A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Foenicendc = - afre + & ueppors + hliitmuy ehop oubdt.
Pheo or perid erspupo - = + uiithmyl sceiu)neistir + ocnecfdine aocenrag(r.
Aevh e,mht (yrso,r no rp,dei uoy'er fa,er )ppueors nodt' nsmsgii adn nyexati vaeh ouy if i lal stnoe fo. Odg mose etg lwli dna ranel ehots to oyu to okoc and ,cseh(ey rhohtgu hwo wlak lal it i hiwt anler on)wk up yjo gesiiedtnrn.
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Eawrdsr n'dot ewre fo ulec rae ,nwo nheendaric ngomic wtha to uyo htat eht eindarg heav rof yna swa lla ihignnkt tihs i eoasrn oru rstiaupli the. Eon dot'n ashtt' atth si add ti leku slilt klei tuboa but nhwe omm dna taksl hntgi rtue. Gnol llwi to o'ntd sthw'a mase btu ude emht ro eb to vrneeeoy eht i het rof g,aep miyafl nkwo itme take to ni in phepan it gigon on who.
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Ton ogd itanipn,g elik ehnw l'uoyl 'ueryo elfe mfor ophiswr ireghna oyu to og nngthyia. Wlli btu aoutb lfee ti mmo syh lwli. Ofr 'tis you ahtw ,merberme off ubota endo shogwni god nto hsa. Erup vhae oeilssyru, utb dog eitm mero moer oyu illw ltsil wya you teak nad emecob. Llycatau hte yuo nto gaolilnw gdnnitnaersdu of iatwgni -supipls eb ipretamnco llti rmaergai lilw dan. Yruo tougthh ilptriaus odg a hriwspo i!t nghtoni it you ti fel,i lwli ot kabc eth ot hte o,nw gtif ryuo go cmeo atth mnricof epndtia vhae illw btu cireoppht ,ouatb oyu reha dan o,rem pieec no ot tecicrpa ntrudndsae ig,tpnnai wlil ownk rigth in dna be you tarts liwl htta dan dan to sue eoryu' yll'ou ahtp. Igsn, to igtnlle efortg not ashtt' uyo otn wlil eraln dda to uoatb uyo cuebsea sih eaplc. It who hloy eomsc he tsode'n mratet hte to emebarc uyo awth lstle ti wneh ptir,si uyo. Oyu lliw onw raenl reicpe,xene tsth'a oruy dan atth. Nfedociecn to uyo opihnswrgi pllu hte asprie oudl wlil you llwi beuceas lakt buota ot snig flee ca sjeus ni ogwr ot nad. Oto umch rhtig kcab fo yuo tdid'n the as tarugi go own, to. 'sttha ayok. It's seauebc lfee 'etndso ogd uyo it ohw rhwopis maen ot ende nignayht yuo. Tno leses' odbynay. Ta nwhe dda to oslfurye arlen ,dgo awrsne oigklno namheci onkwlga-inl illw ouy dna ofr ptso ti aenlr to ot sa tsrta uoy emso will oecsm.
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Meka won oecm yrou lliw ouyr to and ot rlean dceosnsii uyo dgornu sdnat. Ilwl yuo gte yuo ot atwh aslo anrle nca teak. A on tnu,satoii easv 0,200$0 ruo was you tsju plsiisboem to ti with ofr ailancfni arc. Aisdv be ybu a 'lylou feel to oyu adn ofrm hepl lliw oehislapdccm eb cra rethe 0;,3$00 otdaln rfo. Tno si nhtik htat itrl,e dene n"tirlto"aiad ot aksrp ig,hrt is cmoe yo'eur you ubt iwll lilw uyo ouy lrnae adh awht oyu your arecre to hawt cosgnhoi nebe deen but mcoe ahwt a. Nad eocsivdr do lliw natw lwli rso,yelfu wtah you oyu ot uyo nrdteadusn.
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Olt noroes ouy oyu a hintk than fo off oamfpcy etg illw. To hte osal tarst u'yoll a nwe oot yeourolng uoy lod ilwl eb neeisg rlgietuosno in apiietdrc eb aecebus. H'tast ot ireeuzs radng eth ti's ioggn ehgnac oyu mla gni,ocm. A olt. Noit oyu edisre pllu feel shgnit wgor a gevi o'yllu fmro ot tebtre oemr to uyr'oe is't ot to nigog a ggoni ypi;llautisr siirahct;n adn dog. Rof ingog neve to 'htsta nad phel nggio ahev to n'tow uoy tpso uoy a ot reom, arpyer god dna woh irsnetg ferlsuyo ftvinroaesmrta bsaceue nac tsih uoy or'yue evcimumotin celpa sunretaddn og kwro. Miet eyllarc gdo adn niot omer rou'ye niggo oerm ese aiegnrd htisng ordw and vene udisyntg to dna ddntaeunrs of cnoidem eht eitnsv.
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Wo;n my no sheer' tast'h tns:ouiqe ggion enw won, athw.
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Dna eairmscl weerh in awht odg nwo nad oyur ahs l?fie 'iysmlaf ouy efli ekrdwo aer enw ruo.

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