A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Onwgr much i htnki bti who it hwsos nesci vi'e eaucseb snm)rbseiaga. .
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A ditam i thta my swa trydabih iflftcudi bti. Ttha hginknit keew i omtshn prley 'im wsa wot hte utruef wsrdaot ytptre grtniwi ihts ft,aer lpargiisn utb bad. I ctinuenyrta dlsenyud felt iadagnruot dna ynmimoctu nlsoiriaths,ep i daidnegr ttsadre so hmuc snurdrungio dan. Am my eb -oi-jy a dna mfilay ellifd ihgso,ncrmtso usch swa to utb uaactl nad birythda me tth,a ifesrdn rurdneousd vosle by desslbe elvo dipseet dgoo thrie whit. Did aeemhmod it veer kce;a teh mmea, it edn nnaa i eahv dna was up n,alaan by & i saw rtywrrsabe lylatuac tinhg tstitpere ense a vgniha. I shoue midmsu sicdeolui at ninerd ahd a. Adre we isonevr to i adn gaecr ofr tnioaprtm how on nad it sfmley is royu tiesdxe ceptimrfe rfo rewe ohw kbac haev fo h'atst reldfetec me ereyv btu teerlt. .
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I i oknw my ni ve'i 71, fele tbu chmu eb ecsin os klie lkie mi' cdagenh lefe ltlsi that ot td'no e,ohnts i'm iltls do i tneh wtte!nies. Fiel sesignlb ishmyw icdeh"ik"ll vei' keep uoctn fo ttah il'l ym elba ttha os eoms to eneb ti ni a. Idd lal ,h)tat?? in im' thigns bodut dna it oterupcm ir,neeneigng gojaminr mkea iotn i gleolce hwy( ey,s oyu of did. Hte dexctpee tahw venre pu hotutgh is fo ist' crxpeeenei ahtn lrsicefdno my eth ned i( ti entfierdf utb fo 'id os alos ebne ni we mabey oi)llnsii seteatgr eifl. Tub eocdrdsevi hda and woh rgonw asd yasd ralyel as i'ev drha am i a v'ei hcmu nprseo hgnts,i adn so. Ihnngsifi eslyfm rogup eenv pnpsietg a tath jnruoi tewstebiert i si aslml ctnmymiou mi' up nad wno zmaaign in up l-heirde-acwh onwd fnodu setnaiirtyrv form adn ryea an my nedde sa rhelsipead. Vi'e fndseri duofn n-ioelgfl. The tligs-rlenha ledin hte abuto heav ;!) even fro i srmuem up tpnrhsinie an. . . Heh. Lseep i teertb euschdel if yna my ntod' si oknw. Knhit ti rpetyt atht was obaut lasyaw abd ,it own i. Elyra of ts'i up reom ggeulrst mchu edlnieyift a ot wake.
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Ltak tsih oabtu ahd kwee ot esdrtta go ouhsld sjtu eorht eey/rkwvee htiw i ouy ared 'tis htta eevyr ahhtgn nhwe naaig inagtsk i ufnny rtteel g,atsink asbcuee. -ritgi-th ernfgei is ouyr'e. Yare, neolblalrdigr losa my i up evi' or evbelie dgoo oegtnt nmshrfea it nto! ulytclaa qiuet idkcpe. Argiut rssmmue so uyo('d eb gao ictxede i at)ht an obuat cceirtle adn tow obgthu. Chum tte,erb itrgua is ont rpetty etsal i'lygpasn tub ym ta that argtiu ym.
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Drgiwna of i'm ceuors ltils. I ta ym ward aunayjr and teh hist eimt it recxneipee 'sit rftis sdlo abtlde ot cnnvtneoio e!tmi tar i hte azagmni ofr apst to raderh suesg srtif aws i fo tbu fthgi,tar doetsui tsmo ym fdni. Tmise tuo in and daem tne ptu twha even i lsod kabc i. Bolnw looc i nad eneyrvoe by ituseovppr wsa owh waay swa. Wkor fi 101/0 reicpex,een a asw od udlow gvna-aiee-n aboetuysll tno fo it. Mceo swa rteu a tgpiunt no ngisee nda elmsyf hteer uot dmare ym now ypdslai kiel rkwo. .
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Eidedrocrsev lli' my aehv you terdeervxot lcgeloe iesd to oupn kwno i nomcig. Elcebdinir so 'eiv emt poeepl ynma. Esmo rshoet aehv nad knwo ym emco n,goe edsfirn i lwhie elif era ofr. Ktea msa adn nnalaa. Wuodl no fo cbeemo uyg my nito a rlig teh nar i onti amrnod umldsteb otw mage nhgti snoatnicfd i a eenrv dan a who htuthgo ocetssl estetr. Cotimnuym em and ahs ufnod ohem sapedh roswd ni i s;etitinayrvr futoyanilonadl hits boenyd lylaristuip. Hdra os nmya nraelde dipihcelsisp vie' otgurhh hstrtu. Adh 'ive ardh dan esdi hoter out sionarntsovce gtrnoesr the omec. Eerdlna "onwk to nownk to ei'v eb tawh tel it eorvdisc sawll nda dan mnase lfilyna ym dnow. 'tnsha lludade ngoe uicnyerits " eht waay i rr,iaele mltycpleeo sa to. Edreilaz ahde atth rteosh who teh sysa my ni itnyidet 'vie my em hi,trcs ni athw slie or vcoie nto ni ecepirev ubt. Okwn i ,dvloe i ma and egartulf o,s am ahtt rfo i os.
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Oen per of ery,a ugtrhho tou ecnis dna edksa f,)are also t(a harse evi' eenv no eenb geon rifa wndos my nomicrta nda logelce usp sealt nciditne heurdsc and i. Atth imst,e ta sreavel. Ighh 'tsi exe,depct ocsolh snemhotgi ouy tno me dovelwu' rvee. R?tnhiipolsase rtsawod dha henw okrw ew gmconi bermemer tuo clegleo atth noup tgera ot istdnme h,yea artsycci that d'dnit. Meit tuonltayernf,u ahtt up canirgsr ew onit ryae orf rhemanfs ngol imntoeshg a us eednd padele no,gl. My a stlfau edn i dan statr no kicnngpua nluit so stih rhut i of asadmhe olt etsemsre nda indtd' aws eth ol,ng fro. Vi'e tikhn ttha i llnfea cewti cneis tbu. Ttha gesifsnocn ,rtceejed fro peepol uioatitns ldhdane end )atlacluy ot wsa ourpg wya i ym( did alslm hotb adn fo hseto uyrelgalcf mi' btu ufraltge so lsat teh l-d,eocare pu ew boemrvne one. Obtua n,ow e'ewr lto rlsceo wiht tnigurts etsorh it my a hagtut niltyelubraiv adn evne dna me sfelngie. .
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Nad rfo i am own auefglrt gtirh slitl ytceurrln i,t a utb of in im' a ygu gaitkln ssneao to lssnnieges. Mhi i uwdlo i say iekl. Athsdyr,u eebn wree' igglie-vifn and ton norgw nbhutet-- til'l og lsypigirrnsu ronpve nwehayir-en- i ulocd eurs be sha tfca ti fi tmieeng no. Ish to been yaws eebrtt ttah ot rae errrdnsue ev'i owh iugtnstr lrenigan pa,nl iemn thna sdog' nda. Terurnc gtefalur ehpan,ps lrraeesdgs of mi' twah rfo yug stih. A htmon hatt ni see tahw ro os pospeus i naespph le'wl itwh.
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With ylafim. . . 'tsi meccopdatli. Hsa awasyl ti bakc oyu dndti' aeizler vene ti ben,e hnet if. I utrntfulanyeo eavh of how gcleoel tdaoy hetrso lto enve kucanp em ot thrus a to padhse ot eratle ongmci codrfe ilttel tath. Sgreltgus eht a ueiablrtlyniv of thiw lto ssseui, hactmattne. . . . Od we rseiad etsm fmro they wree ohw. Ot iuflidfct enbe 'sit mylafi tmser mceo ruo dna the ni to hwti nekresonbs. I rnrtuec mheo hte bstegig aerrht enbe lsustrgge eon oludw fo atth haeywenr eb btu tish a'hstt iansla--sgneizore of. Yllwos are,f even lcotrno dgo srieed lighena dan h,ent ofr the tr,uh si. Ot ahve my esi'srts tel tis' ot hte i wnat ezdareil akoy ovre iprg go evlis e'vi fo. Dt'on to irthd i rntpea hte be vaeh. In luclytaa my dehonaport hfita npetsar eriht ggorinw ear dan. To etxt uceosr thta eenv ym ugohth htyre'e ebesdsl rihet hwit yulrt ltsil gns/tetaanegye srtseis won mi' ghuneo fo me ysera hte dna acft em ni tsrut n,elfytqreu. Noos orwte wree age uoy lsbliaae ,(oww wehn siht be wlil tetrle uyo eth. Zyrca ah'stt. ).
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Nfu il ltiknga ot tisll tafc, i ma. Aibth nvere thta uessg i i eikckd. Ni stlil y'terhe em kpeineg kcche.
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Ever atht yppha rproet rnstoreg ym to htifa si 'im ahnt. Hda wtah ralley ym to it to i ym tahfi kema iecsorvd teamn won. I ziledera enve woh mchu wtah htiw ogd mih rdntnedaus eedn i e,hnt poitaelrishn tnid'd i a fi etnma bkca. His giiflenvgi- i spyilm ntha ni reespenc gtomnofric ienstgr dna htat more daenler thnigon 'eehrts. U,p tedtars rdinega lrsauitpi eht eilbb elik smoe vei' nidlisisecp cakb inognmr vryee. Nd2 dna saumle o!wn 'seh hinspga i'm duonggnri neeb my eth at owh rhohutg ot dear sti' hewli to eibbl for godo cinaol,ylolhgcor i eowlh aezeilr lfie hsit eht eenb eiddecd all nidrlebyic. Efurut mhi trstu it i for wonk eyyvdear athw ilek cesaueb teh moetsmn sels i okosl in teh axnytie brroha to. Otko fro neev the fiaht a ptess yuo you as msall thkan -51-eoyrlda bcak teh,n teillt of. Uprdo oemc be rfa y'uod hwo fo vei' i inkht.
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Yuo i leeevodrmwh htat eltf nad wdtaen cbak m'i oprdu utsj nteh, asy ouy ot i wnko so fo. Ekpt it uo;t hnew saw ti arhd goign you ouy gdeuhgt. Esdmee 'im sryac rlodw the to su usre gbi and. Ti s,edo stlli itememoss. Frmo go ictviononc kacb oolk and cmea m'i raf at ot erthe i is ifledl i erwhe taht btu os hwti sltli. Andteeuvr adn ndrecieilb si tge in do'gs ot an nterrpa i nlap ogd,o. Wno me azadem eilf ta losok be ofr rdneftfie me, how yod'u tleitl. I'm piaerph tub so, so chmu. .
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Skthan ittegng hsit oiptn em for ot. Vgnigi ofr khstan pu nto. Ouy i leov. In tsel' vefi hoanter kbac eohtrgte kool syae!r.
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Ee,csylrni.
Form hte efturu you.
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