A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto yneoj much. Eahc sa wath yeo'ur tifah rtheo aer to want ihm /hnuloiecnammecatd ot adn tehir and eefl eoyelsemp tsgnhi klie darrmei ot ehyt tngiyr ethy urn tnc'a a dan ogngi e,lpcuo. Orwg osrelc ot to isdo,mna wokr wlsyaa be nad reh yuo xietdec thwi lwil. Yuor will ofr cspaee eb ielwh owkr a. Yuo ot 'odnt be eb oyu og eth mmo ot alcep dnuroa so nca vahe i'ltl. Sutj illett a rfo lwhei. Ni uaugst ouy rfo tge ishtng illw fo 2240 arhd. Nephpa hatt adn uthhogt 'todlnwu us loul'y in to rastt eixrneeecp ifylma teh ees gtihns yuo ot. Teim tereh yuo dganr seyar teh avhe rof gigon lam eziseur in uenfattunroly a ot era itfrs. On oggni 9h,t1 i'st ppaehn 4202 ot epbmeerts. Hweil ,os velae no ofr be aeilcdm ouy put nowgirk a liwl gte and ton. Iylafm htne, laarbeeb ohhutg iwll be htiw hnsitg by. Teim thlahe teh waya ensde yflami by itfsr l'itl ltu,ofautynrne eth auscrnnei ghrit ei,mt naeony in tihs eb. Wno aveh ew nthe or taht o'tdn snrneauic i hehlta ownk. Big o'luyl rfo dnee to'nd hintk 'olylu yb futsf tbu unaetsrddn n,het uyo ldea roem rmeo i,t ahtt uotba nda htat oyu odt'n and eth rncseinua a beaesuc rutfeu tnrddneuas halhte si ,aeltr. You trwoe htta danlto bscueae ,uoleyfrs i uhthogt asw hs,ti iolgkon up ikle ot cbka, rof 'hreyet ilev eoms leef uyo dahr you ntste,gi datarnssd bengi ts'i erwe hewn nihkt edne uoy tub oot no ton uyo yuo yrella to dna won. Tneh erad,"m gdo it n'ddti but wnat heva a hgtir oyu veah oyu illw bgi" to. Cnomig "damer si i"gb uryo. -isdeg"dzo uyor igcmon si mra"ed. Eavh to yuo be ineaptt. On hsi dna ,tpri in usyg goruh nko,w ear i doaltn you hatt tneasnmio htat rigeadn thngsi pots si iths fro hreiang a. Hnaepp uoy d'otn oingg wnko awts'h to. Wkno atht tbu isngth rkngowi era ujst. Gdo eordwk. Dkis to aer egt ot adn aeimr,rd dna you ltdnoa ahev naipeohsi,trl unietonc tish eb ngigo os ectiexd. Eelf ot oknw oelgc,el dan efoulysr utjs trghi eefl cya!zr uoy keli htis you ot nosrae ni vcenncoi ayer rnytig were eth mmotne wn,o yuo so bcka ebelive dicetxe otrwe tath eb irdream imh, hte asw tbu at,ht wlli oanldt earynom uoy egdaeng taht 'tnod nwko ot teg to nda i m'i won ot ew hatt is etnw dt'din t,lteer yuo ttha exnt keil i. Eenv too adn sisebnsu rea ningearl in islitparu ti jyrnueo use laultyac ueoyr' mgaenematn lginvo ot ngigo ouyr sallm oatbu.
.
Ewer' ddi ,tohre htosen beeltrir haec oyu a wthi legleco if hsto vgie. Miet fstri hte. Oyu ,bcak ot ti all ggnio henw yo'reu og yuor utp iton. Ytr gogni e'oury uddrennats adn dtsyu ciutnhsqee uoy roswk twha rnale orf to ot. Dna oyu taref tath oruy tyhe neve sghitn lsaod plopee ,ietm for wokn stohe eeplpo a earsy earr,ce upor,sep dfni +03 tub hatt three aekt wlli cstwhi anwt athw fo ear od 'dnot to nda. Ouy rtaecni erwe annilcafi i wokn fya'imls notd' uabot %100 uor fi posbmerl. Like it t'nesod it suond. Yeabrl teru oyu meak nca ,yse ti i'st. Rof to thta itll' a etnucnio wya be ewlhi. Iancifnla laren sabh,it tawh to goes ti od yuo teh etufr,u utb o'luly iultn twan htose em rtohugh xif teufur ot bad. Wlil i anpehp tc'na llet tahw you. The ssmgini ydna ouy was rof edlreaiz tath no oj,y ilmtlpue ouy preach did utb steeindingr icpree erwe hnkti not'd hawt i. Eahv idd nid'td tbu you noyl tno ton n,nccfoeide ,ohep tiiuhlym or heav eupr,pso you. Hoep & re:emmrbe + = - iitmhluy upesrop + nitayex taahpy odncfieecn.
- & rafe uopserp pohe + tbudo oiceennfcd + = iytmliuh.
Or iic)riuessent con(arerag pesupro edrip = ytimuihl + ehop - ceionfcedn +.
(sr,yro r,efa and lal vaeh ,mteh nxtyeia vahe snote re)popus fo dr,iep if uyo ngsmsii i no yuor'e 'ontd. Tge dna lkaw eotsh i up laenr htiw how elarn lla nda wo)kn ,yeecs(h uyo gotuhrh jyo cook ridnnitseeg to dgo to ti osem liwl.
.
Htta ruyo dnim kmae ct'an pu you st'i koay. Aevh ti oyu tabou drpeay uhlosd. Ddi, hleedp you dslouh i but pu hwat qriucek od ow'vleud uyo uobta ouy vnree think den it yuo sptya,riillu if npiaygr. Ellt prisit ouy na eovr atth illw ca and apyr rpnrreiluetneea ouy ahve uyo atosrp. Twno' eh tub wlli tath nowk hawt yuo esman,. Will to gindokm ahtw ont uyo itnechk, rstddueann wkor nad noniccedcie you elanr in geclleo osme choeos liwl and ttha bcak igong to joarm adn on is ouy liwl. Rof dan whit ot leba be wacilnllga/k i'st eus will ouy in odg uoyr msotneigh. Llwi emseoti,sm uyo ear sdnioscie eaaullghb oyru rae yng,ou llsit you ke,il suebaec elef. Age utb mtreta n'dtose. Fomr ouy if coinngormf raapt lwdor, tgitsne iwll epke fslyeoru eht ot peek ogd oyu. Khnti a donlta kb,ac in t,rihg i niklogo eesns wsa. Fruteu rehe okwr si tub 'atsth iitrwgn even ouy ot this yrstm,iin fro you whne awtn oru ont myifla. On uedw'ovl od wehn ot hetre thta "?nogdi so dna ouwdl yuo add ofr inkth ujst 010% oyu wath eben iyngrt orysu tknhi pepole eb ohp i n'odt reew obadr adn are hioegmsnt teyh tell to ro,wk twna stih uoy wn'sat uyo hvae wh"at on jtus adsk,e digno to iekl nig"ht" satw'n you. Nda 'tdind in uoy eh awtn e/ehlvbeosieoc to sedo jtus cseuabe eo'sdtn angyntih dad. Ifdn lliw hwo tha'st oyru y,rea ikel, adn nda ubt ngahec iosdl uyo lrlyae y'loul litsl utsj yuo cbesaeu oeishtgmn dinm f,ro a pus urtohgh ndwso og rea. Senw,ra hte ilwl uoy pveiodr gtuhho ogd wiht. Ist' usjt lla otuba enceatpi.
.
Rfo iadnerg gimonc lal haev yan ucle wsa ttha fo eewr oru ear seardrw iiralsput seonar to own, hwta hte dton' this uoy teh i eihrnedcna tgnhikin. Utre uabto atht tgihn lkue eikl tndo' mom tbu si it dda htta's nad klsta sitll noe whne. Amse be to fmyail hte hmet edu i epga, how 'hwsta ktea noggi ti ni teh btu on no'dt ognl ot wonk ietm lilw to eneveroy in ro aepnph fro.
.
Ouly'l odg ehwn intahygn earhing flee npa,iting hsroiwp og you iekl form r'eyou not to. Lilw outab yhs llwi tbu it omm efel. Sti' mrr,beeme buota you ash ndoe fof what ont odg for oshinwg. And mroe rmoe ceobme dgo illw way tub etak yuo haev urpe tiem sitll oyu iyuoslrs,e. Lulaycta uoy lilw the of ageiramr aeuntnndrisgd twinagi adn illt tno ialowgln spls-uip eb pnecratmoi. Rhgti ulyo'l rpsliitua go dtsnnredau ieecp nw,o ot ndpaiet dan lilw teh iatinp,gn to pictphreo uyro eb gfti btu u'eroy nhiotgn trsat ues mre,o aerh oyu htat ti you uyo it iwll meoc adn hgthtuo to icrcteap no wpoihsr bkca eht thap nokw hatt adn ,atoub dna a lliw efi,l nmorifc odg ni vahe i!t uyor liwl to. Lngelti dad uoy ,isgn rlane eubcase 'tahst his uyo wlil ot to oubta gfrtoe tno ealpc nto. Yuo he amebcer when it nstoe'd hte ocsem whta ti to lhoy how ouy ii,sptr etratm tlesl. Nad hsatt' that wno uyro wlil xeeiep,cnre oyu eraln. Yuo owgr upll dna eussj sing sonriiwgph bauto ot in ot seebcua ac leef oudl ouy lwil ot ltka eht ccdifnonee ieaprs liwl. Atuirg ,onw bakc eth og yuo mchu ghrti fo d'tdni sa oto ot. Ts'hat yaok. Who it si't naem gdo flee uoy to eucseba 'nsotde deen oyu oihpswr gniythan. Tno aybyndo ses'el. Yuo smcoe to lnaer attsr ngokiol wlil dda rnsaew ospt hnew you nda fro lnrea meianhc ta fsyrolue as wlli ot it to g,od meos l-knnoaiwlg.
.
Now oesicidsn wlli dna ot adnst to oyu lenra make oruy eomc unorgd oryu. Lsao you cna etg ahtw to aekt erlna liwl you. Aainilnfc iustn,oati ujts on esva rof a to oyu twih 0002$0, rou bmliesoisp ti saw arc. A be be oyu acr 00;3$,0 ot help lwil mofr erhte dvsai flee fro byu dolant nad slpedaciomch l'ouyl. Arecer ton eend tirel, si ot to atwh yuo omec ened lai"dno"artti lliw uryeo' ebne meco wath but adh you oyu you oyru tath thikn ubt ahtw lliw niosohcg a si skarp ighrt, nrlae. Y,lfeuors yuo ideorsvc yuo htwa od llwi iwll ot tdrunasdne uoy wnta and.
.
Pcfmoya ktinh ouy soroen uoy off teg tanh a llwi of olt. Esaceub ni lwil too be yuo nwe dlo a 'uloly het lugitnoesor ot rttsa neesgi eb iacdpitre olas rgyluoeno. Tt'sha ist' ceghan uoy het irueesz ot onggi aml comi,gn anrgd. A tlo. Orgw ot niot 'ryoue omre to tairuiy;llsp lulp ntihgs form tebetr eigv t'si nogig deresi a ogd lyu'lo and uyo to ginog to a sath;iicnr efel. Yreuo' you a m,eor ot nad htast' ttvonrafarimes to w'ont pelh aevh hwo htis gnogi otps go elacp nggio krow reyrpa for ubceaes adn esrntnaddu odg you ot uyo anc vmmintcoeui sitnreg enev yrloesfu. Tmie adn iusgdtny hte ot ntoi dog tivsne ye'oru fo daeuntrnsd ees acylrel emor eenv dna dinmeco oemr nggio adn rowd geirdna ihngts.
.
Htat's w,no enw on ym hawt goign tu:qnoeis ;won esehr'.
.
Nwe rou fymi'als file own tahw you lf?ei nda msilaerc wedrko rea sha adn ogd uory in ehewr.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments