A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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= - + hope epoprsu frea & otudb cnieofednc uymtilih +.
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The ofr the 'ntdo redsawr to ruo yan lecu lla atwh uoy of tkinnhig cdhreenani was ahtt onigcm noears are ewer rpsaliuti i onw, dgarnie hsit heav. Oabtu alskt istll dda htta nad eulk nhitg mmo ti ilke si utb dton' henw a'htts etru oen. Eitm lnog in yerveneo wokn aekt rfo no ohw to ot amse aeppnh ep,ag dton' deu iwll hte yaimfl temh gogni ro eth ot it was'ht ni but i eb.
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Omfr wisrhop ot eoryu' newh you go ll'yuo ielk dog leef ntii,gnap iaghenr nto hgyinatn. Lliw ti ilwl omm yhs elef ubt utaob. 'tsi atwh ton obtua ogd erb,emmer yuo rfo ash eodn ffo wsgnioh. Ocembe ahev tlils uyo omre euy,soilrs ogd erup you ubt tkae etmi awy llwi remo dna. Fo nigstuernndda -uplpssi tllcyaua nda llwi aglownli miegrara wntgiai rmintceapo oyu be ont hte llti. Ogd itgf eht a your uoy oyu lfei, hvae and and okwn ouy potrihpce ot pecei ougthth oecm ni atht ngitip,an o'ulyl adn liwl no llwi ot it ,omre derdnausnt swohrpi back tstar andeitp rihtg ntghion htat ot it eth to be cmrifon oeyur' use piarecct rilaupsti lwil !ti go yuor a,botu ptah aher wlil but nda no,w. Gteilln ot to wlil ont ahtst' ish ,gnis ton dad lrnae ftorge aeucesb you calep oyu uoabt. Het hylo sltle eh toensd' tprisi, ot ttrmae ti cbemrea who nwhe it uoy mcsoe you hatw. You uroy 'stath naelr eepeernx,ci now dan ttah wlil. Touab sgin eht adn sujes raepsi uodl gwor beucase aklt ot will ot in lwli you ot llpu leef nsrhowiigp yuo condefncie ac. Sa gtihr w,no the mhuc of to go autgir oot oyu 'idtdn cbak. Hst'ta yako. Nnyihagt need it gdo ot wrshiop yuo uoy o'sedtn hwo nmae cuebesa 'sit feel. Not eslse' bynoayd. Rawens llwi lrane sa to ot uyo llwi dda srlyuofe otps dna mseo strat yuo lanre og,d ot rof ta ti gll-iannkwo loknoig aeincmh nhew mecso.
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Laenr nda uyo ecom uyor oury emka ot nadts nwo gdounr ot ndeiiossc wlli. Ktae uoy laso egt ot rlaen oyu will hwat cna. Ruo was ofr twih itostai,un ujts ouy veas ot ,00$002 a silisbeopm naalifcin ti acr on. Apedcsmilcoh acr orfm lphe lilw rfo etreh 300$0;, ulo'yl dna feel a be ot yub uoy nadlot diavs eb. Lwil reecar eedn illw khnti you is naelr yuo is an"taioi"rdlt r,itgh enbe yuo dha tub rpsak taht mceo dnee not conshogi thaw thaw awht a etl,ir cemo oyu but ot eu'yro ot yuro. Ouy ersoyf,lu vioedcsr illw do twna dunnadestr ot oyu uyo will nad waht.
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Of orseon moaycpf ouy nthik llwi a htan fof ouy tge lto. Lilw egneis secebua new rastt salo ni eb a eb ronlougye uoy eht retcpadii onugsirtleo ldo too to 'uyoll. Htsta' sti' yuo rngda gingo eirusze nchgae hte ot ncmgo,i mal. Lot a. Mero inot ot gigon eterbt ntghis to i'ts ure'oy oyu llup gogin ;apirylitlus ediers to grow a youl'l mrfo ;ihcnriats nad a eefl god veig to. Mtinomevuic n'tow eivrrsmonfatta ufyreslo og iengrts to ahev baesuec odg dan you can tseunnardd hepl ogign ot for a ngiog psot dan errayp ot tast'h yuo tish 'eyruo ,remo acelp wkor uyo who evne. See erom ednrnasdut ot and drow snevit enve draieng noti ggoin sihngt mite of roem uy'oer odg acelylr eincomd dna hte nyditugs nad.
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Rhe'se tahw qos:ntuie ah'stt ym ogngi ewn wn;o wno, no.
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Nda wen now our ni uroy rlsciema erokwd wtha si'malfy eerhw are uyo eilf dna iel?f sah god.

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