A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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,nwo 23 i’m ondw eltte)r, peidsu ohw( ym yaer ym lefi rae you in and in ectoylpmel htta chneadg lngitak t1s2 ot. Fo lfie ryea ortws it the ym aws etsb nad. Rwee ym apcht uhrgo gonig a my t2s1 sa aws noy‘dams’ a one, not htybadri heitdcd reagt ew ohrtuhg me. I i olndwu’t and erya, lal fridnes by idd ilrgnubmc nwdo fo temh atth het ownk throtghuou it odwul way ihtw eth bemptrese eb ielttl oecm nya. Hobt ofr fo tdo’n ohskc ev’i oyu eicrd geunoh u,yo gitmh us mkae htta tub or eth eut,ps ,rywor. Mese etyh htat all epeolp to ranet’ oeeissmmt uyo wko,n watn i dna htaw. So unardo rea heter fmro ts12 we juts fo atth soaenr nmay lctonynats eesrali eploep aery tuiln ew atth osl,efru tinkh hatt ’ddtni eth ym leltti are uyo stap are so it. Meaebc ar,ye iltyesnen nda osla i rugedata tdid’n i aduiicsl otu prdpdoe tath. I uhtohgr orf wnko beal itwh ton tbu otni a elov eivl it i tuhtwoi how ifel woh genbi oludw ned oeunwfdn i my aygo… dt’din ildepps oenemos ot dna up got. Uro thillcme. Gtheveryni lwr,od ni elov oyu ehs m,e odwul ihm ihgrt on e’sh adn jstu si dgnaceh fiel treepepvsci tath isth ym leteypmloc. .
Dna yrae hwti nui akbc jyul i up e,m ftaer gdraudtea ewtn in idd i 1:2 s1t2 i end ym otughh a 0232 yrea ffo gituaagrnd a ni. Eb dupor uwodl uyo os. So droup am i. Bstgegi iosaeidrsntt teh ): nad mcveeniheta bieng nda eeprtciopn ti’s a on fof to itfsr a snneciglolu t,eda ndede asmkr i my ym pu wsa of ,on wef.
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Sieoincd hwit nebe gmovni up i eth linvgi dnede e,idr tuo nad veer utb ltmcihel, a estb i’st. It dleimd ni alst trghi a dan a ,ryae h,urt ioirsntdstea wsa dan teh fo olt edid kscho nrtiwig gdrnada my it. Aayynw to uoy siwh dluoc llet mih ntoi htta rweto o,okcdlwn ees i nad tou had go oyu ouy luopce ubt and a tivsi og all ouy udln’tco taref fo mhntos rle,ett aefrt ta a ecom i imh eh oem,h to. I( sha l)iwl, sriuvene abkc teh uoy ryou so adb d’not nwko efle.
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Iwsh i shtere etll htat i uyo stihgn cdlou. Ma i fo you odrup leki who. Ralet 4 i ohw to swih teh earys of i aenistd swa tmonme in you nkeidr. I oy,u iehgnla i am emripos btu. Ikednr i to of eb,ne i ihldc ki,el am igkorwn dnot’ aleh eevr htta ew ma hale nrnei to aws egnib oshte to oru no ehva irdwna i eymlsf eysflm anth rfmo edbbor solurfe su rtaps nad. Eepdhl hnpwees we dunfo dan iirgwnt itllte hibarytd dna y(es ellw 4 incees ’erant no ftare a nturcyrel a !e!t)ert,l rbohtre ahve i bit secubae yruo mipong ma htngis ,onw htsi otu adn 1t3h uor sa ’id ggion ew gtrhi eshewnp as m’i. On am is i nmgotshei btu kgniorw ttah. Ma we naeryom d’nto uhrt ttah lefe i binsadroue so on wiogknr isht. Otn is roteh aer s,u uro ot ton hwti dlae ti ssilitypneroib fo dhol ours eeslopp ot eyht xisettpaocen. Lot kown dan i ilnhdog a of ttha uyroe’. Im’ ondw tellign kyoa tis’ tpu otesh gntshi yuo ot. Ouy aoyk t’is pepole noisapdpit evol ot. Nto lief, scaubee sti’ ti’s rsouy ihter. Uoy dgoin twah igivnl uyro eno ahs uoy stonluhd’ ccytaaip on nto aeeucsb esle be e’trhye ot tell dhsuol flie nda the. Yoru ey’ruo hatw rae rea yhte to escsorsaeci ot idgno lla einswtses hatt tliarey. Em ttrmsea thnniog. ,bcak it ilwl ,ndpeahep if od’vesuhl veah uwlod het oryu esuervni ti aehv. Ti hthogru utiwtho cnisiosed i i lflyu pmresoi oyu ofrm thta th’nvae nad srtif iigthknn milltceh (atpar nay edma. . Who ecsau l)ev?o higft nca. No sthi pyxiftdereah know eth of ulylo’ thiw us tno of all uto nrisdfe geinb nadmyso eb i ettlre. ’ncta feorc feil gtshin ihts ni tbu uoy. Not gdoo er’yteh hety it tno’d echa knwo tbu eewr rfo tno oodg orf eyth us, eothr. Gnive hrtwo oyu nsiirdhfep tteebr receievd os dna fo dan ouy wath tanh ypte veol nda era uchm rmeo era os much uyo eht were. Adn i era oalewld ut,o me) oto ythe aws i(chhw yuro to ot us bieng it na no adkarww besceau wshi ansilrpyteo totiuhw atwh ewllfdoo ythe to to roeth eshco riifdsnpeh rou a,sdnmyo ysa whne sghnti neth ti si edn hte na cemo ktacta end dlouc het badmel tcu i ubt. O’eyur ihwt euceabs issnetsna teh era d,worl but rthwo of deetrat neno are bauto ouy si the dna ont you ehev’yt elik ihiknngt throw eolpep vyo’ue tslo all hewn. Uo,y thrwyo i in pdesn e,mfysl the yads fo urfeut us and ot ym tnedni igbne.
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’mi s,ryor.
Eelpsa efigvro me,.
Tnahk u,yo.
Leov uoy i.
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Loev,.
Em raey old 23 x.

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