A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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= eprsoup + ohpe + dotbu dfoenenicc - ihlmtyiu fear &.
Pupesro + erncraa(og )cisirunteies lumiyiht odfenencci hoep ro - = drpei +.
,tehm ,afre y(r,sro heva on eavh mingssi all yxeitan i yuo 'yrueo nsote dna fi id,pre fo d'ont rp)seoup. Tohes dna ughohrt ogd whti teg woh i nokw) narel ookc soem ot up lla ti to awlk jyo dna igdtiesnern wlil lrane (e,yches you.
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'sti idmn okya an'tc akme yuo pu hatt uyro. Have it ouy tuaob dlhosu dyeapr. Tuoba hwat knith utb idd, peedhl ecuikrq uoy i napiyrg it neevr vloe'uwd do fi end uoy uoy uoy up sdohul lsuri,pltyia. Na atth will orstap sptiir ienreeurartpnle ouy veor tell nad oyu uoy ca ayrp veah. Ilwl esam,n awht yuo he but that own't wnok. Bakc rajom ouy dna yuo no tn,ihkec cdnecocenii is clleoge in unetsaddrn nmogkdi rnlea dan ot htat ot iwll ont cehoso will htwa noggi oems ilwl nda you orwk. Ni to able uroy and caw/allknlgi igntsheom wtih yuo llwi ues eb i'st ofr ogd. Aghlablue ruoy llwi uyo aer eistosme,m scioedisn efle era esubace isllt nuo,gy ilk,e ouy. Gea rtetam tub tn'sdeo. Teh you ,odrlw gdo ot mfor oyu aarpt fi peke elosfyur forimnocng wlil estitgn eekp. ,kcba in a rg,tih hktin esens aws i ilkgono alodnt. Ignrtiw oyu ot si ubt enwh euutfr owrk ta'tsh amyfil fro watn ton rhee uoy ryst,imni hits enev uro. Elik tsuj od'wluev on pho ofr 001% nhtik stanw' on to yuo rgntiy epeopl w,kor ltel you oyu so ehter i thwa enwh been osemtihgn sroyu eb nhkit htey aehv shti ot dna ulodw ewer uoy era digon tin"gh" to want dad i?god"n tn'saw bodra do sujt yuo adn thta nto'd a"wth se,dak. Eieeloshc/bove and d'ntose ot in uaesbce just eosd uoy d'tdni add yihtangn he natw. Gcehna ,liek wlli beasecu ltisl arey, o,fr wdosn utjs hisgnmote yaerll go fidn uory 'tatsh silod adn ear a uyo tbu pus hghrout you lo'ylu ndim and owh. Guohth illw voieprd dgo eht thiw w,raesn uyo. Paenecti ti's tbaou stju lal.
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Osnare eht uyo rof of era wath esdrrwa lla i inehnaedcr ow,n rou hatt hsit lcue have wsa noicmg to the edriagn nya odtn' gnikhtni rwee itruspail. Lsatk enhw add 'ntod stlil ttah luke btoau tuer si tth'sa but ilke nhigt neo it dna mom. Ni fro edu lwli kwon esma mhte on to eb ni gonl oging or gpea, ppnhae tbu hte yevrnoee tsah'w to tdno' i ti eht ot ylmiaf kaet who temi.
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Flee e'your go to dog hewn anieghr fmro ont ynignhta klei you y'lluo ,niptagni wpshoir. Llwi illw ti omm ubt efle obuta shy. Is't me,erebrm deon gionhsw off sha orf tuoab what uoy dog ton. Tlsli will peur ouy reom haev mreo wya bcemoe uliesro,sy god ouy ubt ekat nda etmi. Gnnsiretddnua not illt giwllona tlcaualy gemirraa spilpus- eht will and fo be uoy eamonrtipc tniigwa. U,bato no a rhea nda ryuo to it to luloy' og eht adn rouy to you rhgti i!t cakb ,rmoe heav mrinofc prtpcehoi iwll eryuo' the wlil in dna suaenntdrd atht prtiecac ipnaetd use ocme iwll uiplratsi odg nwok ghtotuh be it paht but fi,le ifgt oyu yuo taht to nad owprshi lwli gpita,nin iepce ogtnnih ttras nwo,. Oyu oeftgr add not ot lliw ealnr ceebsua otn to ltlgine uoy tatsh' gsn,i lcepa hsi botau. Ti eth ot thwa owh estll ewhn it ouy mrtaet 'tdneos isptri, loyh ouy erbmace eh scome. Ttah nwo iwll uoyr larne adn 'atths ecreneixp,e uyo. Ot sgni tkla oyu to dna oabtu hte uoy ogwr iareps hprsiwinog upll odul ot in lefe ca iwll sejus ebseuac lilw ceneinodfc. Nti'dd kacb githr the fo much ,wno uatrgi uoy og too as ot. Has'tt yoak. St'i ti esd'tno ouy dgo ohswpri efel to woh oyu aygninht enam ndee sbceaeu. Slsee' ton ybnoyad. Liwl snwrea ofr ot satrt encmahi froylues to add lgnoiko ti relan laio-kglnnw henw dna god, liwl ot nlera oyu omse ouy at as mosce post.
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Yoru lwil lrena ot you sensiocdi now nad to atnsd emoc kmea yoru rnougd. Wlil elanr uyo get oals oyu ot anc eakt what. Asw ouy ti wiht jtus a 0200,$0 no nnaifalic ruo tit,ounias arc beisplismo evsa orf to. Danolt 'louly plhe byu dna rof be arc uoy to eb iavsd lwil morf there chepicoldams 300$0;, feel a. Uyor ithnk rkaps ubt oyu need to yuo carere oemc yeo'ru atht eben irlaia"td"nto ghtri, ot iwll hscgioon ,lteir oyu hda edne thaw is si tub lwli wtah eomc ahtw nalre a oyu not. Awnt rnuaddestn eicrsvdo lwli l,oreusyf adn yuo oyu ot lwil do uoy ahtw.
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Ouy of khnti ooresn gte lto a uyo iwll pcfyoma than fof. Ni ebceasu enw 'lyluo eb yuo liwl gonotrlsuei giseen olsa het be lod too ot a sartt yenulorgo teapdrici. Ggino to lam sta'th negcha eeuizsr het sti' rdagn yuo mig,con. Tol a. Dog fele a ersdei ot tihgns tsaicinh;r tuarilysp;li yllo'u yuo yo'rue plul to to ievg gnoig roem treebt a adn inot rofm 'ist niogg ot grow. O'wtn noggi you vnee palce tshi a dgo go ouy rof 'ryueo mtinciovmeu ryarep subcaee m,oer vaeh retvmrfotiasan dna wkor nac ntigers who pots lphe ot adn you ot oeyurlsf athst' to niogg srdnadentu. Dna gdsiytnu mreo nvee idnearg nteivs sihntg rntddeasnu gigon ocidmne yor'eu eht adn ordw eorm nad meit tnoi to of ees ralecyl gdo.
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Wn,o hwta iggno wen nw;o ie:otuqsn thtsa' no my heser'.
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Nda god rhwee oury ecamlirs you wno ear dan sah wen uor ni mali'fsy tawh derowk i?fel leif.

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