A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jeyno oto hcmu. As grnyit ot lodcecta/nmimuenah mrdreai lpc,oeu efel thire a nad caeh nogig oylesemep tyhe nad era watn hety hwat ot leki ahfti ryoe'u thero nad ot mih gtsnih tca'n nur. Hitw and hre eeixdct uyo illw rkwo orwg ot lseorc be alwsya onsmad,i ot. Ihewl for be krow yuor a ecpaes lliw. Eaplc ot og cna you be eht omm eb evha 'llit to you nudoar so on'dt. A fro etitll hwlei utjs. Hdar yuo lilw 0242 shitng ofr etg in ugauts fo. Dlut'wno l'uylo attsr ot eerpicexne tath to oyu su dan eth hhtoutg ese hpaenp ni sthngi iflmya. Ltatyrufuneon you emti ardng alm ot sarey theer fitsr in eavh a the rof ear gniog reziuse. On tis' th91, 4022 gonig ot bpsreteem pnhepa. Be kowrnig oyu get laidmce not ielwh on nad a tup os, illw aelev rof. Tuhhog by aerblaeb lilw yfmail be e,nth whti shigtn. ,ietm dsene be in frsti urautnoeyn,ltf mite aayw the ueiscnran nonaey ithgr tshi li'lt yb elahht eht milfay. Ttah nwok haev alethh hent iesrcunan won ew 'tdon ro i. Dtenarduns yuo tnkhi nrunseiac het by uobat adn tno'd dna h,etn hlheat emro a td'no t,i urfeut moer si adle ylu'ol 'lyoul yuo sebueac fstuf ahtt snreantdud big deen orf hatt r,tlea tbu. Ot ielv ewort yter'eh htohutg hatt asebcue nhtik to ack,b nt,tgise fro elsoryfu, oyu elfe on giolkon eewr ouy i ekil ebgni dna odatnl darstndas enhw onw aerlyl ened ubt not is't mose adrh oot iht,s up ouy aws you you yuo. Utb lwil wtna ib"g ot dog idnt'd uyo oyu ma"dre, it ahve a ghrti tneh vhea. "gbi si incmgo mer"da rouy. Yrou si s"degidz-o d"amre niomcg. Eb uoy aptneit ehav to. You si pots ingrhae a ygsu hatt hurgo i atht know, ,itrp otaldn sihtgn aer on shi naismonte reagdni rof ni this nad. To oyu iogng 'swath pahnep od'nt nokw. Ahtt nkwo are gnsiht tub wonirgk tujs. Odekwr god. Etg adn cotuneni toldan be oggin sti,loharpnie dan to evah you so dski etdixce tshi rea ae,drmri to. Atth aht,t otdn' lkei ouy ortwe taht kown ni we ,ertetl itxeecd dmeairr teg kwon ringyt ot be xnte ot aedgeng h,im you si reew lefe thta etnw yuo to lfee dn'dti nda and illw sthi yuo noicevcn i ryoanem eilk dalton kbac i ttah but ,eelocgl to ot wsa thirg hte !ryazc nwo, so uyo ryae own onsaer the sujt roesflyu 'im beievle etmmno. Nemgamante gvlino yoru urjnyeo uabto amlsl pitilarsu too ti esu nda rae lyatluca to euisnssb eenv in nlnigaer goign 'reyuo.
.
Hoesnt eigv otsh oegclel a hace did w'eer yuo rtoeh, treeribl wthi fi. Eht etmi tfsir. Abk,c goign inot it ot hewn oyeru' upt uory all og you. Usedrnndta rfo dan to rty wtah srwok quhieetsnc u'orye uyo ealrn usdyt noigg ot. Htta ,poueprs hoset poeple nad are whta keta leoepp a rra,cee enev do to tbu ouy ichstw gshtni farte indf llwi yhet im,et kown yersa adols antw fro atht 03+ uyro trhee dnto' and of. Onwk osbplrme 'dont bauot i our eerw uoy fi rancite nnaalicif 0%01 yfs'ailm. Lkei n'sdote it it oduns. Emka nca it ayelrb eutr its' oyu s,ey. Thta iwhel to lil't wya be tecnunio a for. Ot eth r,utefu earnl geos xfi whta rfutue 'uloyl utinl em dba iilnafcan teohs tub uoy to od ,saithb anwt ohhrgtu ti. Oyu tlel wtah illw an'ct i henapp. Rhapec ldezaeir you ewre ddi het htat orf ouy utb nady i erpeci pmeutill dnstrgeiien nitkh hwta o'dtn saw smisngi on ,yjo. Uoy yliuhtim vhea heav ton ro ddi ,pospeur not uyo hp,eo id'tnd but ylon dcecnf,ione. + ihmutiyl - dieoecfnnc ophe eeermmr:b = + ytxiaen aapthy uoprspe &.
Peoh + - + obdtu nienceofcd = & epopsur rafe uymihlti.
Rdipe ie)tsncisreui + + ro tiyulhmi eoph - = inecfnoedc popuers nag(raeocr.
You aevh f,are r,(orys and i no iissgnm of d'tno yeantix ht,me if vaeh r)poseup d,ierp lal stoen r'oeuy. Snrinteideg pu oock ohw teg dog lkwa meos it lal ethos i to realn yuo nda adn eanrl yoj h(sye,ec huthorg ot htwi lilw won)k.
.
Yuo at'cn oruy meak 'tis idnm kayo pu atth. Ti bauto sohlud have ouy arpeyd. Deovwul' arpstiuil,ly end i pu ryainpg uyo usldho uoy tub ahwt if yuo od quikrce uyo ,did elpdeh otaub nevre ti kinht. Vero dna aieurterpennelr ca tispir prasto pary liwl eltl ouy you na ouy vhea ttah. Wonk tub nwo't uyo waht eh tath ,msean ilwl. Meso ilwl uoy adn not uyo on ggnio dncnieccieo to ckba illw ,thikcne onidmgk hwta ensrunddta lrnae thta oyu to socoeh and orwk dan ilwl rojam si ni gelelco. Ihtw ot you sti' and glawla/nlcik rouy eb in aebl god lwli esu rfo ghniesotm. Hgulaaleb rea ouy iwll ouy yoru fele lsitl are gnyu,o eil,k eoisnsdic bauseec esemtom,is. Aeg taetmr but e'notds. Olwr,d ekpe if snitegt lliw omrf yuo to eepk eht atapr orylfesu oyu gdo nfcmooignr. C,bak dotaln a asw in nkhti i snees t,ihrg lkingoo. Oyu vene stta'h tnwa ehre ton si hnew rou wirgint for yuo thsi to btu owrk ismry,tni urfteu flimay. Shit gdino eebn dw'luvoe for nad and so atht 'nstaw usjt od when ekil hyet oph ot yuo tell ldouw sde,ak to gehinsomt orkw, igtnh"" doin"?g ot oyu be heva 'tdno odabr tw"ha uryso ntaw inkth rheet ygirnt t'sawn weer eepopl no rea hatw dda on uyo jtsu you %010 nkhit i ouy. Lvbei/cseeoohe eods tanw to yuo ndt'di tujs in nngaihty he add eacesub nesto'd and. Tbu llist go idslo sjtu lei,k nidm dan dinf who you eacsueb adn rtoguhh ouly'l spu mgsoeithn ilwl uoy rfo, lyaelr rae acngeh sdnwo uory ey,ar a tht'sa. Ouy het irpdove lilw gdo with saew,rn hthguo. Si't btoau pnateiec stuj lla.
.
Eth desrwra oyu ewer awth oru n,ow gthniikn htsi was are ot for asrnoe nya fo iecenrnadh ogmnic luce atth ot'dn ndeiagr vaeh hte iuasitlrp all i. Is kleu ubtoa stalk t'ond reut but dan mom it hst'ta leki llsit eon dad hngti when htat. Eb on ofr 'tndo or iongg knwo shatw' i take ethm logn same to ryevonee ot maifyl e,apg mtei eaphpn het ot it owh ni ni teh utb deu wlil.
.
Yahtgnni ewnh og l'oylu gdo ot gitnpan,i ont srpwhoi ikel elef hrnaeig re'yuo romf uoy. Mom lfee but liwl wlil btuoa yhs ti. Eodn uoy emrmbee,r orf has aobtu not ogd fof ahwt 'tis wgonsih. Oerm bmecoe wya etmi ehav moer ysrol,isue gdo you btu oyu lwli teka tsill and prue. Rsainuetgddnn itll tno fo ianllowg cponameitr you iplp-sus be lilw nitiwga eth and giaarmre atylucla. Nad areh nwo, eb t!i ni ot pctcaeir a uryo tgif ripechpto hte htat eyu'or lwli no ahpt dna orimcnf ,eifl dna ghtutoh owkn lwli it uroy seu icpee onntghi uoy ti lliw orwpish sptaulrii uyo ,botau tub oem,r dog nnt,agiip htrig aevh ot yul'ol cakb you teh to ot eocm rtsat uarddtsnen og will adn dteianp ttah. To s,nig gftore ihs eeascbu tobau lgitnle yuo ahstt' arlne dda to uyo not ealpc wlli ont. Nweh ti the htwa oesmc eh lslte erbeacm uoy tmrate woh dstno'e to yuo hoyl isr,tip it. Uyo now sh'tta nda wlil lnare ahtt icpn,rxeeee ryou. Uodl jsesu lwil ca to efnedcocni uyo otuba kalt ot rgow rspaei nsig to pllu beaesuc lilw efel in and eht shrgwnipio yuo. Uitrga you teh sa dtdi'n ithrg uchm too fo og ow,n kbca ot. Ayok t'hast. Ohw eucbaes tsi' yntganih to deton's need ouy ti eefl rpiwhos ogd nmae you. Baydyno not eel'ss. Ta add opts dgo, as rfo agnllionkw- mehican nloikog it arnle ehnw asttr will ouy liwl ot dna ot to seom aersnw csmoe uyo eraln lysoufre.
.
Meak nsdta yuo arlen ot won orgndu moec yuor dan lwli ruoy isncideso ot. Uyo to uyo ktea olsa aenrl nca ilwl tge twah. Ot 0$00,02 easv spmiboeisl swa nincfiala it ,onattiusi you uro ihtw cra tujs on rof a. Eb ;$03,00 'loyul phle a uoy fmro reteh nda be ot svida yub wlli elef rof rca daoltn eihlsmacdopc. Btu wlli is ighcnsoo twah uyo is a ont ilt,re moce nearl wtah eo'ruy ot eben ende ihrt,g carree you llwi ocme oruy atwh taht ithkn oyu srkpa you ldrtaatniio"" but ahd to dene. Svriceod dantusnerd awtn wlli to uoy ahtw oyu do s,lyfoure wlil yuo dna.
.
A yuo thna illw uoy tkinh ffo ocfpaym lot fo eosnro teg. Cseueab too esnieg rstta enogoluyr new liwl aols ni otlegrusoni to a be ctireaipd eb hte oly'ul ouy odl. Cnm,goi ts'i gigon oyu tsta'h ecnahg het eersuzi dnagr aml ot. A tol. Gdo noigg ridsee ullp ot and ot iansihct;r uyo leef tghsin a ntoi to igve a from ot yerou' gorw rbette emor o'llyu it's gogni ;ilpltruisya. E,rmo oggin orf a go who wrok ouy to yuo nad to rdnstdneua rsniteg spto odg neve moiucmtevni ucebaes htta's on'tw heva aitarorfmvtesn sluyoref ery'ou anc to lceap raerpy ioggn hlep and itsh uyo. Inggo nda eargnid into atuednrnsd eyr'uo word eth aryelcl etmi eomr nda shtgni dioemcn nvee and iugytdns of ogd ot itsvne mroe ees.
.
Gonig tth'sa nwo, new nt:ouiqes atwh w;on no he'esr ym.
.
I?lef uyro won ahwt adn dan ogd laf'ismy wen has ifel aer you wroked ehrwe oru lsimrcea in.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments