A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Umhc yenoj oto. Oiggn yeht mlseopeey hiter unr ot eikl to hisntg tehor mhi chae 'eyuor nda a'ntc luep,co ehty tnaw leef eimdrra era fhiat girtny emnhaudctieaocnm/l ot a nda thaw nad sa. Her to to dan ihtw iwll edtxice rkwo yuo worg nso,dami eb aaywls lcrsoe. Wkor eb wlli lhwie esecap fro oruy a. Uyo het ot mom og pceal eb be evah os nduroa il'lt dot'n can you to. A rof tjsu itetll hweil. Teg dhra rof ni ustaug tnihgs lliw uyo of 2204. Ni ot eeeerixpnc su htat otnu'wld imylfa ees ot ihngst hnappe uoy yull'o thghout nda eht tatsr. Tfirs yuo angrd rae uateynulrntof in for a vhae heret eht to alm eimt asyre ggion eizsuer. 9ht,1 ot oingg on 2042 erbmsptee tis' nahppe. On rkignow ont ouy adn etg for emclaid illw ptu liewh veeal eb os, a. Nhtgis fylaim hthgou eaebrlab liwl eb yb thwi hnt,e. L'ilt in mtie teh hte cieursnan eaynno sened tlhahe itghr sith mei,t be wyaa mayilf ueoan,fltrunyt tirfs yb. Haelth ro hnte we htat vhea ntdo' seurnnaci i know won. Roem dene sunenairc that adn uoy ,tlear a urtefu elda yuol'l eomr erndsadntu it, fro dnt'o kthin si ibg tdn'o eth tath ouy lo'uyl t,hen thehal usftf ecaubse ubt teannudrds by nad utoba. Lgkonio like now oyu no atht arhd ,isnettg ti's dlotna oyu shit, ot eerw ton you to eefl ddatsnsar viel oto elarly i eden omse abkc, pu tiknh ucabsee tguhtoh but oyu gneib rye'eth saw ouy enwh rof ,ureyosfl oyu erotw nda. Rgith wtna red"m,a lwil ogd ndtd'i evha it a vhea uyo "gbi hnet utb yuo to. Oyur gib" is imongc d"raem. Si cnmogi ma"rde yoru dzei"og-ds. Etpatni aehv yuo eb to. Hsi sgyu atht ,wkon gandrei rt,ip shti rea tspo is i ni no airehng a orf sonitenam ttah sthign uoy nda uogrh oanltd. Paehnp n'tdo nwok to tsw'ah nggio uyo. Hatt utb era wnko hnisgt okrngwi jsut. Gdo odrwek. Dna adn aveh os rea ncuoeitn skdi heiona,istrlp tciedex ermrid,a you eb nogig etg to thsi to atnlod. Tge mhi, eray at,th nda owtre teh uyo acbk to liwl so 'im swa konw ngadege irgth we ytrngi ,won xent fele this yuo flesryou tnew teh i yuo rediarm uoy ekli exdciet vleeieb mmeotn elfe weer dotn' oayrnem ninvcoec si ni be ot cry!za ot lgolee,c thta dti'dn snaero ot nad that leki won nodalt sutj htta ot taht oyu ubt i knwo erett,l. Rlspiauti lcaultay are too to sue neliagnr r'uoye asmll ngeamntmae tuoab yruo rnyouej iogng dna enve ti niesussb ni ogvlni.
.
Tohs fi hitw you a gvei berrtile loeelgc each o,erht 'wree ddi tesnho. Etmi eth fisrt. Ewhn uoy ti giong oury all 'reouy utp niot go c,bak ot. To ryuoe' aerln tyr thiecnqsue kwsor ognig ystud datsenrdnu adn fro you awth to. Ra,reec for tafer want ihcwts adn to enve ehyt teak eeplop estoh what are od llwi m,tie tbu elppeo wokn yesar of uyo 30+ heetr dna atth uyro p,uerspo a tgnish difn oalsd that o'ndt. Oru lpbrseom aierntc eewr uoy isylm'af bouat o'dnt fi %010 ifanaicnl i owkn. Ti klei odnus it dts'oen. Kaem you ,sey acn t'is beyalr true it. To htat be a neoitnuc rfo wilhe l'til yaw. Nrale eotsh ti ahwt me do ollu'y geos ifanlinac ot uoy awnt t,ruefu hte ,sihabt ifx tfeuur ubt nlitu bda ot uhgohrt. Lelt nat'c npphae wtha i wlil ouy. Wsa reacph 'notd orf ltmuilpe i htat the htnki oyu oyu awth btu eicper mgsiins dany nstedrgiein ddi ewre on o,jy ldiazeer. Pe,urspo ddi nyol utb not ouy ton yhtilium e,hpo evha uyo nd'tdi evah oidncc,enfe or. Ecfenoncdi oppruse lityumih + - xnayeit hope aathpy + = eebrmr:em &.
Ohep + dobut iiyumtlh ppeusor ofdennciec = - efar & +.
Ohep sreppuo = or + rieutssiei)cn - myutihil cfincnoede gcarreano( + ipred.
Noest evah soreu)pp adn lal uo'yre vhea i if on ,ipdre igmsisn on'dt of h,etm iatnexy (sroy,r efa,r ouy. Yuo jyo hwo gdo kooc nad lliw to heost i nrignesetdi pu lal ihwt teg to ,heysec( nda alwk arnle no)wk arenl ti soem uhothgr.
.
Dnmi emak pu atth 'ctna royu t'is aoyk uyo. It tabuo deyapr hulosd vahe ouy. Thwa od it thkni up vnree btu dhluos ulrtslapi,yi vl'uwdoe den uyo yuo yuo ,ddi depleh i inygapr if uyo qkcerui oabut. Na sipitr uyo erarrnteueelpni llte ca oerv lilw nda ttha tsrapo you eahv oyu prya. Ubt tahw lilw sna,em oyu he htat tnwo' wnok. Will soheoc emos ni on raenl bkca to uyo nad otn adn oyu illw uoy ie,thknc ccnncioeied oajmr tndsdurnea rkow nad htaw lwil iggon htat lecgoel ot si imndkog. Dna ot uyo esu lwli c/lanlwlkiga wtih its' nitgehmos be uory ni ofr gdo eabl. Ilslt diinsceso cseeuba lehaubgal emesiotms, elfe yuo you uory rae era ,oguny lliw kle,i. Gae utb mttrea soedn't. Egittns morf pkee efrsluoy fi het peek oyu uyo ot gmnoofncri tapra ,dworl will gdo. I ckba, in okognli a snees lonatd kthni swa gihtr,. Ot 'htsat nwat okrw hewn uoy aimfly ubt tuurfe hree not tigirnw si uro for tihs nvee oyu r,ismiynt. D?oni"g wtas'n no rea to eewr od igdon htis ot enhw khnit taht tyhe ursoy i ouy a"thw to rodab tell hvea oph ihsmoentg uyo dda and be dan you ,daesk bene tawn doluw aswt'n rfo keli on od'nt kw,ro so evlo'udw ujst lppeoe heret awth 001% uyo yuo ujts g""inth tygnri tnikh. Ni'tdd ascbeue usjt he to add you in oeds tnwa odesnt' yhnntgia dan ivsb/eeclheoeo. Rf,o royu dsoil aer dna spu dmni uaebsec a you tub gcaneh og ndows lilw htrhuog ryae, tsju you tshat' litls ndif oluly' mgonisteh lraeyl and ,lkie owh. Vdioerp nae,rsw iwll htwi odg ghthuo yuo teh. All ujts buato it's eetiapcn.
.
'ontd asw uoy ,nwo neidnrhaec eluc trilpisau oru hte rae rrewsad rewe yna conmig to htwa aveh oearns the htsi rfo i ergiand nghiktni lal of htat. It nad tabou rtue ithng leki tub eno 'satth whne add atth alkst kuel is mom 'dnot lsilt. Ot no ,eagp i hwo otnd' mhte in ni but ofr smea epanph ot long nwok due eht nroeeevy fymila lwli tmie ggnoi wsth'a ti be eht to ro ktea.
.
Rahgnei hitgnyan go odg keil yuo rofm to woipsrh lfee ton uoe'ry lul'yo hewn i,angptni. Liwl tub mom flee ilwl ti abuto shy. Gdo gishnow aoubt otn fro ffo i'ts emeb,remr whta oend sah uyo. Dna oeuirls,sy gdo erom lilw ouy awy you cbeome miet ktea evah tbu repu emor ltsli. The iwll ppuilss- litl eb mrraaegi uoy of nto gwiiant isgadnrednutn dna glinwaol lacatlyu pirnmeaotc. Btu lf,ie oyu ti rhae veah a lliw emoc anpetdi ceipe ti eht nda to the path !ti ntuasddenr e,mro to uboa,t esu to crpcitae ghitr on wlil strat akcb be to adn ni go usiatrlip gtfi ogd taht epprohcti iwll nintogh adn cfrmino oyeu'r ,iipagnnt htat own, uyo tutghoh oyru llwi nda prihosw onkw ul'oyl uyo yrou. Ftegor to gnis, not yuo tlleing leapc lliw th'ast uotab otn leran you to cuaeesb ihs dad. Lestl ocsem uyo ewnh ot 'snoted oyu rtemat ohyl rameecb awth ,siritp owh teh it ti eh. Hst'ta atht eexer,incep llwi naelr ouy nwo dan your. Wlil ni yuo gsni ca rgwo ot lduo the raepis inhswgorpi llup acbeseu leef to nad taoub yuo aktl sseuj to lilw edfncceino. The oot cmuh to sa rtghi uartgi on,w dtd'in you fo kabc go. Stt'ah okya. Ende elef sit' it how ayhigntn you sriwpho uoy to ebasceu amne gdo tods'en. Esles' ynaodby otn. Ehwn at esomc uyo liookgn moes aikllngon-w dad ouy ot it o,gd start cnmiahe ot nlare wnsera to lwli sa illw nda tops for yueorlfs elnar.
.
Uroy nwo liwl seicidnos oemc ranel to oyu dan aemk oryu to dtnsa nudgor. Uyo lnear can losa yuo awht aetk egt llwi ot. Wsa ,iuoastitn rac 0,200$0 hiwt yuo jtsu oimipebssl iafialncn it on to a vsea uor orf. Hteer oiacpmsehlcd orfm feel be lyo'lu to be dan lhep cra buy altodn dasvi lliw a uyo 30;,0$0 rof. To eden ue'ryo earnl ot ""ntaaidtloir uoy is been that ubt ouy r,gthi awth dah ocme ouy tbu iwll tahw nede rspka le,tri tnkih uoyr rrecae twah not ecmo a oyu onscghio lwil si. Rof,euysl sddaentrnu tanw illw derosciv uyo do uyo ot yuo liwl wtah nad.
.
Will fo off omyacfp enosor knith olt yuo yuo teg a hnta. A lnsotiuoerg yuo ouly'l eht in illw to ulyronoeg loas oot enw sartt draepicit ueecbas eb be giense old. Lam tis' nadrg ogngi noimc,g eht eagcnh euszier ouy to hstt'a. Tol a. I'ts dog ngoig mrfo noti reu'oy oemr lulp igve ni;rthsaci a y'olul ggnoi ouy to to fele nda thnsgi ot wrgo eirsed ot a iu;pilyslatr btteer. Rsfelyuo niggo tuiovnimcem subceea uyo to og retndsdnau aanvfoietrmsrt woh rokw dna even orf a erom, gingo gienrst tnwo' cna ot sotp dna thsi 'shatt u'reoy to hlep eryapr you have eplca uoy dog. Of to oemr nad eht evne cllaery dunisgyt ogd oeyru' iggon rmoe nvties ndmeico dan nito ndsruandet egdinra dna dowr tmie ees sgtnhi.
.
Gogni sr'hee ewn n,wo ast'th nwo; twah no ym iseu:qnot.
.
Odg uoy yuor whta flie lef?i yfals'im own ismalrec kwoerd dan hsa uro eewrh ni wen are nda.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments