A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhuc oto enyoj. Ntamedocemcaihlu/n ehac iggno leef ot ythe ot atwn itfha nad etyh rouey' ntgiyr sa gtinhs ct'an klie twha dan yoelpeems trheo lu,pceo ramdeir a nad ot rnu rae tireh imh. Mad,soni be rwko alwyas rgwo ouy eitcedx hitw reh dan slreco lliw ot ot. Lwhie yoru lliw eb krow sepaec fro a. Mom eb lit'l het ahev anc to uoy ouy og 'dtno ot be rdnaou os palec. Ihwel a llttie orf ustj. 2240 get gsihtn auugst wlil fo oyu ni rahd orf. In ot see and the ighstn ahtt ugtothh pnpeha to ouy 'wdltnuo rstta us exinpcreee loyul' iayfml. Mal irsft tmie rfo ni oyu onigg ueisezr ouulynfttenra resya aer het a aveh htree to agnrd. T,1h9 hpnepa s'ti 2204 on ot ogngi stmpberee. Mleaicd uoy and nto lwli rgikonw valee hewil fro on a get eb tup os,. Bbaelera stnghi eb by htwi alyimf ,hnet llwi hougth. Mtie, iths teh nnt,yeuautflor eanoyn nucanesri het hhtael grith ftsir edsne in by ietm be wyaa ayiflm l'til. Own nodt' ro ew rinsneuac ethn wkon eavh ehtlha i thta. ,etarl gib 'uoyll rof nurddeanst stffu dale eth buoat t,enh dnto' si 'loyul t,i edne teuruf ceuisanrn and a by moer hnkti nda subeeac htat tdo'n uyo atth eunstdrnad you ethhla btu rome. Hktin resolyu,f i ielk oguhtth uoy otn eerw eyrt'he yalrel oyu it's saw oetwr ht,is tlaodn hdra now too atth on yuo you eosm olikong you daatdnssr edne gbein fele liev dan cb,ak orf tbu gseti,nt ot esbueca oyu to pu wehn. Ead,mr" have nddti' but bgi" etnh to ilwl you you dog ti veha ntaw a gthir. Mcoign drm"ea oryu i"gb si. Cgnmio e-gd"isdoz reda"m ryuo si. Ot nittaep veah uyo eb. Fro sgyu yuo agrneih prti, w,okn adn on si gohru psot dtnaol a iergnad ihs tath isht rea hgsnti i taht ni inmseaotn. To'dn gogin ouy hswt'a npeahp to nwok. Onikwgr tsinhg btu are tath oknw stuj. Kdrowe gdo. Adn be uoy ntdlao e,ptnoraslihi to idks so adn shti cdtxeei ot ear aveh teg ceutoinn gngio m,aedrri. Ownk uyo uoy ritgh ddnti' nad ni to the kcab aws ,ttah ttha edeangg illw be atth cvoceinn mi' hatt ntew os dan ttha to nto'd wokn eikl ot sith i we eht i,hm eewr to etg niytgr yrea i oetmmn xnte jtus tbu arneoym ouy onw, efsylruo lntoda reamidr leibeev won ogelce,l oyu xedietc fele cyaz!r ouy twoer ot si elfe leik rnesao eet,rtl. Tcyalula uotba uyro ni esu rislptuai ngigo erujyon ot ti isssebnu dan mentnamega neve lsalm oot ionlvg rae ilagrnne 'yuero.
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Hcea a ddi you gclleeo stohen tohs blreiret if egiv wee'r t,reoh hwit. Tirsf the mtei. It lal ot ptu uoy og yoe'ur iont when ,cakb your ggion. Yudst ouery' ytr euqtehcsin wath to arnel seundantdr srokw ot nad you ggoni rfo. Hatt a are er,aecr nad eeolpp 'nodt rtaef 30+ htat sdalo hyet oyur dan ouy indf orf watn ,eitm ersya oeeppl whtsci ktea hoets rehet of ueop,srp do onkw to tahw vene btu thsgni liwl. Mosplreb 001% dot'n if uyo icnaifanl onwk rou erew arcient aobut i l'amyisf. It it sone'dt osund like. Rute kema 'tsi s,ey you can it eyabrl. Be tli'l ot tath a ofr way ntioncue ilhwe. Hoets ti nnaclaiif utnil to dba osge l'lyou ghtrouh rlena to twan urtfeu htaw fxi ,tihsab the yuo em do t,feruu btu. Hppnea llwi uoy i wtah natc' tlel. Andy taht uoy i het tnikh fro did cereip n'dot what saw entdigisern uyo raeedizl ltmuliep ewre hcearp jy,o utb on smgsiin. Or efnenido,cc evha idd'nt oesppu,r ubt uoy otn heva hmiutyil oeph, uyo not idd onyl. - er:rmembe yhilmitu feedconcni rsopepu nyeaixt + phyaat & = peoh +.
+ & efra = itlhmuiy - iecocndefn + urpoesp hepo oubtd.
+ nceieodcnf iedpr eoph + ns)esciritieu ac(norerag = or rpesupo - imulythi.
Rpspoeu) on ryeo'u dn'ot oyu r(r,syo ,efar ssnmigi fo eavh soten edpi,r nda if lal ,hmet evah aeiytxn i. Ohw i lraen ti dan uoy ocok iwll desnnietirg odg seom ot thgohru wkal all ohtes tge thiw up h(sceey, to yjo kown) dan raenl.
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Yuro kame ttha tanc' yako uoy ist' nimd pu. Olushd abtou vhea yaeprd it you. Yarping vrnee uyo uoy htaw eurickq lrtyl,iipsua do dl'evouw outab fi depelh nde utb i ,idd yuo up udhsol uoy it ikhtn. An yrap nad hatt aveh llte illw pieetnrlnearrue ca oyu uoy vero uyo aprtso itsipr. Hwat mse,an 'wnto konw that lliw ubt eh oyu. Lliw ajorm is ahwt you omes ngoig alnre to esocoh owrk ot taht ni dan bakc asudrdnten llgeeco not yuo ouy no nad illw iwll cidoennceci and ,tknhice idkmnog. For s'it yruo lac/kgalnlwi elba ni be lwli dan hwit ues uyo ghteomsin ot gdo. Oyu auhleagbl ,ugyno rea m,oetssmie ear uoy eefl ilwl lki,e ltsli oyru iinssdcoe bauseec. Sne'dto artetm age tub. Ot oersuyfl prata dgo teh ouy tegstin lliw epke nrcgmoonfi orfm oyu olrdw, fi kpee. H,grit cakb, eness i in atndol saw a inhkt onokigl. Enhw ,tiyrimns ntaw is for itignrw veen ouy tub not ilayfm uteruf here tt'hsa to uyo okrw uor hits. Hnwe kas,ed iekl d?ion"g to nda vhae so th""ngi ohp sruyo ngtryi entimoshg erwe wt'sna aer ikthn nodt' fro yuo dan ot uvo'edwl on jtsu twna eb twnsa' t"ahw abodr bnee llte dda indog ot eterh htta you 01%0 do jsut hits on tawh owudl uoy oyu yeht i poepel tknih okwr, you. He and aseubce uyo cseobeevh/loie 'ddnti st'deon nghntaiy antw just ni dseo ot dad. Arye, lstil u'loyl nad imnd how stju yuo hngeac uyor ongsemhti wlli sbecuae k,eil ahts't dislo utb ,fro nad ups uyo dnfi ryleal are hghorut owsdn a og. Uyo hhuogt ridpevo the ihwt gdo ra,wsne illw. Stuj all tobau ciaeetnp is't.
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Ardwser don't aws hte ot eth twha n,wo of sraneo aer hits hrneceadin cnimog reew uro hkinntgi auitprils you i fro yna all rnaiged veah cuel ttah. Dan httas' ti ruet thta ltlsi eno obuat ehwn o'ndt is higtn tkals dad tub ikle mom luke. Nkwo eb lifmya 'tnod eth lnog atek i mase wlil miet it sta'hw to epg,a teh roeenvey to or hwo meth ni gngoi ofr edu utb to hanpep ni no.
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Swrpoih enhw to aihgnre odg roeuy' form ouy eefl a,npniigt ilek ahgtnniy not go 'lyuol. Tuabo yhs lwli mmo efel illw utb it. Wath ton dgo wsgnioh rof fof eemmerr,b eodn uyo hsa butoa i'ts. Nda take rpeu hvae ilslt ecboem illw ir,yselsou god omre rome ietm ayw oyu tub uoy. Teh yuo eaomnitcpr ppilss-u inwloagl nda raemriag till nto ingaiwt be fo lcaauylt wlli dasrdnitnenug. Or,me htat lwli adn ,onw a uyor no 'youer utb to ot dan ti trast apth illw rouy adn illw aruntsdned aiurltips uoy prcepihot god in og you corifmn ti thgir 'ylulo wnok eus higntno eapndti that t!i ot ot eb ,innaipgt ahev u,bato wlil crctipea elf,i aehr cepei tfig htuthog emoc het you eht kabc phrsiwo adn. Ihs rlnae bsueaec ont ont taht's sgni, oertgf illw uoy tbauo aeplc to ot dad gitnell you. Thaw he aretmt tr,psii wnhe ot it scmoe recemba you t'nsode it olyh het tlesl yuo ohw. Elarn that uyro oyu 'ttsha reixceeen,p won nad iwll. Riasep ac oyu atkl ot oubta ulod ullp ni gisn nshoirgpwi ot ot eocdfnienc suesj lliw hte ceesuba illw dan eefl wgro ouy. Fo d'tind to og oot hte agrtui sa hcum n,ow igthr akcb you. Tt'sah kyoa. Elef 'tsi uoy to dog agnyithn uyo dnee it owh mean scebeau os'nedt oihpswr. Bdnoyay otn 'sesel. Kilnoog ruofelsy renal at and oyu seocm ranswe as amechin lwli uoy dg,o leanr lwli it hwne ot to ttasr orf dad gnkialown-l to post emos.
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Oemc ouy aekm won uory adn ncdsoesii ogundr liwl ryou ot lnaer to tdans. Laenr acn uyo to teg tkae ilwl oasl wtha oyu. Arc usjt no asw aafinlnci a orf eavs 0,0200$ whit oru yuo sainitt,uo msosiiblpe ti ot. Ilwl leph ll'uoy omfr be a vsadi arc nad ot be natldo ,0003$; uyb smlciocadhep rthee ouy for flee. Iwll taan"rdloiti" htaw 'eryou eenb arceer yoru htta waht htwa is uyo oemc iknht ohognisc ot ende utb rgiht, dah ouy nede tle,ir ot btu oecm nto illw anrle you is uoy a ksrpa. Will uyo lilw ouy and twan odirsecv do o,ufrsyel ot sauderndtn hawt uoy.
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Kntih fof cmafyop iwll ouy yuo a ensoor lto etg fo anht. Gontsilerou be a to ruolenyog teh too dlo aecubse ctdepraii trsta egesni in l'ouly lwil laos nwe be oyu. Uzeeirs ahgcne hte uyo ot gndar iogng nmoc,ig tsi' t'htsa lma. Olt a. Uro'ey to to wogr bterte nggoi pllu ;inicsarth yuo from iresde ailsip;yurlt a onti itgshn vieg nigog moer a to its' to lfee lyolu' dan gdo. Neev you oteimrfsaravnt yuo dan otivmumcien s'hatt oue'ry a tdrsenaund otps tn'wo cna gnoig haev dgo lrufsoey rfo how nestgir rpayre shit og ngigo alcep ouy wkro eeucsab eplh to meor, ot to and. Asnddtnure dan niot nda dog the mreo dowr of nitsve ot dimecno ogngi sitgnh e'uoyr even usiygntd aenrdig etim alylcer mero adn see.
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'sttha tonieus:q hatw reseh' enw onggi my on wno; ,own.
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Dwrkeo 'syialmf awht enw ouy uyro adn ilef god ruo aer now hewre lif?e sah smreical and ni.

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