September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Voey'u ihm rohguth eenb htiw. Tkoo htwi ohntm trfae ti nad ad(n saw etrine a hmi elgw-ekno uyo ifel the bste yuo a isht rpit ,ertelt fo s)i ekwe by rf,a troew itlsl gape, ot ruoy dora. Just nhtki. . . The triene hiwt epga keew juts c,aorh and na evol lpeeop somt eth ,oyu you. A emadr aobut aklt. .
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Yuo a trdif illett ot atht tsrtaed itb raeft. Tcitung adn diionesc oyu ihm in dle uot to d,cerebme terla lfie hcwih ish of a uoy sdputi adem. Tath ilke jtus. Nilefge o,h i sltil emermber hte. To ybarolbp it cktata ev'we a saw tscsole erve the aicnp nebe. Incgsruh it was. Netw nda osbs nesek ouy and ryou aekw uclto'nd brust aet,brhe eghu ouy ujst noit nad no uyor leik gohemnsti tchse aws lla. ,hworse oyu eht vaeh the nflale to tno adn had nbee in nudogr ipestovi wudlo uoy i ma. Aws so ti snodsu easubce ti caaidmtr. .
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Enve oudcl hiuwtto aeid that you otmaiprnt he hwo yuo vaeh ahev ot uyo bmcoee ,onw ti ragneziil no. Of oyur in kbca ruoy nusck imreosispn ttowhui rodo eehtr and was it edensrice keli koot the eh pu ather. Ot of uoy on ihtw eh asw lntui eomdv imh dan keat hueg a thera snuchk gaaednm it qurattse eh did'nt adn know royu.
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You asw eth was alts mtei ruyo tradihby ihm. Lal of hmi cabk snigth koto yuo his. Shi lsdceo dor,o hte oodr noeped dan o,xb he eth ktoo. Swa atth it. .
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Eth nsohmt wree ot ahrd owllfo os. Dan ti, cingar and eevn rnyga dba uhmc rngay rof e,hrdatset mhi ta imgank reew for uroy isdoeicns rof nebgi dan htear eenb ttha to ahd yusferol tehsntigra tihw lypectelmo ta yuo. .
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Mih sedu ilganev an oaylnlmoiet lalihycysp as uyo evael ot xeecus. Ouy nra ayaw. Beewnet to uoyr rnoazia ra,n s,gle tial. Of tainr rdie nowgr felt veery ndseco nda atth. U'eoyr and oyur kas nad uoy txeetd bakc ahev asntfcita fi isad fo go erev ehe,r eibng adn tssiser' no frsnedi dihytbra ihgnva ot uyo uoy oudlc no ,time teh ushlod wto eh to urye'o a own. .
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Oyu sdai a was tyr it owtrh. Oyu etdri. Angai ingtrfdi eouyr' own. Ot uyo lilw wokn a ahtt mseli 20,00 do prndfshi,ie. Nnoact rebeof eht vile octnatc heyt onw go tcfa ahve hatt ot to eh,rot you eth ywa abck nhgtsi echa ewer ryeabl nad thiw uyo. Uot hlels s,naaywy nad hnat uo'dy a fo way the efrmro erpidifnh,s ttha fluinap ongl ahve ni oigntnh twih btu pu aymbe wdnar edn a rthear lylo'u nda. .
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Ahdr did yawals gtnihs aw,y do eht oyu arhc.
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Htsi uyo hstgni bdyeon tath two wbneete i am ryors utedrn eth yaw out of. Oldcu oyur so tfluabuei it yuro hitw nomesigth apgrs eshipnfdir uslo lhrayd saw imh. Dna asw ti dedstoeyr. .
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Rsryo 'im. Oelv ouy i. Eivhngyter i to you ma gdal aedr hwo nmate to he nad ihm eertiapcadp chmu ouy. Ear mneeniatmrp ielf sit' ufyn,n dan ionitatssu owh so dan ppeelo. .
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I i ot og hwsi kcba ouy lodcu. Noc,tu i to him ecaseub yeevr aekm hwis tlle sncedo cdlou era ouy sone i hvae hwti the detliim yuo os. .
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'mi yosrr.

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