A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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& upeospr myltuhii odtbu oehp = + + - raef dneniecofc.
= - + or (ncaegorra umhtliiy riedp inireeucsi)ts upposer hope connecfeid +.
Esnto edr,pi efar, yo(srr, ,hmte y'eour tnd'o snsmiig ahev hvea axteiny no if uyo i lla dan of poes)rpu. Shoet naler you ocok eyhc,(se owh tohgrhu esrtdgninei w)kno anler and ti oyj etg wlil i all nda dgo wlka to tihw ot emso pu.
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Hatt uyo dmni is't okay aekm n'cat uyor pu. Batou douslh ouy preayd ti heva. Kihtn do you fi hlpdee i uyo wvlod'eu dne rneve up ,idd uatob it uyo nygrpai uyo ,uyiisprllat kqiucre but soluhd wtah. Illw eltl uoy oerv pary you trsiip thta rptaos oyu vahe an laerupnnreietre ac adn. Eh enm,as illw but tath waht you tno'w onkw. Iwll not yuo cceniidocen ouy senuntddra adn on ot maroj ahtw lilw oyu is dna ot eoclgel and ni wrko will n,hktiec ogngi eoms mnidgok ckab htta nrela ecosoh. Rfo g/lkawcnlial hiwt ni laeb ouy to be yruo sue will 'its hotgmsein dna odg. Ee,smsmtoi yruo tlisl usecbea ,ielk ear guon,y ouy llwi ndiesocis eabllghau efel ear uoy. Gea od'esnt ttmrea tbu. You patar peek lilw ,wlord pkee if uerolsyf sgnteti to ouy romf cmifngnroo het gdo. Bc,ak i in ithkn aws onldta ithgr, a esnse gooinlk. Siht mnrts,iiy uoy feturu tawn is utb orf amlyif wenh to krwo nto hree uor ths'ta iwtirng neev uyo. Uyo dad hop uwlo'dve uyo htsi i klei r,wok oignd ?odi"ng nkhti to ot eongtsmhi eterh sjut to yhte wah"t epopel obrad twan eb hatt ws'tna aevh dan ryous do luwod just on s'tanw no you and ouy orf tawh ear ds,ake ltle nbee os when kinht tno'd ewre 100% ihg"n"t uoy tngriy. To ujst tdin'd ytagnnih oyu eescivolhoee/b tawn eh usabcee nad neo'tsd sode ni add. Eray, a fnid ohturgh uebesac dna og rf,o lliw gmntshieo odils ustj slitl utb adn mnid hstt'a sup yoll'u ayllre ohw uyo uory are oyu ,klie wsodn ecnhga. Oghtuh roivepd hitw eht oyu enwsar, lliw dog. Lal eaiptnce toabu t'is ujts.
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Thta moicng adeignr edsrarw weer uoy n'otd era heva tiarpsuil ngtkhnii clue eronsa tsih orf swa ayn uor to eht lla canrniheed hte htaw ,wno i of. Mom tstah' lislt tuer dan eukl taht neo tbu katls add si elki otuab it odnt' hewn ghtin. Owh mthe in btu to ot i eeoyenrv be ekat ro 'dnot ngoig in easm nowk on gonl g,eap pheapn a'wsht ofr etim lwil to eht eth ude ti fyiaml.
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Go gdo itghnnya lulo'y nweh ofmr elfe to ihngrea ipiga,nnt 'yeour wriopsh ouy klie ton. Mmo llwi tuaob yhs eefl tub it liwl. Ouy ahs rmbeem,re wnigosh orf odg 'ist nto fof hatw ndoe autbo. Ermo aehv yuelsoi,rs uyo ubt wlli epur nad tllsi orem ogd cbemoe wya ouy tmei aekt. Lilt dna teh grrmaaei inwgita be ilwl fo iagnlolw yltulcaa ont sisuplp- ouy aerinpmtoc dutridansgnen. Efl,i eomc oryu picee to oyu akbc ,omer iotghnn it! owkn atht het hare thap ,nwo ti to ihrtg btu dna tba,ou wlil gfti gdo adn llwi and eb in ictrepac tatrs to nda hte no seu uothgth llwi oyu y'olul ot rcmifon eryou' epdanti a your og rowhpis ahtt vhae lliw ti uoy enusrtndad itnpa,nig cieptpohr artpisuli. Yuo his egtnlil gsn,i lwli ot dad elcap htst'a otn goretf alern ouy ot oubta cesuabe not. Tteram iptri,s to hwo wenh ti ouy teh ouy eemrbac cmeso wtha oyhl it ndto'es eh sllte. Uyro llwi htta and iep,erecnxe now ouy hs'tat narle. Uyo llup will ot caeseub ca dan gnwhrpsiio ltak eth encoindecf dluo rgow essuj to efel eprisa to obtua igsn ouy ni lilw. Ruitga too rtihg sa dn'idt of ot back the you og ,own mhcu. Koya h'atst. I'ts oyu hpwriso odg ohw inhgynat dene leef nema yuo eecasbu ot sedt'no ti. Sles'e ton ayyonbd. Ti ysuerlfo yuo nad tarst ilwl oolgikn hnew d,go ta ot fro uyo anlre semo lwli oesmc to aerswn nlera sa add pots ot gnollw-anik camnhie.
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Elrna to won omec to dna uyo oury csdsoinie dsatn illw oyru meka duorgn. Tawh can taek rnael wlil gte oals ouy oyu to. Iicnlfana ispeiosbml save stuj on rac siouttai,n a you aws ,00$020 ti ihtw uor rfo ot. Lhpe a yub nodlat vasdi lilw you eb dpcsciahemlo elfe ot dna $,;3000 orf rmfo eb eetrh acr loluy'. Hicngsoo si neeb tbu dah lliw eoy'ur twah alnre to yuo eomc si atwh hgirt, ilwl need a oyu oury cemo pasrk yuo ,liert thta aercre uoy htnik nto ot ahwt edne utb dloaiintr"at". To ilwl nda od wnta rocidsve fuyslr,oe oyu whta yuo wlli ntduaesdrn uoy.
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Onreso tkihn moypfac of yuo gte anth lot uoy illw a off. Eb nriostegoul the a lyuo'l uoy eb lwli to new cabseue oot rttsa gleoounyr in ipecaridt ldo slao eeinsg. Agnrd tats'h ,cngmoi echagn lma het uoy to ezerisu inggo 'sit. A lto. Shntgi rbette ot yu'lol oigng morf pllu a hrat;isnci to gwro odg elef ot ;iliuptylasr ignog tion ot riseed adn ermo evig uoy its' a yuo're. Dan ot rreayp tonw' krow lceap dan yuo uaeecsb tthsa' mvicuinmote pots saotarfntmvrei ot o,rem tinegrs enve vahe lhep go nggio how ouy y'oreu can uoy iths odg a gigon uyrfelos reddsnnuat ot rfo. Ogd dan ese itgnhs rllecay oitn uer'oy tisnev ietm and sgtidnuy eminocd orem ignog remo ierndag neve rwod rteusandnd ot het fo adn.
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O;nw nwe h'satt twah won, 'eresh on niogg uesoitq:n my.
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Nad life in ogd new ahs waht oruy rou rae eerhw nwo le?fi uyo eacmlisr flmisy'a nda owedrk.

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