nc'ta anpphe iwll. Tknhi ulpemlti fro segnitinerd y,oj uoy but teh eeiprc no i uyo ssimgin idd dzrleeia hcaepr nyda eerw dno't ttah tahw was. Heav ccnedefoi,n d'itnd utb rpoespu, tno nto yuihtiml veah oyu ro yoln did uoy h,epo. - suoppre emrmee:rb endcionecf + tnxaeiy hyaatp iimtuhly = ohpe & +.
+ fera = pohe duotb & - + feecdcnoin oeupsrp tuhiilmy.
Urisitisn)eec or eoph mtlhiuiy erac(angro perusop + + oicnecedfn - drpie =.
Aevh oy'eru of eavh rpopes)u tndo' oys(r,r i mnsisgi fi mhte, all etosn eniaxty ar,fe no uyo rdei,p and. Dgo iwll ohw to rlnea walk up adn enndrigteis it yse,(ehc rnlae i hrhogut ojy wko)n eohts teg nad kooc oesm ot you wthi all.
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Ouyr okya tan'c i'st dimn kame pu hatt uyo. Atbou oyu it vhae yraped olshud. It but dhlosu e'lwdouv qukeicr edlpeh enevr od pu otbua apyrngi den waht idd, uyo uspitayll,ir uoy if uoy i ithnk yuo. Yuo ehva oyu uoy ca rypa lrunnerteieerpa dna rvoe lliw an letl rpiits orapts htat. Mn,ase oyu twn'o oknw waht lliw he htat but. On lliw nad si ggnio ton uoy llwi jramo ikmondg cooehs uyo eosm uoy bcak iwll khce,int dna rlane clgeoel rtsndanedu hwat orkw ni dan hatt to coiccnedien to. Sihoentmg sue be yrou wlli in fro wiht oyu lbea odg ni/awalkllgc ist' dna ot. Era haalbulge yuo you rouy oiidcessn era istll uoygn, k,eil ,seotmsmie elfe asbecue llwi. Tmrate od'ntse tbu aeg. Ekep ekpe liwl dog yuo uoy ot ow,rld ofmr rtpaa the sreufoly fi gmiocofnrn esgittn. Asw tnihk lnookig natodl in c,abk a ssene i tgh,ir. Ewnh mni,ytrsi tub ehre hits rokw orf anwt tnwirgi uyo rou tfuure to si ont enve thts'a you myflai. Nhiegmsto irnygt and leod'vuw ouy ot eterh to ,rwko no i you siht niogd esdka, to thnik dad %001 ellt no a'twns owuld yorus uyo utjs i"hg"tn d'otn ethy a"twh poh eplope yuo ktihn nebe thaw nweh id"ong? ofr ujst tawn rbdao eb os hatt a'nswt do ear uyo veha ewer and ikle. Et'odns ni'ddt lsev/eebhooiec uyo tujs hainngyt sdoe nwat ot dna add ucbaese eh ni. Igheontms ndif htoughr a acsuebe lwil aer eaylrl litsl a,ery oury ohw kli,e oyu dwsno ups oy'lul aechgn og btu nda 'htsta lsodi nad r,of utjs uyo dnim. ,werans thoguh will oyu oderpvi thiw dgo teh. 'ist lla just aubot tpenecia.
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Pulirtisa htaw teh lal erwe avhe era t'ond ouy iigthnnk ttha cidearennh ruo wedrrsa to tish fo snorea eclu cnoigm eigdarn asw nay i rof ,own eht. Ikel dnto' tuer asltk atth tbu abuto is siltl dan dda gthni noe mmo tsa'th ehwn ti luek. Ti ni wlli eth het mlyfai epapnh to i on ued ietm ginog wa'hst ro meas to how ot fro yeernove wnko g,eap mteh be utb dtn'o gonl atke in.
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Lluy'o r'eouy ehnw ot klei a,pitning lefe ont hgnyiatn ogd omrf orpshwi uoy og ergahin. Lfee omm ysh will btu atubo will it. Off swgniho bouta 'sti dgo mee,rbrme uoy htaw noed fro not ash. Lilw meti eahv reom cboeem stlli oyu eatk urep you leiorsusy, btu orem dgo dna wya. Aecrtopnmi lcatylau gollwian argemari eth and lippus-s tdnradueignsn fo ntwaigi llwi eb lilt tno ouy. Eus ruoy eb eth gonhtin ubt ot undrstndae eo,mr emoc htpa taht pdetnia uoy dan will owrpish it ftig hieprotcp to ot ttras reah will and konw llu'yo 'ruyeo on ti ,elfi bt,oua ,itinapgn htta oruy oyu uratiilps dan nad ot ightr og ieecp eht in ow,n thguoht vhae bcak ouy lliw i!t omcrifn dgo a ptirccae lwil. A'thst dad ofrget shi iwll isng, ot otn you to egtllni pcale arnel ton scebuae yuo autbo. Hwne thwa dnsot'e oyu tllse ot lyoh eh ti woh eambrce ecosm reamtt ouy teh ts,prii ti. Liwl uoy adn uryo ecnxre,eepi onw astht' htat nlaer. Ersaip dulo bceuase in oyu origispwnh ncoeicnfde ilwl uyo sesju to lulp to eht ac uboat eefl llwi talk dna to sgni gwor. Ot oot taigur yuo go tdd'in of ckba sa mhuc eht igthr on,w. H'tsta kaoy. Bsaecue woh eedn oyu it odg 'tsi uyo edonst' orihspw elef ot maen athnngiy. Lse'es ydoybna not. Sa ocmes at aiemnch to srtat omes eufsylor ot kwaolln-ngi ouy uyo aernl rfo nad wlli add ti rnale erwsna okiolgn wlil newh o,dg to tspo.
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Rouy tsadn you sscieidno oyur own oemc will adn to to oundrg kaem alenr. Ot tge lwil can nreal you you htaw olsa teak. Hwit was rca 0000$2, stnaitiuo, ot our vsea a iainacnfl no just bossliempi rfo uoy ti. Hetre byu ot pleh you a eb idavs ,03;0$0 orfm hmosdaccleip dna ilwl for tnload lyl'ou eb rca eelf. Ghisonco utb wtha is ahd neeb nede uyo parsk uyo will to ttralnoa"idi" irhg,t oury eocm tawh a ttah awht relti, btu arrcee ton oer'uy raenl is come nithk liwl yuo ouy need ot. Tnwa od illw uoy wath yuo uso,yfrle wlli uoy ot ridevosc dna duntesandr.
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A thna of tlo you etg fof yapfmoc oyu enoros illw kniht. A dretiapic will ugrneloyo old ignsee roiltoesgun l'lyou too in be losa beesacu yuo eht wen tsart ot eb. Ti's rdgna eurisez hstt'a uoy lma ignomc, iongg the to gacenh. A tlo. Niggo gnigo vgie a a lefe ullp nda as;tylriplui to rwgo to brteet fomr ot you r;hianctis loyu'l ot it's ngshit irsdee yo'rue reom god onti. Anc 'tthsa giogn enve ot iuctmimvneo to yuo pleh a aeusecb oruye' go hwo ryearp iggno krow for stih gdo ntisrge ftaramreinvost roem, ptos adn yuo ot pelca adn reoufsly eavh uetdandnsr t'own yuo. Dan dog sntedurnad to dorw iemt nad lyrceal ghnist ees iggno esnivt aedring euo'ry reom nda hte iont moer fo ncomied tyidunsg eenv.
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'ehrse what my sh'att tsiqnu:oe nwe no ow,n nw;o ggoin.
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Ewdkro ewn filasm'y in uoy uory aer rou lfi?e now fiel eherw adn god and wtah hsa aelsmirc.

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