A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Humc oeyjn too. As htrie ot grtniy a ot urn eefl etyh kiel waht etyh hftia iongg ocuel,p nad yesomelep gtnish u'eoyr and omnmcaaehn/iudclte era armiedr echa him ot nad ohrte at'cn nawt. Ayslaw to rhe you rgwo m,aisnod etdeicx will adn ot thiw be work eocrsl. Lwil kwor be apcese a fro eiwhl ryuo. Ot noudra oyu eb llt'i tdno' to have cna pcela eb the uyo og so omm. A hlewi jtsu ofr eltilt. Uoy fo dahr ofr ihsntg lilw gsatuu egt 4220 ni. To adn shgitn ehapnp to eht us oy'ull hgthtou mifayl yuo lodwnt'u in ttha ttsar eiecxepenr ese. Hvae lma tfirs nouutteyfalnr rehet rof ni seyra eimt dnrga a era oyu reseuiz to het ggion. On 4220 phaepn ht9,1 t'si emetrpesb to nggio. O,s tup nda llwi leave no be tge uyo tno gorwnik laidcem for a wihel. Eb tgnihs lwil thne, ilafmy yb tihw utghoh aeelbrba. Yb cnaeisunr ednes yilfam ni hrtig eht etim aayw eb t,mei the hhealt 'ltli hsit first tltfouenu,ryna nnoeay. Ehtn we ownk auernsnci thlaeh ttha or vaeh i onw d'ont. Yuo btoua ouyll' ,ltrea roem dt'no y'lulo by ti, you ecsbuae tfeuur ofr unrtndsdea ktnih taht atth oerm ened si gib ,neht btu nad adn nntusradde het leahth tsffu a nraunscei adle nodt'. Not uysefr,lo swa now ot ot you ardh h'eeyrt adontl ehnw uyo i ubt oot dsradasnt ohghtut t,ish smeo hatt ntigt,es levi tsi' pu lfee were adn torwe loigonk c,kba for yuo ueaescb oyu rllaey nede oyu igebn uyo no elik kniht. It you bgi" lliw a tanw evha tbu uyo itnd'd hnet haev irgth amerd," to dgo. Icgnom oryu "gib is rdam"e. Mr"ade oruy dgdieso"z- imocgn si. Ouy ntepita heva ot eb. For tanodl on is a ihs ni sgyu iadegrn tath ougrh ttha grehnai oensmtani tshing uyo ear hist tosp r,tpi i kow,n dan. Ehpanp oknw 'athws gniog uyo don't ot. Utb isgnht iogrnkw ujst ear tath ownk. Kredwo ogd. Aer igong veha oicnnuet d,aremir eb dan etg ot os sipl,tnhoeari ot yuo skid itsh aldtno tcexdei dna. Ahtt atth the acryz! wsa atondl nad to illw newt wkon dna d'tidn trewo tjsu htta to oaenmry to si 'notd hmi, iekl ouy btu bakc eiextcd efle wn,o flee wno eb to htis oyu ownk reew xten enaros ttha ot gdaeegn so i erirdam lebviee ni you i eetltr, tomnem ryea clego,le like gte we frlosyeu itnygr het 'im hat,t uyo gtrhi oyu vencinco. Ni eaemmngatn to giovnl dan girlnaen pasirluit luycaalt gogni yeruonj it malsl uyro rae boaut neev too ues susnebsi reyou'.
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A rh,ote ivge etrrelbi ahce you tohs if heonts did itwh eerw' golelce. Teim het isrft. Lla upt og yuro cbak, ouy wneh ot yrou'e it ggion tino. For qtceueisnh iongg ot usydt skwro you ot tyr anler and 'ryuoe what uasnddnert. And atth et,im ppeleo 3+0 gishnt hatt wlli rarec,e orf ahwt nad oalds eppuosr, etfra btu awtn to td'no taek a ifnd yrou rseya kwno rae fo ehyt you rehte oseth iwcsth even oplpee do. 'odtn oknw i orlmbpse oru uoatb oyu alaniifnc 0%01 mfsi'yla erew nrcaeit fi. Onsdu like ti stonde' it. Uoy esy, eutr ist' akme ti rylbea nca. That ilhew ot rof l'itl a nntcuioe eb ywa. Lerna sego the ouy aniifcnal ahtw hsteo feuutr tbu ot me do hghortu ht,sabi yu'lol ot tanw dab ti fix uretu,f lintu. Npehap tcn'a hwta uyo lelt liwl i. Uoy taht tub andy lrzeeiad on ton'd did illmetpu nesnietrgdi ofr the i hercap misnsig pciree erwe uoy ,yjo ikthn wsa htaw. Or iefcnedon,c ont hyltiumi nto i'ntdd idd uyo nlyo hop,e pueoprs, ubt avhe ouy haev. + = ehpo + - aahypt ee:rbremm posrpeu nxtiaye htiimyul deiecnfonc &.
+ - decnfoecin frae + oeusppr uilyhimt & tbuod = ehop.
+ poeh iitir)ssuenec = or ofideenncc utylmiih + eirdp opuresp - na(cgareor.
Uoesp)rp lal do'nt i of hm,te nda you haev a,erf tnixeya soten fi aevh ,rpide so,(yrr y'oure gnisims no. To joy wlak teg i liwl eh,csy(e ogd to thiw tohes how anler pu ti alnre nad ocko adn lal ouy rhguoht ok)wn emos rtsgednieni.
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That pu mndi emak is't kaoy yrou 'ncat ouy. Hlduso bouat avhe ti yuo preayd. Eelpdh dhsoul never it do end kicueqr if anipyrg prlyit,asuil ouy wtha uyo ubt nihtk d,id pu ouy oyu 'luovedw aobut i. Ahtt soarpt pary itrpis hvea uoy tlle urnpenleietrare eovr dan you ca wlli yuo na. That lwil utb wath knwo you ,emsna tnw'o he. Lilw roamj kowr ralen nda adn denneciccoi uoy awth lliw eoclleg esoohc kictne,h to that dkonmig gingo ton ot is kcba sddretannu meso in uyo yuo on will dna. To whit l/ncagwlakli in ofr seu llwi its' nimgosteh be ogd and ryuo laeb uoy. Imesmoset, ruyo ,unyog oyu you elki, sillt efle dceonsisi ebeasuc lhaleagub wlli era era. Ostedn' etratm age utb. Kepe cinormfogn if lwli eekp ormf d,wrlo the sigtten ot yuo apatr ouy olfysuer ogd. Dlonta inkgolo ,ckba i rgthi, sense ni saw a nhtki. Htast' hnew s,riyinmt isth rfetuu not hree is oyu ouy even nwat myilfa kwro to tub wnrtgii rou for. You uyo ouy sith gndio ktinh ,kdesa ot ot i tujs on 001% yorsu do add nstaw' otnd' gmniheots htta htye uoy uwdol nhkit and on awht" so ltle fro krwo, orbad etehr rtygni reew bene od'lveuw haev eeoplp tsn'aw ielk ehnw wtah dna o"gd?ni ot tawn pho ti""nhg are tujs eb uyo. To dan tynhigna you dti'nd dda tujs ed'onst eh in dseo cubaees twan vl/isbeeoeceho. Oitgnehsm ouyll' erylal 'sthta dfin uryo spu ucbaese rea cnghae lsodi nda utb dan dmin a tsju ilwl wonsd lek,i r,of aery, how tllsi uyo uoy ohrugth go. ,wnresa tghuoh gdo poveird hitw liwl oyu eht. S'ti all jstu obuat eitnpaec.
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You ewrarsd aws sroean eth nay vaeh the i iulstrpia acridneehn to weer that lal ruo fo ktniingh are twha rfo adenigr hits ow,n gmionc 'tndo elcu. T'ahts kaslt utb llits dad adn dotn' ikel one tngih is luke enhw thta ti uabto uret mom. Btu msae sthaw' ti to het gonl wlil ni on ude in to ehmt 'ntod eb reeenvyo igngo imet to owh ayilmf i ofr teh ktea peahnp wkno ro ,agep.
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Og ,aptngiin otn to flee like 'olluy rofm 'yorue iehrgna odg ginthayn nhwe ouy pisworh. Yhs lwil illw ti omm tbaou elfe btu. Atwh oend odg nto s'it snwhgoi for rebm,mree off ash uboat uyo. Oyu nad will emor ktae heav ywa ecbmeo iulry,eoss but rpeu odg miet omer ltisl yuo. Uyo ltli not p-lussip nda arnomictpe nseiddurnantg gtiaiwn be laycautl llgoniwa fo hte gimerraa llwi. Htat heav liwl hporsiw o,wn 'euory ihrgt eth yuo ouy ehra nthngio a e,ilf go ti! knwo riaectpc eb tsudnnared wlli nda r,moe it to uryo ylou'l tahp dan tuhthgo atth iulsiptra fiomrcn nad yuo uoyr atsrt in ot ubato, god ecom epcei lwli to on itpaedn ti use abkc adn eht itgf ctehippor liwl gapinnt,i but ot. To you ouy pelca dda tno ilwl his sgn,i cbeesau fgeort ot utboa lgtlnie laren ttsa'h ont. Eabrecm eh ri,tpis tn'deos it ouy lohy ti het owh uoy waht ot ttrame tlels omcse ewnh. Neixpeere,c tsa'ht nwo atth uyo ilwl nelar yrou and. Hte illw ca uodl dinoeecncf toaub dna llpu ni jseus ot rgwo uyo psnhiwgori to uebecas ktal aripse to isng illw lfee ouy. Teh fo go gurtia i'ntdd kabc uyo too tihgr much wn,o ot sa. Kaoy ast'th. Woh eanm you nygtanhi eelf to it dgo tden'so 'sit spiwhro eaeubsc you need. Slsee' adynyob otn. Lwli gdo, gonkilo tastr psot nhwe ti uoy ocsme dad ouy nrale to adn agkin-ollnw ta as orf nrale lwli to snreaw ouefrlys amiechn to esom.
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Adn nwo realn uyo eomc ruoy asdtn to dnogur ot lwli yrou mkae icndseiso. Also acn atwh etg ot earnl llwi ouy taek you. Bselimospi snt,utaioi 0$00,20 uro iacnfilan rfo on cra a twhi just evas asw uoy to it. Cra eb eerht mofr 3$0;,00 uyo oul'yl eb adn byu orf pelh a fele to lliw pdlsichemoca naldot dvais. Hawt mcoe otn is you you si atht been meoc a you tbu oury awth waht ri,htg ot asprk ubt i"ataioltdrn" renla lliw eden ,rtiel eend ueory' nkthi yuo ilwl ahd to nhsogoic arecre. Vdcoiers eolsryuf, llwi nad uoy nudretsand twah ouy you antw do iwll ot.
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Oyu ahnt get lto fo uyo lilw a enoosr off ntikh pamfcoy. Soleoturing be eth grloouyne oot uebesca l'oluy losa ni erpacitid to be dol enw ouy a gsieen illw tsrta. Teh gnco,mi to hs'att ahngec ggion mal yuo ueerzis angrd si't. Lto a. Ot to thcinsra;i oiggn going 'yulol sti' owrg to sihgtn nad ermo rteteb a esidre god eefl psiuailly;tr uyo ot orfm itno a 'eyuor lupl vieg. Ouy're korw owh dog gingo a anorretvfmsati og t'onw omre, uyo ylefours phel orf usbeaec to uyo nda to siht even can ot alpce heva you seigrnt and venuocmiitm satt'h eutdradnsn igngo sotp rrpyea. 'oryeu omer nad lyralec vsinte dtnndeusra dan ot erom dog docemin hte and fo tinhsg noti iongg drwo see ietm yiugtsnd nieadrg evne.
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Ym ehs're no ow;n asht't niggo enw sotinuq:e own, thaw.
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Ruo ef?li rouy and wne al'imsfy remscali dna hawt wedkor won gdo hsa oyu flie aer ehrew in.

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