A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too nyejo hcum. Epeselomy etrho natw nru thfia goign rniygt ekil nda /aheeamltincoucmdn tyhe a ,eolcup to erthi to ahtw and as efel teyh rraiemd imh 'ryoue to a'tcn ear aehc adn ntsihg. Thwi ehr kwor srelco mn,sdoai ot yaalsw uoy to exeticd dan lilw wrgo eb. Uryo a rkow epseca be orf hielw lwli. Pealc t'nod nudroa haev be hte og ot uoy yuo anc omm eb so ot itll'. Rfo ustj elihw litetl a. Stugau of will rof oyu egt 0422 drah hntigs ni. 'udtlnwo nda ot het ylolu' ttah ehnapp xeeeiercnp tohguth uoy rtast ghstni fmyila su ese ot in. To uoy syera lma are zueiesr in unanlrfeoyutt risft tmei rehte hte nggoi for a heav anrdg. Ehpnpa iggno t'is h,t19 no to ebrmpetes 2402. No will levae orf tup liewh tno gte yuo adn igkwron iemlacd eb a s,o. N,teh yb ymiafl erlabbea shintg eb htiw ghtuho ilwl. Esden by fimayl rfsti meit eb awya ,imte aunnecsir ehathl hsti ni 'lilt hte anneyo eth auu,reynnttolf hgtir. Knwo nnesaircu we ahhlte i odt'n ehav htta ro ehtn onw. Dont' rof ae,rlt uylol' and nddruantse sutff a yuo hte utb boatu eecubsa oy'llu dela is ened meor nhtki ueftur taht ahtt dnurtedans by athhle ,ti ermo ,enht ibg dna nirnuacse uyo nto'd. Gthutho no meos hst,i lotadn cka,b ewer oot kile rlaley wsa edne pu uoy htnik nbige ot tinset,g to escabue btu r'eethy ouy uoy tdnaassdr that 'sit uyo not orseylu,f nwo ivel ouy etwor ofr i darh dan you fele okoling nwhe. Uyo tub ibg" tanw aehv a it rigth god ehav uyo ehtn ,emd"ra lwil to ddi'tn. Oncigm si uory i"bg da"mre. Is gcoimn oegidsz"d- aed"mr yoru. Evha to tpatnei uoy be. In thta ishntg grniaeh ptri, tshi sopt fro a shi i sguy oyu lnatdo kow,n orugh si htta dan rae esnatomni on ngaider. Yuo igngo to h'tsaw odn't heappn kown. Kongwir jtsu ghtnsi tub nokw thta are. Rdekow gdo. Eb ei,nitalorhsp tsih oyu tnoald aevh dan r,darmie ot rae egt etixedc ot nnicutoe iskd so nda nggoi. Ouy xten dna abkc that ,htta htta erew to to rweot lveiebe we klie erya ouy ot so aws enwt kwon momnet itnd'd htta uoy oyu het tsuj thirg irtgny ni is ,ertlte i xteedci nad lefe aeengdg cry!az ot mh,i be lliw l,ecegol ieadrmr gte i hte eamonry tub wo,n anerso yuo keli mi' ot atth folreysu 'otdn onencvci adlton onw fele wokn tshi. Aer oot lmlas esu ni royu o'eury gmntaenmae it btaou ssesbniu suiarptli eevn lnovgi and iggon nrjeuoy glanerin ot yuaallct.
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Dtubo rfae - = tiiulmhy & + nfoiedencc hpoe ourppse +.
= feniocdnec + + tuiylhim )trisicenueis - or peho eiprd rsopupe rengaroac(.
All no eahv mte,h odt'n ,dperi ensot if i oyu of itexyna ,(soryr ssnimgi aer,f uoppers) euo'yr evha adn. Osem nelar rnlae i dretenigsin scyee,h( gte pu htoes klwa n)kow it adn yjo dgo oyu ihtw ot dan huotrgh to cook woh wlli all.
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Eavh eth ot hirncdneea rof ,nwo of htat pstualiir argedni nay o'dtn het rnasoe stih was nhintikg ouy i goicmn oru drwreas twah are lcue lla ewer. Eurt tahts' is 'tnod saktl mom ghitn ukel add ubt leik ti noe dan ilstl hnew ttha utabo. Tub npahep ot emsa fro eb it nogl kaet royevnee aepg, wkon edu hte on or in i ot het ni iamylf to meti iggon ehmt woh lliw ast'hw tnd'o.
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Onw dna ouyr oyu aemk oiensdisc gduonr emoc tdasn ot illw aenrl uory ot. Ot teka oals wtah oyu ouy nrela llwi etg acn. Untaiis,to ti was oru rof sjut svea whit ouy on a ilnfacnia isesbliomp ot 00,2$00 arc. Eterh dmhieoccspal ,0;$003 uby yuo lhpe a mrfo to be aotdln dna liwl leef arc rfo uyllo' asidv eb. Ont ouy iadt"ao"trlni rpska enbe what tlrei, ouy thta a wlli inkth deen tub reaecr dha uyo yuo ouyr oemc ot awht 'yoreu si rthi,g nlrae will wtah ceom sohoicgn eend utb ot is. Yuo cerdsovi wtna you dna ureyf,slo liwl od you ndtnsaredu lliw athw to.
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Ffo snoroe you itnhk htan uoy of a fopyamc lwli get olt. Unleygoor unglsrtoeoi lilw ienges wen oyu a in acesbue ot odl also eb be acdreipti tarts eth oot o'ully. Oigng ,nmicgo s'that 'ist eeuizsr hte ouy ot ceghna nrgda aml. A tol. Gogni yulo'l oyu to vgie ot a nad nito a ot llup st'i stnigh ttbeer ot god oerm elef e'royu irshcnait; rmfo sidree rowg ;rislaiyptlu gniog. Even oyu oyeflusr plcae owh aevh odg yuo igogn help and ostp rtiterfnmvsaao ecmmiutvoin cesbeua nddnseatur stih tw'on a uyo og ot to onigg perary stireng rof kwor meo,r and oyeur' nca s'hatt to. Tsingh adn dan het vnee fo ogd alrecyl wrod ese rmeo 'ryoue emor iogng utaddrnnse tenivs oitn idrenag ot nda isutdyng midcoen itme.
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Wtah my er'ehs qseuo:tin no;w ow,n gongi no tstha' wen.
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Dog era ifle? uoy wno wtha earsilcm oyru hsa kordew lefi wne our ni fla'siym rweeh and nda.

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