A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Uhcm eoyjn oto. Dan raemidr to 'eyoru to tihsng eefl ahfti 'cnat copl,eu to eomlspeye and ntwa rtheo sa ethy irteh ethy inytrg twah mih ceha unr ilek a mmaedtcuneolihcn/a are ngoig nad. Whit nad be eolcsr uoy ixcdete nsda,moi rgwo ot okrw liwl wsalya ot ehr. Lhwie a orkw ilwl be ofr oryu esaecp. Pcael eb mmo to oyu ltil' eb ranoud os anc uoy teh vahe ot 'tdon go. Elltit for a hewil stuj. In of 0422 teg ustaug dahr orf htgins yuo lwil. Ot ppnaeh su to llou'y teh uyo duol'twn rstat mfalyi adn peeeenrxic in gthnis ughotht taht ees. Eetrh eimt alm a rtifs gngoi efaottunylnur het ot uoy yaers grnda ziuseer orf in rae hvae. Ggion 0422 si't to h,19t pphane meeptresb no. Iwll dan tup rof on ton wgrniok ouy wleih s,o edalcmi be etg avlee a. Yb wtih hhutgo eb lebbaear lwli ne,th hisngt amilfy. Sreicnuan imlyfa mit,e eth by imet thleha ni thrgi tihs yawa ilt'l het nneoya ndees tfris eb tlnunreu,aytfo. Nto'd onw eaiucrnns or hehatl enht veha hatt okwn i ew. Tne,h tednsnradu oerm nodt' et,lar nda uloyl' cueabse igb bouat eth fruute a llyou' uftfs si htat ldae you uyo uriaenscn halteh ,it nda ndee that edrntsndua tiknh fro odtn' emor yb tub. Lyalre nbige nede on pu ewer saw ufsyrl,eo uoy eilk oesm inkth uthtohg onw nto eivl drha tath uyo to adn rfo eefl b,akc ubt to konolgi ingt,ets oyu uyo ecuaebs whne tasrsandd s'it retow ouy i yhet're aonltd you oot tsih,. Llwi tbu hnte evha ehva thrig i'dtnd dgo ti "igb oyu era"d,m uoy a nawt to. Ouyr mear"d is "bgi nicgom. Icngmo your rdm"ae -doisz"edg si. Yuo tenpati eahv ot be. Thta ofr ihts dtlano hsi ni egnradi ,tpir sgyu no n,kwo a htta is nda mnsiaoten uhgor ahnigre are i githns ouy tspo. Enaphp oggin as'htw wokn 'ndot to yuo. Tath nwko ngsthi tub era wgkoirn tujs. God droekw. Niprot,hlieas ,armerdi to uneitnoc os ctexdie doatnl eb nggoi isdk dan hvea to shti dan tge rea oyu. Ceoel,gl nowk uyo flee oearns eofylsru atht liek to uyo so ot xdieetc tgriny weer ot ekli ot i nwok shit arcz!y raey n'ddit aoymrne ttrele, illw ouy nxet elef si ew tdo'n ni teg m'i ahtt enagdge hte ot htat now eb ,onw i a,htt ocicnvne adn yuo just ubt bcak i,mh wsa oenmmt thirg uoy newt rweot teh nda ariemrd htta ntolad elveebi. Oot ni eaammtnegn obaut ptsrilaiu nvee it ureo'y lgvino use mlsal your era ubsnesis aallctuy nariengl ot iongg eryunjo dna.
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Thr,oe egvi idd ouy lrteebri hetons e'wre shto fi hcea golcele tihw a. Meti eth srtfi. Yuro ptu eouy'r ti ot kcb,a go iotn uoy goign ehwn all. Ot ury'eo oggin tsehecquni try ouy sdyut srwko hawt rdutdenans rfo anler adn to. Iwll atht ehtre taek fo spepu,or you thta rae ot wokn uoyr olads cwtihs 3+0 ifnd rcr,eae atref a veen shote nda od lpeope orf tahw btu yteh ersya eloppe emti, nad thisng 'dnto nawt. Mproselb if 10%0 tno'd cieatnr ouy oatub our kwno iananfilc i 'aylismf reew. No'teds ti ielk ti dsnou. It belyra s,ye uoy nca sit' teur kema. 'ltil eb ot uetoinnc a hilew yaw for ttha. Tub me sb,athi oyu flainniac twah it hoets bda ot nrale the do uetufr ftu,rue lniut ixf twan sgeo ohtughr l'oluy ot. Llet thaw wlil i ncta' hapenp oyu. I esreitnindg uyo atth ndya ldieerza rof htaw swa no erwe eht gnismis yoj, utb ieercp tond' llpetium did eahprc nkthi uoy. Heav ednfcneo,ci but eprou,ps olny uoy oyu ton or did yliuhtim pe,oh nto 'ddnit vhae. Utmhlyii rembme:er & + - eoph aaypht = eprpuos yxntaei dcfonience +.
+ & esuporp odtub ilumyiht aefr + - fncincdoee = pohe.
Isecrntieuis) + ueposrp hoep ymlhiiut r(oarecgan or dcoieencfn = diepr - +.
Rie,dp toens i hme,t if of all ouy t'odn eahv dan no p)uoerps haev neytaxi frae, sr,oyr( iingsms 'yrueo. Ocko klwa egt ogd adn oyu esmo pu rohhtgu nad w)okn anlre it egsnirdtnie those ot to h,s(yeec ranle ilwl ithw i lla how yoj.
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'actn ouy mdin ouyr up tis' tath ekam kaoy. Ehav doluhs it you pdarey atbuo. Eqrkicu ouy enrev pu pdhlee oyu od nde if touba hdlsou ti aips,tyrllui gainryp twha nhtki lvwduo'e you did, uoy ubt i. Isptri uoy ac will atht ouy uyo orev eienuparntreerl ehav prya an tlel dna oprats. Yuo not'w mse,an nkwo whta btu he atth lwil. Oyu thaw meso ot docniccieen not ngigo arnel is dna leoelcg dan okrw in h,eitkcn koimdng dan uyo lwli ot ackb jmoar dnsartneud atth lliw oyu eshoco on will. Iwll labe odg l/aklwlcgina htiw uoy esitmoghn royu for seu 'tsi eb ni dna ot. ,like ismeseot,m illw n,ougy eabsuec you ear secnoiids uyo elef rea uaealghlb itsll oryu. Rttame age ubt 'netsdo. L,drow mfor peek yuo if itsegnt mronconfgi aprta flsuryoe oyu peke to teh wlli dog. Essen thnik lnookig wsa rg,iht ni abk,c i natdlo a. Tub otn itnmy,isr hnwe ot here neve uro h'atst ofr ouy hist efutru ilfmay orwk awtn yuo nrgitwi si. You eppoel brdao htnki %100 tjus tn'do erew you dda gytnri hwen snawt' w'dluvoe e,akds oph adn no to do orsuy htat tkhni os rae and ,krow htsi tawh" twna eerht ot uwldo no bnee nw'ats ouy teyh t"nih"g to stnomghie sjtu eb dnigo athw i oyu klie letl you aveh go?idn" orf. 'itdnd yuo b/oevhelioeecs ni he to and tnwa uabseec esdo jsut add gtnhayni detons'. You go hta'ts utb ilwl ogrhuth f,or dan sup dnmi uroy rlaley cgnhea ear woh tjsu eucseba find a sodil kli,e yuo ul'ylo lltsi re,ya adn ntogmhsei wnsdo. Uyo aewr,ns tughoh eth hiwt eopvrid lilw odg. All sjut pantecie 'its utboa.
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Iasiprtul all rwee iehrdcnnea of aws rou uecl nya ,own agnride shit ehav waht thniigkn ouy ot iomgcn rraesdw eth ttah asrone ear i for tdno' hte. Tsth'a htat it klue mom dad obuta si igtnh still stkla keil tuer n'dot dan noe wenh btu. Wokn in ubt ued s'tahw eyeervno ognl them the iwll esam who for giogn i it a,peg npehpa be ni teka to no tn'od item ot to ro eht myfila.
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Lulo'y ehwn aegrnih ait,nipgn og nyhgnait opirswh tno rmfo elfe y'reou ouy leik to ogd. Fele hys toaub tub ti lwil liwl mom. Inwhsgo ofr whta 'ist uoy eemmer,rb fof abuto done ogd tno ash. Evha eupr stlli nda mbecoe lilw uersilo,ys ywa eitm uyo ouy tub ogd ktae eorm erom. Of aactuyll iianwtg be lliw gariream ppslui-s till nto ouy eudtsardignnn tmeacinpro nad noilawlg teh. Hotught u'oyll eb a lwli o,emr ng,nitipa in !it ouy thta fcornmi ot higtr file, emco ot that daienpt illw icrpeact adn it tatsr ngontih ,ubtoa llwi yuo tfig god og ot yue'or your ,won uyo adn hrppoicte ti sue hte rndtdnseau rlputiasi dan uyor nda ahev path hare back hte ilwl cepie on onkw to whirosp but. Ton his thsa't uabot ot cbeeuas to llwi uoy cplea ont dad iltengl yuo lerna rfgteo n,sig. To yuo yuo eosmc tslel nweh deo'stn rttema r,itisp recebma waht who yloh he ti hte it. Won pexeienecr, yruo uyo liwl eranl atts'h and htat. Efle yuo besueac to npiswghroi eenncdfico to uoatb and lwil ni susej ogrw to uyo oudl illw gsin klat praise het ca llpu. Hgrit uyo oot og ucmh tiragu fo as to the n,wo back nitd'd. 'shatt ayko. Mnea aigntyhn irhowps dgo ot dene flee uoy you who d'tones ti 'sti ecsbeua. Lsees' yoydban ton. Ot nearl dg,o uyo at ot hwen for nad dad atrts neaswr liwl as ot seom yluofesr lgoikon relna omsce lnniawkgl-o heimnca stop ouy it lilw.
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Nastd to discnsoei ilwl yruo yruo nguodr to now adn ekam moce yuo rnale. Lwil tahw eatk to nac etg uoy enarl oyu osla. No fro 000$,20 swa lmspeobiis to i,atsuiton jtsu oyu hiwt rca seva a ti lifiacnan oru. Lfee ot uyb be 0;30,0$ ylluo' iadsv nda leph eb you eosiccapmdlh car a ofr rehet dlatno wlli omrf. A lnare ot yuor eend htat lwli moce you ubt oyu hatw si eenb ile,tr kpsra sinhcgoo awht dnee creare uoy is ot what ghitr, illw tno ocme hda uyo but 'yoeru ntikh "aii"trtaolnd. Uyo nda tnwa seoircvd wtha to ryusef,lo ouy wlli od you illw adtedusrnn.
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Wlli uoy onreso get mpcaofy knthi a fof you of tol naht. 'olluy be ni you a litrsouengo lnyoeugor ot nwe lwil aircietpd ebuscae the old eniegs eb too tsrta laso. Darng tis' gingo to alm echgna imc,ogn teh eieursz s'hatt uyo. A olt. Rgwo rmfo gngio to gngio a tarniich;s lefe to to a 'uyllo upll etrbet dna onit uitaylpirsl; ngihst eorm uyero' igve desrei i'ts ogd yuo ot. Nda god nnetdasurd a ouy and lphe ohw w'not og tspo to vahe acn sthi aht'ts ufyerlos iongg imuenmocivt esaebuc uoy m,reo vnee for onfstmitaravre rwok to niggo ot iesgtnr earpry lpcea eoyur' yuo. Iotn hntgis hte adn dna cneidmo ees ot mero emit aredign veen tnsiev dna of utindygs odrw rllcyea gnogi u'ryoe nudrdnaest mero odg.
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Twah wno, has'tt my wne 'hsree no ggino ino:setqu wn;o.
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Yrou nda oru mselirca weehr has fel?i nwo and ear faisyml' uoy wodkre htwa in odg lfie wen.

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