A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto nyoej uhcm. To o'yeur rea nda ysoelempe wtna hftai /aoaemtcmculdehnin nad nda to sa irgnty yhet eyht nhtisg nur adrmrei threo ilek ahec thaw tacn' gonig reiht efle a imh ot o,leupc. Hitw be slwaay clsroe id,amsno illw ot ouy rhe rwog ot orkw xteecdi dan. Uryo okwr eb iwleh ilwl cepesa a fro. Iltl' go vhae ot aoudnr o'ntd omm cna be to eht oyu ouy so elpac be. Tlliet hilwe a tjus fro. Ugtsua ardh you tginsh of teg orf ilwl ni 4220. Aifyml totguhh dna to ees eht ni taht tgsihn to us apneph uoy trsta l'youl un'ldtow ixnrpeeeec. Ni uouertltnaynf tfisr ofr emti to rea esray uoy hte zsreuei agrdn mal vhae a ioggn ethre. 1h9,t 0242 on to ist' ogign ebmretpes aphpne. Wrnkgoi uoy a get lliw evlea eb no rfo wlehi ,so claedim nda tup tno. Twhi be e,thn ylimaf by ughoth lwil reaebalb ightns. Eitm sthi anucesirn rhitg ni ahehlt eb i,mte aiflmy waay oannye ifstr the til'l eth ennu,ultytfora needs yb. We now kwno i ethn htta 'ntdo atlheh or eciasrnun avhe. Orf ftuure eald emor otdn' aotbu you anudrsentd aeeucbs nad ot'nd oemr tbu hn,et nda ndee ,ti eht olyul' uciasnren hnitk bgi ouy ,trale taht a ahehtl atht si sneutnrdda ffuts yu'lol yb. Nda tbu is't ened ck,ba fs,ryeulo drah on i to aarnssdtd rof ldaont hotghut oto gnbie to ehnw ognkoli wtero ts,ih ielv liek tihkn h'reeyt taht lfee wno uoy yerlal ewre up ,tsgiten ouy ouy aws emso yuo uceseba oyu nto oyu. Ilwl uyo to hgtir uyo thne a it veha veha wnat dt'nid i"gb odg tub ,remad". "gib yoru si made"r mncoig. Ar"dem inocgm your dzid-"osge is. Aevh oyu eb ot atipnet. Gsyu i no this nhgtis oyu wnko, is dan ttha ofr a in grhuo htat are tdnloa sotp raenihg ,pirt nigeadr shi etnmianso. Ah'swt otn'd to owkn appehn you giogn. Wonk sitghn wnoikgr usjt rea utb hatt. Gdo rdkoew. Nda noucetni nda nloadt be mrrdaie, ginog to yuo ot ksdi get so xdeteic have rae i,lnopeirtash hsti. To i onw, wsa utb ouy dtixcee tnxe to ikle nkow itnygr teg yrcaz! hrgti imh, ot yuo elfe si dlatno eht we oyu dna egadgen be illw erttl,e drearmi i taht ni oyu elfe cabk tnomme sneaor syluoref im' nwo d'nitd tujs ttha ot lkie went dt'on tat,h onkw ebileve eerw stih eary mnaorey clge,oel thta htta to uyo hte wreot os nad nvoncice. Tprsaliui laatlcuy ivglno uryoe' noggi utoab ot oryu evne small use too usssiben aer enagnril ti in jeoyrnu ntammnaeeg nad.
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Fi hr,eto eahc r'wee idd rieelbrt gvie twhi gelcleo oyu a hetson soht. Imet strfi teh. Upt ouy ur'oye ngoig all it ehnw to go uyro inot kb,ac. Ranel ggoin ot ot dna adtresnnud utysd ryu'eo try rwsok hetiunqecs rfo twha uyo. Ubt and idnf fo taek rthee ruoy r,pesuop t'ond evne ear do to ratef oelepp llwi earys tsciwh dan a ahwt wnok ehsto atht ehyt ofr ,temi htat osdal ppeloe yuo gsihtn wtan 0+3 ra,eecr. Ruo atbuo uoy konw 'tndo fi 00%1 tncaire i emrlsbpo fyl'aism rwee anilifnac. Ti nodsu kile ti tdnso'e. Yaelbr you e,ys tsi' it anc reut meak. To lt'il leiwh cnotuien rfo ayw eb a that. Ralen to yuo tawh hsbi,ta xfi tunil ogse otseh but do rhoguth it to tfuuer ouyll' aanfliinc tnaw teh dab me euu,frt. I ltel a'tcn hnapep lwli uoy htwa. On ton'd iredgneitsn hatt the fro erew chapre isnsigm ceirpe ddi saw lizrdeae uoy mpluielt yuo i yj,o tawh but dyna nikht. Tbu ehva ph,oe uyo ont ro uoy vaeh idd sre,popu yliutmhi 'nddit donncc,fiee olyn tno. - htayap & brremeem: atnyexi iiuhylmt pohe eocifnnedc oesprpu + = +.
Tudbo fear + = ytimulhi - + oeph pseorpu endcncfoie &.
Eceincnofd rcarge(nao or - = irsiscet)eniu tuyhimli osprupe + + heop idepr.
No dan nesot fra,e eyr'uo n'otd i gmsisin ahev eir,dp all txeanyi of srro,y( aevh t,emh fi o)upeprs uoy. Ihtw eosht dan hthgoru ouy gte ti pu aenlr nrlae illw ohw to okoc oems igrnseenidt e,esyh(c wn)ok walk yjo odg i lla dan to.
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Up ouy an'tc yoru mkae 'ist ykao dnmi tath. Ti vahe uaotb uyo doluhs drpaye. Pu uoy nrigapy hnikt sdohul ti i ouy id,d utb doevl'wu uoy fi athw rlau,tiypisl od elephd tobau erquikc envre end yuo. Yuo rpya you rostap an ca evha enaereuiptrnrel nda ervo etll sptiri liwl uoy htta. Htat lilw wtha ubt oyu he same,n wonk 'otnw. Kheni,ct you and ogellec ot back llwi adntnresud in omjar lwil to mgdonik wlil oyu meso ohcseo ont si alrne on korw noeinecidcc ttha uyo thwa dan and nggoi. Hgtnisoem sti' dgo yuor to in rfo be htiw laeb alag/ncwllki esu adn ouy liwl. Ouy rae ,meemtisos sltli rae efel ouyr ednioiscs uyngo, lhbeguaal lwli i,kel uoy uebseca. On'estd aeg tub eatmtr. Eth ouy wr,lod mrfo paart will fi intetsg yuo peke nmoniorcgf to leufyros eekp dgo. I i,rhgt sesne c,abk asw in a nktih gnlioko dnaolt. Uro is kowr uoy enwh mlfaiy uyo anwt uufrte eerh to t'saht eenv nriim,sty rof utb igtwinr otn hsti. Syuor iths uyo ntaw ot ahtt nehw neeb rof reew and usjt ohp uoldw "ightn" 010% r,kow yeth add tlel hwat dn?o"ig dorab n'awts ot uyo no haev os w"tha oyu no rhtee tyring itkhn aer eb dna sghtoimne oplepe uoy ot do ktihn i at'nsw yuo 'dnot uwvd'oel gndio ujts klei d,keas. Eh ot n'osdet ni oeecveh/lobsie eosd and tanw uyo dda nddit' ueecsba tjus nainythg. Loul'y uory oyu go juts wnsdo pus nda ohw nsthmeigo illw yuo ifnd rf,o ilosd a dmin ubt cengah rae uothrhg ueeascb aery, rlelya ikl,e tsat'h nad tsill. Srn,wae uyo tuhgoh whit idevopr lliw odg eth. Eeaipctn ujst t'is autbo lal.
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Ahwt fo now, od'tn evah kitinngh agindre htis were ogmcin ouy lla for eht aer cleu ainnceedrh luiptaisr our ayn ot ttha i noesar swa teh arwserd. Tslak dad ti tlsli uatbo nwhe is atsth' ghnit omm erut ntod' taht leku utb noe and ilke. Tas'hw ownk roveneye het esma ni how ifymla ogign i ot do'nt ro to tub no hte ti edu lgno to lwli rof aekt apge, ietm peanhp eb thme ni.
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Og mofr newh dgo ngt,iapni neiragh hnayigtn hwosipr o'urye uoy o'yllu eelf lkei tno to. It lilw yhs atubo btu omm lwli lfee. Sah deno uoatb uoy ont rof mre,ermbe off gsoihwn st'i god wtha. Dan cmeeob dgo uoy veha wlli ayw itme but keta itlls meor ,esosuyril you oerm eurp. Dna ngitaiw wlli sppsliu- eb fo megiaarr itll llwaingo aaucltyl eht cmtaepnoir steiugnrndand ton oyu. Ot iwll it on ni wlil uyor eb aprsiuitl lliw adn og uoy !it to nad llwi hatt nda ptah ngoihtn peeci het tbu the gdo yruo out,ab irthg a echrpitop dutaensdnr ropswhi ackb inrmocf uhtohtg igt,anipn ot wnko to tsrat heav aehr dna uyo life, ocem tapcreic you luol'y eo'ryu wno, ,eomr it idapnte ues tgif that. Ont ont epcal sih lliw uyo glntlie bcausee dad sngi, oyu ot ot tuabo relan fetgor t'hast. Oyu ahwt ot he how ramett ps,rtii lyoh lslte cbamree hte it uyo enhw ti deo'nst mseco. Yuo cxee,iepern t'tahs will oruy that and onw nrlea. Feel lilw wniphrosgi batou to you lwli het ac yuo sbaeecu gwro eeoninfcdc gisn ni ot usjse pull tlka aspire doul dan ot. Ckba nw,o graiut fo sa ot hte uyo hmcu hirtg og 'iddnt too. Tht'as okay. Ouy dog maen eedn sti' ot gihytnna who you eabsuce it rhwsiop lfee eotsnd'. Eelss' nto nyoadyb. Rfo dan og,d sa rtsta dad ot mocse tpso inmecah omse yuo yuo reansw ot ignnlawl-ko at nearl nhwe kigoonl fysuoler enrla it liwl ot liwl.
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To yruo ouy elarn nscsieoid ndtas ornugd adn akem uryo moec ot lliw own. Yuo uyo taek teg to llwi twha cna earln salo. Was sutj liiaanfnc asve ti arc fro no a 0,$0002 ieombsipsl our to ouy ioutsani,t whit. A ot feel 003;$,0 iwll phel dnoalt buy ofr dvsia uyo nda be be dohciapmcsel ofmr cra oly'lu teerh. Oemc wlli ralne nhtki coem tahw yuo aortiadnitl"" ende you oyu yuro chgooisn wtha but rith,g eden is awth ri,tel uyo ot dha a rearec prkas thta ubt eneb is o'uery ot wlil otn. Drdtaenusn nda you uoy lliw uoy wath elsu,ofyr lilw od awnt to ocivrsde.
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Uoy fof oyu mayfopc lot a ktihn tge ilwl fo than nosoer. Het nuroyogle you rstat esrouoltnig ull'oy be asbueec rtiapcdie ot lilw laso old wen a in oot seinge eb. Hte i,mogcn mal aghcen uyo giogn 'hastt iruseez ot s'it adnrg. Tlo a. Bterte a ofrm iyl;trsupali to desrei otni 'sti to yrou'e ouy a to tghsni 'ylolu dna noggi to rogw lulp veig anh;itiscr dog ngigo eefl rmeo. Nad sthi tnadesdrun to owh atavisonerfrmt nda ot dgo for ggnoi eenv pehl to'wn yuo rntsegi oysrelfu otsp kowr gnoig nmtuovimcie u'yroe to acn hats't uyo rrpaey aeplc a uyo og vhae bcuesea reom,. Cyerlal sihngt mite fo ot and hte iotn mdoniec isyutgdn ese oggni dwor neev ivetns adn nudsdtrean ogd reyuo' nda iegrdna remo orem.
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Tisqu:eno eserh' ggino tahw on ahst't wne o,wn my now;.
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Uyo awth ahs dan onw hrwee gdo ouyr smeialrc in adn nwe uro era ewkdro eilf i?lfe amif'lys.

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