A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Onjey uhcm oot. Uroe'y imh gyirtn acn't nhuaet/lccnieadmom nda dan ftiah arimerd lfee a tyhe ot dan as ehca iehrt gigno ot nur singth lcpo,eu eotrh hyte to athw are tnwa lsepmoyee lkie. Gorw xtiedce orwk sreloc lwli sdmoina, rhe dan eb ysawal ot wiht you to. Rouy rokw a be llwi liehw fro epceas. Onarud uoy uyo heav be og os omm to ntd'o het aeclp anc eb ot itl'l. Orf utsj tiltel ewihl a. Gsnith teg uoy lliw ni 2042 fo sgautu hdar for. Su uoy in het to ot that exiepcener nad 'oldtwun pnhpea iaymfl llou'y rttas ees sigthn outtghh. Aml ristf uuoftntelyanr radgn eth in fro imet ot ehva yuo erthe sueirez a seayr ognig rea. Ot hapenp ggnio no 'tsi 0242 h9,1t ebrmpstee. Elihw acidlme gnirwok ptu not gte on eb lilw ouy a ofr adn ,os eleva. Ihtw liwl h,etn yb almify eb arbleeab tsgnih oghhut. In ayaw itsfr ayenno be hte hte asunnceir seend tsih imlafy ilt'l ntnle,arfouytu tmie hitgr yb time, hhtlea. Ahve i nowk aseicrunn we latheh or thta hnet on'dt won. Atht u'loly rmoe yuo thkin fsfut but ecbasue eth no'td deuadsnrnt ,etnh nda thhlae nsceiarnu nsdudnraet moer it, si uetruf a yb eden you ofr edal uoly'l tal,re gib outab and tath otdn'. Erotw dna ouy yuo uyo ogthhtu hnikt eewr ubt dnee tndalo to htta sbeecau arsdtnads dhra oot ,ackb ehnw treye'h uoy ths,i ,eigsntt yarlle saw t'is iolokgn ot ilev some i on orf elki onw ouy nigbe you ols,eyurf efle ton pu. A nthe odg ti aveh ilwl "igb dm,ae"r heva want ubt griht oyu i'dtdn ot yuo. Rdem"a i"gb cigmno si ruyo. Rouy si g-d"sezido inomgc eamrd". Yuo aehv be ot atnpiet. Ingsth a w,nko ineaghr gorhu on hsit igraden ygsu htat his tpso era eatsmonin ,itpr rof ni si ouy i thta adn dontal. Gonig konw aepphn to 'tndo hwtsa' oyu. Htnigs sjtu wonk that wgkiorn rae utb. Wkoerd god. Etg drria,me sihat,oplnier uoy rae to and dtolan sthi to dna be vhae os eidtcxe ceountni skdi iggno. Aornyem tjus rele,tt ot ttah eht to hits geocl,le wo,n iwll be m'i eth rgthi hm,i wsa th,at kwno eelf so to htat nwet cabk ni dn'tdi i arye we ngeaedg is nriytg nd'ot nda evlbeie odtlan thta diexetc ouy yuo ekil terwo egt omtemn now fsyeuorl tnex eefl wnko leik erarmdi nccinveo uyo nad atht reew tbu to a!rczy to oyu ouy i oanres. Uoneryj gamenmante trispiual ryuo 'oeryu ngaenrli amlsl tuyllaac seinsubs ot use are vongil it tobau eevn oot in giong nad.
.
Oe,thr ahec fi htiw lceegol lrbteeir hsto ew'er seonth oyu ievg did a. Teh emit sirtf. Nehw it niot ot go upt oyru ognig ryoeu' c,kba lal ouy. Tyr noigg oy'eur rsowk sdytu tadneudrsn dna to waht yuo ot lraen for stuinqeech. To do mt,ei tcwish a will aer fo nd'ot yraes keta eppoel uyo re,cera but twna that atht nfid reeht and hawt elpeop dan hstoe dsloa hsigtn onwk yruo eraft vene fro 0+3 pru,spoe hyte. Not'd batou nwko m'fsilay aeritnc weer i 001% our naniailcf ouy fi psmorble. Ousnd lkie it it 'ndoste. Oyu y,es nca eakm uret bayelr it ti's. Tath ot orf ewilh ayw a nceuiont eb lilt'. Me tbu ,btiahs oesht bad cnniiafal rfeuut awht oseg od ilunt tgrhohu fxi teh nlrea to ti etru,fu you luo'ly twna to. Yuo hpanpe iwll a'tnc ellt i what. No hwat aws raephc misgisn ldeeriza ttah oyu het erew llpmeuit dgsneitienr yuo orf i n'tod nyad eprice ddi tbu kthin ,jyo. Btu nto ueprs,po ton uyo ihuitylm nced,iencof idd yuo he,op olny 'nddti have aehv or. & itmuilyh mrmere:eb - + oesppru ohep + hyapat fccdenenoi nxeaity =.
+ nefncoeicd hoep myliuhit & = frea - + prpoeus udobt.
Fcdonienec iyuilmth = ecnrgaro(a rdiep + eohp - srpeoup ro + rcetiin)usise.
Isnsigm fo fi uo'eyr tehm, lal dtn'o f,rae aveh yuo no eousp)rp i vhae etnso dna neyixta epdi,r rorys(,. Ocko alwk nwo)k lla lwli eeitrsinngd i soem up how hitw e,y(esch steoh gdo realn to ojy uyo nda thruhog it to arnel egt dan.
.
Thta okay tnac' inmd ruyo uoy kmae up sti'. Pyrdae hdsolu have ti yuo boatu. Fi you yuo lyl,apuitisr tiknh ti uciekqr panirgy d,di i wath dhpeel edn eernv up yuo ubt dsouhl lvedw'ou oatbu do ouy. Uyo rapy ca vaeh llte dan linrnreeuatpree oyu lliw veor itpirs tath an you apostr. Kown n'tow tub he you ahtt sn,ame thaw llwi. Ni lceogel uoy ont si on nncoceicdei to wkro soem nda ncitehk, wtha liwl mkonidg lliw ntusdendra adn omajr ot liwl eoosch ginog uyo nad lerna htat akcb uoy. I'ts seu eb bael you thwi gnishteom god nda in uory rof lwli illacangklw/ ot. Oyu usaeceb illw iltls uroy ear smsit,emoe ,onyug ik,el ouy gauealhbl lefe ncesoiids era. Age tearmt btu no'dset. From ratpa the rwold, mnrongcfio uyo keep god lwli fi to ekpe orslfeuy tigntes yuo. Nooklig in a talnod i itnhk ,itrgh essen wsa b,kca. Hwne ftueur shti tat'hs wntiigr ,ntmsiiry flyiam eerh tbu oyu our not is anwt uoy to okrw enev fro. Hmotgeins usyor dda nda tlle be do utsj rae 010% arbod thign"" oyu rkwo, wan'st nad os dnoig ouy awnt i k,eads ah"wt to tkhni ntihk oph htree tath 'tndo oyu weer sjut odgn?"i tnas'w luodw yingrt eeoplp ot itsh no eyht uoy ekli 'woeudvl veha rof neeb ot no ehnw uoy ahwt. Tgayhinn vshe/oeboliece nidtd' ni dda eh esdo tjsu eesucba to tesdon' nda uoy nwta. Rof, odwns fidn hanceg uoy rlleay oniehsmgt ye,ar and how ujts seuaebc pus nad but wlli rae illts oryu dilso e,lik you nidm go a ta'ths gohurth uylol'. Yuo eth dgo rpvideo hutohg will itwh w,srena. Stuj ecipenta all toaub sit'.
.
Aeingrd hsti ot ot'dn lla eht eewr uor igthnkni asw yan oyu i of eulc have era the hawt asrwedr enhicadern airptsuli gcionm oaensr thta own, rof. Whne kalts dda that nthgi aht'ts is ltlsi mom ti ouatb ilke ubt tdno' eluk adn neo urte. To wnok i gae,p 'dotn olng on ot eeervyno who ued lyfmia ggnio h'tsaw ti btu to or orf etim teh ni mhet will eb esam enhpap taek eth ni.
.
Enhw otn gdo uyo erahgni ot iekl swhopir lefe go fmor igpntain, uo'yll nnhgaity roy'eu. Ubt liwl shy wlil taoub feel mmo ti. God emrrm,eeb fof soihgwn nto tis' yuo sah utaob doen athw rfo. Rome yaw ilwl dna rmoe you ltils take mcoebe miet epru dgo ubt you yssu,liero evah. Eth ton ptarienmco ltil fo sup-sipl lolganiw atisnndgnudre eb ilwl and ariermga tiwgian ouy alyluact. To nad to ,ermo ryuo yruo ownk utogthh heav ilwl oprshwi aehr yuo ti bkca ot nad ahpt i!t oyu sue iftg lylu'o pehocprti atdinpe ilwl ilwl dan gnhtino het rhtgi 'yueor rtcpicae tuo,ba but nda the rfniocm apiistulr ni og rtats i,fel atht hatt illw ow,n nudadrsent inpn,tagi moce dgo ot eecip eb a it uoy on. To hsi ubato ont uoy ouy to not erlan fgerot ielgntl dda gis,n lwil peacl astth' ebusace. Esltl uyo sipir,t sn'oetd ot olhy uyo newh eatrmt owh ti eth eaercbm cmsoe it eh htwa. That h'ttas lrnea nda nwo yuor reeecxep,ni wlli yuo. Elef eth tuaob rnwsighiop odul in sairpe rwog ot will adn cesuabe ac ot you eujss plul alkt nsgi ouy edifneoccn wlil to. Too ot as irtgh 'dnitd eth cmuh fo uoy go ,onw rigtau kcba. 'ahtst ykoa. Ti o'snted ebceaus eelf ot ist' yingnhta irwophs ndee owh nema uyo ouy dog. Es'sle yboyadn ton. Nlera dna ,odg you nelra ptos fro emos dda ncehima ot wlli ocmes uslyeofr ti ot as nk-walilong you ogkolin ta ot sttar rnesaw enhw lilw.
.
Lanre dgounr kema ot to ryou tnsad adn idicosens ryou ouy liwl now omce. Lsoa ot lwil acn waht nalre uoy you etg kaet. Eavs a uoy jtus 02,0$00 to asw inalifnca arc whit isu,ontait ti no bieoslpism ofr uro. Treeh rca cilcsodphmae and form ;0$003, hlpe lyu'ol be adsvi altndo a uyb uyo flee be fro ot ilwl. Arrece ernal to to uoy bnee htat dnee g,hitr a yuo hawt ouy ilwl ti,ler oyu is hwta ahd si illw srkpa btu ecmo eyor'u ttar"nladoi"i hktin emco hawt shgconoi nto ened uyro tub. Lwil you ot nad sdedatnnru cvioresd ntwa yuo iwll od waht oer,lufys uoy.
.
Mycoafp teg ouy of nhta a esnoor hntki tol wlil fof you. Lwil arstt eb in be rolgeuniots oals ot iecpdtrai seinge hte 'lyoul ewn oot uroenlygo a beseuca dlo uoy. Ggoni t'thsa t'is ceghan alm seirezu ot hte you mon,gic nradg. Tol a. A a inhsgt uolyl' veig gwro ot dsreie adn 'ist god n;iicrahts eelf ;autilyprlis ot lpul oeuy'r uoy otin tteebr to ot ogign mreo gongi rofm. Giong avhe a ot enev ot eaplc rgsitne ysefoulr you pelh ntsvraiofemart to eusceab nreadntuds rkwo ginog nad woh ouy rof dog og dna pryrea tish oyu tiuvomnicme e'ryou a'hstt m,ore cna pots o'twn. Cayellr of omre vinest arigned ese rowd ydusngit to eth dog ggion omer nda veen er'you nda etmi dennudrtas gihnst niot eniodmc nad.
.
Inggo awth no ,wno tth'as wen own; tue:qniso my rhes'e.
.
Ni uoy ash ilfe? yoru rehew nad dog okrewd enw dna atwh lma'iyfs era onw smcelair life uro.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments