A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Rospupe + odbtu = eraf mluhyiti oeph + & dcnofnieec -.
Siisuren)icet phoe - or epdir cendefncio + nrorag(cea pusoepr + ityliuhm =.
Ahev 'notd no yxaetin rfa,e fi sgimnis dan ried,p roy(rs, i aevh oyu of yu'ore lal pspou)er tm,he etnos. Dan elrna up ogd leran wkno) ti coko to i ouy lwil tohes to woh gte dna huhgtro hwti yesh(e,c all kawl joy smoe iinngsdtree.
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Ouy rahcdieenn gcmino ewer rof ttha i esrdraw ahtw of lal inithnkg 'ndto ear ,won arnsoe teh aws oru hits rasipulti ot het any haev elcu irengda. Btauo ltksa is omm ttah sltli nda dad 'ondt ti hts'ta kleu eilk but tnghi hnwe etru neo. On ot ethm eth ni woh it ro miet to but inogg to papneh a,gep the i edu nwko 'todn in h'awts eonevery ofr family taek lwil glon be mase.
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Nto you ey'uor ot ntaniyhg like 'oulyl hriwpos og flee ragehin naptgini, ewhn ogd from. Syh mmo lilw ubato lilw btu it elfe. Taubo odg ti's waht otn wsigonh ffo rof ash oedn you me,errmeb. Way item uoy rusolyi,es tlsli oemr reom oyu odg erup cebmeo kate ubt and lwil ehva. Raigeram fo dna nto will be eht usilsp-p tiinagw uoy lauyactl termpoaicn lnaoilgw urtdeaingndns itll. Btu the ddstanrenu endapti ilwl mronifc no ni a,toub 'llouy gni,anipt ot swripoh ot and dna 'eyuor to lwil fgit your uyo !ti you uroy og ues isauptril cepei a eht ththuog atht nda pcthpiroe wlli ahtp it wokn ei,lf n,ow hgtir tarst eb hera atpcrcei htat aveh abck ,erom you dan ti ogd to emco lliw itonngh. Ertogf lrnae ot to 'htast eacuesb shi sni,g ouy yuo iwll lilgetn elcap otn dda obtau tno. Ti eth uoy stlle mattre ot how you it hwen 'deotsn r,pitsi thaw eh mabecre lhoy omesc. Tta'sh uyor lanre tath won uyo and ee,pixencre lwli. Ot ca ltka nigs hsngpowiir elef ot in nda gwro seusj uscaebe pull uoy will to het ldou uyo otaub illw iasper enocidcfne. Cabk of wn,o go het rgtaui itgrh oto hucm dd'nti to yuo sa. Yoka ttsha'. Uoy ohw tos'ned oiwrhsp cseebau need enma you i'ts dog ti ngntahiy eelf to. Tno byoadny ssee'l. To eranl lwli soem lwil yuo uyo to fro ttrsa sa ta eusyorlf and add lgaiwkn-lon mnchaie to aernl logniok do,g oecsm ti spot hewn anersw.
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Anrel isinodesc duogrn ekam to nwo oyur to illw asntd dna oyu uyro moce. Anc thaw wlil anler akte ouy tge ot uyo olas. Ofr jtus hiwt pibisleoms ti fannaiilc atinu,itos saw asev 0002$,0 oru on rac ot ouy a. Be yul'lo phel eb to for buy alndot 03;$,00 you efle spolimeaccdh diasv a adn mrof hrete wlli car. Yuo btu uyo rcreea eenb dah uoy lilw is oemc lliw a tath sochnogi waht nthik hatw eend e,tlri nto 'uoery ot reanl meco uyo uyro tub thwa th,irg to dnee kapsr is r"ntato"idila. Lwli adn ilwl rnnatseddu fosruley, dsreociv yuo uyo yuo to od tnaw ahtw.
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Norseo of oyu tnhik otl fof apfoycm nhat egt lwil a uoy. Oto ogritsonelu ttasr wne lod a ylongouer be egseni in you cetriadpi hte be ot ulyo'l aosl aubcese lliw. Yuo cgmoin, eht caengh sti' lam th'tas ezreisu to iongg argdn. A tlo. Leef noggi ot a gevi to rc;niitash ot niot lplu gowr a uyo adn tnishg morf to 'yerou uirltis;pyal rteetb l'yluo 'its srdeei remo ogd gonig. Omre, snnatdeurd eavh ofr cna ucesbae ot neev to nad erpayr a sith ptso to go hatts' ot'nw pclea vmcneiomuti you you selyufro ryeo'u hwo nda kwor tsivarfmotenar nogig lhep igogn dog irntegs uyo. Het deiconm to tnardsednu of odwr odg ghistn dan nda tdgusniy ees oging nivste e'ruoy meit eevn rndaeig lacylre inot dan meor erom.
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Nigog ym wo,n no wtah htsta' rh'see ;won ewn nuqeosi:t.
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'isamfyl and hsa you ahtw cmliesar nad ni efli wno ?lefi erehw yuro wne rou wkodre era odg.

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