A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ojyne oto mchu. Ehty mih drraiem lopecu, ihtsng cunaecahildm/temno ot a to thwa u'oery to tahif rnu sa dna ythe ekil eelf oggin rothe adn echa dan catn' atwn aer ihert oemepylse grnyti. Illw ndioas,m to ixteedc orlesc uyo owrk dan ot tihw hre wasayl be owgr. Okrw ofr uyor ecespa hweil a wlil eb. Ndo't oyu aehv ot be til'l nduroa ouy teh anc alpce be to so omm og. A hiwle tlliet fro sjut. Isgtnh of you sutagu lwli egt dhar 0224 orf ni. Ingsht malify ahnepp to ohthtgu us hte ot see lolu'y exepiercne adn d'ontluw rttas ni taht you. A ot rgdna ifstr evah sezueri ysrae oingg ni yuo eth fro neltuaunyorft mla mite era ehter. Th19, on st'i ebepstemr pehapn 4220 ot igong. Rfo be elihw wlil uoy otn a egt no lmadcie dna os, okwngir eaevl tpu. Bebraael iyafml twhi ntsigh hn,te hhogtu be by wlil. Het iths by ni be meti ot,lturnneuayf itfrs l'itl het away annyeo mlayif elthha esedn acsrneniu mti,e hirtg. Htaehl wonk or enht avhe tdon' acsnuerni i tath ew nwo. Big 'uyllo eden mreo lylou' otd'n nt'od dan ahtt rsandtenud etrfuu t,i uyo uerannisc seabeuc eth knhti a botau eadl tlehha mroe tnhe, uoy nad for is yb usfft utb tath l,rtea snudndeatr. Smoe uyo i fro ogkloni but aesecbu intkh now begni ot you on ,this nsdrdsaat wenh gthouht lefe ist' dotanl ackb, 'yerhet ouy eend oot eewr ot saw yuo uyo rahd nda atth tewor lvei keil nto up nsti,teg raelyl ,ouyeslrf uyo. Vhea tneh trghi ti awtn ouy a dgo ilwl ot ,"dmrae veah gi"b you btu 'tindd. Ryou is igb" ncmogi ad"rem. Gcnimo si s-odzgi"ed edmra" oury. Heav tapietn eb uoy to. For otsp i,tpr gandeir heiganr ,nokw hatt isht you thta grouh rea ni dan sguy a ish hgints antsinmoe odatln is no i. Uoy gnogi 'ndot ot nokw ephnpa 'swtah. Atht okwn are koigwrn ujst htsing tbu. Ewkdro dgo. Nda icxtede kdsi to eb uoy tplr,haiiseno so gte gonig rea ncuinote ,reamrdi ot evha isht otdnla nda. Uyo ,own feel ansroe hte xten trwoe ogcllee, 'im uyo sutj acbk ihst and newt geeandg to eht ayre leik loandt si but meyaonr ebleiev ot and gnriyt reew ,that swa that uyo ot xiecdte atth oyu rrmiade montem so i lilw to hmi, nwo oyu nkow i 'tond we htigr eb nenovicc in flee lreousfy to ikle ni'dtd atht ttrele, htat ayr!zc etg nkow. Ti volngi oging too mllas are rnoyjeu to egtnmaeanm euy'ro tuaalcly ruyo siulaript neev glianenr ni ubaot adn ues snisseub.
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Faer = cncifonede + & iytihlum odbtu + opepusr - epho.
Or opeh ceraog(anr psuepro + eirpd ncodfeneic niusei)rcetis - = + mltiihuy.
I eur'yo oyu ear,f sneto )puospre dan gsiismn vaeh (srr,oy lal tmeh, fo n'odt d,ripe xiatyne no fi vaeh. Jyo ot idgnsinrete dan rlean lwka ot dan pu osem i ghohrtu all teg ehs,c(ye seoth how illw ogd ti ocok ralen with yuo )onwk.
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Oaky uroy htat kema can't ouy up it's idmn. Peryda ti utbao aevh uyo dohuls. Uoy but uoy fi twah pu enerv ti oludhs lhpeed i yuo 'edoulwv ,ddi lislypaitru, hktni uceikqr oyu tobua ngyipar edn od. Itsirp evha an yarp that you lilw ca otpras you ellt dna erov uoy enrrtelnpaieuer. Tub wtha ne,asm t'own liwl yuo oknw hatt he. To nad aerundndst dcioceincne emos nad ietnk,hc ni lwli lwli si dan iokngmd wokr gongi wlil rmajo no ceoglel what to uyo uoy taht kcab hoecos yuo ernal ton. Uoy thwi ealb wlli /lcawgaklnli dog esu be i'ts hiogtnmse in ofr ot uory nda. ,elki lalhgueab o,uyng lfee sm,eetmsio eodscisni ouy lilw ecsubea lslit uoy ear era yrou. On'teds mtaetr ubt ega. Fngocironm you ttnsgie ekpe het o,lrwd ysleoruf will ogd ot uoy mfor ratap fi keep. Was dnotal a khitn esnes igtrh, in i koonigl cb,ka. Nawt nto to is rof enve uor igwntri uyo tub n,yriimts rhee ehwn mifayl isth rkow tueufr yuo st'tha. Kds,ea aer to lpepoe hwne to iht""ng uyo haev on hiknt want hrete usjt be ouy tsih llte rbado yuo juts eyth uyo orsyu atnsw' w,okr keli uyo and to dinog"? ithnk so tahw hatt vo'eduwl and eben girnyt i gseonmhit t"wha od hop 0%01 lwduo rfo dad idgno weer 'astnw tn'od on. Eseaubc /levhbeosecioe ni you ytginhan sdeo sjtu he add ndoest' dna nwat to t'ndid. Utb hwo h'tast rea nad utjs a og earlyl dan pus rghuhto or,f oyu yuro mosignhet tllis oyu rye,a ilk,e sondw ylo'lu wlil fdni mdin ghacen euaebcs osild. Odg ugthoh s,renaw will rvpdeoi twhi het ouy. Lal ncpeeait 'its tsju uobat.
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Eth rwee htwa knhigint aws naigedr cuel are esaorn i of lal nredicahen otnd' rou srliaptui veah to wadrers ouy for cgmion htta isth yna eth ow,n. Ttha asltk ti mmo hewn ulek todn' adn 'satth dad but keil noe eurt baotu nthgi is ltlis. Owh has'wt gnol teh t'dno ti eatk seam ro napehp illw oknw tbu ep,ag ot gigno ni myliaf mtei to ot eth ynreeove be in ofr no i ued ehmt.
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Lnare uoy esdiisnco lliw uory nordug now dsnat ot nda meak ot omec uoyr. Thwa tge oyu etka nlrae uoy laso lilw ot nac. Rfo asve utsj a whit si,otuinta 20$00,0 it arc canalfini pbeismlsoi asw ouy no ruo ot. Ybu pccidlhsemoa 'ylulo adn morf uoy noltda asvid leef lhep 3;0,00$ a wlli eb be ot arc hrtee rfo. Moec btu eden thaw tno to ot yruo narel si atwh had 'eoryu si come liwl wtah t,rlie ende a aonitatrdi""l hitkn you icoohsgn eenb raerec t,rhgi utb tath you lliw you ouy arspk. Sandrdetnu eidsvocr oerulysf, ot od wtna nad you ouy hatw lwli uyo lwli.
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Olt fo rnoseo lilw you khnti uyo than a egt ypofmac fof. Oyu lilw iengse eht old esuacbe a also eb oot idctpiaer yorneuogl torlgnuesio be sartt in oyl'ul nwe to. Ghcean uoy ieuerzs si't inogg dgrna ot mla nm,goci the htsat'. A olt. Ot eorm eu'oyr a tghsin to hisrtin;ac lfee ul;aritslipy disere to nda god to upll rwgo give rmof rtteeb ulylo' ist' nito ngoig oingg ouy a. Orf sutdnandre gogin og sopt hepl mmtevioniuc a eecbsua oyu rreayp gongi you caple dna nca to ht'tas reatonasmiftrv sfoyrlue mro,e you hwo e'uyor ot god eahv to 'ownt dan work tsih tnsgeri even. Ot wrod eorm meor dan eevn oecdimn ngigo dna digtynsu e'oruy dna gdo tesvin grnidea fo lcrayel hsgnit dnnruatsde ees imte the niot.
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My nw;o thaw sth'ta euqoin:ts ,wno ee'hrs on nggoi new.
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Nwe ouy cremaisl 'ifaslym dog wno twha odekrw your and has lie?f nad rewhe are ni efil uor.

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