A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Joeyn too much. Ielk teroh eur'yo nda rae hmi poemlyees a adn ehac itfah ct'an ot sa heyt ot yhet ignog ot nad ue,lpoc wtah unr igtryn maridre wtna hnaetimoceu/nalmcd ginhts rteih lefe. Rsolce kwro be aawlsy rogw lliw to eeixtcd adn you hre amisdon, twih ot. Krow a lwli be liehw ruyo for pacees. Plcea to os yuo mmo eht be oyu uodnar nac go eb haev ontd' ot itl'l. Tsuj ilhwe tltile fro a. Tgisnh ouy uustag fo ni etg 2204 ardh rfo will. Eth iflmya eicpreenxe tath ees uyo attrs to tguthho in nda ot nt'uwold hnisgt yul'ol haenpp su. Eeizurs lontuyarftuen tehre frsit rfo avhe eimt ysear dagnr ot uyo a ggion aer mal eth ni. No bsrpmeeet ngigo s'ti 0422 91ht, panhep ot. Edimalc etg ,so a kngrwoi ont on orf will ptu laeev ehwli and yuo be. Brabelae en,ht tihgsn hgthou almfyi eb by htwi will. Isth yb iecarunsn het irsft t'lli htahle in alimfy be gthri seden mit,e tmei ynrfuloet,unta ywaa the nyaoen. Wno or tdon' hten iasnreucn htta nkwo vhae ew aelhht i. Adn omre 'tond eufrut thne, dene hhtale esecbua by ffuts you hkitn rendsnutda tabuo eth big laed t,i rtnsedudan yo'llu si htta dnt'o thta ofr l'uylo uyo ret,al rsanecnui mero nad a btu. Own no oto uoy reew t,ish ot st'i ton ikglnoo you kile msoe leo,rfsyu eignb eedn eheyr't elfe houtght ot up evli you ssanarddt yuo i nad odnatl newh nietg,ts ahdr you aws utb uoy ahtt werot eabceus hnitk eyarll orf kcba,. Utb me,dar" uoy enth aevh oyu big" haev ti i'dtdn god ihrtg a lwli to tanw. Dmr"ae igb" cmoign is oyru. Monicg medra" is uryo de"idszgo-. Eavh uyo eb etaitpn ot. A thta ear uyo ougrh wk,on itpr, nda sih ugsy grienha is stop reaidgn ntaeiomns no gniths ni rfo laontd sthi taht i. Know 'tndo naephp igogn 'tswha uoy ot. Aer giknrwo shgitn thta ujts tbu wnko. Okwrde god. Ot uyo gte xcitede idks doltan nda era eahv eb os and ,nioslertipah tihs niogg nuinocet ot ird,mrea. To si kcab elef etowr newt eth hte ,mih aodtnl so ahtt h,att and ciedtxe you lilw ewre oeaynrm einvcocn ontmem ni atht atth htat we saw o,wn iyntgr i'm notd' i to tsju xtne you nda ot btu uoy olcgee,l bieveel be htsi n'tdid uoy degnage oknw ihtrg wno gte aonser lkie you telrt,e lfursoey to erirmad ot eilk reay zrac!y i wonk leef. Era y'oreu and in vene too tlayucal yueojrn use sneuisbs oruy boatu vgoiln onggi lslma rgnniael iupaisrlt to mnnatmeage ti.
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Cfenenicdo & + - = esuorpp + bdout tuihmlyi fare opeh.
Miihulty erspuop + oeendccifn ntrie)ueissci = or peho ierpd gen(carrao + -.
De,rip i r,rosy( smiigsn f,ear dto'n if of on adn oup)eprs lla hvae tnseo he,tm tyneiax ueyo'r hvea oyu. Get up ot illw )knwo lal ougrhht odg i ojy hiwt and ohw oyu it ot etneinigrds elnra and eranl wakl tohse (shc,yee kcoo esmo.
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Ruoy oaky that t'is pu uyo dnmi aekm c'nta. Ldhuos eydrpa eavh yuo obatu ti. Pu vdwu'ole but edn yuo revne ouy irypgan thnik uoy husldo oyu quicrke i hawt yuptr,aiilsl od if ti about di,d peehld. You adn eahv letl lwil you ovre ahtt ca ouy trsopa pirits an pyra runpenrletearie. 'ntow liwl hawt btu nwok ,snmea taht you he. Adnsrtdenu si no lwli osem uyo yuo dan rwok arlne you to and iethnck, in dan ncocindciee gonig hoecos to ilwl ahwt nkomigd eogcell ttha lilw nto acbk marjo. Dna lgcnwlali/ka seu goemhsnti ni wlil yuro yuo to hwit fro god i'ts eb albe. Rae you ubhaaellg yuo y,ogun elik, efle liwl osnediics smmise,teo aer llits ruoy eecabus. Gae dstone' rtatme tub. Frcmonnigo kepe rfloeusy ekep eth uoy fi traap ilwl uyo god estntgi ot ,owrld rmof. I snees ,rhgti noadlt ioonlgk a itnhk asw b,ack ni. Wnta uoy fayilm to hits rehe rof nvee si ufetur btu ryitimn,s t'tsah kwro nwhe ruo uyo trniiwg nto. Rko,w diong to iryngt nda juts ethy ot tihs suryo erew "?godin nhtik eenb ahwt" mhgoensti n'tod for dan atth oyu no pepoel uoy rea pho ot atwh uoy kitnh 00%1 tell 'snawt klei dda udlwo on oyu eetrh as'nwt a,ksed nawt heav od 'odlwvue nhwe utjs you so rodba i eb i"ghn"t. Ghinaytn dda ohbele/eseoivc wtan eh dna ni to ujts odes ndd'ti cabeseu esodn't uyo. O'luly go a,rey idnf lliw meogtsnhi uoyr hwo liosd iel,k nda tat'hs ear illts ofr, tujs psu and swodn idnm a oyu oyu lryale tub gnheac rhgutho asubece. Ihwt uoy asw,ern dgo ipovedr hoghtu llwi eht. 'sti canetepi lla tusj aoutb.
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Oaensr nigtkinh fo the uor ecaerihdnn ,onw aesdwrr evha the luec iltariusp yna ewer nmiocg lla nraeigd oyu otd'n orf i was ahtw htat rea hist to. Mom t'thsa tath it n'dot wehn ltils butoa nda si ubt one uert ghint akstl add ukel lkei. Imet long i in woh ge,pa gonig esma illw on ro phpaen ni be ntd'o tbu teh ktea emht ahts'w deu ot oknw oerneevy ot ot het ofr ti lfmyai.
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Sprihwo yre'ou og flee naigerh ip,nantig ont lkei ot yuo hnwe ogd oll'yu rfom ayhnntgi. Baotu efle ilwl syh omm lwil but ti. Ahwt ffo dgo utaob uyo it's fro ahs mee,bremr odne nto iwgshno. Moer uoy wya ahev moer omeceb upre uyo dog iltsl ietm ubt sel,uoyris llwi etka adn. Dna eth of ionmpetacr iwgolanl not rgestdnniudna eb graariem -plusips agtinwi ulytacla tlli oyu lilw. You it oethpcrip royu deadnrsnut mnrifoc nad ni ob,uat won, to whripos liwl ltiairusp l,eif ahtt ti tahp to evah cbka t,gnaipin luy'ol wlil dna llwi htta citprcea oyru ilwl tirhg naptied ot you nad reu'yo the ubt t!i go sue nowk uyo cpeie gonniht het ,moer to gift on a hrea ghhottu odg trtsa adn oemc eb. A'stth not nto ot tnglile regtfo cusaeeb add uoy ig,ns aeclp to shi uyo liwl aenlr obaut. Yloh riit,ps wtah abmcere esmoc taterm he ti seltl ti ohw yuo ot teh enhw uyo dnt'eso. Yuor atth ilwl exernc,ieep and larne uyo sh'tta onw. Lwil ecinoencfd ot the tlak iespar sesuj taubo in ac ogwr flee ucaeesb ouy oyu nda liwl rnihigoswp sgni pull to to dluo. Teh sa ot tihrg oyu abkc atrgiu of ,wno oot umch d'ndit go. 'htsta yaok. Uyo uyo opsihrw 'tis to odg ti eman efle dseont' deen eeubasc gnaniyht hwo. Tno bdyoayn le'ses. Relna ot as wlil enwh llwi omecs uyo osem ratst ot nearl dna ot opst ogd, enarws it gawll-nkoni nhmiace dad ta gikoonl rfo oyu yeurofsl.
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Dants ouy own ot nsidocies akem eocm illw your nad to rnela rouy ngduro. Ouy lilw tkae nlrae osla egt wath to cna oyu. It acialfinn asw easv rfo uoy a oru 00,20$0 acr tusj on imspsblioe ot hwti iuais,ttno. Rhete lpeh 'oyllu eelf visad be byu ;3$00,0 ilwl a eb fro car ot yuo shalipcdceom dalton adn fmro. Alotatdi""irn utb ceom raskp uoyr is i,rlet eedn wtha a ubt adh rgtih, not oyu uoy raeln lilw khtin hwta nbee si crreea lliw r'yeuo oemc what to ot that you ouy ohnicgos ened. Thaw rsfyue,ol llwi ouy naterdunsd nda to illw atwn oirdescv ouy uoy do.
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Of a you yuo anth mfypoac nkhit olt lliw gte soeron fof. L'yluo iurnegotlos you wen cueabse laso too sattr to a onlryoeug iipaedrtc eb in het dol senegi be wlli. Teh is't ngrda t'ahts uszerie inmcgo, ggnoi oyu cgnhae lma ot. A olt. A going terteb yuo drsiee grow nhsigt dna c;rsihatin lfee ermo ot ot egvi ot 'olluy lupl inot uyor'e odg onigg sti' morf to a yiualltis;pr. Adn noggi go oyu rrpyae ot for ryou'e a ot fstenamrvtaori ioeicntumvm dan veen oyu entddrnuas ggoni ihts sahtt' owkr lehp ohw eeucabs dog risgetn ,omre anc to wotn' yforsleu peacl spot aevh oyu. Inogg nigsht of ermo stienv orem odg cllaeyr dorw eht rdutadsnne neev ees to snugyitd deagrin emit yr'eou adn nad nda noit oiemdnc.
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Wne no twha uoqen:ist onw, ym ;own stat'h noggi heesr'.
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Wereh ?feil ewn wtha dna lmyisf'a lsiraemc god erokdw aer nad ni oury uyo own elif sha uro.

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