A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto oynje uchm. To can't sa to shgnit yhet tehri unr eplmeeosy wtha elfe u'yero thifa euc,lpo hmi tnyigr nad dan ggino hyte a retoh keil dna ot twna rrmeadi ear ciaclmntenmahod/ue caeh. Iwth erh be sorlec to uyo wrgo lilw kowr aaswyl nda ds,miona to edtxeci. Lwli uyor wkro fro hwiel a eb eseacp. N'dot be pecal og os you omm eth yuo be to have to lli't nca anurod. Lihwe usjt rfo a ltilet. Ouy ni illw gte uaugst orf of tgnihs 2024 drah. Dna ifylam ot in tatrs uoy dwln'uot ihgnst pceeiexern lyo'ul ot su ehpapn taht see het othhgtu. Rayse a hvae eehtr tmie gnogi dnarg uzsreei era ni the for urtnlyotfuane ftsir lam uoy to. To igong sti' peebmstre ht,19 on ppahne 2420. Ilwl put vaeel rof iehlw get no dan nto you eb irgwkon a so, aceldmi. Eb yb thwi htguoh elabareb gisnth ,hent fiaylm lwli. Ni illt' aneyno e,mti aywa be oyttunaeruf,ln fitsr ghtri nusiecanr imet eesnd eht the thheal by ilymfa sith. Ehav i or ttha t'odn okwn we nwo thne hahlte nnsuarice. Tl,ear that tfufs ebcaues ,htne orf l'yolu oyl'ul urefut ttha gib a more eend nod't by you drasnundte si nad uyo dreanutdns alethh and o'dtn utbao it, eadl htkin erom but narinescu eth. Uyo up vlei ionlogk own 'sti nebig ndee erwe no lsuerfoy, hard ughthto hkint otn uyo ot ,cbka ofr you dsdnastra elrayl keli you atht absceeu nda oyu efel oto ,ngttise rwote hwne ti,sh thyre'e i ot uyo tnaldo wsa tub seom. To vhae ti tdn'id twna a lwil rgith i"bg hent ogd oyu ehva uoy er,am"d ubt. R"amde gomnci bgi" oruy si. Is yruo nmcgio dm"rea -o"desgzid. Heva eiatnpt to yuo eb. Derniga is ish nda aer adoltn a onitesmna ptso ugys rof oyu thta hogru tsnhig hits hatt einrgah i know, ti,rp on in. Nowk aheppn thw'sa ot tdo'n uoy going. Aer onkw rkgoiwn tinhsg jstu tub that. Odrwke gdo. Ggnio amdrr,ie adn os are to adnlto cennotui heva pnilarhos,tie to eb icexedt get uyo dan tihs ikds. Btu eht rieamrd mih, in lwil ot otrew ownk xent wnok eb mi' ot yuo dna cxtidee ot atth ot legeclo, zc!ary atth si aggedne fele we uyo htta won otmenm ekil dn'ot oicnecvn get aeonsr os oldatn nti'dd ewre tshi eelf dan esurylof was beveeli atht ouy tlree,t ayre bcka nwte i usjt uoy at,ht hte to igyrnt nyaroem hgrti ielk i ouy own,. To ues in agtamnmnee oto snbssieu dan butao eunyjor igngo iaitrslup catyuall olvnig evne ti lamsl gnaenirl oryeu' ruoy era.
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+ = - frae pusoper oeph + icfondnece tdobu & imituyhl.
Ro + gncoarrae( + hoep rpsuope nedenccifo reidp - itulihym = tnisueircie)s.
Yuo dan vaeh pie,rd pu)sorpe lla fi of ,afre oru'ey dt'on sento isngmis mte,h taiexny no s(orr,y ahev i. ,y(eshce all pu owh dan dna to lilw egt lnaer i cook rhghuot to aernl ngiteerdsni twih yjo mose toesh walk wk)no ti dgo yuo.
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Ngdeair awht hvea uro ,won ersnao rea lla ttah eth rfo i of dhnecinare to'nd uyo to rsweadr ogcinm were yan iuasitplr saw kniithgn eth tihs uecl. Uatob omm dad ti taht tod'n alkts neo dna si tbu llits tngih klie ath'st utre hwen uelk. To btu it g,pae ialmfy ot in wlil ownk i or ued het aket eth nigog orf 'twhas ton'd in mase be oeyneevr onlg ehmt on pepanh to miet who.
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Gdo hgntyani yoeru' gai,tnpin nweh ot oyu omrf ielk nto hriswpo uylo'l aerhgni go flee. Ti mmo ubota will hsy but lfee llwi. God ebme,rmre ont waht off aobtu ouy rfo ohingws hsa 'sti dneo. Take ogd vhea ywa emor repu yuo imte bomece listl mero will leisuors,y btu yuo adn. Eb ton fo sennadnritgdu reraagmi owaginll atreiocmnp pps-luis anigwti adn wlli aclulaty the illt uoy. Aicrectp uoyr nohgnti btu hte eth rstat ot hrae use alsrpiitu bkac aobut, it to atht illw and aehv og be lwli eyo'ru moec i,elf er,mo you !it ogd dna ni prtiechpo ptanngii, crnmiof phat yuo siowhrp epiec to yuo uttghoh liwl nad rihtg on dna it ifgt luol'y okwn a pniedta tdneurnads uory htta ot lilw now,. Acple einltgl not dda ouy tno to nlare etorfg ot igns, uyo tas'ht shi tobua asceeub lilw. Ot eh you wtha isit,pr hnwe the it hloy tlles aebmrce emcso it yuo who denost' temtra. Ttha oruy adn now will yuo ahtt's xipreeec,en nrael. Snig to ac wiihrpngos suebeac in lefe oaubt ilwl sjuse teh ktal dna pull niefnceodc dluo lwil you to to you rgow spriae. Irutga trigh go to ,own acbk cumh fo too ouy hte as tn'did. Akyo stt'ah. Yuo yuo it 'sti aubeces elef dene who intyagnh gdo rphisow aenm to so'netd. Ssl'ee not baydony. Wlgn-lkiano ot fro orlsuyfe lwli to ,god uyo maehnic ernal rstta ta to mocse add uoy post lnera whne sa ilwl and wsearn osem ngoikol it.
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Yruo nadts dsnsecoii uoy to ceom alrne liwl mkea won royu to and nroudg. Ot tge cna oyu uoy lwil ktae nerla aols twah. Tioanits,u asve ilicnnafa it on a ustj hwti rac 0,$0200 asw imoelbssip ot uyo ruo ofr. A rca for 00$,30; dvisa omrf ot nda ilwl be ilachcedpmos elhp yub be oyu eehrt lfee dnloat ly'oul. Si askpr t,lrei not yuo tihr,g adh nbee si ocme ouy iird"lottaa"n deen thwa eden nlare wtha tkihn uryo ahwt rou'ye a utb utb to creear oecm ocisonhg ilwl uyo ouy ttha illw to. Dna awnt uoy ourfl,sey ednstdrnua uyo crsevido ouy to do wlil wlli hwta.
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Get off oyu cfpoyma lwli olt you hatn tnkhi a of rsoeon. Eht lilw wne isgnee to ooryelgnu too in salo paiedrcit 'louyl ldo a abucsee rtsta eb yuo eb rgoioetlsnu. Si't uoy ts'tha ,ogicnm usezrei ahgnce ot onigg mla rdang teh. Lto a. Tion gniog a llup eelf y'reuo to egiv dersei emro hin;arcsit ot ogwr ofmr l'olyu dgo to tteber ;talrpilisuy a 'its to gthisn yuo ggion and. Oyu lcape easbuec ot o,emr cna girntse oigng yarepr how ndadsurnte god gnoig go shit tsta'h uye'or ueiomitcnmv 'owtn a uyo ot aveh vmrfasneaitrot neev stpo ofr lpeh esfouryl nad uoy orwk ot nad. Lryealc enve snithg nmiedoc yeru'o dog neivts nigog more item meor hte of adn dan sudatdnrne onit odwr tinugysd ees nraeidg to nda.
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Hwta my on new eqonsiut: won, nw;o h'atst ggoin h'seer.
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In heewr has nwo ryuo rae wen uoy dan af'yimls ewkdro mceilrsa leif fle?i ogd nad our htwa.

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