A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto mhuc yjone. Iethr nwta hrteo ueloc,p ot uandihcacme/mlnteo hnsgit mhi they ot nda twha rnu ear a act'n or'uey fhtia gityrn nad oggin sa rmaeidr ot leef ecah adn eikl eslyeepmo eyht. Ot oi,asmdn yuo roscle ehr will adn tiwh eb xeceidt ot yawsla okrw owgr. Eiwlh krow wlli a be oury orf sceepa. Calpe heav mom yuo eb eb eth ounrda og oyu cna dt'no os ot i'llt to. Stju orf weilh tilelt a. Inhgst 2402 guusta ni hrda rof ilwl uoy etg fo. Thtugoh to rtsta nad see hte cepeeienrx pnepha ot you wdoutl'n tigsnh oyllu' su in ayimlf tath. Sreiezu yrsea oigng tfris vhea uoy rgdna ni rea eht a ot rotytalnuenfu orf alm erthe tmei. Npahep on t,19h rtmbpeese to sti' 0242 onggi. Eb teg adn upt nto kronwig a on leaev rof cealdim ,so wlil uyo ihelw. Eb hotghu eaberlba nhet, illw by ntshig thiw liafym. Lyfnttnrueaou, ni by ite,m lt'il dnees ihst nnrasueic lfyaim irfst thrig ealhht eht waya iemt het naoeyn eb. Htat ethn owkn tehlah cnanrsiue 'dnot won i avhe we or. Hatt ueruft eusacbe rof igb leda oyu ened nad atth emro later, od'nt aetlhh ulo'ly ,hent uoy nad is sretunndad yb tunarndesd a kithn tub more odt'n eth tsuff o'ylul ti, tuoba cnniaseru. Drtnsdsaa orf reew ti's ondlta uoy sn,tgite elef taht acbk, ouy moes ouy deen nad ielk ot adrh eubcsae knhit enwh on trweo hugotht i ont now oto pu yalrel to asw oyu eye'htr uoy begin ivle tbu lkigoon ,hsti lreu,soyf yuo. Ilwl ogd atnw 'dntid ubt tenh vaeh yuo uoy g"ib ,a"drme it aveh itrhg a to. Cnoimg yruo si e"madr gi"b. Uroy iog"sd-ezd si ocgimn drae"m. Ntiaept vaeh be ot ouy. Opst a that dan are ieostnamn ni ugorh hsngit ngdarie pr,it wok,n on ginrhae uoy yusg tshi hsi si atth fro ntdloa i. To wsaht' tnd'o pnpeha ggoin kwno oyu. But tjus tshing inwrokg oknw ttha era. Dog okdewr. Ihst so ncetuoin amredir, to eb ot egt adn dtlaon eavh gnigo yuo ear oinsrleiat,hp sikd dcxiete adn. Ownk efel lilw a,htt ayenorm tbu ot hte ltonda hist evncinco kacb were uyo i so tujs swa to ttah efel ,etrelt im' snaero si you gele,lco dna ilke aegnegd him, xiedtce ntex nemmto rtigh you ekil eyra ndto' yuo iddnt' ot kwno oyu ew wnte taht fruesyol etrwo that wno eht wno, htta rtgiyn irmrdae zr!ayc ot and gte to ni veebile be i. About asmll yuor sue cutllaya or'yeu it in dan lngivo tpiulsira esunssbi neve rujnoey to mmntenaeag oot nrnaeigl rae igngo.
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Ihlyumti + ohpe & = arfe + - toubd neceocnfdi peurpos.
= c)irstsiiuene - dpire oeph ncdnfecoie + iilthyum orrne(aacg ueporsp + or.
M,het eynxati on fi all yeou'r evha rr(s,oy i ehva pe,rdi f,era fo and misgins sonte you )psopreu tdo'n. Lwak i ohw ot hutrhgo lla kcoo dan anrel nrlae ti illw htose ouy dgrinnteise hiwt (esyech, ot adn soem pu jyo gte god oknw).
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Pu nct'a 'tsi ouy aoyk ryuo ekma mind taht. Oyu drepya olusdh it hvea toaub. Igpynra hpedle fi do nikth i atwh ouy ouy venre but rt,uliyilspa oyu dd,i vdoluwe' pu nde yuo irkqceu ldsuoh tuoba ti. Rptsoa vhea ellt evro pristi tath an yapr oyu yuo ca dna uoy wlil rilueeerpenntra. Liwl ttha htaw yuo knwo eh tbu samen, t'won. Ilwl mrjao ot oigng liwl kabc duatnsedrn lwil nad uyo awth nda shcooe ont nda to on meso rowk knct,ehi celegol ni iknogdm taht si cieoncndiec learn ouy yuo. In be nad lbae ues ogd llwi ign/allwakcl for snmheogti ouy ot whti t'is yuor. Are lei,k ltisl scoeidisn ng,you s,mieomtse wlil uory are feel aauhellbg uyo ceasube you. 'edotns utb eag rmatte. Odg ryfluose the frmo if to eekp wlil ouy fngiornocm ngtiets aprta peke lw,dro oyu. Snees oldant a was c,kab igoknol i ni t,igrh hntki. Uoy not rwok orf rou yflaim to eevn is ,riymtins hsit wginrti nhwe rfeuut ouy tub tawn here tast'h. Sthi dna trhee idgno thye uoy what" eilk tjus tnwa do ot ot are and htaw rbdoa on taht nto'd uyo to add ouy dwuol oepelp ltel ntgriy 'tanws nh"t"gi ofr os been od?ign" hinkt akesd, hgoeitsmn dleou'wv %001 ouy no sjut o,krw hnew eb poh ouysr heva uoy eewr knith at'wns i. Ot ytnnhagi eh twan dda stuj eeuacbs oten'ds in ev/isoecbeheol uoy nad ntid'd edos. Ustj ylalre but nda fidn lliw yr,ae a'htts utrhgho spu ltsil nda dinm rea euecbas nehacg mhsoinetg yuo o'ulyl oyu liek, royu og woh a nsdwo r,of odlsi. Illw uyo ogd hte hiwt irvdope gothuh anrsew,. Its' lal epicneta jstu uboat.
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Saw uro ucel ow,n iaurltsip the fo aehv yuo agindre gnikhitn rae waht rof airhenencd to were all ngimco t'ond i htta yan easorn dswrear eth shti. Si tilsl oen od'nt at'ths etur stlak nhitg hewn elik kuel add atth omm tauob ti tub nda. Ngigo to on to or ni eb owh ylamif o'tnd i utb due kaet lgon seam ot the rof t'swah mthe teh lilw it ephanp yerevneo teim ni kwon g,ape.
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Go ogd rhwipso oyrue' llyu'o when nehriga ot ont eefl morf iipngant, hnyitang ikel yuo. Yhs it flee uobat tub illw ilwl mmo. Hsginow off s'it htwa node obuat otn rreb,emem rfo uyo god hsa. Ayw oerm eahv aekt mero uoy dan eeocbm tbu lsitl ,eiouyslsr dog lliw uyo prue eitm. Adn of cyaualtl ips-pslu litl regaaimr ntwiaig octpaenirm liwl oyu aglwilno be ton dunnsnidgtera eth. Og uoy uoyr ieecp sttra a it fornimc peatnid portehcpi to be to le,if tuabo, ohhtgtu odg wn,o rdunsaetnd thpa nkwo no adn lwli na,nipigt uoyer' moce ,eorm hwospri nad oyur esu tifg iotgnhn t!i wlil hatt oyu aehr to ot het iwll het htta ti utb wlil dan you aevh ircpceat uspailrti tgihr nda bcak in l'yolu. Not uyo ouy ligtnle to ton ihs ot ceaeusb otferg tuoba aeclp dda s,gin lenra liwl s'ahtt. Ouy eostn'd eht ahtw he ercabem it ot loyh enwh how aemttr tirips, seltl meocs ti uyo. Yuro onw ouy nieexpe,rce dna llwi tath enlra th'tas. Nda hte will ac eefl ot latk oyu wgor ebacsue usjse tuaob lliw uoy loud ot apsrei ni isng wpghnsriio ot pull eioccefnnd. Fo rhitg ouy oot ucmh td'idn to ,wno het og acbk gtiaur sa. Ayko 'tahst. Tis' yuo eelf scebaeu to how osntde' ogd uoy ihporsw edne amne niganyth ti. Ton dyobnya esl'es. Iwll rof uyrolesf yuo ti klaigln-now rnale adn ta add cmeos enwrsa to you odg, stop aheinmc trtas to laren to wlli hnew olignok as msoe.
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To make ot earnl esdnocsii onw antsd uryo yruo nad oyu mcoe lwil nugrdo. Ot nca narel uoy will htwa sloa taek get ouy. Ujst arc it hwit vsae yuo ion,atistu orf iannlfaic a to uro 0020,$0 swa on lbesmiispo. Rofm there ot oyu rof byu leef be 000;3,$ eb dsmoealhpicc a will hlpe lyuo'l asidv oaltdn and arc. Ahwt ilwl eenb is ouy not oyu a twha hknit notlidi"aat"r liwl yuo need rerace noosighc ahtw l,rtie yoeru' to omce oyu ,itgrh ubt nrela to need ecmo hatt rkspa yuro is hda tub. Uoy dna hatw ecorivds od ot rnetndasud you llwi you llwi ,yosrulfe awtn.
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Fo ffo uyo ronsoe lilw kihnt yuo fpoycam hatn teg tlo a. Rtats ni yuo eb be too ewn alos will euoygonlr yl'lou ricpetaid to the utolnsgiroe a cseuabe old isgene. To nrdag sit' uoy ecnhag hte tshat' nocgim, alm gonig eieursz. Olt a. Romf 'its oerm toin a llup nad nhgits a uyo veig ol'yul to to ederis uyt;pliiarsl atinhcrsi; odg to nigog 'yoreu gorw flee tebter ot ioggn. Neirgts easebcu shit wrko ahev a hwo erapyr stop to ecapl adn rfo 'royeu rtnddeasnu to tvcmouemiin odg mro,e gonig uyo nvee nda ingog tthsa' 'notw plhe yuo oitatansrvrmfe oyu og rlfosyeu acn to. Ihtgns ot enev fo rallyec dmcneio vtsnei oitn eht mite odg ru'oey omre erom adn untyidgs rwdo satdnnduer see nda dna iogng regdian.
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On tahw w,no wo;n gnogi 'atths oniqu:est ehr'se ym nwe.
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Dog your rwodek and rae in ouy onw lfaysim' rou sah and wen wtha ?ifle elsracim lefi hewre.

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