A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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You ear in 32 elter,)t hadncge in w(ho ilef yrea odwn ltoeecmlyp my ts21 im’ ttah wno, ym nad ot dpieus lgtkina. Saw eht nda wsrto of ym ti feil ebst ayer. Sa dnmy’‘osa were a ddcthei orhgu n,eo ym ew targe swa 1st2 gotruhh a cpaht ton my me gingo yraihtdb. Nda ti esebmeptr lal i knwo tiltel yb omce hte esinfrd fo n’utdlwo htem hte eb oruhouhtgt nbilgmucr nya hitw onwd ddi ayw owlud are,y htta i. Tohb or vie’ su dcrie orf hksoc rwyr,o ,uptse tbu mkea t’dno uoy oyu, mgthi tath gheuno of hte. Wnat semiostem ’reatn kwo,n nda epoelp i mees all ot taht ehyt htwa you. So ttah rae idn’td rethe ew yman sefru,lo ew nseaor utlin it orfm astp my eth ayer aresile tujs itkhn era oyu rea fo os notlcatysn eoplep ltielt that 2ts1 andruo htta. Ieestnnyl d’dnti ugtreaad cdiiulsa i mbceea i and aslo otu ahtt ddeppro yr,ea. My omeneso nwok tub i nad td’dni hitw hwo ti wludo love nbeig ntio otg i up edofnnuw i efli g…oya woh a rhoghut hottwiu ofr aebl evli nde psldpie otn ot. Iltemclh uro. Ghitr my life that eetlolycpm m,e oelv wuold r,oldw ihm no just is tihs yuo aecngdh hetyvgeirn ecpsevetrip in ’ehs and ehs. .
Aeftr i tnew ts21 a idd hiwt back ulyj 2320 up i arey eary ni dtniraugag 1:2 dne ,em uthogh i inu a adn my tuegaaddr ffo in. Wdluo rdopu eb ouy os. I rudpo ma so. I ated, marsk ): uoelsnnigcl nbeig ripeetnocp nedde aws of off ’ist a ym on itrfs eivcnteeahm nad eth up ym a ratotsnedsii eitggbs on, few ot dna.
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Eben i hte thclel,im sti’ uto i,erd ihwt a ubt tbes evre dinseioc pu lvgini and nomivg ddeen. In agrndad stal ti fo nad eth ghrit ti was a ym aetidoitsrns a irgtiwn hcosk olt yae,r dna idde hrtu, ieddml. At go nwyaya i emoh, him otu you ot ttrl,ee a uoy uoy a nad lal to he arfte of tbu ocoldn,kw adh ldcou otin ihws torwe tlel areft siivt hmi dna ttha mceo oucpel i go smnhto cnltu’od ese you. Iw,)ll uoy ouyr dtn’o i( the rnviesue bad elef kown os sha akcb.
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Wsih codul hteesr you i tisgnh ellt atht i. I lkei of woh uoy am roudp. Oyu iwsh i eht menomt dsniate ysare how 4 asw atrel enrdik fo i ni ot. Hlnaegi i rmepsio o,yu btu i ma. Of heva tath ot hlea dhilc us ursfoel on mofr d’nto i swa ahnt i irnne ngwiork dan to oru am niekdr to slmyef trasp hoset rianwd mseylf i ,eilk ma iegbn bodber vree eebn, ew aelh. A ihts tn’rae and as ybridath won, i bti nshitg eftra we th13 dna pwshnee e!!e)tltr, rnwiigt gnoipm uor sa ’mi (sye etillt wlle ryuo veha a hgrit 4 adn espwhne yctrnrelu no we secein ’id noggi abceeus elhpde odnfu otu am errhtbo. Ttha i ronkiwg si eogtinsmh ma tub on. Rwoinkg i ma uabnrdeosi rhut we feel so thta no yeroamn d’nto htsi. Wthi osepepl fo not hreto ,su it si rea ot ot uor ours ldea nlritbisoeypsi axtipocnetse tyhe dhol nto. Fo y’oeur dnigohl i kwon ahtt dna tlo a. Odwn theso m’i nhgsit uoy utp ist’ to eliltng akyo. Ykoa iponptiads ot tsi’ leoepp ouy velo. ’its eusceab ton il,fe ysuro heitr ts’i. Ruyo idngo eusceba iptyacac to nodls’tuh be ouy ’hyteer letl esel dna atwh vnliig on you dlhuso noe eifl ash hte not. Twsnsisee era lal ethy euoyr’ digno ierytla yuor ahtw rae ttha isscaeorsec ot to. Me ontgihn saemrtt. ,bkac ehva eeppha,dn yrou ti ehav it douwl if vsierneu sle’udhvo eht lwil. I and amde taht frist outiwht a(tarp ti rmfo ecimllth ouy fyllu ssinideoc v’neaht tginihnk ugrothh omiserp yan i. . Hiftg v)e?ol acn scaeu ohw. Iegnb on fixhyetedpra us eth stih eteltr lal of ownk of i lulo’y thwi out sodnamy eb defsinr not. You ni ubt snthgi recof sthi t’anc fiel. Ont erhto tub ogdo not orf rht’eye ,us ehca for ti eyth reew o’dnt dgoo kwno eyth. Reom yuo wrtoh uyo etrbet fo eceedivr era gvnei ntha sfeidprhni ouy adn hwta so rea tepy chum os dna teh veol nad much ewre. Hi(chw enhw o,tu to aldewol asw to tacatk ldwoelof )me ydsanom, tyhe na euascbe herto it hnte dawrkaw ot nda too are hwsi i aeltsnopyri si us hcsoe ruo ays utc i on tuotihw to na blaedm rouy gbnie stgnih het nde tyhe olduc isfndehirp het ti ceom tbu awth nde. Nto teh btu fo ’eoyru eplpeo onne you eht thwor are hiwt are uoy otwhr nhwe w,rdol dan otls ikle si yeevt’h lla atbuo snaetsnis eaetrtd nktghini eucbsea ’youev. Teh mf,esly nendit ednsp uftrue rtowyh fo i and iegnb to adsy us ym ni ,uyo.
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Orrys, mi’.
Slpeae m,e gvoreif.
Hnatk ,you.
I uoy olev.
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,leov.
Lod 23 x em yera.