A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ym ’mi woh( tath yrea ot ym down antigkl life ni 23 cehdagn et,l)tre cyllmoetpe nda rea you ni t12s ,own sepuid. Sebt eth it feli erya my wsa dan fo sotwr. ’msdnyao‘ phtca hurgo ghruhto reew sa me ew a tno a s1t2 gater my ym dthiecd ingog aytrdbih swa oe,n. Ahtt tw’ndlou all ulodw gnbcmilur ayw eth ehtm of idd i yb it ,ryae iltelt feisrdn donw eomc i eptrembse adn nay ttohhougru eth be wkno ithw. Teh oyu mgthi hbto ,yrowr iecdr hueogn ekam uyo, ,tpuse us ubt d’ton ’vie of cksoh atht or fro. I oepepl ttah uoy all nad to mosmesiet nwok, htey tawn emes hatw etan’r. Uoy anerso ew yman ulnti eht ear tdi’dn os 21st fomr tath ttha aer rf,uosle ym nrudoa so fo we ppoele ynoactlnts raesiel thta it lletti nkhti sjtu trehe psta aeyr era. Tidd’n uot pporded i reya, gudteara dan eeacmb icalusid hatt letnesiyn asol i. Lief otni ohw up tituwoh iwht know t’didn eenmoso i i ievl how sdpplei oevl ti nda to thgohur ofr a oga…y otg tub uwefnond blae enbgi wdlou den tno my i. Llemitch oru. Ujst oyu dan ouwld oelv is renvthgeiy she ctpeipvesre me, atht sith se’h ym ni ehngdca elepmoytlc on l,rdow irght iefl ihm. .
Off 12: ljuy uhotgh a eray dtaerdgua ayre ddi i s1t2 and my iwth iun went 3220 in eatrf uagatdngir i end ,me pu in i a akcb. Odrpu lwdou be so yuo. So ma i prudo. Its’ sarmk ): asw emaetnevich ednde ym dan het benig my i dna edta, gnlnsoeicul of inrtoedssait fwe pu stifr bggstie fof no no, to a netoerppci a.
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Up tseb viilgn a tou ts’i nad tbu i neded hwti letmh,ilc govnim ndcseoii drie, ever eth eben. Ddie a salt dna lidmde aadgrnd in kcohs het iwtinrg of olt rtu,h aws dan it tnsidoitsrea a rghit my a,rye it. Had to llte ucopel eh ouy at ,meoh yuo wtreo dlcou raeft og of l’nudtoc uoy docn,lkow ees utb all eratf a trt,lee og i hosmnt nad ouy i awanyy uto mhi into whis ihm stivi to ecom a dna ttha. Os ash you bda ’tdon wnok elfe (i ll,iw) het iesunver kabc uroy.
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Hisngt hiws llte i i uyo loucd hrtese ttah. Fo urodp you woh ma iekl i. Of to i ishw telar uyo het ysera i 4 woh was anidset rinked meomtn in. Anliehg btu i i o,uy erpmois am. Veah i bordbe to ruo ma rmof on eben, niner n’otd to leha flsoeur we ohste tarps hlea hlidc of i atth kredin swa nda to reve gwiknor felmsy l,eik nbegi ma su lfmsey i ahtn iarndw. O,wn a nda no we sabuece faetr pnehsew brdatyih ewll evha di’ tsih heelpd etillt hgtri moingp nda as oruy s(ye rou shgint am 4 out rhretob ew hpwesen itb t1h3 udonf mi’ )re!,ltte! esceni as ntiwrgi ’earnt giong eurnlytrc dna a i. Am ttah i ikrnwgo nometgihs ubt on si. Am ’otdn gornikw ew so mrneoay i dirsnouabe urht elfe no ahtt sith. Oldh it nto ot of si lpoepse tno rheot uros ,su uro iwth leda ot ttpasnociexe tseionsilyrpib they aer. Onkw nad of lot ’reouy hngdiol a i atht. Soeht gisthn uoy to gileltn sit’ nwdo aoky tpu mi’. To ouy vleo psoiapidnt yoka st’i lpeope. Nto ist’ ,elfi tis’ ceabeus yrsuo tiher. On eon uoy tell iivlng ut’dhslno be yaatpcci nidgo hte twha elif sele eueacsb sulhdo oury dna uyo r’eetyh hsa not ot. Ongdi isewssetn are to hatw sseiaccoers ot all rae yeth yuro eo’yru eliraty htta. Eastmrt me inghont. Shduleo’v urinesve teh bcak, oury wdluo ti ehav it lwil if a,pendeph vahe. Edam i hemitlcl oihtwtu yna yuo rmof prata( hrghotu fitrs nntkihgi i thta dnisiesco evh’tan oesmrpi ti nda llyfu. . Thfgi o?lev) uaecs can how. I terelt hwti ngibe eb amdoysn lal us the tuo okwn xfyitedeharp uy’oll dnifers of fo on not stih. Ubt ouy ni flie htsi na’tc ocerf gsthni. Yhte hy’tree ehty to’dn godo rhteo kwno rfo u,s not utb oogd ti orf ceah ton ewre. Engiv dan adn ear nrfdespihi tbtree eht thna eypt dcerieve os ouy ewre dna os ouy uoy cmuh erom hmuc owthr fo ear ovle waht. Akctat eloawdl swa ldelwoof tcu ciw(hh ti i they na oru ocehs yeht siwh ntghis su an hent y,dmsnao to otreh ti si and eht abeceus ot edn wdwakar ihdfsrpnei wtihuot o,ut teh nehw to too ruyo ned ot srnpeytolai tbu em) duclo on hawt ocem are eignb i mlaebd ays. Neno of oyu twhi hte tosl yuo kiel rea ear ’erouy sssannite epeolp utabo ton is ,lwrod euecabs htikginn hte tteader eyh’vet wrtho dan y’ouve lal owrht wenh but. And su i ywrtoh of tfureu dyas eht uyo, spdne my neigb ntneid ni ot mfe,lsy.
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M’i ,rorys.
Rgeiofv epleas me,.
Ntahk u,yo.
Vole i uyo.
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Olev,.
Odl 23 eyra em x.

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