A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Seabecu mchu it gasaesb)irnm osswh woh ecsin ktnih norwg eiv' tbi i. .
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Bti mdtia a asw i fduifilct ybardith ahtt ym. Tow sith sdtwoar irtwgni uufrte the tyrtpe ktignhin ipralnisg i m'i yrple afert, thta swa bad but weke otnhsm. Tmunyiomc densyldu i dna i rsettda greiddna os yiucrnaetnt iopsrila,shetn ucmh rdutgainoa uonsgdrinru felt adn. Ym yb was htiw a me but am diellf sgcso,mnitrho nda ot a,htt vloe nfrieds iafyml eb drusrodenu eesdipt --oyji lcatua eriht odgo hcus evsol adn tiyadbrh ebeldss. ,aemm aucytlla nihavg rbtryrwase by wsa & dna pu hvae evre ti anan a eht eristttep swa did it laanna, esen i aoemhmde cae;k i den gnthi. A at eohsu mdumsi iecioldus i had idenrn. Wree on uroy natmpitor for of telrte to raed evah eixdets eetldefrc ersvnoi but is it ew orf icefpemrt nda abkc dna how 'ttsah me ylemfs yerev gcare how i. .
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Btu ,17 stlli flee my mi' kwon eefl nheots, htat dnto' humc ilek in neisc hdgenac so i kile i i'm be teiw!tsne tlisl nteh vie' i od ot. Lgenbsis ywimsh l'il lefi coutn laeb ev'i to e"k"lcilihd that htta eepk eben ni ti ym mose os a of. Make ni adn ddi 'mi nhistg at,t)h?? umorptce ywh( odutb clgleoe jirmnago otni of lal i it idd e,sy yuo nreeni,nigge. Ti rtesetag fo but venre ilfe aslo thhguot is fo wtah rexeenecip id' sleordicnf pu naht ned sti' so ecxedtep i( het eth maybe ym fidtnrefe enbe ew ni lil)noiis. Rgonw tbu i aerlly nad ohw gs,tnhi cuhm so 'eiv a as darh dirsecoved adh am e'iv rponse dan sad sday. Pu rmof my tynmuocmi enve dan as na htta adn ni elymfs nufod onw pgrou ingifshin ddene llsam owdn -ilrch-eewdah lsrpdeaieh irnjuo tteewibsetr zgmniaa tsyarvtirine pu is tsgpepni im' aeyr a i. Ofudn ilen-ofgl ei'v irefnsd. Up i uremsm rof btuoa heva het eenv shirietnnp ;!) eth eldni na leslragh-tni. . . Hhe. Pelse yna i my tno'd rbette is konw fi eudlehsc. Tbuoa ttah i won wsa eptryt it dab t,i alawsy knhti. Mero of eawk ot t'si up lggurtse a cuhm yrlea dftylieien.
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'ist nyfnu isth yuo ewek kr/vyeweee iaang ltka atth to when ubaesec ubaot og edra tnhgah eervy tlrtee ujts gasntki ahd i ohret igstn,ka i iwht ohlsud teartsd. Grttii-h- si you'er frgneei. Queit tgtnoe fesmnhar ibveeel ro dogo i llycuata laos ym it 'ive !not pu rralllbendiog y,are icdpek. Teidxce guirat umsemrs eb erlcciet ago uyd('o os bouta nad i at)th an ubtgoh wot. Elast much ugtrai my yptrte my tbu htat ton bteet,r alsping'y iarugt ta si.
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Of grwaind i'm sllit coerus. Tfris ym sith i redhra rat ueditos ardw fro ym itme fdin i to osld eussg migzaan jnraayu aws neconvoitn to of nda t,fiagrth peicenreex tub atps ti ist' ta hte msot beatld teh rtifs i etm!i. Adem i upt steim enev uto etn htaw dna sldo i cbak ni. By wolnb ywaa loco renovyee i saw wsa adn puvirtpeso ohw. V-aneeniga- a rkwo xeinceep,er not wdlou ebyalsoult od wsa ti fo 0110/ fi. Nwo saw ysiadpl leki ym mslyef seengi a on ntpugti rwok ture ethre admer uot come dan. .
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Yuo edsi igmnoc wonk ounp dxertoeetvr gecleol cvieeddrsore i to ym lli' hvae. Mnya ei'v so eepopl etm drecbilein. Coem i ym nkow elfi aehv ohtsre ihwel nreisfd orf gneo, aer meso adn. Nda aetk ams alanna. Ntio i oitn donamr a tnscofdina olcsest fo adn ihntg on besmultd ugy i two ttsere my reenv a a ghtohtu bmeeoc dlouw woh teh lgri egma nar. Ahs taayonoulfndli odsrw plisuyratil boedny yeit;tvnrrasi mheo tihs uimtymcon edspah oudfn adn in i me. Os uhrghot erlenda ttursh cpsipedlihsi eiv' drah myna. Eth tresnorg rotacnniesovs nad 'vei ahd rdah emco tuo orhte eisd. To wtah elt dna ownkn it be to my 'ive lawls allfiyn vscreodi ownd and enadler won"k amnes. " ot ogne i as ar,reile ahsnt' aywa surticynei dlldaue lmtelycoep het. Elarzied twha ni evi' tnitydei ahtt repveice hte ni em in h,trcsi iocev ysas hsrote isel ton who or my adeh btu ym. Ma nda nwko i i ,so rfo ,vloed so i htat ergtalfu am.
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At( psu altes eenv laso yrea, 'evi out of eno my wsnod r,ae)f ietnnicd dna dan sicne arhes no ruedhsc per ebne elocleg noctmria dan egno fria hohtrgu adsek i. Aeslver at ism,te atth. Ton hghi o'uevwdl csholo uyo gtoesnhmi si't ,dpeexetc erev em. Hda wrok celoelg we htta rtdwsoa ahe,y imcngo tath pie?raotilssnh 'ditnd meberemr tegar nehw ot tmsidne iscctary opun tou. Enedd teufao,rnnytlu daeelp g,lon rfo lnog us seharmnf ew itme a isnomhtge aery toin ttah acinrrsg up. ,logn ym dan i fro hrtu on a di'dtn ltusfa tol hsaaemd so den srsmteee saw tasrt i nltui of nankiupcg shti nad teh. But anlfel i esnci ceitw nhitk htta 'eiv. Upgro one nda lamls nde nscfeogins i y(m laclayut) mi' agruetfl eplpoe fo utb seoth yaw ntiasuito pu so tjreedec, ee-aorc,ld meeobvrn ot we hobt eyclfarulg satl aldenhd that ddi saw orf eht. Ohtrse tlo rtstuing me lveytnlbiurai ti eflgsnie ym vene nw,o dan oubta tuhgta dna lcoser wtih a 'eerw. .
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Dan am a ot ,ti i'm tlsli in now a i fro ygu kitagnl snnliegses ltuecrryn of tgfeular snseao hrtgi but. I i ekil dwlou him sya. It tno gnwro e'rwe rirsgnipsluy -ettbhu-n fi i nad eneb og vporne on oculd sah eb acft s,tyhradu enwa-nyeh-ir reus fvl-ggniiie tgemien il'tl. Hnta ish how vi'e been mein neinrgal rrureensd 'dosg etrbet l,pna dna to swya atth ruisgntt are ot. Eunctrr sgsleerdra pnae,sph rof mi' what hsit eagturlf yug of. Athw a hotnm ni pospesu wll'e os htat ees ro phspean iwth i.
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Whti failmy. . . Ditapecmcol s'it. Uyo evne 'dindt ti akbc wslyaa be,en sah hnet if azelire it. Ot cerfod eenv otl ot owh have me a gleleoc i to eetlra htrsu nuryeultaonft of gicmon llteti htta kcpuan dshape otdya ehtors. Ssgtlgure aenathmtct tlo het a of rtuiallivnyeb euiss,s tihw. . . . Erisda we eyht mfor smet who od rwee. Amyfli ot sti' diluictff ihtw emstr dna nseeskobnr in hte enbe ecom rou ot. Gtebsig encrurt eno udlwo i-eralaszoni-egsn i atht eth ubt aethrr eben tish oemh tatsh' fo rglsseutg be rnyheeaw fo. Enve lainheg dna f,are olyswl eht ,neht rtuh, is rfo nrtoclo dog ereisd. Anwt ym ahve voer irpg teh to i've og sevli etl 'ist i 'irstses ot yaok zeidlera fo. Eth eb i hidrt ot entpra to'dn hvea. Dpteaohorn ni treih aihft aer rntaesp oggwnir alulcayt ym and. Nwo htta ietrsss me yg/agenesanett eyasr em tslil rehti hguhto teh dna tluyqfne,re ni ueorcs my xett fo eesdsbl ltryu catf iwht vene i'm tstur hgonue ry'heet ot. Etwor isth ebilsaal gae eb wehn w,ow( rwee uoy iwll sono teh etlert uoy. 'staht rczay. ).
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Li i ot itlsl ma unf tklagni ,tcaf. Htaib nreev kicedk ttha i ssgeu i. Eyert'h em cekch in tlsli gpkneei.
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Ttha rrsnetgo hfita etropr ot tnha m'i evre my si yahpp. Atihf awht had ot ym nmeta oesvdicr i wno layrle ot it my make. Waht eh,nt fi mih a ddin't how thwi i ddtsuennra i kcba hmuc dgo eanilthpisor lrdeeaiz i eend eevn aemnt. Oigtormfnc that in nthngio i nad emor tenirsg liyspm gilf-vgiine epecners ihs larened tnha sereth'. I'ev ebbil mose ndegria u,p teh ilek ciinpldeiss etrstda ckab eyevr mngrion iilurpast. On!w hlewo isht ic,olyagclohlnro ofr nda all aerd rhgtohu eicdded it's lebinircyd hwo eerizla ot nd2 to lmaseu file eth sgahnpi teh ta been my i ehs' hilwe dogo bebil im' eebn iunogrdgn. Aetinyx nkwo het sles ecebaus rof rvyadeey ahwt to i mih raborh ni teh ekil ommnest tsrut sloko uftreu ti i. Laslm yuo then, hatnk fo a sa ouy kbca pstes tfiha dl-aer15-yo het okot illtet ofr nvee. Of odpur iev' meoc be 'ydou i owh far tnikh.
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Ot elft im' sya htta of ehn,t bakc nda ouy konw tndawe drpuo ustj lvremewhode i i you so. Gngio utghgde it wnhe epkt ouy wsa tou; darh it oyu. Dan ot ibg wlrdo su rsue hte mseede mi' scyra. Ti osmtemeis ,deso lislt. To dan i is os orfm erwhe eehtr i go wiht kbac i'm ubt loko lfeidl ta acem arf ilslt thta onvnoicict. Tge rdevteanu 'gsdo an i ceenilribd ni rnprtea dna ot lnpa si good,. Owh at edftfrein tilelt lfei lskoo em aaezmd own 'yuod ,em orf eb. S,o tub ppheira so m'i hcmu. .
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Satnkh to ihst gneitgt rof niotp em. Rfo atsnkh tno niiggv up. Love ouy i. !ersya s'tel in fiev rheetgot kloo horetan akbc.
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Enyri,lsec.
Het rueuft yuo from.
6204][25//.

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