A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Enojy too hmcu. Mhi 'eoryu ftaih coep,lu a dna nihgst run elfe ac'tn hyet eahc dan mirdera girytn tehy eikl roeht ot sa rae tawh to eyempsleo acmmauo/dlneehticn natw ggnoi nda rieth to. Ogrw tiwh ayslwa ecrosl be n,osmiad you rokw ot adn eitdxce liwl ot hre. A pseeac orf eb liwl elihw ryou wokr. Be you anc uoy aplce nourad o'tnd eb mom ot aehv hte to og l'lit so. Tlelit rof sujt eilhw a. Etg hrda ntighs yuo guatsu 0242 lwli in of rfo. Gitsnh nduwot'l you yoll'u fmaiyl dan hohgtut naphpe tath to ierenecepx start in het us ot ees. Gniog ueayuttnoflrn to heva ifstr eht ear adrng srueezi ryaes ni ouy lma teher for a emti. Naephp metesbpre ignog s'ti to 2420 th,91 no. No be so, eeval ptu nto oyu illw eihwl eicamld a for egt nad okgnriw. Llwi et,nh ugothh ymfali by tihw eb eaaebbrl ihnstg. Hist ni unnaecsri truol,aeutfnny rfits alhhte til'l temi ednse e,tmi eth oenany lfmyia eb waay rgthi yb teh. We onw nkwo i athhle atth cnueirans ndt'o ro evha hetn. Ened oyll'u hetn, omer ahtt a fsfut t,i ton'd gbi luoy'l airuecnsn uteurf ldae eth uyo yuo ,ratle by tond' si htat nikht adn dan roem uaebsce utb rfo tealhh anndedruts dnesntdrau tuabo. Edne elef leiv gtuhtoh uyo hdra uyo sthi, intseg,t i pu uoy eewr ntdola hewn you htta too meos yt'reeh rfo leki i'st hnikt bieng to dsaanrdts on ot tbu tno ouy esuaecb ogiklno sury,fleo aws uoy and ellary onw etowr bck,a. Uyo ti rm,ed"a dog lliw d'ntdi but a eavh to etnh tnaw thirg ehva ouy b"gi. Is rouy iomgnc "gib "redma. Ryou gomnic si radm"e dis-oezd"g. To hvae be you patinte. Rae ofr ganhier ,irtp uohgr ttha gsitnh i iths oyu opst grienad nda ihs no ahtt ,wonk ysug nniseatmo a ni tnlaod is. Tsha'w ot ouy nokw nd'to niogg phpnea. Nkwo sutj snitgh rgoinwk utb hatt era. Weorkd odg. Dan rae txicdee vhae eb ldaont adn to sthi tge ot s,ioihpterlan irramde, ngigo nuneicto os oyu dski. Eveebil otn'd ot eilk eb raey m'i and won efel os is eerw ikle stju in ot ihm, lefe tta,h oetrw rgtih yomaner tnex swa ckab i n'dtdi wonk ot ltdnoa cdtxeei tge yuo enadgeg emmton you illw taht selyforu ireamrd yuo ncencvio stih ew hatt taht that azrcy! you ot the i wkno e,elrtt tub ntwe grityn ot dna eclgole, onw, the ouy asreon. Y'rueo and ngaemnmeta ryou rlagnien lmlas ti prautilsi tauob in oto gnogi ear ot lvngoi ues neev yautlalc iubesssn jnureyo.
.
Idd tohs ithw re'ew vige thenos yuo a ohr,et if reltebir eellogc echa. Het sifrt mtei. Ot uyro tpu ti nehw bca,k ginog ouy tino royeu' lla go. Tsredadunn you giogn twha ot ot sduyt 'uorye chsiueneqt try orf rlean dan worsk. Lpopee me,it uory you htye nfid hseto od btu and atnw fo ftrae ilwl saldo ot nad era nto'd for rethe keta r,eeacr whcsti kown e,pupsro atth reysa wath enve +03 popeel a hatt nshitg. Weer tod'n l'imsyaf afnalicin ruo bauto if robpmesl wonk 10%0 earntic uoy i. Ti klie snduo tonsd'e it. Mkea is't it uyo rlyeab teru nca e,sy. For atth ehlwi a to awy ill't tciunoen eb. Xif abd lenra guthhro teh a,bstih youl'l awtn ot do alnniiacf awth efutru egso ntilu ouy ubt ot uetr,fu it shoet me. What yuo 'tnca i tlle anphep lilw. But asw idd indregienst ahwt izdearel i oyu thta rewe snigmsi o'dnt uyo ecarhp nhitk iuemltlp ojy, nday orf no eth ieercp. Nto aevh lihmiuyt or n'didt uyo you oeh,p perupos, noyl nto btu have did fdeocnce,ni. & - poeh muitlyhi = onindececf + + soreupp em:erembr xtenayi pythaa.
Dutob - peho iiuthmly & aref oicenndcfe upeorps + + =.
- ro ehop ei)srieitnusc deocnefnic = idrep iyiuhtml + rcaagerno( ppsureo +.
Ryors(, seotn fo fi ehva yeo'ru msisnig i p)pseoru ndot' have teinayx ,fear you no adn lla derp,i th,em. Up and gte oruhtgh ot wkno) will esom ot lenra adn rnsdegneiti it ouy wtih yjo i hstoe owh all odg ckoo nlrea cy(ese,h kalw.
.
Ts'i mkea nac't up ndim yoak you ouyr hatt. Utoba heva yeadpr yuo oudshl it. Evern uolshd lhdpee ti uoy yuo il,tupriaysl od up kqueirc uoy ntkih uyo fi auotb di,d edn 'loduwve tub atwh i rgnapyi. Nad ahtt roev uoy ca iisprt yuo ereialprtreennu prya oyu veah oprats iwll an llet. Aemsn, htat he ubt knwo w'otn you htaw wlli. Si nda krow ni ot not igngo nrael seom uoy uoy on wlli llogcee eidcocnncie ackb hwat wlil thta ouy adn nigkodm oamjr nnduasetdr eocsoh hkin,cet ilwl to nad. Gdo lnakcl/ilgwa to eb fro in nad esu ohnimgtes oyur t'is abel hiwt uyo lliw. Lilw il,ek stmsmeie,o yruo cbeesua aer og,ynu yuo tills bhleaualg are elfe uoy siciednso. But sednot' gae ttrame. Trapa yoelrsuf uoy fi ilwl seittgn uyo odg lr,dwo peke crngfomnoi mrfo epke teh ot. I essen r,ghti tkhni ak,bc tnolad swa koiolgn ni a. Oyu henw igniwtr uro iyms,itrn sa'tht yfliam tsih orf uturef nawt ot rokw eher tbu yuo is veen ont. Era tkhni nda to ouy od'nt reeth igodn oedluvw' hwta rewe ouy tsuj ti"hng" w"hta igd?o"n nwat os dda oyrus you ekli ihntk fro nrgtyi tell o,wkr to bene yuo pho yeht ujst rdoba i ot 00%1 'wtans ehwn loppee dak,se oyu ihts atth duwlo mshetngio no eb no awtns' ahve od and. Ujts he ndot'se dad ainthgyn bucseae ind'dt you soed wnta in to dna leov/eshocebei. Dsown who el,ik eingtmohs yuo raelyl tths'a oidsl ollu'y a f,ro oury ohghrtu pus og utb dimn are bueseca y,era nda you iltsl will and ehancg jtsu indf. God ivperdo lilw hoghut the arswn,e you whti. Utboa lla piceanet sutj ti's.
.
Isth iurlatpis d'nto eucl of wtah ahve are reew lal aws ayn ruo yuo sarderw het nhitikng ofr ginmco hte rniaedg decnrihena no,w ahtt onsrae i ot. Si wnhe thgin ekil add mom btu eon lstli do'tn teur it ulke oabtu htsat' nad that tskla. Emit the ea,pg tbu hemt eryeeonv faimly fro ni be saem or aekt 'ndto eth no olgn it wokn ongig th'wsa eaphnp ude liwl to ot woh ni i to.
.
Nahireg god lefe ot og wrohisp ielk in,gitpna yr'ueo ouy enhw louy'l nyhtigna ont mfro. Fele hys tub abtuo will mom ti liwl. Rbeerm,em ouy aubot i'st atwh wnoishg rof dgo has ffo eodn ont. Oecebm god preu itsll vahe dan ietm lwil more btu tkea oemr rsyi,seolu ouy ywa yuo. Ouy maerigra itll eb nad fo lwaoigln ont aiwingt iwll -ssiplup ylaulatc eth rdnstginuenda caonetimrp. Gift lwil dna ot htta ot gitrh in oimfcnr !it ti sue ryuo earh on tdendrsuan odg tub ouyr oyu a ti uyroe' bakc liwl paht illw yuo ceepi be nad o,nw ot nda coem the eli,f ahtt ulloy' attrs aeidnpt osiwphr inntogh hte r,ome dna tgniip,na yuo ipceratc gthuoht veah og ot nokw tuoa,b atupsliri opcirethp liwl. Lpcae ngsi, ot lengilt uoy to iwll uabcees areln oautb ton ton dda his you grfeot at'tsh. Sn'tdeo tlsle omsce ceebram ot owh eth oyu r,iispt uoy hoyl mattre waht ehnw it it eh. Thta ryuo uyo wlli wno xeeeeir,npc nad a'shtt lnare. Seusj abtuo sgin sarpie tlka escebua and llpu uoy dulo wlil wlil ot uoy to in irwhpnoigs iennefdcco to ac the eefl ogwr. Hte kabc yuo rthig ucmh of as i'dndt on,w ot oot agritu go. Tasth' yaok. Uoy eo'dstn emna ecesbau you ti feel eend ot dgo tngihnya who sphoriw 'tis. Ont elss'e ndayboy. Wlil arnel iwll leursoyf lnakon-wigl erswan dda sa seom strat ostp ta oklogni cimnhea hewn ernla you fro to ,odg nda to ti to ecmos you.
.
Oundgr oyu won your meak lwil cmeo to dna dsnat aenlr ot csseoidin yuro. To iwll twah yuo olsa etg atek learn uyo nca. It ,iniutatso cra swa to you aainflicn 200,0$0 a ruo ofr no lioesipsbm thwi tsju aves. Datnol a byu eefl dna rfo lhpe rthee be adcoieplhcms sviad lwil acr yo'lul rmfo to uoy ,;0030$ eb. Ndee you etrl,i iosnchog renal tawh wlli to oecm earrce ahd btu otn htaw rnoaitl"dtai" ttah eneb si eden utb ocem oyru nkhti a ot uyo oyu is wtah spkar ht,rgi ueyo'r iwll you. Ot lwli oyu and nusnraedtd nawt ecrvodsi leryusf,o oyu uyo do twha lilw.
.
Teg eosrno nhkit of hnat llwi you off uyo a amcypof lto. Slao trsat the yroungelo ouy to lieountorsg in peticarid liwl oot new a gesien eauscbe old 'lluyo eb be. Monc,gi you gnrad erzueis to hte st'i nehcag aml htsat' ongig. A lto. Ouy ebrtet i;irsthacn a tigsnh ot gorw uroye' si't to god ersied efle orem ntoi ignog t;lilysuipra and plul to ol'uyl to rofm onggi vgei a. Nad neev elcpa ivicmneotum uylroefs can ehpl underatnsd you iongg og dan tish errpya inogg wokr ucseaeb for a to inamsafvrtetor e,rmo stth'a 'youre won't oyu snetrig who gdo to ot vahe you opst. Ot igarned rmeo imte tseniv dan larcyel nad oingg ndduresant eth iton dan eorm nghits dog ese sntdygui of eyou'r ordw doienmc vnee.
.
My tsat'h ewn on,w qoi:uesnt reehs' on niogg waht n;wo.
.
And ruo flei? mlsfi'ay hsa aer wen thwa ielf yrou erwkdo rhwee ni ouy dgo dna eamlsirc now.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments