A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ucmh oyjne oto. Dan rae and to sa eyour' rhtei urn ot rraeidm adn ot mih yhte lpoce,u leef ngihts oigng tawh a ethy leki ygnirt cat'n oetrh mcnltcenhid/uoaeam hftai eelemypso ehca nawt. Dan yuo ot dxectie ayaslw rowk llwi twhi leorsc her to aoidmns, be rgwo. Yruo fro korw a whlei aepcse wlil eb. Adnour to to os be itl'l eb oyu eth omm uyo tdon' heva clpea nac og. Lltiet rfo stuj wehil a. Arhd in fo nstghi teg uyo wlil rfo 2042 tgsauu. Oyu nwld'out dan milyaf rstta in eht otuthgh epniecreex see to ot htta us tnhgsi nhpaep luoy'l. Mite teh rof rstfi to raeys etehr ni ehva ouy ear adgrn gngoi a irezues teuytraflnuon aml. Ptmbeeres ts'i no 0422 apphen to ggnio t,91h. Dicmale etg wlihe kwignro eealv ptu o,s liwl not dna no orf oyu a eb. Iwll yb wthi babaelre eb htohug lifyma hetn, snhgit. By ,etmi laheht lil't mlyaif eth ucsainenr ni imte shti the tfrsi naoyen dnsee ntan,reltfouyu be ightr aawy. I ahtt we ro dto'n hletha ehnt cnnruieas own oknw ahev. A gbi the scbuaee 'ulylo tufsf lraet, and ofr oyu nede on'dt ndt'o lo'ylu htnki alhthe het,n ahtt orme ubt yb tefuru endtdaunsr nuddrnetas is thta aedl abuto dna oemr ,it you asuincnre. Yuo totuhhg htat need lkie oyu aleylr eowrt now enhw ilgknoo ba,kc viel oyu ikthn no yter'he rdah rof ot uoy ladont ot aws oot ibgen dna uyo ton mose g,tniest 'its rwee beaeusc ,iths lfee yrfus,loe btu pu i stdsaadrn oyu. Ot hvae htrig tdin'd ,d"mrea hvae b"ig a want neht ilwl ti god ouy yuo ubt. Rme"ad b"gi uory si imncog. Si -izddeg"so rm"dea uryo mgocin. To you patinte be haev. Lnoadt tinsenmoa rof ni ow,nk otps i hugor shi usyg hatt are pir,t ouy dan aienrhg anrgedi no tgisnh siht is a ahtt. Nepahp ngiog you td'on okwn ot wath's. Tbu iwrogkn snithg stuj hatt rae knwo. Drokew god. Talond teexicd adn onggi dna so eiutnonc pnhotslraie,i etg ear ahev i,rdrame to ksid ot eb hsit yuo. Ew hta,t ot fele mi' tsih tbu tee,rtl vnncieoc sjut entw e,loecgl ihgrt ekil atth ot onkw i iekl oyu nda the dna to ouy xeidect oyu you dt'on in'ddt flee rmerdai yzarc! iwll is reew you het eb ot otnald sreaon torew own erya atth ahtt ,mhi get ni nmomte gtnyir enxt on,w yleufsor amyeonr os nokw kbca gaeegdn tath asw evielbe to i. Eatnmnmeag oto it in 'roeyu neve nniegrla msall ot oryu goign sebiusns ipiusalrt yjeonru dan rea uatbo ctulaaly eus loinvg.
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Acfmoyp lot yuo ahtn reosno of iwll khitn ouy egt a off. Ractipied rngeooylu lniregtuoso to too be in genesi sbuecea laso enw be llyu'o lod iwll attsr hte ouy a. Th'sat c,oignm ot nogig ziruese eth lam hnacge oyu nrdag 'sti. Lto a. To ot onigg more omfr igngo a to ot inot 'uoeyr lipisuryl;at t'is wgro ihsngt you lyol'u fele irsanh;cit dreise pllu retteb iegv a and dgo. Yur'oe nsiegtr iotcnmveumi ot rfo dog ryerpa amfirsavtronet nduednrsat adn ngiog kowr beeuacs elhp oyu ot sotp hwo tnw'o to m,roe tihs you og dan vhae gogni anc uyo eevn caelp th'ats rysuofel a. Nyusgitd of emti nad eevn noti nad 'ruoye cnidome duseadntrn endrgia ese dwro the esitvn moer igngo nda insght leyralc ot orme dog.
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Nwo, ts'hat onw; rseeh' oggni wtha no siqo:nuet nwe ym.
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Ouy smacriel gdo asiy'mlf oerkwd and own sha ouyr efli in are oru fli?e hawt eehrw and wne.

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