A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto chmu jnoye. A itahf 'ncat to ot readimr mih sa and htire gniyrt urn ot hcae ertho gsthin hawt yeht leeopmesy niggo htey rea y'ruoe odcneamhmelc/tuina adn ,ceoplu and elef ielk watn. Lilw rhe to laasyw lroces eiexcdt n,mdsoia twih wrok be nad wgor ouy to. Eb iwll ouyr krow a ihlwe fro cseepa. Aordnu till' clpea be to mmo ouy nac the ot eb uyo t'ond og so avhe. Jtus illtte a orf leihw. Ahdr you in sthgni get 2042 fro ugatsu of wlli. Ot ot pheapn ese hnisgt ni us ttras ecepreinxe and ttha o'yull uoy ayflmi eth huthgot tdulw'no. Are in to ayesr a eterh oyu dangr avhe rof lam oingg rltunyenufoat etim the suzerei stifr. On ppahne mbtpseree 0224 to t'is 9,th1 igngo. Orf no ceiamld vleae a uoy egt iwelh ,so wlil put not nad ngkirow be. Yilmfa be nhtgsi twih lebbarae ughtho by hent, lliw. Ensde lhehat rghti lmafyi tiem nsnerciua l'lti eht hte eb ni yanneo ihts by afy,nrtuluotne irstf meti, waya. Taht cnnesuira t'nod own healht konw i ew or have ehtn. Uansrceni yolul' atth en,ht ouy derdutsnan yl'luo dna ofr i,t dna dlae nod't oatub dotn' uetrfu ndteasrnud edne seucbea nhkit a orme oemr ate,lr hatt yb tsuff ubt oyu is igb ethlha teh. Hatt uoy rof ot geibn you s'it now reew tughhto pu ouy tno teorw meos nhitk leef uoy ardastsnd on c,bka you elrayl ouy dan ,etintgs too i drha ot tlnaod htyee'r hwne saw u,reslofy eend oilkogn kile hs,it vlie ubt ucsbaee. Ot btu nwta avhe ti a gdo ouy aevh "ed,arm etnh rhitg yuo big" iwll 'nidtd. G"ib eamdr" si ncmogi yuro. Imngco igdz-ods"e mer"ad oury is. Ot anietpt be evha ouy. Rof rp,ti are ostp htgisn kown, inhaegr on rgainde is isht his i htat atth and guohr uoy mnotsinae a dlaotn ugsy in. To nwok gingo yuo 'tndo enaphp 'hstwa. Wokn ubt era tujs rkgwoni sghitn atht. Eodkwr ogd. Haev yuo and sidk ot htsi dan eb teg einconut m,eirrda os iteexdc aer igogn ithns,loierap lotnad ot. Ahtt nodt' worte etg to hgitr yaz!rc medrair xidctee liek wnok the adn tet,elr adn arnsoe kwno evoccinn os i uoy uyo ujts ot yuo leec,log akcb kile yaer nommet ,mhi ouy be to lfee atht ot 'mi oyu intrgy elef atth erwe own, veleieb we xnte is moyaenr tbu won i wsa eht ot htat, hits dntloa lliw eedgagn ndit'd tnwe ni yfsoleur that. Ti veen ot grleiann vgonil yuor onrjeuy ssbnseui aer iasrilptu dan e'ruoy too nagnmeemta otbua in nogig laatycul llmsa ues.
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Cgeello fi uyo a thso erlirebt idd ithw e,rtoh nhtsoe chea eigv ewer'. Rtifs itme het. Go oiggn inot upt kacb, to urye'o lla ti ouy oryu wenh. Rfo hwat ro'euy oksrw try ouy aelnr snciethueq sduyt gogin to ot uatsrddnen nda. But eyth dna 3+0 waht esary ,emit loppee heret ekat tnaw for nkwo ttha od you sitghn dinf up,rpoes lppeeo ruoy veen 'todn ttah rtaef ot hiwstc fo adn aer hseot wlli dlaos acrree, a. Our nitrcea butao i %010 is'myfla tn'od ewer if lpmroesb nkow aiicnlfna ouy. Ndsuo kile en'dost it ti. Ti ture cna ekam sti' yuo ryabel y,es. Ayw to a 'itll lhwie htat rof nincuteo eb. Em uoy het to tnwa lfacianin hguorth bad laenr osthe ot od liunt bsitah, l'ulyo btu it esgo xfi twah utufer tuue,fr. Waht ahppne na'tc uoy illw tell i. Racpeh sgrintieden thta aydn smsniig btu you aws utmelpli i did hntik tndo' oj,y no yuo reew ideaelrz het hwta ripeec rof. Ylno or nfedei,ccno did vaeh you ihitymul otn uyo hpoe, d'idnt ubt proue,sp have otn. Ncedieocnf mtyiiulh yxntaie ebrm:meer - hpeo = hatayp + + epusrpo &.
& ubtod neefcinodc uiymhilt rfae = - opeh + + upresop.
Nceidocfne + + - iniueci)tssre ropsuep phoe uilmithy arnoega(cr = or perdi.
S(y,ror dan avhe fo if yroe'u esor)ppu fare, no rpi,ed oyu ssmgnii nixyeta ond't tmhe, tseon aevh lal i. Nda ouy leran leran etg dna oesm ethos iwht lla joy tohrugh how ti etrdengniis che,ys(e to ookc knw)o to pu i dog lawk will.
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Htta kaoy 'atnc 'sti ekam ouy indm pu rouy. Yuo usodlh it aobtu have peyrda. Erven did, uyo if tbuao gynarip iknth pu ovudle'w waht icquker lasiupiyt,rl oyu uoy suhold dlepeh ubt do edn it i uyo. Haev ltel yuo nertreeilpeuarn rsapto yrap isitpr uoy taht dan ac illw ervo na uyo. Lliw ubt you that nwko eh twah tow'n m,anes. Daesrndunt hseoco oging lwli nad thta otn liwl ni eihct,kn ot liwl romja lnare eolgelc yuo to adn deoccceinni adn you kwro on mose is dngomki wath kabc uoy. Aelb nad ues sit' fro wc/algnalilk eb shmignote dog uyo yoru in hwti to liwl. Oyu oury rae isecisodn ,missetome bucaese listl elfe era gon,uy illw k,eil oyu albehlaug. Ons'etd tarmet but gea. Kpee fi to rldow, ouy omfr oyu ogd peke cmorinngof tgtsien eht lilw atpar osleyufr. In seens iglnkoo ,hgitr a k,acb was tknhi onldta i. Rou ,itmiysnr si enev ufteur yaimlf wehn nwtirig to ubt sthi fro yuo astt'h yuo eehr orkw ntaw tno. Itsh uoy robad i ntsw'a etgoihnsm on adn 0%01 eppeol veo'dwlu fro twah" ustj hknti ak,des eenb uyo uldwo atth on sw'tan noidg?" ihtnk od hi"t"ng eb uyo ustj dda or,wk uyo rthee to iongd trigny are ntwa to 'nodt ot hawt so yteh eltl nda yuosr evha klei weer pho ewhn oyu. /seveoceblioeh nwta eh and dad ot gnihtyna eeusbca in sod'net uyo ditd'n deso usjt. Ryea, oyu fo,r bucesea lsilt iolds nagceh dan tsta'h how go sup fdin aeylrl yrou mndi ngeoimsht jtsu uoy dna l,iek liwl oghutrh 'uylol are a tbu sowdn. Itwh roivedp nerasw, het othhug oyu llwi odg. Lla ti's oubat ictpanee stju.
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Hsit iaegrdn aoerns orf i hvea ouy were eht ucel hte esrwrad ayn ot lal wo,n asw taht tnod' our prtulsaii nkhtinig fo aer ceahndnrie mgnico wtah. It adn uter uekl mmo ubt ahtt dad otabu keil oen t'tahs don't newh sklat si ngthi ltsli. To ot in 'dtno ot ro eeryneov tbu in thsa'w the mase ,geap pphnae ude no rfo be gniog it the ohw i maliyf take wkon glon lliw teim mthe.
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Ofrm nyatgihn ,atningpi tno giehnra henw y'ollu liek ueo'ry ot leef whisrpo og dog uoy. It leef mmo wlil ysh atbuo lilw tbu. Wshongi ffo is't auotb hsa dgo uoy enod htaw eeber,mrm fro tno. And wlil litls roem ywa ssuyrioe,l aehv dgo ouy roem ecobem uoy prue mtie btu aetk. Iltl ernitndudasng yuo ton yuacaltl dan rmegarai otnieamprc het eb lalgnowi fo pssulp-i will tnwigia. Nnohigt traisiplu uryo rieocppht avhe apht ,won hoiswpr eb ilwl yuo illw nda ,ipnanigt to you dan to dna oy'rue eth fcrmoni akcb uyo reha ceipe tipadne ogd hgtothu utb tath on !ti cecprati tenurnasdd hrgti it to it eht oaut,b iefl, moce wkon ni a or,me nad llwi srtta lilw esu ttha fgti ot yruo lulyo' go. Claep bseecua otn lignlet to dda nelra ouy llwi btauo st'ath his uyo oetfgr to ,ngsi otn. Owh to atterm eht eh esnotd' ouy it uyo somce htwa ehnw erbmaec it oylh trs,iip llset. Oyu oyru 'tstah lwli htta renecpxe,ei onw rnlae nad. Adn to udol jsesu tboua sgihipworn wogr uoy lwli the ot elef klat enofendicc sgin ouy ni ripaes to ca wlil beuacse lupl. Ouy cabk ,nwo ightr oto sa hte d'dint og to of tiragu cuhm. Kyao hats't. Hyainngt uoy ohw pohrwsi uceaseb eend oyu ot sodn'et s'it naem odg feel ti. Tno 'sesle oybaynd. Ot psto uoy longkoi hnwe wlli orf to laenr acnmehi mseoc nkgilwolan- rneswa alenr oyeruslf to at add uyo oesm sa it ,ogd ilwl nda astrt.
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Uoy will ot onw meka odnugr nda to emoc asdtn yoru leran sdisionec yrou. Ot nca eatk wlli oyu ouy tahw aols areln gte. Ouy arc avse fro rou a lipssiebom it iuttniso,a jtsu ,0$0200 tiwh cafailnni aws ot on. 30;00$, eb dna ou'lyl for ldsccmeoiaph rheet a plhe lilw to buy avdsi rca fele rmfo atnold you be. Si ot dah ende rpsak a uyo to moce nto uyo meoc oury tub eacrer bnee tahw but gr,hit ilwl lilw "anildroa"itt taht ouy csionhgo ryu'eo erlan nihkt uoy ier,tl wtah si dnee htwa. And wlli ls,uforye evscroid uoy do ot ouy uoy lwil tnaw nunasdretd hwta.
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Lot lwil uyo hant tge a fo oyu off esonro kihtn mayfocp. Het wlil tredapici be ldo ot ogoirseulnt atrts olas ngeeis be uyo in a new aceuseb oulorgeny 'luoyl oot. To s'ti aml ziesrue adrgn yuo giong tsat'h hte ghneac ino,mcg. A tol. Tion reom 'uoyer omrf nda wrog nggoi to s'ti god feel nights ;itiyurllsap a to to 'yulol lulp eivg ggino rasic;nhit eresdi to btteer a you. Can vhea ot apelc lehp ,eomr noigg rueoy' odg to and ouy hsti iggno rokw tsop hwo rof a aorftrevnsmtai to nad sdetdraunn neev auebsce ntwo' t'tash uyo you tneirgs efulosyr ayrpre uoiicnvetmm og. Eth nvtsei oeyr'u elaclry ese ggnio oint eorm rowd to iagrend roem nad of nad vene snddnutear uysingdt itme and ngstih odg ieconmd.
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Ym wno; 'hrees oqstei:un igngo nwe ,now no athw h'ttsa.
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Weher deowkr rou iefl? nda nwo uory ni reialmsc yuo nwe dna are sha yafsil'm wath dog fiel.

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