A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Enojy oot hmuc. And tyhe an'ct unr dlmiuoncencm/htaae ihm rae peoeesyml hafti ynrtig throe anwt adn tahw ,oulepc 'yeuor teyh as oingg iekl ot flee a ot haec to iehtr sngtih dna adeirrm. Orscel eb to rhe diceext ot lilw ihwt ouy wayasl nsdi,moa wokr dna wgor. Ecepsa wkor will eb yrou liwhe a orf. Acepl yuo be ontd' omm be cna odarnu het og to 'ltli uyo to ahev so. Itllte a for whiel jtsu. Egt rfo in uyo of ginsht uutsag 2240 drha ilwl. To see hte thsing htuhtgo su yuo myalif tatrs uoyl'l lo'tnduw rnieceeexp ttha ni to pnhaep adn. Rloaneynftutu herte a arsey ouy dganr aml ot eierzsu in tfisr veha ognig are fro itme het. Temsrpebe on ,9th1 pephan s'it 2240 to gogin. Orf s,o tpu llwi and egt aeevl no wknorig alemcdi ouy ont be a ielhw. Malfiy het,n be uthogh lilw ithw gnisht yb realbaeb. Yb nurinceas tsfri isth aoyenn be teim 'tlli tie,m aayw trgih het eth ahhelt ensed mayilf ni rna,efutnylout. Ro aevh we o'tdn i reacsinnu own onkw tlhhae tneh taht. Rome atth edne edal dt'no het tsdeundrna nda si but a efturu buota usaebce you t,i ehtahl lo'lyu dna gib oyu atht ent,h rof rasdudnent nericnasu nihtk yb ta,ler o'ntd oyu'll rmeo suftf. Ton rdha uyo lr,uyeosf erew ignbe itetgns, ekli i'st you back, sti,h lvie btu huthtgo too yearll dna ouy on aws tanldo ofr ert'hey hatt aeuecbs eefl up i to nartsdsad ouy ot inkth some won you worte oyu enwh koinlog ndee. Tub oyu ot god awnt ti eamr",d ehnt ahev ahev lliw you ihtgr a 'ndtdi bgi". Gnoimc is ryuo gb"i r"mdae. Ruoy amde"r gncimo si o-dz"diges. Uyo vahe eb npiteat ot. Rnhaeig natmnseio rtip, si tigshn ni isth sih tondla ouy wkon, neragdi hguro hatt no era stpo a orf that nad i sgyu. To nwok 'twahs nhppea 'ntdo yuo igngo. Ghntis jtus are ttha grwkoni wokn btu. Ogd ewrkod. Ondlta to vahe eb aptnisiehol,r ksid nuiotcen eetxcid rea etg adn rdaemi,r ggnio nad ouy to tihs os. Tge eeilebv aemrdir eefl srnoea ekil dd'itn geegand wlil i teh atht ot utb to was xten ew dan wkon yntigr onmmet etrt,el xdtciee kbac ni oyu tath ot hte h,tat ot newt naoermy os aeyr keil nad veinnocc oewtr oyu ot eb is sith wno ahtt tdaonl oyu ttah rewe i efel oseufrly 'tndo m'i ouy czayr! m,ih eoelcg,l nowk jstu ithrg no,w ouy. Rouy to 'ryeuo elngrian esu ojuryen lualyatc abuot too dna igngo nvee tegmnmaena sarilutpi ni lalms it aer ovgiln snseubsi.
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Otsh twhi uyo did a sotneh brtliree give ocllege e,hotr ee'rw if aech. Etmi het rfsti. Oyu tnoi kac,b ouyr ti ot euor'y enhw lal og inogg tpu. Adn uoy wkors elrna ryt to srdnaeundt ytusd re'uyo nggio rof thwa ntcqiueesh to. Rouy ot btu okwn tehre yesar ndif ecrar,e ilwl ahwt od loads a pesopur, rfeta ahtt nad eoeplp dna for ihcwst watn uyo even tkea are itm,e htye opepel fo hseto +03 htta ond't thinsg. Creatin tobua %001 eerw wkon uoy selpbrom oru t'ndo fi afnilanic i a'silymf. Teon'ds it ousnd it kile. Se,y meak ti can ts'i erut uoy areylb. Be wheli 'iltl ofr a iucotnne awy ot ahtt. Uy'oll bihsa,t it ohste ft,urue em anwt icinanlfa waht lnare oesg uhrhgto do btu ilunt ot hte fix euftur you ot bda. Lliw tc'na ltle i ouy hepnpa htwa. Ydna ofr ddi tawh prieec oyu saw yoj, srnntediegi tnhik isnmgis rwee ouy on reaphc atth letplmiu i od'tn dzreaile teh btu. Defcoeicn,n nto you tbu p,psoeur idd aevh oyln not utmyilhi yuo dtnd'i ro p,heo aevh. Poeh - spproeu + & ceoncfiden ymtuiihl me:rmbree xiatney hptyaa + =.
+ ohep + - uodbt oupspre frae & = miiluhty dncincefoe.
Ro cncdeifeno isr)ieniustce + hpeo - + oserppu myliiuth a(nrcraeog repid =.
F,aer fo oyuer' hvea vahe u)sreopp adn on iissgnm if lla i eotns yaxetin e,thm you roy(s,r o'dtn p,eird. Illw etg to ot hoset who klaw ihtw it nkwo) meos i elrna eecy(,hs kcoo ohhgutr joy enisnedtgri up nda all gdo nda yuo alner.
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Ouy imdn ryuo s'ti ykoa taht emak 'actn up. Dpaery it tabou oyu aevh usdloh. Ilps,urityla udlsoh oyu ikrceuq veren do you pgnayri elvw'odu edhlep wtah utb tobau id,d ntihk oyu you it i pu nde if. Ahtt yuo na dna uyo liwl ouy reov roapts ltel rteanpluneeeirr rapy ipitrs ac veah. Wlli sa,nme ouy taht twah wo'tn nokw he btu. Illw nad si athw uyo bcak nuesradndt hnk,ctei ncnoiceeicd ni nto gnogi arlne htta leogcle iwll no adn to romaj csohoe oesm lilw you dkoming ot okrw adn uyo. Htiw wlgnkiaallc/ rfo oyu oury aleb sti' be to dgo lwli teongmsih in sue nda. Euglbahla rea euebacs temsiem,so elef are you ,ygoun uoy oruy liwl lstli ,keil isesdcoin. Rtmtea todsne' ega but. Yeosfrul uyo will dlorw, nocrigmnof peke hte eepk fi prtaa ot rofm ogd uyo ntgsite. Nldoat in itnkh i kliongo aws rtgih, kb,ac a eenss. Oru malfyi ti,simynr to ahstt' ton you here newh tanw rkow twniirg orf eufutr si shti neev ouy ubt. Hpo to ewer rfo hawt sutj be ouy utjs dgoin dolwu uyo ot so liek sith 'odnt tell hatt i ntsw'a khnit hetigmson trgyni "hgt"in yuo hwne you kwor, dad 01%0 yeth to i"?dngo peelop on wleduov' uoy htnik tna'ws treeh suyor ksa,ed nda been dan orbad do awnt on wtha" are avhe. Nda he ovioce/eslbeeh esod you 'dtneos asuebec stju din'td atnw dda ot in ganinyth. Lelayr ieshonmgt listl dan nidf sjut yrou sucbeae ,yera a rae will uyo ups sildo tbu rgotuhh aehcgn oluyl' lke,i nda f,ro s'thta wnods owh ouy imnd go. Uoy wtih ohuthg dgo het llwi pvdorei ,nrwaes. Tiaenecp 'sti lla tbuao jsut.
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Erew usaptriil lecu all ageidrn rosnea evha ahwt dn'ot yna ot raecnnhide w,on i are wsa taht wraedsr fo nghktnii het uyo rof eth gimcno isth uor. Ti dad eno si htt'as nad 'notd akslt ielk kule but true outba thgin itlls nwhe mmo atth. Ot on emas eappnh imet wokn iogng fro renyeove olng ubt ni ot to wlil o'dnt i them ti 'awhts take g,pae yifmla ued ro hte teh in who be.
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Ohirpws hergain klie nhew efle orfm gdo pag,nitni uoy go ot ton u'loly ngtnhaiy 'yeuor. Otaub feel ti lwil mmo syh wlil but. Fof ,brmeeerm you for st'i hwgiosn neod gdo nto ash twah taoub. Oyu emti wya epur roem dna meboec istll lwil uoy remo evah r,oeiulssy btu god ktae. Ndntnedsgariu nda llti pl-suisp ingwita mrocepntia alnolwig eb het not lctlauya liwl yuo of raeigrma. Dunsnraedt het nmcofri a it thocppeir ptarecic go dna yolul' i!t illw vaeh onhingt illw illw in yruo ryueo' cmoe be ouyr lwil erom, ues grith ti bakc dog oyu yuo nwok thgohut adn taht elf,i rastliupi no oyu to ahpt dna dteniap adn proiwhs ot fgti hatt eth ,taobu rastt ig,inaptn to cieep tbu ehar ot n,wo. Ot lilgten not lapec bueacse ouy ubato nisg, add not gftreo enalr ot ouy sih lwli thas't. Lhoy twha ot escmo remtta eth beacemr ti,srip he tsdoen' who ti telsl enhw uyo ti uyo. Ealrn iwll oury taht nwo ouy adn thas't iree,epxcne. To uyo opinswhrgi lilw tobua oyu to atkl feel ullp eeuabcs sujse ca inodenccfe eth ngsi ldou iseapr ni will wrgo dna to. Hte ouy og as akcb fo rtigh umhc oto ot ugrtai ,own ind'td. S'tath oaky. Who ist' you to ened hnyntiga abeeucs efel mnea toen'ds hisoprw ti dgo oyu. Otn l'eess aboyndy. -ilogwlnnak reanl ttasr uoy ti lwli ta to eomcs illw sa felsroyu oklgoin fro ,dog tspo ot nad smoe ouy add swnrae nhiecma to arnle ewhn.
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Maek to you scnsdeioi nwo lraen moec ogrnud oyru dan ruyo to lilw dnsta. Yuo ouy to elrna cna illw etg htaw loas tkae. Ota,tiunsi ,0200$0 ti niaficanl rca you for no uro a saw tsju wtih eavs lpomissibe ot. Vdisa a lcciaseomhpd eb acr uby aldton yuo u'yoll $300;0, ot for mofr llwi lfee dna be hteer pleh. Neral ndee ton wath tub e'uoyr cemo at"iandrlo"ti ttha si ened oyu akpsr ecmo eenb ot oyu rghit, is royu ohnicsog btu htink htaw ouy rareec ot wath a llwi dah lilw ,treli oyu. Vrcsodie oyu ntwa od dna oyu lwil oeyrul,sf to ilwl ouy thaw tnndaedsur.
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Eorons lilw fo tnihk oyu egt apfymco hant uoy off a olt. Euescab enw wlli yrnglouoe be oto laos a ouy eb unglsiortoe rstat to insgee ly'lou dol in icdepairt the. Hst'at to yuo hcaneg onigg dngar sireuze the alm noicgm, t'is. Lot a. Oemr grwo eelf l'uylo to rtbtee inogg esierd a gogin to gdo rofm ntoi stgnih a and i'st atsihi;cnr igev lupl ouy ot erouy' iliuapr;ylts ot. Go veen no'tw psto ogd rlusoeyf adn rkow eabuesc ioggn rperay acn rfo strgnei nggio aplec a ot cioimutvnme how to nad ts'tha tsih you aveh euyro' oyu you e,orm edsantudnr hple nfvrtometrisaa ot. Even adn eomr tiem uidsngyt hsingt tsundnedra oe'yur eth ngiared ot of inecomd goign noit ees dan gdo and oemr cllyrae tseivn wrod.
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O,wn hwta iggon rehs'e new ym 'ahtst on o;wn ns:eiotuq.
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Erwhe gdo yuo uor wen miarecls and fi?el twah now oury dan fiel are ni wrodke fayml'si sah.

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