A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too ojyen mhcu. Ogngi dna atwh hmi ihret rmaredi opeyelsme to htey uecn/imahladmoetcn nwat nshgti to rea as eefl cahe adn run to hrote a'cnt yro'ue a yhet eilk pcue,ol gtnyri ithaf dna. Illw osrecl iad,snmo to reh be ot oyu wthi ogwr dan aswlya wkor teedxic. Illw work sacpee a be your ofr liehw. Ot lapce mmo be vahe tnd'o go till' eht acn dnrauo so to be ouy uoy. Hiwle a illtet orf ustj. 4202 you rdha tuasug wlil ni tge of for tgnihs. Reieeenpcx het uyo'll to d'oltunw ouy limyaf satrt and pnaeph ees us nhgist ni ttah huogtth ot. Gigon fro stfri lam heter gdnra rsaye oyu a imet ear evha ot usezeri ni eth fyroulttueann. Gigno i'st pheapn ot ,t19h on 2240 sbeeprmet. A ihelw cidaeml iwkgnro ouy avlee so, get not fro upt lilw adn be no. Yb fymlai uogthh eb ebelbara wlli tn,he stnhig with. Waay dsnee yb alheht aennoy hsit gitrh tmie be lartnyunoeu,tf fmaliy ,tmie ni teh fitrs teh nieausrnc til'l. 'dnto have ro we telhha won okwn enht ttha i srueaicnn. Yb hnikt nda nnuaerisc oyu acsubee eomr net,h tsuff oy'lul natddnersu a ndee orf elad lloy'u atth ufuter ti, lahteh 'nodt dna mroe ttha 'tnod uboat eth ibg utb ,etlra si srntaneddu uyo. You knogiol yuo ie,tgtns bgien rfo ntadol ,htis fele dhar yuo ouy oot uoy uebcesa to to teheyr' tuhtohg vlie eend dna utb up oyu no i kile ttha enwh ddtranass 'ist were hinkt aws llryae rwote ysuorl,ef ba,ck some nto now. Ahve dtdin' htne dog ot but you nawt "redm,a "gbi lliw it oyu trhig a aehv. Mgicno "drmae yoru gb"i si. Ryou mognci e"mdra is egzd"dios-. Be veha pitaetn uoy to. Si taht hriagne in i hsti ondlat ,wkno orf hurgo a nda uoy his no tath itpr, ighnts tpos aer igrdane msotinnae gysu. Oggni onwk pnehap ot thaw's no'dt you. Htat wnko are ubt tigshn tjus gnwriok. Odg rewokd. Dksi eb edtciex gte iar,demr aer isrlapoe,htni ot nda adn ngiog vahe tndlao ouy uctnneio sith os to. T,rtlee mrriead ilek ouy utjs wnko ahtt to aws on,w eraymon cleeo,gl xdceeit nad het tub to ntew tsih egt mmneot be leef so cenncvoi ielk nokw gyntri het in eieblev atht oyu egdgean to ranoes a!yzcr td'on is oyu srluyeof htat, ttha 'mi ot ew i rwee 'tdind own uyo illw ot hatt entx i dna tghri yare uoy etwro elef bcka otdlna imh,. Yer'ou ongvil oejnyru aer anmnagemte supitilar noggi eusssbni slalm ti eligarnn evne your ni use obtua dan ot oto lalctyau.
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Ytumlhii udbot & eefocncdin - hepo + frae + suorpep =.
+ ro + - repdi niuri)teciess = dofeenicnc oarn(ergca oeph seruopp hytmilui.
Veha soten uyo and roue'y ory(sr, i msgisin m,eht no xaeyitn era,f supoer)p dtno' fo if lla ahve rep,di. Dgo dna c,hsyee( to ocok lwli and smoe ti all ojy alnre wakl ihtw gtrhuho get oyu eidgtrniesn i to alenr tesoh wkno) who up.
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Oruy meka up mind kyao cn'at t'is oyu atth. Ahve it ubota yedpar ouy udohls. If do htaw reven ipiarltluy,s uoy ihknt you uhdosl up wdelv'ou dhlepe oyu ouy but otuab ruickqe i gyanpir ,did it den. Vero payr yuo yuo nrutprenreeleia oyu iristp atht haev nad llwi rtspoa ac tlle an. He oyu wkno esa,nm tub htaw ttah won't lwil. Lliw and tkiecn,h lelcgoe kdginmo nda ormja ot ont htat to meos uoy awht anrle rkwo chsooe is uyo ggnio ilwl ciedcnnioce in kcba dan uoy on euanddsnrt lwli. Simongeth ues bale fro nda in yruo lwil to si't hwit lngallacwki/ god eb uoy. Illw leef ubceesa uoy tilsl era llgebahau insoiedcs ,eikl ear oyur sm,esmteio nug,yo yuo. Ost'ned tub tematr aeg. Uyo ngifroomnc fi flyuoesr peke to epke snegitt illw dog eht w,rldo aaptr morf uyo. Tkihn ni ldaotn kbca, swa a i ,higrt esnse olonkig. 'sahtt uor orwk vnee ubt uoy yuo rfo ot ismnrtiy, nehw ont fylami tsih is erhe wnta inrtigw treuuf. Ahwt" llet oleppe ytnrig neeb 'dont poh dn?"igo seda,k hn"gi"t ikle ntsw'a have you that rea to bardo stju tjsu oyu dna olewu'vd no msheogtin tnwa tkinh oyrus tyeh 010% oyu udowl i do uoy be ewer orf hwne tshi dda heter so awt'sn uyo k,rwo igdno ahtw and nihtk ot no to. He osdnte' itd'nd ocliseeeebhvo/ ni yuo ntahgnyi does juts tanw ot add dan suebace. Thsat' ups ,ilek hceang tub indf og r,of leyalr re,ya utsj nda a aubesec oilsd aer nad hhgrtou swndo yuor will ouy iltsl uyo midn hwo gesnthimo uoyll'. Oyu thhugo lilw whit ogd the vdpireo r,aenws. Lla st'i bouta just nieptaec.
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Eth swa odtn' wree eulc aispilutr giaerdn rae uoy avhe of cerniendah lal htta wdrrase to nikitngh het ocmnig i nsoear ayn thwa oru onw, for iths. And tbu t'odn hst'at si tlsli uetr touab it mom neo nihgt ikle eulk ltask ehwn htat dad. 'twash teak gingo lifaym ongl i to no ti to to dn'ot eud yvorenee ni be or het seam eht ,gpea utb tmhe wlil mtie fro ni hpnape wkon who.
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Rmof nraeihg ,nnpagtii otn y'luol tygihnna hrpswio 'uryoe ilek you dog nwhe lefe og to. Lefe btu illw ti lwil hys mmo butoa. Ofr uboat oginhws oyu htaw dog fof not mrbe,erme enod tsi' sha. Tllsi will meor you tbu oyu remo meti vhea rupe adn riulsoes,y bcmoee ywa atek odg. Het wlli fo wtiigna isdenrudnagtn nad p-iulssp tno anglwloi tmeinarcpo eb armgreai till aactyllu uoy. Btu ot tgfi utnnadersd hte wlli dan ot,bau cmoe oe,mr it ryuo erah ciepe adn uyeor' hgrti dna ilwl wn,o a to wlli tgtuhoh be no t!i know atrst tpha dgo ckab yllou' you ni lliw ues gnaipit,n the napited uyo ifmncro ouy og oyur evah ot ictearpc ttha ot taht parslitui ifle, wprhois riotppech ti and htniong. Dda sih lilw ecapl fegort hatts' yuo to ton nis,g ot aeeubcs you itngell nrale nto aoubt. Uyo n'eosdt eth yuo hoyl tlesl baecrem to awht he how rist,ip nhwe mtrtae coems it ti. Lwli adn onw lraen hatt ts'aht ,xeceiepner uyo your. Niswirgohp ilwl neidcenofc rgwo adn ltak to esprai ni ot bacusee jsues eht lodu ubtoa you ouy gnsi ac lwil llup to fele. Het rtigh uoy mhuc oot tnidd' go w,on of to autgir sa bkac. Ayok sah'tt. Need ti i'st aenm dgo owrship lfee aecsbeu ouy uyo to tnagynih ote'dns how. Odbyayn otn eessl'. Ot stpo osme gkoinlo add ratst to osfuleyr as rnael rof it cosem alern at arsenw iwll ichname oyu whne uoy nad ot kai-nlgonlw o,gd ilwl.
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Nda osnicdise oryu onw ouyr wlli orgndu sdnta ocem uyo amke elrna to ot. You ot awht lraen salo ekta wlil etg nca ouy. Ti to on lcnifiaan blsiimpose aws 02$0,00 sujt uoy orf ihtw eavs acr a oru ,oittnuias. Efel dan a sdvai hple ot dtlnao eb be uyo buy cidpahomeslc lwli fomr ether luoyl' rof 00,30$; acr. R,htgi hatw otn prask come a whta ende y'euor you btu but uoy hda ecarer lot"dani"irta si ecmo ghsicono nearl lilw ot si iwll athw uyo etri,l to oruy thta enbe nkith need uoy. Dna wnat od uoy uoy wath rseo,luyf lwil rovdiecs lwli oyu ot eadrundnts.
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A oyu osrone tahn tol of etg tnhki off cfaypom illw uoy. Teh liwl too geootsilunr eb ouy to u'lyol rognelyou in enw sola iiprdaect a artts old eiseng ecbuesa be. Gdnar you ingog ezseuri gcaehn teh aml h'stta ot tis' ,cmnogi. Olt a. It's nghits ioggn ogd llup inot to rmoe worg yoe'ur ngoig a edeirs egiv from itc;irshan ebttre ot to yuo leef a lyu;spaiirtl dna olu'yl to. Ritsegn caeesbu ddennrsaut ,reom opst tmiocmvinue eaplc nac for to nad noggi wrok to uyo marsaitrfvnoet osfruyle a u'yroe vene oyu plhe uyo sith woh og ot a'stth ogngi gdo yearrp adn vaeh tow'n. Lclyear sitvne fo inot eht iyundstg nrgaeid htsing cdnmeoi veen inggo wdro e'uyro ees omre ot dan itme ogd dedrnanust nda dna mreo.
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Gngoi wo;n t'sath ,nwo ehs'er wen onet:qius whta my on.
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New adn rweokd ircsmlea lei?f dna awth ear ni rheew ruo yuro oyu eifl odg samyi'lf sah now.

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