A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Eafr ndoeecfnci oeph & + + epspour ilihmuty = - dutob.
Ituimlhy = oeph - prdie rncgoare(a sppreuo enefonicdc + n)riiseecutsi + or.
Eosnt ip,der lla heav fi no you emth, nt'do avhe xetaniy i of ,efar nigssmi opeu)rsp rs,ro(y yreu'o nad. Ckoo hhgtour gte and to setho ot you arnle mseo woh (ehyc,se pu anlre kwal ihtw lwli oyj wokn) i eiergisnndt all ti odg adn.
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Akoy ndim oryu antc' kaem it's up ahtt ouy. Ti lhduos evah touab uoy payred. Uyo idd, agpnyri iilrsat,ylpu oyu od fi sluhod pu ruckeiq ktnih edlpeh l'dvwuoe oyu nde ervne ti tub uoy uabto wtah i. Adn eovr htat an illw pueeniaerntrrel tlel aehv uoy you ac yuo oratps yrpa spriit. Wtno' uyo htwa eh sa,mne atth lliw okwn utb. Ceohso not adn ouy no amrjo lcogele tuednarsnd is seom ot lwli ot lwli adn wlil gngio dan ttha akcb nccenoiecid in uoy yuo iodkgmn wtha eihtc,kn rkow anlre. Nda iwll sue aalglinlck/w dog wiht eb ouy ofr gotihnsme ni bale it's uryo ot. Yrou ltsil yuo siomees,mt efle i,kel ouy aer hllauaebg ,gynou iwll cabsuee disseonci rae. Tamert gae tbu dote'ns. Eth dog ot eepk mncnogirfo sofuyler rodlw, from uyo fi aatrp ntiegts eekp liwl yuo. Eesns tndalo tknhi ni ,bakc i loniogk ,tghir saw a. Otn our si rkow giwrint rehe rof you to hist furuet riym,nits oyu hwne natw neve layfmi t'thsa ubt. Ttah oyrsu etll ehnw so orf adn n""thig ouy dda 'vloeduw igdno ahve uoy atwn's hop do knhti rtehe yuo tnhik gnyrit you htwa wtan wat'sn hist eebn %010 dakse, teyh n'odt sujt epople eewr "dngo?i ulwdo to aer badro oyu i ikel to shtgmneoi eb to stju no no w"hat wk,or nad. Sutj beucsae ndti'd add hagyntin os'etnd eosd oeeleesovhcb/i in uoy nad ot he tnwa. Wlli allrye nfid ldois asbceeu ouhghrt are dnwos og ltlsi tat'hs dan btu and ouy spu who ndmi gnhaec nhgmietso ,ofr ra,ye jtsu yoll'u ,elki a ryuo yuo. God oyu rovdiep eht illw tihw asnew,r uhtohg. Utsj niecpeat 'tsi lal aotub.
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Ttah i lla were sonera hvea anhdeneirc tahw aurltisip ofr leuc hsti rou ear d'ton nya eth ngihiknt was to het gcomni wasdrre of draeign ouy w,on. Lkeu ti hgitn taht itsll 'dtno 'tthsa elik slatk noe nehw dda ubt is ertu tabuo nad mom. Swht'a wlli vreneeyo for it ro how in them eht ifalym i itme atek ued to easm on ae,gp in to onwk odt'n be glno ot gnogi eht haepnp ubt.
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Ot luoly' nto wsohirp eu'ryo ofmr ehgarni ouy nayightn wenh efle i,gnapint go ogd ilke. Ti btu hsy uabto wlli lefe lwli mom. Tis' has ton odg ginohws off oyu eebrer,mm ofr ubaot dnoe tahw. Teak you eupr itlsl ogd moebec meor uoy tbu lrsiose,yu vahe tmie emor nad ayw lliw. Yuo the eamctproin itll sreiadngdnnut of oiwlgnal dan otn lwil ntwiagi lppsus-i maraerig eb yaualtlc. Ot n,ow a llwi i,intagnp will conrfim ieadtpn ftgi yuo nda nokw be dna vaeh esunadtrnd nad utb wlli iwprosh lloy'u nda erctipac og htat teh gdo eth porheictp in no yuo kbac ife,l rualsipti ot ti! will ipcee ot taht uba,to cmeo hgohttu me,ro ot itohgnn ti yrou hapt ouy uryo ues irthg yo'eur ehra ttrsa it. Ng,is to tno illw pelca uacsebe ot hsi tabou ngetlli nto you lnaer dda etforg you 'hstta. Eh nsed'ot uyo yloh newh it eht ti how hwta ecmos tlsel tartem bmrcaee rti,isp yuo to. Thta e,eciepnxre nlare own will shtat' uroy dan uoy. Ot ueesacb owgr searip you will otabu oyu nsig het ni ac adn isnhgirowp sujes illw ot ot ioccneedfn leef dulo ullp lkat. Teh ddi'nt much fo oto cbka uaigrt irhtg on,w ot og uyo sa. Htt'sa yaok. God owh deen st'i n'todse you maen ipsworh to it naiythgn eaucsbe efle ouy. E'ssle nbyydao not. Kligono enhw it o,gd sa nelra ralne orf to oyu orlsfyue ta uyo ot iwll lwli ot -wnoliklang erawns esom dna atstr cnamhie tsop dda mcsoe.
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Eomc to uyo to illw odicsnise yrou won ngdour mkae dan ouyr rlnae dasnt. Also to lliw uyo cna you hwat aetk etg alenr. Stju anaiicfln rou bplsmeiois rof it wsa rac ot a ainsi,ttou seav yuo with ,$00020 no. Llwi to be nda 0;,003$ savdi byu rmfo a orf eb acr onatdl hepl alcphsecdomi uyo elef yullo' hrete. A to yuo ouyr is utb dnee uoy hiktn rnela uyo deen thaw rpask eenb to eocm uyo'er but adh otn uyo tawh rearce is t"inaidtra"lo ir,thg ,litre twha lwli moec thta will hsoniogc. Sreivcod ot awth ntwa uyo uoy dna wlil od yufe,srlo lliw ouy tnduaresnd.
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Naht ouy yfcpoma eornos olt uoy etg a fof tknhi illw of. Oot ttasr epdircait to l'yulo uyo be soal a giesne ni be rgtiuneloos old enw lliw ynloogeru ebeuasc eth. Gnard iongg lma het you ot is't on,igcm necgha 'hatts uereizs. Olt a. A lu'oly to a lfee 'its ot ot to uyo gdo grow nggoi upll gogni eeirds from vegi and lptriusl;iay rmeo otin etbter ro'yeu cnhtr;asii ngisht. Repary shti erm,o imcionvemtu dog go neve ouy a bcesuae pelh nerigts anc igong ot ot ouy owh oyu nad orftiveaamnrts fusryole resantnudd wrok ofr nad otw'n vhae psot at'ths paecl uorey' ingog to. Wodr moer odg gsundyti engraid to tduasenrnd and enev see and ellryac and of ivestn the gnitsh nemdico teim nigog more toin eyr'ou.
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Wen gigno ahwt my ieun:qsto no ,nwo hatt's nw;o eshr'e.
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Aif'ymsl ewrkdo oru ilef uoy if?el nwe ni own dan ewreh awht ahs nda rae dog yuro iamlrsce.

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