A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ifel seupid rae ym tel,ret) m’i ndwo 32 ni ot ow(h cdaenhg 1st2 ni yera ym on,w ttah dna kigntal oyu leeymcltop. Het swrot saw file bset ti of dan arye my. Asw sa 1ts2 ym gogni urgoh hhurtog a my hctap reew a tedcdih ergat em e,no hayirtbd ‘nsamdy’o we otn. Onwd mpeseebrt i nda ttah fo lbrcguinm it tihw i yb ayn lla elittl oulwd het did eocm wya mhet ludw’nto oruhtutgho be y,aer sdnrfei teh nowk. ,owryr eupst, otd’n migth tbu us ciedr coksh for of nohgue or oyu eamk ,you e’vi ttah eht hbot. Tath nwta teemsosim n,kwo n’trea dna epelpo lla i whta teyh eems to yuo. So eht you dtdn’i os hatt nhkti ofmr noarse ear rae atth mayn ti reslofu, ttah tjsu tspa peleop hteer ttleli we tyaclnsotn t21s my yrea of elseria rae liunt uodnar ew. I olas eddorpp nad cmbeae d’ntdi eesninlyt arey, ucaiisdl aadrgetu i uot ttah. It loev ot utb pu aelb pdpeils a ohhurtg id’ndt kown leiv i tgo rof dwulo owh i tiwh itno dne seooemn bigen my …gayo dna owh not wendnfou i woituht eilf. Our hleclitm. ,em hgirt e’hs jsut lfei nda on she leov pllmoyetce ym isht ni wuodl anceghd ouy ygheetnvir is ol,rdw hmi htat spercveepit. .
I eyra enwt ghhout ni whti 0322 in end ym me, lujy afetr i 2ts1 pu ckba a i erya and agdatugnir gdrtaaeud idd 12: a uni off. Lwudo so eb uoy dupor. Ma os i rdoup. ): i dna a fof i’ts nibge ndede tbggise wsa adn no a of ewf snilceoulng my ,on teh akrsm ym tdostsnieira ,dtae ornptepcei ot up eanhvtieemc strfi.
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Eliclmth, diescion ddene eerv nad wthi iilgvn ’tsi uto i tesb minovg pu been a ubt ,drei eht. Het itigwrn nad dargnda ,yrae dostiietnras oskhc a lto ym fo dan thu,r hgrit ti imeddl wsa in it tlsa a idde. I og l’utocnd swih terow eomc iitvs yyanwa oyu refta ltel htta lal ta oeuplc to out e,ltret a utb oyu imh itno go shotnm uoy ees and mih fo ,donlcwko eh dna to mh,eo lcdou a you aretf i had. Dab irevsneu (i uroy ,wil)l acbk nkow you so hsa het d’ont efle.
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Ttha luodc hgtnsi letl iwsh i i stereh yuo. Fo am how kiel uopdr you i. Omtenm sihw i was i diesnta who denikr yuo 4 fo ni to etrla het ayres. Oprsime i utb i ma you, lhanegi. Eginb mesyfl htta elah mfro oerbdb ben,e slourfe enirn us htna rvee ew ot ntdo’ adn astpr to flsmye ldihc on to iwdarn am fo avhe esoth am ruo asw i ,kile leah niekrd i i woikgrn. ’id ehav escubea fuond ew no a as en’tar am enhwesp 31th l!et)!,etr hignts i ltetil nda lewl ingog hewnsep delphe 4 bit adhbyirt trefa uto rulyrecnt we dna itrgh ’im imogpn isht a sa dan uro uyor niscee brhtoer tiwring se(y ,own. But rkniwgo si htta tisenoghm am no i. Hurt oeamnyr thsi oirgknw os ontd’ atth onsadeirbu am we no i lefe. Eotrh us, rea sibstlpryeiion odlh nto not adel fo to ictsptaxeneo ihtw tehy ti epoepsl uro is to sour. Lto nad ro’uey i wkno fo a nhoilgd atht. ’mi oyak ouy tegnlil osthe t’si ownd hsngit to ptu. Uyo lveo ot koay iisdaptpno elpepo sit’. S’ti ,lefi rsoyu reith tno ’its ecebsau. Udolhs uyo nto eubasec iefl nad slee eth be on ash yuo yccatapi oen hol’dnstu ’yrheet ot your tlle dniog ngvlii ahwt. Ingdo ehty ot all tlriyae are oruy iessestwn that ot ’eoyur are casrcosseei ahtw. Me onhingt rattsem. It ti ruoy ulodw cab,k eth vaeh ’eusovhld vahe epadpeh,n nresieuv fi wlli. I nay htta i ouy avhen’t iknhintg dame twutiho iscdoisen it nda hugorth lyflu omrf tisrf eimtlhcl mpiores at(rap. . Ftihg veo)l? cuase woh nca. Iegnb ollyu’ eht elrtet ton know wthi msydano txifedyearhp all i uot eb fo of us on ifredns hits. Tub uyo tinghs isth rfoec lief in atn’c. N’odt but fro ehyt eyth rfo etyeh’r treho s,u nto gdoo oogd ti ewre nto ceah wnok. So hucm dan reom oyu fpeisnidhr wrtho uyo nda evreidce era so etterb hant aer fo evlo twah tpye mhcu uoy reew teh gvine nad. What uodlc leofowld hte i ledmab m)e ohsce ehtn an yoan,msd gibne are ot etyh say oto dne wadwrak ubt yeht hteor cemo pinefshrdi ot ned hte atatkc na oru dan ihsw htuwito utc uto, aolwdle paoersylnti i saw to su wchi(h igshnt on ti ot it when yuro bceesua is. Uyo rae tbu ehwn adtreet easbceu aer nnoe lro,dw fo elppoe nda re’yuo ton twih tknghini het keli hrtwo ortwh nsinsesta lal tlos ’ueyov is ouy ’tyeehv eht outab. Uo,y m,lesfy us gibne ot nad ni eht rwohyt my of iednnt rutfeu adys sdepn i.
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Ro,sry i’m.
Me, eelasp grvefoi.
Uo,y hnatk.
Oevl uoy i.
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O,lve.
X ldo eayr em 32.

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