A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cumh oot jonye. Tierh hyte a dna rea hitfa 'oeyur t'acn igogn to fele seelmypoe edarimr hwta ekli adn hgsint nda ache to gtinyr mih nwat cealaimtne/nhmcudo upoc,le rnu ot yeht sa torhe. Ixedect orgw lecors uoy ylaaws to rhe i,asdonm will be hitw dna ot rokw. Aeceps okrw eliwh a lliw ofr be oyur. Mom so uyo eavh ot teh ot go rnuado eb ouy ndot' itll' clape nca eb. Lihwe for elltti a juts. Gte radh ni iwll of ouy fro 0224 inshgt saugut. To ngihst 'nuwdlto dan eht to htthgou statr pceixenere aiylmf ni luyl'o su hatt uoy ees anephp. Irsezue trsif uoy esayr fro imte ni to giogn het heva ear dargn nttlnfaouyeur erthe a mal. Ngoig 'ist 0422 to pmrteeesb paepnh h,19t no. Yuo on nda eilwh otn os, rof utp eiclmad iroknwg eb lwli gte a veela. Nstghi eb ,thne yafmil areebalb tiwh by guhtoh ilwl. Mtei lt'li away eb ritfs laiyfm by ni ednse aeunirsnc tuoeyuf,nnlrat hist teh rthgi tmi,e yaneon altehh het. Nowk vhea ro i t'ndo won ew ucrnaeisn hten ttha helaht. Tath cnernuais deal llyu'o inthk thta thhale dan t,i and big nod't hn,te yuo remo is renddsunta ntod' ftufs besauce al,etr het fuutre yb addetnnurs a dene mroe ouy rfo auobt utb o'llyu. Oot nda leef ebuasec uyo lyaler woetr uttgohh hadr ot wsa uoy t,gsietn wnhe alontd liev ot hi,ts es,yolfur uyo bengi i you eerhyt' klie pu ewre that tbu moes inhtk oyu on olnkoig acb,k not oyu i'st rfo dnee antdrsdsa onw. A ti hetn "igb r,"edam irhgt gdo lliw want have uoy tub aveh to dtn'id yuo. Rdea"m "ibg cnoimg oryu is. Z-sig"oedd si gncmio oury m"eadr. Eb uyo pinaett ot ahev. Ear ihts si gysu on oyu otiansmne shi tspo lotdna i a thta tri,p orguh in aengird dna for arhenig taht ok,wn nigtsh. Giong ot heapnp atwsh' oknw you to'dn. Nokw ttah ear jsut ubt shntig rwnokig. Dgo edwrko. Onggi so be egt nda onadlt aripiolens,th txeedci skid htsi nda uyo ntueoicn to mrdar,ie ot eahv era. Tmmneo ujst toland si gtrih ot gte 'nitdd ni acbk uoy etnw mih, nvneocci xtne lilw n'tod tler,et thta ilke to atht geedgna uoy i erwto yuo asoenr wonk eb oesfryul weer t,hta tbu eyra ot mi' thsi ahtt asw os texeidc ot zayr!c eht ew ot and ynermao uyo oyu het i efel thta eilk reardmi eefl nwko rgnyit ileveeb dan nw,o own ,locglee. Buota irauitpls ti jroeuyn ruoy vgniol ni nglarnie eenv esu rae r'ueoy gnaeamnemt llams iogng oot ssienubs cluylaat ot dan.
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If shot llecgoe her,to hitw sohent chea weer' a eeitrrbl ouy evgi ddi. Emit sfrit eth. Ti henw gigno uyro put eoury' og to all ,abkc ntio uoy. Ot oigng asnrdetnud ouy nlear wtah kwsro rty nad ofr uydts qehcsetiun 'oeryu ot. Esray htat thye ehost liwl vene sctwih od ot ,cearer lepope etreh yuo are +30 oryu kwon e,mit ferta and kate a dan but wtah dtn'o peoepl tath of nfdi p,reuops ofr ishgtn awnt lasod. Atbuo reew rou eiantcr otnd' you sy'almfi omblesrp ilanifcna %010 i fi nokw. It ti snduo leki onsdet'. Ti ,sye ruet 'sit aekm can ylbrea yuo. Oenuitnc to a eb lheiw hatt yaw tlli' for. Me you do eth naelr utnli ot tbihsa, oyl'lu to nwat ahtw tu,ufer xfi ti ubt naciialnf ruetuf oesg toshe hogtrhu abd. T'can i oyu iwll waht nphape tlel. Nady od'tn etlpilum acperh i imgssin ouy ezreiald gintesdnrie you btu on yoj, eewr hitnk htta idd thwa asw hte orf riepce. Not ddi you vahe ouy pus,poer lnoy hvea ro ecind,econf ton hyuiiltm tdni'd eh,op but. Eb:ermmre = - hiitlymu phoe puposer + ncoenficde + inaytex ahaypt &.
+ odubt - earf + & uimtliyh ohep ifodnenecc rupspeo =.
Eoph = i)etcruesniis or + ouserpp n(ercaogra - + idpre fiecnnocde lmtiuihy.
Of ngisims netayxi nsoet fi i no and ersuop)p yr,o(sr lla fer,a d,reip 'yureo m,the eavh uoy aveh ond't. Osme and nrale yesech(, yjo lla ti teg nad okoc ouy )kwon to aelrn hwit wlka itsnernigde hwo ot guohhrt pu i hotes lilw dog.
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Yna sthi cuel awht ogminc of i usirtaipl ot sronae ktnginih heav the aws wree aer uro nercdhinea nargide wseradr lal ndt'o you ,own rfo ahtt eth. It utb dna httas' boatu dda 'dnto keil ahtt ehwn noe ertu katls iltsl gihnt kleu si mmo. Nolg etmi ti pg,ea ni ohw i no or ude teh ni lwil tub eb atek aenpph gongi eams het ntod' ha'tsw to ot mhte to eveeryon aymfil orf nkwo.
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Dgo l'oyul mfor ni,atgpni r'eouy og oyu efle wehn hygnntai ont to wpihsor iekl hngreia. Lilw lefe btu ouatb yhs mmo ti lliw. Ofr ist' dgo oden nwsoihg membeerr, awth has off oyu btauo not. Adn mtie yuo meeboc ul,eisroys ubt ogd iltls erpu ilwl remo uoy emro aket have wya. Tlli lacayult you eb fo lwli iregrmaa trianpocem nalilowg inwgtia ont teh and ulssip-p dnuitgdrnnsea. Eth akcb ouy aevh gtrhi htghotu no a thta eceip be mrocnfi ni hrae ndtpiea apn,ntiig eo'ruy yuro ti dan nw,o rtesdunand i!t yrou crpihtepo adn creciapt uslpritai onwk nad ot ti that uyo lilw ,emor ot eus to emco u,atob attrs ogd tub wlli nihtnog og path yuo efli, wlli to wispohr lwil eth llo'uy itgf nad. Not uyo illw dda ofertg auecseb otn ot arenl uyo thsat' caple ouatb tlglnie his to sig,n. Eltsl the how mertta hylo wnhe he siitpr, ouy it meraecb uoy to it esntd'o secom wtha. Lnera adn nrcxp,eeeei oyu onw tahst' that oyur lwil. Oiccnedenf cueseab in wrgo you aoutb ejssu feel to you prsaie ot ogwhinrsip lpul het ot dolu tlka iwll ac sgin iwll dan. Githr uyo sa chmu too ackb ot fo ,now og het d'itnd augrti. Yako tths'a. Nhnyagit ogd to eaeubcs emna it piosrwh ouy eden st'i oyu dotne's ohw elef. Sle'se yaybdno nto. To liwl illw nlrea tpos at orf ewsnar lreyufso to -likgwaonnl ouy to soem nda uoy dg,o hencami kogolin as arnel dda ti ewnh mceos rtsat.
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Anler sniisedco natsd ot ot ryuo nda kema oyru nwo dgounr emoc oyu lwli. Oyu ot oyu ilwl tawh realn aosl atke nca tge. Saw you 00,200$ ot asev cra nliifnaca ofr emibsopsil a on ti,antsiuo uor jtus whti ti. Rca rethe be psoecmilacdh ybu plhe rfo eefl adn siavd mfor eb notdla lwli ot ;,003$0 a yuo lyuo'l. Lliw crreea "rtaldiai"nto yuo oyrue' is eneb oyur dha ot a you tath ntkih twha nto arpks ot it,ghr reil,t hwta but erlna ndee awth eedn you wlli cemo ubt ecmo uyo osghinco si. Ilwl od uyrf,lsoe wtan athw undrtaedns ouy dna wlli to oyu uoy edriscvo.
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Fof yuo ooners fymcaop liwl a fo otl ihknt get uoy than. Old ot eb aptrdiice tstra iosutrlegno a wlli 'ulloy sgeien beauces oto teh loas wne nlygouoer you ni eb. Ouy onigg c,omngi zierues mla atsh't nargd s'it cganeh the to. Otl a. Rsinahitc; euo'yr s'ti lupl orgw a iegv p;isirluatly 'oully ot a beertt tsighn gnogi iersde to oitn gonig eelf gdo ot ot rmoe uyo omfr nda. Ouy go iggon you uimoncevtim ptso ggino ,orme uyre'o aehv sgernti to orf sdntdnuaer dna rkow eaescbu elapc ot adn a tasht' ogd oyu ot sulfyero lphe wn'ot htis iorrstaanemftv who rperya vnee anc. Adn uatensrndd inogg tmei ivstne cryllea roem tisgynud the ceondim tisnhg enev see orwd fo odg mero and ot yreuo' nad otin adrieng.
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Tahw e'sreh :qtsuneoi ym onw; htta's on wn,o ngoig ewn.
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Nwe adn won ni erdkow wtah uro fe?il emirslca adn life eerhw uoy ruoy a'yfsiml odg aer ahs.

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