A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Edahcng im’ hatt 23 aery in (owh nda my ni ertt)l,e w,no s2t1 uiespd to rea uyo efil my dwno ylltmeecop kigltna. Teh ym iefl it fo reya rwots wsa dna bste. Ngiog weer hcpat ym as ym ybithdar 1t2s a ‘ymnosad’ oe,n getra rgouh saw ew otn rhthogu em tdihedc a. Hte fo sridnef yna i dan reespmetb eth idd ti wya dwno ownk yb htme hitw ttlile htta uwold uguhohrtto lal i eb tlwnod’u omce ,ayre cbunlimgr. Or kame tghim uyo to’dn ,ryorw reidc cokhs hobt teh teup,s fo but ofr su ouy, that ei’v nohgeu. To htta yeht i nad lal ouy meoitsmse people wtna seme e’tnra hawt wo,kn. We uoy hteer inhkt nid’td thta os htat fs,uerlo tetill eaesrli atth os unlti fmor eyra my onyctasntl ti era lpepoe uoradn ujts era namy fo aer ew 21ts aspt onsear eth. Ucisdlai oasl nyltnesei cbmaee i thta out and dpoedrp ntid’d eaautdgr i rae,y. Thitwuo wokn ay…go ot uhgorht i neowfnud dwlou pdspiel rfo ym otn hwo edn eilf htiw ntidd’ eemsono nad got toin vile how i binge a btu pu albe ti voel i. Our tmhllcei. On e,m nad thegevriny ihm oevl ifle hes ndhaegc utsj eh’s is cyepomellt crteppesvie hritg my luwdo yuo stih taht d,wlor ni. .
Twne den i a aeyr 3022 i i yluj my pu ni ihtw fof 2ts1 dna eyar in m,e acbk dainutaggr a tuohhg uin tgudeaard arfte 12: ddi. So duolw doupr eb yuo. So i udopr am. My edtiiastsrno ,deat irpctoenpe pu kamsr and rtisf ist’ my vtnaeeihemc nad to ): a a on besigtg fof dnede ewf ,no egonnuilslc begni of i the asw.
.
Pu cneisido iingvl a and ’sit tuo tub ngmoiv i lmlitceh, re,id tbse tiwh the nebe ededn eevr. Dan lot r,uth satl dagdnra ym ghitr it a a cohks ddmeli gitwnri teh aws of odntartessii dide in ti ye,ar and. Ouy tath sitvi eh oknlwco,d rteetl, tlle dah hwsi ftrea i go him mnhtos uyo uct’olnd a out ot oyu tino odulc rfeta ees loepcu hmi eohm, wnayay dna dna teorw i go you of ubt ot ecom at lla a. Uveisern (i sha fele yuro os bakc otnd’ eth bad uyo owkn ,li)wl.
.
Wish i i hatt oulcd ouy eteshr lelt ighnts. Keil i dupro you fo ohw am. Dikern asw dsienat i 4 aesry ot in uoy het fo owh arlet i hiws nmtome. I iepsmor giahnel i utb am ,uoy. To like, nwidra ufersol ahle ew teohs ot veer fo fseyml us rneni rednki ofrm i laeh have atprs dton’ i ruo ot i ahnt diclh drbebo dan bieng am ma ttah gkoriwn on een,b symfle was. 31th thrig dan nad ionpgm as nad odnuf nrertlcuy llitte lwle esnphew ma tib a we rouy hsit 4 a sa n,wo gstinh trefa dlpeeh im’ gngoi uot y(se oru nwpshee orbtrhe cnesie eabcsue i iwginrt ’anetr hvea !)lt!tere, iyhdrbat we di’ no. Tgehmniso am atth knwiogr si no i tbu. We htru i usibanerod ma no ’otnd ahtt feel oraemyn hsit oikngwr os. Tno eatniecoptsx eroth it ethy is to otn hdol fo htiw leripnysoisitb to dela aer uor rous ,us soplepe. I hatt a ou’yer nda onkw of hogldni lot. Netglli ykao it’s to sheot stgnhi ouy ’mi wond put. To levo leoepp you ipsitpdnao oaky t’si. Ueecabs t’si ont ,ielf ’tsi osury rtihe. Eltl hslodu ont sele has teh iilvgn hye’ret ot ryuo godin twah sultdonh’ dan noe you on be file cebesau ytcpiaac oyu. Hatw snseetwis eesssariocc all era teyh euyro’ onidg hatt to uyor era eytairl to. Mtaestr inthnog em. Ti if llwi wloud bc,ka ehva teh ti isueevrn veha your d,aehpepn desl’ovhu. Yuo aatr(p nya fstri seorpmi i coiessdni hatt othuiwt othhrgu amed lulyf nad h’ntvae ilmcehtl i iihnnkgt rfom ti. . Hwo ev)?lo nac tihgf saceu. Uto etryehaxpidf not rtelet i of tiwh all hist rseinfd wnok no lu’loy het neigb su yoadmsn of eb. Iefl hngsit hist atcn’ you btu ni ofcre. Su, y’rehte otn rfo ont they odgo treoh d’not wree oogd htey btu ti wokn rof chae. Rhsdifenpi nda tyep and so betrte hwat uoy iecevrde nda were het olev os hwrto uoy umhc uoy omer rae tahn much eivgn aer of. Lwdleao iebgn eth ti rwakdwa auecesb su on ot htwuito si rsfieipdnh aws an ihsw ubt ingsht i hten waht to odlleowf nda ewnh uor asy ryou ich(wh sceho em) to oto den ti ldmaeb end ear i ehty toher to ,tuo meco an aeolytripsn utc ktacta eht oam,dsyn lcodu hety. Neon rwhot opelep ithgiknn ,lwdro utb uoyre’ are senstansi boaut si htwi orhwt fo yevht’e are the and otsl yoeuv’ otn lal oyu aeretdt you eikl het esaubce hwen. Uretuf nsepd neibg adn yflse,m i us ot my oy,u deitnn syad in of rwtoyh teh.
.
’im yors,r.
Foirveg me, aelspe.
Kahnt uoy,.
Eovl i ouy.
.
E,lov.
Dol x 23 em yera.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Write new comment

Load more comments