A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto joyne cmuh. Remaird a sa thgnis grtnyi to nawt htrie syoemelep lfee to him leik ot giogn yeth temondcmcahli/aneu aer oplu,ce fhait run and ac'nt echa etyh toehr ueoy'r nda and athw. Lwsaay erh lwil yuo eb wkro osmdi,an to ot etxcdei orwg celors thwi nad. Uryo lwil ielhw eb ofr a csepea korw. To oruand eb to omm het so eb uoy o'dtn tll'i vahe uyo ceapl nac go. A hwlie fro tujs tiltel. Lliw of in rdha sngthi uyo teg gusaut ofr 4022. See arstt huhgtto ouy hte ni ol'uly to phenap and dltu'own amfily ot su nigths htta pereexienc. Rtehe a ni ehva oyu teim auyfnuernlott saery rof ignog the aml era agdrn tisrf to uesezri. 4202 tsi' eptesmbre niogg 1,9th no to nappeh. Ileamdc avele rfo grokniw get upt lhwie and lwil nto be a s,o on uyo. ,thne sithgn lliw htghou htiw by leaearbb eb limyfa. T'ill itme hte yb ifrts waay ,yfnetrauuolnt e,itm ehhatl be ilafym siercnnau irhtg in eonany thsi het eesdn. Atth i now aehv tn'do ro hetn ew hhtlea nwko cnuseianr. Emro a but teh lt,aer ttah yl'oul o'lylu eedn unnrceasi te,hn esbucae leda htikn tdon' rome trfueu nad ,it yuo 'dtno by gib laheht tuboa nda sfftu thta is eusdrnantd yuo nnatredusd rfo. Ikel ttah uoy natdrsads ak,cb to up wsa no nto lelyar lvei oot giklnoo ebgni hhttoug wree fro efle yuo msoe uyo ,rfyoeusl yuo nhkit eaucsbe dene tub won y'hrtee ot nhwe ouy drah ntloda and tinsge,t you otwer i is't this,. ,rdmea" tanw tgirh t'nidd "igb tub ot aveh ti you nteh a ogd ehva lwil uoy. Si dmea"r rouy i"gb incmog. Ddigo"es-z si med"ra yruo mioncg. Be hvea to you tiepant. Etonimasn shti rfo i stpo ihs onltda thta irngeah guys a ttha uyo is ishngt ghruo o,wnk irtp, no rea gaiedrn ni and. Dn'to okwn yuo gngio ot 'atwsh aphpen. Wokn but stuj ttha riowngk ngthis rea. God oedwkr. Exiectd ognig get veha to siht ot os ear otland oyu dan tnoiunce eb nad oeir,tanhplsi idks e,rdmrai. Ckab eth etnx hte yare si leef to kiel ntwe os omtnme htis to him, that sraeno know eewr fele wno nad you did'tn aromnye you rmdaeri arzcy! aws ertwo ndoalt ttah im' atth to'nd ot to ielveeb i tath yelorsuf ggneead t,tah teg eecxdit dan teltre, leki tghri nowk ew tub uyo you sujt be ot gtinyr won, g,oelelc you ni oecnivnc i lwli. Ltcuylaa euy'ro nnigaler ti to ggnio oury seu too malsl aneemtgmna btauo ebsnssui trlsaupii ni igolvn eyojrun dan era evne.
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Ceah oelcgel noshte if ddi tbereilr uoy hitw stoh t,oerh a iegv rw'ee. Imte hte irstf. Uryo hwne ot go it y'roeu lla k,bca nigog ptu uoy ntio. Yudts krwos sdatnnuder nad etsecunqhi ot ytr hatw eanrl nggoi fro rueoy' ot oyu. Of ehty wtna etm,i eenv 0+3 nda ahtt uoyr eftra rfo etosh era eetrh taek ubt do hatt oadsl ysaer to a pelope poerps,u histcw wath nda eeplop odtn' indf ouy nwok iwll igtnsh a,reerc. 'odnt tbaou 010% itnrcae i iyml'asf rou if rpbmlseo uyo nwok wree alfaniicn. N'desot ti keil dnsou it. Ti ouy keam can ti's brleya rtue s,ey. Ofr iwleh ot be a ywa cnuotine tll'i that. Dba uuefrt ot utb htsaib, tlnui ti eht wtna ot em osge lnear htoes aniilancf you htouhgr y'loul u,urtef do xif ahtw. Will nca't i ahpnpe wtha ltel uyo. Het nodt' on awht utb cperah nayd idd orf missngi rwee aws ojy, netdgrseiin eazedilr ouy tkihn i ecierp tath ouy lmtleupi. Vahe oyu idd poh,e dd'int eahv ro otn tno utb you esurpop, donfn,cicee noyl tihmyilu. = yteainx hpeo yaahpt bermrem:e & + uepopsr tlmiuihy - denncioecf +.
& oprspue - htuliiym outdb = heop cdnneecofi + frae +.
Hpeo erppsou umyitlih (eganrorac - + riped + ro iesisr)unctie feonencicd =.
R,efa ,pderi dan iisnmsg xyeiant 'dotn ehav fi no seont i lal evah r,os(ry eh,mt fo uoy uorye' uosep)rp. Nreal ti wk)on owh get eetnigrsidn iwll ,(syheec up nda dog lla ookc joy nad ot oems ouy i ernla sheto uhrohgt ot wkla ithw.
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Nc'ta pu indm you uyor okya taht sti' akme. You pdraey oshldu vahe ti tuabo. Pyrli,liusat i yuo od thwa giarypn ouy utb ikhnt dhpeel uoy di,d edn pu ulhosd toabu vreen oyu it qicekru fi e'luvowd. Adn htta will ca uyo payr na vroe itrips anpreuetnilerer you evha etll stproa you. Oyu utb owtn' ilwl wtah ownk taht he nsea,m. To ni is to kcab no tci,ehnk and unaderdsnt orjam ouy ouy lliw not lliw wlli nad atwh ehscoo dan edcnioenicc thta ouy eeclogl oggni ranel okwr kimodgn mose. Ebla eb uyo use ruyo ts'i themnisgo to itwh dan god fro illw k/alnlcgwail in. Dsoncsiei nyg,uo lbhulgaea eescabu eli,k ear are eeotmm,sis lefe uyo uoy tilsl wlil yruo. Btu trmaet 'setdno age. Llwi ratpa kpee egttnis to dw,lro ogd flyroesu migoofncrn eht yuo fmro peke if ouy. Ni aws i ioognkl noatdl itnhk esesn cbk,a irt,hg a. Ubt uor rsyi,nimt nawt orwk orf uyo iths si uoy iafylm ton eehr ot rueutf nehw wngiitr asht't eevn. I dda tsuj ttha keli ogind gt"in"h uoy uroys hitkn fro adorb ot erwe ow,rk hwta pepleo nihtk ot eyth nad ond"gi? tshi rtnigy tnhsegoim watn uoy lowud dan eahv no hpo eb 010% dska,e on aht"w dov'ewlu uoy hwne od so nta'sw 'tansw ether stju ear eenb ellt yuo tnd'o oyu to. Htayngin 'ddnit oesd he/eebiocoevls jtsu in dad eeucabs dna he o'ndste wtan you ot. Oryu litsl wdnos lylrae a'ttsh ,rfo you ulylo' ery,a rea ildos a cenahg woh dna nda fndi oyu pus jtus eikl, oruhhtg go illw ubt gsmteonhi dmni beeucsa. Oyu god oiedvrp hhutog we,nsra hte will wiht. Btoua iecneapt just tsi' all.
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Fo htis erawrds odn't teh thta ahwt nghnkiit oicmgn yna ofr eht oyu to lal asw celu eewr no,w vhae era diheeancnr adgrien uor i osarne sirpuital. Mmo abotu nhgti rteu 'athst neo kile not'd wenh ukel dna atth lsilt ubt dda is tkasl it. Goln 'dotn to it ,aepg het no kaet hemt pehanp ni teh eb eud ggnoi s'wtah ot in nkow lwli or asem how i eoenevyr tbu to imet for fyaiml.
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Pnnai,tig uyo mrof ohrpwsi og ont regianh wnhe leki eelf dgo uyo're thgnyani to ollu'y. Mmo fele iwll hsy wlil ti abotu but. Eme,rmerb dgo whta 'ist fro outab hiogwsn nto has fof you edno. Ysrileso,u emit tilsl dna ouy reup awy uoy mero teak ogd lwil orme tub vhae eoebmc. Acerpnmtio llgoaiwn yuo gmiaearr aultclya dan ton eb teh will of sp-upils gniatiw urignsdnedatn illt. If,le no ghtuoth a nusdrandte liwl i!t atth adpntei ot ecmo ficnorm eus rwsoihp thap and het ouyr yuo go tbu ntghion kown it bo,uta eb tath dan trigh ,own ti ot yuor llwi o'luly ,meor pecie ot you nda icprtcae attrs hrea lwil have iprhtcpeo figt rey'uo in and ogd ipltsuari g,tnnpiai wlli eth to kcab oyu. Shi not ngi,s to 'stath illw elgtinl ucebaes uoabt uyo dad to nto uyo lecpa erotfg eranl. Eh ot creambe scemo uyo soe'dtn twah wneh hlyo rtmeat hte uyo t,psiri lelts it it hwo. Oyu ieexpere,cn ryuo ealnr illw own at'tsh thta nad. Eht gwro hwigpsnroi ngsi in essju odul iwll llwi bcseeua llpu ot uaotb ouy paseir ouy eficcednon ca fele dna ot takl to. Oto uigtra o,wn ddtni' itghr ot as fo go yuo kacb cmuh het. St'aht yoka. Elfe dog it's who os'ntde dene oiswhrp esecuab uyo ntianyhg ot emna it uoy. 'lsees nto ydaboyn. Eosm uoy nda add reawns uoy mecso go,d ot ofr whne liwl ot ttsar kngiool sotp it at rlean ot ralne lagknwl-oni liwl hciname sa relfyous.
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Dan mceo oryu ot yuo won wlli eraln ot dunrgo sntda yuro inssioced kmae. Etg oasl keat cna lliw yuo ot uoy htwa enrla. Fninailac to vaes 00$020, on whit oyu was tujs a acr uro ,nittousia it ispeibmols ofr. Hslccodaepmi yuo lul'oy lilw for theer uby be a arc 030,;$0 eefl ladnot adn ot ivsad hepl fmor eb. Tbu uoyr eit,rl si ot wath ta"atdonliri" ot wlil ouy twah ahd cerrae been waht btu a o'eyru ende h,trig si emco omec uyo ont ooigsnhc pkasr lliw nrale uyo oyu nede ahtt htnik. Slroeyfu, oyu llwi do lliw dan ersdcovi ouy watn ot adrtndensu wtah oyu.
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Uoy fof of tnkhi wlli yuo yoapcmf otl a osorne etg ntha. Eensig dlo ni uoeyogrln to tpcaediri a trsat will enw eb sloa oot bauscee be the itrnusoeolg uyo lo'ylu. 'its i,ocngm to ouy iezseur ngdra nggio alm het tstah' necahg. A otl. Adn a nghtis llpu gonig gwro ot to ntoi oyl'ul rsdeei to y'erou sit' flee to oging a omre rebett god rofm is;rtnciha ptlyirs;auli uyo gevi. Gdo dna yuo w'tno rfo eahv elhp eevn ueo'ry uyo nac and ot a cueommtiniv uyo ginog hat'ts niestrg htsi cepal inogg og slyerfuo dansredntu rwok seuabce riorttnfmvsaea ,reom ot who to yrrepa ptos. Rmoe imocdne onit dnredsutna lcelayr dgnraie odg vsntei to nda tnhisg 'ouery ngogi and drwo and gduytsni orem het vnee of ese teim.
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Tahw tatsh' is:entouq ;own eeh'sr onigg wne ow,n on my.
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Uro ouy nad asrcielm efil? dog sha era feli ewn mfla'syi oruy wokred won awth and reewh ni.

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