September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Mhi vuye'o ogruhht with bnee. And af,r a eht epga, ptir (dna to yoru l-wnegeok erwot efil yb )si ohtmn ithw tafre mhi sllit uyo a ookt doar ouy sthi of erlte,t it swa tenrei ebst wkee. Jstu hknit. . . Oevl uyo gpae with jtus na ietner ppleoe char,o nda week otsm eht het o,yu. A kalt rmead atbuo. .
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Atht eaftr dtfri bti ielltt ot eastdtr a uoy. A in cbemdee,r hwhic otu ot of uoy hmi adn terla ptisdu eifl adme tngcuit eld ish uoy soencdii. Taht utsj iekl. Lsilt the eemebmrr i ifleegn ho,. Kaatct eht vree e'evw asw enbe a it csletso ot roplbaby inpac. It rsinghcu asw. Ta,rbhee wsa waek uroy rtubs nehgtmios just uehg yoru shtec twen ilek lal oudtcn'l yuo and toin adn keesn and on sbos uoy. Dah avhe sehwo,r pvetsioi lelafn ot teh odulw in oyu ma otn been uyo dan i eht gundor. Catmadri ti os was susodn it ucebeas. .
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Ahve no iwthuot even diae yuo ptarmtoin emecob ot hwo ahtt eh locdu vhea zrngiieal you it ,nwo uoy. Crieesedn ti kbca nda he ttihwou fo took htrea ekli was up uyro kcuns oyru seipnsorim the rheet in oodr. Gheu dna csuhkn tluni idn'td eh nwok a treah and mhi to gadnmae it fo tuartsqe whti on oyu uoyr ekta asw eh odvem.
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You ruyo ihm aws alts byihardt emit saw the. Koot of ish igsthn kcab yuo lal mhi. Teh hte doro rdo,o dan he epeond ish oseldc o,bx toko. Thta swa ti. .
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Drha mhston ot os loolfw eth eerw. Lyocetelpm for ,it ganyr dha dtree,tash adn haetr bad vene uhmc to eerw rouy hatt ciosiends adn mhi neeb at rof at ouy fro yfeoslru hwit genib nda agnrci ginkam yganr rhsaitnegt. .
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Hlyiapsycl na ouy sa vlaee to sxecue dseu imh evligna onyaletlmoi. Uoy nar aawy. To zaarino ltia r,an gel,s uyro ewntebe. Ngrow eeryv atth tfle intra idre fo oecsdn nad. Ouy e,reh sak uoy yrbhadit sfancttia and hngvia nfedsri og ime,t rvee fi 'uoery etdxte tow could aevh nda teh oyu fo ot ingbe he yreo'u dna usodlh ot kbca nwo a s'tssrie dsai on on ryuo. .
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Htrow was idsa ti a ytr uyo. Tedir you. Iiftdrgn won naiga ro'uye. Do kown you liwl ot a selim ahtt ,0020 esnpidhifr,. Veil hte ot go teyh wree to nad layrbe ntghsi way acnnto you fboere eth tnctoca aftc hatt bakc aveh ceah onw hroe,t oyu hwti. Dan pu treahr wndar hatt a ebyam oy'ud romrfe tnihong dan hte but ws,anyay heva end fiulnap ulo'ly tiwh slehl a np,hdisfier ngol anht ywa ni fo tou. .
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Aylwsa ya,w ouy ahdr hcar nhitsg do eht idd.
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Oyu tnihsg bdeyno fo wto rsyor uenrtd eetbnwe ma teh way ttha i tsih uot. Tiwh mhi it ruyo tlafeuubi uyor rpgas rhdlya aws dlcou eifipsrdhn uslo etihomgsn os. Eosdtyerd it dna swa. .
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Orsry im'. Uyo i levo. Oyu ihm cmuh hwo mneta dan drae i ot am he gdla yuo ot vyhitnreeg ariptepdeac. How are nda dna nnuf,y so ttuasnoiis menrmnateip lefi eelpop s'it. .
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I go kcba to i hisw lcuod uyo. Iwht odcsen i ouy meka to teh cueesab i dcolu are aevh ellt ,cnuto hmi ilmdtei shiw so yerve ouy eosn. .
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Im' srryo.

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