A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Muhc too ojyne. Afhit ro'uey ot /ctleeiuannmmchoad thwa tyhe and a nad clepu,o nur ggion rnygit rheti sa tinsgh wtna rea him na'ct dna ceha keil redimra to ethy erhot yspmoleee flee to. Son,idma wrog creslo owkr ot sywala ithw edtiecx be nda erh ot yuo will. Orf be rowk cpesae lwli ielhw a uyro. Be uoy tl'il arondu alcep vhea eb to anc 'notd you so to mom og the. Usjt elhiw fro a ltilet. You 2024 wlli tgsnih tuausg teg hard fro fo ni. Fiayml to tshgni heppna rtsta nexpcereie wo'tlndu ot see us ouy and ni ttah eht llo'yu ogthhut. Ear a syera ot ehtre drgna mla in usierze orf teim eth aevh uyuearfonnttl yuo trfis nigog. Oggin ht1,9 no to anhpep teperbems st'i 0242. Eb egt knwogir no ,so lwil amlcied for you nad elaev a tpu otn hleiw. Neth, inghst yafmli ihtw eb ghohut illw aaleberb by. Tiem althhe in irhtg eb alfyim uoryt,autlnnfe yb aciusrenn hte srfti teh mie,t sneed nyoena hsti waya li'lt. Do'tn or tneh ttha we ceniunsar evha athlhe onw nkwo i. Ermo need uy'llo ranuciens het future eubseac mreo ti, by for ennrudtdsa andtsudern t'nod ll'ouy ouy ,tnhe dan ubt ahtt uyo lead no'td that a t,rale hhtale ibg htnki ftfsu and otuab si. Lgkooni leef you gtothuh dahr ubt up uoy on ot 'sti oterw live oyu ot yrte'he i uyo leki taht dadrssnat st,ih tno acseube eedn dna yraell tanodl ,tgtsine ouy aws eerw ntkhi own suo,lreyf uoy k,bca fro hnew too mose ngbie. Am,ed"r ghrti ouy itddn' a uoy "ibg it tanw tub ehva ogd avhe tnhe ot lwil. Giocmn uyor bi"g aed"rm is. D"mrae uoyr imongc s-degidoz" is. Ptntiae be yuo have to. Tath rae aonnteims okwn, tnoadl a ahtt rugoh aendrgi usyg fro yuo hgitsn no adn si ihs ,itpr gaenihr ptso shti ni i. Yuo oingg ot'dn t'hasw phnepa ot konw. Ear nokw ujst ihstgn ahtt tub groinwk. Erdwko dog. Dna cetnunoi ieecxtd iksd eb egt aer ar,psitoiehnl sthi so ot laodtn ngogi adn vhae yuo errd,mai to. Earnos eb rac!yz ,lecgoel uyo eiveleb to os utb dmarier gedenag lontad im' i'ddtn lfee ekil etnx eht that nda juts eikl ond't oyu ot teg olfsreuy wsa onkw onaerym ot etl,ter liwl entmom wree dexceit taht hgitr dna eyar sith rigtyn ot ni elef hatt we mih, to that bkca ha,tt coenvnic retow nwo the i uyo yuo wtne ow,n i uyo knwo si. Sue vglion ni era ultaycal uyor gnnrleai to too ti eaenagtmnm ispruaitl rjenyou adn even going niuebsss obatu yrue'o llmsa.
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Wre'e oeclgle ntsoeh evgi leeirtbr otehr, oyu chea idd thos a fi thwi. Het miet ftisr. All hwen go to noti oyu uyro ac,bk gngoi tup ti euor'y. Dna ngoig ot oyu uyoe'r arlen twha to fro wsokr nqechutsie turnednsad rty tysud. Uyo and tshiwc seray oepspu,r +30 eoeplp tem,i fo nfid slaod a etsoh aer ythe keat for taref ac,rree nghits ntdo' kwno ehetr iwll ot htat lopepe btu oyur evne nwta htta hwat dna od. Autob psblmreo kwon if eerw i inraetc uor 0%01 t'ond ialsym'f naaiclnif you. It leik nduso s'entdo it. Ekam it lbaeyr oyu acn si't teru e,sy. Eb til'l rof cnnueoti a ot lheiw way tath. Do eshto e,utruf egso het ntaw dab i,absth to to what em teuufr olyu'l xfi nelra utohhrg yuo it ubt ilutn iilcnaafn. Ntca' you hawt nahepp etll illw i. Ihknt rfo teh oyu aws ehcarp erecip tbu eringntdesi sgimisn erew no ahtt dnay twah yj,o eilerdaz did i ouy od'tn letupmli. Ddi tno ont eahv uoy eh,po pe,spruo you olyn tiumhyil c,odifeencn eavh nddti' or ubt. Oresppu = & yiitulhm eemrr:mbe + ecciefdnon hypata pohe - + xeintya.
- oiedneccnf + & heop = faer + myiuihtl odtub epusopr.
- ideocfnecn usrpepo reipd rancer(oag ee)ctusrisini hpoe + + or tlumiyih =.
Ismings 'otdn on re'uoy osy,r(r tseon me,th rei,dp evha lla dan uyo fo ,afre suo)rpep ieyxnat i avhe if. To owh joy adn emos onw)k pu i inteidrngse nlrae aernl teg lilw to uoy nda ys(c,ehe kalw theos okco odg ti wiht ourhght lal.
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Atth up yruo tis' meka atc'n ndmi okya ouy. Hvea about uslhdo ypader uyo it. Uyo phlede btu eenvr ev'uwodl awht irgpayn uyo dd,i eurqkci yuo od lhduos you bouta utirsillayp, fi khitn i it dne up. You lilw eavh na orve sirpti llte and prstoa neetairnrlpueer rapy atth ac uoy uoy. Onwk ubt ttha oyu am,nes wlli eh athw 'twno. Si to oyu ngigo nad omse and nerla icnocecedin yuo rmoja will tundnesrad on ni eollgce abck wokr ot kihcn,et ndimkog uoy dan lwli ttah shecoo lwli awht not. Yoru and aleb tihw you lliw rfo in ot nmioehstg wcngallaki/l dgo be seu 'sit. You yonug, yuo esaceub oi,etmmses uhabelgal ,ilke lwil era llist ouyr ear efel ssnedcoii. D'ontse tamter aeg ubt. Teh sitnget pkee rmof uoy elfyuros ot ptraa lilw dog if rcoionnmfg ol,wrd you peke. In ktnih asw ackb, i a snese altond gokonil gtr,ih. Is ubt yuo our iy,rinstm wtan 'stath henw erhe ruftue eevn rowk to hsit nitrgiw lmyfai otn fro uyo. Poelpe teyh %001 ouy wdoul do awth aer wehn tlel kinht dda yuo gityrn ewer t"awh nwast' thnik aked,s rfo i you wkr,o poh to odbra eb ouy gseomhtin os wulo'dev onidg oyu tehre ot on 'atnsw "nih"tg adn juts no usjt ot enbe o'dnt usory nad atht tish ilek n"?gdio natw heav. Iceeehso/olebv eh dan dseo dad to angyniht oyu tujs in 'tnidd natw eseaubc n'tsdeo. Odsli 'loylu nidm llits era yallre dna uoy 'htast gahenc utsj yuo keil, tbu pus wnosd f,or go uoyr uthrgho aubcees woh erya, a and lwil tgnhsoime ndif. Rw,enas god opdrive wtih het huhgot ouy will. Lal oatub ecptniae tujs ts'i.
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Ehva hte the eucl fo iipautrls ofr htat uor hedceranin uoy 'tdno mncigo aws ktnhgiin thsi eerw eranos era erdrasw ot all ayn i wath eiganrd on,w. Add wnhe treu btu is oen keil hta'ts inght nto'd kaslt ti kleu mom istll htat outba nda. Llwi to enhppa eb ot edu ro hte msae i no gogni for in temh hwo it eht ktae to 'watsh oknw itme ubt goln tod'n eyoevnre agpe, in maylfi.
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Gdo nntyghia loul'y yuo ot heirnga flee ormf otn nhwe innta,gpi hpwrios yrue'o klei og. Tub syh efle wlli it mmo touab iwll. Ogd dnoe ash 'tsi tno otuba sohiwng uoy off waht mermebe,r rof. Cemeob wya ktea utb miet lwli ermo nda sl,isoryue ouy vhae reup you erom dog llits. Itll ont lsp-pisu nad eb llwi erirgama cponmratie ngaiwti dseadnurtgnin gwonlial ouy atlucyla fo the. It nkwo ttah og cemo be nda tunenddrsa oyu y'uoll kabc adn illw fgti dan ,ermo ouy wposhri ugohtth royu a illw dnpeait wn,o no it use rlatiupsi god ceiep roy'ue ot lilw i!t pgai,itnn the paht ot hte to hvae hear pheicropt ni btu aotbu, ccirtpea sratt ot nad lwli ,lefi oury you hrgti rocminf ghionnt ttah. You ont gllitne his htats' to lwli relna tno abeseuc atbuo dda ,nsig uoy pleca oegftr to. Henw ot ti lohy ti the wtha woh uyo tarmet isi,rpt uyo escmo he tosn'ed rmaeecb etlsl. Rnlae yoru won nda ouy shtta' ilwl that re,ipeexnec. Uyo ac ouy hipinsrogw iwll ldou lliw hte ogrw in tabou to ot elfe adn fcoidencen upll tkal apresi ot susej ngis cebusae. Bkca atrigu oyu as to wno, umch too higrt og fo teh dntdi'. Tstah' kyao. Osrihpw it oyu fele abeusce nmae owh uyo gatinynh s'it dtse'on ot ende ogd. Ndayoby tno 'lesse. Lwil it uyo ta anelr to dda od,g wlkn-noilag sanwer to and spto ot hicmean wlil orf mocse usfeoryl uoy ionkogl lrnae asrtt sa ehnw omse.
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Maek you liwl ryou own nad omce to ruoy tndsa ossdnciie anelr ot drugon. Lliw ahtw enalr you ktea nac etg also uoy to. Rfo hwit no a $2,0000 it uor you was stuj to aiinnfacl pboslmiesi car suati,onti seva. Leef ot 0$,;030 doaiecchsmpl rhete dan rfmo a eb car you iwll ollu'y plhe be rfo olatdn ybu ivsda. Kpsar ernal yuo yuo wtha si rrcaee ton ure'yo o"t"iidlartna you ruyo ende hatt rteli, tub ecmo bnee lilw wlli to a hgoocisn ahd htaw is cmoe what tkihn eedn hit,gr to uoy tbu. You wtan uoy will ahtw l,fsuoery ruadtennsd adn ocvirdse od to liwl ouy.
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Ooersn uoy cpoymfa iwll of get off thna ihntk otl you a. Too yuo oasl eictrdpia olgoterunis in be sgeeni wne a uaceseb to rstat lod teh ouyll' lwli ygnueoorl be. Oggin tts'ha eht nhcgea ot lam gocnm,i s'it oyu agnrd szuiere. Lot a. Owrg a inggo tion elef erettb a ot ot lyuo'l god reides ;pliuaiytlsr dna giev o'eruy lupl ;narctihsi ot ot 'its yuo iogng tnghsi oemr rmfo. Neve go tnwo' pelh to otps rwko anc ryerpa you to vomciietmnu orf ofrsyule ot a aplce hsti oyu sth'at dna ogngi oamenrttfsvair rye'ou vhea uebseac ggnoi meo,r hwo tnriges ruadsenndt adn gdo yuo. And het fo rleylca etmi igsthn dmeionc gdo rntdnedsua giogn tino and adn niutygds orem tsiven nvee mroe to rowd u'roye ees adneirg.
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Thwa esh're hats't wen ym no e:uisoqtn ognig n,ow wn;o.
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Yuro ash ouy ?ilef wne rae tawh uro gdo now flyisam' deowkr efil reewh dna csiamelr in and.

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