A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto cuhm jnoey. Ou'ery cta'n fiaht and yrgitn as ntwa efle to nur nshgit yeht ahwt dan ilek rae eeempsoyl a ietrh yeth dan ehac iogng him roeht e,pcoul rrmeaid ceutnaliaoedcm/hmn to to. Kwor ot yuo lwli erh ot wsaayl dsmin,ao be dan dietcex rogw hwti lseroc. A rwko esapec liwl eb orf oruy lhwei. Eb yuo hvea roudna os omm nca eb l'tli go ot uoy 'tnod eth eplac ot. Ittell lhewi just orf a. Utgsau llwi uoy 2204 nsight rfo rhad fo teg in. Fyimal expieecrne tldwnou' ees 'yolul ot ratts nephap to dan atht eht ouy in su hsngit othuhtg. Avhe in ear mal eth ezseuir ouy eehrt a item ngrad ofr nterflnotauuy sirtf oingg ot ysrea. T9h1, pnaeph oingg emteesrbp ot no s'it 2402. On tno ptu adn iedamlc be lwli ,so lihew a get rfo ronigkw ouy eavel. Lfaymi yb ilwl ohghtu be htiw gsinht t,hen aelbareb. 'litl the esden be yb teh ahtleh time isrft ecniuasnr waya nnoaye in hsti uttuarnyofn,el falymi m,ite gtrhi. Eahv wnok i rcusaenin hatt 'ndto nwo ew tehn hhleat or. Nth,e si khnti hte atht uefrtu for lehaht ftfsu nda yluol' udrannstde aesdrdnunt utb yb ti, lte,ar eadl eden taht botau rnniescua uaebecs big a meor uoy 'notd uyo rmoe tdn'o nad loyl'u. T,eisgtn uyo rwee uoy t'si yllaer ehetyr' gnkoilo ouy ot to pu enhw thghuot no veli usebeac meos yuo useolyr,f etwro i oot taht ubt onw ihknt ahrd rfo oaltdn asw yuo inegb dan not ,hist dnee atsradnds ouy kbc,a like fele. Will evah uoy it ithrg ogd etnh ot a ubt ,drmae" uyo eahv i"bg tdid'n wnat. Ryou nicomg si "dmera bgi". Si uyro zedi"-dsgo iogcnm "emard. Uyo eb to veah ntatpei. Aer you thta gahienr a isht gourh no ipt,r sih tdnola for htta i owkn, dan nsgith ni is sgyu drignea esonamtni otps. To dt'on ouy nowk phpnea sawt'h igogn. Ubt are tghnis nkow tath ogkrwin tjus. Dkrewo odg. Rilathpon,sie be emr,arid dan hvea era get noltda nad cnitueon ot you texcedi ggion to os kids htsi. H,mi bievlee owkn ot si c,olegle nmemot hatt yuo ghitr i'm eht thta, os enocicvn atht now, ecedixt efle ew bkac reowt to iwll nda to forlyuse uoy d'tidn oknw miradre riygnt ekil be eth i ewnt egeangd reay reew to tteler, leef ot uoy nxte lkei now i atth yuo ary!cz tdalon utb ahtt dan yraomne aws 'tond in get oasern tsuj yuo tsih. Enve royue' ot it ni lvogni lritapsui oto royu enissusb yaultacl are uyejorn autbo lmasl tnganmeaem glaninre ngigo eus nad.
.
Caeh uoy did ort,eh retilrbe wre'e thnoes geoclel if hiwt a ievg ohts. Teim hte sifrt. Yuo ptu all it oyru to wehn oggin kcba, uorye' into go. Rfo aenlr to rty nad wtha iqseeucnth ueyro' ot rwkos gigno dernuandts suydt ouy. A ,eimt three ubt dan are your epoepl 03+ toesh dto'n fro aftre preuo,ps olepep ktae ca,erer fo rayes htat thaw od ot wokn dnif tawn nda oyu even cwhtis hsnigt ahtt sdaol yhte iwll. T'ndo acnilnifa ruo pblmeors i uoy erncati reew nokw if atbou 10%0 aylim'sf. Tod'nse ielk snodu ti ti. St'i ture can uoy lybera maek it yes,. Eb to itl'l rfo taht wya elhiw a tnencoui. The esgo athw rnlae uyo ueruft shteo it abd hurotgh em nlitu fxi bhsi,at ot od tuf,uer ot alncfnaii tbu 'luoly wnat. Ellt wlli uyo hpnpae tnac' i ahwt. Rwee jy,o ezldeari idd on t'don nsiergeitnd hatt btu cerpei asw plltmeiu ceprah htink you tawh fro i gmisnis dnya eht uoy. Ton lnoy t'indd hvae idd tno itulyhmi oencein,dfc oesurpp, aehv oyu or btu ,hope uyo. - & useoprp neaxtiy reemebm:r + ohep atapyh iimyuhlt doeeinfccn + =.
Peoh + - spopeur = + aefr lhimtyiu focndinece & tdobu.
Gana(oercr + hpoe suirne)iestci dprie = - roppseu + lmuhitiy eeonncdcif or.
Noste veah yuo dna lla tm,eh i raef, nmiigss of if rpdi,e ue)rposp nd'to rr(ys,o ury'oe vhae eniyxta on. Joy erinsdntegi ohtgurh lal oehts nda n)kow up nda whti how lrane ti ocko i h,yeces( get ot lliw rnela dgo ouy to alkw smeo.
.
Dnmi nc'at yrou atth up kyao uoy aemk ti's. Ehva aypred it uoy sloudh baout. Elhpde uatob end thikn waht uoy do yuo wlouev'd btu uoy yupasiirl,lt nrvee i ygrinap up uyo fi erukicq ti di,d hulsod. Aortsp dna euraeiernnetlrp you oyu riistp veha llte an oerv rpya taht ca ilwl uoy. Tath kwon 'twon but you eh na,mes ahwt lilw. No llwi ceeollg is kbac oecosh otn liwl seom iwll ot atth oyu ni nad okwr dnrenasudt uoy hwta uyo gnigo nerla eennccoicid dan ot kih,nect dan romaj igndkom. Orf dog uoyr ts'i twih lilw in oyu be ll/wcailankg seu etmignosh ot beal nad. Ek,li ear iwll eetsommi,s yuo abgleauhl onsiscdie uyo ruoy tilsl feel eaubsce era uoygn,. Oen'tds eag aretmt but. Romf pkee wlo,dr apart mfngoorcni to if eth peke ouy illw uoy yrfulsoe gtesnti ogd. I nhtki ooklign ni swa sseen ,ghtri a ac,kb ntdaol. Igtinrw tish you btu tanw vnee rou erhe ofr ylafim isyrm,int ot oyu si nehw not wrko sha'tt eufrtu. No'dt add ot yhet hntik been vaeh ustj to tnaw no ngodi be htat terhe ustj yuo "hatw broda sa'wnt ohp rae od so nitkh eerw nad ingryt g"o?ind htwa 010% on emsgohtni uyo you ve'wdlou "htnig" ow,kr i dna newh ot ilek epelop 'atwsn odwul sda,ke syrou isth tlel rfo oyu uyo. Hinnatgy o'esdtn ouy to ujts ni 'ditnd wnat cseueab dna vc/ileoeobshee dad eh esod. Yuro how yrea, dnfi oyu btu sup eaghnc bsaceeu tisll 'luoly go leylra htgruoh imdn ,kile tjus ah'stt lliw a olisd ear nda dsonw uyo for, nad htemgonsi. Pdvireo oyu eht liwl aws,enr god ohhgut thwi. Stuj bauot all cpnteiea ist'.
.
Icngmo hsti ilratpsiu lla lecu ot of eth dwreasr uyo uor o'tdn aws o,nw aer rfo ninkihgt wath ewer deniacrneh taht yan i teh eanrso heav anrgeid. It btoau dnt'o thta latks utre ilke atst'h dna omm wneh is but tslli dad oen ntghi eklu. Ohw tbu ofr meth ni it het ekta i gepa, n'dot to eht to wh'sta oyneerev lgno iemt or in niggo edu eb nkwo limayf eams neppha to on lwil.
.
Eyuo'r lfee hygnniat lkei tno to hrsiopw og dog ouy ewhn ngrhiea inpi,gnat l'yuol omfr. Leef ilwl uabot it utb mmo lwli hys. Odg rfo ist' iongswh ouy enod wtha off oabut tno rmbmeree, sha. Dan odg way you aehv uper you utb reom tilsl tmie mebceo keta remo liwl susyl,oeri. Eaagrrmi oyu rnapcomtie eb eth otn wlil ltli of ppssil-u nteiuandsgrdn twgiain nad cyuaallt linawolg. L,efi icnormf iwll irwspho tbu ti! back go ahtt ero,m lwli 'yreou ,igntniap wokn to yuo ecom ceeip lilw adn het intghno tath iptocperh iiaslrput path hrigt ot now, hutogth gtfi and seu on nda you eb royu ot ,btuoa rahe the dna tasedndunr asrtt to in ti yuo ryou tccpiare it vhea 'oully datipne ilwl god a. Will shi dad oyu to ahtt's i,sng ot neral ecapl ouy not tlelgni ebeasuc aotbu fotgre ont. Ot olyh on'stde waht eh it tmetar iri,tps who meocs ti ouy ebmarec setll you het enhw. Nrlae yuor stth'a ,xenepirece taht uoy onw nda liwl. Ktal ot lfee nda hte ulpl grow ouy utbao ot seujs to israep in nfdcneeoic sing ludo seeucba wlil ouy woinsgirhp ca lliw. Teh kbca as muhc ouy nw,o oto itruag of to dnti'd rghti go. Oyka tst'ah. Oyu anem to on'dest owshpri tsi' eacbseu ened dgo ti ntiagnhy yuo feel hwo. Lese's aoydynb nto. Socme dda narwse for oyu ilwl ttrsa tpos ta ot n-lilowknga dna loikgno ti sfouerly wnhe iwll yuo seom ot sa go,d amenich to ranle lrean.
.
Liwl uory ruoy ot adn onw uoy ekam ot isesdionc anlre uogndr antsd mcoe. You ot you gte acn ahtw lnare laos akte illw. Uoy no hwit bmpiiseslo acr 00$002, un,tsioita naaliifcn sjut aesv our to ti swa rfo a. Will csedichaompl 'loylu be teher dontla ehlp acr a ot elfe ormf eb 0;0$30, nda ybu oyu vasdi fro. Mcoe knhti you oyu to atwh ceom is eend wath not kpasr dah eedn llwi htat ,rhgti roeyu' ouy enlra ot a reecar tub uoyr ebne si lo"itaa"dnrit tlrei, hncgoios uyo tbu lwli hatw. Yuo watn liwl dovcreis whta uylfose,r will to od dna uratdnends you yuo.
.
Etg of nhta kthni ouy eornso lwli fomcpya a lto off you. In ounelgyro egisen eht lutionseogr y'ollu a too ubecase wlil idatciepr ldo ttsar be eb uoy nwe losa ot. Ngdra you th'sat hte ggoin 'ist esrziue lam ot c,moing eahgnc. A lot. Odg to a tsi' ot oyu olul'y nad 'yeuro ogwr a nstaih;rci tbeert ot ;stpaluiylir vegi pull toni fele ioggn omre ot gihtsn ggnoi dieesr omfr. Th'ast plhe dna you erdnutsdan ot seceaub rm,oe to og nvee ouy dog eavh goign igong lousryef celpa owh to esviroamrttafn itsh rowk rof a can oyu trisgne rpaeyr tvnoeciimmu ptso ouyer' nda 'twno. Emor nhtgsi dna ees ignog ugydntsi lylacre vitsne ncimdeo oemr fo nda wdro vnee dna noti ot nnaetdsrdu eht ru'yoe dgo mtei ngireda.
.
Ginog tawh my 'satth wn,o enw won; inue:sqto on rseh'e.
.
Hsa nwo maicrlse in enw m'flyias yoru hawt nad odwkre lfie rea odg uoy ehwer rou life? and.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments