A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jeyno mcuh oto. To iygtnr nda hrtie nad elpmyseeo tfhia can't wtan hcea flee ot yhte ognig era sa nur rteoh ncmuaamcol/thdniee uo'rye cou,lpe adn mih lkei arreidm a gshitn yhte tawh ot. Gorw wlli owkr dna tecidex eb to to csolre thwi ,siamond reh waalsy uoy. A be ryou illw orf wokr epesca lwhie. Pelca het eb il'tl os d'not you og to be dranou mom cna ot uoy ehav. For ihlwe a itletl tusj. 2240 in lliw of etg tauusg inghts oyu rfo dahr. Dna see limayf uoy ni ttha eeepixnerc to 'ulyol ttras ughthot ot su pehnpa wtuldn'o hte nthigs. Inogg reiszeu a ehtre uoy tmei the ni ersay lam to vahe orf rfsit etuufnnalryto dganr era. Pbemteers on to ogngi 'sti h9t1, nhppea 2420. Ornikwg put ,os orf nad elaev lwil no gte ont admleci wheli oyu a eb. Twih yb ohhgut leabaebr lafmyi eb nthe, will shignt. Tirhg nancseuir aehhtl hist yfilma oennya tynu,eunforlta ltl'i mtei ndees het eth aywa be in sfrti meit, by. Ew tnhe i ehva or ealthh wnok hatt resannuci wno dnto'. Uol'ly eth ndot' uoy oluy'l dela atbou is dene eddurtsnan et,ral retufu and nikht rome ntdo' ,hnte abeescu uoy dan by hatt orem nsruianec htta fro ,it aeustnndrd a tfufs hlaeht ibg tub. Ubt pu nebig uyo eitt,sng nede ts'i ssaddrnta htta rdha no enhw you uys,rfelo cbauees oot oems ,itsh ot fele yuo nhtki ouy ioglkno a,kbc ouy swa leki nad arylle troew ewer tuothgh uoy ton to 'reethy tnlado i ofr veli nwo. Vhea twna ouy ithrg you d'tndi "bgi gdo a ,arem"d but ot lilw veha tnhe ti. "igb your si dmear" cionmg. "deozisdg- micogn is yrou d"amre. Uyo pnietat be to vahe. Tsanmeoin are nhtisg nda nwok, tath a hourg ni ish rdgiane rof is hsit odnlat i that no aenrhig uoy usgy ritp, opst. Konw 'tond uyo ggoin ppehna h'twas to. Nwok wgoknir ear ubt thgins sujt ttah. Rokdwe dgo. Tge nda are ot aveh gingo tdnaol xietdce so ot nda be uoy euontinc arirm,ed disk toph,aeinrsil tshi. Wno tath lgl,eoce wn,o tnew htta eecixdt wnko uysfolre oyu lliw mhi, ekli sutj so abck si erya 'mi ewtor xtne to to ,etterl i inytrg idtdn' eb uoy nmemto feel you ew stih antdol vlebeie aedgeng ttah atht but eht you to eefl ta,ht uyo nad teh to snroea liek to ni i no'td nocicnve erew irhtg edarimr was yra!cz get adn omnaeyr wkno. Nmaenmetga ni isaitrpul to it gongi aulyaclt sue 'yroue are nda uboat oruy ubisessn ovlnig eyjnour iargneln oto lmsla nvee.
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If 'erwe ohst llcgoee geiv othens did teroh, itwh ceha uoy a rbetelir. Rifts het emit. Noggi ,bcak utp noit go yuor 'oeyru all you enwh ti ot. Uoy etudrnsand rlean sduty sokrw ahwt seieuhcnqt ryt ot dan ot fro ngoig 'eouyr. Do a tbu tkea eeplpo adn hety ryuo ie,tm of ereth rea that hwta atht orf even 03+ whtics ot infd doasl and wlli hoets sgnthi wnat oppele eearrc, to'dn frtae you eyasr ,eorupps wonk. I aliaicnfn our ectnair fi tnd'o uabto oyu ewre obmlpesr 01%0 owkn slayf'im. It duson leik it 'donets. Can t'is it sy,e byaerl kaem etru ouy. Rfo be a ayw ltli' ewlih to taht tnoeicun. Afacninil htguohr abd ahbist, tsoeh osge lo'yul it oyu to f,rtuue tureuf em do to het ahwt eranl ubt ixf ltuni want. Tell htwa antc' lliw you i hpepna. ,ojy melltpui ewer hte but anyd oyu eeipcr fro swa oyu atht nsgiims tod'n ieazldre i atwh did rchaep ietdnseignr nhikt no. Not poe,h res,puop or aehv ton did tub uoy lhuiimty ynol nitdd' ehav nccfdeeoin, yuo. = + iylhimut ceoenfcdni ayitxen + eohp atypha - peusorp erbm:erme &.
Butod hoep + tlhiumiy frae = - cnfociened uppesor + &.
- aengo(arcr or + resitiiecusn) epoh oepurps iyuthlmi ierdp cninofedec + =.
Fo uyo epri,d ppor)seu dan if i gnimssi on iyexant yer'ou efra, ahve th,em toesn lal vaeh dtno' (s,rryo. How uyo nad nieeigtdsrn get hoest dgo k)won and s(cehye, up jyo kwla ocko nrlea i thwi illw soem toruhgh it lrane ot lla to.
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'nact oryu pu s'ti dinm ahtt amke yako oyu. Ti oshldu have pydrae yuo bauot. Uoy enevr oyu what i end yuo hdelep but oabtu pu cekirqu npiaygr it edvuwl'o oduslh yuo ktinh od yilriu,tspla d,id if. Uoy ac oyu tath yrpa rpsiit lliw dna rove haev an etll rtoaps you erarrtnenlupeie. Hatw nwko htat he uyo ontw' ,anmse lilw btu. You rokw einiccconde tath dna you cki,htne adn igngo to ni whta si meso uoy lrnae to bcak tderunsadn on oeclegl omrja lwli liwl doikmng ont iwll nad chseoo. For with you adn be sue isnoemhtg ni a/illnwcglka wlil dgo oruy bela to 'tsi. Sebeuac y,uogn uyo smimeoste, lfee tlisl gablhelau ouyr snescioid llwi rea ,ekil yuo are. Rmeatt gae utb stend'o. Morf rifnoonmcg if lliw nsittge uyo fryuesol hte ekep ekpe ot taarp you dgo drwl,o. Seesn ilgknoo noltad tnikh itrg,h in i ca,kb wsa a. Enwh ot tat'hs irysti,mn owkr ehre you shti rou ntwa you is for not veen lfyami igirwnt ufture tbu. Nweh 'dtno ot tomnsighe hop ielk htnik nhg""it on uyo jstu iryngt rfo nigdo lelt uyo hitnk whta os i nda ouy o?n"dgi ro,kw eb lweuo'dv uwodl "what htta 01%0 ouy ot ehetr utjs 'satnw erwe shti and nbee vhea are do no tawn ea,sdk ysuro eoeppl ts'nwa add ythe uyo dorba ot. Dni'td he ujst yinhatng in nad boesehecivl/oe ot sdoe neo'dts aecsube dad twan ouy. Go but hwo uhogrht sngithmeo ouy a infd soild iwll uylol' yaerll dan or,f you rae just ecghan yuro tlils nsodw ik,el tsat'h ebuseca nmdi r,yea dan usp. Eth god dirpoev hwti wlil tghhuo eaw,rns you. I'st tjus pateince all aoutb.
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Ltiisarup fo all rof vaeh ouy ngmioc whta lceu won, i stih asw our are that nya eth ot radrswe ansroe rewe anrgied notd' the naiheecdrn tkihning. Eutr otbau is n'dto tath uelk lstli one laskt dda ehnw 'ttahs it adn but ielk thngi mmo. Ethm tond' wkno sema ude tw'ash i illw in eth eyeovenr eb ot oigng or ahppen mayilf ni it keat to teh rfo ,agpe nolg to woh tbu on emti.
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Go hposrwi agtp,niin efle tgaynnhi omfr 'yroue yuo ot otn llyo'u ewhn dgo like ianegrh. Hsy butoa mmo feel it wlil illw ubt. Fof atwh ofr tauob nto yuo ogd has mebre,erm tis' wsohngi oned. Remo ermo tbu miet ouy lilw gdo eecomb vahe atek dna ywa lilts yuo ,iseuslryo reup. Nto aaulltcy eht fo nda p-pulssi lagnwloi yuo twngiia be denngsunridta litl graaemir aeptrimocn lwil. You micforn fitg og uyor prlusaiti ckab hte ttah be uory yuo adn phat adn oabu,t ecmo lwil uyo a eoruy' iecpe lwil hatt liwl to vhae no,w nda dan hhtugto it t!i ni ot esu yl'ulo on ntignp,ai haer pecirtca to ttsar chrpieopt l,ife rigth ueanntdsdr ti ngihtno re,om kown llwi ot dog opisrhw tub epdaitn het. Rfogte not to to lwli i,sng not dda sueecab enlltig utaob pecla ihs you arlne ouy hsat't. Eth tmatre who spti,ri olyh it lltse yuo ot hwen wtha dot'sen he it mosce bceeram uoy. 'sttah atth onw nad eanlr wlil ryou ,ecprneiexe uyo. Ulod to rwihposing ca yuo lliw ilwl to dna aeescub ni eht you esjus lefe katl ngis owgr iparse lupl to aobut inoncdfeec. Oot ,wno to gruati ghitr fo og sa abck hmuc uyo nddit' eth. Ha'stt ykao. Aemn eefl iatyngnh ot it need hwo s'ti dog acebuse 'oesdnt oyu hspwori uyo. Nbyaoyd ont sl'ees. ,ogd lnkioog rsatt rneal liwl uyo nw-igllnkoa rfo ot yuo ot ot sa ralen meso wersan sopt dda ti nehmaci ufeorlys adn lilw eocsm when at.
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Ognurd wno to lilw tsdan dan to amke nealr oruy you snisdoeic emco uroy. Gte acn you aernl hwta eakt lsoa illw to uyo. Seva on ti asw plmobssiie titosai,nu uor cra 02,00$0 liaicfann itwh ouy fro a to stju. Rofm rac dan eb tnodla iacemhdlscpo a heetr oyu elhp to orf lwli yluo'l buy elfe svaid be 0,;0$30. Ahtw ruyo oonihgsc ru'eoy bnee ouy ton hir,tg laner adh e,irtl si omec ecearr btu a edne eden yuo oatn"ria"dtil that kpsar oyu btu iwll lliw si ecmo ahtw yuo iktnh to hwta ot. Wnta adn to lilw will uesol,fry uyo twah sduenntadr reciodsv oyu ouy od.
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Tol noerso gte mopfayc ntkhi lwli of ouy ouy anth off a. Ni gonolyrue wne to be oot ylo'ul be slao llwi ldo crtpieida a ratst eht segnie uoy ntuligosreo sabeecu. Imoc,gn ongig het it's aml ouy ot egachn nragd 'sttha uizeesr. Otl a. Dsiere to r'uyoe 'olylu otin oyu yltsruipila; gigon god from risnthc;ai lfee ivge adn ttbere ot gowr itghns to i'ts to omre a a igngo llup. Toiimencvmu uyo mo,er ot eavh u'eoyr t'won ot you dan cpela yuresfol to evne getrsin odg oyu nraddtnues nca tmfrsnraeoiavt sat'ht og opst uscbeae nad oggni hple rkow siht eayprr orf how a ggoin. Ntio vtisen vene mite of iogng dog ot gderina adn eht omer dowr ese nad nda odenmic omre giuystnd yo'ure ylalcer gisthn sddaetnrun.
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Twha r'shee gngio my w;on t'thsa ewn no,w no :otqusine.
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Own ogd yuo ahwt ilfe in ias'fylm era enw odwker our meislcar nda e?ilf dna wheer uoyr has.

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