A letter from January 1st, 2018

Dear FutureMe, Right now you're afraid. Of what I'm going to do next. Where I'm going to work. What I'm going to do. Where I'm going to live. Who I'm going to love. Who I'm going to marry. I'm dating Peter. I wonder if in five years he will be a distant memory or my husband. He's the first man I had sex with. 4th Oct 2017. It feels good to know that in the future, I'd probably have figured all of this out. I imagine I'd be fit, working, traveling, having money. I imagine I'd be happy and have "it" figured out. I wonder if that's a thing that everyone thinks would have happened in the future. Figuring it out. Or if you just move and have the conviction that this is the right thing. Right now I'm afraid. Of making the wrong decision. About work, about marriage- marrying Peter. Mummy and Daddy are okay with me marrying him. But I'm not sure if it's what I want. I'm worried he doesn't respect me enough, he communicates so poorly and he doesn't know what a normal healthy relationship is like. He's said I'm not an adult and in this part of the world, it's the women who cook. Little things like that. I know that in five years. This wouldn't be one of my worries. This would be figured out. I know what I want. I'm a doctor- so it's important to my work. But more than that, I want an egalitarian marriage. I want to raise feminists. I want my children to be responsible. I want to marry a man who's capable of caring for himself. Feeding himself, cleaning up after himself. Caring for his children. Isn't this a bar on the floor? That I'm basically saying I want to marry an adult. lol. I hope you got it. I hope you held out. Or you were able to negotiate better. To speak up for what you're looking for. All of this is not as important as you being happy, healthy, feeling fulfilled and thoroughly enjoying the life that I've built in 5 years. I hope you're living in comfort. It's so tempting to defer your happiness. To insist on toiling today for a better future. I want you to enjoy right now. I want you to have a strong relationship with God. I want your faith to be deeply rooted. The world fails your. God will help you remain at peace. I hope you got tattoos and a fourth pair of ear piercings. lol. I hope you've visited Europe. And Dubai. And Tanzania. If you're married I hope you went on a nice honeymoon. I hope you live in comfort. I hope you've got savings. Money in the bank. And if you have a child. Omg. Or children. I hope you love them. And you're an amazing mother. I hope they're happy and healthy and you don't stifle them. And that you teach them to be well mannered and polite. I hope you plan to raise them as feminists. I hope they become goal getters. Achievers. Leaders. Hard workers. If you have a husband I hope he loves you like you deserve. Like you're the most amazing woman in the world. Because you are. I hope that he does nice and thoughtful things for you and that he affirms you daily. I hope you're close with Karo and Emmie still. And your other friends. I hope you're close with your siblings. And your parents. I hope you call them often. Give them gifts. You were always a good person. A kind heart. An amazing person. Never ever lose your muchness