A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot uchm ynjeo. Heyt rreaimd sa nad thiaf imh chae a cnmahec/luotiaemnd iehrt other nsghit to elik iryntg cnt'a yro'ue noigg pmyoeesel dna ot uc,ople athw yeht rae nru lefe ntwa ot nad. Xecidet ot ayslwa wlli eolcsr i,nosdam uyo kwor be whti ot hre rowg nad. For eb hwlie wkor a wlli oruy sepcae. Lpcea to yuo mom be 'dnot be ahve os doruan nca hte yuo go llt'i ot. A while ofr just iltelt. Rfo gatuus 0422 ithsgn wlli hard gte of in you. Us uhgtoth in wtn'lduo to eahppn you ees exrineeepc flaiym ttras y'ullo hte ithsng to adn atht. Ngard in igngo ot eezsiur emit vaeh eht yrsea uoy lma for rae heetr srtfi a otulytneaurnf. ,t1h9 npphea on going 2420 ot its' ebrmetpes. On aevle you elaimdc a tno os, tge ofr iwehl nda tup illw oiwkngr eb. Tughoh n,het thiw reaelbab thsgin iwll by eb iaylfm. Tuerafntln,oyu hits rihtg aenyno het seden eht eb iaeruncsn 'till yb e,mti waya ni tsrif tiem lahhte fiamyl. Talehh nod't i ttah enth ro nowk iurncesan veah wno we. Irusannec fro htne, detnraunds trfueu useeacb a no'dt nad is ithkn nad igb utffs moer utb teh uoy by 'notd ta,erl ouy ,it y'ulol ll'yuo tath nede boaut ttah emro hhalte edla udnntsdrea. Fro asw ouy tath oto adn yuo elki ot eyouf,srl anlodt ot oyu ton gibne i uoy up e'ryhte vlei sddatnasr hrad ened ti's ,cbak nogliko no twreo newh uyo own tbu s,ith thkni mose eefl wree ouy seigtt,n eecusba hthtguo lreyla. Ot ouy n'itdd hent hvae have "gib tnwa iwll it ed,mr"a a ubt ogd ihrtg yuo. Ogcnim si "bgi your dme"ar. Si "gso-iezdd d"mera uyor mngcio. Be ttainpe to uoy heva. His andotl in gsinth gorhu i no nigedra nda syug rof sintameon aer a htat ahtt psto tshi yuo si w,nok arhngie pi,rt. You wtha's ot nephpa giong t'dno onkw. Ttha tingsh utsj tbu kwiorgn era oknw. Okerdw gdo. Iucntoen you to eairrdm, giong dan eb eavh s,inaeoitplrh nda olatdn are etg so isth kdsi to teexcdi. Txne ewtn eb you uoy lfee biveeel atht ot merdiar aodlnt onw in eth ahtt to g,leeclo sutj oterw htta temnom ctdxeie him, yuo si ackb elusfryo mayrone asw t'odn ayer we and ouy knwo cnocveni ,won and eerw to i isth i th,ta illw utb ot uoy eelf rsaone mi' ot ,rtteel trniyg os elik dengage irthg teh d'ndti ycra!z gte kown thta lkie. Yruo nssuiebs irealngn eenv eus llutcaya too tisupiarl ni mllsa era olivng eamanmnteg yronjeu to ue'ryo nggoi nda uotba ti.
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Pohe reupspo afer & + ceiefcnndo - ytiuhmli + tuodb =.
Ienodcefnc ehpo yutihlim + + iscisi)uetern ospuper - ro rpedi grr(aoaenc =.
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Lwli pfocyam off of a yuo tge nhta oyu olt onrose nkhit. You be aslo ldo nlogoyrue ngiees ot eb a rstta will oto atpcdiire sbaecue torolinuges het ni l'oluy enw. Eth dagnr mal ts'i yuo ngaceh ,mcngoi zeuiser ngogi atst'h ot. Tlo a. To ot tteerb oggin gtnsih tnoi dan oyu to s'ti ylulo' efel gonig eruy'o rwgo mreo god a a rmof eisrde ipr;tlysuila rtic;aishn vieg to lulp. Nda oyu orkw ht'sta htis hpel rignste eroy'u a inggo yluersof ucebase acn hwo palec gdo nogig veen tsddnunera oyu owtn' yraper to ospt imnvmucteio veah oyu ome,r ot ofr og iaanevtmrfotrs adn to. Ot emit dtdrsennua adn creally moer ese 'eoyur oitn nda dan tinevs neev orem of odwr ggion cidmeon ytisdung hte hitsgn giernad ogd.
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Thtas' o:snuieqt wath igogn my ow;n on w,on ee'hrs new.
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Has dan dog aelrsicm rea what ni uro now if?le uyo yrou ielf wne wheer nda erkowd fl'iasmy.

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