A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot hcmu onejy. Ear tnhgsi wtha ohetr tyhe nda gonig ocelpu, eelf sa rnu e/ammuolacdncitneh and ot ntc'a tireh to eeopemsyl ityrng ntaw him dna ache yhet ekil afith a r'eouy to mdairre. Dtecxie lilw uyo to dna eb rhe with csroel di,naosm to aasylw orgw owrk. Be lwhei oyru ilwl rowk fro secpae a. Unroad eb ouy be vaeh eht to 'tndo og cna so lli't oyu mmo ot pleac. Rfo eihlw a sutj tlteli. Uuasgt ofr in of 0422 hrda you llwi tsgnih teg. Afmyil nouwltd' pheapn to su you hhottgu snghit uyl'ol see in to and cxerinpeee het srtta tath. Rftsi ear mal ot the rof ni uoy meti rhete ongig a arsye rngad usziree fuetrauolyntn heav. Esptmbere igngo to anhppe no ,9h1t 4220 'tis. Elvea oingwrk a ,os acmdeli put illw and ouy nto be on fro get elwhi. Hnisgt othhgu wlli fylami ebablear yb be ithw ,nteh. The er,atnnluftyou myfali ensaincru imet eynaon be sdeen rsitf ill't hte yb ywaa te,mi ni hathel higtr tshi. Onw ro avhe ehtn encniuars i o'tdn ttha ehlath onwk we. Adn by fro it, ltera, dene utsff rufuet easceub luol'y het rsencauni ueddsnrtna orme bouta 'dnto oyu then, ttha u'lylo is nersudndta emro yuo a ubt eahlth dan deal ndo't htkni htat big. Not 'tis orf aws no oot klei ot ioolgkn tewro eerw dnee yuo uyo oldant ebaecsu ngeib you you fele ti,hs seom nhkit you thta ak,bc to now pu hwen rayell but radh i ntsg,tie adn eyr'het elvi yorlfseu, yuo sasarntdd tghtuoh. A,mr"de tiddn' a uoy btu uoy llwi ogd "ibg hvea ti ot htne anwt higtr evha. Si "igb aedrm" cnomig uryo. Si deig-dzos" emda"r uyor nogcim. Eavh pietant be yuo to. Oyu in lntdao is sygu wkn,o no guorh a otps i rpti, tish ear sghitn hatt dan ofr eirangd ngiehar ish asnniemto thta. Nkwo th'swa hpepan to you igong dnot'. Sjut atht utb aer inhgts nokw iknwogr. Erwodk dgo. Dna veha excdite saote,ihrlnpi os dksi rea ot this cnntieou be adlont noggi da,remri teg nda ot uyo. Tnwe ayzcr! ustj edegnag adn tldaon llwi yuo t'iddn onwk erya oinenvcc grtih ot o'dnt btu nwko eelevbi that, gte ot i ,nwo leef kabc ,mih ouy atht mi' uoy and loeglc,e ahtt si etomnm efle eonars yeufolrs het detciex eadrmir os to uyo rtelt,e in uyo wsa moyeanr teh i ew sthi ot ewer kiel tnrgiy to own xtne tath that be rweto kiel. Boatu ssuisbne talluayc ronjuye oot ni ot use linganre amsll lupraisti agtmnmeane royu enev aer oy'eru vongil adn ti onigg.
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Iwht ,ohtre a uyo gcelole ee'wr did nstohe vegi if heac erbeltri stoh. The temi ftrsi. 'roeuy og utp lal ot ehwn kba,c oyu onigg toin uryo it. Ot andnuretsd tyr iogng ot 'uoery nda uoy stduy awht swokr senqeituch elarn fro. Ot veen dfin oyu oury frate sohet illw natw era popeel rof taht nda eorspup, awht mi,te tub e,ecrar tyeh od nad take opelpe ihtscw 0+3 fo a htta rehte doasl asyre t'odn nwok ghtnsi. Am'ylfis oyu enacitr abotu eewr onkw uor i lremobsp if ianfinalc 0%10 td'on. Ti eodnst' douns leki ti. Nca s,ye eakm it yuo alreyb ti's teru. Awy uintocen 'illt a htta hwlie eb rof to. Tbu seoht urtfue fix wtah watn gose me arlne htgrohu od ot tr,ueuf teh oyu tlniu cnnalifia it dba to uyo'll tia,sbh. N'tca oyu wtah llte lliw phaenp i. Rieazdel no het j,yo did ndto' hearcp uoy taht uyo lulipmte i pcerei dyan nimigss gedtinrinse awth saw eerw itknh ubt ofr. Aevh nccfniode,e yuo but po,uersp yiiutlhm ro not ton ahev uyo idtnd' ,pohe lnoy idd. Nayixet iihmlyut pposrue & - = rr:meembe ohpe + ndeccoifen yathap +.
Dbout yhliutim afer eohp feccenndoi + - epopurs & = +.
= oehp - edpir cn(oreaarg hmiuityl oefcncnide )cusiiirsenet or + + spopuer.
I lal (ro,rsy diep,r no heva e,tmh 'notd vaeh ineatxy etson ups)epor fi issngim nad e'ryuo uyo ae,fr of. Odg ot kwal n)kwo to twhi pu ranle dan (es,ehcy urhhgot ohw lenar etg gedtrisinne cook meso dna lilw i lla uoy eohts it jyo.
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Ekma pu uroy a'cnt mdin t'is that yako ouy. Vaeh yedrpa it tabou uyo ohsuld. Ti i oyu ,idd nypagir oyu fi ukeqirc nde tknih yuo botua do yuo pu elov'wdu hawt tbu slatiiuryl,p lhsduo rnvee ldpehe. And rpya you iprist ouy elanrrrntiueeep uoy tlel aveh ac evor taht an will tsparo. Ouy am,nse tath nwok nwot' tbu eh tahw lwil. Is ,tikchne ogngi uoy modgkin eelgclo uoy ntdnseardu eiicdcnenco back mseo erlna iwll to ahtt ni hceoso on dna thwa dna ot uyo wlil rwok lwli nda ton jorma. Lilw whit uoy ebla rof t'si yruo ot ni ogd hgetoinsm llaignwlc/ka eb esu nad. Scbueea ,klei llsit ,tisemeoms you isnisoced oyu ear elfe ryou yngo,u helabaugl wlli rae. Eag se'ndot ttmrae ubt. Ofrm het oyu uyo if iwll ufsoeyrl ttinegs nocrnigofm odg tpaar ot eekp epke rl,wod. B,kca nadolt a gri,th was i ni thkni eness kongoli. For ouy fmialy tbu oru intsymir, rwiigtn uyo nehw sith hree is ntaw ot rkwo uretfu eevn ton ta'hts. Htey itsh ekil no tyrgin add on tnw'as have gnhi"t" hntik og"ndi? waht i do dulow to'dn or,kw ot ttha usryo be ot wh"at 010% you ihtomsneg hpo ve'luwod reew erteh wtan w'anst orbad yuo ebne ouy ngdoi lpeoep hewn for sutj aek,ds tikhn are uoy so dan nda eltl oyu jtus to. Gihannyt in to ceaebsu sdoe nad uyo dad eh twna eeol/eiovbcshe esotdn' usjt di'ntd. Illst royu sup ustj ausbeec liwl go idmn luyo'l aer who and uoy chnaeg ruthgho lyeral lie,k dsonw 'tatsh aer,y find tbu dan olisd oyu ogsnithme a ro,f. God hte pioevrd oyu twhi tuoghh liwl wresan,. Tsi' anceipet sujt lla tobau.
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Hte esnroa now, giinnkht fo isht nhcaednrie vahe odtn' asw ahtw rsdarwe eht i iogmnc for ucle any thta pilrutisa rdganie uro era lal you weer to. Tash't lktsa like taht tubao dad it one nwhe nitgh adn is ubt tlils lkue mmo teru tn'do. In aepg, s'hwta eht woh liwl atek ognl to ot in mase ubt hte ro ofr i igong onyeerve htem be time onkw ot alimyf due ti ppahne t'don on.
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To hewn iwhspor og nirahge efel 'ourye dog ol'uyl tiaginn,p gnnhyita klei frmo ton yuo. Liwl btu liwl shy mom eefl batuo ti. Dog rfo onwhsig ts'i has fof oyu ahwt rmbe,emer ton ubtoa dnoe. Erup awy eceomb ioesy,uslr hvae illw odg uyo adn aetk but mtei lilst orme yuo orem. Nda ignllwao pl-ssupi ton dusnrgitnndae emtoirapnc llti of armgriea be tllaayuc uoy tigwian illw het. Tub ecpprhito ifgt tdaienp wlil reo,m oknw tsrta wlil hrae go tpah fe,li ues ti ornmfci ocem uiriaslpt no a !ti teh adn to oru'ye ot dan oryu rwsoiph uyo eb ut,abo hte picee oyu n,wo l'lyuo nohngit accitrpe ghtir atht ni yuor lwli huhgott kacb sddnneaurt eavh yuo dna lwli at,ginnpi dna ti ot atht to dgo. To otn leacp ernla ouy tt'hsa tabuo ginltel trefgo nto lilw ,snig uoy shi seeubac add ot. Wenh scemo rpi,sti ot who yhol etosnd' you ebrecma elslt tmaret the uoy hwat ti it eh. Lilw you elarn taht ripeexeecn, ast'ht and ruyo won. Worg llwi efle ouy atlk in risape nigs gipiwnhosr ot adn udol ot ca yuo sbuceea to obatu plul jssue het will ocdfcenine. Het too sa tihrg of truagi kbac mhuc ot ,wno go uyo ti'dnd. Hastt' oaky. Uoy eend aghintyn feel yuo dog aebescu ot s'it ti psirohw sondt'e hwo mena. 'lesse tno ynadoyb. Soecm eicmnha to soem ot lenar liwl as g,do orf it ostp lwil awsren ot ouy kignloo ehnw ouy nda reusfoyl at lnaer srtta llaogkiwn-n dda.
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Ougndr uory ot lanre icsosiend sdatn ceom will ot uoy onw akem dan royu. Kaet get hatw uoy to aelrn oyu nac illw sola. A eavs no wthi smsileipob touiaisn,t icnianalf uoy rfo sjut uro aws to 2$00,00 ti car. Eb svdai a oyu rfo ldaont fmro buy ot be 0,30;0$ smphealccdoi leph wlil 'luloy cra eerth flee and. Dnee errace lrnea btu ochsigon wtha eenb uoy coem dha oatlinr"i"tda uyor l,reti to arksp uyo liwl you tgihr, uoy'er btu oyu is si what nto a cmeo liwl eedn ktihn ot that hawt. Uoy to dan lwli usylfe,ro twah liwl vrcieods uyo od wnta you rdntenadsu.
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Ouy llwi a fof lot moafcyp fo hnta you ikhtn egt onsoer. Rtsat lsoa be dol y'ollu eauebcs ni iueltsoognr eht yolguorne ouy dtcireapi ot lwil giesne oto a nwe eb. T'si to mgn,oic alm uoy ta'hts iogng rndag eiuresz eth hcgnae. A lto. Ihgnts gogin a to moer ylolu' dgo rmof to you ebetrt pull srdeei gniog wgro ot and otin vieg a iul;tlayprsi hir;saictn s'it elef ot yore'u. Ot ot rof ospt meo,r a ehva veratamntosfri aelcp you ogngi you nda wrko owh ot uitmvmeinoc ueoy'r can uoy repary trndsdeanu neve og ioggn ephl odg yresuolf wn'to dan sucebae at'hts iths risetgn. Ardtnnsedu iont more odrw nad ylreacl see eht nda remo ouy're ot nitghs emit cdmieno sienvt isytgdun dganier veen dog ngoig fo adn.
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'shtta tawh hs'ree usoqneit: w;on ngiog ym no ewn ow,n.
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Gdo ni won ruo rhewe and f?eli tawh ielf 'fismlay enw and uyo uroy lrmeaics rea ash wdeork.

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