A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Ve'i nrgwo mhcu i ueabcse encis igsnraeasmb) kthni woh tbi oswhs it. .
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Ftdlcifui i wsa haiydbrt itb ym thta tmaid a. Tgwrnii aws m'i tpetyr mshotn isth that otw itihgnkn yrelp bda het aowdrst i ewke teruuf ginailprs ubt ,afert. Inradedg gdntauoria tfel adn i iteno,irslspha adsrtet os nda titeanryncu mhcu i gnundrurosi yumiomntc sdenlyud. Oodg am my wsa a pietdse oiy-j- ulacat drfnise dna lelfdi seesdbl ,ttah tireh voel utb btirydah be toosmghi,snrc with vlose amilyf yb suhc to dreruusdno em dan. Nnaa nagihv up a idd eens saw aws hgitn aanaln, & ,amem tpstertie rvee veha yb arrsrytweb ti i dna end het ohmedmae ekac; i it latylcua. Cisedouil at immsdu rdneni adh a i shoeu. Smelyf fro em to cetdeelfr tbu itsdxee rtnpotaim i veah letert how ader ew yerve rsnivoe no woh oyur is egarc ofr dan it bkca mpiecterf eerw of dan sh'att. .
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Btu 7,1 feel eswetn!it tath lefe i ot kile i konw tisll so ,tnoesh caenhgd my be ni eikl m'i do then tnod' mcuh nicse mi' tisll v'ie i. Lgsbnsie lfei ot ym ive' cotnu bale ill' eoms fo bnee "le"ldichki peek simywh it ni hatt so ttha a. Bdotu ddi rptumcoe tgsnih i it in t)hat?,? ,yse idd inreegnnei,g mi' lal kaem ouy fo loelcge y(wh nad orgimjan noit. Tub is pu txepedce (i oals fenrfitde of ti's nreve it nhat dne peeecerinx het ym ni we so li)sniilo hte whta egsatrte bymae bnee othguht of lfei di' drsleoficn. Adn e'iv os owh vcresedoid wrogn oespnr sa mhcu eallyr dan radh t,gnshi asd ydas iv'e a ubt i dha ma. Eendd -wihlc-aederh mfor raitystviner year gsiifhinn dwno a own is nda pu pogru niamzga in an ym egpptisn etbersiwtte sa atth esrdpalhie up nvee ronuij lslam adn yemsfl i'm i fonud tymnmociu. Vie' edsfirn ndfuo iglfn-oel. Orf teh buato veah pnsrhieint i ali-ghltersn rmesum !); up na hte even liend. . . Hhe. If kwon nt'od nya i eertbt si my plese uheedscl. Htat i,t sywala own tknhi i tbaou wsa rttepy it abd. Pu ot eeitlnydfi cmuh ekaw gegtuslr a it's leray of eorm.
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Ngaai si,gatnk i lduosh hitw jtus nwhe tngakis rkeyewvee/ og rteetl ahd ot alkt i ihts that s'it obaut nyfnu week ouy atdster eevyr hhngta acebesu hoert adre. -rhgt-iti si eefrngi 'yuero. I eleievb teuqi lsao erafhsnm ym ro ogod negtto ,eary ei'v alneglldribro up it !ont acualtyl kceipd. Os smsmuer tidecex an cerltcie i oga ghtobu )tath uoabt agtiur 'o(uyd and wot eb. Rptyet my not ta ritgua my 'alpigyns ahtt hucm si btu trtee,b tgiaru tlaes.
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Escrou ingrwda 'im sitll of. Drehra nda rathgft,i mit!e nifd the my to to seusg wdar aaryujn i'st enoovntcni spta magzian frist odls tosm fro i of iuetdos tblade eeexpricen hte etmi i art was ti fisrt my isht at but i. Neev ni otu kcab net mead i tup nda sdol tawh i miste. Wblon aws saw olco woh ayaw yb dan eyreonve i stippveruo. Selbyoltua 01/01 fo e-iagenn-va luwdo wkor saw fi excpeeiren, ti a od nto. Otu heert itugptn esngei yflems eomc ydlasip orwk a now utre saw nad elki adrem my no. .
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Vxeordrteet ahev deeecvirdsro cmoign onup li'l i to loeelgc you wonk my dsie. Ynam 'ive mte so opleep inerlicdbe. Ear ecom ,engo my i lief dna oherts lwehi sfdrnei orf knwo ahve some. Sam nda alaann aetk. And a dolwu onti leoscts adnomr ran fsatcnodni tgnih a a elsbdumt woh etrest ugy ym teh lrig eemobc i otghtuh tow i of on mgea tnoi envre. I em mucmnoyti apdhse dboney ordsw dna sha sryuiltilpa in itlouaandyolfn attrrivse;iny hits hmoe udnfo. Thstru urhthog hsilpdsciepi anmy anlreed iv'e os dhra. E'vi ehort nsecovanrtios esdi teh tou dan omec dah arhd egonrsrt. Fliynla eiv' ti lte w"nko nonkw hwat adn to ot wdno adn eaerlnd asllw ecsrdiov be nesam ym. Teh pcellytome ash'nt uddllae i sytnireiuc awya " r,eriela ot as oegn. Ohtrse cevoi ton aeezrldi who in eht in ro in utb v'ie lies ahde ym awth ysas that ym me tendyiti vcreipee sthr,ci. Os and s,o ttah kwon doev,l i i for am i ragteful am.
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Dan icitdnen noe ,reya i nad otu t(a srechud 'vie ogen psu guhroth dwons )fera, reash erp eben laso tales leecglo morintca eenv seadk adn no ym fo fari inecs. Esti,m eeslarv hatt ta. Hocsol 'eldwvuo teoinhsgm e,pctxdee ever not i'ts you em ghhi. Hy,ea elegolc ahd distenm dt'dni dwaosrt noup garte nhew orwk uot gmocin ew emrberem thta htsaleprsi?ion ot rtscacyi htat. We arrsgicn nhfesrma long rfo arye tnio taht on,lg ehontsgmi us routynflae,nut a up time pdaele eddne. Eht rfo i of dan asttr gonl, lto urth on dne so i essermet a tlniu tsih ufaslt dan saw npnaugick msaahed tdi'nd my. Ithnk nflale btu tath csein iev' i etwic. Was for ywa os ct,rdeeje idd lednahd seoht lat)cyual dan agtrlfeu m(y ubt up hatt neo gopru the flleygcaru eleppo we iainoutts to of nboemrve sgnnfieocs end mi' smlal both last ,cedaol-er i. Rnuttisg a gtatuh ti eenv obuat enlesigf wee'r adn lorces iabinylrtulev my onw, otl hwti em rsohte nad. .
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A llist ssaoen t,i i ni to ofr aetugrfl lsngiseesn fo am gtirh tub a 'im uyg own rtncyleru giklatn and. Keli i yas i hmi would. Lucdo -tetnhbu- nbee no penrov iyr-a-heenwn gonrw llit' og it etngmei be and caft sha i liysgiurpsnr rdyuas,th ton sure e'erw if egiiglvi-nf. Nap,l ebtetr thta who irtgstun and ntah niem v'ie egnrnali his aer to to nbee sway rnrrsedue d'gos. Reseadgslr p,snhepa orf augreftl mi' tihs what erurtcn fo yug. So a ni i or ese ahtw spoeups omthn lew'l saephnp ihwt ttah.
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Fyalim thiw. . . T'is pcecdmitlao. It ouy aeelrzi nvee ahs if ,nbee lwsaya it nd'tdi etnh bcka. Punack a psheda olt vhea ot cgleoel ittell tath cfrode reltea to toyad thoser omcgni nvee woh aftyruonltune i ot fo rthsu em. Of otl itwh yrlvblanetuii htatnaetmc a hte ulsgtregs ses,siu. . . . Mset eerw yteh we ohw od eradis fomr. Smrte wtih ecom to ni nad utldiiffc ot rou onnsesekrb ti's eht falmiy bene. Eth eno ehrtar bnee eb udwlo leni-a-irganezoss ecrrnut i fo enhaeyrw grutgsles fo tihs ttah itbsgge ohem shtt'a ubt. Rfo urht, reisde dna oclrnto n,teh hte neve anehgil is ogd lolwys aerf,. Oevr ot ym anwt okay arieedlz ahev levsi tle i sti' het ipgr of og isrts'es ot 'vie. I to tdirh tdon' atpenr heav het be. Wnirggo pndaoertoh nsperta fhait yulalcat ym nad ehrti are in. Tutrs irhet seelbsd my sstrise even adn nlrq,eufeyt hwit mi' of ni rhe'tey me lslit to eth tylur ueonhg fatc tgtaenenge/asy wno atth me oughth resya rscoeu txet. Snoo hnew w,w(o eewr uoy aeg ouy eb eht otrew wlli isaaelbl ihst etterl. 'sthat acyzr. ).
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Il t,fca am kilgnat to i tlsil nfu. Enrve cdkkei i uessg ihtab i atht. Kcceh sillt eekpgni me ni he'tery.
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My 'mi si perrto ot tihfa evre pyaph ntah that ntgesorr. Ym cdoirves to elraly ot ntmea wno hitfa ekma had it awht my i. I emtna how dene i i uhcm resanntudd abck dgo ezildaer te,nh vnee hitw idtn'd a him ahtw pahiitosrnel fi. Remo shi ntha dan oogtmricfn ntserig eset'rh srpecene taht ilpmsy v-lfiiggien ghnniot neladre i in. Ielk isliutarp the adrtets mose gnrmino elibb v'ei pu, ndlpesisiic cbka evrye rgadein. Hsti rgiduonng hiwle im' ollyiono,crlcgha ibbel heowl to !nwo my who hghrotu ebne eneb hte eddeicd eh's nd2 ipshnag all yderbicnil uemlsa ogdo het t'si i ta for erda to nad efli elaezri. Deayvery i hawt inaeyxt ti trsut ssle futrue roabhr lkie kools ot him eht know i in uebaesc snmtemo eth ofr. For otko itahf as kahtn tn,eh a eht uyo vnee slmla sepst o5r-edl1ay- oyu of tetill cabk. Fo ocem eb vei' i opdru nhkti raf u'dyo owh.
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I i im' emedovhwler udpro you konw sjut so fo ysa adn to you tefl ahtt dawnte abkc te,nh. Pket yuo uhgegtd ;otu inogg aws radh whne ti you it. Deesme ysacr dan su teh i'm dlwro ibg ot esru. Mieetmsos ti litsl s,edo. Ehtre ehewr i adn ovtinicnoc hatt fieldl look i ubt rmfo os kbac go im' to afr maec twih listl at is. Cdblriieen goo,d i dan gte lpan aeenvrdut is na dsog' atprren to ni. Dyu'o me amdzae diteefrnf feli etlitl for oloks owh own ta ,em eb. So pirphae so, cuhm mi' tub. .
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Iegtgtn ofr oiptn hits ot me natksh. Gniivg rof not up shtank. I oyu loev. Fvei ls'et tergteoh ni rae!ys kool anrehto akbc.
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Ecneiys,lr.
The rmof uterfu uoy.
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