A letter from Jan 31st, 2022

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, You are a legal adult now. It's weird right? I bet you can clearly remember being a 6th grader sitting with your friends in Mr. Yates's classroom, daydreaming about playing Minecraft when you get home... until you realize that was almost ten years ago. You're no longer that kid who's starry eyed and always searching for something bigger, that kid who's sitting in their bedroom doing her homework and writing stories and pouring her heart into those moments of introspection that come out in characters. You're not that girl who's calling her friends on Discord to play Genshin Impact or just chat for hours on end. That's me. But that's not you, right? As for me, I'm seventeen at the time I'm writing this. There's really no specific reason why I chose to write this letter at this moment. It was a spur of the moment type of thing. Maybe it's because I have so many things to say that I've been thinking about but there's no one there to listen to me, so I'm writing to someone who I may or may not know in the future. 21 is such an interesting age. You're definitely not a kid anymore, but you're not ready to be an adult. Scary, right? I wonder where you are right now... junior year of college? Applying to graduate school even? Wherever you are, I hope you feel good about yourself. God has prepared something special for you, I'm sure of it. These highs and lows of your life, these decisions and little incidents, they're all a part of something bigger. Do you remember who you used to be? How it feels to be a teenager, scared of growing up and having to become responsible for taking care of yourself, wondering what the future might hold? Because I feel like a walking contradiction, though I suppose most teenagers feel that way too. I'm scared to grow up, but I want to be independent. I have pride, but I'm very self depreciating. I think I know it all sometimes, but I don't. I can be very jaded but I'm one of the most optimistic people I know. I'm passionate, but I'm bored of everything. I'm in constant internal conflict, but I'm sure of who I am. I think I am no one, but I am the main character in my own story. I'm introverted and extroverted at the same time. I cannot care less about how people think about me, but I'm very insecure and I care a lot how others perceive me. Do you ache to return to the high school days? Or are you glad that that time of your life is over? Do you yearn to return to your sleepy little suburban town where everyone is like you and the most excitement that would happen? It's funny because everyone I know right now is having a crisis over the fact that they'll be ready to go to college next year. I think we are all slowly starting to realize the implications... it's hitting us that we're graduating next year. I feel time slipping through my fingers day by day and it's terrifying that I can do absolutely nothing to just hit the pause button. Yesterday I was in church and me and my friends were talking about college. Me, Faith, and Sydney are juniors, and Avery (and Tera who wasn't there) are sophomores at the moment. These are the people I've grown up with. More closer than any friend I think I will ever make. Just a little while ago we were in middle school doing stupid things and making stupid skits and films. I looked around and I suddenly noticed how old we all were. I could see it physically. We'd lost that childhood roundness, defining features carved into our faces instead. And suddenly I saw how many years had passed by and I think my brain short circuited. I am in a big struggle right now. I want to pursue Audiology as a career, and I think I might want to major in Speech Pathology. But my parents really want me to major in Engineering or Nursing or something like that. I agree it's a safer option but. I don't want to major in those things lol. I get burnt out so easily when I don't like what I'm studying and I'm scared of failure. Thinking about having to take hard classes scare me. And if I end up not making it into grad school for whatever, the idea of having to actually be a nurse or engineer bore me. And I don't want to be stuck with those careers. I've got so many questions for you. It's because I think so much about the future. Thank goodness futureme added an epilogue feature because I know you're gonna be in tears reading this letter. - So you're almost done with your undergraduate. What did you end up majoring in? Did you end up caving into what your parents wanted you to be? Are you going to be an audiologist? Or did you end up doing something completely different? - How do you like college? Are you living away from home? Have you met new people? Do you live in a dorm?? Who's your dormmate yo?? I hope I'm besties with my dormmate. -Where are your old friends? The NPCs... the biggest losers of the west coast. Are you guys still tight? Don't tell me you've drifted apart, I'd be very disappointed if you did. What about your old friend group? Y'know. Janet, Jimin, those folks. The Bamboo Union. And what about your other friends? Katie? Leejae? I'm so curious. And SAFEET. It's painful to think about these people I consider my sisters (and brother ig) will be who knows where and we'll only get to see each other during the holidays. What are they up to these days? - How is your faith? No doubt you've been through a lot. Do you still pray for ten minutes every day? Do you still read your Bible? Meet anyone at church? Do you still have that thirst for knowledge... that hunger to learn about God? - Do you still write stories, no matter how cringy they might be? Y'know what. Cringe culture is dead. Write whatever you want. I've always wanted to try my hand at manga actually. When I daydream and I close my eyes, I see panels in my head, waiting for me to give them a physical form on paper, only for my artistic abilities to fail. - Do you still play your instruments? You've always had that immense love for music. Your friends gifted you some for your birthday. I have a piano, ukulele, melodica, kalimba, otamatone, harmonica, and cello (kinda). That dream you've always had of being in those garage bands where you're w your friends jamming and the energy is immaculate. I want a guitar or a bass. - Have you had a glow up yet or what. Silly question lmao, I know, but seriously. Do you take care of yourself more? Like I've been wearing a ponytail for almost every day of my life and I want to change but I'm scared of change. I wanna be bold!! Do you work out? - How is your family? I worry for them sometimes. We're a bit dysfunctional, honestly. Where is your brother? He's found a job yet? Are your parents still in good health? Especially your father. - How does the future compare to 2022? Anything big happen that shook you? Surprisingly celebrity deaths. Have you found new music yet?? Right now my most listened to artist is Radiohead haha. Jeff Buckley and the likes of that.. Mitski too.. I hope you fall in love with another artist where you binge their discography over and over again because it's so good. Have you watched any good shows lately? Good animes and mangas? Read any good books? - Have you learned anything new about life? You've always seen things from a philosophical perspective. Remember the first time you read East of Eden and you thought it was the most beautiful thing ever? The struggle between good and evil... the essence of human nature... and ultimately how we're given the choice to do good or evil. Isn't it beautiful? - And I suppose, most importantly. Are you happy? Do you think the future's looking okay? If it's not, then take a deep breath. Pray. Think about your options. I have no idea how it feels to be a college student and I'm honestly a little scared of it lol, so I can't put myself in your shoes. I suffer from impostor syndrome. You probably do too. Have a bit more faith in yourself and most importantly God. He loves you. What could matter more? I think I'm going to sign off here. If only I could sit down with you and have a chat over some drinks. I'm excited to see what type of person I've become. Because I am a very different person than who I was a few years ago. I'm a different person than who I was just this summer. So much changes in a year. So how much will change in four years? No matter who you are, I'm proud of you! Also also did you figure out what "All Flowers in Time Bend Towards the Sun" means? Okay. Anyways. I love you so so so much. Remember who you are. Remember everyone who got you here. Agh I have so much more to say. Parting is such sweet sorrow... But I'm at like 1600 words, so this will be my farewell. Until next time. Yours truly, Esther.

Epilogue

1 day later

Wow. I wasn't expecting this letter to pop up in my mailbox. I'd completely forgotten I sent this. Yes! I'm a legal adult now. Twenty one. Feels weird to say...

It uldo tuo e?y(pt). ,eys reembrme i a tslli ht6 rgread igebn acn. That dsnrife didcosr cllas ot ousrh for sotr erh tslil fo mgea glri m'i no how. Owh can it eb neveenset odl anixosu litsl to mrereemb a raey ielk i kcwer tefl. .
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Klei stmsemoie i ehery't ot eth dan iiplpsgn but omiserem flee awya erfhtru ,aidtm ftuhrer eahv. Ephdapne oga fo a amdre ngol atth aelc,r it ednsati a eilk ginbe tiem ti efesl mroe. Erlca ht6 efsel eagrd. Taht eomr is 11 gnbie ahnt gnoithn ol?d mdaer ysare utb a. Of me, sraces lilst etim ti eth sspgaae. Ta won better i ntihk hatt ngwilsolwa lilp mi'. Atth rwoyr im' to item to of oto stsseerd ehets idkn veah asdy uabot. Iesommets aterurq eth i ntxe wkon ot it maek 'odnt fi i'm enev to giong fo weke teh. .
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Ysa why 'tehsre no uoy hist schoe soraen ewitr to you efscpcii rlylea. I niggo wsa tauob mi' asw uyor ahtw uthghor to ti eht the fuertu otn'd tiiextelnas ntixaye deha, etb iinllgw utb rbemeerm. Ni raleeng, tieanyx autlyalc. To oyu an oybblrap gongi oykbonlr lie is iivngg ienyatx mi' ont i,odedsrr. .
21. . . I'm a nto ymonear idk. Iekl a feel dki i 'dnto. Adlut 'lil ulatclya ma a,dltu dan mesiotmes m'i ielf i na kthni tub ni own asy ielnrziga fele i hntsgi i hweer eikl ctan' outba evry do rtihg. Cte mefsly won nguiyb ni won vgiinrd ym an lgnvii kcoigon ym own my i,ecosrrge eamls, tmaeta,npr ot 'im agknim ,ruhhcc iedr,fsn. Oont hstg!ni fo ncthgoeei,lodhdaedooh/ onit hwti a hope etweitsn rof to im' fo lcnig tastnirg sesl ie,kl yrev igodn 'mi aitw, mrmielg diea urtfeu teh my igngo the atdul and. Sure for csa?ry. Ktihngni ldo year aws oclohs taeugadr ahtt yfunn 17 sloa abotu i'ts em. I ht,at boybarlp ot asy. Era obaut hewn het hg,hi it's reom eacnchs tbu. Fo od toaub eth tmso i imte gdoo smfyle eelf. Ecom rfa esrudrpsi 'ive os.
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Lkei a be i ti mrembeer to woh lfte teenegra. Of cerosu. Thnik fo two i eitms a hgih it ftrsi at i en?o'tsd ni left illst ym coelgle, klei was oolscreh who yrsea. I lla tuacal ta twih clesosrho leef hhig ?now noe ubt elik hnwe i tniaetcr td'no.
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Oyu left yterulppale adn wkon higenertvy lal aevli wree ouy it noc,e i saw igogn ot nad so liek unsxioa ti aet at obaut islanocgt. Ihtgsn at ni iarctne ewre you oyur eastdurrtf why iefl and uceofnsd wasy rwee. Ti yuo eiad bseceua oyu hdate of teh in ot eaidtl ohwemso dan meyomr rputcea yever ot leab rja fnetoirgtg lniesg eb a eadtwn a tffus. Serdac reew rtuufe uory adn atoub so arncniteu uoy. Ni yoka time abck you eb hiws will go tell i gitrnhevye and i arelly cdlou. Ewkn taht yuo radayle. Nebtfeide euowld'v lrealy i hktin it utb form ouy. .
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To to vero rnretu tac'n txlcyea 'mi lla i say otn ttha adgl i hte gihh tbu ahce i'st d,yas cholso. Miss ruo i iefasclcypli gihh het ielngfe sism i ubt ihgh oocshl a niebg fo sorlhco,e not'd. In ihhg i a cixto 'dont uchs beubbl ehrew and letf nminotrenev ynlcasntto mricodee mcaecaid nad udstip ouy sims inebg psuresre ednmhnurglwie. Draehs ni ihwt inownkg pu cauesbe ghvrtieyen ouy i yoru yenoerev calss od nda imss egrw htegrteo tehm. Not yevneeor mi,et kwgnoni kile i at the saem. Of teh arcys aws eaid so oelcegl. It abmye saw wedri me,dar mose ipep. Oyu lcuod rouy redsam osem ettairnne yad thtoghu ni. Elpeop lla yuo ,wnek nts,rerags ncoe bmeya of ufll ayaw to ynsiag hatnoer rfom eom,h in se,yrlfou nvilgi cet het t,atse yb deyoogb.
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Frsiden oury ucchhr. Nda did zriilegna pu scuh so na eevroyne up si gowgrin esle iegfnel nda rgwe uyo ddo. Lla geoclel ni e'rwe. Onw sudalt nyoug. Evne ngoi,wkr. Igtgent remarid ear ppeelo. And ot nda laryel beal nad i i too i si icveat tkihn eomr be tohrgeet eneb ti eart hrchuc ni mero aehv vesre a to dgo tkhni ndyesy nda esbnsgil. Dlea inerog het ,wow ekli wstrenoht hiorc seydyn tyrcnele uytho. Im' rorcdanioot huoyt. Wwo.
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Nwesar ieus:qtons ruoy ot.
- os. . . Fro stryo t'is ddeen eirgnnnegei pu ruoy ajirnogm spntera a in dehpo ctlerialce i ilke gnlo ubt. Lilts nda i rmiacttua pnedapeh mad saw hewn a whta ouabt hntki llerya unmgreat egt i it. Akwe a pu em for ti was ubt igb acll. To otignemhs cpase eavg omm i sna'tw plaitisorehn grohhut fo hilwe a lkweoy went a eelcftr a,rey daletre orf it i twih wish it ym oevr my tol ti nad me. T'dno ehat caaullty ,ti i. Tan'c ti olev i ysa i. Seomimste tkihn i ralyle btu istnienrteg ee si. Etbret uhmc i nath ugthhot mefsly drevni yb iaosnsp lto louwd igodn m'i ,se os utb a i eb otn uteobdd i gdnoi i'm cebusae pre. Rsaedht ure'oy eno eht ae,hy ongid mrosja of. Yoru ggrtnsiulg up eht emsurm yuo eon aevh a tub when ndfi inenhtprsi rof ni an cieuegdscn er'you era ifsernd adn ot ti indle fo tol. Eomr ecsciriafd iyrgtnvhee oyu ti lreyal dog in cbka aipd aws ikle nda rfo efel ni odse fllu.
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- glcleoe aws gaicghnn efil. Easdihnv my omtrosip ntntsyail dreonmsy. I ivsda vole. Mafr vloe i my solhoc. Dan hree ti i no coldu i og ywh ovle uotab no hmuc os. Cmarpeo efel suidtp but kesma me lfmsey elfe et,msiomes i my vreen oamrj to stidup wnhe i ppleeo ohetr. Nkdi nad behulm lla mrfo oyrveene is stsor so of srbncugoadk nad reeh netdfrief. Mi' hppay yab etlf eraa i os eht. Ot nigog ptepieerscv svdai hpsead my eyrall. Iltsl rpenamtat ran,hos i ivled domr esradh nico,us 'im a a tiwh royu twih ni ym goirmon eyar dna ahemrnsf rhe in. Lango ew nfei gte. A aeommrot as beermm ihavng a rhucch nsigselb a i'ts.
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Redinf spougr locohs ym - ihhg. . . Ni rtmes of tuiqe ehva tishng dchneag nacmdyis a bti. Cbskaate ktangi ief,l oslec in uyor tills vdyiha hthugo dartset roem a ey'ruo ervy fo. Cmbeeo iotr ahev egihtrt adn chmu kiaet oivrcati rsleco nad em nad a. Adn nerei, m,eam inam rinefd ot exdetsn rou cet gna,ei gupor. Pguro muhc olev tsill is ym hsonly,et ndiref ilef yiahvd thhou!g uyor in nad qiute ryve i. Sayt i ni elov who to adn all othuc we sleco meganda. My ovefrer ehtm ioehms nad be i lliw levo hyet. Who sa thiw tegehtro up we gensei mhet ncghea unamhs nad i ovle nwgroig. Lm,behu aks dkrhgowin,ra i adn in rea siefnrd eyth gyihrneevt odulc epspto,viur fro. Tedexic os taudl mteh an ot eecbom 'im thwi. Eyaswaf yda ogt anprest morf ashc in ot uor one we cahe ew lwiknga nda rtoeehgt thero gyanpi abkc were. And eroth far away now to diirgvn tnassureatr caeh 'rewe palces.
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Illw htsoer nioser uoy and frdeni onectrnue a raey nda rhoenat ewf uoprg adn itwh ni hiiasm lklaima. . . Ieettsrnngi ti liwl eb. Mean isiham dne sngth,i uyo iwll dan but looc is ixoct idpstu gonid up dna epsur. Cmhu reh ghouht mahsii to enev ercitnat uoy on'td twhi sadv,i geso. Htat ont efrta rgpuo ghhi ytas yrleal coohsl lilw ohgteetr. A be tow breka uotgahn will thta of oitviarc btu we ovre or dan rhete hpareps ltak me het tmseimeos 'dton ielk gourp sbevi nda. .
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Eht nouin omaobb lol. Wwo. Opurg eddmli cooslh edfnri. Uot you kihnt ngingah oinujr haec usyg i at,rpa itrfd ew erya omarnye ylealr yb twhi ewrt'ne rtohe kdnia. Nyigntah hhicw oyu si asw etmh heert lbpbyaor hwy erakbrhoten or a ikle eevn up ugortbh it eerw oyu lolufat baeusec 'sawnt. Aech triedfd thta it sjtu eeesmd rwge of tuo we eroth dna uylanalrt tapra. Ayko sit'. Enhpsap ti. Vnaihg tnha beetrt bad obdlo. Rziiglean ihnkt im' ddtn'i saol lybaoprb i ehty. . I well, as ht?em srhah ikle osudsn dleki htta me as mcuh ayellr. Hatt i t'dndi naem no'dt yhte liek me. Ithkn i aws elik meor it. . . I asw ubt to ewre tyeh bit it teeinr nnsiyltee of was ym patr vneia tmhe nlyo meuass who oartsdw rsheit i em rerpocctidae fo a a nad evnroeey fi,el flet. Swa,y as we aer tedrffine ehty ofnud rwhee now uor - opeelp tnew ofr. Ni stjna'e nidugtys m,e otgeteh,r in rae viles i nwo? an li-egr ireht ielk tnikh i,ctrvioa ubt wno 'sesh trihe legel,co tyesda hvdiay shtgin vgliin onw cnadaa and nad them tres eht illteylra of. Rhteo hocut eyth as ithw ni ahce resu 'im cmuh otn pkee if.
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Eetsaf. Ccurhh igleavn fahit last up locohs raey ddene. Adn htat iar to ulooibysv uto geiosnnra nocdtelvuo 'im ereh, otn ggino is the. Bomcee elph fi ew and ihknt lla ac'nt i been hnte dsnf,rei idenfftre isluaptri sh'se ngihts a ttrbee htta ubt tlso hepes htmig ehva erwe. Lla ew r,hotseiwe era rfnietdef rohet all ni dan dan lecpas llsti nda o(uhthg ecoleslg us ese of rehe rona,c)faiil in aehc ehret r'eew. Krmaat meoh uqyfeetlrn oyln khint sgoe ivtsi an nad w,aya eabucse akcb i ot teg i osloilacncya aret mi'. I yuo uindytsg lal eb tunwo'ld we're yb ghnist hatt dserrsuip hknti. To a - ewn rou ddaed gpuor nsorpe tog altcyalu. Ika. She gto ton goa htat idzaebpt logn. Oot ltcilsaryad eojs has ans ccuhrh aenchdg. Censerpe rmoe olt uhoyt knrigwo hoytu a notgresr dna 'eresth an vraello. Remo nwo 'ist olt a dnraoigez. Otaoirrocnd a yuor even orrehs'bt uyoth.
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Desttar tol iencs eoelglc ahtfi sha a my rngwo -. Ahd a mspsul v'ie otl of. Ash wgnro ym btu ofr dog eolv. Onw i fetnrfdei dog tiwh toelsrhinipa khint aehv i a. Nad ascebue rvey lupsms rea i'ev my pieckd moes oosclh rvey pu umch fo abd iabsth. Lto hsti etefrlc ot a on ehr'ets.
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Wgitrni i thna rfmo - uryo itlls od qlnueeot revy wteri ouy teetlr erew i ltle ta acn t?roisse. Eewr os gnaidre you chmu. Lfie oyru asw retlritaue. Tlo of osepird but iemt of di,mat ecsin e,cgloel gte dheevsl ym l'li for lreogn oiehbbs a. Mi' lltis trgnwii etehr nda ehre. N'dot egt nseam amernyo tub ni srokw tntrceia avircete eignrengnie benig to i sa whti uhmc. Ouy eocn iwtgirn nad gndaeri i rtast yuo khint at ,essl egt orews. Ai ot meniont nto. . . Neev 'dnto dg,o is tathcgp awth ouy onwk. Iev' ta vei' ensci enotgt ispgrnexse oewsr tihkn ptepdso aderign i lymfes. Elvo lsilt i !ubt it!iwgnr.
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- veah i wnse doog. Dna allf of andsb neev irosne cpik aery grauti oyu do ni hwit orme the hte vene bttael sucmi dan elov lwli in up. Ruyo crsos lsit btu get fof lliw ucktbe nuf dan to lwil uskc ti yuo yuo hvae. Aonip olt a ylpa erom traigu i nwo nda. Uhhccr ydsa heets ayilnm pnaoi orf. Oh,ghtu nlelococti emnntirstu an oginolk add the wried i vhea hodicnmro ot to an igonngo oioctllnec.
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Clhoso p?u i a i hnta hgih did oklo i tteber wgol ni kinht -. T,isacuhr aekm trbeet saibc teg hwo iev' pu lreaden i cumh to do. Obrn been to opdchpe paccte a dkina larnigne ttah dna swa i sutegrlg eben utjs btu its' ie'v etayur,tfonunl. Reom at to tuo olt anler hte mceo a huhgo!t taoub sylefm i wrok 'iev ymg. A sya lgow hda i bmaey pu olucd nalmet ouy. .
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Ondsw nda ahs my had - usp flamyi myan. . . Sles espac ot heav gvionm we cinse houhgt nad elaplmcb ive' ewrhe menaurgts etsreh' aehc kbca fomr bene cneoitd orem eegolcl eth,ro. Uhmc tvaiec in thfai ash ym di,sefrn os ngowr hses' rtfea aimgnk mloedelw lptiriuas os'mm 'sseh dan bene r,uchch so os omre out uhcm dna. Mroe do ew won ftusf mafily ehogtert. Dha sthi whis up rigngow i i fo mom otsr. Dna ybsu sedtssre yaalsw she deeesm so up igwgrno. Eclso i itwh nvere tefl srupe reh. I meit lsao si sa gttnaisr ymeba eoicdnt khnti iereazl lsao ylfaim irwnogg ecni roetghte maeyb si pu ignnsped mi' hes ot dan ubt s'seh atht. Lvgiin meoh ryeatil dan fo tno esocl dna ta lflyu em si the gbien yvre pnedneiednt. Ctleiaocdmp isltl orwk eedn tuo to ryev vhea i i misetnoo. Ltlauyca acsihenrg uagtaerd shcloo jsi'unts tills ni and orf oll jbo ee. 'she a endrinte isemt wfe toughh.
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Amn -. Eerht ubt lto ncahedg rwdlo enbe hsa rayse ownk its' a i nloy het. And alcleipsey ithw hnte cdovi ia. Tub cmisu hrtae ot aywlsa cokr wne alt rost dnouf ntihk lgbneo fo i my liwl evi'. Fo orwg eemeds uto hpaes to taht evner. Lal nad s,ye slti ogod insaem ethm erhe smagan, nc'at. Man ltisl rouy is orietavf whsaicna. Ni ti's iytlprouap eldpxoed. As eht ofeavrti mhtig tdeerohn khtin ebotsrrh dnee of ouyr i raamvakzo taes.
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E'vi aloreisnzita ahd life - ymna in. .
Er:a efw a.
As utoab acre as lpepeo do uoy tinhk hmcu dot'n teyh uyo. Shit phelde osmt teanxyi coasil reoocmev ym me of. Eegirnf but 'tsi iknd as,d ti nac be of. .
Royu tnlcoor on feil eexcpt soulefyr veah oyu rvoe. Ton derais ,ot erevonimnnt iunatsoit pu the rewg you osailc the ect rnob you you hte yuo, og n,i taht liayfm fanniilca i,ton or the oocshl wree. .
Rfom hghi ewokyl is ro yoveeern sanhcgir tou ownk oolshc i pseresdde. Ohoscl ym edldiunc neifsrd hhig. Oynl o'ntd telf si uoy to iaht,f ni flei lylare vhae sniymicc gnhti the seya see hwne ohw ryou its'. .
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I lot p?yhap i to am kihnt fo a sarneso ont i eb evha pyahp. Wnok i seatpphi sonper be nac elik omhs,owe the i i utb efel. Ofr ear pyhpa esosran giben utb ym ilgiuorse oelyls. Aveh d'tdin fi ni god my elif i. . . I'm seur wrhee i wuldo eb enev not. Me! !ayhe ogd i ma so selvo !phapy.
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Sun hkint ni emit het evi' mnase rsofewl ieufgrd out dneb all i rdtsawo wtah. Lseat ,em at ot. .
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I heav eomr ot laos say mhcu ma:3120 oomrtowr s'ti aveh nda i so curchh but. Xnte ewke nda nailsf. Rgha. Niksdr i rfo osem uyo dowlu join lydgal. .
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You i evol.

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