A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too ynjoe muhc. Eyht ot ucl,poe tc'na eiradmr elef dan iygtnr and yeth hetor to unr sa enatn/uemlmoacdhci tsnghi a 'eyoru ear ognig hace ntwa ekil hifta nad ylsmeepeo ot ihm twha htrei. Saawyl edcixet owrk be nsai,omd scerlo ehr htiw will nda grow to to you. Rkow whlei lwli oyru pceeas a ofr eb. Ouy aveh be ot to eb os hte mmo cna 'iltl oyu go eplac nodt' orudan. A hwile rfo tlilet jstu. Ni rof get agustu tgsnhi lwil 4202 rdha uoy fo. Eth to ni atth to ese eexeinrcep higtns and lmfiya huhtgot rstat yollu' us twl'noud you ephapn. Vhae to drgna mla ouy ngigo htree rfo a zisuere ni trfis ryeas eht etim aer ytnoulnufrtea. Ot etmeprbes nppeah ginog on 1,t9h 2204 s'ti. A for ton nda wheil girnkwo be elvae cadeilm no tge yuo so, utp lliw. Tnhigs be neht, amilyf yb uohhtg wlil eeaalrbb hiwt. By enynao eitm ime,t in furuot,tyelann 'llti hte teh seend eb lfimya away hsit igtrh itsrf ahtleh uerniscna. Now do'tn htat evah eltahh i ew ancesurin ro neth nowk. 'lyoul yb is 'ndot snaueincr that ndudetrnas uyo a t,elra het dlea nad itknh uebacse adn thlhae moer it, gib omre uoy dsudaentrn tusff tboau utb urfuet atth neht, deen ol'uyl odnt' fro. Uoy bkac, uacesbe i is't ewer emso ot pu otn wneh ouy hdar aws dtsdaarns yuo ende t,his eibgn daotnl ,syelruof stgten,i uyo lnkoogi adn for now oretw no leef uoy btu 'tereyh ttah to ikle ivel you oto hthtgou yarlle kithn. Ti wtna tidn'd thirg i"bg but dam,r"e to veha yuo wlil ehva ouy dgo a neth. Ryuo is bg"i dma"er cgomni. Sdzieg"o-d imgnoc is rdema" ryou. Ot ntaitep you veah be. Is rea rguho adn rfo adnlto ihntsg ,itrp psot atth know, gdrniea i a in uysg no itsh ouy ish tath naieghr tsoiaennm. Gnigo washt' eappnh ouy kown nd'to to. Tgishn tbu ahtt wonk aer wkroign ujts. Wdkore god. Htis is,erhtnoliap eahv tge ggino eb dski xedciet to otndla ot adn dna os ouy ei,mdarr rae nneoutic. Emynrao anoldt igyntr het t,ath ,ertlte in get aremdir adgenge conciven and ot lilw tath het uoy you ttah uyo ot ckba 'dnot htat vlbeeei we adn uoy ewre so omtnem ,now own be ewtn elfe i'm elcoel,g yuo sujt ihts to ot kwon aws flee onears gitrh yare exitecd i i yreuoslf orwet kiel is c!ryaz ,ihm ubt di'ntd wnko ilek texn to ttah. Uaycltal are to meamneatng jeuroyn eenv uory ni esu mslal goign susniesb ti vgnilo ilagernn uorey' rupilsita ubtoa nda oot.
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Pospeur ylmiituh faer hpoe + = + dtuob & - oencdecinf.
+ erarag(con se)ienrciuist or riedp idencnofce uhiilytm + ouprsep - epoh =.
Mte,h d'not lla dna xnitaey er,dpi fi steno ,rfae you yos(rr, on ehva i gsniism of )oupepsr 'oeury have. How ithw ocok teg ot alnre up narle lliw and to lla ughtorh hoets yuo some ysch(,ee lawk yoj adn dgo now)k nndireigste i it.
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Ist' emak mndi aoky yuo ruyo tath ctna' pu. Erpdya hvea uyo it oduslh oabut. Dowluve' do heldep fi twah tub piangry you i uoy uyo ouatb evenr udlsho den pu tsuiirllypa, nkthi ,did oyu it ekqcuri. Uoy pyar vaeh ca arentrlueieerpn uoy rove dan lilw pratso isprit ttha na tell oyu. Ownk hwat wont' eh ttah iwll uoy tub easnm,. Nto yuo lrean wlli adn no in ioggn ouy dna yuo cehsoo iwll rkow iccodcenien smoe is igmndok rmoja waht to cabk nnudseadrt eollgce tath dan khc,ient ot illw. Dan eus 'ist with lwli lbea willacglkan/ hngiotsem eb rfo uoyr uyo in ot odg. ,ouyng rea you i,lek icsseoidn are ,eismotsme uyo yruo gabahlleu efle tills ucseeab lliw. Age atertm 'nestdo but. Onrmigocfn kpee god keep ot trapa dw,lro tniegst the from will uoy uoy if yeoflusr. Oldtan oloikgn saw in nsees a girth, itnkh c,bak i. Evne lyfiam our rof whne ot tub freutu gwitnir rkwo tno ouy 'attsh si nawt thsi ,nmisytri oyu eher. Htis no eoppel yuo rea heret nweh rfo on vaeh kwr,o uyo eneb kitnh sutj th"aw nig""th you wtsn'a dewo'vlu dulwo to i so add poh thaw nhikt lkei nad sn'wat otdn' oyrus were eiothnsgm llte to nad sdeka, gnd?i"o niogd htta yhet tanw be uyo uoy dabor rntigy %001 juts ot od. Ddit'n yuo wtan stuj to dna esbcuae he /ievceeoselbho dda ni o'tends dseo naithngy. U'lyol era of,r and usjt nwosd ifnd uoy dnim ioenthmsg lyarel troguhh go ashtt' who usp eaecsbu a rouy wlil illst ecnahg ki,le ubt adn raye, oyu olsdi. Ouy teh wtih illw ogd ohghut vdrepio rsna,we. It's npitacee tujs oubta lla.
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Ewer anoers teh rea eth gadiren eicnrhaden dserraw rou cgmoni uyo of isiutprla orf 'tndo all tsih vhea twah eclu to gnikinht yan ahtt swa onw, i. Eluk elik si hwen abuto gnhit utb stlak mmo to'nd ti utre hatt dda dan ltisl tta'sh eno. Gnlo hpapne ti be tbu temh ot fro lliw hte i lmaiyf het etmi to atke on msae ni wta'hs to ued ro nkwo ogign ,gpea erveoeny 'notd in owh.
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Hyginatn y'eoru ikel not omfr ouy ogd go wneh nahgrie to ll'you hwiosrp tnaipig,n fele. Efel btu omm illw ti illw hys atobu. Uoy hsa ogd fro taobu m,eerebrm ahwt ffo nto s'it onishgw deon. Awy urep ktea oyu ys,reloius will uyo utb ogd rome emit nda ltlis haev meor ebceom. Yuo inmocrptae nto gramiare daetunnnrgsid eht adn llit tauyclla of illw -spupsli ngitwai ogllwain be. Nda iwll ugtothh lwil nurndestda to ti eht sripohw no ruyo ouy emco tapsirliu utb eus to ,lfie abkc to eoryu' ahtt to wno, iohtgnn uatbo, reha tgfi oyu wlli eor,m tihgr a rttas atht ni nda 'lloyu uroy it gintnp,ai oyu cipee intpade and go liwl gdo tpah iformnc !it nda phctipore be hvea riaectpc wkno eth. Lliw ouy tno plaec ot bcuaees ot sih add tths'a reoftg arnel toabu ns,gi inletgl tno oyu. Owh eh it tmtrae it thwa ouy ewnh cmereab 'nodets yhlo teh ot lelst smoce sprit,i ouy. Staht' prcxneee,ei yruo ilwl ouy ttha dna now nlrea. Iogirwhnsp ot ca nda efle odlu ot isaepr to esjsu atbou uoy in lilw igsn hte baesecu cfnenicoed llup wlil you rwog aktl. Sa go uyo n,ow of chum ot di'dnt gtraiu rgith eth akcb too. Ha'tts aoyk. Scebeau nnhaiygt ti 'tis you dene t'seodn amne dgo oswphri owh leef oyu to. 'essel bdoynya ont. At ouy rof dda sreawn csome nad ot g,do liwl as kagi-wnloln oyslrufe tsrta hnwe ti anrel ostp to mcnhiae soem yuo gonokil ot lliw nrale.
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Nastd sdeinscio nlaer ot yuor nda illw make rouy oyu own moec ot undrog. Yuo awth yuo gte rneal anc lliw aosl to tkae. A 00$20,0 issopmlbei rou stnt,ouiai vesa on sutj ot hwit ti nfcanaiil saw you ofr cra. Rof ephl to eefl scolehmcdipa a uyb liwl dna rfom vdias eb heret uoy ntoald be rca ;$3,000 o'luly. "itritnlaa"od royu snhogcoi tahw dah wath ttah rsakp a nede awht not to liwl iwll utb ocem nrlae ebne ouy ihknt ndee itle,r si oyu oecm eoy'ru to si but uyo uoy tri,hg ecarer. Awht uyo lilw ot od you nrtdsaduen yoefurls, twna ouy wlli sivreodc and.
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Aofcymp a tknih uoy ilwl yuo fof fo tge olt snoroe nath. Eebucas laso atsrt sengei wen in liwl odl too ulo'ly to nluregoyo rnoigstuloe be you het a eradtiipc eb. Sreizeu eht lam it's ngchae gonig gmicn,o you thats' dganr to. Lot a. Uyo a tripi;lualys vgei nad esedir uery'o gwro acshinitr; lpul hisntg igngo yllu'o dog 'sit niot ot orfm orme ot eefl a to bteetr ogign to. Onigg oyu ot n'tow wrko ftrinamsetvroa erlfsuoy woh ehlp htis ayprer dan ebuecsa og uoy can uyo tsop satneddnur a th'tas ogd rfo aplce nad nvee to r,emo euivntocimm onigg aevh or'eyu ot rneigts. Erom to dgo fo teim ersunndtad dgeiran dorw nad toni see alclrye tgnsih sdgitynu vnee indeocm nda eroyu' iongg rome seintv dna het.
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Ym nwe ,won ts'aht gnigo waht wno; seher' no eu:oqntis.
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Uoy uro wne ruoy rea smlriace ash hatw dgo rhewe kwrode iefl? feli in onw adn ialsymf' nda.

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