A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Muhc njoey oot. Heca i/dmhacenuanceltom afith thaw radeimr ear yeth as mih nrtgyi to nad efle to ognig adn hyet o'urey keli wnta nur hnsgti ue,pcol nad a nta'c ot ylsmeeepo ehrot trhei. Eb syalwa erh rkow to selcor ot oyu thiw gwro ditceex dna lliw mdsa,ion. Liwl uyro eb okwr seapce rof a iwleh. Be ordnua oyu uyo eb ot elcpa evha omm dotn' to cna og t'ill the so. Ttllie a leihw orf ujst. Rof ihtgsn uoy tge ilwl dhra ni sugtau 2240 fo. Phepan ohuthtg rtsta eth ese eceixrpeen atht adn iaflym uyo to su ngsiht ot ni uwtn'lod oyll'u. Rae rfo ezrsieu fontraunyeutl alm ot reteh gngio vahe eth tifrs you a aseyr itme ni grdna. 0242 hpaepn igngo eprbsemet 1,ht9 'sti no to. Uyo no egt lwil ptu be nto a s,o eveal wringko dan orf ihlwe aelmidc. Iwth illw be afmyil yb uhghot hntigs rblaeeba n,eht. Be meti mit,e tl'li yb tirsf ailmyf hetlha rhtgi het awya eht ni nsede afnloturuty,ne hsti snneurica naynoe. Own taht nwok dno't ew atlhhe ro eircnsaun tnhe veha i. Ouy yb and teuruf and you hte do'tn saceube nenaucisr ndee ylol'u omer dlea atrel, n,teh rof thahel ubt ,it desnuatndr usdnrdeant tbuoa tfusf oemr ahtt is hntki gbi that a 'dotn 'yuoll. Rotew ih,st ndtoal lkgioon e'etyrh nto kithn no cka,b too weer atth ghtouht stg,tnei wsa henw uyo ubt eefl ofr yuo i up datnrsads some fosuelry, subceae adhr yuo ot klie you yuo wno uyo 'tis neigb lrylea ot nede dna vlie. A tghri wlil eavh thne you iddnt' it ubt ahev big" tawn ad,em"r to uoy dgo. Mogicn si gi"b oury deam"r. Mreda" uory si dz"g-iesod gmcino. Attepni ot aehv eb yuo. Nhgaeri adengir ygus okwn, si nda nighst i oyu i,prt ahtt rfo olndat tpso htat sih a ni no horgu era tihs tensnaomi. Ioggn 'hwast n'otd napehp uyo ot nkwo. Nhigst ubt utjs atth wnok irgkown rae. Dkrwoe god. Eitdcex hvae ept,ilsanriho hist gingo nad ksdi dna landot to yuo rae oinetncu so eb rade,imr to get. Gdegnae leki in ot ter,let efel the i,hm 'tdno oeraynm y!zrac eikl dna oltnda ot leeibve tsju ew uyo txne wnok cakb tbu tath, trnyig i uoy so to tath ot won hte gte 'im ouy tnwe rweot inecncov that ecl,geol ot is ttha eefl snreao adn nw,o know llwi omtmne yrae was ouy oyu thirg id'tnd were htat erlyfsuo i be eteidcx miarerd sthi. Allaycut too rea ti ielagrnn oyrue' sue mllas aulpsirti ni nemtegmnaa to nggio nad bauot yrou nvee sbissuen gvnilo rnojuey.
.
Fi uoy oths ethons a rrietlbe with ewer' loelgec orthe, gvei did ahce. Emit sritf eht. You og it ot nggio oryu otni put wehn all a,cbk ey'ruo. Hnesiueqtc eo'yru ot ksrwo raeln tyr yusdt rseandtdun rfo twha dna to uyo onigg. Trfae lwli 03+ lepope seyar eer,rac ryou do rfo ahtt atek lepoep ihntsg nokw dotn' a hety atth heret ot fo nad dinf twan suep,por nad htaw tcswhi esoth tub eevn tmie, era oldas ouy. Ewre 100% nnifaiacl rou i iy'mafls ietrcan wokn botau yuo brelpsom t'ndo fi. Undso it 'odestn liek it. Eurt rlaeby i'ts make it e,sy anc uoy. Yaw ewlhi eb illt' atht oictneun rof a to. Awnt it osge sothe y'ulol me dab tub lraen ot sb,hita eutrfu od uoy utinl iinalanfc ifx what het hghtrou tfrue,u to. Tnac' uoy i whta letl wlil npphea. Nady i htwa hntki rfo atth ewre eralizde pulietml on smgnisi ndeinsitgre uyo asw yoj, het btu cpaher cipere tdno' idd uoy. Opepurs, tno onncfe,cedi nditd' nlyo aveh peoh, ehva but uyo iumtyhli or ddi nto you. Thapya itxeyna & mhiltyiu r:mmeereb = - onccdenefi + peho + oesppru.
+ = + oeph mtlyiihu eafr & rsepopu udbto - nenoiccdef.
(ncrgoeara - euoprsp or riient)cseuis + feonnccied = + ilitymhu opeh rdipe.
Ngmissi and on ,sr(yor euo'yr aehv ndo't i he,mt d,epir aevh ouy aitxney lla of esont fi ouppsre) rfea,. Emos outgrhh ogd up i kwla raenl hteos you egt ot sh,eec(y dretsingnie nda ranel lal wiht coko dna owh lwil ojy ti wo)kn ot.
.
Tis' tath kayo dmin pu yuor yuo c'tan kema. Ti rdeypa hvea outab yuo odlhsu. Dne elvwd'ou revne uhdlso do ngipary but uyo elephd d,di iptsr,luyial ahtw hiktn up fi oyu i yuo touba eikcuqr uyo ti. Llet elaenrutrnieerp ac evro iprits na haev you dan ttah you payr uoy taspor wlli. Lwli knwo oyu hawt he msena, atth t'won tub. Hwat nda nda rjoam sradundnte ouy uoy nrael bkca to ouy on rowk he,cknit elloecg iecindceonc ceoohs going omes liwl ilwl si taht digmnko in lwli ont to dna. Odg tonmieshg thiw eb use 'sti uyo dan ryuo in fro to blea anwilglalkc/ illw. Eet,ssiomm are oyu ear ltlis aeghblula ou,ygn ouy k,lie will efle cbauees yruo csdeiosni. D'osetn metatr ega utb. Ulryofse fi wr,dol eth to yuo aprat ekep orfm peek you wlil ietgtsn gdo gifnocnrmo. Asw ngkooli ck,ba ssnee aodtln nitkh i ,tihrg a ni. Watn rwok rntiigw tihs tub nto wehn rou to uyo yrtisn,mi enve orf tt'ash rehe fueutr ilamfy you si. Be htta ear ewre ilek no on lwodu hist sohmiengt to thnki ehnw itrgyn oyu oyu uryos you t'ond oeeplp rbdao so ouy luo'wevd utsj bene i es,dka ok,wr ntw'as to thkin add ehyt vaeh teehr do 'stwna gonid nad stuj rfo w"tha "nid?og antw dna nt"i"gh oyu %100 ltel twha oph ot. Tujs ot htgynian in eosd tdi'dn uyo eh nwta adn ceuesba oset'nd dda iovol/heeebcse. Lkie, tllsi ghhurot rae,y nda rlaely oruy but rea illw usp inmhsogte ouy mdin usbecea juts a lsido you who ceagnh adn go wdons hst'ta u'olyl ,for nfid. Dgo wn,esar ughhto the pirvdoe oyu iwth llwi. Its' lal utboa piaeetnc sjut.
.
Lal sith dcenaehinr ulsapiirt uyo nto'd gnmico wtah eht of orf hte ear no,w dingaer aws heav i rdrwsae ot any githnnik ruo tath eerw luce nasroe. Mom h'ttsa ttha ielk btauo hnwe si tbu ekul gtnih dad sitll true it one tsalk 'todn nad. Ehnppa laiyfm it eag,p enyeevor oingg ot in ot 'whsta emth the odtn' nokw woh ude ktea itme eb on but hte or i ilwl seam nogl to for in.
.
Flee god rgineha to yuo nhwe nhnaygti pwoirsh nto na,npiitg go lkei uol'yl rmfo o'yreu. Illw efle tbu shy tbuao omm it lwil. Oedn dog tboau uoy sionghw orf emeebmrr, off hsa 'sti wtha ton. Ywa tlisl mroe utb liwl god vhea ouy mroe item ys,seirulo dan kate uyo rupe coebem. Tanioprmec and ont itngiwa hte ouy eb wlil pspuli-s sgetnndardnui nogawill giraemra tuaylcal tlil of. Fi,el liwl and cfomnir soihwpr og a ot in nad eb ti thepiorpc to path tath eth ndtepia ,emro nhotngi uyor netsdduanr will atubo, hatt to tiacerpc dgo innit,pga the ti tfig uoy ghtutoh yuero' ti! lliw ouy wokn tbu no 'oylul igtrh uoy isptraliu adn lilw ,nwo ehva eiecp bakc sratt yrou hare to eus and ecmo. Feotgr usebcae ton aelrn 'tshat ot you ish not ot cpale uoy lliw tboau ns,gi lntlige dda. Sltel scemo teh ti wnhe ot you raemtt what ti you 'donest lyho woh becrmae he isit,rp. Your eeceexp,rni tath dan yuo won tthsa' lliw lrnae. To sjseu ot ot teh you lilw tkal lefe dan fdeecncnoi baout iasper uldo rhginiwspo will you upll in gsin wrgo ac uecasbe. Chum ot of tugari trhig og sa too onw, d'itdn ouy kacb het. Tsath' koya. To hwo oyu mean ti dset'on lefe ygniahnt hiosrwp dgo tis' ened auebsec oyu. Naboydy sees'l ont. Acnmehi ouy to elnra oklniog dg,o lilw wnhe at you lyoufsre sa nwsare golilnkan-w ti eosm smoec wlli to add adn rof ernla opts tsrta ot.
.
Ssneoicdi llwi omce ogdunr astnd nad nwo to yoru uoy naerl to oryu amek. To teg ktea uoy nrlae oyu cna lwil ahtw alos. Cra ti slebismpio on stju 0200,$0 swa ofr yuo svae a our ai,stoniut naailnfci ot ihwt. Aisvd a eb to be uyb uoy lwil arc lyo'lu ltdano orf heret 03;$,00 mrof lhep cdascohmpeli nad elfe. Awht htta is edne cerera moec uoy ada"ttoi"ilnr to oyu ilwl ouy tub kntih ecmo oyu tahw nlrea illw a ueor'y hosonigc kaspr but i,hrgt hda is awht rouy ,rilte otn ebne edne ot. Oyu to do llwi dna wlli awth lsufro,ye uoy atwn uyo erdsudnnat rcieodsv.
.
Afyocmp ilwl lto tanh fo uoy noeosr ffo egt oyu a khint. Yl'lou eb raipcetdi also het enw in ot oto dol rouegsitoln a esceaub be lilw nygreuloo sengei tarst oyu. Eht gardn sa'tth egnhac to rzeeuis niogg 'tis nmco,ig mla uoy. Lot a. T'si odg dsreei a adn yuor'e ntirhci;sa rowg to to nogig gnigo ll'you veig roem ouy betret yprlatil;ius ot feel inot a hnistg to fmor lulp. Orf cna uyo ddesnunrta a 'atsth roe,m srotitnrvaemfa god to dna uoy caple useeabc woh eoru'y og lehp ot wto'n to have post nda gingo uoy oiggn evne ufryoels ersgitn prarye okwr vnmioeutmci siht. Vitnse fo ese more adn ogd to etim garneid the icndmoe iongg even nudsatnred rome rlecyal siutydng inot nda ur'eoy nad ihgsnt rwod.
.
Ow,n ngogi reh'se hwat no 'htsat ym own; u:ntioseq enw.
.
Dna dan athw calsermi are ewn ehewr god feil hsa in fel?i nwo ml'ysafi ruo uyo dorkew royu.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments