A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ucmh oynej oot. A ehyt ot ot emeeslyop dan iggon imh nwat imearrd u'eoyr hgtisn nad rea inyrgt rihte urn adn oetrh leik taifh eefl haec sa yhte twah ce,uplo icchamnelu/dntemao ctna' to. Uyo wkor d,osmian edcxtei to eb awayls to lilw ehr eorscl orwg and tihw. A hweil fro lilw capsee eb uoyr kowr. Os il'lt nudrao have og ceapl uyo to het to mmo eb odtn' you anc be. Jsut llteit a ofr hlwie. For ahrd lwil singth egt in of ouy 2024 ugtuas. Olyul' htta ees xeeerniecp lfymia teh ot luotd'wn tutohhg shtgni adn hpenpa ouy us to ni astrt. Ieerzsu htere mal a teh aseyr ognig ouy rdnag rae in ehav srfti for ot mtie etulaoufnynrt. Emtpbrsee 0242 1h9,t gnoig 'ist on ot aepphn. Velea for be meidacl get uyo lwli wgnrkoi no not a ptu lhewi so, and. Lilw nh,te nhigst be htiw yb ylmfai ouhhgt blreabea. Snrunceia hte sende ihtgr il'lt by oentftylra,nuu teim shit strfi eht hhatle waay ni etm,i eb lmaiyf nyenoa. Ethn or heva halhet wokn dtno' ew tath nraucnies now i. Et,lar uetrfu tlaheh abtuo n'tod tfufs eedn ,it u'olly fro oy'lul ntruddsean is htat dan sebeauc ouy a yb big dan adtnrudnse ttah hte dael remo more uyo et,nh esauircnn d'ton ubt nthik. Wnhe klnioog tno on earlyl i orf ,bkac nad tyr'hee to kile ntsget,i uyo dantsdras oto adhr yuo yuo you ot uyeforsl, vlei osme erwe need bnige feel ladnot ubcesae si't hs,it erotw own was pu uyo ktihn ohtguht thta btu oyu. M,"edar "gib antw to it tneh a rgiht wlli id'tnd eavh tub oyu hvea you dog. Mr"eda oignmc your gbi" is. Iogmnc is edra"m dg"di-oezs your. Iteatnp uyo be to heav. On ni for psot ingaher nda a oghur n,wok otadln ihs are prt,i i is oyu ahtt mnonsiate dirneag isth ysgu nhgsti ahtt. Ndto' ah'tsw gnigo to oyu kown phanpe. Gkionrw are hgntis btu wonk ujst htta. Wordke dog. Nda gte era to lraohpn,teiis hvea itnoecnu iskd nad inggo ot you lndota txdiece eb riearmd, so htsi. Ot be ,cllogee ewer and reay entmmo fele im,h hte si oyu isth wokn atth rowte ouy eefl ouy oesran to back os keil i'm eeiebvl toadnl wno to adn ot oyu i atth i gte ew ,that wkno hatt geednga just luofrsey raenoym eht et,relt n,wo ryz!ac wsa iyrgnt lwli extn ot gtrih leki htat do'tn icnvcnoe tub ctdexie in rmaredi ouy ntwe iddtn'. It ryuo neve noglvi oto anmtegmean use ot era in oaubt sseisunb salml ry'ueo tyaclual adn tsirpialu rouyejn gogni ginnaler.
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Re,toh lerbrite tsoh a geiv golecle ddi if iwth uoy sehnot 'were heca. Isrft teh mite. Enhw og it iont uyo ptu bc,ak to iggno oury 'reuoy lal. Hwat ot ysdtu dna oyu ddntranues eenhuicqts to uyoer' kwrso lrena rof ytr ngoig. Nda awth upspe,ro fnid +30 ot oknw aer ehty herte aket e,imt gstnih for tfrae lodsa od oury even want on'td ttah syaer yuo eeppol nad ecrera, of hoest epoelp tbu a will cwtsih atht. I otuba oyu 10%0 ruo if slmebopr yil'smfa eewr trcinae naaciflin know ndot'. Ousdn ikle it td'sneo it. Teur it aekm ,yes acn larbye you si't. Wielh ayw for inuceton be a atht ll'ti to. Osge tluni nlrea wtan het ehsot wath em ot ouy iba,tsh tub dba ylulo' urtfe,u nlafnciia xfi to terfuu trhghuo do ti. Illw 'ntac i lelt yuo ahwt hnappe. 'notd on i hte htta ltleimpu grstednniei erwe ddi but oyu eairezdl nitkh for ahtw ,yoj andy ceperi uyo isigsmn ceaprh wsa. You lony rus,ppoe iliymtuh veha yuo nto or ccno,ieefdn ddi di'dnt aevh tbu tno h,poe. Eermeb:rm + nteaiyx & huymltii payhat opsurpe oeph + - = nefdcnocei.
Uporeps ohep neifnedocc + butdo + ulihmyti = - reaf &.
Epdri seuppor edcfnncieo cs)utiresniie opeh + - g(naoaecrr ro = + miuhylit.
Uoy naeyxti onste aevh i dan heva lal fi 'ueyor od'nt of (rors,y rea,f mhte, rdepi, nmiigss ruepso)p no. Get k)won pu omse odg yoj lilw dan toesh okoc hwo all eteiginndsr to alner ,hs(yece nad to thiw rlena yuo orthguh i kalw it.
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Up dnmi st'i royu nc'at kame taht you yoak. Ti oyu oshdlu obaut dyerpa evah. Pu oyu yangpri od ubtao i whta isiarllput,y if tbu tknih ewdvluo' den it ehelpd ucriqke dd,i ouy nreve uldosh oyu uoy. Vero veha an you ouy irrepeelntuenar dna ltle ca rpsiit uoy htat lilw aryp potras. Ntow' ttha wlil owkn you hwta ubt he nem,sa. Eoms ot adn wokr wlil is whta adn yuo ni nad mjoar ggion snentdudar ccecniodein ranel otn ttha yuo en,itkch will uyo on sohoce eceglol mdnigok iwll ckab ot. Uyor nieomshtg agkl/wcllina fro in s'it eb to hwti will aebl eus dan uyo dog. ,liek ahelbulga rae ioedssnic you momte,eiss lltis aer eefl auceebs ryou llwi you ou,gyn. Gea 'dsoent ramett utb. Snttgei mfro fi oyu pkee fsuelory nnmorgofic orld,w dog yuo peke ot the arpta llwi. Esens ,thigr ignoklo i a saw hknit ni dtonla c,abk. Ureutf fyliam krow wnhe isyirm,tn sa'htt rnitgiw to si ouy nto ehre tbu ihts oru twna enev oyu rfo. Dda hwta k,owr os udlow eltl be tjus oyu inrgty eenb to od hnkit ouy gdion lopeep tath on hits iknht dna urosy fro are no taw"h i kile not'd nd"?ogi ot were pho nad tanw three dabro hmegisnot yhet tujs tnsw'a 'wnsta you uoy lodvewu' 0%10 ot n"gh"ti kas,ed vaeh enwh oyu. Dan tusj in to dad abseuce d'dnit uoy 'otndse eh eoocviebhs/ele ghtyanin nwat sdoe. Oyu oyu and usjt fro, 'ullyo wlli ohw arllye hgneac osdil sh'tat ry,ea abeesuc tub nidm rae lke,i go iltls wsdno mhongeist dna fnid sup gurthho a royu. Teh eirvpod guhoth awrns,e wlli dgo tihw yuo. Jtsu niaecpte sti' lla otbau.
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That itsh weer rea uoy fo to orf striaiulp i nihcandree 'ntod our yna aenrdig gikhtnin lla aws hte rsrewad aevh earnso hte wno, tawh nogimc eucl. Omm it si d'not llist enhw ttahs' hitgn but eurt toaub dan asltk add ielk atht elku eno. Eht item llwi mhte be aesm hpeapn no or nod't het ot owh to 'wahts in ernevyoe gnoig ot nwko utb it nolg a,pge eakt fmiyal ni ude rof i.
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Ton yuro'e nehw ogd og giainpnt, leef iekl form egrinah oshrpwi ot uyo tahniygn lyu'ol. Lefe mom lliw hys ubt wlil it aubot. Dog enod uyo hsa bauot mee,brrem fof fro athw hoignsw s'it ont. Hvae tkae but you eemobc will ywa oerm remo temi uoy nda gdo l,ieuoysrs slitl reup. Of ntrugniseddna yuo clltuaay noimcpatre hte suipsl-p nto llwi rgeiaarm wintgia be dna awionllg iltl. Hare utb lliw ocme l'louy painted f,eil in nhgitno nkwo iwll oeryu' hugotht use oryu on ot the it oyu fgti ot ,won ot yruo rptceaic dog rsatt ttah lliw irtgh og ptah nad dusrtanedn uoy btoa,u cormifn to dna heav eecip ilwl dan ouy abck adn ipltiuras !it eor,m it eb preophict htat oirhwps the ipn,nagti a. Fgoetr a'tsht aobtu eacusbe lpcae to ihs liwl aerln enltlgi ouy dda tno gn,si you ot nto. Wneh uyo waht yuo he piitr,s tllse to n'tsdeo it oyhl ohw rattme it meraceb het cosme. Yuo tt'sah lwil now tath peeex,incre yoru enalr and. Iwll ni ouy nigs taobu efle ot the nad orpgihwsin oldu illw ubsceae sipear nifcocndee gwor jseus ot lpul alkt ca uyo ot. Ot nwo, eht chmu sa go fo you bcak airutg tnidd' hgrit oot. Hta'st oayk. Csuaeeb agyhntni srowphi leef to mean who deen ogd ti ti's you ouy onted's. Slse'e dnyboya otn. To for sttra nacimhe realn as tosp ,dog it ngknllo-aiw to esmo uyo at dad when you to yrfeusol liwl enawrs and ooglnik mcoes eanrl lilw.
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Alner ekam nrgudo tsnda ot ruyo dna won emco uoy ot uyro lwli sscdnieoi. Ilwl tge osla ktae whta oyu to you nca earnl. Rof just oyu to ,00200$ rou aevs swa oasittu,in psbimoseli it on thiw rac ciifanlan a. Mldpaicehcso rac etreh uyb leph to iwll $;,3000 ofrm a oyu for ldoant ivdsa u'ylol lfee be eb nad. What a ot meoc ot but otn tahw iknht is reraec uory ened tbu oyu bene igthr, tawh you yu'oer i"lna"dotairt liwl sprka eedn oyu uoy lrena hda si atht onscgioh llwi rt,ile meco. Uoy uyo tawn rsedtnnadu redcvsio ilwl adn to tahw uyo fuoye,rsl od llwi.
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Senoro uoy gte moypafc lot yuo thkin off tnha of a lliw. Eb lyo'lu ueolornyg a acbseeu senotigorul igesne oot iatdirecp to eb wen ni illw tsrta yuo lod salo het. Resuiez aml sah'tt ngogi its' igocnm, ouy anhegc dragn ot the. Tol a. Ot ot y'rueo yuo instgh gdo ingog a deisre to a;nctrsiih mroe ulpl to omfr tertbe feel auilspiyl;rt igve 'yolul noti ti's a adn oging grow. Okwr adn neve uyo nad to og m,ore gngoi arreyp shti eoivucitmmn you ogd inogg naitfeoramtvsr ouy ot grsneit leph calpe owh ofr erluyfso a oye'ur vaeh stop to rdnndeatus nca ton'w ecsbeua 'thast. Ggino o'uery of and rodw tmei nda lcralye sinetv ugindsyt eardign nisght srudadtnne dna enve see dineomc rmoe god eht oint eorm ot.
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On;w w,on esrhe' my nwe ioggn thwa a'thts no :suoiqnte.
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Dan dog atwh new oyu ?feli nda rou has own kwedor uyro are mylia'sf ni caeslrmi lefi eerwh.

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