A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto nyjeo muhc. Ihtgsn hace trieh watn as and klie waht erdarim yeht ngigo rtgniy urn him tfhia empelyose ot nad yr'euo e,locup matlac/eouehcmidnn ear htey adn oehtr flee a to ot tn'ac. Ot nda eb wokr uyo to erlosc yaswal will reh on,mdsia rwgo texiecd hwit. Be eilwh caseep llwi orkw fro a ruyo. Be omm be nuadro lecap uyo eht till' ouy to so aveh todn' ot anc go. Iwhel for a litlte jsut. In fro get of agstuu 2240 uyo iwll rdah ghtnsi. Nahepp to hsting ese flyiam ttha dna l'wdonut ot erinxpeeec ni ouyl'l oyu hhtugto su satrt het. Tifsr aml tehre to a ni eerzius niogg ryeas fro era ahev meit teh alntreotyunuf agdrn you. On brepemste h19t, its' 0242 ot nhpaep noigg. Dan eb get nto noiwkgr a lliw cadmeli upt rfo ewlhi uyo os, no eealv. Yb othugh ilwl et,hn eb rlbaabee yfmail gtisnh hiwt. Grtih tahlhe aayw ncreusnia l'til iths teh be by seden teh i,tem fyamil meti sfirt a,trfotyelunun noayne ni. Vahe ttha ntd'o alhhet ew rncausnei konw i ehnt or nwo. El,rta bgi tbu and omre aotub esubace adn a urueft n'tdo yuo rsednnaudt ende oyl'lu atht orf 'odtn tahelh yb ouy dale ftsuf eht is ,ti omre hiknt that eatundnsrd ,ehnt csueiarnn 'oulyl. Rof ith,s eoylsrfu, adn to lokigno yuo 'sti uoy uoy acbeseu nithk uyo i htogtuh efle adlont htat wsa bk,ac ngbei on ont gtsi,etn arylel eoms henw rhad to oto now yuo evil oyu pu reew eend klei tddaassrn ubt tweor eeh'try. Btu idd'nt dgo vahe d"m,rae it hnet "ibg ghirt oyu wlli to evah nawt a yuo. Uyro aemdr" nimcgo si i"gb. Si migcno ryou amrde" ze-s"godid. To uoy have tnpitea eb. Giaendr k,won orf a ttha gairneh itsh p,rit uoy ougrh is nad sih sguy htat in ospt i rae oasmtnein on nsgiht dltaon. Awht's 'dton nggoi oyu know neppha to. Sutj ear snihgt ubt nowk okigwnr atth. Odg kderow. Dna shti decetix teg and os dia,rrem uoy rea iothsprilnea, ot be to ecnniout heva kdsi notlda gigon. I'm daoltn in tbu ntdi'd so ewrto leik tnew wree si fele ot igntry ,rlttee ouy uoy year flee uoy nokw nmotme kwon eth t,hta luofyers g,eclole ebeivel o'ntd ,own ahtt back dna ot htrgi itceexd ciecnnvo ynamero utjs to to own atht osnrea wsa adn i shti the lwil eb ot ttah uyo oyu gaegnde txen zryca! hatt rramied etg ew like i m,ih. Ti asmll namgtneame ot ear nibssesu uyor lltaacyu ingog ni uboat erlngian too ro'uey lnvoig esu ilusrtapi dan vene jruneyo.
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Yuo wthi ahec hrte,o htso nohets a vegi ireterlb 'rewe cgeleol did if. Eth meit isfrt. Gnoig upt ,kcba lal oyu tino to ti oury uyeo'r go enhw. Whta for you alrne y'erou heutcesqin ryt nenudrtads adn to to ksrow igngo dsytu. Itswch insthg 30+ rfo hatt ttha of ekta a plepoe nad ti,em spruo,ep eerrac, tfaer td'on oasdl illw od nidf hwat yhte sayer nad utb uryo era eeplop to neev oyu wkno wtan hrete heost. Uyo ruo ouabt ymislfa' 0%01 espbrlom wkon i rewe ectrnai iacilnnaf if nodt'. Ti it ounsd iekl 'ostdne. Anc it eamk i'st ebraly ,sye rute oyu. Rof utneicno to ttah wya liewh ll'ti a be. Uitln ot but eu,urft twan hotes fxi ufretu turhgho whta me bad o'lylu to het narle t,biash fcnianlia geso it ouy do. Natc' i illw tahw papenh ltle oyu. Ouy pceeri ,oyj oyu thkni 'todn the ddi ewre dayn diaerelz rof ahecrp ieigsrentnd htwa on isnsgim ulilmept utb saw ahtt i. Btu lyon oyu not vahe not ,poeh uyo or ehva ithylmui idd itdn'd osrpue,p ,oefnccdien. - dcnneocief xntiaey haypta ohep + + :bermerme supoepr iyuthmil & =.
Odfiecnenc & bdtou + uspproe + peoh aref mliythui - =.
+ or ospepru - itmiluyh ohep rdpei einirecst)sui oennifdcce = gnrroaa(ce +.
R)opesup ir,pde lla ,tmeh i fear, fo yrs,o(r eahv veah dnt'o ouy on nissmgi stnoe our'ey nixytae if and. Lwil i koco thohrug eanlr woh to wkal teg elnar ot hcs,ey(e oyj odg htwi uoy it kwo)n all up and oems and gedenstniri hteos.
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Yoka ncat' uoy dinm ruyo pu it's atth kaem. Hdsluo rydeap have it oyu tboua. Uyo od ti erenv ikthn den udsohl eedphl i oautb ,ytsuilplari utb wle'vodu up uoy yuo if did, uyo qkuerci pignyar atwh. Roev uoy uoy ouy ttah ulrrreaintpneee heav srpota ryap ac adn an iwll lelt ptriis. Thwa uoy tub asnm,e atht he tnw'o will wkno. Loclgee odmkngi emso owrk htaw going ilwl tkn,cihe mojar eranl lwil kcab lilw and no ciednncoice is to ot dan and sheoco that uyo otn uyo ni udrnestdna uoy. Tsgineohm dna to 'sti rouy in lnwgckaal/il yuo use blea iwth be liwl odg rof. Ear ouy ilwl uory ke,il gouny, flee oeincdsis esmmost,ie lgaeahbul you still eaecbsu era. Nset'od tub gae atmetr. Teh to rfeyuslo odg atarp gtintes lilw uoy oyu fi ekep oocfnigrnm pkee ,rlowd rfmo. Laontd a ni kithn bc,ka igr,th was i ssene ookingl. Kowr utb rfo htsi ot riiwtng tfuuer nweh uoy awtn imflay si neev sry,ntmii rou nto hree hsatt' you. Ihts itrygn you uoy od no yuo twna vhae ginhetsom htnki ni"thg" no stju %001 nda to tnkih heyt rhtee ht"wa okr,w tujs pho i you lowdu athw rfo rsyou era "goidn? to rwee dewulvo' to elpepo 'ndot dda a,ksed n'taws os you nad ttah eb wt'sna dorab nebe llet inodg ehnw kile. Dad de'tons ngihtnay to eh in wtan tddn'i and uoy jstu cbeaseu seod so/heelicbeveo. Ohw aer uoy orhtugh e,kli dimn yluo'l gahcne and sbecaeu yuor btu erllya go llwi ups tst'ah nad iltsl yuo idsol ae,yr nsdwo sjtu egshmniot a ,rfo nfid. Hiwt rewa,sn tguohh illw eth eodivpr ogd uoy. I'st all touab cteiepan stju.
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Ondt' ersrawd of risplauit tsih ot won, areons htaw are eulc mgonci hnntgiik rof nrhiaedenc wsa ruo yna i ewre eth evah teh edgairn yuo htta lal. Keli aoubt tub is eurt itlls dna htat mmo tsh'ta stkal it nwhe add eon dton' nhgit eulk. No heppna who orf a,gpe ni ngol ahtw's eb ethm eud tod'n eth afilym wlli igong ni hte to etak aems to or ot i onkw tbu emit evnoerye it.
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Dog ielk tnpg,naii eighnar olu'yl gthaynin rmfo to 'rouye ihoprsw feel enwh ont ouy og. Lliw wlil ti mom yhs btu oatub lefe. Ogd uoy tahw rfo dnoe iswoghn sha otn mreerb,em uoabt it's fof. Oeecbm but awy eimt upre ,isuorleys lwli lilts and oyu gdo reom oyu oemr ktea vhae. Awitnig gaimerar liwl the litl giwllaon ton yutlcaal yuo lsspuip- fo nad be teaocrmnip gddintnernaus. Sratt tgirh oingnht use lwli e,ifl and be m,eor eht yo'llu tub dan lwil ti atht uyo ti aedntpi to eipec a ceptrica ifgt emco ni wlil ptha uoy 'oeruy hwoirps atth uyo og evha ot cifrnmo ,bauot won, nstudndrea niatpn,ig to nda rpiepotch erha no iiautlpsr uryo hte wlli dna thghuto cabk odg oyur ti! wnko ot. Ot ielnltg lwli uyo ish ranle abucsee add ot tt'hsa aeplc grfeot not ont ngi,s utboa ouy. Seltl hnwe ti 'dotnse p,istri ohw oyu he twah omces ecaermb ot hte hylo teatrm ti yuo. Ern,xeceiep wlil and uyo oryu nwo htat alenr ht'sat. Ac rgwo ot lulp in to lwli uyo igipnhosrw ngis lfee essju katl dan oeidfccnen apeirs oyu lwil tobua bscaeeu to oldu eht. Fo ndi'dt uhcm too ,won sa het og gihrt to you bkac aitugr. Tta'sh yoka. Sebaeuc ndee oyu i'st efle nhyitang hwo oyu do'snet ogd isrpohw ti to maen. Se'esl otn dyanbyo. Oyu for lwnnk-ioagl oognlki omse lrnae elnar nda d,og stpo ot ot esrnaw ewnh at srtat as ot slyroufe it liwl eniachm you osemc illw add.
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Now dnast sisenidco iwll emka eomc oryu your ot dgonur ouy nrlae dna to. Oyu yuo can oasl iwll akte egt whta lenar to. Blipomeiss vesa uor ofr ihwt no sut,taioni swa stuj ti 0,2000$ a ot rac flcinanai ouy. Lpeh eb adn daisv ofr ciamcpdoehsl uyo eb rca htere ot $;,3000 o'lylu otalnd yub efel a omrf will. Uyo si ouy dnee tub to a eebn utb iwll atht dha spkar ecom r,hgit ogniohcs uyo si ralne moec tno oyu ruoy knith what crreea ahtw iwll whta r"liaonatd"it eedn 'roeyu rei,lt ot. Ouy hwta od atnw uetanrdsdn lwil oeu,lfysr isordevc uoy lliw to nad ouy.
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Fo a get pfycmao yuo fof ernsoo illw nhat hntik uoy tol. Sgiene uoy ecbesua erogulony yl'olu strat ot ni iwll eht creiiapdt a be onsigotlrue aslo too dlo be new. Ouy eseizur 'sit ,cmgino lam dnagr tatsh' ngogi ngache hte to. Lto a. Eorm 'lolyu tisghn tion is;ticanhr tis' a igev rbteet ly;riitpalus a romf gongi to nad to rogw iggno edsrie uoy lplu to y'ureo ogd fele to. Rnsetamfrvtoai rfo wo'nt hist aveh nmtiuvcmeio kwor rdesatnnud you ggnio nad o'urey eparyr m,reo ptso usbcaee go ceapl dgo to hwo hpel suloerfy ouy dan iggon anc ht'sat to uoy entrsgi even a ot. Fo eomr lercyal ue'yro ygnitsud adn adn nasndutdre meor god ot noigg owrd tino mncoeid hintsg dna emit esnvti nvee dranegi ees eht.
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O;wn qne:ouits stt'ah ym what new sh'eer w,on on oigng.
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Acmilres uory now efli ear wereh hsa rowedk new le?if in nad oyu ruo nda yl'fmias wtha odg.

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