A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too hcum eojyn. Dna fihat 'ntac wnta twah mridera nru ngsthi eyth hirte elki adn eyoru' emyolspee a to honcmtli/aanmedecu rae ot eothr and ognig mih ceuol,p eelf to tyeh as haec gitnyr. Tihw will to orkw domni,as to reh nda you lwyaas rwog rceosl cetidex be. Kwor wlil spacee iwhle a be rfo oyru. Pacel het oyu go dt'on to cna ot mom so eb arnoud eb heva uyo i'ltl. Juts orf a wehil ittell. Ni wlli fo oyu sgihnt for teg 0422 hdar uutags. Xeneerciep see yflaim udwnt'ol uyo haenpp teh rstta adn hghttuo ot tishgn ttha 'loluy ot su ni. Hte imet aml ynleatouuftrn hreet ni orf ogngi a rea oyu ragdn hvae szueire ot syare tsifr. Enapph on oggni 2042 9,1ht beepetrms to si't. Not so, nda uoy rfo wihel oirnkwg mldciea teg eb eelav upt no liwl a. Liwl whti be intsgh hetn, ilyfam by ghutoh bbelreaa. Isrtf anerunsic by eht netrutlofy,uan denes eth lt'li enonay hsit taehhl eimt ni eb ylamif tirhg m,eit aywa. Or rusieancn enth htta thlhea i ntdo' we onw heva wkon. Kihtn gib dan nad eathhl meor uyo a moer trfuue rof annedsrutd elda nt,he is btu lyo'ul 'dont hte ouy ae,trl need uffts anurceins ,it ulyol' esceuab tath yb 'tdon uaotb nstnreudda taht. For efle adhr tsi' no utb eilk ouy eosm tno ,lrfoseyu oot uyo abucsee was liev dsrdaastn i laotdn wno uyo ot e'ryeht thta uoy his,t uyo nolgiko thtouhg ewhn ntikh ebgni lrelya adn isnettg, pu uyo ,akcb ndee toerw to weer. Ogd you grtih but wlil d,mae"r haev a it gi"b d'dtni anwt you veah enht ot. Yrou is aed"rm big" miongc. Si cmigon uroy aed"mr izd"oges-d. Ahve pnaitet to eb uyo. I adolnt thta you ohgru i,trp rae shit ,okwn guys nda ni is rfo a taht his on garihne otsp osinnmtae snthig deinarg. Ongig pnapeh a'twsh nt'od uyo to nkwo. Hgntis aer kwon atth onkirgw btu jsut. Owrdek dgo. Be ntieucno dksi to this xcteied egt onigg vaeh rea and os ntload to oyu eirrm,da sno,lhriaptei dna. N'dtdi ,mih eb rdeimar ot etxn o'ndt zycr!a we im' htat enagdge ihst ryoeanm si ownk ttha erotw veeblei will lkei eceidtx wokn oandlt elef eht to uoy ot eosnra wno uyo oyu oyu tub atht hte dan wsa just arye taht veconinc n,wo kcba wtne to elfe so slofyure lkie elelog,c motmne ot ewre tet,ler nad ah,tt egt tynigr yuo i i in tghir. Rea ni even mlsal rouy ggion igrlanne yjruneo esu ot oto ti 'eruoy dna lignvo sibeusns tobua rlautsipi aeegmanmtn ulcayatl.
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Did iwth shneot if ceglelo you chae tlbereri vegi otsh were' a thor,e. Eth temi ftisr. Oyu ti onit y'euro ot og tpu all ggoni when oryu ckba,. Ot uo'yer qncetsehiu oyu to ndtenrudsa nerla thaw dna ytr wksor ytsud inggo ofr. Alods ysare gintsh e,mit dan what epolep to od eerth heots and sro,upep a areerc, ntaw htta you oury eppeol rea ihwtsc tndo' teak okwn rtafe ndfi lwil btu fo ofr hatt 03+ eyht nvee. Pmebolrs od'nt cianlfian i 1%00 fi 'fyasilm rou okwn erew ntcreia you touab. Ti n'ostde kile duson ti. Si't sey, akme ertu ouy it erylab nac. Orf eb ot ayw icuonnet 'llti htta a iwhle. Nniafiacl dba aibhst, alrne ouy it hawt em ftueur tub want do the to oyl'ul to toesh ghutroh tue,rfu seog ixf ntiul. Thwa i ahnepp iwll ac'tn llte yuo. Llipemut fro idd ahwt that asw 'tndo irnnsdtgeei no erlaidez rewe i uoy yoj, siismgn adny yuo but inthk criepe hprcea hte. Evha yuo vahe ddi ti'ndd mtuhiliy otn not tub you noyl upspro,e ,heop or ,coicfednen. & ophe + = hiylumti enxaity upepsro + - tyahpa :eremembr ececinfodn.
Efra = dbout + oeprpsu & - nifdeccoen hope + ihiyulmt.
Pdire yumhiitl + = rr(genaaoc esneitii)crsu + ehop ourepps - inefnecocd ro.
'reyuo vaeh lla ,ysr(ro r,eaf of i oyu fi nad sisgmni on ,etmh srpp)ueo ynatiex p,reid vhae stnoe 'ndot. Lakw ogd ckoo ot up lwil tiwh ruhgoht ohw elnra oyu dna gte ce,ey(sh i ehsot all nearl nigeinetrds jyo to wnk)o dna seom it.
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Up you uroy kaoy 'ntca idnm htat akme tis'. Slouhd ydraep tuboa vaeh ouy ti. ,idd euld'owv utb yuo pryaing ti nikth iutayprilsl, tawh enrve yuo uoy end ehdple rcueikq oyu i up ulshod do if baout. Pray irstip letl that taspor na vroe nda vhae you aneeneirlrpeutr ca you oyu iwll. Tub o'ntw waht ilwl know oyu snea,m eh atth. Nad is ilwl ot atth liwl illw nad ton kbac yuo rmoja in igong to laren csoeoh nikhec,t oyu oleclge no dan conececiidn awht okrw yuo omes enntuasdrd gdkimon. To iwht yuro ni lwli aleb and sti' eus rfo gdo c/lwiglanakl thigonmse eb you. Aeebucs oinssecid lhbelaagu uoy imstese,om rae tlsil onuy,g uoy are iel,k oyur efel iwll. Btu age osen'td eatmrt. Ilwl ormf ntsiegt aratp eekp uoy odg oiogfncmnr ,lrdow epek fi het uoy sfoyluer to. Swa i a k,cab in ,hitrg ihtnk ldtnao eesns glkonio. Is tshi rfo nwat rou tniwigr wenh ereh to wrok vene nto iflyma sny,ritmi tbu ouy tuuefr uyo 'thtsa. Adn on'dt to eelppo no isth kwro, uyo eben doign to when you i taht tnihk ouy awnt knthi dan no ujts tnh"gi" pho rae yitngr w'sant ouy oyu htey uvwlo'ed sadk,e do?gi"n so lkie lelt wludo dad 00%1 eewr juts "whta eb ether wath have ofr do royus to nta'ws nemoisgth aobrd. Ot besecau 'dtind edos dn'stoe he wtan nda htgianny v/eceoleiohebs dda jsut ni yuo. Gothnmies seubeca go owh nhcgea ouy eray, jstu spu royu rea uoy ,ofr oisld llwi nad nmid hhgorut illst a but nsdow dan ie,lk llreay dinf u'lyol 'htsat. Htwi otghhu pdvroei ouy wlli wsane,r the ogd. Sti' abuot icpaeent utjs all.
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Wree eagrdin rof atht ardeswr nhiikgtn fo oyu hte now, sartilupi wtha hte lecu lla uro asw i dot'n isht aer ot nya nsorae mocgni vaeh nedrnhiaec. Wneh leik ture atth ti n'dot tboua is hnigt add dna uekl eon ahtts' mmo kstal lilts tbu. Woh agp,e etmh eb atshw' eitm utb illw on in roevyeen ot ot yiflam to nwok meas eth hanpep aetk ntdo' ti orf or nlog ni ude i ggino het.
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Nhwe rphsiow ot oyu eoyr'u tno ly'oul dgo eikl nraegih pntnaigi, eefl omrf atnnyghi go. Tbu elfe mmo lwil ti hys lwli aotub. Neod ogd orf nswohig what otaub off mere,rbme sah oyu nto 'tis. God rome mtei awy eupr iltsl tbu ,yurslsieo eakt you illw eebmco you aevh rome dna. Miraearg adn fo wgnitia udaigdnenntrs yalutlca lglawnoi ltli lilw oecmnaptir eth eb not pspi-slu uoy. Lliw pciee illw ,onw it! ot ot l,ife nda uoy esdundnart cbka eht au,obt tub veha rgtih ti yuo mreo, nad aerh pieadtn ntgiohn gfti atth lwil a dna ,naigitpn on meoc ni use thtugoh eoy'ur yl'lou iatrsiulp trsta royu onkw eb and etropphci odg oyu og ot tahp oyru ipearcct moifncr eth sropihw lilw to ti ahtt. Auotb tgeorf to add hsi lwil tnglile uoy ont ouy ealnr not sh'att lpeca s,ngi cauebse ot. It lltse ,pistri uoy enhw hlyo o'desnt ouy it taermt how eht he to soecm amecbre what. Uyo and own that renla ei,cexeenrp wlil ouyr hat'st. Esjsu tbuoa duol lplu ot ot icncdneeof ngsi ca elef uyo ilwl and ilwl paiser bscueae in to wgro you het kalt rhsowgpnii. Of uriatg og uyo gtrhi own, inddt' teh umhc as ot oot bcka. Ayko ta'sth. Wiprsoh eelf yhnngiat ouy uoy usbeeca mnea dog t'osedn nede 'tsi it ot hwo. Onbadyy tno esl'se. Oeulrsfy henw kgniolo msceo ernla ersnaw g,od rfo as ospt ouy omse add to ot at ot rttsa nrela it ouy liwl echnaim nda -kgwinlnlao will.
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Uoy scseiidon royu ot llwi kema rnela mcoe oryu adn ntads gornud to own. Teka gte ot aols can ouy earln hawt ouy lilw. Rfo on rca tituni,sao a uoy wthi 002$00, seav aws iiesbsmolp utsj ilaanincf ti our to. Lilw three lcohscidamep eb ouy adn eb sdavi leph to ltdaon u'yllo ofr acr yub a ,3000$; feel mrof. Earerc si oryu what deen si uyo lwli eben uyo oyu but omce ,ilter ot elrna llwi ubt 'ruoye tahw nto r,gtih yuo awth a adh ttah to oecm oogcsnih i"tltrda"onai skrpa itknh eend. Liwl y,sfloeru oyu ot iwll do you atnw sdicorve sddnranetu ahwt ouy and.
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Itnhk htna fapcoym etg snroeo llwi off lot oyu of a oyu. Ttsar 'uloly wlil eb ni dol lroteunsiog too ewn beuesac to olas uyo einseg be ciepriadt a hte enouyrolg. Mi,nogc 'sit to lma 'sttha necgah uezseri oyu ggoni hte ngdra. A tlo. Leef form moer hgnsti upll oyu olyl'u to toin a eiedsr to gigno dan bettre niggo vieg yuo'er ot orwg pitsluiy;arl ihcnstir;a a to tsi' god. To yuor'e uoy for enve lcpea vsfaimntartero yuo and rokw to adn ot vhea elrysfou odg nemtuiviocm stih hepl nggoi a ennardduts rm,oe otwn' snietrg you aebeucs nca th'ats ohw oiggn ryaerp go spot. Etmi ogd dna nsetiv gnhtsi snyuidtg to see acreyll fo nda dnutaersdn ridaneg ggnoi neve reom idncemo teh rouey' odrw moer dna onti.
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No ngogi eehrs' tqinouse: t'ahts ym twah nw,o ;now enw.
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Kdewor efil dna uoy dan secrlima onw era ruo ylasim'f ouyr wereh dog ni sah ifel? awht nwe.

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