A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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32 ot dwno hgdcaen st21 idespu tpmlyceelo i’m n,wo uyo ym ilfe nad era yera tlnaigk in that lr),etet my (owh in. Fo adn wsrot my eth ti sebt wsa eyra file. Wree 1t2s hdicdte hhtourg n‘yodma’s my nto em a a tahcp eartg ew was gohur sa bdyhtari gngio my no,e. Yna lal lwduo rbeeepmts i i lnbumicgr yaw ahtt ’wdotlun lttlie by teh ndwo dan ddi wiht ti dneisrf wkno reya, be fo the mcoe hetm tgtohuuhro. Ahtt timgh ou,y akem tbu or ’odnt rywo,r ueghno het tohb eircd of scohk vie’ eutps, oyu us rof. Oyu lal i a’rten tnwa dan ko,wn hatt htye iemmtseos seme to olpepe ahwt. Ti ew yare uoardn sreano ntnltsocay anym trehe ttha spat ltliet ts21 we tnihk rmof rea os uyo ym uolf,ser jtus teh htta so ’dnidt rea tath are unlti eplpoe eelisra of. ’dntdi isuldaic i hatt leneisynt eamcbe sloa ddrpeop tauadegr i ,ryae adn uot. I fro to nito dan uwndfeno utb hwti lief a bale elpdspi roghuht tog nto ym nowk leov doluw up ti nbegi i’ntdd end eoemnos ohw how i i ygoa… vile othtiwu. Ruo ctilheml. Tish hse’ ttha lr,dwo tusj my is ouy emtlcyeolp nad no igyhnrevte she ,em vole ni agcednh life itghr vectripeeps mih lwduo. .
3202 i guraddeta ni end bkac a s21t eratf fof eary agtgniardu gohhtu htwi iun did tewn adn em, ym i up ni yujl a i ryae :21. Dluwo orpdu yuo eb so. Am i durpo so. Nda pu a ot tdoetrsisina uelolnsgcni off rifst i cenemaiveth ): on my bigne ntcoerpeip ,no fwe igstegb dte,a a dan eht of ym eednd si’t skmra swa.
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Twhi ’tis vree btse needd uot ciesiodn btu i giomvn a el,chilmt dan bene hte nigvil e,idr pu. Edimld fo dna ti and tlo rsteoiisndta irgtinw turh, satl was ohkcs ided het gtihr ni a it ,raye a my drgaand. A rfeta i tion ot tcn’dluo i tou yynwaa lndow,koc h,moe dah ta ot shntom siwh taht he of btu dan eomc istvi go og uoy ihm tarfe ocpeul uyo and ouy lere,tt mhi uocdl ltle uyo lal oewrt a see. So ’odnt lfee ackb lwi)l, enisuvre hte dba (i wonk uyo hsa oryu.
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Thta gisnht i hwis colud hrsete yuo lelt i. Uyo of i ekil owh ma purdo. To 4 i aws of woh nasedit ndkeir oyu ishw ni letra hte i seray tmmeno. Ehlagin ma tub yu,o i eprosmi i. Sratp ew saw i su estoh leah boerbd fo our dainrw knried ehla nneir i to gebni krnwgoi n’dto ymlesf hvae ot ma eylsmf am vere urelfos rmof nbe,e to i dan tath leki, anht no dlhic. Ihts trnulecyr ttiell am gnhtis and omnpig i es(y dpeelh wno, botrehr and a hgitr itb ceasbeu 4 lwel ibadtyrh sa ’di inogg rouy wnepehs r’tnea eehnpsw we mi’ nda ecisne we traef ehav no oru nufdo sa h13t out a trigwni ee!rtl!),t. On tath utb tsehongmi wknirog i ma is. Trhu am n’dto os on ahtt ramyoen efel briesuadon we gwrniok hsti i. It aer epelosp is htwi to nbrislsyeoiipt etrho spntctxeoaie srou ethy hdol of dela ,su not ot our otn. I higlndo dna a oruey’ kown of olt tath. Ot utp ouy st’i isthng odwn lngitel ehtos ’im oyka. You koay evlo sit’ plpeeo ot tpopsniaid. Aseeucb i’ts ihtre efi,l otn rysuo ’its. Has on ’etehyr yoru ot lelt ifle neo suohtld’n yacctiap be ont uolhsd wtha oyu gdnio nad else teh glivni beesuac uoy. Athw tsewnseis lal to ot gonid eyu’ro htey are ssireaeocsc ear uroy eaytlir ttah. Mastter tnohgni me. Wlil veha devs’ohul eepnd,hap udowl eht ensveriu kb,ca ti it yoru fi evha. I uhhtgor iinkgtnh ’ethvna i fluly nay edma eiprmso uoiwhtt it tfisr leltmich ahtt r(tpaa adn fmro idecnisos uoy. . Aecus ?eov)l iftgh ohw anc. Onwk not omnysad of beign be elettr uto all no su het of i typxarefihed lluo’y siht iwht sdrenfi. C’tna siht ocref tbu nhgits ni leif uoy. ,us dogo utb echa rfo nto yeht tno odgo herot ti r’yhete know were eyth rof dnto’. Teh are adn so wtha aer siefndrhpi fo weer vole tnha umhc dna eypt you you eorm and horwt cmuh os nveig uoy tetbre erciedev. Ecom o,tu too aws tuc hwat trhoe deoallw i sohce i ti it end woledflo dna bcaeues ot aawdkrw lmbade to katcta gsnhti uor su yhet m)e whsi msdno,ya na rpaonsityle neth no fdhirsnepi teh ruoy to whuiott aer ned the but gnbie an olucd yhte asy to nwhe (hwich si. Ouy ’veuoy ppoele oreyu’ hwort si neno kininthg of ilek are tlos eeyhtv’ ateetrd het oyu horwt nto tub whti aer tnissnsae ,rdlwo all adn nweh outba the esbueac. My fo s,lyfme ot tdienn ni rtoyhw su pedsn yasd yuo, i eht gebni dna efrtuu.
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Mi’ r,syor.
Fvgrieo e,m elpsae.
Oyu, kathn.
Uyo voel i.
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L,oev.
32 me dlo aery x.

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