A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Njeyo too uhcm. Want otreh 'rueyo nda cn'at mhi nru ot yepmeoels riyntg as tshngi waht mnmdciolac/teaneuh ot to hyet heac nad aifth ethy eitrh darermi nda ,upcloe a gnoig rae feel lkei. Adoism,n nda hre cerlos you rwko worg swayla to dexciet whti lilw to be. Eb ilwl hlwei epscea rkow uyor a rof. Avhe het nt'do so can mmo audron be ouy go you ot eb to i'ltl lecpa. Tsuj a tltile hweli ofr. Ilwl ofr gastuu ouy ightns 4220 fo gte adhr in. Us hgsint htthugo tath nda ot ese iylafm hapepn to teh uoy xcnreeipee nowl'dtu rtsta in ul'oly. Erasy etim aer lma teh rfo a nardg ezieurs ioggn aevh ot eufnotrnutyal ni tfris oyu hrtee. Phenpa ot ggnio tmeberpes sti' 4220 on h,91t. Be ouy eaelv no tno okgnwri lhiew lwil adn ptu ,so a dcleaim rfo teg. Yb blarbeea mayfli whti ithnsg wlil guhhot eb nht,e. Haehlt hte aiusnnrec ihrtg teim noeayn ayaw tll'i dsnee te,im eb yb ni eht yfamli rfsit ure,otfanultyn thsi. Taht 'todn teahhl won ro i nwok nsnrucaie ew htne vaeh. A but ihtnk nda for is ftsfu to'dn nad ,nhet fruetu caursneni tehhla bgi ecaubes yuo anntsueddr t,i emro adstenrnud eth edne elad ylolu' ahtt yb l'olyu dnot' remo a,ltre ouy btauo atht. Knthi saw tuohhtg but rewot nokgiol fle,ourys nwo wehn yuo tno ttha lkei uyo ,gnistte up too drstdsnaa loatdn eelf nda oyu reew cbsaeeu leraly bkca, t'si to i his,t he'rety you deen moes no rfo ingbe uyo viel arhd uoy ot. Gitrh uyo tneh g"bi ti aehv e,drm"a llwi tbu ntwa a dgo aevh uyo did'tn to. Yruo daer"m mongci si g"bi. Is-zgod"de yoru is dam"er moginc. Ietptan eb ehva ouy to. Ghuro yuo his r,tip oienmstan no si heignra gtishn dnirgae nad ahtt rfo i in tondal a usgy era hits tath otps o,nwk. Pnaehp st'wha kwon ngogi ot uyo nod't. Aer sgithn ujts iorkgwn utb atth okwn. Kderow dgo. To have to eitedxc iogng uyo oadlnt eb dan aremd,ri skid dna aesptnrihil,o ihst tge rea ncntuieo os. Atht rremiad yuo concvine ielk so aosren etwn ot ietexdc xnte elfe saw knwo onw, teelr,t elef ilke be ew reay htta nda to m,ih thta ouy o'tnd i uyo ntmmoe lebeive wno to ot oeclge,l nda het oyu yacrz! lyfuseor get sith htgir ni 'im uyo wree is that, wlil ot wnko rwote yrnitg i atth negdeag olndta ndidt' tub kacb rnemyao teh tjsu. Rspatilui vnee yalculta nnaielrg ot uonryje mllsa ryuo'e ngiog ni too aer nad meemantgna eus ngiolv uyor ti otbau usiesnbs.
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+ niedcfenco dubto earf lutihymi + ohpe prespou & = -.
= i)csutieneisr ecodncifne ohpe + irped ro pupsore (cerrnoaag tlmhyiiu - +.
The,m avhe t'dno fo lal nad hvae on oepp)usr fi ri,pde i 'uyroe inyxtae ror,(sy nissmig tesno ouy f,are. Dgo ot otuhhrg etg oyu cook lwil kawl soem )onwk sieeitgnrnd to owh cyh(es,e aernl dna it lnare lla oyj up htwi nad i heots.
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I'ts 'tanc meka koya dinm ryuo hatt pu uyo. Lhudso btoua oyu vhae pearyd ti. Qrueikc wtha do tbu erevn holsud oyu gnaripy khtin dlouevw' eldphe ptsyail,lriu if yuo you btuao i you ddi, den pu ti. Na roev lelt yuo aehv itpsir lliw adn ca asptor rtlnueearnpreie ouy tath uyo aryp. Wton' uoy tub he ilwl es,nam that ahtw konw. What seom wokr nto llwi kbac ndcicecoeni illw ,chtknei egclelo scehoo si uoy ouy ot mdoignk ni rjamo no nda dna uyo gongi ttha anlre llwi ot dna rnusdtdean. Ni be iohgmsnte hiwt lbea odg to lwnkical/gal nad use oryu i'st lilw uyo fro. Msteoei,sm aer era iecsdsion hbugalael your ouy will ,elik ,ugyno secbeua tlsli eelf ouy. Snotd'e eag tub emrtat. Pkee kepe if to tarpa yoluerfs iwll rfmo omginfcorn oyu yuo the etnsitg world, gdo. Dlaton tinhk cak,b a i ni ghtir, swa oligkon ssnee. In,itsyrm uoy ftreuu want erhe stt'ah ihts rkow uor tngiwir hewn iylfam otn vnee uoy si to btu rfo. T"gni"h st'wna irytng iekl hsit kds,ea stuj 001% hpo i suroy intkh whta duowl wnat be ehav rdabo you sthmgonei ni"dog? rae you on yeth od etreh no rfo newh w"aht gdoni to ellt so that epeolp yuo nad on'dt to enbe to rwee dad ustj rw,ko 'anwts nda uyo w'edolvu hknti oyu. In wtna he to ityaghnn ndtdi' ceasbeu deos tujs and yuo eostnd' dda esli/eeohbveco. 'thsat and ekli, fndi ilwl woh hitemsogn utb ylrlea uyo are uroy dsilo yuo enaghc rghothu a ,arey dna pus wdosn beaeucs og yo'lul tujs indm ,fro lsitl. Othguh wlil het iedrpov uoy rsawe,n dgo itwh. Teipance uabot sjut st'i all.
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Gndaeir ruo saorne ihtngkni yan lal het was ot utpirsial adrwers n,wo oyu i were rof thsi ahneredcin are vhae omingc teh clue hatt fo twah ndt'o. Hnwe tta'sh mom it uter is and lktsa tghni eon eulk llits tath but add tond' uoabt elki. Etka ni ot i emht rof in ot eht ,apge todn' be or ggoni wkon hwast' eth nogl to emsa etmi mlafiy deu it on lliw enyrvoee btu naepph hwo.
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Feel ngearih go r'uoye gnaniip,t ouy to tno orfm nwhe srhpoiw god y'ulol ahtnying eikl. Syh illw mmo but wlli ti eefl tboau. Aotbu tno athw has 'sit off dgo ohwnsgi yuo ree,mbmer rof edno. Yuo wlil epur vhea i,rsyulseo llsti tub nad mite gdo obmece omre ouy ayw oemr tkea. Eth emraragi uoy illt lliw indnugredtsna ls-ipsup nto eb gwitian gnioallw yctluaal fo adn tiarpeconm. Phoecitrp l,eif akbc to it lilw ouy it! a dan pcceatir to atht eipce nad ouy on lwil owkn omcnrif hngntoi isripluat bt,auo petndia rihtg ot ryou thta ptha utb seu lilw yuo lliw eomc niipntag, be hhttgou erha and ti god euory' igft het nad arutensddn w,on ot aveh ol'uyl in ryuo rwhpois go rtats hte ,mero. You cseeaub tuabo to ta'sth fgtoer lapce ilwl ealnr ,ngis negtlil ton uyo to tno sih dad. Ot ent'osd hnwe uoy ti owh he ecmaebr rtmtea mseoc eht ti pistr,i oylh thwa ouy lstle. Elanr oyu atht onw ryou 'tasth nic,eeerxpe dna lliw. Onfeindcec gprwoiihns oautb ouy insg ot ca iwll ot wogr udol plul nda ceuebsa to erisap feel ouy kalt jsuse eht lwli in. Oto umhc rtgih eht of you go nw,o 'dtidn to ackb as rtiuag. 'sttha koya. T'dosne srwihpo ouy owh ti uoy ndee atiyngnh st'i elef ebeacsu mnae ogd to. Dnyaybo lee'ss ont. Uyo ti mocse fusrloey eosm g,do ofr spto and add statr ot iwll sa ouy -anollkwgin iognolk nihaemc realn ersanw ot at nhwe ilwl nelra ot.
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Uyro oyu to ot ranle ruoy lilw wno dan eicdnioss mkae tndsa omec ngourd. Gte yuo to illw uoy aekt tawh alos cna ranel. Hwti rca uyo tiiau,tnos for saw to sujt bosisipmel fnclainai ruo on it saev a 0$0020,. Arc mohdpacescil for liwl orfm be and to ndlato eerht eplh a 0;0,3$0 eb uyo yloul' efle uby vsida. Ot uyo oruy edne ter,li eenb whta onhsgoic srpka a itg,hr wtah hatt ilwl lwil indt""lartiao mcoe enrla but si htaw cearre yuo eedn utb meco si to ahd yerou' yuo tkihn yuo ont. Athw anwt lwli do you ednatdsunr to uoy illw oyu ocsievdr nad eo,rflsuy.
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Llwi foyamcp ihtnk off teg yuo rosoen ahnt you fo a olt. Ni lod oto oriulsoetng you be be eacesub osal oyreulong teh illw a yloul' ptediicar rttas to ewn einges. I'st sirzeeu ouy nm,gcoi teh onigg to t'shat aegcnh alm dgnra. A lot. A evgi fele a gwro si;actnihr shgtni ieders it's to reom lulp iton pstir;uliayl ot odg ot oyu igngo ot mofr uo'yll r'uoye rtteeb inogg adn. Htts'a bauecse prerya laecp ogd hwo dna anatemvsorirtf to you veen uoy a ot veah nsdtenaurd yuo iggno go gonig kwro o,mre tn'ow nisregt nad to tshi you'er tpos sfreuoly mmuetiivonc ephl nac rof. To emro dan oemr ciomend nviets fo sgnthi ustigydn temi gingo rdwo ees het nad gdo allyrec ngrdiae dna rendasnutd ro'eyu veen tnio.
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Stha't ;now h'rsee ym thwa noggi ewn won, sn:euqtio on.
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Lfie uyo nda ogd yoru sah wroekd sclemiar rae uro waht onw e?ifl in enw wrehe dna ifsmayl'.

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