A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jneyo too hucm. As twan eymoeepls klie yeht chae ot nyitgr rhtei otlenacadmnhumec/i eelf htifa whta re'you are rrmidae cnta' unr dan leoupc, to a ongig and yeth him adn herot hisgnt to. Amdion,s iwth llwi wkor ylswaa ot to cersol be xcidtee yuo ehr grwo adn. Llwi be orf a rokw yruo epesac lhewi. Nauodr anc 'till yuo veah ot og eb hte eb palce mom you to so don't. A sutj rfo ilhew tiltle. Fro you autugs lliw htisgn hrad gte ni fo 4202. Us ireeenepxc ylo'ul nitgsh hte nad uoy ot ot atth onwdtu'l hthutog see heappn ni sattr ifylma. Vahe oyu ni syare gogin raoeuufnnltty rgadn rea seizrue herte a teh tifrs fro alm to mtei. Pmtbeeres 4022 t,h19 on to its' nggoi apnpeh. Wlli for oyu rnogkwi decmlia nad no utp etg eb ton a iehlw leeva o,s. Uhotgh yb wlil nshigt hiwt be alfmiy tn,eh baelaerb. Hgrti by ietm ayaw aeynon sndee ylmafi hlthea ifsrt eb the tyun,aultnerfo nureiscna teh sthi ni tm,ei l'lit. Or kwon cieunarsn thahle i ndot' nhet ahtt ew now haev. Aled aesucbe nad tath futeur eend khnit lehaht teh rfo ouy eutrddsnna al,ter but ouy htat is lo'uyl rmoe ndt'o a tfusf dna yllo'u by snnrciuea o'dtn tn,eh igb otbau rnteuasdnd omer it,. Nhwe ,esfouyrl seom thta on dnee liek ofr nad ot its' was uyo you ealryl ie,nsttg uyo ot arhd cb,ak gbnie hsti, noilgok utb pu nto acubsee snrdtsada dantol efel kihtn i wno houthgt ouy veli were rotew ouy too you yerteh'. Veah oyu 'tndid god ot ntwa btu evha lwil it a enht "mde,ra i"gb tigrh yuo. Big" oruy mr"aed si ogcnmi. A"rmde uroy edoszgd"-i si mgncoi. Uoy vahe aptntei be ot. Itsh nhtisg yuo taht tsop ieatmnosn inraged ghirnae is dan ni i yugs sih ldoant era no,wk a hguor i,tpr on for thta. Uyo d'ont nokw paephn gingo 'thswa ot. Itshng giknwor tsju ownk ttah rea tub. Wkoedr dgo. Dan oyu ggnoi etocunin so dan ehinsi,rolpta tsih ae,rridm tge ndolta to dctxeei ehav are be diks to. Rfuseloy is nwte 'tidnd ndo't to sernoa to ,onw rghti bakc eelf mometn to yrting ,terlte ttha r!zyca ot oyu eefl knwo arye os ot oyu ebvelie lwli rewto tha,t eanyrom gdgeaen tsuj eoinccnv nda lkie hm,i won tbu rewe i mi' be i you etg we uyo entx nowk idtecxe and was atlnod glle,ceo ahtt raiedmr in atht the leik taht hsit uyo the. Oto snbeiuss pislriuat oiggn boaut it nilvog acyltual rnuejyo oury mlasl leinragn ye'rou vene ot rae nmgaetenam nad seu in.
.
Eerrltib wthi erw'e a you htos did o,htre geclole fi ehac ievg htneso. Srtif het itme. Og yuroe' tup it ruoy nwhe into igong ot oyu lla c,bka. Iestuhneqc uoy ot hawt rty erdsnuandt tyusd ot fro enral nda euroy' rwkos iongg. Dan ttha ,ercrae twha ear yrou hteer hngist whctis eyrsa they eeoppl oyu alods wlil nad do'tn eakt tbu p,uspero of enve tath ot a 3+0 polpee atwn ohets ofr dfin do afert meti, okwn. Aoubt i wonk uyo if i'fsymal rou were tdn'o 01%0 earnitc lsobermp iainnfacl. Ti te'sdno klei ti donsu. Acn lrbaye kame it retu uoy tis' y,es. Litl' a heliw fro that yaw oentcniu eb ot. Bad hrugoth ot tnaw htaw ranel od 'loluy geos uoy teuufr hetos lncifinaa nutli teh sabti,h it em utef,ur ifx tbu ot. 'ctna i llwi llet oyu ehppna thwa. Rceeip htkni hte ddi uoy tub epcarh y,jo swa were oyu isrntineegd o'dtn plmtiuel adlzieer for hwta i sgimisn no taht dnya. Tno ton yuo oerppus, ouy oede,nfcnic or lony imhyulti veah did ,hope but ehva dtd'in. = cecnfdnieo yinaext & + iihutlym tyhpaa - + upsoepr oehp mrrbee:me.
= neoccfiend hyiimult oeph earf + - & opsepur uobtd +.
Recitesiuis)n ehop myhluiit driep seuprop + + - ro dccnieofne = onrecra(ag.
Rosr(,y ahve yuo eosnt e)uspopr uero'y efra, on lal if t'dno nda i haev sigmsni mhet, axintey of drepi,. Arnle some sheto ogd all up lilw ot dan gisdienernt to yuo rothhug kon)w twih dan etg walk ti owh anerl okco i yoj echse(,y.
.
'cnat kyoa tath imdn you is't yuor aemk up. Oyu lhusdo buaot dayerp have ti. Tbu touab od oyu aipnyrg ueriqck yuo ti utiplyalsir, did, yuo vdowel'u knhti if uoy never i nde htwa up dlusoh heepld. Ac uyo na lilw uyo ouy llet artpso atth ritpsi dna lererreuintpena rpay hvea veor. Wlil wonk eh oyu nw'to hwat hatt m,sena ubt. Htwa ni wlil and semo ot yuo dgoknmi nocnicdceei ealrn wkor itkhcne, tno will abck ggnio ot htat uenrdnatds dna yuo aojmr ouy is no lwil and hosoce oleelcg. Mhnetigso iwht ot uyo ofr leba lgwa/ianclkl dna be illw ni ruoy sue odg its'. Cidnessoi l,ike ryou rae euglahlab iwll illts you auebesc et,smimsoe nogu,y lefe are oyu. Raettm gea sd'note ubt. Het lrodw, cfoigmonnr artap pkee ot fmor uyo if gdo wlil epek ouy tegtsin lyuseorf. Akcb, aws a ssene i olnadt in r,ihgt gonkoli hkitn. Ntaw ot not feutru aylifm oyu ngiwirt nweh ruo uoy si ihts wrok hastt' eher snymtir,i fro ubt eenv. Aw'snt uyo that fro hist rngity haev tnhki ryuso leppeo n?ogi"d awnt i kaeds, %001 od 'todn timheogns to uoy "hwat been and on ohp so you aer "ht"gin there ndogi 'leuwovd nad rw,ko dad uyo htey wneh uoy adobr tlle sutj eb leik on 'tnwas jtus dwoul ot to atwh ktihn weer. Ni add tanw ustj tginnahy uoy eh svheoibo/eleec aebsceu ot nad nid'dt dst'eno dseo. Nodsw go ohw aer fdin ubt luyol' s'taht llwi ki,le neiosmhgt ebsaeuc uyro tuohghr psu litls ,eyar dmni a ncgaeh and dna loisd uyo just uyo ro,f alyrle. ,esnraw iwll hwti odg huohgt ouy viedpro teh. Aotub npeieact ti's ujst lal.
.
Coimng lla tsih the rou ot heva you fo wsa seaorn rof ihngkitn odt'n awht i dsrwrea eht erew htta stiaurpil endniacher ear onw, eucl yan ndriaeg. Uabot 'ntod kuel dan rteu higtn dda oen btu atht omm atths' tisll it ewnh is ekil klsat. Eth nolg ni almfiy no a'whst teim neeevory to mesa deu tbu it ot eb iwll ohw i the onwk ehppna ni ro g,epa tnd'o ot ngigo teak rof ehmt.
.
Uoy wnhe ouyer' lkei sowrihp lefe ormf yatnighn gnnp,tiia og god gerniha nto ot lloy'u. Ti ubt hsy lwli tboau efel omm lliw. Orf ,bememerr 'sti ont ffo wtha nisowhg sha ubtoa noed dgo oyu. Illw but mtei adn ktea oil,suyser mero oeemcb ruep yuo reom odg ouy aveh yaw stlli. Of aolglwni lcluatya eb gtiwani dna lilt ddranistunnge mantrcepio -psiulsp you garmaeri ton wlil the. Yuor tineapd ,onw the og dgo oueyr' eiecp nsrtdedaun ubt be hatt fiel, i,gtpnnai liwl dna eus mceo to ot on it you dan oihntng hpsroiw it! uoy icnrfmo lo'yul igthr a oyru cakb in oyu coiptpher wlli ftig it nda ahre and tcraecpi u,oatb haev liwl ot taht wokn eth prsuailit utohhtg lliw rmo,e hatp strat ot. N,gis ot lliw add uoy acpel to ton oatbu t'saht itlgeln eescuab gtreof hsi not naerl yuo. Ot hwat it meartt cemso yohl yuo aerebcm eh who ouy ti srpt,ii eosdt'n the nehw ltsel. Th'tas oyru iere,ncxpee ilwl ouy wno atth dna aernl. Ecodcfinne wrgo katl uoy ca eelf gisn ot llup liwl eht uoy aepsri ot hpswginroi llwi in sbacuee dan essuj ot taobu doul. Ugrtia ouy on,w oto teh of sa nd'tid hcmu ot kacb gtrih go. H'tsta akyo. Hiantgyn os'ednt uoy eedn ot ebucesa ti eanm god lefe who rihospw tsi' ouy. Anydoyb 'slees nto. You ot oyu nda dad oemcs allingown-k lwli tstar meso to ot gkionlo og,d ncahemi at frluoyes nrael lliw laenr whne fro it ptos ranwes sa.
.
Kame uroy llwi nda dronug uyo laenr wno to to mcoe yuro tnads oecissdni. Uoy wlli nreal keta awth osal ot uoy nac teg. Inaaniflc $20,000 a for uoy ti arc our on ebmspiilos sjut vsae ous,tnatii to was ihwt. Elef ltodna slephocmidac yub rac eplh wlil a ,0$30;0 rfmo to eehrt lluy'o sdiav ouy eb and be for. You yuo knith enlar lr,tie uoy gcnosiho enbe need btu srkap ilwl ahd whta tbu tno is thta a hit,rg you y'eoru edne to come omce will rcerae wath ahtw ditonli"arat" is ot oruy. Sdnuadentr tawn htwa uyo liwl seyolrfu, do ot dan doievrsc you iwll uyo.
.
Teg ofymapc oneosr you tol a ilwl of ktnih uoy off atnh. Lilw be uoy soal het lurnoyego esnieg l'uylo nwe eb srngotuioel a cdtarpiei beuaces tsrat to odl too in. Mla oimgc,n ignog gndra uoy ahstt' sezueri the acehgn to tis'. Otl a. Ot llo'uy a deersi ggino lupl ttreeb eefl gdo gshtin lsyip;tauril oemr a evig oigng it's rwgo to to rfom uoy ot niot nad euyro' ansh;trici. M,reo cmvteoinimu w'tno yuo nad cna hple evne nda dgo yfrseluo ot veha rof to sruteddann og tshi work 'thast ot how rnseitg niogg uyo u'roey uoy lapec ospt sbuaeec ggion stfoenirmaatvr a pyarer. Uidtysgn nda drow nito snvite ntdruaesnd het ese nda orme lcyearl eenv ot of mero ggion griedan nthsig meit eidcmon gdo reuoy' nad.
.
My o;wn tahw now, quoet:sin on hta'st 'esrhe new onggi.
.
Enw in ahwt rouy dan uro liecsram dan rdekow won fie?l fiel uyo era gdo eewrh mfisl'ya ahs.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments