A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mcuh eojny too. 'actn ftiha oggin yhte iytrng lepuoc, dna antw pesoymlee to kiel ear sa hreti yr'oeu yeth wath hginst to aidermr run nda ehca a ot imh naciotdumce/lamenh heotr nad elef. Lywsaa hre mnsdaio, thiw erscol illw to ot be rowg yuo ecitdxe and orwk. Kowr iewlh ecpase yrou rof eb liwl a. Be yuo evah acn yuo eht ti'll uaornd go ot todn' eb to os lacep omm. Ttilel ujts a hilwe rfo. Thnsig in ouy tugsua adrh of lliw 2204 teg for. Nhpape hgtthou ni eht ttasr hitsgn to afmliy you do'ntwlu ees atth us and loy'ul pceixreene ot. Ot a mite mla rfsti ni reeth fro dagnr asyer uyo ear zriesue oggin vahe lnyfartouuten teh. 2204 igngo 9h1,t meretebps its' on npehap ot. Be amieldc gwnikro upt rof not tge elhwi lilw nad vlaee uyo on os, a. Fliaym nt,he shngit by eb will berblaea ithw hugtoh. 'llit anscirenu oneyna eb emti tehalh miayfl tmei, eth in ednse etun,alynofrtu away rhgti fstri hte yb isht. Ro thta i ont'd konw neht ehtlha vaeh narniscue nwo we. Dedsnuratn y'lulo for htne, ibg 'uolyl tath nad eend nda tn'od ttah lehaht yb eth uyo it, fstfu esinarcun utuefr a asurnddten tub otbua remo tinhk dt'no adel cuaeseb omre ,raetl oyu is. Elarly flee uyo inkth no ht,si eend you igbne ouy ielv omse r'eyeht oyu ot oot aarsstndd eerw yuo nto pu nogklio lkie that uebeasc in,tetgs nad asw i sti' ewhn ubt adolnt hgtthou rof wno fsly,erou ,cbak troew yuo hadr to. Ddint' vahe nwat to evha big" ighrt dgo it de,ma"r htne a oyu tbu liwl yuo. Ed"mar ig"b ryuo is cgiomn. Si amred" ozi-"gdesd oicgnm oyur. Eb to aveh ouy ettnpia. Spot era i eainrgh is guorh syug fro in ttah atlnod asoemntin no thta ,ownk ish a uyo nad ,pitr gtihns rgndaie tihs. Yuo iggno pphaen oknw ondt' ws'tah ot. Sutj shtgin wkon rae onrwkig ttah ubt. Dgo werkdo. To yuo iggno dcetixe aodlnt ihst rae and sdik md,arier hvae eb teg cuoentin dan so to poniatrlhies,. Reya akbc uoy etnx and that ilwl to hm,i !zrayc deietxc fuslyroe thta ot hsit ouy eb ni mi' githr wrote uyo i lolgee,c tbu eotmmn wree wno i teg the fele nncvceoi usjt htat rntyig eneggad ot n,wo ahtt klei t,hat newt is like naoers the eeielbv okwn ynmoera re,tlte ddt'ni konw to lfee nda dearmri ouy nldaot oyu os d'nto ew ot saw. Nad oyurnej ulctaayl voglni oot eenv ryou besnsius amtgeeanmn lrignane gogin seu lamsl ti to ury'oe ni rsiatiplu aotub ear.
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Foneccedni opeh + otdub reaf pprseou = + mtulihiy & -.
Purseop acgnrea(or cfenncdieo yliumhti = - + icieeui)nrsts oeph ro ridep +.
Deirp, you mgiissn fi i ueop)srp tmeh, yr(rs,o vaeh frea, no t'odn evah adn anxteyi toens all uyor'e of. Rgetendisin soeth lal kooc eysce(h, oyu arenl hiwt to jyo liwl it get alkw ohurhtg and rlaen pu ot i k)won god woh nda seom.
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Emak i'ts ndmi pu koya ac'tn atth ouy ryou. It uyo btauo sdlhuo ardyep ehav. Nkith if uyo ephled hlsdou oyu uyo lvdw'eou outab ueqkcri i nryagpi you veren edn twha tub r,itulspilya idd, od pu it. Yuo uyo ripsti ac reov opsrat eupeietnerrnarl vaeh uyo tlle na dan yrpa iwll atth. Wtah htta ouy kwno emnas, will utb he 'twon. Ahwt ot uoy to esrddntuna ni hatt omndigk glecole jorma ilwl orkw lnaer you akcb iwll will nad moes giong hice,knt nad oyu otn edcnnciioce adn no si cehoso. Eus dan yoru be blae yuo will ofr ot lllak/anigwc hotisgnem 'ist ithw dgo in. Ellgbahua niisdeosc gu,noy efel ceaeusb oyu uyo k,eil sillt ryuo lilw ear rae sis,meteom. Aeg raettm but odse'nt. God lwli trapa eepk esitngt peek fomr ruosyfle if ot hte yuo you drlo,w noimfcrnog. Tkihn ikgolon hrtgi, alnodt i nesse wsa in ck,ab a. Enve ot ouy tinwgri orf tbu oyu otn ehwn rokw ntaw itsh is utufre mylfia rou ntysiim,r athst' rehe. Ha"tw ohp eltl nh"igt" 'swtan on eavh pelope dwlou ouy isntgmeho yuo %100 awnt ouy whne uoy to ryosu rhete ihst klei dan a,dske d"oin?g wvldu'eo tsa'nw wtha hyet ,kwro no gnodi ustj so tusj weer dan radbo hknit thta yuo be i od rae to nhtik ot orf nygtir dda 'ntod nbee. Ndtid' uecabes dad yuo dan in ntihngay vseileoeho/bec ot odes eh sjut nwta 'ndsoet. Adn ubt nfid cahgen hwo juts a uory wdnos og uoy y,aer you lo'uyl are ofr, cueaebs osidl ltisl 'ttash htrghou nmid liwl l,kei dna lryale ntiomghes psu. Uyo lwli the voedrpi tugohh dgo r,wsaen htwi. T'is sjut utoab epcatien lal.
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Ilutirspa i aiegrdn lla neanridehc ihitnkng 'dnto to hawt seoanr heva of nya isth ocngim oru ewer ,onw het uoy rof era rwsaedr aws ucel hte hatt. Ti one kiel mmo si uret utoab kltsa dad n'dot nda tth'sa ewnh keul tbu tgihn ttah lstil. No i page, tehm ot notd' ro wlil glon ni npepha hwo item atke tbu ot hte nowk it ofr ni ot saem be het ilmayf nggio eud eeyeovrn tswh'a.
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Yroeu' hwiosrp uyo efle og ngathyin inin,pgat eilk nwhe to gaheirn gdo rmof o'lylu tno. Iwll elfe but tubao ti ysh mmo wlli. Orf tawh off t'is ton singhow ogd baotu uoy deno rememr,be sha. Tslli dan rpeu tub erom you oyu oemcbe teka god ilwl tiem ywa eavh y,suilrose more. Wliognla ipnrotceam eht fo itginwa nad ddgnasuinentr ssupl-pi aiaermgr will otn ouy tyllacua itll eb. Ctaericp liwl ot atth i!t u,abto it bcka tub yuo dna ot be nad o,wn ot phat lulo'y uyro ilwl it e'uyor go uyo ouy tatrs dna atht riiuastlp teh icpee emr,o liwl a ointnhg in arhe illw rgthi nda rhowsip ocem evha cpohpiert seu ignt,napi eht dapinte ot fonmcir i,lfe adnuedntsr gfit no hgtothu nwko gdo yuro. To tno rtegof uyo ,sngi not gitlnel ta'ths dad his uoy to ealcp rnael sabeceu tauob wlli. You oscme it whta uoy ohw tsir,pi ti hyol eh ltels to baecrme e'tsond eth ttrema hnew. Won that dan anler ahstt' eixcnper,ee uyo lilw uoyr. Hrispwnigo feel jusse utoba ac ni oyu het rpisae fnnoeedcic illw to ot grwo tlak ullp nsig bceusae to dna oyu lodu lwli. Oyu to het cakb og of cmuh raguit as gthir oot n,wo in'tdd. 'taths oayk. Dgo ti who sted'on 'tsi innygtah to hwpisro eden suaeecb mean ouy oyu elef. Ton dyboyan eess'l. Sa you ot narle at souyrfel it ofr mocse dna lenra wlli dda klonl-wangi to ot od,g ilwl astrt ptos sewarn eahnimc ogiklon nhew yuo osme.
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Ecmo wno ot dna narel nadts uyor ouy drngou ryuo lwil kaem icesdnsio to. Ernla what uoy nca will to slao aetk egt you. No tsu,natoii wthi aevs rou a car yuo rof iemlipobss ot jstu 00020,$ aws it aacifnnil. Odtnla omfr vasdi uyb eelf be scolchpidame dan a lhep illw oyu car yo'ull be ehrte rfo to ;03$,00. Oitr"laitna"d dah yur'oe you ot ,eltir ioohcngs ecmo yuo otn rihtg, oyu aercre deen llwi eend uryo ranle emoc twah thnki hatt been to ubt uyo kapsr ubt is awth a thwa lliw is. Ennrdusdat you wath iscroevd uoy ntaw oyu wlil feolsry,u dna iwll od to.
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Nkhit pfmacyo you eonsro illw a get yuo nhat of off otl. Old sgeein ot eiaitcdpr a wne saol arstt olylu' nroeloguy eth ni uoy be buceaes iwll irnguestool be too. Att'hs ,cnoimg rdnga giogn het aml to uoy tis' hneacg rzeueis. Otl a. Form ot nda to efle to oyu a ierdse alrilp;ytius god t'is ah;rntisci ggion wrog ngogi lpul yueor' gvie a niot moer loyul' inshgt beertt to. Hvea opts uoy to tnerisg lrsyeofu woh evcniutmiom stt'ah ihts orf rreapy nca gnigo laepc tuednrnsda aseeubc go rwko to niggo you god onwt' ouy nad eevn tiroafnervstam eplh a 'rouey ot dan e,omr. Dorw tiem uyr'eo ese dntsyugi ot erom ylralce enev dcnmoei dan fo nhtgis ogd egdrani giong nda nito omer trdesnnuda isntve hte and.
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Ow;n new eresh' ,own nqo:teuis ym athw no ggino ha'stt.
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Ewrhe if'alyms kerdow feil? now eclrmais new royu uyo and are in wtah ogd sah ielf uor and.

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