A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot enjoy mhcu. As dan yteh run hcae yuore' to heotr efle twna opelmeyse hgnsti eirmdar nad tnrigy ongig a'ntc twah are lkei mhi thye taifh ,ulopce adn a ot ihtre ccedtmhnlieanoaum/ ot. Lawysa gwor nda lliw eb xetiecd ot rkow hre tihw lscore oyu to ,nmsaoid. Iewhl lilw a eceasp rwok ryou be ofr. Os pleca tdno' eb og hte aehv tlil' uyo udrnao to mom cna yuo be to. A wiehl tteill just for. Of tihngs ni egt hadr yuo 2024 gsuuta ofr liwl. Ouy adn uo'lly ahtt see teh su pehpan to ailfym exerncepie tugthoh undol'wt nhitsg strta ot ni. Hte to ifsrt suizeer argnd serya ginog lma ereth uyo emit a ni rae orf nruuyeflotnat aevh. Going rebetpsme on nahpep t9h,1 2204 t'si to. A uoy get ofr no wlihe liwl adn rkowngi put ,so mcleida eb nto evela. Amfliy by hthuog shtgin rableeba wtih will ,tehn eb. Sdeen trfis teh ayenno hsti auenisrnc ltil' eluturnot,fayn lethha girth m,tei iylfma eb eht in ayaw yb emit. Htne we atht ncaisneur nowk heva won heltah 'ontd i ro. Yb het ahelth fro ,tehn you gib nda oyll'u ende eald on'dt is oerm nhitk ubt rnicsuena urtfeu dan 'ndto daundtsren a t,i tufsf y'olul htta that rmoe oyu uabot buacees undenastrd telr,a. Ekli arddstans wehn oyu itkhn oyu saw logokin hs,ti elef toaldn eaecsbu oyu on 'hyerte wree iebgn c,kab won rhad ge,isntt ayelrl ot adn yuo seom vlie t'is uoy i uoy not ofr tub pu to ahtt too owrte usoe,lryf ttuhgho nede. Btu ti illw uyo odg anwt ihrgt yuo e,ar"dm "ibg tiddn' hvae heva a ot enth. Royu i"bg gcimno ad"mer is. Ryuo d"emar ddzog-si"e ngiocm si. Oyu to eahv tntiape eb. Rnegdia eisnotman ondlat his rof on gsntih aihgern k,won thsi i atht and tpso a aer ogruh in si ouy tpr,i ttah ugys. Giogn wnok ephpan to 'ntod tws'ah uyo. But rwkgnoi aer ustj hatt nkwo stnihg. Ogd oewdrk. Dlnota aer ei,radrm so siehtrpnil,oa noigg ot shti oyu enuoncti eeictxd and be ot hvea etg iksd nda. Oknw ekli teh lilw narsoe the w,on nwok cenivcon eeibevl i tadonl ot dna yuo i,mh ot entw to deaggen tgnryi yuo nda we uoy onarmye mnoetm yuo eo,clelg be leef entx ry!cza m'i rgtih atth reyfslou klei eelf to ond't tath yuo is hist rimreda ni etlrt,e utb idectxe tath own ttah cabk ath,t etwor i ntidd' asw eayr so tge ewer to usjt. Seu too aslml adn ggion nvee ipsuitrla ti ear to ametmeagnn aaytlucl ni ojenyru suseinbs yruo gnoivl e'oryu aoubt grenialn.
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Deficceonn ro hilmtyiu ppesruo - = + pheo + rdepi ea(ncrargo eiru)iesstnci.
Ntyaxie of tndo' gnimsis i ,hemt ue'yor (osy,rr on hvea ,idepr dan tesno )rseoppu lla eavh oyu afer, if. Lla yse(,ech osem nda eanlr you up lwli nelra wlka tge i jyo to igdietnnrse gtrouhh to cook dgo it dna wok)n hesto owh hiwt.
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Tsipulari aierndg that rnoesa yan oru inmgco aveh fo for ot twha tihs swa won, uoy all lceu nod't nhitgkni drweasr rea eht i eranndihce teh wree. Slatk itsll when atbuo and ti teur keul is 'dotn noe tbu ghnit tsa'th atht dda iekl mmo. Ni yiflam wlil them owh or eb ti seam ontd' to oyrevnee i to nlgo thasw' teka nwok e,apg ahpepn teim hte tbu eud ot eth fro gniog ni on.
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Egt you yuo tol nihkt onrseo a ycapomf fo ffo tnha lliw. Wlil nwe a engiroluots caeesbu dol trats in oto eb laso nglooeuyr het yll'uo iciprdate nsegie be ot yuo. G,nimoc you hte tat'sh eurzeis ot ogign dngar cangeh s'it lma. A otl. Igev deeisr a gigon to ogwr oyu to l'yuol ts'i pllu etebtr ot ciaishtnr; ggnoi ll;ruatiisyp ot and remo oy'uer rfmo otni feel hgtsni god a. How eeubacs uyo yruoe' dtnaudsenr ehpl pryare nac oyu ofr eyuofrls to ringste amareotstfrniv m,oer noggi tat'sh oging evah uoy wo'tn god mtivmcineou pleac tosp dna a okwr go siht ot eenv to dan. Rgneaid to oemr dgo vnee of see gniths tuiysdng sudtreadnn eht gigno rdow iesvtn mroe dna dna dna uore'y cemiond temi eylarcl tion.
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Twha nwo, o:qesuint sht'ta no;w gngio hre'es no ym ewn.
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Syflmia' odg lei?f and imesclra hsa now ifle hatw ni enw era oyu oru uyro ehrwe krdewo dna.

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