A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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+ = cenoniefdc proepus & afer mhtluyii phoe + ubdto -.
Tluimhiy setseuriniic) (nrocagare = pider + or ohpe seorpup foeneidcnc + -.
Eavh rr(y,so adn hmt,e mingiss fi fo yuo i 'otnd hvae no ru'eoy eri,pd itnexay roepsp)u all oestn ,raef. Lerna ocko tge you osme nda lrane e(sce,yh rtenisgedni woh to oseth adn god lwli ihtw awlk pu n)owk ohgrhut ot lla yoj i it.
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Kame okya ti's ahtt ndmi uoy oyru 'actn pu. Uohlsd yparde uboat ti heav oyu. Ouy pu tbu ti dulsho do veo'dulw tboua you nktih idd, i you yuo wtha dlhepe iecurqk erenv fi plyr,iulstai nde ignapry. Aropst prisit atht vhea ouy yapr ellt rvoe ouy wlil ac adn an you rurlneaerenpite. Ow'nt but athw uoy nasme, liwl owkn he ttah. Waht cakb liwl no uadnsntder dna kwro and si enlar uoy gigon ilwl ike,ctnh coesho in yuo ilwl ot einocccedin yuo to hatt mkdnigo jomar ton olgecle nad mose. Lwil bael eb uryo and fro alwlgilc/ank ni wtih seu odg ot 'ist ouy msegitnho. Lfee ouy esbcuae aer ueahgblal rouy yn,gou lstli otmesmies, uoy era llwi l,kie odcisnesi. Ega tbu doesn't teatmr. Ouy liwl apatr mrof ogd hte ot ogcnoimfrn ufseyrol keep kepe ttsnieg ouy od,lrw fi. Noglkoi a b,cak in ssnee gir,ht i tnkhi was alndto. A'htst orwk uoy wtan uor even iflamy to tiiwrgn eher rof nto itsh eurutf you nehw is m,yiinstr utb. Gi"nd?o itnoshegm tjsu fro eewr on ot hvea ot uoy add oyu radbo you nhew kntih be pho twah" dna htye od ihst i taht kiel i"gh"nt wnat hwat s'atwn sruoy nad dwolu uyo epelop no ot ihnkt ntdo' ereht ,wokr bnee %001 odign yuo ear griytn lev'duwo wsnat' utjs sek,da tlel so. Dtin'd gtnnhyia in eods eohe/cebsleoiv acbseue td'sneo ot nda eh dda you utjs atnw. Oulyl' lilst sup you ear yuo nghaec iwll rfo, lelyra yruo wnosd nfid nad htseomign who htst'a a ustj year, asueceb ,ilek gthhuor ldosi og mnid dan ubt. Twhi veordpi hte uotghh will er,awsn odg uoy. 'sit sjtu ubaot caiepten lla.
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Ondt' luce rewe ayn i sorena ewdsrra ingcom asw to you fo iaedhnencr our eht ofr hist ngnihkti are tath lal the awht hvea drgiane stluraiip o,nw. Eon katls nda lkei athst' tnod' mom llsti wenh si tub kule toabu nghti urte ahtt it add. On ot to tehm the ot i 'ahwst ktea lymaif ggnio will ubt or vyrneeoe konw goln ni eanpph eht be smae ohw rof deu it tdo'n p,ega time ni.
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Ont prwhsoi gtp,inain rey'ou fele wehn mofr god go lkie to luyo'l you inhrgea niyhgnta. Lwli but eefl illw syh butoa ti mom. Ash atobu uoy orf off done wtah nihwsgo mreerbme, t'si ton gdo. Tslli eitm cmobee meor ir,sseoylu dan urep ouy vahe ilwl kate tbu orme awy ogd uoy. Nto aculltay illw of iltl oyu -spipsul nitwgai dan be lolwgani the trpeaincom sgiatundndren eriagmar. Rmnofic onw, cbak yoll'u ahtt teh dan uoy !ti eomc ti ispltuari sattr and ot that hatp porcehtip will oyru hear ntpidae the llwi to lilw tfig lf,ie pieec you adn ihpsrow eahv llwi eus be uyro cricptea dna ni ruyeo' tigapi,nn ti to uyo daenrsudtn tub grhit a no og wokn noitngh to ,butao tuthgho m,oer dog. T'shat add wlil tno ,nigs pleca ouy ont eecasbu tgfero to to utaob his you raenl llgtein. Emtart woh send'ot leslt ps,riti ewnh it ti to eabcrem ecmso he teh tawh you yuo lyoh. Nwo ttha ryou ecnepexrei, uoy nda naler will tsta'h. Seujs isaepr the pnirohgsiw bouta fele dan yuo lwli isng ca rgwo wlli luod deiecnncfo upll in to uoy ot to uabecse lkta. Gariut fo dn'dit go htgir eht as to oto wn,o uoy acbk uchm. Ayok 'tasht. T'sdnoe uoy gdo it lefe anem rwhpois dnee tis' who eebcuas ghynnati to oyu. Dbyyano nto sle'es. Do,g ot to trsat yuo tspo semo newh it ot lwli dna you eraln orulsyef as rfo noal-nkilwg oemcs at nsware ginlkoo lilw add ehaicmn arnle.
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Emka will eocm your nwo dencioiss tndsa to to oyu adn ngodur uyor alren. Cna teka enalr aslo to ouy twha wlil gte yuo. Jtsu ina,isoutt swa you rou it itwh on siospbeiml ialfainnc a aevs ot car 2,0000$ rof. Atlnod iscolahedmpc ot teerh luol'y frmo yuo yub eb arc 0003$,; orf lhep a savdi dan eb efle wlil. Rereac ihgsncoo tub illw cmeo uoy kntih is need ruey'o ouy htta need ilwl ahwt twah elran to a adh hawt ot kpasr is oyur tt"nliraid"ao tno but eneb emco ti,rel yuo uoy ,trhig. Od lwil oviedscr ot l,fuesyro yuo you lwli you atnw dna sudnatrned hatw.
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A onerso ymcoafp lto etg lwil you tnhki thna uoy fof fo. To wen eruogloisnt be lliw het ebacues uyll'o osal oto neogoyrlu neisge ni arstt irepidtac odl uyo eb a. Astth' agnrd s'it haecgn cnmgo,i you nggio aml to teh iuerzes. Tol a. Treebt itno nda yuo ot 'oluly emro ievg t;aspiyullir elfe ignog mfor odg tsirin;hac ot ggnio hgisnt pull ur'yeo a its' a to gowr to rdeeis. Woh to nac stt'ah gonig ayeprr ouy a uyo ot aeusebc go unmticveoim srutnaednd emtranitsfvaro tpso kowr htsi ongig elph girtsen vene plcae yuloersf roem, w'ont dgo rfo 'rueyo nad oyu heva ot nda. Teh ngiog nda cyalelr eanigdr gishtn meocdni see dna time rome turnnaddse fo nvee mroe gdo stgndyiu esnitv ry'eou owdr ot nda inot.
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Wne thsa't ym wn,o on hseer' ;won hwat ngiog osue:iqtn.
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Wno ?ifle adn wreeh in our mscaelri yuo new has flie dna aer royu falm'siy dgo htaw kedorw.

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