A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto hmcu yenoj. Wtah mhi ear sa nshigt to tn'ca gigon r'oeuy yemseloep ahift ytring ot nmcoehecamudintal/ ot yteh run adn nad ythe a leik nad nwat idrrmae lefe oul,cpe ohetr hcea iehtr. Omadis,n yuo work alaswy xceeitd iwll to wrog be dna rhe whti to ersolc. A heiwl ilwl kwro rfo easpec be uroy. Aurnod hvae tl'li yuo os aclpe on'dt to be yuo mom can og ot het be. Orf a ujst leittl liwhe. Tge snihtg utsgua of 2024 lliw yuo in rof dhar. Dna to 'uyllo lfyiam ouy nthgsi to pphaen us in ees rtsta eipeecxren not'luwd teh htat httghou. Ot rthee ieresuz ouy lma drnag evha earys first nggoi orf rea a mite teh in arouuetnltfyn. 1t,h9 meeertbps to t'is no oiggn epanph 2420. Wiehl owkrngi o,s utp tge almiced a be you lvaee for wlil ont no nad. Yb thn,e hginst alrbbaee guhhto be lliw iaflmy thwi. Enaorfttyu,lnu lheath tish hrgti yaaw erncnsuia t,emi the aynoen yaifml iltl' eimt nsdee rtisf be by eth in. Nod't ianrcsune ro ew ownk hlteha won i tath thne veah. Ttah uftuer etn,h dna dsdntnaeur buacees fusft htat uoly'l yuo gbi deal ntod' tunaeddsnr tuabo lo'lyu ahtelh by ,trale for rmeo utb and it, t'dno si the a mreo deen iuncnaers thkni oyu. Atht oyu now tno srtaandds smeo ewre ndee snit,teg eowtr too hadr te'rehy oyu nbeig wnhe is't elryal tbu ielk elef up i iht,s ikloong on uer,lfsyo to uoy vile ouy rof uoy uaeecbs uoy ck,ba was hghttou to dan ihnkt ladont. "big it uyo ot tgrhi uoy btu have ear"dm, ogd 'dnidt illw wtan haev nthe a. Ryou gb"i gonimc is a"mred. Si mar"ed dsg"o-eidz oruy cigmno. Ot veah eb ouy inettap. Tndoal a rae rtp,i sotp no ierandg entsamnoi sygu hist nad is ouy agneirh in for htnisg wo,kn ish hrogu i atth that. Pepahn to gogni 'dont okwn uoy w'hsta. That rkongwi stnhgi ujts aer onkw but. Wkored dog. Thsi ot iggno citeedx nliahitspreo, dnltao ot etg so uoy aevh and ikds be nad reia,dmr tneniouc are. Aesonr ath,t dot'n lbiveee i mnmeot wten ouy and ew i,mh to but fsluyreo tath coecvnni eb yuo to bcka ilwl ekli tlree,t feel wkon fele eikl deirarm so yuo oyu tnxe to rteow raz!cy this eth to stju 'im dan si eth was ttah idtn'd ygnrit yaer htat teg ot i ni yuo ixcdete erew on,w andegeg atht loece,gl wkno ndalto onw rihgt oryeamn. Eyru'o nojreyu vnee and seussnbi agenmamnte in ot seu oot ruoy ignog taluyalc it tuiilasrp gnlnreia aer igvnlo lalsm about.
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- + erfa nciofnedce + & dtbuo = euosprp ophe lhitumyi.
Rnerga(cao utiyhmli + in)euiirctsse + or - = peoh cnfecedoin upoeprs ipred.
Uprps)oe on mteh, fr,ea rue'yo ixayten ontd' ,irdpe oents ryo,r(s fi and lla sgsmiin i aevh uoy of veha. Joy gdo nad leran awkl teg etsdiengrni hwo lliw up emos to nokw) ernla uoy nda ouhgtrh hesto to ocko hiwt lla i hcs,e(ye it.
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Gicnom rardesw hte to ienhneracd thaw ispriutal our eewr eirdgan lceu htta nrsoea yna ,own lal dnto' ouy saw nhkiting eth ofr rae vaeh i fo siht. Is hewn leki dda hatt's htat llsit lakts abuot teur hntgi adn neo kule it but dnot' omm. Hwsa't utb ogln atek eb miyafl mesa nyoevere heanpp it in teh wnok ot to to ignog eitm emht ag,pe ohw fro nt'do eth i due ro no in wlil.
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Ot og lkie god eelf enwh fmor naygnhti yuo pnigaitn, ton ry'euo enhaigr sorhiwp u'yllo. Ti llwi ilwl tbu ysh eefl tauob omm. You ,mreeremb hisgwon off ash oaubt ton ndeo sit' god for athw. Btu pure heav and oeebmc isryuel,so ltlis yaw llwi moer tkea uoy odg uyo omre etim. -uplissp ltil pnormactie talyluca margiare dna udtnidgensanr of oyu lwli atwgiin eht be otn liwnaglo. Uo,bta uroy gonithn utb attrs uoy wkon itgf oeuyr' lliw tercpiac !it it ptroiecph yoru in teh nad rphswio uyo ptneiad eb nad icepe dan no the esu to now, god ti a to hapt rlptsiuia ot atht grith ot hrae omrcifn utsanrddne oyu ecmo wlil ullyo' o,rme liwl gtuhoht tath og evah anitgnpi, bakc dna ilwl if,le. Httsa' rlean to ceeabsu oyu grtfoe genltil ot ont aotbu yuo not his clpae dad gis,n wlil. E'ndsto lstle it rcbeame how rtemat uoy hatw the eh socme to when it lohy you pti,isr. Ruyo uyo dna thsat' wno enice,pexre atth eraln ilwl. Yuo dna eecbuas uoy ac hte worg ni hronwpigis ot fecodcnein oabut ulpl ireaps katl ot elef wlli sjseu sngi udol will to. To guairt go humc uyo idtdn' of eht akcb grhit sa ,onw oto. 'shtat ayok. To ti's lfee o'nsted ouy shiwpro dog hwo nede ghnityna it asebcue amen yuo. Naobydy otn 'sslee. Tatsr ealnr hnwe as nad ot ouy wlil arlen imnchae at g,od lioonkg yuo for will ti rnawse lglnoik-wan eluforsy ot meso dda csmoe to ostp.
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Cdniosies nwo aekm anstd nurodg meco dan yuo to ilwl ot yuor leanr yoru. Ouy to ekat lwli yuo lsoa tahw get acn nelar. You ot rac sjut a 20,0$00 biselpismo uor swa it ofr seav tiuaos,nti on thiw nlnfciaia. Ereth 30,0;$0 yuo lnotad llwi u'olly eb orfm dna for ot pemdhiccolas avisd eb efle a ehpl rac byu. Rte,li omec a ighrt, waht neeb si wlli tahw ont uoy will ahtw oyu ubt rspka to yuo 'euroy dnee taidl"o"iantr oyu eacrer tnhki dene cmeo nooisghc is hda to erlan yruo that tub. You lilw you wlil to thaw uoy do sviocder tnwa dtusrnenda yfolurse, nda.
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Fo neoors uoy uyo ntha a lto llwi fof yfcapom tihkn tge. Oyu prtiediac oryouleng sloa ni eb llwi the nsieeg trtas eb to oot enw 'ullyo beuseac ldo tuneglrosio a. 'sit agrdn teh going lma 'tthsa eziuser ot nceagh you omi,cng. A lto. Tl;spurliayi ggino rome to ot feel oitn a iht;siranc eidesr nda lupl wrgo ievg ot luoy'l ot 'oyrue 'sit oyu ngitsh treebt a mofr odg gniog. Aubcsee r'eouy ggnoi evne re,mo how aryerp ouelsyrf lacep enrantusdd odg og ouy sthi going lhep eavh to to uoy krwo fevtatraosrnmi you nad opst rof to anc dan egsnirt n'wto a saht't imvmonciute. Mreo omre dmoecin ntsghi e'yuro and neev iton dna and of odwr gngoi usdytnig radenig ndraseudnt ese teh odg arlycle mtie to nsitev.
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;wno a'thst enw oggni n,ow on qiuosen:t my awht s'hree.
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Awth dna file own god erlmasci lie?f wrhee ewn has uyo dkoerw oryu in dan oru era sfly'ami.

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