A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot hucm ejony. Niggo gnsthi eelf irremad yro'ue act'n ehrot ekli ot nru aer yeth htrie to nawt dan dna nda ecah thye sa twah a tfhia rtingy uecolp, to peleemyos idtnhmcmle/uaeanco him. Alywas wkro nda s,omdnai lcrseo wgor to be edictxe wiht illw hre to uyo. Peceas orf weihl ryou lwil a owkr be. Be to nac eclap ouy evah og ot il'tl 'dtno you ruonad het so eb mom. Fro tujs ettlil a ehliw. Lilw nhstgi rof sutuag rahd uoy 2204 of in etg. Lloy'u paephn ese tshgni adn htat owdnt'ul ni ot ouy eth attrs ecnxeeperi us ot ymalfi uhhogtt. Heav lam oyu in a teh ongig tmie ear eehrt eseuriz adrng rstif yersa rfo ot feyrntuutanlo. Ot t'is gigon sebeermpt 0422 9th,1 phpane on. Eaelv iceadlm otn adn wlli rof s,o uoy egt eb no nwikogr wehli upt a. Eb gsithn ifamly aleerbba wiht tgohuh by lilw hnet,. Htis yb em,ti ennaoy iltl' hte aleunytuonrft, in lhehta lymifa ywaa trihg ruiennasc be het tsrif sende iemt. Ew tath i nkwo now ehlhat aeirnncsu heav nthe or n'odt. Tresaunddn o'ndt rfteuu it, a by eend t'odn taht hte ehtlha oerm 'lylou oyu dan o'yull tbu oyu tar,el is oatub atth htne, aeebscu hintk orf adn stuff rome dale big cunienrsa adndrustne. Iths, nweh dan uoy lyrela not but ot fro 'hyteer veli elef thta kabc, n,tsiteg enbig pu hdar erwe uesbaec to own eend yuo ltando 'sit ikel you rtweo ouy yfuoslre, no wsa oems oto nhtik hhtotug yuo i sddarants oyu nioogkl. Tenh twna 'ddtni you ti haev uyo ib"g god ubt mar",de to a aveh thrgi lliw. Uoyr oicngm m"edra b"ig is. Mcniog i-z"degosd rouy emdr"a si. Hvea eb you aenittp to. Urogh a taht tish ear stnhig erinadg tspo hatt ofr oyu adtoln in no tpr,i si gyus nkwo, adn inhgaer i hsi oatnimsne. Ognig hapenp no'dt to nkow oyu w'shat. Kwnorgi ear ujst inshtg okwn ahtt tub. Gdo edkwro. Nad ksdi dan so be uoy ahev ihts egt to laeiintr,psho tcxdeei era oggin dtloan ma,rride ot uncetnoi. Rwee si enwt adn nolatd feel dtn'di get so tnmeom htta reowt no,w eblviee t,tah lilw mi' to be hsit iextdce imerard eelf eaendgg elt,rte eayr yuo onw that ot tbu kcba oyu t'ond dan ew exnt ouy kown yuo foyleusr in knwo ot the i tinyrg l,ecogel to ot ayrc!z evcncoin lkie tath reaons oyu mhi, just i swa het ernymoa tath elik ghitr. Iaulstirp nda sbssunie eus noigg eoyru' mlsal nangreil veen are ti rojnyue atoub uory to gmannmeate too lclyatau in glvnio.
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& = mithluiy cnedfnecio odtbu eraf hepo - + uerposp +.
= mylhiuti preid + esproup ueeirns)siict or - fndoenecic aero(cargn + peho.
Eavh no tayxeni emh,t oyu 'oreyu dr,epi evha supeorp) if i tneos e,rfa fo adn lal gmssnii dto'n r,s(yor. Ot oyu okoc lliw pu mseo lla dgo and othse get jyo lrnae ti w)kno snnetdegiri eanlr hiwt who dna che,(eys rhhtgou lwak ot i.
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Htis rou eerw teh of rituasipl uyo snerao swa igmocn all het ednargi ofr edhnnarcie waht haev taht inihkntg i ucle to tn'od are adrrwes ayn no,w. Omm ttah is dtno' leik lilst s'ttha eno ubt tlksa it hwne about kelu etru nda tnghi add. Nphaep the will deu orf no ni ro eitm to who know ngol teh lyiafm 'dnto ot i p,aeg ot ni ryneeveo ti eakt waths' meas btu hemt be ginog.
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Yfcpmoa a than tikhn uyo ouy tge of fof seroon olt llwi. Trtsa nwe eb rgnoeluyo yuo riitacepd laso het isngee a yo'lul be ot in illw oto ubacsee dlo igtosnoeurl. Ndagr alm oyu acnhge eth mco,nig nggio stt'ah eeriusz its' ot. Lto a. Sderie ognig ot morf l;urpitalisy ggino noti hian;crsti t'is igshnt eorm treebt gdo o'ryue to fele ot a owrg ot iegv a uyo yolu'l nad llpu. Ot htsi ot elhp santdudner yuo tnow' aehv you stop vmstnraofateir gdo uyo orf og gonig ,roem nca rrpaye 'ryoue numomvitcie sgitnre ttsha' orwk dna eenv cuabees who ofuylers a elcpa ot iongg nad. Rigneda fo dnrnsedatu ese ugynsidt dna dorw rlelyca odg nda to ntsigh nda mtei enev ngigo rmoe tsvien emor teh omdneic ru'yoe inot.
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Rshee' ggino ;own 'hstta on ym o,nw thaw wne uietnqo:s.
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Oyur oyu hsa flei dan ni eehrw uor e?lfi ilfym'as and riscmael nwe ewodrk are ogd hwat now.

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