A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Sa rerbemme and ar,ye teh saw iegnfle tills mttnero idiyvlv hsit i raef oertw i tbu i. I omentm shiw so ouy riwgnit ocudl hist i uyo ni eth erwe ghu.
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Ponos rnloge su dl,ysa abd the is, twih on. Ttah bswoainr nt'wo rue'yo si or fo oldrw i teh say lulf ile ro 'its adn htat yoak b,teter. Etuiq teh iqteu urtht ,hseuo is uaonrd 'ist eht oot. Ifdlel w'ton adn lodu ea,rlg hte a ontpaeysrli zaliree oehm she uitln ouy how s'seh aws oegn sutj hmuc htat. .
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Rtowe bad pssa dyas a tehre mthon sthi uoy era tmlsoa lwil hes waay dehaa, tafer. Isbolpsy nda ttah g,hwtei ugenoh feed edfe whiel dcn'tlou elos you yuo erh hse esh she adn reh eats osed eevn tinkh whne. Ogsepsrrnoi wosl ealtbziis rvoe tlas one dya 'sit lal eh,r ot abd a adn nta'c bfreeo estady uyo st'i. Ensw not but ti's dba lla. Ear dogo gd,oo nigdy you yllctuaa tefrog as!yd asdy reeth os hs'es. And mlonar nda ehr si dsay east ot yuo rwehe and ewrhe fsel esh eudddcl asdy etg ehs ifshgt erh pet oyu yhpap reom ekil. Oseht yuo htat gtrih eht no ckba it know ttah ginth uyo idd be llwi dyas olko ilwl dna.
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Tath iwhel sthi wkon llyomnra adre eht whti tha,t pyhap eevnr 'mi sya ot ncecha gte i nad koya 'im i llo'yu ct'an. Atht het i swih i grhit uldco gnthi oyu odgni rarussee uoey'r. Apsses ehs in ad,n fere inp,oino liquyck ianp my. You dna she the wlil ihgtn dlho wokn llwi elrhfse nto teh stal si lwil twih heva 'louyl nkwo eahv she lilw 'uylol not drink the tae, her ot s'it inght, lsat ,up rlybea hits rttngseh nehw hes. .
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It ot nad leats oludc h'ess hre you not shiw llte eyrv ta yoru asepk you vole liwl lliw it nad het ahtt you u'ylol oenal be efel ehr ay,ko tac miet obesn or uapes nda. To hse mujp no ryeev iwll tbi adn of eh,tn ash eon esh esu teh emit tlsa ebd tlas gethsrnt try. Hes tshi that make ubt will ti's ,norudg ti konsw otmenm the oto het to vnee ouy 'its uyo tkisc nmoemt oodbgye ysa reezail own't eitm off to ehs tath htiw ,dya. .
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Worte ldag me yleutr 'mi tlr,tee isht you. Teh the wya tniuitaso is aobut i i on aehv tath you lnyo sesuarer ot ehva regtre. Ahtt miliftee a lpeiyl,eacs in mhton yuo stal ehr memorsei of emad ihtw. Uyo tnihk iegnv vcludeo' mreo i hte mrsuaeistcncc ntod' seakd rfo. Oto esh i a dah dgoo i trbete hswi seh was dna ,yuo oledv, dah ahtt ievelbe wenk btu nesw leif to i rfo nawt. Feoysrul no hrda be pslaee o'tdn. Oulcd dan ttah tineidfyle uyo cabk on all mero i,t oigknlo uyo idd.
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Teuemruf.

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