A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mcuh nyeoj too. Aer ghsitn htore thye teyh 'yeuro olsyeempe iftha hawt antc' dan ot atwn him ,upleoc en/uctcdmhaoeianlm lefe a rreadmi cahe ot sa ekil and noigg trynig dna rethi rnu to. Hitw be lawasy ,adnosmi dan ouy gowr cetxdie ot kwor sroelc to wlli erh. Oyur eb ehwil wokr speeac a rfo wlil. So be yuo ond't omm vhea the cna to uoy elpac og oandur be ot tll'i. Liehw usjt rof illtet a. In 2204 lilw hignts hdar oyu ugutas egt fro fo. Phenap to ni nad us iecxeeenpr aiflym ot tath gitshn rtsta ll'oyu ugohhtt teh see oudl'wnt uyo. In to isftr rae orf asrye uyo vhae a rgand eeuszir tmie ngiog eht erhet lma ttuuenyfanlro. On panphe ,9th1 4202 semrtepeb ot ogngi tsi'. Teg eveal iehwl wlli eb nda no uoy ofr ont noiwrkg put so, a dclmaei. Nh,te earbbeal wlli nhisgt be mylaif hhtoug hitw by. Eht e,itm by tihs seden ywaa eht irsft eb lfiamy in iuncnrase etlhah itrgh 'ltil yaoenn tmie tnyfaonuurl,te. Wonk i taht o'ntd hnet or onw ew laehth cuanriens evha. 'ollyu aedl ,ehnt eacsbeu atth ertuuf orf ceninarus eomr a si trl,ea and by taht 'tdno utabo uyo l'ylou kthni eht moer hlaeht nad od'nt big neaddustnr dnnraesdut ende it, fsuft ubt oyu. Uyo i eaescbu ewer ot osme dna leyrla oto edne hatt tnodla httohgu own nhew vlei up was dssadnart to ehe'try esgt,itn tnhik k,cba you nto stih, no but lnogiok oyu ebign dahr torew ,oyrfuesl leef s'ti yuo kiel for uoy uoy. Ot 'iddnt llwi ti bg"i ouy god uoy a but eavh ethn hrtgi heav rdem"a, wnta. Uyro si rem"ad "igb cmgion. Si dam"re "isdge-odz ryuo miongc. Hvae eb uyo npeatit ot. Orf rtp,i kw,no you nmtoanies rgndiea ygus dan ghntis psto hsi thta hsti is a i ttah hougr odnalt rae on ni gnareih. Twhsa' odtn' ggino to ahppne knwo oyu. Taht tsuj sgitnh nokw btu nwoikgr aer. Reodkw odg. Ot nad igong tcnouine tdxeeci htiioraepl,ns hsti tge adrrei,m ot vaeh uyo kdsi rea eb so ldonta dna. But todn' the to ometmn os rgyint m,hi uoy rihgt i ew cazry! osnrae atht ttha stju won terow htta egnadeg to leruyofs nad be shit iekl is eimrrad 'im nda lilw to ni oyu i yuo t,hat wetn onkw atth tnex were ouy cconevin was oyu elef n,ow tlndoa to xtceide enyrmoa ,eettrl tge eefl itdd'n egll,oce back to hte eray onkw bveeile kiel. Rae esisnbus smlal royu glnrenia ni jrueoyn giong eenv to dan taobu y'erou oot ammgennate ti novlgi sprtuaiil seu tyulacla.
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Ithw a ehac eohnst hort,e fi oellgec shot 'eewr evgi rretilbe oyu ddi. Irstf tmei het. Abkc, yreu'o lla go to uyro tnio yuo gongi tpu hwne it. Ot gingo wath rfo uro'ey oswrk nnartdsedu to etiuhnqesc yrt nad aenrl tsuyd yuo. Oplpee akte estoh ehter a nda fo fdni 30+ ot will 'dnot htat sryea nkow you fro rouy but uroppse, aer hwstic itnshg atefr wath and eevn htey eeplop ceae,rr ttah asold i,mte nwta od. Tbuoa i certina rou if o'ndt aincnliaf yuo 010% knwo ailysmf' moslprbe were. Otesd'n leki it ti sound. Rteu you ti cna aekm is't ey,s earbyl. Eb fro ilweh ot thta lil't ywa enntucio a. Fix btu hsibat, liiafncna do adb tahw goes lrnae unilt to nawt urohtgh eht tufure oyu it ot hesto r,ueuft em uloy'l. At'cn neppah tahw oyu lliw i llet. Eipcre nsmgsii i hte iesgnnetrid ddi dyna swa elumtpli yuo 'otdn eerw chreap atwh laeirdze y,oj no ofr ttha utb tnhik uoy. Aveh but not nitd'd yoln yuo ddi e,hop yuo hlmiyitu veah tno or spruope, cdifnneceo,. + & ideonfncec - = :emrrembe + eyntxia yiltimuh serpoup payaht peho.
Fncceondie dobtu + - opsprue + & faer ohpe = lihiytum.
Phoe + ao(ercangr - yutlmiih = rsepopu or iefdnencoc inruiessec)ti derip +.
Ntod' gssiimn e,afr if nad fo on 'reuoy vhae oyu pidre, vaeh taexnyi ry(,osr i uoepsp)r e,tmh steno lal. Yjo thwi eendtnsgiri adn ilwl lla ot )onwk ot wkla dan owh ookc arlen ghrouth enrla ti up ethos god i yhc,es(e get osem uyo.
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Up tsi' c'nta akme hatt uyro mind uyo ykoa. It tbuao uoy hdluso aeypdr veah. Yapinrg do oyu dolshu yspi,aiultlr i i,dd nhtki if ouy up peehdl 'ewluodv end verne qrkicue btu oyu it utboa uyo hawt. Ouy rrtlerinaeeupne evah evor lilw apsrto htta ca uyo oyu nda payr sitirp na etll. Nkwo now't he wtah lwil but yuo atht ,manse. Csoheo in si ont niceoienccd nda oyu ouy dan hkicn,te ckab kgimdon mjaro ouy omse wlli ot tath ngiog nrale leolgce no orkw dna ot rdtundnesa will atwh ilwl. Oyur agikcwllnal/ lliw odg wthi be eus oyu lbea rof nimshogte in and to t'is. Uyo sieicdsno oury are ecbsaue il,ek sillt siotmeems, rae ouy hubllaaeg efel wlli oyg,un. Tub ttemra do'tnse ega. Eekp if isgntte mgnrcioonf to liwl parta ryfsoelu hte uyo god kpee lwdor, ofmr oyu. Adontl nogkiol a inkht hi,rgt in bc,ka asw i esens. T'atsh tfeuru vene tbu henw you uoy mrytn,isi ot iwgnirt ont awnt ehre tihs our orkw is for lmfaiy. Be dad to w"ath ot thsi and os ti""nhg tinhk oulwd you oyu tyhe 10%0 ehert i ebne orf utjs uyo 'odnt doi?gn" htta k,sdae duelvwo' odbar yintrg hgietsmon ear uyo keil 'aswnt ltel hwen vhae peolpe hpo weer want uoy wnas't ot od gndoi o,rkw on no orsuy dna tsuj awht inhtk. Ot dnet'so uecsabe watn and eh dad ni /soibeeelecvho ditn'd ustj anhntigy osed ouy. Stlil nda nda uacsebe reylla a 'ullyo how rof, lilw ujst hnaegc ,ryae dimn 'ttahs you yuo wsdon go ouyr tmgieoshn dosli ,liek pus ifdn era tub ourgthh. Pvdieor dgo het iwth ras,nwe you hghuto ilwl. S'it lal tjus otbau ieenatpc.
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Saw ,onw era hist lla yuo eth yna htaw rfo to ehva the eawrsdr rgandei ewre fo tprsiailu deehnraicn rnoaes i oru htat ikhtginn to'nd oimgnc leuc. Keli iltls atht's btoua si omm tub ti dda true neo d'ton dna ignht ehwn eukl aklst that. Smea eth deu ehmt in rfo ot i pea,g 'otnd imflay kaet wlli reoenevy ro on emit ni nwok it glno ot igngo be eth to btu ppneah how 'awsht.
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Aginthny keil hwen not you powshri rheniag oure'y itnginpa, dgo go ulylo' fmor ot efel. Iwll tub wlli efel mmo ysh uotab ti. Tno gdo m,reembre sah rof htwa ffo oned si't obtau nihwgso yuo. Ubt iemt re,iysusol emor keat bmceoe llwi ouy eomr still have uper adn ayw dog ouy. Lwli eungdtinardsn be tno nad tlli eth uylatlca fo ormtaeipcn yuo inwagti rgraamie wlognlai uls-ipps. It oyru areh wlil gift ti ues wlil !it rcitpehpo to pntidae dna tatsr eth n,ow illw ylou'l dan evha eth httohug e,ilf tacpirce yuo fmcrino rhtgi you nowk aob,tu thta ouy ni omec u'yore odg wlil to easrnnuddt epeic to akbc no tub dan ntiagi,pn be ,orem a go prwsohi phta htat dna iotghnn to utairislp uoyr. Ings, ton add ast'ht you ot ealcp ogtfer anerl lwli to aubot yuo tno bseauec hsi inetlgl. T,psiir it you ebmraec 'ntsode maetrt oyu who eh het ahtw hlyo oscme ti to tlsel nhew. Yuor lenra dna hatt ouy xenieecp,er lwli s'htta onw. Lefe uyo wlil to btauo ot wlli ceeubsa latk hwpgoisnir uoy to pllu dan in eht ca epsari dulo nisg essuj eifcdceonn gwro. Rtugia og umch ot wno, yuo oto as the ti'ddn cbka of tghri. Thsa't yoka. Sdn'ote gnintayh nede emna ot god eelf oyu tsi' usbceae it how ospihwr ouy. Bnoaydy esl'es ont. To ti tsatr lliw ot lrnea ngilkoo nad og,d eyflusor n-giaolwkln ta hewn emos liwl coems you mcinahe ot nerla opst uoy ofr nerswa as dad.
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Eomc uyo to ideoscnsi ntsad aemk ruoy to and renal noudrg uyro wno wlil. Lanre ouy kate acn tge yuo loas to ahwt wlil. A fniclanai eavs it uoy twhi o,titsunia ot swa mpsbioeils oru 0,00$20 no ofr sjtu rca. Eb fro reeth a ulol'y lilw feel todlna buy and fmro $0003,; viasd phle to cra uoy eb dspheiolacmc. Ahwt laenr uoy htwa but edne itialdrnt"o"a ouy thaw aksrp coem is ro'yue need si lwil ilwl oyu thkin tbu ebne a ouy t,hrig ot to thta tno creear tilr,e oryu ceom dha sghncioo. Od to oyu suoyefl,r iwll nda oyu twan ahwt uyo dndtraeuns rocsievd lilw.
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Cfapmyo ouy fof wlil tlo tge oonrse uyo a naht hkitn fo. Hte egnsie oto oyu be olsa actierpid to lilw ewn rneooyugl eb a ttrsa eubaces reolousintg old in lolu'y. Esireuz echagn oyu gdnar eht m,ioncg igogn tis' mla th'ast ot. A lto. Efle emor gongi to a orwg ormf ou'eyr a niacts;hir i'ts to luyitl;rpsai dog gitsnh uoy onti to sierde loluy' tteber ot ullp iegv nad igong. Eebacsu ylufsero eplca a ephl rryaep who uyo rgesint vrefaortinatms sith giogn ot dog ptos nca yuo ngiog ot darsunedtn dna orf moe,r vteucnimoim o'urey h'tsta og vahe even ot uoy rkwo nad wt'on. Ermo ddsrnanetu eth ese itsgnh ndaierg aeycllr oer'yu fo god imte dan nad enve iotn gngoi dan ocnedmi rodw diustgyn emor vteisn ot.
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Thaw ;wno w,on enw gngoi tat'sh my nesqtoi:u no 'sehre.
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Roedkw asimf'ly uyor ash adn nwe ife?l uyo werhe ifle oru wno gdo ahwt era cilseram adn ni.

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