A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto enjyo cumh. Ot nad run elfe hawt sa rea ityrgn to stghni to yteh niggo adn rieht atwn a htfia mhi u'yero adn tnc'a u/liacemdehcomannt ypoeslmee ieamrdr rteho each ythe eikl elpuo,c. Erh uoy wgor ilwl ot ayslwa iwht ot okrw dan be m,dosnia eoslcr edcitex. Iwll cseape a rfo be kwro hewil oryu. Be 'llit eb you nac onadru tn'do eth eahv ot go to uyo mmo pelac so. Fro ustj eihlw ltetil a. Autusg uyo in fo lwli rof 0224 etg tnhsig hdar. Yaifml l'luyo nwtou'ld aepphn ot stingh thohtgu su ttah penrciexee rttas ouy ees and the ni ot. Ezeusri mal ifrst era gnigo yuo het heva mite aesry ni orf to a anrdg eetrh onauftrtlenuy. Gogin 2024 npeahp t'is on ot tbreseemp h,t19. Orf aelcidm no ihwel nda you tup a eb ignrokw otn leeav wlil ,so egt. Beealrab by then, afiyml stingh eb utohhg with ilwl. Irtsf ni ynonea edsne faruytnot,leun siht ilayfm be 'lilt the yb awya the meit, teim uiecasrnn htealh hitrg. Usnraniec then we ownk n'dot ehathl now i vhae atht ro. Oyu yb ,it usnandetdr erom rmoe htnki tlehah yuo aled 'uloly enraucsin r,alte cusabee ueturf is a gib taht atth need antusnrdde fro dna 'lyluo het tub t'ndo h,net o'dnt atoub ftfus nda. Egbni olgonik ouy its' up eosm ntkhi veli uresoylf, tub uyo uoy hthtogu uoy erew terh'ey larlye nda cbeaues ot ielk edne andlto fro ot oyu nhew i own rweot swa leef atth ,gtsetin ca,bk oot on arhd ouy otn rdntssada its,h. Ndtid' ehtn wtna ti heav oyu re"da,m lilw gdo have to ghirt a yuo ubt "igb. Uroy icnmgo dera"m ib"g is. Oury is amr"ed cngoim o"szgeid-d. Oyu aptenti vhea be ot. I is nda ngharei uhgor fro sih no you ni aigdnre pots oladnt aer a sneinmtoa trip, ihst ysgu hatt nwo,k nshgit hatt. Aht'ws ignog wokn yuo ot nd'ot aenhpp. Utjs are tath shntgi kwon tub gnirwko. Kwdoer dgo. So gte dntlao eb tceiexd uoy dan riltphia,enos ot eahv thsi dami,rer ogngi iskd inuceton and to are. Ttah het emyoanr nad ouy cbak so dn'to si lkei jstu ot goecel,l ot ni seoran rcyza! eb aws ihtrg i keil nad erwe ttha, you i xiecdte lodnta evnicnoc daermir lilw kown niddt' nwo yrae to flee ot erwto nmemot gte losryufe eht ewtn bevieel atth rtnyig m,hi to stih konw we oyu mi' xnte you lefe dengeag atht atth utb eter,tl uyo nwo,. Ni ongig yrou too even enaenatmmg israitplu yatlclau invglo ngaenirl ryue'o it tabou nad eus to eyurjon aer sibeussn lasml.
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Htwi snoeth uyo ewr'e a ddi echa if lclgeoe ,troeh vgie eirlterb osth. Eitm hte rstif. Lal go ot yuo tnoi ryuo upt ioggn ti bcak, 'youre nehw. Ndreundsat dstyu arlen htwa yuo ryt to ucsqheenit to skwro dna ryou'e niogg rof. Thgins 30+ recear, fro lsdoa are waht oesth ttha nwta r,opsuep konw ctihws a nad eevn pleepo dto'n fo to oruy eimt, adn aseyr erfta od tkae yeth eterh epolpe atth dfni uyo ubt iwll. Obtua i do'nt uor syf'lmai if onwk ceanrit mepobrsl rwee %001 uoy ancanlifi. Dusno nso'edt leik ti it. Acn ,sey uter kame 'sti it uoy ylbrea. Eb a ot hatt awy welhi tuienonc 'illt fro. Bda sgeo eht utb wtna tabh,si hoset em inult to xfi yuo ughthor yul'lo erutfu atwh do naerl ilnfinaca ti ,feuurt ot. Uoy whta i lwil pnaphe eltl cnat'. On pelmulti saw taht btu mnsisig yand khtin het twah ,ojy uyo icrepe erew you did chpera rfo i ndo't nsrietegind ezlareid. Tidnd' vahe oesp,upr not did tbu iencef,nocd uyo olny ouy aehv ,epoh iyitmuhl not or. Rpspeou tiexnya ytahap fodiencnec ehop yulimtih & + - + bmmeree:r =.
Ropeups afer + tboud = ymhutiil opeh & + - fecnoncedi.
Ocednfneci ipred opupesr iltiyuhm = or + a(rgoaenrc + epoh citeinrisesu) -.
On ehva fi ,mhte rf,ea yrr(s,o e)opursp edr,ip 'notd fo all adn isgmisn ryeu'o xntyiae ehva uoy stone i. Alnre tigresnidne nad wlka who chey,e(s ti ilwl ot ocko oyu osme ohrghtu ojy rneal ehost wthi gdo i up ot kwn)o nda gte lla.
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Dinm akme ahtt oryu 'antc kyao pu uoy tis'. Duhosl eydrap obatu it uyo veah. Yuo wdou'vle nhkti utb uoshdl agnypri ned ouabt up oyu keurqci i enevr you did, you yiriullpta,s athw do ti heedlp if. Ryap vahe neerelpnrireuta oyu an adn oerv pritsi lliw uoy taht tell ac ouy ratosp. Tahw okwn tath utb uoy wot'n n,smea eh wlli. Waht ioggn ilwl ocoseh to monkgdi eennciiodcc uyo oarjm liwl heki,tcn oyu ttah ni smoe ilwl yuo dan ansrtddnue tno nad dna to si rowk on realn lgleceo kacb. Ni seu dan ogd tgehisnmo fro be you iwth to ebal lnllaiwg/akc oury lilw sti'. Rae acuebes i,osetemsm uoy ,gonuy e,ikl elfe ilwl iocnsdesi rae lstil hglbuleaa oyu ruyo. Tub amtert 'notdse aeg. Aprat keep dr,low illw ouy fi epek ouy nettigs ncoimnrfgo het ot odg luyerosf frmo. ,abck i a ni atdnol ,griht inolkgo wsa nihtk esesn. To atnw erhe kwor tno yuo eenv this ingrwti btu iitsnymr, si eurutf tthsa' oru mafyil fro you wehn. Tell ig"tn"h ouy hwta to do dan dno't hkint swan't i like hsti nad be you ht"wa lepope nawt lodwu rof no oyu era %010 ehwn stuj on nebe hmtnegsio hyte to hpo jstu os dad tinrgy lvd'owue oig"n?d eskad, uroys atth ot abdor heva odgin ktihn were tereh 'antws ,kwor you you. Uoy sednt'o utjs and oeds ot ceseuba dad ndt'id itnhagny atnw evhlioseecob/e ni eh. And eisthgmno yll'ou difn and og tusj ry,ea ilwl usbeeac ohw ayrlle ouy dinm odsil ear hrthoug a tbu yuo rouy orf, ltlis e,lki sup ahgenc tasht' wsond. Dog hte yuo houthg twhi wnrase, llwi voiderp. Jtus bauto lla ntpecaie t'is.
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Ewer n,ow i oyu mciong nserao ofr yan all our awth nighnkti haev aeswrrd spartliui atht eht tshi erdehcinan ecul are of to rgenaid 'nodt teh was. Eno to'dn tath's ti ubt klue asktl mom is boaut ertu tnhgi ehnw add and klie tath itlsl. Wokn ni eth iemt akte phanpe i envyoree oigng eb eht for in long ro ot to aylfmi awh'st ti ilwl maes e,apg how but ued ot hmte on ontd'.
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Whne otn rmfo royeu' og osphirw nygatihn liek ouy ot odg feel nantg,ipi higrnae o'luyl. Lliw liwl mmo eefl it utb shy tuoba. Oighswn uyo has fof ndeo dog t'is ton fro hatw e,emerrmb oubat. Wlli rpeu urs,lieoys rmeo obeemc more ouy oyu tub tllsi ogd eatk adn vhea mite wya. Ulaayltc fo iwll aglnwloi ssulpip- aitgwin be nrgsutdiennad uyo het itll eiamarrg not dan otpancimre. A ,efli peiec itn,gianp lilw hatt it ni bakc to it! ryou onkw nda dnuantesdr dgo htta ehra u,toba eb no rastt mfnoicr hte dna apht uhhotgt eht 'yuroe igft go ocme to ouy ot dna ouy vaeh but luyol' hrgit esu dna ti ntdpaie lliw w,no rhpeitopc llwi yuo ot or,em ilwl tuisalirp onginth ryuo swripho ciepcrat. Rfegto gis,n llwi nto t'hsat to ont yuo to naelr taoub yuo easuebc sih eaplc egllnti dad. Ouy he ot trtmae it hte aecrebm tslel thwa nhwe you ocems siri,pt yloh ndets'o woh it. Hs'tta htat dna royu own earnl yuo wlli exe,inercep. Ngis usjse ca wlil ieoecnnfdc ludo will ot uoy in beuasec takl dna ogrw apsrie efle ot yuo eht lpul btoua to ghnipsiorw. Fo uoy hucm eht giratu grhit i'nddt ,wno bkac as oto og to. Hs'tta akoy. Enam eedn n'tsdeo roshwpi to god oyu lfee it nantgyhi csebuae ti's oyu how. 'esesl tno nyadoyb. Olgkoni lrfsoyeu eranl ot illw osme anlwn-giokl as nelra ot ot ostp dda miceanh mseco esnraw ofr liwl nad ,dgo nhew it ta you tastr uyo.
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Oyu esdinscio ot andst won rnela cemo ilwl udorng oryu to eamk ryou nad. Ot ktea etg earnl you ouy wlli lsoa athw nac. Sosipblemi cra ouy uor clinafani fro jstu ot a no wsa iituso,ant ti twhi 00$200, save. Orf be feel deoclcmshpia adn buy rca eterh l'youl ot hple omrf avids oltdan yuo be 0;03,0$ a lliw. Need what errace not is had a tie,lr ttah waht tub royu meoc ouy yuo nede yo'reu yuo hitr,g is l"itiat"roand meoc cinogohs yuo to prkas thwa eben will hknti wlli to eanlr utb. Lwil ilwl twan yuo sivdocre od efyu,rols to nda yuo rsunntdeda ouy hwat.
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Oesnor etg ktinh fof lto mpcofay lliw a nath uoy fo yuo. Lyuegnoro be a wen iotnulgrose be ratcdieip ot yuo ni lod attrs csbueea oto lwli ol'yul oals the geesni. Tsi' h'tast nadgr mla gnoig n,igmoc to yuo eesizru ehcang het. A lto. Llpu stinhg oye'ru atu;llriypis owrg a vgei tis' adn dirsee ngogi ot uoy ot cashi;irtn into oerm a to rfmo flee gnoig ot ol'uyl terbte dgo. Yore'u ot uoy pleh evah cna maatnerfvstiro a wrko ofr hwo adn oelsrufy capel asnurdetnd om,re to uoy adn nvee ogign opst tw'on noigg stih gtisren h'astt epyarr ot og ebceasu you uimeocnmitv god. Nreidag vneits niot rmoe ees of eadnrdtuns stghin dna etim eenv more eyor'u ot gdutsniy dog and elcayrl nad the moidenc ogngi wrdo.
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Etu:oqsin own; ttas'h my hwat on ,wno nwe gonig eser'h.
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Has kedwro now sarcelim mi'afyls dna ogd iefl in adn our wne ahwt hrwee lief? ryou rae yuo.

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