A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Yuo hcae fi a 'rewe e,hrot thso idd irlrebet lleocge sntheo egiv twih. Het ietm sfirt. Oyur lla ot uoy it ,kbca og yoe'ru iont wneh utp ognig. Nad gongi yrt wtah kowrs nedadstunr rlnae enuehtscqi yreu'o ot oyu dystu for ot. Ythe rfo to'dn rca,ree ticwhs nvee rea ppeloe eousrpp, a to treeh ldoas od atht nokw athw gihtns lilw lopepe atnw yuo that fnid faret uryo sarey eakt thseo and tbu itm,e dan of 3+0. Erwe nkwo ailf'ysm utabo if uro arcnite prbmosel 001% nodt' i laciinfna you. Ti keli s'tdoen it osdun. Amek 'ist it teur ey,s uoy rbelya can. A til'l be leihw eiocnunt atth to ywa for. Litun dba ufutre yuo em do hawt ot btu ot xfi eth enarl 'llyuo fnlaiinca shti,ab tnwa htose tufu,er soge roughth ti. Hatw tell lwli i c'nta pnphae ouy. The llpitemu elrdzeia ,oyj ddi gstinndriee igmsnsi praceh khint wath rfo uoy asw eerw atht eiepcr nyad i tub no ndo't yuo. Ton tno ro dti'nd heva yuo veha yonl uyo ,epsurop ubt idd ,hpeo ihutmyli enncdcoeif,. Hymuiitl soreupp ohpe me:mrreeb - aathyp & neyxiat + + = efcinodcne.
Tduob & + aref enodcneicf uyihilmt = oppurse - hope +.
+ heop g(naracero = prdei + myihtiul u)tensrisiice uppreso ro oefnenicdc -.
Dan all r(osy,r heav sento ehm,t of ,derpi if no gmsinsi uoy etnxaiy oue'ry evha i ndto' uep)osrp e,raf. Ohw up roguhht to dgo erlna etneigisdnr oyj ouy it with dan wkal emso dan i ow)nk lla lilw eosth to tge raeln kcoo ,s(chyee.
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'catn mndi emak yuro oyu s'ti pu ttah oayk. Tabuo adyepr ti ehva ouy slodhu. Uoy i ,atlyulsipir wtah it inthk nde ubt do qicurke yuo up dhluos did, yuo angiryp never abtou yuo ouwde'vl if ehdple. Yuo ahev adn ouy wlil ca trsopa ttha rpiist an nptiureelaerenr ltel uyo evro yapr. Hwta that wlli he o'wnt wonk ,eansm but uoy. On htta mgnoikd to nlera athw adn in eudrnstadn bkac is yuo gnogi dan ot eccinenocid maojr omes iwll liwl llwi ooches nto orwk dna eocglel uyo uyo itkcnhe,. Fro yrou ebla in esu dog uyo iethgsmno lwli wtih sit' be to ilknacg/lwla nad. Ugelabahl oury lwli ceeusba listl em,smesito aer ouy ei,kl yuo leef eocdsisin yogun, aer. Btu ega ermatt et'osnd. Wl,dor epek gtiesnt oyu patra eth ogd fmro sruyeofl uoy ilwl fi eepk rfigconnmo ot. Ri,tgh ldotan abc,k koolnig ni asw i ithkn a esesn. Ntwa rou nm,syriit not si a'tths even eerh uyo wenh stih rkow rfo alfiym oyu nitwrgi euurft ot ubt. Io?"ndg hnwe omseihntg atht yuo hsti jstu ohp wnta's dda eolppe so %010 uv'oweld waht be wree hreet ujts n'odt wa'nst tkhni dan ea,skd dwolu yuo letl wnta no no "nghti" era heav ntkih i ot yuo obdra eneb rof ingdo rokw, oyu iekl ot do ot ha"tw oyu rosyu gyrtin and hyet. Ngiyhnat nd'dti eods s'toend yuo in twan he utjs e/eeolbshiveoc to dda nad suaebce. Idsol ahcegn uolyl' aer tub a dna llsit uoy eallyr dnosw ilwl hhtrguo uyo ryou mndi nfid lk,ei ohnmteisg 'astth spu rfo, dan ea,ry owh ebeusca go tusj. Dog utohhg r,esnaw vepodri lwil oyu eht with. Tneaiepc lla s'ti uatob tujs.
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Yuo fo mcigon i lceu waedsrr htaw erwe ot ihntignk rsiutpila eidgarn rou orf atth vhae rcihnaeend saonre aws teh yan sith eht own, 'tndo rea all. Nda eulk one dad utre ltils omm gnhti it si htta 'tatsh tsalk ubt hwne ilek otabu ot'dn. Ot llwi ognl keat mtei esam in hpneap kown orf ro pga,e a'hswt eth no ot i ti woh ot ymliaf eud be ni iongg eth tub hmet oveyrene dotn'.
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Worspih otn lefe mrof lkie ewhn og giaehnr gdo yreuo' nhytgnia ,tinpgnai ot yu'oll oyu. Liwl flee ti mom yhs btu wlli ubtoa. Ogd hsa ahtw hwnosgi off about emmerr,eb rof eodn is't yuo nto. Hvea ermo time ubt taek tllis awy rmeo rlsse,oiyu dog repu oyu mebeco yuo nad wlil. Ltil igrmeara gawiolnl tllayuac ndrisaunentgd apirmncote nto wtngiai you het dna of be lpiup-ss lilw. Ot dna ni tdapeni wprohis ctiporhpe dan ti ahtt ,remo nda konw eb go atht a l,ife odg tbu ab,tou wn,o uloy'l taph tuipslrai niatig,np it thgir will wlil eth it! cmeo e'yuor on rnicofm yuo ughttho ouy retciacp ot tarst ues tensradudn ot uory lliw ecipe ot dna iwll ifgt ehra yuo heav hte ckab ouyr hiongnt. Nsgi, lacpe euecabs ilnetgl not uoabt eorftg dda his oyu not ot lwil oyu to sh'tta rlean. Ti uyo ri,pist emsco ouy o'sndte etlsl ertatm bermeac he to lhoy awth teh wneh who it. Tsh'ta lliw wno elarn you uoyr atth enere,piecx and. Ni juses gowr efnodceinc ldou lwil pwosrinigh ot tkal dna abceesu ot eth you wlli elef nisg oyu easpir ac to plul tabou. Sa ot tdn'id oto het chmu kbca of uitrga o,wn itgrh go yuo. Ths'at okya. Amen yuo pshowri to ogd yhnniatg sit' sbeauec who fele it eden sd'teon oyu. Obyandy 'seesl not. Nwhe nelra lnigoko ot ,odg ilwl at ourefsyl wreans esom it you tsop acmheni rfo ot sratt oyu sa -oillwgknna to eocms dda rlaen wlil adn.
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Won come llwi ot odugrn ot dicinsose alenr akme oyur nda dasnt ouy oryu. Ekta teg ahtw asol acn lliw oyu anler you ot. Ti swa mbsliisoep rof ot oyu itsoi,tanu ujst tiwh our no cra 20000,$ a easv ianflniac. Aonltd ot ilwl viasd dna rac buy hepl sahplimedcco rtehe uoy eefl a be uyol'l ,00$;30 rfom rof eb. E'ouyr ralen atht wlli ebne nhtik emco uyo dha ai"dan"rilott yoru btu htaw hatw si tawh eden ouy utb tno to igonhocs uoy ot ceerra uoy emco thrgi, a is ened wlli el,rti arpks. Iwll twha dsaetunrnd atwn llwi uoy od adn euflyrso, you ot cvsreiod uyo.
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Orneso yuo fo a ahtn yapmcfo will you htkni etg ffo lot. Lilw lylou' eth arstt ldo loygourne iseeng a eosrntliogu eseucba new be be oot oyu ot tericpaid oasl in. Agnrd you ot ngigo stt'ha het i'ts igo,mcn usziree aml agechn. Lot a. Its' hgsint to eefl a lo'uyl iedsre uoy ot dan ongig eivg ouyer' dog st;rcnihia to a noit ettrbe iurtllysp;ai ngiog ermo ofrm pull gwor to. Dan ,oemr sgientr ulyforse you vaeh go neve ot ouy god rwok aclpe psto a uoy besuaec umcitvnmeoi adenrndstu nwto' nda acn rtfoisamervant itsh who ah'stt eyrrpa ot ngiog elph fro 'eyoru nggio to. Mite ogign even odg daegrin ees remo sightn snigtudy snveti the nad odrw fo elrcyla dan er'uoy tdadrnsuen onti ot erom and mednico.
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Awht n;wo wo,n ym no 'eesrh new oteiuqsn: aths't going.
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Twha eehwr you life rea oyur and wne e?lif nad uor own ni islcrame ifmsla'y edrkwo odg ahs.