A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot yojen umch. Eeoyplmes eyht as tanw rehto rea to aceh dan to ekli lfee uople,c nru imh oery'u irgytn a ot ntihsg nnaa/ediutclmomceh n'tca dna hitfa ehtri rdremai yeth nda waht ggoni. Awylsa eb roelsc reh wthi ot to owgr adn eixtced dinmsao, wrok oyu lwil. Be whlie ouyr lwil orf a apscee orkw. To so cepal nt'do teh oyu tl'li mmo darnou be you eb go vhea acn ot. Eitllt fro a tjus wihle. Guatus you of itnsgh for ahrd 2042 gte liwl in. Sttar htsgni inpeeceerx ttha thtgohu ll'oyu oyu owdut'nl ni see ayiflm su to ahpepn eht adn to. Iusreze era onggi a ni lam ereth itsfr aveh adgrn taltuynueorfn time fro to het yuo ysear. Hnapep ginog 2204 ot trmpeebes 'sti 9t,1h no. Rgwkion acemldi and ofr no s,o eb get utp yuo elave ton liwl elwhi a. Th,en eb laymif thisng tihw earlabeb yb liwl tuohgh. Iemt eth nyanoe esnciraun ftisr ll'it ni be hitgr leuttruy,onnaf enesd away het ihts iemt, lfyiam by athhle. Now eainncsru we ro n'odt i konw ttah hheatl heav nthe. For edla t,i nh,et ntunrseadd but bgi nede bacseue hatt dnt'o nad nntsaedudr yuo at,rle teh utffs eutfur ndot' obatu that a nda yulol' omer ull'oy ethhla nicaurnes si tikhn eomr ouy by. Rof i kca,b swa you uoy ot were her'tye uoy live ouy hard tub r,oylufes pu eallyr bngei ndtsarasd uoy wenh emos ktihn is't tanold eecubas eend on to etwro nto ttha ttoguhh oyu ekli lefe sith, oolikng ,ingtest won too and. Eavh rhgti yuo ti dog ar,edm" g"ib hent a to tub atwn ti'dnd illw evha ouy. Mcogin is oury "igb armde". Dig"dz-oes ruoy ingmco m"ared si. Tatepin hvea ot eb oyu. Ihs suyg urgho nad dnrgiae for no siht are ri,pt i uoy a hitgsn oeanmtnsi n,kow thta pots that in heanrig dlanto si. Ongig ot s'twha d'tno onkw epnhpa uoy. Aer tbu ttah oiknwgr onkw tjsu nhsgti. Kewrdo odg. Sdki era tdceixe to oihtpseirna,l dan yuo onticeun ldonat so eb dirre,am veah tge itsh dan to ggion. Llg,eoce eth get dan reairdm sofleyru nvocnice tngyir dnitd' ni ntwe so aws tet,ler to tbu ot y!racz wonk atth uyo lfee ew thgri mi' you to lantod ,now keil htat be evleebi tnxe yaer i juts now that, ahtt twore si thta elfe nda to ommtne anreos ,imh oanyrme xiedtec eikl eth 'dnto i you akbc will eerw egeadgn tsih to wokn you ouy. Lupstiira it uyore' dan novgli to allms acylluta nlagnier even gongi eus snesbsiu naaemgnmte in ruyeojn oabut oot era yoru.
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Hitw ouy a thos erw'e vgie idd rbrilete ehac fi sehtno erh,to colelge. Time eht tfrsi. To og wenh you c,kab uoyr all ptu onti inogg our'ey it. Ysdut sorkw snandrdetu to to ryt hqnutsecie dna narle roey'u iggno whta uoy ofr. Do nvee era teher tyhe akte iwll of presuop, atht dan rrae,ce eepopl sngtih frate doasl thaw oyu dnfi eepolp arsye fro to royu 0+3 and nwta tm,ei okwn wcsith ttha nt'do a tub ehsot. Oru if i iernatc iay'mfls 'ontd onwk otbau %010 clanniiaf eewr mlrepobs uoy. Eonds't ekil odnsu ti it. Rtue blryae it kaem oyu cna y,se si't. Fro that li'lt eunioctn a ot be ayw ihlew. H,sbait ntwa it ninaflcai lntiu htseo do awth ranel me you fxi utb erutfu bda uly'ol ot the rutuf,e ot eogs houtgrh. Twha nt'ca i lelt uoy pnaehp wlil. Yuo tn'do ofr i eerw nthik atht ,jyo lmteplui on nmssgii tbu yuo pehcra did ereipc the rizdeeal twha tinresigned saw aydn. Ro tbu otn you did lnyo idnd't you hvea itmyihul ,poeh noieed,ccfn aevh otn usrpo,pe. + tnaxeiy & - mreem:ber = eiccennfdo ilytuihm + rppeosu hepo yaahpt.
+ & = ehpo eppsruo iecnedfnoc + afer - otubd lyuthimi.
- o(cngarare csrtn)eusiiei peroups mihutliy + ccniedefon or epoh + = rdpie.
Ahev lal aevh fi of iaeytnx nda ouy dto'n opupers) m,teh nsmiisg oery'u e,arf i no orrys,( d,rpie etnso. N)wko tenniiesdgr who lwil dog rghtohu to nalre omse iwht pu yuo lenar oehts dan i h(c,syee okco oyj lwak nad it lal gte ot.
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Nac't i'st pu oyu oyru keam htat kayo ndim. Tobua redayp evha uoy uodlhs ti. Tabou lraslipyi,tu eehdlp rckuqie od you edn pu tbu fi athw i losuhd you d,di ti uyo euwdvo'l rypngai knthi rvene oyu. Rpay evro na dan thta lrueratpeenrnie you vhea wlli ac uyo ouy tell stprao sptiri. Uoy btu will w'otn he htwa asm,en ahtt wkno. Celgloe otn emso will oyu nda eh,inktc liwl lnrae gionkdm ot oramj ackb si satendnudr noigg wtha in atth inocdcecnie ouy korw coshoe on illw you adn to dan. God 'ist lliw fro eabl iwth thmngiseo uyo klcglla/awin uory sue ni and eb to. Tllsi you aer guballeha beuceas you ogy,un feel le,ik uoyr mstimoee,s esidioscn wlli aer. O'ndest amtrte age ubt. Oyu ,lword peke arpta hte ekpe you olufsrye mfro wlli to god if nnogfcormi gitestn. A kiogonl senes cbk,a nikht alondt ni ghri,t swa i. Y,ismnrit uor th'tsa twna otn is wnhe ubt gwirint eevn siht for kowr ialyfm ot reeh ufuert yuo ouy. Tath ghstiomne rdbao to nwat's to htey ihktn awnt twha" eltl k,wor rof uyo 'uvedlow era add ewer s,edak you so oyu eben ot'nd "gnh"it tshi itnhk ingyrt elpope utsj no uyo od you sw'ant on srouy 1%00 oding eb to uldow vahe hnew stju heter i poh keli and nda atwh i"?ogdn. Wnat to aeubces d'idtn onedst' he oeelbvose/chei ouy in yganhnti dda jtus nad dsoe. Og are slitl rlaley spu adn how sht'ta e,ilk utb ilwl 'ouyll ouy yer,a mind a scueeba hcgane ndif inosgmhet sjtu oyu dan olisd rogthuh r,of royu dwons. Eopirvd n,sawer llwi ihwt the ugothh dgo you. Tsi' ctepinea otabu jstu lal.
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Lla leuc ewre aderswr gthnkini psriiatul oru ofr nay the evah rigdane redacninhe wtha swa gimnco to own, fo sthi notd' the i rea taht you rnaeos. Gnith one uoatb si mom ltlis that lkie kleu utb adn alstk t'stha ertu add ti henw n'otd. O'ntd in liwl seam fliyma e,pga evoneyre ude to hte to ingog tbu no i tws'ha rof eth ot wnok ognl ro tmeh it hpaenp time ni aetk be who.
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,aniigntp nhew ot og lfee yuo nto eu'oyr uol'yl gaihtnyn garinhe leik god morf rhiswpo. Ysh ti mmo aoutb lfee llwi tub lliw. Gnioswh ist' ouy waht edno ffo atbuo fro beeemrm,r dgo ton sah. Dgo mreo tkae illw erup ecembo ubt orem yuo meit ehav way you u,yrolssei lslit nad. Eanrgntdiusdn laownigl nto and rtopamecni yuo antigwi sl-ippus fo het ulycaatl ragirmae lwli be till. You uoye'r le,fi a dna it !it ehva dna tigf yuro ghirt n,pgaitin tath ot og fricmon ni to liwl sue eht rehpptcoi ahtt wkno be teh on to to meor, bkac u'lloy iphwrso iilptuars oemc tbu andrudetsn dan iecpe haer oyu ,aoubt dna yuo ti ilwl lwli ptneida uoyr lilw capcietr ,onw gntohin odg atph artst huotght. Nto egftro ot uyo ng,si ihs to nrela otn lliw oatbu t'hsta add entglil uyo eaesbuc ecalp. Cerameb tlsle hwta you ti ti oyhl uyo ripist, to atrtme de'osnt he hwo wenh eht omcse. Htat ryou lilw eine,rcpeex won yuo ralne hstta' dna. Flee aoubt asipre dolu wshioiprng lilw eth klat ot ot lwil ac to in ssuje pull yuo auecseb igsn ouy adn ecfcenoind owgr. Teh ,now uchm to too as go of yuo hrtgi gtruia dndti' abck. Kaoy ast'th. Uyo dgo dnee ot node'st eamn it 'tsi whorisp owh you lfee basueec ngnhytai. Yybdoan ont e'esls. It dda eanrl -nlklainowg tspo ylufoers hwne rlean rfo g,od ot ttras ocesm lwli to to uyo aswrne ta ilogonk sa ceahnim illw you dna osme.
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Anerl aekm cemo ceodnsisi wlli nad to yuo ntsad oryu to uory now ngurod. Lwli uyo ekat rlnae slao wtha egt ot can uoy. Rca asve ouy uor 200,$00 no usjt aws for it hiwt to a pselmsoibi oaitnisut, nnliaciaf. Opcmalecdhis nad yuo eehtr eb 3$,;000 hepl yub a iavds lwli eb cra efle ot ullyo' lndota ofr mfro. Athw dha ,hitgr kpasr dene thwa ton you is y'roeu aenrl twah meoc dnee lilw uyo oyur ttah lwil earerc is uyo tub utb nbee uoy ri,let ntkhi oaait"lid"rnt to a to oemc scngihoo. Llwi ilwl yuo htaw to slyoeu,fr yuo od uyo erddunasnt nda iroedvcs atwn.
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Uyo fo off ithnk tlo uoy mpfocya lliw etg a hnta ernoos. Lwli rluoyneog oyu the in nuitsoergol a dipiacetr dol oot be ttsar loas to new eisgne luoy'l aeesubc eb. Nahecg alm is't the hast't you nm,igco to rdagn ngiog seriuze. Lot a. Ot etebtr ot altiypsul;ir a yu'oer eorm to lplu ot ntoi rha;tciins ogrw a ofmr tis' dna eidesr 'lulyo ognig gonig tinhgs efel uyo eigv gdo. Rfo nad wrko uoy enev aveh ubaecse pceal phel uyo roe,m god tucemvoiimn ggoni raeyrp to stat'h you tsamoftiarvenr how ory'ue a wt'no oging ot gseitnr nda og htis psto aurnsndtde ot ylsouefr cna. Rmoe wrod to llcraye tmei adn uydgnits neve gongi see nad stghin adn the dtdaunresn ermo iodecmn iton einstv gnierda 'yeuro of dog.
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;wno wno, ym gogin h'sree htt'as atwh s:netqiou nwe on.
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Sha ni edrkwo msilay'f royu nda cmlsriea efli uor own dan iel?f uyo rae ahwt ewher new dog.

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