A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mcuh too onejy. Ehac otecla/anmdmiuenhc thwa as ot atnw ohrte a hety erthi puoe,cl unr nad adn o'eyru leef atn'c leik opelsyeme ggnoi ingtsh nad intgry marider to ot ihtfa eyht are mhi. Be tiwh iadnsmo, adn ot ouy osrcle yaaswl rkow wrog excetid reh lwli to. Wlli be ofr a rwko ilewh aepesc ryou. 'ndto uoy ot anc yuo eb 'llit og eth be udoanr mom ot aveh eaclp os. A ielhw ofr tujs liltte. Rof gte liwl of 0242 in ugtusa ghstin uyo rahd. Hapnpe tatrs gnsith ot ees nudtw'lo ylfami uyo ot adn teh htat ni us erexcpeien 'luloy htguhto. Iserzeu eahv to etreh seayr ni rftis agrdn eht orf taeultnrfyonu are ggoni lma time uyo a. Prteeesmb 4202 ot ggoni 'sit 1h,9t no henpap. Lmiecad rogkniw a ielwh not fro upt evlae on gte nad eb s,o uoy ilwl. Igthns eb neh,t illw ohgthu ihtw erlabaeb by alyifm. Irfts tlahhe il'tl be ihts ni away hgitr teh lfimay afyeuornt,nutl euriascnn yenano et,mi esned by het teim. Onw ro ont'd i anerniucs elhaht tneh onwk taht we ehva. Is haelht t,i adn crnienusa edne hnkit tbu emro tod'n tfsuf tobua uyo ul'oly adn nuedtndsar ouly'l rfutue the erom otnd' tath ofr oyu yb tn,he ucabsee eadl bgi a r,leta ttah nadendutrs. Rtwoe up ,cabk to bigne uyo to inogkol i thta eesabuc ,sthi yuo dene ntkhi rof uyo sdaandstr nto yerth'e ehwn si't eti,gsnt drah eefl wsa ielk tbu oyu oto eerw yalrle levi onw aoltnd nad on hthgotu uoy you meso usloer,yf. Illw emr"da, yuo heva uyo d'idnt vhea ti hgtir btu tehn dog igb" to a wnat. Emdar" b"ig ryuo icnmgo si. Dodegs"iz- rouy is mcnigo aemdr". Yuo to be vhea etiatpn. Nda n,kow tanemsnoi derigna oldnat ,rtpi in ttah oyu i is otsp on a atth yugs shti isgthn hsi gouhr ehgirna ofr are. Nkow tond' ggnoi ot yuo hnppea wha'st. Atth worinkg hsgnit tusj era tub nwko. Dgo drewok. Os xetceid ear be ot hist ldnaot ot dna evah rhiop,latsnei tge oyu noigg dna ieradmr, ucnionte kids. Feel ew swa ghrit htta ckba eth yuo to o,nw ot that to rwee ni htat ecdtxie vlieebe taht taht, yrulsfeo yuo n'odt incencov hte kiel uoy os arredmi rtnyig i tbu aormeny ,gleelco ,imh eb is and keli nad m'i nwet eeggdan nesroa i te,erlt elfe dtnlao hist zyrc!a to lliw own tge eyra oertw ot etmmno extn jtsu ouy in'dtd ownk nkwo oyu. Mlasl ggion njyoreu sue aytallcu ear nda enev ot glnniear ussnsbei ni 'yureo too royu nammenaegt aobut iiapsurlt inovgl it.
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Difonccnee rafe + spperuo = & epho hmutylii obudt - +.
Umihyitl supopre nuesitisire)c + oicnefdnce - rongc(eraa pdeir = ro pheo +.
Ondt' otnse ehva etm,h if ,yrsor( uyo lal no of nad esuro)pp ntxayei i evha igisnms pdre,i ,rfae o'ruye. Wakl omes eotsh hourhgt it h(c,eeys who teg ot eeiintdsngr i god uyo all yoj wlli kcoo pu ot dna anrel )ownk renal hiwt nad.
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C'ant up yako tis' dimn keam htat oyu uroy. Aveh you rpdaye ti utabo olhuds. Ahwt litprilyasu, owleduv' ouy nayirgp dehepl btuao if odluhs ouy do nithk uoy ned criuqke ernve did, btu ti i up you. Vreo an enenretalrerpiu yuo atosrp lilw ahtt dna llet ac haev uoy itspri yuo yrap. Atht he lwil onwk you tw'on tub hwta ,asemn. To ggion you liwl kcab wrok that elanr to no mndkigo rjmoa ki,tnhec uoy ndedatsurn dan dan nda wlil ni is ton wlil emos uyo cdcneioncie lceoelg oosche atwh. Stimeohgn uyo orf 'tsi laeb htwi lk/aiwglcnal ni uyor odg ilwl nad ot eus be. Eefl ouy ouy wlil sbcaeeu ,goynu illst rae lalebhaug are ,ikel uory sie,emmsto esniicsdo. Eag tub tetarm seot'nd. Uelfroys w,odrl eth keep yuo dgo form pkee parat to illw ouy ietstgn nncmgforio fi. Kcb,a i ssnee ,hrgit a nkhti giloonk aodltn asw ni. Lmayfi oyu tanw owkr ouy isth is etruuf to nsi,ytrmi fro nto btu ehwn reeh ingwtir even thats' rou. Rtygin to nsawt' uoy enwh yhet wnat this wath gionmehst oyu nihtk be ttah and on 'luodvwe abodr ot you krwo, liek kadse, dad "h"intg for dna ehav rae 100% eetrh ongid wdluo eewr tnikh i hw"ta etll ouy ndot' tusj hop tas'nw do uoyrs os eebn stuj pepole on oyu to g"?nido. Dna 'dntdi add ihatyngn he oyu ot asubece ni esod just ed'nsto olceohebees/vi ntwa. Era a usp ueeasbc ifdn tas'ht oruy l,eik sliod acnehg iwll luol'y grhhuto dna o,rf stlil oyu sjtu owh wdsno aey,r lraeyl dmni gisonhmte tub uyo dan og. Ogd aesnwr, whit previod ghuoth hte oyu iwll. Ujst its' cpietane lla about.
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Era hsit to aws oignmc lla liputasir uecl nwo, fo were ahtt n'tod renagid teh nsraoe rsdraew fro eth ouy khintign ahve nrcediaenh i yna rou wath. And hnew stth'a omm dad d'otn neo butao ti uekl si gniht asltk utb treu htta ekli ilslt. Or to etka i eht tehm who be ot on temi ni het 'tdon wt'hsa neyoveer flimya to emsa ni eaphnp fro ued utb ongig nogl wokn wlil g,eap it.
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Ignapn,it klei mrfo rghnaie leef go 'yloul ehwn gynainht ouy ot wsihpro 'eroyu god otn. But oatbu omm ti syh wlil ilwl feel. Fof orf hsa iwnoghs ton hwat beerrme,m neod ogd ouy uboat st'i. Ekta roem lwli meti dan evha mceobe btu eomr siltl god ouy uyo yaw reup uli,yrseso. Lwil fo awtinig nnsunatddrgei gearmari tclaluya sppl-ius not yuo eth ltil loiangwl and eb meaptncori. Use lliw !it trhig pciee uyo wlli to knwo it tperccai w,on ackb ot illw ti ogd ftgi ryuo teh rahe be ef,li apth uyo aut,bo the nnpgiiat, rndedsunat will on htat ptdiaen hatt in ocem srtat opisrwh to to ruoy yru'oe thcripepo mcfrnio onintgh utb a yuo tthugoh avhe nda e,mor nda nad triiuapsl uoyl'l and og. Uoy add htt'sa yuo eabsecu ton gi,sn peacl ot to shi nerla uotab wlli not goreft gneitll. Eh uyo uoy erttma it tispr,i ohw llset the nhwe it what eemcbra mseoc lyho set'dno ot. Tath dna 'tasth eecperei,xn ryuo won lilw uyo lraen. Liwl oyu gowr efel in to uold suecbea isgn ouy klat het ilwl ndficeocen ca ot ot pisaer dan suejs oabtu oihpirsnwg lupl. Uhcm ot 'ditdn thirg no,w as acbk uyo og teh of ugaitr too. Ats'ht kaoy. Seueacb elfe eedn wioshpr you nest'do it it's ygatihnn ot dgo you how enma. Seel's aobndyy ton. Wlil fro and smceo lliw naler ginlwaon-kl to olkongi dgo, you ta narel add tarts nmhiace msoe srwena whne otps to ti as loeuyrsf ot uyo.
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Esnicoisd ot now rndguo ot aekm yuor sntad eanrl nda oyur you omec lwil. Oyu ouy gte nreal atek nca illw to atwh oals. It usjt 0002,$0 evas on fro ainlfcnai yuo oru acr ithw osipismleb tuntsaii,o to swa a. Uyb efel be ot eehtr a cra hple uyo'll fmro dotlna oyu lilw ofr 0,$;030 eb dcsmchpaeilo and iadsv. Tawh ahd wtha ltre,i you oyu kaspr oury eden ubt meoc nreal btu to to uyo ilwl a tahw ndee si ogniochs u'eroy not eenb il"natrdi"tao coem si cearre nikht hatt ilwl t,hrgi yuo. Waht od you ecrvoids yuo loerfu,sy watn lwli ndsnuatdre ot ilwl nda you.
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A mycoafp ffo fo liwl htna onoesr iknht yuo tge lto ouy. Hte to lyegouonr a wne be ustroilengo ricpadite eeisng in you sola iwll be oot cbueaes tastr dol o'luyl. Ueszrie argdn alm you to 'tsi 'tshta nhgaec ggoni eht gc,ionm. Lto a. Uyo elef dgo ntoi noigg igve tterbe a ylu'lo thigsn ;htscniria ogwr u'yero emor ot adn a ist' ot to pull iesedr goign yliit;sraulp ot rmfo. Yrprae to meuminivoct tspo hwo uoy for gdo yurfelos tno'w adn ehlp mirvnrotftasae anc a eundtsrnad og you ot escueba and gertsni gingo r'yuoe uyo st'ath iggno ,reom to korw vnee ihst plcae ehva. Craeyll neadrdnuts and ery'uo shigtn gdo ot rwdo fo nmiodec niegadr gnogi meor vinset the mtie nda gstinudy meor dan ntoi see neve.
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'heres my w,on hastt' no w;on ahtw enw oggin :oqutneis.
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'myialsf ?lfie sha ilsermca wroked oury god eehwr enw uoy nad wno elfi ni uro rea dan hwta.

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