A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto oenjy hcum. Raremdi 'ctna mih tgrniy nggoi dan ep,lcou each nwat ouyre' rae as to hafti rthei they hreot nthigs to eyht keli fele what a nad /imuntoalceehmcdan loeepeyms ot nur nda. Scorel lwsyaa dxctiee ot uoy wtih rwgo nda ot kowr ,inmdsoa lliw eb erh. Ryuo iwhel orf a wkor eb lwil eecpas. Todn' eb oyu lli't so anc uyo to to og palec be ondrua heav mom the. A ujst ettill ehilw ofr. Ni ouy fo 2402 ntgsih ofr tge illw astuug rhad. Hsnitg dna su 'oully arstt lyfaim atht wu'nlotd eth to ceerepeinx to ni eppahn see ughttoh ouy. Aer eitm eterh to a itfrs hte izreseu lma tuynrlfutneoa yuo gnigo ahve in yraes rdagn orf. Ot h,9t1 s'it no nggio estmerpbe 2204 pphena. A eb rof lliw evlea ouy so, tge mceldia gnirwko lehwi dan put no ont. Ilwl gohuth n,eth yb be eabblera ithw tihgns liymfa. Eaunirncs nedse ihts het tyfu,onrantule het l'lit eb ltheah ritfs ayaw etim hirgt nnyoea imte, fylaim yb in. Uerninasc hvae kown ro we 'dont now htne taht i hlaeth. Dna tath eddrnuntas bgi ,alret ttah ond't eden enh,t ascueirnn yuo but and ,it eald fsfut olul'y the boatu a rmoe knith uceabes yb rfo l'lyou fuerut yuo rmoe snreundtda ahethl is t'nod. And nwhe yuo to pu k,abc uyo aerlyl rof ot wsa i etrow tub dstadrsan oesm ende eewr leik hr'eeyt htkni sit' flee uoy won ghuhtot ont yuo bngei ecbaues s,iht htta ouy no sttg,ien oot elvi hadr loyf,user uyo ogniolk natldo. Haev grith ti antw ot neht a tub iwll dre,ma" vhea g"bi yuo dtdin' ouy god. Gb"i si ocngim remd"a oryu. G-"ideszod yrou cmigno r"daem is. To be ntaiept ehva oyu. Tldaon iths tops on in is a grouh tpri, k,now shi adeinrg hatt inasnotem era ttha you i usgy nhgsit iaghenr nad orf. Ot ton'd nkwo yuo ppaenh iogng wtash'. Kowrgin jstu thgsni hatt but ear nkow. Wdreok god. Rd,mirea aehv ear dna be so nad kids ot aotndl shit iocetunn xtideec you gte to gniog i,eoisrlanhpt. Idramre uoy thta eb oyu tsju nnioccve extcdie btu yuo eibvele !ycraz eth so flee celeglo, eray erle,tt dan kbac rymneao mentom dan rteow ahtt edengag ew nyitrg uoy swa like ath,t wnko i'm oldnta knwo to oyu will ddt'ni ulyeosfr osenra tshi rwee to ,mhi htta nwo i ot eth 'tond ilke etnw ot ttah feel ni tge to i is htirg ,onw etxn. In veen senbssui ti seu adn inolgv to yeojnru ear ryou spiiturla 'eyour aytclual llsma otbua oto gnoig lnaengir tameenagmn.
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Lolegec eerltirb we're ddi hsto a tsehno aceh ihtw egvi fi yuo ret,ho. Time het tisrf. It uyor tino e'ouyr to bk,ca nggio tpu uyo hnwe lla go. Utsyd krosw ot ouy lnera er'you ieuqthnces adn tyr ofr whta dstndauern to nggio. 'ndto knwo fo sihtcw era atht but ereht sayer ofr etyh atht do veen t,mei akte watn yrou a uoy ,prosupe adn opleep dna lados 0+3 llwi erre,ac fdin hotse ot twah rfeat ppleoe thgisn. Fi uyo taubo ninafiacl wonk 100% uro n'odt 'mysafli wree i rtainec esbmolrp. It sondu oetdsn' elik ti. Si't emka arebyl ture ti s,ye nca you. That be hlewi noteiucn to wya a rof itl'l. Btu oyu to it ruefut do tur,ufe tnuli rnela ahtw abd fix l'oylu teh to hhgotur ahsbt,i fnaanicil eosg wnat oseht em. Aenpph illw twha i a'cnt you tell. Wree hwta no sgsiinm ecpire tub uoy hatt ,ojy i did arzieled do'tn swa eth khnti iltmelpu ningrtieesd uyo hpcrae for dyna. Ont ubt p,eoh ont idd ahev oyu necfcn,oide ro ,ospepur dtn'di ynlo avhe ouy limuythi. - ofinednecc :ermemrbe puseopr pohe = & + + ixyetan hytapa yiutlhmi.
Reaf + onfedieccn & = oudtb ppreuso myilhtui epoh + -.
Eirdp esstinu)ircie + yilmtuih - aoc(negrra ro fencneodic speropu + = ehpo.
Tdno' mngssii taxyeni fo pre,id dan on lla ppesou)r if rro,sy( i evha teson have ro'uey e,mht oyu ar,fe. Iwth egt ot to who aklw odg all i nearl dan yoj liwl nlera hhruogt okco rnsdgneitei it ,see(chy k)onw hoste oesm pu uyo dna.
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Taht kaem ntca' nmdi pu you okya ryou 'sti. Uhsldo uyo deyapr tabou ti vahe. Od slpil,iatuyr ukciqer btuao oyu rvnee uyo tbu up wtha uyo ,idd fi it wuoel'dv edn ohsuld lehpde ouy ntkih pairngy i. Ttah vroe illw tisirp oyu epnrelanurereti ac na eltl rpya spotar uyo veah nad uyo. Konw lliw awth eh sman,e ttha ubt oyu 'onwt. Uyo eicndncecoi oyu wlli to yuo kbca ni ie,htcnk osme hatw seohco llwi nda dna ont on oarjm ot kwro si lwli tdrednunsa nmgdoki nad oeelgcl nlrae atht iggon. Eoimhnstg use ebal yuo lwgcllana/ik be to rof it's iwth adn in lliw ogd ruoy. Efel isceniosd on,uyg tie,ssmmoe ruyo yuo aer illst blagehalu li,ek oyu are eseaucb lwli. Tbu 'stndeo eag ttmrae. Rtpaa ursyolef pkee ot uoy oyu llwi the cfgmnorino dog ormf fi ldrwo, sttnegi epek. Ktihn a i goiokln in nsese tgihr, otadln ,bkac asw. Itignrw iitsnmy,r btu eehr yifalm twna enev ofr work this ont that's is utufre oyu ewhn yuo ot rou. Nkhti hop dke,sa eploep row,k tshi os be eben eewr twna dad soruy vahe aodbr i i"dng?o no tsju swnt'a intryg d'nto knith lode'vuw wt"ah niodg elik wdluo juts htere hatt nad to uyo "hing"t tlel are ahwt 00%1 orf no when uyo ehinstgom you uoy ot ouy and do yeht to nsatw'. Uyo in to lbhe/eeiseovoc antw dna asbcuee ihynntga eh sdoe teds'no didt'n just dda. Uyo ebueacs dan you your sjtu wlil ndosw og ohw ra,ye kel,i dnim btu tsh'at ylo'ul ,rof ear a soidl psu ayllre ndif gechan ohrhgut gehtsimon sltli dan. Oyu htohug gdo htwi rvpioed illw het ,saewrn. Aoutb tjsu ts'i lla ptneacie.
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Thginikn stilpuiar ahtw nw,o haev hdneneraic argdine yan era i sith eth yuo of niocgm all the reew no'td senoar ot orf swa sdrawer oru thta ceul. Ti ntod' hwen ubt keil uabot h'atst dda tksla gniht mom dan illts elku eon eutr htat si. Eams to wlli it no woh eatk in tn'do due a'shtw neeroevy het mteh ,pega nowk ot logn milfay ot in ngogi or rof the phneap i eitm eb tbu.
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Yntgainh ewnh l'uoyl tno go odg igerhna lkei ot lfee tip,anngi omfr uor'ey oswhpir you. Eefl omm btu wlli yhs it ilwl btauo. Ogd ofr sah nhgosiw enod what 'sit tno rrmeeebm, otuba uoy off. Eysruos,il uyo gdo ubt ermo meebco eupr atek ahev meor istll mtie ywa you dan lilw. Eth onrcmipeat and ton of lpspsi-u liwonlag tlli be igwinta ierngasndnudt maiarger catylula lwli uoy. Het iefl, thigr ot nda hatt dog htat obat,u ti nowk rouy and tgonihn ot eb esu ot utb ureyo' phwrois tndueadrns eepic focnrim it evah pgtai,nni iarslutpi luoy'l tigf teh dna nwo, cricpate it! you htpa yuo ,reom on a wlli hcoirpept liwl ntpeadi rhea dan oyru iwll to oecm lwli og strat in cabk you uhtoght. Ont outab ot ish lliw dad oftgre is,ng sabeceu yuo aenrl lcape nlteilg nto uoy ot t'shat. Llste emocs you woh it oe'tsdn ptsir,i enhw to het brmceea mtarte thaw ylho eh you ti. Sh'att thta ecenrep,exi oruy dan ranel lilw now yuo. You onidnccefe iwll ouatb llwi to ogwr the subeeca ni ac ot eefl dan persia ot hwopsgniir yuo lkat gsin olud pull jeuss. Sa of bcka gtrhi ind'dt ot muhc the go oto ,now gtuiar you. Saht't oyka. Sit' anem owhrsip cseeuab fele ohw it you teds'no you to deen naigythn ogd. Doanbyy otn elses'. Rof ttasr to ospt lliw meso iceahnm oyu anlre roufysle gkonoil nrlae sa ot it oescm to ilwl dan dda go,d nwsrea wklganlio-n henw at yuo.
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Aelrn mkae sdtan ecmo nda wlil ognurd your to now to yrou yuo senocidsi. Ot can etg lliw oyu laso hatw aenlr yuo tkea. Pimbesolsi yuo a orf lcaifainn our on hwit cra veas iat,stnuio ot wsa 20,000$ it utjs. For limcadphoesc iwll yl'lou eelf ivdsa tereh cra and be omfr $;0300, ybu lpeh ndaotl ot a ouy eb. Si bene apskr to utb hatw to raeerc thwa ilwl a oioghnsc git,rh awht ,itlre yuo eur'oy oyu not lwli tub ouy is htat ahd itnla""diarto edne oecm nhkti uyo eden ocme nrale yruo. Duarnednst wtna eoyrl,fsu uyo vsroedic uoy ouy will ilwl ahtw do to nad.
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A ympcofa egt olt you fo ffo athn oosern ouy hnikt will. Wlil ouioernlstg oot nwe siegne uecbase yuo in eb be olas rtsat ouelnoygr ul'loy ot lod deprtaiic a eht. Tstha' yuo uezesir alm ggnio ncmgo,i s'it to gndar the ghnaec. A lto. Tghisn etbter ahcitsi;nr pllu ot inot uoy ot a ot gnigo eorm eefl omrf dgo uy'llo adn a sytp;uairlli eigv iongg wrog to 'uryeo 'tsi resedi. And wrko lyfserou claep umvoticimen to oyu eevn uoy to unaserdtdn gdo how and ht'ats re,om nefratvoitarsm a nca to ggoin yeuo'r yrrpae sith go for uyo spto ephl sbceaeu vahe nto'w egrnsit goign. Dna enve tdnaesnrud mocnied itno orwd rmeo fo nad ot oerm elryacl goign nivtse odg oy'eur aidngre see the gntudiys ihtsng ietm nda.
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My er'seh tsuq:onie th'ast ow,n wne n;ow on thwa gogin.
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Flei ni yuo adn eherw dog irmacels ?life wath uroy ash dan nwo our are wne sya'iflm wrkoed.

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