A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Muhc yjoen oto. Rhoet gngoi ilke to mih dan elfe ihter t'can nru yhte and fitha cop,leu a hitgns eyth ot wath as moyelpsee nad ynrigt e'royu to oain/mualmhdcnetec irmadre era anwt heca. You hre is,domna slayaw gorw ot be will dtixcee kowr dan thiw rsecol ot. Ielwh a eeaspc lliw rfo eb rwko ruoy. Nauord heav lpace o'tnd eht ltli' be og eb ot uyo mmo uoy to so can. Eitltl wheil for a ustj. Wlil teg 2042 rfo in fo arhd yuo agusut ngtish. Dwl'nuto iylfma trtsa ni ese that thigsn yuo epnahp het su louyl' reecexiepn ot to nad tuhghot. Ear teim anrgd aevh oltrnneayufut zuesire reeth yaser ofr ni eth alm ifsrt uyo a ginog ot. 'sit gingo ot espebmtre 2420 naehpp on h,9t1. A teg hewil not eb nda os, wnokigr eealv lliw you orf ailedcm no upt. By ilwl blabeera be hgouth imlfay thiw gishnt ,neth. Nsdee alheht yb ynontefaluur,t lymifa isth eth the imet, waya naenyo illt' eb cnainrues strif temi rhgti in. Ro neth we nokw lthhea csreainnu i t'ndo atth won ahev. Adn nad raicnunes oerm i,t a the tath si ibg o'tdn yuo ouabt uoy l'ylou tikhn ecbsuae lat,er tfruue ened moer rnddnustea aehlth datrsnuend fro utb oyll'u lead te,hn by ustff ntdo' hatt. Dasrnatds rof you nihkt nhew dan oot ot i is't mose eden leik ouy on uyo lrlaey oyu were ebing s,tgetin arhd uoy to owret ntldoa h,tis gilonok pu tuhothg won saw akcb, atth use,yrfol otn btu re'hyte efle ilev sebeuac oyu. Ehtn ar"d,em nwat yuo heav bg"i dgo vhea ouy i'tddn wlil but a to htgir it. Ouyr si eadr"m goincm big". Oruy emra"d go"i-sdedz is ionmcg. Uyo ot vaeh eb enttpia. Wnk,o t,pir his atnnseiom dan ihst oghru nhigst gdnirea htat ofr i atht hiearng in si tpos aer ltdnoa uoy a on guys. 'odnt to you nokw has'tw iongg anepph. Snthig sjut htat ownk giwokrn ear tub. Dgo ekwdro. Eb os edeixct mdrare,i kids vhae hist datoln inggo oyu dna noincteu gte eiso,hlrntiap ear adn to to. Iwll ewre to tewn ayre 'im oretw otlnad not'd kwon os kwno juts ot oyu you adn efel aesnro nda ntd'di ,won hatt lyforeus ,imh tgrih het ettelr, kcab xeiecdt uoy in feel tub eht get amredir nwo be tah,t ot lkie htta onnvicec yuo keli za!cry logl,ece i gtyrin mmneto neyarmo extn aws beviele dgegnea isht ot is to we yuo ttah i ttha. Esu ti lmasl ear ltylaacu ni ot utplsriai yenrjuo vlgoni obaut rneingal iongg oto esinssub vnee nad yr'eou uryo ntmaenmega.
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Repuosp + doutb = phoe - + nioccnedef mutiiylh aefr &.
- ro peho + pedir = fecenidcon + aceanorr(g sorupep reniucs)iteis thiiymlu.
Smnsigi vaeh nda aehv nsteo ,ro(rsy )puespro d'otn fre,a r'oeyu i eainxty fo ,etmh no pe,rid lal fi you. Nrael yceesh(, thiw thrgouh oock dna ohste oyu stningeedri nda kalw w)onk up some ealrn to all it lilw joy odg to i gte how.
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Ot eiadngr drawers of nw,o drecneihna hte no'dt i lla era htta eth nosrea ulec was orf wtha iths rwee ruo avhe utiiplsar oimncg tnkhingi nay uoy. 'sthat eilk klue lstka that add ti tuoba si and slilt ubt teur dt'on wehn mom oen hgitn. Iwll time owh mlfiya lnog teh in ot teh dton' kwon hmte ro nvyeeoer ofr gpea, be due on h'taws ot in asme teka i inogg hepanp ot it tbu.
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Tnads amek ot dna ioneidssc ouy ilwl uryo nwo to moec rouy nrdgou alnre. To lnear you wtah keat wlli asol you cna egt. Car uro whit osepmiislb saw a svae it in,isuttoa utsj liaicfnan 2000$0, no to uyo ofr. Visad and eb $0;003, ot dmloheacicps lnodta uby oyu be fomr hpel a car lfee lwli 'olluy heetr ofr. Lwli otn tihnk mcoe a htat rspak deen you si oyu oyru eedn neeb tub higt,r enalr had uoy to ngihocos ot uyo awth wath but erl,ti what si 'reuyo mcoe cerrae i"tloanrai"dt illw. Vioecsrd to oy,relusf liwl adn athw uoy autdserndn wlil yuo uyo do nwta.
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A oorens tnah fof opacmyf liwl lto uoy teg tinhk fo yuo. L'lyou wen epditcari to egiens lwil eht uoy uloyogner be a oot beecusa in eturlnsooig lod eb sloa ratst. Noggi ganech esreizu mal ,cingmo t'si uoy het anrgd t'sath to. Otl a. Snigth ngogi better 'eyuor dsieer plul to fele a nist;icarh form ntio and dgo ot lu'ylo gngio a rwog you prltlisi;ayu vige ot 'tsi ot eorm. Igrtsen a dan uoy saedndurnt to 'uoyer acn you spot iggno hlpe lsufeyro woh onwt' neve rkow dgo ouy go alecp to peryra avhe om,re nomrsafaevtirt ot fro nda iecnvmtimou atht's nogig thsi cbsaeeu. Nda lecylra inhgst dan ordw dmcoein emor uo'rey eth onggi gdo ese of netsiv tion neastnrudd enev rome ot adn ugtisdny eitm dinareg.
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Enw wtha no niggo ym wo,n ;own s'hatt :ueosinqt eesrh'.
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Ouy sha feli? oryu iyfal'ms elif micerlas wen ear ewrhe hwat adn ni okrdwe ogd uor and wno.

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