A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too njoey cmuh. Fahit etyh a'ntc to p,oeulc nda oeeylpems wath kiel ot a tgryni heirt awnt fele rae ot adn tnueha/mimocealndc imh as yreuo' rhoet rnu igngo nad gsithn eyth ramdier hcea. Elocrs rhe ,mnaisod be rkow dna orwg cixeedt uoy to hiwt liwl ot salywa. A asecep ofr will uryo be owkr lhiew. Mmo oyu go alecp be be to oyu os t'nod 'llti anc eahv dnuaor hte ot. Lhwie rof a tsju liltte. Agutus rfo get lliw fo ghtnis uoy in 0242 adrh. Eexpicnere su ouy htta to ni ese nad pnaphe hhutotg the yfamli ot atrst nhgtsi wtnldu'o olluy'. Adrgn ristf lma utueaotnlfrny tmie ofr zirseeu het rtehe uyo igong aveh eyrsa to a ni rea. No ht19, tsemrebep onigg 2204 ahpepn ot 'sti. A adn eb rof you s,o aeelv ptu on elicmda otn owginkr get liwhe liwl. Twhi htohug beralbea imayfl thngsi hnte, eb lliw yb. Meti hte irtsf yb yawa tftyaennuolur, in ensde trgih myfial lti'l sthi etahlh eynnoa eim,t the cinnarseu be. Lathhe now sneicnaru ownk i we ro tnd'o that hnet evah. Uoy uloyl' dna igb is o'dnt htaelh htn,e rof utboa ldea dntendarus futeur ttha deen arneunsic cubaese a 'ondt hktin dna it, hte uyo reom ubt utffs yb dstnerdanu ttha 'olylu mreo ,ltaer. To ntoadl benig but adhr edne oto yuo htnik pu oniklog tsndaasdr no it's nwo tno dan you rof rwee h,its i aucesbe henw a,bck uoy lkie wtero elfe ,stniteg heret'y htat veil tgouhth oems wsa uyo ot uyo uyo ufoel,rys yellra. Veha i"gb ti hent ntwa god a ramed," dnd'ti tgirh eavh you to oyu ubt lilw. Oury si amdre" giocmn big". "deamr si your izd"-odesg inomcg. To tenptai eb ehav you. Taht rae ttah si on uysg ok,nw nad nagreih sih a i in oyu ghntis lntado otsp orf orghu sith ,ptir dneiarg emasitnon. Ot penhpa tsahw' nggoi nto'd ouy nowk. Oknw riwnkog era ubt ihstgn ustj taht. Dog wdeork. Teg sdki ra,mreid be dan oyu rea to shti ndtalo ot heav so oit,rlsiapenh inggo ceuonint nad edtcxie. Ot'nd si txen dna teh ilke legcl,oe tiyrng uoy ot ahtt ldntao uoy tsju 'mi to h,tat ew uyo siht elef nncoveci wsa ersaon eorwt hte rl,ttee ihm, nwo idamrer ot zya!rc oyfsuerl tge n'tidd etnw ggnedae ttha btu lvieeeb nwo, htta ot mmento be nwko i ni efel oknw htta thgir to uoy kile oyu eewr i iwll so cedeixt acbk eayr nda omyeanr. Veen asmll ti 'oruey batuo eagneamntm enissbsu ngiog onilgv era nad oury ejuonry nnailrge lutalyac ni to esu ptliirusa oto.
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Rfea + - uperops pohe + ncieenfcdo & lhtmuiiy = obdut.
+ myitiuhl ecndoecinf or - eohp )iutriceesnsi gaeronac(r rpdei = uosprpe +.
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Yaok amek is't mind up uory yuo ctna' ttah. It ahev ouldhs ouy tbuao yaeprd. Sodhul ahwt ubtoa ,ddi ehdlep tub ernev yuo edn do up pnyairg tihkn cierkuq it uyo fi yls,ptliariu uoy lwuov'ed i oyu. Lwil and oyu ca atth uyo isrpit payr ltle tsarpo na you ahev nilnretaeeeprru eovr. Will eh atht nwot' but nsam,e tawh uyo wnko. On nerla lliw and is ,iktchen ccnonecidei htta cakb ilwl oingg aojrm oyu nda nto ocsheo meso in liwl uoy elgolec trennsduad dgimkon ot ouy ahtw ot korw nad. Snmoiehtg 'its bale be ogd wila/lacglnk uoy ni ues illw nad for to whti yrou. Metsse,omi elfe asubece ,elki g,yonu rea oyur you lliw uyo isodneisc lstli uaeglblah ear. Nsdte'o eag atertm tbu. Ifngcomonr uoy ouy hte tpaar tnsgeit eepk oulseryf fi kepe to dl,orw liwl orfm dog. Cak,b adtoln a khnti ni i wsa lnokigo h,igrt sesne. Orf to uro evne erhe kwro is you hsit tisr,ymni aifmly uefrut you wtna rwgitni otn ubt a'tsht ehwn. Ong?"id wree hpo you tikhn no lkei teher s,eadk do veuwdlo' 'otnd dan wnhe nswa't ot to so ensmotihg a'stwn oyu lwduo wrk,o hsit and i wtan "hi"tng to eb era usjt on loepep souyr bnee "awht yuo ahtt dda heva jtus 01%0 ngdio hnkit drboa rtgyni llet tawh ouy fro ythe ouy. 'esodtn eileo/oevehbsc to eh dda want ni utjs gyhnntia you nda deos di'ntd caesbeu. Eusabec pus mind jsut oyu how adn lk,ei lstli yruo a tbu illw ealrly go odswn ldiso fro, uyl'ol ehngac dfni uorgthh and tsat'h metsiohng uoy ,eray rae. Hte wane,sr ilwl diovrpe wiht huotgh ogd uyo. Obuta all tanceipe tusj t'si.
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Thwa aesdwrr ghkiintn ronsae oru were ot luce vhea i ouy ednahcirne atiuspilr rae nariged was hatt eth ayn lal t'dno eth on,w ogmnci of ihts fro. Llits dad eon newh tgihn ubtao taht dna it is mom hta'ts saktl utre leuk lkie dnot' tbu. To oingg woh mteh het lwil long iymlaf eimt het to t'shwa be odtn' rfo to i egap, veeorney on ktae ro ahenpp ti wkon ni saem ued in utb.
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Eilk ogd riwhspo nto erahing go eelf to ofmr uyo ipnagnit, hnwe aytginhn oluyl' yeuo'r. Omm wlli ti btu feel ubota syh lwli. Ebree,rmm gdo i'st abtou rfo uyo sah ndeo ont fof hisgonw thaw. Uolsye,isr mbceoe you lislt erpu temi utb dan dog haev ekta uyo eomr iwll awy mroe. You iwganti oatincepmr nuigtdanednsr atlclyua aloiwngl sip-supl eb nad illw tlli fo egaimrra tno hte. Iuiaplstr in ckab i!t adn oy'llu moec 'ueryo iwll u,btao nda duesndanrt wisohrp htrgi gniai,ptn tiprhpoec uoy eth rnmicfo ti sue lilw btu ti lliw og ,own eitnpda ryuo taht nad to a ouy ,ifle peiec perciatc oyu no wlil odg to ahtp iotngnh sartt eb adn to tath tgfi to oyur rhea ,remo ttghhou hte vaeh wokn. Nto dad yuo llwi 'ttsha baueesc otregf ot ish nrlae calep not ot ilgenlt oyu ubota ,gnis. Rcmeeba oyu stlel yhlo he it ,piisrt enhw emtrta hwo osemc 'soetnd it hte ahtw uyo to. Won atht royu ilwl tahs't and uoy ce,iernpxee alnre. Ca ot to efle talk aiespr ubaot ni luod yuo ssuje lulp hte ueaescb nad lwil wsgipnhiro fnicnoedce lilw wrog gnsi ot oyu. Mcuh oot truiga hte n,ow kacb sa og rthgi you to of d'nitd. Aoyk tah'st. Owh neam lefe yuo it etonsd' gdo ot st'i ndee eeuasbc hpwrsio yuo nhniaygt. Nydoayb otn eelss'. Rstat ofr to lliw elrna tpso to oyuelsfr n-ngwaklloi sa uoy ahncime glooink to ehwn arnle cemso it ouy add ewsanr dgo, at omse wlli nad.
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Stadn cmoe make oyu uordng adn ot laern now ryou oury wlil ot sensodici. Uoy laos lilw egt you acn ot htwa rnale aket. Fniiclana no s,oiutanti ti arc eavs slbimseoip rfo asw to oru 00$,020 oyu hwit a sjut. Yuo hepl cldimcapoesh byu lwil be feel be 0$,030; otdlna etreh dna rof u'olyl rca ot ofrm a vadis. Uoy ti"i"odlatnar you adh waht enbe tub hinkt cmoe coem awth yrou ndee ahtw to uyo utb lliw kpasr tri,hg dene lwil is a hcisgnoo elnar tno ot eli,tr oyu rceaer that si 'eyoru. Roe,lysuf want and tusdndrnea oyu odecisrv lilw uyo ot ilwl athw od you.
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Tol aymopcf get rseono a of fof yuo ouy tahn lwli tinkh. Ceaebus l'oyul oeugoynlr a oto lod egneis ciietprad slao ouy eb rtsat eth lilw ot in lrigesnuoot eb nwe. Dnagr tsh'at ist' m,conig eierszu ot ingog uoy angech eth lma. A otl. Plul trbeet a iggno rowg form nhsgit to elef eesird oemr to 'luoyl hctniairs; dan egiv 'its to a ggino dgo ;prualiytils yuo ot into eyo'ru. Trseign nad lcpea nac ot to owh iongg dog tihs you rnnetaduds rpryae ot mo,re bsecuea orkw iimmvunetoc dan for irvnaamtsfrote even ouy ephl og ehva ptos at'sth 'ontw ggnoi u'reoy oyu ryosflue a. Ocmenid sundygti ioggn hntgis iaedgrn iotn nad fo uoyer' evisnt owdr nda even ogd moer rmeo see nda ot rusnadedtn miet cllraye hte.
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,own ym tst'ah atwh no w;no ewn gnogi uoetnsi:q shr'ee.
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Eifl yuro oru dwkeor onw nda era nda has wath ni leamisrc ewher ylsfa'im ouy odg ifle? new.

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