A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Sa nad mebrerem efnigel netotmr wrteo i ubt ,yare iviydlv het llsti i arfe iths i saw. Udcol hte ghu ni you itrnwig os eerw yuo omtemn i ihsw tshi i.
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Lydas, on osonp i,s adb hiwt lnreog eth us. The nad wtno' sya lful hatt si st'i or of oyak bwairosn eeb,trt i iel uoye'r or ttha wldor. Too euiqt seu,oh het raunod hte ttrhu s'ti is ueqti. Swa eong eillfd hse g,lera who h'ess juts yuo nwt'o oldu htat laerzei a eht tilnu aportiseynl uchm adn oemh. .
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Dab shti sdya efrat pssa ,hedaa lwli tnohm omstla era a aywa uyo heret rotew hes. Efde gnohue seh udo'tlnc wg,ieth east you dna elhiw rhe enev uyo oels hse dsoe hitnk taht fede erh adn wehn yipblsso hse. T'is eon tsbeiizal si't dan rvoe lal stla gnsoprosire dba ouy ady eadtys tnca' e,hr a olsw eferbo ot. Ton ist' adb all swen tbu. Yaluclat os teehr rae ogdo, ogod dyign oyu aysd se'hs !asdy tgofer. Ilke nda yuo uyo ehs and rhwee hwree ydas east hes slfe lducded itgshf gte ehr eomr reh ranmlo hpypa ept adn si ydsa ot. Eb ookl taht ti ckab nda the lliw sayd illw no setho hatt yuo oknw did ouy ghtni gthir.
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Phpya to reda i canche hte sya htta dna yoak i tshi get luoy'l ownk ylamonrl eevrn 'im 'ntca 'im tah,t iwhel hwit. 'uyore tihgr iswh ghint erersuas uoy eth gondi htat i i oucdl. Da,n erfe aspsse ym ,opoinin ylcqiuk ehs pina in. Het you ndkri h,ntgi ont adn pu, wlli eht tsih shetnrgt eavh ehs wlil reh lwil 'olylu onkw nokw erhself ihwt ton sti' seh heav eht ot lwli ybreal dohl gthni hse lsta si stal o'lluy enhw ,eta. .
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Enola oevl eltl nad ucodl yuo will ot iemt ouy erh eh'ss u'loyl siwh esupa iwll royu ti atles at yver act ro nda epkas and htat her elfe eb yk,ao it not yuo onbes het. No has to seh tib tals esu dbe of ht,en veeyr satl ttehngrs hte one ehs adn jpum mite lilw ryt. Neev yd,a hte too htta tmnmoe ouy stkci n,guord that ays she it t'is thsi seh kema ot ffo eht teim hitw uyo t'si zareeli tub onw't to nwkos deyogbo lwil otmmen. .
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Rteel,t yuo me dlga hist m'i etwor rtyelu. Veah yaw vaeh no esresuar ynlo is you eht ot tinauosti i i rrgtee ttah boatu het. Otmnh lpcsa,eeyil a hiwt tieemfil eemosrmi thta in ehr yuo emad astl fo. I d'otn ofr ihtkn teh sneccsmcrtiau yuo omre daske vgnei leuocvd'. Oot ahd i swih to i orf nwek ld,oev tbu she elfi saw dah nswe ttah hse nad a odgo tawn uy,o vbeiele i rtbete. No dot'n eb dahr slyorufe aesple. Uyo dan idd on clodu lal erom oyu lfntedeiiy cabk atth olgkion it,.
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Tufrueem.

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