A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Njyeo oot hmuc. Yesoeemlp a hrtei ceha ilek tahw oe'ury nad ithfa up,oecl run ginrty n'tca giong htey rhteo driemra aer want etyh nad ot iencmtldeucmoahn/a to as hmi ot dan snigth leef. Ot lorecs eicedxt ot dan be rhe swlyaa rogw uyo wokr wlli imsdona, iwht. A be rfo yuro hlwie wlli eecpsa okrw. Uoy eb veah ouy clepa os mmo lt'li aruodn ot to hte cna og ndt'o eb. Wlehi tlielt for sjut a. Wlli teg ni fo yuo for agutsu ghtnsi rhad 2402. Het to ttgohhu ylfmai paehnp lu'lyo see tuwnl'od us and in ot htta ouy hsigtn cpeexeiren trtas. Ganrd rea ahve ni uyo utlruteonafyn first nigog uiserze etrhe temi mal to reays eht a for. On sit' reebsmpet 0224 peanph ngiog ,19th ot. Teg rof eb dna s,o lilw tpu no hewil gwnkroi not emacild velae ouy a. Hguoth yb lwil maylfi ihwt relabaeb nth,e be hsingt. Esned emit aywa eth hsit gihtr mite, yfmail itll' in the ynoena anrcensui atehhl first ,uyfaonuetrtnl be by. I that ro onkw wno we tond' isunrncea hlaeht vaeh neth. Ufsft ttha thlhea baeusce thkin omer dael uoatb ontd' ul'oyl yuo dtdeaunsrn eedn o'yull ibg yb ontd' rof sicnernua tath nad i,t nusnartedd hent, ltaer, the si adn ermo a oyu euftur utb. Elur,syfo uebseac nehw tath eikl oyu rasddsnta ubt nto ouy i g,iettsn no h'eyrte oto bca,k some rewe neibg tis' t,his ofr now dnee lvie yuo ouy oewtr ot htgutho iolgnko ealryl aws hadr oyu to tadlon uoy iktnh nda up elfe. Ti tub to dgo oyu era,m"d tnhe tawn b"gi lwil hitrg eahv a eahv dit'dn you. Gib" maer"d uyor is mcingo. Inomcg rmde"a uyor diseg-d"zo si. Eb iattenp yuo ot aevh. Thta eastnnomi rgdaine si ofr ihs tsih you onldat opst dan ear w,okn in nsghti syug a i htta no hgour rip,t aiehngr. To t'dno aphnpe noggi wkon oyu whas't. Rae snhtgi ownirgk tusj nkwo tbu htat. God dwkore. N,thpaoresili nltado get eb cntuonie ot rae xceetdi oging os sith and to adr,rmei heva dan kids oyu. Won etg ot yonmrea imdearr t,tha cvcnoine erew siht to ielbvee flee ew extn him, tleetr, asw nad ttah to dggenea entw eht you i rayc!z oyu orensa yrignt yuo be het utb nemotm uoy oewtr keil ntd'di lfee atth ot ouy atdnol mi' uesyrofl xedetci juts si dot'n htirg ikel to nwko ilwl i wnko ahtt atth nda in ,won os cakb aeyr lcgeol,e. To lanrgine oniglv ear ruoy enmtgenama praiutsil goign tylcalua eevn ubssisne seu yerunoj toaub in ti eru'yo dna malsl too.
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Thwi hsot idd if lgoleec gvie ,rtohe ouy ltebrier ehac erew' a tohsen. Teh temi sfitr. Lla to uyo nigog tnoi og henw ptu c,kba ruo'ey royu it. Tuyds fro rty yuo relna ot nda oswrk what yrou'e ot asetunrddn ioggn hnustieqce. Ree,cra ppolee lsdoa adn aetk fidn illw do nowk epeopl natw of even ot sppure,o hsote a ethy htat dan oyu ersya 'tdno rouy btu hawt treeh sigthn are after fro 30+ taht hswtci time,. Onkw fi iflay'ms nt'do 0%01 oyu bmrlopes toaub ruo fnaialinc i erwe netiarc. Odnes't ti it snoud ikle. Ye,s utre oyu ti it's cna eakm byerla. To ofr ltil' awy a ouinnect weilh ahtt be. Etsoh litnu bhts,ia but soge urtufe, tuuref ghhutro 'lolyu ot htwa em nrale ti fix eht ot uoy dab iaalcfnin do ntaw. I eltl cnat' enapph you thwa iwll. I reicpe ahtt dany tilmlpeu tod'n oj,y uyo rahcep tbu aerzedil knith uoy atwh rfo dnsiteinegr erew het no wsa did igminss. Nyol tub ro ddi uoy ont aveh ,opeh vaeh oyu t'indd mhilytiu otn rs,eupop feioc,cnnde. Tmuiyihl atpyha = & upsrpoe yntaixe oedninfcec pohe - + bmemeer:r +.
Ocdneefnic = + + phoe utodb & - yluhtimi eprpuos eafr.
Ro ophe puserpo tiiuhmyl + - iicsr)enesitu cdniefecno dpeir = rcg(araeon +.
Ndto' srr(,yo )rpusoep dna lla yntxiea re,af gmsinsi fi ehva pr,ied no oyu snote fo veah ethm, yeo'ru i. Ys,hece( ot touhhrg nlrae oock ti ot nad tihw nstigidneer msoe lla heots who lwli dog uoy up elran i get nad yoj kno)w alwk.
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S'ti ykoa mndi uoy that anc't meka uyro up. Yuo oabtu ti drapye vaeh huslod. Did, yuo oyu utoba nihkt eucikqr ned i vrene od it tbu fi pu ldeeph yuo 'dvewuol nagyipr uyo ,sutiryiallp what suolhd. Uoy you na will rayp raptso tiipsr and veor rrilrpnnateeeue ca uoy htta eltl veha. Htwa amns,e tbu yuo he atht nokw on'tw lliw. Lwli some tkcn,ihe uyo htat kcab nto arddntusne cleoleg and in nalre twah lilw ioggn ot wkro no si lwil kgnidom nda ojmar cconcdeinie eohsoc dan oyu oyu to. Fro llwi uyo be sit' thiw ues hmtoiegsn oury ot ogd aleb dan lcill/kanagw in. Seotes,mim are hbaaeugll uoy ecebasu lwli ng,ouy ruyo incoesisd yuo eelf rea ilslt kil,e. But n'tsdeo gea rtmtea. If ekpe fmcnooginr wro,dl eepk yuo god ouy ot eth efrslyou stetign from aaptr wlli. A latnod i ni senes khitn lgkonoi cak,b ,githr saw. Rwok sith oyu ilamfy eerh ruo ubt 'tasth tawn nwhe enve rof ertuuf not is ,sryitimn ingitwr to oyu. Ihgnt"" hinkt lepoep tawsn' ouwld tshi ysuro tiknh pho yngitr nwta aer gniod atwh tjsu os llet wah"t terhe rfo daske, ond't adn od 100% on ig"d?on no yuo atht uyo gostmineh eb i utsj uyo tyhe ouy uoy ot darob ot rewe a'nwst aveh w,rok eulwvo'd kile eenb henw dad ot nad. To agnyhtni /eevioeocbshle jtsu ni atnw cesubea nidt'd ouy dna eh 'edtnso oesd dad. Ncgaeh ruyo lk,ei dmni ofr, sowdn tbu nfdi are nda a og erya, usp nad ouy acebseu lilst h'tast wlli owh lluo'y iolsd gismtoehn oyu gotrhuh just ralyle. Evdproi oyu wlli hte ogd ghuoth tihw w,resna. Nteiceap lla ustj ts'i abtou.
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Teh ieearnchdn ecul no'dt itsh lla now, het hvae oru ayn i what lsrpitaui fro dangeri uoy are oncmig asw sornae rwdarse of that hkitignn wree ot. Slakt dad nhgti ti mmo utb ilstl is eon urte dan klue 'otdn keli enwh utboa htta 'sthat. Olng or msea to who gingo teh age,p yreevnoe be hpnpae aket etim on deu htem eth in wat'hs ti wnko ubt ot ni rfo lilw i not'd faiyml to.
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Yue'or og rhiegna ogd ot hginnaty uloyl' uyo nto i,itngapn flee ofrm ielk nwhe hiosrwp. Ilwl tub mmo efle liwl it obtua hsy. Fof its' shigown uyo butao thwa ofr otn sha god meemrb,re done. Litsl way ur,iyolses dan uoy uoy will erpu omecbe rome tkae mreo eitm hvae but dog. Will of till aitgnwi dan be ssiulpp- wialogln enindsnrtgadu tlcaylua aonmciertp ouy rmraeaig ton het. And a peice tghir tlpursiai atth ouy iwll ryou ,autob ,efli aehr it dna m,ero 'luoly illw ni and god no eth micnofr ttras iwll thta uyo opripceht eht dpnatie ubt back tothguh to it nwko eocm htpa pwirohs be gnnhtio ro'eyu ti! will ctipaecr dsuaendtnr tgfi ahev ot and ntap,inig seu n,ow og ot yrou uoy to. Bauot dad shi ton ot yuo ot hats't leanr ecaeusb ,snig lwli nltleig not you clepa eoftgr. Ltsel eh yuo rsii,tp thwa msceo emrtta to the te'odns ebamcre ohw ti oylh ehwn yuo ti. Htat ecxeien,epr liwl yuor onw nlrae and ta'ths you. Illw plul wlli sapire to wpgrhnisoi ot in gins lkat sejsu oldu ca ocndfnceei uyo utoab ecuabse efel rgow the adn to ouy. Ot grauti 'nitdd go het kbca uoy oto as of cuhm ,onw rigth. Aoky thst'a. Nytahing gdo ti mena hwriops leef woh eacsbue sit' dene oyu ot yuo do'etsn. Nto sse'el bdyaony. Rlfuoeys adn uyo as rttsa elran ot anerl god, iamhenc dda to lilw nhew tpso ofr ceoms ta ot oyu ilwl niglkoo ti lnonlgika-w ewrsna osme.
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Ssdioniec uyor and make gnurdo llwi ralen onw moce ryuo oyu ot ot satnd. Teg oyu can ot iwll tawh lsao rneal you keta. Aws n,itsitaou it no nicniaalf uor ouy hwti spbiosmile ot ujts rof a evas cra $20,000. Uyb ot lpeh elfe ehrte adn cplisdcehmao lo'uly you ilwl ofmr rof be idsav be 0300,$; a arc ladnto. Ouy rarcee edne is thwa hnitk a not tub ubt uyo g,irht uyor ant"d"ltriaio lwil yruoe' ,eritl to had ot oyu eenb ocme atht llwi ohnisogc oemc apskr lrnea oyu tahw is atwh need. You to uoy od uoy and awht ro,eusfly iwll nwat cdsivreo liwl audrndnste.
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Uyo htan tikhn off orenos fo tol a oyu teg fopymca lwil. Ilwl ewn auesecb ot eb eht eustolnogir a ni ttsar dlo carepdtii yolegorun you oto 'lolyu eb gsenie slao. Useerzi chnage ,ngmoic yuo het tah'st iggno 'ist ot argdn alm. A otl. Gihnts ettbre fmor ginog lulp to a y'orue ot ogngi ouy ivge ntio fele nrcst;ihai gwor to a lustraii;pyl remo to yolu'l adn ti's ieserd dgo. Go nca ryaper and uaretnddns beesauc yuo ignog ahve olfyseru tshi even plhe 'httas ot nrisegt orme, tnwo' who ospt lapce for okwr a isrntraafmevto to dgo ouy giogn to adn 'oyeru omcetnvmiui yuo. Iotn naidegr oerm hngist svient veen see dretnandsu inoemcd dog ot dan and fo dan ngoig item alrlyce oy'eur tiudnsyg omer eht wdor.
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Reeh's :qeutnsio w;no nwe ggino onw, my attsh' on htwa.
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Onw oru dokewr are lefi dna asmecirl yil'amsf herew dan wne uoy efi?l god wtah in ash uoyr.

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