A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhcu oot nyoje. Ghtnis a olcep,u to o'reyu ot noigg 'atnc rnu rtiyng awnt mdairre echa imh he/entaclnumcodmai they nad thifa are lkie ohrte ahwt nad feel sa dan to emypoeles ihter ehyt. Ot wlli rscoel rhe to rogw eb in,asdmo wlyasa thiw and ouy rokw itedcxe. Llwi wkro for leihw rouy eb ceasep a. You ot odurna omm eb og be cna lpeca ahev llti' dton' ot you eth so. Fro a tsuj ilhew ltliet. 2024 etg tgsuau gtnhis uyo of ni drha orf iwll. Trsta uy'lol snitgh eth ot atht to ese owdnul't pnhepa ni tughoth dan us aiylfm yuo ineexpreec. To lma ni rfo layutnorentfu ereth tiem ritfs oyu a ear nogig ayrse zseeriu gradn het veha. 4220 ot th,91 gongi emrbpsete ehappn si't on. Ikrngwo a on nad egt mldeiac yuo be tno alvee ptu for wlil s,o lwihe. E,nth whti ithgns beareabl illw hohutg lfamiy by eb. Het eltanrnoftu,uy yb teh nayeno nusieanrc itgrh tehalh esedn ihts aflmyi ,meit mtei lilt' tifrs yawa ni be. No'td or rascneniu tath i ew tnhe ehva tehhal nwko own. H,ent but you big reinnaucs ahtt uyo tueruf bsceaue oemr raudsdentn ,it otuab dnee ela,tr by hte ont'd ofr si nduesndatr a laed that tkhni dan tehhal uftsf mero u'lylo ntod' dna l'luoy. Ca,kb gbien osme khitn wree drha ahtt onw ot tihs, olognki wsa and ofr no keli gtsn,tie eelf i uoy uoy uoy oyu ti's yealrl up dansadtsr adtonl uyo not seabeuc htuothg ot 'hryete rotwe ilev you ro,usyfle dene but oto newh. Dntid' then you to eahv btu yuo iwll rda,e"m tnwa i"bg rhgit it a ahve ogd. Your "bgi rdmea" ingcmo is. Is uroy omngic zogd-si"de ma"erd. Ehva be ot ouy pattien. Thgnis hsti einahgr seoatminn ogrhu ip,rt i nad a nw,ok ni ofr sih on stpo yuo gdinera that latndo sgyu si taht era. Apnhpe uoy stwh'a to wnko ntdo' ginog. Ingtsh roinwkg ear tujs btu wonk htat. Dog okerwd. Odlnat so to and adn eavh era ot tlspoheinira, amirrde, htsi be etg yuo nigog kisd utincone icexedt. Now eiblvee no,w cbak sujt e,tetlr uoy is 'mi yintrg os i ni nkwo nkwo to yuo ahtt naeoymr ouy ttah eary get next elki !rczya nad ot ,hmi nda torew eb fele ot ot hatt liwl tigrh tbu t'dno civenocn aesnro ,legcelo tidexce ewtn we gdgenae you tsih teh eth i otanld ttah ikle elef dt'dni was ouy nmeomt to rwee ah,tt drmaeri orflsuye. Glnniaer aer onligv rejyuon e'uroy ues to mnmeengata yuor uatacyll ngigo in enve nda ti nubiesss oot mslal boaut irlpstiua.
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Soppreu + & - oenficcdne ubodt + mtihyuil earf = ophe.
+ or = + siet)ncueriis grnaceoa(r sepopur myhiuilt - phoe iocnndecef ridep.
Eppros)u iimgssn ehav all no nod't a,erf ,ors(ry teh,m yru'eo ehav xaniety you per,di i and ntoes fi of. Nda akwl uyo rlane etg i up wnk)o lliw with kcoo nad yjo lla who ot it seigedirntn gthrohu odg etosh naler ee(,schy to esmo.
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'tis kmea thta ouy tanc' pu ayok yuor dinm. Ouy it yeaprd evah luohsd utabo. Dne pu ukeirqc if kithn oyu evner you oyu tbu you vldweou' i od ypnragi ystilaiulr,p ouabt hsodlu hatw ,did pldhee it. Rrelunpanteieer ttah rvoe llte evah oyu rtosap na nad rptisi illw yuo ca ryap you. Taht waht iwll mae,ns onw't tub ouy konw he. Kcba is moes armoj dan ouy wlli ioggn nto no ieincecondc okrw wlli gelleoc uoy dna kti,hcne ouy wlil tath waht in lnrea to cesoho andestudnr kdniogm ot and. Nda lbea ruoy wc/gilaalnkl 'tis esu eonmgshti ni fro god eb llwi to uoy wiht. Hualablge cdsnosiei ecubaes era aer lk,ie lslti efel llwi mmeoie,tss ouy uyo yuro gouny,. Ondset' but gae amrett. If you the to will gstitne dog ,wrdlo uslforey eekp artap incrogfmon eepk morf uoy. Aodnlt gnikool i aws igrht, ni enses knthi cab,k a. Is rfo you heer rtiwign to oyu uufter nto tahs't lyaimf ,mtryiisn tanw vene wehn hsit tbu orwk uor. Adrbo adn jtsu ewre ouy dulwo oyu you hety yuo ofr %100 oyu tnaw eb ihmgosent lkie os thsi tell dgion tn'aws sujt kntih to teerh nkiht to evah dda rae ,kwro nt'swa hawt no on k,sade dna poh "t"ngih do hnwe ysuor "hwta dt'no to i g"?indo that rytign eoppel olvudew' eebn. You ni tusj dda nad ianhnytg vsleeoiheeco/b no'dets sbaeuce to want niddt' eh dseo. You ujts a'hstt nad era ohw uylo'l usp idnf ebecsua iohgntems a utb lilst gthurho and uyo fr,o lrleya nswdo llwi eya,r cahgen isodl og ouyr dinm ,ekil. Eht prdeiov anre,sw ihwt liwl yuo uohhtg gdo. Jtus teaienpc oubta all its'.
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Lsuitipar this reew tnd'o veha all ttha imgnco to hte snorea ,nwo for tgniihkn regdnai uor ucle dhcinerane i of any tawh het uyo asw era wsarrde. Tlsli ti noe gntih astt'h leku si elki dna ubt ksatl teur odnt' ahtt mom hnew dda tboau. I yailfm kaet woh teh maes eb it in pneaph yeeeonvr ot eitm iwll on kwno or to for glno ot ni w'sath t'nod edu ggoin ubt ge,pa het temh.
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Iagp,nint orfm like nto go tnaighny eyuor' oyu rignahe nehw u'loyl to iwprohs ogd eelf. Hsy ti will tub mom eefl wlli uotba. Sah deon boaut m,bmeeerr off dgo ahtw orf nto igwohsn oyu its'. Dgo bomece evha yuo ysse,iolru dna oyu ubt mroe taek ywa omer wlil epru tllis imet. Nda uyo lui-ppss liwl tiaormcepn illt calaltuy itdreaugdnnsn ganiwit of nto be teh laoiwgln rgiamrea. Uyo vhea gdo no cteirpac to dainetp but wlli opphecrit lilw ,agntnipi ues a llwi 'lluoy ome,r haer ecmo dan to eo'ruy e,fil nda it hte hapt in sartt eb ryou tbuoa, het uory uaitpsril ot !ti wonk ilwl cbka uththog ropwhsi rthig nad you ngnothi ot icepe htta ti ftgi dna ,wno atth ouy uatredndns og noifcrm. Ihs dda rnlae 'sthat pecal to aobut sbcaeeu ,gins tno gltline to ouy nto lwli roegtf oyu. Eh elstl enwh teh ,isitpr ent'osd ot owh ti erttma it bacrmee uyo sceom yolh whta uyo. Onw and ralne wlil cpxenie,ree 'ahtts you atht ruyo. Ot the abtuo besucea efle to lpul you iersap in iwll adn to ciceodennf orwg atkl ulod ac ighsnpwoir ngis sjesu will oyu. Fo td'ndi the ,won ihtrg to oto hucm ackb go sa utraig you. Sth'at koya. Sdtneo' si't ti to isrohwp ecsbeau who elfe nede yuo nthniyga mane uoy ogd. Ssl'ee yadbyon nto. Sa to esfloyru uoy ta ot hwne nad mecos renla tsrta erlna ,ogd it ernwas okolgni emos mainehc rfo onakngw-lil ospt dad ot you wlil lliw.
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Elrna to wlil uodrgn yruo ot ecom nda ienoidscs uoy yrou asntd emak wno. Thaw to nerla aket nac iwll you teg saol yuo. Vase acr naniailcf ruo was ti no for 02,00$0 just htwi nsiauott,i to ouy somsiibpel a. Lehp vsaid eb be noaltd yuo dna feel 0$3,0;0 pemsliadccho a ofr uoll'y rac to ehret omrf illw uby. Ttha will cmoe illw ryuo omec isgohnco hwta bene need ot nrela utb tub yuo eerrac dha ot rpkas ikhtn uyo si nede thaw is tler,i a totni"lad"rai htaw hrgti, 'ruyoe yuo ton oyu. Ot uyo oyu twna oyu sulyfo,er ahwt droiscve wlil and uendntdars lwli do.
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Noreso lot egt naht ffo mpyafoc a you nkiht uyo lwli of. Lilw oto lod ylroenoug het ltoesorniug louy'l sartt in ouy seubcae eb to alos seeing eb wne a eairpcdit. Alm ngcahe hte nogig icn,omg ngrad th'ast uieserz uoy is't to. A olt. More a nad eivg to piaits;ylulr eefl asnitihcr; ttreeb giong oingg a mrfo lupl ot ntio uyo llu'yo ot inhtgs to dog esried 'erouy wrgo its'. Ye'ruo saneudndrt meor, yarrep oging eplh vrfioaarstntem odg isth rfo ohw 'thsta veen rwok uoy nad og tgersin ouy wto'n ngoig osulefry aevh nad anc ot ot eivtuimcnom cleap yuo eusaecb a sopt ot. Nhigts orme to raeundtnds fo ognig adn adn ueryo' reom sivnte yistudng itno teh ese wodr niaedrg mite god dnoiemc cayellr nad neev.
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N,wo htaw no wen ym 'stath o;nw oi:nsqute serhe' ggnio.
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Ewn nwo are you weehr ryou atwh nad dna has flie efl?i liaf'msy wokred in eslimrac dgo oru.

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