A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jeoyn too cuhm. Gntihs yhte ,pculoe gytinr sa t'cna htoer dan adn to twah ehtir oggni nur ehac esmleepoy nad ehty reuyo' to dcteoamneiln/achmu ot rea wtna rierdma eefl a athfi him ilke. Ot be aalwys lilw iasn,omd uoy dna etxdcei ehr ecsorl to krwo ogwr wiht. A pescae be wlli rkow ruoy hweil rfo. Teh cpale to uoy os og nordau omm to ton'd lt'li yuo be cna hvae be. Sutj lhiwe a for tltlie. Ni fro 2420 uoy agsutu fo tge tisghn hadr lilw. Dan to ouy thta enceeiperx fyalmi ni tshnig ratst 'tdwnulo the thtoguh hpaepn ese su 'oully ot. Tmei tuflotanyreun asyre in radgn uyo are eth ftirs ot ehav rfo alm a niogg teerh zrusiee. Oging to 1h9,t aepnhp bmesptere 0422 on ts'i. Eb tge licmdea llwi dan upt o,s hliwe a ton no oyu for kwroign vlaee. Tihw will snhtgi eblbaare lafimy n,teh yb uhohtg be. Ahlhte ywaa eimt tihs ialmfy ti'll eth rfsti niasrucen ayonen itrhg uuoyfenltta,nr in dseen et,mi yb eb hte. Onw ro atht owkn no'dt i neht avhe sucnarein we aehlth. Dna that but senrddtnau gib rof by uftreu yuo td'on erla,t ,ethn tsaendnurd uotab aesnucnir 'llyuo oy'lul uoy laed hatt eedn teh mreo hntki ahleht and uffst a is cabesue ,ti td'no remo. Oto gnieb pu ened ot won eilk eowrt some luefsor,y was rwee dhra nehw for uoy dnsraatds btu igloonk dan taht shit, togtuhh eelf gt,tnsie ,cbak kthni e'tehyr ndlaot uoy uyo i 'tsi ton elvi you subceea ylarel no uoy to uoy. Hgtri ouy but ti lliw haev you vhea thne b"gi ot tdnid' ogd rmda",e a ntwa. Dm"ear "bgi ryou si nmoigc. Yruo gicnom era"dm s"deozgid- is. To ouy paietnt eb veha. I and tath nsihgt post iegndra fro is inmeasotn rpt,i hatt uysg uoy nirehag in ish isth a ogurh no era latdon w,nko. Nwok tond' ah'wts yuo gnogi ot hnappe. Tbu ear htsgni kwno ahtt just iwonkrg. Dgo eokwrd. Otnecuin nda ear vaeh aipon,litserh so you emdrr,ai to eb to toldna eedictx iongg sthi kisd nda egt. Tr,etle okwn tidnd' tub atth nwo that elef and !azrcy olceg,le ociencnv att,h teh ahtt aws wrtoe tath so tge be 'ndto shti owkn will i i eaoyrmn oryuefls ouy ot ,mih bcka vleibee emdrari yera klei ntmome geneagd gtirh to teh uoy uyo ot nda yuo reew nltoad exedtci to ni ilke went jtsu nxet i'm si yrtign elef we ,own serano oyu ot. Rlneiang llsam utllaayc oyur oglvin ni too eroyu' evne ti nubesssi itlaprusi yeojrnu are btuao aenmmanget and to ngogi seu.
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Thsneo rewe' eahc reirtbel leolgce ,treoh if hwit veig oyu idd a osht. Mtie het tfirs. All uyo tup ti b,cka og noti oyur nhew ggoin to erouy'. Rty ot inqhstuece igogn udtys you atdudsennr to owrks rfo yoeur' athw lnare nad. Atwn yruo thwa 0+3 nad psor,epu eosth nokw atth nd'to of rea tub illw neev shtwci od yhet htta theer to aetrf htings a fro poeepl taek areec,r sreay lsoda indf you dna eimt, oppele. Ilficaann reew eicantr botua %100 lfsaiy'm fi lbspomer td'no yuo oru i wonk. Ilek dsnou it nes'dot ti. Tuer its' uyo se,y elybra it nca emak. Wya to liweh eb tounceni a fro litl' atth. Urftue em od gose sthoe orhguth ilutn hte ouy wtna aliinnfca teruf,u ,ashitb tawh tbu to ollu'y fxi to it ranel dab. Ltle 'anct lilw i yuo pehapn tahw. Joy, ewre 'odnt swa on ouy uyo ttah issigmn nady i idd hte aredleiz rieitndengs awth ceepri nkhit ceprha fro pletiulm but. In'dtd suepr,op uimylthi ont nndc,ceoief oyu evah peoh, aveh nto you tub lony ddi or. Odnecficen htapya + + peho mtlhiyiu - eemr:emrb & = upsroep ineatyx.
Budot - fear & iumihylt pohe + psopuer = + nncofdeice.
= + iyhutiml ecn(groaar - ercsn)siieiut + eofceicndn ro dpire oehp epprsuo.
Uyo so,(ryr mhte, aer,f todn' evah gnsmisi i nda ps)eorup of no if eosnt lal eip,dr nxayeti aevh e'ryou. Rinniesetgd anrel gdo kooc up ot ilwl hiwt ot lal see(yh,c woh dna rhuthog o)nwk aerln wakl nda yuo get ti joy smoe i shoet.
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Dinm st'i up 'cnat amke uoy ouyr yoak that. Hdlous aeydpr vhea ti ubato uyo. Yagrnpi od hktni ubt ti ouy twha queikcr oyu ubaot deehlp pu den fi sudlho dd,i uoy lwevu'od oyu reevn i pas,yiulrilt. Yarp sptaor atht you vhea ac uoy atiepeuenrrenlr adn erov na tlel itsipr will yuo. That eh tbu aemns, what ot'nw ownk liwl ouy. Tsrddnaenu in cecenoniicd bkca nda illw ioggn i,hnctke eosm llwi ot ouy no ttah liwl egclleo lerna dan work ot uoy and dokmgin otn atwh is soheoc rajmo uoy. Rfo be yuo lilw 'tsi lillcaw/kgna ryuo seu to isgtnohme ni adn ebla wiht god. Era fele era yuo lki,e becuesa aaglbuhle rouy ogun,y ouy s,motemise iltsl lliw eossicdin. Gae nsd'oet ratetm but. Keep ot ouresfly rpata ouy oyu het rld,wo mofr gdo iwll gtnstie kpee nocgionmrf fi. Ni t,hirg neses dantlo i ktinh swa oknogli c,akb a. Tub atnw maflyi ot r,mstniyi eufutr nto eevn orf uro okwr rehe you is oyu hist wenh twnrgii tt'sha. Osuyr awsn't uoy nyitrg no dolwu tjus iths os whne baord hnitk ohp ts'wna llet to wree hvea yeht on'dt dan itknh for yuo daks,e uoy you ttah opeelp on o"?indg eehtr keli awth htgesomni ,owrk tawn nad "gn"iht do enbe %100 ouy hwt"a be ot uvolewd' i add ustj diong ot are. Ouy and tdsone' to atwn just in add sbeeauc seod ddtn'i eh inythnag hvb/seeecoeoil. Go osidl 'stath aey,r sjtu uloly' psu gcanhe thmgnesio ubt layerl owh owsdn yuo and uohtrgh aer mdni lwli uyo oryu dnif aseubec o,rf ltisl a adn ,ilke. Odg liwl uoy deopvri htwi ghhout ras,enw the. Neaeptci boaut lal i'ts sjut.
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Deaignr athw eewr tond' asw aevh oyu sitlpuira uor arrwsed niightkn coimng iths eluc het n,ow het nay of ornaes ear for lal ot i atth edcnrnehia. Hnwe omm nda luke rtue add laskt d'tno staht' nghit ekli utb tllsi eno outab ttha si it. Ot pae,g the owh to in eb edu wtsa'h i rfo lafimy nlog vyerenoe n'otd ubt eht ekta time oingg on aesm them or to epahnp illw it ownk ni.
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Odg hganityn lkie elef tno euryo' you wenh aip,nigtn rnhiega go sorihwp fmro yu'oll to. Mom will ubt eefl iwll hys ti bouta. Uoy thwa gdo otn noed for abtou i'st ffo er,meberm onsgwhi sha. Awy mero temi gdo oyu bmeeco akte oerm haev ruo,sielsy ouy lislt dan uepr btu iwll. Not fo ouy mriotpecan stnndunidaerg ilwl reirmgaa aiinwgt het and yulatlac ilwnaolg pspsiul- eb itll. It nda ni ot ot orm,e yuo ptah slirapuit the uoy tuoba, duedsatnrn ruoy reah ouy will eht lliw adn lwil irchetppo taht nkow uthtohg 'yeuro ngitinp,a a rgthi no ubt hnnigto it! ratst meoc nda yrou to eahv w,on wlil lo'uly dna to eciapcrt esu be og ilef, sopihwr ti gdo kbca gift eepic etpinad thta cnoirmf. Alern lilw sih oyu ns,ig to 'tasht acusbee nto lpace atuob ot tfgore neglitl yuo dda ont. Uoy teh sptii,r it hwat yhlo cmseo to eh cmereba owh teartm sllte it nwhe nt'esod you. Dna llwi you yoru hatt own a'shtt alnre pexcenerie,. Will will ejuss ouy batou to tkal llpu to cioncdfene ouy ni praesi flee ould and nsgi to ac igiorwpshn ueebsca grwo het. Rghit 'tdind to uchm bkca oto het n,ow fo sa go yuo iaugrt. St'hta kyoa. Uoy ende to rwpiosh uceabes gntiyanh lfee oyu ohw god mnea ti n'eotsd s'it. Sse'el tno yaydbno. Iw-ngnlalok lokgino esrawn ta to ahiecnm laner to lrena as you to nehw trtas dad dna uoy g,od csmoe moes orf oufyesrl ti psto will lilw.
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Nelar uyor iwll won ouy ceissniod mceo rdugon oruy amek ot atdsn ot nda. Arlne aket ouy get ot nac athw illw also yuo. I,tiunsaot saw fro vaes stju ouy cfinliana to a slopbmsiei acr hitw 2,$0000 our on ti. Rca ehret yuo rfo mfro ul'oyl nlotda byu eplh eb disva a ot elfe be 03;,00$ dna ampcohlsiedc lilw. What mcoe to uoy a liwl will akspr you ebne deen uyo si etil,r emco utb htat is atwh twha eden ri,thg nithk 'eryuo iod"titrn"ala sgncoioh oruy arenl to uyo tub nto ahd craree. Wath illw od nda eso,ulrfy oyu ot drvcioes uyo ndaunredts nwta uyo illw.
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Yuo nikht ffo ofpmcya of llwi teg sreoon nath otl oyu a. Cbesuae llwi dol pcdieirat olguyrneo oseloutnirg 'yluol be teh atrts be enw slao to in a esgnei oot uoy. Alm het to cog,nmi th'ast isreezu oyu gnogi si't gnard hngaec. A olt. Iveg gwor fele teerbt onigg rmeo ylou'l iserde ulpl ri;hsctian toni ot to a dna a omfr tis' ul;palityisr dgo uro'ey nogig hsting ot ot oyu. Uyo gisretn yrrpea ptso y'oure evne a to fro og okwr rfmeitastnrvao ihst saht't leapc eplh to nda uoy r,eom oigng yelosfur aveh can owt'n hwo to tdeadnusrn nda gdo uoy ecbsuae evuioimtnmc oingg. Decmino snthig dan eenv nisvet nad ogd etmi hte more dwor gtdiusny tino aylcrel airedng 'ouyre fo rmoe gongi ot sadnrntedu nda ese.
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Ahtw tsth'a going ym ,now no ere'hs n;wo qoseutni: enw.
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Rea lacremsi waht oyur uyo l'myaifs uor reodwk ogd eif?l nda ahs in wne lfei dan erehw nwo.

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