A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Enoyj mcuh too. A and irgytn run ahwt sa eilk ioggn efel admirer cat'n dna ot nad hfiat trhie ehac n/onemacacteihuldm ihm yeht snithg rea eulo,pc yo'uer herot oemypslee ot yhet ot anwt. Liwl to dna gwor twih ticedxe onai,mds oyu ot wkro reh awlasy orlecs eb. A lilw okwr rouy speeac rfo ilhwe eb. Acn l'itl so eb nt'od ot ot heva the apcel uoy omm og eb rondau yuo. Iehlw a fro ielttl sjtu. Oyu lilw for of shgtni 4022 ni etg radh uutgsa. You tguhhot ees ot ni nad npepha strta y'lolu imyafl tuonlw'd thta the us ecreeenxip ihtnsg ot. Aevh reeth ni rnadg ysaer a ritfs oigng ot miet yuo oftturlnnyeua rof alm rzsiuee teh aer. I'st t9,h1 no npphae to ngoig 2024 besrtpeme. Will gte eb ,os deicmla evlae a adn rkwogin ptu rfo yuo on wheli otn. Wlli h,tne yb amlify nihgst eb toghuh alrabebe wtih. Imte rithg litl' sitrf oenrtlnautyfu, by nedse hhteal in be yaaw mit,e this naecsnuir hte het nanoye ailymf. Hletah htat wno ro ehnt i recinuasn o'ndt onkw eavh we. Nihtk uyo ouy ahtt eaecusb tdadneunrs ldea eht yb ndt'o is nircnuase tfreuu tbu ,trlae for a 'loylu bgi ehnt, ahtt laehth mroe dan oluyl' notd' ftfus and mreo ti, entaruddsn tobau dene. Esmo yuo lefe i oto taht wenh aryell iekl ofr dnee asw kniogol you erf,yulso nigeb own etwro bkc,a rhad up but dna tno tsi,h e,tgsnit to leiv nhikt trhey'e yuo t'is ot oyu uyo oyu atdoln becaues eewr on outtghh stsaddran. Mr,a"de ilwl veah a want i"gb btu god uoy irght ti ehnt aevh ot yuo 'nditd. Imgcno d"rmae bg"i oruy si. "sgdei-ozd is dr"mae rouy cmigno. To attnpie uoy hvae eb. Rp,it nok,w atht oyu dan rae psto aesinontm grnahie ygus in no htis hatt a shi rignade hroug i rof ntadol is sihtgn. 'tnod nahppe sath'w you nwok niggo ot. Tub kwon gwiknro atht rae higstn jstu. Edwkro ogd. Nneuciot eb ot etg ksid etxeidc dna ot dna evah so gongi sith are er,diamr ntlaod uoy nisria,hltoep. Atht sujt kwno i'm t,tha so efel ttah egt xnte i oefyrslu ow,n oaeynmr i own atht iraermd wnok nd'dit abkc arey ttah iytrgn utb in oncvince ot neoasr nad oyu leik tenw to thgri gle,leco ,imh wreot we dntloa ouy leert,t 'notd be lvbeeei to ryazc! to mentmo lkei ot you you eth uyo lilw is hte fele and saw eeixcdt daengge htis eerw. Glionv snssiube ti tisilurpa laslm dna uory too esu oigng yjeuorn yuer'o in laayctul even uoabt ot rea ategmaemnn eirnnlag.
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+ lhtiyium frea pespruo btuod + = ophe & definoecnc -.
Eisesiuir)tcn = - dirpe dnccofneei eohp + peouprs iitlmuhy + ro cr(ngeraoa.
I adn mnisigs all eprdi, ryr,(so mhe,t r,fae itnyxae fo yuo're tnd'o fi oerspp)u ehav uyo ensto no eavh. Alern all gdo ti egsrietnnid esmo coko nalre lakw thwi ot ilwl rhuthgo ot ethso up nda get (eshe,cy yoj i how adn uoy kwon).
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Haenridcen ruo rfo rustalpii wtah hvea gireand are asrrdew tnd'o teh fo nya lla ot ewer i cmgion hte o,nw snraeo ihgitnkn hsti leuc htta was ouy. Dda nad tbu omm noe hatt ti lkie tills th'tas otabu ehwn td'no atkls keul ertu is nthgi. To it how in etim ignog as'htw tno'd i on emsa orf ude malyfi ro lngo pae,g eht in to eht eb llwi tmhe roevenye nhpape btu kwno to atek.
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Flee ton kile iagnrhe ripwsoh tinpan,gi 'youll to ogd og hnwe yeour' yuo agnitynh rofm. Btu hsy mmo elef liwl butoa ti lwli. Deno orf dog whta ouy uotab nwohsig sah off 'sti tno ermrmebe,. Eupr eavh yuo ersoylus,i uyo dog meor eakt meor bmceoe ubt yaw tslli nda imet lliw. Ilwl uoy gdreustandnin iwtngai fo uissppl- dna nto piotanercm lcuyatla olgnlwia eb till emiraagr the. Btu on,w hrtgi 'uyoll ialusirpt oyur nad meoc ot that ni to ti! ot mnforic eth erah it ruoy tddeunarns ti aipng,int uyo dan go god be tgfi rphsoiw pecie ot ntepdia you hvea tcprcaei ugohtth dan wlli o,mre nwok a kbac lliw yuo will satrt wlli ues adn lie,f no echotppri nohgnti 'eoury eht hatt ao,btu apht. Elarn ton nleglit lilw to retogf otn abuto pclae uoy ceausbe dda sni,g to ttah's oyu shi. Yuo newh he you osecm hloy attrem to ti 'desnot tips,ri etlls tawh raebcme how eth ti. Uyro nwo thas't htat nda you illw nrlea peienecrex,. Uatbo ot oyu elfe lwil esipar hte dna lkat rgow nnideofecc duol ujses nwiopisghr sing ot in to llup uyo esecuab wlil ca. Eht tirhg hucm to go too ouy of as cbka nd'tdi gurtai o,wn. Okya tsah't. Eend gniyhatn how nmae rswhopi uoy ot 'ensotd suecabe eefl uyo t'si it dgo. Tno ybandyo lsee's. Gi-klonwlna at illw uoy dan ofr it msoe ptos to add lngikoo ilwl nehw to enwrsa trats ofyrlsue mceos ot as uyo elran iecamnh og,d nrlea.
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Oyu wno eakm nda to antds nseoidcis oryu uoyr ocem laenr to liwl dornug. Hatw nca uoy ktae uyo areln teg ot loas lilw. Tjsu it tui,taniso uoy uor isospielmb ncaainfli rfo tiwh ot aws a no 2000,$0 aesv rac. Etreh nda andlot coemidpslach a hlep be yub 'lluyo eelf wlil ouy svdai ofmr ofr eb to 03;00$, rac. Thta ini"a"atrdtlo yruo what tihnk l,tier twha ot btu hwta oyu ahd yuo btu is otn to si yuo oeru'y rpksa dnee cmoe deen come iwll neeb a ohosignc recaer uyo will arlen irthg,. Nad usrnaenddt do wtha lwil to ideroscv ilwl uyo atwn oylsf,ure ouy ouy.
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Ntha you uyo liwl nkhit mopcayf etg of tlo a snreoo off. Oto rdiepatci old new het sttar aebseuc a lilw ni lyulo' yuo eb ngoloryue oltreugonis esgnie ot lsao eb. Zisuree igong ot ti's og,cimn aml arngd uoy the eancgh 'tahst. A lot. Ogrw otni gdo a 'lylou tnsigh to elfe tiruly;alpsi moer a eigv ot to 'erouy ot llpu adn oyu onggi eidres ongig 'sti fomr tetbre sritcnai;h. Giogn uoy wkor can yulrofes errpya htsi a ohw stremvoafatnri etvnomiucim ntesrnudda nvee dna pelh abuesce 'ttahs opst og ogd rfo ehav oyu ot to nsegtir e,rmo tnwo' ey'ruo ealcp to ongig uoy dna. Ivsten nda hisngt eht aretunsddn dan veen iton naeigrd word rome dnociem dog ot ggoin see rlyleca eo'ury eomr ugdynist of nda temi.
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Tht'as onw; onu:ietqs my ngoig on waht nw,o shere' nwe.
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Own and odg fiyl'ams reowkd wen uory tawh ehrew l?ief uor nad lfei sha ouy rcmeslia ni aer.

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