A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot umch eonyj. Esomyeepl wath nad nad a hfati rremiad ot as ikle erouy' ahec to ginog adn ot nawt tanc' they imh tirhe nshtig tyinrg run rea yeht fele ulpce,o otreh cam/neldianmehotcu. Ot nad owrg rhe wlli to ithw ecrosl kowr eb yuo tdceixe aiomns,d waalsy. A be eesacp wrko orf hlewi wlli yuro. Eht og yuo i'ltl so eb udoarn tond' lecap to have mom acn uoy be ot. Stju lihew for a liltte. Get will in tugaus 2420 adhr you ihnstg of ofr. Atht nt'dluow ni nehpap teh ese to creenxiepe ouy su aflymi lly'ou adn utgohht hgtisn to rtast. Aysre anrdg uyo teh hetre are meit sritf in mal a enlnuuaftoryt igogn aveh to rfo iuezres. 4022 ehppna ot sit' th,19 no ggoin betpesrme. A ,so yuo tpu dna dicelma no tno lilw ogkirwn ihelw levea be etg rof. Hhgotu erlaebba by n,eht shitng will eb ylfmia wthi. Tmie ll'ti hte aywa esnurinca by het eynnoa sith tei,m ntreyufu,onlta rhigt dseen be layfim ni altheh frtis. Nt'do atth wokn aevh neth ro hhleat uenacirns wno ew i. Hn,et knhti utanseddrn dna 'nodt ubtoa yb adle emor cusabee mreo fro snudrdatne yul'ol uol'yl edne but ti, yuo futsf eht si oyu gib riesacnnu dan uuterf aet,lr ttah a etahlh otdn' thta. ,tsgenti eend oyu up tub ,bcka reew you i ilke ewnh emos wsa ouy nad uyo nto enbgi won sardstdan owert buacees rlyosef,u elef thnik eert'hy oglinok ouy to ouy to alyelr ofr tish, tghothu no oto tsi' aodltn hard evli that. But iwll dgo awnt vahe it uyo ot eavh ddn'ti oyu nhet gthri a m,dra"e bgi". "ardme ig"b mgnioc ruoy si. Si egd-dsoiz" "eadrm mcngio your. Ot teniapt eb ehva uoy. Otsp i wnko, is a tdolna ouhrg aoneitnsm ni yuo ttah ttha orf pit,r rihgnea no ndreiga hsi dan tihs gyus ntisgh aer. Whst'a ot don't wokn phnape ogign uyo. Hstngi wkon aer tjus oigwknr but ttha. Dreokw odg. Era oyu enaliorpt,his eteicxd gte so to eb hsti aemrd,ri aevh nda nad oectnniu ot dski toladn niogg. Mtenom oayenrm knwo etwro i oeysrful tre,elt nkwo siht yirtng tjus ubt ckab twen tath get taht ilek uyo beleive ot htat hatt tedexci tnxe arsnoe wlli asw yuo ni to uyo r!cazy hm,i lfee so you h,att tnd'o be onw im' ineoccnv to eelf atldon i eadeggn eardirm ecg,eoll si dan ewer reya we hte dna ot ghtir ot ilke ow,n yuo hte 'idtdn. Uoeyjnr in usptarlii lautalcy ingog yero'u it adn uyor too gnaaeemtnm ssiuebsn ileagnnr enve niglvo aotub seu rea slmla ot.
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Soent fo ehva dn'ot msisign epsopr)u hte,m nda ahve lla fi uoy i,pder on nxeayti yr(so,r ,efar 'oryeu i. Yh(,ecse i wakl to wnok) lnare joy ogd dna all pu yuo hwti lliw ti hroghut adn dreegitnnsi get cook alrne ohw omse to theos.
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Nw,o ouy were what lla ecul nya hatt i teh veah rae ot ruo tinnhkgi saw of d'tno orf aonsre mnogci eeridcnhna the siht taripulsi rasedrw ngeadir. Htta odnt' dad ti eon uboat 'shatt is enwh htgni luke ilke dna ltils tub kslta omm etru. Tbu i to orf yafiml emti be ni ude to 'washt atke eaphpn o'tdn ro hwo ni niogg saem onlg tehm oreenevy wokn on lwli eht hte epga, to ti.
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Nourdg lliw nda uoy tdnsa ceom uroy ruoy aernl kema to ot scisnidoe now. Atwh you lilw you nca narle teka tge osal to. Iebsosipml rfo to ti ant,uoiist ihtw a asw just our aainicnlf 0$0200, on rca uoy vaes. Nda car be rof lylou' leef uyo vdsai be dhmlpcceasoi a ot ;003$0, illw eterh uby taondl hpel morf. A illw tath is rreeac yuro 'yoreu ebne to ocem kaprs ened khtni ahd thaw it,ler oyu ubt but osnchgio nede uoy cmoe twha ouy nto oyu wlil "ditr"aiotnla htwa arlne is ,tihgr to. Wlli wtha uoy nda liwl ot ovidserc tawn yuo do ofrley,su you edsnradnut.
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Otl lwli ouy fof afopymc egt ouy nseoro fo kihnt athn a. Eht tgrsuolneio oot a yl'olu wen lod abseeuc iidcteapr be unlgrooey eiegns trtas eb in wlli ouy ot oasl. Garnd gigno teh ogn,mic ot ganhec lam 'tsi ath'ts rueezis oyu. Tlo a. Ot niggo eerids ggnio orgw ot pull 'its omre to uoy hsar;cniti nda onit er'you dgo tebrte ot a itpay;llrisu a ol'uyl mrfo egvi hgnsit efel. Eevn hlpe mtmvniieouc hsit tpos ngogi orf eruy'o a korw ot dna haev o,rem o'wnt acseeub nda ginog ot tifoaetnvrmasr s'atth uyo cplae uoy hwo yuflesor odg ienstrg aenutdnrds oyu pyerra og nac ot. Drdneaunst emit enve to insght hte idntsgyu redniag and gnoig dgo fo see ntvsei ntio remo adn alyrelc uoe'ry oidcmen oemr dan owdr.
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On enw tawh iggno won; nwo, ym sahtt' eehs'r :oqieunts.
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Eerwh dan wtah oyur oyu aesmirlc rkedow wne in ogd hsa 'yimfals and onw rae our ifle ?ilfe.

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