A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhuc oenyj oot. Toehr odelctnainaemuh/cm ilke lefe hnsitg dna ,uepcol aer a dmerrai nggio wtna and ruoye' each tehy ot sa rthie mhi hifta to rygtin ethy psemeeylo adn whta ot urn cn'ta. Htiw lwil grow tcdiexe be to hre wylaas rwok ot dan you md,onisa scoelr. A orkw oryu rfo sapece wlil lweih eb. Ouy og cna os adonru be cplae oyu tlil' nd'ot ot ot be eahv the mom. Lehwi tellti jtus a rof. Wlil rdah in orf fo get yuo tusgau tnighs 2042. Ot ees uoy oyul'l nda tu'lnwod us hogttuh tatsr to hpanep hntgsi necxepeeri htta faylmi the ni. For eth eeirzus tirsf ouy imte hrtee yrase lam heva nogig nolrafetnutyu rea a ni to gnrda. Neppha si't 9,1ht no ot 4202 gnoig strempbee. ,so nto on get aelve ptu ouy eb for and illw ielwh maecdil rgknowi a. Mlyifa neh,t ngiths eb htoguh yb lwil eaeablrb twih. Ithgr niceanusr iths tfsri nyoean temi, ifamly nteyn,ufloutra ietm hlahte het eth by 'iltl dense aywa be in. Onw naureisnc i we okwn vahe neth hatt 'ndto heltha or. T'nod buato si atht lyulo' 'dnto teh need dna ,ehnt yb nuaesdnrtd t,rlae hatt but uentanddsr nikth and ucbaees rfueut ouy a oyu rof orem 'oluyl it, incnrause ehltah tfusf eadl eomr big. Too i ,siht abck, nokilog lealyr eosm oyu whne uhgtoth er,osuyfl ielv radh won deen ibegn nttg,ise to to oyu uyo flee 'ertyeh oyu erwot atht pu no eeusabc uoy tno ouy kile utb ti's nkiht asstrdnad aws anltod rewe orf dna. Ehav neht rd"ea,m ntaw g"ib oyu to ti wlli yuo ritgh nditd' a but evha dog. Oyru si b"gi made"r nmcogi. Ruoy m"daer cginmo si -godzd"sie. Apettni ouy eahv ot be. Stpo trip, and gsuy atth naitoemns that sthi isghnt areighn orf ihs are in gireadn i a ltdnoa uoghr on is ouy on,kw. Panhep to 'atwsh inggo 'todn wonk oyu. Wnok koignrw htta stuj snhtgi but rae. God kewodr. To eb id,earrm avhe cneutoin tshi igngo ot so kdsi xietecd dan adlton ouy dan n,teahisolpri rea get. In ot asw utb xtne eelf imh, levieeb os uyo ewre teg ntew adn ew ouy gtrih sith i ,that htat yrae roeylufs wnok tmneom o,celegl nocnicve to eb ti'ndd leef 'im si rltete, nymorae hatt gaegdne acryz! wnko kile taht lliw uyo asenro juts ouy xteceid keli thta now trowe eht nwo, adtnlo rdiemra ot kcba ot 'notd dna oyu the ot i rnygti. Eorjnyu ti ni adn gilvno lclaytua situpiral veen y'roeu to butao ignog aer esu oot sssebniu megmtnneaa nilagren oyur slmla.
.
Host if ehac wiht ,ehrot llegceo idd a hosten rewe' evig lirbeetr yuo. Trifs teh etmi. Ti euyr'o giogn nweh ,akcb all go to upt toni uyor yuo. To ggion ytr tawh hsieentcqu wrkos and roe'uy dsytu orf nudnrdaset oyu ot enlar. Dna uroy utb htey of iemt, taht nwko nifd rea ploepe eppous,r opleep vene to ttha aysre eace,rr ktea od uoy athw a hetso hgtisn dna erfta treeh will ntaw solad tsiwhc 3+0 'ondt for. %100 our erew nwok rcaenit uoy if sorplmeb i tdo'n lis'mayf uobat afcinanli. It ti ielk duosn 'deonts. Kmae s,ye it uoy 'tsi utre lbarye anc. Be a atth ot tll'i ofr heliw nteiounc ywa. ,tuufre tnlui hte bda uohtgrh hatw me xfi ufreut eosg 'yolul finainalc btu heost oyu learn ot tbhais, tnwa it ot od. Wlil i wath eltl pehpan uyo ca'tn. Erew the gsismin 'otdn utb ddi hitnk htat i joy, ouy ndginereist on ofr rehacp eziraeld erceip uoy wsa putilmle ahwt adny. Idd ton lnyo ityhuilm ubt hvea cfnneidoec, nto or ouy yuo ahve orpp,sue phe,o ntd'di. & - meeerrbm: ytixnae cecfindnoe luyiithm + ypatha peoh = + sreoupp.
& hepo frea + iecfennodc + pspoeru dbotu = lhtmiyui -.
+ oerppsu ro depri fdoneecicn - ehpo = stcuni)irseie ltyuimih + agoa(cernr.
Ahve i aerf, aiyexnt lal fo if depri, uyo imignss 'euyor eavh )erpousp on etsno dotn' ht,em adn osy(,rr. Who to dna lla anlre oock pu ehtos joy wiht dna lkaw get arnel esom hrhutgo it yuo e(c,syeh wlli inetgdinres )onkw i ot ogd.
.
Yaok up indm atc'n si't make yuo thta uory. Douhls drepay it ahve bauot yuo. But oyu lptr,lisyiua i nerev edehpl rqiuekc edn od uyo tkhni abtou it uoy ahwt uyo nryaigp uwvd'oel idd, ousdhl up if. Lilw htat you uyo rypa ueerniernrltape tipisr and rospta tlel ca hvae ouy an evro. Wtha will he nm,sae htat nokw tbu ouy ont'w. And lliw is wkro to adn tawh on ntkh,cei udersntand moes ot elnar onigg gleloce ouy ecdcineicno ton back nad ahtt lwli kgodimn in uoy iwll mroja eohcos uyo. Htiw leba lwli eb estmgionh in for nad ia/lalklwgcn dgo uyro sue si't to oyu. Eefl kie,l llwi sstiem,meo sltil iscisodne yuo yrou uhlagelba yguno, scuabee uyo rea are. Amrtet eag nto'sde tub. Urleosyf uyo frmo ,woldr yuo to will seitngt atapr kepe frnoogcnmi god peke fi hte. Kntih in goinklo a c,kab it,rgh taldno seens i aws. Rou uyo tsah't to lmfyia ubt newh itrwgin wkro itmsyri,n uurfte you si ofr shit ton here ntwa vnee. 010% like rae twha nweh you sa'wtn htta htis sea,kd o"d?gin on eavh uyo udlow yuo nad so ,rokw hpo 'dwuoevl eb ysuro ignod tisognhem ot you nbee i""ghnt adn htwa" do ellt ouy no nyrigt dda tdo'n elopep i wnta stuj ot ujst kinht tehre wree orf stwn'a they drboa to iknth. Ot he add ddni't 'sndote atnw esoi/ohcbevele dseo ihyntagn ouy stju in nad csbaeue. Ohw oully' dan rellya eilk, stuj go tills rae yuor but uoy pus uohgrht osild meiotnghs swodn imnd lliw ,for indf nad ,ryea cngahe a yuo cesbeau sthat'. Iwth dgo teh a,wsrne ouy wlil rvidpoe gtuohh. 'tis etpnacie atobu stju all.
.
The tsih eth ear luec n'tod ot fo iaengrd siutalpri uoy aehv ruo saw naedinehcr that lal ofr cmnigo twha n,wo nay dwersar aeorsn i ntngikhi erew. Dda hsat't urte si htta ubt enwh lkie ltsli it boaut n'odt omm eno gtnhi dan eulk tlsak. I rfo het ued shaw't wnok will imlyfa in neppha lgon tmhe it het or aekt ot to ggoin no tbu enovreey ot eb owh mase itme ni ntod' gaep,.
.
Ielk ioprswh go yre'uo to eefl oyu ewnh yhitgann ton god mrfo l'olyu inagerh tai,gipnn. Lefe hys wlli utoab it ilwl mmo tbu. Ndeo thaw uatob not rfo dgo ffo ouy sha hnoiwgs 'tsi mereremb,. Yuo mroe ruep aket have becmeo odg tub dan uoy eitm ry,uslieos rmoe wya liwl litls. Liss-upp iwtgnia uyo airmrgae eb teh fo lloingaw adn llwi altclyua otn iltl ortamencpi dsundngairnte. To icacertp ues conirmf oyu buao,t lliw i!t pirhtcpeo hte atph e,orm htat uyo eth in gtfi to dnetapi lliw be nda adn it nad udtsnndera a if,le uoy wlil to rlsupaiti odg hrea ti nad to ueryo' picee ptig,nnia meoc utb go oyur wlli on ackb kwno htat ahve hirtg o,wn hsprwio yuro y'lluo atrst ighnotn uhhgott. Alnre eltnlgi add obuta nsgi, ton to hsi uoy eeabcus ouy ot lpeca 'stath lliw roetfg tno. Hwen ot eh de'tnos rbameec uoy yuo htaw ti cemos etmrat seltl it owh lhoy rti,isp eht. Liwl and aerln nee,pxeiecr 'hastt onw you oruy htat. Dna ulpl to the ujses wgor eraisp ni uaebesc uotba gisn ot oyu ca loud you ot cndnocfeei hirsoginwp ilwl lwil kalt flee. As rgauit oto yuo kbca og gtihr uhmc tn'idd of teh to wno,. Hsatt' oyka. Wpsrhoi 'tsi eend uyo ot lefe itnhyagn otse'nd who ucbeeas it odg oyu aemn. Yydbano essl'e ont. Ofr lilw narwes to omse ot d,og otps sttar ti nealr as and ta glo-wnakiln esmco feyruols yuo ookginl oyu dda wneh llwi einmach ot nelra.
.
Dna onscdieis ot rnael keam oyru nrodgu won tands rouy to uyo ocem llwi. Waht also gte uoy ouy illw cna nlrae ot teka. Cra 20,$000 tihw rof ti just on lipobismes oru to i,snittoau aws anlncaiif vsae a ouy. Erteh uyb acr todaln ot adn a be ;,030$0 coihplceasdm form hlep lwli uyo fele orf davis ul'oly be. Adh lraen ouy ecmo hawt nsohgoci ryuoe' nithk ened llwi tahw a but ot ert,il tno what btu kpars uyo is g,thri uory lilw atth ot omec ran"taiitd"ol bnee oyu si ened uyo ecaerr. Uoy to nda do ilwl awht nwta oyu ,erlyoufs lwil esdnnuartd corvedis uoy.
.
Off naht oyu gte ikhnt fo esoorn you lliw lto myfcapo a. Seebauc hte to iicedratp lwil lsoa eygonlrou eb uoy ni a be dol osniurtoegl oot ewn sgieen trast 'loluy. 'sit het migco,n rieezus nggoi nhceag ouy adnrg to lam thsat'. A tol. Oerm eelf ilaruslipt;y thnigs rfom iongg a nstc;hiria ogign ogd to onit to yuo 'sit to orwg erdsie ullp yureo' u'llyo ot nad a ettber veig. Thas't kowr a ot eebusac utndresnda neve adn umeivctmoni thsi go dog eahv hwo uoyr'e ot onigg ostp w'tno yuo fro yarrep yuo dan to hpel calep nca tasfntrriomaev lyeosrfu trsneig iongg yuo reom,. Arnundtsed to nvee idngaer niodecm of tinves sginht het e'ruoy nad dan oemr ietm see iton nda drwo more ylaerlc sydigtun gngio dog.
.
Onggi wo;n wn,o ym tawh nwe etosiun:q res'he on atth's.
.
Flei onw wreeh are ni l?fei hsa atwh gdo rou yruo adn rdwoke raelcism adn uyo wne malfi'ys.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments