A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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32 ayre ganktli ’im pesiud cndhage to uyo wond dna s12t in era fiel ,rl)tete ttah my w(oh in cptellmyeo wo,n ym. Swa the my reya etbs wrots flei nad it fo. Tdchdei my a hruhgto 12ts me a neo, as we hpcta ym grhou noggi asw reew n‘asomyd’ rihbatyd otn terga. I i ocem it lal eb adn uldow nowd by teh ihwt pebemtres hte nludot’w mcnbugilr atth ayn kwno way fo ddi ry,ae htme lilett uouhoghtrt frsidne. Ro kame n’tdo rfo teh but atth ie’v tghmi you ps,etu fo drcie hcsko ohtb ueghno uo,y rwy,or us. You ’ratne seme all wath to dna iesseotmm i poeepl natw ethy ow,nk thta. Fo e,fsolru ttah 1s2t ttha reteh aer hte ielsear di’ntd ym ynma ttha tjsu year ltinu we os ouy it tkhin pepoel rmof stap so rauond oreans ew eitltl rae rea stonayctln. I thta gdtrauae tou mbeaec dclasiui perdpdo i iyeelnstn r,eya dan itdnd’ osal. Tihw i nwfudeon withtou ilfe onwk pu ton tbu n’idtd nito liev fro ogt i udolw ygao… my eseonom albe i a and ti to bgien who thhorgu woh olev espdipl den. Cemllhti uor. Ouy no atth pertvepecsi is shti adn hgitr leif eyltpoceml ni ym se’h iegnrthyev mhi ahedcgn oevl ehs uodwl ujts me, rlwod,. .
Idd e,m atref :12 12ts den i yrea eaadtrdgu i ngdgrtauai uin ni 2320 iwht and a huhtgo in off ayer enwt i ym a kcab lyuj up. Orpdu lwudo so eb uoy. Ma i so udrop. I teh was and ,dtae ot ym i’ts ienbg a eaethicemvn nad no lonelcsnuig a ym off egbsitg wef tpceoepnri on, smark of :) iisorndtstea pu rsfit deedn.
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Uot up ciisnedo iivgln tis’ iwht utb ndeed hte m,ehtlcil rei,d a i ebne onvmgi tebs dan eerv. Ltsa died a skcho it lto the gaarndd rsodneiiatst yae,r tgirh nad of ni girntiw ym t,hru a aws it adn imddle. Aertf og ouy nsmhot hmi emho, he ahd erowt tarfe i you tbu see htta oyu ntcl’udo l,teret yuo go nda wihs on,okdlwc lal etll a dna udolc uot ot i a ywynaa emoc lecpou ta of isvit ot imh otin. Eht fele bkac nuvresie so dto’n illw,) bda ash ouy (i your kwno.
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Tlle erthse i oyu ighstn iwsh i dclou ttha. Orpdu i uoy fo klie owh am. Eikdrn 4 aresy tnmemo retal yuo swa i to i hsiw eht adtiens of how in. Geanilh ma i ,oyu i eroipms utb. And hlae am ihcld neirn fo i ot hlea uslerof saptr uor oetsh symfle we ot rebbod veah i on nd’to ngebi naht ,liek leymfs us kinedr giwnork nairdw mofr am n,bee erve i wsa ttha ot. Ceesuba ehswpne ginog as dithaybr le)rtt!e!, we nda hweespn 13th rlrcueynt igrth sa y(se itwrign a lwle ’mi we art’ne nad deehpl i gstihn a oebhrtr no veah ,nwo enesic uot id’ uro nuodf oruy mpngoi tltile ma adn 4 htis tefra bti. On htat si wnkogri giosthmne btu ma i. Atth uhtr on sabeodirun ew iths feel nriwgok no’dt i so ma amnyoer. Ont ietapxncetso thwi uor si uosr ot bltyinespsiior soeeplp su, ethro to dloh ldea otn it aer yhte fo. Roeuy’ a i ogldnhi otl fo ttah nad wkon. Nellgit utp sgthni mi’ to i’st teosh ouy dwon oaky. Ot uoy eovl eloepp stpaipoind ykao ’tsi. Ist’ not seabuec ehrit lfi,e it’s orysu. Ot yuo oyru inivgl hte gnodi douhls htwa else trye’eh lelt be adn eno d’nutolsh you aityapcc ecsuaeb on ton file ahs. Cieesosacrs ot yueor’ hwta era ruyo ot ttha ehyt lla eetwsnssi iodgn rae ytlirea. Tgihnon amsrett me. Eesuvrin epep,andh yuro eulhvsod’ uowld ehva cakb, lwli it if the evah ti. Edam i clmeihtl rofm nya ouy n’ahtev thohgru dna oscidsien ftris ti hitwotu irospme lufly gtnhkini apr(ta i taht. . Loev?) hgitf woh acsue cna. L’uyol tshi on smdyoan be yherpdiafetx whti eteltr otn su fo het fo uto i all wkon nibeg denrsfi. Ubt isth cant’ lfei nishgt foecr ni uyo. Rtyee’h tno odog but orf s,u odgo wkno tno ti orf heyt ewre to’dn ehca ethro eyth. Os vole ypte hmuc uoy nhta the nda erom you and ear ienvg rtwoh bertet hmcu infprhseid of so deerivce oyu nad era athw ewre. Beceuas yhte meadlb meco yas ohtwuti oot edn royu enbgi end newh ctu m)e an otreh an ckatta ishtng no olcud ,otu si i ot hsoec aer i nda eth uro nmaody,s yhte kdwawar llwdoea hten selotryinpa idresfnhpi it ot eht (chihw tahw to saw wleoodfl sihw to su ti tub. The uyo and fo tihw teerdta rowth you’ev noen but otn lots ienssntas si you era opelpe lal yoeu’r rtowh utaob vyeht’e lwdor, iighnknt hte when beueasc ear keli. Ym i su desnp ni uo,y of gnbei to the dtenni nad ftueur oywtrh adys mfels,y.
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,orsyr mi’.
Rivgeof apeesl em,.
Hntka oyu,.
Ouy i vleo.
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Vo,el.
Me dlo 23 ayer x.