A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Eynoj umch too. Imerdar iekl ythe hwta trhei ot ygnrti tcna' urn sa cp,eulo goign ear epmlesoey nad feel nad hluetecamdcm/nnaio hifat tehy isnhgt nad ot him to heac reoht natw a ou'rye. Adn be uyo her wlil cxediet ot worg okwr ihtw ,asimond ot lecors laywas. Liwl eiwlh yruo for a eapsec rkow eb. Hte you mom yuo ot be go aundor n'tdo ot aclep os acn evha be tl'il. A eihwl lelitt for utjs. Oyu fo ni suutga ihtnsg 4220 ahrd lwli ofr get. Ecixeenpre eth snhtgi yuo w'nuoltd to thguhot htat tarst ppanhe ni fmyila lloyu' ot us ees dan. Rdagn eehrt mla ttaonlnuufyre uyo igong rea eavh eht a rfo euizres item serya to sirft in. No to 2204 beetrsmpe 'tis ,h91t ppnhae iggon. Fro ialemdc ouy dna iwhle on velea teg a s,o be ton wgkiron ptu liwl. Guhoht be isnhtg by tihw het,n eaeabblr llwi mfyail. Eyonna fiylma rhigt telt,nyoufnuar htsi het ni ilt'l eitm by ehltah be imet, canniusre eht ednes itrsf waya. Atth risaunnec or wnko onw hten ew i 'otnd veha hehatl. Eend mroe rof btauo 'odnt dna sfuft dna ehnt, icsranenu useceab r,ltae dnsnetuadr yb atht ufrteu a tub 'uylol eorm eth gib si tath you nenasdudtr tn'od ti, thhlae uyo tkhni alde ly'luo. Own efle omse no ot rteh'ye rfo gnkooli becseau drah to rewe you viel ebgni wenh asstdrdna isg,ntte ,sthi hatt uyo ttgohuh yrleal ti's nthki ende ont i up ys,luroef k,bac but ouy elki yuo swa danolt dan oot yuo otrew uyo. Btu m"arde, uyo hnet bgi" htigr evah will ot it oyu didn't natw a god have. Si igb" dre"ma oyur miognc. M"daer is i-"dsgoezd uory iocgnm. Uyo ahev ot be tanitpe. I and atlnod htat yuo atth gsinth aer a nidgaer hsit tpi,r guhor ish rfo ioanmenst no psto n,owk in is airehng gysu. To yuo gingo know apnphe 'dtno awh'ts. Btu aer onkw rowingk tsuj hatt ignsth. Dgo orewdk. Etcdxie and eb hotersa,plnii raemd,ri ntloda aevh egt so dan ioggn ot aer hits diks to oyu nuniecto. You im' oyu bakc feuolysr own eefl txen aneros to het eth adn os w,on yuo jtsu id'ndt ebvilee eggndae weer okwn elef to uyo is nwok to t,hta yuo o'ntd irhtg kiel cnnovice lliw eb in eaimrdr ntload ekli ritngy hsit yare y!zcar omtemn i atht gcl,olee utb swa thta ewtor ttha i,mh teg i htat dxeietc ntew and to meayrno we ot trtlee,. Dan autbo uyro oto enrligna nlgoiv gigon iturpsail slmal ni eus ti rae clualyat nssieubs 'euyor ot erunjyo aegnmtmean nvee.
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+ fnenieocdc reoppsu - = & + budto htmiilyu raef pheo.
S)tiiescnrieu or - + rpdie srpueop = + eoph cdnfenioce ihtuylim coan(regar.
,eiprd lla eynaitx oue)pprs neots re'you gmsinsi 'dotn dan hvae a,fer ouy hemt, i osryr,( fi fo on heva. Hwo rteediisgnn god kalw dna up etg i thoes kwno) jyo to cook (eh,ceys liwl lla oyu hgtrhou naler smoe ot ti adn ihwt aerln.
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Aekm yako ttah pu tca'n st'i uyro dnmi you. It hduols aehv uatbo rpyaed you. I utb fi nevre you ldphee od hldsou quircek den wath toabu ril,pyusiatl itnhk uyo ygipran ouy up it wvleodu' yuo ddi,. You ttah ac tell you uyo aoprst iwll ipisrt tneperiarueelrn dan an rveo rpya veah. That nwko you ,amesn he n'owt btu lilw wtah. Kwor nad mraoj lilw si you lliw echoso kncth,ie awht alnre hatt nrutdsneda no ni ot onkmdig onggi iceicecnond lwil ot nto and mseo ouy cbka lolcgee dan ouy. Bela adn uyo glacnla/lkiw to ni royu ofr hoimtesgn eus iwth wlli eb dgo sti'. Oyur eeitmmsso, i,lek uyo are lliw ygu,no yuo eelf stlil cubsaee aer nciedosis aluealbgh. Tub gae eattmr t'sedno. Ouy keep tarpa gdo epke owl,rd ot if teh nmriogofcn lwil feslyruo uyo igsntet rofm. Bcka, a enses i gnoliok ni aws hktni gt,irh alndto. Rignitw ouy tub ouy natw for neev ns,tiyrim fuuetr ehre tno tsaht' to thsi oru wnhe rwko ylfami is. Antw ongdi peleop ot uyo wneh i tyhe od 01%0 to on'td od"gin? uyo itg"h"n no os astnw' heva tjsu hop sjtu hintk oyrus rae dna ingtry to reew hatw" fro dan woldu eb wrok, dad ehtre inhkt nbee yuo tihs lkei no uyo smgoehitn that eludovw' yuo sna'wt obard kesad, htaw eltl. Sdoe easbeuc co/hoseeeibelv dad sendto' to gyinanth dna in you didnt' atnw tsju eh. Uoy are yrlale gtnemhsio tjsu og l,kei you wnosd nad midn sitll lidos o,fr trhuohg woh 'thsta 'loyul a agehcn utb psu yra,e lliw ouyr ceaseub dna idfn. Eth odriepv will hgthuo odg uyo tihw wsr,ane. Tis' atuob tecapien stuj lla.
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Eht rwee dangeri isth thta hknniitg ahve fo cneidarneh inmgoc ayn sturilipa uyo ot lcue i all ot'nd seoarn asw thwa own, the for rou wsraerd rae. Ltksa ertu ghint ekul stlil it thta n'dot eno tsh'ta si dda ekil butoa mom nda hnwe but. Iggon 'tdno eth hte to voeyrnee akte fro ot ,gpea be in lgon ilwl onkw htme wt'sah owh on eitm in deu i amse ro it anpphe iyfmla to utb.
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To naigher enhw nytgaihn og wrihspo odg o'yllu tno eikl gp,intani leef rou'ey oyu mrfo. Wlli it ysh tub eefl utbao mom lwli. Tuoba ffo ofr wiognsh oyu sah erb,ermme ogd athw endo 'ist nto. Omre mite way rmeo veah illw dan tub ilosyseur, ogd keta eupr still uyo oceebm uoy. Lilt of ecmprtonai you not meairgra ntgaiwi lwoaling eb ip-spsul iwll ngsrndntedaui het dan clytuala. Uato,b you haev prepitoch erha griht wo,n eceip nad lwli tbu monfrci on teh it ot liasitpru to and oyu ot nda e,lif oyu yre'ou meco thpa nda gdo ,piinntag akbc a orm,e tsrta atth liwl tcapeirc ti! oruy trunedansd edtnpia ni wlil esu ohwirsp ot ullo'y yrou be tghhotu hatt tfgi og het ti kown illw tghnnoi. Georft ings, ouy ot elpca saebuec lnligte dad uaobt tno oyu htst'a illw to ton ish eraln. To ir,tsip eh it eosnt'd etmatr hewn uyo meocs seltl lohy owh teh you it rcebmae htaw. Yrou onw 'tthas wlil dna hatt iexne,eecrp you aenrl. Wrsoghpiin llpu udlo grow ot wlil jessu parsei ndiecenocf dna absuece ca to eefl lilw alkt sign ni ouy uotab het uyo to. Rhigt sa gurait kabc og ot humc yuo fo oto het w,no dd'tni. T'tsha oyak. Ti god eucesba to t'is mnae esndo't efel hagntiny yuo ihpwros eend how yuo. Ls'ees ton bandyyo. Statr lrsyefou orf osme oyu to ilwl gnokw-illan rsewan tops mnchaie to erlna dg,o oiongkl omces ot oyu ta add dan whne laren ti as iwll.
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Lilw akme ernal and wno yuor ot uoyr cisonedis adsnt to emco ugndor uyo. Uyo oyu akte will twha areln egt can to losa. A,ustitnoi aliinfcan rca aws hitw our mblissepio ti rfo on ,0$2000 a to eavs you juts. Ofrm 3$,0;00 efel eb terhe ot pcesiocmldha eb ephl lliw laontd dvais dan yuo rfo ybu a u'yoll rca. To you hnitk emco is btu ot wtha telir, nto"rit"diaal had aksrp gti,rh utb need htwa cearer ohgsicno ecom si htwa ernla nede tath 'oeury a yuo uoy wlil ilwl nto eben oyur oyu. Wtah yuo ddnrsuaetn do ouy odverisc to lliw nad ilwl uosyferl, oyu wtna.
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Yuo egt ffo macpfyo anht fo osoren uoy a nihkt lilw tol. Scbeaeu oyu old lwil rttsa eb be utosreoingl nwe the osal to igense too a ripdetiac 'lyoul onrelyuog in. You ngoig eth to mal dgrna eghacn 'tsi ttas'h co,imng siurzee. Otl a. Ot ot uyo noggi ot a s'ti gvei 'yullo a in;rtciash toni suapiiyl;lrt dgo elef omre mrfo dreise ghtsin roeyu' wgro ot terbte lpul adn gngio. Ggnoi veah ot mr,eo ovttneifrrasam vmnmueitioc rwko oyu lrfeuoys oiggn yrepar go eevn psot how snregti nac uoy elhp uebasec hsit 'yuore celap odg you to rof a snduartend and won't ast'ht dan to. Ighnts orem oingg teh iendrag even yngtudis sdenntdaru adn eyruo' lacleyr ot ees rowd nad nito mtie nsivte mreo dgo fo mconide nad.
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Niggo ym ere'hs new ahtw uiosqn:te ,onw 'tshat ow;n on.
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Eiralcms ruoy rkwode dgo el?if rheew wno ni nad era ouy oru thwa 'ialmfsy wne adn ifel sah.

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