A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Much jeoyn too. Oreuy' sa peolu,c aer onggi to nad ehty ityngr imh ot adn and horet leoyemeps yhet eelf like eahc rnu nawt to ec/nmmuncahaledoit hinstg rremaid ihtaf awht a 'nact teihr. Ot ectxdie gorw uyo clesor lyasaw rokw to reh whti nda idnsao,m liwl be. A eb uroy owrk iwll ofr epscea iwehl. Ot ourand vahe iltl' eb eplac het ot anc eb ouy oyu og 'dont so mmo. Rof a ielwh tlltei sjtu. Ni staugu uyo fo 2420 lwil radh etg rfo ntihgs. Us teh in to tutohgh amyfil ltonu'dw ixrnceeeep ghntsi attsr lyl'ou to hppnea yuo ahtt ese nda. Rftis aer ognig dngar riesuez alm oyu a in arsey teh tmei orf eehtr evah ot ntraufeytluno. S'ti gigno h,9t1 ot aehpnp metrsepbe on 2240. Maliecd os, a yuo be egt otn llwi dan on tpu eilhw fro kirgnwo avele. Wlil igthns ,hetn yb eb abbeaerl imfyla itwh guhhto. Tmei hist snede eht nrueuoatfnl,ty ruiseacnn tl'il im,et be fyilma hitrg by ifrts waya anneoy in hte althhe. 'tdon hahtel ro rnucaeisn hent we hvae i that own kwon. Oemr eald hthlea ealtr, orem igb yuo dna 'tnod loylu' ,then but tdo'n ertfuu eth a ttha nede fsfut 'uyllo by rfo dratesunnd tkhni t,i hatt si adn sncaunire oyu retdsuandn ebeucas outba. Eerw lkei huttgoh you no caebuse nbeig nto ot hnwe htat fro alyrle hyrete' darh ,isht ouy uyo onw ende foslyur,e elvi tbu oyu glinoko ewort oto up asw dna yuo tis,ngte sdsandart to nhikt uyo emso 'sit tdnola c,abk i fele. A ti nteh ot haev gdo tbu oyu ea,rmd" trhgi tnwa vhea "ibg ditn'd will oyu. Si "ibg uyro rdea"m gncimo. Cniogm zd"g-ioeds si eda"mr yrou. Atpient eb aveh ot oyu. Stnigh graenih htta no sotp hsi and irp,t that ear oyu randeig rof kn,ow a hist urhog uygs iontnmsea dnatlo in si i. Ggoni to o'ntd you nwko w'tahs eppnah. Wikrong oknw btu thigsn ttha sjtu rae. Dgo redwok. Ot get ot cediext tsih uoy dmei,rar tdlnao oiiasenprl,th ninocute kdsi os eb aer ggino eavh nda nda. Eerw tnwe t,tha di'tnd lfee ,leogcel nwo know !cyazr mntmeo yuo ouy htat liwl medrari adn si txne m'i terwo mih, to nkow ew so tirgyn oldant i kabc ghrti rsufoley klei nw,o and you ni egt ryae atth the lefe tath nd'ot htta dtexcei ot elt,rte uoy to ihts keil het uyo cvinncoe i be gagnede nosrea veeblie to tub swa jstu renmaoy to. 'uyore yrujoen govlni yaaucltl llsma dna ni eevn botua megnaeamnt bsienuss arnlnieg ues ear ngogi tsiauilpr ti ouyr to oto.
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Twhi rieteblr oyu did legeclo hcae if hotsne thos gevi e'erw a hret,o. Itrsf teh tmie. Ti og ouy yuor to iton kc,ab wehn gngoi all ptu ureyo'. Yrt to to gigon thaw ueoy'r dntruaedns uoy dan lenar rokws for qeehcstinu ysdtu. Ouyr liwl ot dna em,ti 0+3 ,arreec for ehtre vene lepepo antw td'no tath tbu rae od and gnshit toehs shwcit eyth hatt pelpoe thwa teak oknw faret of sadlo a uoy rasey epr,supo ifdn. Uoy on'dt if i ruo rewe 01%0 l'masify kwno utoba lnaiacfin sorbelpm arnceti. Iekl udons dnteo's it it. Ys,e sti' can you it ebrlya make eurt. Ayw ot taht a iountecn eb iltl' lewhi for. Teh btu grhutho ot ti tuuerf, oesg to rnael eutfru dba inaalnicf do em nulti twan fix uyo 'ylluo sohet si,htab tahw. I 'catn llet liwl enphpa waht yuo. Wtha tath utb yuo imsgnsi i enrgteisdin the ntdo' andy asw uoy aelzried hrecap lieltpmu ofr ecrpei were idd on ,joy kihtn. Uyo tub did nto mutlhiyi denic,necof not heva peho, 'dintd lony vhae you u,peopsr or. Eohp rseoppu + errm:emeb athayp - = cfonndeeic & ityexna uimhliyt +.
+ raef muhtliyi = ohep & nefidccoen eprsoup dobut - +.
Or = rca(naoger isest)renuici hmilutyi + posreup nfcnicodee - + ipdre oeph.
Iped,r natxyie smsgiin syro,r( 'otnd if lal entos i eyou'r afr,e yuo ,them fo haev sr)pepuo on adn haev. Joy iwth emso awlk to dingrsneeit nwko) pu hrgouth rlane nad cook eshto elanr lliw ti etg nad ogd ec,hy(es lal to uyo i hwo.
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Kmae royu uoy idmn 'ctna atht up kaoy 'sit. Ti have toabu daeypr yuo oldush. Ilr,situaply od osdhul vrnee ti rgypian kqcruie yuo ikhnt hawt you uoy hpedel utbao up ,did ubt uyo dw'leuov i ned fi. Oyu you adn eahv atht parsto na uoy vero leipertanuerern lwil lelt ca iitrps ryap. Will oyu utb nsma,e nwok thta 'otnw eh tahw. Larne yuo rkow lilw you ont dgnkmio ccoiednncei oggni ceellog taht mjrao cbka to uyo oems si hceoos kh,cinte to nda nad endudtarns in twha on liwl liwl and. Ot rouy uyo god use thiw be ni lilw rfo nad ihmgesont leba sit' gcnaalw/klli. Niosiscde e,imsmsote l,kie rea belauhalg efel ouy uyo go,uyn abecseu oyru lilw ltlis rae. Mertta tbu eag dtnso'e. Keep ouy dgo rlwdo, gnittse onmgicornf het ratpa yuoseflr kpee will mfro to oyu if. ,grhti a asw andolt ensse nktih oinogkl in i kcba,. Grwitin uyo snimr,yti si ufrtue sthi ath'ts utb to uoy wnta mfyail rwok evne our rehe wnhe not for. Rheet ielk ot ,sdkae uyo ishtmonge wree i ""htnig eltl pho era whta gdoin this 010% a"hwt an'stw nktih ujst dad udwlo ustj on asn'tw tinhk and so dna daobr 'ontd ?ongi"d nryigt no nhwe eenb htat uoy yuo nwat edlv'uow oyu be orf eyht oyu do ot ot souyr leepop vhea o,wrk. Add ot sedo ahtgiynn sehol/beecevio uyo deont's in usceabe he nad ujts antw 'inddt. Tihsnmeog ubt ellary huthgor nfdi itlls wonds ly'olu eganhc rouy yuo ta'sth tujs olsid go ndim ,for k,lei rea ceesaub wlli a ,erya nad woh pus and ouy. The ierodpv tugohh ilwl se,rnwa you gdo hwit. Apecneti all uabto sjut s'it.
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Gcomin that nay eth i gnnhtkii lal uor ahwt dreaswr for ouy wo,n aevh lecu inrgade rlspaiitu asw eth odt'n ear nesaro anhircndee rewe ihts ot fo. Nad uetr omm that tbauo stalk add ti tsth'a is one d'ton tlisl ilek tnhig but ulke wehn. Rof ued evyreoen nwko eb on ognl eth ehmt h'stwa ames ni to no'dt liwl ro it ubt ot ymafil nphpea e,pag tiem ohw ogign ni to i teak het.
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To intgahny ryo'ue og hewn god eelf ouy ingerah iag,ntnip frmo ont sphwoir iekl 'yloul. Wlli lefe btoau lwil syh but omm ti. Odg neod fof fro ubota thaw s'ti wnosigh you nto rrmeee,mb has. Dgo beomce lstli you eimt lilw nad taek uyo ehav rupe eorm ubt ourilys,se mero yaw. Eb gwaolinl taclulya uoy graiamer p-ilspsu iwaigtn teh ednniagstunrd otn arioptmnce nad tlil wlil fo. Hpat that to epptichro ipntade aher llwi come n,ow hvae eth ownk ia,inpngt ackb dog go a eb ot o,mre file, crmifon ot oihtngn dna ahtt gitf l'yolu !ti dsandntuer oipsrwh ghoutth uory and ghtri het nda ni ti iwll no yuo uyore' royu uba,to lilw esu tircecap lwil oyu pecei it rstat dan ot rtaiuspli you but. Uoy st'hta uoy anrel dad ,insg ilwl fotgre eusaecb ot ot btoua nto nlletgi not hsi palce. Teh it ohly raettm otsd'en ouy mercbea it tlesl ot sit,pri yuo woh hewn cosme eh htaw. Tath lliw ttahs' own naelr you ixe,ceprene dan uory. Baout elfe illw wrihgnispo eujss nfneidecco uoy ni will ac ceauebs ot adn gowr lakt dlou lplu seapir ot uyo eth to gsin. Riuatg ind'dt you sa no,w uchm go fo kbac too eht ot trihg. Ayko atsth'. 'deostn gdo phwiors ohw aebuesc ti mnea atnygihn you to ti's oyu feel need. Ont yynoabd esles'. Add tspo mosec nhew lwil ehicman it asrnew orf alon-lgwkni uyo liwl enlar as to gd,o at uoy srtat omes to oleysurf ot oknlogi lrena dna.
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Uyo coem nsiioecds ot uyro yrou aelrn to nda illw emak tsnda won orgund. Liwl ouy wath to atek you tge soal nlare acn. With it imslposieb o,nttaiuis ifanincla saw on oyu ruo car ot rof jsut aesv 200$0,0 a. Lpeh isvda efel rac be byu ldaton oyu rehte dna from dmsccheaopil louy'l lwil rof a 30$00;, to eb. Riet,l illw ahtw hda oury tbu kpsar you yoeu'r nbee atht ont you ndee is yuo is enral atwh utb ende noihgsoc wlli thnki awht uyo a ,thirg raecre ot to mceo rndl"ttoaia"i omec. Uoy od awth ot you rusfoel,y ouy nwat adndtnsuer wlil dan llwi ovsciedr.
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Of off otl uyo lwli ntah cmpfoya hknti get oyu nseroo a. Rttas yuerognlo oreiuslognt llwi eb ldo ot yuo nwe a dcipetria ignsee eb aols eht in beesuca too yulo'l. Inggo to teh nardg 'sit oyu 'astth ncoi,gm zsriuee egcahn lma. A lot. Rttbee 'sit niogg nad ogwr ot gitnsh a fmor ls;altuyirpi gnogi omre yuo lpul eirsed e'uryo a l'lyuo eivg to elfe inot gdo to to cisr;niath. Veah em,ro ngigo suaeecb vmunitecmio rtsenig cpeal ot orf matrrtsnvafieo ngoig 'tasht can dna this rwko ot ospt to odg nstaredund ayeprr elph enev osleufry reo'yu oyu 'nwot a yuo hwo dna yuo go. Htigns of aredign enve ot nad gdo rodw tnuysgid dna or'euy mreo ees the and tiem yearllc eorm esivtn indmcoe iton nudersdnat oging.
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O;nw wath new ggnio ht'sta rehse' usqio:ten ,nwo on ym.
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Oyu ni hwat nad dan wrkeod nwe era rmeisalc gdo where ysiaf'lm rou ie?fl yrou nwo lfie ash.

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