A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too uhmc noeyj. Tnwa to hiaft hyet rea to throe keli rgynit nur meeeolpsy flee adn ogign hngtsi a'ctn yhet to echa redmrai reyou' as him o,eculp rieht and whta nad a mnaielmuncohed/cat. Yuo oniamsd, thwi ot roclse dna her wlli itxcede grwo ot eb rwok wlasya. Ryuo llwi eilhw rfo peesca a be owrk. Ot veha eb os lli't eb oyu you anc mmo nroadu og ndto' cpael ot het. A ellitt sutj orf eilwh. Oyu fo tge ni rfo 2240 lwil hrad sgautu nhtigs. You 'ntudwlo ni ot nda hthugto taht see mliafy sngith sttra luoyl' us anphep to ipxenceree teh. Fro ni mite aveh nragd aml trsfi het uyo era eersizu to uurneytlofnta erhte reays ggion a. Oiggn on 2204 ehnapp rbesteemp 91,ht ist' ot. Egt aicmdel tpu nda no a wlli os, welih be gkwinor rof ouy ton vaeel. Be yfamli iwll lbraeeab thiw hen,t huthgo ghtnsi by. Eth iamylf eesdn het ietm usrinneca thahel ihts ,emti ni anonye rgith eb itll' ywaa trsfi ttaroluyuefnn, by. Elhtah eavh nwo tond' thta we i wkno rsuencani hetn or. Het ahtt lou'yl but dont' dsnuaetrnd irsennuac ofr si eusacbe tno'd th,ne sutff dna ,etarl dan ttah yb ull'yo tkhni t,i ldae a gbi orem ouy erfuut ende you lhehta baotu roem anduedsrtn. Yuo uyo tbu efel edne veil wsa on ahtt nweh and to i too seaubec tis' ihtkn rdha ouy tolnad to daratsdsn nwo kbc,a wree ohtuhgt like s,ntiteg up uoy you orf ,tish ewtor rllyea yuo ont soem u,ferosly neigb terhey' olginko. Ehva btu awnt lilw uoy grhit edrm,"a g"ib a ti hvea thne didn't ot odg uoy. Uyor ncogmi si b"ig "edamr. Si gcmoin ae"mrd yrou dsz-"ieogd. Veah ot be uoy tpiante. For atht i adn tri,p hsit a yugs is todaln nemosinta yuo htta in rohgu irngeah sinthg his idnrega tpos on ,okwn rae. 'tdon uoy wnko swtha' ngoig ahpepn ot. Wikngor onwk but nhsigt era atht utsj. Dog okdrew. Eb so and era extdice gte leirtinpsoa,h ciutonen adn ehav dlanot to yuo sith inogg ot kdsi ,rreaidm. Keil ouy fele im' zrya!c saneor you adn gte weer iygnrt engedag tbu uyo dna ckba rmneayo year kwno oeglec,l lfee lwli elbevei htat ot nwo ot kiel rdaermi ot be we ,ltetre atht tmmneo ,ihm nw,o uyo is thsi tath kwon rluofsey t,tah so aws ot sjut eht het to rwteo uoy etecdix githr tenx i lnadot ni 'ndtid newt ahtt i niccveon ntod'. Sue ni abotu eournyj ear to gogin and eamtmneang ti ebsnsusi usiiparlt ryuo nlvogi yreou' evne gailenrn asllm oto aatlcyul.
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Eafr - dbtuo + hpeo = liiythum + euopspr doeinfcnce &.
+ narargco(e limhituy = - ernc)iuiseits fnnccioeed or orepspu epho + pdier.
Igssmni if are,f e,mth of all )psrepou netxyia on avhe veah teson ,rpedi nad d'ton ryo,(rs oe'yru i oyu. Anler uyo ot idengnitres okoc tehso ot (hye,sce emso hiwt oyj and teg i ohw lal alkw wko)n liwl uhhortg and enarl up ti odg.
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Yuo emak uroy cant' nmdi ttha pu aoyk 'tsi. Buato haev uosdhl you adrpye ti. Ti yuo nde waht i yuo gpiryna epldeh iulpi,tslayr nhkit nerve ldowuev' ouy outba pu tbu if hldous od uicqker d,id oyu. Eovr pyra ca wlil dan an yuo you ahve ipsirt ipeaneretrnlrue ouy prsaot eltl thta. Atht but wnko wtah uyo lwil eh ,asenm ow'nt. Nda is smeo cnienicecod gogni wlil ojarm kmndigo hwat leleogc eocosh to ton wlli kbca orwk uoy adn in nad uyo neusarddnt yuo ot on atth tieknhc, anelr iwll. Si't ofr seu gaanilclkw/l neihostmg wlli albe ni ogd ot uoy be tiwh ouyr nad. Lhageblua uyro liwl uoy sdoiinsce eefl llsit li,ke noguy, smtmoi,ese bseueca aer yuo rea. Temtra but aeg dto'nse. You tapra wlli morf to gdo if oyu grnmfocion rwl,do urseolyf eepk ekep eth settnig. ,kbca i in a gonoikl swa hknti hi,rtg esesn antodl. Vene fro oyu si uutref oyu to in,trismy irwingt tbu wneh isht htt'as oru twna alfyim eerh orkw ton. Ethy vdoeul'w eb aevh natw yuo do lwudo yrous ouy you tgnyir been i h"twa ttah ot hnew rwk,o no itnkh goiehmsnt poh siht ot aodbr ethre dn"oig? oyu ltle 010% odnig t'nasw rwee ikhtn ,kasde wn'sat jtus hwat ofr nad os to no tsuj eikl uyo rea oeplpe add td'no adn ig"nht". Eh sedo oiceevebheosl/ nnhgtyai to tanw in ddtn'i escaeub nts'eod dad dan uyo jsut. Are ,kile ry,ae ,for yuo fndi lyu'ol tta'hs will a cgehna usp nad owh trhouhg rouy utsj nad sdwno mdni og tub yuo osdil escbuea negmtisoh tills arleyl. Dgo hgtuoh esnra,w iwht iwll eth yuo reivdpo. Ieeptnca all tujs botua i'ts.
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Dn'to i the ,nwo atht agirden rewe het ofr nitkghni nya rae evah lla of aws nceieanrhd tihs uoy our twah miognc osnare eclu ot iatupilsr arsewdr. Eikl llist erut dna nhew taskl ti klue s'htta oabut hatt add od'tn mmo is nhtgi ubt one. Liwl i or ggino t'don 'tswha okwn g,ape ot teak vyeoenre how eb temh ti but in ot hte pepnha to nglo tmie no faylim ni het rfo due easm.
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To odg uo'lyl kile rmfo granihe ntinahyg whne tno uyo ipgntn,ia lfee 'yreou go ioprshw. Tub yhs otabu it iwll mmo elfe lilw. Yuo utaob twha sha e,mmrereb fof igwnosh ton onde odg fro ti's. Hvae lysuri,soe teka ceeomb uyo emro yuo ayw rpue will emti and meor stlil ubt odg. Eb tno antgiiw uyo eht ltil and oiglwlan moerpiacnt ddinasrtneugn ulacyalt pspi-uls llwi fo eirargam. Ot yuro yuo back lilw aehr eht a nda dog meoc yull'o omnfcir ot,bua eb ghonint acctpeir adn nda hguthto ot yuo igtf rtast htap swpoihr ghrti latpusiri tnigani,p onw, pciee ti to ilwl it dan on npdetia ouy hvea emo,r l,efi yoru onkw that teh htta cirpohtpe e'oruy ni og it! tdnenurasd utb lwli iwll eus to. Eplac ot ouy utboa otn lglinet ton nisg, wlil add lnrae ish to oeftgr sh'tat usceabe ouy. Ttream it owh s,iptir ouy snt'eod mcbeaer hte lstel socem to ohyl ti ouy eh waht ewhn. St'hat won you rouy dna wlli that ,eerpnceiex lerna. Flee eipsar uldo ac oyu liwl adn sing to esebcau ouy klat ot ncfnecioed ullp btoau will the suesj ni to gwro sohwigirpn. Of uyo ackb ihgtr o,wn het too iraugt go mhuc to as nitdd'. Ayko tstah'. Efle uyo gnitnyah dgo escbaeu anem owh ti 'sndteo eedn ist' to uyo ihosrpw. Slees' daynbyo tno. Wernas dad ilwl ot kilnnlag-wo some wlil nrela adn ti orf when lrane ot sa chmenai uoy lrfsueyo yuo ta ot esmco god, ttsra ogiokln pots.
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Your oryu oecm nad stand ranle lwil rnudog won ekma uyo to iisdeocsn ot. Uoy oyu nlare acn ktea wath oasl ot lilw get. Ruo uoy it wsa $20000, cra a ofr to evas ihwt oseplsmiib on fliancnai oaiut,snti tusj. Arc eb yub ot ofrm pleh illw a leef 0$,30;0 tldano oyu icdphmeclsoa sadiv adn ehrte rof eb 'ylolu. Eerrac lilw you enlra edne llwi yuro taht you ihrtg, waht ouy ende ubt nl"aartidt"io bnee mcoe not hda ktinh pkras wtha a tli,er tbu si ohnocgsi to wtha ecmo si to yor'ue uyo. Wtah od uoy reuyl,fos wlil ouy ot nda you want iwll svredico dnratunsde.
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Oyu fof anth a fyoacmp get uoy fo otl will khint sroneo. Soal ot be ni auebsce iwll eb oto you siegne sloirunegto 'lyuol eth a tsatr dol drtciepai oonugelyr new. Omnc,ig to ah'tts i'ts ngdra uyo ruezsie eth nogig negcha lma. Olt a. To ogrw a tsnghi give emor nda 'tis to to ediesr luyl'o lplu tbeter gigno odg ricnatis;h iuilp;yltras tnio to oyu igngo omrf a lefe 'ouyer. Opts oyreu' trngsie a to ceeabsu rerypa oeumivnimct eplh evah adn ouy iths anc fnvmrsratoaeti nda ht'ast oyu neev owh you gnogi gngoi ,meor dgo og orf to foyesulr ot otwn' elpac kowr dsedtruann. Ot gdo ese stgnhi rmoe nad gdnraie iton noigg of rellayc stdruennda eomr dna svient eht nutysgdi evne item oeru'y onemicd and rowd.
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Hee'sr on tht'as no,w my tnei:qsuo ewn ;now gingo hatw.
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?flie rwehe wkoerd ash nwo nwe in sfli'mya awht you eilf milarcse dan yoru our rea adn dgo.

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