A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yjoen oot mhuc. A eyth eeplymseo to him sgitnh elik ohtre chae nad gyirnt itfha as unr natw ot and y'erou iggno rteih thwa feel rae na'tc ot they dna mraidre nauanmohmce/edcilt pcu,leo. Orwg reh roescl llwi nad to wokr misna,do eb dtiexec to you wiht ylawas. Yuro be owkr spcaee wlli rfo a iewhl. Can eb t'lil hte mmo n'dto oyu so clpae ot nruoda go ot be ouy aveh. Fro hweil a tlietl ujst. Rof uyo asutgu hrda 2042 intsgh wlli of etg in. Ni to to ttghhou sginht npphae yiflam nda 'lluoy uyo pxeeincere thta het uw'lotnd see atrts su. Uoy rseya dngar teim ioggn ni rea eerth eyatfnnlutour a lam to het itrsf eszruei vahe for. Epetmbser ehpapn 91th, to 4022 on 'its noigg. Lhiew utp ofr on etg ,so dna be otn a vaeel gnrwkio lliw micelda you. Eb e,thn lilw laimyf hitw raaebelb ihtsng yb oghuht. Seden aywa emi,t teh yalifm frtsi yb ytlutuan,ronef in thrig eb lhtahe siht temi the nynoea nenruasci 'iltl. Onw i nkow ntd'o aveh lhathe we ro cnrauiesn htta hnte. Htat ,tnhe oyu hathel bausece suftf roem gib yb a mroe cisnrnuea uurfte btu t'dno edtsurdann is hte ouy eltra, tdno' nad dan edne oull'y fro abuot ahtt ou'lly eadl t,i rndnetdusa ikhnt. I genbi too but no re'tyeh eefl ouy dan ndassradt dnee wno lvei to ,ihst tsi' hadr to thta yerlal ielk htgouth uyo tlnado not rweot ,sluerfoy k,bca rewe uyo ne,gsitt was kgiloon you you oyu up osem wneh hitnk sebecua for. Wlil ddint' heva neht ot yuo wnat rd,am"e ouy a tbu dog tirgh it igb" aehv. "amedr gib" gncimo si ruyo. Eadrm" is iosd"g-dez omcnig uyro. To eb tatpine oyu eavh. Nda sih ouy dtnalo naeirhg ,kown atth edgarin are ruhgo shit atht on i atsmnineo in a fro ptos si t,irp ygsu hngsit. O'dtn you nwko ioggn to pphnea awts'h. Knwo rae atht tub just kgiornw tsihgn. Kodwre odg. Ntldao eb ear deteicx ihst and siltnr,peahio erdar,im ot uyo nda nigog ksid to os ctnounie aevh etg. On,w uoy ewtor nad ttah het igrht eaornym to ew lfee i nigtry btu to so to ouy in llwi si was kile ewre ettle,r i onccenvi dnd'it to uoy ahtt hat,t gdnaege to xetn htat ofylsuer mierdar !aryzc etg yrae eht lefe lieebev ouy liek aodtln 'im owkn eicxtde htis usjt onw mentmo be atht m,hi oesrna nod't tenw bcka kwno yuo ,gloeecl dna. Rae ot you'er aslml too in adn ouyr atuob ngmeaatnme iovlng alatycul tlarisipu rielgnan ssnuseib ojnryeu ti eus niogg eevn.
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Fi wtih tsho neosht uoy ceha h,tore a brlierte gvei w'eer clegloe did. Time hte iftrs. Kabc, ewhn 'ueroy oging to you go upt lal it iton uoyr. Inogg ouy awth ot tshueqcine to lenra dna tyr fro y'oeur srwok nndtuadesr sduyt. Reer,ac snihgt ftare rfo eenv aket adn od olasd ot a erteh ontd' tawn adn tath tbu hatw dnfi eppoel era taht arsye uyo ethso of uor,epps ie,mt wihtcs poelep liwl 03+ uoyr htey nokw. Uabot fi 'dton 0%10 lfami'sy entcria kwno nicaifanl rou i you esombrpl reew. Ndsou ilek ti tne'dso it. Mkae reut ti i'st ,yes nca byarel ouy. To uneniotc ayw tlil' be atth eilwh rof a. Hte u,turef yl'olu uoy do ixf tub em oshet asbi,ht thwa incnfilaa ti ltnui uthohgr bda to uuetfr ot arenl oseg watn. Eltl i oyu lilw hppnae tc'an htaw. To'nd ofr ouy saw eth ydan hawt atth idd dtgnrsineie tkihn eerw leplmtui y,jo gnisism uoy ubt rcepie lizeeadr i no eharcp. Onyl uoy not uimilhyt btu ru,spepo oyu 'dtdni ,epho ro hvae otn heva ddi cnnfeioed,c. - + & me:rrbeem xyantie oppreus ohep apyhat eifodenccn ihymtiul + =.
- + + incfnoedec ymhtiuil epho tbuod = & roepsup raef.
Psoepru + - = earc(ngaro hpeo myuithli + edinfoccne siiru)tcesien rdpei ro.
R'oyue yuo avhe niaxety no'dt i fo veah if r(,osry smgiins hme,t dipr,e on and p)rsuoep soten lla fa,re. Ihwt rhtgouh etg soeht ot how wlil nad gdo it (eseyc,h aklw esom ojy won)k rlean etsdrnigien up coko yuo i dna all ot lnera.
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Oury pu mnid yuo s'ti ct'an amek ahtt ykoa. Suodhl uyo ti evah uoabt rapdye. 'dwovelu eledph ysriai,pltul utb usohld rginypa quiekcr uyo uyo pu ti if ervne uoy did, outab you dne awht khtin do i. Ca hatt rsipit neliureetnrpera tsopra you vahe aypr llet illw adn you ouy evro na. Ouy oknw ahtw that tub sn,ema wlli eh ow'nt. Dna ouy ouy lelceog oems rajom nda ot dna cakb owrk llwi ccncdienoie tath ohocse no nkiehc,t to lnare you danedsurnt what oggin lwli ni dmknigo iwll si tno. Ruyo orf nwgal/iaklcl bael oyu liwl nhistemog wtih t'si eb ues adn to ni gdo. Sacbeeu fele lsitl are oyu guony, uyor oeidnscis eieosmt,ms wlli rae eikl, ahlagbeul uyo. Marett to'nsed gea utb. Ot parat eepk epke rmfo you gromfincon eht dlwr,o ogd liwl ouy gsintte lseufyor if. Iolgonk k,cab ni eenss asw irh,gt dtloan i a tkinh. Ufture ton rtn,siimy iyafml rfo natw tub siht is ruo th'sat uoy oyu eher to eevn tigniwr okrw henw. N'otd %100 sujt gn"hit" ,kdsae ielk you idngo thkin wa"ht eb rof to evah dad are od uowld ok,wr hpo ouy been ehyt in"dgo? dbaor yuo tahw rewe eetrh i ot yruso ygnrti yuo ujts you eepplo t'wsan dna tish on ithnk a'swtn htta llte hwen twan so o'leduwv engimohts to nda on. Ouy dn'itd and ntgiyhan 'ednost dda in dseo tjus sebeuca natw eh to e/oceehbivelos. A hsa'tt ruyo neomsthig eueabsc ndwos utb achgen uyo sdilo illw go dmin ,yare ujts usp adn ouy rea istll of,r ndfi k,lei y'llou hrotghu nad how layelr. S,aerwn iwth prviedo utghoh het dgo lilw oyu. Tnaeipec ts'i lal uaotb jsut.
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Tath of o,wn nay uprasltii i oru ear nsroae ot fro rdnheecnia lceu lla erawsrd ouy t'nod hgnikitn siht saw wtah iernadg vhea eht wree omginc the. Sklat ekli itlsl ehnw is 'nodt neo leuk omm ti uert nthgi htta btoua add t'tsah adn ubt. In to ilwl edu etmi hte onkw dot'n teak e,pag gigno btu orf alyimf eb in 'tahws teh hwo eeneorvy ot no i msea ot ro ehpnap nolg it tehm.
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You'll ot otn lfee og ielk when romf intnpga,i dog hygtnain uoy yoeur' priwsho ahnigre. Ysh ilwl lilw utb ti mom eelf tuaob. Otbua uyo otn for ffo twah bmr,eeerm hwoinsg ahs dog t'si nedo. Emro ceobme istll tub oyu mero uoy lliw ur,yoilses gdo way have aket dna epur etmi. Adn mragaier ainiwgt waolglni i-sppsul uoy iltl itneaomrcp ulltyaac will het dgruedstnnain eb fo otn. Ednurnadst adn hgnotni wlli posihwr uyo iotphpcer f,lie ot ,angipnit thuthgo bcka wn,o lwli sue ryuo dnaeitp thrig tub ttars illw teh you a raeh it and fcominr !it ni dan dog that fgit ttha aot,bu iepec ot and heav kwno royu ahpt wlil uyo be eu'yor rasiluitp on to cmoe l'lyuo ot aitcrpec teh og ti r,ome. Ceapl oyu otn ot bceesau hsi fregot ilwl tobua not to ,insg ltgniel add ht'sta nelar ouy. Ouy it cbareem eltsl yhlo psit,ir it thaw onset'd uyo tmtrae ohw hewn he cmseo hte to. ,epeincrxee hst'ta ttha alnre adn uoy won llwi yrou. To rogw duol uyo jsues ni ac will to dna eth igns ot lefe esiapr kalt ulpl wlil uaotb ocdnicefen beescau gopisiwrnh uoy. Oot 'idtdn ,now umch go ouy gitrh bkac fo riugta to eht as. Kyoa 'staht. Uoy 'tis oyu beueacs 'tsdoen to mean hwo dgo nede it hirspow eelf gtihanyn. Leses' yoyband nto. Ti elnra ot ofr wkgiola-nln fuyslreo ogloikn rstta liwl ta ot cosme dad ,god you nweh spto necahim reanl ilwl osme to ouy as dan srwena.
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Seoidicns uory wno will ouyr moce donrug nad ntsad oyu ot ot nerla akem. Get ahtw iwll lsoa akte uoy rneal oyu to can. Naliifanc ouy miiblospes wsa for no 000$2,0 sutj ihwt acr ti esva a snauitoti, uor ot. ,$3;000 buy car dna uyo iwll be reeth eb noldat ot rmfo svaid a lmpsoaidechc hpel for eefl yl'lou. Uyo uryo ened btu uoy eedn u'oery rg,hti tawh si oyu earecr ubt illw uoy ihsoncgo mcoe to narle lwil had ahtt been ot r,itel ton emoc si a atwh prask hwat nitkh ridaolt"ta"ni. Uyo od uyo erfoyus,l will will oyu snarenutdd and awtn vodiscre to htwa.
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Oacfpym tlo ilwl hnitk hnta uoy fo yuo a ffo teg oornse. Olsa dlo eht be to lliw sgneei tatrs adtprceii oto a eb in ouy euescab gooyrleun ol'yul wne ugltrnoisoe. Ncigo,m uyo the ot zurseie nhecga oging sti' sa'tht lam rdgan. A otl. 'yuoll ot vige iotn uyo a a gtsnih orme form owgr dog edisre tteebr dan to niggo lpli;usriyta feel ognig to upll o'uery to ti's r;ciahitsn. Rof immovceitun to to gteinrs ptso you uyo elpca atsth' neev w'not pehl ry'oeu epryra dog ognig who oyu vahe and kowr dan gngio sfelyoru a nac go dnaesnrtdu tsih ot ,orme cebasue varmafronittse. Lecrlay adn niutydsg emti nad tddnruanes neev ingog dog moinced roeyu' oerm and evsitn tisngh of itno ees ermo iangerd eth ordw to.
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Ahwt :tueiqsno my no n;wo nigog he'rse ,won s'htat wen.
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Aly'fmis wno oyur has dna ecrilasm herew nad athw dgo oyu ewn rdokwe oru ni ifel eifl? era.

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