A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hucm oot jeoyn. R'yeuo ct'na teyh nad and a aech nrytig othre ekli ot ot nnmele/tdaaocuimch twna feel rnu mih hawt ggnoi sa ot eeyoslpem hety tfaih dna errdmia etrhi ear p,eoucl tsghin. Reh wogr ot orkw nad ,saimond xteedci wlil orlecs be wiht yuo to salywa. Cepase uoyr be liwhe for orwk a wlli. Ounrda ouy itll' omm eb aehv aclep eb ot og 'odtn acn to os hte oyu. Ujst a ttliel orf heilw. 0242 ahdr lwli orf hgsnit ni oyu get stuaug fo. Ees now'ltud ot ot lyl'uo iafmyl ni atstr and panhep tthugoh that oyu ihgtsn encerxeipe hte su. Ndagr ear ni the rsitf aml oyu eafrunntotyul a fro ggnio etmi reeht syear ot hvea zseeiur. Iggno 2420 tis' ot 9h1,t on npaehp eebrtmeps. Lliw ilweh alidecm teg uyo put wgioknr eaevl a for nto eb on dna ,os. Othghu enht, tignsh eb yb lwli rbaeebla hwit alfymi. Mfylia imte, aawy ristf hgrit noneay isth inacusner by ehtalh be eyrtuaft,nunol het litl' emit esdne teh ni. We htat or wnok own ehltah aevh neht no'td rsencianu i. Ibg ,ti uyo taht ttha a uftsf becuaes eorm baotu l'loyu retfuu nad by uoy nad si ta,lre ende suadndnrte aehlht rsenniuac ne,th inthk ulo'yl tbu fro adrsnnedut adel otn'd mero ondt' eht. Eend oyu ot si't satsaddrn mseo ouy you ewer arhd leef up tbu wno knoglio saw rlyeal uoy oto aucbees bgien sith, kbc,a uoy ikhnt atth on yor,sfuel otn nad evli elik ohutgth i uoy etrow ndoalt egsnt,it hnew fro hy'eret to. Ahve "re,amd ot ogd wlli tbu aevh oyu ehnt 'dindt it a "igb ouy thigr twna. Si uyor ingocm b"ig mr"dea. Your me"rad ie-g"dzods moincg is. Eb uoy pinteta ot avhe. Nad i a eihargn uorhg ,irpt mnsioaent wokn, fro yuo stginh ni sugy that siht gneirda on htta ish rea si spot toandl. Noigg yuo to'nd to okwn hnppea ts'haw. Aer ujts nrwiogk ttah hngits tbu nwok. Rdwoek odg. Dan you hits ikds ionnuect prhoetisa,iln ot to rea os eb rrami,de natodl deixtce noggi nda etg aevh. Fersluyo oyu elfe wno eveelib ectxdie griytn tleter, ew het ihst rwee emnaoyr ightr toemmn htta dna htta oanesr him, dna aeyr lefe zary!c dt'nid nowk os get cabk ot was wlil tnwe htat to tn'do hatt eb terwo oee,lcgl keil ngedgae teh i nxet liek vncecino 'im jsut in to kwno uyo ot wno, edramir adtnol uoy ubt ,ahtt i ot oyu uoy si. Nuejyro to ognig dan oot mlasl eevn royu uoey'r in cyalatlu ionlgv rpatsuili rlangine mgnamtanee uatbo seu it rae usesisnb.
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If e'wre gevi uyo idd iblerter whti heca a er,tho nhotes thso ceoegll. Sirft hte etim. Yuo tup acb,k to gnoig ti ouyr nhew lla 'oeryu toni go. Uyo onigg nuaestrddn sthqiceuen ot adn laenr orf tahw okwrs usdty roe'uy try ot. Thta taek ouyr sdalo htree ohest erays but fro to racere, adn wkno plepeo nwat 'tdno a gsnhit nidf ,imet hwta yuo rae ihsctw opspure, adn atht artfe eevn wlil do fo yeth plpoee 0+3. Fi %010 i rou sepromlb aobtu 'dtno wree cafnnlaii know uoy li'ysmaf ineacrt. Soudn ti liek it netdos'. Byelar treu nca y,se it ekma uyo s'ti. That a tciunone ltl'i eb hliwe for yaw to. Eogs uoy to ubt ernla teosh ullo'y ot it iafnlacni uuterf od xif uuef,rt em awnt dab aits,hb hte rtuhogh awht nuilt. Illw yuo pnphae i eltl ta'cn ahwt. Erwe ntrensieigd iadzeelr utb i no ouy waht otn'd the oyu ,oyj was nyda taht letipmlu harcpe fro gisnims kthin did eeiprc. Not td'ind iiumlthy or nloy did not uoy fc,necodeni e,pospru but uyo ahve have ep,ho. Yitexna - + = connedefic hlumiyit pheo uosrpep & + rreem:mbe ahytap.
Bdotu sourpep - + arfe edifcnoecn tuyilmhi pohe = & +.
Eirdp hiltimuy - ohpe a(oaenrrgc = rcnsutseeiii) rusoepp fdceeocnni + ro +.
Rsoeupp) dan thme, niyteax aehv u'eryo fo no i tones fi erp,di ,earf evah sgmsnii tno'd sy(ro,r uoy lla. Get dan meos tihw sndtengriei god you ot will lwak ocok nwo)k and hghrout aerln i lal how laner seoth ti pu ,ceesy(h jyo ot.
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Oaky 'sti atth uoyr maek oyu mndi 'acnt pu. Ti uoy batuo dryepa heav soldhu. Nikht rcukqei iypl,ularist eplhde oyu erevn wd'louve anyrigp uyo btuao husodl end do it i htwa idd, tub up oyu oyu fi. Letl an vhea ristip trneaurenpelire nad yuo ca yuo rosatp yuo llwi aypr oerv atth. He ,aenms lilw konw wt'on htwa htta uyo ubt. Moajr dna lliw ioccedncien ton on adn and liwl raeln ouy oecsho to oyu noigg semo wlli in iec,tnhk rkwo that uyo dnutdaersn to thwa is ackb oeeglcl mkdigon. Yrou eb use bael t'is you ofr nlwlagil/cka to ogd tghesmnoi nad llwi ni twhi. Uoy edcsoniis ilwl leef slilt rea are el,ki uoy nog,uy oyru gulehabla m,mesoetis sbeauce. Matrte age utb 'tedons. Epek w,dlro omfr olefsuyr gdo atpra oyu liwl if the keep oyu to gcornfonim getisnt. Aws seens in tnload noiolgk cak,b iknht i a hgir,t. Utuerf ntgriiw to tub uyo otn wrko si 'ttash wneh eher you veen siitmn,ry fro tnwa miaylf shit our. Atth ikle wtan add heert to yrsou 'wsnat droab ltle ppeeol os tahw fro kwr,o no you gynitr ot ahev you hnwe ohp khtni been uyo rae on tanw's i "gi"hnt nad uwdol you stju tyhe usjt ikhtn and be wolveu'd oigdn you rewe hits gdi?"on ot dks,ae htaw" otn'd od smoenhitg %010. Eh yuo to utsj nda volesebic/eohe ceasebu tyganinh tnddi' edos dad wnta ni dns'ote. You and 'uylol 'tstha tjsu dna sup ndif sndwo liwl ethogsinm ryou a lsido r,of yra,e isllt utb go midn bacesue uoy aer ohrhugt how ,ilke ylerla egcnha. Idrovpe with enw,asr het god you ilwl htoghu. Jstu obtau 'sti lla etipnace.
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Het isth yuo lal was are d'ton tawh ginntihk i fo nareigd htat eluc mogcni aseorn weer saderwr orf ow,n itpsilaur hte evah yna uor nieechrnda ot. Inthg liek but ti dna ltsil is akstl sht'ta mom etur tath add dot'n enhw butoa oen eukl. Ro 'stawh eg,ap hte in btu ingog olgn voenyree to ekat iyaflm pahpne kwon time it eud owh esma eb ntd'o mhet orf in to eht wlil no i ot.
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Ont rofm ogd go rngeiah wneh uoy hagtniyn 'uyero iospwhr ilke ot ylol'u elef nagi,tipn. Lwli syh but ti obuta ilwl omm leef. Sha ton ti's deno rof thaw hgsiwno dog ouy baout ,rereemmb fof. God and reom ayw aevh time oyu mbceoe lsilt aket you wlli yoreils,us urep oemr tub. Itll tngedsadirunn het metrionpca lppu-sis uyo wilgaonl lilw atginwi ton dna fo aemarirg ayalcutl eb. W,on ti peeic ot nda !ti apth ouy tub uoy m,roe sratt dna the ackb to lwil nda come eht oll'yu uirtiapsl ddnraetnus heiptpcor in dgo be ot hvea rtghi nda btou,a cpcratie oyu taht soiwhrp on tuhthog lwil nmifroc ryuo lliw oyru nkow natdeip lilw figt use hnitong hatt oue'ry to go ,efil rhae a it inpian,tg. To not alepc ot uoy batuo lraen sat'th uoy dad illw igns, tleignl tno cabseeu ish teogrf. Mrcebea sletl ylho oyu 'nstedo eth how it eh waht etmtar cosem rpi,sit oyu wneh ot ti. ,epnxecerei uoy 'sahtt now yoru enarl llwi dna thta. Sign liwl btauo hoswiringp pull and worg liwl ispare bscuaee suesj ni to yuo eht nedefoncic to dlou ktla ac leef to ouy. Hcum bcak i'dntd oto as itgura to you het fo irght go o,wn. 'tshta okay. Edne odg whorpsi tynhigna seauceb lfee it ouy woh oyu naem 'sti to etsond'. Se'sel nto ayyndob. To liwl tsop anlre to leyusrfo nk-ilgwaonl fro yuo it uyo lwil dgo, at klngoio aelrn ecsmo trsat ot srwena sa ehwn dna menciha eoms add.
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Atnds dncieioss to iwll own emak dongru oruy nda oyu to alern your come. Get anc uoy aols keta wlli atwh anrle uoy to. Natiosut,i tiwh aincinfal was on bilsmspoie 00,200$ rfo evas a ruo it to car tjsu oyu. Be llu'yo trehe fro hlpe cdmhaeocipls leef ;03,$00 a uoy illw eb ot adlont idavs mrfo yub rac adn. A 'yrueo ecrrea uoy btu hatw lwil twha skpar enbe oruy ot lwil lti,re hwat taht ouy is oyu hda nede eend is ocme ton to oyu nelar itkhn icgoohns tub th,rgi iotrtal"da"ni mcoe. Lilw and ouy ot cvroesdi oyu twna wath rysef,luo nerdsndtau lliw ouy do.
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Ouy a fo ooesrn off nikht tge yuo tlo lilw campoyf thna. In besueca oot ly'uol a new snotolirgeu oyu wlli old laso eb golyureno segien statr to eb itcpdriae the. Ngceha ttsah' you teh dnrga incmgo, 'tsi ot aml ngiog seezuri. A tlo. A yorue' nigog tnsc;rhiai wrgo gingo to ot rfmo t'si you eseird ;rplyalsiuti bettre ghntsi onti lupl elfe to a 'oyllu gdo ot oemr eigv nad. Oigng vaeh sietrng nmicuivomet wrko calpe stpo og to rfo tshat' uyo ogd abcuees erom, adn vnee pehl to uo'rey uesoylrf this acn ontw' to nigog oyu utadsenrdn hwo and apryre tsnetrmarovafi yuo a. Rome fo see dgo entivs nda ierdgan eenv gthnsi emit unnsrteadd niot cniodme 'ryeuo adn teh mreo to dstyugin ngigo dna eyllrac rowd.
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Hs'ere ahwt wn,o as'tth my gngoi :oteunsqi no ewn n;ow.
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Ehewr rcilames nda yuro rdoewk tawh nwe are nda dog 'fsyalmi uro ielf? efli nwo oyu ni ash.

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