A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hcum jynoe oot. Tehy mopeelsey an'ct hmi etihr and nrityg to to yhet elef a sa keli opeulc, nleiunchcmda/oaetm era rnu aceh dna ehtro eimrard ot tsignh watn atwh ouyer' dna ggnoi aihft. Be lsoecr okrw lwli ithw uoy nad xeietdc to walsya wgor to dnsioma, rhe. Lilw a ehilw eb apecse ofr yoru kwor. Hte you itl'l be ehva roaund be go ot ealpc so dn'to oyu ot omm can. Usjt elwih for a itllet. Gstinh 2042 in utagsu yuo rof will rhad fo teg. Ot ouy tath ees ot tughtoh udtol'nw nad tstra amlfyi higstn rcexieneep ni us peahnp oul'yl eth. Tsfir sarey ni lma haev orf eht nnlfouuryetta zrsueie yuo ngigo a ot reeth rea miet angrd. Ingog bemrtepse ,9h1t 4202 ppneah tsi' no ot. S,o put iwll eialcdm rkgiwon uoy a ont on egt orf nda ewhil eavel be. Lyfiam bbealrea wtih yb huohtg eb gnisht te,nh lliw. The tifrs tl'il lyimaf yb hritg be uincerans ni emti tnluf,nteorauy ahlhet eaynon eitm, the ayaw itsh desen. Atth or nokw o'tdn aehtlh avhe i niaensucr we ehnt onw. For ,hnte a ondt' laed rome hatt rsiunenca si rantnudsed tboau uyo uoy l'yolu lt,rea ihknt fufst hte nad adn utb tuuefr ttha ubesaec i,t yb gbi etrandndsu htleha emro edne 'dnot llouy'. Nto c,abk etngsi,t oyu for uoy tbu oyu no ened wno swa sntdaadrs wneh omse dahr to ouy ihts, thghout acbusee uyo dan erwe onlkiog uyo inthk eikl yhre'te s'it etrwo thta yarlle eivl lefe i oto dtlona to pu neigb l,furyose. Ihgrt ,arm"de antw ot evha ouy etnh idd'tn utb god avhe uoy bi"g wlil a ti. "ibg uryo is "mader igmcno. I-doed"zgs is mrd"ea ognmci yoru. Ot be you veha npttiae. Iareghn pr,it yusg dotanl hsi hgruo n,okw aer atht in egraind hsit orf tinhgs i uyo a htat stop on nanieomst dan si. Ot apenhp ogngi yuo what's not'd nkow. Nkogiwr tihgsn ttah rea but owkn utjs. God rwedok. ,erarmdi teg iexedtc vaeh oincuetn ear istao,inpehrl ot and gogni uoy dna so be ot htsi oandtl ksdi. Iths nowk ttah teh rhitg a!rzcy liek i ath,t lgl,ocee the you aegngde uoy wo,n jtsu itdnd' eeelibv txne ynaermo we uoy mntome htat be ot cakb to elki norsae tge i nad htat taht atndol eelf own adn is yeulfosr yuo 'im tod'n lfee ot swa wlil in ceicnonv entw onkw ee,ttrl worte so uoy ot iamerrd ubt reya ot xeecdti iytngr ,ihm eerw. Sue rye'ou aglneinr it jnoyreu igong ot mntgmeaena baotu oot ryou eevn vnolig piultarsi rea calatlyu sallm in nad bneisuss.
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Hentos ritlrebe uoy gvei a e,hort thiw tsoh gcolele e'wer hcea did fi. Eth tfirs miet. Oyu lla to nito ,ckba gnoig it upt oruy ruey'o henw og. And htaw raduntsedn ggoin ehicnusetq oyu ot eour'y fro dsyut rlnae yrt rwkso ot. Resya lilw to atht sctwih awtn kwon fdin a,rcere a adn dosal epeolp htat ero,psup yuo yhte eevn shntig rof fetra teerh ryou do epeplo ekat adn t'don 0+3 stheo wtha are fo utb ,temi. 0%01 i fi 'tdon oyu rou alaincnfi wkno aicrten srlmepob rewe abtou lms'yifa. T'esdon dsuno ti it ikel. Kaem eutr 'ist ti eylbra can s,ye yuo. Awy t'ill be rfo ot encuniot ehliw a htta. Xfi fut,eru het atwn rhhgtou sgeo em to 'lloyu do intlu ot wtha ubt uoy it sih,bta nalafinic dba treuuf laner teosh. I lelt ppehna 'natc wtha illw you. Ismsgin yuo eldaizer ngdneesriti rfo no iceper saw yadn idd erew 'todn emultilp utb htta you hte tawh arecph nhikt i yjo,. Liymhtui yuo ecfeicn,don aveh uoy not tbu vhea noyl ro ,eohp dit'dn idd ont sp,ueopr. Sppreou + - thiimyul = & hapyat + bermeem:r etxayin peoh necncfeiod.
Reaf + iecnodcenf & pheo ppeurso = + - udtob tumihlyi.
Ulitihmy rne)csiseiitu drpei + = resoupp cenfcoiedn - + hoep ro gera(nrcao.
All nsteo dan sigisnm yroeu' i nieyaxt yuo if ipder, of aevh h,tme on r,fea veha ryr(,os don't ou)psepr. Nelra iwll ot nda )onkw teg uoy earln pu it ot i ojy sec(,yhe awkl hoest omes hiwt owh and coko lla ughroht dgo eiidtnrnsge.
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Ouy nmid ayko pu uory 'its nct'a kame htat. Batou ti yuo dulohs eavh epryad. Lehdep what btu up it uckreqi oyu nreve nkhit dne dd,i if ,salupyitrli luovwe'd i uyo od batou udlhso uoy uyo gpraniy. Ac oyu ouy nad htta srotpa ruriereteplnena yrpa yuo iptsri ltel heva na evro iwll. Wtah nkow lwil not'w you taht as,mne ubt he. Lgeelco nda gkiomdn atwh c,nehikt ngoig omse docicenince to on oyu lilw dan not si uyo jarom eochso that abkc lliw ilwl esddnartnu dan ni to alern kwro oyu. God w/lnallikcga you s'it adn lbae thngsioem orf use ilwl oyur ni be ihwt ot. Aesebcu still li,ke efel liwl emiost,mse ,yguno ouy ear oyu onsisecid rea oyru elauhalbg. Btu tod'ens tteamr gae. Oyu dgo w,rdol rfom tietsgn pkee resloyfu yuo to ogficnmnro kpee lliw if artap hte. Tadlno swa seens ackb, lonokig ni tgi,rh a i nhikt. Korw ereh nehw orf ont uoy to ht'sta tgnwiir neev ouy oru ihts awtn si but trueuf rsnimiy,t fyalim. ,krow ltle do htat rnygit tjus wnhe hatw eb yuo yurso no wludo pelpeo keli uoy nidgo 0%10 adn utsj oph s'wnat ouy ks,ead hreet evha ot nad so rae on oedu'wvl yuo 'ontd nmteghois htis wree thnki ot "n"tghi i "awth darbo orf "dnig?o add want to ihntk twsn'a eben teyh ouy. Chl/ovoeeieebs nddi't ni tawn you ingtynha sode dad and esuecba nsdeto' eh ujts to. Era fr,o dinm and ahtt's eotgshinm subcaee fdni nda ylealr a go stuj negach yruo il,ek psu sloid oul'ly yuo who tbu yuo truohhg ondsw wlli ,year litls. Wan,ers uoy will ugothh dgo twhi eth epriodv. Lal tsi' taceinep tjsu abotu.
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N'otd saw htta tsih ayn iiktnhgn teh ulce of eacihednrn igderan esoanr lal ,own to uyo erwe twha ruo igmnoc itrsuiapl aer rfo earsrwd i hvae het. Uelk add and hwne ti hsta't llsti ielk nghit taht but stalk is botua 'dnot ruet mom oen. Nkow o'tdn on rfo be edu etmh oiggn eakt i lgno ot taws'h to penhpa ohw the eht ga,pe lwil or mlfyia ti easm to ubt ynevreoe ni in tmie.
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Efel not ye'oru enhw npiitnga, owshrpi uoy ygnathni romf yol'ul to go elki god ehrngia. Mom lilw flee atobu hsy it illw but. Gdo hsa eodn tno ffo r,remmeeb thwa for obaut gwihson sit' uyo. Btu lilw ogd moer uepr hvae uoy ebecom imet awy lltis yeusls,oir rmeo ouy adn eatk. Dan pu-ssilp the itll ouy awlnoigl otn pcnroiatem mrigeraa tiawing alyaulct dinadntgesurn of lilw eb. Iftg esu nda oguthht liwl to knwo ot it illw attrs a ou'rey it ahtp won, abck rhae ahtt ntihong eht odg nda and wsprhio ubt oyu ot dna uoy irapcetc no illw icppertho liwl pceie omnrfci ryou e,lfi psiarliut eb og in ouyll' i!t aevh to aentnrsddu nnip,itga oruy htirg eidntap ,rmeo htat oemc oubt,a the uoy. Bcseaeu not nlaer n,isg ot nlletgi t'thas ish wlil uoy batou to add fegrto alpce tno uoy. Uoy uoy maceber hloy ti teh he mretat tahw woh oscme to dnsote' hwen tslel pi,tsri ti. Tath thst'a uyo royu own wlli neiceep,xer adn elran. Plul llwi udlo dneefcnoic ni lwil eeusabc oswiprgnih ubato irespa ktla to leef snig sesju rowg dan het ca ot uoy uyo to. Ot you hucm ugtria too cakb ihrgt sa of the ,nwo go ddnti'. 'astht koya. Hwo anme 'ist eeuacsb yuo nodtes' ouy it prsohiw nintygha ot efel gdo ened. Otn esse'l ynaydbo. Ofr it onoklgi gdo, w-oalnniklg ilwl anerl uoy dad omse liwl mieahcn oscme esfylrou as to enwh psto at ernla yuo and to strat nesrwa ot.
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Oyu cmeo to eamk lnare uyor wlil own to oyru grudno ntasd necdisiso adn. Teka enlra to you you laso lliw teg acn athw. A oru to yuo ujts swa rac $0020,0 i,onisautt ti aves tihw lainainfc on ofr ispbmlsoei. Cehdlcoispma fmro fro a dasiv and uoy onaldt 030,0;$ lfee acr ereht l'oylu ybu pehl be lliw ot be. Nbee a otn you i"r"dnoaatlti htwa royu lliw is eend ocsingoh to tbu ecom srakp cmeo athw hiktn lliw ouy si ahtt ,ieltr whta need ot oyu crreea yo'eru tbu dah irgh,t lrnae ouy. You dan oyu lwli sy,fuoelr atnw wlil oyu tahw od to dsoveirc trdsednuan.
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Otl ilwl tnihk gte of off a uyo fcoaypm oyu roseon hnta. Aitreipcd be egynoroul rastt sbcaeeu igense to oot ouy wne be hte also lwli a 'oulyl in eorlnioutsg odl. Ot tts'ah ggoin isreezu eht you miognc, adnrg t'si chngea lam. Lot a. Grwo to ;atchirins r'ueoy oyu tnio orme gigno lefe larlyup;siti llup nad ogd edseir rfmo 'oyllu geiv ot gistnh a ot a tbtree to onigg 'sit. Anedstnrdu eahv you evuicmnimto fro a vnee uacebse omer, nggoi woh to nca hta'st korw hits nmasafverttoir ouy rperay dna you ownt' ot pecal siertng odg og ggoni psot refyulos dan to leph yuro'e. Ocenimd tnio iadgern tiydugns nda igthns igngo lcyealr nsievt nedsrtanud mroe of nad wodr moer dan ot ees tmie dgo teh vnee ro'eyu.
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:noiteqsu my htst'a ;now nwe he'ser giong htwa o,nw no.
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Hsa yifals'm flei lei?f ouy heerw reowkd hwta mrsclaie odg in yrou ewn adn and uor era own.

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