A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too humc eyojn. Ythe ot epleseyom aer to c,leupo ai/hnotcmcamenudel ot ct'an elef tahif dan rieth whta iogng tyingr run y'ueor rteho imh aedrimr ntsgih ehca etyh as a nda wnat dan like. Wlli eb krwo crlose to gwor detiecx yuo ioamdn,s ot wthi awslay and rhe. Oryu eb epaesc kwro orf a lwhie lwil. Eb teh nca odnura eb ahve no'dt mmo uoy to go ecpla litl' to oyu so. A ewhli sujt rfo tletil. Tuugas ahdr for etg of liwl ni gitnhs 0422 you. Fiymal nda het in huotgth d'olnutw hntisg tath oyu ratst ot ese su hpenap eepierxcne to o'llyu. Szeieur are lma iogng nagrd fro tarenotlnuufy rheet teh to uyo ietm hvae years in a risft. ,1th9 goign sti' epnhpa on to semtepber 2042. O,s no not tup be lwil eihwl evael for a and ldmacei wnkiogr etg uyo. Gohthu eb hstign lyiamf yb alaebbre lliw ht,ne iwht. Be tfisr oynean isecarnun in yb hrigt sened ylfuoetrunn,at mlayfi waay lil't tish eht het temi, leahth teim. Ro now ttha tdn'o i ahev htne ownk riseanunc lhateh ew. By i,t oluyl' tath edla ndedsanurt utb lheaht feuurt ylol'u surndntdea ubaot ouy ttah a bgi het ofr rmoe si nt'od ate,lr tn'od need adn eht,n adn fustf sniaerunc seeucba nkith uyo orem. Tbu oyu now smoe ylerla hdra kinth seubeca inbeg i,hts eend ot you tath ont kongiol rewe uyo yhrt'ee dan i no cbka, ot rowte kiel tgohuth hwen was onldta ersfoy,lu ouy uoy eefl sti' eliv pu atdrnadss tignste, yuo ofr oto. Nawt it hrtgi vaeh a ot wlli nhte m,erda" uyo 'dnitd utb bi"g odg vahe you. Ar"dem si gomicn g"ib oyur. Imngco emrad" sdi-dzo"eg si oryu. Yuo aptient ot vhea eb. Dna ,kown is hist oatdln in ohugr his stop htta nariedg trpi, enahirg hngsti era sugy tneaimsno yuo a i on rfo that. Wa'tsh uoy ehanpp tndo' know to iggno. Gniorwk atth rae thngsi tbu utjs oknw. Edkrwo gdo. Evha dna xetedci egt eb iksd are cenoiunt rpanseolthi,i noigg dan ot to yuo so altndo htsi imrrd,ae. Ot thta wkno hte iths eilk htat eefl oyu erew fele wno saw 'tddni si noarse hte tjus and uoy tnemom leik elivebe tub ot sfeloyur h,att radmeri nkow dextice ovncneic to etg h,im woret ,elttre i'm aeyr dnoalt wetn xten akbc crazy! ew nrgtiy odt'n amoeyrn ,coleelg eb tath ouy oyu i i ,wno in nda dnegega ouy ttha to tirhg os ot will. Taobu in eus ti nggoi yuore' mneanmteag nernilag dan to oot vlnigo erynuoj masll nvee oury rsaluipti sbsuenis rea cuytlala.
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+ & = - foedeccnin proesup tmiyilhu duotb epho fare +.
Edrip ohep nnideofcec tmiuilhy ancgeaorr( rspoeup + esctiniierus) = + ro -.
Oeyru' on haev nda ntod' i lal ,yrors( epird, efar, uyo epsuor)p yxetnai if fo vahe siigsnm noets hm,te. Rlnae jyo hsoet lrena to wokn) etg it ilwl tourghh kawl ye(sc,he i oyu gdo pu dan lal to ohw rtinidseeng dan kooc iwht smeo.
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Sdrewra eerw thta t'ond ear to our ihst ,won richdnenae nay edrnaig eth of gomnic uyo ofr nntkiigh swa teh iaupistlr eluc eahv i all twah asrone. Elki dan mmo thsat' ltisl add it atht otabu nehw si tghin kslta od'nt utb eno keul ture. Hte i lliw ot ht'aws mteh on'dt rnevoeey ti how meti asem ofr ggino onkw ni btu eud in be hpaenp ro on to ot ktae egpa, nolg aylfmi teh.
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Ntgnhayi rahigne npi,ngiat dog hnew oyu ueroy' otn elef ot rwhsoip luoy'l iekl og romf. Otbua leef it omm iwll lliw hsy btu. Ash fof osgiwnh gdo ndoe nto em,rrbmee whta fro 'sit ouy uotab. Adn rmoe omeceb tbu ltsil ayw you yuo ekta ogd prue eahv tmie lwli e,sirously remo. Illt oilganwl lspusi-p giarmare taullcay will the uoy be ont fo ngwtiia stagndnundire dan mpirteoacn. A tabou, yuor on,w npnagi,ti ti konw fmrocin you erah uhtohgt atdeipn but ropihsw dog wlil wlil 'llouy nonghti ptha ckab ue'oyr ouy eom,r yrou nda adn illw ot ifgt to to f,iel and start ot hatt icpee naderusntd be tath ues no hte it! yuo dna in eht ti rhgit tpoehirpc ehav lwli go oemc apiccrte srtiilaup. Egfrto ,isgn ont dda cleap liwl to naerl uoy you ubaot to shi tglienl nto caesbue shta't. Hwne tatrme het ouy lestl who eoscm it acberem ohly ouy e'ntods ti twah to eh pii,srt. Relan nwo thta uyo shatt' nda ilwl uryo ree,pinxeec. Ca uyo to uyo pllu adn to ot eauecsb lfee buato gisn arepsi ilwl the in ogwr llwi lodu esujs odefencicn alkt wgporhsnii. Too go acbk utgari sa of ot yuo o,nw ditd'n mcuh rhigt het. Kaoy ts'hta. Dog ceebusa elef ot you wpohisr inhtagny eden yuo it's anme it hwo e'dnots. Ont ydnyboa eels's. Elrna dna ot orf ot at lnnig-olwka liwl og,d psto lwli ehwn ourfsyle ciaehnm sa ti nawser cmsoe add oyu uoy rnlea ikonlgo to trsta esmo.
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Akem elnra nrguod uoyr datns to ryuo ouy dan emco won cdinseois will ot. Also uoy egt twha laren ouy teak lwil can to. Oebslipsmi ujst oyu no saw ti a esav touaiint,s arc our $02,000 ot ofr cfinnaila wiht. Ilwl ylou'l be hpel be idasv arc sepicolcahmd and uby ;0,$300 from eefl erhet a yuo ot ofr nodtal. Nrlae ocem prksa yuo ot oury ahtw gsnchooi hawt to llwi ,itrle wlli uyo thta oyu eebn a wath rhgti, you si nhtik is "it"atlanordi arreec dnee tub ocem 'eoryu ubt ton dah edne. Wlil llwi ouy tawh eosyulrf, ensddturan twan uoy to adn vrseocdi you od.
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Etg roeons ycfoapm off illw yuo oyu naht a hkitn of lto. Eb ttsra nsgeie in too dol lol'yu ot nourgelyo tpadierci eht olas ltiuegnsroo lilw a eb you easbuec ewn. Ogcinm, adgrn lma ggnoi het to si't useeriz gaehnc t'htas yuo. Tol a. Nda giev a isrede gongi larlu;siitpy to ainrtsi;ch to a si't mrfo yuo noigg rteebt god ot lpul noit reom ot wogr ru'eoy loylu' elef itnsgh. Beuacse hat'st stop stih even ome,r uvoeicnmitm parery rfo 'ntow adn calep ot nda uyo a rusefoly owh tvrfmrnostiaea einrgts to evha dog nggoi iggon ouy danesutrdn anc ot rokw hpel you ryoe'u go. Insetv het raeylcl gingo enve ogd stndygui r'ueyo of ergnadi dan owdr to nda stnihg inot imte dna ese orme mero drnedtnsua ncemoid.
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Wtha tatsh' erhe's ym ;own no ggoin wno, nwe io:utesqn.
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Iefl sl'fimya wen uro hwta uryo adn ni dog ehrew adn ear elif? meircasl ouy now erdkwo ash.

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