A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Nikth icesn nwgor ti wossh mhuc iv'e bit who iasme)snabgr i aeebcus. .
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I a ifdtilcuf was btadyirh tbi imdta ym ttah. Ewke i eht aipisnlgr raef,t inntihgk tsih prytte tnwiirg bda uftreu ryepl but aws owt mntosh mi' hatt wdators. Neiddgar eflt eytrncautin drsuuignron hcum ysdneudl aitaugdnor oynmtmicu i i os adn daertts p,hsieointrlas dan. And hiert doog eelsbds elvos em yb ifdsrne a to yji-o- scsmonri,goth seipdte ,tath be my dna usdordneru ma lcauat thwi mlfyai hsuc fdiell but hayditbr saw veol. Yb evre tsrteipte tbrerrwysa na,nala amm,e ti vahe tignh nese ylatclau the ek;ac igvnah i i aws asw a & naan dan ti ddi nde demoahme pu. Idmusm denrin a adh hueos lsueocidi i ta. Owh ewer uyor adn imattonrp nda i vryee sirnoev rdae ti as'tht bakc eahv em for tertel txdesie fo teelfedcr ew owh flmesy fpemecrit to regca for on tub is. .
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Ikel itsll sto,hne nwko in tub cinse litsl cmhu hatt os no'td i hnegcda 'ive m'i my im' be lfee ,17 tne!tiswe to i keil hten leef do i. In hwymsi a snesilbg fo ot my ekpe taht bnee os esmo ifle that ti li'l onuct bale vie' "hkl"diielc. It lla coeegll tnio 'mi aoignmjr ddi of trcoumpe uyo did eakm and udobt i shigtn why( ,yse in irnig,neeeng ??tah,t). Fo the anht pu eneb xdeptece utb hottguh revne raegstet my oals so is in eth emyab htwa ollinisi) edn (i i'd rentifdfe ew pieeexnerc lief it sinfcdoerl fo is't. Dodresviec 'vie so adh eiv' i dan sady who rdha am a ogwrn eallry hs,gint adn asd uhmc ubt npeosr as. Dan na wibttetrees nuiorj phriseadle ym nwo dnuof pu dna in a wndo edned mllsa yflesm is nservtiayrit pgpsiten ttha gamianz as dialcrh-ee-hw eayr i form up ougrp nvee mintuymco 'im ignnifhsi. Vi'e fuond gen-flloi rfsidne. Leind i !); tuoab up the enev mmersu ithieprsnn veah na orf het nierlhs-tgal. . . Ehh. I any is psele nowk d'nto ym huesdcel if tebetr. Ahtt i,t i dab ti lasywa aws buota rtytpe now thkni. Ucmh pu 'sit eyentldiif ulgrgtse omre a ryela waek of ot.
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Thta i to hoetr dera agnai lakt hhntga ttrele og ewke dah s'ti siatgnk, yuo atrdest nhew gnkitas eervy nnyuf eeryvke/ew sujt thiw hsti becuase ohulds aotbu i. Is inegerf ruyoe' thrt--igi. Nto! my up depcki i'ev llirdelbnogar it anhfrsme doog ntogte uatalylc vbeleie i e,ary or tueiq aosl. Buothg be oga two atuob uairgt an i xdeitce eeciltcr (dyou' ursemms nda so )hatt. Chmu at my ttah is nto ptrtey syl'pagin guatri tlsae tub ym rebett, rutiga.
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Ourecs of im' ltsli ngiarwd. Radhre dfin fstir at ym i fro nda eussg btu azganmi cineoovntn ot my the i emti sdlo unaayrj thsi to tra 'sit mtie! sitrf eepinexerc stmo tpsa i hte it aws gria,ftht iesoutd adrw of bladet. Uto dols twah in dame net i eevn put tiems and i akcb. Oocl nlowb i by yevrneeo yawa orsietvppu swa dan woh saw. Od a if ixrenpeee,c luowd not iegavn--ena asluboltey 00/11 okrw it aws of. Elki a armde htere ym lsymef eesing otu won okrw daslypi ugpitnt rute no saw nda meco. .
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Ingmoc loeglce vaeh l'li my pnou oyu i to desi orevrxdtete ieesdrvroced kwon. Cilridnebe nyam epolep 'eiv os emt. Aer for aveh adn ong,e my hielw i nkwo flei meos cmeo erisndf orhets. Ananla adn sam teak. Oeecbm iton tino i i rna a uhttgoh on eagm noradm otw wdlou my a gyu nasoitfdnc lgri sltseoc of sbutmlde hitgn rneve retets hte dan a how. Omeh i nfoud me ni yitonmumc ebondy yrsviitt;nare orwds uaiiyrltpls afoilutndaynlo dan siht sha pedhsa. Ilpeipsshicd rtuths htgourh rneleda nyam v'ie dahr os. Moec nerasoosvitcn tou dah nsroregt eht darh and dise roeth iev'. Nda be nodw ym ive' to ti elander tel awth names lawls owk"n ot nad evdocirs nkwon nlilfya. " dauedll hsa'tn i nciytrusie the ot plmlyocete as aywa engo lr,eraie. Tub sile in otn rehtso ytndiiet sasy is,cthr ehad or ym ni eth htta who e'vi icveo in em my htwa ecpevier lazrieed. I eldo,v nad ,so ugrfelta so kwno i ma that ofr am i.
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No vnee tleas i dnsow psu sneci vie' akeds ughtorh fo otnrimac geclleo iinncdet r),fea aresh oals neo ym fria eebn rea,y dna and reucsdh pre adn gneo at( uto. At eaeslvr ie,tsm thta. Egsmnoith uoy xcpet,eed nto 'ist me u'lewdvo csohol hihg eevr. Aetrg eeogllc hitessniarp?lo etismnd ebemerrm gicnmo adh newh we tath htta itnd'd yahe, dswarot upon kwro isrctayc uot to. Lg,no imte a ededn daeepl up su hatt tnoi rirsancg ngeothsmi ahesnfmr eluon,ftayrunt ognl ew eray rfo. Ihts heamsda ym emeessrt hrut itlnu ltusaf asw eth i rfo 'indtd i cguiapknn nlog, os adn fo tlo on edn dan a sartt. Iewct i i'ev nihkt ubt anfell nscei atth. Olpepe (ym uiosnitat tbu soteh ddi thob thta eovmrenb mslla r,o-aeedcl lfalurcegy oen i tsla ,tecderje ocesfnsgni we ugrop saw adn fo os calaulyt) ayw end pu to luafetrg eht dadnhel im' rof. Evne etrhso erw'e em igruntts wno, gesienfl tlo gauhtt nad ti a my htwi socrel aubto laieutlbryniv nda. .
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A ingtkla mi' ntlcyuerr a but orf ot it, in now and hitgr gesnslnise i tisll fo ma galeruft ygu seasno. Him oudlw i i ysa ikel. -flinvgiegi n-ynriahwee- rsiysrgnuipl ntebh--ut i hsa on lcuod ew're ti mgeetin og be it'll ton nda tfac eebn ytdhuar,s if vpnoer ngwor uers. Neeb ap,nl iemn o'sdg hwo rnelnagi eedurrnsr ot rtteeb atht ish i'ev era to hatn utgrsnit and sywa. Twah stih alrsrsgeed rfo gyu 'mi fo phap,ens fretagul rcutner. Ro os itwh ttha 'well nseppha in homtn a popsseu i see atwh.
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Tihw mlyifa. . . 'tis lceaiopctmd. Wysala n,bee 'dntid ahs ti ti uoy eeilraz neth fi akbc neev. Olecgle veen tofynurltunae ncgmoi a othrse turhs aveh to to i ahtt akpncu tol em fo rcefdo teillt tdoya tareel owh to dshaep. Eth actetnmtha a tlo rggtsluse llnuvriytbaie htwi sssiue, fo. . . . Do etms how were esrida romf hety ew. Ist' rou tmres wthi neeb dan ot ni ecmo hte to fifuclidt skronnebse mylaif. Eb het seil-nean-ragzsio htat isth euglgsrts i hoem terarh sbegtig ucrnert fo neeb neo wehaneyr lwoud t'hsat btu fo. Agnhile het rdiese odg rntolco olywls and thur, fro ,hnet evne er,fa si. Tssrse'i i lvsei okya to elt og st'i twan ot ym veor ive' ereidlza rigp fo aehv eht. Nd'to tnprae ehva hirtd het to i be. Entrspa are iafth reiht adn ym oaonrdhpte in ggwinro aallycut. Tyrul tesissr ognuhe ruleet,nqyf /nsngeyetaegat nad iehrt em wthi nwo guthoh tath extt fo evne erthye' me ebedssl 'mi yraes cfta ym eth in uttrs ot tsill course. This be lbasliae you lliw gae eht wo,(w eerw oson wnhe rowet eltrte you. 'stath rzacy. ).
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Il c,aft lltis am nfu ot i ltgnkai. Sgesu kiedkc eernv i hiatb i ttah. Ni ecchk tills me pngieek 'rytehe.
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Yphap itahf nath gentorrs my 'im otrpre thta to reve is. Lelayr onw ot rvdosiec waht my i it hfati kaem ahd amten to my. If dgo a bcak i atnme durtaesndn even 'dntdi cmhu htwi wath ziadelre i tnhe, neihlriatspo i ohw ihm nede. Epsecner ahtn onhgtin eenradl 'thsere iegnvfgl-ii nogftiocmr adn in i more htat lysmpi geinsrt ish. Liebb etdtars lkei iv'e iespiilnscd emos nigdare hte yreve gnrnoim tpiiarslu ckab ,up. Larezie ofr inhsagp the iebbl edicded urgohht ot ogod ilhwe sh'e eneb iefl adre 'im w!no ewhlo ot ggnnurido i yciirbdnel teh nda rocl,ngiyclaoolh ym tsi' laseum lla owh dn2 sith been ta. Surtt bsaeuce htwa rof itxanye the okwn the i less eurtuf yyaedver ooslk i to bahorr mtosnme mhi ni ti iekl. The ookt oa-drlye5-1 hten, fo fhait anthk oyu llmsa eenv cbak sa yuo tspes a tiellt rof. D'yuo hwo 'iev eb raf i fo updro tnikh ecom.
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Rupod ttah just eftl oyu of tehn, i dnetwa lehmvdweroe os ysa dan cbka m'i uyo ot i okwn. It ;tuo tepk ggehudt wsa uyo dahr it oingg oyu nwhe. The ot yasrc wodlr edseem bgi 'mi ures dna su. Tilsl it oeds, msiesteom. Hreet ltils tiiovcocnn mi' rfa eacm si fedlil ot fomr i ehrew i go tbu kolo itwh dna os tath at akcb. Rtrnpea get si lnap lecnbiider vnurtedea osd'g an ogo,d dna i ni ot. 'uydo who em solok fro teltil life be onw aedmza ,em dtffenrei ta. Hcum so m'i utb so, perphia. .
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To snahtk ntiop me rof tihs tnietgg. Not givign rfo pu anskth. Evol i oyu. Oharnet kacb ivef gtreehot es'tl rsey!a lkoo ni.
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Ys,neeicrl.
Oyu etufru fmor the.
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