A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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32 my and arye wh(o to s2t1 wdno gahcden ecptlolyme ym ifel sdepiu lkigant r,)etetl ttah ’mi in ear ni uoy own,. Elfi year nad my asw eth ti bste rswot of. Ym a ggion not we a reew as em eatrg goruh ahtpc asw do‘symna’ one, chidetd rtghhuo hydirtba 2st1 ym. I msbeprtee ownk of ddi whti insefrd tath rugnmilcb iltelt teh dan i it eb emht loudw mceo lntowdu’ nowd yaw uhooghturt by eth nya lla ,yrea. Evi’ uhenog ouy you, hgmit fo hskco for or utb both us htat tueps, eamk dcier rwryo, on’dt hte. Heyt wtah ot i ’rneta and know, nwat lal eesm you simmtosee thta olpeep. Srenoa htink tpsa so t1s2 anym that ti ew era tath ear oslreuf, aer htta os teiltl uyo eyar we eht just ilaeers nrdauo tuinl of rmfo lnontystac dntd’i etrhe ym pleeop. Osla eamecb rppdode ardaegtu i daculisi and i ltyiennes yar,e tou atth id’tdn. Oyag… pu i ohw ned uwthoti nebig ton newnudfo oknw woldu lbea oeosmen ddint’ it nad oelv ogt hwo fro life evli ym i tiwh inot btu a htgorhu sipldep ot i. Lmilceht uor. Ehs’ levo ,me ehcgnda myplcoetel ujst dr,low si no nad lduwo ym ihm atth enhtierygv tgirh ifel ni she uyo shti rpevctepeis. .
2032 luyj end iun eray dgiugantar ym a ewtn eray 2st1 uhghto rtfae up did a i ckba i ni with ffo i 12: m,e tuaedgdar adn ni. Uorpd so lduwo eb yuo. Am os i podur. My eceaemnthvi ,edat ): uilncleogsn fo my het fof up a tsrif pteocerinp few adn rotisieastdn gstegbi gnebi on a i sti’ ,no and ednde wsa ot rmkas.
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Lelhimc,t er,di vmgoni adn idcsonie up needd ilvngi etsb i sit’ tbu het reve a eebn tou thwi. It fo eddi ni my riaitnosedst dna thrgi iddmel irigtwn it dganrad e,ayr a ,thru asw lto kohsc eht slta a adn. Adn rftae uoy isvit ees tino waynya og at teret,l a ,meho ihm shiw i ot c,onoldkw i ot og tlle lla cpeolu had nad ecmo eh mhi l’ucodtn uyo a you but thta etrow fo uocdl ouy aertf tnhosm uot. Esniveru so elfe bad you abck oruy l,l)wi teh (i ownk ’dnot ahs.
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Wshi uoy tell ehestr uolcd i sinthg i atth. Ekil of uoy i ohw puord am. Hte of wsa i steaidn who i 4 nekird to ni eryas ouy ihsw tnemmo alter. Eorspim i btu am yu,o i legahin. Ot melsfy ot idlch ahnt oru sprta on hatt eslymf ngbei i ndto’ eben, ot am we dna erve ofmr vhea shoet rkdine hlea us k,ile lhea i i orbdeb of ma nrgoiwk usorlef saw nrien drinaw. Heav tuo ibt illtet fudno i ynutecrlr uro ryou ’mi as ’di sa nda a hebrotr hnewsep ponmig wlel s(ey we on tihsng am witinrg csbeuea going iartdbhy hdlepe a tghir eta’nr hnwspee sith nda h31t we )!rl!ete,t rftae wn,o esenic adn 4. Is on kingwro i atth ma ismntoheg but. On hsti ttha rhtu n’tod yoarmne rsnaibudoe ew efel ma irgnwko os i. Hety theor it ldae ,su whit rous ont opacinxttese dhol lsepepo ot to oru tno are of iiebsornylpsti si. Nowk y’euro i tol fo that adn a olndihg. Toehs down nstghi put ’sit letngli you oyak im’ ot. To tinpdpoais koya elvo yuo plpoee s’ti. Rsyou buseeca hrtei nto ’tsi fl,ei sti’. Gnviil ntl’hduos to acpatyic no hawt be one you teh and ahs eceuasb gidno esel yuro re’yeth lhuods yuo tlle nto life. Rsscseecoia hyet lal athw seniswste igodn yrou yirltae rae era ttha y’oure ot to. Htningo amrttse me. Ti owdul vhae reivuens du’ehlsvo uyro heva will eht aedpnpe,h it fi kac,b. I tllmhiec idneossic pomsrie fyull nya aedm ra(pat you tuithow firts ti thta rfom ventha’ rhtuohg nighintk dna i. . Nca owh ?lvo)e ceusa fitgh. Ttelre i htwi on ylol’u hsti hte lla kwon gnebi sdynaom nto us of be tiyfrdaehxep of uot eifdrns. Oyu flie utb isth ceorf ct’an ni shintg. Teerh’y tbu hyte odgo tno orf yteh wkno hteor dgoo dn’to not rewe ,us hcea ofr ti. Mero eovl cuhm sphiifdnre so and os yuo epty mchu the ntha dan and htwa rea of veign uyo berett rotwh eewr rae you dcerevei. Nde yoa,dnms i us an to ot tyhe is oto oecm it ysa ethy o,tu ladmbe hwta ubt eoollwdf ehnt utowiht ruo ttcaka to rwaakdw aws yruo dulco h(whic hisw it ealwdol aer hte on gtnish dspiinfher ehwn the e)m ehosc dne i ctu rehot na epoltnryias nad to ibgen useacbe. ’uoyve hte tiwh stnsneisa ,owdrl lepeop slot you tno is rea othwr none rtwho eur’yo rea klie bscueae oubta fo but nnhtigik lla you yveh’et the adn wnhe redeatt. Ot fo sednp i ym inentd dna ni eth urtfeu ,fysmel su syda u,yo enbgi wyohtr.
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R,rosy mi’.
Vgofeir m,e peasel.
Athnk yuo,.
Olve i yuo.
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Evo,l.
Eyar x em 32 old.

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Letter Author:

10 days ago

Dear 19 and 23 Year old me,

I am now 25, and life has been quite the whirlwind. I cannot even explain to either of you what the few years that have now passed me will do to your life and sense of self, how absolutely turned upside down your life will get. It has truly been an experience that I will never be able to explain.

I am now engaged. And I am terrified as for this summer I have developed into more of you when I was 19 than you when I was 23. I have become freer, child-like, extroverted, chatting constantly. But with that comes all the things you struggled with that I somehow forgot; the anxiety, sadness and wondering what would've happened if something else went different. I have met some people that I wish I could have in my life 24/7 this summer, and some of them I will try to be friends with for as long as the universe will let me. But one thing to remind all three of us is: just because somethings new and exciting and different, does not make it better or worth throwing away your life for. Trust me.

I have been struggling for the past few weeks, with the same thoughts that plagued me when I was 19. I am slowly letting them go, for who am I without my own love for myself? I promise you both, and future me that I am trying. Believe me when I say that I am in an incredibly better situation and mindset than I have been my whole life. But sometimes these waves of depression ebb and flow and that's just how life is. But as our new friend T has said to me this week: "an ebb is coming, I can absolutely promise you that. We are stronger than our thoughts".

This ache in my chest will go away soon I am sure of it, and in another 2, 3, 5 years when I come across this again, this will be different as life always is. Life will be different next week, or the next month or even tomorrow. You can never know where life is going to take you.

I love you both dearly, someone in this world finally knows our biggest secret and I promise you they were the right person to trust with it. You both deserve better, I deserve better too.

Love,
25 year old me x

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