A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Ev'i ssbrang)aemi bit hcum tkinh ti i gwnor hwo eacusbe osswh siecn. .
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Was badhryti a bti clffiditu atht mdtia i my. Ptryte htat uftuer thsnmo was abd wto wgrtini eth i tsordaw stih plrye lapgrsiin hniktnig ekwe i'm at,ref utb. I ttardes nda duaaiorntg iurdnnrusgo nad lhts,siiaenpro iengdard mmcyunito seluydnd so i uanyerttcin mchu etfl. A j-iy-o ldefil eb and oelv dogo hscu endirsf t,ath by miyalf hiadbryt dna aws ym but ma dleessb em dstpiee claaut urnueorsdd whti ot ognsmisrhcot, vleso eihrt. Naan ti up aws dna reyrsabwtr saw i uallacty idd ti hmmoeade ahev eam,m a vere nighav nde snee & yb i anna,al eakc; teh nhtgi tstrtepei. At ohseu innedr hda a diumms ilcesodui i. Rmecifpet were ot nda ader esvrnoi lfsmey me erlett on rof thsa't tdexeis owh fro kcab ervey adn of itrnpoamt ehva ubt we i is grcea ohw ti tedlfreec uyor. .
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Llsti hesnto, hcmu do leki fele i ym censi i tee!tisnw flee vie' i ,17 owkn mi' like im' ubt so ni htat ot ltsli n'dot eb echdgna enth. So e'iv epke in of hle"kil"icd able otucn sywihm it ym slsegibn tath flei a that meos ot 'lli enbe. Ni (hwy y,es lal hsgnit yuo t,th)a?? dan neeeiirnngg, oegecll fo ubtdo amigjnro ddi 'mi ti ddi ekam otin i oerumctp. It in gseattre so elfi cdeetepx we wtha dne l)nsoliii of eebn ubt uoththg si (i tnah olas i'd teh bymae up vrnee of ym epeeeicrxn its' fidolcsrne edftfirne eht. Ardh but esoprn das sng,hit vie' ma gnrow dan uhcm os dna vei' i a hda sa sddioevrce realyl ohw dysa. Isginfnhi ativrresntiy erya ledpehsrai adn ni tath dened own ahcewer-i-dlh a isteerbewtt as is i adn elysmf nowd na mfor nujroi im' inaazmg dnufo lslam up up ym urpog vene gntspepi cmiuntmyo. Uondf srfeind n-elgfiol e'iv. Veen ubato aveh i eht mrsmeu gnsl-ihatlre na up fro the )!; eripnisnht liden. . . Heh. Fi n'tdo i seehucdl pslee yan tteebr is ym wonk. Ptytre wsa ti, bda inkht ylwsaa now that uotab it i. I'ts lusrtgeg to kwae mcuh leindtfiey fo larey a up ermo.
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Tjus ,nsktiag weevyerke/ henw i auecbes stardte giaan tuaob othre hslodu dah ot erda go fuynn vyree isngatk i talk athhgn ti's ttha telrte ouy iwht ihst ewek. O'yuer is geerifn -t-gihtri. Qetui ro ot!n re,ay ylcultaa eeilebv tgnteo 'eiv my gdebarlirnllo osal odog i nfhesamr ti up ciepkd. Ssremum buato elcitrce owt otbhug raitug eb uod'y( os i teceidx and aog tath) an. Uaritg glsayp'in lesta rpttye eeb,ttr ym tirgua is muhc atht ton my tub at.
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Of ngiradw 'im escuor litls. Rnaujya nfdi i to of i tub eadrrh ti het ptas to the essgu ceotnnoivn aazimng art it's trhagtfi, rstfi adrw tsih frist osld teblad tsmo emti i ym ieerncxpee wsa ta rfo me!ti my eiotsdu dna. I msite i in odsl dmea waht kabc uto utp dna nte enev. Nad was i wlbno cloo was yb aayw how sourtiepvp eveeoryn. Ip,reeexenc a--evgnaine ti do 00/11 asw a fi rwok uyltlesbao oduwl of nto. Tou myself won my ecom eadmr uetr adn ilke a wsa ttpuign wokr ehert gesine no piasdyl. .
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'lli iesd oirdescredev eolelcg xerortetedv ym uoy nocgmi aehv nupo nwko ot i. Tme os nlerdbieic ploepe vei' anym. I evah aer ogen, fsrneid ethors ehlwi adn emso life cemo wnko ofr ym. Ams nnalaa ktae nda. Rnvee ym othgtuh gema daormn oitn hte a glir sstecol who a on i of a loduw i ran tetesr tfiadoncns gyu cebome msetludb onti htgin adn owt. Hist oincmytum me edpsah owrsd ahs nodeyb in and fnduo i riylpaitslu audoitlnolfnya vatnrest;yrii moeh. Darh yman os grhtuho erdanel icphpdlseisi 'iev sthutr. Vi'e srosvoennaict ahdr dah out heotr ised meco eht rgsrneto dan. To liyflan anrldee ve'i emnas be konw" llasw and wnonk it nad tawh lte nowd to my virecods. ,eraleri tsah'n as poyctlemle to sceuitnriy awya eth i uadledl " onge. Ym oviec ni r,hicst cpeeiver htwa deah yssa ym in in hte hwo therso ont iindytte ve'i but seil atth eadlzeri me ro. Ldve,o ltrueafg adn i ownk atht i fro so, am ma os i.
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Rf,a)e eneb usrdhec oegn dsaek isecn i dna no and dna neo my iv'e airf tncneiid enve oelcegl (at slao rshae psu ye,ar huortgh alest epr of mnitarco donsw otu. Ta emtsi, seraelv ttah. Em ts'i cloohs etnhimsgo uyo erve ghhi ovewldu' e,edtxpec nto. Eah,y tsoarwd gelloce dinstme ot we nhwe tuo owrk dah gtrae ?asihlopetirns puon sycitarc tath gimcon htat eemrmebr 'dnitd. Ryae su ttenunoralfy,u atth ddnee srriangc niot edlape hasfmrne pu a ehnstigmo long ,olgn temi ew for. Nda rof ftsual adn otl eteesmsr my saw rtuh i on so het o,nlg 'nditd itsh fo dahasem ituln a den knugcnaip attsr i. Ubt ncesi eiv' ikhnt nalfel citwe i taht. I'm ywa i ew telfrgua aa)yulltc oncsgsnief edn of dna m(y eopepl edj,recte noeevbmr ot hetos btoh ae-,ecdorl pu for lmals ogurp so one oittinaus was ltas atth hte utb fuylgraecl hlaendd idd. Oelcrs me gutath nvee a irsgnutt tuoba dna dna ihwt lot ti laiultyernbiv eifselgn my stoerh 'were w,no. .
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Ntlgkia a ihgrt a onw utb of netrryclu issnlnsege tragulfe ugy in osanse 'im and i ltsil ti, ot fro am. I eilk ysa hmi luowd i. Ti atfc rwong hudtsya,r i dan aynewrihn--e -glieifving lcuod 'illt rues ntmgiee bu-nhtte- if has og be ton repvno lpgiriyssunr ebne no w'eer. That tnha usrrneerd nda 'evi ohw sih tiurtngs syaw rae o'dsg ot pl,an eimn etrebt eben ot iragnnel. Gyu siht epps,nha srlersegda errtnuc ahwt of ofr 'mi etafrugl. Ew'll pseoups ro a i wtih ppehasn atth ohtmn ni see ahtw so.
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Tihw ayimfl. . . S'it ticdamcelpo. Ti rlzaeie uyo ash fi it vnee syalaw ,neeb hnet tind'd kabc. Eterla sruth ittlel fo yadto ot have yuunetratfnol ohw ot me to ckunap thta a rsteho ahdpes orcdfe cogllee olt enve icmgno i. Esslrgutg usseis, hwit tlo a tmntehacat fo nbveailultiyr the. . . . Hwo do we rwee edisra yeth etsm rfom. Neeb etsrm in tiwh oecm nda aflyim to ot i'st eth oru knseebosnr ilcffitud. I duolw noe mheo of rhraet eht teiggsb thsi fo ntrecru tasth' but eb eebn hatt nehrayew gtsuslerg sznnieeroig--aasl. Adn ieghnal eiedrs rof nt,eh ogd enve eht si sllwyo r,hut fear, lcntroo. Og s'it lte want to vero pigr of i eht alzeedir si'ersts ot ive' vlsie yoak vahe my. Eth i idhrt to on'td be aveh ptnrea. Irthe ahfti ogwgnri tdrhpoaoen adn cyutaall rea paetnrs my in. Ot eth eyulfqtne,r ihter im' tcaf gtuhho neev em now me thta ni lstli egunoh ym rsyae uscero ney/tgeseatgna thwi of nad sturt lytur txte eelsbsd sirtses eeyh'tr. Age o(,ww treetl be ouy you enhw rewe lbielaas teh oons eowtr sthi wlil. Rczya hstta'. ).
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Anikltg ma itlsl i f,atc li nfu ot. Atbih dckiek i i gessu tath verne. Ni cckhe me sillt 'teyher pegeikn.
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Si ttah naht my ypaph rrgosten hifat ot roeptr m'i vere. Relaly ot my akem now vocrsied ti to atenm i tfiah ahtw adh ym. Nvee if tiwh hwo ilzerade mhi i tnmea i i edrtanndsu odg te,nh a ende hcmu rtsinoeaiphl awht i'dntd kcba. Nhat atth ieniv-figlg lpmisy crseepen ifrotgomnc i and ngntiho neelrda sih 'ershet tigrens mroe ni. Noginrm dattsre leki kcba up, lpiastiur dgnaier lebib seom ervye hte pldiiniessc ei'v. Dare lla odgo mlaseu ot ilef who rlzieea lwhoe 'mi itsh ilydricben belib hte rfo to ta hsnigap i'st cidddee been h'es loicollhgc,yoanr hoturhg ym n!wo teh nad leiwh i ggnouindr 2nd nbee. Thaw tufuer i bohrra het liek to i ytxiaen buseaec it tosemmn ofr the utsrt imh devayyer sels wnok kolos in. Took of even --d1ralo5ye fahti rof khtna a the allms pesst as tn,he back you liltet uyo. D'you emoc be i fo i've iktnh pduro hwo rfa.
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Duopr i edwant to yuo adn uoy stju ttah wokn sya verdewlmhoe i ,ehtn lfte m'i of so kbca. Uyo oging swa ahrd out; it tkpe hwen yuo ghugtde it. Nda hte mi' us rycas desmee bgi owdlr ot urse. Sotimmsee so,de ti itlls. Okol llsti go ot ta kcab orfm i so ovoiincnct 'mi i hiwt ubt erhet hatt far and came eehrw llifde si. Ni s'ogd dgo,o alnp an rebciliden i etuvandre ot si adn nrteapr get. Dezmaa orf lttiel own 'yodu eb ifle owh at fredietfn ,em em koslo. Tub so os, m'i humc hiarepp. .
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Ot atksnh inotp shti em ofr eitgngt. Kthans pu viigng rfo otn. I voel oyu. R!ysea ni se'tl hrgeotte olok fvei kcab oehrtan.
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Yniec,lers.
Het uyo uefurt mofr.
62/5/40[2].

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