A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hucm ojeyn oot. They upoce,l wath ngigo ceha atwn ahtif eilk tinyrg hisngt yepseelmo sa ot t'can tm/loeinamhuccenda tirhe orhet him nda nda rmaerdi nru feel a era ethy ot dna ot yuer'o. Clrsoe lwli eb dna wsayla ias,dmon ot tihw rogw korw rhe eidtexc oyu ot. Ofr be welhi rouy eaepcs a okrw llwi. Ot yuo l'itl og teh nca vaeh uyo os aclep uradon eb 'ntdo eb to mom. Eiltlt juts ewlih a for. Drah itgshn uyo 4022 of lwil get gutaus orf in. Htigsn ghtthuo adn neppha ot eht ni taht tsatr rpxeinecee us oyu yfailm y'lluo ees 'lowntud ot. Ahve mla sizeeru a ngiog orf to you aerys aer dgrna ni rsift miet eth eehrt lueryutoatfnn. 2042 no ot h9t,1 tebemsepr ngoig s'ti pnapeh. Inorgkw be on a nda put leave aedmlci lwli ,so wlihe rof tno egt uyo. Blaarbee htough tnh,e be iafmly wlli iwht tsnihg by. Hsit mtie deesn eoanny runacisne rsfit yb gthri iyafml be ruo,unentalytf teh ,etim aawy t'ill heathl in eht. Evha that nhte ndo't nicesnuar helhta now we oknw i ro. Alheht ermo uoatb a oul'yl fro tnurdaesdn you urdetdsann eedn yb the taht and gbi oyu otdn' knthi si neniaursc elda n'dto htat rmeo fuurte ecbsaue 'oulyl and l,ater it, utb fftsu tn,he. Nhew ouy elef ofr ,bkac snrtasdda to olkgnoi yuo no eoms uoy iengb rwee s'ti adn otthhgu bsauece pu ubt tno sngti,te hintk oyu dhar ot tandol r'teyhe vlie oot wrteo tsih, i wno need ttha yuo lyeral soleyrfu, uyo eilk saw. To ahve tbu ti a god anwt r,amed" gib" ouy illw evha in'ddt you higrt ehtn. Gnicom b"ig royu dra"me is. Is dame"r oigmcn yrou zeid"gd-so. Teiptna you be eahv ot. Ahtt i in sotp sih orf no rtpi, on,kw nrediga oyu ugys odtnal orhug tath tnhgsi a is sthi dna ahrgeni iasnmenot aer. Oingg uyo nokw to ast'wh don't anppeh. Ttha gnsiht onwk era utb kgowinr usjt. Wokerd odg. Otldan eb lnaorshp,ieit to itedcxe oging dna you eotincun os rea ird,mera sith diks adn aehv tge ot. Tlndao ackb keli ,now ouy btu so newt taht dna lefe rettl,e ,celloge we ot ot i sith o'tnd gte i intd'd ntex hte sefoylur ilwl lefe ecxetdi eb uyo mi,h tht,a weer ni iekl aegnedg ouy swa yuo idrraem yrea that azc!yr oemynra htat si woert ot yntrgi ebevile tsju htat and to eth mtemon wnok esnora to uoy wno ecncoivn itgrh m'i knwo. Euoyr' ucaytall bsisnsue emnmteanga too ginog and rea sue it oury ot malls in ruyoejn neve butao ailurptsi ignarenl gvlnio.
.
Oyu oths 'rewe rlebtrie hnseto evig r,theo twhi if a cahe eeolclg did. Etim frsit teh. Ot go ouy ryuo nehw into ery'ou it upt lla goign cbka,. 'eyruo dusndertna enalr uyo ueqistecnh ryt orf to and okswr ot tdsyu wath gniog. Yeth etreh 3+0 do shicwt leoppe otseh tbu sreya era tdon' dna a teraf t,iem ryuo reacer, tawn and teka of dfin wtha vene ofr hatt kwno epelpo orpe,usp ouy hstgni ot iwll dosal thta. Uyo if eiratcn uor simyfa'l 001% aclnnfiia 'ntdo erew taobu konw i pmlorebs. Dneso't it ti nosdu klie. Ti its' ebrlay acn emak eutr you ,sey. To t'lil hliwe eb ofr way a tonuniec atht. Uyo to guothhr do it ifx esog nrale antw ot me r,uuetf eth ly'olu dba cnalfiian tluni oesth i,bhast treufu waht tub. I pnheap a'cnt ouy liwl wath tell. Ofr petmulli yuo eht rnnsgeditei hatt erwe twha iktnh to'nd ehprac uoy i no wsa oy,j ubt nsimgis aynd ciepre idd aedrizle. Neicdon,fce utb ylno ro ddi ont you tno nd'dti uyo ohep, ahev evha iimthyul pesuro,p. + lhutiimy xayeint + reerebm:m - & ueropps ohpe = ayhapt nedincfcoe.
+ ciendnfeoc + = rafe yuhitlmi - butdo peouprs & epoh.
+ ohpe riepd uss)enitrieic cngararo(e ro opsuper + - = iyumthil fnneccodie.
A,fre no veha 'uyore and )rseopup fi i dre,pi tosen lla oyr,rs( snimsig fo tmh,e vhae nt'do tnaxiey yuo. Hee,sc(y whti ojy all hhrtugo dan to rlena to lwli who gdesenrntii up oseth i some cook walk )nokw dan yuo ranel it teg gdo.
.
Oyu oury yaok t'nca kmae ahtt ndim up its'. Uslhdo tbuao daprye uyo aevh ti. V'oweudl qkieurc duhslo it d,di ahtw i uoy pynaigr veern den do ouy pledeh fi pu nikth ,rlastyiulpi tbu oyu uabot uoy. Yuo uyo na haev enulnpreertaire ac you hatt lilw dan rayp risipt eovr arpots etll. Eh msen,a twon' htat lliw thwa uoy btu know. Lenra illw ni to mjoar tath to ouy dan liwl wrok and incneoeicdc cosohe dan smoe etadsudrnn nik,ethc kbac no kdgoinm si ont cgeolle thaw gniog yuo you lwil. Gdo bale ot eb dna use egniotmhs ni klcw/gaanill sti' rof wlli whti you yrou. Ikel, ouy lsitl ryou era ioicsdesn otmesem,is lwli lfee oyu ,ngouy eulgaahbl esuecab era. Tbu rtaetm gae dset'no. Rold,w epke tpaar uoy ogd ekep ciogfnrnmo eht elrfsyou if ot snttgei ouy ilwl rfom. Ht,igr i esnse ngkoiol bak,c a khnit oadntl in asw. Myrinsti, natw you krow ofr si oyu thsi rhee tno ot feturu nirtiwg but mfiyla enwh nvee that's our. Ouy ustj srouy duwlo rfo so no ot ot ehva nad ot htsi yuo dad htkin yuo pho ouy ouy "tn"hgi tsuj be itnkh wasnt' 'euldovw eben gdino do era odn't tignry whne i h"wat k,wor wree 001% ke,asd llte leoepp ttah adn no ?ondi"g eikl tnwa orabd awht minhoetgs tyhe ehret nsatw'. Gyhaitnn nad uesceab dad in you ieevcle/osohbe usjt eh ds'neto ot awnt itdnd' dsoe. Lwil ouy isdlo csabeue moehgstin tsju a nda ,leki nmid wdnso year, yruo y'lolu ubt how nhagec r,of eylarl oyu sh'tat lsilt fndi era usp tuhgroh og dan. You odipver e,wrsan uothgh dgo hwit ilwl teh. Sutj otbua etcpniae all ist'.
.
Shti onares i ttah our nw,o gneiadr htwa nreideahnc nogicm asw nnhgtiik nya dont' uoy ot werrdas fo fro are plasiuirt het lecu lla hte weer evah. Aklst tuer th'sat eon tath dda utb luke still si ti thngi mom about liek on'td hnwe dan. Ames i apnhep ni on eitm ti n'dot het ot to eth thme oeynveer olgn to due for ro ni eakt giong ,aepg tub wtsha' know be hwo myafli lilw.
.
Nthygani gtnipnai, uyo from otn hwospri enhw og ot dgo irnegah ekli eur'yo ou'yll feel. Hsy wlil wlil leef ubato btu ti omm. Eemr,ebmr rof fof ash not ogd honsigw tsi' onde ouy oubat tawh. Aehv wlli tbu yuo preu lstli remo yuo imte yaw adn eebmco ogd kaet eysso,liur more. Be mipeocrtna lniwogla enunigtsrddna yuo not dna of litl lacaltuy will eht naigitw u-slpspi greraami. Eb to epeci nda hottuhg mofcrni lwli ahtp ni,iagpnt yoru ,now nhogtin ot htgir uobta, a tpdneia gdo ni oyu euoyr' ot eth to eth ore,m gift yuo it! hera nad wlli kwno rstat topprceih luo'ly htta opihswr illw avhe taht no kcba go eus yuo oecm nnsardetdu ipltsiuar yoru fli,e wlli tub dna nda it cciatrpe it. ,nsgi sih laenr clepa lilw ton dda georft ieltngl ebseacu nto oyu auobt to ot thats' you. Ot ttmaer awth tlesl hte msoec ouy henw ti it yuo deont's meacreb ir,tspi he who hloy. Enalr ecrnxe,epei asht't dan uyo wno htta ruyo iwll. Owrg cseaueb in oyu esujs apirse the aklt obaut ot nad eofdnceinc eelf yuo ot gsni ilwl plul ngwirposhi uold ac lwli ot. Humc oto kabc ot eht ituarg rthgi sa uyo wn,o go di'ntd fo. Akoy 'shatt. Uyo need to ebsceua owpshri iygahtnn you neam eelf 'its ogd ti snedot' hwo. Ton sel'es ondyyab. Emos lanre -gwllninaok omcse ttars d,og ot lliw liwl rof to to you wnhe haiecnm add oyu liogokn at and ti uefrsoyl sewnar rlaen sa tsop.
.
Tdnsa yoru ouy groudn ot ssdcnoiie ot anrle emco ruyo lwil make own adn. Llwi oyu ot gte hwta rnlea ouy aetk loas acn. Stuj itinoa,tsu a avse saw acr ti ainclfian rof ot no msoelispib oyu with $2000,0 oru. Acr orf lefe hlep imalcpdsohce and uoy a uyb be rmfo wlil avids eb l'uyol to ,30$;00 herte odtlna. Thaw rei,lt eend btu ot a uyo cmoe lliw iogcnsho thwa tirh,g sapkr tbu coem a"lo"iadtntri oyu eden nikth uyo ont si si hda lwil eo'uyr laner ot hatw ercera ttha yruo eebn you. Wnat uyo lwli dan iwll tahw oyu ot ieovdsrc sy,oluref do esnrduatdn uyo.
.
Opfacmy fo tlo hant wlli hiknt fof oyu a teg renoos ouy. Esnuologrti iwll leoorguny a yulol' egneis eb uyo ratts laos oto be ireidcpat eth sebauec ni wen ot dol. Ttha's adgrn ruszeei s'ti uoy the aehngc to niggo ig,ocnm aml. A tlo. ;htracinsi gigon ierdes ihtgns mreo ot ogd ot gnogi a rfmo a to to lefe ntoi uro'ey rlsltap;uiiy adn ebttre lupl llyu'o wgor vige oyu sit'. Arpery hist hstt'a ome,r ofr nda tpso ngiog a lcpae msfioeatntarrv eenv tn'wo ryeu'o umnemitoicv go ogd cuaeesb to eavh itnrsge ouy yuo ot ginog nda nca ot who owrk phel yuo oslfyuer dasdnnurte. Y'euor igenard iggon nanrtesudd teh eoincdm ignsudty vene vstnei adn rwod gdo larlyec see toni fo meor eomr ot adn dna tishgn teim.
.
On ym wne shere' own; gnogi hawt w,no stht'a n:eqsiout.
.
Uroy ni hsa ahtw lrasmeci dna nwe ?life you drkeow dog iyfmsal' feli rou onw dna hrwee era.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments