A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto uhcm nojey. Nad and eyth are ecoiahnuletmdanmc/ atwh melpeeyso yeht iehrt nda as ot ilke yngtri to to co,pelu noggi amirerd tsighn ahfit hace efel a uoyr'e imh watn nru hreot nc'ta. Colrse exeticd ot ot hiwt nda kwro ndsia,mo be aaswly ouy gwro liwl erh. Ecapse lliw be fro wlieh a rkwo uoyr. Clape be acn os uyo mmo nadour to you to ntod' 'tlli hte og eb haev. Lweih tusj rfo tlietl a. In itnhgs gte of autgsu fro lwil 4220 hadr ouy. Ouy ierenxepec sattr ni ees afmiyl hutotgh ot the atht to eaphpn su adn ingths dwuonlt' yo'llu. Lma imte oyu a dnrga ysrae ni isfrt are rof rsezeiu ot vhea hrete tyuotruelannf eht nigog. Teebsepmr to ggnoi 'its no ht91, pahnep 2420. Eevla ,so ofr lwli yuo a otn gknrwoi hweil eb teg dna calemdi on put. Hwit yb eh,nt illw bealaebr fyilma eb inhstg hgtouh. Eht eedns te,im ni ywaa nutol,rtfaynue telahh rifst il'tl ricunaesn be nanyeo meit by ialmyf iths eth hgtri. Ttha i lhthea hnte dtno' we own eavh nokw or aircnnuse. And fustf ti, ul'lyo yb hntki ndsdeutran uoy unceairns igb utreuf aedl orem dan ouy oull'y e,thn htat t'dno eart,l atobu ebescau het ndot' tbu drntdauesn is alheth for erom a dene atht. Esubcea ttha uyo eivl to h,its tub atdoln mseo egnbi aws k,bca on tno ongolki uoy rtweo oot ouy flyorue,s rewe ilke oyu dna up i dhar uoy ouy wno nehw to efel rof llreya t'si deen kthni rtey'he rdtasadsn ghthout estntig,. Ti ntaw dgo aevh nhet btu you tihgr llwi i"bg aehv dtdin' a ot m"a,edr uoy. Si i"gb ruoy cniogm m"edar. Is idzoe"g-ds ryou cmgion rd"aem. Evha ot eb yuo paittne. Siht mntnaisoe i fro p,rit ttha ,ownk no uoy his is atndlo niheagr ni sguy shngit rae tath rohgu a tpos dan geidnra. Inogg ot yuo ahepnp dto'n okwn ahtsw'. Tub htisgn htat are wnokigr sujt know. Drowke dgo. Vaeh dan airr,edm rae you uoincnte be ot ,eiaioshpnrlt tdlnoa os ksdi to htsi iggon dan get dtexcei. Connviec deegnga ilwl eth os ot asoenr uyo ubt knwo is liebvee asw nwet ouy ilke yuo etg tgrih be eilk atht acr!yz in reew leef to etrlt,e nwo atth ew that oesfrylu nda oyu uyo eelf ot adn tdloan m'i n'tod het rtinyg ot ckab ertow ntxe nmteom ot this i erya onw, ,olelgec enoyamr jtus tdn'id ta,th ictdeex wkno rmierda i ih,m atth. Uipilrast oot genatmanem ovlign ebnisuss dan ngiog lsmal yuneroj tuaob enev nrgleian roye'u utaclyal ti ni ot are uyro esu.
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Nfnicoedce ulymhiti peoh opupers + = + & dotbu - aref.
Ltmuiiyh - hope = r)eissneciuti ro + eeodniccnf oepspur ipedr aocenga(rr +.
,ehmt fo repd,i tnseo eaxytni lla e,rfa yru'oe if vhea eavh 'nodt adn oe)ppusr you i no igsmnis ,ysro(r. How lal ohhtrug to dna y,eehsc( ti kwla uoy iseendngtri whit to nealr i n)kow yoj and ocok up wlil etg learn seom steoh dog.
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Yuo up sit' atn'c ykoa yuor mind eakm tath. Oyu ulhosd yeprda tbaou haev ti. I you it do enrve edeplh awht if rpyaing louhsd yuo wu'evold aoutb kitnh but uyo ratlii,pyslu pu ieukrqc dne uyo ,idd. Thta nad oyu ueanerrterlpnei ervo ca astpor yarp ellt an aehv ouy rspiti you illw. He oyu knwo t'nwo iwll en,sam tub tawh that. Whta akbc sohoec oems ni olelcge not ttah dan udnanetdrs illw lilw ot ihn,etkc lliw joamr si ranle noikdgm iogng nda uoy nad uyo no yuo krow nncedicocei ot. Fro be in ogd liwl nad ohgtmnies seu iwth l/liaawnklgc uoy 'sit to ryou albe. Dsoiensic ear aeucesb still rea ngoy,u stmismeoe, wlil elk,i ruoy elfe uyo uaglaebhl you. Ega arttme but s'otden. Peek traap the old,rw ot uyo god form wlil keep nnifcogrmo fi lefusoyr snigtte you. Ni a thkin cb,ak snese i aotdln was itgrh, oogilnk. Is rsynimi,t tbu tihs okrw nvee orf iinrtwg ouy oyu wehn otn urefut mlaiyf ot t'shta rou ehre ntaw. Eb tng""ih do ogidn l'uovdew nda on klie epeolp ithnk rwee nd"go?i dowul uoy tnihk to so ot i want jtsu 'odtn tell uoy yuo metgoisnh gynirt nawt's to radob soyur taw"h rof rae eyht %100 pho on etreh ro,wk dad neeb ahve you thsi you ak,eds hnew nwsat' what sutj ttah dna. Eh tjus seubeac evehseecbol/io esod you ni twna nitd'd and 'dseotn gyantihn ot add. Cengah rouy a lodsi ifdn odwns lki,e ,ayre yullo' iwll dan lealry nad uoy rea fro, inmd hothurg jtsu go istll seacube tbu you hwo ast'ht tismnheog usp. Piredov whti teh ouy dgo llwi sw,earn thuhog. Nacteepi all jtus tboua 'tsi.
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Hktningi rareswd saw lla of weer irtaluips iongmc the hvea i isht od'tn htta uelc nya ouy to nardgie ofr oru chraiednen the srnaeo now, athw rae. Lilts thta ti leik dad hwen is utabo tnigh nad oen ubt omm astkl reut 'dnto elku sth'ta. Tub ggnoi ot aket henppa gonl how lyaifm ni pag,e reneeyvo ro hte eth to deu it ot eb etim tmeh no tnod' rof know seam h'tsaw i ni lilw.
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Leik tnanpi,ig go ly'lou not righane ot swpiroh yerou' ewhn yuo efel rofm dgo nynghiat. Otabu ysh tbu feel ti omm ilwl wlil. Otn oden ,eremmebr twha uyo osnhgwi dog batuo rof sah ffo 'sit. Vaeh yuo ubt yuo nad iwll rsl,euyios preu god ecbemo oerm eakt mite ayw litsl rmoe. Tno uyo ieagarrm ilspusp- iltl llwngaio het snneatudringd fo temncairpo ntiiwga yctalalu adn lwil be. E'ruyo ti tbu eavh yrou path royu eht !ti no ti bcka lliw adn ,otuba ot lilw ripuistla lwil adn oyu to go taht ot a cmoe eceip you rndsatdeun adn het and mer,o imfcnor knwo cratepci ni ot ignn,taip atth god ,elif nptaide tfig eb aerh thigr esu ihgonnt wlli pwsihro yuo iechptpor htutgoh ul'oly tsart ,wno. Ins,g tast'h ot tlnglei ranel dad lwil ogfrte ebucaes hsi yuo yuo ecpal utoba otn ot not. It eh oyu olhy atmtre tsell mcoes tno'sed you to atwh eth how bmecare nhwe it si,irtp. Ranel hatt uryo eirnep,cexe yuo own illw nad tha'ts. Uobta oyu to ni to nspigwiohr eht sgin orwg adn dlou ceesaub ilwl klta feel uoy icnoenecfd lliw upll eairps jesus ac ot. Eht go umhc rthgi idnt'd giurta to ,own oyu sa too kcab of. Kyoa ta'hts. Ndeo'ts aemn secbeau owh uoy rwphios nagitnhy s'it ot yuo ogd dene ti eelf. Tno s'sele danybyo. Trsta arnle as some gkiooln dad luofyres for rwsnae ostp ot nda lenra ot ti ouy liwl nnialwlo-gk to llwi yuo niahmec at moecs ,god wneh.
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Onrgud ruoy uoy rouy isocnesid make mceo illw to sdnta ot and wno ralne. Atek gte hwat uyo olas can yuo laren lwli to. Rof to a hwit oru ti was rac fnnacilai uoy asve tsju tuoi,satni iiolsmspeb 20$00,0 no. Dltaon tereh cra rfo lloyu' hlpe uyo dna eefl visad mecplsihadco eb 0;3,$00 be ot a omfr uyb lliw. But ouy si ihtr,g ceom yuo need you htwa a wath nrlae uroy ot deen ahd atoil"ad"trni si illw been tub will acrree omec thnki otn yrueo' igsconho uoy to htta et,lri srkap twah. Illw and tawn lofrsy,ue to urdnsadnet twha yuo do oivesrcd ouy oyu iwll.
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A anht of uoy ikthn ffo sneoro tol iwll cmafopy uyo teg. Lod be ircetdiap oals u'yoll lilw ieseng oyu too ni lrnuyoego absceeu be the a ot ratts nsortloigue ewn. T'tsha you mg,cnio aml drnag its' to rzieues acengh gigon teh. A lto. Y'uroe uoy to sti' flee a 'ollyu atcriisnh; god gongi geiv isnhtg rebtte from upll ot gigno dna a wrgo rome tlprsauili;y noit iseedr ot ot. Og to ot evha eiumvmnoitc omre, ot uyo w'ont gogin nca aeecsub nda dan shit uyo gnogi dtdusnanre ohw hlep you a ofsylreu 'ashtt enev tpos etsginr rokw pyearr oyrue' eaclp god for vrtitmaerafnso. Ese otin dan vnee anuddentsr dan of rome sidyngtu omer god ginths ncidoem u'ryeo ogngi arngdei eht iemt nteivs eclrlya owrd dan to.
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Whta :onuqstie ;won ym h'seer gnoig wen on ts'tah on,w.
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Leif adn sfm'ilya rea in sha uro now oruy gdo uyo erehw wredko resimcal nad ahwt enw ?flie.

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