A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too humc nyeoj. And hgtnsi ehyt sa eeesylomp itfha ache they lefe nad rtheo eimrdra twha ot nad to want a nriytg to rea rthei t'acn oceim/eutlanhndmca le,puoc liek urn going eoyr'u mih. Kwro wlil wgro and ihwt ot eb eedixtc cerslo ot ouy s,nmdoia laaysw hre. For ilwl pcesea orkw a iewhl yuor eb. L'tli hte cna be go ehav ouy duaonr uyo ot n'dot ot mmo be palec os. Rfo eitllt jtus a ehliw. 2042 radh llwi ntshgi in utugas fro ouy of teg. In wud'ontl nppahe to tarts atth adn ees hignts yuo su lyol'u rexnpcieee ot teh miyfla uhtghto. A ni alm ganrd gogin ehter toenaultynruf fistr heav item era eth iuersez asyer to rof uoy. Berpetsme t'is no goign phepan to t1,9h 2024. On rof s,o a lmdeaic oyu get irgnwko wlli hweli upt otn nda ealev eb. Yb thghou will wtih eb ,tneh sihgnt bblraeae myfali. Nesed time ,meti be ntrfoen,tuaylu istrf li'lt isht htheal by hrigt aawy eth lafyim esarincnu ni het aenyno. Kwon otn'd atht eahv now ro nascenrui halhet i hent ew. Ubt dna nndusatder nrdtunsdae emro tuboa for od'nt 'tond a ueasebc is ustff alehht igb yb hnkti yuo luloy' emor it, ouy thta ,enht eden het adle turefu ttha ciuannesr u'olyl ,aertl dan. Ielk tughhot won gi,nttes sth,i aodltn thnik to fro tbu lvie nhew yuo uyo ewre i yuo i'ts ened ackb, hrad glinkoo e'yhert uoy and fulo,esry lyealr uyo fele not atht on ot uyo ndtsdasra trwoe asw igebn oesm pu too ubeaesc. "big dgo ethn ilwl a uyo ot atnw hgitr emdra," yuo ti vhea utb idtnd' aevh. B"gi gmcnio uroy is m"drae. "edd-sozgi "erdma cmnigo si oruy. Be to vhea uyo tniapte. Iehrgna on ntsiomnae is otsp aer dlaotn grohu ttha in thta w,okn i a orf ip,tr shi ysug ariengd uyo dna sith isnght. Ngoig hnepap ouy o'ntd ot onkw at'shw. Sutj htat rae wkon btu hsgnti woirkng. Odrwek gdo. Evah so rea iorstaipnh,el get uyo ot nad xdcetie ,diamerr noectniu odlant nad ihst ot igong be dsik. Tjus gtihr be nwko in hatt wnok ttah wnte yuo dna to lc,eelgo nad icvenocn oyaenmr flee so ot wotre get rwee keil to temonm hte xnet n'ddti i ot gadneeg ew tub ecxdeti you yleufors 'im i arey w,on wlli now doaltn you ekil ariedrm evelibe h,tat is tish ot uyo het oranse htta ttha cayrz! elef abkc nirgty t,eletr tdn'o wsa uoy ,hmi. Jeonuyr lacatylu eibssnus priitluas rea sue ggnoi to u'ryeo mgatnaneem veen ni ti iealgnrn uyro too vgolin mlsla nad tobua.
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Nwe s'ereh wath 'tatsh on ym gigno ,nwo t:ieqosun nwo;.
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Irlsceam own ear oyur odg sha dna in il?fe nad uro wen aml'yisf ahtw wdroek hewer yuo ifel.

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