A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Uchm eeusacb i ikhnt 'evi tbi scnei igb)rsnamsae ohw it ohwss nowgr. .
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Saw a tmida ym arhtydib flfdcutii i tath bit. Inpaigrls hsti irwtngi i leypr week ntihgikn sthnom saw hte tath adb tub tow strawdo uutrfe 'im f,erta ettpry. I sdludyne os mcinoyutm alhssieorpint, adn eftl i tcrnitueayn uhcm and rdagionuta gddaerni riugrondsun sdrttea. Twih irhet ym adn oevl vlseo eepitds uerddusnor srenidf eb by tidaybhr esesdbl wsa me --yjoi ot deillf tah,t auclta nad ma utb t,sgonirhcosm amlfyi hscu oogd a. It ucllytaa hte demaohme pu ebrrswaytr end i a aann i aws veer yb & snee ,mmea rtpettesi wsa ddi vahe vgnhai ti ,aaalnn adn akce; tinhg. Dlcesiiou hoseu i at umsmdi rindne dha a. Ohw rieovns etlret em ryou ared yeerv heav letrceedf ti apmtinort si ot rewe acegr ofr i no pfeirctme bkca rfo dna how sxetdie ew of emsyfl adn tta'hs btu. .
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Know ni od be ahtt dnaeghc ,71 ym enht i i ltsil 'mi elef keli niecs 'im i eiv' so t!neiwste efel oht,nes dton' btu elki cmhu isllt to. Of my htta iegsnslb smeo hlcide"l"ik elab os to i'll in keep ctoun atth eebn imsyhw ti e'iv a leif. Ghsint njgrimao meka i tnio ywh( did all crtompue reinge,neign s,ye ti im' did t?a)th?, fo dna tdbuo cloeleg ni yuo. The si aemyb my but segatetr pu dnfrifete in ew so eifl eben of eth fo nerve eeepdtcx soal dne wtah athn it i'd inlli)soi tthghou orlnecsdfi eencxreeip (i s'ti. Preson a hda adn os ma dyas sn,ithg vie' hwo rahd sa much odrdivcees yrelal tub wgron nad i i'ev das. Hatt reay mfro a won slrieehadp as adn msall 'mi eyslfm i hniigsnfi adn orgpu aiiyntrtsvre enve up oufnd ni mcmintyou ym ittwesterbe ujrion ondw is ntipsegp ndede an inamgaz up idlewhahrce--. Vie' rdeinfs lngfiloe- fuodn. I iantl-sghrel mumesr ishteinnpr up endli heva eth fro even an ;!) eht tobua. . . Heh. Wnok ot'dn ayn esucedlh ym if is i lsepe terebt. Aws ti, it abd laywas obatu ttreyp ihnkt i own that. To ekaw of yenifitdel 'sti up rmoe rlsugetg mhcu a yelar.
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Ulsdho henw obaut gaina /wkeeerevy yeevr ,sntgaik isht jstu tkla tsi' tihw had to treho go gnstaik etsradt i i funny wkee atth retlet ecasueb uyo atghhn dera. Is oer'yu h-igrti-t fneiger. Osal ogdo lulyacta iv'e eviblee pu no!t adlrbrenilgol ti ya,er fmashrne ntoteg tquei eckipd or my i. I tlccerei tuobgh os eb 'odyu( na nad )ttah owt rgtuia oga cedtxei bouta meursms. Ruagti ton ym 'nigpalys at taht etrytp si ym tbu uhcm teb,ert tarigu tlase.
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Ltlis idgawrn of cerosu im'. Odusiet of at,thrigf nda saw ardw art reepixcnee ym rfo fistr sodl dfni i ot eussg tm!ie sfirt ta etinconvon shit i to hte btu i sti' ltbade ym psta rdareh it stmo aajunry iamgazn iemt the. I eenv aemd esitm in ent i dna put whta uot abck sodl. Ohw was asw vreenyoe yb waya pprestouvi onwlb i nad cool. Wsa 0/011 not a a-eannv-gie od orwk owdlu aleolbytus xee,niceerp it fo if. Wno iydslap sngeei ittungp ceom my rwko nda eslmyf a out tehre wsa klei drame rteu on. .
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Ym eahv i lil' to texetrdreov cmgnio idse onkw ceglleo redoeidcsevr noup uyo. V'ei os elpope mnay bledriinec emt. My emos feli rfo i are hwile eavh nrdfsie wnok oecm dna terosh gneo,. Adn atke laaann sam. Tssloce a my adn a tuthohg iton the fo nreve gmea loudw otw bltdmesu on danmor ligr a guy ebcoem dtnfocinas tertes thnig who i ntio arn i. I sha noudf riuatlplsyi mhoe deyobn nda srwod dsepha lanotolnfudiya utmyoincm hsti ni me inrsy;tievtar. Arhd stutrh v'ei myan uothrhg os eipicsdhlpsi aerlned. V'ei dan ortiaevocssnn radh ertoh iesd tou moce the gosternr had. Ti dna covedrsi knwno erldnae to ie'v nowk" wdon ot be lfyalni ym saenm lte walsl awht nda. Natsh' sa irnytesuic uadldle rl,areei het geno ocltypemel i away " to. Ysas ni my atth lies em eht iocev ni btu waht or my 'iev ihrs,ct civeerpe sretho eraezdil dhae ton tetiiynd in ohw. Nokw i os ahtt agluerft ma ,so rof lo,evd i adn i ma.
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Sup noe ym arfi ,raef) erash rdhcues satel on at( fo wnods clgeole i nad alos tghhruo e'iv eebn dan scnie rep egon nednitci dan neve otu akdse ,aery nmriaoct. Evelasr ttha at smeti,. Rvee htnigmeos yuo me 'tis ohcslo ghhi e'dwluvo epcetdex, not. Tuo eollecg artge yctcarsi onup atht wrok ewnh to mrbmeree dha ?sreiploshnita di'dtn we aeyh, wsdrato atht nsetmid ginocm. Logn htta stgemohin for nogl, edden gasincrr a tmie up oint su ryauonttuef,nl aery mnfeasrh eapeld we. Tind'd ned ofr i cikanngpu my was msteesre n,log a fo dan lot the htru os on i and tastr unilt ustlfa sahdame ihst. Csien v'ei i ttah wetic tub eflaln nihkt. Way gultfrae stla atht aalul)tcy hetso swa het btoh one 'mi rpguo so but i (ym lmlsa we toustinai and ppleoe rof dlahedn iefsngscon ecdea,-olr pu nde ot oeermnvb did of flyalugrce drejete,c. Taobu sclore iwht thores senleigf otl eer'w dan my w,no buieavitrnlyl neev a it tsgrtiun and guatht me. .
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Ssngsenlei it, asenos tulrgfea for kglitna ma rhgit a in turelrcyn llist btu fo a im' ot nwo adn ugy i. Duwlo i i mih kiel sya. Ll'ti 'erwe og if rues geneitm ht-t-bnue -nvifgliegi ash ynhae-inr-we be bnee nigrlussyirp ton dahsyur,t ti lcuod no acft and enpvro rogwn i. Era awys tnha to ihs lpan, ev'i inme adn ttgsiurn rebett lagiennr eebn hwo ttha ot odgs' ernrdresu. ,nheapps ltarfgeu hsti gyu rdslaesger ahwt ofr cuetnrr of i'm. I a tath so ni or spouspe otmnh npsahep ll'ew ithw ese htwa.
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Lfamiy twhi. . . Tpcomdaeilc t'si. Hsa ealzrie lwsaya dn'dit kabc ethn fi ti e,ebn uoy ti nvee. Em ot who imgonc lterea lot yuentontlfaur nukpca suhtr iteltl ttha fo veen ot dseahp lleogec i a frceod ahev horets to tyoad. S,usise atcemantht eth fo hwit sregtsglu iulyaenvtlibr a olt. . . . Ohw fomr od asried ehyt emst wree we. Hte to ot yfliam and bnee in 'sit rou twih mrtes dtfiiucfl bnskresoen meoc. Woudl sgsetrulg i eb fo oen e-gonai-nrslizase tath eenwhayr eahrrt eomh esiggtb hte tbu cnuretr att'hs fo eben shit. Lieahgn h,etn nad fro neve u,htr eth odg ywosll r,aef sirdee rtcnool is. I v'ei evah of ym tesr'iss vsile veor oyka teh tis' ot og awtn to pirg etl adzelier. Vahe eb tepran 'otnd i to het irthd. Ym in apetrns hordteoapn tiafh hietr gnwgroi aer tualcayl nda. Ni im' te'yhre ym htta vnee strsesi me hhtguo tsrut the htwi tfca sceuor own yeeensagatn/tg fo em rutyl dna seayr ,neturlefqy rehit to tetx still ssdeelb henoug. Uoy teowr ltetre eb hte leabasli were you stih hnew (w,wo lliw gea oson. 'sthat czrya. ).
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Ufn itsll li lgikatn am i ot tca,f. That evnre i sseug cdeikk hbita i. Sllit in gpneeki em ccehk htee'ry.
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Taht rterpo my pyaph to eosrrgnt 'im nath thifa si veer. To i itafh ym nmtae meak dah onw my it hwat ovcerids aeylrl ot. Ihwt owh enve i mtnea hraiplniesot i hmi edtnranuds god a aizreled nthe, if chum eedn twah t'dind i abck. Anth i leenadr eistgrn vgiginielf- fcmngiroto ete'hrs adn hsi ermo lsimpy tingohn ni taht cepsnree. Inmgrno dsiipncslie bcka ingedar 'evi eryve ilke isuraiplt p,u the ebbil arttesd meso. Nad i godo how paghnis bnee olcloglaochyn,ri 'im eenb efli iwhel adre for 'tsi ym 2dn edecidd ta zieeral sith ngdriognu lla ehwol iidelyrcnb oghruht hte to the to h'es !own ealsum lbeib. I het mhi turts slse ntiayxe osokl lkei ahwt metsmon ot ni i abeescu hte it wokn yedayrve roarbh rftuue rfo. Ttllei bkac ookt uoy the a orf malls h,nte r5aey-l-od1 htfai eptss uoy as hankt neev fo. 'dyou 'vei be of i who rfa ntikh cmeo odpur.
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Fo knwo usjt oyu ackb teh,n ot oyu htat i uropd so oweemdvelhr wendta nad 'im flet ays i. Rdha oyu ou;t ti newh gegudht ti pket iggon asw oyu. Igb m'i het wdorl nda edsmee yarcs rsue su ot. Ti seimmoset ,edos lltis. Os reeth kool invcioocnt idllfe ewehr ttha fra is i ackb tbu ot og thwi m'i tsill adn ormf ta emac i. Ot is etuvndear ni and tge o,dog npetrar apnl na i 'gosd edbncilrie. Retfnedfi who eb me, nwo eifl at for edaazm tiellt soolk dyuo' me. Im' mhuc btu so iapprhe so,. .
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Shatkn ot neggtti ponit isht rfo em. Gginiv ktanhs rof ton up. I you oevl. In naohter yr!esa etl's vife bcak hetgrote kool.
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Ly,icensre.
Uurtfe you eht frmo.
06[]//5224.

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