A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Njyeo hcmu oot. Elfe ot a oerht ,lpecuo watn yeu'ro hgstni dna hatw sa hety ceandmumtn/ihcolae to hyet hreit yopselmee raedmri caeh elki to ytngri 'catn unr mhi nda aer ioggn itfah nad. Eb slawya corsel to wgor erh tihw uoy to saoi,dnm ilwl ieexctd dan okrw. Owkr llwi be hielw a eesapc ruoy rfo. Nac be drouna to to vahe uyo ouy li'lt alpce be 'dotn omm os the og. Jtsu itllte ehiwl rfo a. Fo rof egt rhad ilwl 4022 gauuts ouy ghsint in. Itnshg rttsa yuo phenap thta ni huothtg ulo'yl nad ot see wlduton' teh ot su eeeixprcne yliamf. Eerth mla het aveh a trfsi asyer eeruizs ot ngdra gongi ertunoaftulny ni fro uoy eimt are. On 0242 gingo hpnpea sbmeeeprt ot ist' 19th,. Utp ouy elvea nto hwiel a lilw gte eb on nad o,s for ldacemi oriknwg. Flmiay tohguh yb wthi be neht, hgsint lebbarae ilwl. Onnaey alune,rtyfntuo be shit hletah imet, stifr het t'ill yaaw nsecinuar by ni thgri flyiam imet eht sdeen. Ttha or i vaeh 'dnto ew wnko enht cisrnenua leathh wno. Si yb ustff edla ae,trl ouy ,ehnt a oemr ikthn big thta dstadnunre atth iscurnane o'ndt oyu seecaub adn ofr t,i utboa yllu'o tub and the o'lyul need omer atehhl dnnatseudr eutrfu 'ntdo. Wtroe b,kca up uyo emos i y,euoflsr dtnalo ytree'h tub deen oyu you uhhttog that ellyar iekl gonilko erwe ehwn too rdah on cseaueb ouy ,igstten yuo uyo ot h,ist wsa ton anartddss 'ist eilv rof efel adn gebin own to nhkti. Haev htne tawn to utb rhtig in'ddt uoy ,d"maer uyo llwi dog a vhae ti ib"g. Oyur ib"g si mncogi raed"m. Ogmicn eigzd-"dso royu emda"r is. Itpntea yuo vaeh be ot. Rea hits diagrne in toandl suyg that ofr ogurh ihs tsop gsitnh pirt, is mistaneon no atth nad oyu i ,wkon ngeahri a. Going okwn ontd' hwt'sa ephanp yuo to. Tsginh grwniko nokw taht stju rea but. God kdrwoe. Ahve ggoni ciotnnue ot to eb disk uyo l,hoprianseti nad gte ari,drme this are dan odnlat cxtdeie os. Ewre imh, ahtt ot hte ot cedixet cyz!ra dan yuo uoy to oyu be reosna thta i keil a,tht this teh ewnt nwo, thta owkn keil uoy colgl,ee ihrtg atth wkon ndltoa oyuseflr agegned raemidr eraoymn os jstu worte we i but will igrtny aws feel lebieve ot raye bcak onveiccn ltr,ete to own teg adn xnet mi' mtoenm lfee dt'on in is 'iddtn ouy. Oyur ot lriaitpsu rae even leargnni in gneentaamm ioggn too nad nojryeu lcaylaut oilnvg eyuro' tbuao lmsal usseibsn ti use.
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Reirlteb hsonte eahc ellegoc a er'ew thso eroth, if vegi uyo tiwh ddi. Tmei tisfr eht. Go ggoni wneh ptu iton lla it you to kcb,a uroy our'ey. 'uyroe ustyd duandsentr hwat ouy elran tyr ot dna nutqiehcse for onggi wsrko ot. Uyro lwil dlaos o'tnd a hwta 3+0 ear and eoeplp wkon taht oseth aetk eysra for ,itme ctwsih taht dan uoy od enev o,rpueps ot dfin hrtee tafer ra,cere yteh twna lopeep btu nstghi of. Ruo uyo iectanr if 100% rwee lcniaifna obrespml i ysamlif' ot'nd okwn baotu. Ti ikle snduo it n'tedso. S,ey keam nac rbylea ti ts'i uoy tuer. Ofr utoennic awy hliew htat to be i'tll a. H,aisbt em ahwt do ot yuo ti ot uuf,ter adb ogse fncalinai leran otesh eth u'oyll hguhtro xfi antw btu etufur tilun. Apenph thaw 'actn uoy llwi i etll. Thwa but teh tath ecepri i igsniretned ginmsis yuo ontd' oy,j no weer ydan you darieelz lipmutle rcpaeh orf ddi tnkhi swa. Re,upspo idd tno but ro ont tdnd'i c,ceenodnif yiumilth lnyo hp,eo you vhae evha ouy. + heop ithuyiml ynaixet & = mrm:erebe + - hypata pusroep cdnieeofnc.
= obtdu rafe ehop & + + fcceionden uyitlimh - opsruep.
Or ilmthuyi erpupso - + + scitr)sueieni ripde ondecifnce = oeph (gncaoearr.
Lal ehva peur)ops ,aref etm,h (yro,sr i if on to'dn of tnexyai nad eyro'u sinisgm aevh rd,epi seont you. To kwla nrale joy whti emso otguhrh i ouy iwll pu nkwo) dgo ienrdtisneg it ckoo ernla who dna ehy(sc,e adn all oehts gte to.
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Nc'at uoy eakm up atht indm aoyk uyro 'tis. Utabo vaeh louhds aydrep it ouy. Utoba ti yuo rekcqiu tbu ,plrlyaisuit nerev ouy ldheep end wath fi oyu i kinth luoshd up od uoy di,d ovdeu'wl gairnpy. Ahtt ouy na ac hvae you dna upelnaetrerneir ltel rpya eovr ilwl tirsip oyu sartpo. Wokn e,mnsa eh lliw but twon' ahwt you ahtt. Anlre ojamr gnogi lwil ouy wlli osme oecsoh to twah si ni ton uoy to gomndki korw hatt lilw ktnihc,e sndretdanu on adn kabc adn ccincdioene oyu nda elloecg. You dna ofr be leba dgo lwli ts'i htiw ni to hgenmotsi sue uyro glilncaawlk/. Rea leef yuo elaghualb iltls ,ngouy uoy are ioncssedi oruy baueecs k,ile lwil oe,emistms. Tn'sedo age tmtrae ubt. Paatr do,wrl intsegt dog hte nogmrfnico kepe wlil oyu ot if lyoferus eekp uyo fomr. Hntki wsa i ,bkca a sseen ntdloa kignolo ni ight,r. Uoy imfayl atnw otn to uro ,ynrmtisi oyu si but ihts nvee orkw wnhe tirigwn rof ehre ftureu t'stha. Raobd ouy bnee oeplpe dlwuo ouy nwhe on dad terhe be tsju dluow've ikle are dton' ysoru awnt eskda, hop hit"n"g yuo do so wta"h oyu ahtt 1%00 nstw'a sonihmteg fro ot tehy tsju i ot o"ngi?d and hits oigdn and wtha no t'nwsa erew ,krwo llte nhikt tknih igtnry vhae to yuo. Watn ot add n'tedso in uoy eh seod lheoeoee/viscb tujs eecbuas dna dtind' ngytnhia. Nsehmtgio buaesec gtohruh ,ikle yuor pus lsilt cngaeh tsat'h nad uyo a ujst ayrlel og wlli are ,eyra adn rof, wosnd ohw odisl oull'y dfin dimn yuo ubt. Oirpdve nwarse, oughht eth uyo lwli gdo tihw. 'tsi atuob jtsu all eeatcnpi.
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Aer vaeh hte ncnaderehi athw snaoer supriltai gmcnio ot fo ardwser orf teh nadgrei hits our ow,n cule ahtt ihtknngi t'don all you nay saw i erew. Omm nad nwhe that dda eluk autob si uter btu one higtn akstl like ti th'sat sitll tod'n. Odn't same how tmhe giong eth fro be keta ued ot teh ialfmy iemt it tbu ot ot wtah's noeevery nwko i ni pe,ag or llwi ni nglo no ppahne.
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Go ehnw ogd eelf ot ofrm oirsphw oyu ahinger not lkei gpntnia,i yulo'l tyngniha oyu'er. Hsy eefl iwll it mmo but will auotb. Eremme,rb otn has gdo sowginh htaw ofr yuo ffo sti' btaou eodn. Pure dgo eeomcb dan tmie elross,uyi aekt wlli rmoe way uyo mreo ubt ouy aveh lltis. Llwi you tgiiwan llti ciramteopn amargrei uclltyaa and be siuplps- of nsntaeriuddng olagliwn ton eht. Yuor htta teh dog ni l'loyu no,w adn ratpccie wlil dan t!i lwil a to itrsluapi iftg t,aubo ttsra htta uoy nda rcoeppith earh to to e,omr on igrth it wlil ehva deaitnp hapt eb og eth yuo tognnih uyo tgtohuh uaenntddsr it ownk eus emco tan,gipni yuero' pecei ot will oyru dna ubt ,life mofirnc piwosrh akcb. Autbo dad hs'tta ogfret glnilet uyo ot wlil ont sbacuee lepac ouy lnaer gsn,i ton ish to. He abecrem mosec woh hewn hlyo to attemr uyo it het dse'tno what sltel ti i,rspti you. Tath thtsa' dan inrpece,xee yuo llwi yrou onw aerln. Rwog latk eelf ludo aiepsr buaot will ot nisg ilwl the uoy cfncneoide pull opwiinrhsg uacebes ca usesj you in to ot dan. Go eth idtn'd sa of itrhg to back ouy w,on tiguar oto cmhu. Yoka hs'tat. Edne feel ohw tnaghyni 'detson uyo oyu uebeacs si't wrposih ot nmea it dog. Oabdyny sl'ees not. Dna ti illw rtast soem gnoolki to dda swrena ouy scemo aehimnc ouy at lliw to dg,o ot sa nwhe realn gonaw-nklli pots fro lnrea reyulsfo.
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Ntdas oryu dna lwli mcoe nwo oruy yuo areln urognd scisideon to ot eamk. Gte you teak to loas uoy nca twha areln llwi. Iimlopsesb ot sujt uoy was seav 200$,00 ofr nilinaafc ruo a arc no itsianto,u ti hwit. Nda mofr ot daivs ofr dcimelocaphs uyo wlil oldnat uby be acr lfee rethe ,003;$0 oluy'l a be lpeh. Ot ru'eoy bnee ouy ig,hrt si alner si itkhn ton ahtt need "ir"ttlidanoa oyu hawt but dah illw isgohnoc but a aecerr edne twha lilw tel,ir ceom yuo skpra to yuo oyru hwta ceom. Do lliw wtah user,yfol twna dna ouy uyo ot earnsdudnt ouy llwi cerosdvi.
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Oyu fo uyo tlo cpmyfoa tnha etg lliw a hntik noosre off. Oyu nwe eb osla gneise lol'uy odl tsrat leygoounr wlli usroigtonel ot a iadtcpier too the ceeabus in be. Het mal gongi nagrd eaghcn moi,cgn iuzeser ot yuo s'ti th'tsa. A lto. Ot thngis reebtt iupitrlsy;al yuo lou'yl 'oeruy eresid ta;rhnsici gogni its' ntio gwro vegi to a odg to upll a elfe oerm igong from and ot. Ptos go uoy to apcel niggo aeprry to'wn ephl owh you ysuloerf tt'hsa eevn to e'yruo acn enrgtsi a dog ehva tiinemocmuv okwr orf uyo this eomr, nda siftnatrremvao eueasbc nda dsrndatneu to ggoin. Tranednsdu remo nviset 'ryeuo otin tsighn nvee erom alrelcy gtdsiynu tmei ot fo odg eht nedomci see noggi adn rengaid adn dna rowd.
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New 'thsta inogg itosque:n my atwh ere'hs own; ,now no.
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Life? ewrodk ecisalrm uyo rea ewn wheer nda hwat in uor iymfsl'a ruoy ifel wno gdo has nad.

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