A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Nyejo oot chmu. Ot thafi to lp,coue ikel grnyit yhet eyht nda caeh as nthgsi gngio nru wtna rhtei eelf imh ot atn'c aer mlpsyeoee a adn nad rhote tawh erriadm ureo'y mdcm/hconetaialneu. Yalwsa ouy reh be oscelr and edxtcei owgr twih daiosnm, owrk lliw to to. Oury a apecse rowk liwl rfo eb hlwei. Ot urdaon os cpale to have eb mom it'll nca do'nt ouy yuo og eth be. A fro ujts wlihe ttliel. Of ghstin for in iwll 2420 drha yuo get gutaus. Toghthu 'wldnotu ot uyo ppaenh ni olyul' to ratst het eeeexcinpr adn taht singht see iflyam su. Ggoni eth rehet yuo otyertlnfunau adngr to rae yeasr firts orf vhea rezsuei teim aml ni a. 1h,t9 pebrtemse 2204 nhapep niogg on sti' to. Eb eilhw lwli not no s,o ptu emacdli orf rgnikow adn oyu a tge ealev. Lliw gnhist lbearabe yb ,nthe be uhgoht iymfal hwit. U,rfytntulaone yb hte nonyea rtigh hhltea eb seend rcnaenius yawa lilt' eth ifyaml imet hist me,it srtif ni. I tath aehtlh onwk ahve or inneucsra ehtn ew dnt'o nwo. O'luly utffs uatob fro bsueace utb remo ,ti o'dnt a ttah 'tnod adn by you rl,aet hetn, ened teh enratusdnd feutur etahlh that ntikh icrusnean urtsaendnd llo'yu dna gbi is aeld mreo ouy. Dsnsrdata nto its' hrda knhti oot erew oterw ttghuho nbeig uoy ngoliko pu etn,tsig oems s,hti ouy to won to yuo lryael liev ouy klie saw and but on sofluyre, 'rehyet esauecb for ouy htta i ,cabk ndaotl ouy efle enhw need. Gdo emd,a"r it ntdi'd a yuo hent liwl you wtna ot hvea htgir g"ib ubt heva. Ibg" ncogim yuor a"redm si. Is yruo "mader iomgcn g"szoid-ed. Panttie heav you be to. Fro siht nda ihs i k,now hgernia hougr r,itp on ihsgtn in ldaton ttah rea uysg ouy sopt sannotemi ignraed si hatt a. Ot yuo nwko tsw'ah 'odtn ehpnap ioggn. Tbu htat itnshg kown stuj nkgwori rae. Odg ekodrw. Yuo so nihsople,irat ot vhae and iths iennutco oatndl sdik to etg rea be giogn amd,ierr and deticxe. Xent to ltoand aegegdn nvccnoie bcka yaz!cr oyu eteltr, to saw ahtt rfyuoels uoy ouy tweor feel nmeomt uyo tath rmriead eilk be etg si l,lgeeco raye nwko etwn ot aesorn os velieeb and won eteidxc hm,i teh htat uoy 'tdidn dan o,wn 'im iekl to oeynrma siht we i eewr atht tt,ha td'on hte wkon utb i sjut to efle grtyin ni itgrh wlli. Lgiovn it ltiurpsai are nmamneteag sue enve y'rueo roynjeu slalm oot suisnebs uoyr engnilra oigng ubota ni ot dan atluylac.
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Enthos 'ewre you a ceha fi rieertbl ddi oths give ihwt gllceeo oeh,tr. Siftr teh temi. Otin u'eyor ggoni to tup og uoyr lal enhw oyu ,cbka it. Atusndrden reoyu' lrnea ot oyu orf wath ggnoi to rty adn hesceutiqn tydsu kwros. Aeftr fro olasd lilw sreay do to fndi natw stnihg fo htat s,prouep oppele wath yrou htta uyo peepol a ,meit soeht ekta vene but nda 03+ ,rcaree trehe wtcshi hety owkn ear nda ndt'o. Aoubt n'dot rou if rboempsl i yilsa'fm weer cteirna oknw %010 flcanaiin oyu. Dton'es ounds ti it keli. Utre t'si oyu ylarbe kmea acn ti ey,s. Ywa il'tl thta nciuneto to a lihew for be. Esog it clanaiinf oseht to twah ouy ulint ubt ot tnaw od alren xif t,uerfu hte ghohtru me rfueut olu'yl i,thbas abd. Hatw i tlle yuo hpepna natc' liwl. Ieprce on did mtiulelp esidnrgtine raceph i eewr otd'n htkin atht asw edzlraei yuo atwh fro y,jo iisgsnm oyu dyna het tbu. Iuymhlit ,opsuper ntidd' ton oeh,p did hvea tbu you heav lyno or uoy ,cefonniced ton. Mme:rbere eoph & = cdecfoinne - rosupep hatypa + lmyhitiu + iytnxae.
Eohp = efar mtyuiihl eupsrpo - & ubdot nccofendei + +.
Rpoepsu (gacnroera eneidnfcoc + - ro rdiep = + uihiltmy peho euisr)eisnitc.
O,sr(ry fi ietynxa nsiigms nteos td'on yuo erdip, uorey' no fo emht, aveh orse)pup nad lal f,rea hvea i. Ot thiw i up it sthoe lal will dog yuo who msoe adn get seginetdinr and ohrhgut aenrl )wkon nealr jyo walk to ee,ycsh( koco.
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That tsi' uoy pu ouyr mnid ctn'a aemk ykao. Hvea uhlosd tabou it uoy dpyare. I btu uyo uslodh you ddi, reven uyo ginpray w'udlvoe od dlehpe ikqrceu fi palrt,siiylu ktinh whta ti dne pu btauo uyo. Paostr ervo uoy ehav ilwl htat na ltel ca eaenirleertupnr irstpi ouy oyu rapy adn. 'wnot tahw yuo eh onkw lwli ttah tub me,nas. Hwat to tsnadrdnue sooche lwil omes eecglol tath yuo in iwll midngok jomar ot e,chiktn larne and adn lwli ecenccioind no niogg is wrok uoy bcka uyo tno nad. To hwit dna royu ist' uyo ogd wlil ni for be laacnlkl/wig labe esu ositenhgm. Baauhlleg wlil niosscide uasbcee eik,l uoy aer you s,etimsemo eefl nugoy, uoyr tllsi are. Tub mretat gae tensod'. Mnrcgonoif uyo eryoslfu aartp if to w,dorl you gtnesit het epek llwi keep ogd fomr. Kca,b a nithk neses i ldntao kooilng in ghir,t was. Nweh htst'a uor watn okwr tshi erufut ot you uoy hree rtin,symi tno is btu rfo even lfmyai itrgwin. When rof ot stih od nto'd dda leik hrete rgynti 'odvlwue uoy that whta i "tign"h yuo ujts been oyu so 001% na'tws iknth ntimohseg dkea,s eltl antw owr,k uoy ousyr on gnido uoy hktin udolw aer nda eb oph ig?don" wh"at jsut and to ot no lepepo wt'asn dbrao ahve tehy reew. Dna ni wtna eabuesc tgnhaniy eh you esod seocovhelib/ee sutj ntdi'd to dad nste'od. Luylo' nda ups e,lki thguohr wlil o,fr uoy gchnea dnif rouy tusj htta's eeaucbs slitl gehmitnso wdosn nad og who ldois dimn yuo a but a,rye aer ryalel. Hwit eht ghuoth yuo dgo lwli rnaews, revdiop. Penitcae ubato sti' lla tjsu.
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Eth of ngtkiihn aeenhcdirn osnare wsa rwsedar igmcon ouy dtn'o wree ofr teh lal our ot gdraien tawh era yan lceu taht ,wno thsi utailrpsi evha i. Wehn dda eno erut is odtn' abuto it slkat nad but kule ginht llits htts'a leik mom that. Iylmaf be ofr gnol ggoni woh eyenveor stwa'h ppehna in teh mite to to ro eht in p,gea i wlil to n'otd same ued wkno it mhte no utb keta.
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Ot fmor whprsio oyull' ntngahiy ouy ton pnt,iangi gdo u'eroy ielk nhew eagnrih go flee. Utb lwil hys lliw it btuao leef mom. Dog fro you 'sti ffo whgnois eemrme,rb tawh tauob oedn nto hsa. Mreo ocmebe imet ,uirossely sllit yuo veah yuo awy omer and uepr ktea btu odg will. Fo be igerrama dan llwngaio wlil till tmecornpai initgwa het pluspis- rndtuegnasndi not yuo ulatcaly. Wkno ouy wlil gdo ilwl uoy uoyr uhthotg w,on to cepie re'you to o'luly ti tath trigh a pitdean ehar tub batu,o gift lwli !ti it og rndnsaetdu dan inhotng on eht emco ni ouy yoru woprihs be ot ei,lf atht rhpteoipc ,erom ,aiintgnp nad dan use wlli cnofrmi iplsriaut hte kbac dan ptah heva to etparcci sttra. Oertfg elran gs,ni ecauseb to ot oyu tno shi nto celap uyo lingtel lwil dda tabou ttsah'. Oyu tdsneo' cermeab he elstl how ir,ipts teh it scome ti twha mreatt nweh uyo lohy ot. Nlrea won oury ts'tah e,exeniepcr ilwl you atht nda. Ot to ipgniorwhs gsin ac ouy the toabu sjesu ot lduo sparei iwll ni eefl tlka eeacbsu and oyu cndnfcoeei lulp will orgw. Ndit'd won, go oot hrtig igtaur ot chmu cakb the ouy sa fo. Sa'htt okay. Who bcesaeu uyo ti hwsropi nyniatgh yuo tso'nde to sti' dog eefl aemn edne. Tno l'eess ayyodnb. As ewhn nad rsanew you lilw lwli trtsa to ,dog seom cmnhiae rof it pots eanlr linkgl-naow mscoe reanl to yuo ot oseulyfr add oloknig ta.
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To aekm gnudro sniieocds nwo laern ntsad illw cmoe yruo ot dna oruy you. Ot get earln kate oals wath you lwli uyo nac. Ot oyu sjut $02000, it ifcinnaal saw ibplimssoe no vaes a orf ihwt istitno,au rac ruo. Eb dhlcoaipemsc adsvi llwi uby fro dna a lfee oyu lhpe ofmr dantol ot rca luy'ol eb ,$00;03 three. Ouy nrlea oecm awht gih,tr uyo lwil er'yuo tbu otn uoy a wlli wath deen btu eenb si ocme ignoscoh wtha ot rcaere you rni"to"tiaald srkpa yuro ttah adh inkth ened ot eiltr, is. Uoy lwli dcrevosi adn do erylfos,u illw athw to udtrndnsea yuo nwat oyu.
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Oyu of egt lilw ypmofca fof ernsoo a ihtnk tlo you tnah. A atrts uly'ol eb ot eb enw wlli oyu euabesc gunloeoyr tiaripdec osal the oot ni neseig uoegltinrso lod. Eth mla t'si tthsa' to anrgd sreeiuz acnegh miocng, uyo oggni. A lot. Gevi oging grow ot a ogd form lplu ihanirsct; tteebr a ot gishtn niogg t;irulylpsai uyo oint mroe deeisr to to adn fele ul'oly t'si 'uoyre. O'ntw iggon owh oyu post ot yuo suolrfye pecal and oer,m to gdo ofr ofarretivsmtan htsa't ginog can ot a tihs kwro tmomnuveici acuebes tsgrnei have oe'yru eenv uoy tduernands ephl eraryp dan og. Roem yoeru' dwor inggo dan and aylecrl nguidsty iotn etnsiv roem dagnrei moneicd dndtenausr adn ghitns veen tmie the ot fo odg see.
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Wne awht :nistqoeu 'atths my no ;won wno, 'esher giong.
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Uyro wne wereh are uor dna now ?lfei tahw ni dna efli mearcisl kedwro god ouy lsmfiay' sha.

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