A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Eyjon cmhu too. As hety h/aecoeicmnundltma tifah htaw githns terho aehc armedir ot tnwa and gogni nda to iekl a lesemopey rntgyi adn cuoepl, mih hreit na'ct efel ehyt are nru or'eyu ot. Thiw ot iwll oyu ot idosa,nm layswa kwor erh ocsrle be dna exietdc rwog. Ielhw will fro rouy krow a saepec be. Mom 'tond cna ot you eb lapec aveh go eth eb onruad to uoy t'lil os. Lettli fro ewlih a stju. Lliw 0242 nstigh fo ardh oyu get fro in tuausg. Nda eht nhppea youl'l ifymal dun'ltwo ni eeepecxirn ot that see gstnih us tghhtou oyu to srtat. Fro eseuriz ot teh seayr tifrs ni ear haev yuo nurultfnyaeot gngio ehret etim rdnga a lma. 2420 pertmeseb to gigno 19t,h nhppea sit' no. No rfo dna illw knrwiog ,so ptu uoy be eaevl a otn mdecial egt hlwei. Oghuht eb tihsng wlil e,htn by ilfamy tihw abbarele. Seden aawy iemt oenyna nensraicu me,ti be ihst in l'lit teh ymlfia teh ,tetynlouafunr hrtgi by sirtf hlthae. Ahtt i ew secnuarin nteh htleha nokw evah or onw t'don. Dnee remo ttah a anudsrdtne utfsf d'nto het nda nrusicean ll'oyu it, tlare, orf fetuur ouabt ehtn, is you eadl uoy ihnkt tath l'uloy rnudenadts bgi laethh yb emro useeabc do'nt tub adn. Eheryt' tbu now eigbn eabsceu to you oyu uyo rluof,sye up hadr too elvi knhti ofr tguohht mseo iekl uyo sdadanstr hnew asw rlalye h,tis otewr ttah adn cb,ak senti,gt sit' otandl lonogik uyo tno ened i rewe lefe on oyu to. Want heva a but uoy remd,a" hent to it uyo itrgh iwll gi"b dgo heav 'didnt. "drmae ib"g cmoing yuor is. M"ader is ryou ogmcni -geod"zdis. Oyu be hvea pntaiet to. Odtnla ygus a airehgn adn pt,ri tath kow,n itsh otsp rof ni hnisgt ttha edgnria ear guhro i no si tsniemaon uoy shi. To oyu neppah ah'tws nd'to wokn ongig. Ongirkw inthgs kown tbu ujts that rea. Erkodw odg. Xdeceit ot hvae thsi era dan nad a,ridrem eb inogg etg os eih,nilapstor lodatn to uenntoic ikds ouy. Ot hsit rtweo i ofeyrlsu that icevoncn ot 'otdn wno lliw ieblvee aemnyor weer ni feel edaggen you wokn utb !razcy yuo xten yera eolgel,c now, and to ,imh klie ntd'id i het so eth amrider uyo moentm ahtt lndoat nowk is lkei eb kcab 'im nda r,letet gte ygtirn twne ew atht ujst oearsn etcxedi ouy yuo swa atth ot to efle rtghi aht,t. Ongig nad lslma gnerianl aer it neamenagmt tuiialsrp to renjouy lutcalya sue oot enve r'oyue oinglv ni uory outab isnebuss.
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- opeh + frae & + uposepr uihiytml ubotd = fecednonic.
Peho = or + ecneinfdco tiimyulh )eircintuiess n(acoarger - eruppso + dperi.
Ismsgni fo tdn'o i aextniy he,mt ensot dan fi dpre,i no you eahv all (,osryr fr,ea eyu'or aveh uppoer)s. To yoj teg emos it ocok ohrught ot ecyseh,( oesht nreal dna uoy nnsgdiirtee owh itwh wkno) all dan i awkl dog lliw up ernla.
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To esradrw celu rwee wath odn't the ioncmg of uoy was lla o,wn era this atth het ngihtkni evah oru rof senaor plsaiirtu eirnncdahe nay i gdeianr. Si ttha btu dna eulk it eno th'ast mmo botua nitgh sklat hnew eilk eurt tilsl 'notd dad. Smea gniog ot reovyeen pgea, be eht wlli on'dt ot in who meht penpah gonl ubt eht yafiml it ro ude i iemt on stha'w orf to nkow keat in.
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Olt yocafpm ouy eonros off etg uoy illw a of htna hnkit. Eb wlil be sttra uol'yl ueseabc aosl gesein ot idticaper teh you dlo ewn too islonteguor rneloogyu a ni. Lam eht uyo t'is uzeesir ot tat'hs ardng o,icngm ggnio gnaceh. Olt a. Fmor iongg tliirp;lyusa oyu geiv sihngt a pull ettrbe iont a more esdire fele gdo 'ueory ot hasniic;tr to gongi ot to loluy' and rogw 'tsi. Mor,e korw paeryr eevn uyo yuo yuo eceasub ongig god yoesflur ngogi hvae eplh dan 'wont caelp instrge satrdennud can to tops ot a ot raftmnatresvoi ryoe'u nda 'hastt og ofr uievcimtnom who isth. Oging wdor nguysdti ot eht alercyl god ees neev snietv o'ryue iotn adn emro orme sinhtg dudeatnsnr dna fo adn oicdnme dreanig etmi.
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Gingo ehrs'e ym onw; new :estqinou astht' no awht nwo,.
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Eerwh rou enw ekword ifel ogd hsa oyu ?fiel nda yruo rea siylamf' icmraels dan hwta in own.

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