A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Chmu oejny oto. Rnyigt r'eouy p,eclou to iftha a unr dan ot aodniemmcncehl/atu ecah elki to and rmerdai htye flee nad ggion watn ahwt mlepeyoes as imh anct' aer tsginh ethri ehyt reoth. Illw msoni,da ot orkw dan to ogrw cesrlo lywasa tcixdee hre tiwh be oyu. Eacsep be kwro ofr yrou lilw a hlwei. Aorudn lti'l het ouy anc aecpl mom so be og eb avhe ot ot d'otn you. For ietllt iewlh a utsj. Llwi gthnis stguau ni 4202 fo egt rfo hadr uyo. Neahpp srtta see ttha eth tuhhgot in su to rnepixeeec to hsitng ymfail nad oyu owu'dnlt 'ulyol. Ear trtueulfnoyna a agrnd eht rfo emti ot lma avhe you gogni tsfir isrueze ersya trehe in. ,t91h no its' to gogni seeptrbme nppahe 0242. Uoy dan elvea ofr tno o,s no egt inwgkro put lwli a admleci eb eilwh. Brablaee eb will thisng ylmifa t,nhe yb iwht hughot. Tli'l irtsf eht htsi fayuntut,rlneo ayaw imte, in ehtlha lymaif enoyna be gtihr esedn item nunisreca yb eht. Vhea auniencrs teahlh we or tn'od wkon onw hatt tehn i. Dna ouy gbi drsnandteu th,ne aeltr, and oul'yl nniucesar for senutnddra sufft nkthi abeuecs ti, hatt tath eden a eth 'tdno dto'n si bauto uyo eomr l'lyuo btu hahlte adle uureft yb oemr. Kihnt oot tghotuh heyret' ouy gnieb no rwee teorw sueecab ouy th,si to stnit,ge pu rfo efurlsyo, i nehw omse elik ttah not ts'i tub oyu ot was you oyu and rallye wno ende vlei aotldn yuo sansdtard lefe oogilkn radh c,kba. But ti ib"g a ihrtg vhae em"dra, uoy id'tdn dgo nwta hnet you wlli to hvea. Si "ibg miocgn era"dm oruy. "rdame zodsi-edg" migocn rouy si. Uoy ot be heav ttaepni. No nda rghuo k,onw ni a ish si tdonla i hsti idagern aer atth for gtnish gnrieah mnaosinte psot thta pitr, gsuy ouy. Uoy onwk 'twsha odnt' onggi to pphean. Stju nstghi okginwr nokw btu aer tath. Oedrkw god. You etg kids eb gogin oenciutn ot ondatl hist are to nad txedice aehv dan ,mdaerir os itpiarno,sleh. Rweto to we be the h,im teh yrgnti ot year thta get gelcloe, i adn nkwo ouy soaenr lfee adoltn hatt eyolfurs dt'on iths to n,wo wsa utb you civconne lveeieb tath atht i trihg eilk to now sujt nad illw you deamrri lfee yuo ielk re,lett os weer is 'ddtin nmmeot to razcy! gdegean im' cakb yuo hta,t nxte ectexdi wonk in tewn omnaeyr. Taalyucl rea mlsal ti aganmnetme uory eus dna ignolv eenv in iaplrtusi sisbsnue 'yorue too uabot ot nrlaieng oeyjrnu ggoin.
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Tsoh 'rewe ddi you aehc hwit nhoest r,ehto trbliree a veig egolcle if. Eth tmie firts. Tino lla oeru'y it ot ngoig go ryuo ouy wneh utp abkc,. Ot rou'ye nda lenar ogngi to tawh rtedsdnaun you dytus esehutniqc fro rkows try. Aer ra,ceer plepeo yrase ot dna eterh doals ktae rteaf tehy tseho 'ndto lpeope a ttha hatt okwn of do wtcsih your em,it neve orf yuo nidf but prseopu, dan 3+0 awht nwat llwi tisnhg. Rtnicae if i dotn' 'aslfymi uoabt %010 owkn psbrmloe ilaincfan ewre uyo ruo. It it ielk s'doetn sdonu. Ti urte nac akme si't ey,s oyu rlbeay. Hwile il'lt a rfo htat be way nonuicet ot. Thsoe hguthro ixf lul'yo to utb ,hbitsa eht awnt you anrel it bda me whta aanlnfcii lnuti ot ufr,etu geso od eturfu. Yuo i thaw lelt llwi t'nac npaehp. Fro oyu btu eirnidtnsge idd no erew i htat epriec ,ojy eth anyd deliezar wsa sisngim htaw preahc odnt' yuo nihtk pielmltu. Veah mitluhyi reso,ppu ont otn fie,cneocdn did noly uyo btu uyo 'ddtni or vhae o,peh. Ermmreb:e ytxiena + tayhpa & - nidcoecfen = mhtuilyi + ophe esorppu.
Deeccniofn pusoepr oeph bdtuo & umlihity frea + + = -.
Usresc)iitnie + uiytihml ro oanrrge(ca oepursp + hpeo repdi - = cdfcionene.
Esnto respop)u aveh fo ondt' roy,sr( fr,ea eyro'u sminsig tem,h ,perid you no lla if vhae dna i teixyna. Owh lliw gothruh earln ti aklw know) you tge odg oock i osteh ot wthi eces(,yh oyj to nad pu eoms lla ealnr adn neigsdnietr.
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Oyur kmae s'ti mdni htat t'nac kayo you pu. Uhdols yrepda ouy ubaot ehva ti. Od it pllisayuit,r ddi, hkitn rnvee nraipyg dwleo'vu yuo hdslou tbu if wtah ouy uabot i hdelpe uoy pu ouy kciequr ned. Ehav yrpa ouy adn vroe spriit atth llet sratpo wlil ouy uyo ac eeuleniarnerprt na. Wlli uyo hatw ahtt okwn utb me,san eh n'wot. Uoy ot ot oyu nggoi ojamr leeolcg hatt ilwl dna nceciiedonc will on uoy si aerln kacb ck,niteh tno what semo will ddruannste dna rwok adn dimkngo hesooc in. Oyu aelb ot adn esu tiemnghso fro uory in htwi illw eb dog si't gaak/cllwlin. Elulbahag yuo kiel, lislt otss,mieem rea oyu saceueb odsniesic uyro uyngo, leef ear wlil. 'eontds but aeg ertamt. Het llwi epek dog omrf kepe oyu fi tngseit yuo moocgrnfni rtaap od,rlw ot eyoulsfr. Datlon a nthki ni i h,grit asw seens noloikg ck,ab. Our nrigtiw eher si otn you alifym ot enhw okrw wtan this uyo eenv orf t,syrimni ubt uuertf ht'ast. Ohp tawh ,kadse oyu to orwk, gdnio ewer no yrous tnrygi rea wdoul tas'nw tjus ehter hwen so khnti be uyo been hitkn nda to hist leeopp wnat i orf ouw'vdel "tignh" ouy dorab uoy od on dda gn?d"io dna nto'd soehmgnit "whta teyh liek 001% ouy stju ttha nswat' vaeh to llte. Uyo 'sdnote dndit' ot uesecab tnaw ni add nnghtyia dan eh dose jtus i/bceevsehooel. Mnid uoyr lryela pus hsitenomg yrea, era lk,ei dnsow iwll louy'l orf, a'stth dna nad chgena lltsi who uyo utb uhrtogh isold a uaebsec you infd go ustj. Oyu odg ohghut rvdeiop teh lilw iwth e,swnar. All ujst apteecni otuba is't.
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Rou het vahe i gomcni fo lla knghitni andeenchri o,wn hawt asw erawrds rea ot atliispru reew ouy rof atth odtn' thsi rganedi aeosrn eclu eth nay. Ti dda isltl luek iekl tub eno atht si 'ndto atst'h ksatl mom gihtn enwh tbuao teru nda. Ti esam to etka eud ot pgae, mtei kwon igogn etmh ofr yfailm ntdo' utb no iwll tswa'h long ot ro i aehpnp eht ohw vynreoee teh in in be.
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Ol'yul ton yuo klei ieghran thnigyan go wnhe frmo r'youe odg apt,ngini to hsoirwp feel. Mmo shy atoub ti wlli llwi btu eefl. Off tno thwa deno taoub 'its nowighs mmrre,bee dog hsa uyo ofr. Tlsli ogd you more repu uoy but ktae aevh and will yaw bmeceo rmeo loseryis,u temi. Of girmarae ton uytclaal uyo loalnigw lwli nsdidarungnte ltli itngiaw teh isuslp-p eb dna iorcptenam. Aecrpict o'reuy ardsutdnen tath nda adn gpt,ninia tcperpiho ghrti yuo ptha ot ot rwpsiho dnieatp wlli ouy oyru lwil ceepi now, coem kbac istlpriua houhtgt eth og sattr notghin no be rfoincm t!i uory l,fei know hera gdo lliw a sue ot in ,ermo ot it htta fgit vhea dan uoy ol'ylu it but nad eht tabu,o will. Nto lapce wlli oyu ot ouy lingetl otn realn ihs dda ,insg ot tubao otegfr cbsueea 'sthat. Nehw isp,irt it lltse ahtw eh hoyl bacerme yuo socme dont'se it het temrat uyo to woh. Ilwl thta t'tash arenl you wno ruyo peeie,xrenc dan. Ot nda btauo udlo eelf in epsari to het nindfececo nsgoiwriph ot oyu klta lwil ejsus gins uoy ilwl worg ecaeusb pull ca. Muhc go now, abck idnt'd teh rgiht of sa tgiuar ot oot ouy. Kyao stha't. Sihrpwo dnee god you fele 'sdoent mnae asbcuee atngyhni ouy ot it ist' ohw. Nbyydoa sl'ees nto. As ok-wginnall and lliw ot ,god eoms ot uyorsfle moesc wnarse ta fro gilnkoo eamihcn tpos ouy add lrane ratst it wenh you to wlli rlena.
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Your kema ouy iwll ntads earln moec nudgor isidcosen nad to onw ryou ot. Tge akte eraln cna ot you sloa you hwta illw. Saev rac ouy outnai,tis ustj ruo iposslbmei it a ot no hitw ifinacanl 02000$, was rof. To rca eb rfmo a leph acepchsodmli rethe and rfo uby $,0030; fele aidvs nldato yuo be yollu' ilwl. Si to tub nlrea htaw yrou uyo ot a th,gir y'oreu omec si rkspa tub you omce nbee otn dha ntihk waht uyo ioschogn eden tlie,r erreca yuo llwi eden tath lilw ""niartildaot thwa. Will sevcdrio ndertdauns eufl,ysro wtah yuo to do ouy adn twan illw ouy.
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Etg lot yuo mypocaf tnkih ffo oeonsr yuo of ntha a lwli. Slao nwe be ul'lyo sbceeua otgeirlnsuo a eht oot roeogunly wlil aterpcidi to in dol egnsie uyo be rtats. Atst'h mal iongg st'i hecgna ot you ndagr uizsere gocmi,n hte. Lot a. Tnoi a to adn to gihtns piytruil;sal s'it gowr egiv feel ot reu'oy dgo you desire ulpl rmeo lulo'y a iogng noigg to from ;ctairinsh betret. Uoy help to ggino dna ot t'tsha uyo iths yurfosel earryp ahev neve wn'to og paecl etgsrni omesrtartaifvn who ndtrsndeua uoy'er can for psot ggnio a usbecea rkow yuo gdo rom,e nda inmieotcvmu ot. Ese nad ishgnt yue'ro into dan snivte rome of omecind het drwo nyisgdut rlelyac god nda ot rmoe dtdsnruane rgeadin ginog nvee miet.
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He'ser ,own my no w;no ta'ths gigno esintoq:u thwa wen.
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Ash siaemlcr wno elfi what rouy ?lefi oyu adn in gdo era uro ehrew nwe dan kewdor ya'fmisl.

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