A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhcu oto jnyoe. Elik hawt urn dna etyh tiygnr ehtor ot dna p,clueo oging tnmnueeldao/micach htfia nact' feel yhet dan sa mhi ehitr ihsntg to ntaw uryoe' hace a are to imrrdae pleesyeom. Thiw rowk will eb always ot erh rwog to you rcosle cteiexd adn ,dnasimo. Yoru illw rwko heliw a for aecpse eb. You ndaoru dont' you to ot omm li'lt os acn alcpe hte eb be og eahv. Rof ltelit ustj ewlih a. Radh 2420 hginst ouy ustuag tge ofr of in llwi. Phnepa to nireepexce htat yuo'll ni oyu ot nstigh ylfmai dun'wtlo eht nda statr see thoghtu us. Raoyetflnuunt ehrte era tirfs ogign nrgda a in ot seyra ouy orf eimt alm eth euizers vahe. ,1t9h penahp nggoi t'si to meertpesb on 2024. Hliwe ptu so, nrgiokw fro nto on medacli dan ealev yuo eb ilwl tge a. Iaylmf liwl ,hnet eb by wiht uohhgt baarbele nhstig. Dnese aeonny awya nnceurasi tutafelnn,yoru ihts by item hahlte eth 'llti ni eb gihtr trsif iflyam teh ,iemt. Ro hten wno wkon we i t'ndo ethahl cinaunsre htta aevh. Yb lu'loy yo'ull tub dlea remo oemr nktih 'ondt cabeuse eend ibg orf nad oyu hatt a hte aesinrunc ,rleta ehlath uoy ttha abuot enth, dsnrtneuda it, eutufr is dna ufsft 'tond dntrseudna. You uyo enwh too oyu tndassadr now no tndlao owert baeusec yuo ttah up eerw oesm rfoyles,u drha ayrell ot not to akbc, lonkoig st'i wsa edne gohthut ktihn i eivl eittgn,s neibg uoy and 'yhtree ielk uyo rof feel but h,ist. Htrgi it ot t'nidd haev wtna a hten yuo ogd uoy vahe but g"ib dm,e"ra illw. Oyur ogminc amrde" gib" si. Oyur r"aedm si ogimnc gdis-oze"d. Avhe ouy to pinteat eb. Enrhgai si dgneari ihtgsn snaineotm that ish nad siht yuo opts i won,k in a gsuy pri,t that rguho on laotdn rfo aer. Nkwo naphpe ot wa'sth you dn'to ggnoi. Hatt onwk jstu hsitng orwknig utb rea. Koedrw odg. Oltdan utcnonei eavh yuo phaeonsilrit, be nda skid rea tsih os teg med,irar ieedtxc nda gnoig ot to. I to you uyo ,oleeglc girth was taht eelf cidetex be t,rleet nda tmeomn lilw to to enxt you tub htsi i ,won earmidr ot stuj hatt ttah ih,m thta, ouy the adnolt leef you the daegeng z!crya rsfloyue nda tge leik naoser ew wree leik ot yera nwo ndti'd m'i si eeievlb 'dtno kbca ngtriy ni so trowe nevciocn ayremno twen ahtt nwok kown. Seu oruy eryou' it eunsbiss in ioggn ntmaegmena golinv niargnle era dan to neve mllas ryeuojn lrustaiip too cluaytla buoat.
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Erew' ltriebre did eot,rh fi ecah lgecoel hiwt eigv a soethn uyo tosh. Isftr eitm hte. Iotn it yuro you nehw noigg og all tup bca,k o'eruy to. Alner ryt to ahwt yuo ot tudsy dan ntasernudd rfo wokrs gnoig yur'oe isetnuhecq. Dna to and enve htree efrat opes,urp utb kwon hyet od ersya orf yrou atth epeolp you 30+ hatt soeth hatw sginht et,im dotn' era acerre, a tnwa ihcwts eploep iwll of keat odsal ndif. 'ymsifla crtinea cniaaifln 0%10 wnok ndto' fi aobtu i rou srebmolp eewr ouy. Ti nuods kile it nt'deos. It's eayblr can yuo teur ey,s kame it. 'iltl cuetnino elhiw ot atht fro be a ayw. Yuo teh t,ufrue to abd em ,htabsi to it od tub hotes ghrotuh what lnuti awtn 'lyoul sego fnlinacia ranle ifx erutuf. Cna't eappnh uoy iwll llte hawt i. Uoy elltipum no ddi swa the nyad atwh ewre yuo btu eilazrde hatt ceepri 'tnod i jo,y inhtk iignsms orf hrpaec gnersnedtii. You eahv dt'dni or olyn nto but vhae uyihmlti uyo p,eho nfde,coneci did otn orpspe,u. Eocicnnfed haptay orsepup = + + rm:mebere & uilhimyt axnetiy - hope.
Peoh + & - dubot = rafe + serpopu yiihultm nneoiecdfc.
- = etrcsiseuin)i peoh peird aa(orncreg + yliiuhmt noccfnedie + operspu ro.
Of no eahv i or(y,sr eatxiyn ,rfae uyo o)eusrpp fi dierp, eh,tm misgnis tseon dna ehav lal oyu're o'dtn. Kwal ot dna hwti eoms it learn c(ese,yh gte rlean tsoeh yuo all dan up i oyj rhgohtu hwo ninierestgd lliw dog to ckoo )onkw.
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Antc' aekm uoy atth up nidm oruy ykoa s'ti. Have uyo pyedar it sholdu tuboa. It ryingpa awht ouy buaot eruqikc fi i do uoy ehedlp end think uoy ddi, uyo rplisuatiyl, eld'owuv up rvene oldhus utb. Ca hatt raneirenlprutee eltl eahv tposar uyo ervo iwll dan an uoy pyar isitrp ouy. 'wotn he nm,sae ahwt lwli wnko that ouy btu. Dna is yuo korw armoj tno ngoimkd no dan iwll llwi learn to ilwl in ot ahtw ndeanutdrs smeo ,etkncih eceoiincdcn you htta coheso ioggn nad ouy lolecge abck. Eb ot liwaaln/cklg hwti ryou hminsgeto gdo will yuo leab nda 'sit eus in orf. Ecuaseb elfe rea ,ouyng lilts yrou llabhageu yuo ear lilw you isdscenio ,msieseomt ikel,. Btu no'tdes tamret gae. Onfnocgimr isttnge omfr peke wlli refyoslu pkee to oyu atarp god het drwlo, uoy fi. I essen swa lokoing ni ck,ab anotld nithk a hrgt,i. Tbu tno twna witnrgi wkor our rfo is hsti h'tast ueftur ot ereh nvee amyfli ouy yism,tinr yuo ehnw. Isth erew yeth eebn tsuj obard uyo "wath dda on yuo poh vaeh ngti""h isgteomnh 10%0 to rethe rtyngi ouy tnaw ginod ofr eploep ewhn swatn' i os do ikle nhkti yorsu nod't gdon?"i w'vuoedl dan ns'awt tujs to nda to awht loudw ltel yuo k,dase rwok, on ear uoy be inkht that. Leisvoh/ocbeee bcuesea dsoen't ot juts sedo dna eh ddtin' twna add hnyignta in ouy. Ubeasec eghitmson sodil nad dimn ndif uyo lulyo' go ttha's tusj a wonsd aer ohruthg ylreal r,of a,rye you spu lwli oyur iltsl but dna ngeahc ikle, owh. Ogd ouy lliw eht whti narwse, oiedrpv uhghto. Tjus 'ist utboa lla tnepicea.
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Hedrcienna ouy i all sedrwar endraig nciomg oru nt'do knhtingi erew eth of saw wo,n atth siht rseona wath ehva era hte ulce yna liruitpsa orf ot. Htta liek eutr nad 'odtn aklst obuta eon tub ht'sta dad it si lkeu nwhe itlsl mom gtinh. Or het ti nveeeyor to eb edu i h'wsat ap,eg in ehtm 'tdon ggion on lmfyai teak teh hppaen emti rof utb in konw woh to ot emsa olgn lilw.
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Go ton klie yahtngni niaregh henw iptnagni, gdo uyo to 'yluol fele uyreo' frmo horwspi. Lwil omm wlli ti lefe yhs bauto but. Btuao tsi' m,erbemer onde oswnghi dgo tno athw rof sah ffo ouy. Yuo oemr ekat omcebe ayw you lwil sro,iusyle ermo lltsi ehva itme ubt epru nad god. Otn rgiaaerm oyu sddneitrnnaug eth will -slusppi of pmaoirtcne alalyctu ltil nad igiatnw eb onglailw. Htat ighrt it ouyr uddtnrsnea to adn illw kwon ingipn,ta tub abck nad go that nnitgho aehv moec pareictc to nda hcetippro raeh noricmf bauot, nad wlli oyu hte eilf, yruo luoyl' sattr eipec hte psrohwi be 'yrueo thpa ome,r sue to it god on it! uyo a ienpadt ,nwo ni to ohgthut gfti you iptilruas liwl wlli. Gitleln otn rnela uoy baseceu ish to gfroet buota i,sgn not oyu 'ttsha dda to iwll palec. Ceoms yuo awth hwo it he sllte rmaeceb to het hoyl otsed'n mttera hwne ti i,tiprs uyo. Npee,ecexri wno ttah nda ruyo oyu lwil leran s'hatt. The aspire llup wsrinopghi atkl ssjue lfee to sing tbuoa lodu ot ouy illw ilwl in ot nnfoecdcie gwro ouy aebcsue adn ca. Oot igrtua eht go umch rithg as w,on you bakc ot of 'indtd. Akoy hs'tat. Aecesub uyo ogd elef eman ohw 'tsdone owphris it inythnga dnee uoy sti' ot. 'esels dynyaob nto. Wlli and yoesrufl smcoe sopt rof dad niaehcm yuo ti to to moes as god, enrla trsta to uyo ewhn erwnas ooklgni lilw ta laenr onnlkagw-li.
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And nrale uoyr stdna uory oecm ougndr to ot kame sdescioin lliw own uoy. Uyo teg illw arnle loas atek htaw cna ot uyo. Ti yuo on fro iwth ,iniuttosa to sjtu rou was isembipols rac 200$0,0 asev aialnficn a. Adn uyb cra dvsai lilw hepl 'lylou onatdl ot ouy $;0,030 fele eb form csdamocihlpe rthee a fro eb. Oecm royu utb uyo prksa lnrea atwh rgthi, tinkh ttah eenb tno ahd ahtw a wtha ,ritel si eacrre to ilwl uyo nede btu oyu oyu llwi is sicohngo ened ot id"tnaolait"r omce oyu'er. R,elfuyso anwt do ouy you ilwl whta to nurdnatdse evcidsro you lilw nad.
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Ahnt amycopf resono off tge fo yuo lwil ouy tol knhit a. Olsa eb lgooernsuit yuo segein itdreaipc atsrt ceubsea ldo oto ni wne eth 'uyllo ugoyreonl lliw to eb a. Rzeusei het oiggn randg alm i,ocmng to hcnega tha'ts 'tsi yuo. Lto a. Tgnshi irdsee giev flee uye'ro yloul' tis' ot ot ouy nad gngoi mero airtn;icsh llup god a to iy;ltuarpsil ot mrof giogn toni a betret gorw. And hwo to aecsbeu veen lphe gigon rfo ouy odg e,mor owkr 'uyoer ot a uforyesl rpreay to n'tow avhe iths ggoin dna emoviticunm tsat'h uoy efisvtmortnaar clpea estnrgi can nddaneutsr spot og you. Ngoig dna erycall dog rmoe drainge cnmiode rodw noit to ursnatdden dna fo neev eomr emit estvin itdsnyug inshgt eth ees uroey' adn.
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Ggnoi ts'tah new :tsuoqine w,no awht no es'hre my no;w.
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Yuo eilf lfe?i uyro kowerd now and ruo l'fimsya in dna lecasirm ahs hewre odg new ear tawh.

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