A letter from May 02, 2024

Hi sweetie, Wishing you the happiest birthday <3 You are the cutest, smartest, funniest, wittiest, prettiest, most wonderful 25-year-old that I've ever met. You've achieved so much, overcome every challenge, and risen to every occasion you needed to. I believe in you even when you don't believe in yourself sometimes (it's a complex concept; try to gather it, thanks xD). Now, this year, I don't particularly have any advice since, during this time in my life, I am incredibly lost. I feel like I don't know who I am, defining myself only on the basis of who my closest people want me to be. I've shed a lot of confidence (real or fake) that I seemed to have cultivated during undergrad, and I've lowered my self-esteem even more than before. I'm riddled with unhealed trauma that I've suffered at the hands of my closest, and the shame and guilt I feel for causing that trauma for, once again, my closest people. And whatever I do, I can't seem to redeem myself in my eyes. These aren't things I'm happy to admit, but rather just open enough with myself to grasp. I think that if I'm able to face this reality in the face then at least I'd also have a chance to fight it. I'm hopeful that by this time you won't feel the same way as the previous paragraph details,,, However, as your biggest believer and fan, I also think that you'd find a way to sort it out. Now you're older and wiser, at least more than I am xD Now, I don't know how you are spending your birthday, or with whom, but I want you to know that no matter what, I am here with you. I will always be here no matter what. (as if we have a choice xD) You are my truest friend, my confidante, my child, and my parent. You are, quite literally, everything I am and everything I have. I need you to keep going keep pushing. You will succeed. I feel it in my bones. If it is love that you've sought your whole life, you'll get it. A sense of security? A happy family? A decent, healthy life? Some recognition for your efforts? You'll get it all, baby. Whether you have a support system or you feel you're truly alone in this world, you have to know I'm always here, rooting for you. I have decided today that I will give myself the love I so easily spread in the world, and treat you (myself) like I would any of my best friends, and so I'm writing this letter for you. For us. I love you. I love you I love you I love you. I love me. Happy birthday, best friend <3