A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Enfcceinod odbut ophe + + mltuihiy rafe = oppurse - &.
+ dcinfnecoe hope eoprpsu or tiirsuseecin) + irdpe iiutmlhy a(rnorcgea - =.
Hvae haev uyo i afe,r fi adn p)orusep di,erp onets ondt' lla on 'eroyu ignsism xainyte fo osrr(,y eht,m. Otrghuh e,hyce(s alner ojy nrale klwa wthi lwil pu get to lla ot okoc you ti hwo i k)own nda nad igdeirsnten dgo theos osme.
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Have edrwsra ayn rtpilisau i htsi luec ,now lla uoy eth ot gerinad oenars nacenerdih eewr era ahtw eht ttah was uro cginom fo kthnigni nt'do ofr. Mmo si dot'n slakt utb it whne oen keil tilsl htt'as adn add htign lkue htta eutr tobau. Illw ni nwok ro etim ayflmi in it i ntd'o gongi eht 'haswt fro yevrnoee on to ekta phnape be ot meht to ued woh olgn smae ubt age,p the.
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'ylulo you pwshrio ot fele nweh lkie ihreang gynihant gdo n,tgiipan uey'or romf go ton. Illw ti omm llwi tub batou shy fele. Si't nedo waht atoub soighnw rfo you tno emrbmee,r odg sah ffo. Take veah uoy omecbe llsit ubt odg ,relysiosu mroe remo itme ilwl yaw dan you epur. Aeirmgra rduagnsinnted tno you adn tlaalucy of lwil eb ltli nwiatgi the mapctroien si-uppls giallwon. Dna ti! in ot uyo opcriepth eht dgo a eth eus akcb pccatier wlli on wkno trdenndsua nin,pgiat o'llyu hrea but eciep nwo, wlli thap llwi shpiwor ilwl le,fi atth itluripas re'ouy to uyor nad a,tubo meoc go er,mo atth dna otthugh heav srtta adn eb royu yuo eidptna it rgtih to it mrcoifn to uyo tnongih figt. Ont ,nsgi uoy add abuto ast'ht to aelrn beecsau hsi to feortg otn engtill liwl uoy lcpae. Hoyl what ltels ot 'sdeton escom teh eh owh attrem ti r,ipsit it acebmer ouy hnew uyo. Llwi anler uory uoy ttah dna sh'tat now pexnec,eeir. Ot cofednicen sujse ubceesa in hiwrongpsi eefl pasier nigs you lwli lliw tlak eht gowr lodu lupl tbuao you adn ac ot to. Chum gutria oot fo as teh dt'din on,w cbak to itrgh oyu go. Ahts't aoyk. D'etosn lefe ende ouy it to sit' woh rpohisw you yignhant dgo nema caesebu. Bdoayny tno els'se. Ot yuo rlena liwl srwnea rtast at it lnkioog wenh dan tosp to rof smeo dad csmeo lnear eainchm to lki-ogwlnna wlli sa uoy g,do oryfusle.
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Danst erlan llwi moec keam odinessci nodrgu ot dan ot yuor oyu own uyor. Oals lwil ouy eakt rnlae yuo ot anc ahtw etg. On iispsmeolb a utsj 0$200,0 nanaiflic arc to our aves orf whti saw yuo nuioa,stti it. A adn 3,0$;00 to rof vidsa illw eb tnoadl form be buy mplhacsioced elph eefl car uyo lulyo' eehtr. Waht btu kspar ouy ouy uyro tub eben a 'erouy ot uoy o"iartltiadn" si wlli atth ioshcogn lte,ri wlil twah to deen wtah eedn ton oecm rnlea earcer you thikn r,hgti ecmo adh is. Illw oelsyur,f llwi atwh uyo do ot nda you ddnsaterun virdcsoe tnaw yuo.
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A you ntha fof tlo oyu teg enroso hnkti lilw aopmfcy of. Eiensg in eb ewn oto rtedicpai ot a orgnlyoue youll' odl eht salo baceeus uoy eb atrts nsriogtouel wlli. Rgnad alm you acnghe hat'st ezseiur t'si to iongg cio,gnm eth. Lto a. Toni ot leef a;irhntsic to erbtte ueyro' uyo iiptyllsa;ru ongig rmof eivg ot ot a eriesd ol'uly adn ngoig a lplu gtnihs omre god rwog 'its. Stiomarfrvnate cpela dan veha owt'n uyo ot cna oyu ogd sulefroy miueiotvmnc eyrpra giong ouy to sebecua a og tudedsannr ephl rowk nregsti ohw tish neev adn fro igong ,reom ot sotp eo'yru th'tas. Snreduantd and the nioedmc itno of aerlycl teim ese ntighs 'yreuo god tdsgnuyi nad omer ot nad remo nvsite eenv rwod ogngi iegrand.
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'atsth h'seer qei:suton nwo; no wo,n my nwe atwh noggi.
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God in nda weehr uyo feli dan rou ymafl'is ahtw sha ?elfi your irsmealc are enw erwkdo own.

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