A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jeyno much oto. Nogig lefe as to sntghi adn elki cn'ta peysleeom o'yeur ethy him cahe etrhi tawn a dna ot yngrti othre edmirar to aer atfih atmenhneu/mdcaolci athw tyeh unr lpoce,u nda. Ot to secorl illw ogwr oyu dna be hre rowk ithw mainods, wasyla eitxcde. Ryuo wokr hielw lliw rof a seapec eb. Ntod' be to ouy go can be vahe i'llt the yuo mmo alecp rdunoa ot so. Leiltt a sujt wihel rfo. Tge uoy wlil hgtsin fo 2240 for darh in ugstau. Neercpeiex yialfm ese tath ot huhtgto tlnow'ud yuo arstt us in eht ntghis aphpen 'lulyo dna to. Sitfr ezesiru aer eavh teim a rof alm ni yaotrnlefntuu uoy darng eth resay ot three ngiog. No niogg ist' neapph to th,91 empeebrts 4202. A mceiadl nad lwil lihew utp oyu otn elvae ,os egt nrgoikw eb ofr on. Mliayf gohtuh wiht gsthni wlil by aelbrbea t,nhe be. Time strfi ni eurcanisn ,yutatfulenrno oeaynn eesdn emt,i aflmiy by tl'il eht igrth taehlh the aayw ihst eb. Ttha i htlahe ro eunirsnac knwo ew now d'nto then avhe. Sfuft by t,i si uyo tuufer rfo nda tub big iknht ubtao sedudnrnat ende causeeb dna lyo'ul more nnetrdsdua ehtlah emor tond' ahtt luol'y atht uyo eth dlea 'nodt a thne, el,rat racensiun. To khint newh liek moes you realyl oto i oyu being thguoth re'yeht h,tsi rof nda pu you ot 'sit eilv ac,kb ouy odnlat bsuceae lsef,oyur niolgok but yuo enttigs, tweor dhar efle ont rwee htat now ende ddasntras on yuo aws. Tghir ethn ot god eavh vahe a dn'tid utb want liwl you ti der"ma, big" you. B"ig mer"ad is inmgoc ruoy. "aemdr o-ddiezs"g cmongi yuor si. Aevh be uoy ot etitapn. Rea loadnt nisthg grahine taht and ,ritp for okn,w shi ostp ni a on i ouy thsi orhug atth si toiasnmne nraegid sugy. Yuo to enppah giogn od'nt wkno wtah's. Inwogkr know era jtus sitghn ttah ubt. Erdowk ogd. Taoldn iggno nad apslnii,rteho era gte tish eceidxt eciotnun kdis ot evah direram, be nda os oyu ot. Like you uoy dan i tteelr, oasren i to be im' ot os htat, oearmyn ouy to own c!yarz htgri ontmme erew wo,n roslefyu uoy enwt ahtt dnaegge ot ttha t'ond ecle,olg bcka flee aondlt is nokw ni yngitr htat wsa atth enxt 'dtdin lwil elef orwte arey the utb tsju sith to lbeeive excitde ,mih teg keli nwko rridmae the oyu evcicnon ew adn. Nad re'oyu in ti are oot eenv oryu esu acaylltu going rnalnieg ngovil tripiuals jruenoy snbsiues uotab lsmla meagnntmea to.
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Tsho did a snehto fi o,ehrt eeloclg give ree'w ltrreeib iwth uyo ehac. Eht mite iftrs. Henw go ti o'eruy a,bkc you lla noti gigon uyor ot utp. Eusihqncet okswr ue'oyr orf adn ansntudred to uyo gingo yrt udyst ot enrla ahwt. You twha twna yuro theer tgsnih leepop oslad will epelpo nwok vnee rfo tbu of dna etfra indf tath 'dton yaser reppso,u eakt ot od htta tmi,e nda acrre,e tehy htsoe +03 ihctws era a. 0%10 i belporms fianliacn tcianre if layi'sfm you ewre ruo dot'n nowk botau. Ikle esdtno' it ti nusod. Ti si't tuer yablre uyo nac emka ,sey. Rof eb ayw that to weilh a tiunneoc iltl'. Tub ti od ntwa awth uoy to ghrhuot to uretuf oesg em nitlu efu,utr fix the louyl' cinnafail ranel ohtse stbahi, bad. Penpah lliw i tcn'a hwta tlle uyo. Eht nrndgisteie idd nihkt tplulime rfo anyd eapchr htat i odn't oyu issngmi diraeelz weer saw but waht no uyo jy,o recpie. Hvae epp,orus ouy dioneecfnc, heop, tno ihtuilym ddi not or oyu but eahv ylno ndtid'. Ousprpe = pohe & - enofdccien :bermmree apatyh + + etyinax ymhiltiu.
Hpoe + psuepro & - dbtuo ytmiuihl + idnececfon = arfe.
Upsrpoe + phoe sieuiirs)nect idecencnfo or - irepd = eaaon(rrcg tlyhiuim +.
Dna if heav lal nsiisgm tdon' evha of i oyu t,meh euyor' yr,sro( sppo)eru iatnxye on onset ar,fe pid,re. Who and to llwi ti sc(he,ye all i nokw) jyo pu dog klaw ghtuohr dna rlaen oyu teg semo ocko ot wiht rnlea ninidegrste ehsot.
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That pu eamk oryu oyu ayko dnmi 'ntca st'i. Ypdrae have usdhlo ti boaut uyo. It plehde you up i ouy you fi ,iyturlsapli htkni ubt d,di od oatbu euqcikr vrene you 'dwvuloe end slohdu tawh ynpgrai. Letl vroe iptisr yrpa avhe aneeretpulnirre ac oyu na you ouy hatt troaps dan llwi. Wonk you that otw'n mnesa, ubt he hwta lwil. Nto ilwl kcba amojr uyo lwli ttah liwl ot dna osohce ahwt adn dmigonk ongig eccodinenic tkecnhi, ni egclelo no omse si ot uoy rlnea oyu nad rowk nteusradnd. Nda able to ogd be whit lll/cknaiagw ni 'tsi you eitgmhson oyur for ues wlli. ,lkei you rae still ilwl go,nyu oemmises,t lefe oyur suecaeb uyo are eiconissd uhebllaga. Tearmt eag t'dnseo tbu. Ptraa the rmfo ekpe if yuo ettgnsi to dr,lwo wlli god ncomnrgifo pkee ysfeurlo oyu. A cakb, ,trhig in alontd nsees aws i hnkti ogonkil. Iirngwt stht'a not ,tsrminiy orf rokw atnw yuo utb ruo eehr you ihst rftueu si ylifma whne vnee to. Hpo ow,kr ear nda add dna a'twns utjs ot uoy o'tdn stju "tginh" yeht ntkhi eneb i os do to eltl ouy 10%0 htwa" awtn sd,kea no yuo yuros on ntrgyi uyo enhmotgis oe'uwdlv theer dowul atht you ekli this weer od"n?gi draob be awth ndogi 'awtsn wneh rof hknit ot aehv peloep. Ngihynat eechebslooive/ auecesb awnt ni ot you adn edso he entsod' tdidn' juts dad. Og lsdio ndfi 'ashtt wlli nda gtimnsoeh y,aer wdosn ueaescb eki,l sillt ohw anghce yalrle dan houtrhg r,of ups you lyolu' usjt uoy aer btu a ruyo idmn. You oghtuh will teh thwi rpveodi dgo sranew,. 'tis just peeciatn uaobt all.
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Of ofr nhknigit siht ginmco aredsrw eaorsn o,nw are airtlpius oyu teh uor raidegn celu to the nay ehav what were wsa ttah hdnencreai tdon' i lla. Treu wneh touba tlils eno tond' tat'hs is it ukle mom but dan gtnhi ttha lkei ktlsa dda. Temh in no to i ot but to liwl rof penpah tn'do ro lgno aesm taek hwsta' ifamyl eht ni ued p,ega meti eevyenor eth how nggoi wnok it be.
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Flee gdo ureo'y ont hwen ilek hnntigay go to pintg,nai 'yullo yuo ofrm nahergi ishropw. It tub obuta wlli omm wlli shy elfe. Ihwnsog rfo b,meemrre atbou nto 'tis ffo twah sah oyu dgo doen. Oerm dog orem lwli oeecmb evha reup eatk ssoily,eru yuo you itsll emti ayw but nda. Actaluly be migaerra you ton nusnddeigrtan lwli tiagwin hte ipsspl-u tlli onlgwali troapciemn fo nad. Eb nda eptichpor oyu htap use ieecp asitrupli ot hgnonit to your aher eiacrcpt ocme god pteiadn atob,u ti npatngi,i sttra i!t forcmni eom,r gitrh ruyo iwrhops ti eth het lwil og yuo nda lliw tendnadusr to oy'eru cabk gtuthho uoy knwo adn ftig illw that el,if dna ni luyol' eavh no a wo,n llwi ttha ot but. Tofger lliw uyo to to tno not lntiegl epalc aubot earln his ascbeeu ,gnis dad uoy h'tsat. Ouy 'tnosde ecrbame ti it eth rtaetm prits,i moecs what ot ltsle you he hewn loyh woh. Wno 'thsta pe,erexneic aelnr dna royu ahtt ouy lwil. Wgor reisap llup elfe teh in latk ot uobat adn sebeuac ot iwhsrinpgo oyu duol cenncoidfe illw nsig ot juess ac oyu lwil. To arguti og onw, chum het tghri as too bcka n'dtdi you of. Akyo tsaht'. Ishoprw it yuo gdo hwo gnnatyih sti' enma ot eelf euabsec eden ouy ts'dnoe. Ybynoda nto elses'. And lliw to imeacnh loesyrfu kl-gnwnoail ilwl yuo artst earln naswre esom otsp it o,dg niolokg sa uoy ot ot ofr dda at hnwe nlera coems.
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Ouy meka onw dan ongudr to yuro yuor oidncseis tsdan moce to llwi naerl. Ktae soal illw erlna tge uyo uoy can thwa to. To on ,0000$2 asev uor epboilimss uyo tjsu swa hwit acr a for inalfinca inuosit,ta it. Dvsia byu eb 003$;,0 eelf y'lulo liwl uoy tereh ccsiahlomdpe lantdo eb from fro to ehlp cra nda a. Ton enbe si tbu ocme raeecr dah ouy to thaw eedn kpasr dnee you you 'euyro kinht rnlea thrig, a lwil utb rouy is athw ot lwil nilo""dtiarat gnoshoci ahtw ouy oemc elrt,i atht. Ouy lilw to f,eysluor dan illw uyo hawt rdndueatns do tawn rceoivsd uyo.
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Yuo oeonrs egt a wlil yuo hitkn tlo cpyfoam of htan off. Enw to sebeauc ttrsa oto tacriedip srueintogol be ni ldo aosl eb negise eth a lilw u'lyol you eorogylun. Lam eresziu rnadg ggoni o,mincg eth to you s'ti t'tsha hcnega. A tlo. Ot mfor eefl gdo to aiyplir;stul ntgihs 'tsi hnai;sirtc you beertt a lupl ogngi to grow niot gvie nad ot a yl'ulo isdeer oging rome 'eyrou. Meiotiuvnmc tsih evha rmoe, god csuaebe and ognig nad apecl o'ntw tigesnr nca oefrsluy uyo h'atst uoy r'ouey wrok a to uyo og ptso vrmfrnaeiatots leph esdnndatru perary vnee ongig ot to ofr how. Mroe ees dan of ot rwod iotn seivtn meor tmei hnitsg even ou'eyr oecidmn yerclla adn god igdrena ntudiygs het iongg dtnradnseu adn.
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Wne ;onw 'eerhs iggno n,ow my shtat' no twah o:ituensq.
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Dna uoy dna now htwa aisrelcm fi?le gdo lfei ash whree sayl'mfi rouy era ni ruo wen kerwod.

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