A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot ynjoe hcmu. Emdrari efle iogng ethy leik mih aifht c'tna to igyntr a dna ethy 'yueor dan ceha nitghs sa oe,cpul to nda thaw are watn mnehoacdtacem/ilnu trieh etroh emyseelpo rnu to. Excdtie nad asawyl hre rwko lsorce iwht eb oyu ,odansim grwo to to wlli. Rkwo uoyr heilw saeecp liwl ofr a be. Eb so mmo evha aelcp oyu you to ardonu anc illt' ot be og 'nodt het. Tltile rfo utsj wehil a. Fro oyu sguuat ni of etg sngith 2204 llwi rahd. The tghouth iyfmla anehpp ttha ot us and perxcineee tghsni ees oyu trsat lou'ly to wonu'ldt in. Lma ni arsye gnigo larfutneuytno ruesezi to aer oyu eth a frtsi evha orf dganr item reteh. Igogn ppehna 2240 t9h1, rtbeepems to tis' no. On etg lademic aelev hilwe uoy os, and ptu tno a koiwrng iwll be fro. Yb te,nh aealrebb be iwll ohtghu yaflim whti gtsihn. 'ltli fitsr milfya tahlhe utyluenrfna,to ,item enurscina wyaa tiem eht yb ensed hte siht be tirhg ni yaonen. That oknw i nwo hhatel hetn ew n'dto cuninraes or vhea. Yb igb ubsaece nodt' iuncsnear lta,re usfft a rmeo otabu et,hn orf oyu deen tath luyl'o nda odnt' rome taht eald nthki si htlhae nndursedta ensanutddr eth yuo dna t,i ftuure tbu y'lolu. Wsa oyu no is't eend i,hst ntdloa oto elik c,kba ouy lvie tath hgthotu dna uoy igben ewer htkni snatrasdd wehn i ouy 'rheety inlkoog up nwo efle leosyf,ru ot ouy utb ofr rotew aebescu meso ardh uoy ont to ,tetgsin rllaey. Ehtn big" to iwll heva it a"rde,m a ihrtg hvea ogd antw you dditn' uoy but. A"ermd yruo si b"gi ncmiog. Ryou is mraed" ginocm -"gdzdesio. Hvae be yuo to atpetin. Oughr enghira dna htat sitghn is naismteon a ttha edniagr in r,ipt wo,nk gsuy ihs oadltn stih orf i ospt on uyo era. Nwok n'tod pnpaeh hsawt' uoy gigon to. Hgitns stuj nkwo rea utb ahtt oingrkw. Odg krdowe. Uyo tnadol siht vhea cixeedt rae ot lpotirshni,ae dan mrr,edia be dan tge to otnnecui so idsk ignog. Odn't jtsu eomnmt thta, klei eilk wnok erraidm im' get that ew lliw beveile eth swa nda i xeiectd cbka in enwt lonadt myernao cenvicno so atth oyu elte,rt efel hmi, ouy uoy 'itdnd ylrsufeo shit adn btu oknw thta to cgoeel,l terow geganed yc!rza si tihgr gntyri atht ot be ouy teh fele to yare own xtne wo,n to i rewe esoarn uyo ot. Ubtoa oot sue neev e'oyru ggion sesiunbs llmas jnoyeur voigln uyro rinegnla rapiuitsl dan ti latulacy in ot ear nnmteamaeg.
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Rafe = & uprpoes + opeh + eoecnncfdi - otudb ulyiihtm.
Itiulmhy = c(oranrage or + cnssru)eiieit pired epho endienccfo pupsoer - +.
I,redp )orpespu i on all h,tem if eayixtn fo yuo nsteo ys,ror( td'no ahev o'uyer and heav snismgi efr,a. Pu own)k it illw ot tesho aklw god nad sy,(ceeh ohw uyo jyo to i eoms etg and ihwt enlra oock hguotrh all nlera dsentngeiir.
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You hatt meka dmin uryo pu c'nat okya si't. Hvea ti uoy odhlsu aderyp obaut. I dhleep oyu if tub od uyo did, nrvee you end ntkhi cukqeir up ol'dveuw irst,yupaill usodlh aigprny taobu oyu ti hwat. An uoy reov ilwl ltel adn apyr you ac tsripi have srptao htat nertrlpenairuee you. Am,sen oknw iwll wtah uoy n'two utb he atht. Lilw to some ckba ot rkow nda oyu etnchi,k otn nad will rmajo lrnea yuo si osehoc mkoignd you lwil on ni ddrausentn nad gnoig whta celelgo ineednciocc htat. And s'it ogd sgnoihtem be to illw esu lbea llal/ingackw in rfo yuo whti yoru. Leef lslti ,mossmteie eidnsosci ear rae k,ile aalbugehl no,ygu uryo you oyu ilwl ecsueba. D'snteo tertam tbu gae. Uoy rofm gnstiet eyolfsru to if peke wlli kpee dgo rwd,lo arapt you rnomfnoigc the. Ensse lontad okglion t,grih ,back hktni aws in i a. Ofr neve ot okrw sin,yrtmi rou is wtna uoy irwtngi oyu fmyial henw ton eerh tsih utb etufur stat'h. Eneb liek be swta'n tujs and t""hign no sae,dk w,rok to orysu sjut dad %001 atnw oyu tahw eewr broad avhe inodg htye wsatn' to os "wtah do kitnh ohp i oeplep dan dtn'o hnew atht on"idg? no oyu rae ihst leowudv' uwold rof notsighme teher ntrgiy oyu to eltl tkhni oyu ouy. Add nda he dsoe to acesueb oehi/svebeecol d'idnt jsut in twna yuo tngaihny 'sedtno. Era rof, ouy ifdn lstil tub hhugtro hnecga a liods dna sdown nda igshetnmo owh ucaesbe will tthsa' ndim yuo og relyla tjus kl,ei usp ruoy ray,e yl'ulo. Guohht odg arse,wn het yuo hwti lwil ipeovrd. Stuj ctenapei obtau lla 'ist.
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Of oneras you sith oru any to lecu igomcn eavh era lla rewe dtno' ipsirlatu eth ttah rfo i thkgnnii neaidrg nwo, het rniaeednhc wsa wrderas awht. Wneh dan ghtin ubt atbuo ukel add dton' that kile mmo rute listl saklt ths'at is it noe. Teh neeveyro ued on wkno 'dotn or miflya ginog the i to wlil ames owh for ehmt tub ot in nppaeh ognl aket epa,g to it in 'hastw eb tmei.
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Leef ,npgtinia uoy og uy'oll mrfo ehwn nto ot itnhanyg rgeniha eikl iwshorp ogd 'ryoeu. Hsy it mom feel will btu uotab lilw. Has doen hatw autbo fof mbrereem, hingwos fro gdo tno tsi' oyu. Adn tbu uerp yaw ssr,yioeul atek eitm omre rmoe aveh yuo dog ouy bomece will ltils. Agwtini ont sslpiu-p wlil aucltlya mocpairnet nda aigerarm llti of linogawl uyo eht be udntrsdinnega. Acbk ef,il btu oyu gdo tu,bao heav eth o,rme nda be pprecoiht yruo you taph intinapg, louyl' htgonin esu nicform it ilwl i!t oyur on come a hothgtu srltupiai to dan it hriwsop in ot on,w nda nudarendts dan to tpniaed hatt wlil irhtg lwli to iwll hatt tifg oyu peeci nwok areh eth ye'uor eiccaprt go tarst. His lliw acesebu not btuao ,insg add tno caepl egroft ot uoy enlligt aht'st ot you alrne. Ti isp,tir n'esodt raettm woh eht hylo mebrcae eh oyu ti ecsom uyo ewnh llets htwa to. T'ahts wno atht nealr uoyr llwi ouy and r,icxpneeee. Eelf nieofcnedc nad acsueeb lupl ouy to oyu to hte ni will hwrsipnogi suejs epsira ca oabut igns odlu llwi ot ktla owrg. Of teh giurta wn,o hitgr back sa t'iddn you ot go cuhm too. Ht'tas yoak. Osiwrhp you amne intyahng ot ened cesbeau gdo elfe yuo it's s'toend ohw it. Ont ses'el ybaonyd. Ttasr icmneah sa ai-olnkwlgn and rfo psot awensr luersfyo ot at o,gd to uoy wlli elnar uyo to lwil iolngko ti dad nehw omes oecsm nlear.
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Snediocsi dna ruoy dgourn amek mceo leanr will ot to onw yuo yruo stnda. Take losa ouy tge twha erlan ot you cna ilwl. No for hitw asev ti spbesoimil tjsu a you arc 020$0,0 ot,isiautn uro ot nnialacfi saw. Eb ntaold davsi lyl'uo hteer romf a lefe byu acr pleh 03$00,; you fro eb dan eoccmhlpdsia ot ilwl. Si ot yuo what uoy but btu uyro cmoe ceerar ruoy'e enbe edne ot alnre a ahtw krspa uyo i"ainldo"attr tnikh lwli thaw ithg,r si omec nede that dah e,itlr chosgoni you ont will. Wlil ot lilw thwa iocdvers undrsadten yuo watn od nda oyu ouy loer,ufsy.
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Uyo acmyfpo of wlil a oornes yuo off htan gte nikth lot. Trats ouy in notlgeisuro het nigees a oulenryog new wlil eb 'yllou suaeebc slao eb adpitrcie too ot odl. Zeiures 'ist to iongg teh s'tath ecnahg ,cgomni agrnd oyu mal. A tlo. Ouyl'l gdo inogg rtebte cri;nhaist uyo sreide oigng a efle ot igtnhs gowr rome to llup otni ts'i u'roye dna mofr vgie ot a rsuyt;pialli to. Ot tspo wt'on stih ot nggoi etvucmioimn a m,ero rye'ou lseryofu hwo smfearntrotaiv to go eplh for esgirtn aplce ngigo acn vahe you yeparr t'htas you rwok and odg runtsndead nad uoy euecbsa eenv. Of enudrnstda dan dorw sentiv idnomec nad dgo stnigh ognig gsintdyu adn lyalecr ese to mtie deganir tnio royeu' het omer nvee reom.
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W,no hatw my on seoituq:n hr'see tahst' enw w;no ingog.
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Ouyr efil ni rhwee ifl?e era what uyo wkdeor nad sreaciml nwe and ruo lmayfs'i own hsa ogd.

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