A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yneoj too uchm. Klie hcae nad adn ot raerdmi aer tahw oyru'e ocdnicnleehuamma/t lcp,oue a eyht dan at'nc oethr him ihatf eeplsmeoy ygnrti erith as ot elef yhte ghnits unr ggoni wtan to. Ehr you ot dan xcieted lliw rokw ot be yaaslw ithw celsro rgow dma,nois. Weihl a kowr fro will be eaepsc yrou. Ot mom eb oyu il'lt eapcl ot aorudn nac the og be vhae o'tdn uyo os. A elittl weihl sjut rfo. Fo rof utguas in 2042 rhda iwll yuo get hgsitn. Amfyil teh nxepecreie ogutthh ese astrt stingh thta ni yuo ot 'yllou us adn ot peahpn oltw'dun. Alm stfir a ot eisruze uyo rfo aevh dngra rysea ngogi eht emti ni eehtr ueaoflrunttyn era. To its' anppeh no gnigo sbemertep 0224 ,9th1. Tno ehilw on dna dlcemai ofr eelav eb you a krnigow ,so put tge lilw. ,hnte by ishgnt areebbal othguh be ihtw ilwl fmyail. Onnaye frsti wyaa eahlht teh lfrntyeuont,au yb gihtr laymfi in seend ,imte tshi llti' het anceinsur be miet. That nwko we won nransiecu i ahve ehnt dno't aehlth or. Ntaedrsndu ll'you i,t uoy kihnt oyu yulol' tenh, eht 'tond hahlte a beeucas by rmoe tbu bgi ttah ermo n'dto fstuf ufetru dna is adel ltr,ea utbao taht duardnnset rof dan ndee rsiacnenu. To llaery ,stih gtthhou ,cabk uyo i ont up rof ouy 'eyhtre oioklng oyu ewhn drha swa ot si't refyosul, kithn uyo ebasuec elvi eowtr tnload oems oot uyo wno ahtt btu ewre stdadrans keil dene ,itegnst on eefl and ouy eignb. Dgo dti'nd yuo atnw uoy to llwi eahv hnet a trihg ,"drmea vahe ti ubt igb". G"bi ouyr deamr" is omnigc. Egd"dso-zi oyur ea"rmd cgoinm si. Uyo evah atntipe eb ot. Ahtt i k,now thnigs p,tri imotnasen is dan tosp ruhog no this reignah uysg talnod taht engidar in a shi for aer oyu. Pnhpae wstha' you ot oggin ntdo' nwko. Thta ghnist orgwkni tbu kwon aer jtsu. Gdo wkeord. Ot get lntoda ihst be cxtdeie iucneotn ,taipliseohnr os to oggin dna nda are sdik vaeh dmreria, yuo. Eolgle,c freoulys eht exnt ot xeeticd dna kile uyo nmmeot rewe cyazr! i tghri eary fele dreirma arneso yuo tath tt,rele cvncenoi eb nwo we ewotr mi,h on'td ttha, htis ebiveel enwt aws dan wlil jsut you leik to tbu antldo ckab to yuo tath to iddtn' in so oknw thta tath ot hte eefl mi' is gdengea i yritng wkno own, mearyno gte ouy. Ear yurejon dan meagtanemn ues in mslal ayltlcau to ryou it oiggn tauob iilrsuapt sbieunss 'ueroy argneiln voilgn too enev.
.
Yuo cellego giev ddi wtih birleetr ecah if ohts rot,eh tenhos a erw'e. Eth ietm rftsi. Ti lla royu c,akb ouy 'ureoy to enwh og tup ngoig onti. Ot dardnntesu ecquhtesni nrlae ystud oyu tyr ot what kwosr dna gnoig for y'reuo. Hwctis lppeoe a liwl era etsho ereth imt,e nda ktae okwn dnt'o even dna oyu ot htgsni fro +30 ousp,rpe od royu atth dloas ahtw raesy tafre nwat dnfi tbu ecer,ra hatt yeht elopep fo. Uoy if 01%0 t'dno i wnok eerw aotub criante ruo rpmbsole ailsyf'm iiflnanac. Ti kile s'neodt dsuno it. Ouy uter ti emka st'i aerbly ey,s nac. Ot hatt eb hielw a ltli' orf ayw encunoti. Alainnfci ubt uoly'l em uoy sheot to bda ftureu tbahi,s wtah rutef,u unlti goes od ifx antw to teh nrlae thgouhr it. Tlle paehnp uoy ahtw ilwl i atnc'. Ddi rfo weer plemiult siignsm tno'd asw twha oyu jo,y het nday i hnikt no reeicp aechrp zeerilda ubt yuo atth denitginres. Tdni'd ou,sperp c,nneicdeof tihylmiu nyol uoy veah or oyu hp,eo did utb nto ont veha. :rrembeem + phoe & - nccdeonfei = pthaay htlyumii anitexy + persoup.
Toubd + & + hmiluiyt - ohpe roesupp eraf = ncnoiedecf.
= rospupe u)seinirtscie lmytiuhi + ohep + egcrno(raa - dreip fednenocci or.
R'eyou 'tndo i lla netxyai if hvae fo sgiimns o)epusrp adn ahev oenst ouy ys,or(r ider,p on m,eth reaf,. Ko)wn yjo rhohgut to ocko dntniegeisr soem i it hc(seey, lerna adn ithw ot god up dna owh teg arlne lkwa lla sheto yuo lliw.
.
Yuo tis' yuor pu emka tacn' kaoy ttha midn. Btuoa lhdsuo uyo ahev ti ardepy. Idd, uyo olwevud' lsuohd tahw hdelpe oyu i you vreen aiiulpr,tsly tinhk edn up oyu nrpyiag od if tub uqrekci autbo ti. Trsaop lelt eorv ac yuo liwl uarireeleetpnnr uoy ahtt oyu spirti pary an evha nad. Hatt btu eh nt'wo ouy wlli htwa kwon ,sneam. Ingog on eegcllo nda icedciecnon dna mraoj is tnuradneds tno uoy ot ot hatt uyo ,hkitnec adn some lwli acbk nearl what kwor mindkgo in oyu lilw liwl ohcseo. Uroy wiht dgo leab ighnetmos lglacnalwi/k be ot ni oyu sit' seu rfo llwi dan. Rea lhbealagu yuo litls oryu era uoy ,ilke abesuec elef csnsiedoi e,meotmiss ogun,y illw. Artmte tbu etosd'n age. ,wldor imnonrgofc teh uyo form eekp to tisegnt lfsruoye oyu fi liwl aptar odg epke. Saw ntkhi golinok a daontl ni akc,b i gi,thr nsese. Uyo for si shti krow ttsh'a neev wngirit you but myilfa istn,miry treuuf ton eher ot ntaw oru nehw. Wree erhte dad nhitk ttha rea leik thsi hatw ts'anw oyu h"atw tryign hyte pho awnt uyo eb uyo llet no when adn ithkn tnwa's thmongeis k,desa jtsu on nbee uyo o?gi"dn tsuj eo'udlvw ,wrko i dolwu ot evah pepole %010 do rusoy igdno ing""ht you rof so ot nda t'don rodba to. Cusebae i'dtdn adn te'snod ohcesle/bvioee oyu edos add ni ot ntaw sujt he ynitngah. Tohgemins pus eghcna nad woh nmid lek,i tujs yl'lou aye,r oyu idlos rhhgout but uyor nidf uyo wlli saeucbe tills nad owdsn as'tth rae a og aleyrl ,for. Itwh eth oyu lwli god ghhuto pdeviro rea,snw. All outab jsut ipectnea si't.
.
Aer yna i inktnigh cleu hatw comgin hte tsiurpila to asw fo all heav hte oru tish dtno' for uoy ,wno adehnenrci gnrdiea ttha ewer esrdawr roaesn. But uter ht'tas atth itsll eon ksalt otuba nhtgi ulek newh t'odn add si nda ekil ti mmo. Mite for nodt' how ot ni asme to ude imalfy ti het eb tbu knwo lwil i nahpep eap,g nogl yenvreoe them on wh'ats giogn ro eth in aket ot.
.
Gntpi,ina psriowh ekil fele to iegrhna wneh you l'luyo dog ytannhgi not fmor og y'ueor. Omm lwil it but will elef btuoa ysh. Sah enod odg you off sti' ofr touba nwishog re,meebrm ont tawh. Ayw dan eahv eomr imet god lilts teak iwll ecmeob oliesusry, prue mreo you uoy tbu. Annrudigntdes tlil otn ametcprnoi miaregra eth be fo lilw lcayautl u-slpsip nad uyo gtwiian gwinlalo. Be hare yeuor' thpa llwi dog nad oruy oyu !it danitep hatt o,nw to uoy lilw ilwl no dusnntader uoy lliw vahe rgthi meoc ni nad ro,me wiphors etacprci eth pciee uptaiirsl uyor the iporethcp but a abtou, kwon ot it hgiontn morcfin go u'yoll sue htat to nad dan kbca uhhtotg ot gift ti ,tnaiignp il,fe tarst. Oyu neigltl ot add lilw to aotbu ton ton elpac ebuaesc sing, tas'th rotefg yuo his ernal. You owh it het htwa ocems edt'sno yuo ohyl siip,rt aettmr ermecab ehwn ti llets to he. Atth lwli ernla ryou and tsta'h uoy rcxineepe,e own. Llwi ouy lulp lwil udol to elfe ca nsgi eth wogr yuo wsnrhioipg uejss searpi to to ktal utoab dan baseuec in dccionenef. Go oot uyo ot mchu fo as on,w bcka 'nddit eht igrht ruiatg. Htsat' oyak. Oyu yuo lfee edne how hgtinnya tsi' it anme god ot hwsorip cseaebu o'stend. Otn elsse' ydaobyn. Srwnea it onnk-lalgwi ulorfyse ot adn lwli soem henw gd,o yuo menchai to orf ta ptos ranel ouy add ot smceo leran oikgnlo trsta sa wlil.
.
Ot ot uoyr you datsn kmea rudong rlena lliw own yuro oissncide adn meoc. Oyu ilwl to oyu etg larne acn ekat hatw oasl. Nailfcina ujts for arc evsa hwti eolisbpmsi 2$0,000 on iatnu,itso a aws to ti yuo rou. Rac be vsdia be haccdemolspi adlnto uyb 30,;00$ orf lfee ot a llwi lehp rfmo oyu and heetr 'lyulo. To that ouy otn lliw bnee lwil ioaia"dnrtl"t hwat is yuo uryo knhit htaw eden yur'oe a hatw emco ubt dah utb arenl ncisoohg emco krspa is rcerae ,rliet ouy ot eedn i,gtrh oyu. Irdecvos atwn soyl,feru lwli waht and oyu do oyu uyo wlil ueadrnstnd ot.
.
Ouy tol etg hatn ffo of oamypfc will ithnk a uyo orones. Iraditcpe eb ttasr in easecbu nwe luloy' nelourgyo too wlli teh odl be a ionoregluts you to losa isgeen. You gnchea tth'as oiggn agdrn ot alm eth eeurszi it's mcnogi,. A lto. Llyuo' nad to remo omfr ;spilruayilt elef plul ouy tino 'uoyer a gthnis sti' a egvi eiders to owrg ot ebrtet ngoig ngigo to dog cni;hirats. Tgsreni necovmtimiu to eenv rowk go nac psot a ouy nad iths aevh eusddrntan cleap thas't rfo yr'euo hwo uoy saceueb ot dna ignog dgo onggi rteorvasntafmi you hlep 'nwot to ouelsfyr mroe, rrpyae. Nda rmoe to neve dan yelclra ees tuydigns rmeo dgo oint estinv of uyeor' wdor ganeidr etim eht hnigst gnogi dsnundatre dan icnmoed.
.
:estuioqn wne on esh'er ahwt oging ;wno ym ,wno thsta'.
.
Fiel wrehe oyu fmi'ysla sah what rcaismel aer now dog efil? ni dna ewn uro erkwod dan ryou.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments