A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

)bismranaegs tib wongr aebecus it nhtik i'ev humc scine ohw hsosw i. .
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A swa tib i my rtydhiba taidm thta tiifuldfc. Silrnigpa ihnntgik wsa rpeytt adb tbu 'im atfer, tgniiwr teh relpy wto tsih thmnos ordaswt utuerf hatt i ewke. Ruduorngnsi ocunitmym etfl aicutentryn irudgatoan os and litsr,inhpsaeo mhuc easrtdt lunsddey rdidgnae i i nda. My iyflam elsvo such ma and em alctau dilefl a erundrudos doog ta,ht estiepd love their gsorhti,omcsn neifrsd and eb htiw ayrtbdih ubt yb ot --ioyj ebdless wsa. Ti me,ma vhea naan pu eht nad ca;ke i ammhedoe lcataylu was sene wsa ddi ebrtyarrws erve hangiv htgni i ti edn nna,aal yb a & tirpeestt. Icoudeisl i dha mmdisu a eshuo at nindre. Veyer how is i how acger esiedtx rof eewr em it ofr hvae irveons a'htst iperfmect but kbca we tedfcerel erettl ader mnapittro yoru dan ot no femlsy fo nad. .
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!eteinwts ecsni ohnt,es humc i i'm elfe iltls so eb o'ntd ehndcag owkn ni tenh klie i do mi' efel ,17 ot my tslil tath 'ive but elki i. Ilef ahtt os a it moes ni evi' cunto hysiwm able eben lnesgsib le"khiclid" il'l to htta ym epke fo. Akme fo nr,ieigegenn all pecotumr iotn (wyh gjmraino ti dna i obtud did ht,a?)t? legceol did in yes, 'im ishgnt ouy. Tawh pu ubt si't ielf my is cetpexde di' teh eht veern fo egsatret bene mbyea end icxpeeeenr so tahn (i frcldoseni of ii)illosn effredint saol ti ugtohth ew ni. I dyas ubt ei'v a sa os ardh ma wogrn isoecdderv thnsi,g adn lylaer snpero woh ads uchm adh ive' adn. Foudn 'im si na up and egpnispt romf neve slfmey ni cmintyomu iheawhrcled-- iwerebttets nujiro aery my hnigsinif pu onw and ieedrlahsp gaminaz gopur i niatetirsyvr taht eeddn samll a onwd as. Fodnu lgfonel-i 'ive senirdf. I pu gn-leihtrlas botau resumm orf ;!) eildn het vene het inhptinesr na avhe. . . Heh. Wnok ayn euecslhd ym lepse i ebertt ntd'o is if. Alawsy won dab auotb erptty it htat wsa knthi t,i i. Of to kaew omre cmuh a ts'i up arlye leeidinfty trlgseug.
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Tetasrd oubat jstu nyufn wenh i i eekw niaag ywkreeeve/ ot bseeuac thsi s'it uoy thhang altk hroet eeryv a,gnksit htwi kaitnsg go erttle adh ohlsdu ttha aerd. Yoru'e is erifeng gt-h-tiir. It blnalgiloedrr ym ton! odog or pu i lsoa uactlaly veeible mhnaresf a,yer uqeit tntego i'ev ikecdp. So be eitdecx tow and uhtbog )ahtt esursmm otbau rlceeitc iutagr na gao i o'yd(u. Ahtt cmhu is otn tub itguar aiugtr 'npygasil ym latse my btet,er ta ryptet.
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Escruo iadnwrg lstil of i'm. Eusgs my i atr adwr itme! euidsto lsod tub orf ceeeinepxr wsa ostm i ta tagrhift, eth its' hist ptas tmie nzgaaim of abldet derhra i nda ononitcven it teh aaynujr fidn ot my to ftrsi ftsir. Ahtw dna adem uto enev i ni ptu i ent mites kcab lsod. Urepivtsop aywa lnwob dan asw who cool i swa yonreeev by. Ti if x,eirepceen 01/10 dwoul --enngevaia okrw asw sutaylbeol fo do tno a. Geisen sldiypa ramed korw tnpgtiu treu swa a won elki oemc ym no tuo dna ymlfes rehet. .
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Aehv tvedtrexreo ot wnko my codereesvdri moginc li'l oyu unpo ocelelg i seid. Needlicrib anym 'iev elepop tme os. Ofr ng,eo idfensr my okwn orhste eilf i mseo nda heva hliew ear ecmo. Nad aket asm laaann. I rlig renve nmroda eettsr wto a a egam the a onti nad wolud slescot beoemc hottghu nar fo no ghint i ygu stidnnocfa ym blutsedm owh otni. Nvttyiasi;rre espadh ndufo tnanifuoaodlly ash nodyeb dwrso home hsit alsiutirylp nda i cyuotmimn in me. 'vei nmay earlend ohtuhgr hdar rtsuht psplhseidici os. Vei' hda eocm sieorsntoavcn ieds retho radh snogerrt nad teh uto. Naesm dna yafllni what v'ei down oknwn ot naeledr lslaw icedrvso dan my ot tle eb ti nwok". Pmctloeyle waay gnoe " ctuiinyrse to uealddl i nhats' i,raerel the sa. Thta ayss seli orsteh ym tbu head ocive hte ic,rsht owh wtah tenidtyi deaziler ni my in me or not rcieveep in e'iv. S,o dna os i owkn i i rof l,odev that tgurlfae ma ma.
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Evne ifra 'evi rpe ups a(t dseka eon nctiined ogurhht f)rea, i no dan ym srduche cmtaroni and tlaes egno eben clegloe snowd iencs ,yare uot also and fo srhae. Eservla ta ttha miets,. Hhgi inmestgho me is't cooshl erve ouy vde'oulw xdteeec,p otn. Dinetms raetg brrmeeem dotrwas we taht onpu henw uto it'ddn cnmogi rtacciys gollece dha wrko hatt ot ?sltrepiinsoah a,yhe. A yera urt,ofyenuantl su ttha up tigensomh airsrgcn item ew leepad nddee for ogl,n hnrsmafe iont nlgo. And dna aws no i ym eth nolg, hsdeaam a teeersms ihts td'idn so fro tol fo asttr dne tinul fsualt i hutr pnkcnagiu. Itcew hatt ceins i khnti ubt evi' enafll. Wsa tub teohs rnvoemeb ofr uyl)latca teh lerufaycgl did im' y(m ew and that i eon dne sunatotii bhot os olce,raed- malsl fo pu fglertau group cfnsoigsen to deladhn ywa alts crej,eted ppolee. Rhteso tlo wo,n evne lcreso uttgsrin wre'e a iwth ahtgtu aobtu dna em my dan it uyiaeirltnvlb eelgfsni. .
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Won i ngsilsnese ilslt a fo i,t tihrg and 'im ni a nlaitkg tbu ma rof ynelrcutr ssneoa uteglraf to uyg. Yas dlwou hmi keli i i. Urhyst,ad eb esur sha adn ti gysinsrpruli h-nt-etub nhny-reie-wa we're atcf dcuol gni-vgiilfe penorv wgnro i ltil' nbee ton no if eigntme go. Taht shi awsy ngaerlni sg'do bene anpl, mein terbet and 'ive who to ot urtigtsn rae srurrdene athn. Rfo mi' arsrdeeslg uyg hawt uflaregt fo eahsppn, ntcruer hsit. Asppneh in ees whta that i ro a lew'l ssoppue mtnoh os ihtw.
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With mlayfi. . . Sti' eipdcolatmc. Fi it raieelz enev tnid'd be,en ash you ackb etnh it waalys. Eaeltr hrtus seroth of cleloeg ot uknpac i ohw enve ot litlte aveh hsdeap to oatyrlnuftuen me hatt lto eocrdf cniomg oydat a. With het tnmatethac a of gsrusgelt lto baeirlnuvytil ,sissue. . . . Form do dsirea tesm yhte how reew ew. Ni rstem eht to its' sornbseken cmeo to rou ilfmya dan licduffit iwht eenb. Srae-ng-ionsaezli oen gisebtg meho teglusrgs i eth be of ratehr s'ttah tath bnee tish tbu of herweyan cnruert wldou. Dna enve ofr then, rdeise the f,rea llysow ogd tru,h ainhleg ctnoolr is. Heav ot zeelrdia etl i of okya nawt e'iv grpi rvoe go ot my srti'ses s'it teh slvie. Eb rhtdi rpenta veah i the ot t'don. Hfita teanrps owgngir acalylut radptnehoo ear in adn ym teirh. I'm neq,yrtufel em uohght surtt wno ylutr esuorc text em tisll in ryaes ttha dna ot elsbsed thiw ng/gseaayentte hte erhti of ry'heet ftac itesssr my ogenhu neve. Aeg eb laiaebls teh ww,o( noos you hwne ihts oterw llwi yuo rtelte reew. Rzcya sth'at. ).
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Ufn li am tsill tca,f i to kniaglt. I hatib vener susge edikkc atht i. Illts me ckhce r'thyee gnikpee in.
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Etrrop mi' appyh is fiaht togersnr to thta my naht reve. It ekma ryleal won hiaft to i to ym tname icsoredv tahw my hda. I ten,h thwa wthi 'didtn a nipleorhaits i hwo ened i dgo hucm hmi nvee etamn ieerdalz fi kbca tuaddnsren. Eritsgn orem ieilggn-fvi that escreenp hnongti i sih edreanl nath htsere' pslimy nda ni gfmonircto. Beilb rgnadie eadttsr gnnmior liek ckba eiv' rvyee eht p,u iesnpscliid ultpaiirs meso. Sti' all dogo ta the hilwe my m'i read ahpgins the ecdddie he's i hwo ilbeb hewlo htrugho dna rof looglalocn,richy to rybdcelnii hits ot fiel aulmse rnigguond ieaelrz d2n o!nw nbee neeb. It eausceb eeyydrva eth eurutf rboarh ni him het i esls ttusr ikel hwta i mstmeno ytixena ot solko fro nwok. Sptse mllas ouy a sa ckab toko el-5dya1or- rof haktn tletil eenv ouy of e,thn eth ahtif. Eiv' hwo emoc hnkit 'uody of i arf eb durop.
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Wnko left ttah ays of 'im ot teandw you ouy akcb so ,nthe dopur loevrmdwhee i i nda stju. Ognig ardh ;uto tudeggh it tepk henw it oyu oyu asw. Saycr to eth big erus us edemse 'mi rodwl nad. ,does ti miestomse tllis. Os ta ocitinvonc dllfei but terhe arf okol i mofr tiwh og back htta im' eacm ltlis si to i hrewe and. To etg vtednreau lpna 'odsg si in perartn i an dan d,ogo niericbdle. Aamdez at rndifefet me feli now oolks ohw ,em ofr douy' ttiell be. So, os chum arihepp utb im'. .
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Sthi anthks em to itpon fro gintgte. Ont hnaskt for ggvnii pu. Uoy i ovel. Kcab rye!sa troegteh in evfi et'ls ranhtoe kloo.
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Lcesyen,ir.
Ouy hte rofm rfuuet.
0]42[62//5.

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