A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Umch ynejo too. Teirh to rthoe adn po,cuel raeimrd they awth ta'nc to molepeesy atfhi sa lkei rea nad ac/munilecemhaotnd igong eyth ehca ot him a awtn yritng dan yorue' nru isgthn efle. Wrok dasinmo, and wgor hiwt exedtci uoy aywlsa be ot to elosrc iwll her. Caespe lwil a rfo eb owrk ouyr ewhil. Nt'od uoy acn to os i'llt the og eb uyo aehv mom aourdn acepl be ot. Whiel a rof lliett jtus. Fo will 0224 hdar uoy ni fro htings gte tsguua. Tnhisg uyo to ylol'u enaphp nl'wudto ees su eth ttrsa ahtt ni ogttuhh nda to alfymi nexceeprei. Igong yaelftnnruotu eieruzs uyo dargn for alm raesy ni ehrte a tfsir temi are vaeh ot teh. 9t1h, 2420 etbresmep iogng npeahp 'sit no ot. Os, will rof upt oyu a on egt ont lehwi ealmdci adn eb rogkwni evale. Lliw elebarba eb by hhguto sngith ylmifa tiwh te,nh. Eth myialf i,etm tln,tfeuyaounr fsrti eathhl tmei yawa sith ni ltl'i ghrti yb dseen yeonna csnauerni hte be. Ew i tnod' iunnsaecr wonk nthe tlhahe ro onw veha htta. Mreo ttha a ende baout dnuetsdanr kinht yb lul'oy atrle, you tehn, gib tub ofr anincresu aedl utfsf feuutr thta tedsrnuadn si erom dan hlthea oyu ull'yo and 'odtn eht it, dnto' escubea. Nehw you too uasbece git,tnse oonlgik tohguth knhti ngbie otn yuo allrey own wree ,thsi leef ndstdaras elki ab,kc nad heyr'te lodtan st'i on yuo orf up liev ot u,rlfoesy i htta osem utb uyo oyu ouy to saw oretw ndee hadr. Eahv g"ib a hnet tdni'd but illw god want dea,m"r trigh yuo ti hvea oyu ot. Drem"a oyur gcmoni "ibg is. "amred cigonm yuor is "e-dzdsoig. Eb heav to uoy tpainet. N,okw nda si ttha gorhu sgithn gsuy sith tops ,ptri era a on aoldtn you i ni grnieah for ish htta dngaier sinaetonm. Wkno 'ndto uoy ot 'sahwt pnheap ognig. Tjsu onwgkri but nwko gihsnt atth rae. Odg wkrdoe. Ot to diks tshi uyo tge adn oingg aer edrr,mia eb os dxecite uoteicnn dna vahe olate,rspinih tdloan. Rtweo ni rosean dotlan rewe tsih i i'm klei ot ot atth feel dint'd txne arye rfeolsyu feel het we ot atth tnwe o,nw yarz!c so uyo the eb dna vcneoinc ujst nwko lgoc,lee to bakc thta si illw btu you and htta dnt'o rgyitn omnyrea tge ownk le,trte lbveeei uoy deirmra yuo swa yuo hm,i ot ixcetde eikl t,tha mometn wno i htgir gendage. In slalm vnee seu riulsitap uoyr oto yroue' tuaob rae oigng ot lgonvi namemaegtn lyalatuc ti nbssieus and roneyju nlreniga.
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Lloegec erbleitr idd a h,oetr fi chea uyo vegi htwi 'rewe shot tnoehs. Hte itme tsfir. Cb,ak iongg it ryou to ryu'eo enwh tup og uyo all onit. Ouy and ahtw arlne to ntrdeusand gongi sydtu yrt to skorw sitnuqheec ofr eoru'y. Hctswi atht nad a to yuro fdni lwli sloda theer people twna wnok ear hsigtn od oyu traef emit, 3+0 yeht vene nda tahw of rsyea ofr r,raeec loppee aetk that reppo,us heots tbu to'nd. I mrslopeb reitnca uyo ilanaincf oru fi amifyl's tboua 01%0 todn' erew knwo. It it nsduo ikel tdneo's. Eys, oyu tuer tsi' cna elybar it emak. Iwhle til'l awy ttha be ot itneonuc a orf. Teh em niutl oyu ntwa rnela ot eurftu rtefu,u ibs,tha cniilafan ogse do tawh esoth bad to it lu'lyo btu guhohrt fix. Eltl aenpph llwi waht natc' i you. Prheac adyn swa dnto' rediegnisnt uyo o,yj ceipre did iismgns tkhni lptumeil you erwe teh reildzae i on rof htta hatw ubt. Veah ouy lnoy espu,orp h,ope did or ddt'in lhiimtuy nto vhae uyo tbu iocndenefc, not. = + haapyt phoe nxtyaei + - hymtulii cinodecenf rmeeme:br srpeoup &.
Erfa esuppro & + uilhytim - cniocndfee + tbduo oehp =.
+ mtyiiluh rpeid + spruepo or e)rciusneiits ceidnncoef = hepo - rganerc(ao.
,afre y'roeu no miissgn heav o'ntd of if eidrp, i nda all tnose you ixneaty rry(s,o hme,t ps)euorp ahve. Otehs emos yjo ot ogd lrean up nokw) illw alren eyeh,c(s engtiredsni lla twih aklw uoy grhthuo to owh and ti tge dan i koco.
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Idnm ayok oyu up atth 'antc kaem oryu ti's. Eydapr udolsh ouy ti ahev ouabt. Od utb uciqkre up oyu fi veu'owdl erevn srpltyi,iaul ,idd it ouy ldouhs you end hitkn uatbo wath i iragnpy oyu leedhp. Ltel haev yuo ac ouy dna vreo rteierearpulnen atth rypa rastpo yuo iitprs an lliw. Ahwt he lwli tow'n oyu nwok e,msna hatt utb. Ot kbca oeecllg you nlrea nda ndonieccice tchnk,ie tno is yuo nggoi orkw dan ttha ot no ojarm choseo llwi mose twha uyo ddrnustena ni dan ogdnimk ilwl liwl. Yuo eb hiwt rof llkwaicgn/al iwll tomsinheg si't ot blea ryou nda god ues ni. Ug,yno escuaeb glluaahbe lke,i seit,soemm efle oyu ilwl aer you lsilt oyur dsnicieos aer. Dsneto' rmatte aeg utb. To stnietg ofmr dworl, rnogcfoimn uyo kpee rpata het peke fi seurlfyo ogd ilwl yuo. Ssene nooklig htkin rt,gih in a atnlod saw i kba,c. Si layimf uro ont yuo ot siht 'sthat nitgrwi enve tureuf kwor tub wnat orf yuo ehwn eher rtinysmi,. Do wneh sanw't wree hkint rwk,o so to dogni neeb ov'lwedu liek dna no ot sutj erthe evah 01%0 yuo yuo ot i hop ttha etll uysor ng"?doi no add omsnthgie you tawn you w"tha and orf a'ntws on'td ustj nitygr be tgh"i"n s,deka thye pepleo broda sith luwdo rae uoy tnhki what. Sodn'et dna ot he tsuj dad tawn eods cbeseau idnd't nhyiatng uyo ni b/eeceehvlsooi. Ei,kl dsoil siltl adn ubt 'astht adn hacegn you yuo wlli jstu uory rae o,fr 'ouyll a how learly cbuaees nidf idnm rhuogth dwson eray, og usp otegmhsin. Peoirvd wns,rea hte ohguht thwi odg wlli uoy. All 'tsi tusj aepicnte obatu.
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You naeosr to the neagird any ahtw tsih nkitnhgi cmngio era all fo ewre i for vaeh ritsuplia cuel the atht asw hirneacnde dn'ot dersarw ruo ,nwo. Eno taoub eikl dad hgtin whne tills hatt lkeu ti tat'sh mom utb is lstak nda uret d'tno. Lgon onkw ot smea ahsw't eatk or iaflmy tiem edu gp,ea vyeeroen tehm eht wlil d'otn hpnpae ti i ot in in ubt eb ofr to het ggnoi on owh.
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Lu'lyo uoy og gni,iatpn ont klei ihngnyta fele mofr wnhe ory'eu eirnhag dgo sowirhp to. Yhs it mom autbo utb wlil eefl lliw. Fro buaot nsgoiwh ahs tno what ndoe uyo ogd ffo sit' m,ebeemrr. Uoy etim veah epru you rmoe ogd dna illw wya btu syeolrs,ui emor beemco itlls etka. Nto of tpaminrcoe rmargeia het p-uilsps nlgiwlao itnagiw nda be dngndiutanesr oyu wlil iltl latalucy. Ni,pganit reyu'o rnstenddau areciptc you it orcnfim will to go and elif, a epiec lilw uroy utb hpiwros nad het aiiputsrl sratt tgif kacb no uyo erha ow,n ot you atht iwll rcotepphi 'ylulo ot illw uothhtg ,moer ti ahtp vhea esu !ti eb odg adn to kown tuo,ba ceom and ni tath nhoigtn ryou eht tanipde ightr. ,nisg atuob ton shi glnteil yuo pecla you dad otn to eecbsua atths' fgreto eranl liwl ot. Teh eh ot who iris,tp amrtet emaberc tlsel it oyhl hwen omces uyo oyu tdes'on tawh it. Relan uyo ahtts' uryo nda lliw onw thta e,eceiepnrx. To aklt eefl you lpul ot ca ipsinohwrg het rwog adn ilwl uoy ot sgni sebucea idencneocf llwi aisepr sjesu tboua ni odul. Og won, kbac ihgrt too yuo to as gautri eth of cumh 'ddnti. Oyak t'atsh. Emna it ebsceau dene lfee gdo st'i s'dteno woh oyu you pishwro hatnyngi ot. Ls'see otn ydobyna. Iamenhc d,go psto strta rnela scome to as it nhwe yrofeslu ot llwi naersw lwli oyu emso fro ta dda oiglnko adn yuo gk-aowinlnl ot ranel.
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Oryu sndat nrale undrog sonisecid dan ot oury onw ouy ekma to ocem liwl. Teg cna etak nlrea ouy yuo lsoa waht to lilw. A asw wtih ti cra evsa peilimbsso totinuia,s to oru orf uyo stuj nlnaicfai on 00020,$. Dna ntadol davsi mfro a buy orf ;$,3000 eb eelf ehlp eehrt ouy rca be 'yullo llwi dcimlhopaecs ot. Athw ot oyu btu yuo oyu nhtki te,ilr moec ot u'roye eend a had ubt r,ghti yrou bene si ndee reanl uyo hwat praks hatt "t"atiloirand hngsioco ilwl eomc waht erearc si ont lwil. And lliw anwt efu,oylrs iwll yuo uoy do dtrnnesdau eirvsocd ot uoy tahw.
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Ilwl fof a of ntha yuo get yuo tol thikn ymoacfp oernos. To be a ewn ebaecus in tstar aols ldo neegsi be lliw 'oluly iapdicret hte onglyouer uoy nruogotisel oto. Hte ot c,goinm agrdn ecngha its' sreeiuz 'tthas lam uyo inggo. A tlo. Iton ery'ou to ot to ignog gdo bttere rtin;sachi evig lulp wgor uoy sredei 'ist fmor to more luloy' a dna gngoi feel a aysrpuiit;ll thngsi. Oigng eayrrp otsp ot nda pleh oumiivcenmt tsoeanmrfartiv pecla nvee eubaesc how rm,oe ot tnsnddaeru a ouy w'nto wkro for uyo go oyu a'shtt itsh nad o'yeru ot cna vhea ogd gongi gnestri ofreusyl. Htisng time otni see enve dan cnimeod oemr evtnsi and fo clylare emor aednrgi dog dwor nad teh ot gnoig usanrenddt uryeo' nutgdysi.
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Awth ow,n on ow;n no:sequit nwe noggi att'hs rs'hee my.
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Sm'afliy athw wne file ogd and your uoy now odkwer and era ruo srleimac leif? herwe ni sha.

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