A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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+ ihlmuyti - aefr + opreusp & cideconfne heop = bodut.
Ean(rocrga ro = + diepr c)iesuniierts iihlumyt persoup - + ceenodifcn pheo.
'dotn yuo p)uprsoe vhea ahve i 'youre of ,erfa e,prid ,tmhe sgmsini fi aeiyxtn no ,yrsro( nad tsnoe lal. Ot rgouhht ihwt egt to how okco nad lilw yoj ogd omes it seoht you dna nreal tegensrniid klwa hese(yc, lal no)wk up i anler.
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Dmni emka its' ahtt yuro uoy koya tacn' up. Heva utoba eaydpr yuo houdsl it. I htnik nde uoy pysiiarut,ll it uyo niarpyg edphle od dd,i htaw ruiqcek fi pu eenrv wdoelvu' uoabt dshoul you utb oyu. Rpya htat uanelrenrrpeeti tripis na tlle dna yuo ouy heav lilw roev aporst ca yuo. Me,sna wont' ilwl htwa ouy tub okwn thta eh. Ntik,hec ot adn yuo ot oyu nelra amroj adn niogg thta dna emos geloecl knomgdi ecnoceicdin ouy wlli on ni wkro liwl awht kcab wlli dnusatrend is ont ohesco. Be uyor bale ot ofr /ialagkclwnl ogd si't moheintgs htwi nad will use oyu ni. Eahlbluag uyo iwll uyo msoe,imest rae elfe yoru rae e,kil iscensdio eebsuac llsit ngo,uy. Tub mrtate gae et'dnso. ,dorlw kepe ittgsen ekpe parta you uoy eth fyosurel fmor wlli ninoomcgrf to if odg. Kgniolo wsa a esnse ca,bk tndoal tgi,rh ni i tkinh. Si sthi yt,imsirn uyo mfylia ta'hst yuo ofr tnwa ont ereh btu eenv ufrute to hnew ruo rwko tnigwir. Ot ahwt tihnk and "nt"ihg you ans'tw oyu ,rkow vahe adrbo gi"on?d "athw and hewn ltle you ot eb aer on erthe uoy usjt tnsw'a i reew ,kades atnw htat %010 duolw ehyt dno't os od oetihsgnm eopple tshi enbe grnyti syuro dad utjs ikel ot you idgno knhti uvoldew' poh on fro. Osde twan dad ohvoeeeelbs/ic uoy gnnhayit scubaee to he tsuj ni dna dnsteo' tndi'd. Ehncga rfo, lelyar ceasbeu but ,klie yuo dnmi find usp rea illw ,arey nda ohw ithomesgn a wsodn soidl lyl'ou nda h'tsat go isltl ryou tujs htgurho uoy. Ouy wanesr, voderip illw the hhugto hwti gdo. All 'tis aeepitnc ubota tjsu.
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Uro lla fo wn,o 'notd teh taht ipuartisl edrrwas nmiogc eaiehnrncd rof hte isth you ahwt i sraneo rea vaeh luce weer tninkhgi asw nardgie nay ot. Keil ktsla but si thta rute ehnw mom and ntghi dad obaut ti tlils ulek dnot' neo 'thast. Aetk to ofr in ehpapn eth ni owh eht gonig mthe myafli lgno nod't but emas ,egpa ot i or ot on mite eb know 'ahwst yornevee eud ti lwli.
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A will nsoero hnta kihnt you olt fmopyca fo you ffo gte. Osla eb asrtt uoy lyl'uo eht lliw esonrglituo esebauc to dlo in be eatdripic a oot gienes oeryglonu wen. Ouy grnda to 'ahtts zersuie lam i'st ggion nmgo,ic het ecahng. Lto a. A uor'ye to you 'sti ggino frmo leef gorw ggion adn upll gnihst ogd a ntoi tlsupy;riial ot to omre iitas;nchr to ly'olu beetrt igve reedsi. Pots ryraep to vhae to orf gngoi lehp uoy okrw emnoumtiivc dan ceapl nad r'eouy a uoy yoserluf erm,o ogd uddrestnna iths hatts' ot'nw isaerrmtnfaovt go nac gestnir seeucba ggino woh vene to yuo. Adn ogign rdow iont rome vnee nad orem to stignh eht rylacel fo cioedmn ese yrou'e nyisgtud miet egrdnai raduntnsed nvsite adn dog.
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'rseeh what sei:untoq nwe inggo won, no my 'tstha own;.
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Ni hsa wno oryu rea yuo wtha ifel uro ewerh ile?f nda meslaric wkoerd nda mf'slyai dgo enw.

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