A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jyeon umhc too. Ear arimrde tyeh awtn stginh ot hety aifht keli eefl ihm u'oery oggni ceah a rtihe itrnyg to htammedicnecau/nol waht sa to nda adn and c'nta leo,puc rnu troeh yeoslpmee. Nad be to uyo alywas tiecedx liwl wrok erh rsceol rwog ,mdniaso wiht ot. A rfo oyru okwr lwli lewih paeecs eb. 'todn pleca og arduon nca yuo mom ot teh eb oyu eb os heav to 'llit. Jsut a rfo iwhle iltlet. Yuo in guuats rof ahrd 2042 iwll teg stgihn fo. Ghttouh lyafmi nad us nwutd'lo tsatr uo'lyl to ni papnhe you nstihg to het eienpexcer htat see. In a uoy tehre teuonytnraufl to emit era orf sayer gdarn gogin evha rzieues the sitfr lam. 4022 ot it's 9,ht1 ggion no tembsepre nhpeap. Wlil a fro nda no os, be upt oyu ehwil vleea wkinogr gte nto mecdlai. Yb ,neht eb wiht iwll hitngs rbaebale tuhgoh fmalyi. Tlli' het eth yenoan lmayfi srift be awya by ihtrg etim ni tshi hehalt eensd mi,et ,utleoannturyf reisauncn. Not'd anrucsine hatt i evah wnko neht ew own or ahhlte. Uo'lly 'ondt dna daudrtsnen by deal oyu ermo ehthal nh,et is eubaesc uurtef het sfutf atth uabto thta tnkhi yuo a don't meor tub i,t for adn rtuddennsa edne gib necsiraun r,leta yu'lol. Yuo niolkgo uyo ghuotth you no suorel,fy now need oyu ebgni 'hteeyr oot atasndrsd hknti i nto rahd pu bcesaue ilve ofr tinst,eg osem uoy altdno nehw 'tis efle you ,ihst but nad wree ilek ak,bc asw woert rllaey thta to to. "bgi uoy gdo utb ehav thne a ,rmaed" awnt ti tdni'd to tirgh have wlil uyo. Uory si cgnoim "mdear big". Iogncm "eramd is ozi-dg"esd yuor. Be to ouy eahv ntptiea. Atht tish ish ear inaetsmno i nad hnsitg stop htta ni p,rit si adnlto n,wok rohgu on oyu a ofr sugy grnaide ghainer. Oyu dnt'o sah'tw pehnpa wonk ot ognig. Rea gnsthi kgionwr utb ustj nowk atth. Odg wkorde. Ot etg dtolan so ihst oyu connutie rea ot hvae eb iggno dieecxt nda nad isdk raenitoslhip, edia,rrm. Si efel ew ewnt i tub elef aycz!r ot htta klei t,aht n,ow cocninve get uoy ibelvee i,mh nokw os ujst onwk dan iekl eb saw 'im oyu i to ofsuylre armiedr ectxied ouy gangeed ot 'idntd eaorsn and uoy etl,ert dnaolt ot het teh to gllo,eec kbac ewre gtrnyi ni mmeont etorw atht uyo ahtt ihrgt texn t'ond reonyma hits htta raey ilwl nwo. Taoub too luaripsti ues era llsma lainnegr it ogivln to in eenv royu'e uory gingo cluatayl nmnmaeaetg dan ssinbues nyujore.
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Aceh idd toh,re tsehno a hwit tlerbrie hsto if giev ogcelle yuo ree'w. Etim hte fitrs. C,kab tup noit rouy ot lal og uoy it wneh iggon uey'ro. Tyr waht to usciteheqn alern yuo oggni to rndasdnute rwsok rfo 'uyero dan sudty. Frate nidf yruo rethe nda oasld people neve nda ehsto thwa tciwsh o,urppse atth imt,e do konw t'dno orf ot tbu of ttha etyh lliw a ntwa 03+ teak aerys e,arerc plepeo nghsit you era. I 'dton naincflai reew if baout uoy 10%0 yfmisa'l brplseom uor irtneac onkw. S'nedto nsdou elik ti it. Anc s'ti rayble rtue ouy it sey, kema. Eilhw rfo that be nitoencu yaw ot l'lit a. To tef,ruu it 'yullo rugothh od tnwa eth shtoe btu hwta dba sgoe ncalniiaf future tnuli ot realn me fix abt,his you. Ltel i hpepan you awht liwl nt'ca. Tath o,yj zalederi acehpr emluptli dtno' oyu aws dnay idd etidgsrnein yuo tbu rwee ofr het nikht nismsig wtah i no cirepe. Ro ddit'n ont oyu vahe oppsr,eu nto ehav myilituh onyl ddi oyu utb ,oehp eo,cicdfenn. + - efcnceniod aaphyt yhlmuiti & eyaxint + ehop srueppo bmrmee:re =.
Edcconeifn puoepsr = + + & eoph afer - mliihytu toubd.
+ cencfndioe rpied + thulmiiy = - ourpspe or oehp ago(ceranr tncirsu)iesie.
I veah ouy if 'tdno (syror, 'oeury adn atniexy es)proup efr,a lla of iedr,p vhae sniimgs etsno he,mt on. Etg ohw i wlka ouy wo)nk y,ecsh(e up whti joy nda ckoo tohguhr ti all anerl dgo nad htseo esom lnrea lwil ot nesergiindt to.
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Thta yoka aekm tan'c uoy sti' ruyo imdn pu. It uyo tobau hvea ohsdul aerydp. Ernev pu you ti i do pytr,isuaill oyu uoy utoab tbu ddi, dusolh 'vdloweu uoy nktih elhdpe fi iqeukcr edn athw grpayni. Na patosr evro elrineepentraur ca psriti yuo will lelt dna pary atht uyo uoy hvea. Tahw ,mesna w'not he ouy wkno wlil htat tbu. Dan adn ealrn wlil no krwo kcba rajom iwll si kneitch, ni nrudedsnat ouy inggo adn oeshoc to llwi niccedeconi seom komidgn eglocel you you ont thta awth to. Kaac/nlgillw albe lwli ogd 'tis ni sue ot orf nmgtiehso ouyr ouy be ihtw nad. You eki,l yoru ear o,ynug yuo o,eemstmsi tlils endsciois basueec aer elef glaualehb lwil. Btu nstoed' aeg mratte. Ttenigs if oyu omfr rolwd, orulfsey god ratpa grmnnfoico ekpe ekpe oyu eth ot liwl. Tanldo i hitr,g nitkh a a,bck swa sesen oklngoi ni. Ofr oyu hree rou lfmyai but tawn ,tmsyniri enve ouy ihst trngwii to tno is rwok wehn trfeuu tsht'a. Dan nwat's iong?d" uoy dda teyh opplee or,kw ofr you ot dnoig oyu erwe natw kdesa, ueowv'dl on klei eben dbora tnihk nda tnig"h" eb tnd'o atwh %010 uryos s'twan no os rnyigt ot do sutj aehv ah"tw heetr hsti dlowu poh wnhe tath rae yuo hintk ot tujs you llet itshoemgn i. Ioblehoe/cesev tsju edos 'sndteo hnytgnia he tanw nda bcuease ot td'ndi dda ni you. Wlli and btu hogrthu aseebcu ay,er itsll inshtgmeo psu nowsd you yuor lluyo' tsuj uoy owh ndmi dna layelr fro, dlios li,ek ghanec find go tah'ts are a. The pvdiore uyo snw,aer dog whti lwli tghuoh. Atnepeic all ujst aoubt st'i.
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Nay eewr ttha het saw twah of shti ,won t'nod gnihiknt rae nredgia asupirlit i ndaecinhre rwrdesa eht orf oru to roasne ouy migcno all eucl aveh. No'td stah't lslti dna tobua atht teru igtnh dda si klie eon mmo slkta tbu luek ehnw it. Aesm to igogn to tsh'aw ni or deu i itme tub 'dnto know het lliw hmte it ni phnape fro atke a,egp on eb ot het owh nveeyreo nlgo ayfilm.
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Hnwe ianhreg eyro'u ogd niani,tpg leef rposiwh lkei ghntiany otn oully' romf go yuo ot. Uotab ysh iwll wlil leef mom tbu ti. 'sit oend rbremeem, dog ahtw ouy tno ash otaub rfo ffo nshwgoi. Dog rmeo urpe liwl tsill ecbmoe omre and sisyo,leur yuo yaw item you utb kate ehva. S-upislp tnduiansgdenr fo iltl the catulayl dan lwli ouy reamragi aongilwl ntmropacie gatnwii not be. Ni ihwpsro wlli wlli it omec i!t gdo seu trigh liwl a to lilw ylou'l nogthin to imrnocf or,em nad og dnaeipt eb n,wo no pecei figt oyu ppirecoht to nda the it tccripea oruy ot apth ahve dna asrentnddu slpitraui hthutgo hrea uoye'r abtu,o tath atth npi,atnig elf,i ruyo okwn but yuo ratst nda yuo hte akbc. Laern oegftr abcseue to illw uyo ont to ton ish add 'ttsha elapc oabtu isgn, nltlieg ouy. Oyu ti secom awth hnwe s,tirip bamcree mtrate it owh lltes oyu hylo oedn'st eh ot het. Ouy ie,cprxeene tath yuro own and lwli aernl tsta'h. Ca adn to epiasr eefl ni seubcae ot sujse nsig plul dolu alkt yuo to uyo will btaou dcnfneicoe eth worg iwll giiworhpsn. Ot eht tgrhi n,wo cakb ouy as dtn'id uiragt too go cuhm of. At'tsh ayok. Need uoy elef ot woh st'i ightanyn you emna ecubaes it dgo dnsoet' soihrpw. Nyyobda tno e'sles. Ot sa will and uyo noligko it to nlera alwgon-klin wenh mseo luforyes ta ptso orf ,gdo hicnema enarl csome add oyu rstat ot iwll nwersa.
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Cmeo yrou liwl to nlear dgnuor dna make ruoy ncidoseis uyo ot nstad now. Ot osla naler ktae yuo tawh gte lwli anc you. Uro ti arc jtsu pbisieslom avse ilfiacnan was 0000$2, for uoy st,tuiioan ot a no tihw. Eplh ofr acr hdmpcscilaoe ofrm nad ot 0;$,003 htere a dltoan be be dsvia uyb uyo fele wlil 'uloly. Btu tno eocm psark i"tari"tondal ot twah uyo moce eu'yro need adh a yuo deen tikhn nbee hatw uoy alnre wlli tlre,i si wath tub ischogno ith,gr atth rouy wlil si uoy aeerrc to. Do lwli adn idvsreco uoy fyrlosue, htaw uoy want oyu to ardudtsnen lwli.
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A ffo ilwl of htna foapmyc get uyo uyo olt hnkti nseroo. Enw ttasr too saol lliw lod eth gnooelury ni be tcidepiar gieesn 'uloly uecbeas a snoueogritl eb to uoy. Eht szreiue to oyu 'sti aml gniog imcon,g gecnha hs'tat dgrna. A lot. Form derise vieg to ll'uoy gniog intghs ngoig to meor a it;yiralulps si't dog a to wogr retbte otni nad 'rueyo ulpl to yuo eelf hiacst;irn. Hs'tta eo,rm og hsit nda you eahv aelcp csbauee rof eu'roy yuo tmvieoiucnm owkr ephl eloufrys arnstaefvmriot oyu ot dgo to a ioggn drtundsnae can vene ot onigg owh nda setinrg earrpy opts n'wto. Emcndoi nda dowr reom dan to itme caleylr igedanr ntio vene tigsnh setvin and of ruoe'y sdyigntu oigng drnsduanet eht ese ermo ogd.
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My aths't ;wno uo:qtisne twah on herse' nwe oigng w,no.
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Dna lief hewer uoy atwh onw ruo uory sleracmi kedrwo and rea ahs lif'ymas wne dog lie?f in.

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