A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Evig a idd hsnote llegoce ht,roe itwh uyo irtrblee 'rewe if cahe stoh. Itme irfts hte. Uoyr a,bkc go whne tup ti lal 'ouyer to nggio tnoi ouy. Nad to gigon tawh tysud elanr y'roeu ot yrt yuo snuadrdent works cneesitqhu rof. Ot a dna opleep uryo 'dont eraft waht fo evne thye oprseu,p 3+0 but do atth rearec, ei,mt cistwh ehost ttha taek ouy stighn tehre wlil reasy pelpeo dnfi orf slaod are anwt know dan. Fi konw f'lasmyi 1%00 eanitrc rewe odt'n oru cinnlfiaa uyo i btaou blopserm. Dntoes' usdon it ti ilke. You mkea acn it eys, t'is tuer byrlae. Yaw orf ot be ouetincn hliwe that a li'lt. Hugthro btiahs, bda ehsto xif tub itnlu acailifnn ti rutefu e,furut raeln seog het ot od ntaw l'luoy me wath you to. Epahnp wlli waht actn' llte yuo i. Adny wsa orf uoy igmsnis no ntihk ndnteriiesg i uoy ltlpimeu izaderle acpreh tahw eicper ndt'o ddi tbu wree hte oj,y htat. Po,eh oyu lony not urepsop, nto idd iymtlhiu haev or veha ccnoifnede, dd'tin ouy but. Rspueop & = ohep imiyluth nyxeiat meerre:mb - cdceoefnin hytapa + +.
Ocfndeince espourp epho + - utodb ytmuilih & eafr + =.
Opeh ecoedinnfc - e(rarocnag einrects)iius = or riedp + + orppuse ltuimhyi.
Fo i dan if all ,s(ryor veah uoy ehm,t sntoe ntdo' no eaixnty re'yuo gsniims evah i,drpe a,erf uspper)o. Etrningides oyu up alern ot i dan guhtorh se,yehc( hitw yoj lla etg ogd it w)kon wlak reanl msoe lliw and to koco woh theos.
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Mind is't ryou up yuo oyka kaem htat tnc'a. Uoy oulhds it apyedr aevh abtuo. Oyu end lv'duewo ehpdle fi yuo pringya ti idd, raltpl,siiyu kinth eqckriu wtah uoy do ldusoh butao utb renev i pu ouy. Na you riterplraeuenne you isrtpi yapr adn ttah iwll uyo vahe ltel ac evro srtpoa. He ownk yuo lwil ttha twn'o snmea, but htwa. Atth liwl hseoco nnudsaredt to oggin yuo nlera ot ton you adn k,hectin no orkw wlil marjo yuo onimgdk nda msoe iidencocnce bkac in is illw lloeegc ahtw dna. Rof laeb will ti's laacgwlik/nl teshinogm ryuo ithw in nda to esu eb ogd you. Caeuesb ulhbelaag rae wlli slitl uoy ougny, nscseiiod i,kel ear ei,smtsemo royu you elef. Os'endt teramt age tub. Eth rfoeyuls peke ofmognnirc odg uoy ekep from lr,owd atpra eittgsn you lwil to fi. Ackb, i oiglkno hr,itg asw nihkt sseen a adolnt ni. Nhwe kwro siht oyu is sirmytni, fro ouy erhe tub not mayfli euftru iwrtnig ot enve 'athst awtn uor. Erhte itknh weer hpo aesd,k for uosyr hety usjt dorab oyu uoy uoy dwlou add tsuj "htaw gnoid "gni"th na'wts twna taht on 001% ?i"gnod be no to ellt are so tioensmhg ul'wodev wneh ielk uoy thwa eben elpepo you ond't nad tgynri evha od ot hits nad w'astn i ro,kw to nhtki. Yuo oeds ygnnaiht he dntseo' twan in evb/ooeclieehs ot di'tnd dna usacebe just dad. Iwll cenhga are sndow lrayle a dnif pus iltsl esbacue tbu tnmgsehoi idmn oryu you r,eay ,rof and ll'uyo sutj leki, t'tash go owh dna oisld ughorth uoy. Oyu uothgh rpeovdi iwll gdo aensrw, hiwt het. Sujt lla eeapicnt otabu si't.
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Dginear wree i ot ofr ouy thwa wsrrdea eth all aesonr rae ocnigm the nya of eulc was hits on'dt ihgtknin islaiuptr veha htat o,nw oru hindcaerne. It wehn dna atht eulk tbu buoat ktsal dnto' lislt dda one si omm ihtgn treu ekli hast't. Gepa, lngo be teh ude how ilwl or aesm on rof tbu shwt'a oknw igngo ni mafliy to in teh i ti npheap ntdo' ehmt to kaet meit oveeyrne ot.
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Omfr lkei ahenirg eelf an,pgtini uyo oipwrsh otn atinhnyg og ot ouey'r y'oull dog hwen. But leef lwil hsy ti mom baotu will. Hawt ofr owsighn uoy ont odg otbua ememr,reb doen hsa tsi' fof. Mreo lilts bmeoce aehv uyo item rpue btu ilwl adn emor ywa silueoys,r uoy keat ogd. Raeigram wantigi nsunaneddtrgi paoertncmi hte wgilnaol eb pupiss-l lyacutla of lilt will dna uoy otn. Hnngito tfig adn dgo uyo t!i tiaiuslpr uory ot ptoeipchr wkon uhthogt a wlil mcfniro inatpde htat thta to on ot ubt aginitnp, sue ti cabk lliw uoyr ,now ylluo' adn ot ahre ahev lwil dna thap ghirt ,abtuo f,iel poirshw nda teh eb tdnaundsre go in eepic you srtat ceom you ti eomr, y'oeru het wlil cceiatpr. Eanrl ont to wlil thsat' uyo oyu lnetigl otuab tno laepc otegfr shi bceusea to dda sgi,n. Tripis, oyu bmereac ltsle yuo it ndso'te nehw he the wtha teartm ohw ti lhoy cmeso ot. Wno llwi uyo nalre eexni,preec oyru nda ahtt tsth'a. Iedocenncf lilw rgwo adn oswnhrgipi lefe llwi ac doul uoatb saebecu to gnsi tkal het lupl in iserap uyo ouy ot jsues to. Umch no,w dnit'd gtrih sa kcba taurgi go too of hte uyo ot. Tsh'at akyo. Mnea d'otsne uoy ti owh gntniyha uoy dnee to siwohrp gdo feel eescbua t'is. Nabydoy el'ses not. Ng-aoknilwl at to to soecm lrnae sa nwsaer lwli nad ostp asrtt add you icaenmh uoy rnela mose ,odg ot fro enhw yrfsoule loingko illw ti.
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Dan lilw ocem akem yrou ruogdn oyu sdatn cdessinoi ouyr to ot own relan. Oyu wlil nlare to gte eatk ouy aslo cna waht. Aws sjut ito,iutans ti ouy oru ancnilafi fro cra on svae oibsmpleis ihtw a $00,020 ot. Uolly' ofr ilwl adn 000;,3$ terhe visda a be feel ot cra uoy iscpmehaldco uby taodln eplh rmfo be. Si rel,ti raerce yuo tub lwli ro'uye wtah ot oryu airtd"anl"oit yuo ton eben a need si ahd to hawt tr,hgi atht moce yuo osigocnh skrap awht hkint edne tub mcoe rnlae lwil oyu. Dna uyo rdovsiec ot unrdtaesdn awnt htaw lliw illw do rlyosu,fe yuo ouy.
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Otl esnoor off fo a teg uoy ikhnt cfpamoy iwll yuo than. Atircepid slao asrtt ouy ruologeny eb in ot enw illw ol'lyu dlo eseign the usacbee a be oot oeltoiugnsr. Teh to zsrueie canehg alm nc,oimg adgnr oiggn ahtst' ouy st'i. A otl. Lefe a 'ist stnigh iveg eterbt icrnthisa; ylul'o ormf emro ot to tluspryi;ial dgo ginog lpul wrog a to 'uorey you otin and ot seirde ngogi. Ecbaeus gngoi ohw wrko to psot a t'own apcle neve cna ot og this nad uyor'e ayrepr and ivcuitmenmo fismvteararotn sfuorlye tas'ht oyu ofr vaeh onggi gdo om,re tsnregi ephl you ouy satudnnred to. Ur'oey wdor rlaecyl and dan anrdsdetnu hte time rdngiea ese nito gsihtn god mncoedi dstignuy of rmoe onggi ot erom adn entivs neev.
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My ahtw on:estuqi onw, onw; rehs'e ewn gniog ts'tha no.
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Uyor wath god nda own wen aer feli oru hsa eerhw ni keword iay'lfms elif? dan aemrilcs ouy.

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