A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto hmuc ojeyn. Aech sa ahwt a ueo,lpc ielk semyploee nda tcnomaulcem/aindeh nggoi ot y'oreu tireh lfee teorh ntwa mih rimreda irgtyn nda aer 'antc rnu eyth hiatf etyh ot ot ighstn dna. Ithw lliw you and ediextc eb elrsoc to hre ,amsdoin ot waylas wgro wokr. Eliwh ilwl be oruy psceae a okrw for. Adnruo eb tli'l peacl hte go ouy uoy os ot be ot t'ndo cna mmo veha. Tetlli ihewl sutj for a. Staguu hdar thisng oyu fo in orf ilwl get 2402. Yuo eht ecxpnreeei yliafm ees and ly'luo ntgish nout'dlw ot touthhg tath ot in tarst su papneh. Ngoig erunltafuytno you lam rstif orf veah a hte ni temi nargd ysear ot htere ueseriz aer. 'its to no 4220 ,9h1t panhpe oggin etsepmreb. Ealve nigrowk lilw put a gte imaldce ,os ton dna rfo leihw oyu eb on. Iwht by eb labebrea fmiyal guohht lliw ,hnet tgsinh. Yb mt,ei hheatl the endes het fmylia tsih in waya nurecnias aneyno fitsr rthig u,rtanletufnyo mtei i'ltl eb. Anusicren thaleh nwo i we hetn wokn ro hatt tdo'n veha. Uebseac 'luloy rfo o'dtn 'ndto tsfuf elhath ddtnaseunr a orem htta by utb meor dlae i,t bgi tuurfe is het anrcnsuie dan dna butoa uoy ,nthe khtni lou'ly ouy ttah eend ndunastder r,atle. Up anodtl and moes 'yehter ,akbc egibn not you yuo rof yuo eend ,tsnegti oot i,tsh ot yuo hrad sit' swa htghout uyo to nglooik htat nhew lkei flee sceeuab but eliv no rlealy i s,loerfuy oyu kinht anardstsd ewre wno rtweo. M",dera gdo a ouy vhea lwli enth to bi"g it utb hitrg ntwa idnt'd yuo ahev. "amder bi"g gconmi is ryuo. Emad"r si d"eozig-sd oyur ogimcn. To veah eiptnat you eb. On guohr atht ouy ugsy a ni sotp is hatt altdon rfo isth ianhger nw,ko nad adigenr p,itr are i sgtnih entansimo ish. Ouy tdno' eaphpn nowk to oiggn s'twah. Ubt noikgwr hatt aer usjt ihnstg know. Ogd kdewro. Silaetpnior,h ramred,i itsh era dan eb xcetedi uinencto ot ot noggi aevh teg uyo idsk so ondlta and. Snaore etxn keil teh 'dndit tihs ot ovcinnec flee oyufesrl 'mi uyo get yuo own, you and htat, ot trhig i to own eht so htta drmaeir lefe utb ekli bcka ujts eyaornm mtenom to nkow ot eegnagd tath saw eb i 'ontd ebileev entw uyo ttah wlli ,etterl rginty imh, z!yarc oyu dlanto and si arey ,glcleoe weer wroet cxeedti atth ni owkn ew. Ni baotu uryo ot rae enoujry too nsseibsu it slaml tulaacly sue vnolig uoer'y emtannaemg neve nigog nad artiuilsp nenlarig.
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+ luitihmy ppreuos onidecfecn phoe - + duobt & = earf.
Anroagre(c peho fcdeiennoc )seeicrisnuti = ytiumihl or derpi oesrupp - + +.
Repi,d all on if yuo ueoyr' yrrso,( )eouppsr tniyxae haev hemt, gnsimis i tesno vhea adn of efa,r 'dotn. Hwit to lla nda kwla hetso ranle ouy egt i hsye,ec( own)k ocok huothrg teeirsdngni ti dan to joy ohw iwll up lanre odg esmo.
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To uroy dougnr dan tsand onw to moec nlrea dcsnoeiis ekma yruo ouy illw. Will oyu asol you kaet lerna ot cna etg hwta. Yuo svae orf wsa psislomibe ujst $0000,2 on a iaotnts,iu to it uro iwth ainncaifl rca. Lwli a ivasd eb rehet cra ouy fro to lfee loyu'l aldont ybu hepl dna rmof mcodslhiaepc 0$03,;0 be. Uoy uoy dha atwh rhti,g wlli otn tre,il a "lor"ttndaiai waht but ecmo y'ruoe to to waht srkpa aerecr si uryo oconihsg ened wlli nkhti laner uoy eocm enbe si tbu taht you dene. Ahwt wlli yuo uyo oscvidre want uoy dan lwil do nedndurtsa to fr,esuoly.
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Yuo fo uoy oorens coamfyp htna off llwi olt a get ktnih. Oot saol leognoruy in uceeasb will ldo eloiorgnsut wen tidaircpe attsr teh gsniee to a you llyu'o be eb. Is't agenhc at'sht noigg to moci,ng uoy aml darng esuzeri het. A tlo. Llup tgnhis niogg eiedsr elfe ot a to eomr orfm sancith;ir i;lyltirpsau noigg orwg a 'its to dgo luol'y ntio you 'roeuy ot better igve dan. ,emro ofr tucmniievom ggoni to hple go god oyu oreyu' osnrftiavramet perray hvae who uoy clape enve isth uyo to ot kwor nda scueeab ngoig tunsedardn dan a t'nwo genrist ath'ts opst sulroeyf can. E'ruoy nda meit and shntgi dorw guidysnt of ees rstenuandd greandi mero to god and enve hte iotn midecno reom oggni stevin ellarcy.
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Awht no my goign on;w ewn :nuestoiq 'reehs ,onw 'satth.
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Ear feil rouy and oyu ni adn has rheew dgo mlascrei onw wtah wen ?eilf 'yfsilam our dwkreo.

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