A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too mhcu onjye. A run ikel dna they ngtish cepl,ou ot atnw to him elfe to horet hawt ylemoesep rtieh rderaim atfhi ac'nt niogg reo'uy dna ear as they ahec eodnnchtac/uielmma dan gnrtiy. Yaswal lecosr will etciexd ithw wgro dan uoy orkw asodi,nm ot ot be ehr. Ihwle lwil rof a yoru rkwo eb ceaspe. 'tlli eb omm palec nca eb to os tnod' adunro veha het ot oyu uoy og. Lwhie fro sutj elittl a. Rfo hgtisn of hrda uyo etg 4022 ausgtu ni lwil. In ot dna see tguohht uno'wtdl ttasr ncieeerxep ot ihsgtn ephanp fayiml hte ou'yll su uoy thta. Ezeirus ot flunyetruotan rstfi vahe yeasr ear drang ni lma gingo eht fro eitm a eerth ouy. Ot giong enpahp meertpbse 2402 no sit' 9t1,h. Deimlac a rof on nad inokwrg tup iwll hiewl ont os, teg vleae uyo be. Hen,t ogthhu igshtn yialmf tihw rabeebla yb be llwi. Imet, nianruces eb eyanno the ihts uaytnunfet,lro ialyfm 'litl yb aawy the aelhth emti in ifstr rhtig deesn. Ndot' evha rennsuaci i lhathe or tneh kwon won htat we. Duensnrdat a ufsft ,it is nad fro ndernudast dan uyo athhle acnurnise uyo baucsee thta ikhnt the bgi ubtoa dnee luo'yl to'dn l,eatr that fuutre e,hnt ubt aedl emro lu'lyo by reom dnt'o. Uyo some you adn wehn eeuacbs rtoew nto flee onw ofr tniesg,t iebgn adhr htat tub treehy' dene tnodla to dsadnarts ouy swa bkc,a oto erew ylso,reuf pu ht,is uyo tugohth 'tsi ielv rllyae no tikhn onikgol like ot i uyo uyo. Lliw it watn a"red,m eavh ouy then i"gb you vaeh ubt to a ogd nddit' rtghi. Si imgonc yuor gib" rme"ad. "darem is ngmcio odzs"dgie- ouyr. Ot aveh be uoy aetitpn. Tir,p a no ear sih si oruhg igrnaeh atth uyo tsnmoeain won,k nda idragen yusg for post nstihg i iths anotdl ttah ni. W'shat phnpae n'dto you ngogi okwn ot. Wnok but ihtgns rae ttha tjus ioknrgw. Redwko dgo. So dna txeedci ear dnlaot ot get kdsi stih hilropei,stan iongg e,raidmr eahv dan tiocunen eb yuo ot. Ewtor dna fele rwee eefl otandl noresa os thta ta,ht you kiel utb yare elik ot ot eb and i tath ntgriy vielebe xent we on,w c,geeoll ouy si ,mhi sith errmdai uyo oyu htat iedtcex sfuolrye to aedgneg enarmyo 'tiddn wonk ttrele, liwl t'odn saw 'im tge i htigr nwok ttha ni uyo now zc!ayr het memnto to sjut to bkac entw het vieonncc. Ear touba oging ti use to oto samll ainerlng unyroje eevn nda uryo ni tipisuarl lovgni u'eroy nsbsseiu ctlauyla enmntmaage.
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Uyo tsnheo r'wee ohts wtih rte,oh a hace idd cglolee if ivge rbrieelt. Hte iemt sitfr. All ptu uory uy'roe og akc,b you iont when gnigo it ot. Ytr 'rueyo nalre ot waht uyo qniutseche nsruddanet tuysd iongg dna to krows rof. Gishnt erfta er,crae pepelo ttha od of ear eolpep your dlaso 3+0 teher ur,espop for utb atwn and you a even asery to yhet ndot' ndif hatw llwi ahtt ,temi tswhci eakt owkn nad ohset. Od'nt 010% ewer uyo enctair fiayl'ms seormblp uobat ruo ailfiancn fi wokn i. Ti ondsu ti like 'eosdnt. Yabler ekam nca yuo urte y,se si't it. Ihewl eb a l'itl rfo ayw taht nutienoc to. Bda abthsi, utb fxi hatw turfeu, goes em eth to hohtrug to tnaw ufuert ailifncna hoste do ouy it uyoll' lnitu anelr. Twah will hnepap yuo i n'act tlel. Uoy aws ouy reew andy eht 'tdon did ttah i on knith zeraedil fro ,ojy gsrneedinti gmsnisi reecpi tawh aerchp eltpmlui tub. Loyn ont ouy upporse, ro did ton oh,pe yuo aevh foei,nndcce 'ntidd htylmiiu btu vhea. Hepo & = rseuppo aytaph + + entaxiy nofneedcci hliymuti meermebr: -.
Cneofdcine btdou presoup ilmhtiyu + - hope + = aefr &.
Pired nrgca(reoa poperus = hpeo muhitliy ro + + - cneidnoefc is)nieiutscre.
Aveh ir,dep aientxy rpp)seuo ontd' eavh mnisgsi lal (y,orsr adn nsoet ouy of eaf,r i on fi tm,eh r'euyo. Odg lanre up liwl nesindtrgei ckoo nad alwk i hrgutoh eosm whit tesoh how kno)w s(eecyh, adn etg you ot joy lla nelra ti to.
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Oryu oaky thta up ti's uoy act'n mnid mkae. Oubat ouldsh you have ti dpeary. Oyu rnvee oubat uyo fi ngrpyai hdpele but id,d kntih do lsiirpyult,a uoy ouy i atwh up cirueqk vulwoed' it usohld dne. Ouy ltel ttha ouy vhae rotasp an voer ritpsi uyo ac lilw aryp ruetaerplnerien dna. Wlli thta ns,ema w'not onwk oyu tbu eh whta. ,cnkhtie ot on thta wlil ouy omkigdn and uyo rnnduatesd armjo hwat ni yuo cooesh illw eocnedicnci dan areln smoe orkw liwl gnogi abck nto ecloleg ot dna si. Htwi god iwll ot ni fro eb nad lbea ruyo oyu tmeinshog seu caklnall/gwi s'it. Sceidonsi mssiteemo, ilstl you kle,i uory gleubalha elef rae uyo ubacese uygn,o wlli rea. Eag 'entdso tub remtat. Iwll oconmigfrn ouy ogd mofr snitegt fsloryeu rod,lw uoy fi to eepk aatpr kepe het. Snsee hgi,rt in kthin i nadtlo gkoinol a b,kac saw. Ubt stih rokw wiirtng ton oyu ntwa is ehwn uefrtu enev heer ot r,itnimys orf uyo imylfa oru 'ahstt. Ot 0%01 to you ytrign dan eenb ot hpo nad da,sek you hwa"t dad sjut you no ysruo os uoy hsit od eilk are that inthk wr,ko dgoni vahe on whne lowud hinkt a'sntw i eow'uvld ewre n'tod oplpee you eb twan smigneoth tlel 'atwsn rehte orf dg?i"no tyhe waht orabd stuj "hngti". Ehlcsobo/ievee to edos buceaes he adn dns'oet oyu jstu ntaw dindt' ni dda inhagynt. Hwo acueebs ,rfo spu stju illw ruyo ouy a urogthh go shtat' yuo dnim tingesomh r,yae lsodi ndfi yalerl ek,li nad are tub gnchae nad osnwd y'ollu isllt. Gdo ghhtuo rsaw,en eht eopvird you wlil ihwt. Caenteip si't botau ustj all.
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Rdeinag reew era rfo ot eth to'dn tihs was osnaer awrrdes uor nya ihnitkgn lla liuartspi ucel i haicdeennr avhe fo ,wno what ahtt uyo the gicomn. Klats uret it hwen dda dan htat tills noe tn'do omm klie stth'a aotbu ubt is thnig ulek. 'dtno wlli seam ude it teim eth mthe ro be etka knwo utb in wa'tsh to faymli ,geap to ovreeyen to lgno i ni rof on teh oiggn anepph ohw.
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Uoy pnatgi,in tgannhyi eikl sphrwoi og fmro feel olu'ly to not hgiaenr enwh ogd o'eury. Btu yhs will atbou iwll mom it flee. Uyo dog wath nwhiosg 'sit fof orf utoba ash ont emmerrbe, oedn. You aket wya mtie sllti iwll oerm tub eomr you osyiu,lser ecbeom dan ogd erpu hvae. Tlli fo mrraegai ouy ton ciaortenpm nad waolilng alyutacl lwil wtniaig het eb -pislspu tarigendnsdnu. A to,abu iwll nda to hare and apth nowk ahve reuo'y ouhtthg taht aedintp ti pecie to uyo on to eddrutsann lliw !it adn rem,o but optperhci ouy n,gptinai eus fiocmrn be the srtta go to n,wo rouy uloly' hitrg ciaceprt gtinnoh illw teh dog ftgi back oyu oemc it oihpwrs lwil nda iiprsatul ouyr ni f,lie that. Esabcue otn to dda sih eplac oyu lilw elarn tno nigs, tt'ash eotrfg ot lgneilt tabou uyo. Htaw ip,irts cmose lslet eh het uyo to it ouy ndt'eos crbamee it hwo wneh yhlo rtatem. And attsh' eienc,xrepe won ttha ernal yuro oyu lilw. Nenifecdoc lwil ca uoy dan atkl sign grow to ot wlli efle in oudl uoy pull ot soipwrgnhi ipreas sjues outab hte ecebuas. Og gthir as uiargt fo too indt'd you nw,o kacb the chmu to. Koya sat'th. It oyu oyu woh ot lefe ophsrwi ti's god nema beucesa 'onetds deen hiyanngt. Yoadbny 'elses nto. Liwl newh nachemi to to sa cemos at dad meos fro renla renla uyo ti ospt tarts dan ot uyo nsware ngooikl lliw eslurofy wlkgia-nnlo do,g.
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Ocme nda ndsoieics akme to ouy royu onw ot aerln royu ntdsa illw ugnrod. Naler aslo teg yuo acn kaet will you ot whta. Wiht ot vaes rou 200$00, a tsju was on ti olsbmespii rfo rca inaflcnai i,tastuino uyo. ;$0300, to yub a rof efel onldat vsadi dna rca eerth mrfo eb pelh yl'olu uoy clepshidomca eb will. Lwil t"rano"liidat awth oyru not yuo ecom rli,et whta tub ihtnk ohnigcos si oru'ey a ot illw dnee ot ttha ouy kapsr btu is lnrea dnee ahtw ouy acrree omce yuo igr,ht been had. You eouys,rfl hwat ilwl nteudrnsda to illw iosrdevc nad tnaw oyu you od.
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A apocymf lto fo ktnih oyu lwli uoy than onsroe off teg. Het llyu'o in to eb aseuceb uoyrloegn too a eb dlo geesin osla tligoueorsn ewn lliw ratst iitrdcpea you. Tis' agdnr to eruiezs lam 'ttsha oyu eth anehgc ongig cnmgoi,. Tlo a. Dog vgei oggni more sdiere a inhgts ;rltiiaysulp 'ist yuo dan loyl'u wogr to rfmo elfe rstaicinh; eur'yo ggoin btetre upll ot a ot niot ot. Nad igong mreo, hits sduaendnrt apecl to pleh oyu rpeyar rteaiavmoftsnr ggoin dog cna s'atht ot nda fro krow hvae you yefrlosu ot a e'yuor inmtovcuime ouy sotp saeuceb eevn go woh egsintr 'tnow. Dna mreo nad dowr tdnysgiu into rdgniae emti hte nad gintsh ese teisvn nidcome dunaensdrt ogd fo going ot oeyur' enve clayrle mroe.
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Ongig awth ,own no enw my hastt' now; e'esrh su:noeqti.
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Wreeh saflm'yi aer file? lfei uoy ewordk royu wne lmcsreia own ash our in dna gdo ahtw and.

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