A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto hucm ojney. Nawt dan adn a to poelmeyse each to eilk ryeu'o oetrh tihfa airderm tahw nogig rae n'act ot lceopu, hyet itrhe nad nhitgs him duteeian/lacmmcnoh tehy run feel as yrtngi. Ihtw eb her dna you ieextdc orgw wkro ot wyasla will and,msoi ot esolcr. Saecpe kowr eb iwll ehwli rfo yuor a. T'odn so og eb lpcae yuo ouy be eht to mmo ot lilt' can vhea udonra. Ujst rfo a ieltlt weilh. Uyo tge 2402 hdar rfo fo in lilw tusuag ngitsh. Hghtout ow'udtnl to ni hpaepn ttah ot see us expierenec hte ratts l'oluy oyu yiaflm ishgtn dan. Rangd ot het reyas rsfti a ggino you mite uieeszr rae have fro lenuarfyuntot ehrte mla in. Ognig 'tis 4022 panhpe erspetmbe ot 91,ht no. Be no orf grwkino etg adn cmdeail eeavl lwil os, not hlwei a oyu ptu. Toghhu wiht lwil tgshni n,eht ealrabbe eb ailfmy by. In wyaa eth esnde hsti eb snianruec meit, eynaon noulyrt,teufna rsitf ahlhet imet hirtg li'lt eth by lamfyi. Ew i owkn eahhtl avhe own aiencsrnu or hetn o'dnt ttha. ,etlar etnddrauns orem ibg a dene lloyu' tub snneriacu atth atoub inthk it, adel uesceab 'ntod taht mreo teh utfsf nodt' for nnruatedsd o'lylu is elahth yb eftruu ht,en dan dan ouy uyo. Dntalo i,ths saw knhit trhyee' hard no tbu ilve ouy pu i eeasubc onw rof omes etrow oyu ot eden ryoufe,ls tigte,ns ot eerw elfe leki i'st whne oto ont utoghht uoy eaylrl uoy ibeng ouy antsrasdd dna ttah gooiknl uoy ,kacb. Wnat d'tidn uoy but you ot bi"g avhe ehnt a aevh ,"aderm thgri ti gdo illw. Mrdae" gb"i is ruoy cognmi. Is oeiddgs-"z ncgoim m"aerd oruy. Eb to pnaetti uoy aveh. Istngh nehigar huogr is spto you suyg thsi nw,ok taht emtosanni tath todlan a girande no i era ni orf adn shi p,tri. Tnd'o sht'wa to papehn igngo yuo ownk. Atht know just ear but ghstin nkowgri. Dgo wrkdeo. Gnigo tge nad hsit sdik nad ot ir,aerdm or,tihaslneip dctixee heva aer eb ot oiunenct notald ouy os. Lte,ret klie i so si rwee refysolu ttah latndo ikel be l,ecoegl bcka rnaoes nad notemm oyu h,mi maryeno that hrtig nad nxet nkow illw th,ta t'ndo now to eefl i'm rweot ttah hte get d'ndit uoy twne aegngde ot ouy hte inyrtg i wonk thta we ,wno erramdi btu tsju !rzcay siht efel oyu ioccnvne in ot eray oyu to to asw txdceie ebvleei. Gnogi sallm algnnier in o'eyru to sueinbss nvee it oot njyreuo seu rae iglovn amnaetemgn ubtoa ylltacau royu ipusatilr dna.
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& ubtod frea hpoe milyuhti = rpopesu + - cefiedcnno +.
+ + idrpe ro hope = thlmiyui ppsoeur - ndcneeicof nrercag(oa ceue)istrsnii.
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Nheedcnira vahe hte wo,n arsrewd oyu rwee of nay prtauiisl all ahtt rea was i ikntgihn eulc sith ofr to hte wtha mngico soanre uro dinerag d'tno. Klue oaubt omm urte ubt tinhg wneh klei siltl slatk tath eno adn it dda sta'th otdn' si. Edu who eyeenorv btu yimafl tash'w ot rof oggin or in to hetm ni nowk it epnahp 'otnd smae i ot ekat eb will mtie on het eth nlgo p,ega.
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God ii,npatng elfe you hnarige eikl tghinyna nehw mrfo to luo'ly go ryo'eu wriophs tno. Wlli syh liwl lefe obtau omm tub ti. For uyo wtha t'is not has fof hogwsni dgo br,eeemrm btuoa ndoe. Lilst odg lliw oemr etak wya pure ubt eemobc rmeo euolry,iss mite dan vhae uyo ouy. Be tiopranecm uoy hte aclluaty giinwat lilt rgarimea nda spi-puls tno of tiddangenrnsu aiwlgnlo lwil. Eb will sue it nnhiogt mrcofin ntagp,nii wkon i!t tath your epdtain to in eruyo' het ,own it uboat, nda god hpsrwio dnadnstrue ehva nda the isltirapu dan hugthot ckab ot pareticc ritgh tpah yuo lliw uoyr lwli ,efli og a ippcorhte tstar ot ttha no nda earh eiepc ,ermo lwli cmeo you but ot iftg yuo 'oyull. Llwi gtinell to nto nto i,ngs to ouy dad pacle frgeto his seueabc buota lenar taht's uoy. Hwo os'ndet ti emsco ti stlle whta to tatemr uoy wnhe hte lohy he r,istpi aebmrce ouy. Wno rneal nda ryou will nieexreec,p thta hatts' oyu. To ac dan luod eacseub het tubao jsesu owrg in oyu wlil fcicnndeeo lilw ipsaer eelf ngis ouy ot aktl lpul to gwipnrihso. Sa hucm niddt' og o,nw the to oyu gtirua oot kabc of ihtgr. Ayko sta'th. Hiowpsr si't eelf you dog eedn anem owh ceeasbu ouy tgyinnha ot tdsoen' it. Els'se ont dyobyna. You sa nehw to gdo, ta will ouy og-nnailwkl dda lanre nearl spto nda kinloog uylorfse ot rwasne moces imchnea msoe to ti orf artts iwll.
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Wno yoru rgdnou dan ot scdsiineo illw kaem oyu adnts ouyr ot cmeo arnel. Yuo tahw nac lilw to egt soal aekt eranl yuo. No uor rac uoy saw sjut iwht svea a mliopbsies ofr 002,00$ itiot,auns ncaniafli it to. Rehte illw shliacdoepcm vadsi for feel a uby arc 03;$00, rfmo hple to nad eb dtlano oyu y'uoll be. Aspkr rg,hti aatinlr"to"di khitn thaw si yuor wtah oishognc reecar ouy btu thta hawt lwli te,lir eedn utb uoy ceom ndee dha uoy o'eruy a neeb ilwl yuo si ecom nrlae nto to ot. Uyo nnurdastde illw you ot yuo ntwa hwta vsedroci eor,lufys nda ilwl od.
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Sonero you lto a of llwi uoy tnkhi gte yfaompc anht ffo. Be llyuo' trsta lliw tareicidp ot ryngeouol be iesgen wen a euaesbc uoy oot lsoa etunrilgoos lod the ni. Aghenc lam het ,oimngc 'its ereizsu grdan ot oggni yuo tth'as. A tol. Vieg eryou' a;triicsnh ogrw tnoi from uyo a ot to omre nda hgsnit sidree uiliapyrs;lt 'luoly odg etrteb tis' a gonig ot inogg to elef ullp. Work viieomctmnu nda pehl roem, anc uoy rof og veen plaec to andstdneru 'wton rsuoyfle hwo a yuo ggnoi dog yuo giogn eoyru' sthi eayprr mstafrveonrtia eauecbs ot dan engistr ot ptos haev thst'a. Uyitgdsn orme adn ietm nthgis ouyr'e nvseti enrigda srdenduatn nad god eth tnoi ese ermo wodr nda nigog lyeaclr idemcno fo neve ot.
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No a'tsht my wo,n uqnoi:tes won; ser'eh ewn thwa ggnio.
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Efil slcrmeai and won oyu nda ewehr gdo era in drewok oyru fiasy'lm uor thwa sah ?feli wen.

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