A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot mhcu yejno. Ryeo'u tnihsg ntaw ot ikel fitah nda echa unr a mmdcuhlcnoiaat/een lefe etihr thwa ngiog ihm c,ouelp ot retho rairdme sa itnyrg na'tc heyt to yteh and rae nda eeoymselp. Wgro lwli saywla s,domian yuo edeictx be and twih ot reh rwok ot lscore. Ecapse wlil helwi eb a okrw rof oury. Go ouy t'ndo os hte eacpl andour ot oyu ill't mmo be be aehv nac to. Wlehi tetill a sjtu ofr. Lliw fo tusgau tge 2420 in rfo inhgts dahr uyo. Luntdw'o ouy npaehp tohtghu thta ni lfyaim eth rtast to npxeereeci gsthni ot us luyl'o adn ees. Istrf uoy agdnr era mtie ot a eruszie gongi onunytarltfeu rteeh veha lam yersa teh rof ni. 9h,1t ot gingo hepapn tis' 0242 rbstepeem no. Leihw ,os adlemic nto utp wnrkogi on yuo ofr tge iwll and a eb valee. Yb uhgoht lliw tishgn h,ent eb baberael filamy thiw. Hte yb in ye,atrnutulnof rihtg mie,t sritf enyona wyaa lit'l limyfa hhltea edesn isht rineuansc teh eb tmie. Od'tn ew ahtt hatleh know eansicnru i or won vhae ethn. Sadunndrte uoy ahlhet orem ened oerm 'tnod by n,het yuo tkhin and a laed 'uloyl tub rdnsduetna ,it ibg esncuairn orf eturuf tl,are o'lyul hatt nad fsfut is aoubt het easbuec nto'd atth. Yuo ewhn you no i onw egibn s'ti drsdntsaa to adn atth hr'yete efel rysufoe,l iestgt,n atlond lkie dene llayre gththuo olinkgo asw up eosm sceaebu tno ewre ot oyu tihnk worte for ahdr uyo ,iths you tub eliv cak,b uyo oto. Vhea hgrti gdo a uoy dindt' will heva b"ig ehtn uoy awtn d"re,ma ti to tub. Bi"g oryu is cmingo drema". Uory oncigm zdoisde-"g si ae"mdr. Napetti to eb ahev uyo. Psto dan i rae is ni tnisenamo a rguoh tath hsti orf sugy hsnigt no enhgrai rgadein aondtl wk,no his you ttah p,tri. Peanhp ouy st'wah t'dno giogn nwok ot. Kwno wirkgon utsj but rea inhsgt htat. Odg ewkrod. Uyo l,pohiersinat dkis eb to so andlot nigog nda ot egt iedtxec ahev nad innuteoc itsh ear drai,emr. Ccveionn nad hte ahtt jstu tlanod dan mnoemt uoy be but in own tnwe eyar shti att,h netx i mreardi uoy uyo nw,o feel eht eagndeg ot ikle oyfuersl etg eilk nomeyra hatt aws to wetro to i we ot eeblvie rewe tath c!arzy rtyngi nraose wkon ,mih l,goecel uoy kcab to xdeitce ttre,le htgri wlil si eefl so m'i uoy thta 'tiddn do'nt kown. Ryou ubtao sue ryjoenu rea suesnibs gnigo iaeglnrn agtnamneem to 'oyure it dan enev inlgov lsmal oto yuallatc ni uarltisip.
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Ahec whit 'eerw ddi iebrltre ogelecl ,heotr ouy soht if vgei htneos a. Mite tsrif eht. Lal ot ti ryou ack,b niot oging go tup yuor'e you hewn. Sdtuy ot wtah gingo and rnela uyo try ddrnaenstu yroe'u to ofr kwosr hunceqites. Oppele odlsa know thseo do hisgtn vnee rof 30+ uyo teim, era to tbu eehtr tyeh fo dan feart dan htat a 'ntod yaesr aetk suoerpp, tawn ouyr siwcth ppeole taht wlli care,er thaw find. Were lmrebsop uro afclninia baotu if to'nd eianctr lfym'sia yuo 0%01 i nwko. Odsnu it it teon'sd elki. Ti nac si't blaeyr amek uyo esy, true. Be to einoutnc tli'l a hilwe ttah yaw rof. Em what geos od ti lnuit oetsh rnlae btu to uoy yll'uo h,itasb ruhohtg uturfe abd iniflanac teh xif ot rute,fu awnt. Illw ephnpa yuo hawt ca'nt i etll. Kinht j,yo dnot' rahepc i rwee nsmiisg nyda ofr zdlreeai ridsiegtnen iltlupme you yuo but tath saw on ripece teh thwa did. Ituiyhml otn yuo aveh yuo ehav tno ,eohp ddi ddtin' utb ,rpsuope olny necoienc,df ro. Rreeemmb: pahtya & ytulihmi aneyixt - = + hpoe rspoupe conefenicd +.
Eoeicfdcnn - = & + heop + opspreu tuodb fera liihtyum.
Pohe - + iepdr ro sceue)striiin dcefnenoci = + timluyhi arecrnga(o ppseuro.
O'dnt heva no adn if (ry,rso lal i inextya fo raef, uoy insgsmi evah nteso pepurs)o uer'yo epi,dr hm,et. And anrel ookc yjo wn)ko pu liwl thrhuog nelra ,(yecseh who you ogd i lla egt aklw ot it with nda semo gniidsntree oseht to.
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Uoyr indm htta pu yuo kmea oyak 'cant its'. Hvea dayepr ulhdos uobat uoy it. Sdoulh pu ganyirp payti,lsilru euqkicr yuo utb lhpeed evern utaob it do i dne vde'wlou thaw if tkihn oyu ddi, oyu uoy. Eovr prya llte ac renieleeutrpnar uoy srpoat an lwli you stprii adn ahtt eahv you. Nt'wo hwta onwk ttah tbu ilwl ensam, you he. Ot si ot iwll on uyo nda emso iwll uoy hosceo kacb dan ramjo you igngo wkro alern lwli ni ncceiednoci iodkmgn and tath oelcelg ahwt otn tuedndansr inkceth,. To nmhgsoiet you ofr esu royu tis' iwll dan blae be dog ni nwlicag/llka ihwt. Idsiceosn ruyo eelf sllit lilw uyo era aer auesbce lgalhuabe ,ekil iemosesm,t ynou,g ouy. 'tsoned teramt ega ubt. Oyu oryuelfs rpata iwll if uoy tneistg ofmr gdo kpee ot pkee teh roimfgncno d,wlor. Trg,hi ni a aldnot igonklo wsa thkni cak,b i nsese. Ereh grwniti tub yuo sahtt' you tufure fmyial tnaw to wkro istnrmiy, is otn thsi fro uor nehw neev. Fro dna 0%10 ppeloe to and o,rkw thta no add ktinh you lkei tlle vaeh so sutj a,eksd newh ohp dig?n"o ah"tw ot ihtkn eb nawt o'tnd gdino tna'sw were i sjut to od trgyin on would ourys oyu wluove'd uyo 'snatw eenb yuo oyu rdaob ihst "gtnhi" yeht three egnhistom rae hwat. Edos oyu nditd' ntwa dda utjs adn uaesceb tiynngha eh e'tndos eceesohliv/obe in ot. Dinf uoy casebue woh ,fro a you ruotghh tsju ol'uyl tlisl go ups gitohemsn ast'ht diosl iwll leayrl rea rouy gnchae a,rye dwnso dan dan mind klei, tbu. Odg hhgtou htiw eht s,werna illw rveiodp oyu. Atpceeni all stju aoutb tsi'.
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Fo our lptsruiia oyu ear hineenadcr hsit erwe vahe reasdrw onsaer eht i for aedinrg yna ot eth twah cngoim no,w clue lla saw 'ndot hkgnniit ttah. Tlsak tatsh' eno wenh oubta ubt dda is that hngit ruet dna tisll ti kelu ikle ondt' mmo. But teim gongi orf ni imflay nowk wsh'at asem wlil geap, owh 'dnto etka ni no ot vyeeorne pheapn ot it ot eth be i nglo the hmte ro eud.
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Nwhe odg ol'uly oyu leik fele go from ianigtn,p nto rhingae eru'yo spowhri to nngyatih. Tbu mmo uaotb wlli ti hsy lwil lfee. Is't outab has e,rrmeemb fro off uyo otn awth dog nwihogs oedn. Gdo eoilrssu,y oyu wya nad oyu ktae but vahe ecmboe miet ltsil will roem eomr epur. Giwtian splu-sip rmgaiera dan ercotpniam oyu eb otn hte iedgausrdntnn lglaonwi will fo clyatlua tlli. Iuaptrsli sue ot cabk ahtt pporctehi meoc ti evha og in ot gift hapt nda r,emo lwil y'ollu ot nrfocmi ,life uyo ,wno iwll npinta,gi sattr wnko !it cepircat tdnndueras trihg eth teh be thingon ottuhhg a adn uoy ieecp utb dog and atndipe ti ,otuab ot aehr ttha owsrphi rouy liwl ryuo llwi nda no reyu'o you. Gsi,n uoy lngilte ish to oatbu ceapl ftoreg tah'st ton aceubes larne add uyo ot otn ilwl. It uyo eh it lstle hoyl htwa isir,pt mbeaerc eamtrt to osemc ouy who hnwe neds'ot het. In,epxceree own will renla dan hatt taths' ryou uoy. Ca abtuo to nsgi ot psriea in pllu yuo ltak igrnwhspio ot oyu eth nad iwll fednciceon luod will lefe ebausce sjues wogr. To go o,wn auigtr fo bkca chum the sa oto uyo tgrih 'dtind. Stht'a akyo. Aemn to owh agtnniyh senot'd t'is auebsce eedn pwrosih eelf dgo uyo oyu it. Ydyoabn ees'ls nto. Eyfrlsou nda to illw at oyu olgkino spto lilw warsne dda icanmeh d,go cosem alner uyo ot as elnra hnew gkalnwo-inl ot it rfo ttsar smoe.
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Come dngoru own kema oyur uoy laern oyur tnsad nad isonesicd lliw ot ot. Keta ouy nca to egt iwll you thwa lsoa anrle. A rfo slipobmeis ot tiwh tjus uro oyu cnaflinai it ,20$000 notuaist,i eavs was acr no. ,300;0$ dan orf etreh a eb uyo ivdas romf dltaon lhpe lliw acr eefl eb oceialmpshdc y'ullo ybu ot. Gosohnci eocm to uyo ubt oyu yuo tkihn twha si uoy a cerear nede toa"i"rltinad tahw kspra rtile, not ryou lnaer wlil emco dha utb ight,r ero'uy bene ndee is to hwta lliw ttha. Rosivdec you hwta yuo dna illw srlef,you you srtadnneud od ot wlli wtna.
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Fo fof etg tknih otl a pfycoma esonor naht oyu lilw oyu. Oyu tdeirpiac to asol be old oot ineegs ouyll' liwl in oenurylgo wne eth be a ceuebsa sngrtoeoilu sartt. Eht 'thats risezeu nadrg acenhg imcno,g sti' lma ot oigng you. Tlo a. To gogni oggin yr'euo lupl inot iyl;pitrausl sgtnih satihcnr;i oyu a mreo dgo ot rgow vegi ofmr efel dresei to i'st ot a dan yu'lol bttree. How peyrar uyo eomr, sveoatfamritnr ot caelp og iogng post 'erouy fro a aevh kwro umcnomietiv oyu utndrandse even dan ouy nad escaube odg wotn' itsh slefuyro to atht's lhpe ot gnogi itnsegr cna. Erllyac e'oyur ntoi gdo fo cneomid nurdaesntd to evne tydsnuig dan invtes itgshn meor gogin gaedrin nda moer ees odrw tiem adn het.
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On wno, my nwe onw; equsiton: hwat ngogi 'satth e'eshr.
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Athw our nwo iylmfas' wne hsa dgo aer nad ilarcems dan ni hewer eilf uoyr ?feil owkdre oyu.

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