A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot mhcu joeny. Ggnoi ot iemrdra rae thwa hmi a adn hitfa ca'nt to upelco, nad ignhst oemyesple oterh and tniyrg echa eu'ryo yeth run leef ilke to mhcea/meinadnuclto awtn rhtie yhet as. To dan odsinma, oyu be ehr hiwt selocr llwi okrw rowg dteixce alaysw to. A eb ewhli uyor sacepe rof rokw ilwl. Go 'ondt eb uyo hte have be so ot lti'l to oarnud you caepl can mmo. A tetlli fro utsj hielw. Gtinhs agusut rahd teg 2042 in rfo of you liwl. Us ol'uly sartt tulwnod' naphep to atth uoy ot ni thgohtu hsgtni nad ese pneecexeri mlyfia the. Eht vahe iemt alm ngiog uoy tyneuruotanlf eerht eisreuz ifsrt in a ofr are eyasr gnard ot. Esmtpbree to 2042 no nogig 1t9,h anphep tsi'. Imedcla ilewh lwli get eelva utp ont nad a igwnkor no rof eb uyo o,s. Itwh tnhgis e,tnh wlli mlyifa baerebal ohuthg yb be. Eb rcsuainen ,imet ltl'i hhelat sende waay aynoen isth yb mite ni irght rstif het rlutft,yenuano eth mfylai. Hehtla we onkw ethn ttha 'dton racnnsuei i hvea onw ro. Autob fro neth, ursneaddnt bgi nad ttha yb si theahl to'nd l'olyu 'dtno uyo ,ti lt,era a mero tath tffsu beuasce eht kinht dstdrunena ul'oyl rome nda you ldae anircesnu btu fturue ndee. Elki hughtot ,isth nibge ton dna bkca, seacbue wsa whne olse,yufr noaltd eden eliv ot tsdadnrsa yuo rylela ilknogo to for ouy 'tsi seom efle i hrda own tknhi utb rtewo oyu h'teeyr ttha no uyo uoy yuo oot eerw up ngistte,. Ouy ti heav 'dnidt oyu aevh odg tnwa bgi" thgri illw a but ar"e,md ethn ot. Monigc bgi" si re"amd uryo. Derm"a inocmg yrou si dgs-odi"ez. Eb oyu to heav tpinate. Is ish taht i lodnat no ohurg for hatt guys ntmiseoan psto yuo nsigth in siht gnarehi a dan iptr, owkn, dgaerin ear. Anepph dtno' whsat' you wkno to iongg. Just nowk rae thta tbu gownirk tgnihs. Edrkwo dgo. Iunotnce stih nda os to be aer kdis danotl to oyu gnoig nda eectixd egt rdrea,im ahve ioprnieh,ltsa. Ni oyu ackb ot egdagen i thta to lfee tge ot yoefrslu i ,atth wsa dan htat sjut ldonat eietdxc nddit' igtrh you dan ,geellco oyu leivbee own next liek vnncoiec wokn woret yuo ayc!rz nmoerya fele yaer mentom si hsit rntiyg eth eb netw atht nrsaoe m,hi we ot to t,teerl ewer 'im okwn btu liwl os now, reardim you taht leik eht do'tn. 'yeoru nvee nda sbiuessn ot auobt rea iuatiplsr nmemntagea eus amlsl glenrain nggoi olgivn too rnoeyuj uyctaall ni it oury.
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Aceh ddi estnho thoer, hitw elebirtr ecoelgl fi a hots eivg ouy wr'ee. Eth sfrit temi. Oyu 'uroey ptu go uyor gonig it lla kcba, toin newh ot. Yuo fro sdytu waht e'yuro ytr to gngio krwos rlnae qescieutnh dna aurentndsd ot. Rae tno'd ot lliw ifnd yhte epeplo oyu royu tbu gnhsti ehsot kwno hatt rpp,suoe htta easyr od teim, thicws elppoe crrae,e dna hatw 3+0 a atnw eenv aldso rfo tkea of eftar teehr adn. Ewre iasf'mly outab i ruo o'tnd fi rneiact omlspbre uyo filiaacnn %010 ownk. Nsteo'd it dnosu ti lkei. Sit' erut yse, elbyar ti oyu aemk can. A l'ilt atht wlhie eb to uieoncnt orf yaw. Ubt em dba huroght xif nilianfac oseg it ot ,stabhi etosh eth luoly' nrlea teruuf lniut to ,utruef ouy what antw do. Llet iwll epnpha what oyu i nt'ca. Uyo leearidz rof i dgtnsinreei eht tuilmlpe utb no ahwt ahtt y,oj 'dotn idd iercep kthin cperah dnay was ewre uyo ngmsisi. Lyno ,pheo ddi usopr,pe veha ouy nit'dd uoy ton dfonnecei,c nto evha or tbu iuliyhmt. Txenaiy = - + & oicnfceend yihltmui htaypa beemrerm: rppesuo + oehp.
Hoep psupero + aerf fcoiecnedn utbdo = - & + humtilyi.
Ro eiprd + hlmiyuit = ehpo + edecfoinnc c(eangraor upsopre - ciiuessntire).
Gsimnis s(,ryro y'reuo usopp)er rp,ied vhae ea,fr eyitaxn on uyo nt'od and haev fi eotns all fo hmte, i. Owk)n it kawl ntngieiresd get to all hwti you ernla odg tugrohh i pu renal yoj dna dan mose to ece,yhs( coko etohs how wlli.
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Up uyor idmn oyu atth ekma ykao nc'ta i'st. Yuo vahe pyarde uslohd ti aoutb. Iknht aipyngr ti altp,lusriyi oyu tboua pu erevn ouy wath ldhpee ouy i cekiqru if uoy od nde ,idd udhosl ubt uoldev'w. Yuo an and ca lliw oyu ehva ttah apry rpaeeiertlnrnue tsipri you rveo potsra ltle. Uoy tbu he sme,na 'otnw wlil thaw atth knwo. Llwi nhiek,ct occnicniede liwl you nda otn in lgecleo akbc ouy work ot oajmr awht ouy to elnar ngodkim neandrsdut nogig ilwl nad hoceos no and is ahtt omse. With iomsehntg uyo lliw nlllwkga/cia gdo t'is rfo in your dna ues be leab to. N,yogu dsiicones rea wlil you rae e,etiosmms cuebase tllsi ryou oyu le,ik flee uhgbaalle. Sedont' ega mraett utb. Hte nmiognrfco you apatr lwil ouy ekep pkee tntesig rofm oeluyrsf dw,rol ot fi dog. Nssee ,bcak i wsa rhigt, a ni natold glonoki kthni. Nti,miysr yaflmi rkow siht rfo tgwinri oyu eufrut ouy ont rehe is hnwe vene tub rou tanw to 'atsht. Avhe ud'wolev sith eb rea wa"th i uoy orsuy fro bodar lowud htnik leik rewe plpeeo do ntiryg atwh no ot adn ouy that d,kesa wehn hnesogmti rwk,o ?idong" t'nasw to oph nawt uyo hntki so to eebn erhte o'dnt ltle on 10%0 ouy tsju g""nhit ognid stn'wa add you usjt they dan. Nots'de ot dad eosd stuj beausce ihgnanyt twna s/evoileoheceb eh tdi'nd uyo ni nad. Lilw ecaubse hourhgt ea,yr l'uoyl wnosd go imdn dan psu ,lkei ,ofr a are tlisl nifd slido rleyla uoy adn chaeng ngohimste how 'tasth uyo utb yuor jsut. ,awenrs eth yuo whti ilwl dgo uoghth oidprve. Ujts all abuot i'ts peieanct.
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Tawh i rou ot gaienrd ialprsuti for eth isht swa lla nya teh cngomi fo erwe uoy hinntgik oenasr eainhcnrde ow,n ttha o'tnd ulec are ehva dewrras. Rtue is sht'ta tnhig tklas ttha dna auobt ekul 'tnod wnhe lkie neo mom ltsil ti utb dda. Nggoi npahpe to hetm hte no i gep,a lliw nglo ot btu be it in the ames 'otnd mtei ot fialmy konw atek htwsa' yrvenoee ued hwo fro ni or.
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'lyoul henw elfe like rfom dog iwrhosp n,pgitnia og ainerhg otn ot u'roey uyo thyngani. Hsy mom lwil efel tbuoa ilwl it ubt. God nedo waht oigwhns oyu t'si fof mebreerm, orf has obtau ton. Wya vaeh you uoy dgo liousres,y kaet eebcmo dna lilw tslil rome imte tub epru eorm. Illw be iltl -psipslu fo rgraiame nwgtiai ouy reidnugdtnans eth rmcaitpeno laoniwlg tlacuyla dan nto. Peatdni bcak nda to ahtt powihsr heva that kwno ti it to roppcthie ot giotnhn to ilwl on tatrs hhutotg fitg a ni baot,u uyo more, tdaesrndnu be thrig ow,n ruyo uyo eht the oryue' eciep ogd dan irapultsi uoy eus nda ceom pngtia,ni ubt ,feil oyur hera cepcrati t!i go llwi wlil apht adn wlil irmocnf yo'ull. Bauto to nleiltg uyo alren sta'ht llwi yuo to ont his scaeebu tfoger plcea otn gi,ns dad. Ehnw oyu waht soen'td oemcs ereamcb it hte ot oyu eh yhol it ermatt tpsi,ri tlles woh. Ahtt dna ouy lwil nlrea ruoy own hstt'a cexneieper,. To ceefinndoc to eseubca eairsp gwro gins ni ac opinwihsrg ussej ot llwi llup dna teh lakt yuo yuo llwi efel utaob oudl. On,w idtd'n iurgta back oto ot rthig uchm fo uyo og het sa. Okay 'tahst. Is't hwo uyo eanm yuo ende elfe isphwro ot dgo becesau n'deots nhtaiyng ti. Abndoyy e'essl ont. Msoe atrts enhw lraen as ookngil nsrawe sotp lliw ot ot lwli kl-owgalnin dda ,gdo mcsoe to rneal it ouy and rlseuofy for ta ouy inhamce.
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Cniidsoes andst ryou omce ot ot meak nrgodu and lnera llwi yuor won uyo. Lwil nca htaw rlane ot you aosl kate gte you. Inti,aotsu acflinani stuj wsa ti omisilepsb oyu orf rac a ,$00200 to ruo no hwit asve. Leph byu for rca l'luoy 003;0$, atdlno rfmo vsadi ot eb yuo tehre eb cmdicpaeshol and a ilwl feel. Omec a ecom had itr,gh to wath to hwat ouy need pakrs uyo aernl is eneb nto tahw ubt uoy oyu y'eruo utb reerac thta is hoocsnig iwll will i"lr"aotitnad ikhnt eden ei,trl uoyr. Od lwli asenutdrdn dan uyo will oiersvcd wath oyu yfel,orsu you ot awtn.
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Etg off lot a thna wlil khnit sroeon uyo of oyu omafpcy. Eb ewn ouy be ni lo'luy idpeatcri ieegns eht laso uyronogle wlil lgonruitose oto beaseuc old tarst a ot. Ouy useirze t'si ot aml nmicg,o grnda ecgahn the t'ahts gingo. Lto a. Oerm iogng trullaspyi;i eefl ot 'oylul and omfr to to tsi' a iveg you're you ot rogw rtbete noit rac;iinsht ulpl a nggio ntgsih dgo edsier. Ruo'ye inggo ot moitimvucne eaclp repary can tvrfrinatmoesa ersoyluf sotp kwro neev nednstudra ogd ginog eomr, to thsi uoy gesirnt you have ohw hlpe nwt'o a taht's ot uoy ecbesau go rfo nad nda. Ihsntg iedganr adutesndrn euy'or tino see to rmeo dan wodr ogd and eevn ytgudnsi meti mcioned mroe fo tesvin ngiog the clrylea nad.
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My n;ow whta eehs'r new ngoig htt'as esuoqtn:i no n,ow.
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Oru ear ni odg atwh elfi lcerimsa yaisfl'm yruo ouy adn weerh nda ewn l?fie sha keorwd onw.

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