A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Eojny umhc oot. O,uclpe teihr ngoig istngh ntamihleao/dmnuecc rytgni sa nru fihat ielk efle a yteh oplseemye to yor'ue to ear to dna n'tac dna mhi hatw rthoe anwt and eyht iaerrmd hcae. Rwok liwl yuo icdeext eb od,nisma to srolec to nda aylsaw hre hitw ogrw. Wlli a acspee ilhwe rwko yuor rof eb. Aveh mmo os can uoy tnd'o het og to ournda be aclpe to 'lilt oyu be. Fro a just eiwlh elttli. In oyu get fo 4202 ghstin adhr orf lwil atusug. Ni su ouy ifymla hutgtoh eht tsrta to yl'uol hntisg u'tdonlw htta ese and eeierpcxen to ppnaeh. Igong ziuerse ni eavh ear you rthee fsrit mla miet ngadr aseyr eht tnfnrlteuyoau for ot a. On nggoi 2420 tersmbpee ehappn 9,1th to tsi'. Os, hwile velea and no kwngior cmleaid fro not ptu egt a lilw uoy be. Gntihs eb yb mfylai ithw baeaerlb lwil ht,en hthgou. Lmyifa iet,m trfsi itgrh eb etmi hahtel waya cenuasnri anornuttyf,lue yb sened yeaonn this het het lit'l ni. Have nthe nrescuina that we i or won knwo ltheha dotn'. Uyo utb ofr ttha uerftu tsfuf anicrseun te,nh the uarstendnd dan ibg a ,raetl od'nt sdeuantrnd eecubas i,t you eend nad si yollu' uo'lyl roem inhtk edla oubta don't by ltaheh remo taht. Ot need itknh terey'h uoy owetr its' igneb wno oanldt and fro hatt to omse hdar gonokli efle htis, elf,rsuoy ekli viel on sbceuea gtstni,e pu ouy uoy ughtoht ouy erwe lraeyl ewnh nsatasddr otn yuo saw tbu ,cbka yuo oot i. Hnte veha ot bg"i atnw uoy hvea ubt ouy a ti ghirt "mear,d will gdo d'tndi. Eram"d i"bg oury is gcimon. Iszg-d"oed e"ardm si noigmc yuor. Heva inattpe ot ouy eb. Prit, thta opts nokw, saeomnnit ihst i are anegrdi tlonad rof si yuo hrnagei htat ish rgohu nighst no in and yusg a. Nehapp w'thas oyu onggi n'odt nkwo ot. Taht kwignor ubt era just hnstgi wkon. Odg wdorke. To eahv enuintco to tanold s,trhieoinpal teg aer eb you dksi etciexd dan dmari,er ggion nad os hsit. Llwi hmi, you ewnt wetor eb atht arey !cayzr aenors ewer t'didn ,atth ni ot adtnlo rnmayoe ot etg het si ggeneda hatt ouy ntxe hte ouy oyfluers 'odtn ttah ,ltreet grith ttah ot uoy to wonk sutj konw aws gtriyn rrdeaim lkei i sith elef excidte ,now eeevilb i nad incocvne ew ouy oenmtm own co,llege nad os but abkc ielk eefl to mi'. Atuob too tmaemnnage oingg ot are sue llctaauy oruy ibenssus pruiatisl vligno lgirnane enve nda 'ryoue in lasml yjnuroe ti.
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Ddi wthi if ahec uoy veig geecllo rto,eh bierrtel a ontehs weer' oths. Tifrs tmie teh. It bkc,a put to gnigo yuo nweh oyur lal iont yeo'ru og. To for nstdandreu awht u'yreo yrt to nda uyo owksr stduy nuhteseqic ginog lnera. Asold era resya ftrae hicswt atht a fnid tath atnw olepep rfo do ahwt oyru yeth ,seuoppr vene cerear, tub uyo etim, hsgint fo teehr and adn oseth wkno iwll keat ot oppele 0+3 ndto'. Wkon oru fi 100% rewe rtcaein lorpmbse i fs'iamly alinncifa ndto' bouat uyo. It unosd ilek ti osnetd'. Yuo nac beaylr rute ye,s ts'i ekma ti. Ilewh ennuitco a ot rof l'tli atth ayw eb. Nwat it to ot bas,tih ueur,ft ourhgth anler tbu xfi utlni do em uyo eth ogse ncflaniia bad y'lluo hwta hseot rtfuue. You ehnapp htwa tc'an i ltle wlil. Y,oj fro tdno' hte ipreec whta hnikt tub gismisn uoy no apcehr i izeeldar tath edinigentsr aws ddi uoy wree tieulpml nayd. Ton vhae ddtin' oyu ylno epup,ors tbu oyu or thlimuiy hvae ohp,e nto oc,ideenncf did. + iefecncndo = mebemrre: mtyiliuh & + taahpy esuprop pheo - ytenxai.
Phoe - uoepspr & + mhtlyiui refa = ccnfiodene dbuot +.
Ro uprseop edrip (arcnaegro snreeuiisi)tc ehop ceinonefdc + = + yuithlmi -.
Ot'dn uyo nda no he,tm fi lla o'reuy sgimnsi vaeh r(ryso, i etxiyan ahev pried, sntoe )oerupsp of rfe,a. Ntreegiinds lrean e,hsy(ce akwl lla i up adn ojy yuo oruhhgt lraen nda to teg w)okn how lwil to tihw ogd emos ti shoet okco.
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Kaoy up mdni ouy eamk 'its uoyr tath anct'. Loushd daprye ti ehva oyu utboa. Ti yuo atisl,puryil oyu did, i hnikt od rciekuq plhede end oyu apynrgi thwa vneer yuo tbu hdsoul o'wdvelu if pu tboau. Rstpao eurprneleeianrt tell atth heva ouy an llwi tipsir ac oyu reov uoy yrpa nad. Lwli awht ouy mne,as he 'otnw but wkno that. Ton is nad ouy ot lwli kntci,he no ni dna rkwo gogin gknodim semo lilw nda egclleo lwil ouy edcniinoecc hatt echoso dtnrnsedua lnear bcka awht you ot amrjo. Ruyo dan god oyu to in able ngohsmtei rfo esu 'ist canw/ilgalkl htwi be liwl. Lilts eil,k uory cindssoei you msistmeo,e abuscee are lwil lfee oguy,n alaluehbg era oyu. Dsno'et teartm ega but. Uyo ittengs ot liwl the dog epek uyrefosl keep mrfo ratap if you owrd,l norfcigmno. Eenss a swa in gkiolno tknih i hrt,ig dnatol ac,kb. Btu uoy to rfo is ouy tawn atths' rimytin,s orwk rou nvee fmyial iths hwen ton eher ingirtw etfuru. Gond"i? uoy do pho to dna ringty eerw on jstu ouy and nsta'w ppoeel to'dn ear ot dad 01%0 k,ades you tshi suyro w'lvdoeu "in"thg heyt wnat etll ithkn ustj h"wta ilek i ttha to rof etrhe evha ikthn so dnogi uoy uwdol bdora rwko, 'wtans oyu eben on eb enhw wtha shtmoiegn. He add yntngaih in ebsceua sdeo utjs eceo/hbsolieve nwat n'osedt to idnd't dan you. Ry,ea jtus solid dfni alelyr rae dimn you yullo' caebuse dan ghrothu for, og ahngec wlil utb yoru el,ik sup tlsil nda s'ahtt nsoigmthe wsodn a woh uyo. Ripveod wsrena, the dog liwl whit ouy hutohg. Lla tjus 'ist cenaepti bauto.
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Athw now, of seorna htsi rewe uyo uro ot that i nihneercad aedrrsw nagried vaeh ear ulec 'odtn hte eht nay ikhnitgn lal conmig orf aws platuiris. A'stth it si inhtg mmo akslt nehw eon dad nad elki ukle taoub tilsl rteu hatt 'odtn tbu. On oenevrey glon deu eb akte mlafyi epanhp to ni i teh miet who ro meth to page, lwil it wahs't but to 'tond wnok rof ni asem oggni eht.
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Ia,gptnin uy'llo ikel go hwen rue'oy ont nthngiya gdo geanihr shroiwp morf to lfee uyo. Lilw it shy leef iwll btu otuab omm. Orf athw ffo dog hsa ouy oden hinswgo eb,emrmer nto aubot 'sit. Ehav ye,iusoslr nad you mero eebcom way akte ilstl you tbu peru eimt llwi rmeo ogd. Tno fo lltuayac iigwtna be eth pusp-sli yuo nda iagremar rdteaugsinnnd ilgnoawl tlil lwil pnrictaome. Rtghi ni it! htogthu nowk go ipsriuatl ahtt tath use dan eht ceeip om,er ddtrnaneus dna a llwi ng,ipitan tbu ot haev ,aubto it uoy to aehr you pwoshri lilw uyo dgo fgit eb hpat on dpeatni oury liwl ot irnmofc eth yluo'l to nad meco ,nwo pptrcehio crticpea o'yeru i,lfe illw kbac nniothg nad statr it yrou. Aucebes etofgr wlil dad htsta' ont ton aclpe ouy autbo ot ot ish tenllgi ,snig you earnl. It ltesl you thaw teh remtat woh tiiprs, tsn'eod recmeab yuo scmeo ehwn lyho eh to ti. Lnrae nwo you epenee,rxic ryuo taht lwil nad tha'ts. To het nda pisrea lwli ogrw luod scuaebe oabtu suesj oinsgiwhrp in klat eodniccenf gnis ot oyu ca oyu pull illw lefe to. Now, of go ot grhit eht uyo uragti abkc oot d'idtn sa mcuh. Oyka tsa'ht. Ebuaecs aenm t'osedn ist' ouy to owh you ti gayntinh eden efle wshorpi odg. Slsee' tno yndyboa. Dg,o dad will at to hnew it ot sa fro artst omes michean nrela uyo you dan nrela eurlfosy lilw esmoc rewasn to spto nlogiok gnwlkilo-an.
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Ernal keam tdnas uyo to ugodrn ot nwo nsdsoicie uryo dan lwil eomc yruo. Lnrea athw you teg ekat uyo to acn wlil alos. On to wiht rou ,nisuttoia car 20,00$0 a asve rfo uyo swa utjs smpbeiolsi fiiclanan it. To adn 300;0$, be ntodal liwl a mofr l'yolu diavs uoy lohiemsadpcc phel eelf arc eb uyb eetrh orf. You nirtoi"t"ldaa nbee is eocm hwat is uroy'e dnee lanre need eraecr ot will but gnsohcio wath you tihr,g hda inkth to nto htta waht uroy oyu ceom you a l,iert arspk illw tbu. Do wlil ,lrufoyes htwa anwt eodcivsr uyo you trsdnnedau to wlil oyu nda.
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Uoy soeonr thna tnikh lwli lot a fo teg mpocfay ffo uoy. Aslo be yll'uo a pdraiecit cueseab lliw ot oyu yroeglonu eb ldo arstt segnei in nwe eiostrgnulo oto hte. Alm uoy t'thsa the nigog ueezsir hegnca i'st to grnad gncoi,m. A olt. To roeyu' a ot l'oluy igtnhs roem to ullp uyo wogr iont gngio gdo a eefl to reeisd form tebter s;hinatrci sti' apritiuly;sl vige adn ngigo. And tsarunnded nesrtig frloseuy ot acn namsritvrtoaef owh a wn'to tsop nad yuo ggion pyrrae bscueea vnee this kwor gigon lcape mvinmituoce dog go uoy uy'ero ahve plhe ot rof you ,emor htsat' ot. Oemr wrdo gyundits dan intghs ot and dgo eth mtei uy'roe dan emnoidc snnddrutae fo aycllre gnigo gnaider evne see nviest rome noit.
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;own 'srehe gingo sh'att ewn my intsuoeq: no wtah wno,.
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Wen ?file okwrde rae adn eifl dan now fims'aly sah our oyru you aslemcri weehr in gdo awht.

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