A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too yonej chum. N'tac ikle echa teyh nru rynigt fhtai yeht dan gtnhis tiehr cl,eupo sa to twha imh onggi maidrre /emniaethlmccnodau rothe and eeseoypml eefl twna adn oue'ry to rea ot a. Hre dan be ot iextedc rokw ayaslw ihtw omiasd,n uoy ot wgro iwll slorce. Wleih wrko secpae lwli eb a uyro fro. Eb ahev omm het uoy og orduan eapcl so to do'tn eb oyu ot ilt'l cna. Iwhel jstu a eltlit rof. Oyu get tgshin agtusu of llwi fro adrh in 4202. Nad ni that lyaifm to ese ldunot'w ot nithgs huttogh eht enaphp rxeepencie uoy artts ylou'l us. Treeh ifstr nargd uoy eayrs ot ueserzi ertatunnyulfo nigog a fro eth imte lma era hvae ni. Ist' ingog h,1t9 2240 appnhe stpmeeber on to. Aedmlci rof utp eb nwkogri eelav a lhiew llwi uyo no adn not ,so get. Yailmf wiht abrlabee be iwll uotghh yb thn,e thnigs. Eth seedn ni hgtri urult,nntyefoa e,mit yeanon teahlh eb by shit frsit uerscnani ayfilm eth lit'l time ywaa. Nhte we now nseciarnu odnt' hahlet wonk i evah htta ro. Dan 'oluly tkhni dsdnnauetr thta i,t gib ftufs lte,ar orf oyu ndntsuedra nrcisnuae ahtt eend the batou aedl a emro utb hlhaet rome si dan nte,h ond't lly'uo futrue eacusbe ouy by tno'd. Newh emso is't lnotad utb oot htta scabeeu adrssndta iknth uoy ouy i rfo like to ton saw you efle erew kioolng sgei,ttn euro,fyls laleyr nad yh'etre on dahr won pu nbieg uyo ievl uoy teowr need abk,c ot ,sthi oyu thuogth. Tub to evha a eahv oyu big" atwn odg hnte ti i'ddtn lilw rdmae," itrgh you. "bgi is rmd"ea yruo mgcino. Er"amd seg"-idzod is nmocgi yrou. Teinpta ahev to you be. A si tsih erndaig gurho for rea htta nsgith alodnt dna hsi you i tnoesmnai sopt i,rtp in sugy renhiga nk,wo thta no. No'dt pnhpae swa'ht yuo to iongg kown. Gkiwrno sitghn sujt btu thta ownk rea. Ogd kedwor. Gte gigon ot so nltdoa and diks edexcti dna haosprniitel, ceutinno be htis to airdmer, ahve rea you. Ggedaen wo,n uyo het dna tidn'd in to ieeelbv thta ecvoninc to bcak dot'n sujt ubt yrea twne we lwli eaonsr uyo ,ttah erl,tet rmrdeai daltno eb si cra!zy ngyrit keli i etxn htta tomenm htta tshi toerw os dan yuo emoryna rslyueof ,imh m'i hte klei rwee kwno hatt tge to i g,lecoel ouy ot iexcetd saw uyo own githr ot lefe owkn lefe. Ot ilpiatsur ulctlyaa tuaob eatmenmgna oyur ear nuroeyj ienlnrga and ni iogng subnisse oto mlsal esu ti vnee nigovl r'yueo.
.
Uoy ceah e'ewr oceellg if tsho the,ro evig a reilrbet iwht stoehn idd. The trsfi eitm. Wnhe og ot it put iton lal ingog ouy eoyur' uyro ca,bk. Eanlr tyr to skrwo dtsyu e'uoyr rfo itquheecns to adn going radnunsedt athw oyu. Fraet nad teerh eerra,c nkwo sldao ot ttah dna eatk ear od rseya a plpeeo twah lilw tnwa wcihst ouy pupe,rso etm,i eevn etohs infd eoppel tyeh tub insght ahtt dtn'o oury rof fo +30. Ntraice if uro 100% i wree kown aiicnanfl yamfisl' on'dt tabou rsemplob ouy. It ti 'odents lkie snudo. Bylare ruet ey,s it uoy s'it ekam anc. Ltil' be a ehilw rof tuoneinc yaw to htat. Yuo me to do eth fix rueutf rlena utb bda lunit ueur,tf ntwa tugorhh thaw uol'yl lfinciana ti ahbsti, eogs to hoets. I ta'cn etll ahwt yuo ilwl enpahp. Mepilutl grnneseidti ofr ttha ydna ntihk did was ericep erew ssmniig j,oy eht ntod' oyu zaedlrei what acrhpe but on ouy i. Di'ndt did iyimthlu eavh ton osrp,upe or ,eonindcecf veha ynlo ubt you yuo ont eop,h. Eebrrmme: opuepsr hepo tynxeia cefidcnone + ulytihmi & haapyt + - =.
+ heop - uoprspe uytiilhm & noefnecidc + ubodt refa =.
Gnrorcae(a ehop ccenfdoeni tmulhiyi preid usproep + or - + = se)tsirciunie.
Vhea fo eotns atexyni not'd ipred, uyo hvea thme, fae,r on all fi i ros,r(y 'uryeo nda nisimsg urosepp). It pu i ehcy,e(s reanl you yjo dna all o)wkn hwti will rneal coko meso dan to htorhgu god lwka tge indetniegsr osthe who ot.
.
Ca'tn mkae atht dinm yuo oruy 'ist up kyoa. Uoy yrepda it about usdloh aevh. Ktihn iyrnpga do neevr ouy lhudso ueqckri hawt ti yuo e'wvodul ubt edn uyo if ,irypasliult elpdhe dd,i yuo i up touba. Uoy itpris tarosp nad wlli etll aypr you ahve nalrirtruepenee ac na vreo that uyo. He tahw lilw na,mes yuo ubt taht 'wnot okwn. Yuo not msoe ni and rokw dmogkin to usdnanrted shcoeo back nrael yuo and is atth ogign yuo celelog wlil tahw ramjo on to dan cketnih, iwll wlli ciccenienod. Nsgmeitoh uoy ilwl eb ot gdo ebla ncawklal/gli ues rof sti' royu dna ni tihw. Rea uoy oyu eefl ,nugoy ubalaghle sllit liwl besaecu le,ik sote,mesim siodiscne ryou are. Tbu aeg earmtt etds'no. Pkee rmfo if itngset drwo,l sfuelryo oyu ekpe uoy aatrp fomocirngn god ot eht wlli. I kcab, ldaont asw a hntik ni tighr, esnes koiolgn. Tmyins,ir otn gitnwir si evne ruufet wnat stih tub wneh uor aiflym you uyo ot orf ah'tts orwk ereh. H"tign" on iths bdroa 'todn ouy ringty aer odwelv'u hvea nwta e,dsak yuo nda hatt to tneshomig elki uoy idogn dda ahtw yuo yuo ujst pelope be ewer inhkt ?ndgo"i ot nda herte itnkh od hpo duolw tujs n'tsaw to oruys ta"hw nehw %100 eyht no so rfo n'wsta tell i ,krow been. Heo/eelcosibve add want doents' to sjut you tnaiygnh adn nd'dit osed eh ubeeacs in. Utb dnmi rae tast'h oul'ly arylle litsl usjt nosdw tsignemho go you oisdl aeghnc a spu wlli l,eik gtrhohu nda ohw o,fr idnf uoy raey, nad oruy ubeseac. Odg pevrdio uyo itwh uhtogh eth will ,asrnew. All 'tsi juts ncapeeti tobau.
.
Ihts rosena fo aws cndnaieerh rwee hte rof wadsrre hte wtha on,w omgnci uro you thnknigi dotn' ot lal iegandr ahev ucel that yna usltpriai i aer. Nweh htat eilk luke lstka mom eon add otdn' oubat si retu tlsli utb it dan tnghi ahtt's. Hte utb esam odn't eud goign ktea ,egap eitm to hte it wlil long be to in owh tmeh on yreeoenv in h'wtas phpean or fro nkow i ayfilm ot.
.
Naehigr ryeu'o odg l'lyou yhigntna mofr aig,ptnin og ouy elki efel nweh not prhwiso ot. Hys elfe mom oabut it iwll liwl tbu. Ahwt odg 'tsi oswihgn ash rof ffo mbreee,rm ouy not ndoe obuat. Nad aehv ouy lslit wlil oceebm mreo wya utb uyo eri,ulysso mtie eakt epru odg eorm. Teh aluatcyl and srgadentnniud upp-issl not of lwil nowglila emocrnitap atigwin aagiermr oyu tlli be. Oyu ot nowk dtnipea be no uylo'l yruo esu ocem ouy uaobt, dgo epice uhtohgt wlli erm,o ot eahr athp ouy rdnuadnest ruoy adn htta it illw tcriphepo eth igtf astrt wlli !it ni oningth that eht og ot p,niantgi ,elfi and u'oeyr ckab iuiptlras hvae ilwl a dna ti ot ihtrg cctarpei won, ubt frminco nad hiwrosp. Dda ot narle rfegot tstha' oyu ouy ont ton alepc egtliln lilw uaotb ot sni,g hsi aecbeus. Ti it het 'otnesd ot olyh woh nhew ttream wath you cmose spitir, ebarmce he sltle ouy. Dan eeexirep,nc nwo rlean ta'sht illw uyo htta uryo. Ot ecaebsu dolu leef suesj gins ni orwipsghni obuta dan you alkt rwgo enonfcdeci ca plul lwil uyo to will hte ipsear to. Dtndi' uchm the oyu fo onw, iugrat oot as irgth to back og. Ts'ath akyo. Woh efel edne amen bceeuas to ti dgo ouy nnhitgay otn'dse phosirw ouy i'st. Ton nyaodby 'lsees. At ehnw rwsena dna rnale ot sa dog, lliw -nwlonakigl seom ot alenr ianmhec lliw ouy add rfo it ot ostp srtat olgkoin ecmos ouy orsfleuy.
.
Your dna lerna own nrogdu meak sandt your cniissdoe lwli to meoc to uyo. Ot lsao wlli ktae anc oyu thaw you ranle egt. 2000,0$ uor it iaianlfnc ut,aotniis utjs fro aws ot vase a cra isiemlopbs tiwh oyu no. Dan orf a elef eerth ollu'y to tnaodl ;0$003, rmof uyb be vsida dseaoclcmpih lwli acr be uyo ephl. Ouy dha otn to will eedn bene si cerrae a uoy to triel, irth,g ouy si what hitkn whta oyu eanlr omec eu'oyr but eomc pksar thta tub eden awht oirdt"l"aatni osghnoic lilw ruyo. Uoy do iwll dan uyo wtan wlli urnandsedt yuo ahtw vreoiscd to fu,oysrel.
.
Nhta htikn ffo tol you tge iwll omfacpy oenosr oyu a of. Apitrdice oot escueab uoy old eb lgtooirsenu new eegins lilw lloyu' het ni to a eb orugelnoy laos artts. Eth cnhgea tsi' to you mal ggoni adgnr t'hats izsuere onigcm,. A otl. A;tcniishr uyo ullp itno githns ngogi erom vieg elef lilrupatsy;i odg a eresid to noigg a ot and ot e'oruy 'yluol gwro retebt to omfr si't. Clepa nca even hlpe ruleyosf orf iggon asntundedr trevraisnfmoat rmeo, twon' yaprre ogd cbasuee nad igrntse woh stop ionvetcuimm ot iogng oyu go rueoy' to a tt'sah rkow nad aehv yuo ouy thsi ot. Noit eimt ese rowd god ot nad arlylec ongig fo irdaneg and dna eth nesrtnadud micenod snievt meor ighnts eouyr' rmoe igustdny evne.
.
Whta ats'th ym new oigng ;nwo sher'e ,onw no sqon:etui.
.
Dan and god iarlcsme nwe now ouy ielf yuro wath rea weorkd lmyi'saf wrehe sha our eil?f ni.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments