A letter from Feb 13, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hey lex, hows it going? As im writing this it is Feb 12th, superbowl night and things arent going well. I just came back from a panic attack because of alyssa and how life hit me really hard. Im crying my eyes out because I wanted comfort from the person who could supply it to me most, taylor. But she didnt pick up because she was doing her whiting mouth guard. And it really hurt. Recently they went through a breakup and alyssa hasnt been texting me at all. I think its ****** how easily taylor is moving on and how im disregarded by both of them because ive always been the third extra to their party. Ive always known that groups of3 never work but i always ignored that, and look where that got me. I still treasure them with everything I have, I just always find myself getting hurt in a way or another. Hurt. That one words that passes through my days as I live on. Im hurt by my friends treaitng me like ****. Im hurt by the boy who I once loved treating terrible and yet I still miss him so dearly from a breakup. Im hurt by my father still wanting to be with the monster that traumatized me. Im still hurt by my brother never making an effort to reach out anymore. Im hurt by myself too. I hate myself for leading on good guys like connor M and kier S. Hurt. It just keeps coming back and back yet I still find myself smiling day to day like nothing matters in life anymore. I miss michael so much. I miss the way we would lay together watching movies. I miss the way he would smile at me with those cute dimple lines. I miss the way he would say my nickname over text and in person, lex. Im hurt that I just found out that the final closure call he was going to try and get back with me. But alas, i let anger get ahead of me and didnt listen to him. You know what really hurts? during the final moment we spent together the night of the break agreement, i knew that would be my last time seeing him smile at me. My last time kissing him, my last time hugging him, my last time ever with him i nmy prescene. And look at me, im a big joke. I flir with any guy that crosses my way and expect equally returned love. But all the love I had left for Michael i gave towards others. But theyre not michael, none of them are michael. My michael who I miss so dearly. He treated me like **** in the end yet I still wish he would just send me the simple text of "I miss you lex". I feel empty yet full. I have so much emotion stored inside me yet I cant give it out to anyone with hurt coming back my way. I was supposed to be at my dads this week, but I didnt go. I didnt want to go. I just want a good father, if i could replace my current one I would. I want my mom to be happy. She does so much for me yet I do nothing for her, and I feel s oguilty. I eat so much junk food and I never really quit I just say i do all the time. I hate the feeling of being annoyed at people for just enjoying life. It makes me jealous that someone could be so happy and never experience what Ive gone through. I just wish i could get a car and find someone who really cares about me. Who could love me the way I love people. I miss that feeling of being loved, of being held. I try so hard to move on yet I find myself going back to how I felt the moment the breakup happened. Ill never be able to find another like him. I have an idealogy that hes perfect but hes an arrogant ******* with a terrible mullet. But I want him still. I just want a break from my life. i dont know what to do anymore. I want to enjoy life without thinking about my future constantly. I dont have much words for the future lexi but please cherish every moment you have with it, and study! TIme passes as well as emotions, and sure I may not be feeling that currently but its true. I wish you luck on your next chapter lex, and keep living. Please, for me