A letter from April 14th, 2020

hey, its me...well its you..you get the point... Im writing this because i want you to be able to read this in a year and be a completely different person. I want there to be growth. I want who i am to be completely unrecognizable. Truthfully, I dont really like who i am right now. Im not proud what i do, how i speak, the way i look at myself in the mirror, i hate everything about myself. I try to put on a front like im this confident girl, but im so incredibly insecure. I keep thinking that i find something real with someone, and everytime i couldnt be more wrong. Ive managed to completely turn my feelings off, because its better to feel nothing than to be hurt. I just really ******* wish i was someone else. I wish i was prettier, i wish my hair was longer, i wish i had better eyes, i wish i was skinnier, i wish my ***** were smaller, i wish i was more likeable, i wish people liked me for me and didnt just try to get something physical out of me. But for some reason, the only time i feel valued is when i let people use my body for their own gain...i know its only gonna hurt me in the long run, but right now its the only time i feel confident. so im sorry because i know youre going to have to work through that once you allow yourself to feel again. Hannah, in one year when you read this letter again, i hope that you love yourself. I hope that you look in the mirror and see exactly who God created you to be. I hope you allow yourself to feel. I hope you allow yourself to feel the joy, the pain, the anger, the sadness, the hopelessness, the curiosity, the jealousy, the bitter, and most importantly, i hope you allow yourself to love. you deserve to be loved. i hope you find someone that opens the door for you every time. I hope you find someone who lets you stay in because you dont feel like going out. I hope you find someone who loves your hair. I hope you find someone who knows how to talk to you when youre upset. I hope you find someone who prays for you. I hope you find someone who makes you smile in a fight. I hope you find someone who you know wont break the heart that youve had to put back together way too many times. I hope you find someone who chases the moon with you. I hope you find someone who dreams with you. Who really really dreams. i hope you find someone who is honest, and kind. I hope you find someone who loves the parts of you that you hate. and hannah...I hope that person is you. you cannot expect someone to love you if you dont love yourself. be better than me. please. and in case no one has told you today, youre beautiful and i love you.