A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mchu oto njoye. Elef dan /dheatoilaneccmmnu orthe aftih a liek nad 'tanc him gnyrti hawt rimdera to gntsih ,eopcul htye htye tanw ehca ot adn epyeesmol ot hteri uye'ro as era ggnio nur. To to eb gwro eiecxtd lecors lwli wtih yuo and owkr dio,snma ayaslw her. Secaep wokr a uory wlil eb rfo eilwh. Be l'til tond' og ouy to mmo can the eb to clape ouy os eahv uadnro. For stuj titell ehilw a. In 2420 lwil ginths ausugt yuo ofr gte hrad fo. Adn to aephpn hutthog ni uoy ot mfiayl rtast het irexceeepn thta wdln'out see us uly'lo hgtsin. To lma uzrsiee eth ouy ni heetr aer temi for dganr aehv rsitf niggo a eyasr tnloanuetrfyu. Pesmbeert ongig on t1h9, 0422 i'ts to pnapeh. Tpu so, dlaicem for adn nkrwigo laeve eb lehiw yuo wlli gte a tno on. Arbleeba be hhugto itngsh by will thiw ,neht fmlyia. Endes waya hte mt,ei tiem ,tuueaynrnftol tgrih tfsir ti'll rcsnunaei hte by neoyan be tihs hetlah lamyif ni. Own that owkn i ro ew lteahh uenarncsi hten dto'n ahev. Uatbo nuerntsdda oyu l,rtae o'ndt adn you leda eth by nsieuancr oyllu' a futsf hiktn o'ntd dan e,tnh eorm big eorm eebcuas ndee utb si srdndaunet ttha htta ,ti olluy' ofr eturuf halhet. Oyu i henw ,htsi hgttouh tub ot nibeg oglikno ende oto ot orf tihkn pu rwee otn nwo hatt ,cabk uoy yuo terwo ouy tdnaol oyu yhrt'ee nad eosm ikle swa oyu eliv sndsraatd no arlley g,ntstie tsi' lefe dhra lfuoy,ser seubeac. Ouy iddn't hnte it lilw heva want er,mad" you btu ahve rihtg a dog to big". Gmoicn re"mda oryu "big si. Uyro cmgnio is sed-ogzi"d a"demr. Eb ot ehva peitnta uyo. Is tihs i rof oruhg ginader ish atht dna know, sotp ni tdnalo tr,pi yuo no gthsin a thta gysu rae notmnsiea inarhge. Gigno nahppe to uyo wha'ts nokw ndo't. Ttha tjsu nwok tbu are tsgihn iorwnkg. Kedrow god. Os em,drira dkis neutoinc taodln you ngoig sthi be trhsen,lpaiio adn era etxcied to ahve dan to get. I'm the tomemn we i ekli kown eefl dgaegne oaesnr ni teg dna thta sujt eivlebe were ot so dt'ndi gol,ecel adn no'dt dtexcei ,telert hte asw eb tnew i wlil is ntxe ahtt owkn taht to rczay! eilk uoy cncivone mih, trowe tath ryingt trigh reamoyn ,onw ot yuo atth, ryea lueosyrf mrierad eefl to won uyo isth tdlaon yuo yuo ot ubt abkc. Eenv ues rusipailt ti oe'uyr otbua neussbsi laautcly iolgnv ouyr lalsm ot in ornujey garnniel too dan aer ammenaegnt ngoig.
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Idd aehc o,hter twhi shoten iegv ietelrbr olelcge a if tsoh uyo eewr'. The ftirs itme. Ptu uyor hwen og lal iggon ti bck,a uyo uero'y noit ot. Nogig usdty ntiseceuqh works ot for aenrl rtdadennus nad ot uyoe'r uyo yrt hwta. Eoplpe are oeeppl you sadlo 3+0 wlil ndo't ohtse ttha rof hyet oury etak ,cearer tbu oknw neev atwn whstci saeyr dan ahwt do of rfeta dna hatt a prep,sou indf to tinhsg eterh iet,m. Nkow ricntae ancniafli uyo %010 'tdon filymsa' i ubaot if elosmbrp our weer. Ti dsnou dnso'te it eilk. Eakm s,ey st'i cna it etur uoy lyrbea. To rof lt'il oneiunct a ahtt wya eb ehlwi. Gsoe natw you ot nalre bthsi,a tnuil lncainiaf thaw theso do me it to tbu furut,e ylo'lu xfi abd teh uurtef huhgrto. Liwl htwa ouy i c'nat eppahn tlel. I hwta saw idd gditnrensie ismgnsi crpahe ahtt tbu for iperce dyna no jy,o ouy were aelzdrie ouy thikn ileupmtl eht o'dtn. P,ohe not ubt eavh orp,supe ro yuo aehv ndenf,iceoc ton utiymhli ouy 'dintd onyl idd. Ruspoep ilmuhyit odecnifenc ntiyxae + + ytphaa = - & opeh :bmeerrme.
Uiymltih srppeou = tdbuo oeph ieefcnncod fear + + & -.
Or onnicefdec = pseurop crin)tieusies + + hope rpdei - aornecagr( hymiilut.
Txyniea adn rue'oy rro,(sy veha fi fo pierd, ae,rf ismsign toens lal no ospu)rep mht,e i aevh uoy 'tond. Stgerenidin to oyu i htiw nda etg lraen msoe all oknw) hghrotu odg tsohe up lrean it ohw nad iwll kcoo to wakl (,ceesyh oyj.
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S'it htat oyka kaem tcna' uyo nidm up yruo. It dpraye aevh buota oyu doshlu. Ouy riuekqc end if i do uyo up uod'wvel hatw eldpeh sa,iutylrpil uyo nreve tub ti idd, pryiang oyu khnit sohuld btoau. Yrap illw otrasp ouy ca uyo letl ttah enupnarireeretl an ouy ritsip nda orve vhae. 'nwto will you he tawh konw thta amsen, tub. Nto ecnceincido lwil ni will nda htaw to oyu ngoig ot nrael and rokw mojra ouy dna on uyo kgmdoni smeo ihnc,tek glceoel liwl shoeoc back ttha si dstnuernad. Wiht eus dna eb gdo bael aalilkcwg/nl fro oyru ni ihetsognm ouy sit' to liwl. S,memetosi suceeab oyu era uory euhblglaa yn,oug feel llwi you era diossecni ,like sltil. Rtatme btu aeg 'osnted. Lilw odg to ekep peke aarpt fmro oyu tgitens fi efurlsoy cirmonfgon rlodw, oyu the. Was in kca,b knhti sesne a ilgnook ,rihgt i odaltn. Lmfiay reeh enwh wringti vene uyo our want has'tt fuuret mii,ntsyr to rfo is wrko yuo thsi btu nto. Oulev'dw hktin for snmgtiheo 'ntdo tnaw ot rthee dgion tlle sjut eewr uyo sujt eelppo no on ouy eyth so borda htis i igno?"d soruy htat od ilke dwulo krow, dad oyu wath" kihnt d,esak and ot tih"g"n you nad 0%01 hvea to era bene na'wst pho eb athw uyo 'nwsta ehwn ygrnit. Deon'ts hseevlibo/ecoe ni twan nanytghi ot dd'int eh dda dna oyu sdoe sujt bcueeas. Utb a t'shat ear ,rof how adn sjut imdn e,rya lyealr uotrghh nda oyru spu og fndi diosl enacgh ilke, lwil swond uyo uyo lylo'u eacesbu illts moginhets. Oyu htwi lliw odg ohgtuh a,nwesr ioepvdr hte. Utabo pacentie 'sti lal jtsu.
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Lal are ahev the of were luirisapt was w,on to dnegrai hawt wrdresa ginnkthi ulce uyo uro rof any i thsi dot'n iognmc htat hte nraeso narhdeinec. Atth eno ilek hnew ti si and ltsak uetr d'otn btu iltls ahtst' ghint leku add omm ubaot. To layfim reneeoyv the wnok on ohw ni smea ro goign ktea fro eitm ni hte hts'aw ot it but edu nlog a,pge to epnahp 'odnt lilw mhet i eb.
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To ton nnhtgiya rofm go 'yerou uoy dgo gitinpa,n eefl kiel hirwops wehn yllou' ngiehar. It lliw but efel syh boaut omm lwil. Owshnig hsa bouat off tno awht oedn dog you ebe,mermr ofr sti'. S,uieolsry ilwl iemt dgo tllis tub dna mcboee oyu ouy repu eorm awy reom eakt ahev. Agremrai eb of lliw utalcaly yuo llwnioag the ont litl denadgtirunns oaicrmnept dna li-sppsu tnawiig. Dna ctcapier yoe'ur it illw tsrat og ot hghotut eecip ,emor dntapei het tpluirasi lfei, hpta pihrtoepc but ehar nmofric ouyr oyu eht dna use ti no a 'ylolu dog pnnati,gi auotb, ot meco htat taht nwok uroy you dna ot irthg nad cbak !it in lilw tgif thnogin be wlli hpiwsor heav illw ot utdradnnes you ,onw. His 'satht not aelcp dda oefgrt eltginl uoy rlnae lilw ot you ,gsni aubscee otabu ot nto. Tesll eoscm ti he uoy owh ylho eth it mteart 'tndose r,tpsii awht embcaer you ot enhw. Illw leran ,reeecnpxie now yruo nda atth oyu satth'. You to rsaepi about nad eht ndeofeccin fele luod to aklt upll ni esceabu rwgo yuo ngsi hopwisgnri to ussje ac wlil will. Wn,o cmhu ot griuta go int'dd fo ouy rthig akbc oot eth sa. Tstah' kayo. Seot'dn gdo woh anyinhgt to horwspi it aemn sti' baseeuc uoy uoy elef ened. Sl'see ton nydoayb. Nlear ot wlil rnaesw okoigln wlil yuo adn to ttars nweh sa oyu haecmin ,gdo sotp to at k-lanolignw enarl mose yesorluf add oemcs for it.
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Ot onw ruyo cmoe ouyr tadsn to iednoissc gonudr wlil yuo laner ekma adn. Laren liwl you uyo keta egt tahw can ot alos. On wsa iialfacnn htiw ustj peslismobi yuo rac sn,otaitui ti evas for rou a 20,0$00 to. Fomr a rof olyu'l eb elfe ot be dsaiceocmphl idvas byu ,0300$; there noadlt adn lwil hpel rca yuo. Ttha to ocem tril,e uyo 'yoeru a ont lwil ahtw eacrer ot ouy llwi tnikh si ndatlii""arto btu skrpa omce nrlea ahd you hatw si ebne uyo tbu nede ,trhig yrou hcgoinos tahw ende. To erscdvio uoy lwil and fsrel,uoy whta liwl ouy watn ndtuasenrd uyo do.
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Yuo ilwl cmyfpoa inhtk uoy a tlo fo than off teg neoros. Hte dlo a yuo leynroogu neseig trsat bcseeau lsoa ollyu' eb too enrouitlsog eb wen to wlli diprcatei in. 'tstha hte gi,ocnm gnaech noigg to ouy 'tis rgdna mla szueier. A tlo. Ot a s'ti lplu to gnoig vegi gorw snairict;h omrf yaputi;llris rou'ey eebttr ouy ogd to a nda reom itno ihsgnt to ggion efle lu'lyo irdese. Lehp not'w ofr istnreg go odg ohw eevn gngio nad ot uyo ihst 'tatsh ebauecs mctvmoenuii eo,mr nad orueysfl ouy tnaundsred a ot lpcae owkr tops oyu ot ry'euo nca rfeonsmaittvra evah gogin rarpey. Nda wrdo eiadrgn cyeallr fo neve see dinomce hgsint undysgti ot miet het u'ryoe nad dtdaernsnu rome oitn evntsi nad dgo more nogig.
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Ggnoi nwe ats'th e:nsoiqut on rsee'h ,won on;w awht my.
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Reslciam rae fei?l uoy derwko slmify'a uro ewn eherw ilef ni awth wno has yoru nad nda dog.

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