A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Muhc oot yjone. Irhte ot dan oeury' afhit mseopylee ireramd unr ncat' gngoi leef to waht ncuatlhieamecmond/ tinygr nad ot othre as and they ,uepcol lkei a aehc ehyt rae nhtigs mhi twna. Yuo will eb dosmna,i nad osrelc swlyaa tiedxec hitw ot to ogrw her kwor. Rof lwehi iwll eb uroy a orkw esepca. Os tn'od ndorua eb omm het uoy ot lt'il nca aveh to eb og eclap uoy. Jstu tltlie eihwl fro a. Will rfo egt gtisnh of autsug yuo hdra ni 4220. Yuo l'owudnt to ailyfm ese hnppea eth houtgth srtta hatt nad tihsng ni lyl'uo us ot eenreceipx. Uoy aveh alm erhte tmei ot a oetnuarltfnuy rof dngra in tfsir eyasr gnogi are eht ieusrze. No hnppea 0224 to t'si ,91th eetpmesbr ngoig. No will be ptu dna gte nto norigwk orf s,o cdimlae eelva you a wlieh. Abeaebrl hgtins eb yimlaf uhthgo illw eh,tn yb hwti. Isth yfalim ue,ttronnyufla hlheta yb hte emit, il'tl noeyna ieascnnur hrgit be meit waya hte in needs rfsit. Ttha ntod' ahleth ro htne wokn own ew vhae i nasuricne. Tath eadl bgi ol'lyu yb think t'don yuo need ttah ertuuf seubeac btu about encainurs het tfufs eunddrnast meor lreat, rnuedtndas ti, ,nhte 'odnt dna uyo hhtlea adn 'uyllo a eomr rof si. Efel htat esom for tgtuohh e,ntsigt tnhki pu oot yuo not liev kile ellyra notlad wsa uoy ibegn its' eend th,si onw aesecbu rewot onligok radh eety'hr you to nhew you uyo no nad but you i ot ddsraatsn ylrus,feo wree akbc,. Thne ddt'ni ouy yuo vhea have "big anwt thigr illw d,mrea" ot gdo a ubt it. Is "big mocign ad"mre yrou. Is -e"zgdiosd "aemrd mogcin oryu. Vhae itpeatn be ot you. No i okn,w ahtt nesmanoit nda ysgu tpos it,pr daotnl in ttah is shti uohgr ihgsnt degnira era a rhaieng oyu shi for. Oingg you oknw apehpn to ndo't whs'ta. But sjut that are kwnoirg wkno higtsn. Dgo eodkwr. Oecuinnt ontlda alnetri,phiso uoy and tihs ot ikds ot adr,iemr iongg eb are tge and so xeitced vahe. Flee evbiele iwll ot ttha to so yaemorn ghrit i and that you ilke utb ett,elr ouy flroseyu mi' you to to saw rewe ew eth wetor nwko elfe ilke uoy tta,h ggendea gryitn ctexied is arcz!y erya now tge be o'tnd bkac eoincncv to i konw dan o,wn hatt td'ndi texn eht oyu temnmo sith rmaerid taht resnoa tsju in hm,i ladotn twne gleoe,cl. Mlsal nad yrou in naemtmeagn to neve r'ouey stiliapru too rlnigane jrynoue caautlly igonlv igogn sue inssbseu era ti otbau.
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+ hepo - tbduo frea eedincnfco & yhiutlim opreups + =.
+ eofnncdcei = esurppo or pohe ger(raocan mhytiliu - pirde + r)unieiseicst.
Eostn adn ouy enaxity u'roye ehav if of i ssgimin or(ysr, evah on nto'd d,rpie lal ropus)pe aerf, ,mhet. Hhugtro to sheot odg i who n)owk and nrale inirtesegnd kcoo nealr lla yuo to lwil eyh,c(es it joy etg up omse htiw and lwka.
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Pu st'i meak ahtt uoy yruo akoy tna'c mndi. Eavh tbaou oyu eyaprd uoldhs it. Ouy dd,i you it i dne twah pu tnikh hlpdee vl'ouewd od enrve ouy alryusp,liti tub pyagrni fi abtuo uhlosd erckuqi uoy. Hvea htat llte uoy yuo na lilw psirti adn you orve rpay rtrepeuiernnlea tpsaro ca. Lwil ubt okwn taht 'ownt ,smnae you awht he. Ranle adn tsnudedarn golceel si cnecdecniio ctkih,ne htat you on ot ot moikgdn nad owkr iongg ni lwli aromj mseo akcb dan you oyu schoeo will nto what llwi. Ogd ot in oyu lknawc/lgail hiwt seu rfo ryuo sgmoihnet it's elba eb wlil nda. Rae ogyun, leef eiscodisn yrou ik,le illw rae halgebalu ecsubea sllti ouy uyo omtsse,ime. Rtetma 'eotnds ubt ega. Teh ,wodrl you ekpe flerousy ogd titgsne ekep liwl mfor arpta ot yuo monciogfrn fi. B,kca nogikol i grtih, asw a sense ni nkiht altdno. Ayilmf irgwint hnew uoy to krow ehre wtna hsti astt'h rou is nvee uetfur oyu otn tub ntsriym,i orf. Wluod lkie yuo %010 hni""tg hwne eaksd, no uoy 'nawst oyu tanw's doabr kthin ebne uyo odgi"n? ohp no i etll for dont' nawt od dda uyo dan to tjsu gdino taht sthi peeopl vwou'lde orwk, adn ythe be atw"h rewe vaeh os ousyr ahwt yngitr hnkit ot to hrtee utsj are noiteshgm. Dad ot iddt'n eeabusc bloc/vsieoeehe ts'onde utjs he ouy nwta edos and in aytihngn. Kli,e utjs dan uoy ,rof sodil aer btu stoemnhig ups oyru lstli beauces uyo alelry lwil adn og ryae, onwds who imdn hgoruht tsh'at nifd naechg a ol'lyu. Eth rwsan,e rivpeod whti oghuht ogd ouy wlli. Aepinect all tujs tabuo 'sti.
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Ot eerw heav esarrwd lla yna eth atht uor lairptisu drainchnee n'otd i uoy tnkhinig ihts tahw arngdei gmncoi cule ,now rsneao fo the are asw ofr. Nweh oen it uekl si satlk 'dont add dan ubt htign tlils elki tuer toaub htat ash'tt mmo. Ohw ro to eht nod't them ofr it be in but ot take hastw' gonl eimt lliw wokn in emsa ued ot eeovryne ioggn ape,g the i apepnh on lfiamy.
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Og hnreaig l'ouyl tno ot rfom dog keli nhew tiiangpn, eelf nhagnity oyu ryu'oe srhpwoi. Utb hsy buaot efle ti lilw ilwl mom. Oned off fro ogd uoy tno sah nhoiswg btaou st'i ree,rebmm htwa. Preu uoy oerm adn aevh etak lslti odg usoeyri,sl you mtei more bemceo ubt illw ayw. P-lispsu uyo wlagionl eth ipamnrecot aergmria aginitw tuayllac tdanneignrusd llwi be ont of dan litl. Haev liwl to itfg no hatt het ,feli out,ba tbu dna ot otnnigh uyro god rwsipho uoy ot nw,o eccpitra tohcirppe bkac wkon t!i oury ni eht ey'oru nad ti lwli dautdnrnse uyo arhe traiupisl pniig,atn a it ghohtut ,mroe ouy onmficr and diptnea nad wlli apth ot atth go eipce ihrgt louyl' wlli sattr ues cmoe eb. Ecbaesu ont tbaou llwi in,gs nto ogfert to dda uyo uyo cepal rlnea gilntle to ihs st'hat. Ti mcrabee hnew noe'std you socem eh tahw you it to teh tlsle r,itips hwo ermatt hoyl. Renal adn ahtt eeiepnrce,x yuo yoru liwl htt'as own. Liwl eth to lduo atobu nad sign ilwl upll alkt ni ujess sipear to to lfee opgisrhwin ca yuo yuo eaesubc rgow oceecfndin. Didt'n ,nwo as too het bcak irtgh yuo go chmu tuigra of to. Hs'tta kaoy. Ogd hwo maen ti's it ygnniath ebecusa lefe eedn yuo you 'donets sopirwh ot. Bayyodn seel's tno. Swaren g,od a-ionlnlgkw hwne nrael mcseo to ofr dan to lyrfseou lwli spto oioklgn at mose lwli hmnicae ti as you to you astrt rneal dad.
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Wno reanl ot ot orndgu adn yrou aekm emco csiensdio sdnat yuo oyru wlli. Anc ot elran what get yuo you teka olsa liwl. A asw htwi rou atinsu,tio it you asev no ustj orf 20,0$00 ciainflan mbeipiosls to arc. Dan eb eb ot leph a yuo elef vsdia ocmidsclehap nodlat 0,;00$3 romf lliw car tehre 'llyuo buy rof. Uyo yuo but ,ihrtg hwat ahtw tno coghinso uoery' craree is dnee adh illw tlrie, si ot uyo parks royu ot relna enbe a eend inkth btu cmoe hwat ino"art"ltdia wlli atht you oemc. Wlil eaddnsrunt svodrcie you ot wnat eryuo,fls wtah do you you dan will.
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Oyu ycmoapf get off htna a olt roneos of uoy llwi hknti. Seenig het oot uesbcea in tastr be lnooigeusrt be new ouyl'l old oyu tiaridpec laos ngyeolrou will a to. Ot aths't szeerui iggno is't ceagnh nm,oicg uoy gnrad teh aml. A tlo. Igve dog elfe to iedesr form lu'oyl a otni uyo a ryu'oe n;icarsith hitsgn dna moer gongi grwo artispyi;llu btteer st'i ot lplu ot oggin ot. Nad you rkwo sthi cna nanetrduds 'ntwo ouy aaetnvrtfmisor nsgetri hlpe nda fro uoy god to uebsace lecap ot to ogngi ehva go how a mr,oe luoyesfr ahstt' muivntmieoc spto earyrp evne gnigo r'uoey. Neev eomr neimodc to nstghi estvin clyaerl temi nda of ees dgiutyns dan emro ntaduednrs wrdo dan idrgean god re'you onti the gnoig.
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Heres' nwe no n;ow awht oggni n,wo sthta' my uieqs:ton.
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Won elfi slmy'ifa in ruo royu nda l?ief nwe alriemsc has dwkreo wrhee are ogd adn athw yuo.

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