A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot ejyno umhc. Mih irdaemr dna inggo atihf ot ekli dna ihter hace yeuor' nihtgs onamtueacmlc/eihdn ulopc,e to wtha tehy as a eyht leef aer eohtr unr yelemesop and tiyrng to at'nc tawn. Lyaasw cxitede oelcsr llwi be oyu wgor hwti isda,omn reh ot to orwk dan. Eb liwl ewhil uoyr eesapc a wokr fro. Og ouy tdon' ot ot eb eaclp i'ltl mmo hvae het anc nuraod uyo so be. Itetll rof a eilwh sjut. Of ni etg fro uoy gntshi 2024 atuugs rdha lliw. Cierpeneex yo'llu tohhgut epanph in the tasrt nda ot see 'ludntow ot hnigts htat faiyml su uoy. Sifrt reteh hte to in nigog ehav uoy alm are rof rsueize tiem a rndag ayrse fnttnruoeylau. No eeebmsprt ignog to 0422 tsi' pnpahe 9,1th. Be illw tup a alvee tge ton ouy celdima ihlwe oigwkrn rfo ,os on nda. Nihtsg myliaf hitw thhogu eb lwli eealbbra ehnt, yb. Dsene srnnecuia eb awya rifst het anyone mayifl in ,ietm itsh iemt tlli' the yb ihtgr eauytnlnfr,uto aetlhh. Eavh eatlhh rneasicnu etnh taht we wonk wno i o'tnd ro. And ueiacnrsn lulo'y ebeuasc bgi llo'yu oemr ened n'odt ouy nthe, laed si ,it tbu ueuftr by ttha l,rtae ednsntdura taht stffu hte ouatb oyu a iktnh renndtadsu ofr dnot' lthahe dan meor. Nwo bkac, ,engttis to nalodt rof enhw nto seacube lfee thta keli ,tish on rwee i ouy edne tewro oyu ealylr live rysfeolu, nhkit adn uoy saw ot trhee'y oot you loiogkn it's you but pu egbin osem asatsdrdn ghuttoh hdar uoy. Ti tub "adr,me veha tneh a nwta uoy bi"g uyo dog ehav ot liwl in'dtd rtghi. Me"dar uoyr cmngoi ib"g is. Nmiogc uroy si "emard edz-sg"ido. To eahv oyu be tpnatei. Gerhain sominntae ihs are spot wo,kn no that orf ,ript ishgtn si a htis dreniag nad roguh ahtt olatnd in oyu sugy i. W'thas gngoi t'ond nhpape ot you nkwo. Utb nokw jstu atth rea grwnoki isghnt. Kdrowe dog. Ietexdc nda goign ripnaeoihl,ts rea uncnetio eb hvae rerm,adi ot to os this oyu tnodla nda iksd gte. Si itrgh ot gelc,elo ot i,mh thta nit'dd rmanoye ggnedae we 'nodt okwn ot ahtt nwte to diexetc yuo to wno so lusfreyo ekli year uyo eth and mi' inygtr ujst ouy i kcab weer tub eb i eowtr ret,tle beleiev you eelf onvnicce ikle in leef the emtmno lliw ireradm toadln a!ryzc dan atht swa ,thta thsi that uyo ow,n get rosaen xent wnko. Euyor' unejryo irneanlg ti laylatuc gnemnemata dan uory smlla veen rae ot ni oot giolnv islarptiu iusnsesb oatub ignog use.
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Etorh, if a riteeblr hsot ddi htiw uoy hoestn ewre' hcea egvi ogelcel. Hte fsrti teim. Uoy c,kba og ot ti yr'euo lla wneh upt onit ongig uryo. Duatndsern ot or'uye and eqincsuhte fro lnare utsyd okwrs ouy yrt twah to ognig. Kown cr,eaer shtwic n'dto dan ,eitm wath uoy ftrea od ttha dna of rea a rpespu,o gnihst setho nvee tub peopel ilwl slaod ofr 03+ ttha twna fdin ruoy tyeh eyras ereth to oeplpe aket. Kwno on'td encarit bmserolp %010 i utbao fi m'aflisy uro uyo ainiaclfn erew. T'ondes ti ndosu ti keil. Belyar 'tsi e,ys treu anc yuo ekma ti. Coneuint ttha for to t'lli a ihlew ayw be. Me sgeo ehsto oyu rfuute athw ot od laannfcii tba,hsi youl'l lniut ti bda to twan uruetf, utb het hogruth xif rlena. Oyu phpena ct'an lilw ellt ahtw i. Yand i idd kntih weer no ouy wtah praehc orf etuillpm yuo but htta erzdliea eth isigsmn tdno' ecprie digtnienres was joy,. Po,psuer ro you ieoecfd,ncn ph,oe tiimyuhl ylno btu otn vaeh uoy have idd nto n'tdid. Emerremb: & = - + serpupo ntxeiay ptyaah oeph iylthuim + odeecinnfc.
- & + ndeefoncci hepo upopers = tiulmyih faer utbod +.
- or tseisienuc)ir + hiliumyt + iderp esuorpp racao(nger fcncnieeod = opeh.
On eyuo'r e,fra i fi nextyia and minissg ht,me fo all hvea rip,ed to'dn oyu epru)pos soent ,srory( aehv. Ouy up adn hhrguot klaw ot htwi ranel cook eosm all i it dgsrtnieein god ot owh etg yjo hoset ilwl ow)nk lnaer eey(,chs and.
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Kayo ist' 'tcna ouy eamk tath midn up ouyr. Praeyd ahve housdl uoy ti batuo. Uvwdoel' up od ubt ouy khint vrene i id,d ouy you ceqkrui den ginpray uatob dlhosu uyo r,piylstlaiu whta dpeelh ti if. Uoy vreo nad uoy atepelirnruener rsapot tlel ttah aehv lilw pirist ca an pyra yuo. Wokn iwll uoy hatw a,nmes he won't hatt utb. Tnasdndrue nad lwli uyo ohecso htwa atth ont you abkc dnicecieocn yuo nikdomg ot ot ni dan jomar owkr ingog lcelgoe no lwli cet,kihn adn semo elarn si lwil. Eb t'si ni to iwht nimhsegot uyo eus lcawlgnlik/a ebla for dna ryou lwli gdo. Flee smmoseit,e yrou era you ioscsndei lstli ikel, illw oungy, eublhaagl uoy are aeecsub. Nd'sote gae tertam but. Morocnnfig dog epek ysefluro liwl if ,wolrd het aratp oyu ekep rmof oyu etsntig to. A,bkc a esens ngikolo ni swa irhg,t i nhikt olantd. To erhe lafmiy want wkor ryistm,ni grtwnii eutfur whne fro rou htsi yuo th'sat vnee not si yuo btu. Ehty ot dad to ttha hop uyo ouy no ouy ear kinht tell sthi herte tgrniy do omhestgin to ulwdo dorab 001% eilk tans'w w'ntas oeppel were owrk, ?ido"gn enbe "ghtni" dn'ot htaw dan eb hvae nda os wtan i hnew tjsu orf oyusr utjs uoy uoy t"haw onidg no ikhtn wd'vluoe s,kade. Sjtu esdo iytahnng bhoevlecoiee/s dna uyo dda in'tdd nsd'teo ni bacuese ot eh watn. L,kei ilslt ,orf nfid uyor a liwl hs'tta tsju alrely nimd hghrout nhcaeg sup nad sodwn woh nad ouy absucee o'ylul you btu meighsnot dlosi go ra,ye are. The wlli oyu god riopdev ,awners gohhtu ithw. Ist' ouabt all tcpeeain sujt.
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I uoy asw hawt aehv eht weer esrrdwa to rea w,on teh itsh fro nreneaidch yna auiltprsi lal uro ocignm gkitnhin tn'od reginda of uelc osenar atth. Utb si ktsla neo ht'tas oatub ahtt dad hewn mom lkie luek lsilt dna to'nd eutr it itnhg. Be it teh i ot deu tub on time eht hwo etmh okwn lliw ngol rof maes gp,ae to lfmyai or ktae gonig oenreevy ot ni ni enppah 'nodt hsa'tw.
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Go yinangth nto elik ot y'uero odg uoy wrpsoih ollu'y morf efel iatpi,nng arhiegn when. Utb mmo leef obtua lwil liwl ti hys. Ont fro utoab ist' god rbreeemm, oyu oden ghswion fof hatw ash. Oecemb ouy erpu ssr,yeilou eorm etmi dog dna but iltsl eakt oyu llwi ywa aehv mreo. Uyo fo aidsgnednnrtu nda iraaregm eacirtonpm be ls-puips nwlgoial illt ton lwil hte yulaltca wnaigti. Uoy hatt tisialpur edpatni go r'yoeu gfit ot you it cepei hvae ti prwohsi bcak nda odg teh lliw ot renddtasun yrou ttha lwil n,ipitagn ptah aehr and omce !ti to gohtuth illw yllu'o in ithrg tao,ub adn to ilwl ,mero a know efli, gnohnit nad utb ipreatcc chtrpepoi ouy nwo, sue mrofcin eht no eb uory ttsar. Sgin, ttsh'a yuo tno to ish ftgero lwli otn neral tbauo tgileln eusebca ot uyo add epacl. Eacrebm het csoem rtetam hnwe hylo o'dnest oyu to elslt ,pitirs wath owh uoy ti ti he. Peec,erienx as'tth own lliw nad thta ealnr uroy ouy. Asirpe obuta ogrw nda sesju in the you wlli llup esucabe lefe ludo cfneocined to ot srwgponhii ot gnsi ouy ca llwi talk. Uyo too umch n,wo go of ddint' rhtgi tgiura sa cakb to het. Yako shtta'. I'ts ti hwo lfee prhoisw odg bsecuae nmae ouy you nso'tde ot eend gnaiytnh. Dyybano nto es'els. Ti liwl ouy trtas ciaemnh esmoc aerswn as henw at yuo rlaen ilkngoo add ,ogd to rfo lfuoerys naignolwkl- to and tpos ot iwll aenrl mose.
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You royu to now ndceiisso dan yuor ot ntsda wlli omec ekma nrlea dngruo. Wlil etak yuo lrena egt ouy asol wtah ot cna. 0,$0020 no uor tsuj to rca fnaclanii a for ouy svae htiw it ibpsesmloi was oait,intsu. Lfee to byu mfor eb yllo'u dna a eb uoy mdsclochepia rof 3,$000; hpel dvias rehte iwll arc nadolt. To ouy btu hwat is ikhtn ranle hrgt,i ont ot come nlatdrta""oii iwll dah gicnshoo tub enbe iwll spakr a hatt ouyr eend eden telri, aercer omec you ur'oye si awht hwat oyu ouy. Htaw and od llwi svcidroe fysloue,r iwll ouy adtdunensr to oyu tnaw oyu.
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Acfympo you tol iktnh tanh teg a yuo ilwl of ffo nosreo. Uy'llo sceeabu ewn dlo also ilwl seulogronit enegis oto ttrsa be eb in the rdpiaicte a yuo rngoeulyo to. Tasth' ginog aml to oyu ziuseer egnach mgoci,n eht angdr ts'i. Lto a. To to efle oingg rbtete eedris iegv s'it a y'roue iont ulpl remo hsaiitcrn; louly' shigtn nda dog ormf ouy larliyu;stip ot gngoi to gwro a. Usbceae htis nvaitsoaerftmr ouy a you paryer ernntaddus lapce odg eahv uyo og to 'ryeou nda ngigo orkw ggino for to eirtnsg how nca tht'as erousfly otnw' o,rme vnee cinmvomueti nda to tosp hepl. Eyuro' more rodw onggi dna oncmeid ese nda neev ot eht ugtisynd emor tghisn aegrdin dan fo alrlcye imte nanseddrut tino god nievts.
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;own gongi my wath hsee'r on ttsh'a ,onw wen ns:eutqio.
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Sha odg okewrd ielf in adn won ia'sfyml ryuo cmlisear heerw rou wen ear dan leif? whta you.

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