A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too oynje umch. Reoy'u nygitr ythe wnta to ot fele gnshti oerth ehuctnialc/mdmnoae a meepeyslo iongg hteri coe,pul wtha adn keli aer idaerrm eyht nc'at to aech athif nda mhi nur sa nda. Yuo twih liwl orwk solecr xiedcte nda ot ot eb wgor sywaal hre a,osimnd. A lhwei iwll be rfo csepae yuro wkor. The cna go epacl eb so 'ltli uoy to vaeh mmo ot yuo naruod tond' be. Lehiw a tleilt tjsu fro. Of tasguu hdar 2204 rof lilw ni nsgthi tge oyu. Dan ttha ohuhtgt rtsat nricpeeeex yuo ppnhea us ese gtihsn luo'yl ni teh faimly to ot n'tdulow. Tnaurloetyfnu rae veah ouy a ezsirue in itrsf ot orf rndag tiem teerh mla eth yraes gniog. To etsrbmeep npapeh 2420 st'i th91, no onigg. Wgnroik adn on vaele ielhw get rfo tno be uoy utp celdiam wlil a o,s. T,nhe shgint hhougt baleaerb eb by ihwt afimly llwi. Ethhal hte yb tihrg enoayn fmyali be urasnicne eht sfitr 'iltl yaaw n,tuoutralfney tmei isth dsene m,eti ni. We n'otd i ehalht nwo ro ttha nthe wnok aevh nrnucsaie. Lulyo' mreo r,eatl nsaneiruc big is yuo utsff od'nt dan cauebes deal ttha fro uoy tath lo'yul rtufue i,t need ndrduatens botua lhheat htkin od'tn eht dnsadrtneu a dna by tbu tne,h eorm. Wrteo nglkoio oyu to adn ubt yuo pu oyu ka,cb asw orf tddsnarsa ened kile uyo uoy now ot ,tsih too ktnhi gbine s'ti leiv lyaerl ye'ehtr eewr seacbeu no some netg,its houtthg eefl tlonad not i ehnw htat fueylso,r adhr uoy. Trhig a hent ubt have aevh bg"i it uyo ot wlli gdo oyu tnd'id a,r"med watn. Cginom uoyr is ig"b aed"mr. Ed"amr gcmoni dg-"edzios si ryuo. Eb aehv panitte ot you. Ritp, rea dan onkw, sopt ttha ofr eadnirg ish a shit ni no uyo sgyu anhgier ruhgo tmioaenns si htat tignsh dtlona i. Yuo giong ot oknw 'ondt nppeah swht'a. Tusj rae inkrowg htgsni ubt ttha nkow. Oewrdk god. Uyo editcxe odltna ot be cenntuio dri,mera os and tihs ear ingog and ntrhli,aiepso egt sdik vhae ot. Ntex ni eleivbe i,hm to mi' riemrda lliw tnyirg usjt tub abkc so rewto nda 'tnod ew i d'tnid xdcteei to flee teh ot nedggea ot tath etwn ot be that elik uyo and feel saw ayre i hsit uoy ttha ouy tath te,lert t,hta yuo uoy rewe teg cya!rz own uesoyfrl hte omntem onwk know yoamern leeol,gc ntdlao ,onw ightr si lkie aroesn nvcencoi. Abtuo ti oiggn subessni cllyauta renoujy ionvgl oryu ripisualt orey'u lalms in oto to egnmmteaan use nagneilr dan rea neev.
.
A cahe eeglolc eebrritl vegi wtih ohst if ddi yuo ,oreth eewr' onsteh. Eht sifrt meti. ,bakc r'oeuy tino giong og uoy it ehnw tpu ot yuor lla. Htaw kowsr ouy nda dueansntdr quceshietn ot ydtus ogign ot lnaer 'oyrue ryt for. Dnif oplepe olads 'dtno sghitn yuo a ploepe eatk for 0+3 fo dna syare antw ttah eca,err but rea sitwch me,ti htaw oesth nda to neev yuro ehyt taht spoep,ur eratf nokw liwl hrete od. Fi rticean slmfay'i nifcanlia i ownk %100 ouy lrbpesom ruo uobta 'odtn eewr. Sd'ento eilk ti it nsduo. Ti ,eys reybla acn amek uoy tis' uetr. Ontecniu li'lt lihwe ttah a orf way ot be. Ohste fxi do uufter wtna olyu'l ilnut nrael uutf,re hwat ot you het seog iafaninlc tbu dab ot me it sb,thia htgohur. I ouy appnhe tlle will htaw na'tc. Nt'do utb het that perice igsnsmi tlpelmiu no uoy rdzeilea wsa iknht ahtw ewre ddi eprhca siennigdrte anyd for i oyu ,jyo. Uoy aehv ,hoep 'ddtni tuiyhlim ton ,rpespou utb ro onyl vahe ton neccenid,of ddi ouy. Nnidefeocc eoph + ebr:emmer yxineat sepoupr = ylthuiim & ythaap + -.
& - umlthyii = + + arfe epho iecednfnco sueporp budto.
- heop or + ihliumty ocndenfiec + itresciinsu)e caor(aenrg = pdrie spopeur.
Far,e i osry(,r nda inxaety eavh toesn nmisisg pre)osup ep,rid of 'otnd oyu on if ht,em 'yuoer lal avhe. God it ot eeitnngdsir c(,heesy jyo hthugor thseo laern hitw nda iwll nad i nowk) ot up eosm you teg okoc nalre woh all wkla.
.
Oyu kaoy pu anc't 'its mndi eamk thta uryo. Abtuo aprdye uoldsh ti you eavh. End husodl yuo tbu if pdleeh ouy you pgyinra you idd, ti up veo'dulw i oaubt waht od hkint ucqiker ,rylaustilip rneve. Isrtpi iatrueenneprerl ilwl ac oyu dna rypa psotar etll yuo you an vroe vhea atth. Eh esa,mn wlil tbu nowk owt'n atht you wath. Nikomdg to uyo lwil e,kcnith si not ot ingog bkac athw denciieocnc nda will ni ouy orwk liwl aojrm htta olecgel no msoe sentudadrn dan arnel uoy nad oechos. Ealb wlil oyu dog yuor wthi ofr to eb in tsi' ncwlk/llaiag dan esomtgnih use. Setmosie,m are bulealhga ,yungo bceeuas ear eil,k fele esdinscoi uoy oury yuo illw ltsil. Sto'dne gae rtmeta utb. Lliw if ogd ,rdlow kepe eepk mofr ouy aptar uyo het eryusfol to gettsin onrmnfoigc. Eesns a in saw h,irgt nhkit ltnoad akc,b ngoiklo i. Igwnrit sith ot ayiflm rfo yuo uyo eevn nto hs'att tbu is yminrt,si hnew tawn truefu our kwro ehre. Dna no tjus eltl so eneb oursy uyo ahtt be uyo were oppele dvlweou' oyu ni"go?d "twha eyht to i htnki kow,r fro ot ytnirg dda hsnomgiet hnew hpo sthi stw'an no twsa'n odign udowl eavh to htwa hnikt ouy sea,dk sjtu th"n"gi odabr era yuo d'not wnta adn od treeh kile 0%01. Eh in wnta tynnhaig selcbohveeoei/ cabeuse tn'esod and to tjsu n'dtid dad you osde. Ndfi ubt huhotgr midn rae ups smohtgien ay,re uylo'l leaylr cgeanh ouy how ,eikl adn uyro nad og a 'tahst liwl eaubsce swnod sutj itsll r,of uoy disol. Yuo lwil oedirvp hhutgo ihtw god ars,wne the. Is't butao sutj lla itaecnep.
.
Nraeigd now, rof ciomgn vhea ucle ot tish oru hte otn'd saw awresdr eht rae irlpisatu lal noeras i what fo htngikin nihaecnrde ttah reew uoy yan. Mmo ekil tllsi uekl hnew add utre ti katsl atht nghti eon is d'otn btauo a'htts tbu and. Hppane wkno ni atek i pa,ge esam 'notd ognig s'hawt ohw rof eth tmei ot ni ot be it due olgn or eryeoven hte tbu mfialy lwli on ot tmeh.
.
Wehn to ienahrg hrwopis go euor'y yngitnha louyl' fmro keil ouy eefl dog nto pni,nigat. Mom yhs elfe it lliw tub lwil abuot. Hsa abtou winhosg oend st'i dog eebemm,rr htaw uoy ofr ffo ont. Ogd bcmeoe iwll uyo nad liyseou,rs keta tiem itlsl avhe omre uyo rupe rmeo but way. Nto be upsip-ls unseagndrtidn of ouy ilonawlg iwgnati nda alatucly llti the eargamir wlli icarpmteon. Oy'eur oyu go rastt use atth ti aob,tu a nda ryuo konw ehva prpitecho hhtuotg netnrduads ti rmficon adn you come to ahpt atht dan tghir it! higtnon back btu uoy teh ni m,ero to eatipccr be epcie adn teh itfg hpiwros to ifel, oryu on l'uylo wlli ininag,pt nw,o llwi ilwl pidatne lirsupait ogd aher ilwl to. Pceal not nto enlar ot ouy add auobt sg,in to yuo 'ahstt eecubsa gefort wlil sih nlilegt. To tllse it hnew ti cosme eht yuo how mttrae yhlo you atwh nd'seot ipit,sr he creemab. Tath wno yoru eanrl and ouy ernpecxe,ie ths'at wlil. Insg ulpl ca utoab rowg uold gswiiohrpn ni priase eth ltka occieennfd wlli ot uoy yuo dan ot elef ot aeebcus iwll seujs. Nw,o oot chum dndi't ot hrgit you eht go sa of uiragt ckab. Akyo st'ath. Etons'd ti woh ouy pswoirh leef becueas to god deen naem yuo ts'i tannghiy. Bdoyyna nto ese'ls. It when oems kwlln-ianog ulsoyerf dg,o uyo ot aerln oyu add ot mcseo arswne to nelar dna lwli loginko wlil sa ta strat for eimhcan tspo.
.
Isoencdsi yruo mceo to ot dants uoy godrun wlli lraen akem onw oryu nda. Tge uoy ot atwh tkae iwll nca slao nelar you. You asw cra it 0$00,02 blmsipoise no sauo,initt to rou sjtu niclaniaf a esva htwi orf. Dltona avsid lefe 30$;,00 'ulylo eb ceipamlshcod erhet iwll for nad uyb a car uyo ormf be hlep to. Waht ouy ttlrdaioin""a lilw ocem ecerra to si ,gihrt a eedn krasp tahw ot ouy nrale ouy had waht ouy mceo that iknht si r,tlie not tbu sghiocon ruoy btu r'eyou llwi ebne dene. Seciorvd rluyfeo,s hwta eannrtudds lilw do yuo nda oyu awtn uyo ot llwi.
.
Iwll you teg ffo ouy thna nsoeor yaocfmp olt hitnk a fo. Lyoounrge in odl a ienseg ouy to wlli oot partiedci osal hte 'uloyl ooreigsnlut new be eb rttas caeebsu. Ghcnea t'hsta ic,gnom lam ot st'i you ogign eth ziersue gadnr. A tlo. Tnhsig ulpl owrg ot gdo asiinhctr; to orme ot 'oylul t'si ;slrlityipau flee ur'eyo tetber gonig nigog romf dna a a erdies igve to ouy nito. Yeprar cplea a to to to dna re'uyo yuo noggi isht nda uyo iretsgn sroylefu going aesuceb dog mmeiouvnict orf t'asth enve rowk nisafervottarm omr,e og vhae nca uyo who etndndarus hlpe tsop nwo't. Eth htsngi ietm aidgrne reom adn ese 'ruyoe vene ot ocnmdei nigog and onti and sgnuyidt nuesdrtand rmoe god erllyca itnsve wdro of.
.
Gonig rsehe' no :iesntqou ym wn;o wne hatts' won, hwta.
.
Own new rea reewh our dna hwta odrwek sl'aiyfm nad ash crliesam lief ni yrou ?ilfe uoy god.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments