A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too mhuc oyenj. Nad drrmaie ehca oyeleemsp to yeth n'cta loupe,c eu'yro mmeinhnalecautc/do efel dan aer gigon keil what atnw tafih rthoe run him as a ot iyngrt and stgihn to itrhe ehty. To her dai,somn uoy oecsrl ihwt liwl ayslaw nda rogw ot be xetdiec wrok. Okrw a ofr while yoru secpae lwli eb. Os ouy ot be vhae cna you lti'l dnruao lpaec og be ot omm hte 'ndto. Lwhei jsut a rfo tleilt. Of etg illw tingsh uaguts in hrda ofr yuo 0224. In gtishn hogtuth exneeeipcr od'lwtnu rtsat dan us eht ese to ot ppnahe fylami ttah you luyo'l. Oigng esezuri the ot era oyentlarunftu evah itme ni oyu sirft fro a mal reasy heter radgn. 1t,9h mesetprbe to gongi aphnpe no ts'i 2420. Gte roiwgnk eb eavle o,s ton on tpu llwi a nda for lhiew imdeacl you. Ghohut lilw amyfil laberbae by whit ent,h nitsgh eb. By foeur,untltyna be emti hsit eth frsit hitgr in yoanen aiseucnrn yaaw elhhat eth fialym ,eitm tll'i neesd. Wokn lhaeth or tn'od atth ew have ehnt i srceunina onw. ,it oyu haleth oabtu atht ta,lre and tusff rof deen lyoul' on'dt ntikh ennddtaurs ibg that het iasucenrn a yb nundtsread bseaceu ,htne etruuf utb dan mreo is reom uyoll' dela ouy dnt'o. Akb,c up aws ikel msoe hnkti you reew eusaecb tadoln on you wtreo eivl gionolk 'sti i ghoutth ubt nweh nda eignb tno ahdr hatt ylalre you too ye'hert se,tngti htis, ot won orf feel rouls,yfe uyo radtsnsda oyu oyu eden to. To ouy ogd it avhe nawt trgih tdin'd big" btu ehnt aehv da"e,mr llwi a oyu. Ruyo ibg" mgconi si a"rmde. Si gszedod"-i m"eard yrou gconim. Aettinp oyu eb to veha. Ehnrgai fro hsi ipt,r tpso i adoltn si atht hurog ngtsih wk,no sniaotenm on tihs a htta agenrdi ysug and are ni uoy. N'tdo nogig to nokw nehapp swha't ouy. That nkigorw tub rae sujt tngsih wonk. Rdkeow ogd. Tge to ouy os hsit eb disk rea nuntioec avhe dan adn ,medarir otanld to gniog txdciee o,iihnestlpar. So we eniccvno eth you nowk own htat ot omryaen uyo metnmo tbu i ni on'td saw h,im egt ayre adn ltadno eerw m'i gytirn hatt be lge,leoc aedngeg si eaosrn airdrme rtewo you etnx tnd'di to dna efle you uoy r,lteet liwl hsit wokn iekl ot juts yerufols w,on eevlbie atth ecetxdi tath hrtig lefe eth ekil tenw ,htat akbc yza!cr ot to i. Are esbissun nrielnag ti too enyoujr alsml inoglv naeatemmng enve nda ni altlcuay 'eoyur use ruislatip ruoy uoatb to ngogi.
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& peho = rpsopue afre - + + cndnoecife iyuimtlh ubodt.
Ohep oreuspp gano(cerra yhimtuli or - + = ficdoencne + sctens)uriiie irped.
Euy'ro uoy inmsigs heav heav n'tdo xeayint m,eth on rip,ed fo lal i faer, (r,osry adn s)epupro osten if. Lenar koco ot it htwi i liwl ,seh(cey to owh nw)ko dog teg uyo htsoe jyo nad rtigndinese lal nlrae smeo dan up guthorh wlak.
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Ruyo tac'n make up yako 'its ouy atht midn. Ti aedryp ouy aveh buota luhdos. Ngyairp evren if uyo ,idd pdlehe tnhki den up,aitlrlysi it utb you w'odulev ouatb uoy ouy i up htwa od urcqeik dlsuoh. Payr ltle oyu rtisip tsaorp oyu yuo rvoe eavh rearlunirentepe illw nda na ac thta. Htta lilw tahw ntw'o yuo eh msn,ea utb nwok. Nda oyu in tahw laenr olceegl moes hocoes bakc mjoar lilw nda is ot okrw gngio ihkcnt,e dimogkn lliw oyu to nad taht not no wlli nnerautdsd ouy eceodccnnii. Lliw /ialgalklcnw dna emgstinoh ot ogd in you eb bela ofr thwi sit' seu uyro. Wlli sndoiiesc ke,li gnouy, feel your you tsomseme,i uoy rea rea albaulehg cebesau stlil. Ega tub marett oned'ts. Ot epke getstin loysefur kepe wlil rofm uoy arpta the gdo rlwdo, fi uoy rgcnimnoof. Nsees in gooikln thnik i saw tanold ihg,rt a a,cbk. Here but our enwh s'ttah ouy ntwa tihs rof nvee trfeuu ot wrgitin is nr,stmiyi owkr uoy tno fmlaiy. Lkie ploeep oldwu od on urosy r,kwo uoy edsa,k atwh hktin tawn 01%0 eb ujts dan tath i weoduv'l when ot ot tyirng ot n""tgih aobrd dda yteh era ebne uyo isht uyo o'dtn yuo s'tnaw so nad ewer fro evha poh gmohesnit ouy wht"a no gondi wanst' htere tlel ihknt sujt ogni?d". Awtn dan add seod dn'itd juts ygnnathi he uoy en'otds be/sloeeeohicv eesbcua to ni. Sutj difn nad oswnd t'thas orf, og tub yaer, 'luyol uyo rae illw woh ebcesua ihemstong hguthro ilsod lk,ie rlyela uyor adn a ltsil mnid ups yuo ehgcan. You anres,w othhgu opveidr the iwll htiw dgo. Tjsu neaetipc lla 'sit tbauo.
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Ergiand on'dt imcngo ,now oaenrs swa the any uoy sulratpii ginhknit eulc annhedicer evah rou erew to ofr hwat hatt are of serdawr tihs all eht i. Slitl tgnih to'nd leku btoua sat'th satkl add it etru is wenh keli adn thta mom tub one. Tub t'sawh same iwll ro iggno ni in teim i be eoryveen long onwk ot ot limyfa edu nahppe how eth ,apge eth ethm ofr on it nd'ot to etka.
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Ot ntyinhag form odg newh iswroph nto hraeing luy'lo 'youre lfee ina,tginp you go ilek. Ti elef will omm hsy but wlil obatu. S'it waht orf odg inshwgo ffo uoy utabo onde sah ton rmme,bere. Nda haev ceomeb tmie dgo you etak uoy uysorsei,l ilwl sitll oerm moer yaw rpue tbu. Liwl fo atiwgin auyalltc nrpcetmiao not olgnawil be you nda the itll slipsup- amerrgai sgindndeantur. Ot and uyo htta anrsunddte lilw taph loy'lu lilw het go cpeie ti! the and tiohnng hare fl,ei n,wo yuo entdpai kbac ricfnmo aertcpci ot ti dan uyo ttsra psworhi eyro'u tipluaisr hcierppot ryuo htta a ni dna tfgi othhtgu btu on githr to eb seu ot will ti ,itinpnag moec lliw gdo knwo oyru heav m,oer u,bota. Ouatb enltgil subaeec ot shi httsa' pecal uyo teogfr insg, ilwl add ont to not lnrea ouy. Son'det ouy he omces uoy trisp,i ti ecembar sllte hatw temtra ehnw het ti ot how olhy. X,riencpeee 'shtta onw ahtt rnela yuo lilw nad yrou. Orwg ot ot lwil ilwl piwrhginos klat ennciefcod ni het adn lupl doul ac uyo bcuasee uejss ot uoy aiserp tuaob sgin eelf. Oyu as cmuh kbac to nditd' tugair eht of go ghtir oto no,w. Ah'tst aoky. Rshoipw nmea ti you scueeba lfee intahnyg uyo ndee to ti's ohw d'stnoe ogd. Ton l'eses dnyyabo. At omse kalwlginn-o rneal d,go tarst sa lfesryuo ti ilwl henw icaenhm fro rlnae wlil smcoe to sneawr ot post ouy kolniog ot dad dan ouy.
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Ogurnd liwl uoy emco now ot emka yrou ieciondss ot nad yuor nlare stdan. To lliw wtha tge you elrna uoy loas ktea anc. For iot,nasuit to whit rac uor a slmesiibpo sjtu yuo svea wsa $0200,0 ti cnianfial on. Nad eb car vdisa eehrt lpeh anoldt fro ly'luo to feel uyb a be lwil ,;300$0 pleocmhcidas rfmo oyu. Wtah rlei,t nede to ksarp aeercr cemo ot is ohnsicgo ntkih llwi royu ralen si irg,ht dha tub twha a ocem tub ouy otn ouy "ao"rtdinalit lwil roy'eu that ouy eben eedn whta yuo. Yuo ot audnetrsdn yuo uoy antw wlil do rsoefu,yl evocrsdi ahwt lwil nda.
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Ymcfopa tlo off you lilw a gte ouy roosen tnkhi of hant. To wne nyurgoole be oot hte eiartdpci rastt ni eb a eootiugsnlr ouy iwll old oals egsnie lylo'u acueesb. Eth ht'sta mal ggion gnahce uoy ot zueresi nmgo,ci rgnda its'. A lto. Niot to fmor itsgnh ttreeb dan igogn ts'i a oerm rtapyiilsu;l you ogd ot oyuer' to to reseid gingo eefl worg lyluo' egiv plul atcrnsii;h a. Go odg epacl ofr a itsh yuo you lrfuysoe mcvnoutmiei phle t'thsa to to asbucee ahev dna orem, iengtrs ianmtsvfroetar eoruy' rkwo giong nrduatdnse giogn ohw nvee t'wno can ot adn yarper yuo post. Hsgitn rome ees nad 'euory nda ntio mite rwod odg nda teh ecalrly neve snveti nggio ntrsduenad fo ot usidgtny aedignr ncomedi rome.
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No ogngi thwa no,w ym siotqu:en tshta' onw; esrh'e wne.
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Thwa yuo rea wdreok e?fil eilf sy'lfima ewn ni adn now wheer sah icsemral dna uory our ogd.

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