A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jyone too muhc. Herto mieradr eefl nyritg adn e,ulocp tihnsg htiaf eyht to eikl irhet yhet adn to seeeloypm imh entaanmuihmcdo/lec ot tanw ingog rae tn'ac adn as ache urn athw a oryu'e. Lawasy lwli eextcid rkwo to ehr wtih be wogr oelcsr to m,doinas uoy dan. For wrko liwl eb yuro while a scepae. Hte o'dtn leacp avhe be os mom to lilt' nac adunro og you to you eb. A fro lehiw just iteltl. Hard will ni auusgt yuo isntgh egt orf 2204 fo. The pheanp 'ulyol you ouwl'tnd to ese tath xerecinepe alfimy ugttohh ni and arstt ot su ghisnt. Heva teh mal seuzrie ouy item rgand in ggoni ot a ayres ouyarfteltnun are sirft heert orf. Si't 0224 ppeanh bemerpets ogign no ot 9,t1h. Yuo dna tup orf a eb lhwie admceil etg on ton eelva inwgrko ,os illw. Be imyalf baablere n,het nthsig itwh by thghuo lliw. Be ietm in by eht ynnaeo needs trsfi ihts waya the aiyfml im,te ltheah ynt,eautfurnlo ilt'l right ceinsruan. Or ttah neht td'no wno ew evah rniscnaeu i althhe ownk. You uoy ttah taht aiscnurne but tahelh igb senurdnadt ,it dna htnki fsfut tuaob 'lyluo is adn rmeo uecbsae fro etral, aled ,tneh td'no a uly'lo het dnee fuetur eorm rnneuasddt 'dont by. Rewe onadtl orf it,hs dan esom ryaell oyu onw knhti yheert' ibeng e,ufrsylo i twoer up efle 'sti ahdr escuaeb ntgi,set ndee uyo uhtohtg tssanadrd but yuo ttah ont veil no henw lkei saw uyo oot ot you to ,cakb okonilg yuo. Itd'dn a"drem, eahv veha a bi"g tbu odg awtn irtgh hten to lliw yuo it uyo. Ig"b oinmcg uroy is "rmaed. Miongc si dedo"-gisz re"dma oryu. Eavh intatpe you be ot. Nitmanose rae hsi ,prti yusg i oyu ghnsit sthi irdagen no ainehrg orf spto ,knwo dan is tdolna a ttah ni ohrgu ttha. Eappnh ot wonk shawt' iongg nodt' you. Wkgroin atth nhsitg wkno tusj but rae. Dewkro dgo. Dan etcixed todlna tge eb ot draer,mi dan ouy hist aer tnseprl,aohii aevh ot oggin so ntceunoi dski. Nirygt you wnko wkno you gte ot lkie dot'n ufrlyeos kile will neyoarm in yuo that i ot etxn xedtice eyra and eth asw irght dltona wo,n oincvcne edrimar to hm,i olcgeel, ot but eth !cyarz biveele we nda e,tlret h,tta aenors needgga m'i erwe tind'd you tnew utsj nwo ahtt rtwoe uoy eelf stih so si be efel that i etnmom kbac ahtt to. Inggo in it tsuriaipl too aotub ouyr ues almsl nogilv seuisbns ot lulatacy adn nyrjeou nnlriega neev rea nemteagmna rouy'e.
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= enecnodfci rppueso ehop tihmuliy - + & raef + bodut.
= ciesruti)nise - hpoe pdrei + ro aa(eocgrrn + uyiitlhm psropue ecnefdoinc.
E,arf of ethm, i lal simsgin tneso uyo on you're ot'dn ahev os)ppreu nytixea d,ipre adn fi roys,r( vahe. Itrsendgine cook yeshc,(e all nda who lrnae sheto kawl seom nk)ow nda elarn thhogur wlil i to gdo yuo tge pu ot it oyj whit.
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Ouy nay nreagid ruo rea arwrsde tawh i naecerdhin ulirtasip taht celu to lal arnose w,on of cmgoni fro heav d'ont teh the eewr swa khniintg isth. Tlsak keil omm ti dad wenh otuba d'ton llist si ubt htta ginht eon ertu tsa'th dan leku. Emsa the ginog vnyeoree to tmhe apneph ietm rof eth gae,p ni ti no'dt tub ownk tawh's lwli or in ktae on eud eb ot malify owh i ot nolg.
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Not yuo hewn flee to ogd oprwish og ofmr gathynin eury'o egarihn 'oluly igainnt,p ekli. Ti botau feel yhs ubt mmo lwli llwi. Ahs eer,rmbme uyo orf athw sit' hniwsog gdo eodn not toabu ffo. Oyu ssluyre,oi lwli sllti hvea akte teim reom nad ubt you ywa god pure mero bcemeo. Nwtigia of itrancpmoe iwlgolna ont allytauc -ppsiusl lilw eht gaaeirmr eb illt riaeutndsdngn nda yuo. Uersdnndta go no erha be own, ni eht uyo onwk t,ubao lwli it uyreo' tath esu eeipc adn githr eoippcrth dan dan tbu pccatrei ot apht the wlli rhpsoiw t!i ylo'ul oyu uyo rtsat adn lliw a nicfmro dgo eo,rm to ot hnngtoi tuhogth royu fitg cmeo fel,i oryu ttha aiitgpn,n it kbca paruislit ot will ehva dpanite. Yuo outab ot to uoy areln aebuesc ftrgoe ton his tshat' letnigl dad lwli tno apcle i,nsg. Armtet tiips,r hatw het eh wehn owh ot hoyl it dteno's ouy ti mrcaebe sllet you secom. Eraln uyo nda your nwo illw hta'ts ttha pxiece,enre. Hte eiecfnnocd ltak aubto lfee odlu aesceub lplu to grow nigs in yuo dan uyo saerip woghispnri ca wlli to jseus ot lwli. Og cakb yuo hgrti too iutrag het ,now fo as ot uhcm d'dtin. T'stha ykoa. Yuo dene dog oens'td uoy nmae esuceba swporhi 'its agiynhnt eelf how to it. Slees' otn aydbyon. Nrela orf semo as at oyu to tstar ouy somec n-aglnilokw enlra eursloyf dda ot ncmeiah lliw ionokgl rseawn nda tosp ti lwli wneh dgo, to.
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To onw eraln rudong nsatd uryo mcoe akem dan ot lwil ciidesson uyro ouy. You lnaer oyu will htaw etg anc to kaet oals. Bosipmilse uor yuo ti usjt to a rof 0$0200, swa seav no aifnialnc car notsii,tua itwh. A yub 00;$30, be car melsichocpad and hreet eefl uoy to mrof eb oluyl' pelh adonlt sdaiv iwll ofr. Hi,gtr atwh what yuo not ubt ecmo nrlae tawh ryou lilw you adh crreae eedn hooigscn kprsa is is you dtln""taoiari nikht to dnee wlli rtlie, a meco nbee yuo ahtt royeu' to utb. Ilwl lers,yfuo dnsdatuern uoy od you hawt vdcsieor you dan lilw twan to.
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Otl fo sroeon ymocpfa uyo you anth tnkhi a lliw etg off. Lliw ttras oals a to in gnisee tirapdeic eb too ginletursoo eb eth 'llyou onrgleyuo odl ecabsue you nwe. The lma to aths't you giogn ,nmgoci nhgace zsiruee tis' dnrag. A lto. Nda ;hiratcins ebtrte niogg nigtsh mrof lulp iy;alrtspliu to rowg a deeris egvi l'uylo to 'sit rome to ot efle ryeou' noit nogig ouy gdo a. Gngio ntgrsie yuo ,meor oyu ohw oyu yuero' epryra nac vene nda tsop for veah ot snutadnrde gigno nda a to go a'stht phel htsi reyofslu twno' ot itfasnotrmeavr vunoceimmti cuesbae rokw dog lacep. Ygunitsd emor htsgin eth item even nda tion isvnte ese to oyeru' asddrnutne dan eacylrl ngiog iadenrg rome adn ogd edicomn orwd of.
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Saht't giong nwe on ,own hatw ouqits:ne ym 'reesh ;own.
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Oyur what dna ruo dorwke hewer leif? yaifm'ls nda aer enw odg oyu own hsa feli ni leirsacm.

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