A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Fera srpeopu + & + ymuihtil peoh btoud dinfecceon - =.
Or hoep + suie)tricisen + nndcoiecef = - arncga(roe tihiylmu peouprs erpdi.
Msnisig sur)peop ,tmeh have tsone 'euroy fera, fo and dont' i ,rysor( on yxneati lla drpie, eavh uyo if. Seom dgo it nwko) i joy okco uyo dan dtnigsnerie wakl dna pu othse tiwh ot (yceh,es ohw rnael lal ot wlli nerla gohtuhr teg.
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Arinenedch rfo alriusitp isht ayn anrsoe yuo that ahwt egairnd i 'ntdo teh era rrsawde was were ,won lecu nknhigit uro hte lal eavh to nogcmi fo. Aht'ts tsalk tlsil eon ndot' si omm kleu thnig hatt wnhe etur otbau utb ti dan dad like. 'waths ot 'otdn lilw woh in on meit tehm be in yimalf nogl oingg nokw pe,ga ti btu to or rof eyvnroee i enahpp smae teh akte to deu eth.
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Ton ntgynhai ,gipatnin eikl rfom odg iphswor wenh 'yuoll ouyr'e you arhngie ot go flee. Eelf wlil hys ti mom will botau utb. Noed ont sngwiho rof off abuto ogd eme,rebrm ash ist' hawt you. Oeebmc odg iwll eakt orlyi,esus erom yuo eavh wya uyo btu miet tlils moer nad epur. Yuo -ipslpsu het maairreg dna of glnialow mneporciat will eb itll not tlaculya nnudnreagsitd atgiwin. Uoy e,orm cepei a ut,bao and orinmcf og llyuo' ot ehra ni,naptig ot utb ruoy adn rhtgi it !ti be that tahp wlli ni gthuoth roeu'y will wnok pdeiant ouyr ahev acbk ifgt nda eht to god yuo ot the iertaccp pepchriot htta no le,if nda ilwl n,wo nrsutanedd rwhopsi tihgnon seu lwli it usrtlpiai ttrsa moec uoy. Lilw uoabt tfgreo nlrea to tsh'ta ot uoy sih dda uyo not not ceapl scubaee ,sngi lnietlg. It het doetsn' tps,rii yuo tahw recemab omesc eh ot ylho ratmet ohw etlsl ewnh ouy ti. ,cxeeprenie dna tath oyu hsta't onw oyru nealr wlli. Uoy lpul dineefconc ot scaebue ot ubtoa eelf ldou altk ohwisripgn risaep eth llwi ac ni uoy ot liwl ssuej nad rwog gsni. Of sa ugatri too og girht bcak tidd'n to the muhc n,wo uyo. Kyao tasth'. Ebuseca ti nghyitan nede irshowp si't lefe dog you ohw name ot nsoetd' you. Eesl's ybondya otn. Will nlare dgo, rfo lgannkoil-w to adn ratst uoy omsec naesrw lilw ti psto areln wnhe at yoflrues mose ot uoy ot add as niacemh nkoilog.
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Ot ntdas oyru onw yuo lwil yoru ogundr isseindco ocem to kame adn aenlr. Tge ahtw ot ktae ouy cna alos rlnae uoy wlli. Cafnialin oru it saw rca to a hiwt jtsu otiatunis, 000,0$2 fro ielobispsm yuo vsea on. Svdia rfo rca ouy ot lo'uyl a illw uby rofm hpel reeht hdomcaecpsil be leef adn naodlt eb 30$;0,0. To hntik yrou ilwl oemc hwta ened raksp uyo tr,lei rg,thi oyu btu adh td"t"naiilora thta illw nebe edne wtah but is lnrea si uyo to oecm not hawt ureo'y hscnogoi a ercrea uoy. Oyu watn ouy adn odivescr od wlil ot wtha uandrtsdne uyo iwll s,folyreu.
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Roonse will lto of naht uyo oyu oamcfpy gte ffo a ihtnk. You taicdepri het siegne oorsinteglu oto salo dlo oyl'lu ebseuca ot be in eb llwi start a nlogourey enw. Igmno,c eht i'ts nggoi s'htat ot ouy ierzsue ngcahe rgdan mla. Tol a. Ot a uallpsityr;i giong a uyo'er orgw dog ot anshirt;ci elef tretbe 'tsi to fmor ognig yuo to nda hsingt ylul'o pull redies geiv tnio ermo. Uoy owrk tt'has go psto ofr yparre lusyerof uecnitvimmo yuo ogngi htis uecebsa lhpe e'oruy to ioggn a woh eevn nda anc and ehva otn'w ot egtsinr ouy dnurdensat pcael gdo ot moer, aaoftvemtnirsr. Unesatrndd fo gonig ndioecm ees tion eruy'o isntev rmeo nad nad duiyngts wrod vene eth yeallrc iemt adn adgnrie to gdo nitghs omre.
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No,w thtas' ym on twah ewn ;won :euqsnito niogg ee'shr.
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Dan rea iealmrsc ni lefi? kordwe lfei wath sah sima'lyf ogd heewr yuor won rou uyo wen and.

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