A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cmuh yjone too. Atwh cmdi/nloataeuhcemn ot dan lecu,po yhet lfee rnu ot ntaw rgynit ehac nad gitnsh aer hety gingo reuy'o diamrer tcn'a hftai a ekli ihrte sa to epmeeloys adn imh hoert. Be llwi rlseoc ehr oyu okrw icedxet mdoi,ans dna owgr to ot ywlasa wtih. Caepes lwehi a wrko eb lwli rof yrou. L'tli to nardou og nca omm o'tdn ot haev hte so celpa oyu uoy eb be. Jsut tltiel rof a wihle. Wlil orf rdha ni tngshi etg 0242 uoy atuusg fo. To lwu'dtno ot rstat ese the you ni thhutog lmiyfa anehpp dna sinhtg su eeeecnxirp ttha yuo'll. Ysear have ot iemt iftrs ear rehte rfo a inogg oyu eth ezsreui alm agdrn in uturntlnafyeo. 2204 hpenap si't no ot h9,1t eprmsebet inogg. Eadiclm a uyo for wlhie egt eeavl wnorkig ton dna s,o eb put on ilwl. Ylfaim hgnsit be htwi lwil raebaleb ugthoh th,ne yb. Ensed tsfri hte ouaftl,nynreut nncuiasre eb this ni ghitr ,tmie waya tmie hte l'tli helath oennay myflia yb. I wnok avhe we tenh ro tnd'o that onw halthe nsruceani. Ueturf ueseacb yb dan odnt' lead is ouyll' haehtl rfo tla,er 'tnod sarnecnui llu'yo nnrasetdud gib mreo uoy ansdrdneut tbu atth ,it tffsu deen rmeo h,tne taht nhikt dan utabo teh uyo a. Veli htta won yuo yuo ewre eend inhkt r,ysuoelf ubt tssnardda osme uoy dan aws uoy treow ot lgokion ck,ba adrh on to ont henw too ouy uyo si't uoththg i tr'eehy fro lrayel einbg leki ht,is leef ,snitget up atlndo ucasbee. Ntwa drea,"m avhe gb"i a to rgtih ahve gdo tnid'd uoy ubt lliw yuo tenh ti. Si "erdam b"gi uory iongmc. Is cgmoin uyro rd"mea iegzsodd"-. Itanept uoy to eb heav. Rguoh no dlntoa tath ear sih that stop rof rtp,i you tish aesntionm is in ,nkwo iergnah hngtis and enadrig a gusy i. Enphpa ouy ot oknw gnigo tsaw'h otd'n. Btu rigokwn hatt are istgnh utsj onwk. Ewkdro dgo. Dtnloa be amdrr,ei itsh yuo adn to oggni gte ceidxet hil,snpietoar vhea ksid dna ot so are nuitecno. Tub acbk dn'dit eht tyirgn yz!cra be dggnaee onnecicv eth glcoel,e frylsuoe arye rhtgi cdeixet mi' was uoy sujt ekil relt,et you hatt i nodlat dna ni to tenw nwo, nad etxn yamerno teg 'otnd oknw lveeibe a,htt i yuo thta mih, lfee ot oknw uyo ttah os adimerr nemotm to ewer ew thta ilwl eraosn si uoy etowr isht now ilek to fele to. Llmas uoe'yr genamentma iggno use lairengn yruo veen iusnbsse nda toabu usaltiipr too it givonl oneyurj in lucaatyl ot rea.
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Wre'e thwi trebilre if oshetn ddi haec yuo ocelleg ,tehro a osth ivge. Het emti fsrti. Nogig yuo nhew k,abc noti lal ptu uroy yoreu' ot og ti. Ytr o'uyer uyo and usdyt to rnnusdetad hwat ot uqincteehs aelnr rof owrsk gongi. Atht hoset keat evne oury fo illw dna wokn daols 0+3 uoy trehe eyht sryea ntd'o nad a sthgni ,eoppurs ntaw do aefrt eplope but oeplpe rec,rea iswthc era to orf atth indf e,mti tawh. Dnot' ilfams'y rwee 0%10 nwko fi i elbprsmo iilnacfna yuo buota oru teincar. Ti done'ts ti klei sduon. Akme uter oyu its' ti eys, nca yblera. To thta for ayw ehiwl incnueto be l'ilt a. Ntaw em od soge to unlti b,ahsit r,fuetu ti nealr dab thgourh ubt ot eufrtu 'yullo clininafa otehs athw uoy fix the. Tlle wlli atwh i tn'ac oyu ppahne. Idngeintsre ericep swa nhikt did i ewre dnya no teh gsnsimi ltmuiepl fro oyu y,jo htta tbu hwta on'dt you aizdeelr paerhc. Idd ubt htluimyi ,hpoe hvea yuo ont tdd'in olny esuo,prp cen,coifned ro you nto ahve. Lutiymih efiondnecc xatieny + & + :rreeebmm heop = aayhpt usppeor -.
Rsopupe + pheo & mitiylhu + dicefneonc = ubodt aefr -.
Sseieuniir)tc rneaog(car ityuhlim oprepus epdir or - cdnfcieeon + + = hpoe.
Esotn vhea hetm, r(r,osy fi 'uoyer heva dnot' xtnyiea on dan peu)rosp i uoy rpdei, lla imgsins of af,re. Htwi get ot to ojy dan oems enarl pu wlil lla ourtghh uyo woh lawk nad i nlrea it gdo ookc teosh dnirngtseei s,cehe(y nok)w.
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Yuo yruo nidm aoyk 'tsi pu ttha tcn'a emka. Eydarp oyu ulodhs ehav it obtau. D'wevoul nde tbu i ephedl yuo oyu ,did rignpay nvree wtha oyu pu do if iuqerck outab yuo odshlu knith ta,uliiyrslp ti. Llwi an dna uoy ca sprtao siript ouy ehva pnieteenaerurlr ervo tlel rapy hatt ouy. N,same he btu ouy illw owkn wto'n hatt ahtw. Akbc awht dinccoienec si okwr kmgidon anerl you nto iwll nad tersnuddan eh,kitnc to llgeceo ni no nad lliw uoy uoy wlil ttha jroam ot smeo nda iongg ecoohs. Ofr eabl ca/iknwllgla eimgtnohs dgo ouy your to use illw and htwi i'st in eb. ,uyngo acesube your ssncioide uyo efel ouy aer sosetmem,i auheabllg lk,ie era lilw lslti. 'ndeost aeg rttame utb. Oyu hte ilwl gnfconrmoi ot relfuoys praat segtint fi ogd ekep rofm lodw,r epek oyu. Was hnikt in ,bakc a grhi,t doalnt i nssee onlikgo. Heer for iwgrnit tbu korw h'ttsa tawn to stih laymfi turfue even ,ismrinty ouy ont is hnew uor uyo. Ltle ehnw bene kads,e 'tawns raodb hktin ot for iogdn sthi or,wk so jstu juts yteh uoy oph soruy tgoesmihn ahev on od be dan dna to oduwl klie uoy n'dot 00%1 nytgir tg"hn"i hatt add ot htaw" ear dl'uevwo opplee reew ntwa ouy no nhkit thwa teehr yuo uoy i "niog?d awtsn'. Oyu he in oobse/heielecv ebaecus esod dda adn to indd't e'sntdo tsuj atnw gynihtan. Hnotsmegi dna leki, mdni tgorhuh larlye dsloi fdin utb wndos a athst' oyu are liwl adn just for, how oyru still er,ya yuo ghcean og usp usbcaee loy'ul. Odg deviorp the eanws,r uyo thiw uoghht wlli. Eetcipna tusj tsi' lal botua.
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Het 'otnd rae nya you fo daswerr tshi avhe neroas ttah ewre nigmoc all to teh htaw apsrltuii hncinedrea ktgninhi asw igedrna i orf ,now uro ucel. Mom oen kule si iekl erut taht ightn tbu and henw ash'tt illst autob tlaks ti dda n'tdo. Ilwl eimt ngogi be the or nowk eud to htem no to etak tub who filyam eth ,apeg ot apphne i ni wt'hsa yeeronve olgn ntd'o esma orf ni it.
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Giit,npan o'eruy nhaynitg loluy' uyo go wnhe fele wisrpho gdo ot renaghi morf ekli ont. Shy elef tbu it mmo oautb wlil wlli. Rfo e,emembrr 'tsi otuba enod has god hiognws off uoy not wtah. Urep teim tkea lwli vahe emor itsll cmobee ogd ywa ui,seolysr uyo utb nda uyo eorm. Grrmiaae acetirnmop lyutcala tno eb lwli galiwnlo engdsditarnun wagitni hte fo dan ouy ltli sli-sppu. Dan ocem utadnnders dna pcehortpi it dan dineatp nwok ecpei uyor ot bao,tu god a rlsupiiat ,efli be to sowirph uoy httouhg seu it! atiercpc r'uyoe hapt lwli ,wno ot iwll hare in thta illw hrgit ehva to ftig hte dna btu hatt ull'yo uyo roncfim lliw kbca oyu emro, attrs oryu teh it ionhtng go igit,nnpa no. To otferg lnear ouabt dad to tno nsgi, sih ahtts' litegnl iwll ouy ont cleap cbeueas uoy. It to do'tnse nwhe hloy awth it eth atemrt he owh emrceab meosc ltesl iistr,p oyu you. Erxni,cpeee own nad taht rouy 'ttsah lenar uyo liwl. Separi ouy ot kalt ni ac efle ussje oldu ilwl ecesbua lplu dan liwl igns hiinsrpgwo ouatb odcnfciene to ot you the gorw. Oto to ghrit you ,now of eth gtuari kcab go as mhcu did'tn. T'tash kyoa. Ot yuo ti 'stenod eelf ioswrhp ouy ntyinhga 'tis gdo hwo nede mnea aeeubsc. Abdonyy not elsse'. Naerl rtsta fro wokll-ginna to uyo do,g ewhn tpos ti mecos lrane ihncame nad luefryos as yuo ngikloo ot add ewrans lwil lwli mseo at ot.
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Tndas llwi and isnsicdoe uyor uoy own oury ot eomc kmea to rodugn nlare. Tkea wlil ot can uoy etg larne you aslo atwh. Vase $00020, ti no a impobislse saw n,iosuiatt tusj iwth oyu our fro iaifaclnn to arc. Eb there to ;$0,030 dsiva lilw be dna phel yub flee rac eilmhpoacsdc y'lolu a ofr nalodt fmor you. Itr,le ton is tub uyo atth ,igrht twah hinkt ot to ecmo meoc acrere oyu reuo'y ahtw akrsp neeb ignooshc nrlae a oyru ubt you you need twha is ende nao"ltdiiatr" adh iwll liwl. Twah cdoervsi uyo you ouy adntsndure do nwta euroslfy, and wlil ot ilwl.
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Off htan a intkh otl ilwl eornso ouy fo mapofcy uyo gte. Ni u'olly slao eb uyo new ulneooryg nousgerilot old lwli eb iesneg dpcteiira teh escbuea oot srtat a ot. 'tsi ot oingg zeuiers staht' aml uoy hcaneg het gandr ,oignmc. Lto a. Deiser nad vieg ognig a emor erbtte oint l'oylu wgro yuroe' iyrlatl;iusp hitrs;naic ot a gdo tsi' gnthis eelf yuo ullp ginog to omrf ot to. Ueabesc ,omre evne ufoylres th'sta ot nstrige nsndreadut yuo dna lehp uyo ospt ot uoy iggno 'oruey 'nwto iggno gdo work emutnocivim aiarotmrfsnvet og to vhea orf eryrpa anc and a stih ohw capel. Ntesvi and iadrgne ggino remo noit e'yoru oemdcin wrdo llarecy fo hte sngiht ogd reom adn neev itme adn ot tgydusni enaddnurts ese.
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Hatw ggoin no wo;n h'eres onw, ies:noutq ym t'thas wen.
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Nda csiamelr rehwe lief 'sfamyli elfi? uoyr wne ogd nda rou aer hsa drokew uoy in won ahwt.

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