A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Yare anedcgh ym puieds 23 ouy ret)t,le era dan no,w in to ym antlikg atht ilef im’ s1t2 in pcmltoleey down oh(w. It reya trsow dan wsa tsbe my feli eth fo. My a gruho ,one erew 12ts egrta ihbytdar as em onigg somdn’ya‘ swa thogruh we atcph hdtdeci ton a ym. Wulod ttliel it tiwh know rhhougtotu eht emth ddi dna i sbtmeeerp by lla eth moce nya i ngluircmb fo that defnris way onuw’dtl donw r,eya eb. Ryrwo, redic meka taht but on’td us ,you hmtgi uhnoeg or fo you v’ie boht p,teus eth hcsok orf. Eppole lla ouy emsetimso on,wk nda i eems ttha ot ehyt awnt ahwt n’trae. Letlti osfurle, plepoe psta nnsltytcoa rae so we tath os eht utsj 1t2s ym nddti’ fo ti uiltn raundo ktinh yman uyo erya are mrof arneso heetr atth ew atth are easelri. Ordpped nda silciadu ietesylnn i eaembc i raugadte asol ahtt eary, n’iddt tou. Leif ohw ti i a emsneoo to ag…oy tgo itwh ngieb epplids blae gruthho nid’td dunfneow wtiuoht nad ielv noti loev dwuol for den i i owh nto ubt up ownk my. Eilcthlm uor. Stju no ,me woudl levo is oyu eilf atth ylelcmepot wo,ldr ryvhgetnei ni nda agcnehd sthi rtigh my seh hmi iceteprsvpe esh’. .
Raey htough i wtne 2023 jluy i ni uni my wtih den kcab ni gaeutadrd 12: reya gdtaaniurg a off s2t1 ,em i rafet a idd dan pu. So uyo duopr lowud eb. Os am orudp i. Ym deden fof eigbn pu its’ :) and ot sradntisteoi i ym asw fstir ,no openrtpeci ewf a nda a lnusiloengc tmnecaivhee ate,d teh fo akrsm tgebisg no.
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Needd tbes iwth i s’ti up tou erev mgivon lvgiin utb bene deiionsc a hte lclhim,et ed,ir adn. Ohskc ni tsla hgirt otl melidd dan ay,re ardandg niitgrw my it a ,thur ti of adn ddei roineisatdts a swa hte. Hatt to go a nda ldcou eltt,er rotew ywaayn mceo i nad you eh imh yuo ihws ondclu’t ot ouy ubt og letl hmi ahd of thsonm a itvsi ,wcoondkl pceuol i uyo lla otu ees omeh, tino tfare ferta at. Ahs bda os ouy cbka fele senvuier oknw eht (i n’tdo ruyo wll)i,.
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Hisw i i thta htrsee tlel hginst cluod oyu. Odurp fo hwo i am yuo keli. I in kdrnie ot reays oyu mnetom of wsa alrte tsaiend i who iwsh teh 4. Uo,y ubt roesimp i i ma ealinhg. Ot lsroefu ruo orikngw us nad tnha flsemy i lhcid nneir no ot ,enbe myslfe hael ew i erbdob rvee iwdanr enibg rsatp drekni am nt’do fmor tath ot ehav eahl i ma ei,kl eohst of swa. Rouy roherbt dan a no eeshnpw yrlnrtuec nda ’id sa tsnghi n’erat ew otu gmoinp (esy ihst th13 ggino bucaees mi’ ma rou heledp dan eraft lwel i 4 tbi censei we hgitr fudon ttllei nirgwit rtyaidbh ,nwo a hvae )!lt,e!rte as peewshn. Am is ubt atth on i owkrgni hotinmges. On ma i rthu we nsiarbeudo rmnaoey htsi od’nt nikogwr efel os htta. Of to ton xtpaotsencie ti ihtw dlea sblntprioyiesi ruo ,us hlod not rea is htye ertoh rsuo ot lseppoe. A i kown otl ndglhoi adn fo ahtt e’oryu. Ptu yuo ltnigel ot is’t stheo wnod hngsit mi’ aoky. Plepoe oyu ot naiitodpps ’sit kyao velo. Ysuor i’st not i,elf htire tsi’ eebsauc. Oen slee has on eceubas uyo ielf cyacatpi not lviign llte he’teyr nogid wtha you dna hsoudl eth oyur eb ’udnsolth ot. Ear aer uyor uyre’o atth coersscaesi atryeil ot tehy odngi thaw ot swtiensse lla. Ohnntgi tamrste em. If yruo ti ackb, vuerenis wlil hels’udvo avhe evha the dhpaenpe, oudwl it. Tiuhwto llyfu yna it ssdneicoi tifrs i and t’hneva aemd oisepmr inghnkti from ectilmlh thta i uyo arapt( gohrhut. . Hiftg e)v?ol uaesc anc how. Hiwt ton lla of thsi oulyl’ out knwo het prfedixetayh fo su no nfdsrie i mandoys tlerte eb inbge. File tub htis in uoy ’tcan gsnhti eofrc. Su, dgoo ownk for nt’do ton hety tbu tyhe herot r’hyeet ton ti erew ecah for doog. Wree are iegnv het hatw enriidpfhs dan ieredvec rtebet you nad so muhc eomr umhc anht of os ohrwt uyo voel etpy adn rea uoy. It si tatcak lcodu hsiw wsa i eht tub an m)e yaetlnsriop then i the to ledfowol ledwola when den ginhst to moce atwh adn howtuit nosa,ymd bmdlae aer cut eroth ot radkwaw yhte hspdrifnei nde iwhc(h ti ot ays too yrou choes on uro ehty us na uto, ecauseb gbien. Ear ecaeusb fo aubto tsol tbu het tatrdee rea nad rthwo all yoevu’ hte lppeeo enhw enno thwi theevy’ wrold, ’eyuro is natssnesi nto you orwth uyo htnknigi liek. Of oy,u syad my yslfem, ibgne ni neidnt nad ufeutr edspn to oyhtwr su i het.
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’mi s,yorr.
Erovgfi alpees ,me.
Uoy, kthan.
Uoy i ovel.
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,olev.
Eray old 23 em x.

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