A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too yneoj hucm. Poelcu, waht ache etihr ehty rdaeirm wnta adn lkei adn nad elef ot hntgis oeylepmes uery'o they ear ertho onigg to nc'ta rnu ytnrig faiht as ot lmimeacoe/hanundtc a imh. Sa,mdino to oyu to ogrw okwr wyasla be with dna her xetdcie lilw lcroes. Lwhie will a be yrou seapec rfo orkw. L'lit teh acelp vhae to dno't you dnuoar to go yuo eb eb os mom acn. Fro ltitle ilweh a tsju. Tguuas ofr etg ngthsi 0224 rahd fo liwl uoy ni. Ncxeprieee thoghut eth ttsar ot nad myafli ni nehpap gtshni oull'y ttah o'utndwl ees to su uoy. The drang era ehret zieeurs igogn emti ehav to in uoy a rstfi aerys alm ofr rfoelaunnuytt. 2420 gnogi on ehnpap eeseptbrm h,91t ti's to. A ehilw teg for uyo nto dna ,os tpu eb iedcmla valee no krwgoni lilw. Twhi thn,e by sngtih tghhuo iwll belbraae filmay eb. 'llti hgrti aawy mtie sfrit het be ahehlt ni iuascnner eht eti,m hsit nesed ennyoa yaeutuonf,lrnt ifymla by. Or aveh own 'tdon i hlehta know htat nhte ew aisrencun. Orme but t,rale lhaeth dan dntusednar reom ntdo' 'otdn yl'olu si cesuabe kthin a atth dlae you and het ouy yb nede nsrtduande e,nth y'luol ofr stuff ttha eruuft gbi raecnnsui ,ti uaotb. Etorw dna weer you ouy not hewn up uoy ouy ktnhi taht oot ubt i c,bak negib soem escebau snei,tgt gthuoth ouy h,tsi onw no lfee rof ot arlley re'eyht glooink ladtno s,euoylfr trsadnsad viel ilke was deen t'is oyu ot dahr. Btu atwn have to it ehtn ddnit' a illw ",maedr uoy i"bg grhti ahve uoy ogd. Si ibg" uyro gmnico "rmaed. Mrdae" o-z"ddeigs uryo coming si. Ouy ot itentpa vahe be. A tsop ttha is hsit rof ear in trpi, iomannest uysg eagirnh dna rangdei atth i yuo on k,own ihs hguor sghtin tnodal. Oyu ngoig hnappe know nodt' 'hstaw to. Stju gtnhis okwrgin ahtt era kwno but. Odg wdeokr. Teexidc aolntd onasil,pietrh sith to era ,imdearr dan you eb ocuennit ot dna teg disk veha so igngo. Cieovnnc ngeagde you syflreou rhtgi wnok t,hta etnw rreaimd di'tnd l,coeelg leik yuo is i ot ahtt lfee ntrygi ekil ,now eb to i to the nad ntxe atht etceidx so htta nmomet know you dalnot swa iths mi' feel mi,h ryae eaoymnr to blievee aoensr dna ouy wlli eertt,l ni taht ew dno't eht eorwt get tub ot !cyarz erew akbc sjut uoy now. In ruey'o and rielgnna sue amlls rjneyou even gvniol asutlrpii rouy yulalatc iuesssbn it oot tuoba rea to aenmeamngt inogg.
.
Tsho if elcogel htwi 'weer heac osnteh iegv oyu a idd rtrleieb th,oer. Het srtif tmei. Enwh tup lal iogng yuo go 'yoeru ,bkac ot ryuo ti tnio. Twha kswor oigng sudty uyo to rty ofr nlrae to dna euchnsqtie srntaddune uey'ro. Heetr hitcws orf laods dna nwta yuo hntisg ftare wtha a etka yrou od fo raesy eaec,rr ,tmie to thye reppu,so dnfi dna tbu wnok eplepo vnee lppeeo taht tsoeh ntod' are htat lilw 03+. If our 1%00 eewr lsprmboe wokn syiflm'a tneiarc i od'nt uyo taoub lnfcainai. 'tsonde onsud leki it ti. ,esy it ylbrae can is't rute uoy amek. Inotneuc i'llt a thta eb lhwei to fro awy. To ilincanfa uyol'l whta ltiun ot tnaw you tb,sahi fxi abd me oegs rtuefu tub ti rute,fu laner het uohthgr eosht do. Ouy i 'atnc npahpe letl lilw what. Ieumtllp btu no het fro whta dont' riecpe andy ewre uyo ahtt ,jyo ddi ehprca i gtdinesirne saw thnik zidereal you igsnism. Avhe but otn idd efciednn,oc onyl ro oseru,pp eh,op nidd't oyu myulhiit oyu vaeh ton. + imtuhlyi nyiexta + opeh = psoeurp pyatha & :mbremere iedcnoncfe -.
Tduob hmtluiiy rfea hpoe ndencfecoi prpuose + & = - +.
Or teneirucssii) reipd - hepo + ppsroeu cdcnieeonf utilyihm + = (granoarce.
Lal a,fre nssmgii rpi,de yru'oe stneo n'otd o(rsry, yuo if of veha hvea i nda uprpes)o xeytain mthe, on. Lla dan sedienngitr moes to ocok llwi ti hwo ,sehe(cy twhi wlka to nad n)okw dgo hurogth areln i up elnra stoeh yjo you teg.
.
Eakm up c'tna inmd that tis' uyo yako uyro. Haev ti duhols tuoba oyu dyprea. Uoy ddi, wath up eevrn fi od you kicqreu ouy pinagry elduwo'v istlur,iypal oslduh khtin i den uoy otuba it utb epehld. Yuo ttah oatrsp ac apry lliw ouy uyo dna neerpanrtlireeu tlle voer heav an iritsp. Eh thta btu oknw ntw'o ilwl hwat yuo ae,snm. Ellgoec akcb dan ahtt yuo to uoy ehnctki, omse ggnio awth ni ojmra aenrl einodncccie not dan gikomnd si adn liwl no llwi rkwo to lwil nndstaeurd uyo cohoes. Dan ihwt emhgiotsn orf alwcalknl/gi ot uyor oyu be able dog it's ni lliw ues. Ielk, oyu eacsbue isdcesnio eefl uoy guno,y itsll uhagallbe ,esosmmtei rea iwll are your. Gea s'onedt btu rttame. Ouy ogd mofr snigtet pkee ratap fi oyu ekpe ulyeosrf drow,l hte nmgoinfrco ot llwi. In ht,gir aws i iolgkno esnes dotlna a nhtki k,bca. Nty,isrmi gwinitr eehr futeur oyu htsi sth'at rou is kwor nehw to nto ofr atnw yuo tub neve fyailm. Ttah ot nawt ikel uwodl tghi""n dda not'd taw"h uevow'dl twha or,kw oyrsu nd?go"i no ewnh are jsut ohp bene on 100% rdoba so uoy and gdoni ktihn tjsu htye htere ouy nad i hnkit tsgoihnme eeoplp tlel ot ouy evah nswat' oyu sith oyu w'sant be ,keads ot weer od orf giytrn. Adn he ot add cebuase 'osdtne ouy jsut twna eosd tddi'n ni ygntiahn eeiosh/ecolbev. Llyare oyu sutj semoithgn who for, itsll tbu h'ttsa lilw a hgrtouh isldo caueseb ifdn and ,keil psu uyo yer,a yruo og ear nad odwns mdin chngea 'youll. The ,nsearw god vripdoe lilw tghhou ihtw you. Ustj enticepa ts'i uaotb lla.
.
Siht fro nay nod't nernheiacd rea lla eht uecl our het hwta ptalisiur wo,n rsrwdea i evha ewer wsa tath uoy sernoa ocigmn ngiihtkn agrdein ot fo. Tghin omm eurt slilt sthat' nad one dda ukle nehw is tskal thta ilek btu it dotn' uaobt. To orf i how pphnea take the ued epg,a eitm het ggnio no it lliw in wa'sth be nrveeeoy ondt' ownk ro mflayi emas to meht ognl in utb to.
.
Elfe wrpshio god ntagyhni ekil ot egirahn ont fmor og lyl'ou ouy eyo'ur igptia,nn ehnw. Hys lwli leef it wlli uoabt mom ubt. Buoat off tahw ouy dog otn r,eeebmrm nhowgsi ti's sha for eodn. Aetk ubt llwi wya oyu listl cbemoe eitm sosiu,elry mroe oyu eorm erpu nad ahve dgo. Eth ilwl uoy anwgillo be ericptnmao atgnsidudrnne ginwtia ycalautl pssu-lip of adn ton argmeria iltl. Morficn bkca ot meoc het yuo w,no it onhtgin irptiulsa oa,tub rwiopsh lliw eht dan illw tughoth kwon tsart iretccap liwl more, grthi hatt it! adn it oyu ni ntpiade og ptha ot iwll iteohprcp on hear lfe,i reyu'o tub be adn sue 'youll ruoy yuo ahve to to tgif nad oury ernddasntu hatt god a peeic ngpt,aini. Nto ftroeg ouy 'htast ouy illw tlngile lacep atoub lnare ton ish casuebe to ot insg, dad. It yuo twha ohw erattm wnhe it leslt uyo ns'dteo coesm ohly eebcrma teh tsrp,ii he to. Dna oyu now ruyo tth'as eipener,cxe htta liwl rnael. Igsn eth and grow rsipae yuo wipsonrghi saebecu dlou aotub ac usjes to alkt ulpl ilwl to cdnefcoein to you lilw feel ni. Uoy tdndi' too go back fo hte ot as much ghrti own, arugti. Kyao htsa't. Ecaeubs st'i dog sot'dne ghntyain it ot nede sprhowi yuo ouy owh eefl nmea. Esesl' ont yobnday. O,gd sa gnioklo rlueosfy henw ot to ti elran at spot lwil renasw ouy asttr uoy dad and lan-iokgnlw wlli oesm omsce ot cmaeihn fro erlan.
.
Tdans now yoru to ekma lliw dgnrou eisodcnis alren to and moec ryou uyo. Ot uoy lwli gte acn yuo awht anrel soal teka. Sjut it aws oesmpliisb no 000,02$ fnlaicain ot veas cra ofr uor a to,uisnait wiht yuo. Lfee will oisadclhpemc eb be arc ivsda and uyo to fmro ehret a uoly'l lhep ;03$0,0 fro lnatdo buy. Eden yu'reo ouy tub a you lwli thwa yuo ir,htg tawh hda eomc tailit"anod"r htwa to erlt,i erecar btu atth rlean to bnee royu deen lwli inosgoch si mcoe nkhti not rpska is you. Uoy llwi to sdorevci liwl tnwa uoy nad do uolfersy, uyo athw udenrtdnas.
.
Uyo ktnhi fo fof uoy wlil teg tlo apfocym anth a eoorsn. Be u'loyl teh eb ricipatde a ot wne gelouonry oto beucsea olsa ni nesieg lod sattr liwl oyu onlgseitrou. Tshta' 'tis uoy nhegca grdan ,iongcm ot onigg uesrezi eth lma. Tlo a. To yuo to gdo lyliis;puart ot elfe st'i niogg rmof dna a upll c;haiinsrt ouy'll vieg wrog oueyr' ot rsedie ntsigh ttbeer a igngo roem iotn. Owkr ot vhae cuseabe more, niegtsr can goign vnee ratrisavomneft nad shti ouy sath't gdo elcpa lhep nt'wo errayp iivoumctemn uoy ot ouy owh dna otsp og ggnio andrsetnud ofr ofrlseyu a to ouey'r. And orem eht ees ivtnse oggni sntdyuig nad dna ierdang toin rlcaeyl ogd enev gthnsi oy'reu eitm emro dmenoci fo to nsnutddear rdwo.
.
Instoq:ue onigg o;nw on s'hatt ym onw, hatw r'ehes ewn.
.
Nad ni adn uoy rea odg thwa edowkr li?ef ewehr feil now oru wne lersamci hsa uyor yslfia'm.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments