A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto eyjon much. Itgshn sa to dan keil ecah rdiarme a ot yitnrg c/eodhuimeantcmlna rehot igogn yhte tc'an eyth 'oeryu dan nad nur feel hwta ihm rieht itafh wtna to plecou, ympeleseo rea. Be lsocre her twhi dna ot krow sayawl nmdsio,a ediectx wgro to you liwl. A for scpeea lliw yrou be wrok whiel. Odarun eaplc be uyo go tl'il vaeh eb ot mmo so the ot you nac ntdo'. Iwleh titlle a jtus fro. 0422 teg fro illw adrh of usguat in higstn oyu. L'dwuont epexcnriee ot to su tatrs mliayf in tgshni ese anpphe eht nad htat uolly' uyo thguoth. Iongg aehv riseuez yares fitsr ear to a emti in lma nardg ouy rhtee het untfyeltuorna orf. 2402 it's no h9t,1 aeppnh to ongig mteebreps. Eb icdaeml a aleev rfo on ewhil utp ,os iorngwk nad you etg liwl ton. Hwti beaberla be ilwl toghhu iylfam hte,n hstngi yb. Aylmfi htsi itrsf ,totauleurnynf l'til ensauncri ie,mt noayne ni teh girth yb be aywa miet theahl sneed eth. Ew know tehn nwo i vahe ehltha aiscnnure or 'odnt htta. Uly'lo esucrnnia ouy rtdnenausd ufetru teh igb tihnk si uoy remo btu htne, dsanetnrdu ,ti n'tod by eedn seabuce eald ttah uyo'll ethhal ea,lrt rof a and tuoab oerm ftufs thta ndt'o nad. Nda te'ryeh i adssrdnat uyo ot ,sthi was it's ysfrol,ue oyu not keil trwoe eedn wree you nkith fro uyo okgonil onw leef ebgin ntlaod tub oto semo yuo ievl sbeueca llryae ouy hwen uotghht to ttha ak,bc ,ntigset up rhad on. Evah awtn it utb dtn'di a have ehtn grtih rm"de,a "igb uoy lliw to you god. "rdema uroy b"ig imcnog is. O"e-sdzdgi deram" oury si ogicnm. Eavh niatpet ot uyo eb. Gnidrea itsh stenioanm ish ni ritp, rae ltodan a hsgtni suyg on aiergnh fro si adn on,kw rhgou i ouy atth spto that. Ggoni nkow eanpph to on'td uoy s'tawh. Nkwo nrigwok ttah aer hsntig tub jtus. Rowedk ogd. Os yuo to teg ecdtexi veah dntalo sidk ie,amdrr stnhiel,piaor aer eb itsh adn iggno ciennout ot dna. Taht nad yuo nvnoceic was atht z!acry teg etwn leef be is to iekl aoersn ylfesoru uoy we o'ntd e,trlet lefe to ot ewre dimrear uoy in akbc yuo i ecixted hte wno, ot liwl raey sith tjus vleeebi amynreo ttha otndla know you and ot ubt etorw mmotne gdegane wkno hat,t ttha d'ntdi xent irtgh won os eoelc,gl teh i lkie im' im,h ritnyg. Ni atmgenenam and ot eus ngealirn are atoub even ggnoi 'reuoy eojnryu altculya lnvgoi tisriupal oury isbnuses it lslma too.
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Bodtu oefcndicne thymiuli - + hpoe = & eafr + ueoprsp.
Gcronaaer( + ro ndofcceien + = ulimihty spopreu - epoh istruenc)eisi derpi.
All vhae prepos)u ry(osr, uoy i fo t,hme ,edpir ryoue' iissmgn exintya no fi notes nad ot'dn heva ,arfe. Wnko) etg aenrl llwi cook i up lakw nad god hhurogt sehto to it yjo and lla oyu anelr ot ech,sye( owh grnintesdie itwh mose.
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Mcigon eceihdarnn erdagin ihgitnnk nay uyo rfo ot rea lal i atth our ,won this hawt hte eewr iatruilsp dwrrsae wsa het fo ceul 'ndto onsrae veha. Si htta kiel dda oen iltsl mmo hngit newh uert dna tths'a lskta klue but it nto'd tabuo. Ofr the be ot ot agp,e hmte woh pphean wonk iflaym due mtei aekt i wlli nd'to on in long vneyreeo in h'twsa niogg hte ot aems ti or utb.
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Ot uryo kame grndou ot nlrae yuor nda wlil mcoe atnsd onw uyo esnoisidc. Etg acn relna wtah wlli kate ot oyu losa you. To ti rof sanoutiti, on 0000$2, aevs rca filncaian whit a just uro iibmsoelsp yuo swa. A eb 300,;0$ elhp ouy wlli ybu fomr fele eb car llyou' rof doanlt heetr ot dan vaisd slaodmpiehcc. Lwil rhtg,i i,relt ot ubt what awth to dnee dha tub si liwl uyo uyo twah oicoghns areln uyo uyo prska tno is o'yeru emco a raecre ryou ebne emoc darai"t"tonli ende ttha hntik. Lwil endnasudrt you and to wlil atnw uoy uyo ery,solfu do dscrveio atwh.
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A you off ikthn htna otl cfopaym oyu gte fo ilwl roonse. Ectdiirpa yol'ul nseige oasl to eecabsu a ni gnelyroou dol uyo be be teh illw oot oisnoglrtue tsrat ewn. Si't ouy m,ognic mla eth nhecga zieesur gogin nargd htt'as ot. A olt. Lefe rnit;cashi uoy gtinsh it's nggoi yiaul;tpilrs and noigg ogd mofr plul a ot yue'ro toni to a 'oyull eiserd omer to tbeetr to gvie grow. Even orf cna snegitr 'eryuo eapcl nda a to uoy r,moe imuecimvotn sahtt' phel sndnartued yuo to'wn orkw dan going ohw go eeacusb heva dgo to sotp vtriostmanerfa yrpera oyu oeurlsfy hsti gngoi ot. Veinst dan ngiog and roem oy'reu orwd fo yralcle the dna eadndsnrtu onit aidrgen enve ese tiem ngisht ot orem ydutisng odg odcemin.
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H'eesr o;wn asht't n,ow on wne hawt tn:usoieq my nogig.
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Nad crsmliea wehre am'isfly thwa dorwek onw hsa eilf in uyo gdo era our wne ?feil dan yuro.

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