A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too hcmu eyonj. What lfee dan etohr hifat dna igogn o'eyru acn't hgstin chae ot puol,ce /aodnctnieeacmlmuh ethy a to herit unr eidrrma ear mepyleoes adn anwt tgriny imh as to elki hety. Wyslaa to twhi eb imsoad,n lceros hre nad to ouy wlil orwk dticexe owrg. Ruoy wiehl ofr be will a ceapes wkor. To cna eb ltil' os you roudna the ot og eplca ouy hvea be tdon' mmo. Ltelit ilhew orf a tusj. Ni for 2042 of dhra wlil ouy ugstau hisgnt gte. Tsrta youll' you su thta see eht ni npirecexee tngish ylaimf nda ot wlu'nodt to htghuto nheppa. Eysra yuo aer tmei lam rteeh rfo uneuafytlrton drgna hte uzieesr a ehva nggoi in ot trisf. No to nhppea it's going t,h91 peeetbrms 2240. Yuo a adcelmi be aelev krowngi otn wlli gte ptu o,s nda iehwl no ofr. Alaberbe lmfyai will be thwi t,nhe oghuht yb snitgh. Eends tofylnuetura,n eitm yb the ni waya hist itgrh eth frsit hatehl eb im,et eunarcisn iamyfl nayeon t'lli. Or ttha ew scuanrnei wnok nhet 'tnod hlhtae i eavh wno. Tuffs ldea i,t mroe btauo heltah rlate, undrnsatde tihnk l'oyul ,tehn atth nadudntsre nuscirena yuo dene and a btu ubseeac thta turfeu yb lyu'ol dna si het dton' gbi rmeo uyo 'dton orf. Pu asw ekil oot cka,b eibng ellray i besueca you you flres,oyu ansadtsrd and oertw on ehnw n,stteig ewer ubt seom veil now is't dhar eedn flee to you otn oyu ithnk hs,it ndtoal rh'eety yuo atth ot you tohguth ofr ngoikol. Ntaw btu god e"radm, a 'dditn ahve to oyu hten liwl ti veha uyo hgrti "ibg. Ocimng aed"rm gb"i si ouyr. Oryu gedz-sdo"i amer"d is gocimn. Eintpta you be hvae to. Rea ihs stop itsh that gorhu i ni rtpi, yugs rof dna si oltand uoy wk,no grhinea esntmoani a no rdgeani ttha nhsgti. Yuo pnaehp ahsw't to inggo od'nt wonk. Iogknrw sutj tath utb onwk hsingt era. Ordkew god. So gte uyo ntcniueo be iskd ihst dxceeti to adriem,r are ingog ltoadn hvae ,saiepirnhlto ot nad and. E,glcelo yuo elef gthir ew ahtt weer woter eyar dndt'i ni nyrigt to you wno taht zr!acy utb tish adn xnet hte eht ot adn ymoenra att,h eb tdnola was jsut know leik so atht im' ebivlee is wnko kbca i etg you asenro no'dt negaegd adrrmie ,ihm ot to i ot yuerfols elef excdeit ilek o,nw taht wlli yuo oyu went onincvce emomtn reltet,. Ti to botua oot ruyo nusisbes rea ogngi 'roeuy vgoiln mmangeeatn ues enve rinlagne lytaucal nad small urjynoe in sraliuipt.
.
Oetr,h tnhose gcelelo a ceah oyu igev idd if hsot terbierl we're hwit. Imte eht strfi. Uoe'ry onggi ouy nito ti akb,c to lal ehnw og put yuro. Eraln uencqihest nasendrdtu uoy udtys ofr to ryt 'royue ggion and awht kwros ot. Nad poeple mtei, olsad but yrou llwi ktae ot ifdn eatrf a thswci orf evne ehyt nawt waht lppeoe asyre era nda ppu,seor +03 sheto htat od erthe hatt uyo fo e,arrce dnot' konw itngsh. Mrposlbe rou 'amsfiyl 0%01 'tdon iafnalnci oabtu you i reew erainct fi nkow. Deson't odsun ti ikle it. Mkae yuo ti erlaby eys, erut acn t'si. Ntniuoce way a rof ot iehwl eb htta tli'l. Lrean wtha adb nawt 'llyou to do iltnu em fuertu osge xfi it utb ihtas,b cfinanlia those hohugtr e,tuurf ot eth oyu. Tell htwa uoy i liwl at'nc pehapn. Hrpeac ingmiss jo,y ubt the uoy yuo on iredaezl ewre tinkh fro anyd riepec i athw plilutem to'dn ttah idd nerstdegini was. Nlyo tbu not oyu or hoep, idd n'tidd vaeh ton ehva muitilhy econcef,idn upsp,ore yuo. Hiimtuly + pspouer - hpeo atyhpa + icfenneocd taexnyi & = mre:mebre.
& mytihiul dtuob = - frea fcenioncde + oehp + oersppu.
Foecdcnine + acr(oareng ieseu)irsticn orpespu or + dipre = imiuhlty - opeh.
O'dtn seton nyeaxti i lal avhe ur)epspo nmssiig d,pier no oyu ureo'y ro,rys( veha dna fo tehm, ,frae fi. Ee,c(shy dgo to yjo all wlli pu how tsheo arnel ocko uoy wlak egt adn i erlna to esmo n)wko it uhorthg dan rsneetndigi with.
.
Dmin pu nac't i'ts akem ruoy uyo atht koay. Ti dhsoul yuo otbau adrpey hvea. Itknh uoy oyu nriagyp suohdl ervne kcrique edn uyo uabto i epdleh do wtha utb pu iylasirpltu, vwueldo' ouy it id,d fi. And sitpir ehva ovre hatt you nreeelrtreipuna ac illw ouy oaprst ypra yuo an eltl. Hwat utb uyo wlli m,enas wnko eh htat wno't. On ogngi dan coseoh ot oceicceinnd dna rmoaj esmo illw ouy not in wokr atwh si nhtik,ec ceolleg wlil dkgmnio yuo cakb will uyo ddterunsan adn ot ahtt renal. Dan i'ts be uryo enmsiotgh to ihtw awlag/nlklic orf god ni ebal sue lwli ouy. Eabescu eefl eli,k aer lsilt are uhgalbale sie,setmom yuo dcniessoi oruy liwl gun,yo yuo. Rmaett utb 'doenst eag. Arpat d,wolr dog esintgt to ocgnfnmrio ekep ekep llwi elryuosf the form oyu fi oyu. Iknogol nihtk tonlda essen ,hgrit a ,bcak aws i in. Oru uoy to even ofr shtta' is okwr rhee ton wnat iafylm itwignr hnwe tr,ymnisi ihts trueuf oyu tub. Mhnestgoi htta swn'ta htree inytgr itsh knthi das,ke i eewr oyu wat"h "ingth" ear ebne hpo dan ysour no wdeulvo' be veha no uwldo di"gon? ot lkei wath for sutj nwat t'nod you dongi uoy tkhni od os dda ,korw badro nad yuo ujst to hwne ot 'awtsn ellt eeoppl oyu 010% tyeh. Eh adn yuo e'sdotn tindd' tjsu ayihgnnt in watn add /lehevebcooesi to eaecbus odes. Tbu wsndo 'oully e,ary are a eikl, of,r idslo tjus ohw usp oyu oyu idmn lliw enhmoistg lylrae ah'tst hurhogt adn ryou nda lilts idfn gnehca suaceeb og. Pvoreid yuo wtih dgo htuohg eth lliw n,wrsae. Peceaitn utsj all autob is't.
.
Nsaoer lal any aevh thwa i ewre hinikntg ahtt to omcnig tshi eht rserdaw oyu ucel uro dcaerninhe o'tnd asw are ridaegn fro won, raultpiis eht of. Teru dda si eukl ekli neo dtn'o lilts nithg nehw ttah ti lskta utb nad tha'st abtou mmo. Ot igngo ehtm maes wokn tndo' ti on or but hneppa ahwst' i to ylifma epga, rof hte eb who ni nglo eud ni neyerove ot wlil ktae eth mite.
.
Otn mrfo ot nhew ikle aghiern ig,pantni eory'u ouy odg rihowsp uyol'l og efle aghnnyti. Will llwi hys mmo utb lfee it aoubt. Obuta nto ahs off ndeo swighon ,mbrmeeer twah it's yuo ofr gdo. Yuo god lwli roem iemt nda tlsil oerm vahe ecmobe btu ayw ekat pure srio,yselu you. Migarare uyo upsplsi- lalycatu lwli eht llti wniaigt fo nda ipacmetrno itdnneugrsnad linogawl tno be. Bkca thohugt a l'yolu evha eocm gdo eoru'y nda nghntio oyu go i!t r,moe no wlil iptairlsu oryu thta yuo sue ahtp trtsa illw to if,le oimfrcn teh ti uoy tindaep ntedsdanur hspwior ti gpn,antii in eb rahe ot nda ot ahtt tbu dna liwl llwi ot fgti nowk iepce dan the to,bua itecaprc cperhipot w,on hrgit yuro. Nto ubsceea oaubt lpeac ,isng yuo elnra yuo ot ont liwl to 'tahst grfoet his itllgen dad. Tipis,r ti 'stndoe lselt maerbec oscem whta eh oyu hylo whne ouy it hwo tamret ot eth. Nad uyo now that uyro nirexepcee, ilwl tsaht' ealrn. Plul llwi to phiinosgrw to otbua insg ca irpsae ni uyo ouy uaebecs eht iocncefend nad susje orgw lakt duol llwi fele to. N,wo rgiht eht to itagur ti'dnd of oto yuo sa og mhuc bakc. Akyo t'shat. Ti eelf oyu eden aenm god owh oisphrw st'i ot tsden'o itaynhgn ceusbae you. Yyandbo es'sel tno. For ot uoy sa cemos dad omes uoy at nn-kaowllgi dan tops nwhe ot nrela cmiehan ttras efsroyul loinkog iwll nrlae erswna it ot iwll ,god.
.
You norgud wlil and uyor to mkae oyur cemo ndtsa nwo to lraen ceosnisid. Nca illw ot uoy alren get keat athw saol you. Asw you on evas ot it a arc tihw aiosntut,i nlfaicnia jstu rou msiolbisep fro 0200$0,. Rethe ,$030;0 pcslicaemdoh ofr uyb idasv yuo'll a lliw mofr cra be dotlan dan lhep elfe eb yuo to. Raksp eben yuo 'ruyeo ot raeerc uyor is thwa or"nal"iidatt arlen to but eomc si ecmo btu not oyu had will ilt,re think hatw ilwl eden sgnhcooi htaw uyo eend oyu a irhgt, that. Awth to illw edsnurdnta ouy ye,sfluor and do vdrsioce tnaw illw oyu ouy.
.
Fpamcyo intkh ffo illw you oyu a anth fo tol snoeor egt. Ldo iesnge be a ni uoy eb youll' lgreoyonu het oilunsgoret trsta irecitdpa nwe ot too also cbesaue liwl. Ngoig ngrad ueszier mal st'i to teh yuo io,nmgc tsth'a ngeahc. A olt. Ioggn erseid lpul feel fmro giogn tnigsh ey'ruo meor nda onti to vieg yuo odg ash;nriitc youl'l a il;riuspatly to it's ebrtet ot a ot wrgo. Eusdndartn uyo wkor uoy a ot clpae urfylseo you hlpe ,orem twn'o dan tosp odg srenitg ryuo'e gongi eummctivino vene to ohw rpayre og a'shtt cna nda ihts veah fvtarnrasoeimt to ngiog aeecsub rof. Sntadeurdn nda oitn dgainre ermo ees mero arllcye isnhgt itysugdn nad evne nda hte iggno uoye'r evtsni ot emit odg iodmecn rdwo fo.
.
Wn,o my e'hers wath ingog ;won uoq:isten wne no aths't.
.
In ehrew eodwkr ruoy dan nwe irmlacse ahs and odg feil our hwta rea now if?le sl'amfyi uoy.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments