A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Mylpoeetlc ,own aer ’mi atth my ghadnec t12s dnwo life ni my (ohw in 32 agitnkl ot uyo dan epsdui yrea rte,tle). Tbse rstow lfie my yrae dna it eth of wsa. Ctdiehd we my a ,neo trgea as ont my rhgou weer trihdayb ts12 on’dy‘sma atphc rhhgtuo was gogin a em. Dnow all ti tiltel ywa nbumicrlg idd ltodu’wn fo nad atht onkw teh i hte eb i emht teermsepb any whti otogthhuru by a,eyr fndrsei owdlu ocem. Us ahtt ro recid itmhg epsut, meka uyo chsko ugenho ton’d teh thbo e’vi r,owyr oy,u fo tbu rof. Plpeeo erta’n seietmsom yteh lal yuo emes kown, watn twha taht ot i dan. 12ts ti rea tscaylonnt eht os ew rea ahtt tath ew rlsuo,ef uyo omfr my rsneoa seeiral eethr hitkn niltu anym iteltl ttha udnroa eary ppeeol pats ear os d’tndi of tjus. And baecem ae,yr ropddpe i taauerdg ileesynnt tuo i isacdiul atth did’tn osal. I for ivel ot i leov i huhotrg tddn’i dne lspipde tog y…gao it eabl utb tno nad ohw how ym pu nwok nbieg hwit douwnefn moensoe iefl woudl onti iuthotw a. Uro tlehmlic. E’hs eeveipsctrp ulwod no githr and ynterheigv em, ilef sjtu ihm ahtt gdnchea my uoy ni thsi si voel she lpecolemyt wo,ldr. .
Idd em, :12 fof in in up touhhg wnte a cabk edn i ayre jluy nrdaiugatg 0322 uni ym a aery i aedgaurdt dna 1t2s rtaef i hitw. Be wdulo yuo rupdo os. Os ma i rpoud. My raskm cnsegliolun frsti ,tead trtsdaiensio ppenortice :) no ewf ym ednde tis’ to up wsa the fo ,no evenaihmetc a enbgi adn nad i a gbgiset fof.
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Vree uot a thwi invgli ltm,ihcel ei,rd sti’ up best tbu nad neded mingov i nesoidic been hte. Skhco fo in a dan ihgrt nda it odittirsesan lto eyar, nddarag idemdl eth hrtu, saw tsla ym ntiwrig a died ti. Ot relt,te lla go you i ertaf ulocd a dknw,cool letl uyo tou him ees of vitsi i ubt a hiws awnyay at uyo uoy dan og arfte eh dna omec dah puloec dcl’otnu sonhmt ttha oewtr otni imh ot he,om. (i bcka dnto’ yuor kown eelf wi)ll, ahs abd vnsreiue so yuo hte.
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Hisw yuo llet i taht i cluod ithgns ethres. Lkie fo ma oyu uopdr how i. Netomm owh fo was eyars wihs ridkne you etrla to 4 dseinat teh ni i i. Am i i btu rpiosem ,ouy nailegh. Veha sfyeml i ne,eb i nerin ma su ttha mfylse tnah ew o’dnt dbebor bnieg am rouslfe htseo no hale tsarp rofm dan ihldc eevr endrki rou i ahel ot rnokigw ot aws dwnair to ,kiel of. Csabuee ngoig itb s(ey sa nudof on nda llew ldeeph !r,te)!let n,wo eenshpw am nad id’ ncseei rtueyrncl erbrhot gwrtiin dna e’rnta afret a oruy tletil sa a pneeshw 4 irght idhrbayt ntgish nogimp vhea otu we h1t3 i our ew ihts ’im. No ma nkgwroi is but nghetsoim htta i. So utrh tish ew ma ahtt i doasinbure griowkn n’dot ynmreao no fele. Rea fo ousr orteh si us, nto nto to lhod ybsoeisitpinrl ti ruo dlae iwht xaiostnetepc yeth epslope ot. I thta otl a nad uore’y fo kwon dohigln. Wodn im’ ayko nhitsg uoy tpu gntlile its’ to oesht. Elvo to s’ti pptindsoai koya uyo leppoe. St’i ton i’st f,lie tehir ousyr eebcusa. Ot lees teh ahs ingod life and not uoy uyo eb catyapic ruyo ellt tns’duolh hwta on lngivi suodhl one r’theey sueeacb. Gndoi scsreicsaoe oyur ’yeruo era heyt seeissnwt thta to tahw eitlyar lla to ear. Ngnohit me etmtars. Lilw your o’lvduhes dn,eehpap it k,acb udwol eersnviu aehv haev het it fi. Htecillm ormf ti ecsidison yan srmeipo dmae dan sfirt flluy othrguh i htta otuhiwt avnht’e i itgnnihk p(aart yuo. . Sceau who fhigt can le?o)v. Hiwt all erltet eb omnasyd htsi fo pefteayirhxd teh gbnie nwko o’ylul rdfesni us ton no i of otu. Ercfo ni ’natc utb uyo inshgt shit efli. Aech ehty hety ti roeth for ,su tbu dton’ odog for ewer ont ogdo erhtey’ tno nwko. Tbtere os oyu hant os uchm rae more eewr rothw fo iveerecd vnige nda uyo fhiirdsepn aer uoy epty eht twha evol dna and cumh. To yeht eht i oyru (wchhi ietapoylrns and tuc to the ned olelfdwo akwwdar oawedll what uor too hyet aws horet no ti duclo era i omec an tatkac to,u freidhsipn owtiuth is dbmlae wehn tnhgis ebseuca tbu na den benig m)e it tenh asy su coshe msoynad, ihws ot ot. Oeuv’y are adertet is aer ou’rey oyu ton eht noen dol,rw inkntgih uyo lsot lal owthr of btu hnew tssnnisae nda seeaubc elppoe aoutb eth owthr htwi yehvte’ like. Ot ye,smlf us bengi psdne nad my ndenti reufut het oywthr i fo u,oy in ayds.
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Mi’ sro,yr.
Orfvieg me, pselae.
Uoy, kthna.
I oyu lvoe.
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Elv,o.
X 32 me lod raey.

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