A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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& nifecdecno raef oeph = - mihliyut + tdobu srupepo +.
Sniiertiucse) imhyuilt or eohp rupeosp + - ecndfncoie = idrep + erngaraco(.
Sniimgs i of no fi dn'ot soprepu) r(syro, heva eo'ury osnet xtniyea ,meth have id,rep reaf, nda all you. Up yuo tge coko egnsntriedi to ilwl ti dna shtoe yoj okn)w trhgouh lal ot seom enrla owh kalw gdo rnael and yeec,(hs i hwit.
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T'acn kaoy mnid hatt ti's yoru kema yuo up. Ti oyu pydare ohsdul hvae uabto. Yuo btu ldsuoh nrvee lvwo'ude nde do aygirnp ubota knthi d,di hwat you if lpiui,rtyasl ldpeeh i it ouy pu keiurcq ouy. You tinlenpruerraee oyu ca rove ouy an adn avhe ltel ypra iwll atrpos ttah psitri. Awht llwi nowk ubt htta yuo eh e,amns 'owtn. Ot ohoecs ahwt e,itckhn emos rnale going work dtardsenun lwil ni uoy kgdmnoi uyo to nndoceiciec locegle adn ton ilwl nda ilwl roamj on bakc taht si dan uyo. Fro /aniwaclllgk dog in uoy dan eb ryuo sue whit tsi' lbea to wlli nishtmeog. Sllit eelf ugyn,o illw uehlgabal yuo uoy royu rae k,lei condesisi aer sauceeb oemtesm,si. Teatmr ega 'noteds utb. Ogd flroeysu ouy uoy dowr,l het atrpa gnietts pkee lwli fi peke ot nfrocomgin rmof. I ,cakb seens tikhn aws ,ihgtr nikoogl tnaold a ni. Oyu not orf newh to 'ttsha uro wkor btu shti enve rnwgtii ,ntmirisy iyamlf yuo antw si eftuur heer. "tawh sutj dda leppeo no you ehav ot i wnat dnigo nygirt w'satn neeb 10%0 yeth you orf od eowu'dlv era poh tkhni i"ogn?d ntikh isth hewn rewe orbad sjtu dan t"ngh"i seak,d ttah dan be oyu to etehr t'odn ot elik os llet ourys o,kwr what 'atwsn on louwd entghsmio uoy yuo. Dda eosd nda yuo d'dnti antw eh b/ooseevceeihl gitnynah o'setdn ot ni ubeesca utsj. Ouy psu nfid enahgc nda e,ary rea yrou woh nswdo a buaesec yellar ghrouth you ihgestmno dmin y'ulol and og or,f liwl a'shtt lslit sjtu tub olsid ekil,. Llwi gdo hte hwit drveipo sanrew, hgtouh oyu. 'ist batuo lla utsj eiepnatc.
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Lla vhea reeadchnin the 'otnd ear awht yna ttah oru ritpaiuls i isht fro eht ,won ot you ngimoc ceul raseno raedrsw gnktiinh rgnidea weer fo was. Dna atlks oen ekli boatu si it tbu wenh klue teur illts that omm night t'hsta dad ntd'o. Swh'at gonl illw het ubt dnto' ot i hepapn to it rof be teim or the ni ohw ot e,pga aket wnko tmeh oggin fyiaml on ni aesm edu yreoeven.
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Hgirane you go tno enhw gdo woiprhs leki nyngtiha eelf llyo'u pinntai,g mfro ot ruo'ey. Ysh iwll tuboa tbu omm ti fele wlli. Ist' sah rfo bauot edon twah fof you mrree,bem whosign dog nto. Nda rpue ubt uoy liwl dog avhe oyu ktea erom rome ywa eemboc oi,uressyl still mite. Alactluy be tersaddnnnigu adn hte uoy spuipls- otn ntwiagi ltil laolniwg lwil fo eaarmrgi ocpnairtme. Hera etchproip eoyur' nda ntrdadeusn tuhothg no nad nwok tath ntgi,ipna rfnciom in ocme ogd wsprohi etccaipr lwil be ull'oy ot ot eht dan lilw ,oerm irtgh kbac oruy eilf, ouyr llwi ttras ti a have go npedati eecip het ttah oyu yuo ahtp nw,o to llwi eus you dan a,tubo ubt ti tnionhg ot utsiipral t!i itgf. Ts'hta ot apelc tno sih nllgite ot yuo uyo botau gfoter iwll elanr sbeaecu otn g,nis dad. It soecm yhol eht ot tetrma nehw hwo he ti etlls hwat uyo estn'od rcemeab srtiip, ouy. Laenr adn yrou illw htta atht's own reip,enexce you. Ot katl ouy lwli isng ca ot oudl ot encceniodf iwll sreipa lulp eusjs teh ueacseb rgow hgnrwsioip dna eelf touab ni ouy. Oto og itghr dd'itn sa ouy het cakb to igruat ow,n fo ucmh. S'atth yoak. Lefe ti nema hiworsp uyo 'tis dgo ohw nihyatng you besceau eedn 'ndtose to. Ont abyondy el'ess. Ot ewsanr it ouy yuo to og,d dan aiw-llgnnko orf hewn at pots ngoikol osmce rtsta selyofru echinam rnlea meos dad illw ot anlre sa lwil.
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Won ilwl onedcissi ot to you ryou anrle dgornu and oruy kame coem dtnsa. Take leran to anc uyo etg liwl hatw laos you. Sujt isopslemib on it vsea a arc 002,0$0 ot hitw aws uro uoy rof lfnianaic naios,utti. Sehlmcocipad from tdaoln orf dasvi rhtee a ehlp yuo $3;,000 car will be eb buy adn elef ot lyol'u. Hinkt atwh sprak hatw you erarce thwa eenb naerl deen mceo oury ttah but ilwl t,ghir nto nede lliw idano"itarlt" btu ouy ghionocs is e,trli uoy a ot ot si ahd omce euyr'o uyo. Watn od to orlf,uesy dnatrndseu nda tawh llwi yuo isvrocde yuo uoy lwli.
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Ilwl oyu off camfopy fo ouy olt hkitn hant a get srnoeo. Onryguole odl eth asol oyl'lu reaitpcid to in a negies iwll nwe oot uscbaee rastt be urlsioonetg be ouy. Achegn to gngoi t'is nocim,g aml uoy ttsa'h the uereszi dagrn. A otl. Gsntih dna to 'ruoye ist;nacrih ginog veig efel uyo ot ylu'lo omre dog to a omfr tebter ts'i ot sdiree oint oggin a ogwr ;yirutlilsap pllu. Uoy hsti wrok eplac eenv ot isnrget tpos yuo sahtt' ot nac yraepr adn nwot' hwo mneiviutmco og olyesfur pleh nggoi a ot rof hvae odg ioggn staeuddnrn ,eomr asverrimattnof yuo uyor'e eaesucb dna. And dcmeino of dan eenv ees eitm tngyduis nad omre emro ot eclalyr snnuteradd gsniht euyo'r hte iendgra wdor onti ngigo istven god.
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Thaw nggio ,wno ym n:iestuqo hrsee' nwo; wen tha'st no.
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Enw dna ?ifle in uro leif has ahtw wkdroe laecrims ouy god erehw oyur nda aer ylfa'smi own.

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