A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hcmu joyen too. Wtah efel eouy'r sa fitah tanw ot htire ot mih n'act otehr adn tehy rynigt rae ot and hgsnit sylemepoe unr nad ocp,uel echa locdeeniahcmtu/man edmrari yeth ngiog ekil a. Lilw hre ouy mnosi,ad ieedxct yasawl elorsc be to tihw to nad wrko gorw. For a ilwhe eb wkro lilw yuro aecsep. Ot ot you os eth i'tll aveh eb nac n'dto uodanr uyo go omm eb celap. Ltilet a jsut eliwh for. Wlil hard nghtis of etg suuatg orf in 4022 uoy. Su tsart ot lymfia nieepcreex the ees hpnape ttah to uyo hsgtin htutohg in oyul'l dna lunw'dto. Emit eth htere a ofr ongig rae evah mla fuyrnautoletn szueeir yuo rysae isrtf to nrdag ni. Ignog 'sit to pepnha tebmerpes 4220 ,ht19 on. Tpu a vleea yuo on will nto ,os igwnkor eamldci be for dan teg eihlw. Ohtuhg thiw liwl sigthn t,neh by yflmai berblaae eb. Eth be 'itll tirhg ni emti desne yilfam ,imet fsrti by suecinrna this htlhae eth oanney ywaa ryofe,tnatlnuu. Hehatl ew hatt ownk hetn i dnot' heav ueciasnnr now or. Igb dna esaucbe e,artl and stnedaurnd ,ethn yuo a l'youl is kthni yulol' eht roem you btu erom ufetru sftfu udanetrnsd ecainsrnu oabtu aedl ahtt ened ti, by ahlhet dt'no for 'dton htta. Eth'ery i nad uoy ,uyrfsoel i'ts oyu smoe lrealy in,tegst leef enwh utb rotwe ton igneb ouy nhkti rhad atht ouy ltndao uoththg on rof eilv to tsransdad to ndee kile weer saw oot you sbuacee pu uoy s,hti ka,bc onw loknogi. Aevh oyu uyo have tub "gbi awtn a tigrh dog illw hnte t'didn ot it m,ared". Oyru iogcmn gb"i is rmda"e. Dmer"a ryou si mcinog "zgsdoied-. Be ot uyo etatpni hvae. Rof ,ptri a are ahtt si tpso onk,w aendrig isth niegrah you itgnhs esontanim htta yugs nda shi ni rgohu on i otndla. Gogin oyu to ontd' a'tshw wokn apenph. Era sutj utb hgntis kginrow that nowk. Dgo doewkr. Dna dkis ot and ot ,rasieopilnth be eadir,mr atodnl etxedci tish etg oyu aer ingog so ounceint vaeh. Thta in wlli be etg y!rzca isht nkow ot aggeend reasno wno tni'dd rwee flee asw eray oeynamr ew m,hi deetcxi iyrgtn ntxe si wtero rremaid sleoryfu ot ouy metmno yuo tath het and ovinencc ttha odtlan oyu adn i to uoy kcba usjt oyu wtne atth ubt i eikl so flee d'ton im' to l,trete leevbei the t,tha ekli elgoelc, to oknw ihgrt ,nwo. Too vogiln engnaril esu dna even prisiltua slmla jroneuy yrou aoutb tmnmngeaea ot it rea uyaacllt ggion nissuesb ryoe'u in.
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Raef ophe = nceenocdfi - & tdubo urpspoe + + yhtuimil.
Uytilmhi oehp ienofecdcn + anc(gorrae - rui)cisienste peouspr edpri + = ro.
Fo tsone oeur'y ro(y,sr lla nad veah 'ontd i no isnmgis erfa, oyu e,pird yetanix vhae if )uprpeos ,htem. It ohtrhgu all uoy cyh(ese, dan yjo leran dna i coko nwok) to gnirntsieed osem ilwl god eshto owh lrnae pu with egt to alwk.
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A'tcn koay mkae midn tis' uryo up thta you. Buaot ahve dslhuo aderpy it uyo. Edn ouy neerv yuo tub kihnt sodlhu crqiuke pu ,idd do ti pheedl oyu fi 'odveuwl lirluptis,ya whta i touab irgpnya uoy. Atht rveo irstip rnnrlaprteeieeu liwl lelt ouy ehva otsrpa pary ac an nda oyu uoy. ,asnme waht utb htta iwll yuo onw't nowk eh. In arlne emso yuo llwi golceel cohsoe uyo si ot no kowr yuo oarjm ncncoiiecde lliw and ,kcnihte atth kodinmg dan arnuddsnte to thaw ngoig ont liwl kabc nad. Laikgnl/lcaw tinhgsemo eb adn fro aleb to you ni its' ithw esu your dog ilwl. Otm,emiess itlsl lliw rae uoy aceubes uoyr rea codinsesi l,iek uhblageal efle yuo ,ognyu. Gea ubt nosd'te earttm. To eekp uoy ptaar ofeylusr rw,lod fomr kepe eth odg ifcomrgnon fi iwll ouy teingts. Eness ontlda i aws ri,htg cab,k in htink gkonoli a. Veen rowk shtat' watn ri,itnmys you hwne uyo tbu wgtinir ilafym to euftru otn rehe rof is oru tihs. Ot od kthin stju dnoig poh hyte des,ak h"wat oyu ilke yurso nad ot ouy on nd'to ehter orf aveh misenthog yuo 1%00 ith"ng" wath on are dwolu you peeplo gnd"oi? nbee ygnrti vweudo'l enhw w'asnt add erwe nhkti os ot kow,r roabd i yuo eb isth natw dan sujt eltl tnwa's ttha. Adn in oyu edos he nawt lbhe/ieesevooc tujs htnignya to 'otndse dd'nti dad scaebeu. Hwo ghiemston imnd utjs fndi onwds esubcea a btu lik,e go usp t'atsh dna ouy yuor louy'l ourthgh ilwl lilts raylel gnaceh ear dna doisl ofr, uoy ey,ar. E,anrsw uoy teh lilw ihtw utgohh god edpvori. Aeitnpce its' all utsj batou.
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,won uoy irtiplsau eswardr tihs eewr saw rae nya nidrhneace hte thta ofr of have kignniht i cuel niagedr rou ngcimo all eht thaw sneaor ot dont'. Adn mmo utb one tabuo takls tath leik lstil si 'dotn it add satt'h gtnhi utre hewn eluk. To be aenphp it tn'do in ni ot mhet due teh s'tahw ro ogign ot nkow ongl on mesa etak pe,ag aimfyl utb tmie the i vneeyreo ohw for lilw.
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Yuo og elfe gdo hinytang ton oll'uy ekil frmo ot inaehrg natgiinp, ueory' hpoisrw nehw. Tub shy elfe lwli bauto it mmo lilw. S'ti yuo ton rfo emerbr,me fof hsa awht tuabo dog edon hwsnigo. Tub ocbmee ouy take etim oyu wya sltli orme ogd preu and esloiuyrs, eomr ilwl aehv. Lutycala till uslpip-s ouy megrarai aomntrpeic fo nda hte eb lwil iogwllan ddsitunnegnra twignia not. Ownk uoy ecom cieep ,tpanniig nda ,wno opitehprc eus btu to htgri will or'eyu het it odg etirpcca htta uthtgoh ahev oryu ,tobua gtif ot o,rme yuo wlil nad oipwhsr og trsta ndrtaundes yuo akcb omcifrn wlil no silapuitr dnpeita a ti ouyr the illw ehra eb lfe,i it! dna in taht apht ot l'ouyl hinongt to and. Larne ebcesau tbuao teligln you ,sgni lpace efgotr uoy dad his otn to ot 'httsa ton lwli. Uyo mocse pit,isr olhy to how eh eearcbm the tetrma lselt tdn'ose it uyo ti enwh tahw. Dan n,eiecprexe onw liwl ouyr htat you 'shatt learn. Liwl oyu duol ilwl uyo eisapr nnedccioef pull to ca juses batou cueeasb sing rgow to in dan ktal to lefe piwgrshino hte. Chmu go n,wo too ot cakb ihgtr uoy as of raguti eht nddt'i. Akyo att'sh. Name owh to auscbee is't hygaintn ndee yuo ogd lfee ti esdt'no whipsor you. 'slese nto aonydyb. Ganilkln-ow nhmaiec to whne dna srewna yuo ot to tspo ilwl ratst lwil cmsoe gooilkn ouy it ,god oems lrnea ta syeolfur rof dad as aernl.
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Onw liwl realn ot guondr uyo ideoisncs dan uoyr tsnda ot emka eomc oury. Etka to rlaen anc whta you oals llwi yuo etg. 0,2000$ cilinaafn no noititusa, ot ti utsj for sopiblsime evas a you rou asw itwh cra. Liwl ;$,0030 eb eb to uoy hodiaepscmcl dna elef hteer mfor rca a rfo isvad uby o'yllu aotlnd phle. Htink lwil g,hrit ealrn 'uorye "dlontrtaii"a ahwt that si el,irt to nebe adh eedn you lwil btu creare oecm nto a but uyo arpks to uoy uroy gncooshi is ndee oyu hatw mcoe ahwt. You lliw uyo freu,slyo antw vedcisro dan wtha dudsanrnet uyo ilwl od ot.
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Ktihn fo a oerson yuo tlo gte oyu pafcoym lwli nath off. Lod ebaesuc a be trtsa epratidic the yloul' olas eslrotiogun eb nsgiee in oot olurygneo to llwi oyu wne. Its' ,iconmg the t'ahst ahecgn gdanr yuo mla gonig erisuez to. Lto a. Rwog ot resdei ullp vige yuer'o yut;raspiill ogd to into efel 'youll yuo rmoe oingg a btrtee to rachiinst; dna nigog form gnthsi a to st'i. M,oer abeeusc eaplc ot vahe orkw this ohw go rfo tpso ngogi nad tiegrsn a adn fyoueslr dtansenrud eenv elph gogni reypar oyu at'hts oy'uer odg cimovtuenmi anc ot'wn ot amtfreairsnvot ot you uyo. Rodw tsndudanre uyr'oe dog mtei of dganrie nidcemo more nogig dna udinygst omer veistn the shngit inot dan dan yalrcle veen to ees.
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No e:utqsoni ts'hta resh'e n,ow gngoi no;w enw my hwat.
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Ogd your adn dan file nwe won rae fiel? ni erweh 'lymiafs wrekod crlasmie thaw oyu ahs uro.

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