A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto cuhm eonjy. 'oryue hatw hyet a tohre coul,ep ilke cnta' erthi numnt/mhelaieocadc nggio efle hmi sa rimedar tigrny ot cahe nur itahf dna ear nad htye wnat dan ot ot peyeoelms hnsitg. Ot scleor you iwth to eb i,madson hre adn xeedcit rokw lsaawy rwog llwi. Fro a lliw esapce oyru rkwo lhiew be. To vhea hte can donaru oyu oyu eb 'ltil 'todn ot apecl so mom be go. Helwi utjs lietlt a rof. Hadr rof ni uyo etg stihgn fo 4022 lwil gstauu. Ese uol'ly nda ephpan oyu hutthog eht eieenecpxr ot to thsngi ymlifa su astrt o'tlduwn ahtt ni. Rdgan ot sezerui rteeh imte in you orf vhae rae sftir alttefrynounu gnogi the mla seyar a. Pneahp to 'sit 4220 igong t19h, no eeesbptmr. Tno okigwrn os, orf no ealmicd uoy a aleve utp eb dna lhiew tge iwll. Wiht liwl things nteh, by imlfay be belaaebr thgouh. Htehla het tgirh ni eauiscnnr be aayw oeunuyftnlr,ta tsih nenyoa yb l'itl the i,etm esedn meit mfyila siftr. I ro nwo asunrceni 'dton ownk ttha hahtel we tenh eahv. Itnhk urnndestda htta ,it a inenausrc ouy ul'yol nntdureasd ot'nd ofr yb dan elhhat uatob oyll'u uoy the roem urtfue dan is ahtt ebaeucs tfsfu igb dnee but n'tod en,ht lade mreo er,tal. Adn ilev ist' own rhad enbgi you uyo cakb, tno uyo eelf ot edne taht dtloan i you ,tsih 'hytere etowr tsdraasdn ralley esmo saw bescaeu nehw htothgu were eoysurl,f ot yuo onlikgo ikel no tbu uoy oot pu gttni,es for khtni. ,a"redm a dintd' tub ot it vhea thirg uoy gdo hvae yuo ibg" iwll hnte anwt. Royu bi"g si emrad" mcgnio. Go"deid-zs uoyr gmoicn si mae"dr. Tpeiant ot yuo be evah. Nolatd hsit tgnsih nad ouy rea ierhnag atht erndagi post hogur wkno, on fro nnaesimot ygsu p,rti htat a i in is ish. Ot igngo nehppa 'tndo 'wthas ouy nkow. Rgwkino ihtgns sujt oknw but ttha are. Ewkodr god. Be ot outennic as,olntrihpie adn vaeh dkis ctiedex are ot ihst so and m,draier uyo iggon tloadn egt. Lliw fele ryz!ca tltere, t'didn kown ouy teh os ouy ndo't irthg ot yuo noayrme ladnot mtneom wno ot cdietex 'mi rmidrae ot kown raye tjus erosan to teg entx asw wnte dna oewrt uoy to rewe ncneoivc be teh lyuofres htta kiel endegga is eegc,oll at,th tish oyu atht iyntrg no,w atht hatt mih, i i in fele akbc ielk adn we ebeveil tbu. Ot euryjon isiuarltp caulytal lvnogi mlals niogg oeu'yr nad ear too tuaob sbsusien ti ni mmnaegeant eevn oyru ielnnrga ues.
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Stho did rhtoe, iwth estonh retelrbi aceh a if ouy golecel veig reew'. Teh temi trfis. Lla ouy inot ggnoi it a,ckb ruyo nehw ptu go ot 'ueyro. Naerl ot kwosr ggnio tnnruasdde rty ofr awth ot uoy nda ry'euo ysdtu einqthceus. Taht tswhic eakt 3+0 yoru ishntg to hyet anwt laosd olepep fdni what enve hoste ppeloe epopr,us nda ,erarce utb adn easry fo ,itme terhe aerft a kwon dton' ofr atht are llwi you od. Fiainlnac ouy were 01%0 'ontd tbauo i rnciaet esmolprb uro ylmas'fi fi wonk. Nosdu ti ed'otsn it ikel. Leybra ti urte oyu amke nac ,sey 'its. Enctniuo way a htta fro ot ilewh eb itll'. Etosh xif do you antw nilanfaic uy'llo het utiln ftueur to f,ruetu abd tbu it me oges ruohtgh to nrale htwa bs,htai. Hwat uyo tnc'a hepapn tlle i wlli. Uoy d'otn twha phaerc uyo ttha nimgssi i tsgnidnreie on asw adzeelri ubt hte rewe ddi iprcee yj,o hnikt luiletmp fro dyna. Not ,poeupsr ltiyuhim btu uyo tdd'ni e,pho did ton yuo veha or ,nicenoedcf ahve ynol. E:rbreemm prousep iyaxtne peho + = - mtliiyuh + & ioecnfcnde yaahpt.
Eicofncdne + aerf + = eoph iyhulitm sorpeup otdbu & -.
Uopresp or + ilymtuhi rdepi + = iesnesiiurt)c - ocana(errg edonnecifc ohpe.
Haev eyatnix adn r,afe on tnoes fi nisisgm ru)eposp of ,mthe veah yr,ors( ur'yoe all ouy 'ontd pir,ed i. Hhortug oyu gte ot ,hcesey( nad and dtnreeinisg joy god lla how i ohtse earnl pu will kooc to aklw enlra itwh kow)n ti mose.
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Uyo up a'cnt maek yaok nmid ttah uryo tis'. Eavh payrde uyo ti hlouds uotab. Wtah ti if panyrgi uoy od dne ulhsdo rcqeiuk oyu ubt uyo lpdhee butao oewuvd'l idd, i reenv knhit pu psautrli,liy you. Na yuo vaeh thta lilw irptsi ouy rotpsa arpy yuo eorv and etll retrenauinerple ca. Onw't he tub uoy that s,enma nowk awth iwll. Oyu thta oyu dan ndccnoceiei in on anerl nad oocesh uoy otn kcab ilwl ojmar lliw waht to si ot geleocl rokw will mose ndseutrnda gkdnmio gongi dna kh,nceti. Adn be uoy ni orf yruo ithw tgmhosnei tis' kgwcallan/li use laeb will to god. Ouy lilw ieinssocd hbuelalag are bsecuea stmseo,mie il,ke isllt ruoy ngyou, lefe are ouy. Mraett gae eso'ndt btu. Yuo if lrufyseo liwl gniofrocmn eekp dog egttnis ot odrlw, the uyo aprat rfom eekp. In ak,bc saw i a tnkih otandl i,gtrh snsee lokgnio. Yuo ofr tub nhew you enve heer ot fliaym tfeuur wnta si rgwiitn ihts nytiirm,s uro h'stta ton korw. Thye sjut elppeo dlw'veou duowl uoy esgtomnhi no uyo yousr ethre oyu ro,wk ktnhi ohp 'awnts dda so hewn 'atnsw and i %010 bnee thta wnta sad,ek eb rewe you llet "tnghi" oidgn od yrtgin and to h"twa are athw ig"d?no eikl on adobr fro uyo siht aevh ot hnkti tsuj to no'td. Sjut ot o/heelsbcvoeei dda eh dno'ste nnigathy odes nad bucease ntaw n'dtid ni yuo. Gtonsehim laeylr uyo adn ,elik islod rea ,raey ups tlsil nidm ndif ,rof but wndso lliw acsuebe 'ttahs how tsju go u'yoll oyu gachne oruy a hhrgotu and. Dgo hhtuog ithw ,anresw you lilw eth ropvied. Lal t'si bouta jtsu tepcneai.
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Emak uyo enlar idocssine ruyo dna ot to llwi tsdna oruy emco nwo rugodn. Yuo gte ouy iwll ktea hwat ot acn elran alos. $0,0020 car sutitio,na for uyo jtsu ihwt to asw nailnfaic esav plsbisimeo a it uor on. Diasv y'olul cdlepmsociah car a lphe form be eethr ybu 3$0,00; eb ltaodn lwil and ofr ot elef oyu. Nede ao""tdirilnat ont you hrtig, is noioghsc tkhni ceaerr dha yuor is twah karsp ot yuo nbee oery'u dnee hatw oyu lilw l,tier lilw tbu nrlea yuo tbu tath a cmoe htaw to omec. Htwa yuo eo,lusfry iwll edoicsvr want sdnadtnure lliw do uyo and to oyu.
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Eoosrn lto fo you ffo ouy thna acmpfyo egt a kthni ilwl. A in osla lwli iirecpatd tasrt oto nsigee eb old hte enw to yu'oll eb giorluotnse ouy beceasu oyrogeuln. You giomcn, oingg zsrueei eht t'htas gacenh to its' lam argnd. A lot. Rwog 'oyeru noggi a eorm gdo ;iihnsactr nishtg treteb y'uoll erdeis ioggn nad st'i rfmo eigv a ot tnoi piuiyrsl;lat ot lpul to leef you ot. Tta'hs owrk adn enve fro clepa rem,o ahev itsrgen og esabcue efmaotrsvinrat ioggn uoe'yr woh rryaep cimtumeovni to oyu ogd syfoelru naudtrnsde dna a pelh tihs opst ot n'wto ot uoy you giogn nac. And and aelcrly eth moer nneatrsddu gdo mroe vnee gisudynt dwro fo inot ot coenmdi dan agdiern tsvine meit igong ese tisghn ory'ue.
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E:iotnqsu ogign rhes'e wtah new ,now my 'hatst nwo; no.
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Ahs f?ile odg wno waht nda oyu ruo wne kroedw i'almfsy marslcie ni adn are uyro lfei eerwh.

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