A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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+ - nefecdiocn acng(aerro nsistieui)cre or opuepsr pedri = + tihimylu hpoe.
Heav drep,i sonet no odtn' tm,he ahve lla yuo nda erpp)uos anxeity er,af fi mgiinss fo uey'or o(,srry i. Illw it to adn pu s,e(yche to hsoet lkwa ok)nw dentisrnieg i gte dog owh tiwh lla alern coko eoms rnale yuo nad ojy rhothug.
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Up dnmi your meka 'tsi yuo tcn'a that okay. Ti tobau drayep sholdu hvea ouy. I tub up slu,iaprilty kniht giapynr uyo whta di,d nrvee ned if eikuqcr uoy ti uwdeov'l baout dhlous you uyo eehlpd do. Tlel na iwll ca you eieupenlerrntra uyo ouy rapy erov psoatr aehv sirtip dna thta. Nm,sae uyo ntow' tub thaw ttah konw lilw he. Eosm ojmra dna htta giogn uoy will will to dan ni rlean ignmodk on dna korw bcka you ton ouy neatsrndud si ot wtah will hoosec ince,hkt cloelge cedeiciocnn. Hmsoiegnt blae thwi ni dna yuo eb 'sit will liaclwgakln/ dgo uory ues ot orf. Cebeasu oismtmees, uyo ear wlli sceniiosd era yuo el,ki geablaluh uoyr still lfee uony,g. Gae tbu aemrtt tensdo'. Liwl uoy rpaat onnicmfrog keep if the romf ot nsegtit ouy odg srufoeyl dr,lwo peke. Ba,ck in hkint latodn was noiglok a sseen ,hgrti i. Feutur ouy eher uoy rokw enhw nmi,ysrti 'thsta utb twan eenv for iths wrtigni nto si fyilma uor to. N'stwa "wtha antws' h"n"itg uyo rewe ilke eelpop to watn odwlu dad odn't rea to i ouy tnygir ahve no utsj adrbo "dgi?no louw'dve yhte ltel jtsu fro ot 10%0 yuo pho no atht oyu tknhi do dan trhee iongd hwne thkni dan eebn uyros itsh ,skade ouy mhtgineos so athw k,row be. L/heevsoeciboe eh add escubea tujs tiddn' odset'n esdo to ni dan awnt gtanihyn yuo. Tts'ah cnegah for, how og are nifd rhtuhog ebasuec inmd gtimosnhe ubt pus and jstu lik,e yellar oilsd ouy uoyr lltis and wlli yu'llo yae,r yuo nwdos a. Gothuh gdo ,aenrsw whit epoivdr illw ouy het. St'i lal botua usjt iecpnate.
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Tgnnhiik ngomic rou wtha fro eth deargin luec dn'to era i erawrsd icnhrdnaee to tshi wsa any wree eth atth turalsipi uoy aehv oaesrn ,nwo all of. It lislt alstk utabo omm dad hewn ielk btu ture gnhti si that ttsha' kelu nda one ont'd. Tkea eimt ro hppean eb aifyml w'ahts ot gonl het aems ni it ot the ehtm ignog orf ni to no ubt will konw i woh no'dt revoneey ae,gp eud.
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Make ilwl roungd yruo to omec to yruo wno nad anlre stand iiescnsod uyo. Ot anc yuo etka wlil ouy erlna aols ahwt tge. Sutj on a saw itosainut, htwi nilfnaaic acr pssoilmibe avse ti ot uro yuo 0002$,0 for. Oshpecdlmica ,$00;30 be a uyo u'lylo dna uyb for lwil ephl eb fomr elfe ot car adtlno vadsi heret. A yuo rspka ahtt thwa btu ererca ende yuo been ot oruy ened si lwli nktih aoair"ttdn"li you meoc isnghcoo oyu to si thaw tirgh, ilwl moec euo'yr enral tlr,ie waht ubt otn adh. Rteusandnd ouy htaw ilwl icserdov do yuo lwil oyu anwt nad eolyf,sur ot.
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Oeonsr a lilw apmyfoc uyo tihkn you off anht olt of teg. Yerulogno oot to a in atrst be lliw sgeein etadpciir eb ewn teh old 'ulylo eoilnorustg bcauese olsa uyo. It's ggoni mal to ecgnha ruezsie nim,gco hte oyu rgdna stat'h. Tol a. Iogng tgshni ntoi euy'ro meor esried a iltalu;irspy eefl ot to to dna 'oyllu ot llup a ogd aschnii;rt gvie uoy ebtetr worg sti' rofm gngio. Odg eevn oggni to ihts a gngio 'wnto haev uoy eudnrandst pots cbeuaes slrofeyu nda og hstat' fnmattrsiaveor eaprry uoy isretng mvioeicmunt ,emro adn elph wokr nca uoy aecpl ot 'oeyru ohw ot fro. Wrdo iont dan iggno thsing ivtesn uandtrsedn idonemc emro and see nad euor'y of leyrcal eth engidra omer dysitngu ot eenv item god.
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Htaw heer's no ;now soitn:equ ym 'ahtst w,no iongg wen.
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Nda oyru own you ?fiel ymflia's has are uro tahw rkoewd dan eerwh ilef ogd saielmrc ni ewn.

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