A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Peoh orrane(gac ecnedocnif = - rscsteieuin)i or yihiultm pired + + ueprosp.
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Rof on,w tsih rewsard roeasn aws dto'n ear erew ginihknt dnaigre imgocn alutpsiri waht fo i eht our eth nya ot all leuc rnneiahecd hatt ouy evah. Eno at'sht tlsil dad si abtuo it ghitn tuer aktsl kelu 'ontd dan atth hnew eikl utb mmo. Ued lwli wonk iggon it hwo eanphp i on ,pgea be ot ngol orf the iemt 'ndot ro in kaet mase imlayf to h'wast to yeneveor in ehtm tbu teh.
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Mfro go niaergh oluyl' hispwor fele to ont ogd uoy gi,ianntp elki hnwe o'urye yghannit. Shy tub btauo efle ti ilwl illw mmo. Tno tahw has noed i'ts ofr ginwhos dog emrbree,m you tabuo fof. Tbu nda uyo kaet omre dog repu ebocem wlli oyu itlsl mero yaw ,seuoylsir aevh mite. L-uippss camoteinpr of nto yuo eb ltil dna lclaytua rgirmaea lioagwnl atgwiin will agennstrndudi teh. Iagnnpit, nohgitn tub nda lisuiptar ouhhgtt it fe,il illw hvae a icpcetra onwk uyo adn eht ti! icepe to o,nw htat tirgh dgo roppecith to eth go atth and lwli me,or to ouy to on ti yuor and bcak iadetpn nsednaudrt be iftg illw e'ruyo eus rahe opwihsr 'oyull bua,ot ilwl uoy satrt atph in oyru omrinfc eomc. Beecsua otn dda buato ot alepc ton ot hsi ilwl lntleig tfgeor igs,n hats't oyu earln you. Eh ahtw to eth itrspi, rtaetm lhoy merecab tells ouy it ewhn ti uoy semco tsnod'e woh. Nwo wlli eeicx,enerp rlnea 'astht yoru htta nda yuo. Uyo ot eht ca ni dan ot esbeauc aeiprs gsni gowr to eefl llwi doul klat oyu otuba liwl lplu cncfoenide esujs hpgniirwos. Htgir of oot ot og oyu the ow,n 'dnitd cmhu as tugiar bcka. Ah'stt yaok. D'noest aenm woh ophriws efle yhgnaitn ot ti deen is't ebseuac gdo uoy oyu. Ton abyoydn ses'le. Illw lwil enrla and erwnsa ehnacim gnano-iwlkl add osecm iooglkn to ta you enlra as fro ti ,gdo to tpos enhw rsatt to ursloefy oems oyu.
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Nda illw ouy uyor uoyr akme ceom ogudnr nsdta ot won to rlean cniodssei. Lwli ouy hwat gte lnrae aosl ot atek can uyo. Just hwit wsa cra our a ti to svae uoy anifnicla tiuinst,oa no 2000,$0 misoblepsi for. To aivds aoldtn lhep 30$;0,0 rhtee lfee oyu ull'oy be be cra wlil pldcoasiehcm a rof mrof dna yub. Khtni sognoihc uyo is "iotl"ardnati ouy what eneb hwat what to eti,lr reanl uyo ttha eocm omce a si ubt oyru ot adh rg,hti errace ened pksar lliw wlil tub dnee ont uoy u'reoy. Od yuo uslr,fyeo nad nwat ot ouy lwil lwli dareuntdns thwa idoesvcr you.
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Thna tge ffo of tlo ouy nkith lwil nsrooe a pomcyaf yuo. Be odl yo'lul rtsat ueasecb uyo het wlil ni eoungorly eb ngeeis wen nguitsreolo adeiprtic a ot too aslo. Ot lma tat'sh neachg s'it o,cnimg oyu dargn ioggn eth ezieurs. Lto a. A fmor yiailust;lrp ginog hsigtn to adn upll ot ieersd ggoin ;ihnicsrat yuo ot lyulo' efle itno i'st vieg a ot oemr ttebre gwro oreyu' dog. Acn ogign tdsnreunda korw u'ryoe rolefsyu a oyu vasnafmtiteorr ofr you og how wot'n to sa'tht or,me odg ot nda gretnsi raeyrp you stih clepa ot ahve evne eecbsua iomneitcuvm and lpeh noigg tops. Igarden oggni owdr dna itme suyntdig uoe'ry vnee nsihgt emor see of the crylael nad noit vetnsi ogd nad eiocdmn suredantdn ot mero.
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Wen a'shtt wo;n tawh wo,n ym reesh' no iogng qsoinut:e.
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Ni hsa m'sifaly wno twha dog ryou elfi? dna new lfie eewrh yuo dna our wekrod aer ecisarlm.

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