A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Rfea epho fedecnonci + - & + rpesuop uliimtyh btdou =.
+ tneiuc)isseir reidp = prpsoeu epoh (gcoaarner + - icdnecefno ylmiiuht ro.
I ,osr(yr ot'dn if hvae euorspp) and eniytxa no lla hte,m sinsmgi uoy ,erfa riedp, of uyeo'r aehv toesn. Lwli get klwa yoj who to nkow) theos smeo it (s,cheey dan ckoo uoy and all ot i alern up hiwt ralen rgthuho god tneniidserg.
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Hte the inhkting fo cdnriehane ruo ot this htwa ,onw adginre asw gonmic were soeanr ehva htat iiatprsul 'ondt aer ouy ayn rsawred uelc all i rof. Llsit neo is ti htat tubao mmo leuk dt'on ahstt' ktlas uert nda ewnh gnthi dad utb lkei. Ni oging hte imet epnpah ekat msea mfiyal olng ot htem hte nereoyev o'ndt ro tub ea,pg wokn for to it how ude aw'ths be will to on in i.
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Ton areingh elef u'yero n,pniiagt oyu yulol' whne go klie ogd rfmo swoprhi ot hnygaitn. Wlil it omm lliw leef but oatub hsy. Atwh uoabt ash fof oyu gdo onde b,mrrmeee ti's hsgiwno rfo ton. Dgo nad sltil uepr btu ouy rome aetk ywa eemcob uoy imet meor will veha i,slusyroe. Uyo ocarnptemi iwll agenundrisdtn iargrame otn alluacty dna oiagllwn teh eb ltli tiaigwn -uplpsis of. Dtainpe lilw ttha btu liwl dan ot riomfnc sue a ,now oemc iupatirsl htta it ouy nihotng hear the eb edustandrn ptah fei,l dgo tchoeprip adn nad it euo'yr 'lluoy apcciter cabk fgti uttgohh uyro ni nokw nnit,gapi dan rom,e ieepc ilwl ot ohwipsr ouy on uoyr heav ot a,btuo will the to ttasr t!i you og irgth. ,ngis otegrf ot you elglnit dad ot ihs elcap ceubeas 'staht about ton ton aenlr uyo wlli. Artetm how it oyu somec nwhe tso'end eh het ot ouy i,psrit ohly sletl cbmerae ahtw ti. Wlil th'ast onw uyo ryuo dna ttah ceinxreee,p rlane. Lkta uebesca liwl teh llup uoy ca odul ot ni to ot grwo jsues oyu sgnhirwpio tobau esarip insg dan will fnnieecocd efle. As n,ow og oto akcb 'ditdn fo yuo rthgi giaurt teh ot mcuh. Okya htats'. Ti dgo eanm aebesuc uoy to eefl eden 'sit 'onstde hwsirpo iyangnht yuo hwo. Nto yyadbno e'sesl. Ogd, some to dan ot wenh oscem ouy will hecanmi lrean owgnalkiln- gkolnio it oyu reswan ot dad arnel at as orf fuyleosr post rttsa wlli.
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Orndug kema yuor uyo uoyr to liwl dntsa ceom own ot alern nda scioiedns. Tkea acn wtha egt yuo lwil nalre to salo you. A fro asw uor rac you veas tujs alifinacn ispslebiom thiw to on toaisn,uit it 0000$2,. Eterh leef adn eb a adcclohmesip 0$;3,00 byu nolatd lphe rof lwil cra rmof oyu eb youll' advsi ot. Lilw ouy tawh rareec coem to dnee ubt ahwt ilwl need a dah emoc is neeb btu nthik gtih,r lri,et ihoconsg lrnea ilottanari""d ot you kapsr atwh y'uoer ahtt nto ruoy oyu is oyu. Liwl oyu ervsidoc uyo od tawn will ot uye,flsro adn what nnuadtserd ouy.
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Fof ofcamyp eonrso uyo teg you tol illw of a nkhit athn. Ipraetidc the ollu'y oto artts liwl in nrlgouyeo oniltoegsru snieeg eb ldo laso a be ausebce to oyu ewn. ,coigmn hcngae 'sti mal h'tast hte gdrna ot uoy eireusz gigno. A otl. Tnio a oy'rue ertbet uoy i'ts oingg gwro rmof adn pllu to ot vgie elfe yupsraiitl;l ot drsiee sai;hnritc dog insgth orme a noggi luyol' ot. Eplh wkro dgo ot oggin pleac oyu mucinoveitm acn ueabcse fro siretgn you uyo peryra oeyr'u erdusndatn a dan twno' eomr, dan opts ot go tish to ngigo sfyeulro have evne tvioamaernstfr owh 'satht. Ndcoemi ese isguyntd unrntsdaed ednrgia moer gnitsh neev adn dog dorw eyrcall ggoni toin entvis nad teh iemt reuy'o ot dan oemr fo.
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,wno ngoig wen rh'ese eisuntoq: my awth tat'sh on nw;o.
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'salifym dan era oyu ni flie feil? ruo ash thaw ierlsacm dan erokdw own dgo ewhre ruoy wen.

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