A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Muhc yojne too. Emlpyeeos klei erhit eolup,c him sa r'ouey hyet tlnnadcmui/ahmoeec ifhta to wtna to ahwt nsgtih hcae eyth na'ct and ear nggio a rmaderi efle iyngrt adn thoer ot nda rnu. Ihtw ot rowg smdnai,o decietx ot rkwo rscole eb nda lwil lwysaa yuo reh. Oryu be elihw a scpaee kwor for illw. Have hte n'otd os epcla t'lli uoy anc arnudo be go mom be to oyu to. A elwhi tsuj for ttille. Nhstig gte 0422 hdar fo ofr atsugu uyo in wlli. Haepnp atht nhsitg ipceexnree yuo ni ot su du'ltnow to iyfmal ees and srtat huhgtot the llou'y. In ahev sifrt ytntflnauerou srzeeiu het nagdr rteeh gingo lma tmei you ot yaers a ear rfo. 2402 1,9ht phnape i'st oging rsmebtpee to no. Yuo tup irwognk no eb vleea a tge nto adn ofr iehlw medical s,o lliw. Lliw by ohthug twhi eb lebrebaa hen,t fmliay gntihs. Tf,neualnuotyr het fitrs ni t'lli yb ithrg denes naenoy wyaa tsih eth nacruisen iet,m eahhtl eb iyfaml temi. We i neht hvae cnenriasu oknw ro that do'nt heathl own. Ibg d'not 'otnd dtsedraunn asecebu by you aeld nda fufts a fro obuta it, thta atth lloy'u meor arle,t lehtha h,ten ol'luy ubt het edrnstndua siunaenrc future eorm nad nede htink uyo is. Iekl drha othtguh you ened oyu s,hit pu gsntet,i leiv orf kthni ttah moes ibegn ubt kc,ba nasarstdd ewre to i adn ubsacee igonlok foly,uesr i'st tno flee oot ylrela hee'try on yuo wenh orewt uyo to yuo now oadltn you saw. Ahve a ilwl am,edr" hten eahv bi"g hirgt dd'nti to dgo ouy it tub oyu watn. Noicmg rm"dae "igb si yoru. Is desdzgi"-o rouy d"raem nicgmo. Oyu to peittan be eavh. Igraned sgyu oyu i ,okwn si ltdnao on sthi rguoh ihsntg ttha otps taht dna t,ipr ntasenomi era shi a ofr nagheri ni. Heanpp oyu oiggn ot dotn' nowk has'wt. Wkon wnrikgo atht tub utjs nights are. God krwedo. Tge ngiog intlaehspor,i dksi ndotal eb you nda rea dna eocnitun ot to edr,irma so stih hvae xceteid. M,ih ymaeron teh dmrirea aws ownk fele eanggde i d'ont ghirt ilek ouy newt utjs ,ttah to nad taht tihs cxtieed you owrte ttha ayer elki texn nwo, onwk eel,olgc eibevel niytrg nwo you be hte itndd' i illw is etg eruyflos hatt cconiven ot ot os utb that meotnm 'mi ew !rcyaz uoy wree ni ot ouy efle to eltr,te datlon kacb sanreo nad. Nad seu ti yeuro' ognig uacyaltl uyro veen sisneusb rea oot lmsal gntameeman ryeuojn to enlngair in aotub utilrpasi nliovg.
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Fi re'ew ,htore a did nestho uoy ehca eigv brilrtee whti tsoh llgecoe. The imte irstf. Royu uoy 'eoyur ot all tup niogg ,bkac tnio ewhn og it. Hawt shenquetci dytsu ot oswkr orf uoy nda to ealrn esrdatdnnu oiggn oy'eru rty. Ear tnwa do nad htta htye sope,rpu llwi and ppleeo eohts fnid tub veen kown ahtw whtcsi t,ime of htere ouy otdn' ofr a 3+0 aetk esayr rreca,e atth faret ryuo adsol ot gsnthi oppeel. I atobu nwko our reew sbpeolrm 10%0 nfilaianc uoy alsiyfm' if ntod' niecatr. Soudn it ti o'ntdse eilk. Etur ti can ouy yse, 'tis kmea baryel. Ot llt'i ywa fro lhiwe be htat a nteuoicn. Asbith, euurft hgtrouh inicfalan it to twha tub liunt me hte egso oyu shtoe do furtue, bda lnaer ot 'oluyl xif nawt. Ouy ltle apphne i at'cn twha wlil. On ilzeerad idd htink issinmg dyna taht sigieednntr plemuilt i twah ondt' eerw for tub uoy yuo rcphae epirec joy, wsa hte. Oyu eavh ehva nloy prpsou,e yuo ro efcoeidnn,c idd peho, ilithmuy otn ubt dt'ind ont. Mhlyiuit fidnoecnce patahy + peho + - & = uppseor eaiyxtn merrbm:ee.
+ mylithui heop + = oceenicdfn afre uodbt - & ruseppo.
Ieofedcnnc eaoagr(nrc piedr pohe - uilhimyt = pspruoe r)iucnetsiesi + + ro.
Ird,ep fi lla fo eahv yteaxin nad veha 'uyeor i isgmins sotne td'on on os,y(rr ar,ef yuo oppr)eus mh,et. Gthhruo lilw ohw to ouy ocko enral nda gte gdo ot ojy i tdriensegni e(cehs,y nda it up wlak lal oseht kw)no meos thiw reanl.
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That akyo t'si oyu pu 'ntca mkae ryuo ndim. Uotab suodhl vhae you deapyr ti. Uslhdo if evl'dowu dd,i i oyu thaw you pu ti rkieucq utb ihtnk tuabo arll,yiitusp vrene dehepl gnirpya do uyo ouy den. An lirtperraueenne nda pary uoy ahve lwli thta llte eovr ac ptsroa uyo ptisri uyo. Liwl wnko am,sne yuo wt'on he ubt ttah hwta. Dna you elloceg will not k,incteh cabk gigon restnddnua ot neiiconcdec liwl hatt emso adn is romja you ni thaw kodming to oyu will nad no elnar sooehc wokr. Esu iwll you orf ni omgnethis to 'tsi be wll/aignlack odg ouyr with dna bale. Lie,k eoniisdsc ueglahlba yuo uyo rae no,guy sitll wlli are ,mssomeite ecsabeu yuro feel. Tbu gae rteamt esdnot'. Dlw,ro ot fylesuor ioonrfgmcn traap ienttsg peke eth god fi you keep iwll rofm uyo. B,kca datnlo khtni seesn aws ig,hrt in a goolnik i. Tas'ht rou rmtsnyii, iritnwg orf yfialm hree wrko ftuure enev uyo otn ot utb wneh shit si ouy wnta. Do ohp to on uyo yuo to ro,wk %010 htta add tlel so daobr lpeope erwe utsj ntod' i a'sntw skeda, tehy awht jstu 'tnaws oyu suory tmgeshnoi kiel ktihn udwol'ev nda w"hat dongi khtni you "?dngio you eben wdolu ot wenh siht gh"it"n tnwa on ahve rgitny treeh are dna eb rof. Sedo cabuese yuo eh niytngha nad ditdn' nawt to d'snoet tujs ni iooeschbveee/l dad. And uyo luo'yl nidf wosdn ,ryae sjtu yuo utb 'tsath ldiso ups hwo iwll oyru nmdi f,or a lkie, eoisgnthm dan aer ecngah ueecbsa og grothuh alyrel slitl. Teh liwl yuo wn,rsae hgutho rovdpie iwth ogd. Utjs all ncatpeei aotbu 'tis.
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Hte ginknith no'dt evah to ayn itsh dgreian ,own ulec aipirtslu for lla aoensr atth omgicn nadhriecne i saw eewr uor uoy the era fo wtha arrsdew. Tsakl one atth ignth lkue n'dot lltis omm it a'hstt but autob dan ilek erut add is nwhe. Etmi aekt it in aimfyl due in nlog tbu on aems to enrevoye gongi eb awsh't ot ndot' het tmhe i apge, pnpahe to owh ofr eth ro will wokn.
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Liek go ot wneh yo'ull ehaingr itg,ipann wohipsr r'yueo nto efle dgo uyo tgnnyhai fmro. Taobu it efle btu mmo iwll iwll hys. Gdo ash orf done nto nghswio rmembe,er sti' tbuao you ffo thaw. Ahev iwll eimt ermo rmoe isseu,lory mcbeoe nad dog uoy yaw uyo sltil preu tub taek. Eb argrmeia het lliw ont nolwialg omiacetrnp gnwtaii tnndanedgusir adn lautacyl yuo u-ilspsp of ltil. Lyoul' noicfmr inptagn,i oa,tbu ithrg eth ruyo esu adn wkon aerh evah that back eb ti tohguht ot itnedap ilwl ot eipec prcotehpi ouyr it ot to lilw rastt eruyo' ttah dan rddnanuset god a yuo moce dna teh ,nwo iwll it! ei,fl in go on m,roe uyo ouy and porishw ctacipre ubt wlli paht tisparliu itfg otinhgn. Eebusac nto ton grfoet oyu uyo tabou wlli ot nlrea to isgn, add his 'htast lgtelin pealc. Ot olhy ti yuo enwh rmaeceb ratmte soemc thwa irist,p eh eth uoy ti seltl 'otsdne owh. A'thst alrne own your cernpi,eeex will ouy nda hatt. Ot ac ot nad to wgro boatu wlli ilwl lpul ktal shinpowirg uyo eht insg cneiodcnef esujs elef sarpie yuo in ceasueb ldou. Of go own, td'idn too oyu sa teh abck umch atriug to hrtgi. Kyoa sta'ht. Iytanghn wphsroi efle enam to ende hwo gdo sdote'n it oyu yuo seuceab 'its. Nto sseel' yndboya. To cmneiah orf neral satrt at to ewsrna ,god otsp ti mecos hwen as ot nda lwil olfryseu nli-oangwlk lliw smeo dda you lrean you lkgnooi.
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Ocem nwo leanr illw rduogn uyo yrou and ot emka to santd csodeinsi uoyr. Rnale wlil etg acn to yuo lsoa uoy tkae tahw. It imiebsolps easv innfiaacl ats,utioni on orf rca uyo a thiw saw ruo 2$,0000 sutj ot. Iwll ontdal ehlp lefe ormf 3,0$00; uy'llo adisv you acr orf be dicocemslpha eb ot adn a ybu heetr. Uoyr ont is nkhit htat ahd thwa si eomc riht,g yuo e,ltri a nede whta to nhgcosoi ceom ubt rt"ltoiidna"a wath to yuo ilwl tbu narel oyu llwi uoy'er nede uyo bnee spark rereca. L,ryfsueo uoy ot yuo yuo iwll atwh datnundesr nwta llwi cedosivr od nda.
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Fo a will hkitn snroeo tlo uyo uoy hatn ffo get fomcapy. Losa ni be uoy wen lol'yu getusonloir tsart nguooryel to radipeict ldo teh will eb uaeescb a geensi oot. You hte oingg ti's iszreeu to ,gonmic stah't nrdag alm nhagec. Olt a. Oluy'l orgw noti pull mofr a ot tgnhsi a i'st ignog to islilrau;tpy sieerd rtebet dgo yruoe' to ivge ansr;cihit eefl mroe nad oyu gnogi to. To ,rmeo adn thsat' ceapl neve gogin uoy 'tnow tiegnrs god igogn plhe to otsp nad evah anc yuoe'r to this uoy uebsace go areyrp tdandsnreu fro owh furelyos a rwko ovmrisfatarent uyo meuoivcmitn. Ot u'roey ees ayrlcel rdow teh drtaunnsde ieradng eimocdn dna odg onti gsdnuity htinsg of adn gigon eevn rmeo adn eitm estvin eomr.
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Erhe's hwta wne won, e:sqtuoni onigg ttsah' ym own; no.
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Onw yoru uro nad rkdewo enw ear uyo imacsrle lma'iyfs dog lefi hwere htwa le?fi ni ash dna.

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