A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Dipesu dna in ndow yltelmcepo ym ho(w my ni ’mi lt),erte rae you t12s fiel yera to 32 tath ngkltia eghcadn w,on. Steb nad tosrw asw iefl the of my ayer it. As ohtughr ton eno, my niggo a eartg were do‘myans’ dtehdci asw 1st2 em chtpa ew dbtyirha a ym gurho. Wdno i by wldou’tn wya lliett wokn did i micrnlgbu htme eidsfrn moec eth nda of het all yrea, nya whit wdlou sebpteerm ti atth trotuuhhgo eb. Su ry,row tsue,p ntd’o eakm ttah tmhig oy,u fo obth reicd hte ro rof ’iev tbu ohcks ouy nughoe. Dna ’aernt to ttha esem oplpee heyt tahw ouy ntwa smoetesmi no,kw lal i. From itknh duanro mnay we eelppo uoy teh ym that hrete are ew psat rae of ttelil utnli orenas aer ahtt os reay 12st ttah juts uo,relsf tdnid’ snattlyocn eraslei it os. Aluscdii grteduaa prpdeod ’itddn out aols ecmbae nda ttha i i iyensltne ya,re. Okwn ilfe thiw i who i gbnie utb othghur vile tno owh fedwonnu to a into pdelips i rfo dne nda my elvo ’ddtin yg…ao otg pu blae omeosne wolud it ottiwuh. Ictellhm our. Vole ni isth eopyclteml esceptepvri on yuo w,drol my jtsu is him herntgiyev em, hdgneca dan es’h efil ttha trgih udowl esh. .
Tihw 3220 i htghou 21: bcka up i etnw uadagtrde a den ni nad ddi fof arey uin me, eary in dugtaagrin a ym i lyju artef s2t1. You so uwdlo be opurd. So dopur ma i. D,ate rifst cnoneisglul no eednd i eisrodsitnat geinb my evanmtehcei :) is’t adn a pu swa het ym ffo tiebggs to a fo on, kasrm wfe adn peronpciet.
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Vere a drei, vinlig eenb mlile,htc pu uto ebst the i it’s iwht iendsoci tbu miognv ddnee nad. A the r,hut deid htgir ti fo nda iigntwr ni daangrd nda it my a aws lddmie itestnosdria ea,ry lot csokh satl. Ivits yuo i ot uyo hwsi ucoepl e,moh nito go but adh of tou yuo wroet raeft teafr imh adn ot ihm nda at llte yuo naawyy htta omhstn lcudo i mceo go lla a a ese tonc’lud eh telt,re ok,lcdnwo. Bkca nwok i( vnuirsee wi)ll, adb you has het os fele d’ton yuor.
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Etesrh llte iswh uocld i hatt i ouy gtishn. Am uyo fo udpor elik who i. How fo i etommn wsih hte ot esayr 4 tesadni ridenk i raelt asw oyu in. Pmersoi oyu, ma btu i elihgna i. Ot no ma am ahve bordbe othes i to i hcild oru asw naht lke,i vere leha orfm aprts aleh nrwdai rkwogin notd’ femysl efrsluo of nerni dkrnei su sfmeyl nda ot ene,b gbien thta ew i. Lwel udfno sey( as siht ma newphse eswhpne ibt entra’ lencrruty ghirt sa we a ’mi d’i tiltle i ecsnei hobetrr ahev !et,r!tl)e htgins and 4 adn a aetfr t3h1 oyru ew hdlepe nda ihyadrbt nmipog ruo uto nwo, itwinrg no ignog eesacbu. On that stgmeoihn gowrkni is tub i am. Ryoaemn dbrioeasun itsh i htru htta ma leef o’tnd on os ew gwriokn. Teyh pploese uosr is rou rea ldea ot fo ot tciesepontax teohr nto ldoh plinybetroiiss it u,s ont twhi. I ey’rou knwo lot a hlgdino ahtt nda fo. Mi’ ihtgsn steho ptu i’st dnow tnlgile to oyu koya. To oyak oepelp t’is voel yuo pasniidtop. Ti’s rthei fiel, ysruo not ’tis seeacbu. Tno lsee eht eb ilef thaw nad uory ebcusea uyo hetyer’ on tyiccpaa dholsu ignivl oen has to ltel ’tunhslod dinog ouy. Lal rea ewsessitn assiccreeso dgnio ot iearlty thaw tehy ot yruo ’ureoy atht rae. Oignthn stmtaer em. Esrneviu it aevh a,hpepend veah bkca, if uoyr lwli hte osvlueh’d uodwl it. Uyo lcitmlhe ti lfyul rtsif psioerm hvntae’ tninhigk uotrhhg yan soindcies nad i ahtt i ormf houttwi rapta( aemd. . Uscae woh ?lvo)e ftihg can. I nowk ebign of on of dfnires teh all su rhtepfadxyei tshi eltret be ymdonsa nto tiwh uyllo’ otu. Ihnstg oyu hist ’atcn ifle ubt fcreo ni. S,u ton hcea ogdo reew utb ti eyht nto ehyt good orf ty’rehe orf oerth wonk otd’n. Chmu nhta ortwh oyu erew hatw olve uoy and oemr of ptye are teh so rdhfisipne veecidre os chum aer erttbe evign nad dna you. Is oto )em ehrot but us hten ithwout dna saw oyru i ich(wh to it etyh ti akdwwra sghitn an ot on hte whis eomc what echos say lweload eht euaesbc ldameb ifrndieshp wodoflel an ot to ,uto dyan,osm akcatt are dne gebin etyh i ucldo nde nehw utc our prtayniesol. Lla eovuy’ ohtwr rhwto nto rea era hwti od,wlr nhntikgi eth eryo’u e’vythe eht fo nad lots eikl ouy uoy btu buseace lppoee henw tobua none ntaisesns si aedtter. Us of nesdp the ryhwot ouy, ,slfemy dan eintnd ibneg ot my in dsay i urfetu.
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’mi r,rosy.
Eealps ,em ofvregi.
,ouy nahkt.
Veol you i.
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Eol,v.
32 odl ryea em x.

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