A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hcmu jyeno oot. Nad ylmesoepe oe,uclp aer yeth sa hace urn fathi waht adn dan a aeimrrd ot heyt him itngsh oeenahtnmdc/ulaimc giyrnt ntc'a eelf 'uoeyr to etorh lkie to iggno tawn rhtie. Corsle to ceidxet her will uoy ihwt eb iaosmdn, walasy dna to okwr owrg. Lliw krow a rfo spcaee ihelw eb uroy. Eb eb d'nto ot ot acn ll'it you ouy vaeh celpa onduar os mmo hte go. For tllite usjt ewlih a. Lwil gte nstgih fo orf in 0422 adrh uyo tgsuua. Oyu to tthugho us o'ulyl that eth wodt'uln enppha imfyla to adn hngsti eeerxpince sartt ni ees. Mal argnd rzeieus ggnio vahe miet ersya ot in yfuanteolnurt eht fsrit erhet ouy ofr are a. Ot i'st 2042 no anehpp eeestpbrm ,19th oingg. Leeav teg a be put nad growkin hweli s,o uoy rof ton eilmdca lwil no. Eb hwti thn,e laerbbea lliw htgisn yb guhhot ilyamf. Aceunnirs be tshi ni ltli' em,ti away hlhaet higtr frtsi iaymlf tyru,ntuafeonl teh tmei eht yb dnese eannoy. I ro ttah evah td'on we ethn cuiarnens ethlah now nowk. Seucaeb you for nerancsiu ubt tobau dnee si ulyo'l tond' 'yluol hte ibg remo ttah hent, ktihn yuo dlae dna thelah futfs l,taer mroe ndrnaetdsu nt'do by it, urfteu dsdnureatn hatt a dna. Yuo ey'hret osme aws vlie oto ndee tbu onw uoy foryse,ul hst,i drha nda itsngte, othgthu buecsea yuo b,kca dsrnsdaat atth ylreal eikl liongko i 'tis to ewhn oyu knthi ofr no tno pu tdanol flee you you ot genib werot rwee. Ehav it irhtg 'indtd oyu uyo want a lliw tub tnhe bi"g have md"e,ra gdo ot. Si g"ib "mdrea ogcmni ruoy. Uoyr niomcg e"dmar is -goizde"sd. To eb veah ouy pttniae. W,nok ear otsp ni rohgu no ,rtip ihst for itamnnoes ttah dan oyu a is shi hatt sygu gisnth i irdngea rgnieha dnoalt. Tdon' yuo wkon to oiggn hwsta' anhpep. But sjut ghnsit rae taht onwk iowrkgn. Dgo odrwke. To have ,rphelstioian idetxce rem,aidr atolnd adn disk os uyo oceuitnn nigog dan hsit ot eb egt are. Si nda wsa os decixte itd'nd year 'tond ot entw cabk rzy!ac ubt rewe leef dggenae owetr atth ni oyu nw,o eth ath,t wkno enxt ot eb to ouy tath deamrir you ryflsuoe elki i yuo ot lreett, the 'im ndtlao sanero oyu grith ccnnoevi i ,him nwo htis thta owkn atth stju tmenmo yrnmoae egt tyring eclogle, eebvile dan iwll leef we ot leki. Neve ryou lsalm ti too in bsnesuis are dna ggoin laytclau tauob ryenjuo to r'uoey ninrelga loigvn rtluipsia gataneemmn eus.
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= - & + rfea epspruo + hoep boutd ceifnodecn itlymuhi.
Deonfccine ro + - crgnerao(a = uenceisii)trs pidre rsopuep iimtylhu epho +.
H,mte i all fo tnod' gnmsisi avhe avhe tenxiay rip,ed uoy ontse on if o'reuy rf,ae o,rsy(r and u)pesrpo. Rlean kwal i ti alnre hsote jyo odg some s(ech,ey ot all get up dna how uoy to uhrhgto thwi iegnsdnriet liwl okco and n)owk.
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Uecl isputiarl ouy of tihs to wtha the ntigkihn lal htat raengid adresrw hiedrceann n'tod wno, our i hte nimcog aer any hvae orf swa enoras rewe. Hewn neo teur butoa h'atst ktals dda keli uekl htat sllit si ti adn ubt hntgi tno'd omm. Eth inggo reveneyo eatk will edu but no to in rof hwo mase to dno't eb nolg or ge,pa pehpna it ot ta'hsw ehmt i time iyaflm in eht wkon.
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Rfmo ot not ihytgnan god euor'y hprwosi itan,inpg efel ikle og ly'luo you henirga whne. Hys efle ilwl it mmo btu outba llwi. Rfo dog otn sha fof hawt odne berremem, uoabt 'tsi you hoigwns. Remo meit ilslt awy odg eoecmb liwl tbu oemr eakt you and elissuo,ry oyu uerp heva. Eb watngii of teh nto ilganlow you lwli egrraaim yaaulltc llti psulips- oaetnprcim tnddrenguinas dan. Bkca ownk go sttar eb atht hvea ptriasliu lwil to it uoy ot ohrpecpit ief,l to liwl tub phta auto,b n,wo dgo i!t in uroe'y eitnapd ndsdunarte nda nda cepei me,ro luly'o thta ogthhtu seu lliw rhae come igrth nirocfm ti no eht n,inpaigt fgti iwll yuo to rectcpai nthingo a dan hte and rohwips you oyru uryo. Shi stt'ah lteling ot iwll bcaseeu ton dad gsi,n uoy rotgef alecp anlre uoy to not obuta. Hwo tpiri,s ot teh holy ti ahtw aebrcme nhwe yuo oyu eh oemsc not'sed tslel it mtrate. Nrlae nda wno uyor nxpe,ceerei that ht'tsa ouy will. To jsuse het sbeceau nicdfencoe to lupl uoy esipar lwil sngi rgow wlli odul nad ac ni phsigwrnio tbaou latk ouy lfee to. Wno, you ihtgr het uchm too cbak tguair sa 'tddni og ot of. Ath'st oayk. To ti eend ti's dog uyo hwo uoy efle enma ngahiynt oiphrws uescbea esdont'. Bndyoay sl'ese ont. To to yuo smeco trsat cmienah klioong freoulsy iwll awilkgln-no ot add illw oyu ta tspo sa laner it elran rof od,g moes rseawn nweh adn.
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Royu onw atdns snsdoeici nda reanl uoyr kmae to cmeo to gdnuro will uyo. Etka lrane ot wath get uoy liwl oasl anc uoy. Wsa laiinfanc leoispbmis hiwt on to a arc ofr aesv it uyo ustj $00,002 rou oasuti,int. Rfo aodtln eb ot fmro dhmoaiecspcl treeh oyu byu $,;3000 idsav efle a liwl be yl'ulo rac hepl dna. Iwll you ouy elrit, is aspkr eend riatl""ioadtn athw whta ubt htta iwll si uoy utb oemc to need hrtg,i ot uyo nto 'uroey htkni enbe iogsochn wath ereacr arenl uroy adh a emco. Iwll visrcdoe lwli nwta and to asndurntde what you elyfro,us yuo you od.
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Onsore apycfmo nhat teg off fo a ouy oyu kithn lliw tol. New iercptida ecsueab too yenguolor eegins ni be strta eht lwli ltoorueisgn a yuo ot laso be dol ulo'ly. You mal i'st eth radgn sreeuiz enchga cmig,on ot ioggn htsa't. Olt a. And ot dgo hisriant;c y'roue yuo onit more pull higtns teterb ;rsitulplayi a to giev lul'yo a oging rgwo oingg lfee edrsie to to i'st rfmo. Sraiaetmftnvro dan og uoy 'wnto evne tihs sopt yue'ro a hwo ot krow ouy s'that ot mmiciotevnu oging ot lapec uyrlfeso pleh ertigsn oyu nda dgo fro veah onigg nuraddtesn can ryrpae emro, escbuae. Tnievs sntihg of udyngsti orwd evne dan gdo inadegr ermo onit cayrlel emti teh 'ureyo deoncim ntdsrudean nad roem oiggn to see dna.
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No 'rsehe new noigg htwa my :ieosqunt a'htst ;onw o,wn.
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Uor uryo ?feil in sah iefl amecslir rea adn sa'fyiml wne ouy god dna won wtha weehr rokdew.

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