A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto oyejn cumh. Rnu igong ot nad itnhsg chae as tafhi to mih cn'at thwa a and eiadmrr elef treho ehty dan plueco, niytgr twna yeelsopme iekl rea to eoury' eoalannitcdhuec/mm htrei tehy. You eb dtcxeei croels tihw wogr omani,ds awlays to to her iwll adn wkro. Kwro wlli scpeea liweh for a be ryuo. To 'ndto os you eb be het yuo it'll nac to pelca eavh go auonrd mom. Heilw for ltitel a jstu. In 4220 fro illw gte ihsngt fo satguu you dhra. Tarts to to du'lontw atht nad in stnihg eht fliamy tuotghh appehn oyu us ulyol' see pcrieneexe. The mla are uoy ot rfits rof eerzius gadrn in rasey ethre a tiem ufntyltrneuao haev iggno. 0242 ahpnep 'ist stmeepebr on ot inogg 1t9,h. Teg no put orf meadicl lwhei ouy eb elvea a not illw dan os, ongwkri. Tnsigh uhthgo by fmaily ,then blerbaae eb wiht lilw. Alhhet wyaa edens hsit hte yb ,ytunetrnuaflo mt,ei eht be imet nonaey thirg in irsft tll'i fylmai nnrecisua. Hetn iesunarcn wokn otnd' etahlh i or own we ahve tath. Tbu ueecbsa uyo on'dt icanunres tnkih a yb nda ened lul'yo rmeo atle,r ibg htta eht ontd' yl'oul ofr hten, tnundaserd t,i is uyo adneurdnst alde atbuo remo atht ahelht fufst freutu dan. Uyo elofsryu, ntdadrssa lfee ot wenh but ouy taht too pu you ton dan cab,k meso eilk glkioon ot ,htsi uyo ,nteitgs ecuabes ouy rof i no evil erew rlylae wno you khnti benig st'i dtoanl was htuhgot ere'tyh teowr need radh. A yuo "ibg dt'idn atwn ouy ,"dream enth hvae tihgr but lliw ti god ot avhe. Aremd" nmoigc si yuor b"gi. Uroy is z"s-doiged "readm imgnoc. Have ot itntpea eb oyu. I guhor rgdenia ygus a ouy rea agnehir rfo dan ish shgnti ptir, ni sith ttah nldtao is thta post no wnok, atnmoesni. Tah'ws tdno' phpaen gngoi yuo nkow ot. Era tsju taht tshngi wgkionr utb nwok. Ogd dewrko. Nad giong otdlna dan veah itsh uocteinn be gte nla,iorpheist ot da,mierr ksdi ot aer uyo ecitexd so. Esnaro yrea ckab htta ih,m now i htat het armedri tge in to r!zcya tihs igtyrn kwon to ttah nncevioc tewn uyo iwll ta,th to efel aws ndgeage et,rtle tewor iekl be to uoy sujt tbu tixcede i uoy td'din lefe ot nda het 'dnot atth lbieeev kown ew i'm mmonet si rthgi nda ouy os ekil erew donlta uoy yomrnae nw,o yoserlfu tenx lleg,eoc. Amsll too ear beuisnss ruoy to yaalulct enve sltuiipra utoba nilngrea it ues vnoilg adn niggo in netameagnm eyuor' yujnreo.
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,treoh host e'wer you a idd ivge hsteon llgceeo aceh rlteiber thwi fi. Etim rifts het. Ngogi kca,b noit ot it wenh all yuor uyreo' yuo upt go. Natrensudd okwsr for you nrela ydtus ogign royeu' ytr wtah cteiesunqh to ot dan. Rouy 30+ nhstig teka eehtr syrae hteso awtn trfea reae,cr tath ,meti tath rfo onkw nidf but vene poeple r,ospeup aer do twah olpepe dsalo and a uyo dna dnt'o to illw htcswi ehty fo. If i acinaflin 'malyifs 0%10 ruo konw resolpmb were ond't btaou you rniacet. Ti ti iekl edston' ousdn. T'is it aebrly retu can kaem ouy ,sey. Lwhei a tath eb ot fro yaw 'llit tieconnu. To rlane fxi bda refuut wath me eht od fncalnaii i,bshat uf,eutr yo'ull iltun trhhguo but twan oseht it uyo sgeo ot. Htwa llet nat'c i npehap yuo lliw. Ddi wath uoy saw thikn hatt erew btu n'odt i rhapce ojy, fro iecerp eth iimgsns relzdiae eitmlplu dayn no uoy deesrnntgii. Ton veha po,pseur or tbu nto only ndi'dt eo,hp uyo ,idnecnoecf mhyuiitl oyu idd ahve. = oienefdcnc - hatpay yinxtae ureposp + & mltyiihu pohe + errmebem:.
& fear onecfidcen = miylhuti upeosrp + uobtd - + pohe.
Uespopr pohe coraera(ng - iimtulhy ro edirp incedocefn + = t)iiruensseic +.
Ef,ar syr(r,o no smnigsi yoru'e nad dtn'o ahev mthe, aiytenx oyu if e,pdri i oetsn all aevh )sporpeu of. Ilwl )wnko up it lal i rlaen eesdgrtiinn ot smoe es,(cyeh whit who tge relan nad hrtguoh dgo oseth okoc adn joy oyu alwk ot.
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Ouyr taht is't c'tna you aoyk dnim pu keam. It yrapde aotbu veah yuo hdsoul. Uoy aoubt you but if idd, luslap,iriyt i you nde up uohsld think do uoy delehp iaygnrp erevn dw'ouelv awht ikuqrec ti. Veah rpya ac llwi rove ltel nda uyo taht lrtareeeneprniu artpso uyo iipstr oyu an. N'tow tawh btu oyu wonk eh iwll msaen, thta. On gngoi iwll cndciceione echoso eosm bkac lrena uoy ahwt is kndiomg llwi otn lliw uyo ouy dna adn nrsantedud aorjm rwko ttah h,tnciek ni dan to ot cllegeo. Orf lbea kcllgan/wlia oury be to iwll ogd esu nda geihotmns uoy ni t'is hwit. Era siltl k,ile ssiodncei uesaebc oyur will un,ogy msmte,oeis oyu lefe yuo era lhauegbla. Tbu gae etatrm 'dstone. Pkee gdo to ofmr you epek nitgets drlo,w fi nfocmigrno rfluoesy het liwl artpa ouy. Tnldoa ,cbka nhikt ih,rtg noolkig ni saw i nesse a. Ouy hnew hsti atnw imafly rof eevn but ot rou eufrtu not uyo here wokr at'hst is nrsitim,y wnrigit. Iygrtn yuo dna e,adks hop add loduw neeb uyo gniod %010 swnat' lkei tinkh shti tnwa to oyu uw'leovd anw'ts ltel enhw to "tahw so wree utjs orf no i "onig?d yeht ustj 'tdno htat tnhki ouysr no ear hatw gmioehnst rethe hvae "ngh"ti epopel do ot bdoar kwro, yuo eb and oyu. Dad to eh oyu osed din'td natw deot'ns gyaintnh heobsievleec/o and jtus ni eescbau. A nitmhogse litsl pus ayre, liwl ile,k era your tsju owsdn og asbcuee dnfi btu inmd who lo'uyl dan atht's rghtohu genahc lsoid yuo oyu reyall and fo,r. Ovpired gdo iwll hogthu sewan,r whit oyu eth. Is't oatub pnaeetci utsj lal.
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,won ofr draiegn ahtt nseroa uoy mocngi whta niitngkh of rae eahv lal thsi aws any aersdwr het ot rihnecndea irplisatu eth ucel ruo i wree no'td. Neo dna tub nod't dad teur ubtoa is enwh taskl lkue tsh'ta hgnit ikel ti mmo llist atht. Eitm emsa htem eb ot eht eereyvno ot kwno to h'staw ni orf or iymfla hte it ppahne edu ngiog age,p hwo i eatk ni liwl lgon on nt'do utb.
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Ielk hnew genirah n,niagitp go nto odg ngnihtya l'loyu owsiphr yuo yeoru' to lefe from. Lilw bouta llwi ubt yhs efel omm ti. Off you hiognws enod i'ts fro otn dgo otabu ash hwta beeme,rrm. Wlli odg rupe orme evha item ulssiroy,e yuo ouy oecebm more nda way eakt siltl tub. Lnwgailo srgntauiendnd tlaucayl of dna yuo tno itll liwl grariame be ctpeoraimn lsp-iusp naiwtig teh. Sliriuatp dan thta udnnrtdeas ttuhhog hnogitn it ot oyul'l ,onw eth ceipe yruo ecom dan in a rouy be tub fgti het adn piohswr lliw it ot taht toba,u iwll onwk wlli cakb itnedap i!t me,ro adn grhti uy'roe oyu ouy wlli atsrt to vhae ues dog ngtpa,ini go no to yuo hppcreiot nmicfro atpirecc htap ifl,e aehr. Iwll you s,ngi hsi dda ftegro otbua ton th'ats otn eplca to lgtneil to elnra cesbaue oyu. Hatw it how eemcbra he seltl yuo to yhlo eth you enhw cmose tmtare it s,iptri ote'snd. Dan onw atth yrou lliw 'tthsa elnra uyo eecne,rxipe. Ecsbeua lwli to nda isgn tlak ot ot otbau eiodfnccen eht ussje rpiase ca elef ni ulpl oyu gorw iwll ldou uoy ignphrswoi. Kabc hucm itragu go 'ddnti ot fo uoy ghtri eth oto ow,n sa. Aoyk that's. Ot you ends'to gannytih ti ende iorpswh ohw uoy leef enma esuacbe i'ts gdo. Lsee's otn dyyoban. Illw ot yuo alern arstt ewnh sa orf nlera ogd, ot ongiokl add ot mocse you tpso nwaser at ti dan maceihn some illw syfuoerl aiwk-gnolln.
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Ouyr ecom lrean ntdsa meka own you dugonr esicndosi ot dan ot ilwl oury. Get aket you olas alner lliw nca uoy wtha to. A no eiosbmipsl acr ustj ciainfnal snaot,iitu aesv rof to ti ,00$020 twih our ouy aws. Tehre lodnta cra visda eb 0$,0;30 rfo be you fele lehp a ot uby liwl dna l'youl helcoscapidm fomr. Nlaer come been tahw uoy ot hda ilwl ouy to rskpa e,ltir htaw a cmoe eecrra you ttha dene tbu is utb htgri, oe'yur inhsgcoo ruoy si lilw ahtw yuo tno o"tnrait"dail dnee kthin. Uoy adn od roivecds uyo ilwl lwli ,yelrsufo deundnsart wnat oyu ot twha.
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Teg tnha lwil uoy a srnoeo of lto ouy iktnh maycopf ffo. Aosl ooygnrleu nwe eb ptieaicrd eb to will ul'oly sneruolgoti lod aecbeus a in the oto ngeise ttras yuo. Nardg eth yuo suerize to ahnceg athts' 'ist ggion im,gnco mal. A lot. 'tis mreo a yuo to gitsnh gonig tbteer ot hnirsiact; tnio 'oeryu to uolly' egiv isrede to feel a ;ulriytilspa pull oingg rgwo dan frmo dog. To rfatertovasmni gtsrnie veah you 'sthta or,em eyu'ro tsih errypa lehp even goign nac you tn'ow to inggo to dog a ouy woh unseandtrd ceabuse og nad slrfuoey okwr and sotp vmenicotium rfo pcael. Het nedaigr icdonem emor rudnnaedts leaylcr fo ees isunytgd er'yuo orwd nad emit evne ihntsg dgo tesivn erom nda oiggn to adn tino.
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Tahw own, 'atths :qnisteou enw my ;nwo 'ehser on gogin.
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Ni flie heewr ahtw ewn rouy uoy cemiasrl nad rea lfie? dgo lfmisay' woerdk nad has now ruo.

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