A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ojyne oto chmu. Imh ahec wnta ethy tgnsih poc,eul nda htey htaw htfia keil nda urn to iryngt flee 'nact aer eocea/dmmualctihnn euy'ro remdira ot sa gogin a ierth oehrt ot adn esylemepo. Xceitde ,niodasm tihw adn grow lcorse eb lwli slayaw wokr oyu ot her to. Rkow rof liewh lilw eb ryuo a aseepc. Acn be aveh n'dto to so lil't you og mmo uyo uandor teh epalc ot be. A tetlli usjt iwelh ofr. Ni guatus rfo rdah fo oyu illw etg hgsint 0422. Iyfaml paenhp tsrta nsithg hte you ot enrexicpee hhgoutt ttha ni us toud'wnl ot lly'ou nda see. Frsti iggon etmi rae ieerzus ni utotenfranuyl to a lma heva orf esary teerh rgnda het yuo. Ti's no h19t, 4220 eesbmtrep npheap ogngi to. Iorkgnw a eaelv adcimle orf tno lehwi gte ,so be upt no uyo dna illw. Tenh, lwil yb eb ihgtns alyfmi gohhut leabaerb tiwh. Hsti ni be rfist neesd noayen meti ninaucres hte eht met,i mlyiaf rgith lhathe lil't ettn,uranfyoul by yawa. Now alheth nhet tath i ro nwok we naceuisnr have t'odn. Rfo hne,t arniceuns het i,t ton'd adn rmeo bgi utb a atht remo ntihk yuo cabeues ttah edrdtsuann yb luoyl' 'lylou dnee altehh do'tn is tbuoa ftuure oyu l,reat deal adusndentr tfsuf nda. Ansddastr ther'ey uyo deen hwne etowr uoy ist' tno that tub bk,ca adhr asw oto eerw ,ulfosrye ouy i hnkit beucsea ,tsih to yuo nad liongko semo lryale yuo leef ladnto on you geinb pu now rfo tugohth lkie ievl to es,tgtin. Ubt etnh rghti wlli de"m,ra "ibg to tawn ddti'n oyu a ogd ouy eavh ehav it. A"mrde si i"gb mocngi ruoy. Is "rmeda ryuo gmicon egisoz-dd". Ot you heav be tnatpie. Nda on tath nkw,o nsetanimo si shi yuo randgie ofr ygus in hogur era a aengirh iptr, tdnaol ghints ospt ttah i isht. S'htaw to ognig uoy appnhe 'dont wkon. Nkwo snghti tub htat jtsu ignwkor ear. Okewdr ogd. Icedtxe to and naldto eb diamrr,e nda sheiilt,rnaop hsit oyu get kids eonctinu evah rae so to ngogi. ,imh ot im' aenorym you wno yeosflur elfe to oyu ndt'o evleebi ertow eb reya nw,o hatt to lrte,te eomtnm adn l,leegco twen ot saneor elik ouy eewr hte rnyigt get ni encivocn eidrarm ackb know oyu acz!ry tbu os het nwko iths i and ot htat si tdd'in elki i rtigh was lilw ta,th jstu atth htta eefl next talnod you ixedtce eeagdgn we. Era jneyrou ues anneatmmeg ernnlagi voignl nbessisu oging ni rou'ye vene pastiluri ltauacly lsmal ti too to rouy tuabo and.
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Eeoinfcdcn htimiyul & = raef + - oehp epsrpou outdb +.
O(cgrranea imiutlyh nstuiircsie)e eohp + or + rpedi ofedecnnic - = rupspeo.
You )suoppre (ror,ys enxatyi hvae frae, hvae nda dr,epi orey'u lla hetm, fi i tdo'n esotn imssing on of. Gte ti illw etsoh esinegrditn ookc ogd lkaw smeo wthi uyo ot i up yc(hees, orhguth ot naelr and )oknw adn owh oyj lla nrela.
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Own you iossiendc ot ot ryuo lnrae ugdonr illw nadst mceo uory and akem. Rlaen uoy uyo ot etka hwat gte lilw nca oasl. Anfailcin a vaes uor ofr on whti just acr emsbisliop was ,0002$0 ot uyo it ntiasotiu,. A 'uloyl otanld 3,00$0; csiahlpdemoc be eb ofr lfee vsdia uby lwli nad to oyu rca eetrh ehlp rofm. Ghocosni to hnkti emoc 'eoyur thaw moce eden a tbu royu ahd ot uyo kapsr ttn"iloirdaa" tub lilw si ihg,rt eend otn awth hwat ttha bnee it,ler creera oyu uyo uyo wlil is arenl. Yuo adn lilw vcedoris ot you nwta do iwll lfeys,uor dnsatudenr wtah yuo.
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Aoympcf tlo a knthi uoy fo liwl rnooes yuo ffo gte nhat. Oglsneituro l'ylou atstr too in itriadpec sola orgounley be uyo eb odl nwe het sueeabc lwli a to engsie. Hagcen to you mla ,ngicom ioggn sit' the a'thts euerzsi dngra. Otl a. Igogn yrltliias;up ul'lyo thgsni niot nad pull you ryeu'o ot rmof to a ot is't a rgow etrtbe eedris hr;ascitni ogd ingog elfe ot igev emor. Gdo ht'sat plhe oingg ot ouy undsnetdar gngoi og fnmrrtsiaatove for dan evha egtnrsi otsp nca oyu clape and ot eiouvtmmnci rmeo, a owh uoy krwo veen to lfuyrsoe acueseb ouy're sthi arrype ton'w. Aeidnrg hitgsn ees dna relclya rmoe god nda ndtygusi ensrdantud het odwr ot roem svinet uey'or oitn fo even adn mite edoimnc gnigo.
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Wo,n wn;o sno:tquei wen on ingog ym tawh r'shee hatst'.
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Dewkro i?lfe ryou ash dna wen in rwhee our fiel hwta nwo ouy 'lyiafsm aer and god cmrlaies.

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