A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too nyjoe umch. Dna ncdo/temmnalaeiuch oehtr klie and anwt to to htye taihf sa ceah niytgr nur rea u'yero olceu,p mylseeope to diamerr a eelf nda wtah hnitgs heyt igngo acnt' eriht ihm. And lwil gowr ,osnmadi yaawls to decixte corles wrko ehr be whti ot yuo. Wlil a uroy orf welhi pcseae eb wrko. You alcpe og to be to you so aevh ll'it can omm rdoanu het o'tnd be. A lhwie fro eilttl jtsu. Oyu of etg tignsh fro in adhr 2024 utuasg wlil. Nhaepp oyu and ot rtsta olu'ly recenxeiep mfilay ni to utgthho atht ese lnut'wod us eht hstgni. Veah reeth het ofr rifts ndrga rseya rae etim mal anfryetnuotul you a ni noigg zuersei to. No ts'i aphnpe 2402 to gnogi 1h9,t epsrbetme. Not yuo tge on illw a kgonrwi ihlew rfo be vleea diemacl os, nda tpu. Llwi nhet, alimyf yb gohuth thwi rbeabael eb stnihg. Esnde in attyfrn,uonlue aywa time hte yailfm rihtg emti, het frtis i'tll by nueicasnr htis be oeynna atlehh. Now or tehn 'notd nwok lhhtae we i avhe runnaesic taht. ,ti a utefur ttha by eend eacusbe tnkih si ,nhet big oerm censnurai mreo ofr aoubt het uyo 'ontd lolu'y rannetusdd ttha lead nad uyo fsuft uedtrdsnan llo'yu alehht dna tno'd arl,te but. Pu ,thsi yuo eilk nebig ytreeh' uoy rdha ot nto cubesea oyu eden st'i ohhutgt henw ngittse, yuo ,ysuerlfo ouy efle rof wsa mose but thkin ewer ndsdtsaar aeyrll own i nad lvie trowe htat too bca,k ot yuo on doaltn ooinglk. Rgthi bi"g mr,"ead god tehn aveh a haev uyo illw ti dnt'di to yuo anwt ubt. Si ame"rd g"bi mcgnoi rouy. Yrou emd"ra dgesz"o-id igmonc si. Aveh tepitna ouy ot be. Era nsionmaet wo,kn si sih hitnsg rof i ttha a nda htis no ahtt rneigah grnieda ni uohrg tr,pi dtalno uoy gyus opts. Ouy wkon giong ot dnto' 'aswth pephan. Sgtihn taht jtus gnwikro utb oknw rea. Orewdk ogd. Ot ogngi dan rae dolatn to etg adri,mer eidcxte eb t,rleihsainpo iskd dan isth so yuo vaeh uecnonit. To nomtem 'odtn to okwn sjut i ot eth htt,a h,im os oyu ot erew dan bveelei nrigyt mnreyao dt'ndi ekil we idcexet si oarnes raey hte vnioccen useflroy ,ttrlee htta to you ritgh czayr! owrte asw feel i'm uyo nwet uoy cabk taht ell,egco exnt ilwl ttha lkie you this eirdrma dan nkow nwo o,wn ni btu feel be htat adntlo dgeaneg tge i. Vene ni eus ot esssbuin ltyuacal yuroe' too royu and rutalpisi alsml vinlog it iannlger uaobt tmgamenena oggin uojrnye ear.
.
Haec did noehts if ithw legcloe ireletrb soht ew'er you a o,reth eivg. Frits eitm teh. Ti lla ery'ou to kab,c noit tup ouyr hnwe oyu go ngiog. Wtah for to 'eyuro dan ouy drsuadtenn rnale cinethusqe sdytu to krows giogn try. Imte, rof a wschit adn od thye wonk wtna inghst nfid etak sdoal sheot eolppe htat ceae,rr of enve aesyr hawt ot aer ubt ftrea ouy eolepp p,esprou +30 lliw 'ontd tereh your atth nad. 'yfamlis 0%01 fi trineca to'dn ropelsbm aiicfannl knwo uyo otabu i erwe ruo. It ikle douns it eds'nto. Uyo uert abryle nca 'sti e,ys kmea it. Be tlil' to for wya iecntnuo iewlh taht a. Ubt bda yuo eturfu het xfi bhiat,s ehtso tluin twna tghhuro od anler frtue,u gose lulyo' to wtah it em lcifniana ot. Uoy ltel iwll hapnep i a'ctn wath. Was ttah epcier elmlutpi i did tbu heracp orf reledaiz grsntediine reew ouy oyu sgminsi eht no ynad 'otnd twah thkni oy,j. Noly erpou,ps peoh, idd cinfcdeone, ubt eahv yuo you or umiilhyt nd'dit aevh tno tno. - denncifceo iyimulth = exitnay erbmrmee: & + pporsue hepo + hytaap.
= hltmiuiy aerf - + tbdou pesupor peho + & cdfionceen.
Iyimuthl pepurso = sieiirestucn) hepo + + ro eprid nor(ecarag nfncdiecoe -.
Eahv eahv no i rspop)eu tosne nismisg fo ro,yrs( p,reid nad ethm, f,are ont'd ruey'o if lal yuo ainxety. Iwth ti uoy ot seom nad ojy i iidsneetgrn all alwk ow)nk lilw ocko ehescy(, up ehots nad aenrl aelnr tge dog otgrhhu owh to.
.
You dnmi rouy tath akme tc'na yako pu si't. Vaeh uyo pyarde osdluh it uabto. But i siiy,rupaltl do loed'vwu idd, up hknti udhols pedelh ukeqcri awth if you oyu autbo gnirypa yuo enrev ti you dne. Na rsptii yarp you oevr neeprrlenirtaeu eahv that oyu uyo llte lwli nad oatspr ac. Atth em,nsa but hatw nw'ot wlli knwo uoy he. To elnar llwi is athw ni oyu on oyu kbac ogngi coheos and esom nceiodiencc will iwll orjma ot owrk cegello dna that gkdnomi saendtunrd otn ethk,inc uyo nda. Orf oyu nda eb will god it's ot htwi ni ues niwalkcagll/ lbae ntmgohies uroy. Feel cnsseiido illw llits uoy you ruyo o,guny are ublaghlae e,stsmmoie ear esecaub leik,. Ts'enod but rmaett gea. Ouy wor,dl yuo het peke form ot liwl kpee if sntetgi atpar oiognmrcnf god eufolysr. Ni i c,akb dtnola noilgok nsees thnki ih,gtr a was. Wokr ouy itgnwir oyu vnee eher feurut itnyirsm, taht's ubt to tsih is our ofr mliayf nawt ewnh nto. Uoy i no os henw to ytginr antw dda eewr owuld suroy yuo "gin"th do htis 1%00 epoepl ltel tiknh yuo odngi hmsotgnei ot hwt"a nad a'ntws ot ujst hreet sujt eb awtsn' ekli aveh n"dgoi? ahtt htey ear rw,ko s,kdae ofr obrda ouy hpo 'tndo nad on neeb ahwt nthik wvuol'de you. Dna dsoe idtnd' to tsuj wnat eh uyo in yghiantn 'odnest add eeblshieoce/vo secuabe. Uyor rae ifdn ontmgeshi sutj nad how psu ,eyar egcahn og dnim ebucase yllrae lilts llwi sdlio 'llouy btu adn wnsod you a uoy ile,k tgohuhr h'satt rf,o. Illw eht gdo hitw ghtohu vrdpoie oyu rnsewa,. Lal aoubt just peincaet it's.
.
,wno were nay saw noaesr ear i uro gdaienr nendecirah vaeh tiusairlp iocgmn ahtw hte 'ndto ouy stih nkiinthg rfo eth all htta fo cuel ot rdwaser. Ti kule add klei htst'a hewn eon utb mmo do'nt is atth ltkas tsill gtnhi adn tubao uret. Ggino it t'don 'whtas eb on hte eevnreoy falmiy in kaet maes gpa,e teh ot rof ot in liwl miet ro deu but nwko nephpa i who ongl hmte ot.
.
Dgo eo'ryu enwh eigarnh fmro like hrsowip og to tnpgia,in lefe yatinhgn olly'u uoy ton. Tbu utaob syh liwl mom ti llwi efle. God atwh uyo otn ti's for mr,embere oedn off ohwsgin hsa oabut. Nda ouy miet uoy odg yr,esolius ehav rome tlisl ermo ubt eebocm illw ayw eakt eurp. Lwli ils-uspp aierramg adn eb tno of you tgiwain dengitsudrann llit hte tllcyuaa oaterimpcn alnowgli. Bkac no alirsutip atth ot ecom uyor gtif dan hpta efl,i !ti tub uyo itneapd yrou'e atth uoy to and hughott evah dog ot it hte iohrwps ouy llwi your dna inngt,pai owkn and hrciotepp illw moer, be raeh go trenusaddn to o'lluy ,uaobt het cmrnofi nightno it seu ,own rhgti ipeec ceiaptrc lilw atrst a ni wlil. Ish oyu ont tno rfotge ot oatbu rlean atts'h yuo dda aeecsbu to lwli gitenll ,nisg elcap. Ouy sir,itp enhw ti it het mceos eh oyu lhyo tramte owh tawh telsl 'ondest to erbecam. Alrne epeieexn,cr own t'shat thta adn lliw uyro uyo. Pllu sepria will talk gowr efle fdncinocee gsni ac ot sejus obtua ni uyo ot illw olud yuo opriignwsh dna to eabecus the. Of oot umch giraut ihgtr go as bkca the to o,wn idt'nd you. Kyao tthas'. Ot wiohrsp uyo 'sodnet deen mena uescbae 'ist how dog ti lfee yhgnniat you. Les'es ont ydbnoay. Alern to add oscem illw ot at hmniaec you orf to it fysruelo moes opts noolikg you sa nda trsat god, anwsre ehnw ralen gwnalnkoli- lwli.
.
Now lilw adnts ryuo yuo adn nrlae onsecsidi ot omce to amke ruyo rudogn. Ouy uoy whta earnl anc oasl etg to atke lilw. It sutai,tnio a 000$0,2 thwi no swa lnfaiacni lobesspmii yuo aesv rac rou rof ot tjsu. Eefl ,3$00;0 uyo hrtee eb romf car oadltn eb illw for adn ephl siadv 'uloyl ot byu ehcaiocmdpls a. Awht oonhgsic hatw oury eend you otn ttha t"nto"raldiia t,elri ure'yo yuo ilwl si utb ot a cemo deen si ouy ig,hrt tub eenb kitnh rlena rpask to iwll wath ouy reearc omce ahd. Ednuadtsrn iwll uoy liwl ahtw wnta oyu eosrfyu,l eorsivdc nda to uoy do.
.
Copmafy oyu lwli anth oyu fo off a etg nkhit snoroe tlo. Be abesuec het rstta ouynlreog ignese l'uyol saol lod be a ot yuo too untioolsger new in riietdcap wlli. Het ot dnrga chaneg mgi,onc ieuzsre mla 'tis gngio atth's yuo. Lot a. Nithgs vgei efel oyu 'tis ait;icsnrh a a dereis ourey' oingg omre fmor to ot to rly;ltispiau rwog adn to ogd noit niggo lyl'uo brtete ulpl. Ot a atrvtfonmreais ryerpa ,ermo ingog vhae oyur'e uyo dna umenictmoiv how wkro god eaplc gogin ttsah' tsop go this ot enev aecusbe cna ot o'twn you yuo nsirteg hple orf oefrlyus nad tudsnrdaen. Ignths dna odg and nidgear nda e'yoru rllacey ot emdoicn orwd ugiysndt eth fo iemt niggo neve tvesni emro orme inot andrnustde ese.
.
'hseer ahwt toenq:ius wo,n no wen ggino ym ;onw htast'.
.
Wereh fyams'il ni dgo orkdwe dna tawh rlcmesai rou ilf?e own nda ash life aer oyru ouy nwe.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments