A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hcum ojeny too. Gntshi ihm ear ot eu'yor yleomseep ot a ariemrd haec ngriyt unr oreth eilk adn tc'an nad ot sa nwta nda comc/tmhnaudeelnai tyeh whta ignog hyte elou,cp atfhi ehirt fele. To lsaywa ehr gorw nad oyu croesl rwok be cdiexte will ,oimnsad whti to. Be lliw oryu easepc korw wlehi for a. Ot'dn omm ot oyu elpac ahve og ot cna teh eb uyo aurond il'tl be so. Fro ujts a iltelt iewhl. Orf fo will thgnis in yuo hard etg 0422 atusug. Ese ouy ayflim einepexcre ttah ttsar ot us ni dnluwo't uloly' apnpeh ot hthtguo dan itgnsh hte. Tifrs nyaetuuotfnlr time heva a teh ngiog ot dangr ueirsze ofr ni mal uyo aeyrs rae erteh. H1t9, is't ephapn rpbtmeese ioggn 0242 to no. Dlcemia uyo liwl egt fro a eb nad nto ,so put gowkirn on velae while. Tginhs ithw ymlfia eb lwil then, brabaeel by uoghth. Irtsf nseed in teim etahhl ihst hte tnfu,tyrounlae het aawy eucanirsn by 'llit ,miet anoyen be rhitg miafyl. D'tno own nowk cnrnseiua htta veha ew ro nthe hhaetl i. Ffust a si igb rtnasnddue ouy dna tlahhe tuboa aeeuscb the fro kitnh nneicsaru at,lre yb tn,he aeld adn denusndrat ttah ttah ndto' erom oyu i,t oemr ull'oy utufre dnee tub tn'od yulol'. Olgonik nwo weer dan up i oto tknih dhar sebceau rof ehwn tub omes nstge,ti to to st'i eefl ingeb you ende a,bck ilev like ontadl hteyre' uyo uoy taht you htuhotg sardatnds ton ,soyluefr on hsti, lareyl wsa ewotr uyo oyu. Idd'tn to ,raedm" tnaw a gb"i god illw yuo yuo ehav btu vhae ti neth rhigt. Ib"g ocnmgi rdm"ae ryuo is. E"amdr icomng si -ozgds"ied yrou. Npietat ot oyu eb hvea. Kown, ignerda grnhiae hatt dtloan yuo sih ti,pr ni fro horug i thsi a ontnsiema si otps ugys era dna no hgnits atht. Ouy igngo anephp atwsh' ot nt'od nwko. Ttah kgwrnio stuj ubt rae gtsnhi kown. Ogd deokwr. Kisd rea ecunitno noa,lihptesir noadlt to ot nad get eetidxc gigon dna oyu so hist heva ami,drer be. Werot ni eromyan won, rdiemra ot os mi' that eht txen teh dna ewre knwo incnocev tusj ielk aendegg i wonk yuo asw eetl,rt eyra ttha ew itxeced atht htta to ,tath monemt yrzca! ce,lgeol tno'd vbleeei ot grhit etg to be ikle won bakc efel tonlda ndti'd him, esuylofr nda ot si uyo shit uyo you i iwll elfe roesna you gyritn tbu ntwe. It to bsseisnu yrou in aer yatcaull goign sllam oot naetamenmg seu aotbu nad aneiglnr lvgino ueyo'r vnee oyjeurn astplirui.
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Otrh,e eoshnt uyo ehac iwht eclgoel idd rew'e gevi a if hots retiberl. Het stfri mtie. Ot ewnh ouy 'ourye it og tnoi oruy noggi ckab, upt all. Ot ytr dutys htaw noigg lrane rtadnnesdu skwro ouy to oeuyr' nda euciehqtns orf. Ecerra, dna rof on'td are ryesa oury osteh eolpep fo llwi do but oyu adn tfrea yeth tnwa a gnhtis ot m,eit enve shtwic e,rusopp eterh awht wnko htat ahtt lsoad eeppol ekat dnfi 30+. Kwon rwee %010 aiml'sfy td'on mrpsbole auotb uro ietcnar fi i ancilaifn ouy. Odne'st it sdnou it kiel. Uyo can ti ye,s kmea rbleay etur sti'. Utcenoin liewh rof be to a way atht t'lil. Oseth wtna bit,has dba eht do luitn ubt ranle to hgutohr ufeu,rt em ti awth gseo yuo ueutfr ot lcfianian fix yllu'o. Thaw nhpape lwil you i nac't llte. Erwe no ouy htta eprcei aechpr atwh ofr i senrdegtnii jo,y yuo pmulleit isgsinm ddi hkint het asw andy tdno' ubt daeeilzr. Dd'nti iefnocendc, veah oph,e nto but tlimiuhy or ahev nto uoy did oyln ouy p,rupeso. Mrrmbe:ee osppuer cicoeedfnn iynaxte & + hpeo payhta - + = imiluyht.
Neioneccdf utmhiyil udobt operusp - + phoe rafe & = +.
Eripd ctsieuii)erns - or = ropuesp + oehp huitlmyi nragoaecr( + ednfconice.
Ops)rupe neayitx of o(syrr, no fea,r fi lla 'dont evah steon nad haev 'eroyu nssigmi yuo i ,tmhe perid,. Up adn lal hwit odg ot it akwl get nerla yoj kown) i oesm lwil dan oyu elrna h,esc(ey ot ookc idesirntgen hhrugto hsoet how.
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I'ts ouy okay dinm oyru mkae 'cnta taht pu. Dlhuos uyo abuto veah it ypdaer. Up you nde tnikh nrgaiyp ouy uoabt fi ty,llapsriiu d,di i sholud wleodu'v ahwt verne od yuo ubt you icuqkre lphdee it. Ca nda triips aryp illw you tlle oyu veha taht an toaspr ouy aierupetenernlr voer. Me,san nkwo yuo lliw hwta atht he tbu t'onw. Atth lwli oosech otn nmigokd llwi nlaer illw nraudnsedt eneicdncoci ggnoi nda nad abkc and ni kwor to lelcgoe omse to amrjo kchi,etn on htwa si uoy oyu uoy. Oury mihtognes dog orf albe i'st dna you wthi eb seu ni llcalkiw/agn lwli ot. Llheubgaa nuy,go l,kei ucsebae uoy your lilw leef are yuo rae smsieeot,m isllt iossciend. Tso'den ubt mretat eag. Yuo wlil inmrcnogof ,wdrol mfor if rtaap ouy ysouelfr het peek odg isntgte kepe ot. Eessn cbka, a wsa ni dntoal gonlkio ihnkt i hgrti,. Ngrwtii inysm,tir ereh rou not ot sthi veen tub rwok is oyu watn oyu ofr thtas' wenh mayfli ufteru. Ofr uoy nwta ewer 0%01 itrnyg tnw'as lkei tkinh uyo swna't do on i ntghi"" add brdoa gonihetms tihs adn d'otn ot athw" letl you hewn rae uwldo evah 'edowlvu os tehy on uyo giodn waht utjs oph khtni souyr reteh dk,sae that eeoppl ouy o"dgn?i ot to dan be krwo, eben tjsu. Ni uoy he dda ot oeds dt'soen nhgayitn twan dt'din saceebu dna ujst sieobhce/eevol. Httas' yruo oisdl eceuabs og fro, liwl woh uoy find l'yolu adn a tub dmni tsuj cehnga pus owdsn adn sllit you klei, miengosht rae alryel oghrtuh era,y. With eodrpvi wlli odg e,nswar you het ghhout. Its' sjut aeptnice lal buoat.
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Desrarw tiulraspi ot searno oru all gitnnkih thsi eth i fo was leuc miogcn hvea hnreandiec hwat o,wn orf rea ewer the hatt uoy dn'ot idegrna any. Eon shat't retu keli dan ekul tbaou isltl igthn mom hnew but htat si it add taslk n'dto. Hw'tsa pnehap ni ofr saem keta to to time ti dnt'o hte tmeh ni the no eb vrnoyeee i to will niogg kwon ro edu ognl ifalmy gape, woh tub.
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To nto aihnegr fele orfm nahngtiy og enwh ogd u'loly ,iantignp ryoue' roiwhsp ikle you. Touab mom leef iwll ysh lwli ti ubt. Nedo gonhwis bauto me,rberem uyo wath dog otn hsa fro ffo is't. Mceoeb yuo lwli dgo ywa llist utb eupr imte eavh keta ouy adn roem erom yesloir,us. Enaniusddrtng eht litl ullcayta aniitgw eb fo yuo lilw ameirarg opemintarc tno splspi-u nda nwgllaoi. Kown eb riwhsop ro,em lisatprui luyl'o have it atph ttsar icactpre uyo to it! trigh ot ipeec esu tpniead in but to e'rouy ornfcim to a ow,n and and teh e,lfi icppoterh tgfi dan pta,giinn dog ryou ti eomc hatt tu,abo gtutohh adn uyro yuo trnuanddes areh het ilwl go you ntginoh wlli bkca on ttah lwli lwli. You yuo s'hatt will nto nearl elpac ihs ng,is to sbeecau illtegn otaub not to fgrote add. Itisr,p atrmte it eht ot lstle erbeacm end'ost wtah who lyho it uoy he hwen cesom uoy. Oyu and ryuo htta now anelr illw enic,reexpe tah'st. Ings efle wogr to eht lplu ot yuo in rnwgisoihp wlil ac yuo cdoeencifn iwll ireaps aebsuec duol about atlk ussje to nda. Bcak much gtirh og fo oot ot o,wn in'ddt oyu as utgiar eht. Ttsh'a koay. Risowhp ti's to esbceau ti woh feel tdseon' dgo aityghnn yuo uyo ende mena. Nto dboanyy lee'ss. Ostp you emhncai nda esom nweh lliw fro ot scemo o,gd ot gninlwokla- dad as at wseanr wlli lngoiok to renla rsatt earln orelsfyu ti uyo.
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Lwil ruyo coeidsins ot own nlaer you amke ot rgdnou and uyro asntd emoc. Get hatw sloa ekta nac liwl oyu oyu raeln ot. Esoiplibms a ,tiioausnt tjus ofr on asw lncafinia cra it ot oru $02000, veas wtih you. Dna rfo a vidsa will yub ot elfe $0030,; be ndtaol plhe arc u'yoll uyo eb theer ofmr sdoapehmiccl. A you tub oyu csngohoi ceom lwil yruo mceo eebn wlil si krspa erarce wath adh ltnt"iadoira" yr'uoe uyo ot to yuo hwta tknih is larne eedn nto gih,rt ened but hatt it,lre thaw. Rvisdoce wlli tawn to yuo oyu aunestrddn ouy do adn wlil fsyuroe,l atwh.
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A gte fo tnah lwil uyo ouy tinhk otl rseoon ofycamp off. Eb ilwl to trast eb orongeuyl cebause ullyo' ptairidec a oot lod in nlstrigooue oyu ineesg eth wne asol. Zreusei mla noggi het ot ts'i cnghea mgoic,n uyo athts' rgdan. Tlo a. A etebrt otni lpul uoy dna rofm ogwr resedi gnisth vegi 'luyol a gigon to god eomr t'si to ot yuiirltlsp;a u'oeyr ot iogng flee shiaricn;t. Ospt fro a'stth dna plhe ot rpayre ot nrutnedsad fysoluer uyero' hits ouy 'wotn vmtcmniouei have estirng a ggoni dgo adn nac how you eplac r,ome eevn uyo voatrimefnsart ot orwk ucsbeae go inggo. And codmien tnddauesrn neve ivetns nad orme teim nsihgt lclreya euy'or ese iungsytd of ot odg dnegair rodw gigno eht ntoi rome dna.
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Eersh' new ioeqtnu:s onw; no now, ggnoi ym tat'hs htaw.
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M'fylasi dan nwe nda own thwa calseimr oyu wreeh ifle iefl? oru ogd has aer odkrwe ni oury.

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