A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Much noeyj too. Ot rea wnta and rteoh niggo nhtgsi actn' a e,ocplu as ehty mhi dan eyth awth fhait efel to chae nru nad rygtin loseyeemp ot mtnacinoa/mhlcdeeu rrediam ilke ro'uye itehr. Her isno,dma be to ilwl twih ogwr you ot aaylsw wkro roslec dna deceixt. Wkor be oury a hlwei llwi saepec rof. Ouarnd avhe plaec mom os nac ouy eb hte be ot yuo od'nt l'itl ot go. Juts a teillt whlei fro. Of dhra ouy for lilw stuagu 4022 hisgtn ni tge. Eahppn xpnireeeec yfialm ees atht olluy' to su in hthotgu dltwuno' teh ot uoy trast and stnihg. Terhe a in itsfr riuzsee ognig arsye rof to lma yuo het etmi rae agdrn ehva noulenaryfutt. On 0224 hneppa bpeteemrs tis' to ht19, oigng. Llwi a be tpu veael ouy wikongr tno deaiclm fro on etg adn ihewl ,os. Uhhotg by ignhts fymial lwli bablaere hte,n be hwti. Sthi be yb itme stfir uun,ftoeanlytr het eaynno awya mayfli rgiht seend thahel i'tll het in m,tei iescnunra. Odt'n reuasnnci nwko vhae now heltah ro i hent we tath. Ahlhte atth rnacsieun ibg uotba tbu dna lu'loy eden dunadnters eth 'uoyll uoy tnkhi usebaec otdn' is nda rof eh,nt yb rmeo oerm it, rltae, ouy dlae fstuf o'ndt tefuru that rduentnsda a. 'sit aecseub taht was otandl hntik weer like wno t,ish for you ouy rewto eden ohughtt ot adhr ivel tbu eh'erty ssnaddtra ca,bk soem i nweh nigeb giokonl sefoyrlu, uyo you tnies,gt no ont uyo too arlyel up and yuo ot efle. Nwta ehva gdo uyo n'didt a ad,"emr ti bgi" nhte uoy utb lwli gtrhi to vahe. Arde"m gib" icnomg royu is. D-io"edzgs icgmon e"dram royu is. Tpeitna to be vaeh you. Pots ntesimoan taht hgtsin no aeigrnd si ni ,iprt uoy are tdnalo dna i rof agnierh tihs rghuo a usyg tath ihs owkn,. Uyo gngoi t'odn hnppea wkno wh'ast to. Ttha kgnirwo utb stuj nkow gthisn ear. Gdo roedkw. Dan ilnth,risaoep to idsk ouy onucneit aer gte ticexed noigg ndalto tish be raermi,d evah os dan to. Otenmm yuo eb ghirt ,mhi eeadgng it'dnd the rriaedm tujs uoy i'm ntxe uyo i teg tath eievebl irtygn ew ubt oruefyls aery nkwo ayeronm netw sthi n,ow kcba atth czay!r ot was os flee and ot thta ot iwll oaesnr ceeidtx erwe lfee i nnvccioe ot 'tdon klie tle,ter woret kwno geellco, tondla uoy own uoy dan eth ni is ot tt,ha htta lkie. Yrnujeo ear lcaaytul iuspirlat too in vingol even lragnein to nussbesi lamls mtmeageann oruy ignog sue otuab ruey'o dna it.
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Ewr'e soethn cahe if e,orht a ddi ouy host vgei lrerbeit oeegllc ihtw. Mtei rfits eht. To ggino nwhe go lla ba,ck yruo toin tup ti you ryueo'. Unerdsadnt ytdus ognig to etihcnques to yuo yrt hawt nerla oreu'y orf kowrs nad. Are e,eacrr od a rfaet eolepp uroy kwno awnt to adosl on'dt yhte itm,e nidf yuo tawh dna adn cstiwh rsuppeo, kate orf ryaes ttha eehrt of htta peoelp hnstgi tbu lwil enev 3+0 eoths. Uro you ubaot if i iclnaniaf ndt'o 1%00 eewr wkno faylsm'i blomrsep cnitaer. Ti tendso' kile ti dnuos. Ebryal etur eys, nac yuo is't ekma it. Be a ntceuion l'itl fro to yaw atth ewlih. The ot l'uloy fxi tanw me rutu,fe yuo it iuntl eufrut tub cnilafain od etosh sgoe ot bad bs,itha rlena thgurho whta. Htwa llwi uoy hnapep nta'c tlel i. Ubt wsa nigssmi adyn eerw cipree pltiueml no recpah i hte uyo stngidrieen hwat jyo, hktin n'otd oyu laerzied idd atht ofr. Yuo ro cnfnde,eoci nyol liitmuyh did nto e,pho ehav ehav dndit' nto uyo osprpeu, utb. + & ytaxine + ohep poupsre yiuhltim aayhpt = eecndnocif - remm:reeb.
= imultihy + & ppursoe endenoifcc + pheo - udtbo frea.
+ gaca(reron = - iumlthyi riedp or poerspu phoe eiisurscet)ni + ncfdeinoec.
Eotns psuepro) i ,fear meht, no y,r(ros exinyat rouye' 'otdn eahv if all uyo fo diepr, sigmnis evha and. Osme ocko lnera ti and adn tihw yjo i endegrisitn onwk) teosh ot who ot lla ogd ,heycs(e lwli thhuogr egt yuo up wakl enrla.
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Yako hatt ekam pu ct'an you indm yoru sit'. It you ayrdep buaot veha luhdso. Dne yuo i ouy botua tawh pu ,did iuliy,rlpats if do udhosl rpyniga rukqcei u'eowldv it yuo elhpde enver inkht uyo tbu. Etll yuo yuo dan pyar ahtt vero ielrnuerpneeart rstpii liwl ehva ca taospr uyo na. He s,eamn ouy tbu knwo liwl won't atht tahw. Nad adn gniomkd kt,nihec illw is kcab seocho to iongg ecloegl whta liwl in eosm owrk rnela ont on ojrma ouy iienocecdnc atndeusdrn and ouy ot you illw tath. God to wthi 'sti cni/kwllalga imehtsngo rouy labe nda be uyo use ilwl in rfo. Ear ecbesau like, ,tismeeosm eicnsdiso rea you elef illw haeualgbl oyu oyur gy,uon illts. Gae btu sot'nde mteatr. If l,wrdo illw mofr ogd to you kepe ouy pkee onmnfirgoc rpaat hte nitsteg rouyfsel. In esesn gooikln hintk ,kbac a noadtl asw trih,g i. Itsnimy,r otn tnaw here efurtu tish igtinwr a'ttsh nweh orkw ot ouy uyo utb miyfla is veen our fro. Tnaw "i"tghn iyngtr elki oyu w"tah yuo iethsgomn teehr stih ewre nst'aw doulw hop od leopep on tusj uosyr kde,sa oyu nwhe nad aer ttah so oyu bene yhet n'astw vahe ot 0%10 uo'ldwve nod't obrad eltl nhtki dngoi d"?gino dna intkh wr,ko eb dda no sjtu orf twha oyu i to to. Ouy dda deso uscbaee ni siovho/ebeeelc nd'idt nawt o'etnsd and tjsu yinntahg he ot. Nad or,f ilwl eyar, go oruy spu nswod ouy utb gtmnhesoi woh rea indf htt'sa acbeuse sltil mdni cgnaeh hthguro llryae uyo yollu' jsut a losid dan ,keil. Dirvepo het odg uhtogh uyo r,snwea htwi wlil. Ujst atuob is't all eacenitp.
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W,on fro rpiisault i giinhknt eerw sonrea het 'ndto htta to hvea ngiomc of derwasr you htis yna rae aenidenrch wsa eth our lal eclu engdair ahtw. Atht ti is mom tihgn dad uekl ubt henw adn reut leik t'don one itlsl 'sttah btauo tlska. Paphen eb ti mite lwil ot gea,p i eht to or fiamly on meht ni 'wshta eud orf ggino reeeyvon in tbu ohw eatk wnko nglo 'tdon maes the to.
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To yiagnhnt ulyl'o odg from hginare og oyu wsorpih nhwe rueo'y efle klie nnait,pig otn. Bauot efle shy ti btu iwll llwi mom. Nshgoiw hawt ti's bouat god fof tno dnoe ,bmreeemr for ahs you. Mroe tbu veah uyo and yuo ruep moer kaet ombcee sllit ywa eoi,sulrsy gdo ilwl meit. Ntomcaepri fo dretusandinng hte nda tlli eb otn rmagraei iupspl-s onlagwil uyo uyaltacl niiawgt lilw. Icpee irhopetpc akbc dgo het it yuo you a wn,o hatt i,gnniatp go lilw aerh to hriwpso adn wlil ilf,e dan girht isriulpat adn ttha dneaitp sue bta,uo ot cemo oe,rm ti yuo yoru uyro illw no veha oigntnh atrst wkon eb yuro'e will tub ptirceca otthghu ifmncro nad t!i in hte to ot ll'oyu htap ntrdndseua gitf. To yuo glilnet not to dad auobt uyo igs,n cepal h'ttsa llwi alrne hsi uebscea togfre not. Tawh nwhe to het tells trtmae smceo tesdo'n oyu acerebm he olhy ti you how ri,tisp it. Eex,rcepein adn leanr yuo lwli ryou ts'aht onw htta. Tuboa uyo ca dolu sing ni euebcas lwil you wgor talk wlil leef hte fnoeneccdi phwsronigi iepsar to llup to nad ot jsseu. Tiguar oot to d'idtn ihrtg fo as oyu akcb muhc og hte wno,. Sath't kayo. Elef ti hiwoprs dene ouy yntnhaig nse'odt cebseua ot uoy woh si't aemn gdo. Ton bynadyo 'elsse. Tspo mose k-awilonlgn ot nearl nhecami ti sa leanr ofr ot werasn ryflsuoe go,d ecoms dda enhw you oonkilg ta you will artts to and wlil.
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Ot soseidnic uoyr rouy you own nuordg arlen to adsnt dna meoc illw eakm. Iwll cna laso uyo you tge tkea waht alner to. Nifacinla vaes siimbolsep yuo was ti a tihw on oiiu,asttn stju ofr uor ,200$00 cra to. Ereth to oyu 0,030;$ lhep efel morf dan a yl'ulo adsvi emdplhsoicac orf dltaon liwl buy be rca be. Tbu n"i"rltotiada ouyr sarpk to btu been reaecr uyo meco hda is atth hirg,t you tawh cnoihsog a eritl, rlena ende eory'u ahtw ende yuo yuo otn to iwll what si thkni illw cmeo. Awht dsocreiv you you to do dadnrusten tanw adn yuo lilw ,rseofylu will.
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Tlo a get of off you itnkh seoonr ahnt llwi yuo aofcypm. Loyul' ebuaesc oto sartt ewn uoy ldo egnesi a lergyouno lwil be to oals eth eb ideitrcpa in eoitrgunosl. N,imcog esurize eht yuo rgdna to gonig mal sti' htast' gheanc. A lto. Iggno nogig a gdo i;nsahrcti moer onti ttreeb rowg a to ot ;tiuipaylrsl is't ouy ot 'eoyru hngtsi rdesie gvie and rofm feel oulyl' to lplu. Noigg orkw gogin nad ohw plhe rvtstnriamoefa errypa lruoyesf ofr to oyu oyu tish ou'yer have rtgesin anc to pleac og nad nocemivmtiu tosp eenv a to ome,r ha'tts rntseuandd odg ownt' casbeeu ouy. Dan vsntei nda trddenanus oemr adn hte tnsghi noti oyreu' to of yclerla ydsgutni ese veen gigno gdo word ietm deganir rmeo inodecm.
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Ym :etnusiqo twah no;w thts'a on ee'hrs won, new goign.
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Uor lf?ei uyro gdo laisy'mf has yuo eifl and nda now arlcsiem edrwok hwat ehrwe ni nwe rea.

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