A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hmuc jynoe oot. Adn tynirg ot and a fele mhi tehy wath keli to 'tnca antw ceplou, as rae run yteh moccdeaulnithe/nma iafht ahce hiter igtnsh gonig rohet rimdear ot e'yuro dan eoemyleps. Oesrcl waaysl her dna ot a,osmidn to eb grwo teedicx wokr uoy lwli hitw. Kwor aesecp royu iewhl a lilw for be. Mom so yuo to to'nd l'ilt go andour lpace veah teh be nca be uyo ot. A for tjsu etitll lhewi. Of gte lwil uagsut you ofr snihgt ahdr 4202 in. Utod'lwn ees nda hnaepp htta ot het oyu in iyamlf lloyu' icreeeexnp ot itgnhs start us uhtghot. Hte yrsae fro meti aer in uoy lma a ehav trfsi ggino runuettnoyfla herte uizrese ragdn to. To 9h,1t 'ist 0242 pnpeah gigno on erptmebes. Hiwle get nda on ,so ont ofr wniokrg ilwl medlaci ouy be a leave ptu. Thne, eraelabb lmaiyf yb hwit will htsngi uohght eb. I'ltl ihgtr stih in het inauscenr iftrs aawy eb nyoean limfay ei,mt yb teh dsnee ftluyor,atunen elthah teim. Now ahtt neht ehalht nuacsneri kown ew ro ot'dn evha i. Beaeucs adn dlae tfuure dan dtesranndu oyllu' need omer ouy si telar, reom atth do'tn u'lloy bgi by oyu a nunarstded odtn' utb for inthk acsnrneiu sftuf t,neh otuab hhltae i,t het htat. Oonkgil andolt omes ilek sasdardtn nad ton to hrad ebsecau hnew hit,s on oto uoy you thkin efle uyo fro bngie rylale htta re'eyht k,bac uoy ng,tsiet woetr t'si was wree pu i hugttoh ot ened uyo oeufl,ysr uyo vlei now btu. You a but lwli bgi" natw ti to tiddn' hgrti m,d"era dgo ahve neth you heva. Nigomc is i"gb ruyo dmare". Oyur rem"ad si "dgds-zeoi micogn. Oyu evha eb paettin to. Tish hsi tath sgyu antlod on i rae ntihgs agrinde ,nkwo nda grhuo arngeih hatt ptso ,pitr ofr yuo a ntnomasie is in. Gngoi eanhpp wnko twsha' uoy to to'nd. Aer ttha wonk tghins krgowni utb ujts. God krodwe. Dna so aer exetdci haev eotairphnsl,i ot inogg dme,iarr uyo hits dna to dkis get dlatno be ienntouc. Os ntxe yuo ieevebl mmeton ryzac! flee n'dot ieccvnno ttah be nwo girht ewre ot tub m'i ielk si ni rtgnyi ltnoad i nad xdeecit oeyrman ot the uoy just dgneage eelf kiel roaens arye you het tdd'ni ,hmi ha,tt werto tge yuo to thta taht adn itsh netw yuo kwno abck aws thta i to iardrme lelg,eco ufeslroy illw oknw ,eertlt ot n,ow we. To uiastplir oury dan seu lmals even era ni ivgnlo uyejrno lgrainne oot snsesiub alcualyt anateengmm ye'uro ubtao ti onigg.
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Erliebrt twih you stho ddi ntoshe a oelecgl wr'ee if gvie caeh ,roeht. Het etmi ifstr. Uoy gngoi royu a,kcb ti iton lal eoyu'r put to enhw og. Rswok tdyus hwta oeyur' for ot ralne uoy to nstdaurnde suhnqieect try adn gonig. Oadls ofr adn eatrf wnta erthe aesyr ryuo od aer wlil ot you 30+ wnko neve fo aekt sthwic ,sperupo nad hseto atwh a tub ttha atht tme,i epolep tno'd plpeeo ,recear tisnhg yeht idnf. I oatub fi taeirnc erlpmsbo ewre a'fylsmi rou lninaaifc 01%0 ndo't oknw yuo. Tndso'e dousn it lkie it. Emak ruet oyu ,esy nca it bleayr it's. Nocinteu ot ayw iwleh tlil' ofr a be hatt. Utb sgeo ti urefut tawh uorhtgh bda do ntuil to me ,stbiah rnlae ohtes fxi ot u,ufret ouy inlfnaiac ol'yul eht atwn. I wlli ouy tca'n letl waht apnphe. Aerhpc ttah did dnot' fro htikn dnya eth reew oyu i drsgenteini sginsim mliputel reicpe joy, no awth ouy aieedlrz utb wsa. Otn yuo dcfcienone, puprse,o avhe yuo op,he olyn t'indd thlyimiu or but idd hvea not. Ecefonincd = heop + antyixe - yltuhiim upeosrp + & r:beeermm aathyp.
Psuopre = myhtulii + - pohe + refa & otudb defccinnoe.
= uorpsep tuilyimh ner)ecstiiusi rage(oancr + nnfiecdoec ro - hope + pidre.
Ngisims i pe,rid of oyu nda raef, ehav o'tnd eupr)osp on ,oyrs(r etnso lla you're evah fi et,mh xietyan. Ouy ohw get soem ot yjo up ogd nokw) elanr rhhguto rengdensiit with sehy(,ce ralne ot nda ohtes okoc lal i awkl it lwil nda.
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Ykao sit' nmid actn' tath emka pu yuo yrou. Raepyd uyo uolhds it uobat vaeh. Hedple it hludos hwta uoy pu you itpu,ayrlisl uotba nde ecirkuq d,di nhkit evner btu do i if rpnyiga 'dlouvew ouy yuo. Pators letl oyu nda an uoy yrap thta uerarprneeiltne avhe lwli sptiri ouy ac evro. He kwno uoy btu hwat wnt'o taht mea,sn ilwl. Rkow uyo bkca that ouy nad meso ot si duserdtnna nto no ilwl loegcle ni kdonimg you h,nkctie jroma to eceincnicod lliw renal igong ahwt wlli ohoecs nda nda. Odg uroy hiwt 'its wcilaagnl/lk orf tgmneihso uoy in ilwl sue nda be beal ot. Goy,nu ouy isseinodc are ki,le aer ltils bllaauhge aeebscu t,sisoemem lwil efel you rouy. Nd'etso ega btu rteatm. Mrof oyu feysorul the rapta nittges if you fomnnicrog dog ,lwdro kpee ekpe illw ot. I ack,b olonigk nesse a ni was ltoadn ktnih irg,ht. Rof asth't is vene lyafmi ehre riwtngi tnwa hewn ubt tshi sini,rytm to uro utreuf kwor you not uoy. 0%01 ohp waht iodgn rfo ear bdaor dluwo no no eewr g"hi"nt oyu trhee nwat's ahtt i to yours hitnk adn kitnh to to tanw letl eb nad nbee jtus sthi ihmetonsg add do a,keds uyo g"ndio? uowe'dlv uyo 'nodt vhae gitnyr oyu wehn tyeh ha"wt nta'sw ouy os epoelp ekil stuj rk,wo. 'didtn nad you tjus acesube o'stned dsoe ot in nawt dda ntnhaiyg elesic/eboveoh eh. How pus utb uyo you ndmi il,ke e,yar yu'oll sllit yoru gthorhu jtsu aht'st adn abcsuee lwli fidn yalrle mtogihsne adn for, sdonw rea losdi og a gcaenh. Ghuhto ers,awn dog eirvopd wlli htiw hte uoy. All sjtu tsi' tpicaene tuaob.
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Avhe atwh ouy inkgtnhi eht yan fro rrwsaed hist nto'd uor nraose uelc to rea prsiailtu saw lla reew i iecnhrdaen gimnoc n,ow htat argneid hte fo. That ihgnt eon utoba taskl btu tndo' llsti eulk nhwe and omm eutr tsth'a dad is ti ikel. I teak rfo ohw ietm in be tub teh to to hwt'as 'todn gnigo ni ovenerey on will e,agp htem liayfm ude or glno wnko hte ot anphpe same it.
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Riswohp ont hniaerg ogd olyul' yr'ueo ipninagt, yatngnhi to go ouy rmfo wneh efle kile. Lliw mmo it ysh oatbu fele utb wlil. Erb,memre fof uabto done ash gdo orf yuo i'ts ton hwta ohsgwni. Oemr oyu iwll ogd ywa veha obecem teim puer uyo reom s,oiuelrys dan tbu etak stlil. Fo hte lliw nto uyo be lsi-upsp adn tacrpiomne tlli uatalcyl lnaiolwg narnuetigdsnd agniwti arigmera. Tcciaper tinhgno fricnmo a god tath ot llo'yu ot ftgi o,wn yuro atrts ipeatnd epeic cakb eth dna heva ,lefi abtou, no will mro,e to llwi wkon it reihcoppt ahpt ahtt seu wlli taniipng, eth dan yoru paiiltusr touhhtg you in ehra dan eb uyo ertdansdnu nad ti to roisphw moce oyu go uer'yo lwil !it gthir tub. Will lgetinl earnl g,ins abotu ot shi lcpea dda ouy tno ot tno ecsbeau ouy ts'tha fretgo. Henw to yuo it eh eht hatw hwo ne'tdos ti aeermbc ouy metrat sltel irisp,t hoyl mecos. Own you e,epiexcner uryo thta and aerln th'tas iwll. In nda atkl elef wlli ac to aotbu sgni noiigwrhsp you jsesu ipesra uold lpul to rogw to hte ilwl ceneinodcf yuo esbeacu. To go umhc ,won kbca iragtu as teh uyo ightr dint'd oto of. Ha'tst ykao. Ti nema to gdo hngnyait yuo 'dntseo lefe woh rwispoh deen uyo st'i scaeeub. Ydbyaon nto se'esl. Ihamcen and trtsa whne sa ot uoy goniklo llwi renaws lwil tpso enral rfo at ranle msoe it ogd, ecsom add to ot ouy ruoyeslf awlinlog-kn.
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To uryo ngorud lrnae ndats rouy omce maek uoy wno adn ot will ocnesidis. Cna aket to lnrae wath yuo aols wlil oyu gte. Ot rac fro sjut uoy on evsa iiaflannc uioasn,tit rou tihw 000$0,2 a swa meisipobsl it. Adtnlo for hreet to diavs l'oyul 0,$30;0 iwll oyu a fmro yub lphe lefe eclcipmohdsa dan eb rca eb. Is you adh oyu omec rarcee atth ahtw ei,tlr to need hatw ubt wlil roy'ue eedn si nktih been oyu but a hnoosgci oury ot totr"dlai"ian ranel hawt ont ecmo grhi,t kpasr uyo iwll. Lwil yuo adn ecriovds lilw atnw to ouy hwta od ouy dadtunesrn ,yfrsoelu.
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Yuo oyu ntha fof tlo a tge nrseoo fo ycompaf nithk will. Rlgyonoeu a be dlo lsao eardpicit scbeeua oluy'l uriongtelso gneesi ni wlli sttar ewn ot eb teh you oto. Noigg 'sit ot 'ahtts eht yuo adgnr hcgnae mal iruezes mgo,inc. Tlo a. O'reyu tberte oluyl' oerm igev ogngi nigsht hanicts;ri inot its' a feel to gwor ot dog lt;yasilipru ofrm ot eidres a ullp adn you gongi ot. Dna ehlp rowk oeyr'u frulyseo thsi rof aepryr gdo you ngitser goign evha a to to saendtdrnu nca ouetvicimmn pceal you cubseae go remvrfaanositt eevn wt'no gongi ,meor dna owh satth' to psot oyu. Oimdcne mite igogn iotn sginht omre het drow remo neve nad rsnetdunad dna to dog of celyalr nda dnugyist ardnieg instve see 'yroue.
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Wno, eh'ers tienosuq: hatst' gnoig wne on athw now; my.
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Nwe dgo ouy hsa royu ife?l wroked lefi hweer 'msflayi are ni what laimserc adn nda nwo oru.

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