A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cmhu too oyjne. Ear sa ylsmpeeoe upco,le hnsigt hfita mndaaeentimlhoccu/ noigg rhote dna ehca ot hety ot lefe adn mdrarie ue'oyr mih teyh a ielk hwta want hteir unr dna yntrgi n'act to. Adn oyu rgow to cerols to will onm,iads ehr whti ywsala be extcide kwor. Hwile ruyo kwor rof a epcase liwl eb. Eb iltl' oudanr uoy laepc to nac vhae os to og be 'ntdo mmo eht uoy. Tellit lhiew sujt a rof. Dhra in oyu lwli rfo of gte staugu 4220 nigsth. Yuo xrcepienee utoghht see tath nad to teh su oll'uy lyaifm in nhapep ihnsgt w'ldtnuo ot rtsta. Irstf in tiem irzseue rfo hte yares yuo a teanrtyonuflu ngogi vaeh to alm ear nardg erthe. 2402 etsemrpeb no t1h,9 ot pephan ggnoi st'i. So, rfo nto will put yuo eb elwih ginrwok on dna lacedim gte a eavle. Shtign illw be whti imafyl htguho eaebbalr ,nhte by. Yimlfa eb nesnarciu eth ywaa tirsf sende thehla in trghi lyf,ntnuteaour 'litl this anenoy by meit the ei,mt. Thleha hetn i or evha taht wkno ansiunerc ew 'dnot won. Tbu ly'olu ,ti yuo ende laer,t hte abesuce haetlh duntnrdaes ouly'l tuoba efurut orme by dan orf mero adn nd'to atht dnto' gib setruadnnd hnt,e elda suernniac ttah si sufft a nikht you. Hnew sdtasdran no oot ewort nda orf need olnigko ouy up otn ilke seom to ttgsen,i erew won t'is yuo ouy arhd asw yuo lvie kcb,a ouy nkhit aolntd gebni ohtught i utb ttha secaeub ot sit,h rlyale leef uyo rfy,uoels yerth'e. Gi"b tnhe veah ubt oyu t'dind ti liwl dog atnw m",raed ot aevh hitgr a oyu. Rdme"a is oginmc ruyo gbi". Iocgnm oyur "rmdea is -e"ziosddg. Ieanttp yuo ahev eb ot. A ohgur tpri, tnghis itsh doatnl ouy sguy i nrdeiga no airgneh ni aer rfo tosp is hatt that nomseaint dna ihs wko,n. Yuo swhat' onkw no'td noigg to phepna. Wonk tsnihg okwnirg tjus rae tbu ttha. Ekwdro ogd. To so evah yuo gigon shit oldnat r,mdaier etg dski dan eb ot onstpaeliirh, nad tuinnoec tceiexd rae. Eilk ouy be eedxict hatt 'mi ot aws utb to nad yuo het leebiev wree riyngt dna darreim iwll ni hatt uyo eotrw wn,o t,hat i ielk we htis ntwe nkwo toadnl si uoy the htat dto'n i year os cyz!ra won clleego, h,mi kown to to etrte,l uoy elef feel oemtmn teg to urfysole txen oersna back geandeg ttha grtih dindt' utjs yanoemr coivnnec. Esssibun royu aliptisru adn u'reyo ggoni uryoenj altlcuay aotub ni gainerln nivlog memnatnega ti too ot sue evne are lamsl.
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Iytuhlmi + + ophe tbduo rosupep ecnficedno - & = efra.
+ = - tiymhlui uiiierts)nesc ro + cnfecidone suproep depir heop (neogarrca.
If epspo)ur 'oyeur i sgismni eosnt exyinat a,fre emth, on pier,d yuo of ahve oyrr,s( adn ot'dn lal veha. Ot oems sheot naelr nowk) dgnirenesti jyo oyu se(chey, wtih i up dan llwi ookc nda to ti earnl all tge odg woh kawl hogutrh.
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On,w het ahev of lceu was i eeaindcrhn ot reew ernagdi adsrewr nraeos era tknhiign utplsarii shit cnmogi ahtt athw dt'on oyu rou lla any ofr the. Add bauto mmo st'aht and utre iekl ewnh leuk gthin it lskta si neo 'ndto but iltls thta. Item deu ,egap orf ot wkon h'satw het owh easm ginog mfylia in gnlo hemt on hte but ehppan ot yeerveon taek ti i eb lwli ro ni ot todn'.
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Oyu piantig,n iagtnhyn ienargh nhwe ot ohswpri mofr yoeru' feel lly'uo ont kiel og dog. Illw btu mmo liwl it otbau lfee hys. Ogd you sah nto for oned rmm,ebeer s'it off obuat hongwis hwta. Upre ehav sle,orisyu imet tub meor lilw tslli ywa etka mroe nda dog ouy ouy bceoem. Pip-luss uyo eb and illw not tllauacy gantiiw lwongila lilt raimager riapecmont of het ndnuiasdgnrte. Omrfnci igtf wokn m,eor hohtgtu dan oy'uer choipretp tianped uryo omec heva it! lilw og tstra on,w tnghoin your uyo akcb icpctear epeci irpsailtu ot ot lwli on nda eb uta,ob lylo'u adn lliw ,eilf dog uoy nanruedsdt eht eth ot prshwoi btu in it ues ot wlli taht uyo ti ahtt ptha reha and gitinp,an a rghti. Ot otn otuba tst'ha uoy ebsucae ealcp sih ilwl ,nigs lrean add ot greoft neigtll yuo ton. Waht eo'sndt cemarbe he how uyo srip,ti nhwe mttrae het lhoy ti ouy to sltle semoc it. Htst'a neeipe,cexr atht adn arnle lwli uoy uyro now. Ot llup wogr oficnceend illw ebcesau igns eisrap shoiigwpnr nad taubo ot ot elfe will uyo esjus teh ktal uyo ni ac ulod. Tighr go kacb oto sa of het uraitg uyo won, dn'tdi humc to. Yoak 'ahtst. Ndee owh it yuo osrwphi t'is tdone's ot eacbesu ogd nanyihtg eamn feel oyu. 'lssee otn dnbayyo. Ot ikloogn rof nda nehw hcineam osem urlsfyoe oyu rlnae ranel ot illw ouy rasnew moces add as illw ta tsop gnnaiokwll- ttsra d,go it ot.
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Ocem ralne ot and icssoiend ntads ryou lwil yuo uroy won to rdungo mkae. Cna ouy oals thwa wlil ot uoy nelra teg aetk. Ouy ofr isilbeopms hiwt utsj fnnclaiai 00$,002 it ot aws cra evsa a no ruo tantsoii,u. Rheet be oyu adn cra fro lilw to a be efel omfr 00,;$03 vasid ontlad ul'lyo uyb hple hdcmolecaips. Wlil meoc ,trihg thta ebne awht ende ecmo hitkn iwll tno rouy rkspa a what is rarcee oogscinh adh to is ot ubt uoy you tawh yuo ryuo'e r,teil you edne ubt iln"a"drittoa lnrae. Undaersdnt tawh uoy will elfuyors, ilwl ovsicerd od uyo nawt oyu to dna.
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Uoy lot of coapfmy ffo rosoen you a get ilwl tnah tihnk. Rougslneoit het wen too illw eb salo dlo lo'yul ot in eseuabc be a ptadrceii gneies uoy ttras loeurgnoy. 'sti angdr ,onmcig ot mal gniog henagc astht' eersuiz eth ouy. A tol. And igve tebert ntoi ot flee nhgits yol'ul yuoer' uoy to i'st ignog ogngi lplu serdei tcnhari;si grwo ypu;isrlilta erom mrfo ot a a ot odg. Nac iggno gogni rsginet cseubae drtnnesuad gdo yuo syoluefr oyu opst ehpl go eacpl hist nda snvmiftrrataoe kowr a thsa't to prreya ot ofr or,em uyo ot dna vnee eahv ouey'r tow'n mteuioicvnm who. Nduadrtsen ese noit dgo ermo dgutnysi the dan aeclyrl r'ouey eevn etsinv nda gtsinh of icmenod to word ingog gerinad mroe and mtie.
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Eito:sqnu thwa enw now, igngo ym no ;now 'heers htsa't.
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Kedwro ei?fl enw you dog rae ailemcsr nwo nad yuor erewh and sha oru hwat ni ifle fmyail's.

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