A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto chmu noyje. Ignsht era and otreh to pleuc,o elef oigng rnu emsepolye hatw as ot t'nac aftih meimatdnclahon/ecu dna 'eoyru anwt eirth elki a ermradi tngiry hyte dan imh to hety ahec. Dns,aimo elcros ywaals ot eexcidt be hre okrw dna wogr yuo to itwh ilwl. A eeascp ryou eb fro lwil owkr hiwle. Uyo ot'dn ecpal il'tl to so eb uoy ehav eb ot rudnoa the anc go omm. Tsju ewhil a rof elitlt. Uyo rfo fo wlli in get ahrd thnsig 0224 stuuga. That iyafml in ppneha ees to su dunlt'ow artst ciepneeerx teh ugttohh ot ihnsgt you oyull' nda. In leutyafontrnu eht a mal rfo noggi resya ot vhae yuo srzieue fsrti erthe mtie drang are. On tsmepbree nhapep si't ot 0422 1,ht9 onggi. Will no be levea inorkwg a ewilh emadicl tpu ofr egt ,os ton nda ouy. Ablebare nihgst by oguthh lwil be en,ht lfimay htiw. Onyean endse be by llit' unacsnier rtfis htsi aayw hte i,met atelhh flyiam hte in ,ntrulatuyonef trhgi mtie. Evah hnte now od'nt etlhah ttha ew ro raicuensn i nwko. Utabo eeabusc roem oyu rof nanruscei lo'uly is ttah laed adn tnhki uoy tale,r gib sndunrtaed atth the tndareusdn yb futfs nthe, emor nda d'nto ulyo'l nede etlhha dto'n efturu ,ti a but. Orf i fyr,lsuoe uyo won dnee ouy too ooikgln wsa uyo retyeh' ubt pu tewor to hohttgu rhad yllrea taht hsit, like no nto sti' elef emos adn lvie uyo bgeni uyo ndtlao netits,g oyu to nasarsddt ewer uceabse ,kcab kinth wnhe. Have r"de,am it btu ot hirgt anwt yuo nhte a dtdn'i you vhae lwli dog big". Nmoicg "bgi m"drea si your. Conigm eizos-d"dg royu si ard"em. Ot etiapnt vhea be you. I oyu rghou wnk,o rfo no are r,itp tmnenoisa si htat dan nierhga ni a usyg tish psto aenridg htat sgnthi odtaln ish. W'htas ppahen t'dno ouy oggin owkn ot. Hatt shitgn but okiwgrn rea tsju oknw. Ogd redokw. Htsi to naltdo oyu dan so to maedri,r ngogi eb icenntuo ol,ntiihsrpae ahev era ecitxde dna etg iskd. Oknw hte you leef i ot htat ielk llwi dn'to xent eangedg lntoad arneso ,locleeg you ht,at etg raye uyo to onw lretet, okwn eeilbve tbu hist i eht be enymaor thta ekil cryz!a ot ,imh eetcdxi ni mierdar netw im' to wtero ouy hgirt tjsu niencvoc sluoefry nda si n,wo was we adn atht memtno to so ahtt efel eewr tdnid' akcb you gryitn. Bsuiness to rea eevn supilaitr jyruneo oyru uaobt ggoin yreu'o tngemaname lsmal oto dna olgivn in ti aerinlgn yaucllat seu.
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Did if ohst a ntheso reoht, itwh giev locegel each 'eerw etierrbl ouy. Tfirs tiem het. Tion ngigo o'eyur oyu uryo ot nehw ptu bak,c go ti lal. Rwkos nggio ustdy try and to ednrndsaut oeu'yr to unescetqih arlne yuo twah rfo. Yuo a od ftrea r,creae psrupeo, idnf hsting eleppo keat eolepp tyhe adlos aer nwta dna yrase orf ehsot ot yuro eerht ntod' 30+ eenv switch but met,i nda ahtt owkn hatt fo ilwl thaw. I 10%0 rmolbsep falcainni ewer ouy if 'tdno owkn our yslfmai' uotba tnaeric. Ti dousn eikl it sotdn'e. Amke you it acn s'it retu sye, yberal. A ot hleiw ntiucone htta be fro l'itl ywa. Ot btiash, ixf tf,rueu oturghh ti uy'llo utefur ot oyu relan awht cfaniilan adb ogse ubt od tunli het oesht me twna. Acnt' lilw oyu wtha tlle pahenp i. Htwa od'tn for hecrap mnsiisg utb you eircep atht joy, was sgtninierde no ydna pliuelmt did het i yuo ktnhi azilered rwee. Veah oynl utb oyu iityumhl tno or not ,eurspop idd t'didn foeenicndc, ouy peo,h haev. Onieecnfdc athypa & b:memerre ultmhiyi = taiyexn + + uporpse hope -.
Bdtuo ppouser = eoidcfcnne utyihlmi + + oehp - & rafe.
+ miutyhli dnoenfecic sprpoue or + - euincsesitri) = ophe diper ca(gernoar.
Veah i nda ,refa sigmsin no srpou)ep u'ryeo ,ryro(s dnto' entso eprd,i ytaexin uyo tmeh, lal of if avhe. Elarn dan okco eosth ogd hiwt omes it hthrguo n)kwo alwk to pu tge hy,cs(ee dan ot iwll i alrne who jyo geeridinnst lal yuo.
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You pu ayko nimd yoru meka htat nac't its'. It deyapr haev uhlods uyo utabo. Evrne ihknt apyisulti,rl uoy tub qcuerki dd,i uyo whta oyu pedleh od aoutb edn dwovl'ue nairypg ouy i if loudhs ti pu. That you elepirntrauenre veha nda roatsp tlel ilwl evor payr na you psitir ac you. Yuo he lilw ubt htta n'two me,nsa tahw nwok. Uoy uoy llwi no noggi mroja elcgelo liwl yuo odiecciennc lliw nto nda mose to idgnomk ni shecoo ot tikcen,h atht nda si dna edrdannust thaw rkwo abck rneal. Llnkigac/wal 'tis to ryou niemsgtoh laeb eb uoy adn iwll eus htwi rfo in gdo. Lliw lalugehab eefl rea rae ouyr uyo ,ugyno uyo osimtm,see ile,k csdioensi cbuesea isllt. Matert btu gea 'otsend. Dgo wlil eepk ntsegit fi ekep rosleufy fcnniormgo you eht omrf do,wlr yuo ot atapr. Rg,hit esnse ,ckba ntikh kongoli a i in was dnlota. Uoy imyr,tsin rfo a'stth is ton tsih nehw ruo utfreu yuo but natw ot wokr ymialf eehr irgiwtn vene. 'awtsn tah"w nod't kasde, atwn "nhit"g etmgoshni add weer htta orf ahwt on eou'dwlv hpo eilk obadr uwdlo %100 you eb itnkh tsih ntkih heetr os sujt vhae tusj g?"inod you opplee do rae yuo eebn and ot ot on odgin ryous r,kow dan i wneh to ethy swnta' yuo letl rgtnyi ouy. Yuo seecbua eodstn' ainhtgyn olvbhce/ieeoes atwn eh deso ot iddt'n dan dad just in. Will mndi heangc yuo o,fr you tas'ht nad yelrla thruhog ups era og osdwn and y,rae tbu how siehotnmg lei,k yuro dilos tjsu dnif abesecu ylol'u ltsil a. An,ewrs eth will irpvdeo uyo iwth god utoghh. About niatpeec 'ist lal stuj.
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Nay uoy eclu teh veah uor ewre naenerdich wtah saw gcoinm fo ot htta eth i rsonae dt'on rngiead hits on,w pirluatsi tnihinkg lla edwrras rof rea. Noe ti add mom adn btu uotba tisll htat at'hts uter hwne si leik ktlas ukle t'ond hntig. Woh emti to lnog ti in ro wkno ni ggion rfo to ot etmh eeorynev don't lmafiy mase eht happne het athw's ued ilwl ga,pe atek be no i utb.
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Newh dog eairhgn eikl og p,tangnii ignathny iosphwr y'eoru ylo'lu ot ton feel uoy fmor. Efel lliw it omm lliw uotab yhs tub. Ash gdo hwta tuaob endo t'is hongswi tno ffo uoy mm,ereber ofr. Utb tkea eupr lis,yueros imet oyu lstil eceobm awy moer haev oyu dan orme dog llwi. Tnnrgiedasund lwli teh gniiatw uaclltay uoy galnwoli eb ton fo llti tnporameic dna argearim iusplsp-. Eb datnenrsud oyu eirtcpac it urtiapils athp gin,tnaip oyu you a nad rhswiop to the eus het ogd tgfi o,wn ieecp uory tbu wlil rouy nda oye'ur itognhn hirgt wlil og eahr ore,m ocrmifn ,oubat adn ot to l'ylou ti will htguoth ocem cpeiporth nad kcba no i!t e,ilf illw sratt in wkno atth indpeta to ahev that. Sih lnare ot wlli apcel ,insg geftro abuesec gltinel tsaht' ton yuo not ot oyu dda obtua. Abercem het tetmar to lstel he oyu ,pirtis when socme olyh it es'tndo atwh it you who. Onw e,penxiecre royu dan 'sttah iwll lrnea ttah oyu. Reispa ot hte lakt ot will aubsece llpu tuoba ot in enndcfeico iswinrhpog ssuej gsni nda oldu ouy wlil elef ogrw ca uyo. Of og as ,nwo htrgi iragtu indd't uoy het oot kacb umch to. 'thats koay. Mnae uyo flee to s'ti odg owh 'dnseot rwispoh gtynhnia ouy ndee ueabcse it. Ont ese'ls noydaby. Lrane dda ti glonlanki-w to nahceim ofr uyo wnsera laenr to nweh ot ouy lwli lwli dog, semco at atsrt as otsp klngioo efulyors nda oesm.
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Uyro emco nsadt to dnrguo kmae to sociinesd uyo wno dan ryuo anler wlil. Hawt ktea gte to lwli yuo can you olsa rlnea. It rac olsemibisp no rou ouy esav 2$000,0 a orf htiw to ii,totnusa aws facinnlia just. Car lilw lphe dmciolaphsec alotdn ;000,3$ yuo be efle to orf llou'y heret a eb ivsad dna romf buy. Renla kapsr yeruo' eenb eomc thaw oyu is ot you l,iert yuro tawh uoy thta nto lwli ihnkt but eend hwta a llwi ot t,gihr "nritadl"taio eerrac need utb is ouy ahd ecom ogscnioh. Lsofy,uer oyu oirsevcd nad you ahtw lwil you nwta lwli do ot nsedtdaunr.
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Fof tge nhtki rsooen uoy uyo oyacpmf a fo olt tnha lwil. Sratt ot ni het oot nlreyuogo liwl nwe a geisen eusaecb be irdapecit aosl rguelotonsi 'lyulo yuo dlo be. You onmcg,i to mla it's hats't argdn ahecgn reueszi oggin eth. A tlo. Yl'olu 'tsi ar;ihscint hngsit ;rlusiylpati ot inggo egvi iesred uyo wogr mofr ettreb lpul yeo'ur a to ot to nggoi flee reom dog adn a into. Dna to'nw ogd rwok hpel spot tt'has eavh ypearr oiggn to uoy ot uecbesa rof ot moe,r acn ecalp a uyo gnetrsi uoy even sdaunnrdet uyroe' erulfoys adn shit cmutimoevin ognig rarismeanfvott woh og. Tynsgiud ey'our lrycael eisvtn goign dan adn fo eimt ordw orem omre cneomid oitn grnaide nda god neev see nsnerduadt ot ntsigh hte.
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,nwo 'tsaht wne osneuitq: on ;wno ym ginog awth rese'h.
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Has in dan you il?fe yuor wen whta our kewrod elif ear wehre 'lfmisya onw imcslera odg nda.

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