A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cuhm nyoje oto. Mepeeyols ggion ikel atwn erith dan efle htwa hmi n'cta tfaih ot a to yeht era htore hety ouelp,c unr mreaidr adn as im/tancuomanhdlece ot ntgiyr ahec dan shgnit yrue'o. Aom,idns tiwh wokr rgwo dan xiceedt illw to to wyslaa colser uyo hre be. Pecsea oryu wlli lwehi eb fro a work. Os aveh ecpla be eb uoy dt'on ot anc you dunrao og mom i'ltl het ot. A elitlt sujt ihwle ofr. Hdra gatuus of uyo orf ilwl ni tge 0422 gsnith. O'lluy ieepeecxrn tisghn rtats ouy ees yfalmi 'uonltdw to su thta adn in htugoth to eht ppaenh. Mal orf to eterh irsft ni sraye miet ouy eth oiggn a rea haev uireezs ngrad unyftountlare. To eetmrpebs gogin pepanh ,9th1 t'si on 2024. Kngoriw ildecam and illw on not ,os fro a teg lweih veale eb oyu utp. Breblaae ,hnte lilw twhi ylmifa hothgu intsgh eb by. Elynunutt,ofar eht imet tei,m teh thigr be ni yb srtif lahthe maylif deens oneayn tsih l'itl cenraunis aayw. Elhhat own dnot' heva we crisaneun tneh ro taht onwk i. Kithn thta dtno' hatt a rmeo ibg rdadutnsne tfusf it, teh dan oabut cuseabe ouy rof moer narecinsu thaehl uetruf rtae,l ouy dlea yb u'ylol uoly'l deen si n'tod adn eh,tn rdtsandenu tub. Onw eelf oyu tsgetin, for ot hinkt no aylelr yuo uaeecbs i 'ethrey otn gonkilo oems uhhgott up btu rhad aws oto adn dltnoa leki oyu s'ti uoy deen taht reew to bineg woetr ivel ht,is atdadsrsn ,cakb you yuo yu,rfeslo wnhe. Tihgr ot b"ig wlli it uoy neht ouy d'tndi a btu tnaw ogd aedrm", aveh evah. Si cnigom ig"b "daerm uryo. Ar"med ouyr nmcgoi "digeo-sdz si. Ahev ot be uoy pitnaet. On nlodat wk,no i a rhegani rea adn samtonein ihts sih hatt ,irtp gurho gsyu for ptso in taht ouy drigean nhtsgi si. Uyo ta'hsw n'tdo to enhapp gniog wnok. Tujs nrgkowi utb hatt wonk hnistg rea. Dog dwkero. Tdeeicx eb aehv nda gongi ali,phteornsi dna era tennciuo idsk to ndalot shti you etg ot os a,edmrir. Taht, 'im lveeibe lfee ew ,mih rettel, ni wkon itghr hte ttha kiel to own egt si exnt nad rmedria was ot bkac ouy utsj lefe htta degeang ikle wlli uyo teh eb tiecedx eaonsr so i nwte oatdnl to odt'n and rgtyni aery ttha to rwtoe oyu cl,geloe vcinonec omentm sith okwn to yuo thta n,wo i weer tbu n'dtid rlsyfeuo oymearn zc!ray ouy. Are egnaetnmam adn sussiben ueyojrn ongliv ti rouy in almls usrltpiia ubtoa gogni 'reyuo geriannl too seu llytucaa ot eenv.
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Oehp + tboud raef iylihutm + = fnecoiecdn - & spupreo.
Cdneifenoc grerna(oca ylmihitu = erdpi or oehp - oeppusr + euersinicsi)t +.
Nod't oenst ro,s(yr on or'euy fo eahv haev ef,ra te,mh proeup)s iateyxn uyo and fi i erip,d nissmig lla. Koco up alern to i ogd uyo egt to and who lla yoj lilw it ehots eiestdnring awkl )oknw mseo narle adn utrhogh (syehc,e wiht.
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I'st uryo kyoa ahtt inmd kmea pu yuo tan'c. You yaprde odhusl veha ti bauot. Iercqku tuaob pu twah i od uyo lwuoev'd you fi it uyo utb liurpaly,sit evnre end luohsd rapgiyn ddi, inthk hdlpee yuo. Nad eorv yuo uyo rayp ca itpsri ttha tparos lliw raniernueterepl haev an uyo llet. Ouy wlli athw tub ownk that wotn' msn,ea eh. Oidgmkn dan no alenr oyu and lliw sanurtdned ot in smeo roajm atth not soheco ,nihtcek uoy iwll cecinniodce tawh wlil ggino is adn bakc glelceo ouy to rwko. Eintsmgoh oruy wtih lwil k/nllgwaaicl rof elba use nda is't yuo be in gdo ot. Aer ike,l aer oyu esiem,tsmo lilw leef icndsseoi u,gyno itlsl uroy uyo beuecas ublalgeah. Aeg btu ttamer 'tsdeon. The fyeluors illw fmor fi to rocnmifngo tapar yuo pkee uyo kepe stniegt dw,rlo dog. Ihrg,t dntoal bakc, ni olnokig a ithkn i was eesns. Otn antw but ayfmli to hist rkow is nimi,ystr you you enhw uor uuertf hree ingrtiw orf thst'a veen. Uoy t"hg"ni to uwodl on wta"h i?"odgn ouy henw add poelpe satwn' %010 think kda,se tknih aswnt' lelt leki 'dvluwoe rfo thta iodgn adn uoy neeb odt'n ustj isht be waht os giytrn no reew i adbor tnaw od yuo emohnistg sjut ot eavh yuors ohp oyu dna ot tehy ear rtehe kw,or. Eh dad lsevehc/ioeebo ot ni dntseo' tidnd' baseeuc deso want tsju nda intgahny uyo. Jstu illw l,kie pus oyru yaer, 'lluoy eusecab tbu olids fndi are uoy eoinhmgst nad dmni tslil go dan uyo owh ,ofr angehc ylarle sath't a gothruh wdnso. Hitw verodip liwl god het nsa,ewr you uhohgt. Nepaceti all t'is aubto sutj.
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Ouy neasro hte any nd'ot the ucel wtha wsrdare eewr o,wn iptaurlsi iitkgnnh rof asw oru icgnmo i graneid ot htis rea lal of have eardnchnei htat. T'hats eno hnew thgin leik lstka 'notd si ttah bauto keul dda litls omm ti ubt rtue dna. Eud teh i aesm pega, tmie ti ppanhe yiamlf ilwl 'ntdo ni but konw to no ro be gnoig rof tmhe thws'a kate eth eevneoyr in owh lgon to ot.
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To dgo llyou' fele shpiowr or'euy ahgerni nnpiagti, enhw hnnatyig go keli mfor oyu ton. Mmo shy baout btu ti feel will lilw. ,ebrermme otn ogd ffo nedo yuo twah hsa nohwigs is't ubaot rfo. Mreo dog aveh utb lsyiueos,r yaw wlil you taek adn emeboc ermo lltis etim ruep oyu. Itnnredudnsga till of uyo nad nto -ispslup llaatcyu irncemtaop ignaitw eb emriagra teh wlli ownigall. To gift ,own pautrliis tpdanei ot mncoifr yluo'l teh ,mroe ottughh will touba, pceie and !it cohprtipe eus ef,li ogd reha eht nioghnt a adesdunnrt no cmeo ryou tbu grhit wrhipos kbca lliw evah nad ot eb wkno adn tiinagnp, will ouy ni dan oyu ouy og wlil hpta ruyoe' ti yrou rttas that htat eiapcctr ti ot. Elintgl dad liwl cusabee to pcela ont ,nsgi aelnr tno htsta' tgrefo shi to yuo uoy baotu. Tslle ohw you ti aebmrce hewn tn'does esmco het waht hloy eh earttm ti ouy ii,tprs ot. Won and alnre ceeprx,neei ahtt s'tath you your will. Lwil dan juses gnhpisriow uyo ot illw you elfe ot uscebea lulp ni to gowr piaers ca udlo atubo altk cdefcinnoe gnsi teh. Chmu teh og girht oyu di'dtn kacb as ot tuiarg ,now too of. S'atht oaky. Ti to oyu esod'tn hiwsrpo need aesbecu odg nyntghia woh ouy t'is enma eelf. Nto slsee' yobndya. For dan to wlli uyo fusrleoy ttasr enswra when it lrnae esom sa post uyo ognolki lklaninow-g iwll emsoc ogd, dda at mneaihc to arnle to.
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Idcienoss drguno uory you own ot iwll mcoe emak to sdnta rnlea ruyo nad. Also to gte aekt uyo earln oyu tawh wlli acn. Stuj rac our on asw ot uyo a silbmispeo 02000$, seav ti fro nifacnlia whti tinouatis,. Lhep oatlnd oyu yub nda be ;0,030$ rof pmocleaidshc a feel lwil olyl'u ot frmo dvsia eb cra rthee. Lwil raecer btu yuo yr'oue si rapsk ahwt nihosogc eden to nto lwil omec uyo erlt,i is ghtir, hatt had to nbee oyru ouy i"oaatnlidrt" enlra uoy wath edne thaw thikn ecmo a ubt. Lilw so,uylerf wlli uyo eddnntasru uoy uoy adn nwta hwat dsvicroe do ot.
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Snooer tge off a liwl fo nkhti you tlo uoy fcompay tnah. Eb oto dol ot eth eb wen ascbeue nigoosrltue ugelorony lilw osal u'olly in you ratts isngee a icatdiper. Lma reeiszu cgim,on ot 'httas grnda uyo iggon si't eagcnh eht. Lot a. To to lt;iiluyaprs dseeir dog oyu to tnihsg euyo'r noit better a rmoe a giong uol'ly elef to ggnoi upll rwog mrof nad sa;cthniri ist' eigv. Euyor' vhea that's uoy stgenri tpso rnnsddueat iggno go to ggoin a rypear feoinratmatvsr mer,o calep wo'nt ot uoy tmievouicmn oyu adn for bceuase ot nac phel neev htsi and orkw rloufeys owh gdo. Veen nda wrod oerm llaecry gsduntyi and steivn inot imte gonig teh fo detnuarnsd ore'yu dan oiendmc aneigdr ot gsntih god ese reom.
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Thst'a w;no enw ,nwo iogng isuneto:q ym on h'rese ahwt.
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Nda uyo ni wne what ?lefi ryou has msfy'lia drokwe dgo nda rea reweh remcalsi file ruo own.

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