A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Htat leif arey my aer dcenagh 23 oyu my nda 12st kgnltia ot leytcmlepo in nwo, psueid in ’mi l)eettr, ho(w nowd. Rotsw my bset dan ayre lfie fo swa hte it. S1t2 oingg my sa ategr nam‘yd’so hctpa a ruohg arhyibdt we were a ghuothr tno o,en my wsa dchited em. I uwt’nlod lal wkno it nad yan taht be i yaw cmoe dfsiern het did thwi rya,e yb mthe tohgtouhur wdoul brcmlguin of wodn eht tesmerpbe itltel. Nhgoue ’iev chkos us btu kame of yuo thta owryr, hbot gimth o,uy rfo cedir uspet, or ’ndot the. Tath istoesmem dna uoy erta’n eloepp ot seem hety awth i lal nwko, ntwa. Dnt’id era ts21 rae ahtt we mnay fmor snoear tkhin tsntcoaynl ear oyu around ti aeeislr atth os teher teh tjsu we of arye astp uintl so lrusoef, ym litlte peopel ttha. Otu slientnye hatt and i ery,a baecme iulsdcia uadrtaeg nddt’i i prdpeod sloa. Adn sppdile nde but ihwt fndeounw i how a mnesooe wnok lvie otn ohw it iefl got tgrhhuo i …oagy pu to ulowd orf nito bale i my evlo dnt’di wuthtio iegbn. Ruo icltmlhe. Luowd tish tsju geyeirhvnt veol ym itgrh ni hse m,e flei tvesirecepp on plycleteom chdneag uoy hs’e hatt ord,wl si adn mih. .
A 2302 hwit did yjlu e,m in wnet 12: earft cbak ffo 1s2t atrudgeda a ned nda i in my pu guagitdnar raey erya tuoghh iun i i. Eb so you lwuod uorpd. I so dpour ma. Ngebi etd,a gbgiset eht reieontpcp pu etvahemiecn on tisrf and fwe fof sioenllcnug kmars ym ): i adn ti’s ,on edden a a swa my of to ortistaenids.
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Vniilg eneb mnoigv uot s’ti erve edden dan the tsbe h,mleiclt htwi iedoiscn but i pu i,rde a. Eddi nrdgdaa gntwiri dmldie tol saw adn a hrigt het of tsla ni ye,ar ym ti ohcsk ti tnsieratiosd dna rhu,t a. Mhi he i i a ees nad but hatt of tell imh rewot you lodcu afrte adh uoy wshi eouplc m,hoe oyu ftare and cmeo nosmht og all a tltere, ulotdcn’ uyo nkdlocw,o ot aaynyw to og tsivi ta otu iotn. Uoy abck owkn os ’tnod oury has the l,iwl) esuivern lefe (i bda.
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Tlle duloc iwhs hretes i i ttha nigtsh yuo. I am ouy kile hwo orpdu fo. Taerl rdenki reyas eonmmt hwo shiw hte teidsna ni you to asw i i fo 4. Am y,uo i iaegnhl tbu i isoprme. Nath ot bdrebo esolfur uro ylfesm us rinen oseth adriwn ot nda alhe ot atsrp am ma tdn’o oikngrw rfmo erve i dlihc of rdkein i ekl,i atht evah alhe ienbg i on e,bne lysfme we saw. Tnhsgi orethrb nda on t3h1 nad ’id a nseeic 4 btyiahrd onufd ew ew sehpenw as i wtngiir sey( rgtih ruoy ,own a ehdlpe ehva nesehwp ecurrytln m’i ngoig uor tib sa am nad ltetil !lt!),tere ewll erfta sith gimpno tou subeeca r’enat. No is i nehitmosg wgoinkr hatt btu am. This tath lefe okwngri ot’dn rhtu ew no rnemyao so am osienrabud i. Pelpseo htiw otn to era ti ipitsyebnrolsi uro leda pteiensxacto they osur ton u,s oreht fo hdol ot si. Fo er’uyo thta dglhoin tol i wnko a dna. Ndow igsnth oyak nligtle it’s oseth oyu tup ot im’. Ot akoy padiispnot uyo olev i’st opepel. Ubeesca ont ethir f,ile oysur ’tis si’t. Eb odign noe waht lnvigi eilf slee paiatycc sholud uyo tno no hos’ulntd ash to hte yoru lelt eer’yth dan ouy esbaeuc. Lla eitssnsew gonid to ttha era your ircseaseocs are to tieaylr waht ’ruyeo ethy. Htognni me mtsrtae. Uryo led’suohv owlud ,abck if lliw vhea p,hdneepa ti usienrev it hte ahve. Nda yna htta iosemrp ntiikhng i mrfo i e’ahnvt csdsenoii edam rsift it iuhwtot oyu llmicteh yufll (patra thghoru. . Owh ?vel)o nca eusac thigf. Iefdnsr teertl hte hptiaeyxfedr of be hsit uoly’l tno otu moasydn ihtw nkow eibng i fo lal us no. ’atcn feroc oyu shti tub life ni ishntg. Aech ont ont eerw dgoo oknw eyeht’r us, they btu doog thye orf odtn’ it orf hoetr. Yuo ouy rdeiecev athw os aer spdhieinrf nad mero os uchm muhc tbeert epyt eht evlo nda yuo of gvein were ear anth adn whtro. Dne tub ysa uoldc leabmd tlpasnyeoir hecos out, was het wh(ich tcu thye i dlloewof nhwe na rou on too sihtgn htaw drspfehnii ot it het oruy igbne n,yomdas an is era su nde tyhe to thiuwto eseubca it thore whsi hnte to to darwakw i moce m)e katact and oelldwa. Wthi aer sessatnni het utb tlso butoa the neon lla tey’evh twrho nad lpeoep tgnihikn auseebc uyo si ourey’ or,ldw hnwe rtowh rtateed of ielk uoy aer ue’oyv not. Ydsa edspn fmsey,l eth to su teidnn adn in i rtwyho of uuerft y,uo gienb my.
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’im orr,ys.
M,e gifreov laepse.
Uy,o knhat.
I loev oyu.
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,evol.
Me ldo x 32 raey.

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