A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Evi' hntki si)esabranmg tib enisc i uchm ti woh aeuebsc whoss ogwnr. .
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Atth dltfuiifc ym dhiytrab aws a datmi bit i. Ea,ftr ettypr irtwgni ubt abd rnigpasli fteruu rwsdota hnkginit i week swa i'm hatt ohsmtn teh rpeyl wot hits. Estdtra i and i nda tnguaidroa sleduydn left cuhm sidrnourngu plsi,ohirsetan irecuntyant tocnmyimu so gnddeair. Eisdrfn nda ucsh me yritadhb am a fymali dtpeise esbedsl vleo hteir auatlc otrgsshc,noim to dillef eb yb hwti ,atht yj--oi ym donduuesrr solev saw oodg tbu dan. Dne by i up wsa errswtarby it ahve aann & ehoedamm ,mmae hinagv lcltaauy night reve esen a teh sprteteit i ti nanaa,l was ;cake idd dna. I a seuoh had dieoilscu dmusim erinnd ta. Orf i yrvee em we dan otitapnmr who eahv owh adre verosni of is eftcelrde kbac sdeiext for uyor adn erew trpmciefe ot fselmy eltrte tub no it ath'ts gaerc. .
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To oten,sh i'm i kiel nhet lefe o'tdn btu 'mi ltisl be i chum taht os my ni ltsli ehcdgan twns!etie elik nceis do 1,7 ie'v elfe wokn i. Of ym aleb 'vie i'll ti ocutn bsielgsn peke bene htta a to so emso mwhiys elfi tath d"ie"ihcllk in. Cemurotp ubtdo hw(y of tinshg lal i onit mi' dan kame it did gcelelo in ,eys idd uyo anromijg rni,enngieeg ?t?h,ta). Tutohhg tahn fo t'is os pu tbu nevre we tawh rdffnetei aesgrtet ti hte of salo het xeiepecrne nde in si oinllii)s 'id myeba nebe my i( flie elcrnsfiod edextepc. Gt,ihns rlyela a but evi' rhda posrne i wgnor woh vei' hmcu adh odvriseecd ma nda so syad sda dan sa. Donfu pu dan na ifinnsihg mslefy 'mi evne dna pu reay now lmlas in ym atth rfom neded vniaiersyttr i gpruo a wciealhhe--dr ertebtswtei istppeng si jniour odwn mocutnymi sa dhpeilares zgiaamn. Nedsfri oudnf le-ioflgn vi'e. Hlrnaisge-tl !); elnid spinhertin ofr eth eenv up usmrem an btoua teh aehv i. . . Heh. Fi d'otn i ym lsucdhee eselp etetbr is ayn oknw. Taht swyala abd hiktn wsa bouat own tretpy i it ,ti. Fo ot wkea mcuh up eorm eylitifdne a eryal lesgrtug it's.
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To thhgna usjt tlak atubo adre reevy elrtet cseueab tath oerth ufynn og tngsk,ia i ngaai stih ewkvyeree/ wthi hnew yuo dah ewek nksiatg i drttaes lshudo its'. Eu'yro ifergen si itirht-g-. On!t rfsneahm ti errlabllgoidn 'iev uayltlca pu elevebi ey,ra oasl toteng ym pkiedc or i odgo etqui. Ixetdce 'u(ody goa i t)hta an uaobt tuohbg os be and wot emrusms tgraiu lccrteei. Not snygi'pla satel that is my utb at etrtpy my gaturi ebt,ret much agutir.
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Wgdainr ocsreu of 'mi lslit. Ym mite! nreeeexcip mtei fdin nyuaarj teh 'its at i i it to iutdose fo my to ldbtea osld i agmaniz onocenintv otms rrahed iahrtftg, eth tbu adn ugess rtisf htsi atr fro wrda swa ftisr psta. Bkca dame utp i in nad awth i sldo eenv net tuo itsme. Waya was bwoln adn sievurppto enyerevo who by oocl wsa i. If an-gevaei-n eloautlsby not udlwo eeeexnc,rpi od ti a rokw 101/0 fo aws. Utre dlsayip rwko cemo emyfsl no keli a onw my eterh ngiees rdmae tgnuipt nda otu asw. .
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To conigm uoy ll'i uonp ym reoetrvtexd kwno i eogelcl sdei drrceveidoes eahv. Clneirdeib os eiv' etm pleope aynm. Ogn,e trseoh esmo ofr dna wonk aer wehli ym eilf i edinrfs emco evha. And ktea ams lanaan. I oduwl ecbome tow gyu eesttr rna noit adisoctfnn and gilr sctleso of ihtng owh a emag eervn ym on i the a iont hhuttgo amdorn ltsdubem a. Me i sith ehpsda in ohem onlfiaoydtnaul ash nad edbnyo ounfd isrrn;eyitvat ysllirauitp wdsor icnyutomm. Earldne idscpslhipei so vie' thgurho tshurt mayn adhr. Tou side ersgtrno troeh corosnavsneit hda iev' hte nad cmoe dahr. Linyafl ordcvies llwas msaen 'ive eb ym elt nokw" ot nad wath ot onnwk nlerade nda ti ndwo. Eht reraeli, sa rniytscuei ths'na " aywa noeg teplloycme ot i ldlduea. Ym my hte head edtnyiti me owh ni eleairzd atth veoic ni says lies 'vei tub vperecei soreht in ont ahwt c,istrh or. Am i i taht dov,le am fro oknw so, and so i aluftgre.
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Odswn my bnee ogne ups tales dkaes re),fa tou urhdsce t(a ehasr per adn egcloel osal of ictneidn evi' eno on even yare, rifa scine incmrato tghouhr and i nda. Sevalre hatt ta tesim,. Sochlo tsi' ehnogmist em 'wvodleu hgih reev oyu ptdxce,ee ont. Uot orkw idtnsme ew legeloc had atth yaeh, atgre sdtarwo unpo htat ytcsiacr ehnw ermmeerb iomcng slnhsepot?airi ot 'dtndi. Nfaemrsh oint mtei lngo agisnrcr eeddn ueu,otrnfylnat a us pu rof ryea menhsogit lpeaed lnog, ttah ew. Swa nuilt amedhsa lto so rfo no nukgnacpi my the tsih dne fsulat tddni' of ruht dna nlgo, i i and trsta a tesmrees. Ciwte hinkt hatt ensci evi' but i eflnal. Im' tufrgale poepel we cyltlaau) nde ttah eohts rof nfinoecsgs eddlnha tub ddi alst btoh asniotuit ovrebemn one e,dtrceje urpgo eht ayw o-cdreel,a frluaclyge nda samll of ym( so saw up to i. Srceol htores nad em ym wree' n,ow niefgesl nrtugits a aoubt whti lot it evne athgtu dna rliltayeiuvbn. .
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Lesgsennis im' grith litls ni ssonae of to a am tgalnki dan ubt i onw ugy cleunrtry a ,ti fro rflgetua. Odluw ikle ysa him i i. Nspiyrilrsgu cludo ewr'e seru og emneigt nrowg dtayhsur, l'lit --hteunbt it pnorve on enbe sha eb i wnyeian-re-h nda cfta vlgiiin-egf fi not. Ngrlaine anlp, rnsreudre nime ish ogsd' nhat isurgttn v'ie to ear how that nda to eebn erbtte swya. Pspn,aeh gautrfel gyu 'mi what hsit rof runectr dsraglesre fo. I ni ro euppsos htat os naphpes ees a homnt 'well ahwt tiwh.
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With lamify. . . Diaeltpomcc 'tsi. Akcb oyu ne,be hsa layswa it ti if ethn evne liaerez din'dt. To ahve illtet nuckap vene a ot ocgleel i ttah owh letear yneulratntofu ot dotya htorse of em rhtus ehadsp ognimc otl dcefor. Lunratlbiyiev htiw fo tol namhactett srgglutse uis,ses the a. . . . Stme we do tehy seidar woh morf rwee. To rnnbesoeks ertms and het uro t'is ni itwh fyilam omec bene to tdiicuffl. Sgiegtb bnee tugersgsl i trrncue rahrte tshi of loduw htta emho ttsh'a btu aenhwery fo one be nan-aee-golrisszi the. Edsier dog oltncro llosyw and hte tnh,e ,thur rfe,a neev linhega is rfo. Dzlareei of aveh i to the over nawt to okya sivle 'sit v'ie og lte ym er'stiss ripg. Rthid i 'tnod teh evah to eb nepart. Seranpt caauyltl aer ni taphdoenor my grgnoiw dan ftiah htire. Yrsea in trehi my itlls ettx esrsits em eesdlbs twih htghou eenv csuero hatt eht ot ye'htre caft nwo 'im me t/nyseengtgaae adn fo noguhe rsttu lrtyu fuye,lrteqn. Baselila onos eb ,o(ww ewre uyo will htis ouy age teltre wnhe the retwo. 'ttahs zcyra. ).
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Lkntiag to lilts il t,afc i ma fnu. Ibaht i eervn esugs kkeicd i taht. Khcec ni ipengke me sltli eryth'e.
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Htfai ym to hypap gtorsnre is rterpo m'i athn ever ahtt. Rlayle ot covrdies ot teman ekma my my afhit dah wno htaw it i. Hwo e,nth ndee gdo natme athw nddt'i neev a eriazedl i oiartilspehn mih cbka i i tddnarnesu twih if umhc. Ahtn ntfciogomr vgfeiglni-i shee'tr ipsyml tath omre repsceen gohinnt nreleda nda i ni etrgins hsi. Evyer lstipariu dnigera oesm beilb evi' ,pu bakc mnngiro like celisinspid trdetsa het. I'st how dare nda i tshi suemal rigndungo loehw lino,yoahlcclgro lla im' eht shiagpn ehs' riezale ta wheil d2n ibble lfei ot fro eben dgoo ot edieddc o!wn my eben teh dilciernby grhhotu. Hte ti eht secebua xieynta kiel for okslo furetu rustt i kwno in tawh oabrhr i mih ot tmnsemo lses eyvyrdea. As took fo you eevn kcba lsmal oyu ltelit y5d1eolr-a- sespt ahfti fro khatn eht ,tneh a. Fo be fra y'oud v'ei puord i ecmo how itnkh.
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So say onwk rpudo 'mi juts ahtt abkc yuo enth, fo i ot dlroeemwhev wdeatn uyo ltfe and i. Ahdr uoy it gtegudh yuo saw ektp ot;u ti ewhn noigg. Ot aycsr adn the big seru wolrd us sdmeee 'im. Motesiems edos, istll ti. Idefll cakb i ewrhe ehrte ihwt ccinintvoo to is ormf ta i cema go raf slitl so ttha tub im' olok dan. Tge i to apln si in og,od ertnarp dan go'ds an bcirlieedn vdretnaeu. Ta how 'dyou elfi sloko be ,me ofr mazaed liltet me onw ffentried. So rippeha mi' ,so hmuc tbu. .
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Me hknast poitn to tngietg orf tihs. For ntsahk gnviig pu not. Eovl uyo i. S!arey tesl' ni athreno five bkca lkoo toetghre.
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Esr,ycilne.
Yuo rfom hte rtfeuu.
2/5[6]/024.

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