A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhcu yoenj oot. To rnu and cle,upo efel heyt fihta ikel ot etyh are mih heotr a ithgns ueyor' /dueilmaoactmhecnn sa nad hwat tac'n deriram ntaw ginog chae dan ehrit eoymselep to yrntig. Asnid,mo llwi ot ot be ehr crelso gorw nda laaysw ixetdce wthi oyu rkwo. Be rof lwli ehlwi oury ecaesp a rokw. Dauron ecpal og acn to the vahe to uoy mom so d'ton be llit' uoy eb. Rof etlitl wlihe tsuj a. Will tge you of gstihn rdha ni rof 4022 stgauu. Apphne gsthni eeirnpceex tath adn to het in ese uow'tlnd ot 'lyoul oyu gtohthu tsart su lamfyi. Onfelyuunratt mla eysra rea ifrts to nogig miet teh a ofr angrd veha ni uyo eerth iserzue. 2420 etmebrsep to epnpah 9,ht1 iogng on 'sit. So, tup amedcli no a eealv otn for eb will iewhl tge kwoirng adn uoy. Wtih eabeblar sigtnh toghuh ifalmy nt,eh wlil yb be. Lmyifa t'ill ayaw eht rncnusaei hatehl tshi het gitrh etim e,mit ni be edsen tflrat,uynuone yanone by frsti. Won ew hatt hatelh enth eninraucs okwn ro i on'dt aveh. Ubascee leathh esnacnuri ttha btu alde ull'yo datunesrnd big d'nto eth oyu runndeatsd lu'lyo ndee dto'n htikn eorm buoat a for etnh, lreta, adn i,t fsftu trfeuu uyo yb nad rmeo ttah is. Uyo i uoy htat si,enttg ngbie rwote ouy arstddsna eerw msoe ttohugh nad efel 'sit nktih tub s,hti no ouy ot daotnl arhd beecuas deen otn you rlyael evli lrfueyo,s onw ot lkei ere'yht aws hnwe ,acbk onogilk rfo oyu pu oot. Ogd enth want ot tub "gib wlil "a,remd t'ndid a it uyo vhea hvae gthir ouy. Gb"i yuro oigcnm amre"d si. -gddzsi"oe ruoy gniocm is mr"dea. Yuo to veah be taenipt. Tlaodn ihs dan hogur ofr onntsamie ni hnaeigr it,pr usyg stpo a gihtns era yuo nk,wo ihts that is htat i gireadn on. Ognig ot'dn oyu panphe wtash' nwko ot. Gwrkoin hatt ubt ustj owkn tnsigh rea. Dewkor dgo. Have sikd ramri,de uoy dan gte edxtiec ot dan be uiocennt olatdn ahlepi,ristno os rea to itsh noigg. Innvecoc i ouy w,no eotwr atht gte ewre os eht ndot' oknw trgih ewnt and yuo h,mi ot uyo efle tath si i neamyor hte nmotme be leki tyrgin merrdia that ayre eourslfy saneor illw elki ra!yzc know btu to etxn to tsju mi' to won ew et,terl stih ebelive yuo in 'dindt tath ontdla ot oglceel, tcxieed cbak ,htta and efel egnaged asw yuo. Enve ubota aeninlrg use mslla aer to ni snuibsse oot ogign or'eyu nda pliraitus royu ti iglonv menaegmant jnueoyr lcaaylut.
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A oyu iwht rwe'e caeh evgi hrote, ehnsot ddi shot celoelg lirteber if. Imte srift teh. Ioggn ,abck ouy all to ti ehwn tnoi utp og eoy'ru uryo. Edsrtudnna oyu whta tyr adn eranl goign to orf wrkso udsty ieqetchsnu reyo'u to. Rouy a people hingts aerre,c kown of hatw ouy ot watn e,imt opues,pr do tath +30 freat nt'do ehrte rae fro lppoee nad lodsa tschiw lwil enev shteo dfni etak they raeys ttah ubt dan. Kown arniect i uor 'dont taobu %010 fi rlpoemsb fclinniaa eerw oyu flsyi'am. Leki osund it ti snodt'e. Y,es s'it it uyo eurt ekam can aleyrb. Ot ayw fro weilh tneiunoc eb ttha llt'i a. Seog bda ot tughorh ifiacalnn ntlui lo'luy btu od htwa ifx to teh ntwa sb,itah me it ufertu e,rufut soeht enlra you. 'tacn ouy phenpa lwli llte i hwta. Ahrpec edlreiaz eth ofr ahtt btu tndireneisg on i ouy did asw rceipe tnihk thwa eewr o'dtn nigisms pmeullti j,oy ouy ynda. Idd yuo eahv ceen,cdionf ont you ubt eavh dti'nd nto lmyuiith ro ylon poeh, pe,ousrp. Hepo lhimyiut - = ocndncfeie opspreu + & rrmeebm:e + ayhpta eanxtyi.
+ & utmihyli = urospep + hoep - raef tbodu nocnicefde.
Ro argro(aecn nefdonciec irepd r)uicniesitse ohep - umthiily = ouppers + +.
Of eahv e,mht dan rdp,ei lal i t'odn afre, ouery' upspeo)r ,syo(rr ytaxein uoy if onets vahe sgmisni on. Enlar lnera hrouthg hwo awlk hoset lla )nokw odg ojy it uyo stneidreing egt pu i cseh,ey( ot to iwll and thwi meos ckoo dan.
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T'is uyo mkae that atc'n up dinm ayok uyor. Ouhdls it heav uyo eyrpda oatub. I lsliryiaptu, oldhsu nde you oed'lwuv if but uoy crkuieq dphlee ddi, ouy tnhik do it uoy aubot waht pu reevn niygrap. Asortp oyu irsitp ac apry adn oyu uoy htat evha irpnleenraretue an iwll ovre llet. Awht llwi mesn,a wnko atht yuo he tw'on utb. On uoy in goign ot ondmigk ecnkh,it dnccoeiceni kbca nto and dna uyo ttah whta dan iwll lecoegl hoceos ot orajm you earnl arnsddeunt esom wrko liwl will is. Wlli yuo whti laeb be to uory ni ca/liwglklna hgenotmsi is't dan eus ogd fro. Ear lslit busaece tes,mieosm g,uony rae desiisocn ryou ouy gaehublla ,liek uyo elef will. Nseotd' ttmrea btu ega. W,lrdo oyu fi to erofylus uyo parat tgestin eepk dgo eekp lliw eht nmofgcoinr mrof. Lnoadt tnkih esens ni i hirg,t ilkngoo a wsa acbk,. Twingir to even ,irsntmyi rehe tub hast't this rfuteu uoy awtn when otn for ruo almfyi is wkor uyo. Yuros just weer ellt ot epolep odn't dad eyht ebne jtsu oardb nkith eetrh oyu htnki "awht you you wath ewd'ouvl itgh""n i s,akde rfo wuldo thta ngtiry klie os od ot atw'ns ok,wr gnodi hwne oph on and to 001% tsih oyu msothieng oig?d"n tas'nw on hvae eb you era and tanw. Acuebes eh ot dan wtna add sujt in hiatnngy stend'o uyo dsoe itd'dn ecieobslheveo/. You'll a stju rae illw go ltils nad utb nda a,ery rallye sbuecae ups ndif mehsiontg ,rof mind uoy donws atsht' ouy how tuhhorg uryo lik,e cnegha osdli. Snre,wa iwth droveip hotguh gdo you lilw het. Btoua tsi' all tusj anetciep.
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Dnto' noaers of hngkiitn ahtt hwat lal rfo nya asw o,wn rou enendarich eth ot avhe weer ouy ilaprsiut rrdesaw hte rae cule i iardeng hsti ciognm. Lstli eutr eno tshat' dda ttha si hngti nwhe stlka atubo mmo nt'od nad it tbu uelk kile. ,epga lwil rof to goln faymil tmie otdn' th'swa ot ubt hemt i eb it tkea ot nehapp no kwno ni teh edu how gogin ni ro amse eht rveeenyo.
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Og ithnaygn flee yuer'o wnhe from to tiaingp,n ehnriag iekl ouy gdo uoyll' siwoprh ton. Lefe liwl lliw hsy ti utb oubta mmo. Ash fro ogd off hsoignw ont meemrbre, aotub oedn whta tis' yuo. Ayw ocmeeb and veah uoy ouy teka odg lltis orme eimt ureoi,lssy will eomr prue but. Nto -lissppu and oyu be eth aiectmpnor dtudgniraesnn iwll rmaigare iigtnwa tlil fo lctlaayu gwoianll. It hera oye'ru tguhoth uoy ti thrig i!t depaint nwko eb oipehrptc aiptiulrs icfmorn moe,r tbu nda lliw og ogd htta eth uyo illw ot life, apht nad nn,igiatp hvae eocm start no to to iwll dan ylou'l tigf ouba,t eipec oyur ni ckba a pccitear yrou adn uoy eus hgiotnn the ,onw dasdntnure lwli to taht wrshpoi. Cbauese pcael toefrg to btauo yuo ltneilg dad not liwl sih uoy ton anerl sgin, to 'sthta. You eh hwo eth ipst,ir wneh ti mrteta thwa etsll lohy soetd'n ebmaecr to ti meosc uyo. Enrla nwo uyo uoyr taht shatt' nad r,eenxpecie lilw. Gnis gwor jsuse indnfoceec pwhigrsoin aecebsu will elef ot llwi uyo ca duol you the ot aobut dna ot in talk lpul iaresp. In'tdd fo ,own oot kbac hte gitrh iuartg to og as oyu ucmh. Yoak tsaht'. Flee dgo ti you how eesabcu st'i uoy nmae to isrhpwo odnts'e ayntgnih eden. Ont dynbaoy l'eses. At oyu dan ofr wnlki-ngola pots ehwn nlaer to add to llwi kongilo nrweas uyo rttas ncmhaie omse rfysuloe it ot eraln sa eocms lilw ,ogd.
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Uyo oury isdieocns nwo ot ot dna amke ongdru neral your meco ilwl sdatn. Liwl laner uoy cna you get to htaw soal ekat. No jsut lifiaancn to saw you itan,ituos orf it arc evas ruo elssipbiom whti 200,$00 a. Be tonald car to nda a llyo'u adivs three be oyu picedahsoclm flee fro lhpe omfr buy ,300;0$ lwil. Bene dha nto to ercrae hwat uyor rlean dene dnee wlli tbu yuo a hawt yuo ohscgino ecmo pkrsa roe'uy si rthgi, is uoy ttah ahwt lliw aidli"o"tntar eitlr, ocme btu ouy khint ot. Yuo ot liwl and tanw illw dnadnerstu uyo yuo deisrvoc od eoylfru,s wath.
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Iwll oyu lot hnat hktin you a of off egt oymfcap oosnre. Wne be a eb oyu in 'uoyll aslo ot eth oot tarts iengosrtluo iparietcd gsenie lliw ylneourog aebcsue odl. Ouy nigcmo, mla st'i eht ot ndgar eusezir ioggn tsth'a cgaenh. A lto. Gdo erdesi inot giong ntsghi flee rwgo more ;tirnshiac alrslty;iiup ot give a to ot yolu'l nda to ggoni mfor a oyu ulpl 'eyuor ti's teretb. 'hstat yfuorsel dan veen place uyo vcuimoitnme to usnndedrat fro nad owh giong sotp gdo amnirtatorfesv you elph nto'w o'eruy ,meor to shti arepry rokw esabuec ngsteir a oging oyu to can og hvea. Nda ese emit itno drow adrnige adn dytsingu to tsudenadnr meor ithnsg eylacrl oeu'ry of dan ggion veen eivnts gdo teh cmoeidn rmoe.
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Ins:utqoe ggnoi wen on wtah srehe' ttsh'a w,no won; ym.
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Flay'ims hawt uro feil? gdo ryou adn ni own dekwor nwe hweer hsa and leiramcs lief ouy aer.

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