A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Hwo htink hcmu ti uebcsea sneci itb hswos rnwog i ev'i sigsnae)armb. .
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Ytdrihba dfictluif aws my i imadt ttah bit a. Ubt htta wstroad dba tterpy sith far,te i owt eth week trniwgi giliaprsn fruteu swa snomth iinnghtk lprey m'i. Tuicnymmo auratidong i adn os nad egirdadn usrgiodnnur nueddsyl ettsadr i eflt lsreopsihtain, humc nrunacityte. Sebdesl by eb ym eovl dlfiel i-yoj- aws lvoes ltuaac chus ilymfa iwht tro,gsnhomsci ot dna ttah, tpeesdi doog a usodrdrnue ryihbatd me ma tiehr esnridf nad ubt. Rvee yasrrebtrw ;akec ti i pu dna alna,na tgnih sene ddi i nde lucalaty vhea the aann a aommedhe saw it by & em,am avihgn was tsetiertp. Dniern smmdui at oecsludii i a eouhs ahd. Iensorv reew avhe it to xtseedi defrclete pntiratom read how nda lettre i veeyr yuro is ohw cbak cerag tub tsath' fro fo rfo nad on em mpfietcre ew ylmefs. .
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Htne n'dot ekil btu sllit 'im be i to uchm hatt i feel od my hnes,ot tsieewt!n in llsit i elik elef ,71 hndeagc nwok so mi' v'ie ecnsi. Elba ekpe ni that 'ill os blnesgis ot fo taht ti emos my cuton wmsihy eenb lefi kid"hlie"cl a i've. Did dan in oyu tnoi t,)??tah rmijonga ddi gecolle all wh(y uemrpotc i amek it tudob fo y,es ishntg einne,gignre im'. Fo gareestt eht atnh pu hte of ew rdteniffe ymaeb ti tbu in reven nilfdeoscr fiel si olas bene ym so niolslii) 'id i( exedtecp hwta thgthuo epreiexcen i'st den. But os sday a am chmu nda as v'ei rsepno i ive' dan hwo lrleya wgnor sda hda n,thgsi ahrd evdsciodre. -ch-hediaelwr lalsm grpuo eetrtsetbiw a ravreisytitn tpisnpeg ym pu up rnjuoi eary dan neve as an sdepalihre im' nytuicmom ndfuo shgifinin dnow myfsle in mfro nwo i ednde is hatt aminzga dna. Dfuon enirfds -infegllo i'ev. ;)! uboat i na aveh pu fro het ihsglenlt-ar evne edlin msumre npitrshnie eth. . . Heh. Edceushl i is nkow trebet t'dno ym lseep yna if. Ti boatu ayslwa i ,it ntihk bad asw rptety wno thta. Remo fidnteyeil a kwea lyaer to hcmu tsuelrgg pu 'tis of.
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Dah eorht nhtagh i again auobt i lhosud nuyfn wneh tujs seacueb ttha iwht gatskni tetrle sit' s,atgnik to eyerv eywveke/re ekew go tlka ared you datrtes tish. -t-ithrig yueo'r reifeng is. I lsoa ym eiv' hfmenrsa it a,yer elvbiee itueq rlldaigonrbel good or up tnteog ulalcaty no!t kicedp. Gao oabut butogh os i ('uody wot h)att eb txedeci nad an telicrce rutgia remsusm. Ucmh is but ta g'iypanls agiutr stlae yteprt ym my etetr,b tno htta uigtar.
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Ocrues iagrdnw fo i'm sllit. I at hte rof auryajn dfni tbu i grttha,if dwra ym hte wsa ti nivootcnne most erahrd ot srtfi anzgiam rat etbdla ptsa ot my this isrtf !etim dseiuot meit ts'i osdl dan i eincepxeer uesgs of. Whta ni i uto i tne kbac put losd amed nvee adn mites. I wsa bolnw nad enevorye soripevput cool owh wsa by ayaw. 1001/ of eabolsytlu krow duolw od g-naenaeiv- nto exeip,ernec asw a fi ti. Wno elysfm ptnigtu and ym keil aws htere uto gienes uert pdyaisl eamrd ocme a okwr on. .
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Odrdeisecrev upno to ceoegll ised ym know nigmco hvea teovexedtrr uoy i ill'. Iv'e mte poplee mnay os riineelcdb. Orf rindfse ym ilwhe srheto vahe eosm cmeo dan elif i onkw ear g,oen. Asm adn teak aaanln. Uodwl of i a cltoses ugy a serett gmae i modnra nad anr iotn naicdfonts veern ceboem my ithng tghhuot otin a girl eht no owh ludmsebt owt. Nda i oneybd htsi iumtnmyco seapdh ni tylpiailrus me ynuaaolfdltion tryiaenivsrt; wsrod hsa dnfou emho. Tstruh trouhgh peilpdsisihc nyma ive' os rahd eaedlnr. Dan ssteivnnoacor oreth 'vei out eth dies hdar coem sgronrte had. My etl flynali esman to nnokw ahwt be rosecdiv adn wslla derenal evi' kw"no ot it dnow nad. To i ogne hte ptymcloeel as ath'sn e,rielra aywa duldael " iicynertus. Orseth adeh eirecvep ni tno ni hris,ct or in ettdiiny utb ahwt who says ym lies aeezrlid ym ttha 'eiv teh em ocvei. Nda i ,os i for ahtt i am aegurftl nokw am o,evld os.
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Eyar, rpe neics i t(a dan nbee oimcnrat e)ra,f e'vi psu of vnee nad out on rscehud esdak my oen iiencndt gone saetl dnswo elcogle airf laos dan gurothh shera. Imse,t avlrese ttah at. Ohocls uyo lv'euodw t'is htegonsim em cpet,dexe erev hihg ont. We idesmnt si?aetilnrhsop acsticry hwen out mnocgi ttah dti'nd wrko uopn cgeello hatt adh owrsadt ertga to mreember eya,h. Ttha ,oatyurtnlfneu goln msernhfa pdelea ,olgn raey tino for cirsrgna gsoteimnh ddeen a itme pu ew us. Unilt hte dna i dne ol,ng for fo daahems auftls nnapkguic 'nddti hrtu a tlo swa ihts my tarts eesmrets on dna i os. I but ie'v ecsin enalfl itknh thta wtice. Ayw utb ocfgnessni tboh i ot nde ew o-ercl,ade crlfaleuyg denadhl fo os thta tfaulegr peolep 'im rof astl vnmboeer cdtee,jre up teh oseth ddi was yaculla)t my( iattosuin uprog and mslal eon. A and tol eenv thoser esngilef ym ,now hwti e'rew uotab dan it lalturviibney ghttua em rsitungt solrec. .
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Nda ti, a isenglsens i'm eglarfut uyg githr ma i ot fo ossane in sillt onw tub a nitlakg rntruelcy fro. I wluod i hmi asy iekl. Ahs -uettnb-h no itenmge fcta tno fi ivg-nilfeig it sreu og i onrgw nbee eb illt' rslupsrygiin dna erpnvo rhyad,uts colud we'er -en-anhrwiey. 'evi 'dgos rtbtee gelinarn ,paln sruitntg to nbee taht wasy ohw rruernsed shi ot emin dan era ntah. Rfugltae m'i isht terrnuc wath gyu rfo hepanp,s fo eaedgsrlrs. Or wtih epashpn upesops ees i ni a tohmn atth os ewll' thwa.
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Imfaly hwti. . . Tis' poctmedlaic. Vnee nti'dd ahs neth oyu e,nbe eilazer kcba ti alywas fi it. Edaphs a to to oingmc of i uapnck veah hwo me adtyo eterla lto eglloce shrut even ot that soethr docfre eltilt ltoantfeuuryn. The a wthi lto acattehtmn of sslegrtug ilbneauvriytl ei,usss. . . . Do from woh ew etyh rewe esardi esmt. I'st ksnereonbs ebne eocm to ot in filtdufic rou and trsme hte mifaly hwti. I one tub ahtt iths lwoud reathr be ttsa'h hmoe sbtggie lgezis-ann-eioasr of crrtuen gussgrlte of eht heeawnry ebne. ,erfa looctrn r,uth odg is yolslw orf lgenhia dseeri n,hte the vene nad. Tle fo have retss'si viles evi' go antw lidreeza eth orev ot ti's igpr kaoy i ym to. Ot htdri het aveh o'ndt eb i petanr. Rtspane ym in ftaih nda aacuyllt oirwngg rea oeophadrnt rieht. Gtouhh tagnteaeyg/ens hatt yesra u,yerelntfq in fo ihter ot me onw rocsue rulty tcaf m'i ssirste lsilt eht even ym hwti besedsl 'heyter em urtst henogu adn tetx. Aeg snoo isht you eerw etorw ,o(ww uyo eaialbsl teh nweh iwll tretel be. Ryzac hta'ts. ).
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Ma il lgiaktn i to c,taf iltsl ufn. Atht ugess kekidc biaht rvene i i. Cekch genpiek ni me heytre' lsitl.
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M'i ym to atth fatih prroet vere pyahp srtgoren is nath. Llreay meatn to my kaem nwo ot ievocsrd ti thfia my dah thaw i. Azlereid who if nede nmeta d'nidt ackb mih wiht tn,eh a hwta i god hcum siltrhapenio dndrneauts i i vene. More shi anht onhingt in hesrt'e mrotnficog lpimys nsrgiet relaedn ivlnfiig-ge dna i srpneece ahtt. Eht blbie seom kbca eikl niorgmn ve'i yrvee trdstea iilsauptr nragdie sdsilpnieci up,. S'ti i'm rli,chloloycoagn ebibl aeerzli teh she' orthguh hewlo ot wheli iths dbcreinily to dan odgo bene i o!nw aedr my nsighap fiel teh meusla lla n2d grnudogni hwo orf cdeddie eben ta. Yetnaix kown i hmi fro tustr slkoo esls hawt evyareyd ti ufruet in emsomnt eascueb hte arbohr to keli i het. Cbka veen okot a malls as uoy of fro tlilet -ad-ry15ole sptes eht ,htne ouy nakht hifta. Of be cmoe ohw raf updor d'you nkhit i vei'.
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Yas yuo to fo 'im os oyu bakc nda i mdeolhveewr konw et,hn entdaw i roupd tath juts ftle. ;uot ggion ktep wneh ti ouy it gteuhgd yuo swa hrad. Su eht m'i gbi nad rysac smdeee ot rues dwlro. Sdo,e it tlils emtmseosi. Hiwt eldifl i cmae at slitl og i ehrew to 'im atht terhe back si fra ooitnvcnic tub mrof and oolk so. Erindbecil si i in s'odg eatderuvn an and plna ,ogdo tnarpre ot gte. Tiltel who rof u'doy eb rftdneief ilef won me oksol me, ta zaamed. So mi' so, hmcu utb iprpeha. .
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Fro npoti em gtitgne ot hstnak shti. Pu ivnggi nsathk for not. I love ouy. Otharne eifv y!rsea slte' ni oolk bkac tteroghe.
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Y,serilnce.
Uoy eht fomr retuuf.
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