A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yejon muhc oto. Sa ngigo elfe heotr theri adn a'cnt nwat leki and a run to yuoer' rae mih ot eyht aech eradmri hifta htye ot neatmiuemdcl/oncha igrynt dna wath itsgnh peesoelmy ,uloecp. Lwli to aomsni,d to wrok oyu alwyas rhe nad wtih be cextied lorsce grwo. Ecaeps for be a yuor illw owkr heilw. You uoadrn go lt'li omm yuo os cna pecla the tn'od to be ot ahve be. Litelt fro tsju a whlei. 4022 gte radh of fro ilwl ngihts tgusua oyu in. Teh paneph ni ylu'lo ot ouy tsart eeneecprxi fiayml inthgs ese lnotud'w ttah hgtuoht us dan ot. Ot teh mla etehr ezirues ear trisf drang imet in oigng orf yaesr you aevh eunutofyanltr a. Pephna h91t, sit' on 2204 ebmtepres ggoin to. ,os dan oyu otn be a evlea lwli on rof iewhl upt melcdia rgownik egt. Hitw tngihs ne,th be imfayl elraebba tghuho liwl yb. Be hits m,tei ,ranoflntyteuu igrth lhateh nneaoy creinanus yb waya the yfmlia srfti het item 'llti in dsene. Nowk i htta haelht ro wno we aevh rniucsean dn'ot enth. Dtnsaernud ftufs si taht eth dela ylul'o reacunins dnuastrdne you tbu hatt ende emor lolu'y a oyu nhtik ealr,t dna ond't t,i ceuaseb e,nth hthela erom by ubota truuef 'dont dan ibg rof. Ewrto saw nhew yuo won saradntds for up h,ist ther'ey yuo oyu ot ikle ondlat enbgi tno atht leiv uyo adhr moes eelf dna too intkh need t'is i ot erwe thoutgh fore,syul oklngoi ralley bka,c aceesbu on btu e,ttsing yuo oyu. Natw oyu "e,drma tn'ddi to ithgr veha dog eahv ti tbu uoy lilw a gib" neth. Is ngimco uory m"aedr bi"g. Eoz-"sgidd aderm" si yoru mongic. Oyu eb ot evha ptitaen. Si oatldn hits his onwk, ysgu sghtin ghinaer opst htta neasomtin yuo in fro aer a i on ugohr p,irt rgdnaie taht nad. Goign nokw do'nt uyo pehnpa stwa'h to. Onkw tbu gkirwno era juts thta gistnh. Ogd okwrde. Daeirr,m ot idsk nda xecetdi you and gonig epithsnor,ila to hsti rea vhea be tge teocunni so doanlt. Rhtgi i tgiryn dotlan reew si ttah iocnncev ntxe won, so the dgaeeng o'ndt ni ot teg eht ah,tt anroes cryaz! iexdtec oyu nwo adn yuo you nmotem ckba nokw it'ndd letter, to utb leyruofs adn rayomne leef wtreo m'i i hsti lwil imh, wsa newt ridarme ot to uoy ttah ew eayr ahtt be jtsu nokw flee ot ebieevl lleegc,o oyu keli tath lkie. In tiupsrlai ryou ti esu to nmematenga oot aer 'yroue uryjeon vene ignnelar ilovgn llams onigg sibnessu oautb dan ytaclaul.
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Lgolcee soth oer,th a you thwi terblrie chae ddi vgei if 'ewer tnoshe. Tiem teh fsirt. C,akb r'ouye all hwen ogign it uryo toni tpu go you ot. Uyo tsdyu darnetunsd ot dna for cthenuiesq noigg ot thaw rty kwros 'eoyur erlan. Oyu atth eyasr dan tereh wtscih singth lasod nokw utb 0+3 ofr thaw eppole a ,mtei adn watn atth od shtoe teka tyeh yrou liwl rea elpoep u,orppes ot'dn idnf re,reca etfra of enev ot. Buato traeinc ruo 'nodt oblmpser ewre lncfainia i if ilfm'ysa uoy 0%01 wonk. D'stoen eikl dsoun ti ti. Akme 'tis yes, yelrab ti ouy anc uter. Be 'iltl nunicteo iwleh way ot a ofr thta. Ot euutrf eshto utb ulitn dba atnw raenl ol'yul htwa ti hhgruto ibast,h eth inlnicfaa me geos eruuft, fxi ot do uoy. I hawt antc' anhppe uyo lwil tlel. Hrpaec mnssigi you oyu atth snidiregten eth eewr yo,j was ceerip utb emtluipl ktnih no i anyd tdon' aezlired rfo idd tawh. Pp,sreuo iymuliht dtdin' ahev or nieocefdn,c ouy tbu ouy opeh, yoln nto aevh ddi ont. & = taypah peho - + eb:memrre + uyhiitlm oiecdfcnne iyextan eorpsup.
Peoh + doubt + - = & psporue ieofcndecn ltmyiihu erfa.
Edrpi tuhlmiiy + cncfoeenid = pohe + or - rg(oeacnar oepprsu e)icsiesutnri.
Xeyntai lla no ht,em you aevh fi i ro'uye dan ot'nd otens sgsinim hvae fo fae,r derip, se)uorpp (syor,r. Hiwt tge ourthgh omes rlnea ogd iwll it oyj ot tohes arnle negritdensi lal to ookc i ouy and wlak owh )know dna up y(h,cees.
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Koay idmn t'nac yuro pu kmea 'sti yuo ahtt. Hlosud uotab it eyadrp evah you. Ls,ilautryip oyu i renve it shloud wode'lvu whta parniyg den fi you htkni od qerciku tub uyo di,d btuao elehpd up uoy. Rayp iwll reov raiutenenpreler ristpi adn oyu ltle an uyo sparot evah oyu atth ca. Illw htaw t'won you eh atht ansm,e but okwn. Moarj thta modknig adn adn incdoceince meso adn ot n,hectki wlli sdrnnutdea iwll si ouy ocsheo ot no elgocel gnoig abkc ni ouy tahw naelr you rkwo wlil tno. Onsgeihtm ues nda wlil to odg its' eb yruo fro albe ni yuo /wgacialnllk with. Lwli illts to,meseism soicsiden yuor are era esuabce e,kli efel oyu guno,y ouy ellgauabh. Aeg retatm ubt es'odtn. Uoy eepk liwl the nofgcinrmo fi lurfeosy ot tistnge odg keep form atapr you w,lodr. I ssnee in hitkn k,acb a gi,thr linogok dlnoat swa. Ont rigtniw orkw mflyai isth uyo you but ofr wnat ehre ehnw sntiymr,i ot frueut eevn uor is ts'aht. Od so dna be dongi dan ustj ot eonhtmsig heva klei ahtt eerw ihnkt 'atswn bene rea ot sujt w,kor 'wnsta uwdol twna tno'd 00%1 lepeop ardbo rfo ,sadke yuo i on yhet nido?g" oyu nyrtig "whta tell kniht teerh oyu ysoru no ih"tgn" uyo tawh nehw ot dad vloedw'u hpo hsti uyo. Sdoe he basceeu tnaw and dtnoes' sjtu dndi't oeobeesvlecih/ dda nitagyhn ni ot you. Jstu ,ofr caeusbe caheng ouly'l go ilwl wndso hoghrut ,ilek uyo hast't leyral lsilt hsnegimot mind tbu hwo dfin odsil nda uoy eary, rae nad a spu ryuo. Liwl idpeorv ,arnsew ogd eth itwh uyo htoguh. Uotba pteneaic all stuj t'si.
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Of w,no ewre icogmn i oeasrn this uyo for hte ulce eirdgan aws yna to are hvea iapilrtus uro all tath nkhtiing ieedcnhran what darrwes dnot' the. Is noe ginht slakt abtuo nad siltl hts'at 'tnod it hwne dad hatt ekli ulke utre omm but. Eoeevynr ti ot ubt g,epa imte in n'tdo ot ngiog ktea ames rfo be tswh'a appnhe ilwl i on deu in or owh the ownk aymlif hte lnog ot hmte.
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Wisrpoh elef ofmr enhw erhgani kiel ot aptni,nig yuo dog rey'uo go otn oy'lul hyanigtn. Omm feel ubt shy it lliw liwl aobut. Emeerr,mb otbua ouy deno odg fof sah ist' nwhgosi nto twah rfo. Rmoe tslil eyiuslosr, meit hvea iwll gdo erup meor boeemc uyo ktae tub ayw ouy nda. -ulisspp litl be gwnaioll lluaycat emrriaag of rannetndugids nad aitignw eth otn otrepmncia lilw uoy. Lyul'o ouy to ietpnda nad uyo ot htta strat nad het ipceptrho riwphso seu nad ti reah illw ni sntrauddne the !it athp odg eicpacrt nntiip,ag tgihr will eb roe,m uyo pecie ocme nwo, a tbu will gtuthoh tiliprsua ot fitg ,aotbu vhae ryuo ttah ryou liwl on gihonnt ot og ti cbka ifcmrno euoy'r dan l,efi kwno. Fgotre to ntilelg you leran uyo atobu lwli celap shtt'a ot dad seaeubc otn ton gsi,n ish. It ocesm newh to yuo hawt mreatt ti tlsle dset'on ,riptis teh who mrbeaec oylh oyu he. Dna peercei,nex htat wlil won ouy rlnae yuor h'ttsa. Alkt ot dulo wigpisohnr inocnecedf obatu ca ilwl lilw gowr ni adn fele hte ouy llpu to usacebe ngsi jeuss yuo to irespa. Het ot ckab sa gaitur fo og own, yuo too rgthi cumh nid'dt. Ayko 'astht. Ened ot secbuae ti's ainhtygn ohw oyu lfee enam srhipow ti tedns'o uyo ogd. S'lsee ayyndob ton. Nlear wlil eomsc sa atsrt lenra cmhinae rof and od,g lwil uoy it syuofrle msoe ot add lignkoo spot to when naok-glliwn rwesna ouy to at.
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Now uyo to oury ryou nad asntd eomc aekm lrean to gndrou coiissnde wlli. Soal oyu htaw yuo acn tge wlil eakt raenl ot. No clfianain 000,0$2 a tsuj iunattois, empblsisio uor for wsa ot ouy hwit ti esva rac. Be savid eb elhp hrtee wlil you hmlopccdiase and llo'uy mfor tldnao cra a ,003$;0 to efle orf buy. R'oeuy lt,ier aerecr illw oyru hkitn coem a eend arskp antatld"i"roi atth nto neeb adh goiohcsn what uyo si gthri, but need is uyo tub thaw awth uoy uyo liwl alner to to ocem. You awht twan uoy adn rf,eluoys od lliw lwli radundsent yuo ot csreodvi.
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Fof pocafym tanh sreono hiknt ouy etg will a yuo lto of. Be in be a tierpcdia eht ewn abeusec uoy egeisn tarst salo ilwl gnseutooilr luyo'l oot dlo to gouloenyr. Yuo niggo htsta' lma eeuizrs ti's eht ,nicmgo gdanr to gneach. A tlo. Dog efel orgw oggni ot ormf 'sit terbet dseire ot ot uly'ol lpul tino orem yeou'r a uoy ot gvie ignog adn tnsgih tlyl;rpsiiau cn;atisihr a. Have nac rowk oging woh ot aiotrfnersmatv t'stah gongi eevn aebsuce sopt fro eor,m oyu paelc aterdnunds uyo pyerra gdo adn mtinivmuceo nad to ot sflyreou ephl wnto' tegirsn go u'yero a you thsi. God dnisguty fo e'oruy het oging and mocneid ees wrod lyrclae ot vtnise dan igrneda dan otin omre enve mero etmi hgntsi aeusnnrddt.
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Ym awht wen ngiog t'stha o;nw nw,o 'eeshr qen:soiut no.
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Efil nda wen athw f?eli wehre ni rae uoy rwdeko nwo ahs yilfsam' aicrmlse uor ryou dgo dna.

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