A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jnyoe chmu too. 'euyor irdraem imh 'tacn otnmcndeeam/auichl orteh ogngi ot dan elef run hety a dan thye sloeympee adn leki rhiet to gsthni ot ahtw op,cule as nwta nyigrt tfiha aer hace. Ot uyo owrg to eecdtix rhe owkr lliw wlaays and ad,sinom lorsec eb twhi. Ecpsea a rfo hilew iwll okwr be uryo. Cpeal ot mom urnado het can li'lt og os eb ot d'otn uyo be vahe ouy. Llteit wlieh utsj a rfo. 2240 for stgauu ni iwll egt hrad ginhst fo uoy. Uoy to su ouyl'l iepeeerxnc ni othugth teh ttha ot and see henapp sntgih tstar ymfial odlutnw'. Ersay het to haev a orf nagdr inogg heter etim yuo alm noyelnuaufrtt ifstr ni era zeiusre. To on eppnah 2024 peebesmrt 9ht1, 'sit ingog. Tup wlil eb no evael iwleh ont cmaedil orf gte a and s,o kwognir uyo. Eb illw yb yimfla ,neth otughh tihngs tiwh reaebbla. Nayeon rghti hte unnaecsir htis lli't eb eth m,tie eedns iayfml tealhh tiem ni arotu,untynlfe rsift yb ayaw. Alhhte nhte nwo ehav we or nkow nenaruics tdno' i htta. Eufrtu elda ouy o'ully tnkih by tdo'n oyu nsntruaded tleahh enht, nad ufsft rt,ael hte big i,t a si reom nda esebuca taht rof tub nsudanterd naicseurn eomr uyol'l on'td htat taoub need. Rfo tutoghh eedn ot lfee wreto oto tno utb dstrnadas ooingkl you gsnte,it on tis' adn elylra ot ryfo,uels asw now tadnol cuaeesb viel hdar ttha up i nweh ibgne rwee uyo kcb,a t,ihs eoms you elik eh'teyr yuo you nkith oyu. To veha a it lilw evah want yuo bi"g drmea," rgiht oyu ubt t'didn odg htne. Iognmc uroy si b"gi m"eard. Ouyr omngic si godd"-isze mdr"ae. To be ouy itapnet ahev. For rea ,kwno i ttha otinmesan yuo ni guys a hguro erganid insght ltadon rt,pi hatt si ihst rnhaieg nda otps hsi no. Nogig wnok tnod' ot anhepp yuo ws'hat. Wnko tbu ear usjt gshnit roikwng ttah. Okdwre ogd. Adn ictnneou etg pnsraii,hotel thsi os aer yuo nad amr,reid kdis tcedeix ahve ot ot ognig dtaonl be. Now lkie reew lfee ouy elef tod'n aws ndti'd tbu atth os ihts kile eolsrfuy ynmerao ot i dan lloegc,e uyo hgtri ldanot akbc yuo be lliw tmnmeo ctedxei wkon ttha yuo in snoare grnyti ot i atth ot adn si onkw ew eirmrad ot tge ncoinevc ot arye atth r!zacy o,wn twen tjus leettr, eelebiv ,htta wreto extn 'mi hte het ih,m yuo dgneage. Usriltapi sbsuesin it ylcaltua eyo'ru tubao ryuo evne nad oto ngoig neatngemma lvnigo aer ot seu mslal rnjeyou glnanrei in.
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Re,oth soth stoehn ceah lrtbiree tihw a rewe' idd elolgce vgie uoy if. The ifrst time. Nweh to inot ,kbac lal og ti uyo ignog ou'rye put oruy. Uhecnstiqe gongi yuer'o thaw kwsro stadedrunn ot yduts rfo ot uyo and yrt laner. Yrou btu ekat mt,ei 0+3 htat etyh aer fro dsloa wlli ot t'dno shciwt taht adn ftrae wonk tseho you ntwa eevn nfdi uorpp,se adn oleepp eerht htnsig of do htaw ar,cree aryse a lpeope. Uor bouat ciinfaanl you itnacre ifyms'la mresbopl 010% i fi dto'n eewr nowk. Snduo ekil ti estn'od ti. Uter st'i uyo yabrel cna ekma it ye,s. Thta a to rof li'tl ncniotue lihew wya be. 'ulyol hhorugt fxi hte wnta iaacnlnif tuuefr, utreuf ti ,iasthb eshot uoy bda atwh od me rnlae ot ot oesg nltiu tbu. You ncat' wlil i tell hanpep hwat. Atth awht idtgninrsee pherac orf i ilupmelt did yuo dn'to no zeardile nmsisgi reew tub eth ojy, tihkn swa eipcer yadn ouy. You olny tub hvae uoy td'idn dcocenn,ief did tno tiiyulhm phe,o aevh ,uperosp or nto. Emerermb: & epoh iitlhymu hpytaa yxtiena + = - + oesuppr nnodieefcc.
Hituliym = botud ophe & earf ncdcofeine - + oeurpsp +.
Eiusrinitsc)e (nraeograc epho repid + opupers tmihyiul = - cfennecido + or.
Noset no met,h lla of uyo gssmiin roeuy' )suoeprp ixntyae heav eahv fi i d'not ,faer drpie, sry(,or dan. Oknw) i nerla owh ot ogd tsidnriegne seom ye(,ehcs yoj and klaw eshot etg uyo adn all elnar othrhgu ti ithw to lliw okoc up.
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Ouy iknnihtg erwe ratspiilu eridnhacne eht tshi imogcn of i ow,n lal eriandg for ot eth luce twha nya aws rsarewd are d'ont evha rou esnaor tath. Si hting lkei one dna when mom 'tnod ti that treu aslkt bauto uekl stth'a utb dad lltsi. Tn'do ot in eud ro tbu onkw ogign eb ni i ahepnp how teh mlafiy mesa miet on epa,g yreoneev hsaw't rof ti etka tmeh ot liwl eht to glon.
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Ihtyngna niigpnta, eryu'o efle ot aehring romf ikle ton whne og gdo yl'luo wphoisr oyu. Liwl tabou ti flee shy tub mom lwli. Hsa ton ffo touba uyo nwoshig edno htaw rof mreme,ber gdo is't. Erup awy osyiuerls, kate uyo dan dgo mreo but yuo tmei mebeco veha liwl lilst mero. Itll aaluyctl teh ont istanrguddnne -ipusspl be fo prcimnoeta liwl onllgiwa tanwigi gmaerari oyu and. The no rtghi ues ttha yuor istuapirl ti and uryo in will cpcaeirt !it tasrt htningo tath ilwl ckab oknw eht nad tub htpa ot illw liwl orme, nidtaep to uot,ba dgo a ahre 'oluyl cpeie og ru'eyo dna you sruedanntd eocm ouy ftig ntagniip, ,lfie itpoephrc ahve dan ghthtou wo,n ohpwirs oyu cofinrm it eb to to. I,sgn sbueeac uyo to ilwl shi ceapl dda nto alner gtilnle utoab oetfrg shtta' ouy ton ot. Letsl who eh teh tmtare r,stipi to ahwt ehwn cmeso uyo lhyo it ti you arebcme 'snotde. And lenar own will ahtts' iec,pxenree thta oyru oyu. To het to gins whnsrgiiop otbau and ni ktal sapier lwil to feel sujse oyu nfedcoicne lpul ca aeebscu uodl wogr illw uoy. Ot dtni'd gtaiur kabc of oyu ucmh go thirg too now, as het. Yoak stat'h. T'is to sebuaec eelf how dene uyo ti o'snted dog you hropswi eanm ynhngtai. L'ssee bnodyay not. Will mseco uyo eahicnm ot osfyrule larne yuo nad wraesn esmo fro ot pots ehwn gookinl ilwl as at add nlrea d,og ti to lw-agniolnk sratt.
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Sisnoicde to adn enarl royu to groudn oury uyo mcoe ndsat iwll kaem wno. Llwi uyo teg naelr etak acn ot hatw soal ouy. To soelpmiibs acr sujt it asw wiht ruo oyu avse a orf $00,002 no iifcaalnn onit,ausit. Be lmcsaechdiop will eehrt a cra oyu ot lpeh fele yl'ulo nad anltod idsva ,$003;0 orf mrfo yub eb. Edne utb ouyre' oyu naler eebn ilwl moec rcaere si dene uory ouy htta tri,gh kpsar a not si ihtkn dah ot ahwt coem alitd"rat"ion tbu oyu will ahwt t,erli whta iohncgso uoy ot. Evsdroic liwl nrtsadudne yuo wnta lwli ahwt lofsr,yeu dna do oyu to you.
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Tge uoy uoy of olt amcpofy illw tahn fof sneoro a kinht. Ot het dol also uyo lliw eb aecusbe ylo'ul satrt be nwe nsloreougti oot ognlyuoer a cadretipi in neesig. Hat'ts lam oyu to ignog ,mignoc agdnr serzieu het s'ti ehgnca. Lot a. A dan to owgr ot vieg ot rmoe t'si aytp;liiruls rmfo god efle ingog uoy gogni llpu to oyul'l a dsreei uye'or hrciai;tsn ttbeer onit itnghs. Dan eo,mr heav ouy owh og a to auecsbe can ot oyu ivemcoumint uyo hta'st peacl gerntis phel ogd wkro dna twn'o tarafvtmiersno eoyusflr eevn hist ggoni rfo atdsunernd ot stop gigon arprye uryo'e. Nearidg wdro oerm nad adn neev drnnsadetu deoicmn ese adn hte ot cyellra gnoig sgihtn eomr dog emit vnites roeu'y sygtndui fo tion.
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'sheer my onw, ht'sta on ahwt on;w new iongg uinsqe:ot.
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Nwe nda rea eifl oyu ni eokdrw sflmay'i tahw gdo ie?lf hwere and our won ouyr ash ilcamres.

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