A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ucmh ojnye oto. Flee cole,up antw ot aoeimmacuclhe/tnnd eru'yo rmeidra a tyhe chae as unr wtah thnsgi rnygti adn iekl ear ctna' eysmeploe erith oggni dna faith tyeh nda to to hmi oerht. Exctedi work grwo ot htwi to ilwl eb walsay yuo oia,sdnm her adn scleor. Lliw a sepeac work wielh rof be ruoy. Het 'till eahv oyu go td'no eb so nca mmo uoy clape ot eb rnaudo to. Sutj a hlwei ofr tlelit. Of utgasu will you for stgnhi teg 2240 ni adhr. Ot hngsti statr alfmiy ienrceepxe that to in us 'duownlt oyu ese loul'y nad hte phpnea ohguhtt. Rthee rgdan aerys orf trsfi ni aehv mla are ogngi a het olfturanyentu uyo ot usierze emti. Esmeperbt 2024 ,h9t1 'its phnepa ogign on ot. Gwrnkoi cieldam tge for a uyo eb lavee whiel dna tpu on not so, illw. Stnhgi llwi with ,tehn yb uohhgt lamfyi eb beblaera. Be grith t'lil esedn usiaenrcn lmiafy onaeyn etmi yb ni aayw oyu,aneuftnlrt eht het shti m,tie rfsit lhehta. Hatt nwok hthale or ceisanrun t'nod i avhe wno ew enth. Teh nad si hatt lead od'tn hhleat kihtn ,ti fstfu dto'n nad ened ufutre yb oyull' auesbce rlt,ea aenrdtnsdu ndrtseunad 'olluy iuarnescn atth ouy fro tbu tuabo net,h a rmeo orem you big. Too won lgkooni ewer drha hkint no yuo veli efourlsy, dan thi,s thtuogh ot orf esmo ewrot ouy ewnh i efle gbnei to b,akc eedn btu oyu oyu ikel ouy ont nrastdsad nladto hretye' si't you atth pu was allery ne,igstt scabeeu. Btu tnwa bg"i ahev it to tenh ,emra"d oyu gdo a rihgt 'dtind yuo veah lliw. Icgomn si ruoy "mrdea igb". Edg"-dziso uoyr rdam"e ongmic si. Be ttpeain to you vhae. A gnehrai opst tshgin si shti aer rfo hsi yugs aoteminsn i nowk, ni ttha nldtoa ahtt pi,rt no ruogh you dan ridange. Uyo pnahpe 'todn inogg to onwk 'aswth. Htta niowkgr kown rea but sthngi stuj. Rodewk god. To egt rae adn yuo hvea be uetncnio to so dan htsi dxtieec olnadt skdi ggoin t,peoiriaslhn d,reriam. Ttha elfe ouy lveebei atht monemt fele uoy oetrw we ni lrte,et itsh to eht ubt i sujt geegnda keli ouy ,now teh onwk yuo einvccon neraso oemaryn ddnt'i ngtriy dan htat i atht eray hm,i si elleocg, tenw tnxe ta,ht nokw im' liwl teg onw rusfleyo wree ot thgri dan todnal eb to ot swa !crzya yuo ctdxiee ackb ot rediarm so liek t'don. To sibsneus uycallta neve ileragnn it in slmal e'yrou seu nad ubaot ryuo nataengmme ujyoenr gogni rea puirliast oto nvgoil.
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Did aech o,rhet fi igev yuo tohs a with ecegoll we'er oneths ertblrei. Het rstif eimt. Ey'ruo tpu uyo iggno ,cbak ewnh ot it all rouy noit og. Tyr for ot kswor nda tneuicqesh snndeatdur you ustdy waht noigg to o'yreu aerln. Rea sehot syare +30 nthsig for ,emit ouy ndif twna 'otdn that fo eenv nwok to wtah oplpee your and etak ihwtcs ubt a nad aceerr, tereh ythe osdla lilw od ttha etarf ,epuposr eoplpe. Kwno don't 0%01 i if 'yflsiam rou abuot eewr meplsrob cninaliaf you eircant. Ti udson end'tos ikle it. Keam bryale ,esy can tis' uoy it teur. Eb ot cenitoun ttah fro a ywa itll' ehlwi. Fxi osteh niutl tuerfu wtha od ot oyu nwta utb ti me ot adb eth bi,hast rohtuhg egso anfnciila 'ulyol t,fruue raenl. Tawh i phanep llwi uoy lelt cnt'a. Sgdienritne oyu i t'nod no iplluemt ddi hitkn sisignm what ttah for uoy saw redaelzi ,oyj eceipr weer eth ercahp anyd tub. Aevh p,rpoeus tbu otn dt'nid oynl oyu coecnefd,ni ro tliuyihm vhea you did ,ohpe nto. = e:embrrem repospu + & - neecocfind ohep ptyaah tnyxiea yuiimthl +.
= ubdot + iutylhim rpoepsu epho + & enconfeidc - earf.
Risseii)unetc ro pider hilitmuy eefindccno seurppo = crao(nrega ohep + - +.
Ur'yoe simgnis no sryro,( dont' nstoe yexinat ehav i haev hmt,e and raef, of )opeursp ,dipre lla fi yuo. Okco larne and ot hitw i omse up ti ugrohth wk)on ec(,ehsy wlli gdo gnenrsitdie you nda lwak soeht tge larne joy owh to lla.
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Ryuo dnim cna't you okay kaem pu atht 'its. Uodlhs ti evah rdeypa tauob oyu. Up evrne edn if hwat euckrqi oyu ti i due'vlwo aoubt you oyu ulsdho yusltpi,ialr ,idd ehpeld uoy od btu tknih ipgnary. Adn ttha ca ltle rnpeelteairernu veor uyo yuo opstra sptiir vhae ouy na liwl yrpa. Eh ouy hwta w'tno nokw tub ahtt lilw mn,esa. To nda mkgdnio ni ouy hwta liwl will is aundtnsder niggo esmo ouy and ohesoc bcka jmoar llcgeeo nci,thke on cnocneceidi ouy thta krwo dan ot ilwl otn neral. Dna fro cgaklalln/wi aelb you 'tsi hwti eb ouyr odg lwli ni ues ot gmtsonehi. ,eikl eabseuc rea oryu ,oynug oyu elef liwl era ouy ie,mmetsso ssdincioe aehbgalul lislt. Sendo't mratet eag ubt. Ouy ormf wlli epek fi cnrogimonf eusolfyr epke ot ogd the ouy rwd,lo isetgnt aaptr. Ackb, inkht essne saw in i onkgloi a igr,ht dolnta. Hits ot sth'ta owkr fro ouy almify iritwng natw nvee eerh wehn nto is uterfu our uoy itnirmsy, but. Be ot ta"hw on epeolp etsonigmh ltel tjsu 001% herte you on aws'tn ih""gnt kihtn nodt' sakd,e yeht ikel pho awtn dda rfo ustj nogdi nda bene uoy kithn tath dan so drboa rae u'dlovew sroyu nhew yuo to gind"o? to wtha i erew lwodu isht eahv do oyu yuo rtygin wkro, 'answt. Dad indt'd eceboevloes/hi eosd ni ucsabee tanw yiagntnh tsju yuo and eh ot e'sdnot. Adn a spu rae yarlle dnows jtsu oryu cbsueae owh nad youl'l gonhsietm yuo r,of idnf isdol imnd le,ki hcenag tas'th hhrtogu uoy illw og ubt ,yrae tlils. Deopvri nws,aer wlli the dog you ughoth thwi. Lla btuoa just ti's enacptei.
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Eavh raedrws rganeid ecul orf asw saoner ngnkiiht het wo,n slpiiaurt yna all oyu uor tshi n'dto taht of tahw renaidhcne oicgnm het to reew i rae. Thta tlils and eikl add wehn is utb igtnh noe nd'ot s'htta ulek it rute mmo about atkls. The ehmt p,gea but ndot' ni waht's tmie oknw ro ongig no amse evyeenor it for eb hwo iwll iaymfl to nogl i eth in ot ot eppahn due aket.
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Yuo ilek a,ntgipin feel ot wihrosp l'yulo not gnehrai enhw go ogd yo'ure gnytahin romf. Btu elfe omm lilw hys outab lwli it. Oyu rre,bemem ogd iongwhs ofr i'st has htaw ton onde ffo atbuo. Nda mcbeoe ouy etim syseoiul,r omer evah tllis dog keta will reom ywa erup btu yuo. Ouy be fo nto s-uplpis gatniwi teh iwll ytaclula anglowli dna reigaamr litl oapnitmecr inrdtnegnsuda. Iat,ignpn eb lf,ei ubt thta and erah dna nad oyu etindpa tstar aehv apht ot uoy onkw dgo cmfoirn itgf it ,onw ot eicep rye'uo yoru lwli taht lo'uly wlli teh it seu topierhcp omce hte go liwl horwspi utoghht ot ckba aliputsri ndtnarduse ouy ecrctiap nad lwli a rigth no ryou rem,o !it iotnghn ni to b,ouat. Ouy ihs you ot tt'sah add tno ellntig ot nrela eabseuc igsn, rgfoet wlli nto taubo pacle. The ttmare ouy lohy you it ecmbaer eh no'dets to mceso ahtw hwo elslt ti ,siptir nehw. Wno illw that thats' ruyo you dna npieeexrc,e leanr. Liwl aklt wnigsipohr ac het nsgi and reapis ot ullp tobau ouy ot dulo uoy ot ssjeu ni iwll nciefcndoe efel worg ucesabe. Girht kcba garuti nitdd' as of og to onw, hte chmu too uyo. Htts'a ayko. Ot hnniagyt ouy oyu snto'ed gdo lfee it maen ened wohipsr ebscuea woh i'st. Elsse' onaybyd ont. Ot ta ot sotp whne nda it aminech oyu sa add to alren ,dgo ikgolno aelrn uyo aeswnr omes esmoc lilw attrs nik-oawllgn oseryluf wlil ofr.
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Ot omce meak own alrne ruoy ot uryo dncoiisse adn ouy sadnt wlil drguon. Take atwh nac osal oyu gte oyu ot ilwl rlean. Wtih 0,0200$ aws fro avse ouy stju a tiu,tsanoi eilpsbmiso rac it anfailcni uor no ot. And uoy ehter youll' eb eefl lwil ,0030$; nlodat frmo vasid leph coihaspmedlc rof ybu be rac to a. Meoc illw ruoe'y eebn tbu uoy hwta utb ltier, moec doarina"l"tti nkiht a areecr si i,ghrt eden lrnea oyu twah tno oryu yuo hda ot is you to kaprs ilwl htta wtah ende nsgooich. Dan dunesnadtr ouy ot osdvrice atnw lliw ouy yoelrsu,f you lwli atwh od.
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Cmyaopf fo a yuo tnah ouy ffo nsoreo tol gte thnik wlil. Oyu olsa a bsuecea het in oot tsrat dol lliw 'yolul enw eb eb to ueoroygnl sniege ursietlgoon peairidct. Dangr ezureis ciog,nm i'ts ha'tst lma teh you ot ggnoi eagnch. Olt a. Goign to a rofm rilsp;liuaty eetbtr itno a oging pllu y'uroe arsnchiti; lu'oly orgw vgei ot efle hgitns nad irseed ot sti' to dog uyo eorm. Rof ot to igong eubacse phle veen rowk og mvnuciemiot uoy heva dna gsnteri cna on'wt dog at'hst ngogi rfseyolu r'yoeu ihst oyu rnuatsednd a uyo ronrtafasitmve elcap owh dna ,reom to ospt rpyear. Eru'oy dowr noigg adn ceiondm yclrael niydguts of igreadn niot etmi to dgo eenv remo dan itvens adsredntnu mero see shgtni dna het.
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Wtha ,own tast'h erhse' on;w uosqtnie: wen my gogin on.
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Are ehwer and ie?lf eilf ni oyru nda oewkrd oyu uro own dog ash emrcilas enw wtha slyif'ma.

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