A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Hwo bti i it nthki isecn whsos asiansrgm)eb muhc nogwr ebaucse i'ev. .
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Fictulidf tib i iybthadr aws my a ahtt mtdai. 'mi earft, tow hatt wingtri adb hsit euurft pylre saw mhston i ewke utb rgiaislnp teh wtdoras tpeyrt hiktnngi. I ucmonitym i so tangdiauor left rsdtaet redniadg deusdnyl tunnacertyi iguudsrnron lpn,rsiasoieht dna dan hmcu. Fridsen ubt adn by nda ma tht,a lebdsse dogo saw eb pstiede irthe edflli to aflymi yoij-- a suhc lvoe resornuudd oselv badytrih ngmohsroc,its lucaat tiwh ym em. A nana sarwtyrber ned & n,nlaaa ti ec;ak i seen was adn idd hemeoamd luytacal vere ti i igvnha spetrttei ame,m wsa het thign pu by haev. Ahd a i ueicodils irnned seuho at umdims. H'ttas ader ot we nvrosei eledrctef iefcmerpt etterl oyru em otmrntpia emsylf eargc it cbka but ewre dna dan idsxtee si hwo of revye ohw heav ofr fro i on. .
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I os tills od i be tllis cumh ahcdnge n'dto 1,7 elef my efel im' 'im scien okwn liek i've utb htat teno,sh ekli ot wie!ntest in i tenh. Aleb lil' "dhilelk"ci so vi'e eenb utcno tath my to ti sywmhi lief eekp ni htta soem a fo islgensb. Gnomjria uyo thgins ni adn tt,??a)h onti ti yh(w i oeglcel ddi e,egreinnign obutd fo mi' akme urpmcteo ey,s all did. Excedtep is what ubt eernv yeamb tohutgh eth nbee slao it i( of in pu ned fo tateresg feil so ew olis)inli ist' eth my di' lsorcnefdi etefrfidn tanh erxcniepee. Wonrg sa adn so rdoesecvid how humc vei' vei' das erlaly hdar ahd ydsa osnerp a i am gtnish, and tbu. As 'mi ni cleai-erdh-hw ppsnegit even mlfeys i dan nzimgaa up donw na oyniumcmt pu ershalipde raye wno oudnf ryivsratneit oiunrj form nad dende inhsigfin slmla tath si a ym terweebsitt rupog. -fglelion 'ive oudfn drsefni. Pu lneid ialgnr-ehlts enhiirntsp eth rusmme aevh i ofr eth an eenv ;!) uoatb. . . Heh. Tn'do is i knwo if edueshlc my sepel ettebr nay. Ytretp i bad khitn alaswy ttha ti swa now i,t atobu. A yarle up to leeniyidtf mreo fo sti' wkae ltugsger cmuh.
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Oreht hhgant s'it i to outab tesrdat dha weke ryvee hwit kisgt,an jsut go snakgti hodlsu fnuyn tish rdea ere/vkeywe ertetl nigaa eubesca ahtt ouy nwhe i atkl. 'oeuyr si nfreige irtigth--. Dikpce tcluayal uqtei vei' it o!tn i lbeveie pu mnerhfsa losa er,ay oogd ro oilrgaelnbdrl toetng ym. Yd'o(u be tbhgou two memurss t)tah an nda oga exdciet os tbaou i igtrau lrteeicc. Rgatiu lnp'siayg ym at is but atth uiragt tno etlsa ym better, teptyr mhcu.
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Sillt of resouc rngiwad im'. Etoudsi delbat art fndi dwra itfrs ti ta i my 'its fsitr swa sdlo hte encpreeixe rh,tgafit eht zagaimn ym ugses i tsih to aujrnya tub to !emti dna erahdr tmso imet i neivtconon of tspa rfo. Tawh aemd ptu vnee mtesi tou ent losd i nda in i kbac. Virsoteppu i by veneeory colo and saw who onlbw was awya. Wrok ldwou asw ulylobaste ex,cenrpeie /1001 it if ton od -engaviea-n a of. Radem eikl ocem ereth ym nda nieesg no teru tuo slfemy now uignptt okrw lsdpiay a was. .
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Lli' i to iddcrsreoeve pnuo tvteoxeerdr oyu omgnci oglelce nwok heva sied my. Met so v'ie plpeoe mayn dibrlneeci. Ym htsroe eihwl rof iesrndf konw have nda omes rae cmeo lfei i g,noe. Anaanl etka msa adn. Guy ghhoutt who i owt emebco nrvee mlbudtse amge a ihtng ertste icdstanofn ym damnor eoslcst onti the inot i a glri ouwdl fo arn on a dna. Phadse ytlnufnodiloaa ash donybe yarrvtsei;int and nfuod htsi i rdwso eohm imyuctonm em ni ltaupysliri. Dhra ive' tturhs icdiepihslps so raedenl hthogru namy. Iesd tergosrn adh meoc hard nscoetransovi the ohert out i've nda. Ot erdviocs dwon dna it to nlflayi n"okw my lwsla tle dan ive' whta eb learend ownnk neams. Eht " yecmollpte adldelu geon sa i ,erlaire waay ot 'hnats rtyseucini. Ym icvoe eth not osrthe ,csrthi em ezdliare erecepiv atth ytideitn elis ohw ni or ysas ni btu ym evi' whta ni heda. I ,os ahtt i ownk am ovle,d fro am dan os trlaegfu i.
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Hhogtur dan ar,ye ebne vei' ym on rifa atsel tniocram eno olas out ngoe fo iedtnnic dna ,efa)r srhae oelegcl a(t esinc dksae psu dcsheur nda i even rpe owdsn. Ta st,ime vresael ttha. Me reve nshtiemgo ochslo s'it dtp,eeexc high d'ouvwle nto oyu. Ahye, dah osrwatd ingomc wneh taerg we eerbemmr nmidste ot thta slperahoitis?n unpo tdid'n hatt traicysc rwko out oegclle. Reay rheanmfs tath arcsrngi ln,go orf a otin foeauunyrnttl, su up mnhosgtie edned dpeela etmi we lnog. Npnuckagi teh dne smhaade etsserem olt my isth a hutr and ntuil fo was sattr so ultsaf dd'int i on fro gol,n nda i. Llanef ecsin nhtki i atht tcwei evi' btu. Taht ropgu eno way edn leuraftg pu fo pepleo to itsoiatun asw hobt nad we aslt i lfucyealrg tdejee,cr rof etohs ubt teh gsecnoisnf mi' (ym nrebmeov c,oe-ldera alyauct)l mlasl did so ednlhad. Dan and wthi llnbeiavtruiy gtitnurs torhse lot ttghau ingesfel solcer 'erwe em a ti obatu ,own my even. .
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Ma ti, selensngsi aflurtge nwo llsti tbu ssonea m'i i in a of dna ofr a to ygu gatknli htgir cunrlerty. Ilke i ays ihm i wuldo. Igneemt it we'er i neeb tfca pneorv liiggfienv- illt' erus go tno nda sah wgnro thbue--tn no eb -y-rewienhan atsdh,uyr odcul inilsryusrgp fi. Who nrtigust ive' ot npa,l imne than inrngale s'dog sih to and usrrndree ear erbtet eben sawy ahtt. Wtha this i'm eftgrula sdreralgse yug ,apnephs rfo fo utrecnr. Nhtom hitw nsaepph ssueopp or so a htta llw'e twah i ees in.
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Iwht liyfma. . . Camoctedlpi it's. Ben,e ouy even aawsly ti fi has nhet rlieaze it dtn'di kcab. Yodat rtush to hvea ehotsr ofrecd ot dhspea elgcleo a i fo me tulafneoynrtu ot htta olt owh ogicnm ereatl nacupk eenv itlelt. Tihw usssie, the gsgrtleus a lto ybarltinuvile of tmnacteath. . . . How ormf do ew ewre aedisr htye mest. Duifclift cmoe nekobsrsen to thwi fimyal eben in rsmte hte to and uro it's. Rrhaet i iths btu einanizsae--lgsor nrcuert tsgbgie owdlu hwernaey nbee eht atht fo ts'aht ggsteslru noe fo eb mohe. Het ctoorln is ,uhtr adn irdees th,en enahigl nvee wlloys ofr fra,e god. To kyao v'ei gipr veor fo go i setsisr' to elt zaeeldri hte ehva my twna eslvi its'. Eht to eb avhe i ihrtd tnreap n'odt. Hpoedtrnoa adn ihret ni my tcaaulyl gongirw sanetpr ifaht rae. Ye'reth my nnye/taetgaseg tfca to lsilt fo htta em rutts txet eesldsb 'mi em sarye sresist osrceu in own enev eoghun eth nda ohgtuh teihr rytlu hwit tyqnrfee,lu. Yuo you henw this wo,w( soon erew ega teh eb telert lbaileas tower lwil. Staht' raycz. ).
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Fun fca,t slilt ma i taginkl to li. I kiedck rvnee thiba ssegu i tath. Ckhec pkgeein ht'yree em in ltsli.
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Si reev hatn ot pphay roetrp m'i getosrrn taihf ahtt my. My ekam ym lrayel wtha dah own creisdvo to ti itahf tmaen i ot. Kabc i i atmen restnudnda eevn ihwt porieatnhlsi hucm woh dd'nti hent, a tawh i god if imh ndee zederail. Ish nhat ni nsiegrt dan i htognin rome ttah cpneeser dnlaere eilvigfn-gi het'sre ofmconitrg lpsmyi. Iev' ilek mose abck isratuilp idnareg yrvee ,pu rognnim eht beilb leinipssdci trteasd. Masuel 'esh to lbbie ared nghaisp thoghru i hwiel sit' file ddieecd 'im who gylicahloocr,lno at adn neeb dn2 whoel htsi lal eebn oogd to ndignguro dirlicenby ym for eth w!no eth leireaz. I besecua slse ilek hawt eth onwk uuretf usttr fro senmotm ot in hmi etnyaix koslo i ydareevy it brhaor the. Eevn -1de-ryoa5l sa of tspes aslml tlitel kbac hfiat ofr htkan eht yuo uyo a toko ,nteh. Fra fo uodpr ohw hnkti 'evi eocm eb 'odyu i.
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Oyu stju i thta you os ,neht of rudpo cbak nkwo i werdeevhoml to dan ftel im' nwtdea say. It noigg it oyu asw edgguht dhra hewn oyu epkt ;tou. Wlrdo ruse adn csary us eth mi' ot eemesd gbi. Ti omteiemss eds,o tilsl. Eehwr fiedll bkca lltis os i htta mofr at raf nda im' olok i go si to thwi ehret noinvtccoi but cmea. Ni to sd'go doog, npal tge bdinreecli treunvaed si and na repnatr i. Iteefdrnf be lief owh eilttl rof yud'o ta okosl em me, own deaazm. Cmhu i'm so tub so, ipephar. .
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Inpto ot neggitt nshkta rfo htis me. Taknsh ont for pu ivgngi. Uyo oelv i. Olko rgtoeteh cakb 'slet vfei in hnroaet se!rya.
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In,ylscree.
You teh teruuf mfor.
5620]/4[2/.

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