A letter from September 5th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I report about my current situation. Currently, things got awful. No job. No friends. No social life. No money. No gf. Everything seems mundane, i interest in anything. Every time I see at the mirror, really dark thoughts rising. To be gone. It sounds easy. Anyway, these people of "close" to me, are they really gonna cry over me if I am gone? Maybe for a week. And then I'm just being forgotten. I write a lot before, WE remember some of those journal days from past times when WE just can't take it anymore from them? Maybe it's a cycle, maybe it's the air and atmosphere, maybe it's my brain... but this KEEPS coming. I'm feeling dizzy. I want to cry but only got a tense feeling. I want to scream but no place safe for screaming. I want to express this dark feeling but there's no way of vomiting this toxic substance out of my head and lungs. I feel grinded from the inside. I cannot. I want to die... That's why now I'm writing this letter. Hopefully, this is a good thing to bet to me. I cannot do this alone. I don't have people so maybe just a little bit strength can help me endure this pain, from the unseen force if that's the correct way to call it. I'm calling all the powerful and gracious beings to make me strong. Mother Mary, Almighty Universe, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Jesus, Buddha... The force of nature... I want to just give myself a chance to endure this and appreciate my moment. I want to keep alive even if I'm standing still in the midst of this storm. I want to have a little strength, to not let go of my grip, so I am not drowned. I am depressed for long times I know, WE know, but just give me strength, just give me a little bit of faith. A year from now, I need to be alive. Just for the sake to see this letter and check myself if I am still breathing. Man... this year is such a dark year. But a faith, even a little bit, will keep my hand gripping my ship for a bit longer to survive this storm, even that I cannot see anything and there's only cold and pain right now all over my skin. Just have faith. Just keep living. Just keep breathing. Just see one year. And maybe we can evaluate again the plan. Sigh..... I hope I can just talk to anybody about this man. Even to breathe is so heavy... G. 22:55 5 Sept 2020 Sit on this ****** couch-mattress.