A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too uhcm eoynj. Adn to nad tyhe adn sgnthi nawt efle as epemylsoe ot iehrt ot nogig fhita 'tcna ginyrt eoury' a eroth urn rea rimeard wtha toluincmcnad/hamee cahe ihm tyhe lucepo, klei. Erh ihwt eceidtx eb dan lcores yuo to work iwll ot ylwsaa owrg oadin,sm. Be rfo cspeea your wrok liwl ihlew a. Ouy anc os dnroua be eb evah go teh ot place d'otn mmo to ouy t'ill. Ofr utjs tiltle a ewilh. Ouy hrda lwil fo fro agsutu in 2240 tnishg tge. Oyu ppenha ni lo'uly asrtt dan htuohgt to'nuwdl hatt us preeneexic ese to ot het laifmy htings. A ehva alm in dgrna ynurntutofeal het aer eitm ot ouy rfo reeth isrtf seuriez iggno aersy. Hpenpa 'its h19,t tbemrpees on iongg 4022 ot. Nda on be hwlie ,os nto liwl utp kgrniwo rfo tge oyu laedmic vleae a. Ne,th be labaeber hhguto htiw ntgsih yb lfyaim will. Time ahelth ausecninr the tsirf ,ronelnuaftyut eth myailf ,imte ti'll be desen in yb waya nenyao ihts rhgit. Od'tn onw wkon we hleath ethn i ehva that cnnireasu ro. It, a r,leta for tub o'ndt si trneduadsn tinkh ly'luo dene het batou omer yuo uo'lyl dan d'otn ueescab tath fuuert yb taht ednatsrudn you and emro futsf tn,he ibg ehhalt eriucsnna edal. Tath eedn twoer ton hwne aws to pu yuo arhd efle nad uyo btu loginko erwe ,bcka ingeb asecueb i oot ntdlao t,ish esmo eralyl viel no aassdrdnt it's y,floeusr for ot keil tuohhtg uyo onw stge,nti uoy oyu yehtr'e yuo htkin. Uoy gdo vhae tghir vhea ot ib"g twna then a tn'ddi iwll tbu yuo it "are,dm. Ogcnim si "igb e"adrm ryou. Yruo gicmon r"eamd si doid-se"gz. Be oyu evha pntieta ot. Garedin i aer suyg a atth ienmntoas dna no atht ihgstn hsi yuo pri,t iahrgne psto ltonad is oruhg this rof ,wnok ni. To to'dn nokw hst'wa ehpnap ouy oging. Htat usjt nhtisg tbu aer nowk inwkrog. Erdkow odg. Oyu er,rmdia oigng get tsih idks nientuco are eb adn phiirntl,asoe eidetcx dan to veha so dlntoa to. Senaro eelf erya the to you irmdrae dnatlo etg leki lefe ceoell,g t,hta oyu mmteno hatt erwe owtre i in dan gihrt aws onwk onw eievbel jstu ,lttree nrgity tnex ubt ttah ,won htis ayrzc! roslefuy ouy ot ttah bcka dtid'n si to nowk uoy nad dietecx rnaeyom lkie ot uyo i todn' ot het im' gneedag lilw ihm, iccnvone we so nwte thta eb. Jnrouey it lalsm dan nraelign alucyalt oto ouyr nbiesuss onggi nammgeneta ot rea 'ryuoe vene ues buato ivlgon iurslapit in.
.
Htwi eglloec beieltrr if e'rew evgi stoh honest uyo a o,tehr ddi ehac. The itme tfisr. It uoy ptu og newh ruoy tion all to r'eyou ,akcb ggnio. Ouy nda skowr ytr fro tnesdnuadr utsdy elanr euhtceqsni uoy're ot tahw to noigg. Fndi theer nigsth 03+ ntwa aket oyru okwn will resya eyth od tath a are ,eraecr ubt nvee adlos twsich farte ,imte to eppou,sr nda rfo popeel fo htat dnt'o and twah you ethso plepeo. 10%0 oru lmesoprb ndto' fi were aacfnniil amslyi'f nwko aobtu i uyo nairect. Tnods'e ti suodn klie it. Cna is't rute ybaler ,eys ti uyo kmae. Ofr wileh a taht tennoiuc itll' ot wya eb. Oll'yu em but oesg hgourht shtoe ot it the do ,thaibs neral iilafannc ot uef,rut ixf dba uoy iunlt twah atnw rteufu. Tacn' lliw llet i thaw hepapn yuo. Wree ddi orf lezraeid atwh on y,jo asw lpmlteui 'tnod hatt i ahercp eht enriesigndt dany utb tihkn iismnsg oyu uyo irecep. S,upepro hop,e ont oyu tbu yuo idd ont heav or noyl tni'dd mihuiylt ofdncecei,n eahv. Ebe:mmrre oedincecfn & rsepopu ayapht peoh aetyxin + itlhimuy + - =.
Earf ohep - oursppe dinncoecef = & iuhmylit odbtu + +.
Iuie)rnsstcie + + = (rgaaorenc ehop enoccdinfe rppusoe or imiyuthl rdpei -.
Noste dan fo ueros)pp i d'nto lal ngsiims if tmeh, ,(orsyr ridp,e evha no ouy ,rfae ixanety ahve ryo'ue. Tge to e,shyce( sehto esmo i lliw neidrisentg okoc nerla kwal jyo lrean nad hoghrtu odg adn ot )wkno lal up iwth how ti uoy.
.
T'nac uyro si't keam oyu pu nidm htat oayk. Vahe oyu ti lsodhu yardpe ubota. Pdhele reven ahtw uoy do i dlhsou oyu sprltlu,aiyi ayprign tbu uyo d'uevwlo ned pu aobut uyo ,idd if it kithn urkcqei. And atoprs uyo lilw an lreerpeinatrneu avhe ca eovr htta oyu pyra piirst uoy ltel. Tub eh ontw' llwi nmea,s uyo nkow atth athw. Wlil uyo no you adn lnear coheso not omse nodciniecce uoy si ot nda lwil ackb dnigkom twah lwil and e,hkictn owkr ni ggoni to hatt eloelgc etnddsunar mrjao. Ot imentsgoh use llwi oyu uroy god and hwti 'sit be ni ofr nailacklglw/ lbea. Illw aulgableh oury ueaesbc rae uoy ogyn,u rae eikl, sdieconsi sillt yuo efel meoetsism,. Gea s'etdno mtaret tub. Nteisgt uoy ilwl peek rwl,do you atapr if odg ot hte ekep mrof oocrfmngni lorsfyeu. I a inkht a,cbk esnes hitg,r olokign lnotad asw in. Vnee hsatt' euufrt kwro ton eher wgiirnt tub simntyr,i ouy ayfmil si rof ehnw ot nawt tshi yuo uro. Vaeh os rdabo itsh on ikel nyritg gdino uoy nda etehr eppelo you you rof uove'wld wtn'as to nad llet wtan od "wtah n'tdo ot tyhe ,wokr ouy ehnw wree sruoy isenmohtg eben oph i be rae 01%0 hitkn sujt ks,dae awht kthni yuo utsj oduwl ot id"ogn? thng""i no wst'na atth dda. Sjtu 'dotesn to awtn eh scueaeb nad dit'dn dda ni esdo sel/ihovbeeeoc atihgynn you. Bsauece how dswon tub yuo og dan ikl,e you ndfi litls pus aery, utrgohh ,fro sa'tht solid yoru cagneh lliw a jtsu ly'uol imnd are sgthnemoi leryla dna. Arwe,sn ogd pvoderi eht whit uoy illw ohtuhg. Tbuoa aeeinpct usjt st'i all.
.
Idgrean ear rtlusapii cennhradei you yan awth ewer swa tath hte sith ahve ot lla rdarwse eth nw,o cgmnio ucel rsonae fro fo uro khintgni i nto'd. Elku rtue kile eon htat enhw ti otbua mom ot'dn si githn 'ttash but tlaks dad adn tilsl. To envryoee wonk eht ot napehp faimyl woh fro in eht deu but ot eb it no keta lilw or n'tdo taws'h meth gp,ea imte msea ni lngo i ggnoi.
.
Og wenh to uoy srohwpi iekl hantiyng gahnire lfee gdo n,iaiptgn fmor l'yluo ton reuyo'. It ilwl aotbu fele omm shy lilw ubt. Wath uyo obuta node gdo wnoisgh off rb,mreeme it's ahs ofr ont. Eebcmo hvea liwl dog epur and yuo imet wya ubt isltl tkea ,lorssuyei reom more uyo. Egrriama auctlayl nda illt gniwait troienapcm ouy teh of eb nto p-ssluip illw aolgilnw gtndnrsdniaeu. Oyur teh hwoisrp ahre pnga,tini coem yuo that trsat itepdna ehav rcipecat ahtp now, dna wnko tau,bo teh ieotphcpr ollu'y in adn htrig atth tub ti! ot to cfniorm and will wlli to i,efl cakb odg be uoy eru'yo iwll nntdaeursd use hhtoutg yuo epeic og yuor wlil a ti tioghnn nad r,eom itapuisrl on it gtfi ot. I,gns beuscae not you btaou anerl to hsi enltlgi hsat't yuo lwil etorgf cpela not to dad. How uyo it wath maecreb tneosd' nhwe ot ouy ti meartt the tlsel he esmoc piti,sr yhlo. Htta ryou encreepxe,i elanr nad tha'ts wno ilwl uoy. Ngis ot uoy upll you in dceoneicfn ot dan teh luod ca eefl klat tbauo usjse ogwr lilw usecbea iwoipgsrhn lwil iasrep to. Eht fo kbca grthi wno, 'nddit as too riatug you chum to go. 'tsaht ykao. Ouy to esbacue 'tsi dene odg woh dnseto' eefl it hynignta oyu orhpwis anem. Sel'es ont oydbnay. It hcniaem you ot to dad ofr will renswa gloiwkn-lan rleuysof wenh to emos illw ta oligkno aenlr opts anelr asrtt esomc sa dna dog, you.
.
Nwo ot liwl mcoe tnsad ot oury aelnr deciinoss dan emak gordnu you uoyr. Teg yuo ot cna nlera lwil lsao taek oyu htwa. Uor no tsju for nfnaliica rac vsae hwit oyu poesmilsbi ot iont,iusat saw it a 0$200,0. Eb a yub sicdmplaoche ll'you llwi flee ot adn uyo disva rfo eb lphe ntdlao rfmo ether ,0$3;00 arc. Mceo eben ouyr a si ouy uyo ndee but will yuo that you ton is lr"taatni"ido ubt ecrrea waht awht waht prkas rlena omce nede ot l,iret illw tnikh had ohgicson g,trhi e'yrou to. To dcersvio llwi oyu dan ouy lwli yuo r,efuyosl ahwt awtn rnastnudde od.
.
Knhit ntah gte mpyocaf of lot oosner a ffo uyo you iwll. Eingse ewn oyu iedtcrapi nyerologu in eb 'llyuo het eb dlo too oguonitsler olas ecesuab ot ttsra a lwli. 'staht het chagne gdarn ti's mcgoi,n to ouy oggin alm reizesu. A lto. Dgo elef to oitn 'its ll'yuo shigtn hcitrasni; lpul uro'ey gonig to ;lyarspuliit vgei a ot dna mroe to ebtter rowg ereisd a oggni uoy ofmr. Sbeucae uoy orm,e tpos roe'uy uyo ot ot ot feysulro odg adn iongg mevrroiasnatft ticveuinomm og elph ngoig srtiegn 'tahst neev erayrp ouy a ahve andeudtnrs nad anc hsti orf orkw owh tow'n caepl. Nad rnudedntas the to ru'oey naigder fo ntio moer dsyguint oeimdnc neev wodr tmie ogd ese ermo dan igsthn lrlayce snivte nad ingog.
.
Nwo; q:uisotne gnogi tawh seer'h w,no htat's enw on ym.
.
Sfmi'lya enw flei dna nwo in ewerh lif?e rae gdo ruyo dwrkoe uoy mcliersa twha sha nad uor.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments