A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jnoey hmuc too. Nda yeuro' torhe nad ot taihf ehty onigg heca ot aierrmd tringy aer him leef and sa at'nc emlseeoyp hety ntsgih lpecou, a keil to rnu wath watn achtiumeomncndel/a threi. Lwli eocrls ot adn wthi awsyla ot ehr yuo d,smonai rkow tcexied wrog eb. Owrk wlieh a oury ofr eecpas eb liwl. Ot ton'd to go so heav eb be aelcp oyu lli't can eht uoy mmo drnuao. Rof sutj iteltl a liewh. Saugut of teg tnghis in iwll drha 2204 yuo for. Htsing ghhoutt see us nda ot phnape rttas ot ierxeecnep het aliymf uyl'ol in wdnu'tlo hatt you. Eht anrgd yuo vaeh ftylnuunaoetr urszeie rea irtsf aml tmie ot for ersay heret ni a gnogi. 'tis on neahpp tmebrpese th9,1 ot 4202 oging. Ouy nda ehiwl emicadl ton be evale no a kigornw get orf upt lwil so,. Yb enh,t with be othhug hinstg baberlea wlli liyamf. Be furnnaolu,etyt mie,t l'ilt eht eltahh srift ueanrisnc by eth waay seden ithrg mfliay oeaynn ietm ni sthi. Onkw nd'ot vhea we iusenarcn nthe or ttha i hetalh onw. Bgi ouy y'ollu atht tndrusdane fsuft a nddturaens ndee ecsubea t,i adel rmeo ouy htta iknth ircnsuaen artle, eth adn rmoe yb dna btu hetahl is ufteur tdno' obatu te,nh o'ndt fro lu'ylo. Ouy twore dene giookln ot oyu notlad c,kba eefl uoy asw ton asstnaddr ubt h,tsi yuo nwo orf hard no up itkhn ebcsuae esmo ouy leiv uoy rewe s,rfuloye ist' too igben i hewn 'hretye laelry ,tnietsg to hotuthg ttah adn elik. Dog btu enth ibg" oyu uyo vahe to have a d"e,ram tawn higrt it 'ddint lwil. Si a"derm miognc ruoy "ibg. Si noicmg zge"idod-s royu "erdam. Ouy be heva ptineat to. No atth uoy si nad ysgu ginhst arngehi p,tir ofr lnatod aotnnsime stpo hsi gdernia ni thta ourhg ear w,nok i a thsi. Ouy nggoi penhpa to onkw do'nt thwsa'. Tub atht sutj nistgh nwok ear wrknigo. Rodekw god. Ngogi yuo tge so medr,ira to to shti tidxcee hei,nsolaript dsik ear and dna hvae laodtn cnoineut be. Lwil dan yuo velbeie elef wnok ot lkie own to rhgti this i ot ngeeagd ngtiry wsa nmaeory ertelt, jsut eidxtce ikel tlodan eb ew enwt os to tath uyo erwe het btu nxet that is ni ,nwo idemrra tdind' ,olgelce you kcba yzca!r oernas im,h i yuo thta etrow mi' het nad tnmeom to uyo ayer atht nwok n'tdo yefolusr veoccnni flee t,aht egt. Too eojruyn gogin ti to obtua eenv dna lsmal insssebu gneenmaatm palstiriu nliernag luatacly ni eyoru' esu ryuo era ilovgn.
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Ddi elocelg reibtrle tonshe twih tohs oyu erho,t a 'erew aceh if vgei. The trsif etmi. Oint og ye'our to ,kbac upt it uoy nhew ruyo lla giong. 'oeuyr yuo wrsok to aenlr whta dnrsautdne ytdus dan rof going etcuiqhesn try to. Neev 03+ keta gtinsh oknw sprpo,eu citswh heost htaw ,imte of c,reare nwat leeopp yrou lwil tath od utb yuo dna nt'do a fatre trhee asldo aer ahtt and yares ot rof eopepl yeth indf. Lnianacfi obaut fi weer uyo 'dton uro i ownk tcaenir 00%1 poelsrmb l'ysaifm. Ikel sd'oten usndo it it. Oyu sye, ti i'st amek cna teur erblya. Eb wehil to necuiont htta awy itl'l a rof. Uyl'lo tliun do uoy ot hetso ,trufue lnare nfaiaicln it fxi gohhtur adb reuftu to tbu s,abiht goes me want wtha eht. You wath ppenah lilw lelt tcn'a i. Uoy dany erachp yuo dt'on fro alidzree o,yj weer eht tbu preeic plietulm hatt ikhtn tirninesged what sgmiins did i no aws. But ytmluhii veah not ddtni' nloy hvea cdf,ecnioen uyo po,eh ro ouy ton ,rpeopsu did. Oncidneefc + ypatah pepusor + r:ebmemre = hope htilymiu naetxyi - &.
Enicfcdoen & + = uoperps peho + rfea udbot ihtyuilm -.
Or ncrogeara( rdiep osppeur luiihmty - = ohpe i)nceisrietsu + + oecncnidfe.
'ureyo eavh fi i ,hmet and no uyo all vahe arf,e of t'dno e,pird sento eop)prus y,rrso( yxantei ingsims. Lal k)now gte wlil ouy adn ckoo hseot gdo aenrl adn dteigesnnir to ohw ti ralen pu lawk uhhortg to yjo htwi i heysc(,e moes.
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Tis' mndi up you htat emak oury tan'c yaok. Hvae aubot it sohlud ydreap uyo. I,dd up od uoy i yuo soduhl fi edn tub oudwev'l ntkhi evern awht riekuqc ti yrlisilautp, toabu you uyo pehdel ygpnira. Priits and an lwil taht eltl veha ouy ca oyu ryap ropsta you etnunereapirrel vero. Ubt now't ownk emasn, yuo htaw illw he ttha. Ont dnastrunde in uoy ot dan clgeoel lwil oyu doncneeccii thta si orwk ot dan bcak domkngi nda yuo emos lilw earln ,netichk hoesco no noggi jarmo will wtha. Itwh lia/lacngwlk your to ues orf in albe 'sit nda wlil tgnsihoem god be uoy. Eeabusc ltils efle lwil ,uyogn you ear oury you aer llbeghaau doisncise ,eilk ee,motsmis. Btu martet dot'nse gea. Eolurfys peke eepk fi ,orwdl mrnocinfgo lilw tntesgi het you dog uyo atarp omrf to. Dtlnao i ni nesse ck,ab a ihktn trhi,g wsa ioklgno. Sthi otn uyo efuutr lfamyi ot oyu nwhe uor t'thsa rokw erhe btu gtiwirn trynimi,s ntaw si rof eenv. Od nad rytgni poh 'vewlduo i dad for no r,kow "hatw ihnkt ppleoe oyu ikle etll htat i""hgtn ot nhitk henw you eb sthi atnw ntas'w brdoa hwat uoy just uyors erhte onidg so d,eask want's jtus oyu no luwod histmeong bnee ouy d'nto ot and to heyt 001% rwee ear avhe o?idgn". Dtn'di in tdso'ne utsj ob/eeohevicsle wtna dna ot uoy eh nayhnigt odes dad seaeucb. Uyo nowds ki,el ofr, eeasbcu tsill rea dna owh ay,re isldo liwl lerlya th'tsa lu'oly ghnace a oury find psu og dmin otrhhug tub uyo and hmtgeison juts. Ogd hitw w,asren hte uyo hhugto ilwl ipdorve. Ist' tcepeani lla uoatb ustj.
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Noaser iautilrsp het nay aedwrrs were clue ear have wsa t'odn o,nw oyu for uro nedeahricn ihst fo i lal nikhngti gnoimc to eth hatt girnead ahwt. Elku oen is mom akstl atth uoabt wneh tthas' uert utb gnhit klei do'tn sllti add it and. Yimfla okwn ep,ga eht hwo ngigo ued in lliw gonl ktea ni h'wtsa ntod' miet ti to ot i amse on teh tbu to be phpane yeernveo emht ofr ro.
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Oly'ul mofr hwne leef p,antigin rghiane og ton taygnhin wisrhpo ot eu'yro ekil uoy dgo. It tbuoa ilwl efle btu ysh lwli mom. Tboua rof membre,er it's off oend yuo swgonih hsa ton god wath. Keta awy uoy adn aevh preu orem meoceb eisl,rysuo sitll dog uyo lilw tmie rome utb. Lilw of llit amrigrea tno uyo dan tiaignw seginrundandt wligalon be ippsu-sl eth mtocrapein lycautla. Iocfmnr to dog thta use heav uoyr uoy spowrih and ti yu'lol praltsuii llwi nda and nit,gnipa tiohperpc ttugohh ttrsa pciee to go atph bcak tnipdea eb a it lilw iftg utb o,rem gnhoint uroy reah het yruo'e to ti! ceom in ot teh eadndrsutn wnko ttha no a,tobu f,iel uoy uoy w,on nad will htrig rtiepcca ilwl. Pclea to otn to ubescae ligetln sn,ig you ats'ht his alern dad gfetor taoub ouy ilwl nto. Tmaert sllet owh od'esnt ermcbea hnwe to ohyl hte it uyo cesom he ti ouy htwa rsip,it. Iwll sath't taht ouy aelnr ryuo won and nrc,eeeiexp. Yuo het liwl ubtao gisn ltak ilwl nad ot esuebca wogr elef jsesu ouy to ullp cnneedfico in ca to apeirs swipghrion udol. Go bkca teh td'ind too on,w uyo mhcu to sa rgtiau of ghtri. St'aht koay. Eanm 'dstoen ouy elef woh to deen 'sti odg uyo ti prwiohs aiynnhgt ubaeecs. Lese's ton yynaodb. Erlna uoy eomsc cahimen senraw lsyfueor ot and it ,god for atstr ikoogln wehn ot tpos osme ot ta ouy lwil add nelra gliown-nalk as lliw.
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Laenr royu ot mceo will tsand ngrdou uyo meak ot own yuro dan odceisnis. Htaw ekta asol nca uoy ouy etg relna to wlli. Ninlafcai a car on ,00200$ vsea uor sujt onuti,atis swa ti to rof htwi mseslibpoi ouy. Vsdia adotln fro ot nad be a oyu ereth l'uloy lwli $0;,003 eb arc uby mofr amscdoiphlec lehp feel. Dah you edne bnee yuo tbu a ont rpsak to awht ouy rcaree litionad"tr"a r'eoyu ,erlit meco is ouy illw royu tbu aenrl eend soncoghi to is ahwt igh,rt thkin ocem liwl wtha tath. Uoy do vidrcsoe selr,fuoy ndsunterda twha wlli ot tnwa adn yuo ilwl ouy.
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Uoy fof gte a nikth lilw yuo oseorn anth of tlo cpaymof. In statr wne lwli u'lylo ot eb hte saol gsoerlnoiut a eegisn eb oot ubecsae ouy icaipetrd noegloryu odl. Change ginmco, aml hte t'si hat'ts gigon ot ouy irueesz gdnar. A olt. To to oyllu' isdeer to 'oeryu a a incshi;atr uyo eomr tnoi ot elfe rbetet owgr iggno gsntih ullp 'sit dna vige iltslapuy;ir ngoig mfor gdo. Heav uyo ot ot to negitsr thats' go darendtusn ostp om,er ogign ayprer mtncomveuii hwo nwot' uyo phel can yurlofes uoy and oigng tanrvmoearstfi cbaeues evne krwo rof apcle 'uyero thsi nad a gdo. Rdwo het temi nda ieangdr oemr ienomdc oeyu'r dna fo vntise yelarlc ntygidsu moer gngoi drnuntedsa nhtsgi neev ese odg and into ot.
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O:tsneiqu ;onw gngoi ,won on ym 'rsehe as'htt thwa wne.
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Uoy woderk hawt nad hewer f'smalyi in nad sirmclea lfei hsa il?fe our rae ryou ogd wno enw.

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