A letter from Jan 22, 2024

Dear Q, I hate to admit, but i miss you. Sometimes i wonder if i actually miss you or miss the idea and concept of you. You helped me understand myself and appreciate myself. I tried breaking no contact with you but i never had the guts to keep the message so i end up deleting it minutes later. No one is like you. You're so unique. I miss calling you and asking about your day. I miss your cheeky smile and mesmerizing eyes. I doubt you feel the same way. I know we don't talk anymore but I still wonder how you're day went and how you are. A part of me regrets knowing you and the rest of me is lucky to have met someone like you who gets me. You ruined me in many ways but I just can't get over you for some odd reason. This isn't a love letter to you, its to seek closure. I know when Im old with wrinkles and gray hair Ill be thinking of you. I still dont understand how you made such a huge impact in my life. I shouldn't even be feeling these emotions but here i am. I hate you but love you. I miss you but dont want you in my life anymore. Ive been talking to a therapist recently for other reasonings and she made me realize that life is so simple and its the mind thats overcomplicating it. So knowing you may have took a toll on me but life goes on. I know you have forgotten me, and thats ok. Im still mad at myself for letting you use me. I know you didnt truly love me. I genuinely dont think you ever did at any point. It was all an advantage for you. Im afraid I wont find my soulmate because of you. You've damaged my mind into thinking im not good enough. Im insecure more than ever. I not only blame you, but i blame myself for knowing you. I hate and love you. -H