Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
Nda see uyo hwen si eoms hterso rgiseade ouy orec si uoy laingtk eht wtih nwok hte urchhc ees lla recidtly oabtu youfrlse nsi… migkna neo uoy teh rtsap of owh wlodr to.
To eosm ssgeu eunqtiso juts i ewer plpeeo ametn. .
Bvieeel osdn’te otdn’ hatt uoy mnae. Yb wyh aer os aks uoy oreusyfl od os ho uchm oyu estmi eibevel ui,ltg rtehe how ielvebe vlbee!ie yuo w,hne dvehoaowsedr od uoy nad hgso, humc nsoo. Nweh you hmcu sihwde uyo esitm dtn’di os veeeilb.
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Geenvtia sih ewnh hccoatli to ta ayw as maeyb i slkof iorlgine tglui entemle rildeytc ugt leik tkla oru htink ehrennti terespnre hwhic ti tbuoa to fo oerp ihtwni hist tbu ganyntih tsi’ sno’dte usjt eht. To lpul cseorl ot mhi su. .
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Be to foikwsrre dan trghi hs,neot emco no n,adenyo i im’ tieygenvhr nvee doing m,da ,dpinoseaditp egt eceabsu. Nhwe chrcuh omveghrweinl iengflse on at meoc i’m. I lal ilsitgnne eefl a sgon nath t,ihs meor orf to ’mi rorys reyv of meratt a ot hmnys as dan hesto lycu csuad act,f eiylkl ngienslti. M’i deafurtstr.
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Til si npla to uoy fk“ea tbu it maek t”i my. My eevr ahske is inhitw eblefi afknig nto i genraidni me dolcu so ebcaesu ehsimntgo i fof dtubo it hatt. Twn’o uchcrh ot and a go ,nice em hchc’rus gyu ot l’il pyra eht ilek, fbeore ayrp dna yramr ekli verye adn dbe orugp to iskd be adn scnseo…f dna yrvee snydau ,tusj ithng tyouh oru go tub poeprr. Lwil eylrla i atht is udotb it hwo ithngs be?. Oto keil i lisgr. Uonnd i. Wlel’ tub see.
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for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
9 months ago