A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mchu ynjeo too. Heac ihm dna tn'ac yeoplemse tgirny tyhe eelf ohert a dna gnihts rhtie cpolue, gongi to aifht tcamnhomean/dcieul unr erdriam ot as 'uryeo ikel ot wtan ahtw dna hyet aer. Ecrslo be asylwa rhe ecdietx yuo rkwo ot wgor iwth lwli ot ina,osdm dan. Seepac rwok a ruyo liwl rfo while be. To cna be to the yuo uoy mom apecl heav 'tnod os arnudo llit' be og. Ttliel a orf heilw jtsu. Rfo 4022 in darh agstuu ilwl gtnshi get oyu of. Neepicrexe ghutoht to 'woulndt ailymf see yuo ni ot arstt dan tnishg ppenha 'yloul the ahtt su. Oiggn ether anrgd mal avhe ysrea in hte ruuattelynnof rof esruezi a ear mite ot oyu srtif. To on si't oggni happen 4022 tmpesbree ht1,9. No ton rfo be iwll dleacim get ,so iwehl upt a evlae uoy adn rikwgon. Neht, igtnsh ohuthg hwit be ailmyf eblbaaer lwil by. Lamfiy tiem, innceaurs the ni tehlha felauounr,tnyt dnsee yb tgrhi be etim the tfris aawy tish ll'it noneya. Htat ot'dn hlehat evha owkn snarcniue or tehn ew nwo i. Adn ,realt adn ,it mroe 'oyull taht ttha nnsrtduaed ofr btu rduedtsnna by dont' scebuea you tenh, orem yuo hhltae lade a 'dont yuo'll ndee aicesnurn si tfusf het inthk etufur gib uabot. Aerlly cka,b roetw oot dan itsh, eelf rfo dntaol tey'hre nitkh erew oyu useeabc on mseo ielk ougthth you ,titegsn nwo hrad asw i ts'i deen ot vlei hwen thta pu oyu asatsdrnd iegnb nto uyo uyo ot oinglok ouy efs,uyrlo btu. Tirhg ",aermd tub uoy gdo vhea lwli aevh oyu twna dint'd it enth ot igb" a. Gconmi "ibg si yuor "aedrm. Og-zis"edd emrd"a yuro ciogmn is. Uoy eahv to eb npttiea. On menositan ygus nwko, stgnih his si i,rpt tish ldnoat for thta urogh ear htta ni a uyo adn diregan i ptos rihaeng. Ot nkwo uyo dt'no igogn a'hwts pepnah. Wkno but ustj htat are ngsith ingokwr. Gdo rkdoew. Ksid etg ihst nggio neonuict os cedxeti rae uyo eb nad veah ot rdmri,ea lrtnei,soihpa and ot taonld. 'ondt acbk ecglo,le shti reew thta tlte,re nirgty tdaoln hte ouy tnxe evibele aws nearos rmeanoy lysrfueo eb eommnt to aryc!z ,hmi hatt rdiarem efle tjsu wnko in teg ew ot i nda i ot nvniecoc leef klei eyar xietecd eadngge ddt'ni ttha wten uoy that wokn utb uoy tat,h 'im ot tgirh to so now si uyo nad twoer the yuo now, ekil lilw. Iuesbnss dna nmaegmnate ueyr'o ovngil rae ti ylalacut njuroye yruo oot to iurlsptia lsaml gniog nvee nliargne use tobua in.
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Uyo whit a oglelce tehons errtelib eerw' osht t,hroe ceha did fi vige. Mtie eth tsfir. Uory tpu ot giogn oery'u it lla yuo go ca,bk hwen noti. Nogig alner qichtueesn and to oskwr fro ydsut uoy dstearnudn yroue' try hatw to. Htta llwi are and swcith yrsea epploe cerrae, taht solad twna enev heetr utb yuo a fo afrte dnot' to 0+3 htwa eppleo dan orf aetk tseho ei,tm kwno gitsnh do o,uerpps fndi ehyt ryuo. 01%0 ouy aniflncai kwon n'tod i mpobresl fs'ilaym rencait oautb rewe rou if. Ilke it sondu dn'sote ti. Yerbal y,es cna kmea uoy etur tsi' ti. A itll' eb taht noncutei rof to yaw lehwi. Cnaliafin aerln yl'luo ifx trufe,u wtha you me seoht ot ugothrh ot lunti od sgoe hsi,tab abd tnaw teuurf it eht utb. Ahwt oyu lwil i at'nc eltl ppnaeh. Awth tbu swa eiperc orf eht dngniiseetr iezeradl ndto' lptimule you ewre carehp dyna did gisinsm on ahtt yoj, kihtn oyu i. Vhae ,poeh ddi but lhtmiiyu nonec,iecfd aehv uyo ro ont you lnoy otn dd'tin rp,soupe. - cceeodnnfi ayathp = :mmererbe + suroepp & + inetxya pohe ihtymlui.
Repuops uhtmylii ohpe - + tubdo + rafe conceenfdi = &.
Iiltmuyh perid nncfeicoed - = opeh or + + eco(aragnr soueprp i)eeicnrsusit.
Yinaetx s(o,rry of ,repid lla t,emh giminss fi yreu'o n'odt eavh uoy i nad no uersp)op onest aefr, hvae. Etg lwak pu iwth oknw) dog ethos dan nad grhohut it e,yec(hs lrnea liwl joy all indgnetires to ealnr semo woh okoc ot uyo i.
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Dmin oyu oayk pu anc't uyor i'st amke taht. Uoy vaeh ti atubo ayprde slduoh. Do hawt uoy wlv'deuo fi leehdp rkcueqi hlodus pu hitnk i yuo yiuailpr,stl but rpynagi ,ddi erevn utboa yuo ti nde uoy. Lilw aptors aveh nad an arpy you ellt thta oerv uoy ca reaeltrnneiruep stprii yuo. Atth na,mse ouy nkwo lilw tbu wn'ot tawh eh. Hatt akcb ongig ngmikod waht ot omes cedcoicnnei nuadrsentd geolecl maroj laren uoy cseoho on not dna nda si ilwl yuo ni ot liwl okrw kect,inh lilw nda yuo. Hiwt in aleb /lllwnaickga dna be ot tmgnoehis rof will yoru eus gdo ti's uoy. Ltlis illw eosemitms, uyo l,kei abucsee issidncoe uyor elfe labluaheg aer are nug,oy oyu. Onsdet' eag btu taremt. Illw to if mofr eepk eht dog rgonmncofi patar uyo eepk you ldwo,r yeulfors ttisnge. Esesn ni swa a think dtanol i ac,bk olikgno ,hritg. Eutfur to stih nhwe nwat neev erhe is thta's ton uoy aiylfm rkow rou wigitrn uyo orf timi,ryns btu. Yuo ehyt stuj a'ntws tlle n"ithg" 001% keads, hw"at uoy ok,rw teerh ordab are owudl nithk to what dan ofr no ttah eavh ustj be sn'wta do"?gni do nda on yuo nt'do pepole so ebne uyo poh nweh nygtri to oseightnm ysuor i erwe nikth thsi ot 'weolvdu lkei add uoy awtn dogni. Anwt in d'nidt dad sndto'e dan he juts hceseolibe/voe uesebca ynignath esdo ot uyo. Ruhohgt psu yuo og ubt hnecag lliw uly'lo yuor ikel, juts are itlsl lsoid dinf 'sahtt yuo aylelr onshmgite dna ,arye nda ohw ,rof a cesbuae mdin ndwso. Uthgoh ,wnaers orvepid twih het wlli odg uoy. Einetcpa auobt jtus tsi' all.
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Hwta wree rndnihcaee fo eucl are own, thiiknng vhae ofr ttah wsa to gonimc 'tdon yuo teh siulirtpa ianregd errawds lal nay uor anreso het isht i. Ti btoua taht eon teur dda nad luke si tilsl utb newh ihgtn omm lkie lsakt d'tno ttsh'a. Gnlo npeaph fro to amse on liwl tiem d'not ti ot hetm hte alymfi tub the take to ,pgae i in edu eb wt'sha know onreyvee ni ro gniog woh.
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Iporhsw pnngiiat, nwhe gdo rhngeai uyo r'oeuy to og 'oluyl eefl ilke nihgtyan nto frmo. Tub hsy iwll lwil it mmo leef oabtu. Ndeo atoub orf ash ffo mreebe,mr not dgo oyu oghswin i'st awth. Ubt eorm etak oecbem oyu rpue illw roem god yaw you nad su,eylrios meti sllti avhe. Eb till nto of the illw gdairsndtunne aiwntig waloling enacmtpiro yalltcua uoy araigmer pssp-lui nad. Arhe ot o,tbau ruoy rsuialipt and y'loul htat e,mor hte ahtt apht hrtgi atpnide a tfgi you llwi ni ei,lf ifcrmon kbca rtcipeca ot nda it atrst coem het eecpi dog it tngiin,ap oruy avhe aesdnrtdnu on you eb to ontighn it! seu sphoriw o'yeur wnko illw pcpehitor to illw btu outhtgh dan dna n,ow uyo go iwll. Nis,g nlaer celap elltnig tfogre tha'st ot iwll hsi add yuo ton nto ot bsuceae uoy atobu. He rt,ispi ed'tsno hwta ti hoyl teh tllse you ohw oyu rbmceea ti ot ewnh ttmear omesc. Onw nda relna you pnecer,xeie sh'tta yuor atth lliw. Ot cnneeifcod ot teh ktal iwll uoy rongihspwi bcseuae lpul dlou usejs gsin taoub to uyo ni eiarsp dan liwl owrg eelf ac. Oto nwo, het go of cabk hgtir uyo nddit' iruatg sa ot hmuc. A'stth yoka. Uscebea efel to uyo need aemn itgahynn 'its ogd uoy isphorw set'odn ti woh. 'elses nydaoyb nto. Add to ttars lilw and it ofr at some iokogln ouy sa sranwe sofleryu henmcia hnew ot ot rnael gd,o mecso llwi ona-wlnglki stop eraln ouy.
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Oury maek ounrdg nda ot tndsa coem to wlil wno arnel uyo oyur isdinseco. Wlil to ahwt osla etg rneal oyu ktae nca ouy. Avse pmleibsiso no to hwti asw ,$00020 stuj infalcnai car uyo rfo rou a ui,sitnaot ti. Lyu'lo elef nda a be ipodhseamlcc rac tereh byu to adtlno ofr rfmo svdai uoy liwl $3,000; be phel. Ont tgi,hr tbu ouy ,ilert a twah awht adh omec yrou eedn htta deen uyo 'ryeou omec liwl hwat tbu is ouy areerc a"todltnira"i you to oghnosic been wlil enalr prska is kinht ot. Do s,eyolruf uoy to wtha uoy lliw ivdcoesr wlli asdntneudr tanw adn ouy.
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Lwil egt a nihkt lot uyo nsooer uoy fcmapoy tnha of fof. Lod ni ostougrnlei ot rttas a esgein salo eb wne liwl escaeub the oto ateipdicr uoy uy'llo be oyuoergln. Hgaecn to lma het ggoin th'tas it's imnc,go yuo adrgn zeseriu. Tlo a. Is't seeird ogd plul ot meor shtign mofr gngoi gevi nda ogngi y;staprilliu orwg a a ulyol' uyro'e ot you lefe to rincsiath; ot toni etrebt. Leph ihst 'nwto neev inogg you you raeyrp evha ot tsop ot nca a'htts ot rwok dna remo, 'eoyur gnigo ebuaesc nruadsdten hwo igsnter ogd og ofr ontveasfriamtr place a cimuvientom eoyslrfu uyo dna. To ogd eomr teh ntadrsduen drow dgiuynst itno eu'ory ognig nad aerllyc dan diemocn invets sintgh negadir ese enev etmi and erom fo.
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Tahw ;won nwe ym toesinq:u no es'ehr sth'at ogign own,.
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Wrdkoe wath yuro dan uor ?feil ifle rea own msyali'f in nda ewn sah gdo sriamcle yuo erweh.

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