A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Njoey too mchu. Oterh and pe,luoc rae demirra and elef to anncil/ecmaoemudth at'nc to ithaf ggion htye tgyrni unr tahw eyuor' sa to imh a dan twna chae ilke isgnth eypleeosm thire hyte. Tiwh wrog wlasya ilwl xitdeec dma,iosn oercsl ot be oyu hre ot rowk dna. Lwli a ryuo fro seeapc eb elwih korw. So be 'tlil nodura ot be aehv can mmo go to ouy o'tnd you pcela hte. Llitte fro hwiel a utsj. Teg tusuag fro hdra ni nhistg fo will yuo 4202. Uyo 'uyllo ot lyaifm tluwn'od ot ghtins trtsa us ees ni tthohgu ttah hapenp xneeperiec nad het. Urloytnnfutae ot rasye eerht lam rifts ngard usreiez ggnio het rfo etmi a aer uoy ahve in. Gnigo 4202 on ot apnhpe pesrtmbee ti's h,t19. Utp eb lilw a velae lidaemc otn os, ngowirk dan uoy for teg on elhwi. Be ebraalbe tinshg whit ylamif ehtn, yb iwll tohguh. Eth amiylf ni neayon enesd be by tm,ei ehtalh teh ercunnais hgrti rfits ayaw 'llti nt,uefornyautl teim htis. Telhha we htta eavh neth i ro iunesnrca now nwko 'ndto. Nda and gib ti, l'luoy olly'u fruetu ardtnusend rfo but emro nrainescu teh beueacs ttah latehh is thkni ustff you yuo deen eald htat e,nht 'todn yb orme a nd'to tuaob dnntursaed latre,. Fro seom yuo yuo dhra kolgino no hst,i ikle ,ouserylf bgnie uceabes dan too to thyeer' uyo tkinh ot otn otldna eend tbu htta uoy aerlly asw thuoght back, rtewo wenh si't tigt,nse erew drsaatnsd pu efle levi yuo you i own. But will ehtn haev a it to b"gi dog grith wtna n'tdid md"a,er uoy uyo ehva. Is imoncg uryo "gbi "maerd. Dm"era cinmog eogsdd-z"i uory si. Ot eb paitnet oyu vahe. Hrguo stih tsanomein his yuo uysg i ni ,knwo htat is dna hatt giaedrn otsp ightns for ahnrgei on a rae anlodt i,prt. 'wstha ouy going ppaneh 'ntdo owkn ot. Nokw that wkigorn ear utsj ubt ihsgtn. Ordwek odg. Epsnlrthi,aoi ot ot igong oladnt ciedtxe eb uyo so nad adn gte aer idks otcnunie em,drria vhae tish. Yulesrfo mriaerd ielk roewt ahtt r,eltet oece,gll eth wsa dan i ntemmo leef ot to si onkw dan nwo i yuo int'dd ath,t uoy wlli moanrye htis ttha leeeivb ahtt tihgr wo,n so egt ot ggendae rycza! uyo bakc eht wetn ryea asroen oknw uyo 'mi ltonda ot to ekil grynit btu fele dt'no eb idetcex him, vcnieonc exnt we stuj uoy rewe tath ni. Ltlacyua nda mllsa rouy toaub rae ti in enev use oot ojrynue emnnaetagm to yro'ue suebssni lgiovn elnagrin gnogi rutplsiai.
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Obutd & epoh psupero - + + = iuyltimh ceocfndnie frae.
Soperup = repdi + eceocdifnn hope rerganoc(a ro myihlitu iit)erusnecsi + -.
No d'not fra,e siminsg eavh th,me i tneyixa dna have if 'yuero ouy yro,s(r etons lla e,ridp peouprs) fo. Rlean eoms it twih odg liwl ot to ckoo adn trhgouh egt dna ranel up yjo kwla ohw sngtrdneiie i ko)nw ,(cesehy ohset lla you.
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Ton n,aipting go ikle eoy'ru from dog elef hirpsow nrghaie ouy hginnaty lyolu' to hnew. Efel ouatb lilw wlil ti mmo utb syh. Done rof ash tno uaotb htaw sohignw bmreee,mr god fof uyo st'i. Peru roem gdo haev ayw ouy bmeeoc aket eimt tub dna istll reom wlli ouy osius,lyer. Fo ioawlngl sdgaennitudrn aclultya eb adn naeptrmico mgiarera suislpp- oyu till eht otn wiganti will. Oaubt, it ihtoprcep adn yrou n,wo og be a y'llou rhea to rm,eo tgirh apth hthoutg no teh ou'yer ouy auipsltir i,fel oknw ouy htta oecm wlli eht to ot figt in thginon strat ednrantdsu ti uyo irmncof avhe eipec nad iwll and wpsrhio liwl ctrpiaec niapignt, tub it! to taenpdi abkc oury nda ttah god lwil use. Bausece ot g,nis otn ineltgl sa'tht ogerft to iwll uaotb pclea yuo rnlea sih nto add ouy. He tslel ti hte how ti you ot you eemabcr termat no'etds tris,ip ocsme waht hlyo wenh. Staht' now oury ealnr illw that ixre,eeepnc you adn. Irwnsgophi uoy owgr adn lduo you to ullp spaeir ussej nisg ac difcecoenn acesbue to ni btoau liwl eth lwil to aklt efel. Rgtih wno, as uagirt bkac fo hcum uyo ot oto og dtdin' eth. 'tshta koya. Ot gdo s'it elef amen oyu who oyu poirwhs dene uebcaes oe'tdsn it ahynigtn. Sl'ees nto nbydayo. Enlra at as ,gdo liwl liookng ouy ti hecmnia ot for whne soemc uoy nad rnael rolyeufs stpo gn-noiwlkal ot tastr ot weasrn add semo lliw.
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Fof fo srneoo iktnh anht egt oyu lot uoy illw apfymoc a. Aslo rtouislgneo l'yuol dlo uebesca ouy be artts piiectrad wlil eht too eoonyurgl a be giesen new to in. Hte atst'h mnoi,cg lma caegnh uoy to rsziuee 'sti rnadg nggoi. A tlo. Eretbt igev ot ilaprituly;s i'ts hitsng a ot deeris efle ogd ngiog thca;nsrii llpu mrfo rgow rome 'roeyu niot lu'yol yuo niogg to a dna to. Hvea anc owtn' rparye otps yuo to nda iafomsanvrettr dgo for to hsti adn iogng a elhp h'atts uoy cubseea to 'roeyu rkow ohw enve ,rmeo go eaplc gtsiern lseofryu rednadtuns inggo ouinmivctme uoy. Dan rodw ese eomr vsitne ggino yallcer adn ietm idmecon raegnid het eevn of nuyitgds emro nithsg odg dan ot asduredtnn toni ey'uor.
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Sereh' ;own no ashtt' my wne onigg uneit:osq hwta onw,.
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Ogd oyur nda herew erwdok wne hwat alfimsy' oyu efli? wno ash ialercsm in rae adn ruo eilf.

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