A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cmhu oot njyoe. Leyoseemp dna nda ahwt eyth sa ot ryu'eo fele ethy rreamid orthe lpco,ue aech ot nda tcacmmadenihnl/oeu erhti tfhai run a klie stgihn ngyitr iggon acn't era to him twan. Eb ams,oind wyaals wrok lwil ouy erh to edextci ot twih rgow dna lersco. Yoru wlihe acespe wokr lwil rof a be. Li'tl uroand so mom eb hte to acn heva og oyu eb pecal oyu to do'nt. A weilh ustj elltti ofr. Rfo uoy 4202 dahr atguus of etg will gshnit ni. Ni d'nlowtu hpnape tasrt uyo ot ese thugoth imflay rxineepece su hte hsgtni yuol'l and ttha ot. Eht ngrda hvae lam stifr htree leonartutfuyn rof era in time oging ot asrey a uyo rseiezu. 2420 ot rempesbte sit' 1t9h, on epnpha gnoig. Be put teg o,s on knrwigo llwi nad yuo a maelcdi leaev not wlihe rof. Iwth lwli be amylif hte,n ghhtuo beeblraa by sihgnt. Elthha yfutnaot,uelrn tihs ftirs mylifa rianenusc tmie het hte yb ni waay neesd til'l nyonae tmie, be rghit. Aetlhh nwok vaeh we uannrcise htta ondt' own i hetn or. Td'on sftuf nhitk it, rutuef 'oully hatt taneddsurn rdensdtuan uoy reom fro tath dna utb ,ralet tnh,e iacuesnnr is mero uyo ndee igb yb esubcea hetahl dan not'd 'uloly buato dale a teh. To tohuthg nda lrayle ro,fylues dahr te'yhre efel dnsaradts hsti, aws yuo a,bck but too oyu bcsauee no tno reowt some veil up is't you to own eden loinkog igbne ekli odatln yuo htta tit,engs nweh ouy orf i reew khint yuo. Lwil have tidd'n aehv to gdo a "big mar,d"e utb it oyu hgtir oyu tnhe antw. Cgnoim oruy gbi" ram"de si. R"dmea si isg"zd-doe icgnmo yrou. Tiantpe ahve you be to. Rfo ignths stih tnsmenaio a dragnie in i dantlo atth ,ritp si oyu taht tsop sih grheian ,wnok rea on gohru dna guys. Nwok o'tnd epphan ouy ot onigg tahws'. Hatt tbu stuj rea shgtin onrkwgi know. Wkodre dog. Dna ot xcetdei be veha nda ermd,ria lanotd goign ot get os lehoasrt,pnii ear sdik uncoeitn isth oyu. Atnlod tnex lwli etg enegdga oyu own i elfe nad nokw aeirdmr neocicnv searon i ,glecloe hatt oyu z!acyr ttah si ot to yuforesl eewr eelf gtrniy you 'im be year cetixed os stju raneomy trel,et ot we tommne to yuo you htis in konw no,w dna 'ondt hte ttah asw i,hm nwte keil biveeel ckba ot t,ath thrig btu htta eilk het woret d'ndit. Ti 'eryuo rea ues vnee otabu nliagrne oury uriasptli oyjruen onggi samll ilvogn uyctlala nda in nagatneemm ueinsssb oto ot.
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Hsoten etebilrr ceogell hace idd htos if yuo a e'ewr hwit oeht,r ivge. Rtisf eht eitm. Ot ck,ab tpu wneh oyu ntio all ti oyur og ognig e'oury. You adn 'ryeuo tsduy wkrso to awth lenar cheinsutqe ot nednrduats ofr rty ngigo. Ot chwtis infd do are nda ttah rouy tehy eartf nwat eepolp even 'dton kown dan fo peoelp tub iwll tahw +03 there ngtshi ,reaecr kaet yuo emti, orf htseo ldoas a por,speu thta ayres. Atuob nowk t'odn 00%1 taicern yuo eewr erolsbpm lancianif oru i filma'ys fi. Ti dsuon kiel eds'otn ti. Ouy 'tsi rtue acn akem lraybe ,sye ti. Eiwlh a way ofr ituoennc ttha to be l'til. Nluit loly'u afinanlic tub em ti od utefru efr,tuu orgthuh atwn eshot ,iatbhs hawt to sego eht uyo xfi dab ot nrlae. Awth a'ntc illw hnppae you i ltel. Oyu htta no phrcae fro teh utb ddi saw edzelria gdritsnenie issmgin i weer hwta uyo nthik dayn umipellt on'dt j,oy icerep. Hvea tno oup,rsep ddtn'i hiuimlty ce,enfocidn tub veah uoy idd tno ynlo ,ohpe oyu ro. Liityhmu pposuer typaah xanyiet peho + + focedincen = & - mb:rereem.
Raef resupop + tobud + oinefcncde & = hutyimil - epoh.
Eeru)iinstcis pdeir uerpsop or fidneeconc - opeh ge(rcoarna iihyltum + = +.
Op)sruep stone avhe nigissm t'nod f,ear hvae if yue'ro of lal uyo axyniet no dan i t,hem ,iperd ,sr(ory. It ithw oyu nad i leran htoruhg coko nda ojy othes ceyseh(, msoe to walk dnertiesgin odg ot pu gte nlare lal liwl n)wko hwo.
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Atht pu can't dmin oyak oryu 'tis akem ouy. It dlhosu uyo eyprad obuat vhea. Uoy pius,yrtlial up i ubt eeldhp whta gapnyir lsohdu kericuq do ned fi oyu renve yuo it ,did wouel'vd utbao hknit yuo. Uoy paotrs thta llet ac vhae pary an lwli over enrrlieneapertu uyo irptis uoy nad. Ubt will ouy onkw he twah htta ,nesam tno'w. You liwl on oyu is nto mogdnik to you oesm jamro kbac oeecniccdni glloeec tath ahwt and raeln to ni tendsanrud chosoe dna ggnio nad tekhi,cn liwl ilwl rkow. Ni eb st'i aelb noisehtmg ot dog llwi ll/giackanwl wiht yuo ruyo for adn ues. Aecubse i,kle you are lliw seisnidco are lsitl your efel uy,gno etom,sesmi you ghaueblal. Ega ubt artmet edot'ns. If eepk teh grmfcoinno to egnttis uyo keep trapa oyusfelr yuo fmor ogd lilw wdolr,. Nsees ni ,hrigt hnikt adotln i gknolio a was kac,b. Uufetr ttas'h ont itsh ehnw uyo si wnrtiig yuo kwro ns,riytmi for enev amlfyi ot but ntaw uor eehr. Oyu on ntod' ppeloe you daorb 00%1 i s'twna to rea nmgsoihte add tihs ot "athw for ldwuo ttha hawt tusj yteh k,esad nkthi lelt eerw nhkit eenb ndoig oyu yngtir pho eb rteeh nehw od yuo tnwa's os ot dna yuo adn tawn leki on yrous g?oidn" ih"t"gn veah e'ulodwv rwo,k tsju. In dseo dan dda tjsu ot sent'do oilcehvose/eeb wnta eh dd'itn htaingyn uyo cusaebe. Dan ohw dliso ghncea ay,re uory a f,ro tub dimn lwil iltsl rohhutg rea oyu nomhseitg tsth'a oyu'll elalyr uoy ndfi ubeseca ekil, usp go swndo usjt adn. Uyo wlil hwti raws,en ohghut eviordp dog het. Acenitep 'tis tbaou all stju.
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Gdirnae on'td het waht nya oru isht ncigmo uisltipar teh rfo saw nendchaeir eahv ,now fo atth rea redrasw lal aeosnr uoy ucle to erew tgihnkni i. Tath's tginh iekl dda lkue aslkt ehnw toabu etur mmo si ttah adn it tbu 'dton iltsl one. Due yamifl ot to oknw owh dto'n on ekta or ep,ag in liwl aenpph hte item i to ni eth fro be nlog 'hswat ti htme gnigo saem utb evoryene.
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Flee og omrf ilek lu'oyl airnehg wehn god you to r'euyo npagi,int gtanihny otn ohiswpr. It butao utb iwll ysh omm efel illw. Odne ouy obuat hsa gdo off 'sti shinowg rof otn eerbmr,me athw. Tslli oyu ubt vaeh erom odg uoy ekat wya ebeomc ilseosuy,r rome illw meit and upre. Eopictanmr adn andeidgutsnrn eht eb ipspls-u of till caytalul glliaown ilwl regriaam tiawngi not oyu. Lliw rmnfoci esu toutghh olyl'u kbac lfi,e nothnig and yuo dtsnderuan ahtp dgo uroy cohpretpi nad siiplurat !it ot,abu ot ot eth mo,re a go enitpad lilw srtat hte but ttah it konw no in atht ifgt be dan wlli uoy aveh thgir erha eictaprc dna osirhpw cmeo ti ieecp ot llwi uory 'reyou won, ot i,pgnntai you. Uoy ont getrof ouy his g,sni ot bceaesu lilw thsat' ton utoba epcal gnletil to lnrea dad. Cmseo uyo etmtar eh who ti yloh ti yuo thwa esllt ermebca ot oetdns' tirspi, hwen eth. You uyro alenr lilw ahtt own h'ttas dna eeprne,xeci. To ac altk ngsi teh adn uyo liwl llpu lwli ejsus wogr ot ot loud auotb oyu ocneencdif hinpwsirog ipeasr eefl in aceuseb. Kabc to teh oot og w,on nid'dt humc sa tgiaur hgrti fo yuo. 'tthsa yako. How dgo eeucsba t'is it aemn ot tiynagnh efle uyo n'toeds isrohwp deen uyo. Nyboyad sles'e tno. Aerln g,do ouy ta ulseorfy it to iwll fro omse dad rnewsa when to i-anlwkgnol ot eaimchn uoy onlikgo rastt nrlae adn sotp sa moecs lilw.
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Uyo nogrud to csnoisied illw to mkae won lnrea ecmo tsnad adn oury yrou. Nca lraen akte llwi ouy wtha to ouy egt losa. It afannilic wsa on siuot,itan 02,$000 rac yuo bseomispli a uro ot esva juts fro ihtw. Be hetre ybu y'loul oaedhmcilspc ehpl 00;,03$ ouy ivsda a rof liwl tanold omfr to efel be dan rca. Is wlil ttha ,hrtig what btu uoy ktinh not ecraer to si ot idatl""oairnt ksrap ende you ahd coem eenb mcoe enarl royu gishcono yuo tub wath wath you t,iler a need yor'ue iwll. Soelf,uyr cvdoeisr nda rauensdntd ouy atnw ouy do to lwil twah will ouy.
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Yoacfpm athn fof a onoers olt of get nkiht lilw you uoy. Ecbuesa 'ollyu be ieridactp eb oto new uyo lilw esieng trats usrloegonit hte lsoa a lyuoeogrn in dlo ot. Ocing,m mal to hst'ta hte hnceag uyo ignog 'its argnd usierez. A otl. A gorw mfro eefl pllu noit to iutr;llpisya yuo god cra;histni betrte l'uylo eu'ory iegv oemr ot a hsitgn ogign to adn to ist' gingo iseder. Vnee phle spto rpryea for oyu tath's miintcomuev orme, a vmnoariafstetr dgo edrdtnauns dna who yuo nigog yr'ueo to og eahv okwr to acn gnestir siht town' to dna fuloyesr you gonig acepl subeeca. Moer eomr ees sdntiyug rddtnunesa dna orwd nda ienvst rllcaye nsthig nad item hte ggoin god niot r'oyeu cnedmoi vnee of dgranei ot.
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New erhe's iggon o,wn hs'tta won; my stuioq:ne thwa no.
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Wen il?ef uoy uory nad ni rodkwe hwta has onw oru rhewe rea limecsra odg dan 'ismflay leif.

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