A letter from Apr 14, 2023

Dear FutureMe, hi. Imagine if that was the whole letter, God how pointless would that be ha. I'm not really sure why I am writing this I feel empty and a bit lonely which sucks because its almost definitely just my period. We will probably still remember this day in 2 years, because typically we remember all the things that aren't remotely useful but just in case I figured I might give us a recap. Thursday 14th April 2023, We stayed at Nyx's for a sleepover and it was good, I laughed so much it hurt, rolled off the sofa, noo pawed me in the chest by accident so many times it hurts so bad??? She is such a small dog you wouldn't reckon it'd hurt that much but you never know I guess. She was less grumpy when we walked her this morning and she got to run around and then we gave her a bath. I don't think Nyx understands fully how much it means to me that I am able to escape my house and spend time with them and the rest of our friends, it literally saves me everytime, I don't think I could handle holidays without it. I love them so very very very much. Then this afternoon I supervised Els making some chocolate cornflake cluster things because Kimmy is coming tomorrow afternoon after Els has been to football. When I say supervise I mean I did all of it except breaking up the chocolate and then let her have all the credit because whilst I know I'm not a good older sister, there are some things I have to do. Then I spent a little bit of time looking for a prom dress, I've decided on a black one from Boohoo, it's not too pricey so shouldn't hurt mum's bank account too much and she said it was pretty, I guess we'll have found out by next week when I am back at school. Then I did lots of physics waves revision because I swear I am so bloody bad at physics, I might end up scraping by with like a 5 or something but it'll be okay I just need to pass, and then I have the one science I need if I go to Salisbury Sixth form, really I want to go to SWGS but I am trying to be equally optimistic about both options because I know either way I'll be happy its just a matter of comfort and not wanting to have to start from scratch and build all my friendships again yk? Speaking of hows the prospect of an autism assessment referral coming along, in my big life plan you should be on a private assessment waiting list by now. I'll do the maths but if I save up enough money from odd jobs and birthdays and christmasses then I should have enough to pay for it on my own and that way mum can't deny it. I want to mention it to my therapist, do we still talk to Evelyn? I mean Dad pays so I am assuming you didn't just give up on therapy especially if its of no difference to your budget lol or I suppose our budget. I don't really know what tense to write this in so we can suck it up and deal with it I guess. But that was today pretty much, lots of my days are weird currently, lots of them are sad but not necessarily bad, just realisations as I find more stuff out about myself and try to stop hiding away behind my mask. It makes me sad, that people find me weird and have always found me weird, they can get along with me if I talk about regular teen interests, which is a bit of why I watch Love Island I am not gonna lie, but also I feel like pretty priviledge definitely plays into it. Like I can get away with acting myself, weird, if I am all dolled up and look hot because then people just compliment me, other than that its just non stop judgement and the kind of WTF looks you know what I mean I hope. But anyways in less/more sad news, Granny and Grandpa are moving house finally, or at least theyre officially selling the mill and cottage this summer, Roux and I broke up, it was my decision and I don't regret it but I don't like how it happened and I think I could have handled it better but also they could have been less horrid and petty and guilt-trippy but its all good, I still act friendly to them and am trying so hard to stay above it but it is so HARD when they glare at me everytime I talk. Better news is that I am truly so happy with where I am in regards to friendships, I don't feel like I deserve them all at all, but I am immensely grateful at the same time and I owe a lot to them all individually. I've been trying to journal as well because my new years resolution was to write an entry each day and I promptly gave up because it wouldn't form as a habit so just felt like a mindless chore and I wasn't really into it completely so I gave up which I think was the best idea rather than forcing myself further and getting burnt out. You'd think I would be speaking about my GCSEs more given that the first one is in a grand total of 30 DAYS AND I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. I'm kidding I just permanently feel like I might start sobbing but I know I just need to try my best and it'll go okay. It isn't the end of the world and I need to balance school and prioritising my health and wellbeing also, I will say its a bloody fine line to walk. Purely because I haven't actually shown any of my friends my grades and stuff, I think I am gonna write what my teacher's predictions are for me and what I would like to get in each subject ideally, even if it might not happen this is what I want to aim for you know? Might be helpful given you'll be about a month, maybe even less, away from our A-Levels by the time this letter comes to you, might get your priorities in check idiot. English Language, predicted 7, I think 6 English Literature, predicted 7, I think 5 Food technology, predicted 8, I think 8 Geography, predicted 7, I think 7 History, predicted 7, I think 6 Maths, predicted 6, I think 6 PLEASE LET ME GET A 6, I NEED TO PROVE MY WORTH lol. Religious Studies, predicted 8, I think 8 Biology, predicted 7, I think 6 Chemistry, predicted 5, I think 4 Physics, predicted 7, I think 5 Also how is all the IBS stuff going? any closer to a definitive cause, because I was reading an interesting medical/psychology article about the link between digestive and gut health issues in many autistic and neurodiverse people, especially autistic women. I think I may be fixating on autism because I so desperately want to know and find out, even if i get not accomodations or help or literally anything to come out of it I just need to know if I am right. I don't know what will happen if I'm not, because then it means all the things I do and the traits I have that people hate me for or find weird and bully me for are just parts of me that are inexplicable, I need answers. I honestly do not think I will be able to live without answers my whole life, I just wish mum believed me and didnt dismiss me, because I don't feel like I can trust her at all or completely be open with her anymore and that really hurts me and eats away at my soul. I dont know, but sometimes thats all that you know, that you're uncertain, unsure, and still figuring things out. Take time to grow and discover who you are. P.S Also I am having a minor identity crisis and a bit of a gender one too so that's fun, hope you've got that sorted out by now. I am just gonna stick with queer, I don't feel the need for a specific label in that area of my life which is so weird because i crave order and control in literally every other aspect. Idk P.P.S I love you, love yourself, love others and love the earth. P.P.P.S also swim in the sea more often, it makes us happy and helps me appreciate my body and myself for who I was, who I am and who I am yet to become and I think thats really beautiful, so be nice. Lots of love - Lee, aged 16 maybe they/them, but dont tell anyone yet